Actualism notes
DIARY 14011
1/28/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She's drinking tea and I have some, drying off a bit, and then she's onto the table, handing me her watch with a laugh, and John had been VERY cheery talking with me before, a rather attractive person who talks about his ex-wife and two male children a bit ostentatiously. She wants to work in Cosmic Father, so that's where we are, and I don't feel like talking too much and she doesn't respond too much, except to move over a bit too far on the table to allow me the least space to sit down, bunching up her shoulders laterally which makes it a greater pain to straighten out. Go in pretty deeply and at one point she says to go lighter, but she winces only a little at my increased pressure, but moves hardly at all on the pelvic rotation again. I can feel my pants still wet around my calves, where the denim bells out and doesn't contact my legs as it does around my thighs, but it's warm enough in the room so that I'm not uncomfortable. She'd said before that maybe we could exchange, but I said that since there wasn't any class, I could get some of the makeups done, so I'd have a session Monday from Bob Dukes and Friday from Pat Mandino, and though she seemed somewhat quieted, she didn't seem exactly disappointed enough to repeat any arguments about it. Feel proud that I seem to have the gathering down absolutely word perfect, and I check it now to find that it's ALMOST to the word: I may not use EXACTLY as many of the "focuses" that seem to have replaced the "experience" as the word that's always repeated. But comparing the gathering I give with ALL the others, it's significantly closer to the words they say are Russell's that are to be used. But I still have to THINK when I say that you focus on the neural pathways, enlightening the ... SENSORY awareness, and then the FEELING awareness that comes later, and maybe when I REALIZE fully the difference between those two words, I'll have come a deal of the way toward EXPERIENCING the two of them as separate, unique, compelling, actual, and yet interrelating modes of total experience. Have more tea with her later, she asks for Richard Hilty's name, and we have lots of fun together till I leave.
DIARY 14014
1/28/79
ACTUALISM NHS TO BRUCE LIEBER
He wants to work in Cosmic Father, and I think that's appropriate because he sort of looks at me as a father, though trying to be MY father in that he's ahead of me in the Actualism work and got me into it. And part of his activation about going to California and moving into a class that's equal with mine is just possibly due to his depression about my having caught up with him? He adjusts his shorts around his legs a lot, as if he'd read in my last page on him that I could peer down through the folds, if I felt so inclined, which I didn't, and see how he was cock-wise, but I kept to the business and listened as he commented about various things that were going on in his neck and spine, and I could only say that I thought his neck was SHORTER than before: there didn't seem to be ANY space to smooth out along the center of the trapezius, and I didn't feel anything LIKE buttons when I went in for the only-three circles on the spinal ends. I really dug into his neck and he said that I could go a bit lighter there, and I felt lots of things interfering with the clear channel of his spine, but he didn't say much about it. Mentioned the differences in buttock-types between guys and gals, and he said that I could go sort of heavily into his nates, too, so I did. Finished in about 45 minutes, so I joked "You can have any section you want repeated," and he said "Huh?" so stupidly that the only thing I could say was "I was joking, forget it." He said his head was VERY filled up with a cold he'd been having, and I said lots about how great the surgery was with Alice on the thyroids, which he was having on Monday, and he wanted to know more about it but I said I'd only activate him more if I talked about it, and went inside and decided that I was playing some nasty sort of one-upmanship with him, and didn't say much at all, though I was dying to. Told him about the Earth Point meeting and he said it was strange that I had so much going with it (as I had with Arthur taking care of a 9-year-old boy, as I passed on to Bruce), and he saw me taking some sort of active part in it, which I pooh-poohed, but who knows what the meeting on the 10th might bring---and I find myself thinking how ARTIFICIAL the city is when I'm watching the series on Tutankhamen and how thoroughly ruled and in tune with the Nile and the Moon and the sun Egyptians were.
DIARY 14016
1/28/79
ACTUALISM NHS FROM PAT MANDINO
Thank goodness it's not cold as I lay on the table, I say "I think Cosmic Mother" and she squeals like a kid in delight. "What center?" she asks. "Two?" She frowns and says "Should be below 4," and I say "Um, 7?" and she squeals louder, bounces in her chair, and claps her hands. She bears down with such force that I gasp out "Lighter" on the left spine and I swear she goes in heavier, and I say "Lighter!" again, and she says "If I go any heavier I'll be balanced on my elbow, and I said, "I said LIGHTER" and she thought I'd said HARDER!! She has no sense of where she is in my neck, going halfway down my backbone past D1, kills my spine so that I have to flop like a fish to get the kinks out, and goes so lightly on my hips that she might as well not be there. I clench my teeth and try to relax into it to get through the spine, saying "This is the last time I have to get a session from her: I can say that I'm getting at least one a week from Dorothy Hunter and have makeups to get from Bruce and Dorothy Kent and Arthur, so she'll just have to wait on line" to myself to get me through it. Not only that, when she sits on my table it groans so much I'm really afraid she'll break through it. I tell this to her at the end and she says she's very disappointed, since I'm the only one she's trading with, but I know she said she HAD customers, so it's up to her to get someone else who wants to trade with her, but it won't be me. She can pay for ME to do HER if she wants, but if we don't TRADE I won't have to submit to her thick elbow again. She raises my chin all out of proportion and then doesn't even TOUCH it, and she does the brushdowns about 4 very cloying times that brings up more than it tones down in me. She wants to please me, says that lots is going on in her pelvic area since she doesn't have her boyfriend anymore, but I'M NOT A CANDIDATE, so I don't have to please her. She can start looking out for herself! And I'm sorry I can't say it all to her, but it would have no effect; I'd be judgmental as hell without any good reason: the effect will be best if I just don't get a session from her again and plead business if she wants to get a session from me except in payment. She leaves me a sour-butter sourdough bread sandwich which she ate after she ate her bagel when she came over, wanting to share ANYTHING with me, and that kind of attention just drives me up the wall and across the ceiling.
DIARY 14035
2/1/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She looks up thinking I was Michael coming back to check on an appointment he's making on the phone with her, and she wants to work in wisdom, and it's only AFTERWARD that we three agree that we'll be having Center 4 work tonight, and indeed we do! She apologized in advance for her stomach rumbling, and I apologized in advance for my SMELLY RESULTS of a rumbling stomach, and we both laughed. The lower table seemed cramping for the gathering, since I had to bend, but it was soft and comfortable for the bodywork, so I'll probably use that rather than the awkwardly narrow higher table. Felt like I was really bearing down on the neck, and she "um"ed a lot while I worked on her. We both felt that she had LOTS of obstructions in the spine, and at one point I drew back, startled, and when she asked what happened, I said, "Something just surfaced for a bit, and I confused it with a second spine, so I had to make sure where I was." I pushed in on her right hip quite hard and she moved a bit, but I didn't feel I was in the right place, so I asked, "Am I too high?" and moved up, and she said, rather dryly, "Yes, you were right on the bone." Not the kind of comment to give me the confidence she'll say when something's hurting her. Really got into her neck on the right, popping her poppets as she went "Oh, oh, OH," in a rather orgasmic way, but she didn't say it was terribly uncomfortable. She asked if her feet were cold, which they were, but there was no blanket to cover her with when I saw shivers on her arms as I was doing the final brushdown, again finishing in 55 minutes including the assimilation, and then I went to the kitchen and chatted away with Michael, as I made tea (not to mention that she could hear the conversation through to the next room), and he said "So you don't have to assimilate after, either, which is what Roshanna says, but I have to sit down and be quiet for a bit." I just frankly said I really hadn't thought about it, but then thought that if I'm cheating anyone, it's only me: from the assimilating of the essence that I would have gotten from the session, and I'll have to remember not to do that again, though it's so easy to be chatty around the Rolfing Center.
DIARY 14036
2/1/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She's warmed the liquid in a pan, saying she wants to get a baby-bottle warmer to keep it hot for the front, but she put so much on the front that I felt the coolth of it as we rushed off for a cab afterwards, and there was a smattering of green on my undershirt in front, so I suppose her sheets have to be cleaned EACH time she uses it! I decided to work in Wisdom, too, and we again talked about the horrors of drinking too much, and I told her about the Indian dinner on Sunday that I felt slightly ill from. When I say that she's SO much better than Bob Dukes with the O-V, and that he was wishy-washy with his pressure, she made the attempt to go ever deeper, and it DID feel good, except that she pushed it to its brapping noise every so often. She remarked about the sores at the sides of my legs from the boots, and said when she found obstructions in my spine that I had some troubles, too, and I said that essentially it was two weeks since my last NHS, so I felt that I needed it. I hardly remembered the color of Wisdom at all, but hope that it was OK; my mind was certainly working all the time, SHE always goes to sleep at the right lower spine, and I usually conk out somewhere around my calves, as I did with the left one, giving that littler jerk that I sometimes give just before dropping (literally) off to sleep, and said, "That just means that I've come back." A rather quiet session, though a few comments had both of us laughing hysterically, and she appreciated Bob's reference to the "Cosmic goose," and I said I felt it in my second-biggest toe, but only in the vaguest sense. She said the arm felt better because people were more willing to move into their brachial plexus than into their rectal plexus ("I KNOW, just ASK me," she laughed), and I didn't have the nerve to tell her that she's given me new information: didn't know that the root "brachi" dealt with the arm! I "ouched" once for the sore on the leg, but she said she'd skipped over it, and she tickled the feet more than usual and pushed the vibrator DEEPLY into the stomach, which I thought may have been PART of the cause of the PAIN that I had during the SESSION later (see DIARY 14037), and then we made arrangements for 2 and 6 NEXT week officially.
