Actualism notes
DIARY 11414
11/4/76
TALK WITH BRUCE LIEBER
The first part is all about Tom and estimating his job of editing for him. THEN he gets into Actualism, feeling the energy from my head and chest and hand and say that I'm putting out a lot of energy, so that, like him, I must have been through these things in past lives, and now we're all on the same path trying to reach the point of not being reincarnated, except that I say I enjoy living so much that I think I'd LIKE to come back and live again since Karma means that you have anything you want, and he mysteriously says I can have it both ways. He says that I'm probably stronger in psychic powers than I think, and I say that EVERYONE'S told me that, but I'm very resistant and maybe think that the harder time I have getting somewhere (thinking specifically of an orgasm), the more incredible the reward when I DO get there. He says I'm purely mental, but I say that I had a purely physical experience last night that was tops, and that I've had peak emotional experiences, too, and can't imagine how they'd all fit together into one experience, since LOVING seems to preclude thinking and sex, sex seems to cut out loving and thinking, and thinking goes on best without loving and sex. He talks about losing part of his memory, becoming spaced out while walking so that he forgets where he's going, has headaches when he tells some of the secrets of Actualism, gets his stomach into knots, and had, just the first time through "About Sex," come to be able to accept the idea of homosexuality, since he's a narrow monogamous heterosexual, and I think I disturb him when I say that monogamy is almost as bad as abstinence. He says that he goes along with Muktananda who opts for nothing, saying that he'd had his fill of that in the past as monks and now he HAS to be in the world, though he floats above it most of the time. I finally decide that since tonight will be a PERSONAL introduction to Actualism I can see some of the people who are into it (including Michael Blackburn, Steve Schweigert, Tom Campbell, Neil Sendar, Robin Condon, Maureen Duffy, and many of the other people who have now left Theta), and Dennis wants to go, so his coming here, as Bruce said, today was NOT a coincidence but MEANINGFUL.
DIARY 11415
11/5/76
ACTUALISM INTRODUCTION
Fairly attractive guy in a red leisure suit strides to the stage and the first statement out of his mouth could be paraphrased as "Actualism teaches Enlightenment." They "begin by purifying consciousness using life energy," and "grow even more enlightened through life," which I can't see how is possible. Aging is "due" to magnetic aura (which extends out 6 to 300 feet, so he says) absorbing negative (low frequency) energies from people with problems and from the atmosphere, but people can learn to convert it to positive (high frequency) energy. "Actualism distills and refines fear into wisdom." How to get the pleasure from pleasure without pain. Learn to RESPOND, rather than REACT, from shock or fear. He talks until 8:05, and then goes into a direct experience process to 8:52. We close our eyes and sit with feet on floor and hands gently cupped on thighs to "enclose the energy of the body" and think of a white star three inches above the head which should be "thought, since thought directs action" to spin counterclockwise to eliminate the bad, moving from top to in front to 12 feet below your feet, scouring out the bad (which can come out as burps and stomach gurgles and he doesn't mention farts); and then stopping and setting it into motion clockwise to assimilate the good, lightening the body and making it feel better. He asks for reactions and gets some, but I felt nothing: my dull stomach nausea from the hangover remains, the sense of constriction at the back of the neck has become possibly more localized and noticeable. He continues: You learn in the session, and then apply it at home, at least an hour a day, and THEN I decide that I can't take it up while I'm working on the index, so I say to call me after January 1, 1977. There seemed to be lots of sycophantic giggles, burps, and laughter which I didn't care for. Schofield began teaching in 1947, started school in 1960, there are now 20 teachers, 3 in NYC, and this goes to 9:02. Then there's a brushdown that Dennis loves to 9:18 (front 2, back 2, underarm front, underarm back, side, side, leg, leg), and the basic is 26 lessons. It could be taken 1 per week to one per month, but one per week is better. He says we can stay for questions, but Dennis obviously wants to leave now.
DIARY 11416
11/5/76
ACTUALISM TALK WITH DENNIS
HE says the guy talked in a monotone (I agree), parroted his lines (I disagree), was uninteresting (I disagree); there were cute guys in the audience (I distinctly agree!), Bruce sparkled (I was amazed), he wanted to leave but found himself blocked by the woman's handbag in the aisle. He liked the brushdown. I said that I liked the ideas, hated the vocabulary and the methods, but felt that if I had to write a description of what I was looking for, it would sound EXACTLY like what he'd said. We agreed that different things could be taken different ways by different people, and he had to change "He wasn't talking to US" to "He wasn't talking to ME," since I insisted, "He WAS talking to ME!" Kept thinking of Bruce's "If you're ready for this, this is the best" with a bit of pompous snobbishness, and tell Dennis about David-Neel's statement at the end that I wanted to show him, then realized that showing it to him without his having read the book and dozens like it, it wouldn't have the same effect on him: it wouldn't be of service to him, only serve to give him something to make fun WITH. I suggested that maybe (though not necessarily PHYSICALLY) he KNEW that some of the stars were rising too high, and he DIDN'T say it merely for effect. I thought he DID know what he was talking about it, and admired the organization for just putting out what it was, rather than trying to sell it. Dennis said that the packaging was wrong, but I said it was right for ME and not for him, so maybe that was why I wasn't surprised that he WASN'T interested in it (though I had to agree I felt better talking with him about it than talking with John about it) while I was. He possibly felt somewhat left out, and I said I had to decide first to tell the TRUTH, and then to tell the truth STRAIGHT, despite the fact that he might not like it. But I AGREED that the concept of a spinning star was silly, but didn't get into the right-handed rule of electricity, saying merely that the direction of rotation of a GENERATOR DOES affect the flow of current, and when I GET the rotation clearly, I'll figure out whether they're filling us with positive ions (supermentally) or negative ions. But I DO think I've found the next "self-improvement business" that I'll be investing in.
DIARY 11436
11/15/76
MEDITATION VERSUS ACTUALISM (BEFORE ACTUALISM)
Pope keeps insisting that he's never found anything better over a long period of time for himself than meditation. I'd gotten into it, fallen out of it, gotten back to it, fallen out of it again, and NOW that I have heard that Actualism says that practitioners of it should not indulge in hypnotism or in meditation, it may have put the seed in my mind so that my meditating sessions just haven't been PRODUCTIVE anymore. But then I haven't been meditating anything LIKE daily, let along the TWICE a day that it's supposed to be. Actualism, at least, seems more convenient in that one can call down the "star" of activity riding on the subway, or in bed, and I add these questions to the list I've started to make up for my first session tonight. It might be a relief to get into something that would give me a "valid excuse" to get out of meditation, since I can't see that it's doing much good for me SINCE I've ALWAYS had the practice of lying quietly and thinking about what's to be done in the morning before I get out of bed. Meditation seems to be good for people who have no time for introspection, which is what I engage in most of the waking life for myself, for all I can feel is the anxiousness for the meditation period to be over so that I can DO something. With Actualism, at least I'll be DOING something in an active way. Pleased to hear that this is the same as Agni Yoga, the yoga of fire, which isn't even included in Bernard's list, and I'd thought I'd had Hatha (with Ram Dass), Mantra (with TM), Jnana (through the Ramakirshma book), and some of Kundalini (through Tantra), but I find there are many MORE kinds than I'd remembered, so I have no danger of coming to the END of the things that I can try on myself. Strange that NO one can be found to say anything BAD about Actualism, even though it's been around for 6-7 years in strength. Keep trying to get in touch with Nick, but I haven't been able to do it yet: his phone's BUSY or it rings and rings. What a pity if I'm disappointed in this: I seem to be building myself up to the concept that this is going to be a turning point of my life, so I want to record how I feel BEFORE it so that I can compare it with AFTERWARDS.
