1980 7 of 10
SUNDAY, 9/21/80: TYPICALLY MIND-BOGGLING SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN ARTICLE: They're looking for proton decay to check whether EXPERIMENTALLY the proton proves to last 1032 years, and they designate a hypothetical particle X which has a mass comparable to a virus particle which "cannot be detected directly even in principle," probably have to do with its "fleeting existence" being shorter than the amount of time a detecting light-particle could reach it and rebound from it. These particles seem to be getting bigger and bigger, surely leading to Wheeler's GEONS which were more massive than suns. And it again verifies the impossibility of EVER coming to a final conclusion: now that the study of the smaller and smaller involves larger and larger mass-energy entities, science has gotten itself into an infinite regress that has no hope of termination. Again the thought that these "particles" are crystallized figments of the physicists brainpower is undeniable. They're now dealing with 1033 nucleons with statistical characteristics so strait that they probably WILL find the boiling pot of water that freezes on the burner---with so many entities you're BOUND to get a sick one that coincidentally will do what you think it SHOULD do to prove your thesis and disprove everyone else's. How sad that the "provability" of basic scientific facts seems to recede rather than draw closer. I have the nagging feeling that they've forgotten a factor somewhere, that they've PASSED the solution sometime in the past, and they're like the dog who's lost the rabbit and is only chasing its own tail. And I vaguely wish they had the time to devote to the STUDY of these phenomena so that I could have the equipment to ADD things up and come up with conclusions that are already there except for someone pointing to them. But Rolf didn't think that Gay Rock was a necessarily million-selling concept, so THIS of my ideas doesn't have to have any validity aside from making a kind of lopsided sense on a sheet of paper.
ENTERTAINMENT 12
9/25/80
55TH STREET PLAYHOUSE AND DAVID DIRTY MOVIES
I'd wanted to see "Closed Set" and "Kansas City Trucking" and "El Paso Wrecking Company" that I thought was at the 55th, but when I got wined up and dressed down (no underwear, jeans) and got there, they were showing "The Dirty Picture Show." Since I was THERE, I paid my $5 from my $10 and went in. People filing BEHIND the screen. "TDPS" has a sexy Joe Battaglia, but not much else, and with previews lasts all of 5-6:10. So I go backstage and there's a red-lit room with people sitting on banquettes and standing against a curved stage front that could be a BAR. Not much action, but then there's furtive cock taking-out and sucking and some little fucking, and then some twosomes get affectionate (but sitting up, no one lay down at ALL) on benches. I got approached twice, once by a strange black who I thought of later when the owner (?) bellowed out "Gentlemen, watch your wallets, there are pickpockets here," who flopped his small cock into my hand, but I moved away. The black who'd been sitting behind me jerking off sat next to me and I reached over and cupped his cock and took it out, surprisingly small, but it grew and grew until it was nicely sizable and firm-headed and big-veined, and I sucked until he was ready to come, then slowed until he pushed into it, and came lots, gasping loudly and pushing and panting as I finished him off, then slowly began to get hard again, when I decided that was enough. They were almost lined up for me then, but I didn't want any of them, except for the short Japanese with strong legs who sat next to me and let me work him over so that HIS small cock with flaring head could come, and he ended rather affectionately rubbing my head and back and me caressing his ass, but then he left too. The Steelers sweater came over for a hard-veined cock in his cock ring, but he didn't come, and later I saw him sitting in the john beside the "piss slave available" signs over the johns, two of them, both active. I approached a Spanish-type who took my hand away, said "How's it going?" and when I said "Fine" he said "Fine for me too" and moved away. Even some cruising sitting in the chairs outside in the lobby, though no access to the somewhat surly fellow selling Tickets, as there was in the movie. As I was about to leave, not interested in the behind-rows stand-up jerkoff of people who looked like Eisenhower handing off people who looked like Alistair Cooke. Then noticed a tiny sign in the lobby near "Closed Set"; "now playing at the David." I'd come to the wrong house! Walked over, $5 conveniently in my pocket, thinking how I'd cadge another $1 from passersby if they happened to have the nerve to charge $6, and sign said "Closed Set" plus two other movies, which were NOT the other two. In anyway, few people standing in back, FEWER people scattered down the narrower theater, here a better center aisle as opposed to the inconvenient side aisles at the 55th, and "Closed Set" was on and in a few minutes someone rather facially like Richard Otto came and sat next to me, playing with his fly, and I played with mine and he moved over and took his cock out, which was only momentarily hard, and I didn't get hard, and finally he moved away, saying "I can't do it here, can you?" but didn't suggest any other place, and later I saw him moving in and out of the dark rooms in back. "Closed Set" was great and come-y, but the next was that AWFUL thing about marriage that started with the knife-slicing ass turnoff, so I checked to find a long left hall back to the street, a john in back, and a dark activity area that was always full but too dark for me to be interested. Then up the spiral staircase to the theater-size vacant room with a porno video going with scattered chairs with no one in them, and the railway car-size side dark room with some activity. I even went out the back exit to see the stairs down to the lobby and the street. At least no one's gong to be caught in a fire here. Not many humpy types, too dark where people were in action, so I watched a VERY sexy Dean Chasson and John Markhum in "Tuesday Morning Workout" even though the mass orgy-scene at the end was NOT very directed or interesting---about halfway through I thought it was ALL overkill and I'd REALLY had enough---but then the magic of Joe Gage started again and it was REALLY a super film with a HUGE dick on the guy with a cap on, a SEXY sequence of the guy in the center who just got DRENCHED in come, and LOTS of good shooting come scenes and even interesting music (not to mention the FIRST "Tubular Bells" for the unnamable movie, and even THAT was awful), and if all movies were as PLEASINGLY gay as that, we might begin to get a good PRESS!
