Any comments or questions about this site, please contact Bob Zolnerzak at

bobzolnerzak @verizon.net

 

 

 

Actualism notes

 

DIARY 12431
11/5/77

IMAGES AS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE

Lois started it (see DIARY 12425) with my images about my feet, and I keep coming back to the fact that I DO have images that I'd rather NOT be true: my toes ARE fat, my middle IS plump, my hair IS gray, I do NOT feel the energies, I AM a plop in Actualism. But the germ of change is THERE: If I can CHANGE the image, I can CHANGE the reality. I think of the guy on the ESP program (see DIARY 12413) who SEES it happening just before the object moves; HE'S changing the image and the reality DOES change. When Pope SEES the card, he sees it right (see DIARY 12432). When I am SURE I'm going to get a ticket, I do; when I temporized, thinking this IS a rough time, I DON'T. I remember my delight in making my hair CURLY when I was with John, but when I lost my faith, I lost my curl. When for awhile I was doing exercises, I DID lose my pot and DID feel better, but now it's back. Dianetics says something about aging being in the MIND, and I'm sure that it IS: he who thinks young IS young, regardless of the year he happens to be born in. When I DETERMINE to do everything, I DO it, not just worry about it. Pope worries about not doing all his charts, but he DOES DO them. BobR goes through his three priorities: getting a new job (he resigned on Friday), getting a new brownstone (that seems to be coming closer now), and getting a new rental property at the Island. When Gary INSISTS that he's going to get through to Sandy in California to call, Sandy SEES his eyes burning in his photo and phones him in CALIFORNIA, so his girl has to say that he's in New York, whereupon he calls Pope and says "OK, put Gary on the phone!" Whereas Pope, not BELIEVING, says that IF it doesn't work, it would be because HE wasn't convinced HE could do it, and Sandy called because GARY wanted him to call, saying NOTHING about Pope, who at least admits seeing Sandy in the uncharacteristic position before the typewriter, and he was rewriting his resume because on the DAY his astrological chart was worst, he walked into his boss and accused him of "prejudism" (his word) and got fired. So the images don't help---and I was ABOUT to say "and the images are still there," but I'll say "SO I HAVE TO GET RID OF THE IMAGES."

DIARY 12436
11/6/77

PREDICTING ACTUALISM

First it was "one lesson good, one bad," but then the complexity began to extend over certain energies. Then it was "easy during the lesson, hard during the week; easy during the week, the lesson was probably frustrating." But that became more complicated. Now I'm tempted to think that, since I was anything but calm during the calmness power ray, yet feel calm in the energy that follows; I don't feel the energies now, but WILL during the NEXT energy. But THEN comes the worst thought: I definitely have the engram that whatever I PREDICT about Actualism WON'T come true, so by DEFINITION whatever I think will happen will prove to be false. And if I COULD predict what would happen, it would probably quickly become boring and I'd drop it for something new and more unexpected. But that would mean for the NONprediction not to get boring, IT would have to be broken at unexpected times, too. So there's no way of predicting, and the current calmness goes along with that by saying "Que sera will be." Then there are enough new things being thrown in: body sessions with Joan Ann, psychic surgeries with Lois, special classes with Carol Ann, and even still new people being added to the group. Had gotten a bit out of touch with people from the other groups, but since Bruce Lieber is due back the end of this week, I'll be once again in touch with him. Then the Jaffes will be leaving and the Nelsons will be coming in, and Rebekah will continue to get sicker with her cough and continue to sit in front of the open window and get chilled, poor girl. There'll probably be another session on pelvic unloading, Russell will come up with other things, and still I have no idea of quitting this, probably in part because nothing new has come along to replace it, except Dianetics, which seems similar enough to Actualism to wonder what Russell, as a "encyclopedia of other endeavors" did during his short association with L. Ron Hubbard. This is ANOTHER bit about EVOLUTION NOW (see DIARY 12434) in that est and Dianetics and Actualism are all NEW renditions, hopefully more powerful, than the old style TM and yoga and Zen and other types of self-improvement cycles, which hopefully will last NEARLY as long as THEY did. Now if only the RELIGIONS would fall by the wayside, or improve along WITH these ...

DIARY 12439
11/9/77

CONVERSATION WITH JOAN ANN DE MATTIA

She's bright and bouncy, offering me apple juice, saying the ornate table is for sale, and accepting everything I say as background to working together, obviously as she hopes for a long time. I tell her about not getting experience with energies in Actualism, skepticism, est, Dianetics, wanting everything, brain-directed, investments in being right, mympths as the only mental image I've ever SEEN, etc. Give my dislike at Actualism's denying me "hot fudge sundae" of grass, and she amuses me by telling of her friend who smoked around her while she wondered why she got so high, then questioned his $5,000 bag of grass seed in her bathroom by saying "That's some lawn!" She insisted that even Bruce Jaffe had to light his wine for 5-6 minutes to make it OK (when I told her about increasing hangovers), that I should ALWAYS light my food and use the energies more frequently, and said that SHE had to give up regressing people into past lives, because it was dangerous, and that Actualism did THAT in 4th advanced! So they set up THIS course for her, which Bruce audited and showed PHOTOGRAPHIC memory by correcting each WORD that she used in a wrong way. We agreed on the amazing teachers, and she said that in her 2 years in Actualism, whatever they SAID would happen, DID turn out for the better, so she's willing to wait to the last class in 4th advanced before making her final decision. She was an X-ray technician who SAW where the gallbladder was, asked in amazement "Don't you SEE it?" and then learned enough to respond to their "Do YOU see it?" with "Of course not." She later said it used to be 4 now it was 8 trampolines she had to sell at $250 to get one free, that the BLANKET was $35, that she was always in debt and needed to write at least $800 in checks each month, and that the teachers and Bruce said, when she body-worked them, that her HUMAN hands were enormous in comparison to her stubby creature-hands. She talked about many boyfriends, which made me feel better for her, and assured me that my body looked to be in fine shape, and that if I DID go into my organs, I would find only MINOR things wrong at best. Decided to arrange a second session with her, at least, and see how it works, but ALSO to try the others to see if they're as fascinating to meet the first time as SHE had been.

DIARY 12440
11/9/77

ACTUALISM BODYWORK WITH JOAN ANN

She does a neck, spine, and hip for $7.50 with me facedown on the table, saying she'd invented a synthetic pillow that IN FACT let people breathe with their heads into the pillows, as I said we needed when she dug her fingers into the base of my skull and I said she STARTED JUST WHERE the pain was centered (just as she asked me about EXERCISE JUST AS I was thinking of asking her about exercise, and she said she was sure I'd do pullups and situps in correct moderation). She spoke of the laser in her elbow, and REALLY DUG into my back, so that I could feel the crossbar of the yoke coming apart in her handling, but lower down I grunted with the pain and exhaled and gasped as she levered down much more strongly than Bruce did, second only to the intensity of Michael, whom she said was almost a SAINT of manipulation now that he did rolfing with LIGHTED fingers. She laughed and joked and talked through it, complimenting me on my sensations down to my fingers and toes, when I said my toes were COLD, she just instructed me to fill them with my HUMAN, and it seemed almost to WORK, saying that I didn't seem to be so insensitive as I'd thought, and AGAIN I said, as I'd thought about before, "Almost everything I say has another side to it, and I tend to exaggerate not in my favor." She asked why I just didn't give myself (when I described my success with "letting") to the sensations, and I had to admit, near tears, that if I WANTED to create a philosophy, Actualism might be very close to it. She again mentioned the previous work of Hubbard and Schofield together, sort of believed in engrams, and said that in BASIC she kept hearing angels sing and blow trumpets until someone said "If she says that once more I'll scream" and then later in advanced they had to admit that THEY heard them blowing their trumpets TOO, and the teachers would just go along with them. I still felt confused about whether the thing was REAL or not, and it came up a number of times in the next few days (see DIARY 12443) with Bob Rosinek and Dennis. Told her that I was probably adding more significance to it than it warranted, anyway. I farted a lot, apologized, but she didn't seem to notice, let alone mind. Lay for "10 minutes" when she said, and got up "just 30 seconds away" as she said, and jumped on her trampoline and left in the rain, having lighted coffee which wasn't bitter to something that MAY have been a bit mellower, but I was reluctant THERE too to offer results that appealed to my senses. She said I needed lots of bodywork.

DIARY 12443
11/9/77

BOBR AND ME ABOUT ACTUALISM

When Bob said he'd GOTTEN where his pictures said he'd be (see conversation DIARY 12442) (he'd always spent as if he had lots of money, even on the Riviera when he was broke), I said that I HAD no pictures of where I WANTED to get to be, since it was such a kick for me to HAVE what I'd wanted: money, independence, nice apartment, lover, sex, and my thoughts were directed toward liking the idea that I had MORE now that I had before, but the future only produced a desire for MORE of the same. I said I wanted to write, and he said that'd been around for a long time. I got back to my mother and he leapt on, saying that I had to make her wrong by being right, and how did I benefit by making her wrong? He kept using the "repeater technique" until I felt myself not being able to say anything, blocked, and thought to talk to Dennis about getting into Auditing for EARNEST (see DIARY 12446). Then he said "If you clear it up, it'll become only a memory" and I accused him of reading about Dianetics or hearing it in est, which he'd done neither. "What would happen if you made an asshole of yourself?" he kept asking, and I kept sputtering. When I said I was afraid of being conned by Actualism, HE said that I was being conned by MYSELF, and that sounded good: I could either continue or get out, but it was silly to continue to not get anything from it that I wanted. Felt constrained in talking to him because I DIDN'T want to tell him that I was no longer excited by him (though he could see that in my soft cock, see DIARY 12444), and knew that he wouldn't have enough TIME to follow through any topics of conversation. He didn't seem to think there was anything "fishy" about Actualism, only about my not wanting to get the most from it. I said I didn't want to worry like my mother did, but he says that I worry a lot anyway: don't worry about it, just CHANGE. I felt frustrated talking to him, since obviously it was plain in the relationship that I wasn't getting what I wanted (a satisfactory sex experience with him), so NOW the shoe was pinching and I wanted to find out what I could do about it. Settled into talking about HIM some more until he left, but I felt more unresolved than even, more sure that something was wrong, more puzzled about how to solve it.

