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1991 3 of 6

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19. Wake with a jolt at 5:35, having MISSED 5AM "breakfast" announcement. Dress fast and up to breakfast 5:50-6, cutting down only to CEREAL and FRUIT, as I should have ages ago, though safety-levels of eggs now up from two to THREE a week. Dress quickly in gear and Miles still lies comatose, and I say something as I go out and he wakes. Out and down to Zodiac deck at 6:20 to turn over one of the LAST tags to red, and STEP RIGHT INTO waiting Zodiac, which is GREAT! Wait a bit for 6-7 more people and push off for sun-bright landing point, but no sun past cliffs yet. To right along beach and lay to watch chicks who probably won't survive preening adults who can't eat because they're molting. Some adults appear to HAVE molted, silver-shiny feathers where sun hits them. Gradually aware of lots of dead bodies, too, some with only one bite out, some unscathed. Walked on deck to take last two shots of roll 39 and put in roll 40, and by 8AM I've taken last photo! Go to northern tip of beach and then head east to sunrise along base of cliffs. Also stopped to see Borchgrevink's hut, looking really like NEW, and boathouse to right where Hugh's helping put up a red Emergency Survival station. GREAT penguin groupings, GREAT photos, a GREAT morning! Hugh comes down from hills (we missed a cross and Scott's third hut from 1910-1911) and says most of chicks are too young to survive impending cold---later says 40% of chicks die!---and that there were 750,000 nesting pairs in this LARGEST rookery. Ask if he has a "St. Bernard extra roll of film" and he gives me a Kodak 64 36-slide film! Use it completely by 9AM, on skeletons, "arty" shots of penguins in and out of focus before icebergs in and out of focus, and almost TRIP over a Weddell seal! Try for a touch but he makes a QUICK move that scares me off. Fingered dead bird. Peter asked time at 9:55 and we both start hurrying back for "last Zodiac at 10AM." I'd love LOTS more time. Picture/ picture/picture to shore at 10:10 with Roger and Hugh and Alan and a few others. Peter gets into next-last Zodiac and I change lenses and Greg roars up with LAST Zodiac. Roger and me and one other passenger with Greg and Alan and Hugh and Rod! We zip out to look at a Leopard seal on a floe and I blow my LAST panorama shot on it, hoping to get lots of ice VISIBLE BELOW in amazingly clear water under sunlight. Back to ship (with Captain pacing in impatience, as is said) at 10:30, and I feel great! Then ship starts breaking through pack ice that's blown in completely around it, and I race up to bow on a comment of Miles's and throw myself over side for GREAT view of floes coming up with blue aprons spread around them, then the crush of the bow, THEN the ugly SCRAPE of ice against ship ALL ALONG the side of the hull, so that ice-hardened means the WHOLE bottom, not just the tip, which CAPSIZES some floes and throws up brash ice for decor: a candelabra and two dinner plates placed on a flat table as I watch. GREAT sights and shots, and Maya compliments me for my comments in the recap last night: "All the penguins ran in terror from that helicopter." And Hugh must add that only in ONE MONTH are the molters OUT of the rookery proper and USUALLY they're no closer than 200 meters) and "No movies on time." Two or three others before and since have praised me, including the Italian, the ecologist old lady, and the plaid-slacks Explorer Club buffoon. Finish a roll of film THERE as I'd started in with panorama of Cape Adare and the newly-opened Lido Deck far on the fantail. Then down to take my wet clothes off at 11:30 when they announce WHALES off the bridge! DOZENS break the water, racing ahead, and three and four plumes go up at once. Some turn in GROUPS of 4-5 as if on a cartwheel, and others go away as others cut across. Some insist they're orcas AND minkes. THIS goes on, with BRILLIANT icebergs and arches and colors, until 12:30 when everyone's STARVED for lunch, and they have VENISON, and I ask Michael if this is a good time for champagne and he gets his bottle! Farewell toast to Antarctica! GOOD venison and meal (and cute Erik) and then to now-closed Lido Deck to chat with Greg before Margaret nestles into him for warmth. I stare at lovely mountains and clouds as we speed north. Go to bridge and ask when we cross the Antarctic Convergence and find water temperature of 1EC, so we already HAVE crossed it at 70E30'! On stern for Antarctica vanishing until 2:30, then talk to Maine woman and Lady Mary Downer! To Hugh Logan's lecture on New Zealand program at 3. In October-December they fly down to land on the sea-ice. It takes C-130s 7.5 hours from Christchurch to McMurdo. I ask if density-measures for penguins are exact and he answers "Yes, but it's better to count them directly." Both whales and penguins are way down in numbers recently. Ozone degradation takes place in EXTREME COLD by CFCs. New Zealand's Antarctic Research Program costs about $5.7 million NZ dollars per year. Cape Royds penguin population was DOWN 15% this year! Now, TWO-million-year-old leaves found on Antarctica! NO one's CALLED for Antarctic Treaty review, but Environmental Protocol MAY be added. NO notions of taking MEASURES of south-movement of Antarctic CONVERGENCE for global WARMING. At PRESENT, an INFORMAL MORATORIUM on Antarctic mining. For WHALING there IS an International Whaling Commission. FISHERIES group is in Hobart. MAY be over-fishing near South Georgia. 70E24'S, sea-water is 1EC, we PASSED Antarctic Convergence. Read in EB that Convergence "WAS between 50E and 60ES, so could THIS be a record of global warming---and it does NOT, Encyclopedia Britannica says, change SEASONALLY very much. I read EB until 5:30, then decide I need to lay down. Don't sleep, and up at 7:30 for dinner at round "woman's" table because Michael and Delores were talking to the Bells and dined with them. Leave at 9 and go up to Dolphin Lounge for silent film from 1935 from 9:30 to 10:05, then down to find Miles OUT. I'd had EROTIC thoughts about Tony while waiting for film to start at 9:30, so I decided to jerk off. Undress and get into bathrobe and lock door (then lock it "again," unlocking it, I find to my horror at the end) and lie on floor to TRY to get very erotic, but I'm out of practice and stimulus (and boat is rocking) so I merely get to edge and TRY to play, but just release pressure with HUGE jets over my left shoulder into wet lumps on my undershirt that I placed beneath my head. Wipe off and brush my teeth and get to bed at 10:40 JUST as Miles opens the door and enters. Sleep quickly.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20. Miles wakes me by pulling aside the curtains at 7:05. Lay a bit and get up to breakfast at 8, laying out shirt and pants for laundry and taking this to fill in today. Cereal and fruit again with Alice and white- haired photographer and write some, then get to 10AM Greg Mortimer talk on mining in Antarctica. Mineral ASSUMPTION based on Antarctica as KEYSTONE of Gondwanaland, and mineral belts of Africa and Australia EXTENDING THROUGH Antarctica! LESS than 2% ice-free land, and all THAT is now BIOLOGY-intensive! Chilean rift separates mineral-rich north Andes from mineral-poor south Andes. EXCEPT for coal and iron, "No known economically viable minerals in Antarctica." Coal in Transantarctic range and Prince Charles Mountains is of LOW QUALITY, high sulfur, and would NOT be mined if it were ELSEWHERE! Hematite of Prince Charles Mountains is 60% iron, which would be mined if it were near Perth. In 1973 Glomar Challenger (pure science?) found methane and ethane under Ross Ice Shelf---finding 1/2 billion gallons of oil and trillions of cubic feet of natural gas. Another bored hole at Marble Point, where we dropped the helicopter, uncovered natural gas. I jot down Greg's saying that the Antarctic map has been "Right royally rammed down your throats." Liz says that in April, 1991, in Madrid, US MAY back a 50-year moratorium on mining. Hugh: UN debate emerged in last ten years. "Antarctic Treaty" nations want IT stronger, with WEAK LINK to the United Nations. At 10:20AM we were watching a short film which was STOPPED by seven short, one long siren, repeated twice. THEN there was Captain Aye's voice, "Don't move from seats," and it was a drill for the CREW! Great! Thanks for telling us! Greg's talk goes to 10:50, we continue to talk to 11:15, when I dash to cabin to watch semi-professional "Cheetah" by Mitsuake to 12. Up to write more, then lasagna lunch after salty ham and asparagus appetizers, with Lars and Erik exchanging sexy men-talk. Get Kodak roll to repay Hugh from Michael, and write MORE of this before getting a Bonine from Delores because seas are getting higher and barometer is DROPPING. Joan Hudson (picked up her poem and some maps today) thanks me for asking about showing of "Cheetah." EVERYONE'S thanking me! Even rougher after lunch, noting "large iceberg" and last ice-chunks at 2PM, berg at 2:30, and lots of brash at 2:50, at 3, at 3:50, and at 4:20. Finish journal to date at 2:53PM, and go to CENTER seat in the Lounge (Peg had asked for the NICE music to be turned lower and they turn it OFF) for Gurney's talk on Sledging NOW. Pee (asparagus odor covering the smell of stale semen) in the oh-so-convenient public john (this AM on 4, later on 7, now on 5). Amundsen's hut, 9 men, small hut, floated away on Ross Ice Shelf. They even had a SAUNA in an ice cave! I noted to copy the food list, but Gurney gave me a copy of it the next day. Cherry-Garrard's TEETH cracked in the cold! Cherry-Garrard's "Worst Journey in the World," is CLASSIC per Gurney. His talk ends at 3:35. Dennis adds that at Indian bases they're NOW using mining EXPLOSIVES. Australia uses CONSTRUCTION explosives, even though ANY land or air inspection may be done with only a 24-hour notice. Then I go to bridge to watch the seas building AGAIN, though we're still on maximum impulse, and at 4:30 I go to "Antarctic Pioneers," parts of which we've seen before, to 5, and then think to read Rama II but CAN'T get into it, though I THINK watching the increasing seas didn't make me WORSE. At 5:30 go to cabin to lie down, having taken a Bonine at 5. Doze till 7:20 and get to dining room feeling increasingly poorly, and Delores's bright observation that "At 7:15 I really thought I was gonna puke, but I took a Bonine and feel fine now." Having seen Michael with a Fosters a noon, red wine at cocktails and lunch and dinner, and various other drinks, I think he tolerates seasickness and Delores with ALCOHOL. Snails in garlic butter VERY hot with dry bread, filet VERY good with pasty potatoes, and I could only eat the ice cream from my crepe suzette flambee not flaming before excusing myself. Delores said that David and the Japanese woman left right after me. I got to cabin JUST before the awful flood of saliva and got CLOSE to upchucking for the first time, but DIDN'T at 8:30. At 9 Delores, bless her, knocks at my door to give me two MORE Bonine, one of which I TAKE just as insurance. Lay and doze and check my watch at the DOT of 12 (set ahead one hour today) just before Miles shuts the lights off from his captain's-table dinner.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21. Up at 6 to pee, then at 7:30 when Miles bustles off to breakfast. I look at schedule and see Room 404 is to tour the galley at 10, take his offered Meclozyne at 7:30 (taken all ELSE and they don't work, so TRY this, and he has LOTS of them to spare---he's STOPPED using the patch). Even though Bell is sitting at the "talk" table, I sit and listen to Peg and Naida and Roger and Barbara go on about the feminist movement and even touch gay liberation. I eat quietly, only saying "All wonder if Shakespeare was anti-Semitic when he wrote "Merchant of Venice," but I never heard anyone wonder if he was megalomaniacal just because he wrote about so many megalomaniacs! Out at 9 to catch this up to date at 9:11, noting that days 1/5-27 (23 days) took more than 92 (23x4) pages, and the 25 days since took MORE than 100 pages (to 205 now), but by end of 38 days, THIS book should end at at LEAST page 252 (100+38x4). Actually READ 9:20-9:55, then to galley tour: 160 passengers and about 100 crew; 20% of crockery broken, but US requirements for CLEANNESS in CORNERS will probably prohibit EDGES being put on tables. ALWAYS same rotation of menus, leftovers given to CREW. Over at 10:20 and up for Dennis's sheet and talk on Captain Cook to 11:30. Up to bridge to find 25 knot headwind and Nav. (Navigational?) Full for 12-knot speed at 11:45. At 8AM, sheet said AVERAGE for last 4 hours was 8 knots, but rumor said we'd gone down to 2 knots at night in high seas. Campbell NOW scheduled from noon to 6PM on February 23: station visit, Zodiac cruising, guests on board, shop in station. Only pass 62ES at 11:56AM. Continue reading, then to lunch and have TWO mushroom appetizers and soup and ham salad and gnocchi and rice pudding with NICE chocolate sauce, and a beer! Continue reading, then to 2PM meeting of Australians re Mawson's Hut, at which the talk goes ON and ON to 3, and is followed by Keith's "Sincerity in Art is ESSENTIAL." Titanium white oil STAYS pure white. His style is RATHER "paint by color" nature studies. To 4:05PM, and I'm TIRED again! Then Delores tells me I asked for special showing of "Cheetah" at 4PM, which Cecilia announces and Peter puts on at 4:15, so I stay and watch it until 5:10, when I think he's going down to put OTHER film on Channel 30, but it's black and I lay weakly, hearing Miles come in and out, then shit gluily and take another of his pills with about 4000 mg vitamin C, as my right nostril seems to be running! Up to dinner for coq au vin, STILL not feeling fit enough for wine, but feel so good that I propose Trivial Pursuit with Delores and Michael. We play till 9:30, when I go to "South With Shackleton" till 10, then finish the game, winning, at 11:15. Down to room and surprised to see Miles IN bed. Take more vitamin C and get to bed with lots of tissues to wipe my dripping nose.