IDENTITY INTEGRATION #7 WITH JON OF 7/16
ACTUALISM 245
7/17/82
This final sentence (of the 4th Primitive) (the HEALING SENTENCE) is: "All enlightened identities say: Let the power of the many truths of each identity free every identity from the counterwill that inflicts discomfort, disease, and death upon the structures and functions of our beloved body and mind, in which we all live together." He says afterward that the HOME sessions are in JAVELINS. Coming DOWN, after nonverbal SOUL at the top, say "All enlightened personal and planetary mental/emotional/perceptual/human/physical identities say ... " He said that 8-10 are repeats of 2-4 primitive. He starts by asking what I've noted from the previous one (way back in May), and I remember NOT ONE SINGLE THING from it (having never done the outside sessions). So I say most things on the trip were connected with Freeing identity, and he admits that things come thick and fast for us who take both classes AND Identity Integrations, and that reminds me EVER more strongly (as when reading the book on "How to Improve Your ESP") that I do SO MUCH that seems NOT FOLLOWED THROUGH ON: I read and experience and travel, and just rush from experience to experience without really PRACTICING Actualism or other disciplines (good name!) and Gurdjieff theories and practices, and bodywork and singing and time-saving and biorhythms and astrology. I say in the session that my brain-mind always wants to keep CONTROL of what's going on, and I didn't like the "destructive sentences" being handed BACK because I made so many GOOD CONNECTIONS that I kept FORGETTING, though I said (hoping he'd agree) that lots of things WERE coming up UNDER awareness because of what I did, and he DID confess that HE'S busy taking off loads and enlightening identities as HE sees them come up when I'm not in an energy because "images hide behind energies." I feel that I want to open up to him, particularly when he said there seemed to be "veils" that separated my brain-mind from my emotions. When I was reading ONE negative sentence, about how unenlightened magnetic identities would structure behavior so that enlightened dynamic identities would go random and attract OTHER unenlightened magnetic identities (from outside) that would DESTROY my enlightened dynamic identities, and I resonated with the sadness of the WASTE of energy (and enlightenment) and LOTS of tears came up, and Jon noted BITTERNESS and rage and even FEAR (which I agreed would probably be the LAST thing I would admit to, though I've made progress in admitting, first, sadness (which was easy when I dissolved into tears), and now ANGER and RAGE and FRUSTRATION, which I wouldn't have so easily recognized (or suppressed) before) came up for me, and HE (don't know if Chrystal did this or not) kept reporting that he felt the beginnings of, not a headache, but "pressure" I said, and he agreed, in the head; elimination through the lower body and legs when my legs were tingling; pressures on the heart and upper digestive system that I did NOT feel or report; though my THROAT was a focus of discomfort from the SADNESS that would come up. Also talked about the ruckus of last night when I tried to "permit" Dennis and Susan to sit on the stoop while I entertained Rolf, and Dennis got VERY angry ("hurt," he called it) when he kept accusing me of liking Rolf better than HIM, and of not having wanted to invite him over in the FIRST place, though he permitted HIMSELF to say he was bored with OUR conversation about computers, and I felt that I didn't want to hurt THEM by saying I was bored with their conversation about the American Humanists of Pittsburg and Ellen Rosenfeld before Dennis got to the POINT of his story to say that he and Marvin were getting into a job-finding support group for two! Obviously counter-working identities. Got lots of relief toward the end of the session, but I went away feeling I SHOULD use them more, or at least steer clear of new things (and of course I'll take the rest of the new Cranials and go into the Autonomic series as soon as it's offered!) for awhile. Reviewed LOTS of old things with him: my frustration that life is so SHORT and death will cut EVERYTHING off, so why spend time spinning wheels with the dynamic IN ME fighting other dynamics IN ME; my irresolution about being penetrated being GOOD or disregarding a CENTRAL EMOTION of my gay relationships; my looking down on the magnetic RESPITE my organizational and structuring abilities; my constant reference to the dynamic as DOING and the magnetic as being merely PASSIVE, equated with the FEMALE that I've determined NOT to be in society that thinks that merely because I'm gay I SHOULD be feminine, though I don't dislike my feminine RECEPTIVITY to the beauties of art and dance and literature and beautiful countrysides. So lots of things are UP, and he took lots of notes, told me that Chrystal had left lots of notes, including some of the gay discussions, and I even pointed out my "being forbidden" promiscuity, which I'd liked. Jon seems VERY strange: writing with a funny slim cramped style that makes me think he might have had muscular dystrophy as a child. He uses his large hands rather flamboyantly, and not a few times the idea of our becoming lovers entered my mind, and once I found him looking at me rather speculatively, like he was NOT working with me but looking AT me, though at other times I'd say something to look up to find him entranced with his eyes closed and his hands cupping the air as if channeling some energy tool I haven't had yet. He said that I had to operate more in high frequency so that I could attract the high frequency "mate" that the immortals had introduced me to in Chrystal's session, and even THAT simple factor has not been one that I've thought of a lot in the recent past. Felt like I wanted to say too much, though he was usually receptive to what I was saying, never using anything like "let's work on the nonverbal" as Richard used to do, and a few times he even asked "What are you finding here?" and I was surprised to find that sensations usually did NOT go below the neck, though at one point he said to concentrate particularly on the liver, and I felt lots of things giving way there, and that's about when I started crying, feeling good for the release, yet rather silly with me so NEW to him. He seemed pleased with my progress, saying we were scheduled for the 8th one, and wondering about his saying "my getting a lot" might not indicate he might be thinking of transferring me into a healing group. I wouldn't like this, and would probably try to make some deal like I made with Chrystal to take maybe a little MORE than I can handle and be willing to put up with the conflicts that arise---as they MAY be doing now! Things DO seem to be happening on a LOT of levels at the same time these days! Moving FASTER and DEEPER than before.
ACTUALISM 248
8/11/82
#3-44: PLANETARY FREEING INTELLIGENCE OF 7/26
He starts with some announcements: 1) Men's seminar with JON (I'll miss it).
2) Katy Desenburg is giving Kinesthesiology, connected with hair analysis, in October.
3) Toby Weiss is giving a deva-place slide-travel show in October.
If Magnetic and Dynamic of a system don't RESPOND, they're tied to some EXTERNAL M&D. Tommasina comes up with LOVING THE INCURABLE---so I SHOULD LOVE DEATH!! The former was PERSONAL Freeing Intelligence, this is important for PLANETARY work. NOW we get PLANETARY Freeing Intelligence, which frees ME from any planetary involvement and enables us to DEAL WITH MASS MIND.
Centers 1, 9, 0, and 17; with this on, you're FREE from PLANETARY component of YOUR fear and plug-in. As a surprise, it's a Russell-tape for the FIRST one. "As God-Children WE were given birth before ANYTHING else, from mother/father creator/god BILLIONS of years ago.
Light Pink sun, not expanded; Subtle Warrior full field 1-17; Red-Gold 30 feet. Center 1 is the ATMOSPHERIC home-center of Planetary Freeing Intelligence. Center 17 is the PLANETARY home-center of Planetary Freeing Intelligence. This acts as a human, plant, and mineral DISCONNECT.
PILOT = ACTUAL SELF
Unify with Group-Souls of individual SPECIES.
"This is a sort of CAPSTONE OF LEARNING. He speaks of the "planetary cells of the planetary body of each species." Each SPECIES IS AN ORGAN OF THE PLANET! I can't remember anything of my report, save that I mentioned that I'd started by feeling my typical fear of flying earlier, but now I didn't have it. He said something that (in the gathering) gave me a jolt, so I used that as the basis of my report, but I forget now what it was, and I didn't take notes of what it was. Jon, as Chrystal, tends to get very "perceptual" in the session, which puts me up-particularly-tight, since the LESS I can see the more uncomfortable I feel. I probably said that I was in the middle of processing---remember that the BEGINNING was fine, I thought everything was going WELL but then during the break everyone FLAKED OUT, and then the END got awful, and I might have been tying into the mass-mind of the sleepy GROUP. But I was eager to leave for my trip, and that was top priority.
ACTUALISM 249
8/11/82
#3-45: INTENSIVE ON PLANETARY FREEING INTELLIGENCE OF 8/9
He announces, but Elaine Hyams' PLANETARY session on Saturday, August 21, is superceded by the gay men's seminar at the same time. They announce a movement seminar by Gil at Willkie Hall on Tuesday August 31, at 7 pm, for $5.
Jon: If you turn on a tool and it doesn't WORK, you're NOT in enlightened awareness and can't FEEL any high frequency.
1) Gather BROADER and WIDER and GET OUT OF RUTS OF ORDINARY.
2) Turn on tool and call BACK the former turmoil to PROCESS IT completely.
3) In FEAR, turn on WISDOM (for PLANETARY fear, use Planetary Freeing Intelligence). If Wisdom INVERTS to ignorance and SMALLNESS, go to Higher Will (which I remember I DID invoke on the PLANE!) and EXPAND---if THAT inverts to RAGE, go back to WISDOM. The old double switch!
The three "most important" energies are Wisdom, Perfection, and Higher Will.
4) Use ONE intelligence at a time (Planetary Freeing Intell is ONE; Personal FI OTHER). You CAN add a power ray of ONE energy (ruby red for body; Cosmic Mother for love) (As I Did!)
Keep the CONSCIOUSNESS of the INTELLIGENCE and WORK IN the specific energy. COPILOT'S job (not the immortal's job) (not Jon's, not Actualism's) is to IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE. Planetary FI is to free PRIMITIVE consciousness of plants and minerals that lower my quality of living.
"Emotional level---so loaded with grief and depression"---Is THAT why I get so sad and depressed when I go out emotionally to someone beautiful??? For a 20-minute vacation: Go to Eden Consciousness at Angelic, for healing temples, temples of wisdom, higher libraries available for HOURS of study. Archetypal has the ACTUAL DESIGN of structure and function; the ACTUAL IMPRINT of Being. Path of service: stand steady in high frequency, bringing clarity and humanity! Dark forces are masters of subjective---we can get so strong OBJECTIVELY that we can move into other's subjective and free them. Russell keeps saying at each level that we "interact and lock-in Giant Warriors."
Center 17 helps people stabilize and stand firmly in truth.
