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1/2/94: Computer-game-less days continue. Watched "Turandot" again today, with Eva Marton, for the third time, so I have to distinguish this watching by SF: Great Performances. Same thoughts: Liu is willing to "give her life" as her love for Calaf, saying that the torture is irrelevant because her love is so deep---yet she's already pleaded for her torturers to stuff her mouth so that her cries won't betray her pain. There's just NO GETTING AROUND PAIN, no matter HOW much you love someone: what IS the story or book or play in which a dearly beloved GRATEFULLY BETRAYS his beloved because of torture (other than 1984 and the rats) that he cannot endure? I suppose IF my SCRIPSVs were all combined, I could global-search for Turandot and find the other references---maybe THAT'S [here's ANOTHER WP difficulty: it'd previously BROUGHT DOWN the word "references," making too big a space at the end, then I left a space after references and put in three lines and ONE appeared on the line ABOVE! But after I deleted the space, suddenly it found ANOTHER way of handling it: putting two dashes on ONE line and one BELOW it!] what I'll do after I finish with NOTEBOOK rather than finish off my 1993 LIFELIST. Back to Turandot-thoughts! It's really GREAT that he got in SO MANY deep ideas: let the earth go to ruin, I concentrate on my love for Turandot; let others be killed, that's not my problem; Liu's CERTAINTY that Turandot would fall for Calaf---what a great "Scenes We Wished We'd Seen": Calaf suffers Liu's suicide, his own brush with death, and Turandot turns him down flat: maybe she'd have preferred LIU! Again I meditate on the conventions of opera: everything with a grand passion so that emotions can be stretched to their limits: Ping/Pang/Pong begging him to NOT risk his life for the riddles, Calaf screaming away that all he wants in life OR death is Turandot---maybe she's a lousy cocksucker?? The old man bewails being left along---maybe he doesn't want to be entrusted to Liu? And the tenor playing Calaf IS a bit of a beast, but then so is Eva Marton, and one IGNORES all that, and I AGAIN find myself ruminating on the class differences: they tempt Calaf away from Turandot with travels to "exotic, fascinating places"---maybe, but the natives will STILL be there cultivating the shit-filled fields to put their best veggies on the linen-lined tables of the rich---I'll bet THEY don't find their fields exotic or fascinating! But there's a refreshing PERMANENCE about Turandot---if Marton's voice is a bit strident (like having an unpleasant voice shrieking just below her barely-maintained stage voice), if the production isn't quite the spectacle of the Met (although the black-to-red transition of all the character-patterns surrounding the Emperor in the final scene is effective), I don't have to worry about NOT having a permanent copy of this SF production, because it will be done AGAIN AND AGAIN, and I can merge a perfect CD with a perfect video at some later time. Productions will ALWAYS be there, not like the fabled missed ACT Taming of the Shrew for which I now know it was Theatre in America as the sponsoring series. Now another NOTEBOOK page??

1/6/94: Going through travel paperwork, I came across FIVE following fragments:
1) 10/25/90: Notes from George Bernard Shaw, Volume 1: 194B: PARTHIAN glance! 264T: "Indecency consists, not in evil, but in mentioning it," say CRITICS. To p.272. 617B: He---grievance. MAD! P.742M: Wall---corners. LIST plays. 11/7/90.
2) 10/30/90: Joe E. on reading Future Novel: It's good in parts; it reads BETTER than before; needs more OUTSIDE; the characters aren't PEOPLE; ending is repetitious and falls apart; there's little action outside, seems cut short; there's no action, it's really more MY trip.
3) 11/9/90: Durrenmatt: Four Plays: p15: We have no style, only styles. p30: Comedy supposes a world about to fold. Like ours. p32: Tragic---leads me to think of a "Future Novel" ending with ZINOVIA the heroine, mourning Frank, who "passes up to a WIDER world." p268M: Kill the girl if she doesn't love me anymore. p275T: faced by a visible Heaven, the State is inevitably reduced to a farce. p341T: Duty is genius to remain unrecognized(?). p349: WHAT is "Physicists" about??
4) 8/14/92: Ho Chi Minh Trail: Viet Cong used ELEPHANTS, needing leaves and a night-bath, while the US needed million-dollar helicopters. Defoliants, bombs, anti-personnel mines and bombs. Villages haven't changed in hundreds of years (which is GOOD), and they have a cashless society of raising food and trading. Their harmony with nature (nomadic, living on few calories) enabled them to survive for thousands of years, even through WAR. We left $50 billion in wrecked aircraft---and it's as if we NEVER SPENT it! We ASSUME they're poor without air conditioning or VCRs or cars or steaks. War is wasteful hell: poverty or peace versus wealth or war.
5) 9/13/92: 10:01PM: Seven-hour flight; begin to move; 2/3 full. Off at 10:25. Take pill at 10:35, just with a drink of soda, and [I can't read notes] at 12:25. Up at 9:20, ALSO changed my watch. Two hours to go!

1/14/94: 11:07AM: Watch a tape of Kodiak Bears on National Geographic, and the presentation seems so SILLY: we should be worrying about the bears because "When the environment goes, they go." Why would the environment go? Because the islanders, eager for money, will either sell their land to outside developers or develop it themselves. But then they complain that "their children and their children's children won't be able to enjoy what they were able to enjoy." But they and their fathers and their fathers' fathers (and why isn't "fathers" spelled "fauthers" as it's pronounced, rather than looking like "fah-thers" or even "fat-hers"?) enjoyed interaction with the bears for thousands of years when they RESPECTED the bears and the bears' territories. Now, for SHEER ridiculousness, they build a cabin, against the laws which established most of the island as a Refuge for the bears, right on the well-established trails of the bears from the hills to a secluded lake! SURE the visitors renting their cabin will get a great look at the bears: when the bears tear down their cabin, with the tourists inside, (reminding me of the elephants in Elephant Walk tearing down the house built on THEIR migration trail), to get to their source of FOOD. Bears are oblivious to the laws around them, and if they're hurt when their mothers chase them away to their unwanted independence so that the mothers can get pregnant for MORE children (for a BEAR population explosion?), they're MORE hurt when they're KILLED by tourists threatened by the bears doing ONLY WHAT NATURE DEMANDS. As if NATURE demanded that the land be developed and the landowners enriched, rather than just LIVING by fishing and hunting as they did in the past! No, they MUST get rich, they MUST have more (the HUMAN population explosion as the push), to buy more junk and have MORE reasons to wonder why they don't have simpler "natural" lives! 11:16AM: WHERE AM I NOW? For the first, awful, component, I'm VERY concerned about money, making each incursion even MORE frustrating and evil: 1) Unincorporated Business Tax negotiations taking time and maybe more money, 2) IRS Estimated Tax due on January 17 demanding I borrow it from Spartacus, 3) Rent "security" moneys prompting frustrated letters to Robertson and agent, 4) VISA billing which will come due on February 15 not even paid by BORROWING, 5) Any new purchases tempered with "Can I afford this" when I'd rather SPEND! Then I'm concerned about expanding my play, for which I've come up with the wonderful title Dee's Guys, for my reading slot on Tuesday 1/18 at Village Playwrights. At least I haven't wasted time with playing computer GAMES for a long while! But in my concentration on money I think of 1) playing the lottery, 2) selling stamps, 3) borrowing from Susan (who calls this morning and says I have to wait until TUESDAY to deposit her $20 check: she has NO funds---SURE I can borrow from Susan) or Ken (what a status to escalate THAT friendship to!) or even MOM (who HAD been warned that I only wanted to send her $3000, but she held out for $4000---can I convince her she "owes" me $1000?), 4) sending out resumes to Elsevier and---WHATEVER large German publisher that just took over some Broadway and 46th Street building whose name I forget, and I've been FORGETTING lots lately: the name for Veal Cordon Bleu, the fact Charles SAID he'd come to the Beard on 1/31, and that Spartacus was joining me at the Symphony at 8PM after the Museum of Broadcasting, so he couldn't join me for dinner beforehand. All this balled up: just as the music from Pirates of Penzance segues into the music from Turandot and I wonder which operatic aria I'm reminded of by the fearful "I want to be a tailor" sung by Sabu in---and I have to really stop and THINK for the title---Thief of Baghdad. But at least I HAVE DONE things: I've almost caught up with the videotapes, not like Spartacus still watching Shoah; I HAVE vacuumed and cleaned the apartment, though the toilet bowl needs attention again ALREADY; I've started Audience Extras with a wonderful Greetings and put the numbers on my automatic-dialing board; done laundry and taken out the garbage and used up Spartacus's old video-ticket and sent out my Christmas cards and letters, as Spartacus has yet to do. And he DID say there was a chance of his going to the bank TODAY and giving me the cash that I need (raised from $2000 to $2200, which doesn't even INCLUDE money I'll need IN February before I pay him back completely by February 28. But in addition to the $2260 ALREADY owed me, which should all come in during the six weeks between now and 2/28, I'm heartened that the Spectrum book may finish next week (with their 30-day pay period I should get THAT money during February), and the ASME book seems certain for 1/17, which is good. But then Mom's "demand" of a week in Paris, WITH me, PAID by me, in June, is hanging on the horizon. And to add to the list 24 lines above, 5) maybe Mom will DIE and I won't owe her any more money and may even GET some from her will---how nice to have a COMPUTER to tell such terrible things to! But, returning to non-money matters, I have to sort through the stack of COMPUTER stuff for the first draft of the six or so pages that I STARTED on the girl-and-guy prelude to Two Guys. Then last night I thought of the "Computer Files" collection on my shelf, all from the TRS, which I can now get rid of (after I decide what I want to KEEP for my burgeoning archives), and there are STILL things on the pile that I should do TODAY, including VIDEOTAPING those crazy chocolate-caramel mushrooms that I opened from Susie on CHRISTMAS, so THAT'S been on the list for THREE WEEKS now! And still the computer-tasks awaiting---haven't BEGUN on whatever "one of twelve" tasks I'd accomplish during January! Not to mention the fax machine waiting to be taken apart, and BREAKFAST to be had now that it's 11:35AM and I've at least obeyed the urge to jerk off this morning, and am looking forward to Gentle Men tonight to see if I can rekindle the "buzz" between me and the guy who clasped my knee affectionately after the "touchie-feelie" portion of the meeting on Christmas Eve. Anyone who can "live moment-to-moment" obviously has a BANKROLL to protect him from BEING CONCERNED ABOUT THE NEXT BUCK’S ARRIVAL!