DIARY 12449
11/10/77

ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #17

Faye's delighted that I've read her book on Hawaii, and everyone's chatting merrily away. Michael sits next to me and says that Malcolm's already giving out oil and vibrator sessions! and I feel a twinge of jealousy that he's "ahead" of me. Bruce asks quickly if anyone's had a particularly good or bad week, but there are no volunteers so he quickly gets into the connection between the Wisdom Power Ray and COMMUNICATION, describing the four malfunctions: if our dynamic is hyperstimulated we'll say too much at inappropriate times, understimulated and we'll not communicate enough; if our magnetic is hyperstimulated, others will say too much that we don't need to hear (have to understimulate my magnetic around Arnie), understimulated they don't tell us things that we'd rather hear. When we get into it I follow things, having brief moments of loss of contact even during the forming of the hierarchy, but since he said he wasn't calling on anyone (though he told Tony he could stand and blurted "Janet" once and Michael's head crashed against the wall in back of him so hard that it made me smile, but get that same feeling of despair that I'm not GETTING anything, so much so that I begin to fear that I'll have to drop out of the group and fall BACK, which would be a TERRIBLE failure, ALMOST worse than dropping out completely. He keeps saying what glorious sensations we should be having, and I start thinking "I want results," and when he says to look at the images, I get the most terrible response: "You can't always GET what you want." Well, I think miserably, surely I'm not going to live forever, which I want; nor am I going to see every place in the world I want to see, read the books I want to read, or meet the people I want to meet, but you don't have to rub it in HERE. Then he says to "validate your perceptions" and I think "My perception is of nothing, so I should validate nothing---is "nothing" valid??" Then I get caught in the semantics, there are so many choices: 1) Is the "nothing" that one is to get from est (the space in which to do everything) valid??---it seems NOT, at least not at THIS time. 2) Is the "nothing" that I'm getting NOW valid??---I HOPE not, since I'm supposed to be getting an experience of the energies and the group power and where in my body I am. 3) Is "nothing at all anytime anywhere" valid??---I VERY STRONGLY hope not, since that would be nihilism, a phrase that passed through my mind then, and even I have to admit that there are indications that there's more to be had than that. 4) Is "the actual CONCEPT of nothingness" valid?? I don't think so, since it could AT THE MOST have only a PHILOSOPHICAL value in an ontological sense: as something that exists BEFORE anything exists (though if EVER "nothing" existed, where did anything EVER come from, and obviously this is bound up in the idea of TIME, so only OUTSIDE of time could "nothing" ever exist---in other words, "nothing" could only exist BEFORE the timescale began---but what does the word BEFORE mean in the phrase "before the timescale began?" I find it momentarily difficult to THINK in terms of "before time" or "outside time." as if "nothing" had to cease and "something" had to start COINCIDENTALLY with time, which leads to the idea that TIME is something, which of course, why didn't I think of it before, time IS. Should have realized that "nothing" would HAVE to mean "no time." But "nothing" also has to mean "no space" and "no idea" and, even, "no beginnings." So what can be SAID (I hear the joke coming) about the universe at the point (two jokes, now) of "no time, no space, no idea, no beginnings"?? HAHA#1: NOTHING! HAHA#2: There IS no "point" there, neither in the universe because if the universe had a point there would be something and not nothing, nor in the logicosemantic point of the word in the sentence that would MAKE a "something" of the universe without time, space, idea, or beginnings. So, in sum, there is NOTHING to be said about NOTHING. When anything is SAID about nothing, it becomes SOMETHING. When something is SAID, or MOVED, or STARTED, or TIMED in the universe, there is no longer "nothing" there. So "nothing" is an "unthinkable" (since thinking about it makes it SOMETHING) "pre"time/ space/ idea/ beginning. And it might be a "post"time/ space/ idea/ ending, too, but AGAIN there is nothing to say about it, or it would cease to be nothing. (Just spend about 40 minutes looking for the SciAM article on "Nothing." Can't find it.) (There was nothing where it should have been??) Then I REFUSE to be quelled, and he talks about drawing identity from the negative images, and I EFFORT to draw my identity from these, and it seems to work. Moving into the left half of the field, he talks (oh, before that it seemed quite clear to me that I wasn't breathing fully enough. When he went around the room before asking for opinions on Center 9, I had to say it was completely obstructed. I could barely get DOWN there, and felt NO beams going out. To my relief, I FORCED some beams out from Center 4, and then it seemed to get easier, particularly when THEN I realized I was breathing VERY shallowly, so I started THINKING of my breathing, and it got progressively better) of the conflict of DEMANDING to know and REJECTING what there is to know. Talk about INSTANT IDENTIFICATION! I breathe almost to the point of choking, throat sore, and I can feel tears streaming down my face as I realize there's SOMETHING here to work with, and merely PARTICIPATING to that extent makes the doldrums run away. A little later he talks about the ARROGANCE and know-it-all attitudes he sees, and I can identify at times with that, too, and feel good that he IS perceptive of what's going on around him. When I report, I say what I wanted, then conclude that "I'm glad we got this to work on during the two weeks we're off, since there's a lot of work to be done there" expecting agreement, and as Rebekah did last week when I said "It'll be better during the week, as it usually is when it's bad during the class," he said "THAT'S AN IMAGE." He proceeded to explain that I shouldn't THINK that something "will come." Maybe it WILL, maybe it will NEVER. There may be revelations during the class, or they may come later, but I shouldn't STATE when they will or won't come. He kept insisting that it's not AWFUL to find out the truth, and I thought not of homosexuality but of "What would happen if people found you were an asshole?" that RobR and Dennis kept hitting me with. Then he described a PROJECT of keeping a daily or weekly journal of processing, problems, and breakthroughs IF we don't find we have enough to occupy ourselves with the regular lessons and practices. He wanted to talk about it, but Kathy had a test the next day and wanted to leave. Michael again brushed me down, feeling weak. Elliott reports that he's bored with Medical School and Janet manages a kid's school on 80th between Columbus and Amsterdam!!

DIARY 12475
11/14/77

ACTUALISM NOW IN MY LIFE

After many pages of agonizing about it, it seems like a good time for a summary concerning Actualism: I'm IN it, but it's not working as much as I'd LIKE it to work, so I'm now willing to do MORE with it: which has been proved by my scheduling bodywork tonight with Bruce, and phoning Actualism to talk about getting an X-out, one of the highpoints (judging machine again, see DIARY 12474) of my work, in the line with what Joan Ann said about going from my strong points and letting them bolster my weak points. Then I feel that I've been saving up questions for the teachers, which isn't fair: they don't have much time, but they'd probably take a call a week rather than 6 questions in one call. It would SEEM TO THEM as if I'd been writing them down, and the process should be more flexible and spontaneous, like life should be for me, which is one of the reasons why I'm getting all the old stuff off the Do list! But I hope to be more ritualistic in my practice: no more missed practices, more of them in the morning, more calls to the Star Center when they don't seem to be going well. Let's TRY the lighting of the food before asking questions about it---though I have to admit I don't know what to USE on it at this point! I seem to be quite thoroughly away from est and any other PAYING regimen, so I can afford to take more body sessions---and as I said, Joan Ann was so interesting, it would be a kick to see what the OTHERS from second advanced are like, and then just TODAY Bruce said (possibly again, but I don't remember), that George Pearson was gay and shy, so THAT might be QUITE interesting, though I don't think of him as my type, it would be interesting to compare notes with ANOTHER openly gay Actualism student---though wouldn't I like to compare notes with Matthew?! So things seem to have smoothed out again, and they'll remain smoothed out (see the image coming!) since I don't have another class to ruffle things up until Carol Ann comes on November 27. But there's Lois, and Joan Ann, and Bruce, and an X-out, so my psyche should have more than enough to keep it busy, and maybe the WISDOM light's at the bottom of ALL this activity and this INCESSANT writing, recently, about Actualism.