If you DON'T get high frequency, YOUR magnetic and dynamic may be TIED INTO mass mind very strongly, so strongly that it can't feel the high frequencies.
We CAN expand the sun or suns of our choice, but NONE were expanded tonight. During the next two weeks of sessions: EXPAND AND ENJOY (so it's not so hard getting through the layers as tonight).
If the heart RELAXES and OPENS, the body DIES.
Marilyn Gutin: "Seeing a greater need for a stronger view" comes to me as if she had said "Seeing a greater ME for a stronger YOU."
Lucretia: "Water's not polluted, it's the stuff IN it that's the pollution." Emphasis on the Red-Gold: PEACE BE STILL.
Jon was VERY pictorial: emphasizing feels and sensations in body and field and human, and I felt nothing at all, so I got the typical nervousness about what to report about. Add to that the fact that I'd gotten up at 5 am this morning and it was, at 10:30 when we finished, 4:30 am Europe time, so I don't puzzle why I felt so tired---but lack of perception bothered me, and I kept seeing the reports of the OTHERS as false: Barbara being actually ANGRY, Lucretia trying to PLACATE Jon, Tommasina trying to IMPRESS him, Maureen trying to prove that she wasn't WHINING anymore, Paula that she was WORTHY, Michael that he was so GREAT, Meg that she was so NEEDING OF PITY, Marilyn again saying she realized that she thought it was good to suffer and would now change, as she'd said so many times before, and me trying desperately to say something positive, when at times I just wanted to leave the room, and reacted only when Jon said that sometimes the high frequency got so intense that the only way we could react was to fall asleep. I got out as quickly as I could, savoring only Jon's eagerness to attend the cheapest French restaurant on the list, hoping he could attend some of the others, and I really have to check ahead when we know how many's coming so that the place will SEEM to have high frequency in the place where we're going to EAT! He also announced that, come October, some of US will be asked to join the advanced group of Social Lights, and he said some were already working for them, and I guess I was one of them already, which made me feel somewhat AHEAD of the rest of the group, a good feeling---also got the STRONG feeling that I'd better do SESSIONS during the next two weeks: not GOOD to go to class without having done ANYTHING during the PAST two weeks. Naughty!
ACTUALISM 251
9/1/82
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #8 of 8/20
This is a repeat of #5, which I don't check to see if it's the same as: "All enlightened identities say: let the power of our many truths free all identities, for it is the power of truth that sets us free to enjoy the abundant goodness of living harmoniously in and with our beloved body, field, and matrix forms and functions." Discomfort wells up in my body very quickly, and for the first time I think I hear that unloading should be done DURING some of the penultimate sayings, and I can FEEL that, too. There seems to be a lot of choking feelings, and again I talk about not wanting to die, and how I'm impressed by the "negative statement" that some of the egos WOULD rather die than support the good will being channeled by some of the enlightened identities. NOW that I'm typing it ten days later, I'm also impressed by my HOPE that "Masters of the Far East" is right when it keeps insisting that we DON'T die, that we continue our immortal lives on different planes, and continue on THIS earth-plane if we really WANT to, bodies reborn in healthy youth if we put our FAITH to it. Jon reads from someone else's report about this session, and a lot of it doesn't seem to apply: things about "revolution on the inner," but some of it I can identify with and Jon seems to see more applications than I do. The final saying isn't so tear-stained as before---thought I remember having some of my physical reactions read to me from the last session and it was a general dead coldness that feels "past" for me now---and I can feel some very positive feelings welling up: desires to ADMIT more of the light to my living, desires to WANT more of the afterlife that Actualism promised, even if it MIGHT be kidding myself. I kept reading, hoping the mind would quiet, and it seemed to abscond and hide through much of the session, while Jon burped along doing lots of the processing. It took three hours, to my surprise, since he seemed to hurry me through some of the preliminary statements by saying I was activated enough already, but toward the end it was stretched out and more tortured, so that I just waited for it to be over. Felt good toward Jon but he went upstairs before I could voice my "thank yous." Wondered about the "coincidence" of going to "Sword and Sorcerer" after coordinating and to "Caddie" and "Breaker Morant" after this: hope I'm not loading low frequency atop high!
ACTUALISM - 252
9/1/82
GAY MEN'S SEMINAR #4 OF 8/21
There was a GROUPED men's seminar for third-advanced BETWEEN this and the last one I went to, but I was in France during it. Didn't take notes during it, but chose to report so that Bruce said "You actually volunteering to talk?" Said that I BEGAN to feel the POSSIBILITY that pornography might be draining on the energies, though immediately they AGAIN brought up the DARK FORCE ENERGIES that were fed by the FUNDING of pornography, and I turned off rather abruptly. We worked in Cosmic Father, and I listened through all of it as we blazed up, but then my brain-mind was so SQUEALY that I personally blazed up Cosmic Mother and Radiant Warrior to try to quiet it down, until I at the end felt that I was BLUDGEONING it into silence. When it DID silence, I STILL didn't get much out of it except for sadness at my lack of ANY sort of experience, and I kept wondering WHAT I was going to report. At the end Bruce got up to leave the room JUST as Jon was pointing at me for the first report, and I felt such a RELIEF that Bruce was out of the room I was later tempted to ask him if he felt that he SHOULD leave the room! I simply said that I'd used other energies (not knowing if that was proper, and Jon didn't say that it WASN'T), and he said something about my getting out the big guns. I said I didn't experience anything, was very activated throughout, and didn't have anything else to report. Gene Adams went on and on about not being able to report coherently; George Hudacko talked a lot ("the mouth") about his life and problems and getting dragged into sordid activities; Wayne Dennis did his usual worthless number, and Arthur Ellenbogen seemed to talk more clearly, stammering only a bit, and everyone remarked about his new clean-shaven appearance, and even Bruce Jaffee talked about his face-covering beard and Jon mentioned something about his mustache. I again debated shaving it off just to SEE if my chin line's changed at all. I talked to Jon about my leaving afterward, for Christmas, and he'd just made the schedule and thought we wouldn't have the time (no, this was after yesterday's II: after THIS class I just LEFT immediately, closing down so that NOTHING would happen on the subway afterwards, since I felt so open, and sadly, it didn't). I do so want SOMETHING to happen, but even talking to the vaguely sexy guy at ATL during the dance the next Tuesday produced nothing.
ACTUALISM 253
9/1/82
#3-46: ALL FIELD IDENTITIES WITH PLANETARY FREEING INTELLIGENCE
At first he said Tommasina wasn't going to be here tonight, then he said she wrote a LETTER after the last class saying she was DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL. Oh! He announced that we come to a "break" on December 13, and another break after six sessions (obviously the communications meetings) from the January 3, 1983, meeting, neither of which I could make up, so I guess that's no Australia. He said that Carol Ann was coming in April or May, and that we had to phone in on September 1 to schedule our mid-third conference with him and sign up for Katy for Mineral Analysis in October. And Sept 15 NSH meeting, too. We're told to KEEP, as last time, keeping OUT of routine in gathering and sessions. We're told to COME IN "freed and lifted," to enjoy more of the high frequency EARLIER. This energy acts as a DISCONNECT from mass mind, not CONNECTING us to it! Repeat: networks are of LIGHT; darkness can't channel on them AT ALL. OUR energies go to PLANETARY HIERARCHY, which THEN is distributed to fight images. Unify 1) with IMMORTAL, then 2) with COPILOT (enlightened part of PERSONALITY). When Copilot TIRES of brain-mind, ACTIVATE it and find out WHY it's upset, letting in the senses and the emotions last, and LISTEN to the complaint with Copilot and take action. AFTER that, just say STOP, that's enough---it's not FAIR for one ego to take over: it's MAJORITY RULE.
NEGOTIATE as you would with TWO PEOPLE ARGUING.
Parts demanding attention aren't BAD; they want to be WORKED with and for.
Carol Ann's SEMINARS on low-intensity high-frequency is ABOUT this handling of the low frequency present in the high intensity of NYC.
Center 9 is GOOD for simplifying the "I have no TIME for ... "
We MAY spend too much time on our OWN stuff when there's a PLANET out there CRYING for help.
An image is MAGNETIC to high frequency---FEED it and it'll GROW.
Two forms of denial: I CAN'T and I WON'T.
If you're in a THOUGHT-form, you'll miss the ACTION in the SESSION.
Image: I don't WANT to be sensitive; it's all HORRIBLE out there.
Sensory gets PLEASURE; emotional gets JOY; mental gets INSPIRATION, in high frequency.
WEAK? Your POWERFUL EMANATION of weakness goes out LOUD AND CLEAR!
If you have INNER PEACE, you can be a Peacemaker to the Planet.
Energy of Perfection, Subtle Warrior, and Red-Gold "Peace Be Still" through Mental/Emotional/Perceptual/Human/Physical: ALL field intelligences, GREAT.
Next event is a COMMUNICATIONS event, for which he gives out a sheet with QUESTIONS for us. My report is FIRST, saying "I'm glad to have a POSITIVE report for a change, with GOOD feelings, and JOY when I realized we were going through all the identities, and lots of ANTICIPATIONS of what was going to be said, and LOTS of work done; feeling GREAT in work!"
ACTUALISM 254
9/4/82
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #9 OF 9/3
This is a repeat of #6, and the final sentence is "With enlightened awareness, all identities love the many truths of each other, for the power-filled support and protection of each other and of the beloved body, field, and matrix forms embracing us, for this is the actual design of life more abundant." We got into the negative ones quickly, Jon reading only a bit of his "writer" saying that where #8 dealt with the terrorists and their violence, this deals with the Mafia and their love of low frequency. I find discomfort quickly, and Jon reports he feels it in my BONES. I say this is connected to the communication session questions about "who does what," and he obviously implies that I have to do the work, and he later says he can see large chunks breaking away from the back and sides, after I reported that I felt a LARGE schism between the Mental and the Emotional-Perceptual levels. At one point a LARGE amount of emotion came up, and he requested me to "let it flush through," which left the option of weeping copiously or just processing in. At a few points I must admit I burped HUGELY, but it may be from the salad at breakfast---no, just had EGGS. Reported that I felt MY images of death may be connected to the PLANET'S panic about nuclear or ecological destruction. He got me into the healing tools rather quickly and said that lots was being cleared up; we only worked 22 hours this time. Talked a lot about New York, how its high intensity makes one expect high FREQUENCY to be high intensity to be "appreciated," also. Talked about how New York concentrates on SURFACE glitter rather than DEPTH and FEELING. I felt that it was a good, though too fast, session, reporting that negativity seemed to CONCENTRATE me down into a low point, while high frequency was characterized by EXPANSION and UP-looking. How in depression I just closed down and wanted to be THROUGH with something (life?), where in elation I reached out for more and more and felt better. He said I should concentrate on FEELING more, on PERCEIVING more of the low-intensity high frequency. I thanked him a few times; we rearranged restaurant times so he and Barbara and Lois could come to La Vielle Auberge, and Paula changed the signs and will come with us too. Emphasis on reveling in each INTELLIGENCE (center-group): Knowing, creative, healing, motion.