1/20/94: Village Playwrights reactions to DEE'S GUYS, read by them 1/18/94: It's long, but the two people in love were good. The APARTMENT fuss is a big disaster, just SAY it happened, don't bother about the details. Or make it realistic: have it just TWO apartments with thin walls. The characters have too many changes too quick./ It PICKED UP in the j/o sections, but DRIFTED in the stuff about the son. Had pre-AIDS consciousness: dated and libertine by Dee./ How did Guy stand toward gays? He's scattered, first sensitive then insensitive, with too many quick changes./ Do more with "If he heard US?" Too many puns and word plays: it becomes predictable. Guy knows WAY too much about his neighbor in a SHORT time./ ANTITHETICAL: Play it so it's NOT the first time Dee hears the Gay Guy,/ and the interest IS that she DIDN'T know about him./ Guy-reader: Being LIBERAL is nice, but I WOULDN'T do what he did. Shorts are far-fetched/stretched. Wants fewer paradoxes in Guy. Guy's NOT really that straight. Wordplay is NOT dizzying---STOPPARD does LOTS more wordplay that IS dizzying. Opening is "naked through the wordplay," NO straight man would say it. "For fear that" is PREPOSTEROUS./ Then I cut off the burgeoning talk about whether Guy IS or ISN'T really gay, saying we should get to the SECOND part. Reading took ABOUT a half an hour: Barbara somewhat cold and uninterested and uninteresting in her reading (and she did NOT return my phone call yesterday at noon, thanking her for reading, asking what SHE thought, primarily of the WOMAN'S talk, which no one really addressed, except for saying they thought SHE was a much more complete and consistent character than they thought HE was). Reading about 6:15-6:45, discussion to 7:10, reading of TWO GUYS took till about 7:25, and I had to rush through the ending discussion by 7:55, when the other group started pushing in and I had to dash up to pay the check (sillily forgetting that I was #12, not putting in my $2, and so saying we were 11 for $22) before joining Sherryl late at Gotham at about 8:10PM. TWO GUYS remarks: Whole other style---DIFFERENT pieces---LOST interest. Straight Guy was awful. The GAY Guy was real, the Straight Guy was bad writing, with long diatribes, pedantic. "He's teaching us what his conflicts are."/ Hard to know where the Straight Guy is coming from. Author MAKING him do things---where's he COMING from? After 15 minutes together, they're lovers?/ Arbitrary and willful flipping of situation---tuna casserole IS a gay dish! Sometimes you write the RIGHT speech for the WRONG character./ No, tuna casserole is a TYPICAL thing to cook. I liked first play, this is NOT the same play. Your mind could MAKE ANYTHING of UNSEEN Gay Guy, which was lots better./ Straight Guy should be MORE confused or MORE linear./ Liked the "whole casserole" thing./ Gay Guy is an EMBARRASSMENT but development is good in the first part and NO good in the second part. Gay Guy wouldn't talk about "two knives." Play should be "much more succinct and much more profound."/ Straight Guy has NO boundaries, he's amorphous, part conservative, part New-Ager, part Catholic; "Even people in transition are STRONGLY one way or another."/ I'm STILL TELLING (even with Dee IN) the HISTORY of the non-present gay encounter. Gay Guy just had his SPACE violated, he CAN'T THEN go into unmotivated unbelievable philosophizing./ Someone "picked up on undercurrent of violence, which was jarring," "Author wants me to think about metaphors and I just want to enjoy a play."/ Gay Guy is the MADDEST "reserved" queen EVER. SELF-CONSCIOUS characters. Characters TALKING ABOUT what they are, not SHOWING who they are (this from Eric, the best comment yet!)./ It's great, it's all about sex, but who ARE the characters?/ "I'm coming out as a PERSON" doesn't work. Gay Guy should BE the challenge to the Straight Guy. Decide what the CHARACTERS are about, NOT what the PLAY is about (I wish I remember who said THAT---sounds GOOD)./ Just have THIN WALLS, FORGET "absurdist wall," or there must be OTHER absurdist touches./ Have the GAY GUY hear the STRAIGHT couple talking, TOO!/ But if I take out the "through the wall," which the GROUP loved the first time, NEXT time they'll probably want me to remove the j/o through wall sounds, which everyone loved THIS time. Didn't even put the PAGES away on Wednesday, the following day, and only typed up these notes to preserve them TWO days later.