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22. Miles wakes me by pulling the curtains aside at 7:20, and I get up and SHOWER, first time in 3-4 days, feeling OK even though the ship is gyrating. To breakfast to the "talk table" (this morning's talk about reality and plays and Shakespeare and acting and believability) till 9:05. Up to finish text of "Rama II," and as I pee (took 4 grams vitamin C and a COLD pill at 8AM) they announce Hugh at 10:30 in Frontier Lounge, replacing Dennis at 3 in Dolphin Lounge. Notes on sheet: Campbell Island, found in 1810, has "introduced" sitka spruce and Auckland Island, found in 1806, has Rata tree from New Zealand. Both are wet, windy, and cold. Five people at Campbell Island Meteorological Station. Auckland has only temporary people, penguins, and gravesite of Flora McDonald, who helped Bonnie Prince Charlie. Sheep are gone on Campbell, which has wandering and royal albatrosses and mollimauks. To get to the Albatrosses, walk a three-hour route. Auckland has bellbirds, rails, ducks, fur seals and Hooker sea lions, is 25 km long, and has rabbits and cattle on Enderby Island, pigs on Auckland, and sheep and goats remaining. Smaller island is a STRICT nature reserve with NO landing. Bad weather is likely, so be weatherproof. Enderby: "Beautiful walk around island," and has rare yellow-eyed penguin. "Arrival between 7AM and 7PM." Over at 11:15 and talk to Michael (returning New Zealand book they lent me last night, begging off a larger guide until I get MY New Zealand addresses out), and Delores about COMING ALONG with them two days to Milford Sound (2/26-27), 2 days to Mount Cook (2/28, 3/1) and Christchurch (3/2), then THEY fly to Auckland and LA on 3/3, and I can go to Rotarua (3/3-4?) and Auckland (3/5) for MY flight. Then at 11:45, as I finish "Rama II" completely, Miles loses his balance as the ship lurches, he falls toward three women in chairs, twists to avoid them, catches his foot at the edge of a chair, and falls full-length on the floor, hitting his wrist (he says) on the wall panel with a sound that EVERYONE in Frontier Lounge GASPED at, certain that he'd hit his HEAD. His friends are very solicitous and the doctor's wife gets the doctor. He lies on the floor a bit, face totally WHITE, and then is taken down to the room. There he tells his sequence, and insists he's OK. Friend's wife says she'll bring soup for lunch, Miles hays he's felt a bit seasick since night BEFORE last's aquavit with the radio operator. I ask if he wants visiting, but his color's back and he says he feels fine. I get notebook and chat with doctor's wife: WORST trouble is BURNS from crew, and one waiter needing 5-6 stitches in a cut finger. LAST trip had a woman fall and need 2-3 stitches in her head, BUT they worry MOST about an old passenger breaking his/her HIP getting on and off the ZODIACS. But Miles seems fine now. Guy from two previous trips talks of "the Low that followed them two days into Fiji, 40 miles from the eye of a hurricane, and 150 mph winds knocked out windows of five passengers' suites at the end of THAT voyage . Seems a low is following us from the SOUTH for two days already, while the captain seems DETERMINED to get us to Campbell in daylight tomorrow. Only time will tell, as Mike says we may be in "between 7AM and 7PM" tomorrow. Down to lunch at 12:30. Deer stew! 1:30PM, at 11 knots, thus 11 hours to go, from bridge, but very bumpy even at nine knots. Also news of Lan Chile crash out of Punta Arenas with Society Expedition Cruises onboard! At 56S60'S. But then, as we watch, speed inches to 9 knots and we're on Navigational Full! Listen to Mike and Hugh and Dennis and Captain PLAN the next two days (provided we GET there on time against WIND), which sound wonderful. Down at 3PM to Gurney on "The Mechanical Age." He GIVES me copy of foods! 11/29/29: 16 hours to fly to South Pole by Richard Byrd. He was monoxide poisoned by his wireless generator, NOT his cooking stove! 1/1947, maybe 600 men IN ALL in Antarctica. US's Operation Highjump put 4000 men on continent. Antarctic Treaty is RESULT of IGY. To 3:45, to BED! Not "Big" but "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" comes on the TV he left ON at 5, and I can actually watch most of it lying down. He's feeling fine and we laugh at the manipulativeness of the movie. That's to 7. I take more pills and get down to SIDE table because there's a party at our corner. Cecilia says I talk to Hotel Manager for copy of all menus. Out and to bridge to find we're making medium progress in rough seas, then up to Dolphin Lounge at 9:30 where they'd said it would be "Foothold in Antarctica," which we'd seen already, and on comes "Siege of the South" from 9:30-11! Watch it, good narration by photographer Hanley, and then to bed at 11:20.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23. Wake at 6:30 to pee, nose dripping, and now at 7:35 to bridge to see 29.4 km to go and making 13 knots! I'm ONLY person on bridge at this moment and can only say "Great, Great, Great!" Down to breakfast and talk to Peg and others, saying TOMORROW at 7:40AM I tell them about my book. Back up to bridge and THERE'S the island, first land in four days, and lovely light and shade as rainstorm passes diagonally in front of us, while cloud above island visible BEHIND gray, our windows dashed with rain. Captain hales Campbell and hears of 10 knot wind from northwest and 9EC and scattered showers for "Good day on Campbell." Enter harbor at 10 and drop anchor at 10:30! Fabulous! At 9 down for cameras. Look at map and MOUNTAIN on left is 1867 meters, island is 600 meters high, and La Botte looks about 100 meters high. At 6752 tons and 111 meters long, Frontier Spirit is BIGGEST passenger ship in Campbell Island. SEALS leaping TOTALLY out of water! Drop anchor at 11AM. Lunch 11:30-12:30, first group off at 12:30. Looks WARM. Hugh and Mike and Erik and Brad go off with Lars to dock BEFORE we anchor. LOVELY day!! Dress, lunch with Delores while Michael saves place in line, and STAFF goes back first, then Japanese who've never LANDED here before, THEN at 12:25 our boat. We're in Hugh's group going uphill, and he takes off ahead of David ahead of me. I'm tired at top at 1:30, but elated at view and dots of albatrosses on hill. Look at what Erik's doing and decide not to crowd him, so up to a crooning trio, then a double, then a single, leaving my bag behind, but when it starts to get DARK for RAIN I dash about looking for it, finding it MUCH closer to video than I'd expected. Dressed JUST as it pours, but it stops soon, yet now it's 2:30 and time to start down. Lovely drama and grandeur to photo till 3:30. Zodiac returns me to ship to hear of 4PM cruise. To room to change out of sweater, onto boat at 4 to cruise inlet and LOTS of birds and seals and sea lions and diving birds, but I'm getting tired and COLD and HAVE a cold, and get back at 5:20 and shower deeply and to drink at 6:05PM. Have two Apricot Sours and talk to David, but when he leaves I'm quite alone. No recap to speak of, but rain cloud following us out of Campbell Bay impresses Margaret and me. Dinner is a fantasy of rolling-vessel, spuming waves, and diving albatrosses in shafts of light from setting sun and slanting showers. So great that AFTER dinner I even get camera and shoot out window to 9PM. Then up to Dolphin to watch spray onto all front windows, but no 9:30 movie there. Down at 10 and Miles isn't in by time I sleep at 11.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24. Wake at 6:30 to noise in hall and hear Mike's voice. Put on bathrobe (oh, washed clothes last night and dyed all white underwear RED from long johns!) and look at vacant hall and won't open door to Officer's Quarters. Up at 7:20 and to dining room at 7:35 for Peg and Al at 7:45, and I tell them my novel. Up at 8:30 to Dolphin for lesser waves, and down to bridge at 8:45 to find we're still at 51ES and due at Auckland Island at 4PM. THEN hear from maid that at 4AM Mike's WINDOW was blown in, essentially room 400, as room 404's window had been blown in (so THAT'S why the loads of caulking!) on the PREVIOUS voyage. Brush teeth and get out "Foucault's Pendulum" to start AND New Zealand addresses, and to Lounge at 10:30 for Hugh's talk on Auckland Islands. Bartenders, of course, MUST put out GLASSES on the bar JUST at the time Hugh's talking! He talks to 11:10 as I take the following notes: We're aiming for Port Ross and Sandy Bay on southern coast of Enderby Island, which is 5.5 times bigger than Campbell Island at 40 km long and 27 km wide. Cliffs on WEST (we approach from east). Sealing DECIMATED species: to HELL with the future. Tradewind, 50-passenger NZ excursion boat, spends 3-4 days at each of Campbell and Auckland Islands. Sandy Bay at Enderby has Hooker sea lions and yellow-eyed penguins. I give my card to Maya's friend from Fiji for resort's mailing list. Move from Lounge for Captain's Party for officers, and start reading Foucault's Pendulum. Aye is 55 today, so he's 34 days older than me. Read till lunch, MANY birds flying outside windows. To bridge, seeing island draw near with a GREAT lack of enthusiasm. Announce Zodiacs at 3 as we land at 2:30. "Wet landing" announced as I go to cabin at 2:40 to dress. Deck 6 and 5 goes first, but we're off about 3:20, not bad. Sandy Bay beach is LOADED with fur seals, and I take pictures and then go "right" along coast. Great HIDDEN pockets of seals that rear suddenly BEHIND me, and great drama of calf that can't find a mothering tit to suckle. Dennis points out a yellow-eyed penguin pair to Liz and I photo them, chasing a third into the picture. Back along kelp-colorful coast to a seal POOL where they MUST be fed, why else would they poke out with such APPEAL on their faces? Then blue rabbits fascinate, and the colorful parrots, burrowing birds, and dull-green songbirds lure me into the lichen-rich twelve-foot forest of TOTAL ENCHANTMENT with its crown of red-flowering rata trees. I pee and the birds come TO me and sing and poke and I'm TOTALLY captivated. Shoot all film and reluctantly back to beach at 7:10, looking back at all the laggards, then look at PINK lichen in rock-surf cave, and yellow and white and light green lichens, and trees of colors and birds and LOVE the place down to its limpets. Back to boat at 7:30 and miss talk by helicoptered-in staff that's leaving tomorrow. Dinner for Captain's birthday at 7:45, good food, and Michael and I order THREE bottles of wine and I get to bed at 10, after cherries jubilee, QUITE drunk.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25. Wake at 7:40 and get edged OUT of round table, eating with SWISS at "corner table," ugh! Then to bridge and find we're HEADING for Snares Islands and they announce arrival and circumnavigation at 10AM. I get film from Michael and take three shots of rainy islands from distance. Feel a BIT ill from motion and take a pill at 8 and another at 12. Oh, four SHIPS on the starboard horizon this MORNING. Distribute LAST of my pills, lunch with MY champagne till 1:30,and I pack parka, boots and raincoat in bag and figure I can get the REST in the suitcase and ONE backpack/handbag. GREAT! Up to Dolphin-- rocking wildly---at 2 for Mike's talk on the Lindblad-hired Soviet Icebreaker. Ah, it's a PLOY for upcoming trips! Antarctica 10% of land mass; Arctic Ocean has 10% of waters. Migration into "new world" moves at ten miles/generation. Trans Arctic trips have no appeal at all for me. Talk to 2:50. Dennis in Dolphin at 3 on Environmental Defense Fund (EDF), based on Long Island. He goes to 3:45 and then Lars seems to have control over tapes, and he says he'll put "Total Recall" onto Channel 42 for me. I get set in room at 3:54, easy to make dark with the WINDOW permanently screwed closed! I've been counting the meals down from 8 (now 2) and the days from the start---now about 16 HOURS left on ship, and I feel it's REALLY about time! "Total Recall" VERY full of killing in UGLY ways, stopped at 5PM to let me pee and ending at 6, when I go to bridge to find WHY ship is rocking and find winds of 56-57 knots, Beaufort 11, above Storm to Violent Storm with Precipitous waves! Making about six knots and someone says we can't DOCK in over 35 knots of wind! Put on silk shirt and get camera for final dinner! Few good shots of waves on deck to 6:45, then down to room to find that Florence, in 402, has fallen and bloodied her nose. Free champagne and canapes while Mike introduces staff and we go to dinner of steak AGAIN. Over at 8:30 and sit till auction starts at 9:30 and bed at 10, TIRED.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26. Miles is UP at 4:20AM! I'm up at 5:30, pack, breakfast 6:15-6:30, luggage in hall, passports and customs, off at 8AM in threat of drizzle, taxi from Invercargill arrives at 8:25. Pack in and leave FIRST at 8:30. Invercargill at 9, plans and maps to 9:30, Museum after we wander town and get back at 10, tuataras three, exhibits, leave at 11:15. Lunch and north to Milford at 6PM. Photos and diner and watch tide and bed around 10PM.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27. Wake at 4AM for moon, then at 7:10AM for breakfast at 7:30. Boat tour 9:30-11:30, then they're on helicopter while I have a sandwich lunch around the corner, and Delores and I on the helicopter 2:35-3:30 for Gunn Lake and chasm and third- or fourth-highest Sutherland Falls. Back out to viewpoint, watch tides, early dinner, early bed.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28. 7:30 breakfast, pack and into car 8:30 and south to Te Anau for gas at 11AM, average speed going from 60 kph to 75 kph at 12:30 at lunch in Queensland. Keep driving and get to Mount Cook at 5PM. $208 NZ for room! Great view of Cook. Down the walk to neighboring stores. Dinner prix fixe at $33 in Alpine Room at 6:15-7, then out toward Kea Point for photos to 8:45, when it's dark. Back to jerk off in lovely way.

