Actualism notes
DIARY 13420
9/24/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON BOB DUKES AT HIS NEW PLACE
Just totally enamored of his smooth, lightly-haired-around nipples, not VERY well defined but still muscles and curves are all in the right place, body, over the featureless fall of his harem pants around his narrow hips, and his apartment is quite drab except for the fabulous rug from Macy's and the grand window in the no-room-for-sitting kitchen. I try some Gatorade and it seems just plain tasteless, so I have some water, and he won't tell me how much his apartment is though I start at $300, find it's over $350, he smiles when I say $380, and he keeps smiling when I think it must be over $400, and he says that now he really has to hustle for money, but his van is parked in a garage JUST off the Queens Midtown Tunnel, and he gets a special rate because he takes it out before 8 am and returns it after 6 pm every day, and it's right across town to the other tunnel, and since he works out there, it IS convenient for him for that, but ONE ROOM for over $400 is really pretty bad, though everything's new---yet they haven't painted the halls yet and the elevator's still padded. Sit in the kitchen in CM while he strips to his lemon shorts, then work over his body, which he says I can go harder on, and I'm aware of the smell of my morning-showered underarms, and he's so SPANKING clean that I feel filthy next to him. Again, his clean clear body is textbook perfect to work on, yet I feel reluctant to really LAY into him, and talk later about the loving qualities I associate with Cosmic Mother, and he says he can feel the love and care in my fingers, and he refuses to hug as we leave as he walks me to the corner and we shake hands in a very business-like manner as I get down to Grand Central for the subway, acutely aware of my sexual attraction to him, but he said images of his FATHER came up, and when I said I was at Columbia in 1957 he observes "I was 3 then," so he was born in 1954, which makes him 24 providing he's had his birthday already, and no WONDER everything's so simple and clean and nicely formed about him, though Actualism seems to have given him a MATURITY far beyond his years, and I hope Dennis's move makes HIM hustle for more money, too. Still looking forward to doing more work with him, and I said that HIS mentioning that this was his apartment's first body session made me feel good to be part of it, and I wouldn't mind indoctrinating him into some OTHER new practices, too!
DIARY 13422
9/24/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON AMY AFTER CALIFORNIA
Her "Cleopatra" hair keeps getting in her face, and she's very grateful when I sweep it out of the way, and surprises both of us by saying that I can go harder and harder, and we both laugh remembering how at the first she didn't want to be hardly touched at ALL. Her body seems easier of access, but I'm sorry to see unsightly peeling and discolored marks on her legs, which are more tanned than her upper body. It's chilly and I keep her covered up even on a bias when I'm doing the middle of her body, and she says that THAT'S sweet, too, so it's a very positive session. She talked about how great it was to live, if only for two days, in the same house that Bruce lived in when he was there, and things were just so much EASIER when everyone was enlightened that she had to deal with. She drove down for a couple of days with an old college friend from San Francisco to Los Angeles, and they both had progressed to the point where they could have real ARGUMENTS without it affecting their relationship. She said that Adam was mentioning that I had called, she was pleased that I was going to her place for a reading on Friday, and when we talked about her doing me as a review of the pattern for her, she seemed delighted, as I walked down to the mailbox with her, that I could make it tomorrow. She kissed me for about the 4th time on the lips as we opened the door to usher her out, and I could see a couple sexy guys across the street looking over: if they were straight I hope they envied me and if they were gay I hope they envied her and didn't get the wrong idea about me. She was delighted to be back in the high-energy, even though it was low frequency and frequently dirty and noisy, environment of New York, but said that she thought she might be moving to the West Coast (though she didn't know how Adam would take it) in 3-4 years, but she wasn't giving herself any kind of deadline. She loved working with the Ruby Red power ray that she'd just gotten, said that my apartment just looked and felt even better than it had before, which implied that I looked and felt better than I had before, and bubbled and talked and said my D-cell water was turning (which it was, I had to wash it the following day) and ate all the fruit herself, so she was pleased to be here and pleasing to me, too.
DIARY 13424
9/25/78
PROJECT EARTH POINT
Just as I put down the brochure from Dallas (which Bob Dukes says is now tentatively being considered for Utah, though someone says the MORMONS would never accept anyone else but THEM there), I catch sight of a smaller leaflet from Escondido where they're thinking of buying a "farm" in THAT area, mainly for family living with on-land educational services, surely for the married-couple-with-children Actualists who want to stress their eliteness in THAT way. The brochure from Dallas is so eagerly amateurish I feel that they won't be able to do anything without courting disaster: they talk glibly about: cattle, swine, chickens, horses, without thinking how difficult these "natural" creatures might be to manage; solar heating and cooling even though they admit they don't know anything about it, and every classification of power supply has an "other" so that they can't be accused of not being imaginative enough. They need something like $3 million for their full ideas, but say that's only $3,000 from each of 1,000 Actualists, and they agree that they need only start with 100 (feeling, I guess that they have the 10 which can easily generate interest in 100) and provide room for 1000 "in the not-wished-for event that there's a national catastrophe and we need a place to get away to," but then quickly saying that it can also provide a training ground for the hundreds of teachers that such a growing activity as Actualism will obviously need. They seem young and unknowing and enthusiastic and involved in working with their hands and learning lots for themselves, yet keeping themselves away from their "unlighted" neighbors except in the event of a real catastrophe when everyone would have to be helping everyone else. Even the reports are spoken of in terms of a school assignments: tell us what area you're interested in, we'll send you the names of people in other centers who are working on this, and then from your meeting you'll have one month during which to present your written report, and then we'll collate everything and PRESTO it will all be done. Then their list of "useful occupations" doesn't include ANY of my areas of knowledge, and their emphasis on "agribusiness" doesn't sound like fun, so I decide to sit this one out until something more like ME comes up.
DIARY 13425
9/25/78
ACTUALISM 1AD #47
Winston jokes about the fact that it's the last class, that we've managed all of us to make it to second (though Richard hasn't been here for the past 3 times), and Barbara says that her CAREER has really gotten a boost. Winston asks for sharing, but not many say much, except Maureen and I laugh about how much we ate trash foods today. Then we're into the last of the three magnetic-dynamic sessions, and I don't hear LOTS of it, getting into grand feelings of hopelessness (which he later addresses: "You think that now you're supposed to be so advanced you HAVE no activation---be aware that the farther you go the more subtle and more DIFFICULT TO RESIST the activations are," and I strongly recalled my thoughts about "the greater the good the greater the evil" at the movies this afternoon (see DIARY 13423)), and yet getting the idea that I LIKE wallowing in self-recrimination, it DOES feel good to an extent to squirm, moan, writhe in agony, almost like the pressured tantrums on the cock before an explosive orgasm is enriched by the delays, teases, drawings-out, and tortures of an often-denied release. Then, "after you said it either the 88th or 89th time" as I said in my report, I heard "withdraw your identity and consign it to the fires," and I DID withdraw identity rather than wallowing in it, and things DID get easier to handle, I could begin to hear what he was saying and follow it without feeling that I had to open my eyes to see where we were, and the intense heat that I felt at the start seemed to alleviate until my wrists dried and my jeans didn't feel like they weighed a ton on my legs, and I could think that there was an end to the squirming and agonizing. Didn't remember much of the processing, but knew that we'd done it twice before and I could get refreshment from that, and knew that we had two weeks to work on it before the next session. Faye said maybe I should call Paul to check on the index, Susan and Dorothy and Amy poked at me as they left their class, and I looked for a slot for a surgery with Alice but couldn't find any, so I figured it'd be best until I got into Second to schedule it, and later signed up for teaching Joan Ann's class, so I'll be going a lot ANYWAY.