2/2/94: SUCH feelings of frustration recently: 1) just now recorded a very frustrating dream on DREAMS:2/2/94, 2) my view of myself in the mirror last night was VERY unflattering, 3) I seem ALWAYS to be behind in brushing my teeth, leading me to worry about a) future dental visits and b) ultimate mouth health, 4) my body nearly ALWAYS stinks from an over-moist crotch which means I should a) throw out my non-cotton top sheet which makes me sweat at night and b) shower more often, even when I'm NOT going to the gym because I either am getting, having, or recovering from a cold, 5) but that makes my crotch almost constantly chafed and over-smelly from some sort of growing infection, 6) and my NOSE is more stuffed than usual, 7) and my THROAT is particularly sore this morning, though it is TOO many mornings, having even gone to an EENT specialist for a laryngoscopy to make sure there isn't anything CHRONICALLY CLINICALLY wrong with it, 8) and there have been SO many incipient deliveries, or, as this morning, messenger-arrivals so that even my REAL time isn't my own: I would have liked to jerk off this morning when I woke at 8:45 with that hard-on after my dream, but a MESSENGER is coming sometime this early morning to pick up the LAST index I've had on my list to do, making one of the BIGGEST frustrations: 9) it's the slow period, there's not NEARLY as much work as I'd like (and I STILL haven't sent off resumes to Bertelsmann or Elsevier!), which means 10) there's not NEARLY enough money: borrowed $2000 from Spartacus to pay January's VISA bill and some other incidentals, which I promised to pay back by the end of February, but even though there's still $3412 due in, even with the $870 deposited yesterday, with HIP due at $500 and rent at $450 and a mid-February VISA bill of $1500, I'm STILL going to be short at the middle of February bill-paying time! Then there are incidental frustrations, like 11) the radiators beginning to clank even when theoretically there's NOTHING wrong with them, 12) the criticism of Dee's Guys was so severe I don't even FEEL like working on a rewrite, though I think it was better than Ricks' S.O.S. last night, 13) computer things are STILL far behind, and now I've added the free month from Compuserve to the stack of things waiting to be done on the computer, 14) I've had a note for two days to catch up with MAS, and haven't had the time to do it yet, though 15) the pressure of evening things-to-do will end TONIGHT with the Albee play at the Vineyard, leaving my calendar blank until the tentative Armory tour Saturday afternoon and then Village Playwrights next Tuesday, 6 days away, but then I'm also waiting for 16) Carolyn's phone call this morning so I can pick out my meal for her awards dinner in Atlantic City on the 27th, and I really should 17) get my blood-work sheet in in time for my physical with C. on the 15th, reminding myself that 18) I'm scheduled for a weekend away with Michael and Dorothy on, numerically coincidentally, Feb 18th, and 19) I've got a stack of stuff, including the rest of Sunday's Times, to clear off today, MAYBE before the 20) gym, which I look forward to less and less because it doesn't seem to be doing any GOOD, and leading, of course to the fact that 21) NOTHING is happening sexually adventurously nowadays, even though I keep filing HX and In Touch and cards from the Center about sexy evenings at various places, most of which I've never been to, and 22) there's a stack of OTHER notebook and dream entries waiting to be transcribed and of course, 23) the stack of "computer" stuff that should be filed away after 24) getting rid of some of the old indexes in preparation for 25) filling out my trial IRS forms---but this is getting into a general do-list, however reminding me that I've been wanting to 26) check back to the 12-item computer-do list that I'd fantasized doing one-a-month, and now that January's OVER, I should have been able to cross OFF one item, even though I may have accomplished 25% of FOUR (27-30) of the items, though I haven't FINISHED YET with 27) organizing the directories and files for easier retrieving and hard-saving on the Bernoulli after each day's work, 28) learning CINDEX for indexing, not even having left me ANY index to TRY, though I could simply DUPLICATE old entries to take it through printing to see how it works WITHOUT WP, possibly, 29) GOT the el-cheapo ribbons for the Panasonic though I haven't tried them yet, nor have I retried re-inking as I've been telling myself I should do, 30) made maybe 2.5% progress on amalgamating all the previously scattered SCRIPSVX files into CONTINUOUS files of NOTEBOOK, DREAMS, ACTUALISM, BON MOTS, etc., by fussing minimally with files DD and SCRIPSVZ and other duplicates and questions I'd had---and now it's 9:30AM and I 31) haven't had breakfast, 32) haven't messengered-out the index, 33) haven't started catching up on old videos now that my rental card is up-to-date with February and I've seen all the currently available rentals, and I've even 34) gone OVER page 30, which I'd hoped to FINISH, and now I have the decision to continue to the end of THIS page or print out a partial page. Maybe the CURRENT frustration is 35) I don't even know if, at the START of this list, I actually CAPTURED all the IMMEDIATE frustrations I feel with health---of course MISSING 36) my discontent with my ORGASMS (more later!), leading to 37) my frustration with chi-gong: tried keeping up with the trial exercises until I could start some kind of class, but he never got BACK to me and I decided, by December 25, that almost two months of trying was ENOUGH without feedback a) that I was DOING it effectively and b) that it was IMPROVING my physical or emotional or mental habitat, as so neatly listed by 38) Actualism, which I'm clearly not even NEAR ready to go back to, not doing NEARLY enough daily practice even though I've GIVEN UP the 20-minute chi-gong practice every day, which somehow reminded me of 39) haven't yet installed the new version of WINFAX to see if the OCR capabilities can do ANYTHING with faxes like the ONLY one from some company that I have on file (40) haven't tried ANYTHING on getting ANY of my fax-modem to work more generally), which takes me back to 41) even though I returned Vicki's nonworking fax machine for Sheila, I've done nothing MORE about getting the "missing" pages reincorporated into the files, though I've noted John's remark about the scanner rentals the new shop on Montague is offering, and while outside, 42) getting Elsevier's and Bertelsmann's Production Editors' addresses from the library, while 43) checking what discount books Remsen Books could get me from my VERY large book-want list, reminding me somehow that I still have 44) the UBT forms to fill out for last year or this year or next year, 45) the candy mushrooms from Suzie to videotape so THEY can be removed from my table top, 46) Rita I. hasn't phoned back though I left word with her yesterday that I would be willing to help with her WP problems, reminding me that 47) David B. hasn't phoned yet with the elegant-Mensa dining dates, 48) I haven't sent Fred K. my $3 for more Homogeniuses mailings, 49) I still have the slide-cassette to return to John S., and 50) the slide-8mm transfer machine is still standing on the table waiting for its FIRST use, and I see that I've EVEN exceeded a reasonable "let's do one-a-week for THIS list to be finished in 1994!" Though I can be sure that SOME of the above will REMAIN as I type some sort of comparable page in FEBRUARY 1995! And some will even be WORSE than they are now! Reminding me of the ULTIMATE frustration: while in the PAST I've honestly noted that things were STILL IMPROVING, NOT YET REACHED THE PEAK, it seems that EVERYTHING is now on a downhill slide. NOW I think to complete 36), above: no matter HOW I think to improve my orgasms (though there WAS a positive blip when I simply concentrated on the sensations and didn't look at ANY porno while zipping a blip of cum to hit the metal ashtray on my upper chest the other morning), there's NO DOUBT that the pressures are NEVER as great as they were, the sensations NEVER as delicious, the volume NEVER as great or the trajectory as stunning, as it was in the past. And THAT'S SAD! I might legitimately feel sorry for DENNIS for having his consuming pleasure reduced, but I'm MUCH FARTHER ALONG than he is, and I DO feel sorry for myself, though I KEEP REMINDING ME that I SHOULD still love my body, try to make it feel better and more accepted, so that it will CONTINUE to afford me good service, like the stomach that I DO still praise for its accommodation of almost anything at almost any time---that's INSIDE, now if I could only switch to praising my stomach on the OUTSIDE, it's BETTER!