FRIDAY, MARCH 1. Jerk off in morning, to breakfast at 8AM, negotiate for helicopter at 10:30. Mistake-filled drive to arrive at 10:25 and fly 10:35-11:27. Drive to Tasman Glacier walk-start at 12:15. I go AROUND Glacier Lakes and back at 2:15 and waterfall, no photos. To Hotel at 2:25 and up to tanks and Viewpoint and down by 2:45 to see Room 705 from ship check in! To Hooker Glacier road by 3, bridge by 3:15, second bridge 3:40, to stream by 4, and lake by 4:35. Blocked by stream from going to base of glacier. Back 4:40-6:10, tired; I say "NO" to Kea Point. South to hotel to take shoes off and get vodka tonic in lounge 6:30-8:30, for dinner in Panorama Room to 10:40, talking to Lady Mary, who tells us that GEORGE and NEIL are the duo from Room 705. Then to room and TV for music videos to 11:20 and bed, moon high.

SATURDAY, MARCH 2. Wake at 7:10 for GREAT pink Mount Cook, then lay to 7:35 and watch TV; pack and write a quick summary of the last few days from 2/26 to now, and sit watching News 8-8:22AM: Saddam asking for sanctuary in Algeria! Looks like war IS over. Catch up on this summary at LEAST to 8:23 and go to knock on their door. They're SLOW and want breakfast HERE. 34 days in this book, at least in summary, for scheduled 136 pages, so I'm 12 behind. The two-passenger helicopter was so roller-coastery that this six-passenger helicopter seemed almost fixed-wing tame save for actually landing on Murchison Glacier. Started counting final days about eight to go, now QUITE aware of five to go and the increasing prominence of the coming TWO days of 3/5. But I seem little-concerned about flight, good since NERVE pills are in SUITCASE still in car. Delores says I should come to Christchurch AIRPORT with them SUNDAY to fly to Rotarua. But I've not phoned John Ward yet! Watched kea promenading room-balcony railing in front of Mount Cook, good photo if you feed them, which I don't since "Kea View" on way to Lake Damon. Cut toenails this morning, feet sore from last night and my SOLES are peeling! They're late for breakfast but the gals bring my hot chocolate and toast while I enjoy SENSATIONAL dried bananas, that taste like they're related to figs! I'm tired, though the kick of the suspension bridges and the rushing waters showed I was still awake. Trying NOT to think of paying bills, checking for indexes, calling friends, and settling back into NYC, though I DO retire my EAB Visa card as FULL and get my Crosslands out, though it expires 3/91. And just DON'T feel like writing, so put this away and sit on PORCH at 9:37AM to wait for their knock. Long drive to Christchurch, confusing drive to hotel, check in and then out to Christchurch Museum till closing, then out to the next-door botanical gardens where I take these notes: It IS ti or Cabbage tree all over: Cordyline Australis, family Liliaceae. Agavaceae family YUCCA is Phormium. "Swamp grass is cortaderia or toe-toe. Down-pointing hard saw-tooth is Pseudopanax ferox, Aralia family, "toothed lancewood." ONLY PHOTO "Erica Verticillata"---it's HEATHER! And photo Erica and Dahlia "Color Spectacle" and "Sunset Glow" and "Pink Jubilee" and "Ballet Girl" and unknown BORDER. KATY: It was so good (3D kiwi film) it could have been made in America. Delores: Snout spray in my parka pocket. Katy MEANS and Tony take us to the Sign of the Takahe, incredible place and dinner with Tony, Mary Downer, Katy (Catherine) means, and Michael and Delores and me taking place of three others who canceled at the last minute due to some business with a wedding party. Venison and duck pate, bacon and potato soup, and pork in mustard sauce before Crepe Suchard for dessert. Brandy to start and endless white and red wine for a $130 wine bill that Michael gave $50 US and I $20 US for. Home at 12:20AM stuffed and exhausted.

SUNDAY, MARCH 3. Wake at 7 and see rain outside and laze to 8 and jerk off with smooth baby lotion, chair, and mirror, then shower and brush teeth and knock at 10 to find they leave at 11:30. Breakfast 10:40 to 11:15 and up to final packing and get stuff to car. Off at 11:35 to airport at 12 and I get a Mt. Cook Air ticket for $172, off at 1:40, stop in Wellington, and arrive in Rotarua at 4:50PM. Into first class lounge with them at 12:30 and sit to 1:25, and down to hear the plane didn't arrive yet! I hope I hear wrong when someone uses the word "Hurricane!" Write this to 1:40, wishing I'd taken the time to ferret out a nerve pill. Oh, mentioned settling our accounts with Michael and he said I should consider them SQUARE due to the $800 I paid at Milford. But 1/3 of $1500 is $500, and 30 rolls of $6 film is $180, which is what NZ $300 IS, so I get the car AND gas free! LOTS of people in airport, including two Maoris in a blue and a brown skirt! THEIR flight to Auckland is full, boarding already. I board at 1:55 and seat IS just behind right wing, as stated. Twin-prop Hawker-Siddley 748. Still cloudy. Maybe shorter time in Wellington? Loud music! 44 seats, 4 across, about 30 on board. Off at 2:15 and into clouds, bumping up, bumping through, a tiny snack I can barely eat, cursing my tenseness in a flight MUCH smoother than two-passenger helicopter! Seat fasten sign comes on after twenty minutes and stays on though it does at LEAST break over channel, and a good series of shots of Wellington in bright sunlight. Land at 3:10, just 55 minutes, and stroll lazily into terminal, past sexy guys who MAY be security cops, and flight is called! Board 3:25, they're obviously going to make up for lost time. Sit partnerless again, hot in sweater in 70S Wellington. I figure that 6-passenger helicopter ride as #13 of trip, so I finished 14, start 15, and have 18 in all! Nice bits of blue sky over Wellington, geyser in harbor. Maybe 25 people aboard. Loud music (notice name of Guy Maddux from Washington!). One hour to Rotarua, off at 3:40. Houses are built RIGHT to edge of airport in Wellington. Land at 4:52, clear MOST of way and beautiful. Fantasize John MEETING me at airport! 16SC = 61SF. [No notes from rest of day:] to Eaton Hall, sort through handouts, walk to lake to photograph birds and vents and clouds and local steamy bubblers, then back to check through Maori shows, they DON'T have one tonight at the Hyatt across the road, and buy a ticket for the Travelodge show. Wander town more, in for the disappointing show with a couple of cute guys, then keep the Chinese restaurant open until after 10PM while having a good meal. Back next door to sleep.

MONDAY, MARCH 4. Settle pants on the telephone. Incredible: MAY have to MOVE from Room #1 and DON'T. Shuttle from airport yesterday took me directly to Eaton Hall when NZ Tourist office was closed at 5PM. People on bus say weather was AWFUL for the past WEEK here! Today GLORIOUS by 9AM. Then DON'T get John Ward until 9:30PM last night---out of town! No pants! He gives me Tom Clougher's name. Phone him. He's BRINGING pants to Rotarua TODAY!!! He'd been taking them to John Ward's TODAY as he took two visitors from Montreal on a tour to the SOUTH. No, no room for me, AND they're not returning to Rotarua tonight. From all being poor and undecided, it turns out all GREAT today, and even the TOURBUS will take me from Rotarua to Auckland tomorrow! Buy tour ticket and take the AM tour. Notes from tour: Mile-long RIDGE pushed UP forty feet in earthquake 3000 years ago. Next valley SLUMPED hundreds of feet 100,000 years ago. WOW! 6/10/1886 Mt. Tarawara blew up! Now 22 craters in a 16-kilometer path that buried four villages, two of them TOTALLY. 147 Maori, 5 whites, and one English tourist from Scotland. Off at Whakarewarewa at 12:40PM, leave at 5PM on Intercity Tour Bus with driver who DIDN'T return me to Rotarua this morning. Buy three films, photo gardens, the "Aussie" park, and back to Eaton at 6:15 and decide to GO to Hyatt Maori show IF they have it. At 6:20 they say they do, and I'm seated at 7, good buffet dinner to 8:20, show to 9:20, then back to hotel to brush teeth and sort and count films and bed at 10:30PM, taking one set of pills and one tranquilizer.

