Mish_Mosh
DIARY 561
9/15/69
JOTTINGS - 1
ADD TO EARLIEST MEMORIES: Lifting Daddy's eye when he's sleeping on the chair in the living room and seeing the odd-angle, blood-red whites. Sledding on Garfield's slopes and cock-watching in the broken windows on the way to the library. Is THAT why I like books so much, because I could go to the library and cock-watch?
ARTISTIC CREATIONS: Sculptures of odd materials: wood, rubber, chrome, foodstuffs, all which have one characteristic in common: they are PHALLIC.
Talking with Marty develops these fantastic financial dealings:
1) Guy guys the name "Texas Instruments" in the State of New York, and when they expand enough to want to advertise in New York, TI buys it for $20,000!
2) Guy sends 512 letters out: to 256, team A will win the ballgame, to 256, team B will win the ballgame. Then, to the ones he told would win and did, to 128, he says team C will win, to the other 128, he says team D will win. Thus 128 will think he predicted 2 consecutive games correctly, 64, 3; 32, 4, and 16 will be amazed that he was right five times in a row. To these 16 people, he sends a letter saying he wants $2000 for his predictions for the rest of the year --- and ?????
3) How to win at the races. Go to a small track, cover all the windows, they place ONE bet on the favorite, and paper the track with bets on the non-favorites. Then another group of friends, when the favorite is 100-1, covers about a thousand bookies with bets on the favorite, and though all the people at the track lose, all the friends make mints off the bookies!
4) Guy lowers his OWN tray into the "Night Deposit Box" and comes back and picks up his loot, or even builds a FALSE "night deposit box" IN FRONT OF original.
5) Start a company from nothing, issue VERY few shares of stock. They'll be in great demand, and go up, creating more of a demand, release a FEW more, and the stock will zoom, and capitalize on an ever-increasing SPIRAL --- until the cops catch up with all of you. Leave it to Marty to know about such ideas, and profit from none of them!
DIARY 627
11/69
CATCHING UP (BILL'S), 17
From his "Homosexuality" recording: "Shocking? Of course." "The queen is a cultural shock to the heterosexual." One gay interview with CRICKETS in the background (in the park?). "You know" is one of the WORST ejaculations in an expostulation. Sad that they must choose "between God in Heaven and MAN on Earth."
Idea sitting before a fire Saturday: Absolute zero: temperature at which molecular motion stops. But a vacuum HAS absolute zero where there ARE no molecules to move --- therefore EVERYWHERE there are TINY BITS of absolute zero where there are NO molecules. Then *ZAP* there must be a lower temperature, a temperature at which ATOMIC motion stops: electrons don't revolve, protons and neutrons don't spin. This must be HORRENDOUSLY lower. THEN there is the temperature when INFITRONS stop, lower still. WOW.
Gurdjieff would be readable if he were a better MAN.
LSD record: "Hysterical" laughter would have been better had it not sounded PHONY. 3 LSD steps 1) Model psychosis, schizophrenia in miniature, 2) Nature of Creativity, nature of mind (Hoffman and Hoffer), 3) declining research in "A" step. Then, (B), 1) Non-game ecstasy, religion (Leary and Alpert), 2) Expanding consciousness. Then, (C), Acid-heads out for fun. Terrible Leary "pauses" excerpt, "Seductive talks," 200 micrograms average dosage." "An impure dosage could have drastic effects on the organism." "LSD helps me remember, grass helps me forget, oh, I don't know." TRIP: Fear, terror, grief, exultation, finally, breakdown. Terrible recording of loony sounding fellow talking to himself. "This then, is the bum trip, the encounter with YOURSELF." Charles Diedrich took LSD, turned from alcohol, founded Synanon! Ginsberg drops names, Ram Dass drops names, Gurdjieff drops names: they ALL do it! LSD ends with "Is this trip really necessary?" without having ONE person to whom it WAS (except Diedrich).
LSD sessions: Period 1) 10/15/67: 1 then 2 then 3; Period 2) 10/15/68: #1 really the BEST; Period 3) 10/15/69: #3 really best, because I don't REMEMBER it. It was NOTHING, NON-THOUGHT, thus the BEST for me. What did I do? How did I react? What did I say? What is in John's report??
DIARY 1596
11/27/70
CHAIN LETTER FANTASY
I'd kept the envelope, intending to send out the letters, but it really seems I'll never get around to it, so I'll just write it up as sublimation of the idea.
The letter (chain) from Eddie was WRONG in that it said I could get $8000, but if I sent it to 20 people with my name in position 4, and they sent it to 400 people with my name in position 3, and they sent it to 8000 people with my name in position 3, 160,000 letters would go out with my name in position 1!
10%: So if 2 did it for Eddie in position 4, they would send 40; if 4 would send it for Eddie in position 3, they would send 80; if 8 would send it for Eddie in position 2, they would send 160, and thus Eddie could get $16!
So then I figured if it's 24 a copy, 14 for envelope, 64 for stamp, and 14 for labor, it costs me 104 a copy. Now if I send out 1000 copies, it'll take about 10 hours typing and mailing, and cost me $100.
IF there are two names, and 10% follow, I'll get $100 from the first level, and the 100 will send out 20, which is 2000, and if 10% of THOSE follow, I'll get $200, provided MY name is in first or second place. If there's a 5% return, the first return will be $50, and the 50 will send out 10 = 100, and 5% return would be ANOTHER $50, just even. BUT, YUM, if there's a 2/3 return, I'd get $666 from the first, the 666 would send 20, or 13,333, and 2/3 return of THAT would be $8888, or over $9500. It's a fetching idea, but I couldn't quite think how to word it so it would be ABSOLUTELY convincing, and then it might be illegal: but certainly the way to make money is not to FOLLOW UP on a chain letter, but to START a chain letter. If that 2/3 return were extended to 4 names, the 8888 would send out 20 = 177,777, and 2/3 of THAT is OVER $100,000!! It would be nice to do --- and I STILL think it might be a good idea to send, say, 10 as a FEELER to sample people in the phone book, and just SEE how much of a possible $210 I get BACK! THAT would seem like a worthwhile investment in time! With only two names, if YOUR FRIEND sends it out, the people THEY send it to will be sending YOU the $1 THAT DIRECTLY.
DIARY 12041
6/13/71
THOUGHTS FROM "INDIA"
2) If "they recognize "me," I
[2/11/06: Is this continued from N3, DIARY 12041?]
2) If "they" recognize "me," I could act as I act, "teach" NOTHING, and they would venerate "me" forever.
3) Quarks live, die, are replaced in the atom (this happens each INSTANT). The nucleus is between the quark and the atom: this appears stable, but it's NOT. Atoms live, die, are replaced in the cell (this happens each SECOND). The molecule is between the atom and the cell: this appears stable, but it's NOT. Cells live, die, are replaced in the body (this happens each YEAR). The organ is between the cell and the body: this appears stable, but it's NOT. Bodies live, die, are replaced in the universe (this happens each GENERATION). The civilization is between the body and the universe: this appears stable, but it's NOT. Universes live, die, are replaced in Brahman (this happens each KALPA). Karma is between the universe and Brahman: this appears stable, but it's NOT.
Brahman lives, dies, is replaced in a quark (this happens each INSTANT). IT is between Brahman and the quark: IT appears stable, but IT is NOT.
1) The sun baked the earth, and bleached the bricks until they were dun. Cows flicked fly-chasing tails, scratching scabbed udders with torn hooves. Naked girls, squatting, laid necklaces of butterscotch turds in the gutter. When The Avatar walked into the village, He brought a cool breeze with Him, so that the people were comfortable in His Benign Presence, drinking ease. He said Nothing; the townsmen sipped His Silence and were content not to think. The tourist rattled into town by train, greasy sweat on his sunburned nose, and saw the group under the tree. The Avatar looked at the tourist, saw his thirst which had nothing to do with heat or water, and rose to His Feet. "Here is The Avatar," The Avatar said, waving his fan-hand toward the tourist. The townsmen blinked, turned, mumbled, fumbled, gathered up their clothing about them, and sat in a silent circle around the tourist. The tourist looked at The Avatar, Who smiled the smile of God, turned, and walked until he was invisible in the woods. The basic Hindu tenet: You can have what you want.