DIARY 11441
11/16/76
ACTUALISM #1
The cutie from the intro, whose name turns out to be (1) Donald, is sitting on a chair next to an empty sofa, so I sit there. A Guy-like (2) Malcolm sits on the other side and a goony young kid (3, Jim) sits between us. A very tall and long-legged and nice-chested (4) Matthew sits across the way in blue jeans and a red pullover, WASPish face. Get a few looks from (5) Allan, a John Woods look-alike, and he asks afterward if I didn't graduate from est with him, and I did, flattered that he remembered me, and he said he's glad to see me here, which I have to tell him makes me feel very good. Bruce says that he's surprised to see so many men (11) in the group (15), and that sometimes it's more women than men, or more balanced, and I'm pleased that I came to this one. There are repeats from before, (6) Rich, blond, taking it for the second time and saying he got more out of it; (7) Charles, who helped lay out the current brochure, and one of the women. One's black (8, Hazel), one (9, Evelyn) is big and fat, one (10, Louise) is older and blondish, like an older Sharon Askew, and the other (11) is young and eager and I walk her to her apartment at 312 W. 88th afterward. There's a Spanish fellow (12, Janni) that I somehow associate with Nick Sanabria, another Spanish fellow (13, Jerry) who sits with his arms folded and seems rather against it all, and a very tall older man (14, John), and (15) myself. The lighter Spanish asks the tall one for a cigarette, but Bruce discourages smoking in such a crowded room, and when he's asked again later, much over half the room raises their hand to say it would bother them if anyone smoked. That's good too. Bruce introduces himself and his wife, Jan Jaffe, saying the two of them are the teachers along with Wendy, who was at the intro. So the teaching stuff is not the sexiest, which might make it better for the material. But the four guys "with the names" are a good start, though the girl said that ONE fellow told her he would NOT be back. Bruce said that the price for next time was set at $10, but if the group THEN was below 9, it would be set at $12.50 for the NEXT time, even though more than 9 would have showed up. "Don't want any surprises," he says, but I refrain from saying it would be a NICE surprise to pay LESS, rather than adhering to $12.50 with 15 in the room! We start with questions, and he describes "clockwise" as "left to right in front of you" and "counterclockwise" as "right to left in front of you." OK. Later he says that one should NOT meditate AND sit under the star at the same time, saying that "inner work should be kept separate or how will you know what results came from which work." Also, he suggests opening the star shower before going to sleep, using it to change nightmares into dreams, so I feel easy about doing it in the morning, except he says that I shouldn't be in danger of falling asleep again, and I say that "due to circumstances" that's a good time for me and I won't fall asleep. Then he puts on a tape of Paul Schofield's, and the voice doesn't affect me negatively as much as it did before, and he goes through letting the starlight shine in the seven centers, and I find it rather boring, nodding out every so often, just letting my mind follow his words, surprisingly free from the past or the future. That goes on for about 45 minutes, or so it seems, and then we pair up for "laying-on of hands" and I hope to get cute Donald, but he directs the folding chairs in front of the sofa, and since I'm at the end, they don't get to me, and Donald expresses concern about my lack of a partner, and I'm hoping he'll be put next to me but Bruce sends me onto Evelyn, the plump one. When she puts her hands on my head, I can feel her fingers moving about up there, and figure her arms are being pushed in and out by her breathing, but at the end she expresses extraordinary surprise that I could make my scalp creep like that, sending up waves that she expresses with her fingers about 1/2 to 3/4 inch apart, insisting that SHE wasn't moving. I insist that I wasn't moving, and Bruce laughs and says "How about that?". Top of head for lifting thoughts, midbrain for inner teacher, throat for creativity, thymus for higher will, heart for close interpersonal relationships, affection and warmth, solar plexus for communication and perception, organizational for "putting order into a confused and frustrating life." At the bottom one I swear her fingers are palpating me, but again she insists she was keeping perfectly still. When I do her, she says that my RIGHT hand was always warmer than my LEFT hand until her solar plexus, and I don't bother to tell her that that's probably because she had so many rolls of fat in the front that my hand couldn't actually CONTACT a very wide area of her skin, only the mountaintops! Then we're back to our seats for more questions and sharing of what went on, and from the talk LOTS of people have been through est, which Bruce takes calmly. Then there's the final brush-down, and he suggests "whoever's next to you," and there's Donald looking at me with a combination of acceptance and exasperation. He moves to be "done" first, and he's sweating a lot, keeps his arms down before I realize that it's for my convenience and push them up. He's rather thick about the waist, but his chest is nice and his legs are quite slender, as is his ass. I do him with affection, concentrating on Bruce when he turns to me with his eyes open, and I'm pleasantly surprised when I'm done by him to find that he uses agreeable pressure and firm, businesslike, yet pliable pressures on the hands, chest, and legs. Bruce says that we should take the first FIVE lessons of the basic 26 (there are new classes starting about every two months, 3 other basic classes going, maybe 5 or 6 advanced classes, so their schedule's pretty full, though it might mean 100 people in all) and the "wrap-up" of the 6th. He says, at the end, that he's grateful for everyone's patience and good will in such a large group, and he expresses his pleasure with us. I'm interested in some of the negative comments about closedness and "nothing happened" around the room, feeling that my point of view is well represented, and I'm looking forward to getting into it. He talked of boredom, irritation, frustration in the same way that est did: you're working through something, and there's a lot of junk to be gotten rid of before good progress can be made. Bruce embraces Allan at the end, saying something about his being "a powerful person," and he clasps me with somewhat less fervor, but he's pleasant, wishing me goodnight as I go out the door. If the group reduces to 5-6 of the best men and maybe 2 of the women, it would be perfect---well, let's keep it above 9, anyway. Turns out to be 6 men and 2 women and me, PRECISELY, in #3. So I'm into it; it's not bad, not overwhelming, and I'm reminded of the fantasy I had in the shower about it last night (see DIARY 11444).
DIARY 11444
11/16/76
ACTUALISM FANTASY IN THE SHOWER /IT
Fantasize an unpleasant first meeting, with Bruce getting angry at me and me arguing that HE should be the enlightened one and I'm just STARTING. Then step back and muse that I might actually be CREATING this to happen, which isn't very pleasant, and imagine the final line of the initial confrontation: "I fantasized this horrible mess in the shower this evening." "Then you created it." But I can't be that powerful; but you are! I think that I'd have to come to one of two conclusions: that I created it and can now take over the world if I could figure how; that I created it and am one with everyone, but why don't I KNOW it? He then insists that I AM everyone, and the negative feelings I have about Nirvana, and my desires for travel and pleasure and continued reincarnations are PRECISELY what's keeping the world from being enlightened: If I were enlightened, then IN FACT the world would be enlightened, since there can be no enlightenment for ALL THE WORLD until everyone IN the world is enlightened, and the Bodhisattvas have to keep coming back and coming back, until everyone but the LAST SEA URCHIN has reached enlightenment, and EVERYONE'S working for that LAST SEA URCHIN, and imagine the mind-blowing experience IT would have when it at last SAW that the world was continuing ONLY for him. Obviously, that sea urchin could be thought of as EVERYONE, and I feel a resistance NOW to saying that I felt that everyone was trying to help enlighten me when I was at HH (NO, NOT HH = Hemlock Hall) HH = Hollywood Hospital, but that would be PART of my resistance to the idea that everyone is everyone: I think WELL of myself, and think that I'm "far along" the path; yet I can't attribute that to everyone ELSE, and the sign of enlightenment might BE to be convinced that everyone but yourself IS enlightened, so that once YOU get it, the world can blaze into Nirvana and all the desires can stop and bask in FULFILLMENT, rather than in WANTING. I guess I should feel grateful to Actualism for even lending me the background to think such thoughts during. And he DID keep saying that enlightenment isn't something that's DONE TO YOU, but it has to be something that COMES FROM WHAT'S ALREADY INSIDE EVERYONE WHO'S LOOKING FOR IT.
DIARY 11454
11/22/76
BRUCE LIEBER AND ACTUALISM
He'd done work for Tom and wanted more names from me, and I blew him away when I said I'd be taking my second lesson tonight. He said that I'd like the energies I'd be given to play with tonight, was amazed at my tale of my scalp twitching (though Pope said he was SURE that she was doing it but was too embarrassed to admit it to HERSELF), and he said that he tended to burn himself out by putting the star (his monk in him would LIVE with it all the time, as he puts it) into his organizational area during some freelance work and making good time with it. He said that he told someone ahead of time to put the star in his chest, and HE got a great pain in his chest, and his teacher then told him that when he makes a mistake like this, he TAKES ON THE BURDEN of the other person. Later, he said, he found out how to do this in a good way: like working in an office where everyone felt irritated and then bringing the star into the office and feeling all the atmosphere around him and around everyone just lightening up. He talked of his roommate's changes after he took the first courses, how the years dropped away from his face and he ended up looking almost like a BABY. He DOES have to go far to describe his reactions. He predicted that I'd find a lot of spectacular things happening by the seventh lesson; they'd happened to him and he had a tendency to deny them, saying that he COULDN'T have done that, but as they kept happening he trusted the feeling and now lives with it. He said he got "a blast of energy over the phone" when he mentioned the seven lessons, and I'd been merely thinking that I'd gone for ONE, then heard I should be going for FIVE, and now it turns out to be SEVEN, but since I feel good enough about what's going on SO far, I'll see what happens in the next few. He mentioned that the very tall guy had been dating his sister, was named Julian, and was a very far-out person. He was surprised at the crowd we had, saying that Schofield's tape sometimes generates heat in the room that dissipates when it's finished, but that I shouldn't nod out, merely open my eyes a little and think that good things are going to happen. He's in the advanced course, I guess, and I still feel a great distance behind him as far as the FORM of Actualism is concerned: second one tonight.