TUESDAY, MARCH 5 #1. Wake at 4:30 to pee, take second tranquilizer. Wake at 5 and lay and think and mope to 6:15, then catch up with this by 6:30, only FORTY hours to GO! Take third tranquilizer. Shower, eat at 8:15 after phoning InterCity and being told ONLY pickup time is 8:15! Food is HARD going down. Phone for 9:10 taxi that comes at 9:15 for $4 including 20-cent tip. Ask for "Auckland" and told "Platform 2." Take bags off there and get others out, prepared to write. Agent says "Auckland at 10:40?" I say, "No, 9:30." "THAT'S the bus, then," he says, pointing to WAITOMO TOURS at Platform 4. I lug bags and he says "Get tags." I go inside and say "Two Auckland tags," and she starts fussing with COMPUTER! Finally she says "10:30," and I say "TAGS!" "Oh, take them from the stack." Tagged my two bags and on at 9:27, doing this by 9:29, hot enough to remove sweater. Sit, emotionally drained, at 9:33, waiting for departure under increasingly cloudy skies. Tickets collected by 9:39, told to "stay on same bus right through." Stop in Puriora Fire exhibit (not much but Kokaho information brochure) from 11-11:15. Stop in a dreadful place called Merrovale for Lilliput Village (real disaster), which lasts too long from 12:15 to 1:10. Clear with first driver's log that I want off at South Auckland. Sky increasingly gray as I get increasingly blue. 60S in cave. Tomorrow I'm home. Try NOT counting hours/meals/etc. To Glowworm Caves which are GREAT from 1:15 to 2 for tour, bus leaves at 2:30. They accept a Visa card for $5.45! Stop 2:40-3 at Waitomo Orchard Fruit Stand, photo kiwi fruit, eat sample apple (no big deal---does that mean I have to return to New Zealand?), and SUN comes out! CASH $20US for $32.15 at Bank of New Zealand at 3:55 and buy an egg salad sandwich in the bus station for $1.50, the only thing that appealed for lunch in Hamilton, leaving at 4:15. Next stop: South Auckland! I really DO belabor my THOUGHTS on the way. Tried (in vain) lightwork, distraction, and becoming absorbed in what's passing. Get to South Auckland at 5:40 and there's ONE taxi that a woman gets, but when I ask her if she's going to the airport, the DRIVER says I should come along. He goes along road CLEARLY marked "No access to airport," at the end of which is a sign indicating "Airport." I get in at 6PM, giving him $15 when the METER says $15 and HE says $14. He's probably double-charging (or wants to fuck) her. It's been VERY hot for the last week, he says, and today is COOLER. Great, as I'm sweating in my flannel shirt! Get cart and get on line amid SCREAMING kids, and she IGNORES my 30.1 kg luggage, just putting a "predamaged" tag on my suitcase, saying "The strap should hold it." She confirms $16 departure tax, and from $32.25 - 16 I have $16.25. Get two fifty-cent pieces from bar for phone to John Foot, who's HOME and had been wondering if I would call, and he hadn't heard from Don by 6:30PM. I spend sixty cents on call and $16 on tax and have 50, 10, and 5-cent coins left! Films OUT for x-ray, mixing all up, after paying $27NZ with Visa for Grand Marnier (only 70 deciliters?), and have to dig for passport at security gate. In ASTOUNDED to find it's 7PM ALREADY and 8:20 departure plane. Oh, clerk ALLOWED five-minute leeway over REQUIRED "no thru baggage" on my 7:05 hour layover in Los Angeles, so I don't have to get them in Honolulu AND Los Angeles. She says I should "show tags to company agents at LA gate," whatever THAT means! Then juggle handbag, and by letting it OPEN I can put in booze AND my sweater, putting it ALL into one container! THAT takes to 7:10, and finishing this takes to 7:20, so there's only AN HOUR TO GO. How EAGER I am to just SLEEP! Couple of LOUD kids! GOD, can't they have ADULT flights? Is THAT what first class is? Literally ONLY 28 passengers in lounge at 7:25! Take next set of notes in back of "Foucault's Pendulum:" Return flight: first call to board at 7:55. Getting dark. Board in FULL row at 8:02, the screaming kids in the middle, one row ahead of me. THEN I get a whole four-seat row and stewardess's sympathy about my upcoming long flights! BUT at 8:20 we're still sitting. Dark out. Move at 8:25. 7:50 flying time. But at 8:30 we're still parked. Move at 8:35 with ROARING sound beneath the middle of the plane, the first time I SIT here! 8:40 "cleared for departure" and take off. Flight to 4:30AM, 6:30 local time. I take sleeping pill at 8:50, lay, but NOT asleep at 9:15, so I ask for vodka-tonic and get TWO of them! Drink them and I'm INSTANTLY out to sleep at 9:20PM.

TUESDAY, MARCH 5 #2. Then LIGHTS go on at 3:15, so I had SIX hours' sleep! I set watch to 4:15AM of the second day of Tuesday, March 5, because of crossing the International Dateline. Then I record my dream in the notebook: "Canada Kavikani," and I wonder if she's not Kavafy's daughter? I'm AT Don Maloof's house (is this PRECISE?) and he's almost totally gutted the insides for a redecorating job, which he tends to do every 3-4 months. I look at ONE particular area beside the living room (I seem to KNOW the apartment) and say, "I didn't even know you had a ROOM here; what was it FOR?" And in his characteristic manner, Don smiles and really doesn't answer me. There are LOTS of workmen milling about, many of whom seem to be FAMOUS, but I can't quite identify them. Then he calls everyone to go eat, and he begins to have some of the traits of Jim Henson in that small areas of the room have been given over to miniature scenes (inspired by Merrovale yesterday?) in which tiny puppets are operated from below to have them "living and working" in their little scenes: farmers, mechanics, factory workers, beauticians, etc. I'm concerned that all these OPERATORS (albeit hired) are working below and not EATING. Then, behind a kind of fence or railing, there's a gathering of old women who are either society figures or retired publicists. One old woman is caring for an even OLDER woman (isn't Don's mother very old?) who keeps SWOONING into a heap on the floor. "I think she's only faking it," I say rather snidely to no one in particular, then am embarrassed that she seems to have HEARD me and she glares at me. I look at ALL the absences, ALL the workers, and ALL the space, and I despair of ever catching up with all of it. Someone like the Danish cook (which I realize even in the DREAM had been played by Jim Henson, who's now dead) has been preparing special breakfasts (like Chris at Eaton Hall?) and hands me one, saying, "This is for Canada Kavakani" (is it a coincidence that the last name has the multiple consonant-vowel pairs of all the Maori street and place names I'd been reading on the tour yesterday?), and though I get him to repeat the name TWICE, I still have no good idea who to give it to (and NOW it dawns on me that this is BREAKFAST, which they wake us to HAND OUT) when I wake up, feeling REALLY like I've had a FULL night's sleep (a RECORD for me on a plane?) thanks to Rolf's pill AND four seats to sleep in (though I DO remember waking ONCE to feel the plane bumping), but ONLY compare it as INSIGNIFICANT as compared to the BOAT'S contortions---a real psychological WIN). Even the TAKEOFF was great: in a MIDDLE seat I really couldn't SEE where we were going, and it felt like we really WEREN'T gaining speed for the takeoff, NOR did I particularly react when I looked UP and the 3 x 30 foot ceiling module in the center that contained the seat belt-smoking signs, lights and air vents, and overhead racks on both sides, started to UNDULATE back and forth as the plane apparently FISHTAILED into its takeoff. I watched rows of Auckland lights through windows five seats away on either side and felt, not oddly, DISCONNECTED from the takeoff. Even as we mounted to the first layer of clouds, lit in bright startling flashes by the wing-lights, drawing the rapt attention of people sitting on my right---lightning flashes? engines burning?---I felt my DISTANCE from the windows as a BUFFER to my emotions. Maybe my night and ocean flights SHOULD be in center seats? Then after five minutes of ascent, through another bumpy cloud, the No Smoking lights went off and the stewardesses bounded up the aisles, so I pushed all seatbelts but the CENTER (SAME slot) and strapped myself in, blanket below and blanket above, managed to make enough room for my left arm without cutting off circulation, lay FLAT on my stomach (SUCH a luxury) and despite a light in FRONT of me, I did lightwork, tried (and didn't) to conjure up the mympths while counting backward from 100, and dropped off somewhere in the 20s. GREAT! Write this to 6AM (set watch two hours ahead), (and turned it twelve hours back TWICE, so this SHOULD be 6AM on the FIFTH the second time) and feel GREAT, not even watching a Continental AD for travel they're running for ten minutes---saying it was a "news clip" according to the woman in front of me, (since I couldn't understand the announcement) and had TWO ham-on-croissant sandwiches and two orange juices with my pills from last night (since I hadn't eaten anything but an egg salad sandwich at 4PM and two vodka-tonics at 9:20PM---and didn't feel particularly hungry, to my amazement and pleasure) and tea, and NOW it's 6:05, landing in 40 minutes, but there's NO sign of dawn-light through the distant windows YET. May MOVE to a free left window if there IS one, for the Hawaii landing. What a GREAT way to FLY! 69S in Honolulu, 180 miles south of it, it's 5:07 local time, will be on the ground at 5:40AM---no WONDER it's still dark out. Fill out customs form. No Smoking sign on at 5:20, nothing visible outside. Lights, then land at 5:40, next flight at 8AM, all bags through customs. Off at 5:50, passport easy at 5:55, but they want $1 to use a baggage cart. I retort, "Great service," to which she snottily replied, "You're back in the US, my friend." Yeah! Wait for bags and write this at 6:02, with 24-6=18 hours to home! First in (as my luggage was) last off? Both bags off at once, NO inspection, and when bags are put on SECOND belt I ask "Are these going to the same place?" "No," she says with a smile, "these are going to Newark." I tell her the history of the 7:05 hours delay. "No, these will go through to Newark, no problem." ANOTHER solution by vanish! Get directed to a shuttle bus for three different flights, and they say that I'm to go to gate 24 when I check that it's really at gate 25. Lose another Actualism pen here somewhere. Have two kids screaming from the corner, so I move down across from a sexy pair of jeans. Then a father carries his crying kid to a seat DIRECTLY behind me and I move over ANOTHER row, watching the sky get red in the east at 6:35, the Muzak in the lounge not QUITE as loud as it was in the shuttle that forced me to put in my earplugs. What looks like a possible set of members for a bodybuilder's convention comes past, one looking like Peter Martini with his bowl-cut blond hair, and ANOTHER father, this time black, takes HIS son to the window where I'm sitting. What a BLESSING it'll be to be back in childless Brooklyn Heights! There's an Air Marshall Islands plane on the tarmac. I guess I COULD feel like 6:15AM on a Tuesday? A number of guys STILL in Australian/New Zealand shorts; they must be STOPPING in LA! With no CALL from Don, either he FORGOT or he'll BE at the airport! 144 pages written in 36 days: four in January plus 28 in February plus four in March, so I'm ALMOST up to schedule! Departing jet catches rising-sun glint on its underside. Truly, THAT eight-hour flight was one of the EASIEST EVER! COULD past-life regressions have helped? Now, TRULY, by tomorrow at this time I'll be home. Guy in SHORT shorts and a BLAZER looks ODD, like he forgot his pants and wears only his boxer shorts. Clouds bright pink at 6:55AM. Now, with relief, MORE US accents than various down-under twangs. MORE people in lounge at 7AM than in Auckland. Kid wears a Guam jacket, and I think smugly, "I've been there." Sun's up at 7:05AM. 7:14: Boarding in five minutes. Board at 7:25, kids on first. JAMMED plane: thank goodness it's LIGHT and I have a window. Chat with people who flew 22 hours England-Auckland and will fly 25 hours back via Honolulu-LA- Houston because RTW is cheaper than two trips. I tell them how to sleep, if plane is only partly full, since they were tired from not sleeping. Get out camera at 7:50 while people behind talk about "basically over" Iraqi War. Move at 8:03. 4 hours and 18 minutes! INCREDIBLE! Set watch two hours ahead, to 10:10. Then in at 2:18, 8:12 to wait in LA? Off at 10:20, CIRCLING Oahu under BRIGHT morning sun, and then pass over cloud-covered Molokai, steel hut-roofs indistinguishable from whitecaps. Decent "lunch" of French toast, one sausage, blueberry muffin, fruit, and tea, then just over brilliant white clouds strewn over bright blue sea. "Home Alone" is a movie I'll watch, Roberts Blossom's estranged father MAKING it, and an iron in the face is WORSE than a popgun in the crotch! Movie from 12:55 to 1:40, when they announce forty minutes to landing, making it four hours EVEN, SURELY a record. Bounce during movie and I alternately curse, pray, and do lightwork, sending out Deva ahead to SMOOTH way, but I'm getting worn down, happy though I am over 4-hour flight. High bumpy clouds undoubtedly caused by heavy jet traffic. Fly over barren Avalon at 2, rocky California coast ahead, and loop WAY south over Long Beach airport, cuts of Santa Monica Freeway large and brown, and HUGE freeways being built, which I PHOTO (as WELL as eastern part of Oahu where the Carpenters lived), and a strange peninsula, but NOT center city. Land at 2:38, 4:18 to the minute, but 40 minutes EARLY. Look at gate: no Don. Then people say no one but PASSENGERS come in here. Then to ENTRY point, but NO one there. Try baggage claim and no Don. Ask and wait and try office, which PAGES at 3:15, 3:30, and 4PM. No Don. Call information and get Woodland Hills number and a woman's message, that I tell: 1) contact baggage claim, then later 2) phone the office. To ticketing and information, no Don. Call DENNIS and NYC information on Don's NYC number, no information. Read "Foucault's Pendulum." Solicitous people say I can sit, use phone, do I need help? Some SEXY guys picking up luggage. Getting TIRED at 7, so leave and only snack bar open at Continental. "Try Delta." "Only McDonald's and Burger King." "I said I wanted to EAT." FINALLY someone suggests The Theme, which is the flying-saucer building that I photo after I leave 7:15-8:45 dinner of Chicken Oriental and a bottle of Mateus for $33 including tip for surly service. SO many planes taking off and landing that I'm SURE the airports' NEIGHBORS are most sure of airplane safety. Walk to Continental area and have to be SHOWN monitor that says flight 12 is on time at 10:20PM. No one in lounge except a surly Hawaiian worker who ignores my killing glances but has to listen to flight attendant who arrives finally at 9:15 and verifies my Tina-gotten 10A wonderful seat. Took tranquilizer ALONG with night-pills at 8PM, and I THINK I might be able to sleep through MOST of the dark over-USA flight and wake up at 6AM faint light over New Jersey ALMOST back to schedule, provided I didn't ever-alcohol myself with the WHOLE bottle of Mateus. This page, page 248, COMPLETES March 5, and my sweater seems to be OK too. Lots of people (including some in SHORTS) check in by 9:25, so we probably have a FULL redeye, but at least SO far no squally KIDS. Sweat- smelling Latino in a tapered broad-shouldered silk suit saunters sexily near my chair. Don't I WISH. NOW at 9:30 it's 12:30 NYC time and I only have SIX hours of trip to GO, thumb SORE from writing, and turn the page to 249, which MIGHT be the LAST, or at least the PROPER first of March 6! Announcement of Airbus 300 ARRIVING at 9:45, boarding at 10:10, delay due to strong headwinds from Newark on A300 Airbus, meaning strong TAIL winds for US? Now 9:30PM, ALMOST HOME. Special announcement for Manila and Honolulu passengers on flight 12. Last notes in back of "Foucault's Pendulum." LAX-EWR: At 10PM the 10:20 departure changes to 10:10. First announcement for kids. Board 10:30, STEAL cushion and blanket from another seat to fill my empty one, and there are 2-4-2 seats, announcement saying it'll be a fast but BUMPY flight because of winds! Great! My 10A seat, WAY in front of wing, is broken, so I get 17A, ON wing, good for bumps, AND my classy female neighbor moves to a VACANT center THREE, so at least I have TWO for myself. Get water and salve my nose. VERY small seats, and I'm SURE the guy ahead has tipped his seat BACK. Real panic-hassle to find my Vaseline! Start moving at 10:45PM.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6. Land at 6:15AM, after not that much sleep, but the flight went fairly fast anyway, Rolf saying that the sleeping pill is ALSO partly a TRANQUILIZER. The left jet is THROBBING during taxi, and WHAT was wrong with seats 10A and B? Read my book, get my luggage, taxi home, and relieved to find that everything looks OK. Make the list of telephone calls described on page 2 from previous notes, and THAT'S THE END OF A FANTASTIC TRIP!