DIARY 13427
9/25/78
ACTUALISM NSH BY SUSAN HERE
Her ELBOW seemed so OBTUSE that when she laid into my back I could feel my muscles tensing up and throwing her out, which is ironic since she started the session by saying how remarkable it was that my body was always so LIGHT and seemed to have nothing going on with it in the line of obstructions. I lay there and listened to the phone ringing on the machine, hoping it was Amy who got my message, and then sinking as I hear her disappointment as she comes in and Susan's still working, because she started late after TALKING to me about her problems at work. They'd crystallized during her Actualizations weekend when the entire group pointed out that she was fingering the microphone phallically, and she had to admit she had a "case" on Kevin, who'd started working WITH her and has since been taken in as partner to Ted (or someone), both of whom take turns hollering at her for her ineptness, though she's the most senior salesperson there, has the highest sales volume, and things are bad at this time: a house will go in one day since there's such a demand for them. But now that they HAVE been hollering at her, her volume's gone up even MORE, so maybe they'll see that she LIKES this. They even degrade her when Bruce is visiting, and one day she just had to leave to get away from them, and they hollered at her even more, becoming just GRATING even while she was talking to a customer ("Out to lunch, Susan?"), and laughing when she forgot where a house was. She talked of Claudette, the wife, as being unhappy and vapid, but she didn't WANT to know what she wanted, since she feared that her power would GET her Kevin, and Bill Salomon wouldn't like that at all, and she seemed to be trying to talk herself into LIKING this guy who got uptight about her male bodyworker friends, and she said SHE didn't know what she wanted, which I said amazed me, since I always knew TOO WELL what I wanted, so that I had to set up PRIORITIES to see whether I'd read, write, travel, work on indexes or something else, or absorb entertainment. So I had a hard time talking with people who hadn't yet decided whether they wanted to do something or not, and it sounded to ME like she was masochistic just STAYING there, even though she WAS learning lessons, but then Amy said that I moved through things much faster than others and would have to learn to be more patient with people who had to stick with something longer.
DIARY 13428
9/25/78
ACTUALISM NSH BY AMY HERE
Though I lied to Amy and said that I'd had two NSH sessions in one day before, my reaction to this was so activating that I obviously WOULDN'T want to handle something like this twice in one day again: I may be better in GIVING two in one day, but I can't TAKE two in one day. I apologize to her, saying it was as much my fault as it was Susan's (she says Susan's making a pain of herself in class, too, activating Amy), and Amy insists that she's not BLAMING, but had hyped herself into giving the session and wanted to GIVE it, so was resentful when it looked like she wouldn't be giving it, but felt better now that she was. I started farting, remarked about it, and she laughed and said she was used to it because Adam generated a lot of gas during the session, and I was grateful to him for that. I was still resisting in my spine, as I had for Susan (see DIARY 13427), and HER elbow felt particularly importunate (though it felt fairly good to be using Higher Will for both of them, though HW definitely seemed to tell me that this wasn't the way to do it), but she said that she would keep at it: "No muscle's going to tell ME to get out, I just keep bearing down until it lets me in." And she kept doing that, until I debated telling her that she was going too heavily, but then maybe I was into a bit of self-torture then, for allowing myself to get into such a conflicting position, and let her take it out on me, hoping it would make her "feel better" to "get into" me. She said she liked it a lot after she was finished, and looked forward to our session tomorrow, and all seemed to be forgiven as she left. I felt pains in my lower back at some scant times during the next four days, another message to avoid this again. But she hugged and kissed nicely, seemed to know the pattern even though she ostensibly was "checking it" on me (though she missed one pass of a trapezius and said she didn't know the hip pattern at all), and her motions seemed much more precise than when she did them the first time on me, but she has a way to go in POLISHING her technique, though their giving me so much agony made ME give sessions differently, wondering if MY elbow was as blunt, or my technique as overbearing, though people kept saying not.
DIARY 13433
9/25/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON ARTHUR ELLENBOGEN
Again, his body session was the least of the data: he was overweight, had a bullish neck that felt tensed to the right of D-1, which he agreed on, stuck in the lower right spine, where he said he was thinking of things, but he had rather decent legs under his black-trimmed-with-red shorts, but his fuzzy head and neck and beard made him unpleasantly hard to work with, and he kept snoring, though he said he was there throughout, and said NOTHING about pressures, though at the end he said he could FEEL the green of the creative from my hands, so though I didn't get the sensual feeling of it, HE did, so it was there, and I'm glad he didn't recommend one of his flower formulas for earthing me. He came in full of news about establishing an incorporated school for Joan Ann's class, tarot, astrology ("Though I don't know much about that yet") and seemed more interested in my knowing that the New York State Income Tax form costs $120 to register, even though his company's incorporated in Delaware, and that if it earns less than $25,000, he'll take it as PERSONAL for tax benefits, though he's only a proofreader and MIGHT have a tiny apartment, since he doesn't seem too eager to show it to me, coming HERE on Saturday, which is fine with me, after a trip to Brooklyn Botanic Garden. He says he met Dennis (sexually, too, though Dennis said he didn't remember and he doesn't turn him on, but he may not have had a beard then) in 1972 in the New School (john, I guess, since Arthur wasn't taking classes), so that's why there was the smiling rapport. He sold too hard: his Indian trip to Agra as a healer paid for by a businessman, his spotting angels in corners of places with Bruce and Dorothy, especially at HIS apartment after two intros (they introduced a total of 3 in London, where someone will be starting a center, he insists), and how much money he's going to make, how good he is at healing, how "everyone loves me," in his intros, and his snake eyes could remind me of Richard Chamberlain's in their size and far-apartness, but they have a reptilian calculatedness that sort of puts me off. I just sit and listen as he talks about how highly adept he is, waiting to be shown, yet he says that my body session seemed perfectly attuned to what he wanted, anyway.