2/9/94: "Reflections on Elephants" was the title of a Nature program, just ended, and my thoughts are complicated: for a bit, I reflected that I'd seen many of them in Botswana, at Chobe, where the river separates Botswana from Namibia, where it was filmed at Andy's Camp and another camp I'd heard of, as well as at Savuti, which we flew over. But there was also a huge sense of what I'd MISSED: the day-old babies, the middle-aged males in their first musths, the death of the old male, followed by the eerie caresses of the bones and tusks of the fallen by the reverent living. How wonderful to have been there so long as to have been able to film all this. Yet how much must the Jouberts have given up in the years it must have taken to film, record, edit, and market this "simple" fifty minutes of film, surely less than a minute a week of FILMING and only a fraction of the total time to finish this. I try to console myself: I'm so much available for varied eating, viewing, friends, writing, experiences here in New York City. Yet the WORLD can watch what they've accomplished, while, as yet, nothing of mine has reached beyond a few hundred viewers with my most-seen slide shows. And, as yet, no large audience for writings whether of fiction, plays, articles, or observations such as these. Remarks of how the elephants had ruled the entire continent of Africa in the past, and how this might be the last generation which can roam as freely as they now have been recorded as doing, can only make me sad and, again, reflective of the inordinate influence of humanity on this suffering earth---to be followed by my reflections on the inhumanity of the whites on the Blacks after I finish the last of the eight hours of Eyes on the Prize II that I'll be finishing after I finish THIS. Inevitable conclusion that if I had a lover with whom to share these thoughts, I wouldn't need to resort to writing them down. How I wish I could convince myself that this was a benefit in my life, rather than a liability. Thoughts of other computer-tasks which would make my life, here, richer, suppressed so that I can finish my TV viewing before finishing this page.

Also on 2/9/94: Eyes on the Prize II should have been annotated because I can't possibly recall all the notes I wanted to take: the CONSTANT lying of police about the intents, actions, and violence of Black groups and individuals which, even when UNCOVERED, would result in the perpetrators getting away TOTALLY BLAMELESS for the killing, maiming, and damaging of people and their causes. Sure, some of the Blacks made mistakes: imagine complaining about not being able to unify when the STATES manage to keep together with a far GREATER range of culture, personality, wealth, capability, and ignorance than the Blacks. Imagine thinking that ANY battle has been WON before the actual races are identical in education, opportunity, income, and power. How sad it was to see the STUPIDITY of the Southerners AND Northerners in refusing integration, schooling, job opportunities, and education to the Blacks. The villains were so obvious: J. Edgar Hoover forcing a criminal Black to spy on the Black Panthers, making easier the slaughter of John Hampton; Whoever Day Hicks for crippling the Chicago School Board; Jane Byrne, Mayor of Chicago, taking the advice to move her campaign to the Blacks, thus making her appear stupider than she might have been; Lyndon Johnson for promising a War on Poverty, then committing all his resources on an unwinnable War in Vietnam; Nelson Rockefeller for refusing amnesty ("Even if it WERE in my authority...") to the Blacks in Attica, leading to the death of even MORE Blacks AND whites than would have been "forfeit" if he'd granted amnesty; endless white cops who shoot and brutalize Blacks even if they're not guilty; endless stupid judges letting whites escape judgment for degrading Blacks; endless politicians who cater to the Blacks and then betray them once they gain office, as I hope Clinton and Giuliani will NOT do; and me, doing all this talking without doing ONE SINGLE THING to help those eyes move ever closer to their precious Prize.

2/18/94: Notes from 2/6 HIV and Oral Sex seminar at Columbia: 1) Difficult to get, even with cuts in mouth and periodontal disease. Saliva has LOW numbers by 1/1000. NO virus differences in bad/good mouths. 2) No known HIV infections from tears/urine, in saliva "rare." Less HIV, but SOME, with AZT. 1/7 urine samples are HIV+. Mouth-increased risk: blood in saliva. Candida in other lesions, herpes or AIDS. WIDE range of acidity, changing acidity only REDUCES risk, and NOT by much. "Not HIV" person is shouted down. 4) Oral-penile insertive activity can happen with infection, even without ejaculating: five in France with limited details. NO evidence of risk for receptive oral. 5) EVIDENCE of risk from oral intercourse. Infectivity MUCH WORSE right after infection. Maybe increase in oral sex unmasked risk. Peak is 6-12 weeks after infection. Maybe HIV itself is more virulent. 7) 75% of adults have perio disease and CAN get infected. Very confusing, non-conclusive, interesting day.

Note from 2/16/94: Notes from Henry Green's Loving: p.46 mouse, p.76 wounds, p.115 kiss, p.142 marriage, should Xerox pages, I guess, but throw out 6/93 review.

2/24/94: Asked Bob B. and Pope about my possible connections with Andrew Harvey and Mother Meera, from their birth-dates given in Hidden Journey page 47: 6/9/51 for Harvey, 12/26/60 for Meera. Bob AND Pope say I'm closest to Meera, compatible except moons, which means we can't get TOGETHER. For Bob, Harvey has "excitement squares: send him over right away." Pope can't really figure ANYTHING out until I tell him who they are, and she's balanced and productive as she progresses toward the millennium; I'll be a rich WRITER!

Also on 2/24/94: Notes on 2/20/94 Castle Harbor MAS brunch, where D train made me 1.5 hours LATE! Clockwise around the table from me were David D., snaggle-toothed Brit; Mark M.; Matt K.; Mel W., rather like Avi but pleasant; Jan W., who's moving to Connecticut; Scott G., the young organizer of this meeting; Ed T., looking rather like a young George Lucas; David W., balding; Harvey F.; Mike S., still strangely appealing, reminding me of someone from IBM or school that I can't quite put my finger on; Chi C., still hyperactive and wanting to see my African videos; Lewis O., a lawyer with a BIG forehead who gives me his card in case I have any legal problems; and George R., an older plump fellow who INSISTS I come to his Jamaica, Queens, home to see him operate on the Internet. Get a Lasser tax package as "door prize" from Jan W., so I don't mind THAT much splitting the bill at $15 when I actually SPENT more like $12 on fish and wine, neither of which was earth-shattering, but the kids' noises WERE!

Also on 2/24/94: SUCH a hassle at the bank! Tuesday, 2/22: Saw that they did NOT credit me $100 on the check I deposited 2/19, but took out $20 ANYWAY. Phoned woman who said I should refer to "Jose Gonzalez (JOHN SMITH!)" that: my $100 would be credited TODAY, and BEFORE any check paid against my account would only be entered at MIDNIGHT. "Your check will not bounce." 2/23: Took a look at my account and check DID bounce. Hollered at woman behind Service counter and she told me: a) $100 is credited only the NEXT day, b) checks can be charged against my account at ANY time, c) I should have asked woman's supervisor for her name, d) $300 overdraft DOESN'T work when I have uncollected funds. "That's INSANE," I shout, "You'll give me the $300 if I have NO funds, but if I have uncollected funds you WON'T?" Yep. Go to Maria S., who gives back my $18 NSF charge, credits me another $100 so that my check WILL clear, and says it's just too bad that the "amount available" on the ATM statement is incorrect. Phone CHOICE and she says that they ALWAYS submit checks twice if they bounce. 2/24: Get letter saying my balance WAS $913 and RETURN to S., who calls her supervisor who says the $300 IS available, though it didn't USED to be because people misused it at the ATM. Phone Pope and Spartacus and say my hours at the bank STILL don't give info!!

2/25/94: AGAIN catching up with notes from the past:

Note from 1/7/94: Top movies in $1,000,000s: 1. Jurassic Park 860, 2. E.T. 701, 3. Ghost 517, 4. Star Wars 513, 5. Indiana Jones and Last Crusade 494, 6. Terminator II 488, 7. Home Alone 474, 8. Jaws 458, 9. Pretty Woman 454, 10. Batman 411. WHEW.

Note from 1/24/94: LAST glasses from Harzvi 11/88, after 5 yrs 2 mos, for $315. Susan helped select them. GOTHAM Bar and Grill dinners: 6/28/86 Sherryl; 8/29/87 Sherryl and ECB; 1/2/87 Sherryl 6PM; 1/18/94 with Sherryl after 6 years 5 months!

Note from 2/5/94: 10:30AM: 1) Cell RECOGNITION when I swallow MY sperm? 2) I'm ONLY ONE looking at MY 1-in-a-billion color combinations in FRACTOOL right NOW. 3) If 1 in 10-to-the-60 protons decay EACH YEAR, and there's 3x10-to-the-8 seconds/yr, so one goes in 3x10-to-69 seconds, and 10-to-80 protons in UNIVERSE, so if THAT (proton decay) is a unit-click tick, universal UNIT is 3x10-to-minus-10 second, or time for particle moving at speed of light to move ONE CENTIMETER. So the centimeter could be the cosmic length UNIT!