SAT,JAN.5: 4:10PM flight to Los Angeles; poor Continental food. 7:25PM to Hawaii.
SUN,JAN.6: 12:35AM flight to Auckland; sleeping pill works!
MON,JAN.7: Date-line day-loss; 8:45AM land in Auckland. See Australia 12:15PM. Jerry, Bill, and Kevin drive me home: lunch at 2; tea at 4; buy tours; dine in.
TUE,JAN.8: Plan, cash money, walk central Melbourne with Kevin, dine in.
WED,JAN.9: Ocean Road tour, lunch at Apollo Bay Hotel;dine Trocadero Cafe/Colac.
THU,JAN.10: Zoo all day: kangaroos, butterflies, echidna, wombat, koala, monkeys, HOT
FRI,JAN.11: Queen's Gardens, Museum and restaurant, "Venetian Twins" at Arts.
SAT,JAN.12: Visit Geelong, Wildlife Exhibit, Ballarat, Gold Museum, Gardens GOOD
SUN,JAN.13: Coonara Lodge lunch in Blue Mountains, tea, TV and "Tucker" on VCR.
MON,JAN.14: Victoria Museum, "Good Loaf" lunch, Flagstaff, Fitzroy, Conservatory.
TUE,JAN.15: Old Jail/Performing Arts Museum/"Wizard of Oz" matinee/Hungry Jacks lunch/buy Ballard book/walk Melbourne/home to another great dinner as usual.
WED,JAN.16: Fly Melbourne/Adelaide/Alice Springs during eclipse: Whitegum Motel & Royal Flying Doctors /PanoramaGuth/AnzacHill/BillyGoatHill/OverlanderSteakhouseDn
THU,JAN.17: ImparjaTV/NoelFullerton'sCamelRanch/Mt.Ebenezer/Mt.Conners/Yulara/
IraqiWarStart/TentsUp/Dreamtime/OlgaViewpoint/KatajudaLookout/Cookout dinner.
FRI,JAN.18: Climb Ayers Rock! Motitjulu & Makutu souvenirs & flight-see Olgas and Ayers, Curtin Springs, to Kings Canyon Campground for dinner and talks.
SAT,JAN.19: Kings Canyon walk and swim; rabbit satay at Blivey's, bacon&egg at Jim's Place, bus back to Alice Springs and wander almost-deserted town streets.
SUN,JAN.20: Aborigine Settlement just north of Tropic of Capricorn;eat Witchety Grub;Snake-DreamingCorroboree; Alice Museum; fly back to Melbourne and home.
MON,JAN.21: Blue Dandenong Tour with Puffing Billy/Gumnut Village/Fergusson's Winery lunch; Healesville zoo and lyrebird! Treat three to Florentino's dinner.
TUE,JAN.22: Fly 50 minutes to Sydney, stay in Stockade. Tour HydePark/Circular Quay lunch/Harbor Tour/Botanical Gardens/Bennelong Restaurant dinner and Sydney Opera House for "Clemenza di Tito," great Paul Dyer harpsichord; bus to hotel.
WED,JAN.23: City Tour:Kirrigilli/buyFujiFilm/Dee Why Beach/Manley Oceanarium & shows/Jet-Cat/Explorer Bus:Mrs.Maquarie'sChair/ArtMuseum/Claudine's dinner/rain
"Little Night Music" with Joy Vogelgesang and "On the Beach" climax on steps.
THU,JAN.24: ExplorerBus:PowerhouseMuseum/CityTour/TorongaZooFerry; dine at Mozart Cafe at Sydney Opera House before "Mikado" and home by bus very tired.
FRI,JAN.25: Canberra via Mittagong "Old Bank Cafe" and HighCourt lunch. Tour Parliament Building, Embassies, War Memorial, Mt.Ainslie, dine in Wienerwald in Gordbaum, climb Merino sheep exhibit; ignore pressure to be gay on Friday nite!
SAT,JAN.26: Blue Mountain Tour to Windsor/Aerial Skyway/Inclined Railway/lunch. Featherdale Zoo for Koalas,Quakkas,Wombats,walkWAY around Sydney: Rocks/Darling Harbor/AquariumUnderwatr dine in Don Restaurant for fireworks & laser show&bus.
SUN,JAN.27: Morning Tour of Sydney, lunch on revolving tower, fly to Melbourne, dine at the Sharkhouse in St.Kilda's via Fitzroy Road, good sunset;finishBook1.
MON,JAN 28: Phone Jock. To Spencer St. Station, RoadCat to Lorumburra lunch, to Port Welshpool for SeaCat, using Scopolamine, bus Launceston to Hobart &Jock's.
TUE,JAN.29: Jock drives:shottower/BirneyIsland/Captain Cook's landing and home to photo albums, drinks, guests, "Nasi Goreng" dinner, and Lara and Matt&sleep.
WED,JAN.30: Jock to Tasman Arch/Devil's Kitchen/Remarkable Cave/Port Arthur for packed lunch/drive Mt.Wellington:rainbow, Margi's dinner of lasagna and wine.
THU,JAN.31: Watch sunrise. Bus to Queenstown, stay in Commercial Hotel, visit InformationOffice/GalleyMuseum/MineTour. Empire Hotel dinner and wine;jerk-off.
FRI,FEB.1: Hobart via Derwent Bridge and Tarraleah Chalet, HobartMuseum,Theatre Royale, treat them to great dinner at Mure's Upper Deck with 3 wines for $200.
SAT,FEB.2: Matt buys rainsuit and sunglasses for me, to Sheraton/St.David'sCath /Booksellers/Chemists/BotanicalGardens; Tasmanian Atlantic Salmon at Jock's.Bed
SUN,FEB.3: Gazebo Breakfast, tour:PenitentiaryChapel/Runnymede for Tea/Bonorong for Tasmanian Devils and albino kangaroo! Board Frontier Spirit; Jock on to say I stole his pen, meet Miles Murphy My Roommate, dinner and photos of Taroona.
MON,FEB.4: Frontier Lounge for tea with Cecilia and others, huge breakfast, talk by Dennis Puleston. Seasick; Mortimer and Gurney talks; no dinner tonite.
TUE,FEB.5: Morning tea, lesser breakfast, library, talks, Delores's Bonines.
WED,FEB.6: Windy, albatrosses, talks, Zodiac-cruise Macquarie Island, tea, dinner, and late-night showing of Franz Lazi's "World Park Antarctica." Bed.
THU,FEB.7: Macquarie Island: King penguins, elephant seals, Gentoos, Royals, both nesting and courting; tricky Zodiac boardings, "Solo: Voyage to the Ice."
FRI,FEB.8: Macquarie Island tour of overlook and ANARE base, great photos and penguin behavior and tussock grass; so tired I DON'T go on deck for AURORA!
SAT,FEB.9: Watch videos taken, see "Shackleton's Expedition 1914-1916," Monteath, Puleston, and Gurney talks; dinner amid crashing dishes from kitchen.
SUN,FEB.10: Many talks during day; storms that wash Dolphin Lounge's windows with waves, see "Voyage to the White Volcano," and collapse into bed at 10:30!
MON,FEB.11: Cross Antarctic Circle! See Sturge Island in Balleny Group! Phone Hobart to find I left flannel trousers there. Cross Antarctic Convergence at 10AM, see "Wild South - Under the Ice," and more lectures. Travel with MP&DF!!
TUE,FEB.12: Stop in high seas and headwinds. Control Room tour. "Lost day." See "Secret Place - Byrd's Antarctica" and "Home of the Blizzard." GREAT food!
WED,FEB.13: Mt.Minto and Cape Adare of Antarctica! More talks, "Frozen Assets," Iwago's "Whales." Collapse into bed at 12:30AM, still light outside.
THU,FEB.14: Land at Terra Nova Italian Base. Great rocks, glaciers, vistas, penguin, Zodiac cruise, and dinner while doing laundry at last downstairs.
FRI,FEB.15: 77E50' South as Captain closed bridge outside McMurdo Sound; photo Emperor Penguin furthest south! Great New Zealand Scott Base, frozen climb up Observation Hill with wind-chill at 30E below zero; hot shower;NorwegiansTalk.
SAT,FEB.16: McMurdo Base tour, Scott Hut at Hut Point, lone penguin; then Scott Hut at Greenpeace Base and second Emperor; then Cape Royds for Shackleton's hut and Adelie rookery and penguins, sunset seals, packice blocking in Zodiacs!
SUN,FEB.17: Page through Stein "Der Grosse Kultur Fahrplan;" fascinating Ross Ice Shelf and height-contest; more talks and TV movies and food and sleep.
MON,FEB.18: Cape Hallet Champagne-Zodiac cruise around iceberg, after walking on icefloe; attempt first landing on Possession Island with no depth-soundings!
TUE,FEB.19: Incredible morning at Cape Adare, Adelies, Borchgrevink's hut, lots of photos; leopard seal on icefloe; packice under bow; whales and orcas; 1stJO.
WED,FEB.20: "Cheetah" by Iwago; lots of talks, almost vomit beforeCrepesSuzett!
THU,FEB.21: Galley tour;food;library books; watch "South with Shackleton;"Cold!
FRI,FEB.22: Finish "Rama II;" Miles falls; deer stew for lunch; Society Expeditions plane crashes at Punta Arenas, see "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and "Seige of the South." Keep taking seasick pills and feeling seasick! OverNow!
SAT,FEB.23: Campbell Island: porpoising seals! albatrosses nesting! Great green vistas! departing rainfalls! Fantastic photos from dining room of sunsetClouds!
SUN,FEB.24: 4AM Mike's window blown in! Auckland Island: Hooker fur seals; 4 yellow-eyed penguins; blue rabbits; pool-swimming seals; rata/bird/woodFANTASY!
MON,FEB.25: Circumnavigate Snares Islands; request "Total Recall," free champagne and canapes at Captain's farewell dinner; start packing and leaving!
TUE,FEB.26: Dock at Bluff at 7AM, taxi to Invercargill at 9; tuataras in museum till 11, drive to Milford Sound and great photos and hotel and tides &Mountains!
WED,FEB.27: Milford Boat Tour; helicopter tour of Sutherland Falls; tides;dine.
THU,FEB.28: Drive to Mt.Cook; fabulous dinner in Alpine Room; Kea Point photos.
FRI,MAR.1: Mt.Cook helicopter tour; walk Tasman Glacier; Glacier Lakes; Hooker Glacier paths and bridges; dinner in Panorama Room talking to Lady Mary Downer.
SAT,MAR.2: End of Gulf War on TV; long drive to Christchurch, Museum visit, and Botanical Gardens, cocktails at Mary's and Sign of the Takahe with Tony, FREE!
SUN,MAR.3: Mt.Cook Air to Wellington and Rotarua; check into Eaton Hall, wander town and lake and tiny steamvents; Travelodge Maori show; ChineseRestaurantDin.
MON,MAR.4: Get pants today! AM Marengu tour and PM Whakarewarewa stay; Hyatt Maori show and dinner much better; start parking at last for return trip toNYC.
TUE,MAR.5#1: Tranquilizers; Waitomo Caves/MerrovaleLilliput/Auckland airportFLY
TUE,MAR.5#2: Hawaii 5:40AM, watch "Home Alone" to LA at 2:38PM, dine at The Theme Restaurant, take off at 10:45PM, taking last of sleeping pills withdrink.
WED,MAR.6: Land in NYC at 6:15AM, phone lots of people, END OF FANTASTIC TRIP!
3/20/91: 12:55PM: Two and a half months away from the computer, and perform one of the LAST "catch-up-from-the-trip" tasks of plugging in the computer-plug! Still lots of things to catch up with: 1) Met subscription renewal and Bolshoi ticket-ordering, 2) Stack of exhibits and movies to see, 3) Stack of videotapes to watch, 4) Stack of New Yorkers to thumb through, 5) Stack of letters to answer, 6) Stack of indexes to do. But at least I FEEL good, have Tony back (even though I had to put him off this afternoon), am BACK at the gym---and in fact, I really have to go NOW to be back at 2:30 to deposit Mom's check for $9000 before 3 to get to Moskowitz for x-rays at 3 and get back here for MORE!