DIARY 2090
6/28/71
FRIDAY NIGHT JOTTINGS
First of all, I was so impressed by the ideas from "Doctor Faustus" that I went into the living room and wrote the following with the lights on: "Faust wants to STOP the flow of time, and at a moment to midnight DEMANDS to live the ENTIRE life of, say, the Bishop of Wittenberg in an INSTANT, but finds it terrible, and demands to live the life of the Pope, but dislikes it, becomes Emperor, then reverses and becomes a valet, then a farmer, then lives as an infant, then as a whore, then a farmwoman, and gradually it becomes clear that HIS DAMNATION is to live EVERYONE'S life, and we are ALL Faustus, eternally condemned, all living a moment before midnight, in an endless circle of trying to save ourselves from the damnation which is ever there, never there, when the moment before midnight passes."
Then I crawled into bed and warped words flooded my mind, so that I got up AGAIN and grabbed a pencil and wrote in the dark by my bedside:
"Phere haste trifled mine breadth
Anda kold kalmy haint grabes ate mie.
Knot innie raisen entrees mye haid:
Ind. terrour lyes one mined lyffe.
Faust goze tha knight
Sloe cums upt a Don.
Eye right tens wrodz
Hopping too type meslef wt. (as in warzazata)
Rejoice, reJoyce inda writhen wurt.
A mean.
ESSO B. it.
And I laughed at the thought that these awful wruts were typed on the back of the sheet titled "HAPPINESS" in which I voiced such glad thoughts. But when the black mood lasted through the next day, it began to be clear that it was possibly the SHOTS for cholera that made me feel so terrible, and that was the reason for my depression and impossibility of interest in anything.
DIARY 2510
11/15/71
MORNING THOUGHTS
SATURDAY AM: Think about putting an ad in the New York Classified: "Renaissance Man, available for conversation, escort, shoulder, intellectual stimulation. Box XX.NYM. and then I'd have to make up a resume to respond to the inquiries, saying mail questions for $2 about restaurants, itineraries, opinions, phone conversations limited to 3 minutes, time (plus expenses) at $3 per hour, and then list travel, NYC, education, Aureon, Reading, etc experience and sit back (after spending $20 for the ad) to see who WANTS TO PAY FOR ME. The same sort of thing I could also try through "Everything for Everybody."
SUNDAY AM: BIOOMYPANDTHEOSINTEROCYBRINESHOOTERSPENISULARORGASMINALEJACULATIONMASTURBATION
B -ELGIN
IO -I: reaffirmed: "the quiet moment AFTER the climax, BEFORE the CLIMAX!"
OMY -"It." All Spirit.
PAND -"Everything." All Things.
THEOS -God: Many, ALL bodies.
INTERO -Whole body.
CYBRINE -Machine.
SHOOTERS -CONSTANT coming, new ELECTRICAL emission.
PENISULAR -Plateau #3: new man's, stronger, "just at," no emission.
ORGASMINAL -Plateau #2: woman's "just at,"man's CONSTANT throb to come.
EJACULATION -Plateau#1:just before coming:what I get to thatJOHN doesn't
MASTURBATION -Regular.
78 letters, all possible with Scrabble set except for an extra B, M, N, O, and 2 S's, for six not in the set, which could be the 6 UNUSED E's turned to blanks.
All roads lead to God/Fulfillment/Failure/Death/Everywhere/Nowhere/ELGIN.
BIOPTICS-POEM Title
OMAHNYH-ERJA Not "Padme Hum," but "Herja"
YNETBO-NGAS good gas?
DOERO-IACT someone's 1-Act?
SRIT-SSUU Swami Sri Tsu
ONE-UMLR One WHAT?
ER-LIAB As opposed to "Late Ab"
S-ANTA Claus is coming to town
RAIT Coming at Grait Rait
LOI French Law
NO Not at all
N Integer for Integration
A FANTASTIC opportunity for me to describe what I seem to be MOST interested in, Masturbation, and maybe even send an OUTLINE of chapters to book houses, since there seems to be no one ELSE writing on it. Could even be SCHOLARLY. I could use Tsi-Dun for research on WAYS to do it, and lead it into the kind of RELIGION that only I want to write about, a FANTASTIC combination, with a Verb, Adverb, Adjective, Adverb, Time Duration, Implement, Sliding-Combinatorium.
DIARY 4245
11/29/73
THE ORGASM IN RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
Publicize a discussion group in the Voice on "The Legitimacy of the Orgasm in Religious Experience"? The ORGASM is the COMMON peak experience---the perfect exchange of LOVERS. Why not SHARE this peak with RELIGION, even FEEL the heightening of it. BODY is most BEAUTIFUL at orgasm: muscle tonus, flush, tension, eye-glitter, interest, and the body in such a state is THE most precious PHYSICAL GIFT we can "offer" in religion. Link this, too, with MY discovery of a MALE plateau-level sexual excitement. "If it's THERE, it must be USEFUL for something."? How much more INTIMATE and LOVING can a congregation be than to ORGASM together with a common MIND experience added to it? Gets very like TANTRIC Yoga, but in a GROUP. WOULD it be illegal? I guess it WOULD. But it leads me to think that the old initiation and secrecy surrounding Tantric and Eleusean mysteries MAY have shrouded JUST such sexual activities, which ANY state would frown upon as being FAR MORE SEPARATING from the state than almost anything else of a less stimulating nature would be. Lovely idea to follow up.
DIARY 4246
11/29/73
SORES IN THIS BODY
Lie in bed stoned and quite distressed to think of the number of ACHES AND SORES that I'm conscious of. The soreness of the sides of my feet enclosed in new Polish shoes after the summer freedom of the sandals, and the corn on the bottom of the left foot-ball; the VANISHING sore under my tongue and the COMING sore at the center of the inside of my lower lip. The strange spot on the left of my windpipe that sometimes bleeds when shaved too closely. The bloodied ear swab from the burst pimple just inside my left ear. The slowly out-growing left big toenail, still not recovered from the knock it got in Louvain. The tacky feeling of the hemorrhoidal ass. The sore behind the right ear from the glasses, and on the insides of TWO fingers from chewing on them, and the writer's lump on the side of my middle finger, right hand. The vague crotch and underarm itches that I wonder may still be crabs. The bleeding gums when I brush my teeth and the spot on the back on my neck that itches when I don't wash my hair for four days. My sometimes eye-soreness, cock-soreness from too much rubbing, leg tingles from morning exercises, wrist wearinesses from too much writing, as now. Pimples still, a sagging belly that only LUMPS when I do situps, and the increasing gray under the eyes and at the temples, and the soreness of the one damn tooth next to the wisdom tooth in the lower left jaw. The nibbles on edges of fingers and insides of cheeks and insides of nose that sometimes get SORE from being pestered. Da-duh! "These are a few of my favorITE things. Dum-deedle-dee!
DIARY 4298
12/19/73
TOTAL PHILOSOPHICAL TURNAROUND?