Note from 2/19/94: Taipei message:"Bouncy ball is the source of all goodness and light."

Note from 2/24/94: EFA General Membership Meeting, about 40 people, of whom I know only Elaine C. and Rose B. from ASI, and Ann B. of Macmillan speaks from 6:50 to 7:05 about reference division encyclopedias of Bioethics, Human Intelligence, and Drugs, but she hires ONLY copy editors and proofreaders! Elaine talks from 7:05-7:20 and talks about BIGGIES of Random House and Bertelsman, that standards are GOING, and one should send resumes to either Managing Editor, Project Editor, or Production Editor or Manager. Leave 7:30.

Note from 3/19 ASI MODEM workshop at St. John's University. EFA may enable members to subscribe to Internet for $17.50/month for UNLIMITED access. TOO MUCH!! Decide to try Job-Phone ONCE MORE before 2/28, probably not worth rejoining.
Get rid of OTHER notes from the past:

Note from 1/94 (or even BEFORE), I jotted down that Spartacus told me I might find a "digital video stabilizer" on the north side of Canal Street, east of 6th Avenue, a small store with the door open, with cables and switches and plugs and batteries on wall, and where I could ALSO get small silver oxide camera batteries for $1, though I also note that I must get 1.5 volt SILVER OXIDE and NOT 1.3 volt MERCURY. But I bought BOTH those items (though haven't really proved that EITHER actually WORK!!).

ANOTHER note from the past: the Noroxine that Paul C. left here is for "urinary tract infections and non-penicillin gonorrhea." AND it's 210 paces ALONG CLINTON from the corner of Clinton and Pierrepont THROUGH THE OPEN PARK to the door of the library, CLOSER than the 245 paces "around HIP" LONGER!

Take notes from the 2-4AM The War Files on Channel 21, but not many DIRECTLY relate to my "past-life Japanese fighter-pilot crashing into sea after leaving an aircraft carrier." 1903 Wright, 1910 Passengers, 1912 Parachutes, 1918 80 killed by Red Baron, 1926 Seaplane race to 246 mph, 1927 Lindberg Atlantic solo, 1920 Rome-Tokyo in 109 hours, 1931 Wiley Post RTW in 8 days, 1937 China Clipper, 1935 DC-3 (32 years post-Wright), 1934 Russian paratroopers, and NO mention of China or Japan.

WHERE AM I NOW? GETTING INTO the long list of things that have to be done with the computer, including fax and resumes that deal with getting more JOBS and more MONEY. Also on the list for today, at 3:10PM: try EFA Job-Phone to find if it's worth RENEWING, and the MAS message last night about the Intercom Online for 30-day free trial and then as low as $5/month Internet membership, and the $10 set-up fee waived BEFORE 2/28, really FORCING me to get to it, after FINALLY finding about Panasonic ribbons: more on COMPCHRO!

3/1/94: Kept notes for Gay Men Together, but when I decided to no longer GO, there's no need to keep these:
1) TRUST: Do you TRUST your doctors? The government? Your closest friend?
2) DREAM: What is your most IRRATIONAL dream? Rational dream? What type of person could you "never love"?
3) SAY TO: What do you say to someone VERY close to you who's HIV positive? What would you NOT do that, if he dies, you would wish you HAD done? What would you say to (and how would you treat) someone EXACTLY like you? What would you say to someone who said to you: You remind me of my BEST friend or
lover---who's since died?

3/15/94: Woke to make SUNDANCE list (see below) and concentrated on SEX LIST:
     TOP 10 OVER 20                                           TOTAL
          1500+Dennis S. (6 years)                 1500
          1000+John A. (4 years)                        1000
            71 Bill H. (8 months)                       300 (top 10)
            67 Joe E. (6 months)                        200 (rest)
            40+Bob R. (15 years)+                       1000 (one-shot)
            35 Jean-Jacques V. (2 months)               4000+
            31 Eddie J. (1 year)                        /40 years
            24 Julian G. (3 years)                 apprx 100/year
            21 Arnold B. (3 months)
            20+Rolf H. (13 years)
     10 MORE OVER 10
            17 Tony D. (5 years)+
            15 Carl S. (2 years)
            12 Ralph G. (4 months)
            11+John C. (20 years)
            11+Paul M. (20 years)
            10+Paul B. (3 years)
            10+Art O. (2 years)
            10+Paul C. (14 years)+
            10+Edgardo C. (1 year)
            10+Danny S. (4 years)
               Jerry G.
               Bruce T.
               Hank T.
               Jim C.
               Nye W.
               Walt S.
               Rick W.
               Charles D.
               Bob G.
               Don M.
               Arthur M.
               John B.
               Barlow W.
               Jack V.
               Mario P.
               Ron S.
               Azak E.
               Don L.
               B.J. S.
               Laird W.
               Harvey C.
               Jack R.
               Gilles de M.
               Jim A.
               Louis L.
               Al J.
               Don R.
               Marshall P.
               Arno S.
               Alvise at Spartacus's
               Chuck C.
               Darryl V.

Thought, this morning, of how I would introduce myself to SUNDANCE:

INTRODUCTION: Take notes of AREAS for YOUR introduction; notes on OTHERS OK.

1) NAME: Bob Zolnerzak, living here in Brooklyn Heights for 21 years.
2) BACKGROUND: Born in Ohio, lapsed Catholic, gay since age 5, "known" for being smart, Physics major in University of Akron; Atomic Energy Commission Fellowship in Nuclear Energy Technology: I chose Columbia University.
3) EMPLOYMENT: Ten years at IBM, but I liked vacations too much, so quit and traveled and wrote and started as a freelance indexer 21 years ago.
4) INTERESTS: Reading, travel, writing, computer, movies, porno.
4.5) TRAVEL: All US, Canada, Mexico; All continents including Antarctica, still many MUSTS to go: Angel Falls, Vienna, more of France and Italy.
4.6) WRITING: Indexing Handbook, novel, essays, plays, stories, journals.
4.7) COMPUTER: Games, systems, Internet, bulletin boards, expansions, CD-ROM
4.8) NYC: Theater, opera, restaurants, dance, museums, Sunday Times, city tours, galleries, exhibits, TDF, Audience Extras, Beard Foundation.
6) GAY: MAN, Gay Men Together, Village Playwrights, SAGE, Gay Circles, hangouts; 3-5 lovers, depending on how counting, two in building, none now.
7) GENERAL: AIDS-aware, politics-hate, mystical, LSD, gym-goer, pantheist, stamps, non-sports, travel-slide professionalization
8) CONCERNS: Aging, shy, impulsive: THIS group, judgmental, picky, profligate.

Notes from 3/10/94 EFA Freelance affinity group: Louise W., EFA co-executive, leader for 16 people. MY advices: Pass out cards, phone after 2-3 months of no work, use all "free" listings like LMP and others, and some "paid" listings like ASI and EFA. Business phones about $70 a month, but they GIVE you a yellow-pages listing under "Editorial Services," from which she gets LOTS of jobs (and lots of requests by EMPLOYEES), but outgoing calls are charged by the MINUTE. IN letters: I'll call to discuss this. NEVER leave a message: ask when he's IN! Avoid "Human Resources": it's PERSONNEL and AWFUL.