3/25/91: 7:55AM: Having gone to bed at 11PM, I lay at 7AM and STILL feel tired, and set the alarm so I'll not drift off past 8AM for my periodontist's appointment at 8:45AM, and think and think and think: 1) Actualism: it seems I concentrate on the FINANCIAL and INTRASOCIAL aspects of it to the EXCLUSION of the POWER and the FUN of it. Debate phoning Barbara for a HAND Session, since I seem to be so worried about my increasing arthritis. And talk to Valda and Bernice and Mary to find just HOW BAD the financial situation is. Am I throwing my (A) donations down a drain? The PRACTICE side leads me to the ultimate dichotomy: IS the earth "just what it is," with nothing unknown, no afterlife, and no mystical powers, OR the is the earth foaming with unknowns, which the privileged few CAN manipulate, like time and space and healing and knowing? I'd LIKE to believe the second, and respect my viewpoint that ACTING as if it were true might even CREATE the truth of it, but I SO much find it EASIER (in the sense of LAZIER) to believe the first, since it IS as it IS, and nothing in the line of MY energy is going to CHANGE it or IMPROVE it, and THAT's just throwing my (B) energies down a drain? 2) Trip-brochure storage: and I find that I could throw away the TOP shelf of empty RING-BINDERS, but then I think of how I COULD use them: a) for writing, b) for stamps. But those expand in the popcorn effect into full-blown areas of thought: 3) Writing: and WOULDN'T it be wonderful to get ALL the old notebooks into COMPUTER-READY form, but that wouldn't be in NOTEBOOKS, or even in my current Accopress-type binders, but in the COMPUTER-PAPER Accopress-type binders, which I have to BUY. So I should just throw out the ring-binders, even on the "haven't used them in two years [or, for that matter, in TEN years!]" basis. 4) Stamps, and it flows unexpectedly into my mind that I could hinge all the "useless" Trucial States' stamps onto COMPUTER paper in computer-binders: since they ARE worthless, it doesn't MATTER if they're hinged or not, and they'd then be ON DISPLAY, but the question arises "On display for WHOM??" I don't SHOW my stamps to anyone, so they're ONLY on display for ME. Do I get any good out of them? Well, they ARE fun to sort and organize, and I DO feel good when they ARE sorted and organized---but I keep butting up against the ultimate: but what GOOD does that do?? a) During my lifetime, it's just more "stuff to occupy my time," but I immediately retort, "but it'd be better if I occupied my time with WRITING and getting it published." b) After my lifetime, it's not GOOD for anything because it won't be SALEABLE and no one will CONTINUE it (and it doesn't even make any difference to ME if Paul just HAPPENS to be interested enough in my "bequest" that he WOULD continue it. So AGAIN it would be better just to STOP fussing with stamps unless I really FEEL like it, and I surely don't want to put any MORE into the ring-binders because the few that I NOW use are so TEDIOUS to keep in shape as I thumb through them. 5) Note-typing, which I've left go since the trip, just keeps piling up, and I'm SURE I'll have trouble reading the dream-scrawls from WEEKS ago, so I SHOULD consider that SOME kind of priority. 6) Catching up: glance at the PREVIOUS, 3/20, list, and find that first) the subscription renewal is simply in the "bills" stack and there might not BE a Bolshoi Opera season this year, second) I've gone to AN exhibit and A movie, and the others on my list will be around for AT LEAST a week more, third) the stack of videotapes is STILL enormous, but there's no HURRY on them, fourth) the New Yorkers, at least, are finished, fifth) Stack of letters is still to be done, and sixth) the pressure of the indexes is off with THREE just about finished. But I've got to ADD the pressures now: 1) replacing the bathroom carpet, 2) getting a 10-second phone-tape, 3) reducing the "do-it-now" stack, 4) getting a SHORT slide-show together. At least I've kept up with all the dental appointments (the third today in a 7x24 hour period), read the xeroxed Lem "Eden," and totally dispersed the mail stack, though I MUST 5) make room in the desk-file for CURRENT stuff, and 6) calculate my 1990 Keogh contribution. And now it's 8:20 and I guess I'll have to finish this typing WITHOUT getting to the ultimate question: NO, here it is: what IS the priority, in general, now, and it MUST be writing, but only AFTER I get all the things from the trip left over, INCLUDING 7) typing up the trip-journal. But then there are the LISTS to be kept up: 8) catching up the woefully-behind Videotape listings, 9) the Movie List for this year, 10) the Restaurant list has to be restarted. So there's lots of "little" catchups to do before the journal-typing, and THEN I can get to writing. Sound familiar? It's the OLD "do everything you WANT and maybe you won't have TIME to get to the IMPORTANT things!" syndrome. Anyway, get this page printed and get OUT to periodontist!

3/25/91: 3/11/91 NOTES from Museum of Natural History "Antarctica Today" lecture by Kenneth A. Chambers, who Anne said gave his WORST lecture of the three tonight. Minke is the SMALLEST baleen whale. Fur seals: 300,000 hairs/ Elephant seals are the LARGEST pinnepeds. Gentoos have the white eyebrows. The cries of recognition are given in what he calls ECSTASY DISPLAYS, which sound GREAT!

3/25/91: 3/13/91 notes from NY ASI Chapter meeting from 6:35-8:10PM, 45 of us, many from Wilson, and I sit next to newly-arrived (November) Joseph Casey from Ireland & Wilson. Cindex was planned in 1984 and out in 1986, talk by British Frances Lennie, who references "Indexing, Art of." Index is simplest and most reliable information processing system.
1. Identify and locate relevant information.
2. Distinguish substantial discussion versus passing mention.
3. Analyze concepts to produce headings.
4. Direct the user through cross-references.
5. Group together references to the same topic (subentries).
6. Organize entries systematically (i.e. alphabetically).
Supporting software: WordPerfect 4/5, Wordstar, Xywriter, Extended ?, Interleaf and Pagemaker, and supports AAP, APC, and Ventura codings.
B. METHODS: 1) Cards by chapter, 2) Cards in order, 3) My way.
C. IDEAL COMPUTER INDEXING PROGRAM [increased productivity by 30%-40%], leaves the "interesting bits" for the indexer and "the boring stuff" for the computer. 1. Minimizes typing [key-common phrases; duplicating entries]
2. Provides immediate review in finished form (in the order entered OR in instantly alphabetical form. "No need to mark the book."???
3. Provides instant lookup of entries (under headings). Type first few characters and computer instantly displays it.
4. Facilitates editing (editing instantly alphaed; search and replace; change pagination; index from non-final pages; Cref check; orphan sub)
5. Provides flexible formatting (of subentries and see alsos)
6. Exchanges records with databases ["portable" format]
7. Manages cumulations (even to "custom" books; variable chapters)
D. CINDEX (on Toshiba 3100; blip: forgot to PAIR CARDS; ENSURE well-formed text
1. dBase: slow, not variable-length; only 100-character sort-keys.
2. C programmed Cindex: a) sort instantly, b) simple-to-use, c) Command (not menu)-driven.
3. Future: a) in-text embedding and extraction, b) user-interfaced "Help" and "Windows."
4. Commands
b) for indexes: ADD/DELETE/EDIT/LIST/PRINT/SORT/SUBSTITUTE/SHOW and VERIFY cross-references in delimited ways.