DIARY 13441
9/26/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON BRUCE LIEBER QUICKLY
He SAYS he said he'd be here "by 6:45 or sooner," but I wouldn't have thought he meant 5:45 even if I'd HEARD him say it, so I tell him about the comedy of errors in which Dennis takes almost 2 hours to go shopping (see DIARY 13440), he talks about how he and others in his class are feeling "timeless": "I went someplace I'd gone two months ago, and it seemed to be the same time, and it doesn't make any difference to consider whether THIS time seemed as far away as LAST time or whether LAST time seemed as close as THIS time, it didn't make any difference." I established that it had something to do with the feeling of living in the moment. Dinner was a farcical mess as we became desperately interested in punning and quipping to keep the conversation going, but we managed to decimate the chicken that I thought Dennis had brought too much of---and I didn't pay him or thank him well enough for it yet! Anyway, Bruce got on the table and started breathing so stentoriously that I thought he was snoring, but he came up for air a couple of times, once to remark "Get the number of that truck" when he got particularly violent during a hip-hinge pivot and I just went along with his ride, and I remarked, "It's HW---something," since he wanted to work in Higher Will. At times he petulantly moved his arm as if he didn't want me to touch him, at others he allowed himself to be moved. At times it seemed that he paused in his breathing when I got into his spine, and at other times I felt terribly self-conscious about what I was doing, wondering if I was traumatizing him as much as some of the women traumatized me. Or is this WHOLE thing symbolic? How WOULD one feel to do the bodywork on oneself? He barely reported on his left side, turned his head to the side, and seemed to criticize (from inside me) my working on his neck. I kept going to get him finished by 7:50 so that he could dress before I turned on TV for "Othello," and was pleased when I finished at 7:45, going expediently but not quickly. But I don't think I'd want to make it quicker than that. He was VERY stoned during the aftermath, burbling about how spaced-out he was, and I said I hadn't felt much of anything, but I felt the 10-minute rest after the session ended.
DIARY 13447
9/26/78
ACTUALISM REPORT BEFORE SECOND ADVANCED
September 26, 1978
TO: The Actualism Staff
FROM: Bob Zolnerzak
RE: Report prior to entering Second Advanced
The report prior to entering First Advanced was easier. Actualism was still sort of a "game" then---something in the "Consciousness-Expansion Business" that could be started or stopped, taken or left, or treated more lightly than it may have deserved or desired. That isn't true for me now.
Previously, the idea of "the group" hadn't been formed; the thought of moving from one group to another seemed to make no difference. Now, the group is "something special," and I find myself pleased at this point that I'm not faced with the choice between a lengthy vacation and staying with "my" group. In fact, IF the choice arose, I feel that my decision would be based on an agreement that I could enter a group "on a faster track" on the West Coast until I caught up with my group in New York.
My first day in est caused me to think "I'd like to be a trainer." My first months in Actualism brought the thought "I could never be a teacher." Yet when the gradual decline in New York leads me to think of an alternate place to live, I find myself thinking, "San Diego isn't so bad, and it would be within driving distance of Escondido." I guess this is another way of saying "Actualism is important to me."
First I thought "These people are strange (both teachers and students), but they seem to know what they're doing." Then I thought "They have really come up with an elaborate system of imaginary constructions." Now I feel that there are two alternatives---and it doesn't make ANY difference to me which is correct: EITHER these energies are Actual, and I have not as yet had an experiential sense of them as being Actual beyond my suspicion that it may only be in my own imagination, OR these energies are brought into manifestation solely by MEANS of the imagination, and I have not as yet exercised my imagination strongly enough to experience them as strongly as I might desire. To repeat: it doesn't make any difference to me which is correct. Either way, I'm all right exactly where I am, doing reasonably well what I would have to do to get the experience regardless of the alternative.
If you agree with me, all's well.
I can see some of the barriers I've constructed for myself. I used to hold my breath as a kid. The longer I held my breath, the better it felt when I gulped down a fresh lungful of air. Maybe I'm just holding my breath in Actualism, kidding myself that the longer it takes me to "see" what there is to see, the better what I DO see will be. But I don't feel like I'm holding my breath.
Maybe you do.
But I cannot deny that there's been a lot of progress. At first there were few distinguishing characteristics among the energies, now I can sense a definite appropriateness of one energy or another to handle a specific situation. Others report that they can sense energies in other ways; I cannot, but it would be better if I could.
Bodywork seems to have produced a fineness of tuning in my physical body. I might not like some of the aches, jitters, nervousness, blankness that I feel, but it does seem a decided step away from feeling nothing at all. The interpersonal contact afforded in bodywork seems beneficial, too. Some of my reactions are not mine alone; some of my extremes are taken to farther extremes and I feel better to find that I'm not "the worst." There is also no doubt but that the personal lives of people in Actualism have changed.
My life has changed in that I can more quickly pull myself out of the stare-at-the-stack-of-work-to-be-done syndrome. I used to wallow in that for two or three days at a time maybe as much as once a month. Now I only permit myself to wallow for ten or fifteen minutes before I either decide to enjoy wallowing, thereby wallowing somewhat more constructively by enjoying whatever I'm doing that I consider wasting time, or stop it and get on with whatever I want to do. I have to admit it happens more often than once a month, now, but I'm sure the total time is lessened and the total effect is positive.
Some of the statements here might be considered judgmental. I'm not surprised. It's very hard for me to see people I love doing self-destructive or self-negating acts. Since I'm the person I love most, I'm most judgmental for myself. Close friends get hit pretty hard sometimes, too. EVER so slightly (by judging very hard!) I can see that I'm changing in this. So what if I waste a day doing something I enjoy that I "shouldn't" be doing? So what if a friend spends $50 more for something that could have been bought cheaper by just asking me where to buy? So what if someone does something that I wouldn't do? Or even wants me to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily consider doing? So I let it be, with less and less self-hassle---but I know there's still a couple thousands of miles to go along that particular road.
Impatience with Actualism has almost vanished. If it goes faster, if it goes slower---the remarkable thing is that it MOVES, and it HAS moved me, and it WILL move me. That's nice.
Taking the course to teach courses seems beneficial. I'll probably come up against things pretty fast there; if it can move me as fast as bodywork has already moved me, it'll probably be well worth my brain's agitation at the thought of TEACHING something that I haven't gotten around to BELIEVING in yet. But it obviously works, so who am I to bang my brain against it?
Nobody special.
Yet at the same time, somebody VERY special.
I'm not special in the sense that I'll never learn and be the worst, or will learn fastest and be the best, or even be different in any SPECIAL way. But I'm special in that the COMBINATION of drives and energies and blocks and agitation that I bring to the work IS special. The fact that Actualism can handle it shows how special it is as a system of teaching.
And how special the teachers are is shown by the fact that they can teach and explain and answer and praise without really appearing to BE very special, which means that sometimes (often, with somewhat niggardly people like me) they don't get the thanks and praise due them in return, and even then don't make a big deal out of it. So thank you for being teachers.
Teachers also give good examples of how not to get drawn into the elitism trap. I have to laugh whenever I think of the old wished-for reaction, "Say, who was that masked Lightworker who just left?" However, I think the laugh is still a nervous one that hides a "Yes, I would like that" beneath it. Maybe, now that I'm so good in everything else, that's what I can work on in Second Advanced.
Every few months I reread Principles of Actualism. Basic Principles of Actualism---maybe I should reread the cover, too. It's different every time. In fact, the last time I read it, I thought "Oh, THAT'S what happens in Second Advanced." That's quite a blow to the old brain, which used to think that it got whatever there was to get the first time around. On balance, however, the brain seems to be getting as much as it's giving up: giving up control, worry, knee-jerk reactions, constant judgments; getting flexibility, ease, surprises, work in new areas.