ESSAYS 38
10/17/80
TWO HOMOSEXUALITIES
On page 180 of Updike's "Picked-Up Pieces" he speaks of Borges and "the affection with which he writes elsewhere of male friends like Alfonso Reyes and Macedonio Fernandez. This is at the opposite pole from homosexuality; femaleness, far from being identified with, is felt as a local estrangement that blends with man's cosmic estrangement." I'm angered by the implied equals sign of the semicolon between homosexuality and femaleness. He's not LIKED homosexuality in other books, yet seems more feminine than male himself, could be some old dyke photographed on the cover of that book. Yet AMY'S implication of my homosexuality DEMANDING anal-passive-receptive-feminine activity from me ALSO irritated me. Even EB III irks in V:107: "homosexuality, also called SEXUAL INVERSION, the sexual attraction of a person to one of the same sex (Greek homo-, "same"; not from Latin homo, "man"). This deviation usually but not always leads to physical contact culminating in orgasm---accounts of homosexuality were available for 76 out of 190 (primitive) societies. Of these, in 49 (64 percent) the practice was accepted as normal. ... more likely among men than women to be characterized by a divorce of sexual activity from affection or a stable relationship." 16:603 neatly contradicts the (64 percent) by saying "Though the most prevalent deviation, its frequency is unknown, largely because its being considered both sinful and illegal in most societies (I guess it depends on who's counting!). ... in a man's fear of not seeming manly ... most people are heterosexual, a smaller number can enjoy both sexes (bisexualism), and a still smaller number exclusively prefer people of the same sex. (I bet that's just plain WRONG!). Male homosexuals can be habitually effeminate (note which comes first!), intermittently so, or habitually masculine. The most effeminate restrict their behavior to their version of a woman's role, not only mimicking nonsexual femininity but also enjoying being seduced and overpowered by their partner, receiving penises into their anus, mouth, or hand and disliking the inserter role. (Then another whole long paragraph on the effeminate drag ball.) Most male homosexuals are less effeminate, revealing their effeminacy only when safely with other homosexuals (!!!). Finally, there are habitually masculine men, who, with no apparent wish to simulate femaleness, still choose other males exclusively for sexual pleasure, with few even exaggerating their masculinity in dress and manner. 48 (versus 49, as normal) Where true homosexuality does exist, natives, when questioned, have simply been amused that it could conceivably be banned. Nevertheless, M.K. Opler has noted: Actually, no society, save perhaps ancient Greece, pre-Meiji Japan, certain top echelons in Nazi Germany, and the scattered examples of such special status groups as the berdaches, Nata slaves, and one category of Chukchee shamans, has lent sanctions in any real sense to homosexuality." (And people BELIEVE him??) (Arabic cultures not noted at ALL??) All vertebrates, including man, have sufficient equipment to indulge in homosexual behavior (then goes on to describe MOUNTING---so ANIMAL homosexuality, which is observable ONLY by mounting, is carried over into HUMAN homosexuality, which (surprise!!!) can go far beyond (and away from) mounting as the ONLY expression of affection between same-sexed partners.... Treating effeminate male homosexuals with male hormones, however, has not resulted in more manliness but rather in an intensification of their sexual excitement with the same effeminate behavior as before. ... In general, psychoanalysts consider homosexuality a result of severe anxiety in childhood, not a variant of normality. The main article's reference to Kabuki leads to a discussion of "catamites" and the reference to prison deprivation talks of "rape," so here, too, the emphasis is anal. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER HOMOSEXUALITY: where the man's body is almost worshipped, where the penis is so desired that there's disappointment if it disappears from sight into the anus or even the mouth (which can taste, I think, far more fully than the ass), and where there IS affection and a stable relationship---as a relationship for four or five years IS, which is more than most marriages WOULD have if there weren't laws and mores to keep the partners together. No WONDER men are uptight about being considered gay: their activities would then, they think, have to include either fucking (which I agree is messy) or being fucked (which I agree is painful), RATHER than something as stimulating as looking, talking, necking, exciting, and masturbation, alone or mutual, to bring off a better-felt orgasm than available through someone ELSE'S ministration, whether a woman's cunt or a man's asshole. What a pity the law-oriented gay liberation movement doesn't take this into account: the education of the public actually FALLS when it comes to the determination that anal intercourse isn't the only (or maybe even the PREFERRED) mode of interaction between (and among) male homosexuals---masculine male homosexuals, to further adapt the EB discrimination against the effeminate. I may not have been MASCULINE as a child, but I CERTAINLY wasn't feminine, except as the dichotomizing public must have labeled a boy who didn't play baseball in the summer, football in the fall, basketball in the winter, or enjoy "working out" in the gym, except as a place to see naked men in the shower. The ONLY erotic scene in "Sebastian" was the one in which the two humpy men obviously enjoyed each other's bodies and sensuality. "Caligula" is probably disgusting because of the fucking, and even when Charles Laughton's Nero is pictured with a beautiful man, his hair is curled and his face simpers to make him as effeminate as possible, even though he DOES have lovely muscles on his arms and chest. Thinking of the masculine male homosexual, too, the public usually makes the leap to motorcyclists and SM addicts, with again no room left between for a more NORMAL enjoyment of men, cocks, orgasms, masculine affection and ideals and bodies, that I and so many others seem to enjoy. But, like movies in which there is no suspense or crisis, these items don't make NEWS because they're NOT as photogenic, they're NOT as headline-worthy, they're NOT sensational or bizarre or fascinating, they're merely affection and happiness and love and warmth and loving-kindness, without being FEMININE in any way at all---unless being near a man without wanting to arm wrestle, cuss, drink, or slay has to be TERMED feminine by an over-dichotomizing and over-macho world. "A Perfect Summer" seemed merely simpery by showing two men having fun leaping in the surf. What a pity that the OTHER homosexuality isn't more pictorial, attractive, and vote-getting.
ESSAYS - 41
10/17/80
TWO J/O NIGHTS AT J'S
A perfect example of the dichotomy is Tuesday versus Monday at J's for J/O. Tuesday is fucking (or fist fucking, but who kisses fists?), and what cocksucker who doesn't care for the taste of shit would put himself into the position of sucking on a cock that's been up someone's ass (probably diseased)? I remembered how depressed and turned-off I was when someone that I'd earlier been attracted to debased himself by being fucked or fist-fucked in the middle of the room: didn't he value HIMSELF enough to want to be related to face-to-face, with his own cock valued? Why are so many cocks by people being fucked and fist-fucked limp and flaccid? Not having fun? Monday is jerking off and looking and enjoying and talking and KNOWING that the cock is going to be relatively clean, and that no one's going to be shoving his ass into your cock---or, I hope, pissing in your hand, either. Dennis was puzzled when John, the owner, went down on him, but I suggested that he was only taking into account that it was Tuesday, and that people were there to be impressed in "one" homosexuality way: that of macho doing and taking into the mouth without gagging, rather than worshipping the cock and the body as would be more likely on Monday night. Also, it seems a cop-out: when I go down on someone it's nice because my usually just-come cock isn't working anymore, and I don't want it to be so obvious. But the best activity of all is standing face-to face, fondling bodies and cocks and tits, necking and caressing, enjoying and talking and pausing and smiling and joking and laughing and stimulating, sometimes with the mouth, to be sure, but usually drawing back to take a long close look, wetting so that it slips more easily, wetting to heighten the electricity between the bodies when the cocks are crushed inside in a heavenly hug. THIS is the other homosexuality that should be more played out on the screens: witness my disgust when BEAUTIFUL people end up eating assholes (Who'd want to kiss anyone THERE? Who'd want to kiss the lips that had been THERE?) and no showing off their beautiful bodies and more beautiful cocks and even more beautiful orgasms, the crown of the crown of the cock, the best moment of all.
ENTERTAINMENT 14
10/18/80
NEW EVERARD BATHS (10/12)
Having drunk wine, wanting to come, on the spur of the moment I decide that since tomorrow is a holiday, TODAY would be a good day to try the new Everard, so I put on my jacket, determine to shower there, determine to try it without glasses of ANY kind, and subway to 34th and walk back, getting there about 10:30, getting a room for the weekend rate of $10.75, but don't get a towel, walk up the two flights to the room to find no towel (when I finally locate the room), down to complain, and get told I should have seen the attendant. "You should have seen me," he said. "If they told me I should have seen you I would have seen you," I retorted. Pleasant dimmer on the room light, which sadly fades to a kind of greenish dimness in contrast to the red-tinted lighting in the halls. Wander to find most rooms dark, with too many cuties on their stomachs, but a few nice ones wandering, and shower so that at least I'm clean, a Dennis-body with a long dangle looking without disapproval at me. Back to find no one for whom to enter in the rooms, so back to my room just before a dead-end, but still in lots of traffic, and watch the seven fat years pass and enter: seven people whose main complaint was a too-pudgy middle and too-gray hair. Then I started counting the leans that I refused, and after 3, in came a John Alexander (or whatever Pope's friend's name is)-like guy after playing with himself in the hall, and when he stood over me with his large floppy cock and ENORMOUS balls ringed with a rubber ring, I started getting hard, talking dirty, and he loved to watch, and I checked that he wanted to play, rather than come, and we both seemed to get close, excited by the other, kissing and necking with sweaty bodies too, and finally he lay down and commanded that I come in his face, when I said I didn't want to wait much longer, and he urged me on, raising like some baby bird to the mother beak of my penis-tip with wide mouth, but sadly when my first jet erupted it strung over the bridge of his nose, across the closed lash of his right eye, and across the side of his head onto the bed, so he probably couldn't open to watch anything after that. He sucked and tried to come, but didn't, we necked, agreed we were sexy, and didn't exchange numbers. though Dennis thought that was a shame. Sweaty down to the shower, where's he's washing off, and has a rather nice body, and though his short hair was rather like Bart Cook's on "Jerome Robbins Live in Studio 8H" in "Dances at a Gathering" that I saw two days later, I don't think the guy I was with had QUITE the proper dancer's body. Not much action in the steam room, quite hot, people watching TV, but mostly centered around the rooms and aisles, and I never DID see where the lockers were. Seemed to be people waiting in the snack shop for rooms about 1 am. Back to my room and next came a skinny fellow who seemed new and nervous, saying he didn't want to come by jerking off, but when I kept sucking on him he remained limp, and finally I just stopped trying anything and he vaguely apologized and he left. I wandered more, nice bodies beginning to fill the hall, and I went into a room where the guy was jerking off, nice stiff cock, and I played and played and played and he shot, finally, but said he didn't feel like he came, but he didn't want to do anything else, so I left. Cute hippy-type with some amulet about his neck eyed me affectionately two or three times, but when we reached out for each other's cocks, they remained flaccid, and though I tried making it affectionate, diving into his neck and trying for his cheek, he didn't want to kiss, so we looked longingly AGAIN at each other, touched hands lingeringly, and parted---I didn't see him again: maybe HE had come and decided to go home then too. About 3 am I found some Paul-like balding fellow playing with himself of nice enough body to play with too, but when he moved into a 69 position, demanded that I "open my fingers wide" to take in more of his nipples and tug them hard, and couldn't get me hard, I figured it was a loss and THEN he twisted some cord in my left testicle and I had a zap of pain as intense as the fellow from the Mineshaft when I thought he bit me HARD. It didn't go away, he seemed genuinely puzzled and not TOO apologetic, so I HAD to conclude he didn't do anything very HARD, but there's some glitch there that REALLY hurts in my left epididymus. Nursed until I felt better, then dressed and left at 3:30, trying the BMT right out the door: the attendant said one should be along any minute, and it WAS, so I got home quickly by 4 am, feeling good that I'd tried ANOTHER place of sex, WELL!