ACTUALISM 255
9/4/82
(page 712 in all) DRAFT OF QUESTION-ANSWERING
(15.460914/hour; .257684/minute; $113.67/month, about $3.7106188/day!)
Product: 712 pages and $7914.75 expended to class of September 6, 1982 since November 4, 1976. (70 months & 2 days; 2133 days)
Interestingly: first I go for EXTERNAL product, but what about the INTERNAL product?
1. ALL I KNOW of my Actual design as a Cosmic Being is that I am MORE than I know NOW.
The Being of Light is EVOLVING and progressing. Even Logos is not perfect. All of God is present AT every point AT every instant in time. Wisdom Temples are at Angelic for us to LEARN in.
2. My personality still feels REMOTE from the God-child Creator I AM.
3. If my IMMORTAL has a relationship (other than occupancy) to planet earth, my PERSONALITY ignores it---even more, it doesn't CARE for MORE responsibility.
4. I am PART of the Cosmic Creation; don't know anything about the Being who creates it.
5. The purpose and goal of Actualism is the Enlightenment of as many as possible.
6. I am a student of Actualism; not the best, not the worst---making progress.
7. Actualism has the responsibility to continue to offer classes, to continue to train teachers, to continue to impart whatever new methods they find.
8. A Staff Teacher is engaged in his/her own enlightenment through teaching.
9. Student/teacher personal relationships are circumstantial and idiosyncratic on the personality level, but I suspect they take DEEP responsibility for their students on higher levels.
10. A Staff Teacher is responsible to use any method to increase my personal participation and movement toward Enlightenment. CHECKING and INFORMING if I'm doing anything HARMFUL or WRONG, and making the necessary PROGRESS. (Enlightenment: lifting of low frequency; increasing of high frequency; learning and experiencing MORE of ALL.)
11. Carol Ann and Russell have chosen the School of Actualism as their best, quickest, most enlightened path to their own personal enlightenment.
12. Same as the answer to #9, except their responsibilities are deeper in that they take the responsibility of the teachers teaching as well as the students attending.
13. Carol Ann and Russell have no PERSONAL responsibility to me, but have responsibilities for ensuring I'm not MISLED on higher levels.
My personal purpose and goal is to get MORE enlightenment through Actualism. To do this, I continue in classes, continue in practice, continue in taking a small amount of bodywork compatible with physical well-being, and continue taking a large amount of special classes compatible with exploration and improvement. As time goes on, I am taking MORE responsibility for my personal direction and Actualism takes LESS; I foresee no ABSOLUTE TERMINATION of this relationship.
ACTUALISM 256
9/20/82
#3-47 COMMUNICATIONS CLASS OF 9/6
Jon passed out a questionnaire last time which I typed page 255 in response to, taking THESE notes: The Being of Light is EVOLVING and progressing. Even Logos is not perfect. All of God is present AT every point AT every instant in time. Go to the Wisdom Temples at Angelic to LEARN about this. Staff Teacher also CHECKS and INFORMS if I'm doing anything HARMFUL or WRONG, and making the necessary PROGRESS.
Then I take notes on the questionnaire, WHICH I'LL TRANSCRIBE HERE: Some Beings of Light create FORMS: playing planetary earthing games. OTHER Beings of Light have EARTHED this already. Wait, I'm here on a PLANETARY job, I need the Higher WILL to get about my father's business, FORGET my petty ills and needs (as Jon says). The Being of Light LEARNS.
To #1 Jon adds: Cosmic Being of Light (God-Child; Actual Self; Creator).
At #3: If WE earthe, Logos EVOLVES. The planet is the body of Logos. The Macrocosmic Logoic love is GRAVITY: Mother Nature holding us CLOSE.
At #5: The MAIN purpose is to "do it as a group" and EARTHE Higher Will and abundance, AND to earthe Cosmic Mother. Teach enlightenment; help the planet; earthe the City of Light as Earth Point; Show that God is WITHIN, not without (just as Baird Spalding keeps saying in "Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Near East," which I "happen" to be reading now; just as Algernon Blackwood says in ALL his books, which I "happen" to be reading now; just as Teilhard de Chardin says in ALL his books, which I "happen" to be reading now). The Being is rich (magnetic-dynamic); and related to above, at #1: bringing goodness, beauty, and truth ON EARTH, as it IS in Heaven.
At #8: You must EARN power by DEMONSTRATING that you've learned and WHAT you've learned.
At #13: When Russell TALKS of healing, he HEALS. Emphasize the good and REDIRECT misdirection. Russell can't BRING up anything UNTIL one of his students does it BEFORE him! Jon sees THREE staffs: 1) Teaching, 2) Healing, 3) Field. NYC is Mental and linear; Russell is (emotional?/experiential?) and circular. So I label this page 257 and put it before the notes I took on a separate sheet, which will be page 258.
ACTUALISM 257
3/79
ACTUALISM
Please answer the following questions as honestly and clearly as you can. You may find it easier to experience and express where you presently are as a personality if you ask the Being you are to reveal what you need to know by means of your KI and CI---and program yourself to receive the answers with enlightened awareness.
What is your present understanding and/or opinion of:
1. Your Actual design as a Cosmic Being.
2. Your personal relationship to the God-child Creator you are?
3. Your personal relationship to this planet earth and the Planetary Logoic Presence?
4. Your personal relationship to the Cosmic Creation and the Being who creates it?
5. The purpose and goal of Actualism?
6. Your personal relationship to Actualism?
7. The responsibility of Actualism to you?
8. The purpose and goal of a Staff Teacher?
9. Your personal relationship to a Staff Teacher?
10. The responsibility a Staff Teacher has to you?
11. The purpose and goal of Carol Ann and Russell?
12. Your personal relationship to Carol Ann and Russell?
13. The responsibility Carol Ann and Russell have to you?
Now put it all together:
What is your present understanding and/or opinion of your personal purpose and goal in continuing to study what Actualism teaches and what steps are you personally taking or do you propose to take to accomplish your purpose and goal?
ACTUALISM 258
9/20/82
COMMUNICATIONS CLASS OF 9/6 - 2
Being of Light is within, without, and all about all the levels, including archetypal, angelic, and soul, but NOT IN THEM.
For the conference: How are you filling your needs? Are your needs ACTUAL or IMAGES?
Actualism is based on experience; we have the tools to VERIFY the ACTUALITY of it.
If it doesn't feel good, there's an image there.
If it feels good, why there may be an image there, too!
Now four field committees:
1) Outreach: Joan Ann, for lighting intro courses.
2) Social: George Pierson, including ME!
3) Center Support: Elaine Hyams/Eugene Adams/Coordinators and supply-people, with ME!
4) Emergency preparations: Valda Wells
5) Toby Weiss presentation: Bernice Cousins
These two weeks: work with tools, find if there are any questions.
I was VERY activated at the start of the meeting: everyone would come up with grand and lovely answers which I wouldn't EXPERIENCE, and Jon just seemed to go along with them. I contributed the "Teach enlightenment," because I said that's what Bruce said to get me into the work. Jon was impressed. Whenever I added something, he took great care to make me feel appreciated for contributing that, but I still felt that the people were VERY strange in the class, and AGAIN I got the urge to talk to them SINGLY and see what's REALLY going on with them. Do they doubt, deny? I felt better toward the end, knowing that I really had to get RID of all that junk, knowing that I had to have MORE practice sessions or else I WOULD have to go into the healing group, which I DON'T want to do! Now looking forward to the NEXT meeting, which is in less than THREE HOURS FROM NOW!
ACTUALISM 259
9/20/82
NSH SEMINAR OF 9/15
Jon gathers, Gil gives the sheets and comments, and Jon concludes 8:05-9:55.
NOTES:
Field of our lives much larger than our bodies.
Bodyworkers must EMBODY thoughts (good ones, clearly).
Dynamically reach in and magnetically DRAW OUT the Being of Light in EACH body.
Manifestation is the bottom line of what we want to do in EVERY body.
Learn how to touch to communicate your CARE of the person.
Opposing PAIRS of muscles work in BALANCE of magnetic and dynamic systems: use BOTH.
Movements should be powerful, graceful, and fluid.
Project: 1) Are you LEANING, or balanced?
2) Are you OUT OF CONTROL in pull or push?
Learn to use the OPPOSING muscle systems to remain IN BALANCE at all times.
Pattern GOES AROUND the Central Nervous System to FREE the CNS to EXPERIENCE SENSORY AWARENESS.
Lift YOURSELF first, then lift the body you're working on.
Activated during THIS, too; but don't have to say a WORD, so I DON'T!
Marck gives me a VERY bright-eyed hello, I get more notice about the meals, and Susan walks to the subway with me after getting something at a shop. I'm feeling impatient with everyone (except Marck) and her and myself, and just look at it as something I'm going through. Don't really feel GOOD these past few days (see NOTEBOOK 481), and usually feel SOMEWHAT better when I do the sessions regularly. Even start a do-list on 9/15 because I feel there's so much to CATCH UP ON, even though I just sit and read Blackwood for a day to "relax," except that it doesn't have that effect. Want to jerk off a lot, too, but this is now NOTEBOOK stuff!
ACTUALISM 260
9/21/82
#3-48 IE RECOGNIZES HUMAN EGOS IN BODY/ORGANS/CELLS
Jon announces coordinating hours by end of MAY, when we enter 2nd phase 3rd, and says that 25 intros are necessary to get into TEACHER training then.
Images DEFINED as energy-collecting mechanisms.
Mara felt "under the wheel and overwhelmed."