I can't think of anything else to say. Have to buy groceries before taking a shower before getting a body session before going to the men's pelvic unloading tonight. Finished this. There's time for everything. That's nice. TIME was a big thing for me. It still is, but it's lessening. Actualism helped. Thanks again.
Love and Light.
DIARY 13450
9/29/78
ACTUALISM NSH BY PAT MANDINO ON ME
She giggles a lot, though she says she's been through a bad time: her father died not too long ago and her mother got very sick but then recovered, and she's gone down to working only one night a week, but she keeps laughing and insisting "You're so FUNNY when you're activated," and later at Susan's brunch she puts it in even better terms: "I never saw someone so RADIANT when he's activated." I'm not exactly sure I know what she means, but I like the way she laughs a lot and seems to work through things when she's here. I get onto the table and she gets into my body with not quite the bluntness of Amy and Susan, but I still feel that I want to know what the bodywork should feel like, since it's been so long since I've felt it from Joan Ann. She's wearing the green blouse that was so appropriate when she was working in Regenerative, but she didn't have anything scarlet for the Generative, but she said that she worked through lots of things with me. She seemed particularly out of whack on the gluteus, saying that men were very different from women, but I figured I knew so little about what it should feel like that I didn't have much to say, glad that I didn't have two sessions scheduled on my body as I had before. She laughed particularly when I said I wasn't experiencing too many activations for the men's pelvic session tonight, and felt that she'd loosened up a lot for the session, and the success of the session seems to have depended on this body session (see DIARY 13451). We look at the calendars to schedule her next time here, and decide on next Tuesday, and even though her name is up on the board, she seems pleased about coming here, and I'm not about to change that unless I have to. She says she's looking forward to getting back into the weekly exchange of sessions, and she's one of the better women and advanced enough so that I'd want to keep her around as long as I could. That's probably a selfish way of looking at it, but like Elaine Hyams I don't want to subject myself to anything more than I have to, and the more enlightened I can keep the people who work with me, the better for both of us.
DIARY 13451
10/1/78
ACTUALISM MEN'S SESSION
13 of us gather in a semicircle around Winston, starting with me at his right, it continues around through Ezio (rather brusque when talking about anything, if I used Actualism parlance I'd say that he was quite activated about the entire evening, considering himself somewhat above the proceedings, giving a perfunctory brushdown as if it pained him to have to do it at all), Jim (looking more mature, though he still doesn't need to shave), Michael Molthen (who looks cuter than ever, with a terribly clear-cut profile marred by a few days' growth of beard and perfectly shapeless clothes at all times), Neil (who doesn't seem as aggressively unpleasant as before), George Pierson (who faltered me by saying that he was now working at NBC on a freelance job, but that when it cleared away he'd be wanting to call me about a body session, which would be GREAT!), Bob Dukes (looking like the king of the sofa and thereby the gathering, with his arms stretched out over the gathering via the sofa back, even though Michael Molthen is his peer as is George Pierson), Michael (someone new, but he seemed heavy (both in frequency and body weight) and not terribly agreeable), Bob Hoberman (looking considerably younger and lighter, almost attractive, and certainly more open in speech and experiencing, sensing that he was working on the human), Bruce (who blushed when Winston assumed he'd done a pelvic session and he had to confess he hadn't), Michael Blackburn (who again kept saying that he'd have to get in touch for a body session), a CUTE guy in jeans who turns out to be Ken Miller (and I thought that may have been the name I gave Ken Costrin in "Acid House," and then wondered about Art OSTRIN versus Ken COSTRIN), living on Remsen Street and eager to get together, and finally Arthur Ellenbogen, who seemed much more quiet than usual, as if he were activated, though he exchanged a long loving glance with me in the hallway and looked actually as if he wanted to put his arms around me, and he said I looked good. I FELT that I looked pretty good, peeling down to my blue T-shirt under my checked shirt when the going got hot, even though the window was opened behind me, and think again that I shouldn't really wear jeans since they obstruct the pelvic area, but the urge to cruise is quite irresistible, but where's the effeminate Gene, the dour Whoever, Ken's older brother, and the cutie in Susan's class who I find out is Stephen, the son of Atarah, neither of whose last name I know. Bruce gets (hm, WINSTON gets) going in Ruby Red, announcing with a sneer that "this should be easy" and I sit quite centered, opening my eyes more to prove that I'm having NO trouble than as a sign of trouble, and feel my ureter bulge with sludge, like a colon in peristalsis, when the beam moves down my left ureter, and I can feel my bladder when we're working there, and it's all very clear and VERY conscious, and when we get to the left side I can feel a DECIDED twinge in my right testicle when we're working there, and when he mentions the prostate, my prostate starts twitching as it does after a particularly felt orgasm, like someone pinching my urethra from the bulb on the inside, and then it starts to alternate left and right, finally tweaking on the left side only, which I report on since it's a novel sensation as far as I can remember having noticed it. The session doesn't seem endless, as it has in the past, nor is it overwhelmingly hot after the first fifteen minutes or so, and I can even observe with smiles the manifestations of macho-ness in the belching: Jim will burp away, then Michael Molthen will come up with an eruption, and Neil will put them all to shame with a rumble that shakes the room, to which Winston will respond with one of such depth and modulation of sound to put them all in the shade, at which point a relative silence comes over the room. Amazing! I feel a few bubbles of gas (from the water I drank, I won't add), and Bruce tries to hold up his side of the room by giving some strangled sounds that shows he had no air to leave off and he might be pushing bile. I fart a few times, hoping that Ezio won't get even more uptight, and at the end marvel at the physical sensations, EVEN THOUGH I'm finally working on the physical while the others are getting feedback from the human or even from the field, which I'll have to catch up with them in, and even Winston seemed pleased with my report, and he hopes to have another in 6 weeks, and at THIS point I'm all FOR them!
DIARY 13460
10/1/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON SUSAN LIEBER/WORK PROBLEMS
She was TOLD she couldn't go to the closing today, then they said she HAD to go to protect her $200 commission, and so she had to go, not knowing what to do, finding it was all stupidity, and she couldn't get to me earlier because she couldn't even CALL. Told me endless tales of being screamed at, but she DID say that she didn't need it anymore, and would probably give in her resignation, which won't be so easy, since she's said she'd been ready to leave so many times already. I squirm through much of it: men setting the women against each other until they got drunk one evening on wine at a building's opening that one of the women had sold and SHE wasn't invited and came clean with each other thanks to Bill Salomon's intervention, and then she talked about the Madison and 87th building she found for Actualism, called to find the best they could offer were 4 semi-professional apartments on different floors, talked about her therapist's office in Brooklyn (no, her company's lawyer's office, where he broke through a wall to join two), other buildings she'd looked at, and seemed to light on 2 Fifth Avenue as a good place, going through reasons why they'd be wise to go coop, how much money they'd need to start (about $20,000), how much they're willing to pay in monthly rent ($2000-$4000, which seems VERY high), and how everyone seems to be looking for them, so it's VERY powerful. Joke again about the Ansonia and other old buildings along there, and then she's onto the table when I have to finish the evening. She says I'm just unutterably perfect, and I protest that if she makes me any more self-conscious I won't be, and I keep hitting her at the right places with the right pressures, and she might come on the table someday. I keep going, joking with her, trying to make it lighter, and she keeps making it significant and cosmic, and I say that I'm pleased and flabbergasted at what she calls my "natural knowing" of the body, saying how pleased I was with Arthur's comments about me, and she even says she can see me doing bodywork in the center all day. which I have to say I can't agree with, but I'm pleased that she thinks so, So much of the oily suaveness of Michael Blackburn creeps in that I HAVE to get more strict with her, and she DOESN'T seem to dim much when I ask if Dennis can come on Sunday, which she's activated about because she can't remember HOW MANY she invited and has no idea how many will show up.