ENTERTAINMENT 16
10/19/80
SAN FRANCISCO BALLET
Good memories, particularly of Cynthia Gregory, of their season of 1964-65 led me to think two might not be too many, and the second was even better than the first. INTRODUCTION AND ALLEGRO was pleasantly classical, Tomm Ruud pretty and blond, good lighting and patterns of prettily-swathed women. DUETTINO was smashingly like Don Quixote PDD, bright red costumes, flashy choreography by Smuin, lifts and twists that got gasps and applause from the audience, and EITHER Nancy Dickson or Evelyn Cisneros seemed fair to be as good as Cynthia Gregory: rock-point, double spins effortlessly, speed and freezing excellently alternated, and even a bit of humor in the bustle-rustle. And David McNaughton was super, too, with barreling double turns in the air coming down PERFECTLY gracefully in an arabesque. PSALMS to Bernstein's "Chichester Psalms" was VERY Jewish, and Gladstein put in angst, angst, angst. Yugh---not sexy, either, though not quite BAD, just HEAVY. A SONG FOR DEAD WARRIORS was the oldest piece (1978) by Smuin, with lots of Indian whooping, costumes, and mores, with sexy Indian bodies, arresting buffalo heads in his vision, a convincing scalping that left blood on his trousers, and beautiful cloud projections of Happy Hunting grounds. Another heavy piece, but so THEATRICAL, even to pool cues put between the legs and wriggled like cocks, that it was demandingly applauded. SCARLATTI PORTFOLIO had the fabulous travesty of Horacio Cifuentes as Francischina, fabulous work with a hoop of the Arlequin of David McNaughton, and great duets and solos for a LOVELY evening, looking forward a LOT to tomorrow. Maureen's sitting right behind me for that, we say they're good, and QUANTA starts out stunningly: fabulous lighting by Sara Linnie Slocum, as usual, just BEAUTIFUL sexy costumes, and good choreography by John McFall, who plays the prize fighter in Nothin' Doin' Bar. The Shostakovich String Quartet #6 is perfect for quantized lighting, dancing, movements "energy states." THE TEMPEST PDD has handsome Jim Sohm twirling Vivian Little in the air to gasps, and it's something I'd like to see more of, the full evening by Smuin. NOTHIN' DOIN' BAR is fun, the final explosion a riot, and heavenly milk from Milhaud's Le Boeuf sur le Toit a perfect climax. MOZART'S C MINOR MASS by Smuin was AGAIN brilliant in lighting and choreography and costuming and dancing, triple solos and duets showing the CHORUS to be first rate, and 50 people were their ENTIRE cast!
MONDAY, 10/20/80: DISSATISFACTION WITH LIFE (PLAY 331-360): So I FILLED UP with Broadway plays, WENT to three (2 great SF, 1 poor Cincinnati) ballet in a weekend, WALKED Brooklyn with Spartacus, WATCH the TV that I want to, GO to Everard and Man's Country in 8 days, GET a third dentist (this afternoon) scheduled, MAINTAIN vacuuming and bills and dishwashing and even more lightwork sessions, SIGN UP for St. George Health Club and make Mexico plans and buy armchair and coordinate and read LOTS of books (of course, what I'd SAID I'd do during October, now 2/3 through, is write the PLAY, which I've got 23 pages of notes for (NOTEBOOK 331-350), but that's not as FINISHED as I'd wanted it to be LAST Friday), but I'm STILL NOT FEELING SATISFIED. Would that I KNEW some disaster was coming, so that I could say I was indulging in New York City before it came. Would that I KNEW I would finish the play "in time" so that I could just enjoy what I'm doing without guilt. Would that I KNEW where Actualism was going so that I wouldn't feel so HASSLED about it. Would that I FOUND a new lover so that the anxiety about the falling-apart of Dennis's and my relationship could end. Would that I were FINISHED with periodontal work (and Spartacus's memory that Bob Grossman had LONG delays in his work as student after student graduated out from under his work and he had to go for over a year: makes me glad I decided NOT to go to a school for the work). And there's more to do in TOWN now: Bloomingdale's for China, MOMA for cartoons, J's tonight, Brigadoon Wednesday, dinner at George's Saturday, Open Stages Sunday, class Friday. And I feel like I have six "careers" to float: possibly-computerized indexer, playwright, theater-dance reviewer, New York observer, Actualism student, traveler, none of which have not quite enough time given to them and DESPERATE to get more in on EACH. But I DID figure out the Plymouth bill for me and Rolf, WILL type up Amy's session that's now 20 days old, WILL do the CRIF and see Art Blum at ACM and Auerbach at Hanson Place and J's today, not to mention keeping up with the mail and eating my new rations of fruit and vegetables and maintaining something with Dennis and Actualism students and FINALLY getting to Michael for Mexico reservations. AND do what I feel is a sufficient number of THESE pages.
ENTERTAINMENT 17
10/20/80
ST. MARKS / MAN'S COUNTRY
Drinking wine and Drambuie while watching "Cosmos" and "Alaska" (My trip!) from 8-10, I decided to put in contacts and debated WHICH baths, but figured I'd not been to St. Marks in a longer time, so I BMTed there by 10:45 to be told I'd have to pay $6.75 for a locker and THEN full price for a room, or wait about 45 minutes for a room. After complaining to an attendant who asks "Do you want to talk to the manager?" and talking with a manager who ended by insisting he couldn't do anything about it, that they'd TRIED the other way and needed two more people, I said "You just lost this one," and I walked up to 15th, wondering if it mightn't be 19th that Man's Country was on, but there it was, no one waiting, room 708 when I left it up to the guy who asked what floor I wanted and I said "I don't know, you know the place, I don't," right outside the elevator door, for $10. Undress and put my stuff in the locker and shower looking at a sexy guy with a nice uncut erection who went into the steam room with a taller older guy, but they got off nicely and went into the sauna while I dried and looked at the few other open rooms, liked the start of a jerk off before mirrors in the Satyr's Gym on 10, with lots of equipment, passed up a Chinese hand, looking into a couple of Fantasy Rooms with mirrors (910 and 909 and 904) with semi-decent people who didn't give me a welcome, and a few other nice people, with some DEVASTATINGLY abdominated blonds wandering the floor, so I got back to my room to lounge and try to attract, but the crowd got worse, maybe 1/3 black, not unattractive, but not my first choices. Wait a LONG time, then out to the truck to suck on a hard "Jamie" and he says he doesn't want to come yet, but he likes me and will see me later. Fewer rooms open, NO one in the shower on 6, but some in the new shower on 8, at truck-front, and gym closed at midnight, upstairs, and down and back to room, narrowing down people I'd accept, playing with myself till I got juicy and my balls started to feel hurtful again, fewer good people but still THERE, but no one who was GOOD came in and I nodded out about 12 ugly ones, and at 2:30 I decided that enough was really enough, with about 3 cripples limping about and unsavory blacks growing in numbers, and JUST miss a #2, but the next is still mine and I get home at 3:10 and bed at 3:15, rather disgusted with NO action at ALL there.