3/25/91: 3/15/91 notes on Steinway Pianos tour with Spartacus 9AM to 1PM, really too long!Founded 1853, lumberyard on 4th (Park) Avenue. To 400 acres of marshland when Park Avenue RR built. Building #5 added in 1957. 3500/year built here, 1500/year built in Hamburg, which started in 1880. ONE competitor makes over 300,000/year! PAID for Paderewski's tour ONLY. All EUROPE finishes with polyester, US uses five layers of lacquer. First NYC concert hall was Steinway Hall. Concert Grand sells for $57,200. It out-appreciates Mercedes-Benz at 20% per year. Consoles discontinued in 1988. Baldwin, Sohmer, Charles Walter are the only other three US piano-makers. Steinway #300,000 in White House, and #500,000 was SPECIAL. Tours started eight months ago. ONLY mahogany and walnut HAS "fiddleback." Mahogany VENEER and sitka spruce for domed belly or soundboard. Dowels used. Red string for dampers. S=Small, M=Medium, L=Large, B=Very Large, D=Doggone big. Felt is a mixture of wools. Only rosewood used in tiny insert in only buckskin. Hammers are GRADED in size, with purple felt in the centers. Benches made here for 3 years, the other company out of business. They work 7:20-4:20, 48 weeks/year. 370 workers and 100 office workers for about 470 people. Key is spruce, "ivory" is ivorest, maple and birch used in action, and black is PLASTIC. I'm missing the MIDDLE of the two action-pieces. A piano out of tune hastens damage to the soundboard and bridge and other WOOD parts. Piano should be tuned "at least" twice a year. Swedish steel springs.

3/26/91: Went to sleep at 1AM idly thinking when I would be 50 years old (3/30/86) + 50 months (5/30/90) + 50 weeks (7/15/91) + 50 days (9/3/91) + 50 hours (9/5/91) + 50 minutes (about 2PM on 9/5/91) OLD!

4/18/91: Having done many indexes, gotten out $10,500+ in billing, I began to catch up with videotapes, and watching "The Dark Angel" from "Uncle Silas" by Sheridan le Fanu, I had so many thoughts I had to get them out: the recurrent problem of evil, personified by Dudley terrorizing Maude in the teleplay and by Indonesia genociding East Timor in the Intercom last night: what does one DO when evil is physically stronger than good? Kill the evil one? For there seems to be no JUSTICE against the powerful, neither in the Gothic era when the opium-crazed probably DID control their heirs by murder and violence, nor now, when the United Nations refuses to act, led by Moynihan who had ORDERS to ignore any pleas by Timor, and I can't wait to watch the ineffectuality of the PROOF that Reagan induced the Iranians to hold the prisoners until after Carter was defeated by him in the election, just as the book on Johnson, PROVING he bought the election in Texas, will have no effect on HIS ill-gotten presidency and its results in Vietnam and elsewhere. I get that "other-worldly" feeling again when I think that I have yet to sort through the slides, buy the rug for the bathroom, clean the apartment for next Saturday's slide show, yet I WILL get everything together for it now that I don't have to talk on the phone with Dennis, in San Diego, and Alice is home sick, and Shelley JUST phones to say that her car is towed so she can't possibly eat dinner out tonight, freeing ME! But then "Star Trek" comes on immediately after, and I figure NOW I must go down for the mail, and THERE is the first of the checks, $1500 from Macmillan, and I've got to get it to the bank TODAY so that I can pay the Visa account by the end of the month AND get the check to Mary Vilaboa before she leaves on her trip! But at least the CHECKS have started in, though I MUST phone Springer to see why THEIRS is delayed, and wonder WHEN I'll get the missing roll of film from Kodak and the videotape from Connecticut!

4/19/91: Now I've finished with The Mahabharata, and I want to keep it so that I can ITEMIZE its ridiculousnesses. Mother saying "Share the treasure," which makes sense, but it does NOT make sense to INSIST on sharing it when it's a WIFE. A woman marries a blind man and insists on becoming blind, THEN says she would have taken off the veil if he'd ORDERED her to take off the veil. Never did Werner's apothegm: "If you want someone to tell you something, you must tell them what you want them to say to you" seem more apt. Just as I was bitching about their ridiculous honoring of the concept of honor, some enemy speaks of honor and Vishnu says "Don't befoul that word with your mouth." So honor is meaningful as long as the person who utters it IS honored! Then the strong are killed with tricks and treachery (like the ludicrous X the elephant is killed so that X the son can be said to be killed to the father, who then lays down his life). But whenever the arguments get totally entangled, there's always the OUT of "But life and death and illusions are all illusion," and we are directed to rise above all this talk of right and wrong, and even DHARMA, which is the core concept, seemingly equivalent to TAO, and the hero is REWARDED TWICE at the end, once for refusing to leave a dog (even though he's lied to kill someone: SURELY a human life's being taken is more serious than a dog's being LEFT BEHIND), at which point he's told he can enter into heaven, and then he finds his ENEMIES in heaven and his HEROES in hell, and when he DAMNS DHARMA (surely, from the symbolism of the play, that which must NOT be damned), he's rewarded by being told that "This was the last of the illusions," and he's rewarded with supposedly infinite bliss, which, by Dharma, is supposed to be illusory ALSO. But the cheating ("But I'm not allowed to hit his thigh;" "Hit his thigh anyway") extends to killing the supposedly all-powerful (who, when needed by the plot, come out of nowhere, like the king who rules the horses who drives the enemy's chariot, who says he's more powerful than Krishna without really saying how he DESERVES to be more powerful than Krishna, other than the plot demands another turn of the suspense-screw), and that brings BACK my "problem of evil" (on the previous page), and it's coupled now in my mind with the "problem of beauty": what do you do when you're completely in love with someone and see someone who's so totally beautiful that you can do nothing but fall in love with them (despite any incantation that "Beauty is only skin deep" and "Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder" and "Beauty ends in aging and death") and be drawn like a moth to their beauty's flame. There's nothing to do with evil but kill it; there's nothing to do with beauty but be attracted to it, there's nothing to do with evil but flee it: maybe they NEEDN'T fight in Timor: if they can move away and be happy somewhere ELSE, maybe there's no need to remain yearning for "the fatherland," which should be a null concept ANYWAY in my "I-know-better-than-anyone" future, where everyone is as sensible as I am after they've read all I've had to write. But I want to write so that I can see the RESPONSES to my writing: I can criticize the morality of the Mahabharata, and the endings of Asimov, only because they've been WRITTEN DOWN, and so I want to HAVE WRITTEN DOWN so that someone can critique MY writings, and ANSWER them, just as Shakespeare supposedly answered the questions of his actors to smooth out his plays, and acceded to the wishes for grander speeches by his characters so that his intelligence expanded into his soliloquies---I want that chance too. So I stop before watching "Marie" so that I can get these thoughts down on paper and printed before 11AM today, before hopefully finding another check in the mailbox which I'll then go out to deposit AGAIN! Now if only my tongue-cut would heal, my upper-left molars feel like they've regained their seating in my jaw where they now feel loose, if only I could relieve the pain in my thumbs, if only I don't upchuck a bit of sour cereal as I did, surprisingly, this morning when I was brushing my teeth, THEN I'd feel better TOO.

4/29/91: NOTE dated 3/26/91: DS: Mutual masturbation/mutual URINATION, my mother pisses while talking to me on the phone. BZ: Sharing intimacy with your parents? BZ: MAYBE you're putting the cock before the commitment: IF you TALKED of your COMMITMENT and TRUSTED him, he COULD be in the club. DS thought it may be true! BZ: My self-esteem is bigger than yours. DS: I've been GIVEN another CHANCE at Dick Curry, I at LEAST shouldn't make the SAME mistake AGAIN. He MUST have kept my letter: he holds my hand, he introduces me to his friends, we DO things together, he SHARES his life with me. DICK said, "Letting go," and then said, "This isn't the time to be serious." DS FINISHED his play ("Michael doesn't get back to "Bruce,") and THEN Dick came BACK and PHONED DS. DS: "A fact, I DON'T forgive, like not forgiving me brother NOT having seen me ACT." BA: What will you think AFTER he sees you act? Dick: I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." That HURT me. Should I have said "Do you get scared when you start feeling close to someone?" THE time I was DEPRESSED over LOSS of Dick Curry, I got my Kaposi's sarcoma. Am I crazy about this? Marj and DS: The only thing worth crying about is when the one you love doesn't love YOU.

5/1/91 (typed 5/4): Really make a breakthrough early-morning 5/1, having gone through most of the SMALLER things connected with the trip, such as vacuuming, getting my shoes shined, putting up the bookcase to hold the Antarctic papers and Aus/NZ souvenirs, and checking through the to-do stack. Wake with the idea of noting down which tasks are left, and end up with seven, and when I assign the tentative number of hours it'll take to do them, I eventually end with a spectrum of 10 through 70 hours, one decade for each item, and add them up to 280 hours (all of them hopefully estimated on the HIGH side so I'll go through them QUICKER than expected), which is just 9 hours/day for the 31 days in May, about 10AM-7PM. The list is SO satisfying: 1) Movie-list @ 10, 2) Trip-letters @ 20, 3) Antarctic article @30, 4) Slide-showings @ 40, 5) Journal-type @ 50, 6) VCR-watch @ 60, and 7) Indexes @ 70. The first two (movie-list and trip- letters) are things to FINISH and be DONE with, the middle three (Antarctic article, slide-showings, and journal-type) are the last three things associated with the TRIP ITSELF, and the last two (VCR-watch and indexes) will continue for the rest of the year in FREEDOM when I get the first two (primarily) and the other three FINISHED. The movie-list comes in for unexpected delays when I at first read in the SAVE diskette and find it's the 1988 list, not the 1990 list, and the idea of needing to redo the last THREE years is appalling. Then I sift through the OTHER diskettes and find an ASCII 1990 movie-list, which leads me to an even BETTER method of updating: read in the ASCII file at 57 lines per page, repage the first multiple-see lists, and then add new movies so that the manual repagination is MUCH nearer done to end with an even 60 lines (including header) for each and every page. Then re-do all the "l" to "1" in the entries, then the PRINTER overheats after 60 or so pages, dropping first spaces and then whole SETS of lines, putting the carriage-return spacing out! So THAT takes more like TWENTY hours to do over 5/1-5/3, Friday, but THEN Friday afternoon and evening I type ALL the 40 letters to make an ENORMOUS dent in the trip-letter task, having only to close them, envelope them, and go wait on the post-office line for more stamps to MAIL them (finding that I've only got OLD-rate foreign-postage stamps, also). Then this morning (5/4, Saturday) I wake with a GREAT idea for the Antarctic article: Antarctic Contrast, which I'll get to now at 11:15AM that I've had breakfast, finished this page to the bottom, and will now go down to see what the mailman hath brought me today.