DIARY 13466
10/3/78
ACTUALISM O-V ON ME BY ARTHUR
He gives me a flower remedy for my neck, getting it from an eyedropper from a bottle in a fancy box marked Rx, patting it onto my neck with many affectionate advances, and Robbie came up with them first, Joan Ann wanted them to help people in her class process, earthe, and assimilate, and Arthur "fine-tuned" six of them, saying there were 38 or 39 for the 38-39 subtle causes of all diseases. He talked of the Pope's dying, saying that there are only TWO popes left, according to an old prediction, at which time the church will have internal strife about how it's come AWAY from Christ and how it should RETURN to Christ, and there will BE no more popes, and I predicted that what would happen would be a NON-Italian pope, which the Italians would take to mean no pope for THEM, even though the prediction was by a non-Italian, too. He talked again of going to India and London to give intros, saying that I might be traveling when I take Joan Ann's course to give intros all over the world, too, and we talked of travel for awhile when I said I so regretted not being able to do MORE, and he said that was just something that I should process. He forgot the diagram for the work on the FRONT of the body, saying that it WASN'T done on women, and it wasn't more than general magnetic elimination from the men, so he "tuned in" and got that he could do it, even though he tended to alternate where the pattern went straight across the stomach. He added things to the gathering like "opening each cell," and gave a closing that seemed much more elaborate, but his work on me seemed pretty good, insisting on taking his shirt off since I was cold and wanted to have the heater on, but he didn't take the opportunity to make a pass, though he DOES like to hug in a rather explicit way. He said HE felt he processed a lot by working on me, and he wanted to do it some more, saying that he was eager to get more people for his upcoming T&R. He seemed rather less rough than the others, and quite a bit less precise on fingers and toes, leaving his pine oil here so that he wouldn't have to carry it around with him when he came back again, and was pleased that I'd be doing him within 48 hours on Monday, seeming to want to kiss on the way out, but that wasn't my idea of fun with his beard.
DIARY 13471
10/3/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON AMY
She says she HATES all the Liebers: they're all the same: awful blabbers and over-dramatizers that she doesn't want to have anything to do with, so she can't slip back one group to Mrs. Lieber's group to avoid Susan, and she thought Bruce was in my group. She doesn't care for Winston and his "jock-strap talk" as she put it, says he hollers at the group for too much socializing after class, dissipating the energies, and she says she's ALWAYS asked by "the clique" and she says "We shouldn't talk after class," and Susan will respond by saying "Let's talk about that after class over coffee." She hates Dorothy for being so full of understanding yet being the LAST in the class to earthe her powers in becoming more attractive, still being held in her "ugly duckling" image. Steven is pretty good, but he's so young, and Robbie is very scattered---and the class is big "at least 10" and she feels caught in their low frequency. I ask if she could serve them by sharing her higher frequencies, and she said she never thought about that. I suggested going to California to speed up, and she said that was appealing, as was the idea of talking about travel with me. Her main problem was judgmentalism: they weren't as good in her class as she was, so she could hold herself apart from them and not concern herself with them since she was above them. She mentioned her mother a couple of times and her father only once, at which point I may have leaned forward since Dorothy said that something had come up for her with her father and it was very big, so she was handling it. I worked hard on her body, laughing about "Which of you two is on the table" to contrast her liking for pressure now compared with her "hands off" (as she was with her family: her mother talking about some boy "masturbating" when he was only playing with his TOES!, and she can't put up with the idea of masturbating, and I wondered if that was HER way of bringing up what she should have "read" about me and Dennis if she's such a "powerful reader." (Now that I think of it, why can't she read what's going to happen to her CLASS!) She said the class has been held back, her sister's group is getting Alice as a teacher and going very fast, and she's disgusted, but knows she has to work through it. She said the body session was great, she felt more at ease, and she set up a thing for next Monday to do me, hugged, and we left feeling good.
DIARY 13472
10/3/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON ARTHUR
He says he was getting nose symptoms and sneezing at about 6 pm yesterday with BRUCE in a body session and thought I might be having trouble with SUSAN'S cats about that time! He says he often harmonizes with someone he'll be working with. Hope he liked the jerk-off last night and this morning! He kisses and hugs closer than ever, says he's so delighted to see me, and at the end, when I say that Dennis and I may be going on a fall foliage tour either October 8 or 22, he asks if he can come along too, saying it looks good. He gets into the things of smells, saying that low-frequency has a particular stench, like burning rubber, and that it's not ALL BO, but part of it is the smell of processing. I remark about the infinite resources of activations we have, and he says we get NEW ones every day, too, so that one body session isn't anything like another. He says he felt he processed the images about his father that had him consuming, rather than magnetic, last time, and he DID feel looser in the middle of the back, but the right of his neck sill almost demanded lots of energy, and I laid into it and he seemed to like it. Read the gathering and he insisted on sitting up (showing off his body? Showing off his pot!) to let go gas, saying he belched when he came in and belched when I finished the gathering. He almost slept through the whole thing, but seemed very aware, moving his legs around as I did some things on his hips, and wanting to be covered at the end. My hands were so chilly I warmed them in the heater before starting on him. He wanted to do me Sunday if we DIDN'T go on the tour, or else next Friday to HIS place. He mentioned a couple other mind-blowing things about his healings and powers, and I just nodded and hoped that I didn't appear too activated about his "too-muchness." He just wanted to hug forever at the end, while going out the door. He said he enjoyed activating Bruce with his tales of outrageous sex, saying that Bruce was SUCH a dramatizer, but he didn't bother to say WHICH sex he outraged Bruce with. I said fewer things while doing these people, LETTING my knowing come through, and all of them worked in Ruby Red, which was easy for me to keep in, and he said he thought the teachers were trying to tell us to ALWAYS use that, since THEY always used it, but I thought there might be correspondences in other energies that it might be good to work in SOMETIME!