DIARY 11456
11/23/76
ACTUALISM #2
(1) Aurelia, a fat black, is auditing; (2) Hazel, the other black, is slow spoken; (3) Louise the blond and (4) Evelyn the redhead are there, but the girl I walked home isn't, so there are still 4 women. Julian, Bruce's sister's boyfriend, isn't there, nor is Matthew and Donald, which is a great pity. (5) Malcolm looks even more attractive with his sunburn, (6) Charles is hyper as the impatient one, and (7) Jerry drives me up the wall with his dizziness with his eyes closed, his "being saved from death and great pain," and his sounds from across the room. (8) Allan is friendly and (9) I sit next to him, and the blond beanpole (10, Jim) sits on the other side and gets my notes from the question I asked Wyndee about the functions of the centers described last week. I want to ask (11) Janni if he knows Nick, but I don't get the chance. Pass my check across made out to Actualism and they prefer "Star Center," but they take it. Wyndee says we'll get boredom and sleepiness from Paul's tapes, but that's only because the light is going into areas that are dim with underuse, and the blasting away of the cobwebs will produce yawns, belches, and maybe even an urge to urinate---there are two johns in the place, both for our use, and they even let me use the telephone at the end. She introduces us to the gold crown and dome, and I sit erect and easily during the thought-contact with the idea of it, expanding it easily and bringing it down around me like a bell jar, and there's a pleasant sensation of whirling when she directs it to spin counterclockwise for elimination and clockwise for assimilation. I get the visual/retinal image I get sometimes when meditating [MISSING DIAGRAMS], continuous sweeps of GOLD scarves folding around on themselves and appearing to "recede" from my point of vision in slow majesty, about one second per cycle. She asks for subjective evaluations and I'm pleased to say that I identify the crown/dome spinning and light much better than the star spinning and light, and tell about the visual images. Others experience heat and warmth, but I don't. DID tell about my irritability, and she says she thought it was great. Allan, rather superciliously I thought, said that he HEARS them and lets them be. Then there's a break, no talking, and I get tea because my throat has been starting to be sore, and then we're into partner-work and Allan and I turn to each other with pleasure. These are "laying on of hands" for purposes of curing headaches and shoulder aches: lying on top of head, thumbs together; to left side for forehead/base of neck; to back for just-over-ears; back to side for over-right-eye/ left neck base, and for over-left-eye/ right neck base---and then brushdowns from the top of the head to the shoulders. Allan's hands are trembling, and he remarked about it, wondering if it came from me, and I noted but didn't talk of the warmth from his hands, feeling very good toward him, hoping he was getting something from me. Then I gave to him and I told him (though I was steadier) I was sorry my hands weren't warmer, and he said he sensed the love in what I did (oh, how I wish I could have said "You're very perceptive, then") and that I thought about it too much, which he understood because that's where he came from himself. Then we go right into the brushdowns, he getting them first, and he has a rather sizeable pot, which is a pity, but nice legs. He remarks that I could keep on doing that all night, which is another step in the right direction for us. Then he does it to me, almost brushing the tip of my cock as he goes down my left leg, but the subsequent brushes are more decorously to the side. I make my phone call and say that I'll see him next week, and he seems a tiny bit disappointed in my brusqueness. More administration: makeup lessons are always arrangeable, but they're $20. Since they didn't wait for more people, I assume all the other 5 (Rich, Julian, Donald, Matthew, and the girl) had phoned their excuses/absences. Wyndee was direct, pleasant, eager in an est way without the est pushiness, quick to laugh, and agreeable to listen to, and she even suggested we align ourselves with the beings-of-light of Bruce and Jan while we're working. She also said we could do this WITHOUT telling of the mechanisms with friends, but only to say as much as they'd accept, and not to go too far, since we take the burdens of the others onto US when we make a mistake. She thinks she likes the group and so do I.
DIARY 11468
11/30/76
ACTUALISM PHONE CALL BEFORE CLASS
I call once and get a busy signal, then get Jan, who says I can talk to her. I say that I did the star almost daily, but the crown only every other day, but that I've been fatigued and listless for the past two weeks, though I DID have a flu shot. I mentioned leaving the star out in front of me, and she sounded surprised and said that I should dip it out front and THEN bring it into the CVA, which, in fact, the instructions say but I forgot. Then I say that I used the crown while lying down, and assumed it had to be perpendicular to the earth, but she said that it had to remain at the top of the head, and I apologized for doing it wrong. "You can't do anything WRONG," she said. "The Being of Light inside will prevent actual damage being done, but what may be happening is that you're bringing up lots of stuff that the fires aren't burning up, and the residue is making you tired. Don't worry: tonight is planned as a brush-up after the first two sessions; you'll feel OK when it's over." I felt pretty good after this conversation, but actually the only thing that happened was that I watched TV and didn't even have to get back to typing ANYTHING. Today I feel much better, incidentally. She encouraged me to call more, saying that I should have called last week if I wasn't feeling up to par, but again I reminded her of the flu shot. Later, it turned out that she'd discussed my call with Bruce, who referred to it during the evening. The call was short, yet I had the idea that any question I wanted to ask I could, and I debated later about filling up a SHEET with questions that I'd like to ask individually, or maybe even get a single session so that I could talk about the theories behind the practices, to settle myself firmly on facts rather than following the fantastical part of the colors and lights and images. It's awkward calling the hotel, since the hotel's lines have NEVER been busy, but THEIR line is often held up, but it costs me a dime anyway. Jan seemed competent, so it seems like the New York staff is equally trained and worthy of respect, which makes it a far better organization than the dum-dums they have minding the phones and the administrative offices at the much more dogmatic est!
DIARY 11469
11/30/76
ACTUALISM #3
Matthew's in front of me on the sidewalk, and he sort of ignores me in the hallway and I figure to snub him, but then in the elevator he turns to me and we say "Hi" almost simultaneously. Evelyn is there in a pale purple dress, as is Malcolm, looking even MORE handsome than before. We're into the room quickly and we're only 9 this time: (1) Rich is BACK auditing for $6, another fat male (2) auditor, (3) Matthew, (4) Malcolm, (5) Hazel, (6) Evelyn for the only two women, (7) Charles looking tanned, and the skinny blond, named (8) Jim, and (9) me. Bruce starts by asking for questions, someone talks about going too fast, and I ask if there's any DANGER, and he says that once a week is about right. Then he starts talking about the Radiant Warrior, the light purple star in the crown, which fights unwanted germs, and I ask about the flu vaccine, which he says is a killed virus, so that's OK. This is the natural antibiotic in the Natural Being, and it would affect the actions of REAL antibiotics, so they shouldn't be "done" together. Then he gives us the intro to the purple light that we'll work with, and on comes another tape by Paul Schofield, and I sit erect and work through things, almost SEEING the purple color. Then he asks for our reactions, and I think to say that it's SOFT, but he says "It's really distinctly different from the other ones," and I feel so silly about being wrong that I don't say anything, and he ends up saying that it's soft and WOOLY. So I should have spoken up. Then we get partners for the hands-on part of it, and Bruce brings chairs across from the opposite sofa and we pair up with the people there, so I get Matthew (Evelyn and fatty, Jim and Rich, Malcolm and Charles, and Hazel with Bruce). I sit on the SIDE of the chair with my back to Matthew, head bent forward slightly, and he puts his purple sun between his hands ("the star is in abeyance" Paul intones and Bruce repeats), blazes it up, envelopes his hands in the three-foot diameter, and puts his hands, thumbs together, on the back of my head, curling around. Again the physical tensions of it make his hands tremble on my head. Hold about 90 seconds, bear in and blaze it up, then draw it back 6-8 inches, feeling the drawing power as the refuse is pulled up and out of the spine (which is what this is all about), and then back and away. Then a hand's length lower, bending forward a bit more, and I can feel myself relaxing into his hands much as I relaxed into Michael's under Rolfing, but Bruce says something about "elbows on the knees," and I'm obviously not meant to be lying almost parallel to my thighs, so I back up a bit. The hands progress down, about 6-7 fixations, the last at the lower part of the spine ("pick up an anatomy book and look through to find where things are"), and then a final movement: he stands to my left side, left hand parallel to the floor at the base of the skull, right hand perpendicular to the floor, the "middle finger like a laser pointing about an inch below the coccyx." Then explained and done: the right hand leaves the base of the spine (after noting "when the flow from the right hand reaches the left hand, causing a river of light to move up the spine") to join the left hand which has rotated around, so that they can both duplicate the original position . Then there's a break, windows are opened (to admit the tuba playing Wagnerian melodies) so that the warmth generated by the work can be dissipated (and I remarked how WARM Matthew's hands were, and he said that he felt a great deal of energy and warmth in mine, too, and I could almost FEEL myself reacting with pleasure). I picked up some books and Bruce remarked with some asperity that reading wasn't good, since there was still so much going on inside. He implied he could SEE these various manifestations, checking to make sure nothing went wrong, but that we would use them "in our own ways," saying that we could take on the burdens of others (talked to Jan about my taking away Dennis's stomach ache, too, but she said that I should have left my star to blaze away the ash) even if they didn't believe in the method used. Then the brushdown, with Matthew being more broad of beam than I'd expected, and still very firm and feeling with his fingers down the various parts of my body. Over at 10; break remark about the Christmas banquet in The Crystal Room at the White Turkey on W. 23rd (?) for $11 "for those who will have finished their 5th class, as WE will have on December 13th," the last day this year for meeting, and I figure to call them AGAIN.