TUESDAY, 10/21/80: AMY/SHELAH ON MY TEETH AND LIFE: (Amy starts by talking HERSELF, saying that she is getting experience in "receiving" from SheLAH without actually going into trance):
A:---one of the comments was mentioned about Egyptians, buh-buh-buh-buh, rabbis, and he says and he say "No, it has its own ??", and one of the things was a lifetime in Egypt, when it was mentioned. You were not Egyptian, you were one of those SURROUNDING, you looked very Semitic. Sometimes Egyptians don't look SEMITIC, and you looked very Semitic. Prominent nose and so on. You were MAN---a MAN---very masculine, virile image of a person. Almost---um---legendary, isn't that nice? I have a feeling it goes so far back that it was actually when people sort of chiseled in stone, in the bottom of the caves, this is OLD! And you were sort of written about, as though sort of a legendary figure, but in essence there was a real person there.
B: I was wondering, did you have time for a
S: ? Oh, all right. Here, and helmet, on the head. Oh---Chaldeans were a very important culture because they had been visited by space beings. My God! That's why they were so in the forefront of civilized---
B: I---there was something that I read in Omni THIS EVENING that said that the Sumerian cuneiform calls the planets in number from the outside in, so that Earth is the seventh planet in, Mars is the sixth, and Venus is the eighth planet. (Omni, October, 1980, p. 158: Inferring that the TENTH (still unknown) planet is INWARD from Venus, since it and Mercury must be 9th and 10th. The tablet is 4500 years old, therefore conflicting with Velikovsky, who said Venus wasn't a planet until 1500 BC. And EB says that the Chaldeans were a MINOR class of Sumerians, rising to statehood about 800 BC, rather late in the drama, so SheLAH might have been communicating Sumerians and Amy said Chaldeans.)
A: There's another of your coincidences in your readings. I think they must have been early writers and had writings.
B: The cuneiform, yeah.
A: They receive that, from visitors and beings from another planet, who gave them art.
B: They said they were visitors 450,000 years ago, some almost astronomical figure.
A: This is a wink of an eye. (Laughs) I saw this giant one eye going (Winks). She says "This is the light of the soul, this is the light of the HUMAN soul (we had decided to work in Soul Light for the session). One can say that it is ONE SOUL, with one eye, and one person. How we develop is the story of complexity, but the overall essence is singular. She says "My DEAR, you need more activity, you've been lazy physically." She says, "What about a bicycle?"
B: I say, what about signing up at the St. George Health Club for $75/year?
A: What is this?? (I explain it to her) I reacted to that one. (Back) of course, exercise and movement are valuable. The thrill of the bicycle is that you're going somewhere. Don't beat your breast, just know that you need exercise. No right or wrong. Fact, just information. Motivation. All right, let me turn off. (Off, then on again) To really receive the knowledge, the perfection, the enlightenment that you've been searching for; you have to know that it comes in little drops, like golden drops, and you have to listen for them. It's not like a shower that has thickness, it's this delicate substance that falls, and you want to hear it falling. So you want to TUNE the inner hearing, and stretch for even the smallest sound: it's as if you want to HEAR a raindrop fall. This is the way you're stretching for it. You can actually (she's pulling down and out on both earlobes)---and you have to do it with actually lightly touching the earlobe, there's actually a piece of it that sensitizes the mechanism. (Off again)
S: Good evening to you.
B: Welcome, SheLAH, I haven't heard from you for a long time.
S: It is a profound pleasure to be present with you this evening. Focused in great power, greater power than we have had in quite a while. I want to tell you that the responsibility for such depth of strength is much in your corner. With the purification of the immortal that you have been doing, it is as though it is a dedicated sculptor-worker, polishing a living statue. Taking a cloth and rubbing the dull spots, and as you rub, the structure becomes evident. And in fact, ultimately, animate. The true and dedicated worker is thereby rewarded many fold. So, with this acknowledged, and joy, we greet. I want to tell you, rather confirm, that you are at a profound point in the journey. (I gasp) Now, I overheard the term "The Dark Night of the Soul"; I want to rather say "The Blue Phase of the Soul," when wisdom comes forth, flooding, taking every opportunity, every corner turned, to reflect the message that has finally started to creep in to consciousness. It is as though you are moving from the bottom to the top. The focus has moved from just the bottom to the top. I wonder is there a change here for your sexuality, because you are moving energy from the genital organs to the head.
B: Well, I find it a reason for concern, because I maybe fear losing sexual interest or desires.
S: Perhaps PERCENTAGE of activity will change, but interest and---if you know and sense that what you love about the sexual kind of experience is the spontaneity, the unpredictability, of the experience. This will never leave you. This is the joy of the sexual act.
B: I think that's probably true for me AND for Dennis, and our relationship is foundering on the rocks of predictability.
S: Ah, yes, but this is not sexually the problem here; rather it is truly not the sexuality, the issue, in that case. I am talking of you alone right now, my dear.
B: OK.
S: We speak of relationships later. I am talking about the fact that were you even UNinvolved, you would be going through this thing, and it is a very interesting and necessary change to the process of greater power and enlightenment.
B: I think of it in negative terms as maybe a male menopause, which is a very negative concept.
S: Well, yes, this is when the energy moves and people shut off all creativity, this is in some cases true. I don't think it will change the quality of your experience, though you may start to---alter---the frequency. But the SPIRIT shall be actually the same, and improved, with unusual experiences now possible. You don't even know, what can be available as that.
B: You wouldn't want to drop any hints?
S: Well, one of the true joys is rainbows of energy from the very sacral spine all the way through the body and out the head. This is inspired through sexual union. And I tell you that it is quite an aphrodisiac (I laugh), that can only be experienced either through divine intervention or through the natural and steady opening of energy centers. When they're all open and enlightened, that experience is possible. It turns like a wheel on top of the head. So you have much to go, and I'd hardly call that menopause. But it is a difference; you see, it is a shift; and I say don't be frightened of change, rather observe it. Don't draw your conclusions too quickly. Do you want to say something here?
B: I was wondering if you find anything to say about alignment. In some ways I feel mal-aligned these days. I don't know if this is the point of the path that I'm on, or if something's amiss.