DIARY 13478
10/5/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON ME BY LINDA
She's very business-like about ushering me into the room and saying to be on the table, and comes in to give a completely different gathering, but when I ask if leeway is the prerogative of the teachers, she says yes, I should follow pretty well word-by-word. I thought to say nothing about the pressure, but when she was half finished I observed that my neck was tight, and she said it was; that her knuckles were strong, and she laughed and said they didn't start that way; that my back felt difficult as others do, and she said that I could put my arm up at a more acute angle to bypass someone's humped back, and that I could direct newer students to point their elbows more, but that maybe more advanced students would know what they were doing. I said she went fairly lightly around the hips, and she said they didn't need that much pressure, and she hadn't been going lightly for anything that she saw in my body. She said that people's bodies would change, that I could expect that the newer students wouldn't be doing so well, but that I could go along with them pretty much. I asked her how the center was coming with their move, and she said they'd seen lots of places, were still looking, and Lea and Alice were out that day hunting. She talked about seeing part of the fireworks last night from the roof, hearing that the police got lots of calls from terrified citizens. I changed the name on the check by ADDING "Actualism" to my previously written "Star Center," and she said "the whole accounting system is changing." Susan later told me about a "working T&R" where Linda did the body session on me, and I sort of moaned that THAT might have been $10, but maybe not, too. I told Linda that it was going well, that I had a table of my own and didn't need one from them that someone else had cancelled out on, and that I still felt it was going very well, and that I needed the session for tonight's first session in second advanced. We laughed about a couple of things, I felt pleased that both Amy and Susan reacted strongly to my being there, and Winston came out to smile and greet also, and there was a nice family feeling about the whole center, and it was my first session with Linda; Lea still to come!
DIARY 13482
10/5/78
ACTUALISM 2AD: Prep 1
I'm last in at 8:23, getting water, and Alice starts to build up the importance of this event, an initiation in itself, comparable to getting the Triune Personality Hierarchy, the Monadic Power Ray and the Tree of Light. She talks of the Organ Center and the Cell Center, saying that someone in their reports (oh, she acknowledged the reports, saying they were all reflections of the care and time we took with them, and both she and Winston had read them---and Winston sort of turned us over to her, and we applauded him) had maybe pre-seen this, and then we go gently to form hierarchy and when we move to the LEFT for the ORGAN center, I feel like I have the clear, empty half-head of an "after" sinus congestion ad, and Hierarchy is rapidly drawn into it with an almost audible "clink" of appropriateness that delights me. Then we go to the right, and it feels like the space is BIGGER, but much darker and more shadowed and cobwebby than the left side, but by the end of the processing it feels somewhat better. Get brain rattling around on the left, saying "I'm an organ," and I let it in provisionally, and when Dorothy shares about her "joy" I get a touch of that joy when Alice says "Of course your brain's an organ too." When she asks that the cells light their relationship lines, I imagine an outline of a dot-picture body being gradually filled with illuminated dashes connecting the dots (we're all a cosmic code?), forming an image of the Being of Light we are a another level. Then I feel guilty that I've been thinking about only the PHYSICAL body, but Alice says that that's all we're WORKING with now. Get a very "Close Encounters" image of a shining JACK with four egos on each spoke, filling the top of my head when the Full Personality Hierarchy is lit, and it feels good and proper, and I feel the same sense of "fitness" as when the suns took their seats along the central vertical axis. Take notes about the processing, having forgotten parts of it, and feel good about having come this far: if nothing ELSE gets done, at least the progress here is constant because someone ELSE is controlling it, and I can find movement here even though I don't find movement in many other areas of my life at this time.
DIARY 13483
10/5/78
ACTUALISM O-V FROM SUSAN
She's been held up in the subway, brought along the vibrator in case I might want the O-V, which I do since I had the NSH from Linda yesterday, and she gulps fruit, loves my chocolate cake, and starts talking about the Bahamas so I get out my brochures and she talks of "getting religion" in Andros where she got up to testify in April, Bill sitting silently, and she wants to talk more about it. I get on the table with the wire overheating heater on the shelf not warming me enough, and she goes fairly forcefully down the neck when I say that feels the stiffest, and then she increases the pressures on the hips and she says SHE felt like it was a good session, and so I did too. She got spaced out a few times and tried to repeat things, and didn't know whether she'd already done wipes or just the circles, and seemed very dizzy in the belly. She continues to burp and follow it by an open-mouthed expulsion of air that so over-dramatizes that it seems they MUST be conscious that they're making sounds. She coughs dryly a few times, and sometimes clears her throat or sighs in an exaggerated way that seems to want to impress both of us that she's doing such good work. At least she doesn't get carried away on dozens of repetitions as she does with the O-V when she feels she's not doing the right thing, but I thought I'd have to tell her that it was about time to stop doing the circles in the space at the back of the neck: I wasn't about to screw off even if she wanted me to! I think she might want to leave, since she's so late for work, but I don't tell her that I can get myself off the table, since the last time I did that with Amy she announced rather curtly that she wanted to stay around and soak up the essence, so I left it up to Susan: if she wanted to leave, she could always ask if it was OK and then do it. She didn't have any qualms about cutting short our talk about MY trip to the Bahamas so that we could get onto the table. But she left soon afterwards and I felt that she was getting somewhat better, and I didn't have to tell her any of the things that I learned maybe I could have told her from Linda yesterday, so it maybe helped work things out for BOTH of us for my having a NSH in center.
DIARY 13489
10/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON KATHY PIEPER
She phones at 1 saying maybe it's too much, too soon; she has so much she wants to do, she doesn't want to do it, and much of it mirrors what's going on with MY day (see DIARY 13488), when I don't even have time to type a page on all the things I want to do that I don't have time to do. THEN she says she was thinking of working in Red-Gold, and I think of it ONLY as part of the Warrior Sigil, but she says Rebekah advised it when she was agitated, and I go back to read that it's "Peace-be-still," which I'd FORGOTTEN, so again there seems to be no coincidences. She's over, looking vaguely like someone else, younger than I would have thought, and her LAST lesson 1.5 years ago was THE FIRST PREP TO SECOND ADVANCED, which is JUST what I've just had WEDNESDAY. She was auditing in Basic, now taking surgeries from Alice until she gets back into it. I suggest Ruby Red and she thinks about it, gets concerned about it, picks up the phone to call center, then decides it's OK even though she hasn't used it for a year and a half, and she calls herself a "friend" of Bob Dukes, said she heard I was very good, said she felt better after talking with me on the phone, popped up from the table a few times to do something, seemed very activated on the table, but went through a very good session anyway. She'd remarked about the wall hanging and had heard of Kei Takei, liked the wisteria, and said she did minimal art pieces, but did commercial art on the side that had nothing to do with her idea of art, and was fascinated with the idea of indexing. She asked for fairly heavy pressures, seemed to take it very well, and I was activated when she asked if I had any Tampax, since her period just started, but "Don't worry, it won't stain," and at some point she says "I feel the blood flowing," and I expect a blotched sheet, but it's clean. She gets up STILL activated, saying it was a VERY good session and scheduling another for next Sunday, since she's busy lots of the time between, and says she was glad she came to see me, paid me $5, blew her nose lots of times, liked my apartment, told me that the Conair hairdryer was in danger of breaking early, so I told her that a "sometime" roommate named Dennis used it, not me, and she said "OK" when I asked for a hug at the door, gave it perfunctorily, and left---my first "customer"!