DIARY 14037
2/1/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #7
Winston asked us right off if we were ready for Center 4, saying LATER that First Advanced was for the COLOR and the ENERGY, but Second Advanced is more a function of the CENTER, rather than the color. I talked to Alice afterward to clarify some points: the Diamond Continuity Axis that we got at the end of First Advanced is "within, without, and all about" the CENTRAL Vertical Axis, but we have to LIGHT the DCA before the Power Rays light up, all at once, within it. I didn't recall hearing anyone, either Winston or Russell, TELLING us to "light the DCA." Then I thought Russell had said "Then you encounter the Mental Body of the Planet," but Alice suggested he might have said "the NETWORK on the Mental Body of the Planet." When I said that Basic talked about sending Spiritual Atomic Explosions to the Organizational Center of the Planet, which might imply that the planet has a Center 4, to which he might be referring, she said "Well, the planet DOES have a center 4, but you're not getting in contact with that, you're getting in contact with the OTHERS on the network"---which she addressed in her "report" as saying she'd never really been SO aware of the strength and joy of this: meeting all the 4ths and 3rds and those ahead of us in 2nd who are ALREADY on the network, and we're joining them. When we got down to the Mental, my solar plexus felt like it had gas in it, and I moved around to try to bring it up but it wouldn't work. "Consume and withdraw identity." Still it was there, getting worse, shooting a hot finger up, back, and left to my heart, a bit down, forward and right to balance, and I thought "I might be left with this FOREVER." and began encountering the nightmarish "This will never end, I've really messed it up" of LSD and grass. Others reported pleasant trips with growing awareness. I particularly vibrated in sympathy to Russell's mention of "Love in understanding, understanding in love" with me and Dennis and indexing with others; and when he said "Love the images; they were created to serve you, now they have, so love them as you consign them to the fires," and since he had EARLIER said, "Your creation was created for the lessons you had to learn in this life," I thought of DEATH as something to be lovingly accepted when it comes at the end of the lesson, and Winston said that I might have been processing FEAR OF PAIN (since Fear is the inversion of Wisdom), and I sure have that going, and it would be nice if that DID go: fear of dentists, fear of the intermediate torment while a plane or train was crashing, fear of disease and even of more than ordinarily severe colds, or of injections, or of medical book illustrations. Margaret started setting herself up as a seeress and Barbara and Atarrah complimented each other on their burping, though neither is up to Lois yet.
DIARY 14039
2/2/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON BRUCE
He SAID 6:30, then called to say he'd be late, despite the fact I said I wanted to watch TV at 8, and then entered at 7:30, saying I was "activated" when I said quite frankly "You missed the time, I don't think we'll do it." There must be a difference between activation and proper annoyance! There must be ROOM for proper annoyance?! Alice, it seems, is sometimes properly annoyed, so THERE! Anyway, he begs, I think not, then he says "I could go on the table now, it'll take you 45 minutes, and you'll only miss 15 minutes of your program." If he wants it that badly, I'll do it. So he's on the table, revving up in Left hand, and I have to think that that's red, so he MUST want one as badly as he says, and I put on the heater and warm my hands and his neck doesn't seem so preternaturally short, there's a TERRIBLE smell as I go through some of his spinal obstructions, but both of us seem to be farting, and he's quite quiet through most of it, though he comments that my fingering on the left spinal knobs from the neck was just perfect, that when he winces it meant that I was going just a BIT too heavily, but "it's intense, and I didn't want to let you ease up very much." Go fairly quickly, he experiences a "true opening and relaxation on the left side" as opposed to the right, and he says (probably truly) that I GO INTO it annoyed and COME OUT OF IT more relaxed and accepting, which is true, since I DO think of it as a needed change from the concentration of the index, and I DO believe when I tell him as he leaves at 9:20 that I'm now more relaxed and ready to work, DESPITE the fact that he'd taken me away from the job for 2 hours, but 1 hour was for TV ANYWAY, and I couldn't have dismissed him COMPLETELY without his usual spiel of "things are really changing in an AMAZING way now, I met a woman who's just INCREDIBLE at the local health-food store, divorced from the man who owns it; and I now know that I don't have to OVER-DRAMATIZE anything, that I can be calm about it." Yes, Bruce. But he liked the session, will find out about the trade over the weekend, is concerned somehow about Dorothy's lack of a roommate now that Susan seems to be moving to California, and liked the consideration I showed him when he made it clear how much he DID want the session.
DIARY 14046
2/5/79
ACTUALISM SURGERY ON UPPER DIGESTIVE TRACT WITH ALICE
Told her my fantasy was to do the brain series, but she said it was the "cranial nerve" series, but that was VERY fine-tuned and I'd be better going through some of the EMOTIONAL connected series like the digestive and the generative, so she figured the digestive, showing me (with a creak of the knees as she squatted next to my chair) the diagram (saying that Maya's friend had made her a copy of the book, one less thing to xerox) of the pipes of the trachea and larynx and pharynx (which two she got always confused, she confessed) and stomach and gallbladder down to the duodenum, and then said it had lots to do with early breast feeding, and I told her of NOT having a breast, being 6 weeks premature and being in an incubator given mother's milk from a bottle, and she said I'd have a LOT to process. Then she ALSO said it was attached to survival (food, eating, kill-or-be-killed) so that it also jiggled the seals on hate-rage-kill, and I said for me that was probably REALLY sealed, since I hardly ever get into "hate his guts." She gathered in a nebbishy way, I had no trouble concentrating with closed eyes, but later I kept spacing out when nothing much happened, and I told her I was dealing with the typical frustration of thinking I should be feeling more and feeling nothing, thus either I needed more EXPERIENCE or I wasn't DOING anything. "Oh, I know you're processing, because I'M seeing things," she said, "but you can bring in the red again tonight and see what you can acknowledge over the next few DAYS, since brain-mind can help to EARTH the lessons you get in consciousness here.' I mentioned a tightness in the throat at one point, and she said, "Yes, I noticed that, let's work with it more," and didn't say much else, saying she felt it was good. I scheduled another session next week, wondering whether it might not be too fast, and kept wondering what to do this afternoon: treat myself to restaurant and TKTS play, to go to "Body Snatchers" in Brooklyn (which was good that I avoided, since it seemed not to be there anymore), but decided to go home and get STUFF done that I NEEDED alone-time to do, and save entertainment time for Dennis and others, and she encouraged me and I left, feeling not-a-little frustrated about the "calmness" of the session compared with the fireworks of times before.
DIARY 14049
2/5/79
AMY'S INTERVIEW WITHY ACTUALISM TEACHERS
She complimented Rebekah for having come to an actual reading ("She was sensitive and psychic herself," said Amy.), and said that she finally exploded at Winston for pooh-poohing her readings when Susan blurted out "Get a reading" when Robbie asked how to get her boyfriend into Actualism, since Bill had just been zapped back into Actualism (and out again) by Amy's first reading. Winston called and asked if she'd talk about it with him and Alice, so they asked her what she did, and "They were surprised at my source of information. They couldn't say anything against it if my Incarnating Ego decided to tell me such things about people. I told them how I could see that Bill wanted verification, so I told him about his relatives and his apartment---and Alice leaned forward and said "You mean you can just GO there??" and I said that I could." She said that people had to deal with their idealized---IDEALIZED, I said---and she said that might be only a part of it, my not liking my own talents (and I said that I came to think of MY antisocial behavior, homosexuality, in a positive way, as she should come to think of HER frowned-upon-by-society's gift for seeing), but that people who were WAY advanced in the work might feel that SHE wasn't very far along and could do it so much EASIER than they could. So they sort of said, "Hurry up and get your stuff processed and become a teacher," and I told her I'd never heard them tell ANYONE that they'd make a good teacher. She seemed pleased at my reception of it, said that they would have preferred that she NOT give readings, because it confused things, but they seemed satisfied that she spoke with love and understanding, and people would have to deal with it. They talked about an hour, SHE talked to me LATER about how she PREFERRED it "on the other side," with her youngest sister who committed suicide because of the family traumas (and Alice said "You've really WORKED to get where you got, as did the therapist, who recommended that Adam go into PRIVATE therapy to move his life as much as she moved HERS), and others that she loved, and she doesn't like the FUSS of this life: the clothes and lessons and money, which I said I still liked a lot, so I'd want to stay around until it felt MORE like shuffling off than it did NOW! She said a NUMBER of times how nice it was to have me around, how glad she was to be back, how happy I seemed; it was nice.