5/18/90: Notes from PROVINCETOWN WHALE-WATCHING TRIP MAY 18-19: Robert Moy told me his friend might have to cancel his reservation on the two-day whale-watching bus-trip to Provincetown this weekend, and I said, if it was OK with him, I'd go with him, saying that it wasn't personal that I really wasn't looking forward to sharing a double bed with ANYONE. So about Tuesday Robert phoned to say that I WOULD be going with him, catching a 6AM bus at the southeast corner of 7th Avenue and 32nd Street, getting up to P-town for an afternoon whale-watch, another one Sunday morning, then leaving about 2:30PM Sunday for the return bus-trip to NYC. So I practiced getting up early on Tuesday when Rolf and I went to Atlantic City, tried to get to bed early on Friday night, leaving Actualism at 10PM when the slides were over, rather than when the gathering was finished, and packed my shoulderbag with everything I'd need for the trip by Friday afternoon. Woke at 4AM, which gave me lots of time to have breakfast, pack the last of the bag, and get out at 5:25AM for the bus, taking the GRUNGIEST subway in ages: every car having a smelly homeless black sleeping on a seat and a few disgruntled, weary workers going to ill-paying jobs one step away from welfare. Can hardly find my way OUT through the morning-locked exits, and get to the corner precisely as Robert shows up at 6AM, saying "Here he comes" about me to Barbara who's checking us off on her list. Pleased to find my bag fits above our second-from the front seats on the left, and sit dazedly until the bus gets its final passengers and leaves at 6:40, Robert reading his home-buyer's paperback in preparation to his purchase of a condo. We stop for a quick McDonald's breakfast 8:30-8:50, and I get a "Big Breakfast" for $2.44 that's not THAT bad with artificial eggs and a flattened sausage and butterless muffin and glass of water. Lots of greenery along the roads, not that much traffic, and we're into the parking lot at southside Surfside at 12:50, checking in at 1PM to the $43 room which has a QUEEN-sized bed, decent bathroom, and I pay him $72 in cash and $50 in check for my half the room, the $50 for two cruises, and $55 for the bus. We walk into town where he shops for books, and then I see the bus arrive and we're to the dock for the Dolphin Fleet boat with about 100 passengers that leaves on the dot of 2:30. It's colder than I would have thought, he wishes he'd brought his vest, and since the ocean is over-wavy, we stay inside the hook of Cape Cod, sailing at the end west toward Plymouth in order to bag our catch of two fin whales and 3 humpbacks through the day. I get a few decent slides, one I hope of the characteristic tail-dive, but all of them so far away I actually have to ASK whether we say the SAME whales more than once, which the spotter says we did. Dock after 3 1/2 hours at 6PM, glad that the earpatch worked and I didn't feel queasy at all (but then no one did since we never really hit any ocean swells), and at least I've FINALLY seen a live humpback and another kind of whale. Line at Lobster Pot is too long so we eat at Ocean's Inn, not that great, next to loud ignorant table of ten in one god-awful family, and I get back to watch a fragment of "O Pioneers" on the TV and fall into bed at 10 just as Robert returns from his catting. Sleep fine!Wake before his alarm at 6AM, shower after he takes what appears to be his SECOND in 8 hours, walk into town by 7AM to find that the Portuguese bakery isn't open until 7:30. Walk BACK to find that the bus won't start, so walk BACK by way of Bradford St. for a different view to breakfast on apple juice and $1.25 great flaky-burnt malasada at the jammed bakery. To the boat at 8AM and it goes out a bit late, taking over an hour to go WAY into the right area, and there are a mother and baby humpback "logrolling" near the ship, blowing gently, rolling about, showing their rostra, waving their flippers, gently cruising beneath the ship so we can see their ENTIRE body, and I hope I get great slides and order the $29 video with high hopes. Some people sick in the rolling swells here, back at 12, lunch at the Lobster Pot with Ariel, big and cute and attracted by Robert, both teachers, and onto the bus at 2:30 after sitting in front of the City Hall looking at jams of tourists, back in traffic (and the driver returning 3 exits for his papers), stop at McDonald's for a LeanBurger and shake for dinner at 8, and Manhattan at 10:02 and home 10:30 UGH!

5/25/91: Decide to TELEPHONE PEOPLE today, based on the dream recorded on the bottom of DREAM 298, and phone Mary Vilaboa at 9:45 to get no answer, and again at 11:25. Then Mom at 9:45, feeling poorly (though she feels better when she calls me back at 3PM). Bernice at 10AM, then again just before I leave at 12:35, and she says we're not finished yet. Pope at 10:35, Barbara Lea at 11:10, making arrangements to meet Saturday for Delores's wedding. Dennis at 11:05, then leave about a third message with Paul Bosten at 11:20, getting out the number (718-MA4-5397) for Carlyle Morris and finding that Paul's been in Roosevelt Hospital for the last two weeks, room 907: lost 20 pounds in the last six weeks, had 102S fever and didn't even know it, and will be sent home Wednesday or Thursday, the 29th or 30th, with full-time nursing care that he's looking to Gretchen and me and other friends to supplement if anything goes wrong with any of the nurses, because he's losing his sense of time: thinks it's only lunch with it's dinner, and doesn't know what day it is, so he doesn't feed himself and doesn't take his medicines at the right times. Carlyle at the end of the conversation says, "It sounds like it's getting close to the end." Then Maya at 11:30, who doesn't do house-calls to find out what's making my apartment possibly allergic, but points out that the air and ozone levels have been deadly for the past few days and THAT can cause flu-like symptoms of sore throats and coughs. She says she'll run tests on my blood (from three years ago?) and call me back. Then she says she's visited Phyllis on 100th Street in NYC, where she's recovering from her broken knee in her dead sister's Riverside Drive apartment. Then phone Elizabeth from 11:45 to 12:10. Then a quick breakfast and out to the Brooklyn Navy Yard tour scheduled at 1PM.

5/25/91: BROOKLYN NAVY YARD TOUR: Leave in the heat and walk down Tillary St. to Gold, then to Nassau, which becomes Flushing next to very under-used parks. Into the entrance gate about 1 to find about 30 people signed up, and Justin gives a wonderful overview of the Wars of Independence and 1812 in Brooklyn, down to the bones of the prisoners found afterwards in Wallabout Bay, and then an economic history that makes it clear Brooklyn (and the US) is no longer PRODUCING anything, leaving it to other countries to make and PROFIT from basic industry. What historic ships were built here: the Maine (Remember the, sunk in Cuba), the Arizona (sunk in Pearl Harbor), and the Missouri (ending WWII). In 1841 Drydock #1 (photo with the barge in) was built for $2 million, and ranked with the Brooklyn Bridge as the greatest constructions of the 19th century. The last ship built, the Duluth, was completed in January 1966, and then the government sold it and now it's becoming an industrial park, Sweet and Low the most prominent name there now. Brooklyn was BUILT in 1810-1898, so it is the largest VICTORIAN city in the US. Maybe that's why I liked Melbourne??

5/26/91: URBAN PARK RANGERS ARCH-ITECTURE TOUR. I'm first on the waiting list, but there are only 17 of the signed-up 26 people there, so Spartacus could have come too. We start with the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Arch in Grand Army Plaza, which I'd taken pictures of before, and then across the Manhattan Bridge to stand in the roadway for photos of the ceremonial arch built there, with closeups of Industry or Commerce, whichever side it was, erected for $9500 while the frieze across the top, modeled on the Parthenon hunter's frieze, cost the city $15,000. Then in to the city for the Washington Square Arch, getting a good shot of the syphilitic acid-rained face of George Washington, and good looks at some of the incredibly sexy-muscled guys wandering through the park, and then back to Brooklyn Museum for the two Daniel Chester French sculptures removed from the Brooklyn side of the Manhattan Bridge and placed in front of the Brooklyn Museum in the 1960s. I leave the tour, see the Golub paintings: anti-government hangings in the lobby; and then out to the incredible collection of roses in the Botanic Gardens, using up more film, have to order some, and getting back about 3:30 to go through the Sunday Times and watch Pope's "Pathfinder" film and at 9:30 zip out for the fireworks from Promenade.

6/3/91: 10AM: First NOTEBOOK entry in over a week, and I feel I want to summarize now that it's JUNE! I'm reasonably content with my accomplishments during May: it's true I didn't finish transcribing the trip-journal, but there's only a few hours left on that (though I then have the summary pages and the datebook entries to make). I finished all my indexes ahead of time, and do have another to finish this week, but now I'm worried more about GETTING more than anything else in THAT area. This morning, watching the porno tapes I borrowed from Spartacus who borrowed them from Bob L, I finished the LAST of the previously-listed VCRs to see from him, and this week should see the end of the tapes that are available from BHV, and THAT was the only reason that I didn't finish the May do-list totally---I've gotten more than half the outside VCRs finished already---though I still want to get back and finish the World of Video list before retyping the VCR-list for this year. Slide shows are going OK, though I really have to reduce the Australia-NZ set before I show them a few times. Already have the NEXT tasks on my mental list for JUNE: 1) update my videotape listings and index, 2) remove about half the stuff from the desk- file drawer to make room for more, and 3) remove the souvenirs from the bookcase next to the desk, so that won't overflow anymore, which will clearly lead to 4) making more room in the filing cabinet and on the travel shelves, which could last indefinitely forever. Viewing commercial films last week led me to GRIM conclusions about the current movie-industry: slanted toward the violent, the vicious, and the retarded, there's so much gratuitous bloodshed and gleeful flouting of simple morality that it's difficult to have ANY optimism about the upcoming generation's work ethic ("I'm not going to work for Burger World when I can simply make more money by stealing"), respect for life (if you don't like anyone, just kill them), or respect for each other (you can be a hero by playing dirty jokes, hating, and being totally despicable). Then the article about the rape of the Sarawak rain-forest timber, from New Yorker Magazine, summarized my despair with the state of the world: nothing can stop the greedy oligarchy from plundering the natural resources of an entire island, leaving the terrain open to becoming an unproductive desert in less than a generation, and the rich pigs will take their wealth and buy houses in Palm Beach and spend millions of dollars a year on totally sybaritic lifestyles which will benefit no part of the world that they caused the destruction of. Of course it's clear to me that I hardly do better, but I'm not gaining my income from anything DESTRUCTIVE, and I devote my time to myself when possible, eating too-rich foods and buying full-price Broadway tickets, if really necessary, to see "Les Miz" and "Phantom" and "Miss Saigon," and have yet to get to buying the books that may soon be out of print in the bookshops if I don't get them within a year of their coming out in paperback, but my OWN life is a process of constantly coming to terms with it, while I already HAVE come to terms with the rich-and-famous despoilers of any pennies the poor may have earned: maybe there SHOULD be a revolution (though not by the grubby revolutionaries of "Die Kinder," who couldn't seem to accomplish anything by their terrorism) or a world cataclysm on the line of "Gain," so that there would be far fewer people to occupy a recovering world. Taking rueful account of my diminishing sexuality, increasing feebleness, and growing jadedness, I'm hoping to become increasingly an observer to the fate of the earth, and when is Jonathan Schell going to write his sequel to that wonderful book that seemed to have absolutely no effect on the politics of the world---though now that the Communist system seems permanently discredited, maybe there IS a chance for some substantial disarmament, though the increasing militarism of unthinkably small and murderous men like Saddam Hussein will make the danger of independent nuclear attack and terrorism more likely as time goes on, making it MORE dangerous to fly the planes that I've finally gotten more equanimity about, but maybe I can get all THAT out of my system through the Galapagos and Madagascar and Namibia (and Victoria Falls and Angel Falls and Vienna and northern Australia and New Guinea and---and---and), even within the following 12 months!