DIARY 12477
11/15/77

BODY SESSION WITH BRUCE LIEBER

He's playing some Scotch pipe music, varied by fingering, wristing, pulling on a leg strap, and droning, and he mentions that his roommate is into Ananda-Marg, or something, and lives like a monk, on a pallet on the floor with a shell hiding a light on his guru's picture on an altar. He passes to go to the john as I'm laying, slightly chilly, on the table, and then Bruce gets into me with a different head on his vibrator and a completely different touch: firm, assured, and in some cases even TOO rough, particularly at the front of the scalp. But mainly he feels like he's getting into good areas: around the back of the neck, the bulk of muscles across the back now that I'm doing pullups, tickling-hurting inside the backs of the legs, and making me flinch through the bottoms of the feet. As the room gets cooler and cooler my nose is getting more stuffed, relieved, when I dangle my arms over the edges of the table to let them "drain," and HE'S filled up with all sorts of activations that he says is good for him, but he gets warmer and warmer until, when he gives me final brushdowns, his hands feel literally FEVERISHLY warm, with a dry roughness as if he'd been in the desert. When we talked afterwards, after I still felt chilly under the wrinkled sheet, with my tissues at my side for my ludicrously stuffed nose, I said I had no idea whether I wanted to take the body session training at all, but then he said that George Pearson told him that it about doubled everyone's rate of progress through Actualism, and Bruce showed me a sheet of about 22 names and dates, saying that he had 8 more to go before the next checking session, at which he didn't get a raise above his current $3 rate, but that after 15 sessions of that he could raise himself to $4, so it sounds like 15 at $2.50, 30 at $3, and who knows how many at $5 before one was permitted to go to $7. We chatted about Joan Ann, whom he didn't like, telling about his predicting WHEN they decided what to do about class, and I told him about my experiences with the room becoming filled with "archetypes" sitting in the forms of my erstwhile friends, which is what his experience reminded me about. He saw himself a couple years ahead without glasses and with a new straightforward look, and he kept saying that I looked SO open after the session, but when I bent over to raise my eyebrows at myself in the mirror, of COURSE my eyebrows were raised, and I sort of pooh-poohed it, though he was pleased at my feeling Joan's session.

DIARY 12478
11/15/77

ACTUALISM: MY FEELING CONNED VS RUSSELL'S FEELING

I felt that I'd invested a lot of time and money already into Actualism, but during lightwork it occurred to me that RUSSELL must have HORRENDOUS doubts, since it's human to doubt, he's still human (though many people wouldn't hear about it, and those who would totally support him, unless THEY were feeling down, which would probably force HIM to feel up again). Even Christ doubted, so I don't suspect Russell is above Christ. Should he have gone with Hubbard into Scientology, should he retire, and let someone else take over (since of his followers there must be at least SOME that he would see as drawing even with his powers), should he just stop and admit that we don't seem to be changing the world much at ALL? He must still have financial setbacks (surprised to hear that San Francisco's operation is smaller than here: they have only about 50 students), and plans that don't quite work out, and bad days. I have only myself to worry about, but he (and Werner, whom I characterized to Bruce as painting himself into a corner where he HAS to prove himself, which would stimulate him in a way and, when it got THROUGH to him, be TERRIBLY disturbing) has the whole weight of the organization on his shoulders. And then, though everyone says he'll be around for years, what if something like a plane wreck DID happen, wouldn't there be a crisis in the faithful and splinter groups and increased religiousness as in EVERY organization? He must have his detractors as everyone does, though the organization isn't powerful enough to get powerful detractors. What if there's a cataclysm in California that they're caught in (like the Bible School that lost 35 in a dam burst), wouldn't that cause a severe crisis that he hadn't SEEN it? What if Carol Ann, or Lois, or one of the teachers wrecks a car, wouldn't that be a crisis? But the fact that there HAVEN'T been even RUMORS like this says something rather spectacular about the current organization as it is. Funny how my ACCEPTING the postulates of the organization thoroughly over the past week has opened such a QUESTIONING view of it, on a different basis, forming a base for observations of the same kind in the future, which this prefaces.

DIARY 12480
11/15/77

HAND PSYCHIC SURGERY WITH LOIS

Complimented her on her gold-diffraction pendant after paying Rebekah $30 for the session, and she said that George Pierson had given it to her, and would I like some coffee, sorry she didn't have any milk. I took some, to wake up, and maybe predicting I would cough, though my nose was surprisingly clear when I went in. I said last week had been VERY heavy, and she said it had been for EVERYONE, and we laughed about being glad about that. I told her Joan Ann had been very good with bodywork, then mentioned the "demand/reject" syndrome that Bruce mentioned on Wednesday, saying that I identified (knew it was wrong) with that, then repeated the "Help me, betcha can't" from Bill's tape. Yes, she said we'd get into that, and she quickly gathered awareness simultaneously from all areas and had me concentrate on my arms and hands. At first they felt swollen, but when I concentrated on my right hand, it went down to normal, tingling slightly, but I had to say that I could feel very little in my arm: no shape at all. She worked over it, coughing and burping, and at one time someone out the window gave an enormous hacking cough, and later someone next door chuffed, so I began to wonder if there weren't activations all around thanks to Lois's noises. I could feel more of my arms as she worked, and told her so. It seemed to be going fast; she seemed pleased. The left worked even faster, and soon they were balanced. She asked me to note other places, particularly shoulders or back of neck, and I felt the back of my neck but figured it was from pullups---anyone, I figured, would have that. She worked quickly and smoothly, and I had to admit I felt my arms their normal size, though at one point she said to let the MATRIX flow down the arm, and remembering Rebekah's statement that "the matrix is an old word for Human Body," I visualized this brown bearskin-rug-like covering rolling down my arms like window blinds, and told Lois about it in great amusement. She was not amused, "since the matrix is inside the body." I sat thinking of the question: "I thought they were the same, what's the difference?" and she fumbled, saying that the matrix was INSIDE, but would be studied more in detail in more advanced work, that the human WAS larger, but I should just know that every organ had a matrix ("Like at their organizational centers?" I again questioned, and she avoided that, too), as well as the whole complex of organs in the body, and THAT was what I should feel coming down. I said I felt fine and whole, now my arms were feeling as good as my hands, and indeed I felt blood pumping in my forearms. Then she asked for assimilation, but insisted on going to my shoulders and back of neck, so I concentrated there and felt the "normal" horizontal orientation of the muscles replaced by a decided vertical feeling of a bony spine (as I'd mentioned an X-ray film of the small bones in the wrist once she asked about how my hand felt), which I said AFTER she said "There was a large metal plate on your back, caused by doubt, which "They" (and I longed to ask about "they" but didn't) put there when they came in through the back, which is magnetic. I did unquestionably feel that the curve of my back went from the SLOPING FORWARD curve of certain wooden coat hangers (I said coat hanger before she said "metal plate" however) to the straight-across configuration of others that match the wire hangers. At this point I could feel the blood in my UPPER arms, and reported that with a good deal of pleasure, feeling that something had ACTUALLY been done. Then I sat absorbing the last of it, and my stomach was decidedly there, so I ASKED if there wasn't a body session that dealt with that, and she said not aside from the oil and vibrator, but she said "Let's have a look---oh, ALL the organs are crying for attention" and started working and I could FEEL bubblings and movements that caused me to fart a few times and trickle gas along intestines, but it DID feel better, and I said that I felt all of a piece, which I hoped she wouldn't take the wrong way, and when I touched down, it was 12:30, so she had to let me go. I'd asked if an X-out would be proper between her and Lois, and she thought it would be great, as she thought my body session with Joan Ann on Monday would be great and as she thought my bodywork LAST night was, opening me up for this. Joan Ann also said that she was surprised I felt her so long, "modestly" saying that Bruce Jaffe must have opened my body up for her working on it, since she hadn't tried THAT hard, though she smiled when we agreed I HAD wanted to work hard that evening.

DIARY 12508
11/22/77

JOAN ANN'S ADVICE ABOUT FOOD AND OTHERS

She says that artificial vitamins are no good because they don't have the "life" that the natural vitamins do. Insists that I should order an "S cell" for $2.50 from California to put into the bottom of a gallon of water and sit for 22 hours to remove all chemicals, organisms, and radiation from the water ("Which will come in handy after the atom bombs explode," she says rather over-loudly!). She says that for my graying hair I should eat large amounts of unsulfured black-strap molasses and drink yarrow tea. For my mole, I should apply black-strap molasses, which will remove it in a number of months equal to the number of years I've had it. She insists that she eats no meat, only fresh fruit and vegetables, and I don't want her to say that to me. She uses very little sugar, and that's brown, which is sugar to which molasses has been added. She drinks very little wine, but says that even Bruce takes about five minutes to process the wine enough for him to drink, but then it's fabulous. She's pleased that I've taken to lighting my food. Dorothy had the cyst on her forehead for 20 years, and then last year a doctor removed it, but he didn't remove the roots, so she came over last night, they worked on it, some more in the morning after Joan's hour practice, and during the day Dorothy could feel, without pain, the roots being extracted and incorporated into the body of the tumor for easy extraction. Joan said she was very good, suffered no pain, and it came out easily with an Exacto knife she'd had for 10 years and sharpened under a pyramid. She recommended the trampoline for my flabby body, said that I should get some sort of energy blanket, and said that her hair came out gray even though she was only 37 years old, guessing me to be in my late 40s, though my face looked to be in the early 30s. I should take her nutrition course, which may begin in February or which may be given in one day for $17, and Russell had been there when they were looking for the penthouse to be the center, but Carol Ann didn't like it. She tried to get me to feel the heat and vibrations from a principles book, but I only got the pebbled cover versus the cool slipcover of another book. She said only Marilyn liked David Spangler, but his eyes twinkled so much that he obviously had a lot of power himself.