S: Well, let me just hold that question; I hope to address it. Let me just talk it with you for a moment. Let me go back; I had an original plan. You are speaking of change, and the fact that you have entered the Blue Light of the Soul---the Blue NIGHT of the Soul. The soul has been given more room; the immortal given more animation; the personality wonders through its fear: will it be thrown out the door? I want to address myself to that side---to the mind, and assure it that its presence is welcome. Its invaluable gift is appreciated at every waking moment. Yet, like a child, it is, in comparison to the more mature aspects of the Self, which has been brought into clear focus. The man emerges, and the child is pleased that there is someone to guide. He has been in over his head. He will not be cut off or denied, this child: he will be given just the right amount of room to grow, and he WILL be happy, in this manner. Now Robert has changed points in life, as you know. There is upset, and the cells, the very cells, rearrange. You grow now, I see, more into the man that you have glimpsed as your potential. Your irritation with your young friend is that he---does not grow in like manner. Understand this to be true and observe it. Don't judge yourself harshly, nor him---this is the pattern of things. If Terenz chooses to polish his statue, then this is well and good. But should he decide to leave the figure uncleaned, this must be honored as well. There has grown to be a distinct gap in consciousness between the two of you. The personalities still enjoy the same activities together, but it is as though you are hungrier for greater depths and contacts, and he cannot supply them. Well, this is how I see it. (Pause) May I just shift a little to the side and tell you that I see you have grown unconfident about your writing and literary endeavors, and I want to say "Don't give up yet." You're growing weak in this area, and I think you should take your polishing cloth: polish the hand which reached to the paper. Give it a few more tries at least, you must whirl it around again. Please don't just retreat away.
B: No, in fact, in the month of October I've thought of writing a musical play. There have been ideas---coming through---and it seems there might be something possible.
S: Well this is very nice to SPARKLE, but I feel you must complete the project which has already been started. You need it, so as not to suffer a certain shame, a lack of confidence. Think about this, I don't insist.
B: You're talking about the indexing book? I guess?
S: Well, it is a project---let me say I see it this way: it starts (hands) at a strong level and dips painfully in the middle.
B: Yeah, that's---
S: Does that suit that project?
B: That suits that project, yes.
S: All right, pull that middle point up.
B: OK, yes.
S: Pull that middle point up, the rest shall even. Do try to do this. You shall make a change, just in the doing, for yourself.
B: Yes.
S: It is a sore spot.
B: Yes.
S: But I want you to know that this is not unconquerable. I would not bring it up, for example. So, now, we come back. I had to comment. It was crying me "Hey," I could not ignore it. So, now, let me see. (Pause) Your father is out of form?
B: Yes.
S: And he would like to say somewhat. He has not tried to contact you before, I can see this. He is rather, again, shy and reticent with you. He feels that he was a poor father to you and a weak man, and he says he did not like himself, to put it mildly. Violently turned against himself, and you were very young, and he did not have time for you and your needs. And your mother grabbed you up fast (laughing), there wasn't room for him to fight his way in.
B: Yeah, she's a strong---person.
S: She grabbed you very quickly. So he was left as a visitor, in a sense, but he's rather ashamed, and would ask that perhaps you might find it in your heart to forgive him. It has burdened him that he was not all that he could have been.
B: Well, I---I've felt a lot in common with him in that I would not want the responsibility of children, and I understood that HE didn't want the responsibility of children, and it was really more my mother's idea to have children, so in a way it was---he knew what he wanted but he wasn't permitted to have it.
S: He would like to say something about that. It is not so much the fear of children, but the fear of people. And he did not know how to relate well, to people. And, young ones maybe even more. Nonetheless, you and he have the strongest of bonds, and he is in need of knowing that this connection is acknowledged, and that forgiveness may be granted. If you could find it in your heart. You shall free a personality to go on with his efforts.
B: Yes, I---I
S: You need not answer, but to work with this. You shall help him greatly and allow him to send his own feelings to you, which he would like to do, but he's nervous and tepid [?] to you now. If you will talk to him sometimes in the privacy of your inner spaces, he will be very grateful. You know the two of you are related.
B: Yes, and I've many times known that many of the things of which I'm so proud are had from him. And many things more from him than from my mother, because we're alike in some ways and not alike in others, and in other ways I suppose I'm more like him than I am like my mother, and so I have that gratitude too.
S: You shared incarnations together, by the way.
B: Oh? You mean we were related before?
S: Yes. I'm trying to go back now to receive the information. It's a little foggy, probably because the two of you have not had the sharpest of communications, so let me take a moment here. Oh (smacking her lips) this is very interesting, VERY interesting. There's an ancient culture of Indians---this is the RED Indians, very old---and they built pyramids and what are now called---they laugh at this---mounds. They were hardly MOUNDS, they were giant structures which had been eroded through time. And you and he were father and son and wore great necklaces of beads around the throat, indicating high position. Both very LITHE in body and mind. And the society of the time was directed by a council of able-minded men of the group. Your father was one of the venerated members of the council, very wise; and you too would become a member, as you showed great promise. It was a battling [?] society in the Ohio Valley. And he tells me this is where you actually grew up, so I laugh at the beauty of the need to try to find again the reconnection. Unfortunately, your father was not given the same social acknowledgement: it was heartbreaking to him to not be allowed to fulfill what he wanted from his Being---very frustrating to him. So take that position in the council of elders, and perhaps you can send some of the overflow back to your father. (Pause) Have we spoken about the incarnation that you had in Greece?
B: No.
S: You were an artist, and, as in this life, you were a lover of men. You were not the greatest artist; it was a rather crude artistic ability, but a winning personality. You always got by, you managed somehow. And in those days the work was provided [?], in your case, you would be allowed to live a little on the estates, where you worked at artistry. Rather crude (laughing), I say again, you were hardly the highest artist of the day, but people enjoyed to have you around: you were a storyteller and had a marvelous sense of humor. Also, my friend, as you were not interested in women, they could trust their daughters in your presence, which was of no small matter at that time. Women were valuable, you see. They could be used in marriages when they wanted to annex greater properties, and she could not be damaged. So you were very useful: companion to the young ladies. Well! (Pause) Do you care to ask questions, my friend?
B: Well, a primary concern of mine at this time is the state of my gums. I'm concerned for---
S: Of the teeth?
B: Of the teeth, and the gums, and the bones around the teeth. Because I've been told that I'm losing the bones around the teeth, and that I have to have surgery, which will be expensive and painful and I'm looking for alternatives and there seem to be none.
S: It is as though it is shrinking.
B: Yes. And even though it's shrinking, they want to take away more flesh from the bums, to eliminate the pockets---
S: It is diseased. They must remove the disease: it is a bacterial infection.
B: Yes. It's called plaque. The bacteria live on the plaque that forms in the pockets.
S: Oh, I see, I see.
B: But I was hoping there might be some alternative, or---I feel so---tied up in the body that I can begin to sympathize with people who don't like the maintenance of the body. Because I find even now, when I should brush, brush for fifteen minutes a day, I manage barely five. And I need some kind of breakthrough in a CARING for my teeth over a long period of time.
S: Yes, it is a hard project, to know that it faces you every day of your life. One thing to do it once, another to do it indefinitely.
B: Yes.
S: Well, you are struggling over the weight of that commitment, that hugeness, but I must wonder, since you have said you cared to live till the hundreds of years, you must have realized it would not be that easy, it must be earned! The chance to step through the normal barriers must be earned.
B: I suppose I'd been so lucky so far that I expect the luck to continue, free.
S: Yes, it is not any longer luck, it is now a new level. It is the same time [?] as the man emerges, you see. I'm trying different herbal substances on the gums, I get only partial response. Wild hickory bark is good but it will not reverse the process. I am trying different things.
B: It was suggested that I get my hair analyzed for mineral content, and it seems that THAT would supply information about nutritional needs of imbalances.
S: Yes, I think that vitamins and minerals will strengthen for the future. But I see significant inroads; not as bad, not every spot as bad: there are two or three very bad spots (points to the upper right and left, precisely!).
B: Yes.
S: And it is covered with dark and sticky.
B: Yeah.
S: I can't change it now, though I'm trying. Well, let that go and see what we can do here. We're going to see what we can surgically remove on our own.
B: Is there any way I can help in this, now?
S: With your brightest light, to light the area of the mouth, so that we see where we are going. (Pause) In this case there's no magic. There's work that must be done.
B: It's been very difficult for me to resign myself to that. I've just about gotten there, but it's been very difficult. I---I keep thinking there must be an alternative that isn't so destructive to the tissue, but then, they all assure me that the tissue---
S: Is destroyed.