DIARY 14056
2/13/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON DOROTHY HUNTER
I tell her to take the low table again, but this time I find that it's too soft: when I sit down NEXT to her I sink so low that she sort of rolls into me and I end up sitting on her arm. But this time when Michael passes me when I've just finished, I say quite shortly, "I've just finished with Dorothy and I'm assimilating," and he said "I didn't even know she was HERE!" I'd crowed about how beautiful the snow was this morning and she said she was out in it too, and the excessive heat in the room actually felt pretty good. She still had a lot of stuff going on with her spine, but for some reason I didn't really feel like going too roughly on her: so I just went through the patterns (and she asked for it to be in Wisdom again, which I find strangely unaffecting, but when did I think that Wisdom should be SENSUAL?) and felt a tiny bit of sleepiness at times, and wondered how it was that I'd started out doing SO MANY and getting so much out of it. But her body is beginning to be "the same": neck VERY easy to work on, feeling the spine-nubbing with great clarity, as if she had no loads up there, and then getting into a loaded spine and a VERY loaded buttocks, so that I really bear down and feel that nothing I can do will ever break up the lumps there, particularly those that feel like BELTS running perpendicular to the line of her sacrum along the top line of the buttocks. She only gives about 2 hip wriggles now, so she still doesn't like them. I'm wondering if I could somehow get OUT of this thing I'm into with her, though what she does for ME I do like, but wonder if I could PAY her so I wouldn't have to go through these questioning sessions with her: does she like what I'm doing; should it be heavier to benefit her more; should it be lighter to be more affectionate with her; am I in the right places; why does all the zing seem to have gone out of it? She shows me photos of her chubby granddaughter, saying that THIS daughter had been fat as a baby and was VERY thin now, so that effect of "babies keeping all their fat cells" only happens after a certain age, and it didn't happen to her daughter, who lost weight when she started walking. But she IS nice with her tea and honey and even took a copy of the indexing instructions to see if she could make anything of them.
DIARY 14058
2/14/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She opens the window just a crack because it's so hot, then closes it when I say I'm beginning to feel cool with the evaporation of the loads of green slime she coats me with. She has trouble with the vibrator through most of the left side: it burrs and goes off, presses in without going on, and rubs the wrong way a few times, and finally I look at it and suggest she hold the wire up along the handle so the wire-facing with the machine can't move around, and she wraps it around a few times to hold it and that seems to solve the problem, but she said she'd put it away for the first time in ages when she began giving a lot of NHS sessions and possibly it was feeling neglected, so she apologized to it. I just now thought that the constant TWISTING the wire exerts on the housing, the way she uses it, must put a great strain on the insulation. She says I have a lot of things in my spine, working hard on them, and I say that I haven't had a single session since hers last time, not to mention that I feel I'm under an awful strain by starting out Andre, Barbara, and maybe her in indexing, while having three of my own that have to be in by Monday. I don't think I slip off at all, though she calls me once or twice, but I give a lot of heavy sighs and can feel lots of the tensions dropping away and again feel glad that I have this arrangement with her, even though I have to come to HER all the time and she doesn't seem to give me much feedback on HER sessions (see DIARY 14056), but then I think that I haven't given HER much feedback (the honeymoon being over?) the last couple times, so I make a point again of saying how great her sessions are and how good she makes me feel and how glad I am that she does them for me. She seems to like it. She looks ahead on the calendar and says she might want to go to Florida around March 21, when we're off the next sequence of times, and I'm wondering if she's vaguely wondering if I'd like to come with her, though I might be TERRIBLY paranoid (after my experience with Pat Mandino and Susan Lieber?) about how much the females who do my body and submit to my personality WANT TO BE WITH ME after the first few times. But I'm wide awake in class afterwards, which is the main thing (see DIARY 14059) that these sessions are IDEAL for.
DIARY 14059
2/14/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #8
Winston says "For those of you who thought something big was coming, here's the Personality Recognition" and everyone goes "ohhh" and he describes the Personality in terms so that it sounds like everything formerly called the CREATION, so I ask, and Alice says that it's only SOUL AND BELOW that's Personality, but that the OTHER, HIGHER dimensions are ALSO part of Creation, which causes me a brief flurry of thought, but that the Being of Light, or the Immortal One that we are (and only now does the flavor of the ONE of WE come through, rather than the One that EACH of us may INDIVIDUALLY be?) is different from all this. The class is QUITE clear (even though I have my eyes open I miss Cathy blowing a bubble, which causes Winston to break up, Alice to convulse in laughter which I THINK might be simple support of Winston, rather than making him WRONG for breaking up!) to me (though when I practice I find there are foggy edges to some sections), and say so. Maureen is funny with mascara dribbled down one cheek, Tony says he's NEVER felt it so hot, Marilyn says she feels a new opening and significance, and Barbara feels she has to write EVERYTHING down or she wouldn't have remembered any of it. I tell Alice before class that I feel VERY loaded (with things to do), and she quite rightly takes it as being loaded with PROCESSING (which might be connected with it) and says that the surgery will be GREAT with it, so I feel more accepted by her (though the next opening on her schedule isn't until March 5!). Michael's goodies are a welcome relief during the break, Atarah goes through a VERY slow brushdown, and I'm sorry I sat next to her with her basso burping, and I don't let myself hassle myself because I didn't get very much out of it (though there were a few touching moments whose details I forget now), since I'm now into my "when it starts it's very vague, but by the time it finishes I'm really getting lots out of it" series of images, which I hope goes soon. Margaret didn't show up "because of the storm," and a few people are offering Maureen places to stay, but the storm really isn't that bad, but I'm glad I don't have to slog up to Don's to pick up the cards because it's too late. And Winston thought we ALL knew we started at 8, but when he ASKED, we DIDN'T, so I refrained from going "nyah!"
DIARY 14063
2/14/79
ACTUALISM DUODENUM TO ILEOCECAL VALVE SURGERY WITH ALICE
She shows me the area, which includes mainly the small intestine, including the appendix, and she says it's mainly to do with ASSIMILATION, as the next has mainly to do with ELIMINATION, and that this might represent a turnaround in my assimilating abilities. She again gets into the emotional content of the system, concentrating on hate-rage-kill reactions that we've put the seal on, and I think we might come up with something, since I'm feeling quite emotional---mentioning that recently when I release outside dynamics and harmonize my dynamics from outside magnetics, I feel touched and emotional, and she wisely doesn't even bother to analyze it, complimenting me for the sensory and feeling reactions I've gotten, and more or less telling me to just enjoy them without figuring out what's causing them. She wonders why the ascending colon DOES ascend, rather than "going right across" and I think THEN to say that it might help the WATER DRAIN from the wastes through gravity (since the ascending colon IS responsible for water absorption according to naturopathy), and NOW I intuit that it raises the wastes so that gravity can assist in their DISCHARGE from the end of the large intestine into the colon. Wonder vaguely how these tubes evolved into the positions they have through the phyla. Get a few itches and twitches, and cry a few tears at times, but mostly it's a quiet session, and I'm not saying much either, but when she thinks of something to say she just sort of rambles on and on saying what comes to mind, sounding more and more like some sort of Bible belt fundamentalist with her talks of Jesus and hate-rage in the simplest sort of acceptances. She finishes right on the dot of 4 and asks if I don't think I can assimilate, and she's back quickly at 4:07 saying I'm finished, though we didn't start until 3:15 when she was giving me the book to be xeroxed and talking about other parts of her business. She DOES so enjoy talking, but as Bruce says sometimes it gets difficult to follow what she's saying, and it doesn't seem to be TOTALLY enlightened at times, either. She DOES say that I should get rid of my "When I start something it's poor, but it builds to a good climax" images, which sounds proper.
DIARY 14067
2/18/79
ACTUALISM: EARTH POINT MEETING WITH JON GILLIAM
Jon Gilliam's lightly clad in a torso-fitting (and he's not bad, but he's not terrific, either) silk shirt, light trousers, patent leather shoes, and complaints about the cold. Bryan Gooding is shorter and cuter, with a bit of a crotch but a wife too, though Jon's rather blatantly not married, it seems, and Kathy Otto is sharp-faced and tiny-eyed, though Bruce talked to her later and found "Someone very warm" underneath. I take a luxuriously produced (printing compliments of Tom Packard of Marfield/Dallas) Earth*Point brochure, and get turned off when it's predicated on "severe economic times " and we'll not need defenses since "with lightworkers, who could attack us," though when Joan Ann asks about nuclear weapons, they quickly concede defeat. I take notes: 4:15 a tacky Gathering by Alice, taking too long, and by 4:20 the start of the presentation with 28 people and Alice and 3 presenters: Jon and Bryan and Cathy. They want to START with 25, with 15,000 acres and living for 1000 people, since they figure that 125 people will be needed to RUN the agribusiness and 7x that, or 875, needed for support. They want a feasibility study in 6-12 months (though they want to present it to the summer, 1979, meeting of the Fourths, as the book calls them), and could have total implementation in 18-24 months FROM that. Joan Ann asks about burying the city for atomic protection. DOLLARS, he says, are 15 times GREATER than the next-highest concentration of money on the world money markets(?). US produces 65% of world's food(?)! THEY'RE doing layered overlaps for environmental and economic factors (will be done in 4-5 weeks), and find the location in 2-3 months. Joan Ann talks of Radionics to control bugs after the government turned its back on it. Later: Earth-Point FRANCHISES!! The school is NOW 700-800 strong, "in a couple of years 200,000-300,000(!), and we can "move into Reality World and practice our tools and kill them animals." "We gotta generate revenue and outdistance inflation." "Talk's cheap, but it takes money to buy whiskey. If they gotta eat meat, why not eat ORGANICALLY BRED meat?" Their idea of "financing Actualism's growth" sound like a PUT up! The talk of "Light" and "imprint" makes it seem wrong NOT to help, but New Yorkers on a FARM just don't sound like much lit fun! Use of terms like "multidimensional community" and "as an earthing of Higher Will" sounds just TOO calculating of getting Russell's endorsement. Could it be that Jon and Bryan had an idea and want willing (Actualism) hands to get it into operation with their salary-free donations of time and effort??