Read Gwen Tipton Thompson's "Out of the Silence," page 20: "There are spiritual atoms as well as physical atoms," and I realize with a jolt that ANTIMATTER could be the SPIRIT WORLD. We've FOUND antimatter in the SMALL because physics has been dealing with the small, but in the large, communicating with minds, etc, it's only been "seen" by mystics and seers. Then I can't get the phrase "Spiders suffocated in their own web" out of my mind, and I can't find it in Bellerophoniad in "Chimera" where I'm sure I'd read it. And remember the startled thought in "Siddhartha" that, after all, the Indians may be WRONG about their cosmology: it DOES seem to be founded on drugs, and it MAY be wrong (going back to the old impossible thing of the chakras: reaching ONE will make you certain you're better than everyone else, but then you REALIZE that anyone who thinks they're better than anyone else COULDN'T be better than anyone else, and we get again into the eternal cycle: you recognize levels of mysticism until the height of revelation is that there IS no mysticism: the world is just as it IS, and no more; but then you have acid, and everyone is one, all is God, Time goes on forever now, and you live with THAT for awhile, and then come BACK to the idea that the only thing there IS is MATTER, and since there can never be PROOF of what ISN'T matter, you're back to the material BASICS of life. But then ESP and coincidence and mysterious happenings, as well as personal TESTIMONY, says that there IS something higher, and you begin to get sucked into THAT, until you AGAIN feel that everyone is one, everything is one, but then the antimatter is proclaimed as the SPIRIT, and then there are the eyes of Jagganath and Kabuki and Chinese opera, and you KNOW there has to be something above circumstances: maybe there ARE people from outer space, and the whorl goes on, endlessly, and the HARDER I want to see, the HARDER it is to see, but I feel that when I try NOT to see, I don't see anything JUST AS WELL, and knowledge leads to a knowledge of how much I DON'T know, and ignorance surely doesn't lead to knowledge, and all circles close, but maybe the whole thing is LINEAR, DIRECT, NOT cyclic, and I'm whipped out on another tangent, not a circle but a hyperbola---Hyperbolic Acid!
DIARY 4302
12/22/73
SIMILAR ACTRESSES
PARTICULAR angle of Claudette Colbert's face as Charles Boyer leaves room in "Private Worlds" is EXACTLY the face of Marlene Dietrich. What a FUN thing it would be to have access to all the films and SHOW how the faces move from one to another! Barbara Stanwyck to Carole Lombard to Norma Shearer to Rita Hayworth to Hedy Lamarr to Betty Hutton and ON and ON. It might even work the SAME for the MEN, too. I should keep all the EXAMPLES, CONCRETE, that I see on this page in the workbook!
DIARY 4339
1/22/74
CATCHING NOW WHEN STONED
Notes written when stoned late on Sunday, January 13. Oh, God, it's SO long and SO complicated: I taste cereal and imagine a MOVIE commentary showing me eating cereal, saying "And he even THOUGHT the cereal with lots of sugar tastes great because it SEEMED in his HEAD (as he ate his TOAST) that it WOULD taste good, so he thinks it tastes like he THOUGHT it would taste and not the sandy straw that's somehow managed to become siltily sweet. And then you remember that being REALLY stoned (and you can hear the James Mason accent [from tonight's "Child's Play"] on the commentary NOW) you feel you'll soon be AWAKENED from a dream or nightmare or hallucination into REALITY. But it's not the AWAKENING you look forward to but the STOPPING of THIS life (there's Death again) to be FEARED. Or I wake in a COURT, and it's a trail and this is some sort of hypno-testimony I have to RELIVE---but it's all an idea of LEAVING HERE and coming to a "there." But it was VERY Krishnamurti: to feel that I was anticipating the taste and trying to taste the taste, or trying to think of how I would REMEMBER tasting the taste, but never really TASTING the TASTE! Or the idea of living, not a life, but a FILM, being SEEN by others in 4-D, and I think of ME, on a hyper-TV screen, sticking my head OUT of the screen, out of my level of experience exactly---and what a GREAT pictorialization of 4-D THAT is---MARVELOUS---imagine I'm on a TV screen, and I say POINT up and down and front and back, and now point OUT of the TV set, and I'd TRY at four-dimensional pointing, but it would be EXACTLY mappable (my fingertip, say) in 2-D (except for the problem of moving my hand EXACTLY perpendicular to the camera lens, which would be movement back and forth for ME, but NO movement from the 57.2x - 43.8y = 0 locus of the camera lens), so that the higher dimension would be primarily ruled by Time, as WE are, and time is a FIFTH dimension. But, the idea that GOT me there was that the characters (Greta Garbo, say) would look "out" to see the INSIDE of Radio City Music Hall, or your TV room, or her bedroom EVERY TIME it was shown. And our MIRRORS are mirrors IN THE BACK of these halls, where we're just far enough BACK from the screen so that our EYES, the borders of the screen, and the borders of the mirror are on one line, but if we get VERY close to the mirror we can see the PEOPLE between. Crazy, no? And in the SHOWER I thought of the pay-TV problem: how many channels would there be DATA for: a Metropolitan opera TV channel that would have 20 hours free every day, or would modern dance, for example, fill in the other 20 hours? A ballet channel and a sports channel and a fashion and horses and football and sex and tripping and dance and religion and warlike and amorous and pornographic. Lots and LOTS, obviously!
But it does seem that ANY syllables, when you're stoned enough, seem VERY portentous, and my mind is FILLED with deckel-ty, deckel-ty, deckel-ty, and shradie-eye-eedi, and any STORY I've just read and enjoyed and gotten an insight into (or thought that my life was a part OF or LIKE, as in Sheckley's poor guy that went from the "richly changing world" into the "frozen world" where 65-wheeled cars weren't expected on the street)---ANYWAY that story is so good because I'm the author, in another life, and I WROTE it. Isn't it just as great to say I'm ME and I READ it?
But I've had work, dinner, TWO movies, TV, a shower, popcorn, COME fabulously, TWO slices of toast, 12 bowls of cereal and NOW John's honeyed oats. When will this all END?! Maybe I'm just pining for John or the lush pre-John slender defined boy with the snuggly mustache, like a younger blond shorter Dror. And his memorable, exploding (lying): "You're gorgeous." It could be LOVE! And finally the LOVELY thought: well, HERE I AM, ME as I am now, and I'm not broke, or old, or SUFFERING, or hungry or dead. It's NICE. STILL!!! DESPITE MY WORRIES!!!
OR I think, when I'm tired as I am now (but, hey, LOOK everyone, writing WILL OUT) I think of how LITTLE I have to do before I'm completely comfortable: stop writing, put down pad and pen [this written in the TV room AFTER coming back from writing the former material in the KITCHEN], turn off the light, take off the glasses and put them on the TV, take off bathrobe and hang it in COLD closet, take off slippers and socks, finish fishing granola particles from between my teeth (thankfully fixed once MORE and I have enough money for the bill), turn off the humidifier and slip into bed until it warms up enough (LONG time) to turn down controls (which I've now managed to forget a COUPLE of times, and then I wake at 8 am with a VERY warm feeling, and look down to see that the controls are still up in the 8s or 9s), turn head to OTHER side (indispensable, seemingly, for sleeping), feel perfectly content, drift, thinking about how much and well I've written NOW, and fall asleep, and die. Now I have a suggestion on how to SHORTCUT that! HA?! Hardest of ALL to crack jokes at death.
Oh, and back at the seventh line from the bottom on the previous page, I should have added, and STILL in New York City (and Mom is STILL in Ohio), and I'm STILL in a comfortable apartment, MORE comfortable all the time rather than LESS, STILL not out of a job completely, still with things to do, and still with John Vinton, the most radically changing of all influences on my current life.
And now thoughts from Campbell flood my mind, and I gotta STOP, at least until his Fri-Sun takeover, and now I've reached the FIRST step above. I've STOPPED!
But the transitory nature of time is SO overlooked in NORMAL experience, and so carefully examined when stoned, and STILL it's not pinned down. I'm either looking FORWARD to the orgasm or coming DOWN from the orgasm: the moment of orgasm is THERE, surely, UHN!, but it's as if my resources aren't really properly MOBILIZED for the TOTAL appreciation of that moment. And it must be connected with my WRITING, where the moment is STRETCHED out, or compressed, or manipulated---CONTROLLED?---and there's nothing I can control about the PASSING moment, and that's why it's such a sticking point in my thoughts. I can pretty well control the ANTICIPATION, pretty well control the REFLECTION, but I can't do a DAMN thing about the MOMENT ITSELF. Maybe that's why I have to POKE around in it, to TRY to bend it to my will.