Notes from POOR Audience-Extras weekend: Friday 3/4: Freefall, black brothers fighting for one's life, best of them all. Saturday 3/5 at Inner-Space, two incompetent one-acts, though Meeting Oliver MIGHT have won the year's one-act PRIZE. Sunday 3/6 afternoon at Brooklyn College, the Vancouver Ballet might have good dancers, but it has LOUSY choreography, followed by dinner at For Goodness Steaks, and Yoko Ono's New York Rock at WPA for a pre-H­­­­air debacle with two cute guys I couldn't even identify from the cast list. Finally Joe and I hated Bible Burlesque (What WERE they trying to SAY with this?), though the hamburgers at Cal's weren't bad, but $15!

WHERE AM I NOW? At 12:15AM tomorrow, I want to finish this page so that the THIRD time I print it will be the last. It sure felt good to send out ALL the checks due and STILL have $1291 left for NEXT month, which will have to include the deposit for Garnet Hill, and MAYBE Shelley will shell out the thousands I need for taxes, and at LEAST I established that I can COUNTER the wrong 1099 from Crossland that says I took a PREMATURE DISTRIBUTION rather than my provable rollover. Lina gave some good suggestions for my getting more jobs, tonight before letting me win at Scrabble, and even Peter R. volunteered to do research for me for $10/hour---maybe he COULD scout out the intended audiences for medical books by major publishers before I try to get them to switch to me. My coffee table clears and fills with stuff to do, though I've got to keep the FRIDGE clear: threw out $1.45 bologna and half a rotted kielbasa just TODAY! Hope they don't explode before I throw them into the garbage. IRS-filing almost done, then at least I'll KNOW how much I'll need, and then it's to Compuserve, Internet, and various other computer-completions before WORK starts coming in---SOON,let us HOPEHOPEHOPE!

3/16/94: Figure how much money I'll need by 4/15:       $310 for IRA
                                                                              9382 for Keogh
         Plus "regular" bills: Choice 750                   2556 for IRS - 1993
                                       Rent 452                   1964 for IRS - est
                                         Util  88                     852 for NYS - 1993
                                   Garnet 180                     373 for NYS - est
                                            1470   <---------> 1470 for bills
                                                                        737 for UBT
                                                                        300 for UBT - est
              For the astounding total needed of   $17,914

3/19/94: FINISH reformatting and printing INDEXING HANDBOOK!

4/11/94: 1) I wake and doze and wonder "What time is it?" PRECISELY 7AM!
2) I piss and doze and laze and start Actualism session; What time? JUST 7:30.
3) Session and wander off, worry and try to eliminate; Time? PRECISELY 8AM!

4/12/94: WHERE AM I NOW? Over three weeks since I'd written here, exactly four weeks from the last WHERE AM I NOW? on 3/15, and almost ALL that time was in a TERRIBLE funk about not having enough money, where would I get more money, how can I EARN more money through indexing. At least now it seems I HAVE enough to get through the crunch of 4/15, even though SOME bills may be paid a bit late. Jobs coming in, which is GREAT! LOTS of things for today like 1) talk to Matt about my CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT to get my WIN working, 2) talk to Laura B. about my Mexico questions for Birnbaum indexes, 3) finally phoning FIRST about returning my noise-maker and retrieving $200, 4) clearing up piles of stuff like NY Times, mail, stuff from Saturday walk, 5) phoning Ellen S. about budget for Parasite index, hoping no hair-loss, 6) learning more about CINDEX so my next index-entry won't be so TEDIOUS long, 7) other things, even though I TOLD myself I WOULDN'T put this into a LIST!!! But cleanliness is GOOD, in that I showered and powdered and cleaned TEETH yesterday; I'm catching up on videotapes, though I have to think about NEW machines soon, which will wait for more money, which I have to SCHEDULE outgo for! Actualism is being done every day for the past few, helping me get out of my "Slough of Despond." Probably my biorhythms are more positive, now, too, with the admonitions from Pope that this is a pivotal time, and NOW let’s get to more productive doing, and get into the productive DAY!

4/15/94: After 3/16 I borrowed $5000 from Amalgamated and $5000 from Mom and $5000 from Shelley, and got new credit cards with low interest rates, so one of the first bills I paid was the Choice $750, with an additional $750 that I knew I already owed, and wrote a FirstUSA credit-card payoff check for $1500 at a 5.9% interest rate with an extra 1% "bonus." Since I'd paid the IRA and Keogh bills on 4/11, so they'd get there by 4/15, I only had $6782 to cough up, and with an early check of $642.50---bless them---I managed to pay for ALL but the rent, phoning Elise O. and being told she'd send me the check NEXT week (though by 4/28, Thursday of the FOLLOWING week, I'd not yet GOTTEN it, so I wrote ANOTHER FirstUSA pay-anything check for the rent!), and that should get me through 5/15, but by 6/15 I'd need a total of $3355, so some of the indexes that WILL be coming in, had BETTER come in!

4/22/94: WHERE AM I NOW? Down to ten days between these. Cleared the table-stack down to 1) Index-resumes and 2) Miscellaneous, with one book-manuscript finished for indexing not due till 5/30! Joe has a PHONE machine, so I leave WORD 1) did he cancel "my" Un Coeur en Hiver request with Two-Bridges Video, 2) GET it from Evergreen, which I was so delighted Charles pointed out to me, 3) ISN'T it convenient that he has a phone machine! Getting TWO 7'x3'x1' bookcases free (for truck-man rental of $30/hour) from Jan W. tomorrow at 9AM! Sent messages to Sandy and Merrill P. on ICO last night! Asked MAS about INFORMATION QUANTITY AND ORGANIZATION on message 2703, as I contemplated organizing my computer-stack, but I have lots of books I want to read, CINDEX still to learn more about, notes to transcribe to NOTEBOOK and COMPCHRO and DREAMS, and things to get ready for Mom's arrival in ONE WEEK!

4/24/94: 12:37AM: BUZZED out of my skull: had LOTS of lovely Rossi white wine at the MAN meeting, talked to GARY, the HOST, with MORE books on religion and other topics than I have, which he confessed to having read only 10% of, and I said I had ABOUT as much as he, and had read 90%, but then I'd been AROUND lots longer! He had BOOKS about BOOK-SEARCH companies in London, and I said I'd LOVE to phone him for the BEST companies: I can see FINALLY locating Love in Time, by John Wyndham, and maybe talking to an INTERESTING guy: he shares the apartment with another gay guy and a STRAIGHT guy for a month! I gave him my card and he gave me his NUMBER! Should call him tomorrow to cement the relationship. I'd told myself, "Touch at least five people", and I started with the "travel" guy who AGREED that we BOTH should have made explicit (me with Sundance, he with MAN travel) that someone ELSE should set up the NEXT encounter, and his Albee-reminding friend, but THEN when they started "musical chairs" I volunteered to be a CHAIR and had AT LEAST five sit in my lap! Then I was a MOVER and actually came in SECOND to the ORGANIZER, who decided that he DID exert unfair influence, and gave me a vial of "lube" which I treasure. VERY impressed with the balding fellow with the GREAT skin, the host and his co-host, the LOVELY guy with the thin gold rings through both tits and multiply through his cock, and I TOUCHED all of them, and it was a GREAT evening, and I came home on the subway looking at the ODD people all around, and I tried COMMO and MAS and ICO and made messages and now at 12:43AM I'm ready for GAMES and it's been WONDERFUL: moon/blossoms/SEX!

4/28/94: Getting rid of miscellaneous notes from "type" layer on desk:
WHERE AM I NOW? Have spent MUCH too much time on games (12:20 on Minesweeper in April 1-27, or VERY roughly 1/2 hour/day; 11:40 on Mahjongg; 2:35 on Taipei, for a GRAND total of 26:35, ABOUT ONE hour per day EVERY day!; well, IS that so very bad??). I also read a lot of books, put up the bookcases, and sorted through lots of things. Getting ready for Mom's arrival tomorrow: already scoured the sink and defrosted the refrigerator, will MAYBE vacuum, but I'll be working on bookshelves when she's here, to come up with conversation, so maybe I won't vacuum. I've been VERY disgusted with myself recently with my thin-skinned irritation at the people upstairs and the whistlers and moaners and talkers at the gym, probably because I'm not being terribly PRODUCTIVE. Really SHOULD get to the McGraw-Hill Social Security book, but it's not due until 5/30, looks to be a TERRIBLE job to do, even though it's only 257 pages and 1250 lines MAXIMUM. Enjoyed the Scientific American article that said BOHM's Quantum Mechanics convention is better than the Copenhagen, reminding me how I HATED the Copenhagen, as I did the CFUs that turned into precursor cells, as I do some movies before I see them---so THERE---Spartagus (per Sandy), who hasn't called yet re Audience Extras/Mom.