B: Is destroyed already, and should just be removed, and make the whole thing more healthy.
S: You should definitely take the supplements to help the healing process and make sure no more disease comes. Because when the surgery is done you are quite vulnerable.
B: Yes.
S: You may need to alter the diet too.
B: Do you see any specifics at this time? I know that I'll get some specifics from the mineral analysis.
S: I shall leave it to that, and then when you start, come and we shall work with you. Many vegetables: you have not eaten enough fresh vegetables!
B: Oh, I know, I know.
S: A good 50% of this problem---the health of the gums is the vegetables and fruit. A hundred percent.
B: You're asking me to CHANGE. (Laughs)
S: I'm not ASKING you, I ANSWER you. You asked ME!! (Huge laugh from me)
B: Yes, yes!
S: YOU came for the visit, and I showed up is enough for it. [?]
B: I can't get ahead of you at all. (Laughing constantly)
S: Stay by my side!
B: That's good, that's good. OK; it's been a difficult thing to resign myself to, but---I seem to get---
S: Yes. What about the warm water, too. You know, it needs nice tools. Warm water.
B: Teas? Is that too hot?
S: Not hot, warm, you know, warm to soothe. And you're doing your lightwork feeling, as you hold the water. It feels good. You know, whatever do, do it to feel GOOD.
B: Yes, um, usually there has been discomfort, and I'm not accustomed to discomfort. So it brings it even more to mind.
S: The nerves are poor. It is sticky, you know, we must get this sticky---
B: That's one of the first phases of the treatment, to remove that.
S: You know it will grow, otherwise.
B: Yeah.
S: It spreads; it hurts quite a bit, I can feel. It is an uncomfortable feeling, perhaps we can anesthetize it. But don't you forget it is there for the work if I take away the pain.
B: No, fine.
S: They will save your teeth, however.
B: Well, I was told, thank goodness, I have deep roots and strong teeth, so that is SOME consolation.
S: It is ALL the consolation. Consider, many other people lose---they have holes in their mouth. You actually have it---pretty good.
B: To---to get away from that subject.
S: All right.
B: Amy said that you had some pages that you might like to read---or have you---I think you've done that in PART.
S: Well, today we were guided to the page which talked of other lives, and I want to say something about that, one other thing, which is that you had many violent endings. You drowned once; you were a Mexican girl; your name was Maria; very hot, hot area, and you went into the water. Some---thing pulled you down.
B: In the ocean?
S: It looks like a large lake.
B: Uh-huh.
S: And you were crying for the help, but you were dragged under. (Pause) You were not to have gone into the lake. It has been told earlier in the life, when you were a baby, you would die by water. [End of side one] Now, as Maria, you were told as an infant---the spiritualist of the village read beads and said "This baby will die in water. Keep her away from the lake." So you were a head-strong violent woman, nineteen years of age---
B: Hardly a child.
S: Overprotected, and very angry about that. And you stripped off your clothing and went for a jump in this large lake, and it was to your demise. Rebellion, so, is the moral, can lead to great difficulty.
B: You used the word angry, and that's---if I may---I feel at times, that there is some anger in me that wants to come out, or that has been touched.
S: Yes.
B: And I don't---it's so amorphous I don't know what to do with it. Can you say anything about that?
S: Well, as I can perceive it, it is to do with parental restrictions, being bounded in, through the visions of the parents.
B: I don't sense any remnants of that at this time, I feel---
S: Well, it may go deeper; this is for that young girl.
B: It's funny, I want to ask if there was anything that I was told not to do that I have forgotten or would rebel against.
S: If I may say, it appears to me something to do with the eyes, as though you were told to see the world in a certain way. There's anger with that. To make judgments in a certain manner, and that these perhaps are not of the essence of your own nature, but imposed. And though I feel it in the right eye, as though there's a glass eye, some intruder of an eye. The left eye is your own, the right eye is peculiar. Whose eye is it [?], this eye, that you consider if you should feel a resonance [?] to the question.
B: I just feel---puzzlement---I---I---
S: Good. To share the secret with you, Robert: tonight, I hope to baffle.
B:---OK.
S: Through bafflement, you will have to seek answers in a manner which is a discipline [?]. And you shall have to lift the veils---to find any sensation of answer. Alas, if I lift the veil, it will not be the same; you must creep in under it.
B: I'll see how that sits.
S: So the more we baffle tonight, the more food, the more ENERGY for growth. How about the toes: rub the toes, get them stimulated. (Rub against floor) Trying to get the toes charged, electrically charging. This will help the physical energy of the person [?] with the body in general. I see something in the household which is an electrical generator.
B: Yes, an ion machine, I presume.
S: Yes, it is releasing charged particles. It's a little weak; you could actually, if you're out to DO this project, that one seems a little weak; it is only HALF of what should be---if you're serious.
B: Well, you know, it's interesting, again, just today, I saw an advertisement for something LIKE that that was about a third the price and said to be twice the power.
S: Oh, excellent. (I laugh) Because it's about half you see, of what SHOULD be there. And I would wave my feet in front of it, if I were you. Also the blankets which are bioenergetically charged are good, also. And put them on your feet.
B: I think I asked you before about sleeping under an electric blanket. I don't remember. I remember it was a question, but I don't remember if I asked about the---
S: That is not---just to clarify, I am not speaking about electric blankets---
B: No, I know, you're talking about---
S: VERY good---
B: Bioenergetic---
S: Bioenergetic blanket. Charged blankets. William Reich!
B: Yes, but it reminded me that I still don't have an idea whether an electric blanket is good for the well-being of the body when it's sleeping, or---or neutral.
S: Interesting question. Let me examine here for a moment. As long as it's well-grounded, and not faulty.
B: No, no.
S: With leakages of any type.
B: No, it's safe, in itself. But I just wondered that since Actualism, for instance, seems to be dealing so much with the area AROUND the body, and it seems to deal so much in something similar to charges.
S: Well, you know, interestingly enough, the best item for sleep is down. It is fluffy, and encourages the energy to expand.
B: Well, see, Dennis has some wisdom, because he got a down blanket.
S: It is the best. And the electricity is in very close and it's very concentrated. However, if you feel you must use it to remain warm, I will not argue. It is not majorly wrong. As long as the circuits flow downwards, I would feel all right. The outlet is at the bottom?
B: Yes.
S: All right. It's not marvelous, but neither is the nylon. Nylon fluffy and so on.
B: But down is positively good.
S: Down is excellent, excellent. Yes. The best. And also it is warm.
B: Oh, yes. Now---I've been---
S: It interferes not at all, you see.
B: Uh-huh.
S: Go right ahead.
B: Well, the thing I was drawn immediately to was my---turning point, as it seems, with Actualism, and my perceptions. It seems I'm still fighting Actualism at some level. I'm fighting the mechanisms that they use to convey the truth. And I'm puzzled by this---it seems that I---I can't understand my resistance. It's not that I can't understand---I can understand it, but I can't---I don't know how to deal with it.
S: Well, my dear, this is between you and your teachers. I am not to interfere, and that is VERY strong.
B: OK, thank you.
S: And it is appropriate for you to go through this cycle, and you're not alone. There may BE ways in which the structures are incorrect for you. But you must work this out with the teachers. If there is a natural parting of the ways, in terms of the usefulness of the structures, you and they will come to know. It is not for me, in any case, to interfere.
B: OK, I feel a slight concern about the time; you're going over, is it OK, or---
S: Well I think we shall withdraw: Amy's body is fatiguing and is speaking clearly to us. But it is---
B: We should talk again soon.
S: Ah, I would LOVE to do so. Do go through the first step of the mineral analysis. Perhaps you can find wild blackberry bark---liquid.
B: Wild?
S: Wild blackberry bark.
B: Earlier you said hickory bark? Blackberry bark.