DIARY 12509
11/22/77

JOAN ANN'S SECOND BODY SESSION

I lay on my stomach and she covered me with the sheet, then with the eucalyptus oil. She kept forgetting to ask how one side felt before she went on to the other, so engrossed was she in telling me about her nutrition class (see DIARY 12508). But there was a definite difference in LENGTH sensed in each side, and I told her so, and she was pleased that Lois removed a plate off my back, and chortled that Lois was 73 and certainly didn't look it. She seemed to dig in just as hard, but when I said that it was bringing up phlegm, she didn't SAY that she was easing off, but she DID seem to ease off, though it may only have been my constant consciousness that I should be magnetic to her dynamic. She laughed about someone in the classes that she'd made a play for, who has a hernia that she wants to treat, and then laughs about the possibility of her "stimulating some of his tissues" when he's on the table. I feel like I want to say SOMETHING about my gayness if only to protect myself from her, but don't have a chance to fit that in in any normal way. Talk about my skepticism, and she immediately says it's because I don't WANT to believe, and I quickly agree and get no answer when I ask "But what can I do about it?" Keep trying NOT to get myself into the frame of mind that "nothing will ever happen" or "I'll never be able ... " which even I can recognize as being unutterably negative. She seems to go easier on the massaging portions of it, too, not digging in nearly as deeply as Bruce did last week, and she seems to be over more quickly too: even the final 10 minutes of assimilation seemed to go much faster, unless in fact I dozed off as I had the feeling I might, though I don't remember any discontinuities. I felt that I had to keep denying that I felt anything, though I liked the grape juice she served me, though again I came up with stomach rumbles and farts that she said she'd match me in anytime. She shooed me out quickly since she'd been going since 7 am (also went up to try to cure cancer-ridden rats at another experiment in a hospital) and frankly admitted to being tired. I'll have to take one of her classes to repay all the advice she so freely gives me.

DIARY 12513
11/25/77

ACTUALISM X-OUT (WITH BRUCE) #2

I start by saying that everything's piling up around me, and mention my previous intention to work on Arrogance, but say that I'm more willing now to say "I don't know," except that LOTS is coming up for me to say "I don't know" about. He's willing to talk about it for awhile, and I tell him about some of the details when he seems to imply that I'm talking too much and says that I may have trouble assimilating things, and I seize on that, saying "That's true, I have ease in magnetic and consuming, but Dynamic doesn't seem to do anything." He says we'll work with the Soul Power Ray, since that's for making things clear to view, and he does a quick gathering and lights the ray from centers 1-9 and then says we'll work nonverbally for awhile, which is good, because I thought we were BOTH talking a lot. He asked how I felt, and I had to say that I didn't feel anything, and then I got into more talking about junk. Somewhat later he insisted I tell him how something felt in back of me, and I had to confess that I could have IMAGES or IDEAS, about how things felt (at one point I said "my brain-mind" did something, since I'd thought I recalled getting criticized in class about saying that I did something and they insisted that my BRAIN-Mind did it, and at THIS time he says that I sounded divided within myself, and I said that I'd always HAD a good sense of being unified until Bill got into Gurdjieff (one of the things I mentioned was David Spangler and how much his book sounded like Gurdjieff, and how I couldn't understand either, AND I couldn't understand why George Pierson would say we should be protected against "Close Encounters," but Bruce said that I needed to be protected against the influences of the AUDIENCE, which would be activated by the film)---and then he cut me off by saying that I should not have to JUSTIFY myself so much) but that I didn't have actual EXPERIENCE about how things WERE. (I've later hoped it wasn't implied that I NEVER felt things, since there have been times when I HAVE, like going to Center 1 the first time, and a few of the energies in a few of the places) (but not that MUCH). So he began asking me to go to the edge of my field: I could only report a photo-like image of New York City, with the image of a shiny bubble "out there" somewhere. No, he insisted I EXPERIENCE it. At length he said I should start from the center and go outward, and I said it was OK to the door and maybe out to my coat, but he got exasperated and said that the field wasn't in this vibrational plane and had nothing to DO with externals. When I again tried to locate it with external references, he said "It CAN'T be physical, or else people would clunk into each other," and I burst into laughter, saying something about these "great big billiard balls" and he agreed with laughter. I could get it out about 10 feet, and he said (OH, yes, he started by saying I should go STRAIGHT BACK, and I felt I couldn't, though he admitted that that was the hardest direction, since we can't SEE back there) that he saw a stone wall back there. I concentrated on it and felt that it was getting smaller, as he directed, and told him that I sneaked out to the right or left and that it FELT better out that way. We worked on the back gain, and then he agreed to let me go out on the right for a large distance, but I said that I felt DISTINCTLY unbalanced, that couldn't I do it in a balanced way, and THEN he said to go to a sphere. When the obstruction in the back was gone, I could go farther out, and when he pressed me for a distance, I said it wasn't 100 feet, as he hopefully suggested, but "maybe 50 or 60" feet, and he said that THAT was an increase by a factor of 5 from only 10 feet, and then came BACK to the X-out. I said that I kept getting images of failure, and he kept insisting that I should rev up the consuming fire of the ray. When he said to assimilate, I said that I didn't think a ray could assimilate, and he said that I should assimilate, and I said that that was the first time I'd understood that I could do anything, without localizing it to various egos or creations, and he didn't say anything. At another point he said that it was taking something from more advanced work, but I should just bring up image after image, withdraw identity from it, and consume them in the pale yellow-gold energy, and LOTS of images came up, and I said I was getting a lot of "I don't know" along with the failures, and later it occurred to me that "I don't know" was TANTAMOUNT to a failure for a judging machine, since it couldn't immediately decide whether something was right or wrong, whether the answer was yes or no. He kept being very encouraging, kept telling me to magnify presence, never once said that I would have to be left back (though I wonder how much he might have been relieved at the thought that he wouldn't be around after the next 3 or 4 weeks, so he'd never have to give me another X-out until he was reassigned to New York), and flattering me by indicating that he was willing to bring a technique from advanced to work on my problem with me. Toward the end, he asked how some of my images looked from the point of view of a 5-foot field, and I readily said they looked quite small, and said that he HAD worked with the idea of arrogance, too, since I think of myself as only 6 feet in size, so that something 50 feet in size WOULD make me look small, which would be a good lesson for my intellectual arrogance, since nothing in Actualism says that brain-mind goes out for more than 6 feet. He gave me a good brushdown at the end, and I used a couple of tissues after he said I should rest for a few minutes, and I was surprised to see that it was as late as 12:35. I got up for a tissue and wobbled on my feet, and he came back to say that he should have said that I should touch down in center 2, forebrain, and old brain so that I'd be balanced on landing, and I said I should have done that. It seemed that a lot of the EXACT processing has vanished, which is good in any extent, and we'd talked at the beginning about my fears (which I hadn't known before!) of all my MEMORY of the past being erased with the BAD IMAGES, but he assured me that my memory would serve to tell me now far I'd come, and the lessons learned from the past would stand out clearly BASED on the past, and it was almost as if I were questioning the benefits from the diary, and he said they were fine, that I could keep them. He'd had reddened eyes when I went in, he yawned a few times and burped a lot during processing, and hugged nicely briefly at the end, and seemed to let me go without making me feel like I had to apologize for myself, so it was a good session, productive (since I feel better about it a few days later), and totally different from Rebekah's #1, though with the SAME power rays.