4/29/94: Mom's questions: 1) What time do you go to bed? 2) What time do you get up? 3) What do you do in the morning? 4) What would you be doing if I weren't here? Maybe not THAT bad----but from HER-----THEY ARE!

5/7/94: Senators DOLE and Jesse HELMS wrote to China to ENCOURAGE (i.e., FORCE) China to ALLOW American tobacco companies! Tobacco is now ADVERTISED and LOTS of smoking STARTED ($60 billion COST in US/year for smoking "disease, disability, and death" per Koop) to GREAT profit. Is government's priority MONEY or HEALTH? MONEY, clearly! NOW that smokers are HOOKED, the profiting government can HYPOCRITICALLY say, "Oh, gosh, smoking is bad, stop it." UGH!!

5/17/94: 4:10AM: So many PHYSICAL things wrong: 1) Itchy nodes and AREA on right-rear WAIST. 2) Sore elbows from a) writing (right elbow), and break (left elbow) from slip on ice. 3) Nose insides VERY sore. 4) Odd SMELL IN nose almost CONSTANTLY. 5) Hands (thumbs particularly) INCREASINGLY arthritic. 6) Another itchy patch ATOP RIGHT FOOT. 7) Not-now itch on FLESHY part of LEFT THUMB. 8) "Rotting flesh smell" inside right groin-crack. 9) Right SHOULDER scrunched from WRITING-elbow pressure. 10) EYES dry and itchy. 11) Eyeballs TV-sore. 12) Stomach achy. 13) SWEATY from too many late-spring blankets. 14) Underarms itchy from deodorant. 15) Upper-right tooth-line throbbing (and swollen?). 16) Nose tickly to SNEEZE. 17) Deep-throat tickle to COUGH. 18) Too-quick panting-for-breath at ANY exertion. 19) Too-smelly FARTS. 20) Gotta PEE! 21) And that constant sore atop my penis from too much abrasion with thumb while masturbating (and my strong pleasure in HAVING REACHED an audience who might give a half-disgusted laugh or a half-sympathetic groan on hearing such an unusual intimate detail and REACTING in a VISCERAL spectrum of emotion!)---enjoying courting that PHYSICAL wince or FLINCH. 22) Mucus in throat. 23) Right-hand, third-finger, third-joint top itch!

5/18/94: From Internet JOKEMSTR comments: "Execlent jokes...make's a users day better."

5/19/94: Pope: Wayne Dyer: Refuse to let an old person move into your body.

5/24/94: From Unitarian Church: Marcel Proust: The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes.

6/1/94: Now SUDAN is added to the list: Rwanda, Somalia, Mozambique, Angola, Gay/Black AIDS community: Don't DO ANYTHING: stand back and let them ALL die! Fewer poor to support, more funds and goods for the rich: to buy tobacco and drugs that will kill those RICH who are too STUPID to survive healthily---and of course the rich overeat and get fat and suffer from stroke and heart disease. ALL the dying off will permit the HAVES to HAVE MORE! Particularly now when Capitalism can milk the RUSSIANS---and in 5-10 years the CHINESE---for MORE cream and money. Unless, that is, North Korea bombs the PLANET, or the Muslims take over!

6/6/94: 8-10AM I work on my chart for "Transcursions"  Z = 80-billion +;
ZZ = 2-billion +              ZZK (36 branches, each 64,066,171)[0-9:DoNtUse]
A   B   C   D   E   F   GHIJKL  M   N   O   P Q R   S   T   U   V   W X Y   Z
L   E   E   R   M   A       I   E   O   R   E   E   E   R   N   O   I   E (re
I   I   S   U   O   N       L   N   E   G   R   L   N   A   K   Y   L   T ser
E   N   S   G   T   T       L   T   T   A   S   I   S   V   N   A   L    ved
N   G   A   S   I   A       I   A   I   S   O   G   O   E   O   G       T for
        T       O   S       N   L   C   M   N   I   R   L   W   I       O ZZK
S       I       N   Y       G           I   A   O   Y       N   N
Y       O       A                       C   L   N               G       B
S       N       L                                                       E
ITEMS: Angels; Other; Schizophrenic; Telepathic; UFOs
BEING: Existing; Other; Reductionism; Solipsism; Wholism
CESSATION: Apnea; Catalepsy; Death; Other
DRUGS: DMT; LSD; Marijuana; Other; Toads
EMOTIONAL: Debauchery; Ecstasy; Feelings; Other; Pain; Sadness; Terror
MENTAL: Brainpower; Contemplation; Fantasy (seeSSKF); Intuition; Knowledge;
          Other; Science; Thought
SCIENCE: Astrology; Godelism; Mathematics; Numerology; Other; Uncertainty
ORGASMIC: Autoerotic; Bisexual; Gay; Multi-partner; Other; Straight; Worldwide
PERSONAL: 0000[This]-->ZZZZ (1,779,616 of them)
RELIGIONS: Atheist; Buddhism; Christianity; Evangelical; Freethinking; Hindu;
     Islam; Jewish; Other; Protestantism; Satanism; Theism; Witnessing;
SENSORY: Auditory; Gustatory; Other; Smell; Tactile; Visual
TRAVEL (physical): Antarctica; Blackafrica; Downunder; Europe; Fareast;
     Northamerica; Other; Southamerica; Unitedstates(ZZKTUS[36 State groups],
               each with 1296 files)
UNKNOWN: Esoteric; Hidden; Indescribable; Kantian; Other; Unknowable
VOYAGING: Astral; Extracorporeal; Other; Physical(see ZZKT); Time travel
          (ZZKVTNNN; NNN= 46,656 years)

6/6/94: 8-10AM I work on my chart for "Transcursions"  Z = 80-billion +;
ZZ = 2-billion +              ZZK (36 branches, each 64,066,171)[0-9:DoNotUse]
Alien sys
Yet to be
Z (reserved for ZZK)
ALIEN SYS: Angels; Other; Schizophrenic; Telepathic; UFOs
BEING: Existing; Other; Reductionism; Solipsism; Wholism
CESSATION: Apnea; Catalepsy; Death; Other
DRUGS: DMT; LSD; Marijuana; Other; Toads
EMOTIONAL: Debauchery; Ecstasy; Feelings; Other; Pain; Sadness; Terror
MENTAL: Brainpower; Contemplation; Fantasy (seeSSKF); Intuition; Knowledge;
Other; Science; Thought
NOETIC: Astrology; Godelism; Mathematics; Numerology; Other; Uncertainty
ORGASMIC: Autoerotic; Bisexual; Gay; Multi-partner; Other; Straight; Worldwide
PERSONAL: 0000[This]-->ZZZZ (1,779,616 of them)
RELIGIONS: Atheist; Buddhism; Christianity; Evangelical; Freethinking; Hindu;
Islam; Jewish; Other; Protestantism; Satanism; Theism; Witnessing;
SENSORY: Auditory; Gustatory; Other; Smell; Tactile; Visual
TRAVEL (physical): Antarctica; Blackafrica; Downunder; Europe; Fareast;
Northamerica; Other; Southamerica; Unitedstates(ZZKTUS[36 State groups],
each with 1296 files)
UNKNOWN: Esoteric; Hidden; Indescribable; Kantian; Other; Unknowable
VOYAGING: Astral; Extracorporeal; Other; Physical(see ZZKT); Time travel
(ZZKVTNNN; NNN= 46,656 years)