If planetary grief "Passes through" we search OUR worthless identities to find which is RESPONSIBLE for it (and Michael notes that that's very OVERWORTHY of them).
The term "Etherial Web" in esoteric work is the HUMAN.
This session: IE does ego counseling (done in 3-9 in body on 11/21/80) in HUMAN.
If there's a behavior problem, some ego's stuck in a NEEDY or WANTING image.
IE asks "What have your egos LEARNED" and what next do they need HELP with? Give them RESPECT and listen to what they say.
The Human is MORE highly evolved, IN a higher frequency, acts as a BUFFER to PROTECT the creature body, BETWEEN the creature body and higher levels. Well, I just have a hellish time with Jon's CONCRETENESS of "really get into the organs, the brain, the muscles, the skin, the digestive system," so that I actually raise my hand and ask if he's still in the HUMAN, since I'm getting NOTHING and really wonder if I might be mistaken that he's describing all these BODILY functions in the HUMAN! He is, saying I have to try different tacks to open up communication and experience, but he implies I'm DOING, just not SEEING.
At the break I laboriously copy notes, in greatly reordered and corrected and clarified form, which I READ for the report, first, to FINISH with it:
1) My Human structures and functions are USUALLY aligned (particularly in travel) (except in times of clumsiness) (Jon nods, as if in agreement) ("I'm together.")
2) Human FUNCTIONS are IDEALIZED by me in BODYWORK: reports are that my Human functions well, and I BELIEVE them.
3) I FEEL myself (SENSE myself, EMOTION myself, THINK myself) SEPARATE from others, YET I have done LOTS of work (CRIFs, IIs, partner sessions) on my CREATURE magnetic and dynamic, so IF I still feel SEPARATE, it MAY be due to a CLOSER BUFFERING HUMAN (both to higher GOODIES and lower BADDIES!).
4) I idealize Creature FUNCTIONS but IGNORE creature structures (my liver WORKS, I have no idea what its FUNCTIONAL OR STRUCTURAL problems may be)---possibly because I don't FEEL structures (SENSE them, EMOTION them, THINK them). If I treat PHYSICAL structures this way, I may treat HUMAN structures MORE so.
5) Since I have little perception BEYOND body (in PLANET and WORLD chaos), I COULD assume that my idealizing of human structure makes it CLOSED to ME when I ASK of its structures. (And I add the final point after reporting):
6) It's hard for me to differentiate between IE and Human: BOTH are HIGHER.
Reports: JON: The HUMAN body usually works in DREAMS. Creature-human relation lines are good prototypes of person-to-person relationships lines.
Paula: Healing SUPPORT from the Human (isn't that IE?)
Maureen: Resolved GUILT in unloading.
Mara: Loves the human and works with it.
Marilyn talks of matrix and Christ and demands and Cosmic Mother Human touch.
Barbara: loaded and underwater, relieved some.
Michael: new potential felt in human.
Meg: Her human egos demonstrated for her.
Dorothy: recalled childhood things---got power-filled.
Margaret: Worked out a lot, got aligned.
Bill: enjoyed revivalistic and adjusted a lot; mentioned VELVETY (like Maureen & Lucretia)
Lucretia: Her cells are happy!
I took notes of my "pan-disgust" feelings (see NOTEBOOK 482).
Notes on assignment: this was through matrix seat and human body, organs, and cells.
NEXT TIME will be Molecular, Atom, and Subatomic. CM for FORGIVING and COMFORTING systems.
Do this (matrix, body, organs, and cells) with human/ creature/ perceptual/ emotional/ mental.
Tools: simple power ray and one energy, for the egos to earthe the QUALITY of energies.
Gather; Copilot go to chosen level with IE, and to matrix seat and ego. IE steps back and says "Show us what you learned" and demonstrate MATRIX learning. Then the egos (called to seat) return to units and unify with them and hear problems. After the cell level, examine all the egos at that level (H/C/P/E/M), with IE expanded to FULL body size and unified with them (ALL egos of cells/ organs/ body).
Jon's off Tuesday and Wednesday.
ACTUALISM 262
10/7/82
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #10 OF 9/24/82
The final statement for this was "All enlightened identities say: Let the power of the many truths of each identity free every identity from the counter will that inflicts discomfort, disease, and death upon the structures and functions of our beloved body and mind in which we all live together." What a pity it was two weeks ago, because it was SUCH a heart-felt experience, and it felt so GOOD to cry and feel the happiness well up through me: I AM a worthwhile person, I AM lucky to be involved in something as error-free as Actualism, I AM making progress by sloughing off old ways of thinking and acting. At one point he (Jon) said he saw a great shell lift off some upper portions of some body, and he said there was a lot of clearing and cleansing done. I paid my $97.50 for the three hours from 1 to 4 and had lunch in the rib restaurant and sat around watching people until Avi answered the phone and then I went to the Beacon. An interesting coincidence in that in the session I thought "I'd even like SINGING now," and in the Beacon they had "follow-the-bouncing-ball" type community SINGING. (What a pity I'd SEEN the movie, not AGAIN bothering to look in my list to see if I'd seen it, no MATTER that it seemed rare and obscure.) But I felt in the session that levels of understanding and freedom WERE opening up, that I WAS making progress, that I was keeping myself in chains of some sort but was now in the process of breaking them and stepping out larger and wholer. I mentioned, as I usually did, that the sensations and reactions were so strong toward the END of a series such as this that I wondered if any of the earlier sessions did anything at ALL by comparison. Jon read more from his reader-writer who talked of terrorists time before last, the Mafia last time, and the suicidal this time---I even felt that I should shave off my beard and work into the new soft contact lenses to let people SEE my face, come from BEHIND the barriers I've erected, and even demanded from him an appointment to talk about more SEXUAL freedom. Could some of my impatience with myself the last few weeks be the result of acting more or less the SAME after I'd been shown that I could do ANYTHING I wanted with GREAT freedom and love and expectancy? I so easily slip back into "well, maybe---"
ACTUALISM 263
10/7/82
#3-49: AT HUMAN, IE RECOGNIZES MOLECULAR, ATOMIC, & SUBATOMIC
I took notes, not having AS BAD a time as before, but still getting nothing: Paid $10 cash for "Power Places" for Wednesday, Jon said to "go with tools blazing." Katy's lecture dates are 10/28 or 10/30 at 7 pm, and I find to sign for 10/28. Egos stuck in non-socially-acceptable sadness or worthless or anger or rage get SUPPRESSED ("I'll deal with it in 4th advanced")---and run and HIDE. If you RESCUE them and LOVE AND RESPECT them, these emotions will be RECOGNIZED and HANDLED. MANY tensions due to ACCEPTING others' low frequency as YOURS. DON'T DO THIS.
NEXT, don't identify with the low frequency of others.
Sympathize with the PERSON, not with the CONDITION. LOVE AND RESPECT THE PERSON (MOM!)
"Look, isn't it about time we traded grief for JOY?"
Tonight: at Human: molecular, atomic, and subatomic levels.
"Lift out the low frequency that DESENSITIZES us so that we need stronger and stronger IMPACTS to REGISTER pleasure."
Session spent FACING Ill-Will and COMPETITIVENESS in me: I always want to COME OUT ON TOP and BE THE BEST, and part of my frustration with Actualism is that people like Amy and others actually appear to be better at it than I AM, so I can't hope to "overtake them" or "surpass them." I have to struggle to KEEP UP WITH THEM, and that might remind me of Columbia, which I hated so much and finally dropped out of, having done not well at all.
I SHOULD TRY TO DELEGATE THE FUNCTIONS OF NUMBER AWAY FROM QUALITATIVE (as in FIRST, SECOND, and THIRD) to QUANTITATIVE MERELY (just one, two, and three). "Do it," I tell myself. "DO the session and GET it." (and I haven't done ANY of the sessions since the class!)
Jon: Each ego has its own prana, own selfness, its own YOU.
IE brings them in TO GIVE THEM an experience of the Being of Light.
But I still raced away from the class so as not so spread around my feeling of being out of it and worthless. I keep hoping that Jon and Chrystal and the other teachers can SEE if I'm not doing well, and it ALMOST should be said that I'm almost EXPECTING to be told I'm not up to snuff and have to drop into a healing group, which I'd hate---if only Amy were RIGHT that NYC is so heavy and the group is so oddball and I'm not REALLY that far "out of it."
ACTUALISM 264
10/7/82
DR. TOBY WEISS ON POWER CENTERS OF EARTH'S BODY 10/6/82
There are two types of power places; CREATED like Pyramids; NATURE like Alps. "We incarnated on this planet to help it evolve. Become more aware of our union with Planetary Consciousness."
PYRAMIDS: the GREAT Pyramid (built in 10,000 BC by descendants of Atlanteans).
Sphinx shelters immortals from OTHER planets. Between the paws: a point of timelessness in the HEART of time. The Sakkara Pyramid: stronger than Cheops.
TEMPLE OF LUXOR: represents human body. Living halls of learning. "Checking out" for initiation in King's chamber in Cheops and in Temple of Luxor (and Parthenon).
This was a "project of the then-school of Actualism." But he didn't say the NAME of it.
Energy of Perfection in Hathor's Temple on Hatshepsut's Tomb in Dier el Bahri.
Library of Alexandria under Pompey's Statue IS there. It's now an ANGELIC library (the eastern one is in Tibet).
NOTRE DAME IN PARIS. REIMS CATHEDRAL, and the nearby Tau Museum has the TALISMAN OF CHARLEMAGNE (a star sapphire with a cross of the True Cross).
ST. PAUL'S in London (Artisans from PERSIA imported by Charlemagne in the 800's.)
TAJ MAHAL in Agra. (NOT a being in Chartres; he's not BEEN to Rouen or Narbonne.)
UPPER DHARMASALA is "Tibet" (it's to the north of the lower). He liked Pahalgam.
Dalai Lama: "Pain medication on dying CLOUDS MIND when it's being REBORN."
Zululand: form of Umfolozi River---tree said "I AM ZULU, THE POWER OF ZULU." (near dry creek bed).
The MAIN point in Africa is at Victoria Falls, but he wasn't there.
African gods are ordinary IMMORTALS, they didn't like his not respecting them as gods. He kept talking with the chief spirits and getting special tools from them: FAUGH!