DIARY 12522
11/28/77

ACTUALISM: CAROL ANN

Chairs for 14 in the inner circle are filled with me, Dorothy, Richard, Tony (dressed for his anniversary party tonight), Malcolm (looking better than ever), Michael (looking fabulous), an Oriental who say's he's pushy, a plain woman who says that all the dynamics torture her when they find she's sensitive, Kathy, Faye, Janet, Maureen, Elliott, and Marilyn. Filling the rest of the room are Rebekah, Jan, Lois, and Bruce, and Carol Ann strides in with a brilliant red-orange velour suit on with the softest possible creamy white turtleneck soft around her rather indefinite chin. The first reaction is to her mass of blonde-gray curls, looking youthful without the franticness of a "Little Orphan Annie." Her eyes are bright gray-blue, with lashes that stand out in her profile as she sits in front of me, between me and the light, and there are various layers of profile-images in front of her face as my eyes shift from the relative darkness of her face against the relative lightness of the lighting fixture. A pot of flowers is directed into the room, from "Groups A&B," the two Second Advanced groups, and WE are "Group G" on the board, though we are hardly the 7th, since some of the intermediate ones have vanished. She sits quietly in her chair as the people gather, and the Japanese is the last to sit and Bruce closes the outside door. She gives the tiniest taps with outspread fingers on the arms of her chair, looking non-fixedly downward at the table, as if gathering her thoughts. A respectful silence falls over the room. She raises her head and begins talking about "Image Government," and how much she has to fight against the images that people have of her and that she has of whom she meets. She rather implies that "naturally" she'd like and dislike some of us on sight, but that she has to allow herself into us, and we have to allow her into us, and we will end up far more intimate friends than at the start. She starts talking about "intimate space," and it seems that she means physical closeness, but then starts talking about the field extending out about 30 feet as the "intimate space," beyond which can be set up a sphere which deflects people's unwanted dynamics so that they spin themselves out of their energy. If they're SO bad, the essence which is left can be absorbed by HER, if they're not THAT bad, the essence can be boosted by love and sent back to them. She states that most of the session will be done with open eyes, since the closing of eyes implies a turning inward, away from the person speaking, just as "as you all know" eyes looking out their sides are those of scorn and/or anger. She gave the clearest explanation of merging Brain-Mind with Incarnating Ego that I've ever heard, saying that both, as living creations, have Magnetics and Dynamics, so the magnetic of the one absorbs the dynamic of the other and vice versa for a complete union. As an open-eyed practice, she had us open our magnetics to her dynamic, requesting that we EXPERIENCE the difference in our magnetics before and after receiving her dynamic, and then said that we could send out our dynamics to her, and that in both cases the individual sets up the limits to which the dynamic can penetrate into the magnetic, so that WE have the choice of accepting as much or as little of the other's magnetic as WE wish. She described the dynamic as operating straight-line and the magnetic as operating in curves, but that when they merged one with the other, both filled the field completely, spherically, in perfect union. The woman's movement was said to be divisive, but she was sure that some of the actions were needed, if only to show the opposite of what was true now. What was REALLY needed, she said, was HUMAN liberation, so that BOTH men and woman could exercise BOTH their magnetic/ feminine aspect AND their dynamic/ masculine aspect. "How can anyone say that a straight line is better than a curve?" Later, she said that the curves are convenient for getting AROUND blocks that straight-line dynamics are just blocked by: gently ENFOLDING the obstacle in the magnetic until it can be loosened and FLOATED away without bothering to disintegrate the structure of the blockage itself. It could be floated this 30 feet away where they could be consumed, since it wouldn't do for us sensitives to clutter up the EARTH'S field with all these bits of debris, as people before us had done, so WE now have the earth's field to clear up. At various times I despaired of remembering a FRACTION of what she said, but didn't agitate over it, having faith in their idea that the ESSENCE would be there for its benefits, while Brain-Mind would get whatever it needed. She very soon got into the idea of a Treasure Chest, where we would tuck ideas that we knew we would ALWAYS respect, so that "Even if you were glaring at me in anger, and I said 'What about THIS?' you would grit your teeth and glare in greater anger and say 'Yes, that's perfectly true.'" Most of what she said was said with a lightness and a smile that made ME smile, though people smiled more or less in the room. She strongly reminded me of Lily Tomlin in her wittiness and her femininity with a strong core of masculinity beneath ("Feel my MASCULINE" she said as she sent out her dynamic, obviously proud of its power): she would pull at the end of her nose, rest her finger on her bottom lip in thought, move her head from side to side as if entertaining an audience, and throw lines from an uptilted jaw that just seemed to capture the crux of Tomlin's delivery. Carol Ann also looked very much like Lois, though the accents were quite different. Lois was 73 looking 55, while Carol Ann could be in her 60s looking a very together 40s. I'd gotten a TREMENDOUS gem for my treasure chest when she said "Don't worry about what's going to happen to you after your life, you're all coming back HERE. You're on the life-path of service, so you'll be coming BACK." I felt so good about that that tears came to my eyes and almost flowed down my cheeks. I thought of Father Fiala's "mental cocktails" and knew this was a jewel of one. She said that, since we were initiates, we had earned the RIGHT to get off the wheel of reincarnations, but as we were in SERVICE, we would thus CHOOSE to come back right away so that we could continue the task of lightening the world. So it was heartening to get the idea that not only would I be BACK, but I'd be back in an EQUIVALENT position of sensing myself at the FRONTAL EDGE of some sort of progress on inner planes in the world. After a long period of questions she said, "No one's asked about gays and heterosexuals," and Elliott, who'd just finished a question, said "I can take a hint, what ABOUT gays and heterosexuals?" and then she declared a break from 7:20 to 7:35. There was another break, shorter, from about 8:45 to 8:55, at which time she said we'd finish at 9:15, but then she continued to about 9:40, and I said "What ABOUT gays and heterosexuals?" She laughed and said that sexuality needed talking about: it had to go with the generative power which had been misused by initiates in Atlantis, causing the end of that civilization and the stopping of the power to generate form by thought (they tried to generate living creatures to help speed up processing, she said) by putting an unbreakable dam at the top of the pelvis so that the Kundalini power could NOT rise. "Many have tried, and all have failed because it's in the guidelines for this world that we WILL fail with that. So there's no use trying." There's a kundalini yoga, but that can't do anything. But sex is very important, particularly when done with love and light, but how silly anyone would be to characterize themselves by saying "I AM a homosexual," as if what they WERE were determined ONLY by the liking of one set of genital organs for another. "Imagine characterizing yourself because of two genital organs," she laughed. Richard on the subway later said that Bruce Jaffe would get rather traditional about sex roles, but he was pleased to hear that Carol Ann was so light about them. I'd done a STRANGE thing: to pass the time before the subway I fantasized that I would fall madly in love with the third person that came down the stairs. Waited a long time for the third person, a local came and went, and the third person down the stairs was RICHARD! I immediately interpreted that I'd fall in love with him as a member of the group, which indeed looked VERY much more like a loving group after that session: Kathy's report was FAR more human and less flip than any I'd heard; Janet was blushing with the pleasure of feeling chosen rather than seeming above it all; Faye was smiling and easygoing; Tony said that he felt he was always dynamic and tried the new mellowness of magnetic and liked it, and I'd WONDERED why he wasn't talking to anyone at the breaks. Marilyn could hardly keep from crying; Dorothy seemed so radiant that Carol Ann kept looking at her, which I was jealous of, as I told Dorothy as she brushed me down; and she was caressed by Michael, who looked stronger and steadier than ever before, but who was saying that his always-open magnetic got people around him that he didn't want, and now he knew why. Which may make him even more aloof-appearing, but I guess that's what he wants. I felt like being more magnetic, particularly at the baths. Malcolm said he knew that his eyes could be very dynamic, and in the hall he said that it sounded JUST like the Bailey work, which met on full-moon nights, and Marilyn agreed with him. Elliott said that he felt he could tolerate more the people he didn't care for on the surface, and it may be more than coincidence that we chatted as Marilyn searched for her car in the snow in three different directions. Maureen seemed frowning and unsure throughout, but her tiny amount of blue eye-makeup made her look somewhat more appealing. The girl kept talking about "sensitive" when I'm SURE she meant "shy" and it may be that Carol Ann agreed, rather snapping at her. Richard kept saying it was just what he needed, and I got the impression a NUMBER of times that she was talking RIGHT to me. "You all want the Fourth of July. You want GREAT resounding verifications that this is working. You won't get it that way. You'll get it from the side of subtlety: you know what it's like when you go into a room and feel the vibrations of the room, the relation-lines between the people, know whether it's lit or dark. You can feel the lines of vibration in the room here, and it's high-frequency low-intensity that works best. If you go out in high-frequency high-intensity, you'll terrify everyone, bringing up their images of worthlessness, and they'll be out to GET the person who made them feel so worthless. So you can't DO that, and part of the classes are meant to teach this. Go for the subtlety, the slight change; it's the best. I asked her about the five or ten year plans of the organization: We first had to get teachers, she said, and then implied that they now HAD a crop of teachers and they wee reaching the point of contentment at "staff" level, and now they could begin working on the "field" level, where trained light workers would start taking leading positions in key areas in the world, and she lapsed into a political statement to say that it was very clear that the United States did NOT have enlightened leadership, and that there was a GREAT need for someone to come along that would WITHDRAW the dynamic of the United States from the world, which made it so VERY hated everywhere else ("No one loves someone who gives, gives, and gives---it makes them feel small, and then makes them want to take. You KNOW that the welfare system is NO GOOD AT ALL to the dynamic of a person---it CUTS IT OFF" with the obvious implication almost stated in the disgusted turn of her head.), and also to withdraw the magnetic, which is misinterpreted and hated. The ultimate aim, she said, was the earthing of the Cosmic Mother Energy and the earthing of the Higher Will Power Ray, neither of which have yet been done. The larger and more intense the groups, the greater the chance of this being done, since she said that the Higher Will Power Ray involved a group working together in the light of Higher Will without once any of the members inverting for a three-day period of time: at that time it would be earthed. Then she asked if I wanted to hear about the plans for 50 or 100 years? Yes, yes, I said gleefully. At that range the plans included the building of an ACTUAL City of Light in Time-Space, after building it NOW in the Inner, where more and more work could be done. She may have said other things, too, but the dazzle of what I remember now obscures them. At some points she said there would be more we could know when we got into more advanced work, and only a few times did she insist we were just beginning because we were only at First Advanced and she was at Fourth Advanced (at one break Lois was saying that she'd worked with Russell even BEFORE Carol Ann joined him, which seemed to me to be rotten grapes because Carol Ann and NOT Lois was now the Director of Actualism). I had been planning to ask about the function of lightwork in Actualism, but she answered that during her intro, saying that bodywork helped to earth the energies by teaching it what it felt