ONE STORY / TWO STORIES
I'll type the following VERBATIM as I wrote it, first:
It began as one story, then became two stories, but both stories were two sides of the SAME story.
(1) Man on trip, dreaming he's dying, world explodes and he meets God, doubts God, finding him only man, but then doubts that his findings are true. Further revelations confuse him; he writes, is distracted, writes on (and THIS is ACTUALLY, as I write, story #3, since #1 STARTED by being an ACTUAL battle with death, whereby Death becomes PERSONALIZED as an "inner voice," and then "the person" and the "inner voice" SWITCH ROLES as being "real," "important," "the actuality," "on top," etc., ending in INSOLVABLE CONFUSION. (AS THIS HAS!).
(2) Man evolving, growing more "beautiful" and "good," taller, more SIMPLE, finally into "perfect knowing-sphere" that witnesses the "maximum entropy." (Here I'm back to Akron U's story again) And he becomes BORED, and CREATES a world, and is GOD of THAT world when he AWAKES to find himself AS God of HIS world, and the experiences a SERIES of awakenings (and I HAD thought THIS would end in ABSOLUTE certainty and clarity [as with story 1/3] but IT again ends in CONFUSION), but THAT'S the same as the FIRST. And now John's sucking me!
(OVER) But each "awakening" is a breath, and each "death" is a breath: and all BREATHS are the same, as are all STORIES, which is where I STARTED, so can FINISH. NOW! (The only time there IS!) Now.
And the swooping feeling of "spaced-outness" that came on me in the subway dissolved into those two stories, and they were so beautifully CLEAR at first, but as I wrote they got foggier and foggier, until they ended up the hodge-podge seen above. To remember about (1): Death is VOLUNTARY, and has to SEDUCE man into saying: "OK, I'll die." This will be continuous battle of "GIVE UP" vs. "I WON'T DIE." About (2): The ultimate Science Fiction story of the REALIZATION that I created the world, but then that someone ELSE (whom I would "ordinarily" think of as God) created ME in turn, and these are just an infinite series (CONNECTED AT THE END) of Chinese boxes.