ALL OF GREECE: Mt. Olympus. Greek Gods are angels or archetypal bodies.
Larissa---ashes of Hippocrates. Temple of Zeus in Athens IS a Temple of Wisdom---angelic library---NO BEINGS BELOW ANGELIC in Greece for ages now.
Parthenon is wisdom, too, with devas at the palace of Athena Nike, at the Erectheum, and at the Parthenon. THREE power spots. Parthenon = Temple of Beauty.
ELEUSIS (15 miles out of Athens) The Secret; "The SIMPLICITY in the heart of being."
This is a big RELIEF from care and worry, even the worry about DEATH.
CRETE: Knossos at the top of a stairway; secondary at throne of Minos.
Disk of Phaestus talks of Minoan MYSTERY.
SAMARIAN GORGE (Grand Canyon of Europe); throne of Zeus in west Crete.
Yosemite, too, is surrounded by beings of light.
Santorini mentioned; "Busy on the soul level" balancing magnetic and dynamic for PLANET in Akrotiri.
Delos: body of island is body of Archetypal body of APOLLO. Artemis stands VERTICALLY at the central peak, so the HEAD OF APOLLO RESTS ON THE HEART OF ARTEMIS.
Temple of Isis in Delos is high frequency there; though every high-frequency concentration has low-frequency concentrations around it, dark forces attacking it.
Valeria Beach of Skiathos has an UNDERWATER deva.
MONT BLANC in Alps---HEALING deva for MILES around---centered in Chamonix.
ZERMATT for the Matterhorn an earthing point of WILL for the planet.
Gornergrat near the Monte Rosa HEALING deva.
Weishorn mountain is a PROTECTIVE deva.
To Kandersteg for the Biermountain, and to Wengen for the Jungfrau.
The Eiger is high frequency, and the HIGHEST NORTHERN mountain of the Alps.
Trummelback falls in seven levels from three glaciers: deva of PURIFICATION.
Grand Canyon, Yosemite, and Grand Tetons are power places in the USA.
Malaysia has a city of light north of Kwanton (three hours north of Singapore).
Cheops is the STRONGEST he's been to (though note previous "Sakkara stronger than Cheops").
"One day at a power spot is worth 2000 days in meditation."
I liked NOT AT ALL his constant shifting from "everyone talks to Zeus everyday, of course" and laughing to "got powerful tools from X and Y and Z."
I thought of his spiel as a sales talk, nothing more, not bothering to tell us that HE'S going along for nothing, yet cajoling by saying that if enough go along, CAROL ANN can go along too! Nor did I like his slides with HIMSELF smiling his smug smile in the center of all of them---now I know why MINE are so successful! Left THIS one as soon as possible, too, and got away before anyone could ask me how I liked it. Really activated me TERRIBLY and thought of him as an AWFUL person to spend any amount of time with.
ACTUALISM 266
10/12/82
CONFERENCE WITH JON OF 10/9/82
We agree right off that I'm heading for field staff, and he announces that news has just come from the West Coast that the Communications Section has been REMOVED from third advanced: teaching staff should get an equivalent course OUTSIDE the school! He said that certain energies and techniques should probably be restored somewhere, but he said that we'd thus be going into field staff training AT THE BEGINNING OF JANUARY! Then he says that I'm holding my own, but that some of the people in the class might have to go into healing programs and wouldn't be continuing at this time: he said that work now would DEPEND on everyone getting everything immediately: "If you reported that you weren't getting anything for four classes, we'd be in serious trouble." We talked about everyone's need for a "buddy" to talk with, and he rather agreed I'd be put out trying to find someone like that in my class, which was obviously put together to present the EXTREMES of individualism and behavior patterns. He also said that about 13 of the advanced students were looking for jobs, which might not be bad out of ALL the students, but they were having particular problems (and even HE thinks twice before spending $40 for a meal!). But he thought I'd have no trouble continuing, even though it was sometimes desirable to "rotate through third advanced again." He said I was keeping up well with my outside work, that I had six more cranials to go, which he could SEE who he'd schedule me with: either Lois or Bruce or even himself. He'd also schedule me for sexual discussions, seeing that "I could make myself invisible if I wanted to," and I rather wondered what HE was referring to. He said he rather suspected that my human was nicely aligned, and that even my PERCEPTUAL was functioning all right, it was just my BRAIN-MIND, operating out of fixed perspectives of denial and impossibility ("Even I say that some of the things that Russell says are too far out, but I saw what Toby was going to say before he said it, so I can VERIFY it---AND he used to be one of these "I don't see anything" types of people, so now he might see OVERMUCH.") So it was a positive session, and we hugged stiffly, and I paid my $35.
ACTUALISM 267
10/24/82
#3-50 "HERE-NOW REBIRTH" OF 10/18
Jon singles me out to announce that the first class in January is now the 10th, giving me an extra week, and he talks about the dinner on Thursday, and says something ELSE to point me out, until Lucretia looks over at me in some sort of amazement, and I feel very special. Then he tells us the title of the session (and everyone gasps), and we get into Personal Freeing Intelligence, which I find VERY powerful, and when the tape comes on and we simple use the same pattern of the 4-8-6 but with a clockwise-spinning cylinder of the Rod and Staff---and at the end I get the courage to say "Rod I know, but WHAT is the staff, but what happened to the swords," and Jon says "Good question," and says that the swords were the first four power rays we got, so that the staff is only the power rays comprising the Diamond Continuity Axis which we can light individually or totally and expand them out from our always-existing Vertical Axis. When he rises up to Angelic, he talks about the joy in the Four-Square City when we rise up to do our work, and my brain boggles at this and asks WHY on earth (wrong place?) WE would get such attention, and how would it HAPPEN, and I get a MENTAL PICTURE (so rare, as I report about it) of this fabulous cloud-formed city with SILVER BUBBLES rising like elevators with various classes in it, and everyone gathering around the elevators with joy and good will to welcome them to their level for however brief a time. I'm getting into the flavor of working at subatomic when I get ANOTHER image, this one VERY strong: of an enormously muscled, perfectly proportioned horse-man-like creature, with legs as shapely as men's legs but ending in hooves, with a torso the muscular conformation of a horse's front body (as from the Clydesdale film), and a somewhat flattened horse's muzzle into almost a beautiful boxer's or wrestler's face, with long white flowing mane or head-hair which is being tossed back and forth, mostly streaming upward with a gentle motion that makes me think that the hair might be on fire, as the creature paces or paws the unseen ground and flexes his body back and forth in a kind of exultant dance, reminding me of the image in "Darkness and the Light" where these incomprehensibly huge giants are self-luminously dancing in the darkness out of which the snowflakes of the galaxies fall onto their dancing grounds. I report this image of the horse-man with such exultation that I can hear joyous intakes of breath all around me, and when I described it yesterday to Dennis, he gasped, "Quite a picture." I felt tears of joy running down my face, and felt great resonance from THIS when I read a few days later in Anne Gage's "The One Work" (p. 18): "A reservoir burst somewhere within; tears flow; tears that are the defense of the soul against the inrushing of Spirit, that prevent it from burning in the fire of experience." I also report how immediate the CHANGE can be from tears of unquestioning joy to those of self-pity and sorrow at the state of being in general. Jon says that this was the session (recorded in 1977) that Carol Ann later developed into the Time Tunnel, and that we could bring up anything from the past or future that we wanted to and cleanse it in the powerful rays from the spinning cylinder. We were urged to sit in it which we reported at the end, and I felt the good parts of the class coming and going. It was so heartening to report this session to Jon, since he'd said that they were important ones (this was another of those that I felt could be ALL of Actualism and it would be worth the time and money and effort and progress toward), and he said there wouldn't be an intensive on this because our schedule was now locked in until the first class in January, which was to be our initiation into a new phase. He wanted to see me after class to say that Anne Beier had reported very favorably on my bodywork and that I COULD combine into a combo around the first of January even if DIDN'T get to 50, which of course made me feel great love and gratitude toward him AND made me resolve to get to the 50 level before taking the next combo T&R. Paula mentioned that things happened to them BEFORE they got to the 200-people intro in Pennsylvania, and I THINK I described the flat tires with enough lightness that no one put the power of darkness into them. But it was a GREAT class, one of those I should return to in the "dumb down" classes when I think there's nothing to be gotten and nothing behind Actualism at all.
ACTUALISM 269
10/24/82
GAY MEN'S SEMINAR #5 OF 10/23
I get in at 7:05 and Bruce takes a shot at me by saying "We've agreed to be on time." I didn't hear the "report question" and when he says "What you worked on since last time" I can only come up with a clearer realization that I don't know what MECHANISM to use in meeting someone, that I'm shy and don't know how to start a conversation even in NONSEXUAL situations, and that I feel closed down and don't want to be. Remark that I wasn't particularly activated for the meeting. "What you just said sounds like activation," "But I've been doing that for the past few months." There's a new guy in class who sort of "livens up the feelings" in the group (see ACTUALISM 271), who activates me by talking about his "nonspecific anal infection" and recurrence of herpes this morning; George annoys me by talking about fidelity, Arthur REALLY pisses me off by talking about "inverted sex" as if that were all there was, and Bruce brings up the topic of the evening: why current relationships go sour, and I have to quickly dismiss the idea that he's saying I have to get back INTO the relationship with Dennis. Gene irks me, and finally everyone talks so that when it gets to me the second time I blurt out "If I wasn't activated before I sure am NOW, and I'm astounded at the ENORMOUS ANGER that's come out because of what everyone's SAID" (and I can hear smiling pleased murmurs from around the room), and I pause and come up with "And I can feel the anger against MYSELF so strongly, that I put aside large chunks of me that I'm disappointed with, as I put aside the people that I've had long-term relationships with, also disappointed" and after a few more people have their say, I say "AND I think there's STILL the possibility of a TOTALLY LIGHTED, going-to-the-end-of-potential, right-for-here-and-now relationship THAT ONLY LASTS AN HOUR." Bruce retorts flatteningly that "My problem on wanting an enlightened one-hour relationship, even IN a "permanent" relationship, has been going on for years, and is a political issue that we can't deal with now." I'm seething because I see the POLITICS involved as ACTUALISM'S shortsightedness in not admitting the possibility of anything outside their rather uninvestigated narrow range of "normal" sexuality. When the break's called at 8 I sit numbly for a second and then feel David's hand on my back! He says something and I say something and begin to think there might be some possibility here! Then I write the following note on cards that I get at the break: "My problem on wanting an "enlightened one-hour relationship" (even IN a "permanent" relationship) has been "going on for years" and has been a "political issue that we can't deal with now." At least (before that) I'd gotten in touch with the HATE-RAGE-KILL type anger by LOOKING at how I PUT aside people (John V and Dennis) that disappointed me AND parts of me that "didn't work" (writer, sex writer, physicist, intro teacher). THEN Bruce said "You have to talk about that with Jon" and went on to imply I was trying to "floor" the group after an hour of reports. "I wasn't thinking of doing anything other than reporting." Gene said HE thought it was possible too, which I told Bruce, and he said maybe we SHOULD spend a whole evening on it sometime. I'm ENRAGED and write this at the end of the 8:15 break. (Admittedly, at the END of the class he said "Maybe there's the POSSIBILITY of that, but you shouldn't be LOOKING for that," he confessed, which I thought was VERY decent of him (but didn't say as much), and then said that during the session I realized how it could be looked at TWO ways, I was saying that IT COULD HAPPEN, while he seemed to be saying IT WASN'T THE PREFERRED THING, and I think we could both agree on THAT. Worked with the dynamite combination of Regenerative and Higher Will, forming two suns and working the same pattern with them, though at the end adding a linking from prostate to testicles to penis to testicles to prostate that felt good. Reported a softening of some rigid points of view, based on whether the supposedly constant food smell smelled GOOD or BAD, depending on what I was thinking and how I was feeling. If a SMELL can be so subjective, depending on point of view (I seemed to be avoiding his term "fixed perspective," which I felt he was digging with "or pet activation" for MY purpose, though I softened in THAT, too). Then he suggested brushdowns, I thought David, and he quickly turned to me and paired me off. Notes taken during and afterward: What you UNIFY with, you CHANNEL; SEPARATISM!