like to be magnetic for long periods of time, increasing its flexibility and absorptive powers. In response to a question about the human at night, she said that during the DAY the need was for practice of the human and creature operating more synchronously, even suggesting a project of sitting some evening and moving out of the body in the human around the apartment, opening drawers and moving objects around. She told two stories: one of being in bed at night and feeling her human leave her body, leaving her brain-mind to absorb the sensory data of the bedroom, but her human smelled and touched and heard the sensory data of Vietnam, where she saw two men running toward her, saw the hand grenade turning through the air, and grabbed their humans out of their bodies as the grenades tore their bodies apart, and rushed the humans (I think she said) to the hospital. Another evening she was forcefully called to a hospital on the human level, where she acted as a surgeon to mend bodies ("They stare, if they were unenlightened, at a dangling arm with much the horror that an unenlightened body would stare at ITS arm.") torn by an explosion on the HUMAN plane ("Yes, there ARE catastrophes on the human level."). She said that another of the functions of certain initiated ("Though you only get what you're fit for; it you don't like the trauma of death, you won't have to do this.") was to ease the shock of passing over from the creature body to the human body. Another time she was sent into the Pacific ("where I could swim and breathe underwater") to calm the humans of bodies in a plane which had crashed and sunk to the bottom. (JUST got a call from Bruce Lieber as I was SITTING wondering if I should call the Star Center to find what was appropriate to talk about---then talked about practically everything.) She told Michael that it would be best to work from your center 2 to their center 2 with family and friends. She told Faye that she would let HER experience what organ of the earth the United States was, then added, "Don't undersell the United States." She told Janet that she didn't have to make great decisions NOW, just stick around in Actualism, do the work, and earn money however it was convenient: LATER it might come out where she might want to move, where she might live, and how she might earn her money for her livelihood. To Maureen, worried about a friend undergoing radiation treatments for cancer in Johns Hopkins, she told to send the Radiant Warrior energy, but not DURING the radiation treatments. To Richard, who works in a state hospital, she said that other energies (I forget which) would be appropriate. I asked her what "Far Memory" was, and she said that it was the memory of the Incarnating Ego of all the memories of the bodies it has lived in since the beginning---"When WAS that?" I hasten to ask, "When God created your Incarnating Ego" was all she would say. When she talked of images, saying that they would always be there, Faye asked if they then came from some EVIL in the world, and Carol said that this would be something they'd get into farther into advanced work, but that some of the images were MASS MIND images that stemmed from the cataclysm of Atlantis and some were individual ones that came from times in life. She described herself asking her mother "What did I ever do to YOU?" and being TOLD that she had the marvelous skill to go into silent sulks for WEEKS at a time, and she now uses that skill to concentrate on work in Actualism, and where she might have been activated for months or weeks, and then it went down to a couple of hours, now it would be a few minutes or as long as a half-hour---but the energies of negativity would be consumed in HER fires, not directed outward at someone else. "That's the way to mess up someone else but GOOD." Lieber said that she's only about 35 or 40, and that she and Russell were supposed to come into the work together, but she wanted some piece of the outside world, so she stayed outside to get it, and so Russell got in before her. But she DID say that sometimes people who had been involved in drugs made the BEST students, if they followed the class instructions. She talked of marijuana as "spreading the dynamic all over the earth as thin as a pancake." "That's not the way to get anything done, you have to get TOGETHER to have power to do anything." A few times she made references to "Her Warrior" and it was hard to tell whether she meant her energy or her husband, and Bruce said that he had SAID that he would never leave California, but rumor had it that he'd gone to Dallas, so MAYBE he could come to New York sometime. Rebekah had said that Carol Ann would probably never come back, but she actually summed up by saying that she LIKED New York, enjoyed looking at it, and looked forward to coming back. "You're actually coming BACK?" I said, in what may have been a slightly overwrought voice. "Probably," she said with a slight (supercilious?) smile. She said, back at drugs, that the problem was that it controlled you, you didn't control it. "LSD is certainly king of the drugs, and it can show you those horrible monsters that I said you may have seen, and it can show you some of the beauties that you can see more of in Actualism. But what's the final line? You have to die, to get anything out of it, and can you die in any other way except dying? No way!" I KNEW that she was talking directly to me, and Bruce said that in HIS group they didn't get into that much at ALL, saying about sexuality only that it was important and saying nothing about gays and straights. He said that maybe the groups WERE organized around a common personality, and she COULD be rather specific in each group, and I certainly ended up saying more than I intended to him about what Carol Ann said. Her instructions to Maureen about going to sleep (and letting the human go to school elsewhere) were particularly helpful (though Bruce said he did this a NUMBER of times during the day): release the dynamics of others from your magnetic, sending them back with a higher frequency of love and light; releasing your dynamic from the magnetics of others, filling the empty spaces you leave with love and light. Then decide what energy you want to leave your creature body in during the night, harmonize your magnetic with your dynamic, and go to sleep. She kept asking us not to DENIGRATE the creature body: we created it, it works within its limits (just as the immortals work within their limits as prescribed by the ruling gods of earth), and we should be much more happy and touching with it than we are. At least we can practice touching our creature bodies with our human body, sending it love and gratitude, just as the Incarnating Ego, acting as a channel for the love and light of the immortal, can send it love and affection. She kept talking about the HORIZONTAL organization---the idea that EVERYONE has an Immortal on earth, meeting on a CREATURE-BODY basis---and the VERTICAL organization, where we meet and harmonize on the basis of our IMMORTALS as initiates. At the first she asked us NOT to ask her about est or Mind Control, about which she was not an expert, but she'd read some books about Subud and Gurdjieff before getting into Actualism, and she'd concentrated her efforts there. Russell often accused her of dwelling more in the MEANING of the ideas than in the choice of words, sometimes using too much shorthand, but she encouraged us to ask questions and KNOW what she was saying. At the end she asked us to withdraw our dynamics from her magnetic, and to feel how she returned them with higher vibrations with the subtlety of low intensity; and she withdraw her dynamic from our magnetics in the same way. At another point she asked us to check the relationship lines between her center 2 and ours, and asked us to feel the difference in the room. I didn't feel anything, but she assumed everyone felt what they felt. Later, she asked the instructors for their reactions to the evening. Bruce had started by saying that our group was VERY special, being on the last evening of these meetings, because there had been more and more essence left each evening for assimilating. Now Rebekah said that she could see that most of us were in very different positions from these we were in at the beginning of the evening, and she was very happy for us. Jan said that she was sure we'd really have dynamite classes in the next couple of weeks, and Bruce said they'd all said what he wanted to say, and then said something which I've forgotten, but I got the idea they said pretty much the same thing to the classes in general: or maybe OUR class needs far more self-assurance than the other groups do. Carol Ann and I embraced at the end, and she said she was pleased to meet me (though she remembered Michael and Malcolm's names), and I said she had much patience to answer all our questions, and she smiled and said she loved to answer questions, and I said I'd look forward to seeing her next year. To Bruce and Jan I said they were probably sad to have to leave this great group for 3-4 years, but Bruce said he'd be back on the inner and Jan said we'd probably be all training to be teachers by them. During the session I wanted to ask for the great memory for details that I seemed to have before, because everything seemed to be explained with a greater clarity than ever before, but I knew there wouldn't be any way that I could report everything, wishing there were some way to tape record everything, but I hoped that once I got the framework down on paper, I could fill it in with thoughts that came to me later. I wanted to ask her about "running engrams" as equivalent to "activating an image," but didn't. Once she looked at me and passed me over for Richard, another time I said "I have two questions" and she answered one and went to Elliott. She said that we shouldn't be so very disappointed when our dynamic is returned to us: after all, we want to be able to return dynamics that WE don't want, so all the others should have that right too. We just shouldn't take it so PERSONALLY. She said that Russell was just GREAT with listening to someone go on and on, while looking into some middle distance while their dynamic just dwindled to nothing. She thought it would be great to have schools in Europe, but since they didn't like us (Americans) there, we'd have to feel that we were somewhat more SPECIAL people before we could venture into Europe (and wouldn't I like THAT!). Asked Dennis at the dinner table how it would be to live in San Diego ("After all, I wouldn't want to live in Ensenada."), and he said I'd probably like it: the weather was nice, I'd like his parents, and maybe HE could move in here---except he'd probably redo the kitchen some. She kept talking of the general "poles" instead of "Magnetic and Dynamic." Bruce said Wyndee was said to have Carol Ann's gestures, and Carol Ann was noted as a "teacher of teachers." I wouldn't mind being taught by her, and DO SINCERELY look forward to meeting her soon again on the inner and outer. (From DIARY 12534, when I decided that I would have AT LEAST a page of additions to type on this topic) New York Center will never be the same, and I agree EVERYONE has felt her enormous power. (Things remembered 11/29): She laughed about how she started DIRECTING Incarnating Ego to do this and that, and later, when she learned of its power, started meekly REQUESTING. Dorothy sat and chatted about how much she enjoyed the ocean, but that Michael and she were not YET married: "It's happened like this a lot of times before, but this is the first time we'd TOLD anyone about it." For the first time we heard about the PLANETARY hierarchy, which Malcolm said he was pleased to hear about because it "brought it up" to the Bailey work. Both Carol Ann and Bruce stressed the MULTIDIMENSIONAL benefits of the evening. Aside from the UNIVERSAL family of light, there are smaller, particular families of light, implied rather than stated. Important: Incarnating Ego has so MUCH respect and love for YOU that it won't consume an image or withdraw your identity from it unless you REQUEST it to do that. We sat in the Red-Gold Power Ray and brought in the Red-Gold sun to 300 feet in center 7 for much of the processing. If the group can remain in Higher Will for 3 DAYS without inverting, it will be earthing the power ray. There is an INFINITE supply of Power Ray energy, expanding spherically from every center to fill the field of the users. Attention units are "pieces" of attention gathered: 51% goes to Incarnating Ego, the controlling interest in the creation, and the rest should be somewhat equally distributed to the body (so you don't bump into things) and the field (so you don't feel closed in). If you need more, request that IE gather more from the field. Many think that being frank is only sharing LOW-frequency information. No one really needs to be told about that, so just burn it up in your OWN fires. (Things remembered 11/30): Look HONESTLY at where you are NOW compared with where you were when you STARTED. YOU are a walking, talking Akashic Record! In more advanced work, you'll EXPERIENCE why we call you a microcosm: you have suns and solar systems and galaxies WITHIN you as the universe does OUTSIDE you. Essentially, ALL structures have a magnetic and a dynamic aspect; USE them.

