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1/1/01: 2:50PM: Feel I MUST write something with that once-in-a-lifetime date pattern, but there's not that much to say, which is sad. The WEEK was busy with Wild Blue Christmas dinner on Monday; the Met Museum, Village Playwrights, and dinner with Steve C. at Chinghalle on Tuesday; the Bronx Zoo for the lights with Sherryl on Wednesday; JNF House for lunch and O'Neal's for dinner before The Merry Widow on Thursday; the Beard lunch followed by a sick-making gym interlude before my sleep test on Friday; but on Saturday I only caught up with videotapes and watched Don Giovanni between many telephone calls, watching the incredible foot of snow falling, getting out only to try to rent THREE tapes from the video shop but finding ALL the current ones were already OUT; delaying getting the Times until Sunday morning at Key when I shopped, getting eggnog and egg salad for my New Year's treat, and then started FreeCell at 2:30PM out of depression that I had nothing special to do on THIS TRUE MILLENNIUM-CHANGE DAY, not even finishing scanning last year's Millennium tapes to make a copy of the best bits, but finishing Endurance (which I'd started 12/12), and listening to the count-down of classical music on WQXR, stopping FreeCell to listen to the end of #1: Beethoven's Ninth at 11:05PM, getting up to the roof to hear NOTHING from any South Street Seaport fireworks, too far from Prospect Park to hear those, and only desultory shouts of "glee" from the streets below. Then down to finish the "great evening" with Taipei until 2AM, getting to bed until 10:30 this morning, watching videotapes of last night, changing the calendar page, and going to the gym from which I just returned. Fred's party awaits in an hour, then I start in on the stacks on the table: returning the CD-ROMS to the Library on Tuesday, getting my Pacific trip started, ordering my camera, finishing up my Lifelist for 2000, and getting back to my usual "life" at the end of the holidays, with lots of lunches with Mildred on the calendar, no message from Paul C. on any future visit, and no indexes probably for a number of months. Then there's the book/play activity that I've been putting off, and in the back of my mind is going through the Africa 24-hour tapes to generate a good synopsis video of that. Then the January check on where I am on Cadman Plaza waiting list, starting my retirement telephone calls, and hopefully using the scanner, which sits staring, waiting, on my desk, gathering dust. Rather gloomy start TO A NEW MILLENNIUM AT LAST, waiting to see what occupies my time NEXT!

1/12/01: 10:55AM: Yesterday I went to a great fixed-price lunch with Mildred at Bouley Bakery, using the last of the 60-hour Comtrex effect to protect me from my cold at the dentist's and lunch, but got home at 4:30 and felt like doing nothing more than crashing into bed for a nap. Didn't sleep, and got up at 6 to undress and put up blinds and take all pills and a cough drop and try to get to sleep at 6:36PM. Can't sleep, so I read New Yorker from 7:13-8:40, when I take an Ambien to try to sleep. Can't sleep, so I get up at 10:15 to j/o and watch TV until 1:05AM. Then I cough and cough and cough and cough, trying alternatives of raised pillows and lying on stomach, and finally get to some kind of sleep and pee at 5:35 and cough some more, even after taking Nyquil. Finally wake at 10:15 and get out of bed at 10:30 to phone Audience Extras to find nothing of interest and phone Mildred to tell her she saw me 4 days after my last haircut at Cafe Centro and it was 6 days after my haircut that she saw it yesterday. This to 11.

1/18/01: Astounding notes from Sythian Art at Brooklyn Museum yesterday: 1) Winged, feathered man with FINNED feet: bird, fish, AND man! 2) "Herodotus tells us that one year after a burial, a kurhan was encircled with a ring of 50 sacrificed attendants, impaled upon their horses." (And THOUSANDS of kurhans, many unexcavated.) 3) Scylla with four DOGS as legs: so an eight-legged SPIDER! 4) Quote from a Spanish-accented viewer: "B.C. means "before-----?" I left home at 10:25AM after making Beard reservations for Ken and me at 10AM, and getting my index delivery at 9:30, and see the Gold from 10:40-12:20, then get attracted to the "Nardo" reunification of a Madonna with its top-part Christ and walk through the Italian art section and modern bits to 12:45, then quickly through China and Japan and India and Korea to Robots and Space Toys, which is from a Brooklyn private collector, to 1:25, feeling tired, and get groceries and pick up lots of mail and get my new camera in two boxes in front of my door, so there's lots to do and think about before going to The White Devil" with Charles this evening. Then have the THIRD CONSECUTIVE frustration dream which I record until 10AM on DREAMS1/18/01, and think to transcribe THESE notes now at 10:10, figuring to not have breakfast before my 11AM dental appointment since I was so full last night at midnight from Cafe Lafayette. Still so TIRED on getting up after 8 hours sleep, and THINK I may have had sleep apnea on waking from the "stomach-constricting" agony of the last dream, but of course I haven't had results from my sleep test which is now almost THREE WEEKS AGO. At least my retirement seems to be official as of THIS month, getting my first check to my checking account the fourth week of February if all goes right! Less than I'd thought, but then I was hardly going to continue earning $70,000 as I'd done in 1999, the last year they had a record of. Hope I don't get TOO hungry later!