Not "right," not "wrong," just look at it all PLAYFULLY. George Hudacko: Activation is a cry for help. BZ: Don't be so SERIOUS, be more PLAYFUL. Gene Adams: Interrelating doesn't mean "becoming like."
ACTUALISM 271
10/24/82
DAVID
I'd thought of writing this in the form of a letter to Chrystal, but that would be utterly premature (not that the rest of this won't be!). Noticed a new person in class, but then his report of his infected ass turned me off. But then during the break he patted my back and started a conversation with me, which I continued gratefully, and then we picked each other for the brushdown, and he was rather brusque with me, but I went slower and more lovingly with him, and he remarked something about the loving quality in my hands, so I quickly stepped in and said I was pushing my oil and vibrator sessions, so he asked for my phone number and I gave it, then pushed out of the class, thinking he'd complemented me when he brushed down my legs and observed, "Hm, TIGHT legs." But then as I was racing away, he called after me, saying that he figured we were going for the same subway, and said that he'd taken about three years for Basic, having taken through Basic #5 with Bruce Jaffe (much improved, he says) here in 1976, when Michael Blackburn formed a group of Rolfers; David'd come down from Boston for conferences and they all had classes then. Then he'd be in San Francisco, and was now living on West 95th. He charges $65 for a Rolfing session, but I fantasized that I might have a few more of them with HIM, if he has body sessions with me, and my mind wanders into affection and love between the two of us on SUCH a brief encounter! We talk earnestly on the subway platform, he noting that New Yorkers speak from the MIND about what they felt, unlike the West Coasters, and I notice how smooth his skin is, how intense his blue eyes are, and wonder about his brushing my hair down over my forehead as he started brushing me down, and I matter-of-factly placed my hands fully on his balding head, so that wouldn't be anything "unfelt." Our hug was a bit stronger than called for, though Bruce and I hugged equally hard. We called out that we'd see each other soon: he's in Alex Dolcemascolo's class, they're just going to be initiated into Second on Tuesday. So I get home and fantasy a long and loving relationship, though reminding myself that HE is in a dying one, too, and debating whether to hold onto it or to let it go---for something better? Me? At his session he's 39, hugs nice, and has RESUMED his old affair!!
ACTUALISM 272
11/3/82
MINERAL ANALYSIS WORKSHOP SEMINAR WITH KATY DUSENBERG OF 10/28
We look at cell-level assimilation as focus. Example of malfunction is the hyperactive child. Genetic PREDISPOSITION can be eased by environment. NYC water is high in copper, which causes NERVOUSNESS, which may explain HYPER-NYCisms. Megavitamin therapy may SUBSTITUTE for the absence of a PRECISE enzyme, and she gives an AWFUL simile of dozens of Chinese delivery boys finally getting the door to the room open even though the tenant doesn't UNDERSTAND Chinese.
Vitamin D considered almost a HORMONE.
Mankind evolved eating COMPLEX (natural) carbohydrates, but in the last 30-90 years we get so many SIMPLE (processed) carbohydrates our genetic makeup can't handle them and we get hypoglycemia, which brings cardiovascular disease.
I really can't say I like HER (she's too skittery, not developed enough, doesn't seem to have enough SOLID KNOWLEDGE, more like a witch doctor hoping for more hits than misses), and didn't care for the SESSION, which didn't seem very planned and "enlightened," even though she invoked the energies many times IN the session, and Barbara Lea was impressed that she used "receptor binding" in an explanation, something we seldom hear in "real life," outside our medical books. I'm not that impressed, but am willing to go along with HER prescriptions until something better comes along.
NOTES (CONTINUED): 80% are slow oxidizers, need Pritikin diet, need B vitamins, don't need A; they tire, stress out, are paranoid. 20% are FAST oxidizers, need Atkins diet, don't need B, NEED A, lots of energy, can be DEPRESSED.
LIGHT YOUR SUPPLEMENTS; magnetic left hand to check where and how they'll affect you.
ASK CELLS TO ASSIMILATE THE ESSENCE OF THE FOOD, to get 100% efficiency from food.
Blood will strive to keep within narrow ranges, and fluctuate AM and PM, so hair is LONG-TERM storage, painless, and body throws off toxins through it.
Last: BE TOLERANT OF WHAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH. USE LOVE AND LIGHT WITH "WHAT IS."
Eat sprouts and veggies. Out at 9:20
That DAY, with Katy INDIVIDUALLY, I typed these notes: colonics are good for LETTING GO! SPROUTS are good for anti-cholesterol. KAL: MAX-EPA is fish oil that's ALSO good for anti-cholesterol. Amino acids needed if you avoid meals and need energy. Yogurt and honey are GOOD to eat. For colds, take double and triple zinc per day, and as much as 100,000 units of A per day.
ACTUALISM 273
11/3/82
#4-51 REVIEW SESSION OF 11/1
Took lots of notes, because it seemed SUCH a brain-mind evening!
JT: For the past month we MAY have taken personally all the HEALING, DEATH, and DISEASE that's been up in the school and on earth, particularly full-moon tonight.
This is a REVIEW SESSION and the next two will be REVIEW BOARD sessions, and then on December 13 will be our INITIATION into the next phase of Third!
This is for overall EARTHING.
God is MACROCOSMIC Creator, Presence is MICROCOSMIC creator.
Wisdom (on basic sheet) is called SUBJECTIVE CREATIVE: "Idea out of the blue!"
1) Knowing intelligence: CF, WIS, OBJ CRE: really GO into Magnetic and dynamic and harmonize.
First phase Third: brings Enlightened Personality, the earthing of changes FROM the consciousness INTO the behavior of the personality.
"Assimilate essence" means YOU LEARN FROM IT.
Having PROJECTS that CHANGE your life; that's one of the tactics of third.
You're FRIENDLY with people with the SAME images; we DISLIKE OPPOSITES who CALL us on our own images! Third: FIND your belief systems and CHALLENGE them with the Teacher Within.
When EGOS ARE RELEASED from images, they "find themselves" far from their units' organizing center, so when you WITHDRAW IDENTITY of a unit from an image, put the ego into the TRUE ORGANIZING CENTER of its unit.
Behavior behind saying "I love you" MAY BE "I hate your guts."
Project requires a TIME FRAME for change. What Jon calls the Room of Truth, Chrystal called the Treasure Room, so the FIRST is the Room of Knowledge, "Thought directs energy," which starts as a BELIEF, for example. Then, if you choose, you can bring it into the Project or TESTING Room, where you select a belief to WORK on, and TEST it with Knowing Intelligence, and even say HOW MANY VERIFICATIONS you'll need over WHAT PERIOD OF TIME, to then move it into the third room, the Treasury Room, where you KNOW it works, and you KNOW THAT YOU KNOW. Essence is a TREASURE; these rooms have LOCATIONS.
For your HEART to affect your BRAIN, the brain must be in the FIELD OF THE HEART.
Field behavior is BOTH magnetic (what "happens to you") and dynamic (what you DO), and how you use the Wisdom challenge against FEAR.
Objective and subjective creative energies used for finding a project.
WE CAN NOW LIVE AND USE OUR TOOLS AS WE LIKE THEM.
2) Creative Intelligence: C5: rod of power out; C6 and arms and front and back. THE one for magnetic and dynamic. "Light all the centers" means light ALL the power rays there, HOME energy dominant. Light this for ANYTHING you do with your hands. Use for pelvic work and for body work. Also for balance; to move OUT of fixed perspectives, and to pull yourself out of thought/desire FANTASIES. Perfect for giving and receiving; supply and demand, for getting in touch with the Creator within.
3) Healing Intelligence: C7, with 6 subs, 4 edges, two breasts; C8 with 4; C10 with Regenerative and Radiant Warrior, with two plexus subcenters. FEELING state: mellow. Bodywork and healing fatigue and aches. For DIGESTION and ALL aspects of health. Healing relationship lines with OTHERS. Light supplements with it. Good for relationships with MECHANICAL objects. PHYSICIAN within. Heal Separative systems; healing for country-country lines. If an ORGAN is sick it needs HEALING before it can LEARN, to pull it out of worthless. For next week, see where you've NEGLECTED work. Get 2 or 3 projects NOW.
Tune in to Teacher-Knower and IE to find them. WAYS OF HEALING: HOLD ORGAN AND
1) Do 4-8-6 session;
2) Balance M & D and field IDs
3) Bring sun to organizing center of unit and expand field size and PROCESS.