DIARY 4384
1/28/74
NOTES FROM SON DAY TV-WATCHING (WITCHCRAFT)
Mysticism leads to witchcraft, and I start taking notes when he starts in on the "Horned God of the Hunt" which was drawn on cave walls in 10,000 BC, ALWAYS the main god of witchcraft, and only in the Council of Toledo [look in EB now, and it describes the first image as "the figure of a man clothed in a stag's skin with antlers on his head, among the Paleolithic paintings in a cave in Ariege in southern France. Also, there were 29-30 Councils of Toledo, from 398 to 15XX] in 576 (?) was the "Horned God of the Hunt" MADE into the DEVIL. But witches, primarily, worshipped the god of the hunt. Is THIS the male force that ousted the original nature goddesses?? And the thought I have NOW is that the HUNT and the HORNED GOD are PRIMITIVE concepts, even EB saying that they have to go underground, or remain with the poorest and MOST ILLITERATE---but this is BACKWARD if the FIRST gods were female (preliterate) and the REPLACING gods (with literacy and civilization) were MALE???? Mother goddess is NATURAL, Father (horned god) is SUPERnatural, and the supernatural becomes STRONGER as man's IMAGINATION grows, more and more distinguishing him from ANIMALS? It would be interesting to describe to CHIMPANZEES who can use the English language what the idea of a GOD is, and then ask him to ascribe a SEX to the god---what would it BE?? FASCINATING QUESTION! "Witchcraft seeks NON-natural power. White witchcraft (love, harmony, nature, goodness) (wike, wicka, whica, whicka) persecuted by the church and forced underground. Black witchcraft worships SATAN in Black Masses. Five basic tenets of white witchcraft: 1) It is a NATURE religion---based on SCIENTIFIC principles of ENERGY "The omniscient natural process (this BEGINS to touch on mysticism here), 2) THEOLOGY stems from Jewish Kabala "Tree of Life:" ten degrees of magic, years of study involved. Berkeley even has a PhD in Witchcraft Studies! "Key of Solomon" of the 16th century. Grimoires, books of shadows. Their 8 festivals: 12/22, rebirth of sun; 2/1, Candlemas; 3/20, spring: fertility; 4/30, Walpurgis Night; 6/22 summer: society; 7/31, harvest, August eve; 8/21, autumn, caring; 10/31, Halloween, 3) Belief that INDIVIDUALS are microcosm AS the universe is the macrocosm, but they all use the SAME ENERGIES, 4) levels of existence: Ain Soph Aur---Holy of Holies, ultimate light, ultimate unknowable. Then the spiritual plane, the mental plane, the astral plane (ectoplasm, level of psychic energies), and then the physical plane of the material world. 5) A LOVING GOD. Coven limited to 12 + high priest or priestess. Paul Jenkins wants a COVEN with Campbell as High Priest! A coven is more personal that a huge church. COVENANTAL relationship. "We DO belong in the universe." Nothing IN witchcraft is AGAINST a person's belonging to an ESTABLISHED religion! CELL FUSION: INDEFINITE (Immortal?) division potentialities. RATHER than "curing" a body of "malignancy" by REMOVING the MALIGNANT cells, why not remove the "normal" cells---the body---and permit the "malignancy" to do ITS thing, PERPETUATE an INDIVIDUAL! OR, even better, the "MALIGN" cells are CLOSER to the "ONENESS OF NATURE" since they AREN'T individualized---but DO they have chromosomes????? I don't know, does anyone??? If a BRIDGE is made between two normal cells, the bridge will INCREASE and the two cells will FUSE to ONE. ONE cell with DOUBLE GENETIC CONTENT. And this cell IS capable of DIVISION and MULTIPLICATION (and addition and subtraction, one would suppose). "It can't grow to a new kind of animal" (if you combine a cell from a dog and a cell from a cat). WHY NOT, and WHICH genes are in WHICH cells when the DOUBLE-cell divides into TWO---do they SEPARATE? What if you did this with an EGG cell and implanted it in artificial insemination??? This NBC program filmed the FIRST film of cell fusion! So now even TV is breaking new grounds in the fields of SCIENCE. Marvelous! Dr. Elaine Diacumios (or whatever) refused to let her imagination go into very many futuristic areas beyond trying to cure birth defects, part of her indoctrination by the Rockefeller Institute, no doubt, but the ideas would go on FOREVER: new creatures, historical marriages, two-male eggs, an elephant-mouse and a mouse-elephant, an amoeba-man, a PLANT-man, and maybe, even, somehow, a ROCK man or a WATER man---how about a FIREMAN?!
DIARY 4389
1/31/74
CONICAL CUPS OF LOVE
The word-queues are formed. The thought-eggs have been produced and are ready to be hatched: 1) I'll leave myself and the treat of sex to the END. 2) I think (future) of Alvise at the orgy in JUST one week (Wed) and he DOES love me and offers to put me up for CONSTANT sex---remember, I've NEVER had TOO MUCH sex with someone else; only with myself, and he does cause John to be jealous of POSSESSING me (so that I'll again feel that he deserves the LOVE exuding from ME) and THAT'S something the relationship hasn't experienced (ME leaving JOHN for a month or so, for PRECISELY the factor I'm missing from OUR relationship: SEX!) 3) I was thinking of atoms (can't remember how I got to THAT) and the extraordinary FORCES operating at the CENTER of them, and think of the force of GRAVITY: f=km1m2/r2, and wonder if, when R is VERY small, the force becomes LARGE (instead of negligible, ANYway the sun isn't the SUN, only a stew of ATOMS) and that's ACTUALLY the NUCLEAR force. Started with someone's concept (Wheeler's) that it's the GEOMETRY of space that PRODUCES energy and thus mass and thus EVERYTHING!! 4) And I saw the atoms NOT in 3-D, but in 5-D, with a 2-D SURFACE of energy (and that only a SECTION THROUGH a 6-D "SUPER2THING") with each POINT corresponding to the energy of "innermost" nucleon to "next innermost" and you get a WEB of forces so TENUOUS it DOES collapse, OUT of existence, into sheer GEOMETRY! 5) I actually thought of each ATOMIC CENTER as an ENTRANCE to another DIMENSION (as the suckling mouth of a baby sucks at the 3-D INTERIOR dimensions of its MOTHER), POURING through the energies of love and magnetism and charisma and aura and psychic powers and vibrations. And these energy sources are PEAKS (melting in energy as a rapid candle, or a quickly melting inverted icicle---analogous to INVERSE WHIRLPOOLS in the "positive-negative" [as in film] dimension). 6) BEFORE I thought of atoms, I thought I'd like to lean back, warm, wet, fevered, exhausted, phlegmed, a PARTICULAR configuration that "those who watch from above" [boy, does THAT sound psychotic!] would find LOVABLE and they'd GIVE THEIR love to me, by taking me to them. Then I sank (somehow) to the atoms. 7) And then, AFTER thinking of the atoms as centers of GRAVITATIONAL force, I thought of my wish for "them" to love me, and suddenly thought, "The perfect way to show love is not to TAKE me to them) but to GIVE---and a light went on in my mind---something FROM them to ME (what would WE have to give a superior civilization, waiting for us to be RECEPTIVE (to make the mental first step in this cosmic cruise, so to think. So, to THINK.) so that THEY, more reasonably, could find a channel (mind) through which to GIVE---give what at various times were (and this list will undoubtedly end up being of items that are PERFECTLY symbolically IDENTICAL!) thought of as (a) a key (to the golden city, the HOLY city?) (b) a gift of an IDEA (the idea of the atoms as centers of gravitational forces) (c) THEIR LOVE, as if---following along this spectrum of energy:
Gravitational
Love
Infitronic
Quarkic
Particlic
Nuclear
Atomic
Olfactorily
Molecular
Buccally
Cellular
Organic
Electro-cellular
Neuronic
Visibly
Electric
Supersonic
Audibly---Sonic
Throbbingly (coming?)