DIARY 14071
2/18/79
ACTUALISM NHS BY BRUCE LIEBER
He takes his shirt off and it's warm enough to be comfortable without the blanket, though I ask to be covered at the end. He's exclaiming that he's never seen me so loaded, and I say it's been a LONG time since I've had a neck-spine-and-hip and really need it, that's why this one was so well timed, and at some points he can't even find the channel along the spine, going in again and again, and sometimes hurting me and sometimes feeling like he's clearing out things that should be cleared out. His work along the hip is very odd: seeming to go directly ACROSS the hip bone, and then really LAYING on the hamstrings but still not going overly deep for my taste, but going VERY deeply into the crotch, almost poking his elbow down to the mattress between my legs, which is hardly called for. His fingernails feel marginally too long for my neck, but I just grip my teeth and he doesn't go in too deeply and probably doesn't even leave marks, but next time I'll have to tell him. At least his kamikaze attacks have passed and I can breath during and after his elbow thrusts. He could go even harder on the trapezius, but his arm seems so blunt there's no "recovery" power available from it. He keeps gasping and grunting as if he's coming down with a cold, and though I don't go out on him, he goes out on me so that I have to get up and dress and poke my head to his face lying on my sofa, saying "Ten minutes, Bruce," and he gets up saying "I was just about to call you; what time is it?" He liked staying for the cartoons, said he was activated by a number of things, but that he liked the Earth Point presentation, though he's not doing anything for it. Another call from his sister shows her to be spaced; California's not like what she'd dreamed it to be, and maybe she'll be coming back here for good soon. He's still hassling his present and future girlfriends, all the while saying that he's not over-dramatizing, but he'd just had his first day of coordinating at the office and it was VERY powerful, he could feel things working at MANY levels, and it's VERY significant a step, and I'll just have to wait until I feel it, but it may just be his activation. Bruce it seems, will NEVER change, at ALL!
DIARY 14076
2/18/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She again hands me her watch to put on the high table, and I take off my sweater because it's so hot in the room. Drone through the gathering but I get to " ... you, as a Being of Light, feel for your beloved disciple," and I stop and we both laugh and I say "Where did THAT come from?" and I don't know if she'd ever heard of the Church of the Beloved Disciple before, and I try to think who that makes whose disciple, but we stop laughing and I continue. Later, listening to her, wonder if I use Radiant Consciousness and Enlightened Awareness in the proper place, though I review right now and it seems I remember to put all the former in front, all the latter in the end of the gathering. Her neck is still soft, though this time I bear down on what DOES seem to me to be her spine, but she doesn't say anything, and since my fingernails seem to be long, I don't go heavingheavily into her neck. I asked her at the start how my pressure WAS, and she said I could go heavier into her LOWER BACK and HIPS, with the tone of voice that seemed to say that I should NOT go heavier ABOVE that. So I tried going heavier in her lower back, and she grunted a few times and seemed to say that things were getting done, and I very particularly went heavily in her buttocks, which seemed even more solid than usual, and I didn't hear any complaints from her. This session seemed to go faster than the others, and I sat quietly in the hallways assimilating as Michael passed by, asking what we had worked in. I thought it might be a breach of confidence, but I said "Ruby Red," since Dorothy had said she felt particularly sore and needed some healing in particular. Coming out there was a package of flowers on the table, which she opened with a smile to disclose a dozen RED sweet-smelling roses in a green foam-filled vase, and the card which said "Be embarrassed!" from "A friend," and she didn't say anything more. She's an Aries, too, so it couldn't have been her birthday. But she loved them, had some tea with me, and talked about how we won't have a class next week, and I said I'd catch up with her, but FORGOT to set up a definite time so that I wouldn't have to call her AGAIN during the week, as I had to do THIS week.
DIARY 14078
2/18/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She stood over me and paused, then said "I was thinking of Disciple," and I laughed, saying I was too! She went through OK, then put on the WARM oil, and I felt the evaporation and said it was warm enough except that by contrast it made the air feel cooler, and I could feel the gooseflesh form along my arms and upper chest at the end. She seemed to hold the head at the end for a shorter time and the ankles for a much LONGER time, but I was too limp by that point to take much note of anything. Like the last time Bruce did me, I finished the session and lay and lay, then went to the john and got back into the kitchen to find her not there, and she wandered out to say that she'd taken a nap and it was only about 15 minutes for me at that time. She felt a few hard places in my spine, and she had exchanged for Michael's machine, which still had the burr point of over-pressure, but it seemed to be able to get into corners and bear down strongly nevertheless. She plunked a few strings along my spinal cord, and then I went completely asleep when she did my left leg, since before I knew what was happening she was working on my RIGHT leg. She said she'd thought I might be out, but didn't want to say anything for fear of embarrassing her by my immediate response, so she should follow her hunches more. I almost remarked that I was never tempted to fall asleep during the work on the feet, however, since they always seemed to be just a touch away from tickling, and then she tromped down on the tip of the sore toe and I just restrained myself from jerking away. Otherwise nothing much happened, I said I was looking forward to catching up with her next week, and that Arthur or Dorothy Kent could catch up with the body session they still owed me. She said she didn't have anything to share with me for my dinner, since there was no bread on which to spread the tahini, and so I had to go shopping for myself. She brushed me down super heavily again, and I resisted the impulse to change the pattern for her, just as I resist changing the gathering, which she twists to her own use, though the sense of it is essentially the same. Didn't feel so frustrated with her this week, maybe because I was finished with the indexes and feeling good about that.
DIARY 14079
2/18/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #9
Mara Alper BEAMED at her first coordinator's evening! No tea so I just have water, and Winston MADE the stools in the center of the room that we can rest our feet on if we like. We get quickly into the session, and it's a real nightmare: Barbara to my left is burping almost continuously, Cathy is yawning with the RIDICULOUS HAAAAAHHHHHHHHH sound that she MUST be aware emphasizes the sound that she's making, and how WINSTON can stand it at his left ear I don't know. Atarah goes into her basso-burping toward the end, but Margaret is snuffling and blowing her nose and constantly coughing, and I'm just being driven up the WALL, and want to KILL 'EM ALL. Then it occurs to me that this MIGHT be hate-rage-kill in the most subtle sense, which I report on: RATIONAL hate-rage-kill! IRRATIONAL can seem awful and terrible and ready to be consigned to the fires, but RATIONAL hate-rage is JUSTIFIED: I DO have the right to silence during my sessions, they DON'T have to burp or make the noises they're making, they're just showing off. So I'm JUSTIFIED in hating them. AHA! But that's the way it IS: They're NOT doing it only to offend me, they're not doing it to make my life uncomfortable---in fact, they're probably wishing TOO it didn't happen to them (and toward the end of the evening I felt myself burping a few times (though I could feel the food that I'd had earlier), and farting a few quite smelly ones, and I suppose if I HAD to choose the most activating and degrading form of elimination it would be the farts. During my surgery it seems that ALICE was dropping some highly inflammatory ones, and I'm hoping I can find a way out of it. So I CONCENTRATED on that, while keeping track of where Winston was and not doing very well at ALL with the processing or getting any feedback from any particular organ. I closed my eyes out of sheer disgust, but when my head bobbed a few times, I opened my eyes and it was better. He kept shouting about the sleepies at the front of the session, and lots reported LOTS of processing being done, others locating particular organs for the first time, and he didn't press me for what ELSE happened about my hate-rage-kill, because I don't have the slightest idea of what I'd say OTHER than that, since it was only futility, doubt, and condemnation for my not getting RID of these terrible images that were KILLING me: STOP BURPING!
DIARY 14083
2/18/79
ACTUALISM HAND SESSION WITH LEA
We're into the room across the hall and I sit in a chair with cushions in my lap and she suggests Objective Creative, which I immediately see as appropriate, and she works in what seems like the same manner (chafing the inside wrist, working down the inside of the palm to the finger, then down each finger, then turning it over and doing about the same thing) as both Pam and Rebekah before her, but her touch seems somewhat lighter until she gets into the crook of the thumb, when I feel zings, and she says there are lots of nerves bunched there, and with the left hand she pulls out on the middle finger for a crack, saying "Thanks, I needed that" after which she said "It was just asking for it." But she didn't seem to find too much, except that the knuckles seemed to get bigger and bigger as she progressed from one to another, the left hand DID look much better as it was stretched out after she finished it, compared with the right, and when she asked if I wanted a couple of minutes to stretch in the middle, I simply declined. She sighed a few times, I sighed a few times, there were a few gurgles from my entrails, but otherwise it was a quiet session except for someone moving furniture around the offices above our heads. I moved my hand closer to hers at one point and she said thanks, and she often stopped to move her hair behind her ears. But there wasn't much going on, and she said that I must rather take care of them, that they didn't show the dryness or stiffness of many of the others, and though I don't use lotion, they DID seem nice and soft, and the flexibility, I said, came from having to use the typewriter so much. Liked the lotion she used, felt sometimes she'd come near to rubbing the skin off, and was glad that I didn't cut it with a knife as I did just before the session with Pam, in response to which she said SHE slammed her hand in a drawer when she started. Alice had the same-length session with Donna Lee and probably only charged $25 for it, too, and I felt a bit cut short on time, but there's no doubt my hands were thoroughly done and we BOTH agreed it was a good thing that I cancelled the heavy-lifting date this afternoon, and she said I should be good to them, so I wore my gloves on the subway.