DIARY 13492
10/9/78
ZERO POSTURE BALANCING WITH MICHAEL/ACTUALISM
He says Fritz Smith invented it based on central points of pelvis, occiput, and centers along the spine, and I lay on my back, in shorts, he enters and meditatively pulls down legs, then folding them over and pushing with such TENDERNESS that I feel emotionally touched and celebrated, and then when he reaches under and supports the base of my spine on the crest of his fingertips, I'm so impressed by the STRENGTH of his fingers and the ENERGY that he's devoting to my body, that I feel touched again and can feel tears rolling down my cheeks. He rubs my head, starts with a gathering with his fingers like a crown of thorns on my head, and I'd wanted it in Ruby Red but really felt it should have been done in Cosmic Father. Got a DECIDED image of a bald-bronzed body of an Egyptian king being given much the same treatment by adoring servants, and when he supports my back, I feel like the windswept hood ornament of a fabulous Rolls-Royce, and in the back of my neck I feel that same "shot through space" feeling that Dennis evokes with his thrust-forward face when I do the brushdown and he smiles so intensely. I marvel that so SIMPLE a regimen of holding can be thought of as so RICH in evocations and so FULL of tenderness and good feelings. Decidedly a CELEBRATION of the body, and I feel, again, grateful to Actualism that gives the opportunity to have such marvelous experiences while TRADING something that I know how to do, and I get the same feeling with him as with Dorothy: "How can I ever give him a session that will equal the power of the session he gives ME!) And I'm pleased again to be in the group I'm in, and repeat to Michael that he'd come up with Kathy yesterday as the person who got me into Actualism, so I sent "in Actualism terms, love and gratitude to you," and he thanked me and said it felt good to be thought of in that way. I was so impressed with the session that he said he'd tell me when Fritz was in town giving the three-day session that would TEACH this to me, and I said that it felt so LOVING that I would be glad to a chance to use it. He said he didn't do it for money, only as a gift, but Dorothy did, though I couldn't imagine her fingers being that strong, and wondered if I could develop to do it as well. Great trip.
DIARY 13493
10/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON MICHAEL BLACKBURN
He used the heater to warm up, and his pale back had the usual little flecks of liver-colored spots and blood-shiny splotches that everyone has, and none of the definition that I would have associated with someone who uses his body as much as he does, though he DOES have broad shoulders. I leave his left hand at his side until I'm down at the hip, which is surprising, and when I'm digging into the neck I can hear his little "hms" of pleasure as I get down into him, and I try doing it a little firmly, but he doesn't say anything about the pressures, but I don't feel as self-conscious as I thought I might, and hoped my generative power was good for him. When I got down to the right buttock and was cleaning up the last bit, I felt his body shake and heard sobs coming from him, and I was about to look at him and say something, but just let him be, and later he said that he felt so safe that this very charged item could come up for him, and he confided in me that it had something to do with his abilities to consider himself as someone WITH special talents and abilities, and as someone who was just like everyone else, and the switches between them, and he didn't say EXACTLY what it was, but I was pleased to at least have been able to afford him a security that he could sob in. Later, talking with Amy, I came up with the DISLIKE I had of anyone dependent or clinging which prevented ME from ever confessing to be dependent or clinging, which was sad, since it made me seem cold and aloof by comparison. Michael, it seems to me, has the same kind of problem: he must always be on top, so he can never confess to uncertainly or even pride. I didn't feel that the session was an exceptional one, and was disappointed when HE didn't say that it was, like most of the others seem to do, but he seemed happy enough to consider another trade, saying that something had been processed, and I was happy to have another trade. Saw a roach at the center, heard lots of noises from the street, learned that to operate the john in the "sunshine room" you had to jiggle it up and down very fast about 10 times, and had another male body added to my list of people done---kept trying to call Bob Dukes and Ken Miller and getting no answer, so I can't have THEM added to my list for awhile. Nice long legs Michael has though.
DIARY 13495
10/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON ARTHUR ELLENBOGEN
The massiveness of the obstruction on his right neck seems to have fallen into a few separate chunks that seem almost tractable, and his spine seems more free now, but he starts snoring during my advance down the left side of the spine, and I ask "Are you with us?" and he responds "How did you know I was going out?" As if he wanted to find what he shouldn't do. He kept talking about how much of a rapport he and Bruce and Dorothy Kent have, how they all see the same things, go at the same pace, almost activate the same way, except that Bruce is very much into rushing Arthur when Arthur is willing to just go along with him, even with BRUCE actually being the one holding things up. He says how AFFECTIONATE Winston is, since they both have Cancer rising: Arthur has just to LOOK at Winston and Winston will look over with love and come over for a hug. He found he never knew where he was with Bruce Jaffe: going well, doing badly, or being made fun of, and he didn't care for Jan at all, either, though Bruce TOLD him that he'd enjoy Winston when he got here, and he DID. He kept up his movement of raising his feet from the sheet, and I found myself doing the same thing with Amy the next morning when I was getting cramps in my feet. His stomach rumbled and rattled, and there were a few of the stinks he mentioned when he said heavy processing was being done. He looked at everything in a day-to-day manner, couldn't understand how I could be depressed doing only the things I want to do (like yesterday), and it would be something that could be consumed if I'd just be willing to work on it. He thought he was activating for the Higher Will Power Ray, which he thought he was getting Monday (Bruce said that since he was already in OC, HW WAS his next one, but didn't think he'd be getting it THIS week), but just went along with the lessons as they came. His bright red shorts mirrored the Ruby Red he said he always liked to do the body sessions in, and his legs rolled all over the place when I did them, but at least he didn't have to sit up again to eructate as he had to do before. Loves doing bodywork, took many minutes listening to my explanation of indexing, and took lots of stuff to xerox at work tomorrow so that Jim could have a copy when he comes here Tuesday---whoops, he's coming at NOON!
DIARY 13497
10/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON BRUCE---HARD!