4) Fire breath
5) Lifebelts with DOMINANT sun.
6) Use an intelligence and ANOTHER POWER RAY and investigate the COMBINATIONS of these. Still work in ONE intelligence/day---CAN use these with a double sigil, too. Union with Review Board on November 8 and 29; Initiation on December 13.
I leave feeling pretty GOOD, and Jon again singles me out to ask if I could come in some Tuesday during the day, when he might be able to squeeze me into a conference that I wanted, even though he has no more slots free, and I seem to have gotten the ONLY T&R slot with Gil in December through Barbara's news.
ACTUALISM 275
11/22/82
#3-52 MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL REVIEW BOARD OF 11/8
NOTES: ENTIRELY MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL BOARD: VERY evolved members of Hierarchy who MIRROR our IMMORTAL'S aspects to us. their mental and emotional copilot forms walk into room, and OUR copilots harmonize with the 5 or 7 of them. "But this Brain-Mind information leads only to concepts: experience and FEEL. You can 1) Verbally strike up Q&A with them, 2) MIRROR a state of consciousness for them. They refine our magnetic and dynamic behavior, so work with BOTH with them. This is like a T&R on your life. CSO: Life is bringing ACTUALITY into REALITY. COUNTER-EVOLUTIONARY are all the AWFUL "what if's." EVOLUTION is to earthe Truth, Beauty, and Love!
Review Board: what do we need to do NOW.
If you LISTEN to their clues, you LEARN EASIER.
Be SPECIFIC in questions to Review Board to move ahead.
"Expand Center 9 Copilot Control Room."
Q1: Where have you GOTTEN in Third Advanced?
Q2) What could you ACTUALLY be with the tools you have NOW?
Q3) What duties, responsibilities, and ESSENCE do you have from life?
Q4) What SPECIFICALLY stands between you and accomplishment? JUDGMENTALISM; I need HONESTY! Not to PUSH so much, but not to be afraid, is what I note down, don't be afraid to WANT!
Q5) What is the next step in the teaching/healing/field training?
Q6) What BLOCK is between you and what you need to be?
On the EMOTIONAL LEVEL, ALL I got was LOVE, LOVE, LOVE (and Michael sobbed and Mara said it was just "Love" for her, and Jon said it was a dynamite session).
Review Boards WILL be in during the next three weeks, so ask them questions.
BRING IT THROUGH IN ALL YOU DO.
I didn't get that I was to be delayed, but in next day's conference (see ACTUALISM 276), Jon said I might have to go into the healing program, depending on what the Review Board said on three week's Perceptual and Human levels. I felt like hugging everyone after the session, and getting softer in my relationships with them, but I actually did nothing about it, just left in a rush. Sadly, to date, I haven't done many of the sessions to try to SWING the Review Board into letting me continue with the class work, though I find I need the PEOPLE!
ACTUALISM 276
11/22/82
CONFERENCE WITH JON OF 11/9
I make some notes about what I WANT to talk about, but we don't follow them. I end up "filling him in" on all the arguments, and he "filled me in" on all the counter-arguments, and he said it seemed like I HAVEN'T changed much in my attitudes, and though he seems to be CHANGED by my suggestion that if we don't get right into bed we run the danger of becoming "sisters," he isn't about to give me more freedom sexually, saying that I can't scatter myself around if I want something DIRECTED. We talk a long time about my mother, saying that she closes me down and just "happens" to be in town this week, and he said I have STILL to introduce various magnetic identities to some dynamic identities so there can be more unity between what I FEEL and what I WANT. Later, when dealing with Mom and I sort of take my energy away from her and she becomes more harmless, I think again of THOUGHT DIRECTS ENERGY and it seems so CLEAR that I can't let my energy go out to EVERY nice crotch, or face, or arms, or chest, or ass, or legs, or jeans, or hair, or eyes, to lips that I see, and still expect to direct energy into THE COMING relationship. Even today (22nd) I jerk off twice with great feeling, which feels good at THE TIME, but then I feel drained and energy-less for the REST of the activities of the day, and AGAIN come into the realization that ENERGY FOLLOWS THOUGHT, and if my energy is on those porno pictures and slides and movies, I won't have enough left to do what I want to do in a constructive way. So it's a lot of the same things in the conversation and a lot of different things afterward, which I want to communicate to Jon (maybe at coordinating tomorrow night?) before class so that I can tell him that the conference DID have good results, and that maybe I CAN be allowed to continue the progress with letting and hearing that I've begun in the classes to date. Though my current life is in somewhat a mess, see NOTEBOOK 488.
ACTUALISM 277
12/1/82
#3-53 PERCEPTUAL AND HUMAN REVIEW BOARD OF 11/29
Jon tells us to fill in the orange book with the bodywork that WE do on students.
JT: With power comes accountability for communication and TEACHING Actualism tenets. On the Perceptual level, when Jon asks "What to get rid of, to further my progress," I get "CAN'T FILL A FULL CUP" and "I'm too well defended---I need more VULNERABILITY." I'm the last to report, and some are VERY long with detailed answers to each question, and I give a BRIEF report and he adds that means I'm too DYNAMIC and don't exercise my MAGNETIC to get anything in. I guess I ORGANIZE OK but don't RECEIVE with equal ease.
JT: If someone's pushing your button, YOU'RE pushing BACK AT THAT BUTTON. Bill Parham comes up with a nice "Believing is seeing" as well as Seeing is believing.
JT: "No magnetic, YOU fill your perceptual with YOUR dynamic" (paraphrased above).
JT: You trot out the bits of your personality you're most FAMILIAR with, that you've HAD the longest, that you've ADVANCED WITH the least. GREAT. So rather than working on ARROGANCE, go directly to the underlying WORTHLESS. As you EVOLVE, guidelines CHANGE (and in school, too). The more power, advance, and privilege you get, the more responsibility and accountability you have. For your NEXT STEP, it's all HERE---you don't have to DO ANYTHING for it.
It's always obvious to all but US. DRESS MORE FORMALLY FOR INITIATION.
Field staff is INTERACTING AND OUTREACH WITH PLANET---to earthe vertical horizontally. On Human, I report first, saying that I got good feelings from BODYWORK, but that I need more and need to give more, and Dorothy Hunter and I agree to exchange.
Teaching staff is teaching the tools to initiates.
In June 1983, Fourth Advanced FIELD will be added to teaching, and in the future there's possibility of adding 4th work in healing arts, as Lois already is.
Second phase Third Advanced is 8 sessions in 16 weeks, 4 separate for field and teaching. AFTER Second phase Third, We're then OFFICIALLY in field staff. I wanna be THERE. Third phase Third Advanced is LESS than first phase 3rd; not QUITE two years. Prep to Fourth is a minimum of three years. JT: Fourth goes on and on "as far as I can tell---I've had some experience of Fifth; Russell's in Fifth." "My wave has a WAY to go to get into Fifth, I've been in 4th for 9 years, in the work for 12 years, but lots of what you're doing NOW in THIRD we didn't even GET to till we were in Fourth. The Copilot work is a later addition, the IF's came in after he got into Fourth, and the II's are recent, and the NEW stuff that Russell and Carol Ann are doing is just GREAT."
Carol Ann is coming in September or October of 1983.
"Blowing it" is here too, and there's essence in THAT, too!
I ask afterward if I can come to initiation: he says he's 1) a culmination of what's come before, so ALL might attend, and also it's 2) a beginning of the next step, so all might not be qualified for it; he'll assume we can COME unless he gets a definite message (from Carol Ann?) that we CAN'T. He asked me about my epic randomness, and I said that I was NOW much more aware that ENERGY FOLLOWS THOUGHT, and can see how I've been empowering a possible RANDOM encounter by giving thought to that, but NOT giving thought to Chrystal's work in setting up something for me on the Immortal level. I said that I'd made a mistake in coming to him to have the guidelines BROADENED because I realized I was STILL too broad, and had to be more concentrated if I wanted GOOD, rather than random, results. I argued back and forth, and as it got beyond 11 pm and Meg was waiting for him for accounting purposes, he got flustered (having said he liked my brief report and felt like going across the room to Marilyn Gutin and saying "Please, come to the bottom line!") and said that I should WRITE IT ALL OUT and give it to him next time I'm in center. Susan said, the next night, that telling him it would be CONVENIENT or EXPEDIENT to keep me in class because he doesn't have enough slots for healing would NEVER work with him, "It's what's actual that matters," she said with a slight smirk. I don't feel like writing it up QUITE yet, since I won't be in center again until coordinating on the 8th. He'll probably have to think it over and discuss it with Carol Ann, whom he said laid down GENERAL guidelines for continuation with the group, but only a FEW points addressed to me in specific. But I guess at least I go to the 12/13 meeting??
ACTUALISM 279
12/10/82
December 10, 1982
TO: Jon Terrell
FROM: Bob Zolnerzak
As requested in our talk after class on November 29, here's a summary of where I stand on pelvic matters. One turning point was my actual KNOWING that my random pelvic desires were taking MORE of my energy ("energy sure does follow thought") then I could afford to spare, AND I wasn't devoting much energy toward finding the relationship that Chrystal and I initiated way back in February, 1981---almost two years ago! Suddenly it seemed that my randomness was such a WASTE, and that I was wasting TIME by not channeling my energy into that core relationship.
I wish I could report an instant re-diversion of energy: I can't. But I find that the question "OK, Bob, what do you REALLY want?" is more and more answered by "something stable, something growing," rather than by "gee, that looks good, wish I could hop into bed with it."
I feel there must be a combination of honesty, vulnerability, and good sense that would be far more effective in establishing relationships than poses, rigidity, and pelvic randomness. "By coincidence" the past week has brought two Actualism students back into contact with me, AND in a way that leads me to hope of a growing relationship with some possibility of a deep friendship over time, which just might include sexual components. I can't say that it's EASY for me to be patient, but I can sense a long, slow, growing-together process that would be so DIFFERENT for me as to actually begin to seem like an ADVENTURE: a relationship without idealized images on either side, without the "all or nothing" intensity of a quickie, but with an actual BROAD BASE which previous relationships may have lacked. This isn't what I would have written to summarize my position on November 29; this isn't what I thought about writing on five or six evenings since then. But it's as close as I can pin down an ever-changing sense of slow progress.