DIARY 11476
12/3/76
ACTUALISM PHONE CALL #2
Again I have to call twice, Bruce answers, and I start asking questions.
1. Radiant warrior reluctant to go CCW, I notice it going CW, change it, OK? "You're resisting and blocking that which is coming up; intensify the purifying fire aspect ["Does EACH have that aspect? Yes."] and it'll get easier."
2. AGAIN, lying down, rotation is ALONG the CVA of body now HORIZONTAL? "Yes, it's vertical WITH RESPECT TO YOUR BODY, not the earth---12 feet "below" would then actually be across the room." I didn't ask about woman downstairs bumping into 3-foot sun, since it seemed even too silly to ASK about.
3. I didn't say "My MIND seems to be resisting what "something else" thinks is perfectly OK. Excuse my mind, I do" that I had on paper. Again, silly.
4. Too much to do Lesson 1, 2, and 3 at once? "Oh, no, don't do it like that. Spend one session of 10, 20, even 60 minutes on ONE energy, then keep working in that energy. After a couple of hours you can bring in some other energy, and then switch back to the one you're working on."
5. Is there a color associated with Cosmic Father/Dome? "Gold, yes, do you remember it now?" I'm feeling guilty about thinking it was silver gray, but I say "I remember it now" and wonder if he can tell I'm lying on the phone.
6. What is the name of the pelvic girdle position in Radiant Warrior? "The transmutational mergence." Say anything about it? "We'll get back to it, but you're earthing the uplifting power, merging your sensory and intellectual energies with the REGENERATIVE sexual force, making it more powerful."
7. Ignore that the Radiant Warrior has to "jog" from knees to elbows, silly.
8. When does Radiant Warrior star STOP spinning? "Easiest to stop it spinning when it's 3 feet above the head, then reduce it to 6 inches and to crown."
9. Still two questions unasked: a) Cosmic father is assimilation and elimination of WHAT? and b) Anything about doing it on full/empty stomach/otherwise?
10. Before my LAST question (8), actually DURING his answer to (6), I heard his doorbell go, he had to excuse himself, and returned with "one more question," and I asked (8), and then said "Thank you," and he said "You're welcome, I'm very glad you called" with what SOUNDED like a little exasperation, but he said something about calling back with more questions, so I'll start a NEW list to ask him on Sunday or Monday, bringing my PHONE calls up to my LESSON number 3.
DIARY 11477
12/4/76
ACTUALISM PHONE CALL #3
Direct contact with Bruce this time (unlike Bruce Lieber, who says he usually gets the tape) and I START with an apology of my incessant questioning:
1. Lesson One was "OK, we'll see," Lesson Two was "More? So soon? I'd better scramble." Lesson Three was "I'm dreadfully far behind ALREADY, feel really swamped, this is too much, question 'going too far,' and it's now even stronger." Didn't mention the "Attraction/repulsion: as in 'You're beautiful' OH YES///OH NO!!" But he "said" (unsaid) "What are the questions?"
2. Cosmic Father is the assimilation and elimination of WHAT? "Elimination of low-frequency energies and assimilation of higher-frequency energies."
3. What was PURPOSE of handwork with White Star energies? Same as above, and also to bring light (en-lighten-ment) to someone else's body.
4. Anything about doing it on a full/empty stomach? "None; but you can "lighten" food.
5. Is POSITION of Radiant Warrior star in crown important? "No, it's not."
6. What is positional relation between White Star and Dome---the "White Star is at the peak of the dome, but goes into abeyance when the dome is used."
7. Is RATE of spinning important? "Spinning is at a COSMIC speed designated by the Immortal Within, but it's slowed by resistance to elimination or assimilation."
8. Didn't ask if any north-south alignment of body was important. Probably not.
9. Any value to brushing yourself down? "That's OK, some value, but you can't brush your own back, no benefit from non-actualized people doing it because they won't be channeling the energy of the light through their hands."
10. What about before/after exercising? "Do them at different times to assimilate the full value of both activities; don't do them too close together in time." "You can downpour DURING exercising, using the energies of ANY gotten so far." Then he praised me outrageously, though sincerely, saying that my questions were a sign that I was really getting into it, not "skimming on the surface" as many seem to be doing, and he thought I was doing very well---almost an unspoken statement as Dennis's "Don't be so hard on yourself." His last statement was so nice that I wrote it down: "Keep up the good work, Bob. I'll talk to you later." Then I called Bruce Lieber (see DIARY 11478) about Actualism.
DIARY 11478
12/4/76
ACTUALISM AND BRUCE LIEBER
Call Bruce and his roommate answers, saying he's not there. In just a minute the phone rings, I fleetingly think "Is that Bruce so soon?" And it IS! He listens to my statement of the fullness of Actualism, he saying it didn't hit HIM until the 10th or so class, and that I was doing much better. Toward the end he admitted his tendency to dramatize, saying that Thought Directs Energy and Energy Follows Thought, and that Wyndee was saying "It'll be so great when you come away from that, Bruce," and he's looking forward to it. Now his "turning point" for me is coming at lessons 8-10, though he snorts a bit self-consciously before saying the number, two or three higher than the number said before. He said that of his initial group of 12, and the second group of 12 that his group was melded with after about 12 weeks, only 6 went into the advanced course. He tried IN VAIN to get away from the "specialness" of the group, but emphasized that the slowness of growth of Actualism was due to the BELONGINGNESS of each person in it. "This will give you the answers to ALL your questions, Bob," he said at the end. His parents may be bounced back to my class "And they keep working to say that it's nothing AGAINST you if you're sent back, that's just your rate of developing." We talked for awhile about the teachers, he saying they'd "Blown their stacks," which I took in the crazy sense first, THEN the est sense, and I said they were certainly fine examples of CHANNELS, giving the teaching and getting their own personalities out of the way. He said that some of the energies I'd be getting soon would let him talk to me in more detail about some of the mind-blowing things that'd happened to him (and I said I'd rather WAIT until Dennis was firmly into indexing before talking to HIM about getting HIM into it too), but that I sounded like I was doing well. He talked of EST as fun, and I said that Actualism impressed me as being bizarre fun: one half of me saying "This is too fast," the other half saying "This is all perfect." Dinner will be rather businesslike (he's been in since about November 1975), bringing down the light after dinner: "they don't get into conversation too much; they're SERVING." He has to fight his "No progress without pain" leanings, and I wonder if I'll ever get his COMPLETE CHANGE that he keeps saying will hit before I take the 10th lesson. Too much!