S: Both. Whatever I said was right then, now I have a new substance. Do find them both if you can. In liquid form.
B: And hold it in my mouth?
S: That is all. [?] To the dark spots. And hold the roots and the nerves solidly.
B: OK.
S: All right then, my dear---
B: Thank you.
S: Also, you lived in the jungle once. (I laugh)
B: I love the jungle, I like that.
S: Yes, you lived in the jungle. Well, I will go now.
B: OK, thank you. [End]
ENTERTAINMENT 18
10/25/80
BEST DINNER IN NEW YORK YET: DODIN-BOUFFANT ($113.30)
Andre hadn't been, I'd circled sweetbreads and lamb salad on my list of things to get. Plain light dining room already loud with two parties of 6 to my right and a party of four to my left, empty table of six later got 4. Karen Pritzker delighted Dennis, who just watched her eyes, didn't listen to her, but he was SET on the oysters and radish, a lovely PIECE in which the oysters could have been tender veal and radish a nice condiment, in mustardy sauce, and I leaped at her special of lamb salad, DELICIOUS tender rare meat in a necklace across the plate circling a red parallelogram of red pepper mousse mixed with Bavarian cream with green beans tender and crunchy around, with a bit of pimiento mousse atop them, and the lamb was DELICIOUS in marinade and oil and spice. Bread nice, later replaced by our choice of whole wheat or sourdough, butter to Dennis's warm softness in an impossible-to-ever-empty crock the size of a cream pourer. Party with Eleanor D'Antuono came in, blond VERY elegant till she spilled red wine on the rug and insisted WHITE wine would cover it and LEAVING it would remove stain, and then the white partner needed club soda for a stain on her DRESS. Dennis got the duck recommended for him: very underdone, tasting like fine beef in texture and seasoned meat to taste, with a puff of apple-potato with light dough, surrounded with little white turds of pureed potatoes under strands of dill, and my sweetbreads were the best dish I've ever eaten: the wine sauce INTENSE with fruit and wine, the texture of the meat PERFECTLY UNIFORM and PERFECTLY cooked and PERFECTLY cleaned even though it was presented like a WHOLE GLAND and beautiful, with a preserved morel nestled into the crotch, surmounted with two circles of a plain delicious spinach mousse and an extraordinary morel mousse out of this world. The Sancerre was nice enough for $16, next time try a bit higher. Woman next, talking to Dennis about flowers and the place, recommended the bread pudding with crème anglais which Dennis had, nice and sweet, going well with his strong Espresso, and I had the Grand Marnier-walnut cake, which was light but dry, complemented PERFECTLY by the tea with lemon in a large pot, and I said hello to Eleanor, who raised her hand graciously, and I said "Thank you for many lovely evenings," and her boyfriend, too old, said "Why not thank me too, I'm pretty good." Out in a dazzle of $38+$37+$16=$98.30 (with tax)=$15 tip plus non-charged $8.75 for the taxi and a MEMORABLE evening, I HOPE to be REPEATED Chez Pritzker.
MONDAY, 10/27/80: Note from JO #13 AT J'S (10/20): Jerry Crown's inside already; I check clothes and he compliments me on my red socks and honey-colored boots, saying "Now you look like a MAN!" We sit on the platform that replaced the jukebox and watched the action, the black-vested guy jerking off so nicely at the bar that I join them, and then someone reaches for me and we're in a threesome pawing and playing and two of them come very nicely and I play with their slimy diminishing cocks with great pleasure, and then move toward the backroom where things are gotten off immediately by black-vest spewing tiny drops around the table, and then someone rather plump, with a rather small cock, with nice blue eyes---but his WILLINGNESS is all, gets up and jerks off, coming copiously, and I just miss that impulse, but glance across the table to see the dark-rimmed guy with the cowboy hat coming first watery and then milkily, and that's all I need to shoot my load on to the pool table, being encouraged from both sides, and people handle MY decreasing slimy cock, having given me poppers, and I go back to the bar to talk with the cowboy about his friendship with Joe Gage, who's making his first movie HERE in New York, and the other guy says it's his fantasy to be in it, so it looks like it might happen. Wander off to see some other action, sometimes marred by the VERY old fellow with hair ALL over his body, and when he insists on my feeling his cock after he comes, it turns out to be COLD, which is VERY strange. Then there's lots of looking and liking in the balcony area (the basement is closed, only about 35 people in the whole place), and I play and play, sitting and standing, and watch a few other nice comes and then decide that it's 11 pm and I'm tired enough and probably wouldn't want to come a second time anyway. Some of the standard people aren't there, John's jerking off just as sweatily as ever, and the black-vested fellow goes home early, as does Jerry, and when I leave I'm feeling so happy that I SMILE on the subway when I get a seat, lighting up the whole thing, and I can FEEL the lift the car gets, with everyone starting to talk with each other and not seeming to mind when there's a long delay, but I get home in time to watch "Sneak Preview" at 12:10 AFTER talking to Ken about Amy taking his apartment, and eating something. NICE PLACE!
TUESDAY, 10/28/80: Note from JO #14 AT J's: Paul's friend Ron picked me up at my place in his Renault at 8:50, and he's fairly sexy of face and podgy of body, but still acts out an attractive sex-job at J's, and when I leave he says "Maybe we can get together sometime." Interesting. Only about 10 people there as we enter, again invitation-less, at 9:10, but there's a steady line at the coat check, overseen by a petit cutie in coveralls with a nice ass, and door seems to close promptly at 9:30, after an announcement about the leather and feathers party starting at 11 on Halloween. Jerry's not there, but Michael, the bodybuilder, is, as well as the guy who looks like Fonzie, a doll who looks like the sexy guy in one of the magazines, and a beautiful muscle-builder in fatigue-cap who loves to talk up a storm and play with his relatively small cock below his magnificently titted pectorals and outstanding muscle-bulky abdominals. Ron gets into it slowly, but toward the end he's being eyed by everyone in the crowd, including the muscle-builder and the sexy friend of Arnie's. I watch leather-vest, WITHOUT his vest, playing and jerking, and he puts his arm around me when his local admiration-group dwindles and says "Let's go to the table," at which point I, egged on by him, simply come, leaving it settle into the table while he takes a bit of it and rubs in onto his tit. He winks at me a couple times through the evening, and later comes five times as everyone counts, bright blue eyes ever more brilliant contrasted to the pinkish-red whites when he overdoses on Rush. I share my popper-bottle with lots of them, but it seems to have lost its punch, except once toward the end I get VERY chilled and light-headed trying to come with vest's fourth or fifth time, and John's stroking his cock more teasingly now, and there are other guys who seem to enjoy playing with the head in a state of terminal erection, and LOTS seem to be in the "business" of luring others to come while they merely tease, particularly a sleepy-eyed Italian-type in long-john bottoms and a bulky guy with a LARGE cock. Magazine-type keeps pulling off partners to a dark corner where they sit straddle-legged, face-to-face, nuzzling and jerking for long period of time. I leave at 11:40, feeling that I'm not going to come a second time, feeling vaguely over-spaced on poppers, refusing Ron's (Ron for Right) joint, and John's actually SUCKING cocks.
WEDNESDAY, 10/29/80: Note from EFA MEETING OF 10/23: Scientific copyediting and proofreading assumed at the rate of 6-10 pages/hr. "Bill at $1/page, COMPANY says $6/hr, but we know YOU do 10 pages/hr."
REWRITE could be as time-consuming as 1 page/hr.
Carmony puts total card #, edited card #, line count # on bill.
I give idea, rather than 9:10-9:35; 9:40-9:55, 10:05-12, just 9:10-12 (-15)
Copyeditors figures: assistant editor gives $6/hr, Editor $7/hr, ManagEd $8/hr.
Index play: "What do you pay? Higher than mine: OK. Lower, say others pay higher."
Carmony: ongoing clients---take them to lunch, PAY, ask for raise, GET it.