DIARY 14095
2/21/79
ACTUALISM NHS FROM ARTHUR ELLENBOGEN
He looks somewhat more attractive with his hair cut short and in his RAF overcoat that looks VERY like the West Point overcoat, saying hello to John as he comes up the stairs, and he's delighted with Subtle Warrior but doesn't seem to want to talk, probably activated, as he says he is, by images of worthlessness about his skills with the bodywork. He doesn't really LAY into me at any point except on the lower left spine, bumping up a bit severely against the spine, and the next day my right shoulder-neck joint is sore, so he may have done that wrong, too. But he's not terribly pressured, so that when he seems to be off, as he does along the trapezius, from my point of view confusing the INSIDE with the TOP and doing it slightly backward, it's not painful, which I don't need. But I'm constantly evaluating, ready to give him the report afterwards which he never asks for, so I didn't exactly relax and enjoy it, and in fact I COULD see a difference in my spine and hip after he did the left side, and he said it LOOKED better, and complimented me on my face after I got off the table, which I think is a lot of BS. He doesn't know the hip joint very well, and when he fills in the buttocks it seems he's very close to the edges and not much into the center, but he'll have a checkup after 4 more, so he'll get better quickly. He has his own version of the gathering, even with the paper at his side, and the directions, newly printed, seem to leave out the second beam down the arm which both Bob Dukes and I pointed out to him, and so we don't know whether it's a change of instructions or just a printing error. He's busy with 3 series of classes for the star intro, something like 3 in each class, and he says he's "delivered" a few already to the Center, which is nice, but why does he have to seem so WEASLY about it, as if he's supposed to be getting something out of it which would come from US rather than from himself. He hugs overmuch on arrival and departure, and I'm glad I had a cold or he probably would have wanted to kiss and kiss, too. He keeps working with Dorothy, who he says belches loudly when he hits her in the right spot, and I say I don't care for that and HE carefully refrains from belching through the whole thing, though I can smell his farts readily enough.
DIARY 14114
2/23/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She's in at 11:05, and I buzz briefly because I didn't know if I'd heard her buzz, and she apologizes for being early. She wants to work in Objective Creative, presaging our next session, and I say it's nice, since we seem to need working in it. Tell her about my dream of Susan (see DIARY 14112) and my thoughts about the panels as creators here now (see DIARY 14113), and she says that SHE'S been going through assimilation matters recently, that she'd for a LONG time been taking something like two classes in things each DAY, and now she's gotten out of many and wants out of more and just wants to sit and assimilate all of it. She says she lives on ridiculously low amounts of cash "Especially when I live with friends," as she put it, and when she brushed her chest against my arm reading part of her book "The Lazy Man's Enlightenment," I thought "Not HERE, you don't!" Turned the heater on all the way most of the session, and as a result the extension cord started to bubble and stiffen a bit, so I'll have to replace it soon. She said her neck was stiff, and it DID feel stiffer than usual, but still her trapezius was negligible, though there were loads enough in her spine to keep us both jumping, though when I got to "the" spot on her middle left spine and asked "Still going out?" she said "Yep." Pushed harder on her hips and she went with the motions with much more enthusiasm than before. She stood the cold well, though she kept sniffling through the session without really SNUFFLING, and I wondered if she thought that was good manners. Phone rang toward the end of her 10 minutes, and she was up and into the bathroom before I finished talking, and I jokingly said "I didn't tell you that you could MOVE!" She said she had to go, liked the yarrow tea double-balled for its bitterness, when I said it was the only way to have the licorice, and she said the session was VERY good, that we'd meet about 2:45 and 6 next Wednesday as usual, and I followed her down to get the mail. She seemed darker-haired than before, even mentioning that yarrow was supposed to turn your hair darker, and I said I wanted a darker beard and she said "But it looks so distinguished." Do I really want to look distinguished?
DIARY 14121
2/26/79
ACTUALISM NHS BY BRUCE LIEBER
He was activated by MY saying I "got left with more than he took away" by taking a training NHS from Arthur, and he didn't have to get that from Dorothy, and he got good relief, even from his forearm pain. I couldn't think of an energy that I wanted so I said "White" and he went along with it, and when he finished my left side I said "My forearm feels lots better" and he paused, possibly thinking I was saying something SEXUAL, and so I insisted it was only patterned on his statement that HIS forearms had been sore, so like an explained joke it went over like a herd of turds and he said "Harmonize with incarnating ego" loudly. He went VERY much more gently around the neck than he'd EVER done before, only on a few times going into the spine and grinding up against the cord, though he said that I had LOTS going on down there, saying he even felt tendons "jumping around" which I can't quite imagine them doing, but that's what he said. I sort of fuzzed out for a bit, then concentrated again without getting a great impression of the energy being used, though it seemed to do some unloading, and I coughed a few times but didn't have a runny nose. He didn't fall asleep, precisely, this time, but I got off the table before he called me. He said that I epitomized Cosmic Mother for him, being VERY magnetic, particularly since I phoned HIM when he wasn't phoning anyone, and he mentioned it a few times until I began to feel self-conscious. He said that his dynamic would go out to a woman's magnetic and he'd put EVERYTHING onto her, as he'd done so many times before, but that NOW he REALIZES that and acts against it, and doesn't think the woman in the health food shop is the "woman of his life." He said spending a weekend with Bob Hoberman talking about his photography business has been giving him a grounding in economics, budgets, inflation, costs, and business that might come in handy for EarthPoint: "I felt so MATURE with my knowledge, I'm definitely moving into a new area and things are VERY exciting at this point, not to overdramatize them a BIT," he said, overdramatizing them a lot. He liked the sports shows, saying they seemed to be filled with high frequency, and left letting me watch the rest of the show.
DIARY 14125
2/27/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON BRUCE LIEBER
He burbles in his orange juice and I'm anxious to get to typing, so he says he'll get on the table, and he wants to work in red, and I give the gathering and he says he's slept through most of it. Work on his neck, which feels sort of short, and he says he thinks it's all loaded up, though there's no overt loads there. Then he says "When are you going to beam down the arm?" when I just FINISHED beaming down the arm! Then he seems to be all right down the rest of the left side, but I have to call his name twice on the right side, and he only answers after the second call, saying I called only once. He asks to stay on afterwards, resting and shitting in the bathroom. He talked about how extraordinary yesterday was: getting a surgery from Alice on the Urinary System, meeting some woman at some bar and trying to give her an intro but someone behind her, from est, wanted to get the downpour, and he could feel the energy from the guy, though the woman couldn't feel anything. He DOES so love to overdramatize! There were blockages in his spine, and I could see him wincing as I moved into it, though when I asked him if I was going too hard, he said no, to continue. He said that things were certainly up for him, that he didn't feel like talking to his sister, who should be home today, unless I wanted to call her, and then I guess he'd be willing to chat with her for a bit. He'd been called onto a case yesterday and might be put on a criminal case tomorrow, and wants to drop over during his lunch break. I'd thought of him as serving in Manhattan, but he's only a few blocks away in the Supreme Court building in Brooklyn. He said he was too foggy to make an appointment for the next session, and he seemed uninterested in hearing about Amy's problems when SHE called. At least he didn't complain after I'd set it up nicely, saying that I had two hours' work left before a TV program I wanted to watch at 8, so he let me type later as he "recovered." But he DOES have nice arms, and again his floppy shorts tempted me to look around to see if I could see any cock, and though he farted tremendously and stank up my bathroom afterwards, he's still a character to be treasured as someone NOT to be like in Actualism!
DIARY 14131
3/2/79
ACTUALISM NHS ON DOROTHY HUNTER
For once she's got everything off: bra and watch. I take my pullover off and stoop over the table and give off the gathering, and she said she gave a myoclonic jerk that I didn't notice, but when I did something on her neck I mentioned it, and she said she often did them. Her spine feels clearer than it did before, and again she really moves on the pelvis-push, saying she's been trying to do better ever since I said she moved less than anyone else. Her skin is dry, I don't feel sleepy but she says she's having trouble stopping from going out, and she tells me she's going away to Florida for a week at the next break, but that she's looking forward to tonight's class. She was outrageously complimented by Michael when she came in, who said how beautiful she looked and how clear her eyes were, and they were, and then after class I saw the two of them walking along together, so could they be getting back together? But she said she'd been out with another man the previous Friday had liked Atarah's voice in the "Verdi Requiem" on Saturday, and that Barbara Lea had had them all over to her apartment afterward, so she had to wear the same blue jeans she'd worn before, but she said she felt comfortable and was happy to say that Atarah seemed quite bright and cheerful, as opposed to her heaviness before and in class, and that BOTH Barbara and Mara Alper were working for her, Barbara seemingly just to go into the spaces beforehand and blaze up the fields for her entrance. She liked to be getting down into centers 5 and 6 to work there, didn't have anything scheduled between the two times so I could come back as early as I could and we'd go out to eat, which was just what she was hoping we could do, having only nibbled through the day: some yogurt, some oatmeal cookies, some tea, some noodles, no breakfast. I went quickly through her body, forgetting the first beam down the left shoulder, and she said that she completely left out the neural pathways from her last gathering and had to go back and put it in. She was interested hearing that Susan might be back since that might mean she'd have a steady customer with Bill again, and I said I was trying to get in touch with her but didn't know where she was.