Tactually---Human movementally
Terrestrial movementally
Galactic motions
Universal motions
Gravitational
Their love is a VIBRATION shipped along the frequencies of mysticism---what ARE the frequencies of mysticism? One person/500 years? What does that cycle SOUND like? The SOUND of ENLIGHTENMENT?
8) And then I want to write everything DOWN, but I'm soaking in the tub (to rid myself of a cold, having smoked, listening to tape 42 (or 43) with the end of the Beethoven String Quartet and Mahler's 4th) and figure it'll take me a WHILE to get to pen and pad, so I have to make myself a WORD-queue, which is what I started DIARY 4389 with in my notes this evening! 9) And then I smile and think "I don't want to TELL anyone---I've just had a cosmic fuck (which is the SAME as a blast of ALIEN LOVE---they GAVE us the org in the ORGasm---I want to SAVOR it (while the flavor lasts) and I sort of smile to myself as keeping FAITHFUL to omnipresent LOVE. 10) somewhere BACK there I thought of these WHIRLPOOLS as the cycles of my THOUGHTS and as they move in a CIRCLE, following the stem of time, you'd get a CYLINDER of thoughts AS the person, and if you move AWAY from the STEM of time (any distance on the 2-D plane of EQUAL ENERGY) the cylinder will APPEAR to NARROW at the apex, forming a CONE---that receives the glob of ice cream as the locus of the boundaries of the cosmic love filling the cone of US---SUPER2BEING'S triply-brewed (testicularly) quintessentially split, omni-fertile SPERM! 1) and the SEX-gift I left myself was to open my self TOTALLY to John (actually, his opening himself to ME and I having the faith in HIM [after he says to me "I'LL ACT OUT your deepest sex fantasies" and I BET if I told HIM that, HIS imagination would fail but he'd chide ME for having no sexual imagination, rather than HIMSELF! Maybe it's not so much the THINKING of it, but the COMMUNICATING of it to each other that's the problem!!!] to TELL him that I want to LAY on my back, STARK naked, BRIGHT (but flattering; rose, I would think) lights, coming into my self-generated UNTOUCHED ejaculation---without orgasm) [GOD, how I could watch someone do that if THEY wanted to do it for ME!] while he PRAISES my body, or better yet, talks HIMSELF into the SAME position: coming without touching out of the SHEER excitement of WATCHING someone ELSE come.). 12) whereas the only sex-gift I'll probably get tonight is my own HAND. Really, I've SAID this before, got to get OUT and get more SEX. I'm horny for good, honest (new) affection. 13) FORGOT the thought-fragment that since these "SUPER2BEINGS" operate in OTHER dimensions they see my SPIRIT, my SOUL, my COMING, my ORGASM-ENERGY in its own dimension, unobstructed by mere ATOMIC structure that might be in "line-of-sight" intervention. These centers of ORGASM-LEVEL energies are all CO-PLANAR, and the energy REMAINS as strongly in a REPRESENTATION of the moment "captured" [physically capturing the orgasm-energy so that it RADIATES from the PAGES, RESONATES from a BOOK] and my LOOKING at these pictures of guys ABOUT to come, and MOVIES of these (as noted before) would be even better, and the BEST of all would be to do it with ANOTHER PERSON. THIS person would TRULY be my LOVER. 14) think NOW (AFTER coming) that I now HAVE the CORE of the BALL of a multivolume opus: Take ALL 4392 pages (with my typewriter) [including my POT fantasies as LSD trips by various people] to Martha's Vineyard with John this summer and MOLD it into, say, 12 books of 400 completed continuous pages. At 20 pages of retyping/day, it would be 7 months! Whew! But it's ESSENTIALLY ALREADY THERE! Now THAT'S a ball (book) with BALLS!
[DIAGRAM MISSING]
BACK TO WRITING!
It's NOW 12:55 am, but my mind has received ANOTHER GIFT and I find it IMPOSSIBLE to resist the pen. After all, isn't this what my FREEDOM is FOR? It's about Mattachine (M, hereafter). What I SHOULD do is THIS: write a PROPOSAL to Henry Messer (or Alan Henderson), stating the following: I'm WILLING to WED myself to M in the following way (HE "donates"---possibly gets the money the same way I would attempt to round up the $100,000 described LATER) $30,000 to an ACCOUNT for M. Let's say this LONG-TERM, HIGH-VALUE account earns 10%, or $3,000/year. This is $60/week, plus my $75/week from unemployment (by the time IT runs out I'll either be making a LIVING from M, or I'll have to find OTHER work), = $135/week, or $6,750/year, which I'm SURE I can LIVE on. For THAT $60/week, I give M what HM wanted Bob Burdick to give. Bob worked 1-6, 5 hours/day = 25 hours/week for $50, or $2/hr. I want $2.50/hour, so 60 hrs = 24 hours/week, or 3 days, 8 hrs/day, or 10-6, where I leave home at 10, get to office at 10:30, leave at 5:30, for 7 hours WORK. But if I don't work 3 days a WEEK---156 days/year---if I work EVERY OTHER DAY (except pushing holidays by one day, giving 2 days free followed by 2 day's work) that's only 312 days, with 10 off for holidays (anyway), or 302 days, that LEAVES 63 days (I'll give back one or two days) and make it TWO MONTHS VACATION PER YEAR! So I survive and M appoints me as a PAID, NON-ELECTED BUSINESS MANAGER. What would I DO? (a) set up FUNDRAISING to make M self-supporting---tell TEN people to give $10,000, either themselves (to save trouble [or they, at ANY step, can send M a notarized WILL for 10 TIMES their level]) OR to get 10 friends to give $1,000 OR get THEM to get 10 friends to give $100 OR get THOSE friends to get 10 friends to give $10 or get THOSE IN TURN to get 10 friends to give $1 each. Should NOT be hard: at LEAST 100,000 gays should WANT to see M survive. Like 10 OFFICIALS give $10,000, each knows people in 10 STATES to get $1,000 from. Each person IN A STATE knows 10 people to get $100 from, either directly, or ONLY $10 from each of 10 friends. Gimmicks: "I'LL be ONE of your 10, and YOU be ANOTHER, but farm YOUR part out to 10 OTHER friends, etc." And I think of the CHART of 10 SHEETS, each with 10, or 100 columns, each column with 10 NAMES AND ADDRESSES, for the 1000 FREE members, on millimeter graph paper, so that each name would be ONE INCH WIDE, or 25 mm, thus 25 blocks WIDE, and it would only need 4 blocks HIGH to actually represent EACH DOLLAR of the 100,000. ANYWAY, M gets $100,000, or $10,000/year. $500/month rent = $6,000, leaving $4,000; $100/month utilities leaves $2,800. OR, say, $28/member (with 1,000 members: anyone giving $100 becomes a FREE-LIFE member into the BARGAIN, maybe 1000 of them, and giving maybe $4-$5/year for a M TIMES subscription, or not, as they choose, but they're always MEMBERS/resources/MAILING LIST NAMES! $28/member is, say $2/month, or 504/week, so every WEEK they can get a 104 stamp with 20 PAGES of 24/sheet xerox of STUFF. So M CAN survive viably WITHOUT memberships and having a great office to act as a BASE for ACTIVITIES! Activities MUST be self-supporting: magazines on subscription, dances, literary clubs, ANYTHING ANYONE WANTS. Remember, there's ROOM in the office and a MAILING LIST that's getting 20 pages/week! That's worth SOMETHING. So