No, HE or I wasn't hard, but the PRESSURE was hard. I tried all the pressure my knuckles could exert and he didn't say anything, but when I got to his trapezius he said I could go deeper, and I pushed down and he said still deeper, so I REALLY laid into it, sweating in the radiatored-room heat, and he winced and twitched and groaned and snuffled and seemed to be enjoying it tremendously, and I couldn't HELP think there might be a SMALL masochistic component in it that I was catering to, and thought I might have gotten a TINY sadistic frisson out of it, but was too worn out to delight in it. I clobbered his neck, which felt like it had nothing to clobber, and then went down his spine in normal spurts that he said were too long, and they may HAVE been, so I shortened them and they seemed better, though his back seemed to have LOTS of blotches in it that I had to break up. He almost sobbed with ecstasy when I dug my elbow into his buttocks, but he kept asking for more pressure along his hipbone, which is REALLY asking for it. I actually forgot to fill in the left buttock, and then after the right side of his spine he said his liver "felt like knives in it" so I put my hands on full, just cupping his plexus in my palms, and I asked if it was enough when he said he was leaving it up to my discretion. Continued with the end, taking about 70 minutes, and then went back to cup his plexus again, and he said it helped a lot. AGAIN I talked about my activation about time, and he talked all around his activation on time, too, and then he said IN DETAIL things that happened to him in various sessions, and I said that HE made me decide to continue writing my journal: I got RID of the detail and had space to work on the BIG picture, while he seemed taken up with analyzing LITTLE sections at a time. He kept saying he had to get up at 5:30 am and kept staying longer, drinking grape juice while I celebrated my day-as-bodyworker by having two glasses of wine. He spaced out during conversation, thanked me for the session, said he hoped he wasn't making me feel "out of the group": talking about him and Arthur and Dorothy so much, and I assured him it was an easy way for me to hear what OTHER people do in Actualism.
DIARY 13499
10/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH BY AMY
She comes in wrapped in shawls from the 37 coldness, takes grape juice, and tells me how activated she's been on the question of time, so that makes two of us, and I'm afraid I talk more about my characteristics than SHE does. She says she's fascinated to learn about me, how I operate when my list comes near to completion, and I'm telling about my big picture versus Bruce's tiny details when the phone rings and it's HIM, saying he's had a surgery on his vocal cords and THAT'S why he's talking so much, and when he hears Amy is here, he makes a reading appointment with her. We continue talking and Dennis calls to crow about a lightning-rod ball he's gotten in the mail, and when we finish talking she says "It's like we pre-activate and then go to the table and everything gets earthed." She's wanted a NEW energy, and we joke about amber (Dennis's ball) and fuchsia, and I say "White" and then remember that's the center of the Warrior Sigil, which she'd never used, so it IS a new energy, though she says it sounds powerful. She starts off with somewhat more pointed pressures than she's had before, and in the middle of my back I grunt and say "That's too much pressure" and she eases up a bit, which makes me feel better. Then on the lower right she seems to speed up and get uncoordinated, and I say "Don't let my loads rattle you," and it turns out she'd been experiencing great neck and torso tensions because my table's too high, she had nothing to brace her feet against, and she was overbalancing with her head. She messed up the trapezius till I gave her the clue "take the loads down the neck, across the shoulder, and THEN beam it down the arm," and she thanked me a lot. Her hip work seemed scattered, and I didn't bother telling her my neck was troublesome: she could feel that for herself. She said it had taken a lot out of her, felt powerful, and was glad to have done it. Then she says she owes me one, signs up for Sunday for another one on me, and she lays permanent claim to Mondays. She tells me she had a "flash of tantra, waves of feeling so intense I just said, "Adam stop, and we were just doing ordinary screwing," and "a touch of kundalini, like in meditation, just something flashing up and down my spine,"" and she said she loved both of them, and on my Sigil chart was a list of the three NEW energies, but interestingly she said she couldn't read my tiny handwriting!
DIARY 13501
10/10/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON PAT MANDINO
She's dressed so nicely I make a comment about it, and she's getting a NSH, acupuncture AND a colonic all today, and I say "And then you'll be OK?" and we both laugh. She thinks the D-cell water is tasting funny, I finish the dishes and brush my teeth and we chat about how her pelvic surgery put her in touch with the meanings and sounds of WORDS, and I remark how much Dennis is into those meanings and sounds, and how connected HE is with his pelvis, and she says she should talk more to him. She talked about how school cut down on any creativity or imagination she might have had, but she really liked geometry for reasons she couldn't figure out. But everything has opened up since her surgery, even though she wasn't touched: "But I could just FEEL reaching in and manipulating, and there was even a spot where I was getting an infection, and I could just SENSE how things were there," and then she has to leave, so she gets on the table with the heater on. I've made progress in memorizing the gathering, and then my stomach starts to go wild with sounds as I work on her neck and shoulders. I hadn't told her before that the Wookie from "Star Wars" was really making the noises of a STOMACH, and she laughs and laughs. She compliments my PRECISION on the neck and spine, but then I can't find the pelvic hinge very easily, until I move closer to the center and hit it. On the RIGHT side she moves her hip, then COUGHS, and I remark "I'll have everyone do that," and she says with great amazement: "That REALLY opened things up, it was incredible." Jab her so that she jerks a couple times on buttocks, and I don't seem to have her hip well located, but the session is pretty good, and she refuses the blanket even though it's chilly and her nose seems to be running. She leaves mascara on the towel as usual, says it was very good, and then has to run to her next meeting, saying she'll call me for when she'll come back to do me. She worked in Regenerative, and I didn't seem to be very strong in that, though she thought the session was OK, and I even had to search my memory to remember what color it was. But her NECK was marvelously easy to work with, and I actually felt a few neck spurs, since she was so easy to manipulate there.
DIARY 13504
10/11/78
ACTUALISM NSH FROM BRUCE AT HIS PLACE
He's lying down, activated, and we talk about his moving to California and taking up fiddle music there, and he keeps pulling his hair. I get quickly into his messy body room where his roommate's moved out, shadeless for undressing, and get into the white (which he said ISN'T done with the sigil, to his knowledge), and he goes heavily into the neck, and that he does well enough (though there's a jolt of pain in my neck that travels down to the middle of my left spinal channel), though I insist that he clip a nail on his thumb, joking about his using the "blue stick" when he scrapes the edge on his jeans, but since he'd never heard of an "orange stick" the joke is lost on him, and he keeps talking about the Vocal Cord surgery that keeps him chattering inanely about anything. He's rough on the arm brushdown, and I keep thinking that he DOESN'T like being in a body, doesn't care for the bodies of others, and therefore doesn't show the LOVE for the body in the NSH session that I show because I LIKE bodies, but I don't feel that I can tell him this in these terms, but when later he says his brain is disconnected from his body, I remark "and you'll be able to tell the difference on the body table when it DOES get connected." Then he starts leaning in on the spine, and my muscles react in pain to drive him out. I ask him to wait, but he pauses with his elbow in the channel so that I can't quite relax. There ARE things there, but they might be PHYSICAL rather than psychological blocks, and he seems to agitate my nerves so that my back tries to armor up to keep him OUT. However, it MIGHT be getting deeper into problems that are "well armored" themselves, so it MIGHT be doing good, as I could see from Linda at Actualism. I keep reminding myself that as I went along with MICHAEL in ROLFING the session was good, so now I should go along with BRUCE, but I can't help wondering if MY BODY doesn't know better than HIS elbow does. Feel a slight pain in my back after that, into the next day, but it's not BAD, only reminding me it's still there. He agrees my buttocks are bony, not tight, and then he leaves, serves me chamomile tea OUT of the strainer while he drinks his tea IN the strainer, and I leave at 11:10 when a friend he'd played the intro for called, and he seems fairly agitated through the evening. While assimilating, I kept thinking of a COMEDY MONOLOGUE for Dennis (see DIARY 13505).