DIARY 11482
12/8/76
ACTUALISM #4
Jan's pretty good as a teacher, too, looking tranquilly on as I stutter through my reaction to the Radiant Warrior by saying that it's just about as intangible as the others, and that I feel that I'm waiting for "something to happen" to get me really into the energies. She later says that THIS is about what the group's going to be, and later I'm so confused I ask her WHO, and it turns out that (1) Janni and (2) Rich have JOINED the group, not just auditing some of the classes, and (3, Hands #3) Matthew and (4, Hands #1) Evelyn aren't here again, but they may still be in the group, and in addition there's (5) me and (6) Jim and (7) Charles and (8) Allan and (9) Hazel and (10) Malcolm, but since the group is only 8 tonight, the fee for next week will go up to $12.50. Allan said that he was feeling GREAT resistance, and Jan laughed and said he'd soon start finding excuses why he couldn't make it on Mondays, and he protested that she shouldn't put ideas into his head. He talks about being VERY hurt when Jan says that the left hand of the physician tends to three areas: the way we relate to friends (even friends we're not friendly with, and of course I think of Bob Grossman immediately), the way the parts of our body relate to each other (and she says this is REALLY for mending and healing parts of the body that have gotten out of repair), and for mending the loosened bonds between our physical body and our Actual Body. Then we close our eyes and she goes into nicely phrased introductions to the ruby-red color, and Russell is so "light" that he actually makes a few chuckles: saying when he talks about the sense of smell that "perfume makers know the power of this sense and make products that attract men to women and (chuckle) women to MEN." Then in a minute he says "Sense of taste, and you can get a touch of---let's say a TASTE of this"---and later "and NOW you can get in touch with the sense of touch." Jan, bringing us out, saying to "make a three-point landing with your two feet and your forebrain," and I say that the whole lesson was "light," meaning in HUMOR, and she commends me for my perception in seeing the lesson as "light" in the sense of having more of the higher vibrations and not so many of the lower, heavier ones. At the end he said something about keeping the sun spinning for ten more minutes, but I DO feel that it's getting hotter, and I don't think I can sit still longer, and when we come out Charles says "Jan, I felt you looking at me as I was ready to CLIMB THE WALLS if I had to sit there another ten minutes," and most of us rather jumped when she said "You're still under those suns, but they'll be going down in just a bit." Got some water in the break, and then we got to the handwork, Jim, sitting next to me on the sofa, almost demanding "Would you sit here?" while he went to get a folding chair to seat himself in front of me. Only three positions in this series, but my yellow corduroy shirt was tucked so firmly into my black pants that I had trouble pulling against the shoulders of the shirt to hold my hands in a RELAXED way against his heart, liver, and heart center, but I got through it and then he put his hands on ME in a very much LIGHTER, more EFFORT-FREE way, and it was almost a lesson on how to take it coolly. I could not FEEL my heart BEATING---it was a MONOLITHIC BLOCK---until I relaxed greatly, and then I felt his RIGHT hand almost PULLING my shirt away from my body on STRINGS. Then we quickly got into the brushdowns and he was quite brusque with me, and Jan seemed to make it more that the receiver stood in one place and the brusher moves around as necessary to get the whole thing done as a SERVICE to the brushee. Both Rich and I seemed determined to get her to say goodbye to us before we left. I'd finally asked Janni if he knew Nick Sanabria, and he looked at me somewhat puzzled, but said he didn't. Then at the end he sort of gave me the impression he'd never been an auditor in the class, and then I speeded up to get uptown to watch Baryshnikov. Jan said that Wyndee would be leaving for California at the end of the year and that someone with a French sounding name who's been in Dallas for the past year would be coming here, but that she and Bruce would be in NYC for another year, seemingly having been here in the two years since the NYC center has been there (the book, copyright 1974, lists only Texas outside centers in California). She said that Russell sent a very special cassette for the Christmas party, that we should wear jackets and good dresses "to reflect the people of light that we are"---and I NOW remember my warmth from her instructing us to RECEIVE the love from our Being of Light to its Creation, and us to RETURN that love to the Being of Light, feeling his gratitude for our recognition of his existence, and I could feel tears wetting my VERY dry cheeks in the arid room.
DIARY 11487
12/10/76
ACTUALISM PHONE CALL #4
Get a nice feeling of SYMMETRY in calling on Friday mornings, since that's EXACTLY a half-week away from the classes on Monday nights, so I've had a chance to come up with questions through the PRACTICE which will either leave me content with the energy or bring up any REMAINING questions before I get the NEXT energy. Have some trouble with the operator first and have to dial twice (and she interrupts the conversation so that Jan has to deal with her gently), and Jan answers and I get right into the questions.
1. Left hand of the physician within VERY reluctant to move: I feel myself thinking and PUSHING rather than thinking and LETTING. "You're hitting resistance and obstructions to that flow of energy. That's typical with each of these energies as you get into them to clear out the sluggish load that each of them brings up. Counterclockwise, focus on the consuming fire aspect to consume resistance for five minutes and then do about 5-10 minutes of the clockwise to assimilate ease." Attitude of "don't worry about it."
2. Where DOES the field extent? "Fifteen feet from the center of the body, so that's 15 feet up, so the sun 12 feet below is right at the bottom of your field, which has the densest loads. The field is 30 feet in TOTAL.
3. I do, however, have the sense of energy IN my field. "That's great."
4. But I have a cold. Can I take aspirin? "You can, but it shoots down your sensory responses; it doesn't do anything about the cold, it just sort of chloroforms the symptoms. Today, why don't you try the Radiant Warrior energy to CONSUME your overload (which manifests as colds and flu) which results from your emotional system overworking or from physical overwork. Then tomorrow you can return to the LHP and if that doesn't work you can go to aspirin." So she said it WAS OK (though not before class), but not REALLY.
5. Is the White Star the only consuming fire? "No, all of them have it."
6. Felt a little "behind" the last few weeks, but because of the questions I now---"You feel right with it, now?" Yes, exactly. "You ask good questions, it's good working with you. We'll unite with your Radiant Warrior energies today." Thank you very much, Jan. Goodbye. "Goodbye." Exactly direct and not much more, but a good feeling of her being "with" me mentally, if not physically or as a Being of Light, but "for" me and what I'm working through for myself.
DIARY 11505
12/16/76
ACTUALISM #5
Bruce is teaching, telling of the ORANGE star of the right hand of the physician, and I remark that someone ALWAYS has the color on, referring to Hazel's orange dress, and Bruce remarks about HIS (rotten) orange colored pullover! I again get the teary feeling when he's talking about sending the love back and forth between the being of light and the being of personality, and then Russell comes on with his birds in the background and Bruce has to close the window to cut out the sound of the flutes playing Christmas music outside. Others talk of their resistance, and I ask a question about a mental image (when he talks of the "upper room" I get the vision of two eyes plastered together, back to back, so that the turret on which they're positioned can see in all 180 degrees in front and 180 degrees in back) and he says to just let it go. He asks everyone what they GET in the upper room, and there are unconvincing (to me) reports of brightness and glow and warmth and vastness, but all I can say is that I get flickers of two pictures rapidly alternating, one atop the upper room, one inside the head, but he seems to accept that. I always feel so self-conscious when he asks these questions, feeling that he's testing me, and I'm always so reluctant to say that I'm not really seeing ANYTHING. Though I'm sure I'd express it as my mind shutting off and my experience just going along with his words. He describes the two mudras, making much of which hand goes where, but I forget and have to ask him about it later, on Thursday when I call. There's talk of the Christmas party, and then we're into the handwork, and he pointedly chooses me to work with, setting up 10 chairs since Jan's doing it too, but Charles isn't here, and I guess Evelyn is gone for good. So we're 9: Allan/Bob/Charles; Hazel/Janni/Jim; Malcolm/Matthew/Rich. Bruce places his hands very gently, and there's actually more of a COOL feeling than one of warmth from his hands, and when he asks for my comments, I say that I feel his hands are PERFECTLY in place as a UNIT exactly where they should be, and he accepts that positively. When I do it to him---and he's not as trim as he'd appeared, maybe even as fleshy about the middle as me---he says that I start with much nerves and control, coldly, but it warmed up on the first spot, was good on the second spot, and fabulous by the time I got to the third (more on DIARY 11513). Brushdown with Rich and leave 10:30.
DIARY 11507
12/16/76
TALK WITH VALDA ABOUT ACTUALISM
She makes a lousy first impression: short, long stringy blond hair, very much overweight, dirty stubby fingers, smoking cigarette after cigarette. But I do get an impression of a HAPPY person, and both Dennis and Pope assure me that it's possible to be overweight and a smoker and still be quite fulfilled. She says she was in the first classes here in New York, when the teachers were only coming in from the coast (and Rebecca, who's coming soon, was doing ALL the teaching at the beginning when Russell was doing all the administrating), and she was in the first regular classes here in New York, almost three years ago, so she's in the most advanced class HERE, which is in two sections of 8 each, at Second Advanced. She said that at Third Advanced she wanted to become a teacher-trainee, since she'd always wanted to be a teacher and she felt this was the perfect thing to teach, and the teachers HERE NOW were only in Fourth Advanced, and she didn't know ANYONE who was in Fifth Advanced. She'd been doing body work for the centers, and was then disgruntled when teachers returned from Russell with new, modified, techniques of body work. "If anything new can be added, they put it in." And now she likes the body work that she does. She said there were three sections in First Advanced, and something like six in Basic (though there may be more, if we're at the end of 5, others are at 10, others at 15, others at 20). Anyway, she said, New York may be growing to be larger than any one center on the West Coast. She'd met Russell two years ago, had feared she wouldn't like him, and liked him; she said he may be coming east again this spring, so I might have a chance to meet him soon. I mentioned that Dennis had graduated from est, she chatted with him about it, saying that she'd been in Mind Control since 1970, would have been in Actualism ONLY, and sooner, if it had been available, and a conflict with Actualism removed her from the est training she'd signed up for, getting her $30 back. She said SHE was perfectly content with it, knowing that it was what she'd always wanted, so I still haven't found anyone AGAINST it, though I suppose they wouldn't be around the center. I didn't ask how many had dropped out, say, at the end of FIRST advanced and didn't get any farther, for some reasons.