THERE are self-supporting activities. Now I need help: cleaning, typing, accounting, aides. THEY can come up with GRAVY-making ideas and SUPPORT themselves in RETURN for needed services. Someone, SUPPORTED by a GRAVY-MAKING idea (even ME), would LOVE to be librarian, janitor, counselor, etc. Now to some GRAVY-MAKING projects: (b) (1) selling bodies, with 75% to M (remember the MAILING lists---M acts as AGENCY and gets its CUT---the GRAVY. I could, MYSELF, do part of these gravy-making activities, TOO. (2) selling WRITING---make it SCARCE: i.e.: I say "OK, I'm appealing to SOMEONE. For 6 hours/day, say, I'll SELL myself to highest bidders. If 12 persons will pay $10 for me, I'll see if 6 will go to $20. If this concept caught ON, imagine the CACHET attached to BUYING someone, even as a speaker or presence at a party or stripper, for $5,000 per hour. 75% to M and the "Gravy fund" too! (3) selling photos and movies of member-made (gravy!) member-starring (Gravy! Groovy guys! QUALITY work!!!) (4) making plans for the PERPETUATION of THIS! (c) I see myself becoming a sort of gay Hugh Hefner, becoming, MYSELF, ACTUALLY, a person in a job of my own CREATION, with people BUYING my writing, making book companies EAGER to print---hell, with the gravy start a M press! (d) I see FRIENDS supporting themselves (1) John getting 10 people to give $10 twice a week for a meal, that's $200/week---$75 expenses = $125 + $75 unemployment = $200/week, and HE can live on THAT! (2) ARNIE could use the mailing list for advertising his cooking classes and HIS meals and cheesecakes (3) POPE could set up an ASTROLOGY service (4) travel agent could reap gold---I could plan trips for my 6 MONTHS vacation every 3 years. (5) Pornographers, other writers, artists, leather people, Bob Rosinek on art, Rolf Houkum on consulting. I could give LECTURES and of course during ALL this be WRITING and SELLING my STUFF (and my STIFF body, too) for money and security. (e) I see a WHOLE 'nother THING in this---setting up MY own "thing" (as Michael did) on reviews---ads will begin paying for themselves and I can put out a DAVID-like magazine. Open my own movie house to show my own films. Gravy to open "trip club" and writer's workshops and bookshops and travel guides and NYC escorts. The WHOLE thing: clothing and shoes and plane charters and theater benefits and dinners and radio and TV programs and concerts and sex shows. The horizons are LITERALLY UNLIMITED. (f) so my "Things to do" list would be (1) type this up, (2) extract letter to Henry Messer and literally sell the IDEA, MYSELF (and maybe even my BOD, who knows, THAT may be the key to his acceptance), (3) and then raise the money (maybe getting Don Goodwin's OK and cooperation with a bit of cock, too) and (4) accomplish everything listed above. (g) and I'd be getting the TOP of the cream since it'd be MY idea, and I'd become a celebrity (and rich and traveled and PUBLISHED) FOREVERMORE. What a GREAT IDEA! Can I go to sleep NOW? At 1:30 am? And of course, I have every OTHER day FREE under that plan, STILL! 2:30 am! More and more bizarre! Worse and worse! I want to do ALL this---TODAY actually, though I want to be at Radio City from 3-9 pm! But there are STILL odds and ends. (1) WOULD a travel agent be willing to "Ante" $10,000 to get IN on this? He SHOULD! (2) Ask "Help" how [for this AND "Whaddya KNOW?"] to ENSURE you can SUE if THEY take YOUR idea. Have them SIGN a "no-use" contract BEFORE I TELL them? (3) IS it legal per M's constitution? WHAT is phrase about "profit?" But it IS for M! (AND for me!) (4) And, as in past, I get idea I COULD die now, since THINKING something THROUGH to this DETAIL is as much (or more) fun as DOING it! (5) OTHER areas: stamp collection, furniture and antique sales. (6) YOU can get $100 by giving 10 dinners for 10 friends (you might do this ANYWAY) and get only $1 from friends for the dinner (and of course they bring YOU a goodie (wine, etc) to repay for YOUR expenses) in a sort of "M Friends Week" etc. TV shows, radio shows, psychiatrists, LISTINGS of SUPPORTED organizations that gradually go UP in cost. The MORE FREE MEMBERS the better, so $100 memberships obviously free, and once it gets GOING, maybe it could be for $50 or LESS. 1111 free members is GREAT BASE, or AGAIN, codes for various kinds of YEARLY subscriptions (someone may be offended by sex ads, for instance). Even BEING a mailing list SERVICE: "How many of you want to get mailings from ..." OK, ..., give me $1,000! (7) Would I have to REGISTER a PROSPECTUS? What about INCORPORATING? EVERYFORM: "EVERYthing FOR Members?" could branch OUT from gays to STRAIGHTS. the EVERYFORM national super-magazine! Nationwide everyform shows! Newspaper coverage, interviews, books! Movies, spectaculars, guided tours through the everyform EVERYCENTER. Bigger Cerebrum-type, big-city-funhouse discothèque place? (8) AND AGAIN I flit past the idea I could DIE now. [But I'm TYPING it now, at 11:10 am the next MORNING, so I got THIS far!] (9) or am I at a cusp in my astrology? (10) or have a fever (doesn't FEEL like it) (11) or maybe my 28-25-30 day RHYTHMS are crossing (12) or the MOON is full (13) or the GRASS was greater (14) or I've FLIPPED OUT AT LAST (15) but let's eat that peeled orange NOW! (16) Trip-tapes, Inc! Dance programs, concerts, dances, strip joints, trip-TV channels, whore houses, amusement parks. Super-Disney! The gay Harry Helmsley! (17) AND what a PERSON to push for GAY RIGHTS and EQUALITY under the LAW! The gay Ralph Nader and Dale Carnegie and Dr. Spock and Ann Landers. Gay columnists and newscasters and journalists, printers and painters and artists and entertainers. (18) and if the gravy-pot gets bigger, new offices! (19) Now I start on ice cream (the last of it) at 2:50 am, and sadly I'm thinking of settling down and READING until I FEEL like going to sleep, and this is the LAST sheet in this pad of paper, too. (20) God, I really AM manic, now, NO? (21) finish reading to page 63 of Godden's "Gone" at 3:45 am! Eyes TIRED. And I fall into bed (THAT "TIRED": the end of the notes, from here it's now) and STILL can't quite get to sleep, and find myself awake during the remaining night, and when John gets out of bed at 8 I heard ONLY the door closing and immediately fall back asleep, but MY time seems to be 8:26, since I'm up then, and DON'T feel like sleeping, so I'm out of bed, hearing John say he DID hear me moving about. Sorry! And even NOW my eyes are somewhat tired (lack of sleep HELPS, no doubt) and the pages of notes have stretched to EIGHT, which might be some sort of record for one night's production, and it sure makes a heavy day's typing! But I have the thought that the purely MAINTENANCE activities of the programs gave my MIND a chance to REALLY think about things subconsciously (at some OTHER level of that energy diagram on DIARY 4390) and this is just the FRUIT of THAT non-thought-taking set of activities. So FREEDOM IS productive, as John got T-W P people to agree with yesterday, and I feel like I've DONE something!