ACTUALISM 280
1/29/83
NOTES FROM 12/11/82
Coincidentally (?) after my letter to Jon, I write these notes at 7:45 am the next day:
1) Dream of me and three guys in a room, two lovers "playing" at sex, other desired by me but only teasing. I later confront one who I accuse of "playing a role of soldier and child." It seems to lead to what thoughts follow at 7:20-7:45:
2) SCATTER produces a BROAD but FUZZY person; GATHERING produces a NARROW but DEEP and INTENSE and CONCENTRATED person. Even in teachers: Bruce Jaffe has "got it all together"; Rebekah as sexpot; Alice as "hale and hearty"; Lois as "great old gal"; Chrystal as "mental warrior"; Winston as "macho"; Gil as "stupid but good"; but Jon is TRANSPARENT to energy: he IS a teacher in that he doesn't waste his energy BEING a personality.
3) Scatter (of sexual and CRUISING energies) produces my relationship (and Dennis's) that are "taken for granted" because no ENERGY is directed to THEM, only to "the next sex encounter." No WONDER there's no LIFE in the relationship. I can SEE admitting this in class and gay men's seminar and GETTING and GATHERING CLASS ENERGY in my realization and confession of vulnerability and ERROR. As if Bruce and Jon deserve ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of putting up with my RANDOMNESS and POSE.
4) My POSE as "sexually liberated"---I AM, but I DIRECT ENERGY to APPEARING that way, rather than simply BEING that way. So I direct energy to APPEARING as a traveler (souvenirs, slides, talk), rather than just TRAVELING. BEING in Actualism rather than gossiping with Susan, wanting Bruce Swearer, THINKING of working sessions.
5) This all leads to a DIFFERENT view on "wanting to live forever," which led to "not having enough time" as manifested in "wanting to do too much," now looks like "have to GATHER my formerly SCATTERED energies so that MY life can appear and FEEL more like Jon's so-clear "effortless effort" as a TEACHER---always time for ME (not like Chrystal) when I want it, always PLEASED with what he's doing (not like Bruce), and VERY loving (not like Winston).
6) It occurs to me NOW that it's only BECAUSE I was threatened to be put into a healing program that I had to LOOK at myself and WORK on my scatter (and SHARPEN my dynamic socially, probably thereby open my MAGNETIC more) that LED to these more concentrated viewpoints.
7) As MY personality doesn't have INFINITE time, I have to GATHER and USE time or else it's scattered and frittered away. AS a personality I don't have INFINITE energy, so I CAN'T EXPECT to "deeply love" and "scatter sex." AGE has SOMETHING to do with REVEALING this, too, since I NO LONGER have INFINITE sexual energy! PORNO scatters it and TRICKING scatters it. USE it for a PERSON, and in the energy of GETTING one.
ACTUALISM 281
1/29/83
#3-54: INITIATION INTO SECOND-PHASE THIRD ADVANCED, OF 12/13/82
Marilyn and Margaret are announced to be in the Healing program. We're all elegantly dressed, me in my blue suit and saddle shoes that Michael notices. Jon announced a meeting for Wednesday, January 5, at 8 pm at Elaine Hyams' for planetary work. Our inner garments which we will don are THE ESSENCE GAINED FROM OUR EXPERIENCE. All roles (mother, father, son, doctor, worker) have GARMENTS for them.
Garment allows you to CHANNEL VERTICAL power of ROLE.
"This is no longer ME" in handing OLD robes/roles to IE.
Jon announces that 1/10 and 12/24 and 2/7 and 4/4 will be everyone at 7 pm, but 2/21, 3/7, 3/21, and 4/18 will be FIELD at 6 pm and FIRST TEACHING CLASS IN NEW YORK at 8 pm, with Michael and Paula from our class, and Elaine Hyams and some others from the COMBINED class ahead of us.
Then third phase third starts at May 2.
Sadly, I don't remember much from almost 7 weeks ago: and since I DON'T remember much---well, no, maybe it WAS rather emotional: certainly I reported that I'd been through a lot in the past two weeks because of the danger of not being allowed into this class. Certainly I felt something about being privileged (and a little like I was pulling something over on Jon, which would have led to emotions when Jon said that we all DESERVED to be in this advanced class), but I probably didn't PERCEIVE very much (that's called Saturday morning un-quarterbacking), just got a lot of EMOTIONS churning around. Have the impression I was scoffing at the reports of others: thinking THEY were making them up to please Jon, which of course was partly what I was doing too! How interesting how LITTLE (though he many times says that BRAIN-MIND might not register much) I remember from WHAT HAPPENED during the session, though it IS too bad that I took so much time to write it up. How this chronicle is NOT serving its purpose when I don't STICK to it!
ACTUALISM 282
1/29/83
NSH T&R WITH GIL ON 1/4/83
The only NOTES I have from the session are:
1) Knuckle slants IN, toward the middle of the head, on the lower edge of the skull.
2) DON'T make a fist, which closes off the energy, when making elbow passes.
3) Press IN against the SACRUM when running the elbow around it, to feel it better. This was a busy day, with this T&R at 2:30, enough time after for a pizza slice and a look at DDL foods before my Rolfing with David, which was delayed from 4:30 to almost 5, and it lasted until almost 7, when I had to scurry down to meet Toshihiko and Michael at Ty's at 7:30, but THEY were late, too. Gil was VERY pleased with my session, saying it was one of the best NSH he had this year (and did I just NOW get he MIGHT have been FUNNY with this, seeing as it was JANUARY 4!!), and that he'd certainly recommend people to me, that I was a GOOD body worker. His body is certainly THICK, but I was surprised (as I always am with the teachers) that though they have a good SURFACE flexibility and ease, they can throw up LOADS from inside that really make giving them a body session feel like I'm DOING something. He congratulates me that I've gotten through to the NSH/V combo, saying it should be pretty good, too.
ACTUALISM 283
1/29/83
#3-55 MAG/MAG-DYN/DYN-IMMORTAL/PERSONALITY OF 1/10
There's 10 in class, and Joan Ann's announced for a year's sabbatical (for school work).
Second-phase Third is six sessions and two "report" sessions. Purpose is to light-infuse to BRING FORTH talent and to satisfy personal desires, so bring in light to FIND desires and be SUCCESSFUL.
1) Process the worthless images, the hated images, and the idealized images.
2) This tool is to be OBJECTIVE to talents, using PERSONAL FREEING INTELLIGENCE. Harmonize spherical RADIANT dynamic with PERSONALITY dynamic, and in the same way harmonize spherical radiant MAGNETIC with personality magnetic: this is like the LIVING part of the COORDINATING tool.
When we come to the center, come in revved up THIS way.
See dramatic changes on the inner.
YOUR LIGHTED COPILOT IS LIKE A FAMILY OF LIGHT WITHIN YOU.
1) Light Personal Freeing Intelligence, 2) Move up to Archetypal, 3) harmonize magnetic-magnetic, dynamic-dynamic, Radiant Immortal and Personality, 4) Down 4-8-6, MM and DD EACH step.
Loads CRUNCHED out; no space left for them. There's no loads in the IMMORTAL Magnetic-Dynamic, so there's none ALLOWED in the Personality Magnetic-Dynamic. Bring the AUTHORITY of your Immortal into alignment with your Personality.
Align with the actual truth and power of Who You Are.
THIS IS objective tool for interacting AS field OR as staff, from here on in. STAY in this, IN Personal Freeing Intelligence. CAN work in other intelligences, but GET A LOT OF THIS CLEAR by next class.
At FIRST half I couldn't report ANYTHING, but in the second half I could say that it seemed to FIT very nicely, that it seemed like "the way it should always have been," and it felt very powerful and enlightening: in the past I'd have a TERRIBLE class session and work up to a grand apotheosis: this STARTED with the grand apotheosis, so I'll have a lot of FUN working with this for the next week, again thanks to REALLY LOOKING at being at this level of the work after the threat of not being allowed to enter. Things moving on a personal basis, too, it seemed, with CRUISING being done in gym now.
ACTUALISM 284
1/29/83
#3-56 START OF U.S. CONSCIOUSNESS PROJECT OF 1/24
We get into Personal Freeing Intelligence and into the SIGIL with Dark-Violet on the left, Red-Gold in the center, and Radiant-Warrior on the right. We take a trip to the Halls of Learning, first for counseling on CAREERS, second to JOIN a Committee, for which sheets were passed out to hand in next time. LIGHTEST of thought is COPILOT thought. We enter into our Human Bodies and move to the roof of the hotel, joining hands to take off into space to the Halls of Learning, where we board a tram to go the career counseling. At this phase I SPACE OUT ENTIRELY, remembering NOTHING of ANYTHING, and acutely avoiding being called on for some of the preliminary reports before the break. Jon mentions that if we're NOT recording, we should stay near HIM, which I resolve to do, after raising my hand to say that I wasn't recording at ALL. This time I "get" that a choice I hadn't thought of before (except that Jon said that "Survival of Cities," needed people), that which I formulated as PRESERVATION AND RESTORATION OF MASTERPIECES OF THE PAST, based on my charge in the Delhi Museum on the silk route masterpieces, my resonance at Nara and Borobudur and Coba, my delight in museums and historical sites, and my sadness when I hear this painting or that wooden carving has been destroyed in the war or in other calamities. Report on that with enthusiasm, after completely messing up my INITIAL report by saying that everything had such CLARITY and DIRECTNESS, and then my REPORT being a confused mass of blatherings!! But everyone got a good laugh out of them. When we were coming DOWN, Jon said to observe that New York City has a LOW-FREQUENCY rim of SEPARATIVISM around it, saying we're better, more sophisticated, even more sinful than the rest of US. He said not to do the session in MOTION (on the subway) when you LEAVE physical body. "The Temples of Wisdom and Beauty are the NAMES of the Halls of Learning at the unobstructed levels." I choose committees 3 and 30 and 32 (there IS no 36 and 32 is closest to 36) and remark that I picked out my BIRTH DATE, and Bill Parham looks at the sheet and says "1900 isn't here!" So he can joke, too. The only OTHER one, for city planning, on Committee 32, is Valda Wells. I marked my sheet in ink, yet later "4. Grand Unification Theories in Science" seemed like a possible addition, after reading a DYNAMITE February Scientific American.