DIARY 12540
12/2/77

ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #18

Everyone's still stalking about Carol Ann, and Barbara seems VERY spaced out in her questions, and Michael keeps staring moodily but ends by saying that he'd never gotten so much out of all the sharing. Rebekah states that our images of reporting are wrong: there'll ALWAYS be spacing-out, so she doesn't want to hear about it, and though we should report SOME low frequency, what we should concentrate on is the HIGH frequencies. I'm foggy going up to the Eden Consciousness to get the Cosmic Mother Power Ray from Raphael, though I remember with tenacity that he's in the north, but coming down there are bursts of images when we get to the Emotional Plane, and I think of all last week, and even REPORT that I'd been pre-activating ("That's not right," says Rebekah, "you might pre-activate the DAY of the lesson, but not on the day originally scheduled for it," with a bit of asperity) since it was EXACTLY last Wednesday when Dennis came over to do the index, and I even SAID "My parent's a woman, and she's a BITCH." Anyway, I took it as an inversion, not having, AGAIN, the prescience of a Maureen to be IN Cosmic Mother all week prior. Mention I thought Carol Ann said something about the Cosmic Mother hadn't been earthed, and Rebekah evades by saying, in FACT, that some FUNCTION of it hadn't been earthed, but the power ray was. Each grounding in each center seemed to make a great deal of sense, so I hope I can remember it by the time I get to the lesson sheet. She announced the Christmas party for the 18th, Tony's concert on the 11th, and said they've found that the closeness of the party served to keep down activations during their 3-week vacation when the center was closed. Marilyn is again saying that it's exactly what she needs in life, Malcolm has a very detailed report, Dorothy is looking better and better, and Maureen gets her sciatica back and seems in pain. Kathy is almost defiantly abrupt, while Michael says almost nothing at all except about appreciating reports. Elliott comes up with another of his "I never before knew how to ... " and comes to some great facilitation of his enormous powers. I look forward to working with this, since it seems to be one of the LEAST grounded of my repertory.

DIARY 12565
12/9/77

ACTUALISM: FIRST ADVANCED #19

Lots of announcements: Christmas party (and the building, for Kathy, who's even worse than DENNIS in saying "I don't know what to do with this information"), raffle for the Valley Center spa, and "Ressurectione" on Sunday delay the start until 8:35, but then Bruce gets into a spiel about how this being the holiday season when many lighted beings gather on the earth to celebrate the birth of the earther of the Perfection Power Ray and work for "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men" (which balances, since the earth is feminine and receptive of peace, where goodwill is intended to enlighten the dynamic of MEN, actually, as opposed to women), but that since we SHOULD feel loving and charitable, we're sometimes so busy that we DON'T, which brought up lots of conflicts and images during the past week when they "tuned in" to see what's to be done in the lesson today, it would be a good thing to work (very appropriately) on the emotional lifebelt (though Bruce says that, in his observation, hoping not to activate me, they alternate through the power rays, which I check to find they DO) with the Silver Power Ray. My mind wanders furiously in the forming of hierarchy, but I DO feel something of the red fibrosity of the heart, and when we get to the pancreas I have a distinct physical pain in the region of my appendix, and I wonder where THAT fits in, and I keep saying that I'm burning up images of denying and getting to some of the TRUST that I need to earth the energies. Then Barbara questions results, and AGAIN Bruce insists not to look for fireworks but to check the SUBTLETY of the manifestations first, which can then grow, and says to keep ASKING for sensory awareness, since what you ask for will be given to you. THAT feels good for me, and then Maureen questions going dynamic to assimilate and Bruce insists he said that the SUN goes dynamic to help the MAGNETIC self assimilate, so WE should go MAGNETIC to the power ray to assimilate, and I feel a rush of RELIEF for myself, and then Marilyn, sitting next to me, says "Trust," when I'm starting my report, and I say that this has been gratifying for PROPHESYING, since "Trust," Barbara, and Maureen (and the appendix that Bruce later said could be taken in with the digestive system and the large intestine) ALL directed themselves to me, and Bruce had a wry, rueful look on his face when I said "I can almost begin to detect the vague possibility of the start of a beginning of trust working in me" and Kathy was nice to brush down and had a GREAT light report for a change, as JANET seems to be changed, too.

DIARY 12567
12/9/77

BRUCE LIEBER'S KARMA

He's reading even MORE books in the Bailey series, books that extend the ideas in "Links with Space," which talk about rulers of earth that were born on Venus, how earth was almost given up for lost when something very low-frequency happened, how etheric headquarters for some lightwork sect was transported on November 26, 1964 (and I checked to see if it was a good day for me and it WAS: Thanksgiving dinner at John Connolly's with that beautiful group of people) from the middle of the Gobi Desert to Long Island, where the effects over Long Island (and I reminded him that WE live on Long Island, which hadn't occurred to him) and Manhattan are particularly auspicious, which will do a lot to clear up the obstructions and chaos of the current world. I AT FIRST got annoyed with him because I thought he was urging ME to read these books, and I retorted that I found books from TIBET and INDIA to have far more verisimilitude for me than THESE, but he read paragraphs that talk about the earth's hierarchy, the wings of light, the sword of Archangel Michael, the color of Uriel (something was given as blue which obviously wasn't in Actualism, since Bruce said that "certain things were distorted"), and the saying of Raphael. I said this sounded very COMPLICATED as opposed to the SIMPLICITY of "All is illusion, all is one." He asked if I felt Actualism was PRODUCTIVE and going in the right DIRECTION and I had to admit I thought it WAS, but wondered how much of it was "false-front tests and unneeded practice" as mentioned in "Tales of Power," or even "misdirected evil" as he read in "Second Ring of Power," but he said he thought that Actualism was pretty much "paired (?) to the love" which made me feel better, too. Then I calmed down and said that as I got a good feeling on Wednesday after class, excusing myself for "wasting" my week, HE could get a good feeling by knowing that "I'm doing what I'm DOING because I'm SUPPOSED to be doing that," and I could get a good feeling from KNOWING someone who was so much into THAT level of esoteric literature so that he could SUMMARIZE Things for me (didn't INTEND to capitalize the T of things!), which should have me feel happy about the situation (except that I get summaries of TV schedules from Arnie, astrology from Pope, "we could be's" from Dennis, and the stock market from Rolf, which is IN SUM a bit much), and I sort of moved closer to THINKING that, but I said that HE could be interested in the past, whereas I was interested more in the near and far FUTURE: the future evolution of man, the coming possible catastrophes and avatars and reincarnations, but of course THAT didn't need to interest HIM, and he seems to be in a better place with his new job, with Actualism, and with his readings, and I look forward to moving through what HE moved through in order to get to that place.