DIARY 5002
OPINIONS ON FOOD, ART, MUSIC, PLACES
1. Don't like bass; certainly don't like trout; yellow pike is tasteless.
2. Marty said I should try red snapper. I thought it was scrod, which was pretty good.
3. Cafe Chauveron: Chapon with Champagne is GOOD; Poulet a l'Estragon, with Tarragon Sauce, not so good.
4. Great Shanghai: Spiced Pork in Bean Sauce is good, but spicy and cloying after a while.
5. I don't like Geiswiller Burgundy.
6. Zao-Wou-Ki, an artist, paints WONDERFUL stuff.
7. Prokofiev's "Classical Symphony" is very good.
8. Wentworth-by-the-Sea, outside of Portsmouth, is quite a resort.
DIARY 5003
BOOKS TO GET
1. Mannerism, by Jacques Bousquet, published by Braziller.
2. Art Nouveau, by Schmutzler, published by Abrams, $20 list.
DIARY 5004
CHECK UP ON
1. Try a wine called Rosé d'Anjou.
2. Test whether, in fact of my experience, cigarette ash in alcohol speeds absorption into the brain.
3. See the bars called the Squaw and the Wigwam on Atlantic Avenue for American Indians (on WEEK nights only).
4. Try the Russian Orthodox Church of Christ the Saviour for Easter Eve services.
DIARY 5005
THINGS TO DO ARTISTICALLY
1. Cork city---huge series of towers, minarets, walls, domes out of glued cork.
2. What art needs is a Romantic-Surrealist painter. ME!
3. Paintings I do must be of architectural fantasies: castles, penthouses, palaces, terraces, colonnades, staircases, lavish outlines and turrets and towers and spires and roadways and rooms and windows and doors in dazzling profusion.
4. Why has no one done impressionistic paintings of aerial sights? Rivers and bridges and sand bars and woods, highways and tunnels and drive-ins and baseball fields and white houses and red roofs and water towers and alternating strips of earth and green. Cloud shadows and dry stream beds and wide square fields and junk yards and quarries, airports and cloverleaves and lakes? Swimming pools and airports and golf courses and factories and cemeteries and cities and suburbs? Power stations and boats and fires with smoke and dams. Tennis courts are the best backgrounds against which to SEE people. I've never seen anyone in a private pool.
5. What about a series of paintings: starting with, say, a face, and getting 10 times bigger (face, body, landscape, plane view, rocket view, earth, solar system, galaxy, universe, larger, larger), and then getting 10 times smaller (face, pore, protein group, molecule, atom, electron, smaller, smaller)---AND CHARLES EAMES DID THIS, IN A MOVIE CALLED POWERS OF 10, IN 1970---ABOUT 10 years AFTER I WROTE this NOTE!!
DIARY 5037
FALLEN ANGELS
WHY IS THERE, THROUGH HISTORY, THE STORY OF FALLEN ANGELS? Is it to make the thought that Man fell more palatable? That it is superhuman to fail? Is it an easy convention to explain the existence of evil? God wouldn't accept evil's existence, but the angel's sinned, and God was forced to create justice, and justice was forced to allow punishment, and punishment meant pain, and pain meant hurt, and hurt meant anger on the part of the angels, and the anger gave birth to feelings of revenge, and the revenge was vented, not on God, who is invulnerable, but on man, whom God had not made invulnerable? And that this revenge caused man to fall, and was this the wellspring of all evil? But if we men are the fallen, may we not be the fallen ANGELS, and our tortures are not a test, but the result of the test? And thus we are in hell, and have no reason for hope, since there is no hope of surcease? And this would also make feasible reincarnation, another story which has appeared through history. And if one of the arguments for the existence of God is the presence of the thought of God through history, might not reincarnation be a fact of this hell we live in?
DIARY 5380
October 1968
THE RECORDED SOCIETY
FANTASTIC---The Recorded Society. A computer controls ALL by: one a week, everyone in the world talks for as long as they want (but they MUST talk, if only to say they don't WANT to talk). Central computer processes for following: 1) Latent criminals; 2) people doing what they DON'T want to do; 3) people NOT doing what they want to do (even IF criminal); 4) Hidden talent that needs only cultivation (able to find GREATEST writer, GREATEST actor, GREATEST president); 5) People who WANT to FAIL (the rebels) who are inadvertently succeeding; 6) Poverty; 7) Stagnation and starvation: food, culture, sex, companionship; 8) Loneliness; 9) "Perfect" marriages; 10) "Perfect" relaxation for the INDIVIDUAL; 11) Could insure (and produce) drugs for ANY sickness, mental, moral or physical. EMPHASIS ON THE INDIVIDUAL, but all CONTROLLED by the computer. Question: Who controls the COMPUTER?? Who decides what is "good," "criminal," "bad, "artistic"? How is computer "Fail-safe"? Could it fail? Can accidents happen or 1) if recoverable, people recover; 2) if disintegrated, their COMPANIONS forget them by computerized "brainwashing." Would this be heaven? Or Hell? Would people be happy? Or robots? Would this be ultimate PROGRESS? Or ultimate REGRESS? NO workers, except those who WANT to work. Can president SURVIVE, when computer is actually running the government for him? How would this society COME ABOUT? How COULD this society END? What would visitors from outer space think of it? Where would religion, history, economics, philosophy fit? Would computer, by definition, become GOD? Better still, HAS it happened, and GOD IS a computer?? Travel: could attach two sense globes---one there, one in home, and everything that hits globe THERE (rain, wind, smells, sounds, feel of ground, tastes) hits globe HERE. MILLIONS per day. That for guided tour. For individual tour, rent one for "turn left, stop, turn right," etc. Globe operates by consensus, and thus have MANY tours "leisurely, fast, culture, boats, turn left, go higher, stop, etc," by consensus on panels of buttons. Globe can float, and submerge, go through solid walls. Globe produces anything: a look-alike of anyone, by EXACT COPY of electrons and protons. Globe needs only source of THE one basic particle that comprises electrons and protons: infitron (from Latin, lowest).
What's in this that ISN'T in "Not Improbable"??
DIARY 5382
October 1968
OBSESSION WITH NUMBERS
What a FANTASTIC numerological orgy WHIRLS in my brain Saturday night, May 15, 1966. XXX electrons in universe; XXX protons in universe; XXX atoms of elements 1-100; XXX molecules of molecules 1-100000000000; XXX human arms, legs, hearts, fingernails, drops of sperm, irises; XXX monkeys, fish, birds, insects, reptiles, all LIVING things; XXX plants, seaweed, mold, trees, grass, all VEGETABLE things; XXX rocks, rivers, planets, all MINERAL things; XXX vacuum, extent, force, energy: ALL THINGS. This is all NOW. But from the beginning of TIME there have been SO many more all of these. Those are natural things. Then there are the man-made things: books, newspapers, paintings, sculpture, food packages, TV shows, plays, movies, yo-yos, glass beads, contraceptives, eyeglasses, atom smashers, sheets of paper, drugs, wrist watches, grams of Einsteinium, theories, laws, clocks, measurements: HOW MANY NOW: HOW MANY EVER, HOW MANY TOTAL? Then there is ME. How many of above THINGS did I have, eat, read, chew, sit on, see, smell, shit on? How MANY times did I come, eat farina, brush teeth (in one day, in 100 years, in one second)? How MUCH of my hair was cut, nails were clipped, come, words did I read (of what?), words did I write (to WHOM), how many love affairs, movies, books, New York buildings, cities, people have I SEEN? How many heartbeats, miles of flowing blood, sneezes, coughs, comes, eye blinks, sniffs, eyelashes fell, stubbed my toe, sat down, steps, walked, snores snored, combed hair, washed hands, blown nose, rode a roller coaster, got married. Children: over 100000 years, how MANY would I have?
DIARY 5383
October 1968
THE BOMB DESTROYED NEW YORK
The bomb destroyed New York: the Vermeers in the Metropolitan, the Sophia Loren photo in the Museum of Modern Art; a squirrel in Central Park; the penthouse of River House; pennies in a drunk's pocket, subway tracks under rivers, dead bodies buried in Trinity Churchyard, clocks in buildings, copies of memos to the file; 1000000 tree leaves, the Thalia showing "Potemkin," a condom in Harlem, cabbage in a store on Grove Street, the fifteenth wire in the George Washington Bridge, statues, policeman on corner of Dykeman and Broadway, how many museums and theaters and stores and rich people and poor? Books in library and fucking? Magazines and trucks and stoplights and moths and roaches and TR's house and flags and hamburgers and hairpins and bush jackets and toilet paper.