DIARY 11509
12/16/76
ACTUALISM CHRISTMAS PARTY
Among the first people there at 5:25, following Bruce Lieber in, and Jan Jaffe is rather foolish, still tired looking, in a white frou-frou dress about the neck (but maybe she has bad skin), Wyndee looking radiant in a lovely light green dress, Bruce elegant in velvet with a huge floppy bow tie. Janni is still smiling about last night, Matthew seems to be "with" Allan, and Ken [Miller] Someone Jewish bright-eyes up to me and HE graduated in June C, and we talk about how he got into it. Talk to Rich about how he dropped from 10 back to 1, saying it was much for the best because he didn't PRACTICE what the work was, giving ME a great hint! There's Tom (Steven had a conflicting engagement, and tonight was Werner's India event??) and Neil and Trish and others from Theta, and I'm introduced to more bright-eyed women. Champagne punch from 5:30 to 6, then we sit for tables, me next to Don and another guy, across from two women and there's Maureen Duffy, still fat and self-destructive, who sits across from me and monopolizes the conversation, even telling me about the "red-orange energy" she'd gotten in lesson 10 until forcibly quieted by Ken. Dinner is chicken loaf and ham loaf, good, with salads and deviled eggs and fruit and vegetables and rice and meat balls and a nice-tasting punch. Then more for dessert and there's Bruce wanting to talk to me, so I sit with him at the corner table with Bruce, Jan, Neil, and others fairly high up, and many gather around Bruce and get introduced to me, so I feel like I know lots of people. There was a closed-eye session at first, before dinner, then drawings for the gifts: self-designed flying As, anatomy charts, "Principles of Actualism," 2 classes free, and finally "The Kingdom of the Gods" by Geoffrey Hodson, with illustrations VERY like that woman's illustration of herself on SATURDAY! Then another closed-eye session with the tape of Russell's on the "Christ Mass" ending with "Ah Men" "and I might add, Ah Women." He deals with prayer, the greater spirits of light that come to earth at Christmas time, and how good everything is, sounding a bit older than the tapes in class, but still rather humane and sparkly, quite looking like his portrait, in fact. Then there's more chattering, but I leave quickly, feeling sort of exhausted, jealous of Allan's giving Matthew a book signed "to my brothers" by John Paul Hudson; and NOW how do I say I'm gay, too?
DIARY 11510
12/16/76
ACTUALISM PHONE CALL #6
[#5 is included on the day-page of DIARY 11489.] Heard that they still had lessons today, so I left a message, and then Bruce called me back. Many questions:
1. What are Actualism's ideas about physical exercise? Good, up to individual; jogging is coming back, Tai-Chi is big on the West Coast, and for a downpour during it, the orange RHP is perfect for any physical undertaking. I say that I'm NOT athletic, and maybe THAT'S why I'm having resistance with it.
2. Is "let" the same as "relinquish personality CONTROL over," and he goes back to the "effortless effort," get it STARTED, and then let the higher being take over. But he certainly seemed to shy away from it's acting "independently."
3. OK for RHP 1 week, dome 1 week, LHP 1 week, RHP 1 week until next class? Fabulous!
4. Interruptions OK? Yes, the sun WILL stay where it's at, going back to the crown if ignored for about half an hour. But if the phone rings often, perhaps it'd be better to take it off the hook, since it isn't good to shift gears fast.
5. What WERE the two mudras? The left is on the heart as the heart was the center of activity when we were dealing with the LHP, and the right is on the solar plexus because the RHP deals with the nerves. He assumed I'd remembered those connections (remembered Rich saying: "I didn't even think we'd HAD some of the stuff he talked about later."), and then said that the right was ON the left so that the right, nerve, hand would protect even the left, heart, hand. I said that the party was great, and thanked him for it, and he said he had a fabulous time. I asked if they'd be available for questions before the 10th, and he said they'd be due back the 4th, but depending on the amount of work they had to put the center back together they might not be available until the 5th, but he concluded with "It's always good to have you call and to answer your questions; they're good questions." I thanked him, wished him a good vacation back on the West Coast, and was glad that I didn't use nearly the amount of self-apology that I usually did, but he might have sensed some reticence on my part and still felt that I needed encouragement, and I hug up the phone practically DANCING with lightness, and I hope that his sense of accomplishment with ME is as great as MY sense of accomplishment with HIM. And my fantasies of meeting (and impressing) Russell have started already, replacing Werner as "the powerful person that I'll seduce." How TACKY!
DIARY 11528
12/24/76
ACTUALISM THOUGHTS ABOUT COSMIC FATHER
I don't seem to get the CHARGE from the Cosmic Father as I do from the other faculties. But this morning's exercise struck me with a number of things:
1. the "frosted gold" of the crown before suddenly changed into a LIQUID, HEAVY, GLINTING gold color this time, and I wonder if such picture-changes help?
2. it occurs to me that my MIND wanders a lot while doing this, but my MIND may be wandering while my BEING wanders a lot while doing this, but my MIND may be wandering while my BEING is working happily in a perfectly correct way, with the energies that I just INDICATED and then LET, so much so that my mind is actually LET FREE to wander as IT wants to, while the light-worker within is groveling at the time and energies at HIS disposal while the mind is kept OUT of it by noodling away on its memories, fantasies, distractions.
3. there's an impression of STERNNESS and SOLEMNITY about it, suddenly, and I wonder now much that might have to do with my pictures of MY father, of the COSMIC father, or of my reactions of figures ABOVE IN AUTHORITY. Or if it might have some connection with where I am in the work with the CF.
4. there seems to be a positive DELIGHT in the counterclockwise spinning, and I remember my I Ching responses of "Peeling off" and I can hope that lots of low-frequency influences are being spun off in this work. But the lack of intensity of feelings at the clockwise spin makes me wonder if there just isn't a lack of high-frequency energy "around" me to assimilate. I wonder if the energy assimilated is "free" or if it comes from the Lighted Being within, and is therefore inexhaustible, and I'm cheating myself of it if I think that "it doesn't feel like it wants any more" and I stop "too soon." Want to save these pages and glean questions for the teachers when they get back from the West Coast. Also
5. wonder about the meaning of the phrase "release the energy into the energy systems of the planet." Does that mean I generate it in order to TRANSMIT all of it, part of it? Can anything more be said to me about this at this time?
6. glad of the opportunity to work back over these: they feel different now that I've had more to work with, and my ease and comfort with the Radiant Warrior now find lots of comparisons in my work with the others achieved.
DIARY 11542
1/1/77
ACTUALISM THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LEFT HAND OF THE PHYSICIAN
As a companion piece to DIARY 11528, I had these thoughts working with the "ruby-red light" from 9:15 to 9:40 this morning: This, too, like the Cosmic Father, seems to come RELUCTANTLY, and I wonder if it has any connection with the emphasis on the HEART (which I think of it in terms of, rather than the "biological repair" aspect), with the comment that my heart felt like a SOLID BLOCK, without sensation, when Jim did the handwork on me after that lesson. Again feel the typical tingling in the soles of my feet when the energy "flows through," and then I think of "opening" the feet more as a screen sliding across holes in the soles, rather than the jaws of a digger opening to spill things out, and I'm wondering if my "later ideas" have any greater relation to "reality" than my "first thoughts before practicing." Anyway, the feet close and the tingling stops, and I have trouble keeping the darn thing spinning COUNTERCLOCKWISE. It STARTS OK, then when I think AGAIN about it, it might "think" to spin clockwise for a second before my mind says, "No, the OTHER way." There's no comparable problem clockwise: it's always clockwise, without confusion. Try to mentally or physically discern some difference when the star is spinning ABOVE OR BELOW the body as opposed to IN the body, but sense no difference, except that I seem to relax more, take deeper breaths in more ease, when the stars are coursing through my lower and upper body in ANY energy manifestation. Come up with the SHARP realization that a body filled with LIQUID can retain it after the liquid-shower stops, but if the body's filled with LIGHT and the light stops flowing, there's no light RETENTION (unless, in Actualism, there IS. ASK about this! Certainly think that my mind is pulling a number on me, and even come up with a "Dark Night of the Soul" kind of wonderment about the idea of SURRENDER and DESPAIR that I think about (see DIARY 11543) for a few moments. As usual, I have trouble GETTING INTO it: think that I'll do it, get into position, and my mind frantically wanders all over for about 10 minutes, until I say "STOP it, let's get ON with it so that I can get to something ELSE" and then it consents to be used---though I sort of speed up the end because it IS close to the end. Wonder about the relation between what I think and what it DOES. There seems to be a new idea of "let" in "think and let" on 1/3: I "put it" and then my mind is "free" (though not ENCOURAGED) to wander in thought while the light WORKS. ASK about this. Does it lag behind when I "think" it instantly 12 feet below? does it spin furiously when I "think" it turning lugubriously? does it operate, in "fact" in its OWN way while I just give it the SPACE to operate as my LIGHT-BEING wants?