DIARY 14133
3/2/79
ACTUALISM NHS BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She left to put the lotion into hot water, and it felt strange because it was COOL on the INSIDE where the heat hadn't gotten to it, and then HOT on the EDGES where the heat was, so I got to feel both. It got chilly in the room and I'm sure she could see my shivering, but she didn't do anything but pull the sheet up at the end, and I still felt cool where the lotion was still evaporating, and I had green on my shorts gain. Her vibrator was working flawlessly again, and she kept pushing it in until it burred. There was an incredibly hard, narrow FILE in my right channel, and I could feel it and she could feel it, and she remarked about it and I said I had no idea where it came from but that she could work on it. She said that she didn't know how it felt to me, but that usually my back felt fairly unloaded to her. I'd been talking to HER so much in the middle of the spine that she didn't have a CHANGE to go to sleep where she usually does, and she was talking so much about Atarrah and the party at Barbara's that I didn't have very much chance to go out, either, except after she got into the lower parts of the legs, where she stopped talking, but there she gave an extra touch to the tips of the big toes, and my left one caused me to flinch almost visibly. She seemed to bobble the neck hold, shifting me increasingly down through three positions, which left me with not NEARLY the stretched-out sensation she usually does, but she felt normal on the feet, which was good. She said she'd wanted to give me extra time, but I was so hungry I got off the table when it felt like 10 minutes and came out to let us go to dinner as quickly as possible. My kakiage was crisp and tasty, at least the sauce was good after I added soy sauce to the oil, but the brown rice was glutinous and tasteless, her tofu custard was bland and tasteless, but the tahini dressing on the lettuce and cabbage salad was very tasty, and the split pea soup had a bit of burnt taste that was good, but the apple crunch wasn't anything to come back for. She took off her coat running back, and I hope she didn't catch a cold from it. The dinner was about $8, a bit much, but then we don't have to go back there again. We're EVEN at LAST, too!
DIARY 14134
3/2/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #10
Margaret got VERY sarcastic when she said "Why do you think I make the sofa too close?" and Michael got to sit in a chair. Barbara talked across the room to me about indexing until I went and sat next to her, and I told her to do the typing of the cards all at once. Winston was eager to start and asked about how we did, and I told about harmonizing at various levels and he said that would help me in earthing it, but said nothing about the various SENSES at the FIELD level that I questioned implicitly. Then he got into the session and I kept looking at the floor and walls, could follow through the gathering perfectly, and kept hearing Russell saying things DIFFERENTLY on the tape: "give the NETWORK (and not the energy in the network) over to the Planetary Hierarchy to handle," AGAIN the "around the matrix and (even) Creature-Body of the PLANET" (and not BODIES, either). He aligned the centers ALONG THE WAY, rather than at the end, but when I reported these things, everyone laughed and said "You can index it now," or "you can outline it, or report on it," and Alice brushed me down and talked about the as-great danger of being too OBJECTIVE as being too SUBJECTIVE, and that I might have experienced a bit more of it had I been more harmonized with IE and more receptive to experience. I said "But Russell's tapes are just once a month," and they sort of scoffed at me. Barbara gave a MARVELOUS report over how it felt to PROCESS LOADS and UNLOAD, which she was pleased to report after 4 years in the work, and Maureen said she was getting a GOOD experience of the Human and a CLEAR listen to the tape. Elliott and Michael and Dorothy all had the drowsys, and Kathy finally learned to yawn more quietly, and I wondered if Winston had talked to her. Linda was pleased to point out the O-V training that I didn't even SEE on the board, so I signed up for it, as well as for the Men's Pelvic, and noted that the EarthPoint meeting tomorrow was only on the door, and I wasn't going at ALL. Felt strangely UNCREATIVE the next few days afterward, and reported that I felt some connection with Wisdom (of course, said Alice, the LAST center you worked in feels PARTICULARLY open now, but you have to start working on the NEW center now, and not COMPARE the two), and THOUGHT through it, and now it seems that I might have troubles with TYPING and WORKING (see DIARY 14137).
DIARY 14145
3/7/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON BRUCE LIEBER
Stare at his dust-covered TV as I drone out the gathering, though I can't tell whether he's awake through it or not. Again his neck feels on the short side, but every so often I think of the Red energy and beam with some sort of concentration, and since we're not talking so much, the whole session seems to be more purposeful than the general run of the ones with Dorothy, which seem more like entertainment sessions. He tells me to go lighter on the first touch of the neck, and at the top of the spine he requests again that I not be so heavy, and I'm pleased that it seems to be reflected in HIS easier pressures on MY body, and he seems to be moving more into the "spirit" of the session than into the PUSH of it. Keep wondering during the session just WHAT is going on in the progress of it: at the START, it seemed that I had NO TROUBLE finding the channel down the sides of the spine. NOW I seem to find them increasingly blocked, bumpy, subject to tensions from the person. EITHER (1) I'm getting more sensitive, which surprises me, since it seemed that I KNEW where things were before with my elbow, though never whether I was doing a good job or not, (2) They're getting more into throwing things into the channel, like Arthur and Dorothy Kent seem to be able to do, and therefore there's more THERE, or (3) The whole thing is taking place in BOTH our minds and it would be impossible to say what any PHYSICAL basis for the sensations are. I suppose I SHOULD feel happier about more feedback of ANY kind, but I tend to question WHY it's happening, think that MORE is being invented by a cult-pleasing brain than by actual tactile-experiential sense-receiving, and question the efficacy of the whole process which would bring up so much---though I KNOW that's one of the stated PURPOSES of the bodywork: to bring things up so that they can be gotten rid of. Maybe THAT'S the problem: I can sense problems coming up but I can't sense the "essence" gained from their processing, or even that they're being processed at all. But at least there's still something to write about to fill the page, it's still interesting to dissect, and it doesn't seem to be a mere repetition of the same inner and outer manifestations.
DIARY 14150
3/7/79
ACTUALISM ILEOCECAL TO ANUS SURGERY WITH ALICE
She talks about the organs, blatantly saying that "Shit consciousness and fuck consciousness" will come up because it's in the pelvic region, and I think then say that though I'm gay ("I was talking to you on the inner about that" she said) I resist using the anus for intercourse, not knowing whether it's GOOD morally and BAD physically because I don't "participate" and "let go sexually" with it. She says they don't pass judgment on ANYTHING to do with sex, want everyone to enjoy themselves, but says I should "tune in to organ itself" to get feedback on that. She distinguishes in the gathering between "body/ creature-body's sense of the organ and the organ's OWN sense of the organ itself," which I question and she sees my closed-eye frown and laughs about it. In the session, my stomach is gurgling, and she says she'd laughed at HER stomach gurgling, so "we were unified on more than a few levels." I keep going into it, wondering what I'm going to do this afternoon, worrying about all the things I have to do, keeping tuning in on the Radiant Warrior (which I say I don't like to wear on the street and she says "You have to keep in it, just one "attack from outside" and it could be a tragedy," and that "It's really a LOVING energy, letting people be what they want to be, but leave YOU alone."), and figure there's lots going on. She says there is, but that maybe there's a REASON that I'm not tuning in on what's being done, since it all has to be done in its own time, and I don't ask her about my slight moving away from SEX IN GENERAL, and she seems a few times to be talking about "actual design" in ways that make gayness seem WRONG, but she keeps talking and I keep listening and some of it seeps through and the rest of it I'm willing to keep in abeyance until something else happens, but I'm beginning to feel claustrophobic from everything that's ABOUT to happen, and want something TO happen so that something can get processed in ways I know about. She leaves me to assimilate, we talk about Helena Roerich as transmitting information about Agni Yoga, dismisses me so she can cook her dinner since she has a session at 6, and she'd scheduled me TWO surgeries during the next month, saying I'd have to do that if I wanted them, and I feel GOOD about her, but wonder how much she KNOWS and how much she TRANSMITS.