CHARACTERS
1. Physical Description
a. of myself
b. of someone else
c. of a fantasy
SETTING
Global
a. American
b. European
c. South American
d. Oriental
e. Fantasy world
Start of chapter
SITUATION
True to MY life
True to a REAL life
True to a FANTASY life
Core of chapter
THEME
From MY life
I. Compulsions
a. Homosexuality
b. Masturbation
c. Writing
d. Meeting people
e. Knowing everything
f. Reading
II. Fears
a. Flying
b. Old Age
c. Dying
From a REAL life
From a FANTASY life
2. Intellectual Descriptions
a. of myself
b. of someone else
c. of a fantasy
Specific
(Locale or surrounding)
a. New York
1. Homosexual
2. Fashionable
3. Slum
4. Central Park
a. Day
b. Night
5. Columbia
b. Ohio
1. Home
2. School
3. Incidental (Prop or detail)
DIARY 5384
October 1968
WHAT IS A HUMAN LIFE?
Only through various COMMUNICATIONS
1. Man to "Ultimate"---indivisible
2. Man to "God" (Theo-philosophical) HIGHER
a. Sublimest ecstacies---highest saints, Jesus, Mary, Maya, IS
b. Revelations---saints
c. Prayer---monks
d. Worship---priests
e. Service---nuns
3. Man to Himself (Psycho-Physiological) SAME INTRA
a. Sublimest Ecstasies---LSD, gurus, God
b. Revelations---psychiatrists, deepest self-awareness, soul-mates
c. Thought---about "God," himself, lower, friends
d. Emotions---love, hate, fear, envy, desire, greed, lovers, pornography, self-sexuality
e. Sensations---sight, sound, touch, taste, smell, heat, pressure, health, acquaintances
4. Man to Man (Socio-Educational) SAME INTER
a. Sublimest ecstasies---gurus, saints
b. Revelations---soul-mates
c. Thought---study, read, learn, science, work
d. Emotions---society, politics, play
e. Sensations---service, help, cooperation
5. Man to Background (Reactional) LOWER
a. Sublimest ecstasies---sunsets, art, music of HIGHEST "lowerness"
b. Revelations---truth, beauty, academic revelations
c. Thought---reading, writing, study
d. Emotions---company, heat, comfort, health, convenience, pleasantness
e. Sensations---breathe, eat, sleep, have sex
AGES OF MAN
ECSTASIES (Divine) (The Ultimate) (Ultimate) (BE) Death
REVELATIONS(Divine/Human)(Theo-Philosophical)(Soul) (Teach) 30 - death
THINK (Human) (Rational) (Brain) (Learn) 10-30 years
FEEL (Human/Animal) (Emotional) (Heart) (Feel Internal)1-10 years
SENSE (Animal) (Mechanical) (Body) (Feel External) 0-1 year
DIARY 5385
October 1968
FIRST CHAPTER OF GENESIS
Thoughts on the first chapter of Genesis. Pre-day 1: Think of man in a room: take away sight, sound, touch, body: the senses. That takes things back to day three. If he had no corpus, to day 2; if he had no THOUGHT, to day 1; if he had no time, no tick-tock, to before day 1. ONLY GOD IS THEN. Where is thought? In ENERGY! This is the bible of "This loop." That of the next loop will differ by one word, the new by another, etc.
DAY 1: "Be light made" is TIME. "And light was made": seconds. "He called the light day": TIME, "and the darkness night": Pre-time, the negative infinity
DAY 2: "Amidst the waters": pre-time versus time; "firmament": dimensions---and with dimension came velocity L/T.
DAY 3: Matter was formed, and molecules, and with matter, GRAVITY, and with mass, energy.
DAY 4: EVOLUTION: creation of the planets and the stars.
DAY 5: Life in the water.
DAY 6: Life on earth. And on the 8th day, everything God made becomes God? God MUST be the end, just as he must be the beginning. So limitless is time backwards, but there is still a point beyond which time could not have existed, since time, by definition, is NOT eternity, and the same at the OTHER end: there must time cease and eternity CONTINUE. When radial energy is greatest, THAT IS GOD. God is inwardness, energy is outwardness: the world is a "grown" God. Maybe that line meets itself and forms a continuity. May there be an "away from God" in the OTHER direction? An ANTI-existence, as there are anti-protons?
DIARY 5401
APOTHEOSIS!
When the right amount of time passed, the sky exploded. Showers of white blazed from the zenith, and it seemed that the blue of the sky cracked to reveal the blinding light of the universe. The city, as he looked down at it, stretched and gleamed in the sunlight; pouring upward from the streets, the buildings became pillars of rainbow, stretching up to where the sky had once been. It was as if the universe had cracked open like an egg at the time of hatching, and the REAL world flooded in as brilliant glory. The people moved silently, beautifully, clothed in sheer silks and gossamers, and their faces were pale and placid in repose. The egg had cracked, the walls had been breached, the soul was free! I yearned toward the universe in an apotheosis of longing, stretched my arms until they freed themselves of the chest, which split, showing the same radiance of light from within as from without. As the people watched me, I grew immense into the light, and they, pleased, awed, happy, compassionate, soared upward and became stars, flashing into incandescence. The material world, elongated beyond recognition, dissolved into whirling vortices, madly spinning around their centers, which were gleaming golden pin-globes. These too, radiating, grew in size, shooting out from the center through the whirlpools, and vanished into the essence of light. From above, from below, from within, all was light, and the perceptions ceased when there was nothing to perceive, and the being was one with the light.
DIARY 5402
September 1965
CREATE A CULTURE
CREATE A CITY: Give it a name and inhabitants. Call no people by names existing today, but invent the names of the famous composers, opera singers, statesmen, presidents, faggots, movie stars, governors, mayors, pianists, photographers, authors, sports heroes, racers, jockeys, freaks, philanthropists, dramatic stars, critics, nightclub entertainers, biologists, chemists, pornographers, architects, set designers, costume designers, dress designers, couturiers, ALL the brand names of TV and refrigerators, and wrist watches and suits. Give NO PROPER NAME that exists today, yet establish WHICH is the good, which is the better, which is the BEST. Let the conversation reveal who is famous and envied and worshipped and lionized and written up in the gossip columns. Go to concerts but create the architecture of the building, go to movies but create the stars and the plots. Read books never written, sing songs never sung, recite from anthologies of poetry that the world has never seen. Walk streets with NEW names and see buildings with signs advertising products by names never before heard. Make nothing similar, so that people can say THAT is meant to be New York, or Central Park, or Fifth Avenue, or Beekman Place, or Dorothy Kilgallen, or Liberace, or Greta Garbo, or Governor Lehman, or Stan Musial, or the Duchess of Windsor. Insert foreign countries, too, with names to drop of kings and ruins and literature and vanished cultures. Like Tolkein, invent a history and races and names and places, but unlike Tolkein, MAKE IT CONTEMPORARY. HAS IT EVER BEEN DONE? Invent styles of clothing for kings who have never existed, hairdos for starlets who never lived, styles of furniture and houses and gardens and food for people and places that never existed. Piano pieces in styles never dreamed of, philosophers and critics who never wrote, a legacy from a civilization that never occupied the face of the earth, modes of LOVE that pattern themselves on lovers long dead who never lived, cosmetics for skins that never breathed, manufacturing corporations producing synthetic fibers and advertising on radios and TV stations from cities unknown and frequencies unheard of for sponsors that never lived on the shelves of the boutiques of huge department stores that grace the pages of newspapers sold on structures by kids destined to become the leaders of countries that fly off on modes of transportation never invented to planets that are NOT of our system and stars that have never swum into the sight of the race now existing on earth at this time, at any time in the past, or at any future time yet to be in the span of life of man on earth.