DIARY 11559
1/11/77
ACTUALISM #6
Joke with Malcolm and Jim sitting in the lobby, and we're up at 7:55 to find a tanned Allen from Rio and a natty Matthew from Roosevelt Island talking about Matthew borrowing his car and organizing some sort of concert or sports event ("if you play soccer or football," Matthew says butchly, "You have to know about these things."). Dorothy comes in and is introduced by Jan, who announces that the "middle price" of $12.50 has been extended in both directions: it'll take about 20 people to bring it back to $10, so it'll never go BACK to $10, but they've lowered it even BELOW 6 people so that it'll probably NOT go up to $15 for us in the foreseeable future. I ask if Dorothy's visiting or joining the group, and she smiles and says it's the latter. Which seems good, since Hazel is so out of it that she wants to "give her report" to Jan afterward, probably to say she's not coming back. Charles is still not there, and Janni and Rich haven't shown up, either, so we're a cozy group of 7: Allan/Bob/Dorothy, Hazel/Jim, Malcolm/Matthew. Jan talks about the wisdom light, and about the inverse of the wisdom light, which is anxiety ranging from a mild concern to a total panic of flight, and I tell later about how I'd felt this strange sense of ANXIETY for a few hours before the class, prefiguring the class material, just as I smile at Malcolm and Jim for anticipating the announcement that the hotel has kindly requested we not gather in the hall, but in the lobby, and come up at 7:55. The class before starts at 5:30 and should be out by then. She talks of the "electric blue" light, and I ask what color that IS, and it's the spark of electricity or the flash of lightning, which is what I sort of got: light and clear. Then into what seems like a VERY long tape, 45 minutes at LEAST, since we're in about 8:20 and out about 9:10, but I hadn't really remembered EITHER time, and I'm EXTREMELY touched, to the point of large copious tears, when he insists that we ARE the being of light inside, we ARE the person of light who's created this personality/body to enjoy the world, out of love for our personality, and we should respond with love to the love the being of light sends us, and I get this warm (figuratively/emotionally, not physically) feeling in the est sense of realizing my body as a PIECE with which to play in the game of life: to enjoy the happiness, anxieties, suspense, hidings/findings that are possible on the game board of earth, and I really appreciated the FUN of the game, the POSSIBILITIES of the play, the GOODNESS of the player, the BASIC INTEGRITY of the piece (that's overstating it a bit; coming more from NOW than THEN). Jan announced a "new method of gathering awareness" and there doesn't seem to be so much emphasis on the "forebrain" as before, but there's still the "gathering" which I don't think of as scattered until a truck rumbles past or the wind (EXTREMELY heavy this night, and I worry about Dennis flying IN tonight!) rattles the windows or a record or instrument plays from another window and my attention (and that must be my awareness?) goes there instantly. Then after the star (and all stars seem to have down-pouring and consuming-fire aspects) has reached the zenith for the third time, it AGAIN goes down, but this time to center 9, centered in the body, and expands to 30 feet to totally fill the field, and I sense a bit of excitement from this change, and then he talks about "Beaming" of a directed line of this energy, straight ahead from the middle of the head, and even talks of a "Challenge Beam" with which "those who are enlightened will recognize those who are not beings of light, and those who are not enlightened will have to recognize that they're not enlightened." I remark about the STRENGTH of this, saying that it brings to MY mind something that's always been there, namely that the teachers MUST be able to see these beams and rays and stars in order to TEACH about it, and that sort of freaks me out. Jan looks at me impassively, then I got a bit uncomfortable when Jim says he didn't sense ANYTHING from the beam, and Jan suggests he go inside and beam to her while she beams to him, and then he says he didn't FEEL anything, but that he thought something was happening, and I somehow felt that SHE didn't carry through HER end of the deal; that SHE wasn't seeing or doing what she should (this is probably VERY unfair, but there it is), though she looked, to my relief, much more relaxed than she did when she was at the Christmas party with black circles under her eyes. Then said to sit in the expanded star and take a break. I take out my handkerchief and rest my face in it, then get up for a drink of warm water (it always seems so DRY in that apartment!) and don't really look at anyone, almost embarrassed to see if THEY have a beam or if they can see whether I have a beam or not. She starts the "reports" with Allen, and he voices MANY reservations. Saying Russell's voice puts him to sleep and Jan says that's VERY subjective; some feel he's boring, others FASCINATING, some ABOVE him, some BELOW him. It's all OK. Yet he's taking the est view of "But I like it, so I'm here." She says he's coming from the inverse of the Wisdom light, and that THIS week will be the one in which all the questions and reservations and blocks will come up to be processed, but NOT faster than we can handle them. "Intellectuals will have problem with UNDERSTANDING; remember it's EARLY yet, you can't have it all at once, you'll become CAPABLE of teaching (channeling energies, protecting) though you don't HAVE to become a teacher." I say I fear my voice may not support me and mention the anxiety before class, the power of the beaming, the doubt whether I have it ("You have it," she insists; "But I want to KNOW that I have it!" I think), the "challenge" of the "put up or shut up" of the lesson, AGAIN seeming to spurt ahead of where I think I am at comfortably. But that's part of the KICK of Actualism. And my voice DOES support me. Get involved in the question of "who's a being of light" and she says that EVERYONE has one, and my inference that there were people who were NOT beings of light was wrong, only people who weren't MANIFESTING their light. She says "In SOME life you were probably a Buddha-being. But not THIS one yet." I'm getting a better sense of EARTHING; retaining, infusing, containing the energies of the BEING OF LIGHT in the physical body/personality of the CREATED BEING, "taking" the energies so freely offered by the Being of Light and INCORPORATING (precisely! putting them INTO A BODY) them into the Personality. Dorothy still has resistances, she confesses (she's obviously been moved back, she "didn't really remember which energy" was this lesson); and Matthew delights in using the Radiant Warrior: to cut through traffic on the highway, get places on time, and find parking spots. Allen asks a poser: "Isn't it the same as positive thinking where do I get a parking space?" Jan lowers her head in the characteristic "thinking" (channeling?) mode and then raises it to say "The THOUGHTS might be good, but the THOUGHTS are from the BODY, the ENERGY is from the Being of Light." Perfect. When I talked about my STRENGTH of impression (and felt good when Jan sort of pooh-poohed the "visual thing" when Matthew said that blue was his favorite color (as he sits there dressed in yellows and reds) and he didn't SEE the color until the beaming, and she seemed to think that was fine. Actualism seems to need a personal trainer (Gurdjieff again!) in the same way TM does, to say that however it is that it hits you is OK for you if that's really the way it hits you. She seemed excited, and then when I questioned whether I "got it" she laughed and said "but you GOT it." I guess I did. The "5-lesson wrap-up" (which is not numbered, and might be given next week) was postponed from tonight to get us back from "vacation" (and she said she felt she was "coming home" when she got back to NYC, which was nice) with another energy. I'd settled into a sort of "this is the way it'll be" over the 4-week hiatus, but now again I'm on the "this is too quick, this is too much, I can't deal with this, this is too STRONG" end of it (though I'll admit to strong thoughts of "this isn't working at all, why am I here?" that everyone ELSE confessed to; though I feel I'm setting myself somewhat apart from the others by my enthusiasm and emotions tonight---and is it only my imagination that Jan seems to look at me longer and fuller than at the others? Or is it just that I'm sitting on her left hand?). But where in the past few weeks there were touches of "maybe I'll go once more and that's it," tonight was so energetic that I immediately call Pope and ask him to come along to the intro on Sunday, to accompany me (since Dennis will be living here and won't be going to the intro again) maybe with BobR, and spread the news about how GREAT it is. Strangely, I don't TELL him how great it was, just get his word that he'll come on Sunday, even if I have to play Scrabble with him in the meantime. She starts talking about the body sessions with "oil or without oil" and a "heavy duty" vibrator at $15, and I want one before next week, so I sign up for Sunday, and it all works out. Rather than getting the "stuff for the energy" AFTER, I sure wish I had some of the "wisdom light" while I was working through CHRISTMAS, but I used it afterward in the proofreading, and I managed to work through until 3:50 without EXTRAORDINARY discomfort, feeling GOOD about finishing it just in CASE Dennis surprises me by coming HERE from the airport at something like 8 am and taking up INDEX time. DYNAMITE SESSION #6!!