FTC would SUE EFA for setting minimum wages; only LABOR UNIONS can do that.
CANADA gives $12/hr for proofreading and $15/hr for copyediting!
Van Nostrand pays $5.50/hr for proofreading, $6/hr for copyediting.
Again: the higher up their organization you go, the more money you'll get.
Business records---Carmony files things by PUBLISHER.
I asked how many were audited, and 2, then 3 put up hand in 150 people, average 5 years.
Someone: IRS said: If you change your status drastically, you WILL be audited.
Hear BOTH: If you submit EARLY or AFTER deadline you're audited, or AT, you're audited.
WRITING seems to be busiest September-January.
Journals ALWAYS keep people busy.
CARMONY busy June-September, now August-November.
Legal and business editor NOW gets $12/hr.
Opinion: Professionalism means "Never get too personal."
One copyeditor GETS time and a half for rush jobs.
BARBARA LEA and DENNIS SOUTHERS offered comments about "our indexes," and Charles refused to call on me after the first time, and I had to bull in to tell everyone to be sure to look at a Keogh plan if they want to retire and are currently on a freelance basis.
Dennis said he didn't get much information from the meeting, though it was nice to know that others were griping, like him, about getting paid 4-6 weeks after submitting the bill, which might be 4-6 weeks after you did the WORK, and they really didn't REACT to Barbara's Garland's "get postdated check," saying "That's just for one company." Well, why not ASK others? Well-handled meeting, the panelists were entertaining, but the crowd seemed VERY new to the jobs.
THURSDAY, 10/30/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS SESSION 1, page 1-2 (9/79): I notice that the habit here is to enjoy with gusto eating of the meat, and as I follow that image of you, I see that you have had numerous experiences upon the Earth-plane as a hunter, and that you have in each case enjoyed great status as a hunter, and have been a leader in the band, so to speak, and that you have always appreciated the protein value of the flesh and the marrow, and that you have always enjoyed esteem in association with meat and flesh, and particularly in an Indian experience, where you were GREATLY honored as the primary hunter for the troop. So we see the most common physical experiences trace back into the more subtle and spiritual experiences. There is, you know, a constant interplay of forces from one realm to the next.
FRIDAY, 10/31/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS 2, SESSION 1, page 5: I am looking at your bodies, and am most interested to see. You know, there are prototypes of bodies, and you have a definite prototype, and it is the Aries prototype as upon your forehead there is the mark of Aries. I have never seen this before, and it is most interesting to me. I see the ram's horns upon the forehead of your spirit body, and that is most delightful sight to me, as it speaks of the pure vibration, the CLEAR statement of the impulsive nature of Mankind, and the courage to take action, and the desire and enjoyment of exploration. I must say that in this day I see the quality so rarely, and it is usually so masked behind fear and uncertainty that it is, as I say, a delight and uplifting experience for me to visit it so purely in humans.
"I'm pleased to be a source of delight for you."
Thank you, that is cosmic humor!
SATURDAY, 11/1/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS 3 SESSION 1, page 10: Would you like to hear of different past lives, perhaps, to fill the time?
Oh, well, um, yes.
Yes, very well. You had one life where you were entrusted to guard the fort. Now you guard the fort with a passion, and it was almost an obsession to you, your life lay in guarding the fort. Well, you did a good job, but you kill PEOPLE in the process, you must attend to this quality in this life. You must guard the fort, but USE the human qualities that you have chosen in this life with kindness as well. I know you see that I am speaking of your work and of dealing with people emotionally in the course of your work.
SUNDAY, 11/2/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS, SESSION 2, pages 2-3:
B: I was wondering if there was anything damaging, or anything that should be emphasized in my sexual practices, that you would tell me about.
S: Well, what I had to speak to you about related to the past, and that you are correct in supposing this is not your first experience of homosexuality. You did enjoy it greatly in the Greek time, and did find it, to say the least, satisfactory, and as you incarnated in this century you did have memories that were always quite strong WITH you, and of the enjoyment that many others did have of it as well. The difficulty is, of course, that you are not in an environment that is friendly toward this preference. It is rather hostile.
MONDAY, 11/3/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS, FOR DENNIS, SESSION 2, page 8: (Garlic) will remind him of his own past ... we spoke once of his being a physician in a Slavic environment, and he did use natural remedies as well, and did encounter many peasants who hung garlic. He will smilingly remember, on one level, that he has of course been in houses where garlic is hung by the entryways.
SESSION 3, page 5:
He had a life, by the way, in the circus---your friend Dennis---He was bold; he was acrobatic. That is why he loves the stage so much now.
AMY SESSION 1, page 5, Vol 26: C375: He was an Indian---an Indian from India -- in a previous life, and I see him in a white robes in the later part of his life, so after his wife died---he had always had a very satisfactory life---he went into spiritual work and was greatly impressed by the Bhagavad-Gita and the other scriptures of the ancient Indians. So he has very much that eastern way of looking at things: not so much rush, not so much concentration on the far future, a lot more enjoyment of the pleasures of each day.
AMY SESSION 2, page 3, Col 26: C383 talks of ROLF in two English lives, loving trees.
AMY SESSION 4, page 2, Vol 17A, R213 (Dennis as my Japanese wife: see REINCNTNS 12)
Then she looked farther and said, "In the next life I see him as a doctor, in Yugoslavia, in one of those old villages where the houses are built up on stilts, and they have very black sides, so I guess they're very old, and they don't look very sanitary, either. There was a terrible pestilence, something that started in that village, something that was an animal disease that was passed on to man and caused them to die, but Dennis, even though he had wanted to take on MORE responsibility in his next life, bit off more than he could chew: he really didn't want to go out and treat the sick and dying, he was afraid ... He was afraid of the pestilence, didn't know what to do, and lots of people died and he felt very guilty about it---and I can't say there's a happy ending for it, either, so it's not finished, there's still karma to be worked out, and it's coming up again in this life."
THURSDAY, 11/4/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS 6, SESSION 4, page 1: One of the things was a lifetime in Egypt, when it was mentioned. You were not Egyptian, you were of those SURROUNDING, you looked very Semitic. Sometimes Egyptians don't look SEMITIC, and you looked very Semitic. Prominent nose and so on. You were---MAN---a MAN---very masculine, virile image of a person. Almost---um---legendary, isn't that nice? I have a feeling it goes so far back that it was actually when people sort of chiseled in stone, in the bottom of the caves, this is OLD! And you were sort of written about, as though sort of a legendary figure, but in essence there was a real person there. Chaldean? ... here, and helmet, on the head. Oh---Chaldeans were a very important culture because they had been visited by space beings. My God! That's why they were so in the forefront of civilized.
FRIDAY, 11/5/80: Note from REINCARNATIONS 7, SESSION 4, page 7:
S: You shared incarnations together, by the way [my father and I].
B: Oh? You mean we were related before?
S: Yes. I'm trying to go back now to receive the information. It's a little foggy, probably because the two of you have not had the sharpest of communications, so let me take a moment here. Oh (smacking her lips) this is very interesting, VERY interesting. There's an ancient culture of Indians---this is the RED Indians, very old---and they built pyramids and what are now called---they laugh at this---mounds. They were hardly MOUNDS, they were giant structures which have been eroded through time. And you and he were father and son and wore great necklaces of beads around the throat, indicating high position. Both very LITHE in body and mind. And the society of the time was directed by a council of able-minded men of the group. Your father was one of the venerated members of the council, very wise; and you too would become a member, as you showed great promise. It was a battling [?] society in the Ohio Valley. And he tells me this is where you actually grew up, so I laugh at the beauty of the need to try to find again the reconnection. Unfortunately, your father was not given the same social acknowledgement: it was heartbreaking to him to not be allowed to fulfill what he wanted from his Being---very frustrating to him. So take that position in the council of elders, and perhaps you can send some of the overflow back to your father.