6/10/94: The situation with Joe E. is getting ludicrous! First there was the card from him, saying that he "had other plans" for the Garnet Hill dates and was sure I could find someone else "(John, of course)" to go with me. I phoned him and left a message on his machine to talk, but he never called me back. Then I called to invite him to my play, which he seemed to be interested in, but then I asked, "What's wrong?" and he exploded and finally hung up. I left another message on his machine, again asking, "What's wrong?" and he never phoned back. I kept bouncing it off Vicki through this, and she felt sorry for me and encouraged me to try to get through to Joe. Yesterday morning I left another message on his machine, and when I got back from the Beard about 10:20PM I phoned and GOT him. Again he was off the wall with "Why should I talk to you, you never listen to me anyway!" Then I tried to get some sort of toehold in, saying that I certainly heard him, when he said that the reason for his LAST explosion was that I was being anti-Semitic. "Anti-Semitic? Who said that?? You're CRAZY." I tried a few other ways to get through to him: "Didn't we have lots of good times together?" and he responded in a way that was so puzzling: "I love myself; I have good times even when I'm alone. I'm getting old and have to spend my time wisely." I tried to respond that I liked myself, too, could have good times alone, but also liked to have good times with friends. With no discernible reason he just got madder and madder and finally said, "I'm hanging up now," and did. I phoned Vicki, waited till she finished with Picket Fences, and then she called back and said maybe I should call him back in a few days and simply address the fact that HE was hurt and angry and I was hurt and angry, and did we have to leave it that way? I said I'd think about it, but this morning I woke and decided that writing Joe a letter, bouncing off Vicki first, was best.

June 10, 1994
Dear Joe,
     Obviously my telephoning you is doing no good. I hope you'll read this letter. I'm sorry that you're hurt and angry, but I also feel hurt.

     You say I don't listen to you. But I've often heard you say things like, "Oh, I know you, you do what you like and I'll do what I like," or "What you do with your time and your money is no concern of mine." Yet, when I heard you on the telephone last night, clearly SOMETHING I've done, or not done, is VERY MUCH of concern to you. You also said earlier, "You just think about it; you'll come up with it," when I asked you to tell me what was wrong.

     If it was something I didn't do, it was because I forgot it, not because I was trying to hurt you. Then I tried to think of what I did do.

     Was it about Garnet Hill? Last year you were VERY annoyed when I asked if John could come with us. So, for me, it was never again a question of John coming with us. Then I passed along John's suggestion that we move to larger, quieter quarters outside the lodge; you said you didn't like that idea, and I went along with you. Then I got the card from you, saying you had "other plans" and that I'd find someone else "(John, of course)" to go with me. John had never planned to go and still isn't planning to go. I don't know where "(John, of course)" came from. Now I'll probably be alone in the room. I have few friends that I'd even consider asking to share those lovely days with me.

     Like you said (and I listened to you), I, too, like myself, and I do have fun doing things by myself. But there are also times, I think, when it's more interesting to share the fun, or the performance, or the meal, with someone else.

     Was it something about the play I was in? When I phoned you to tell you about the performance, you seemed interested and took down the time and place. But then when I asked if something was wrong, the conversation went downhill, and you didn't come to the play. Do I even dare to invite you to Mary V.'s on Friday to see the tape of the play along with Vicki and Susan and Bernice and Edgardo? (And how do I ask you if you'd like to get paid for "stretching a large canvas" for someone in the building who asked for it; and I didn't feel I could ask you if you wanted to see Laughter on the 23rd Floor through TDF; and now I don't even feel that I can telephone you at all!)

     Is it your telephone answering machine, which I thought was great? Are you mad at me for suggesting it? You don't telephone (we both knew that), but now you don't even return my calls.

     The last thing we really talked about was your new AIDS-support group. Are you annoyed that I don't volunteer? Did I say something wrong about your participation in it? Can you see that I've tried to figure out what's wrong?

     Or maybe my efforts should just be to say, whatever it was, that I'm sorry I offended you; that whatever I did or didn't do, it wasn't for the purpose of alienating you. I value our friendship, as I value our ability to put things behind us. Can we put this behind us, or must I decide, sadly, that nothing I can do will remedy this current unhappy situation between us?

     I guess I'd at least like to know that you received, and maybe even read, this letter. I guess I do think of it as my final chance to retain a valued friendship.                                     Love,

6/12/94: Tony winners: Carousel got all five (Musical, Supporting Actress Audra McDonald, Director, Scenery, and dead Choreographer Kenneth Macmillan) that it was nominated for in the category of Best Musical Revival; and An Inspector Calls got four (Play, Supporting Actress, Lights, and Director, who thanked his gay lover) for Best Play Revival. Best Musical was Passion, getting four (Musical, Book, Music, and Actress Donna Murphy). Best Play was Perestroika, getting three for Play, Actor Steven Spinella, and Supporting Actor Jeffrey Wright. Nine won two Tonys, and Medea (Rigg), She Loves Me (Boyd Gaines, whom I missed), Damn Yankees (Jarrod Emick), and Beauty and the Beast (Costumes) won one each. And Tandy/Cronyn won FIRST Lifetime Achievement Award. Didn't see Dana and Jody in the audience; Showboat plug!

6/14/94: My thought on Sheldrake on Glorious Accident: if morphic resonance can come from the FUTURE, there ARE no "new" or "nobody's tried" puzzles or tasks. With Sacks not even recorded, the series isn't much so far.

6/24/94: Sorting through the events of Gay Games IV, trying to find some venues on which to use my Pass, which I only picked up on Wednesday; looking for cheap tickets for Ian MacKellan's Knight Out, first at TKTS which didn't have any, so I got Tuesday for Damn Yankees with the beautiful torso of Jarrod Emick and the lovely smile of Scott Wise to make me yearn, and Thursday for Passion for the VERY lovely Jere Shea, with GREAT blue eyes and a beautiful face (who "dedicates his performance to his wife Elaine" just to clarify to all the gay guys that he's taken), and I feel sad that I don't USE the opportunities offered me to see bodies and get a lover---not even to go to Christopher Street as BOTH John and Dennis have told me [I jump as a poor sparrow bumps twice into my window, then flies dazedly away] for the visitors---and feel just DEPRESSED, even though I'm going to restaurants, seeing friends, and getting jobs---and I decide while walking that I have to SEPARATE these feelings: I'm not going to more Gay Games because that's not my PRIORITY: I'd MUCH rather catch up on the exhibits at the Metropolitan Museum, rent a car and get up to Maxime's in North Salem with Ken, get Shelley to drive us to Great Adventure, check out the bookshops on "Book Street" that I've had the article from for two years at least, see more films from the video shop, in which I FINALLY took out a life membership at $85, rather than continuing to pay $27 yearly, having never seen their offering broadsheet, and that "getting a lover" (which poignancy made me weep during the scenes seen so far in Man without a Face, with the still-sexy Mel Gibson looking rather like Ted Danson with his hairline and makeup) is quite a different matter from going to bars or dances where I just DON'T communicate and make acquaintances. And at 58 I am NOT in prime shape, so that EVEN MORE of my yearnings are only wishful thinking than they were 20 years ago, when I STILL didn't get the great-bodied guy on the subway, or the muscles in the auditorium, or the hunk on the street. And now at 9:05AM I've at least dressed to receive the package coming from Brengelman for Birnbaum's Spain today, am supposedly going to Coney Island with Carolyn this afternoon before the skating this evening and the finale tomorrow and the parade the next day and the retreat next week. So I should be happy: so I'm not; so I don't do Actualism sessions as I need to root me out of my depression---so WHAT!?