DIARY 12570
12/11/77

ACTUALISM: SECOND MALE'S SESSION

15 signed up, but Bruce Jaffe said something about Sid's having a makeup lesson, and though we waited until 7:45, he didn't show up. (1) George Pearson sat to the right of Bruce, in the seat he says he's always taken; then the even-more-beautiful (2) Malcolm Groome; then (3) Bob Hoberman, a graying man that Bruce didn't in fact introduce me to; (4) Bruce Lieber; (5) Tom Earl, a slightly cross-eyed fat-thighed pasty-faced fellow I catch looking at me with something like desire any number of times; (6) Abe Weissman, somewhat better in a shirt rather than in a tank top as before, a singer now, it turns out; (14) George, somewhat more attractive than before, if he's the same person; (7) Tony, ever in a suit; (8) Michael Blackburn, more erect than ever; (9) Richard, openly gay before the group, though he keeps talking about women being turned on toward him and he being turned on IN FRIENDSHIP toward them but they always take it the wrong way; (10) Gene, who I think is the wizened fellow who sat next to me on the sofa the first time; (11) myself; (12) Bob Dukes, a rather attractive fellow who was coordinator, said to be Philadelphian, who took as his image his father, who had a very easy time making lots of money; and (13) Neil Sendar, burping louder than ever before. Bruce directed to gather awareness while waiting for Sid, and I noted that most of us remained with our eyes open, but when he didn't show up, he took reports on what's happened to us since the last session, and I couldn't think of a thing to say in the sexual point of view, so we started on "the first workshop." This involved lighting the Golden Dome of the Cosmic Father and bringing it down over the entire field, moving Incarnating Ego (I guess he couldn't use Hierarchy since he said that some people were JUST at the start of first advanced) into Center 3, and then getting any images of MACHO that we could, seeing what it did to our dynamic and magnetic. I could only think of "Waiting for Mr. Goodbar" and thinking how stupid it was to be macho, while others talked about withdrawal symptoms in their left testicles, deadness in certain quadrants of the body, flares of energy, etc. Thank goodness Bruce said it didn't need to be repeated. I said that either I had no problems with the macho quality or I was suppressing something frantically, and he didn't press it. He said that the partial reason for this session was to bring up what's been SUPPressed and REPressed, but it doesn't need to be all EXPressed during the session. Then he told us to go back and now find someone, a male, whose qualities we envied and wanted to know more about. I went through Schwarzenegger's muscles and Warhol's fame, but thought both of those silly, and finally settled on Russell's creativity and manifestation, rather surprised that I didn't find that many male figures that I desired to emulate: hardly any friends, except possibly, as I thought of only later, Dennis's totally accepting friendliness; hardly relatives, though I suppose Henry is a rather successful father and husband to keep the quirky Marion satisfied and the kids very close to him all through, unlike Edward who seems to have lost his kids for a bit, though now that they're in the service they seem to be "back" again. Not my father or grandfather, no teachers to envy; Werner passed vaguely through my mind, but he didn't seem to be the model of self-satisfaction---didn't think of the wit and wisdom and learning of Joseph Campbell until just now. Anyway, I REPORTED on choosing Russell, rather surprised to be the only one who SAID that, though most didn't say at all (soccer player, someone who sang well, someone who was masculine, someone (Malcolm) who moved very well, someone else named (Bruce) that I didn't know), and when I brought his immortal into the appropriate area (into the brain), I got the image of the need for DISCIPLINE and somewhat more ONE-POINTEDNESS in trying to get something manifest in writing or lesson-bringing. That felt good. Then there was a break, and we were encouraged to ask questions since Bruce had said this would be more of a seminar. There were questions, and I asked whether children were appropriate to ask about, and he said at the end they were, saying that I should try merging with the Immortal of someone who WAS good with children, and that children have very STRONG magnetics and dynamics before culture gets to them, and they're usually very honest. He had absolutely so little judgment of my "antipathy" toward children it moved through my head to wonder if he realized that I didn't like them. Then we went in again for the final "workshop" and were told to think of an area of the body that we MOST LIKED, and I wandered round and bypassed the brain as not being part of the body, and chose the phallus (thinking from SOMEWHERE, and even reporting it to the class, that I thought it meant the ERECT penis, but it merely means the penis or a REPRESENTATION of one---so much for my brain), but was reminded of the difficulties I'd get into in est when I did some of the processes by choosing the WORST things, and here I was THEN told (which Bruce didn't seem to realize, thinking I'd PURPOSELY made it hard for myself KNOWING that we'd have to deal with it there and then) to enter that part of the body, and when I "knocked at the door there wasn't anyone home" and had to dump a bit of dirt on my poor limp little cock lying there quite senseless, which I later had a chance to clean up. Then he suggested our LEAST liked part, and I could only think of my flabby stomach, and when I merged with its consciousness, I immediately got a rather indignant "You THINK a lot about me, but you don't DO anything about me," and I figure I was well told-off. Then we compared the feelings of the two, and I noted that they BOTH had to do with sex: phallus with having it, stomach with impressing people into getting it or frightening people away and NOT getting it; and then he said to go INTO the genitals and deal with them, so I had a chance to get rid of the load I'd dumped on them earlier. In all three examples he said to STAND UP in the human, step forward, turn around, and dip the human hands into the portion of the body and unload there, which seemed quite an advanced technique, and quite startling, as I could feel my stomach drawing in as some of the PUTDOWN seemed to comprise some actual bulk down there. When compared with my human body when it was aligned, I had the image of my human's stomach being quite trim and nicely proportioned, so it would be part of ALIGNING PROPERLY to reduce the paunch with exercises, but still I haven't done anything with it TODAY, and I had all sorts of chances. Others didn't report too much, except that Bob Dukes said that he didn't care for his cock. Then we went around the room and reported, the reports seemed great, and then there was the third workshop, in which we put our hands in Transmutational Mergence position and involved the power of the Cosmic Father, then thought of someone "Male or female or other, it doesn't make any difference for the exercise" who would turn us on, who would ACTUALLY, PHYSICALLY, RIGHT-THERE turn us on, and at a point Bruce said "We have to stay here a bit, because I don't see much in the line of excited pelvises: don't be afraid of getting an erection; it's best that way, let yourself get into it. If you get an erection, that's fine; if you DON'T get an erection, that's fine, too, but you won't have so much energy to transmutate." So I thought at first about Malcolm, but that didn't seem to be doing much good, so I thought about Stan or Tommy or Gordon Grant in the films, but I was sitting forward in my shorts, pants jammed up around the crotch, practically impossible to move, though at the END I had to report a sort of "post-orgasmic testicular twinge" that seemed to indicate that LATER processing was satisfactory. He told us to build up as big a charge as possible (when you do it with an erection, it's really great, and you can do it a number of times before you have an orgasm), and WHEN NOT APPROPRIATE TO RELEASE DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES (which I held onto, since Abe said something about Yoga celibacy and I was reminded about retention of semen, but Bruce insisted that this was the way to take the ENERGY from the seed and bathe the body in it---"Even walking down the street, if you're turned on to someone, let it overflow your field and go into the earth's field; that's great, that's what it needs now"---and THEN have the orgasm, which will "look the same, but all that good will have been used for a better purpose, not just wasted in the physical." Then he said to bring the energy up to the heart, the creativity center, the thymus which will help everyone stay young and keep in good will, the brain, and out into the field, even beyond 300 feet if there's enough energy. I felt a good jolt in my heart, and George Pearson made the whole group laugh when he shared that he was rather surprised at what was being done, calling it "the first Actualism circle-jerk," and Bruce QUICKLY interposed "That's an image you'll have to process," and I figured it sure WOULD be something that I'd HAVE to work through, since it was GREAT. George reported feeling that he needed to have more support for his dynamic, saying that he was in many cases afraid that his dynamic was too strong, but then feared the results of it, which wounded like he liked cruising but was afraid of it. Gene laughed when he said he'd chosen a celibate to emulate, but seemed rather more straight this time than gay. Richard blathered on about attracting women but really wanting to attract men, and how the group of Iranian flyers in his squadron freaked out the macho Air Forcers by holding hands and kissing, which led Bruce to say that the US DOES have a "do not touch" policy, but that we should try with enlightened awareness to feel easier about it, and I look forward to hugging Michael and Malcolm whenever I can. Figured to look to my left to grab Gene for my partner for brushdowns, but it seemed that he took Richard, who took a VERY long time with him, starting on the legs with his hands around his WAIST; but looking farther over there, there was Michael, who's been pleased to share about BOTH his sons being in the work now, both able to come to the Christmas party, and he started humming something that he was compelled to tell me was "It's So Nice to Have a Man Around the House," as I brushed him down, and I immediately turned it into his son. He reported problems in supporting his dynamic, too, saying that he'd in fear open his magnetic and get clobbered, but now he was beginning to feel easier about his dynamic and using it. Abe incorporated his model into his vocal cords, of course. Bob Dukes took his hero into his brain. Bob Hoberman was GREAT about saying that the more his magnetic opened the more dynamic he'd HAVE to open, and Bruce enthusiastically agreed. Neil said his best part WAS his stomach, which was interesting, being so LARGE. George Pearson frankly confessed how frightened he was about expressing ANY kind of sexuality, and I'm grateful to Bruce Lieber for letting me in on the fact that he's gay: he's easier to understand that way. Bruce counted LOTS of women in fourth advanced: Crystal/Carol Ann/Lois/X/Y/Z/A/B, but not so many men: Ralph, Winston, and about three others, but says that though Actualism STARTED very female-oriented when it was "effeminate" to be into inner work, the current time is permitting things to be evened out. Good session, and LONG, too.

DIARY 12577
12/13/77

ACTUALISM POWER AT LAST?

Start pouring the Silver Power Ray energy into the heart, and get a feeling of REALLY BEING FILLED WITH SOMETHING OF POWER, and begin to get a light-headed (HA, that's a joke there) feeling of SOMETHING HAPPENING with Actualism. My mind wanders off on all SORTS of things, and I request Incarnating Ego to get rid of all the images and to my surprise it SEEMS TO DO SO, and I begin to realize that I actually MIGHT have a helpful system on my side, just BEGINNING to reveal its power (or I'm just beginning to allow myself to reveal MY power, while letting myself have something "rational" (HA, again!) to "excuse" it on---though it makes sense: if I could do it ALL BY MYSELF, I should have done it before, but if I "couldn't" do it until Actualism gave me the tools to do it, I don't have to be blamed for not having done it earlier!), and I sit with great PLEASURE feeling the senses overflow with some feeling that could be interpreted as awareness. Get the idea of having two Multinational Monopoly Tournaments on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, and I start going over the guest list for the evenings, while at the SAME time realizing that Incarnating Ego has presumably been led by my thought to continue with the actions in my Spleen and Splenic Plexus, and get an image of the ideas actually BEING washed away, and with the combination of good feeling and accomplishment, think that Actualism MIGHT be a good improvement over Dianetics in that Dianetics required an auditor and a DETAILED recounting of the incident to be released from engrams, and maybe Russell HAD found that it was only necessary to RECALL an incident, and to use the more powerful tool of light-fire to BURN UP the debris from the image, at the same time releasing "essence," the memory of the engram which goes into the memory banks, for the Being to still be able to use. Feel great about the realization of progress, and don't even get clobbered with the ideas: but remember, I want to send out box ads, finish "Whaddya Know?", do indexes, and mail out Christmas cards, not to mention lots of social activities before getting back to "Throwback" and I feel so good I get to an hour's time without getting even HALF through the lifebelt, so I quickly rush through the rest of it so as not to overdose on Actualism today.

 

                              Return to Spiritual MenuContinue Actualism Lessions NOTES