DIARY 14153
3/7/79
ACTUALISM NSH BY SUSAN LIEBER
She stumbles over the first paragraph of the gathering and then the rest seems about perfect, and she said she thought she might have forgotten the pattern, but she went perfectly along the neck, bluntly down the back of the neck, grossly across the trapezius, and I had to tell her twice on each side to go lighter down the spine. "I'm mauling you," she moaned between sniffled and yawns. "I wouldn't let you," I assured her, though she did get me a bit deeply a few places. She slid off and around some parts of my spine, and I said I'd been doing calisthenics for the past week, and she said she thought she'd heard this might not be the best way of doing things, but I said it was OK for me, all I had to do was process what I got bad from it. She had trouble with the upper spine, but farther down she'd really dig in and seem to find the groove, but then she didn't know where to stop and I had to say "That's the last pass" on both sides. She had to be directed to the hip hinge, and, like Bruce, I told her to move farther from the table on the leg stretch. But again she sort of fell asleep during the pattern on the buttocks (after she moved it up a bit when she seemed to be concentrating on the lower half of what I took to be the area)---and then she went a bit from the pelvic girdle until I told her to go closer, and she found the typical hardness right off the bone that everyone seems to have now. She didn't do that badly, though I suggested she could get a training and reorientation and get back into it, even though I offered a number of suggestions that she took graciously. I felt measurably better after I got off the table, and it was lucky she came Tuesday, since on Wednesday Dorothy phoned and said that so much had come up for her that she couldn't see me at all. So this week my two trades will both be Liebers. She talked about California (see DIARY 14152), said she'd been late and agreed to meet Bill at her apartment at 3:30, so she could leave early, but she STILL took 75 minutes to do the 50-minute pattern, and I said she could speed up a bit, but she said she FELT herself being sucked into her yawning and dreaming off and repeating things too many times, but she still DID it and needs practice.
DIARY 14160
3/9/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #11
Susan said Winston had a cold during her surgery Wednesday, and he's coughing and breathing stertoriously behind me while Alice conducts class, starting with a general statement that we're OUT of First Advanced and working in a NEW way in Second Advanced, so we can't be FINISHED yet, but learning something NEW, so it's acceptable that we feel confused, and uncertain, and activated about doing something that we're not sure of, but we ARE all doing well, we'll get into it with greater understanding as we move along, and in answer to my question she says there ARE centers 2 and 3 in the Mental, Emotional, and Perceptual bodies, but that it would have been throwing TOO much that's new on us to have done it then, so maybe we'll have to do it NOW. She assured us that she'd review the practice since this was only the SECOND time she was going through Personality Recognition, and Faye and Barbara reported that it was MUCH easier this time, Elliott went to sleep in new ways, his head bobbing WAY forward, Cathy managed to stay awake, and when I reported that "I'd better get a lot, because I gave a lot in processing images of worthlessness, how bad they were," Alice launched into me by saying that I wasn't recognizing the PERSONALITY as being worthless, but getting sucked into my IMAGES, and she got rather stern, later apologizing for getting into me, and as I dashed out she pointedly said "Goodnight, Bob," as I zipped out the door. Barbara came to my aid, saying "He's just MORE confused now," and I felt I WAS, but it cleared as we went around. I kept thinking that this was silly, that I was doing OK, but I couldn't get out from under it THEN, but it just seemed better to think that I CONTINUE going from moment to moment, keeping up with everything, enjoying the speed and energy of it, and that seemed to be enough of the lesson of the session: my mind sort of took a vacation the next few days, which was good, and I felt that I could handle more things even though I wasn't doing EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't have been able to do EVERYTHING anyway (and Katharine Hepburn says you have to KNOW that you can't do everything), so it's better not to worry about it, and at least it wasn't the typical nothingness in the session!
DIARY 14167
3/14/79
ACTUALISM NSH BY AMY FLEETMAN
Her table doesn't feel as hard, her flannel sheets make my feet warm quickly, and she pats and fingers me as she gives the gathering, and then goes surprisingly easily along my neck and shoulders, almost seeming to have had the thickness of her elbows whittled down by recent T&Rs. I say that she can go a tiny bit heavier along the neck, then a tiny bit lighter along the spine, but her pressure is good and quite a bit more precise than former times, and I tell her afterward that she was hard enough to get into areas of soreness, particularly around my hips, which WERE surprisingly sore, but she FELT them, felt they needed the breaking up, bore in on them, and each time, except for the times I said, applied just a bit more than the pressure I would have been content with to be comfortable and just a bit less than the pressure I would have "felt the human fleeing" and told her to ease up a bit. She has a bit of trouble with the hip hinge, but I use Bruce's phrase to "lift the elbow a bit from the table and move it a bit higher, toward the shoulder," and from the grunt she made it sounds like SHE felt that she moved into the better position. She said she felt much more concentrated doing it, and she sort of paused when I said I wanted to work in Objective Creative, and she said it was an energy that she didn't use very often because she thought it was one she had down pat, no troubles with, and then later said she found it was a very GENTLE energy to work with, and she smoothed me down as she brushed and suggested after I got dressed that I might like to try a short introduction to Alexander work, which she'd been offering to those who'd just been relaxed with the body session. I said yes and got a good session (see DIARY 14168). She told me that poor Adam was working all day and all night on some upstate last minute strike negotiations, but that he'd slept well last night, though he looked older than his 31 years, which he usually looks YOUNGER than. She showed off her new typewriter some time during this month, made me tea from Mullein which she strained to take out all the little sprigs in it, said again how much she enjoyed being with me and working with me, and she hoped we could continue exchanging sessions.
DIARY 14173
3/16/79
ACTUALISM NSH BY BRUCE LIEBER
He still seems to be in his body-hating phase, since his spinal movements are quick, jerky, painful, and off-purpose: jabbing in where it feels too far from the spine, then pushing in so that the spurs of the vertebrae seem overly bruised, then what feels like a hop over whatever loads there are followed by a dig-in far to the side and then a lower attack. His arm brushdowns are as unfeeling as ever, and his thumbnail hurts when he digs into my neck seeming to have no hopes at all of finding the spurs. He's met another woman and says this one is different, but it starts rather the same: he thinks she's just marvelous, they went out to some event, he gave her a downpour which she was very sensitive to though she didn't realize it, and he's not going to build anything up but obviously she's something very special and VERY different. He says how activated he is because he'd wanted Susan to keep her car to act as backup in case anything happened to his. "I told her that was the most reliable car in the family," but then he sort of realizes this is something that he has to work through and it's not really anything to do with me, and he even tries to say he's glad I have it now. He keeps tugging on his hair though he keeps saying he's more relaxed now, he's working more overtime if they ask because he's been desperate to keep the car allowance that went along with that, and we chat a bit about my IBM experience from which I could tell him his attitudes toward wanting NO overtime was slightly unrealistic. Told him about my Alexander session with Amy, he said that the TV program on the Maples seemed VERY low frequency, but that I seemed to be able to handle it. He didn't fall asleep this time, calling me just as I was about to get up anyway, having watched the clock since I was determined to watch TV, and he lay on the bed for a bit but said he was a "quick sleep" and he really had to get home, so he left me watching TV. I didn't feel like a boor because he agreed that if there was something I had to do I should do it. Again he talked about the people in the room and said maybe I should open myself more to what's going on, and I said I wasn't trying to be closed, but I still didn't receive anything even THROUGH openness.
DIARY 14177
3/16/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She's kept her beads on this time, and she's locked the door from the inside, saying she wanted to work in Higher Will and this was SOME will, though she said it was her habit to ALWAYS lock the door when she was working inside, so it was just habit (though she'd not done it any of the dozen times I worked on her already before). Say the gathering rather quickly and don't get a REAL sense of the energy, though I'm sure that I'm in it, and she's sort of stiff around the neck again, not saying much of anything which I think is OK since she said we could go to dinner together, where I intended to save things to talk about, and got down to her bright striped panties and felt like saying something about how she wanted Royal Purple because it matched one of the stripes on it, but didn't do it. Talked a bit about feeling like I had too much to do, and went fairly quickly, not really caring whether she fell asleep or not, and it was slightly cool so it was brisk working, though she didn't shiver at all, though she kept her hands under her and kept turning her head to the left, saying she couldn't breathe. This changed the configuration of her shoulder greatly, so I said she could turn just before I did the final beam-down, but then even her spine seemed in a different position, and it's strange to think that the SPINE moves around in the BODY when the neck turns, though the body itself doesn't appear to move. Follow down her spine with a few twinges in my own, and her buttocks are still VERY solid, and her feet are on the cold side, and I had to go fast to finish at 4:03 and sit outside assimilating until 4:13, when I had to take a quick drink of tea waiting for her to come out and say when I could come back, and she said she'd be finished about 5:30, so I went away planning not to eat until I got back, though I was happy I really wasn't hungry anyway, the tea seeming to fill any holes that I had. Ida Rolf has been writing letters about setting up a Rolfing teaching center in NYC, someone named Joseph Heller seems to have been getting unauthorized use of the name of Rolfing, and Dorothy and Michael still have a mutual checking account, which may have been what they were talking about in the health food restaurant that influenced me to go next door to the awful Chun-Cha-Fu Restaurant for my only time.