DIARY 11573
1/19/77
ACTUALISM BODY SESSION
Rebecca isn't there so Bruce gives me a back session, starting by asking which energy I'd like to work with. I suggested the Wisdom light, but he said that wouldn't be good. I felt best with the Radiant Warrior, but he said I should take one of the Physician's hands, which I had worked with the least, and I say the left, and he muses "Ruby red" and I agree, wondering if I could have come up instantly with the color if he'd asked me. I strip to my shorts and lie on the bed on my stomach, blanket drawn up as directed, feeling comfortable under the orange-heat bulb in the fixture above. Then he comes in about 12:50 (Pope's getting oriented in the OTHER bedroom with an old fart in a blond wig and a young girl; the first takes the course, and neither Pope nor the girl do; Pope said Jan gave the intro as if she'd memorized it), and asks if I'd had any other kind of bodywork before, and I said Rolfing, to which he responded that this wouldn't be nearly so intense. He moves around, rests his hands between my neck-nape and buttocks, saying that I should filter the light down through my body, involving the consuming fire if I felt obstruction, and then he started kneading the left side of my back, starting at the neck, with a pressure intermediate between a regular massage and Rolfing, sometimes going deeply enough for me to feel a typical "hot rod sheathed in flesh" pang of some bound-up ligament or facie, but in general I just lay there, hoping I'm cooperating with my weak light. He moves down, going along the back, rotating my shoulder and brushing me down, letting me feel VERY relaxed along that side, contorted on the right. Hits a kink in the back, then down to the buttocks and leg, and he swings around my hip joint and I feel regular on that side and twisted on the other. Down the other side, he's pressing on the back and I say my throat binds, and he so quickly responds that that's the back of the solar plexus, which connects with the nerves of communication, that I smile. He asks how I feel at various times and I seem to give satisfactory answers. Then about 2 he leaves me to relax for 10 minutes, then tells me to dress, and I write out the check. Nothing much compared to Rolfing, but pleasant, and the kink in the back felt better, and Pope said the old thing about my looking better afterwards. Next I might try some specialized area like the hands, which get bound up typing.
DIARY 11575
1/19/77
ACTUALISM #6.5
Get a poor feeling on the way home: why couldn't I have gotten into Actualism earlier when it was pure: now it's stretched out with these intensive sessions, made more expensive with all the body workshops, made formalized by the years of doing the easy thing and getting too many people to handle and being forced to come up with body work. Since Rich returns and both Hazel and Allan are still in (though Allan isn't there, panicking Matthew, who's left one set of keys with Allan and one set locked in his office, expecting Allan to be there, but he couldn't make it in from the island in the 8 weather that's left my windows a solid sheet of ice), so we're still 8: Allan/Bob/Dorothy, Malcolm/Matthew, Hazel/Jim/Rich. Jan says that we're going to take the Wisdom light (after asking us how we'd done, and I say I've had surprisingly LITTLE trouble, and she says "Sounds strange enough to be true," and I get the weird idea that she KNOWS I'm lying, that I had worked with it hardly at all, and is just too gentle to totally call me on it) and make it apparent to the SENSES, and we gather awareness into the forebrain, send the love back and forth between creator and created, and then start to go after it in SIGHT (I get nothing), in SOUND (I hear something outside like sand falling on tin, and assume that's good enough), in SMELL, and just at the END of an inhalation I get a SENSE of something sweet, and when she goes into taste I sort of drop down my jaw and my mouth starts watering, which she talks about, and THEN I get a sense of the smell, just as she asks me what I'm experiencing, so I tell her that, and she laughs again. "Pose a question," and expand presence. I ask "I don't have enought TIME" and get a laugh: "You've got all the time there IS." Good technique! Others get greater or lesser responses from it, and Jim asks a question which Rebecca chimes in for the answer, talking for about 15 minutes, which couldn't possibly have made Jan happy, and she seems like a real nosy busybody, but experienced and intense and rather charming. Pictures from the party are there and I'm looking very jowly, which Jim loves. Get him again for the brushdown and am really put off by his fair creamy skin with the cold sores reddening his nose. Over surprisingly early at 9:25, and, as I said, I really don't care for these seemingly periodic "reviews" and intenser summaries.
DIARY 11587
1/31/77
ACTUALISM #7
Allan and Matthew are talking in the lobby of the lady's room, which is rather funny, and Hazel comes out dressed in a beautiful lime-green suit. I ask them for $1.50 and Allan gives it to me, saying I'll have to repay Matthew, since the only reason he CAME was because Matthew was coming (which immediately makes me feel better, since I'd thought they'd met and been attracted to each other THERE, and I felt left out!), and he wasn't getting ANYTHING out of it, he wasn't practicing the lightwork, and he wasn't coming back. Pity. Up at 8 to get a talk from Jan (we seem to be having her VERY often recently, though Bruce's taking in the money) to say that the $12.50 rate is for 7-11 people, and we're no longer over 7: Malcolm's in rehearsal but is still in the group, Janni is gone, Hazel is going (though she's coming next week) because of a schedule conflict (I BET she is), and Dorothy and Rich are auditing (which I guess means they don't pay the full price, but she doesn't SAY that), and we might be back to 7 when we reach either lesson 11 or 14, which was when THEY stopped to return (I think it was Dorothy 11 and Rich 14, but I'm not sure). She suggests that we could go to every other week or three times a month if money was a problem, and Jim says 3 times a month is fine, I plump for every week, with the idea of catching up with the group AHEAD of us, since the group BEHIND us hasn't even started yet, because of the Christmas vacations. Then she gets to Allan and HE says he's leaving, and Dorothy would as soon continue every week, so we continue every week, and the group NOW looks like ONLY Bob/Jim, Matthew/Malcolm, with Dorothy/Rich as the auditors! Without reports of what's been going on, we get into the new work, and I really feel that I am the Being of Light looking DOWN on my creation, the body and the personality. STRONG. Get into the emerald green of Objective Creative Energy, and come up with new orientations of the LEFT being magnetic, attracting energy that we can use to produce objective creativity; and the RIGHT being dynamic, sending out the energy that we've formed into our own uses, getting what we want from it, whether it be results, books, money, fame, or whatever. Russell sounds pretty lively on the tape, though there's one place where a phone rings in the background and he sort of snorts and you can hear the tape going off and then he comes back and resumes. Jan continues with a workshop after the break in which we send magnetic to her magnetic, and there are some faltering answers around the room for effects, but I just feel the distance between the two. The dynamic feels more direct, and then she says to send dynamic to magnetic and magnetic to dynamic, and I get an instant image of circulation of energies, and she asks me, and I say "image" and she instantly counters "that's not an image, that's a direct perception," and my mind shouts "No" for a second, and then the "let" comes in and everything's fine. Share this at the end, and then say I have other questions, and she encourages them, so I say that I've reached "new levels of let" in the exercises, and feel that it's OK to put the light where it's working, then LET the mind wander off, and then come back to move it. She doesn't seem delighted, but (de-lighted, get it!!) says that eventually the mind will become less distracted and more one-pointed and the distractions will ease off. I then ask about the "permission" to let the mind pay attention to sounds outside, and she says that's fine, but again it will drop away in time, since it IS something that takes part of the one-pointedness away from the forces gathered in the forebrain. Allan says that HE never feels the various aches and pains that everyone seems to talk about (nor do I), and I wonder about my lack of gas, too, when processing. But when he suggests that he HAS no blockages to cause pain, she gets SUCH a look of "Well, REALLY!" on her face that I rather dislike it. I finish questioning when I get to the est-associated questions, and later Jim and Rich gather around and say they LOVE my questions, because it's just what they'd been thinking of asking, but I'd asked them much better than they could have. Nice strokes. Get to brush Matthew down, and he HAS a body under all those clothes, a quite nice chest and a nice taper to the waist, so he might be interesting to see in bed. On the way out, say to Allan "Since I probably won't be seeing you again, don't consider this off the wall, just "let," but do you like orgies?" He actually glanced to Matthew and said, pointedly, "Not at this time, but thank you, maybe some other time." Down in the lobby Jim says something about sheets, and I go back and get one from Bruce, since Jan's talking with Allan in another room while Matthew waits, childlike, outside.