DIARY 14179
3/16/79
ACTUALISM NHS BY DOROTHY HUNTER
Her vibrator is working perfectly, she's pushing hard and making me feel VERY good and relaxed, saying that I'm quite free of loads on the upper left spine, bumping into my hip bone a couple of times, and I'm still conscious that my neck is the toughest place to get into. She sort of wants to talk, maybe because she knows we won't be having dinner which she hadn't told me yet (she HAD to know, since she told me as she left), so she said she'd enjoyed Nureyev last night, dancing his first performance since he'd been injured, and we condoled with the audiences who had to pay such prices and then not get HIM, and she'd been to a few movies, wanted to hear what I thought about "Deer Hunter," and chatted about a few other things, though she didn't say whether she was going to Florida as she'd planned for next week's vacation. She kept putting her hand companionably on my waist or chest when she was pushing her vibrator into other places, and her manipulation of the head and feet seemed stronger this time, possibly because I could compare it with Amy's tentative duplications of the same work, but Dorothy never HAD Alexander study, just had a few things done on her. She chatted about a few more things, but at one point made some loud noise and I told her it was fine, since I'd seemed to be on the point of falling asleep at that point (upper right thigh) instead of on the left calf anyway. Told her I might be helping with Earthpoint, which she'd not doing, she enjoyed hearing how much I was liking having the car, and we said something about cooking that made it dawn on me Dennis might like to ask her over for dinner sometimes since he thought so highly of her. I was working in the green without having any REAL consciousness of what it was like, but I felt all the things being worked on and didn't even resent the QUANTITY of lotion that she put on at the beginning so that I sort of ITCHED on the thigh-top where it wouldn't dry, and then felt cool where the room was cooling off, and then had to rake it out of my navel and make sure it was dry so it wouldn't stain my undershirt. We didn't say anything about next week, we laughed together a lot in the class, so I guess we'll continue the way we've been going.
DIARY 14180
3/16/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #12
Only Barbara and Maureen in the room when I entered, a new low, and Atarah didn't show up until 8:15, having called at 8, so Tony told about Atarah's refusing to ride the horse in her Met debut in "Don Carlo" and told other anecdotes through the evening. I alternately opened and shut my eyes during the lifebelt, feeling alternately objective and subjective in a good balance, I thought, though I didn't feel much of anything except a depression that I was NEVER going to get out of it and why didn't I stop EARLIER, but then Alice started talking about STAGNATION in the urinary system, and I knew that if I WOULD stop being activated, having too much to do, I'd have TOO LITTLE to do and stagnate and feel even WORSE than I do NOW! She gave the marvelous insight that "You deny creativity and tie up creativity ITSELF in denying it, forming the images that deny it." I thought of the marvelous "Rip off your arm and beat you over the head with it" taunt of kids, and THEN went on to think that we ALSO create the TOOLS WITH WHICH TO PROCESS these images, so that it makes it even MORE clear that the whole thing is just the invention of the mind. Realizing this makes me feel simultaneously better and worse, since it IS only mind that's inventing it, but then it's ONLY mind that's inventing it, though she says it should still be SENSIBLE to the feelings and emotions, which I haven't gotten to yet. Maureen looks pretty good, talks about falling down and scarring her knees, Alice has a haircut and looks a bit younger, Elliott is STILL nodding all the way into sleep, we're only 10 so things go fast, and Barbara clarifies for herself and the class that Copilot is ALL the creation, except for the Being of Light, which is the Pilot, and Alice says something that I interpret to mean that LATER it will turn out that the Pilot has been out to lunch for YEARS and it's really the Copilot, the YOU who says ME and I, who's been handling the whole show anyway. She keeps saying things that I wish I could write down, then try to remember them, then miss new things, then get frustrated because I can't do it in her richness, but then not even WINSTON can do it in her riches, and that's probably part of the reason why she's Associate Staff Director of the School!
DIARY 14183
3/19/79
ACTUALISM PRACTICE INSIGHT ON STRUCTURES
Get down to the cell level in one of my rare whole-session practices this morning (see DIARY 14181) and as I'm lighting the relationship lines between the cells, the mental image of each cell springing to a light-life as a STAR in a UNIVERSE comes very strongly to mind, and the "organization" of the universe might be just as obvious from INSIDE as the "organization" of the cells might be from INSIDE the body---that is, NOT obvious at ALL! But in getting OUTSIDE the universe, there might be some level of organization which would make more knowledge of structure and beginnings possible. What avenues of approach would there be for a CELL intelligence in the body, in the duodenum, for example, to investigate the organs OUTSIDE the duodenum, just as for centuries we were restricted to knowledge of the solar system with any certainty, while the star seemed localized. So the duodenum cell might look at the blood that nourishes it, the lymph that cleanses it, the food on which it works, as part of "its" system, but only through extraordinarily subtle and precise investigations could it POSSIBLY intuit the existence of an INDEPENDENT system controlled by a monstrously HUGHER body that it would have little in the line of tools to investigate. Then when I summarized the session and went back to the level of the FIELD, the image of the field as a CELL was difficult to avoid: a large amorphous, rather free-formed body which surrounded a much smaller "nucleus" which was the human-creature body, and these "cells" drifted to and fro, mingling with others without adhering, interpenetrating without disturbing, and from the outside looked rather insubstantial but in the center harbored a complex of functions and structures far more intricate than the "stuff" of the outer areas far from the center. Also, in a mystical sense, since the field is somehow of a higher frequency, the SOLID world doesn't even EXIST for it to interpenetrate with, so from the view of THIS HIGHER frequency, the fields of all the organisms just float about in their OWN spaces, independent of a planet, except that they're a CLUSTER in a SPHERE which might be an organism IN ITSELF, surrounding the "noosphere potential" of the "body of the planet."
DIARY 14187
3/19/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON SUSAN LIEBER
Piled on a second blanket, kept the heater on, and could see the upper windows steaming from the blast from the shower before I decide the room is hot enough with the doors to the living room and bedroom closed. She wants to work in Generative, which I hadn't worked in in ages, and I don't get a very good idea of the energy, but the accuracy of the outside work seems good, particularly on the back, where I can FEEL the strands of "loads" breaking up under my crushing elbow. She'd fallen a few days before and Amy said she was carrying her head at an angle, and when she turned her head she wanted to keep it almost on the point of her chin because she was sore, but she said that I worked a real MIRACLE on her left side, that it felt much less painful than it had before. We both laughed about Bruce's selfishness in wanting her to pay for the insurance and move the car just to give him a spare car if his broke down, and she said it was something he'd have to work out. I told her about Rolf's sharing the car, and she said I didn't have to be concerned that someone who wasn't a lightworker was sharing the responsibility for it, seemed to enjoy our coming use of it. Gave her the registration back and said I'd mail the copy to Brian and she said fine. No fruit for her since she brought none, but there wasn't time to talk since she had to phone Bill to say she'd be later than she thought in the first place, and then ended up later than THAT. Her feet are so much more soft and unmarked compared to Bruce's and Dorothy's, and her spine seemed very easy to work with, though I felt my thumbnail may have been a bit too long for her neck nubbins and may have hurt her a bit. Her buttocks were tight, but I really went into them and felt that I was breaking things up, and she stopped me before the final spiel saying she was CERTAIN we'd have to work together on the Earthpoint project, that she wanted to send me a book to read (at which I said I was quite sure I wouldn't have the time), and she kept wanting to do things with me, NOW getting the names and uses of a computer a friend of Bill's is using, maybe Bill can do the programming for the indexing job, why don't we use THEIR computer, and she's going to find out for me.
DIARY 14199
3/22/79
ACTUALISM MALE PELVIC SESSION
Winston's revving up the room and there are 11 of us: counterclockwise from Winston: Neil Sendar, Michael Molthen, Barry Hoffman, Michael Blackburn, Mike Kappel, Bruce Lieber, George Pierson, Ken Miller, Arthur Ellenbogen, me, and Bob Dukes. Bob did the only sharing beforehand, making everyone suspect not many did many sessions (I guess I did one?). Winston makes jokes about "some dynamics!" and talks about how LOVING and PERFECTING is quite appropriate to the generative organs, and we get into the Energy of Perfection. I keep eyes open, them close them, jerk head once and open them, and then rather nicely alternate. It's all very CLEAR, no sense of denial, no sense of frustration, missed the beaming down from the right kidney, got a DISTINCT (though subtle) since of LIGHTNESS and more VIBRATION on the left testicle when the energy came back in to be assimilated, and reported on it with such joy that Winston just ACCEPTED IT. At the start I thought I'd NEVER get used to the sounds: Arthur yawning with vocalization "Ham" at the end, George Pierson forcing flat burps that seemed bile-filled, Neil dozing off and needing to be prodded, and others across the room belching and coughing and Ken using his crinkly Kleenex. But the reports were light for the most part (Mike Kappel kept hyperventilating, as if to burn off the demons with the fire breath---which he may not have had, since Winston kept talking about the Breath of Life), and Barry seemed rather cute but sort of simple, keeping trying to make everything jokey, and Winston talked about their stay in the Alps, above tree line, doing culture in the evening, and even he seemed pleased with the final results, saying that he WANTED to keep these every 6 weeks, but every 4 months seemed to be about the best he could do. Talked to Ken Miller afterwards about being O-V partners, and he said "Maybe we could change sessions," and I loved him for it. Bob Dukes and Michael japed at him for growing a beard NOW, and I said that mine might come off if I ever decided to get a face session, which I might, and I did make lots of resolutions to do FIRST THINGS FIRST, rather than just doing what I wanted to, and it seemed the session cleared a LOT of activation away, despite first fleeting doubts that I might REMAIN irritable and irked for MONTHS.