1/29/01: 8:30PM: Adding to PAGE 45 of what will become NOTEBOKC when I get to page 100, having spent most of the past two days FreeScanning the pages, and then finding that I HAD pages 1-11 preserved on a Bernoulli on 5/20/99, so I used THAT as the source of NOTEREPL, and added each page, spacing correctly, and in some cases allowing a wider margin because I'd inadvertently let pages N and N+1 be wider, and at LAST IT'S FINISHED! But I just did THIS so I wouldn't finish the condensation of the Ring, which I'd planned to do instead of throwing out books, finishing editing my Indexing Handbook for Alibris, putting Gain ON Alibris, or getting my plays produced. Couldn't even pick up The Director from Mildred at lunch today because she HADN'T read the "mountain-climb" section of Act III, though I gave her Facades anyway. And haven't gotten back to Shelley (who finished Gift of the Alien without liking it, and wonder if I should give HER anything else to read, LIKE Facades, which I hope Mildred WILL return tomorrow---or the next day---or SOMETIME this week---at lunch). Wish I didn't have such a STRONG feeling of "coming down with something," and MUST go to the gym more often than every SIX days, as now!!

1/30/01: 10AM: Bed at 1:45AM, wake maybe 7AM and jerk off without resorting to bands or VCRs or bidis, then fall back to sleep and have a WEIRD combination dream that I'll record on DREAMS:1/30/01. REALLY "stoned" effect!!

1/31/01: 9:35PM: Certainly a lot of NEGATIVES today: 1) Tried condensing Wagner's Ring by copying videotape SS, but then played it back to find the picture was BOUNCING UP AND DOWN. Tried at different positions, different recording speeds, even with a NEW copy-to tape, and it was ALWAYS THE SAME. So I can't copy from MY tapes. 2) Went to Marty's to see if he had any operas, and he DOES, but not the Ring. 3) Checked Marty's stack and shelves and he didn't have ANYTHING that I remembered I wanted, except that I DID check back and find that I DID want Five Senses, though when I looked at the box it didn't seem familiar. 4) Wessell-O'Connor gallery only had not-very-erotic white flowers by van Dongen after Charles and I walked over there. 5) Despite my certainty that it was the Lexington Avenue line that had eliminated uptown local stops while the stations were being remodeled, it turned out to be the BMT line that I chose, so I had to change to the Lexington with a phenomenally large crowd waiting for the uptown local: clearly they don't schedule more trains even though everyone's using it for the uptown local stops, just as they permit a train to zoom past hundreds of passengers on the 65th Street station following the after-midnight conclusion of Aida last night, but when I get down to 42nd to switch to the express, the expresses are running on the local tracks, so it may have been an express. But why couldn't the NEW train have its "2" designation on the blank window displays? Then yesterday there was that catastrophe when ALL the elevators seemed out of service, so they directed the trains to BYPASS STATIONS! Wonder what the uptown-bound people did at Wall Street?? 6) Mildred decided to be mean at lunch and ordered Charles's entree and dessert, leaving me with fewer tastes. At least he's not coming tomorrow. Then she ordered a martini and complained that I hadn't told her I was ordering champagne for Charles and me. AND wants me to launder money for her! But if it pays for my trip, maybe I'll do it. She did NOT bring either play back. 6) Shelley called yesterday to meet for lunch and return my play. I said we'd try to do it early next week. 7) Just as part of the list: letter from S. saying we have to TALK about my apnea test---looks like something MIGHT be wrong! NOT happy about it. 8) STILL haven't gotten my "home-office" tax forms, even though it's been eight of their "ten days." 9) STUPID icky-plastic "Personal Organizer" from AMEX, and I WILL cancel their "bargain" club as soon as I receive my rebate from my mailed-in $20 slip. 10) Patricia STILL hasn't called about my plane tickets, even though MONDAY she said she was going to do it then. 11) Still no notice about the February 10 MAN, which is cutting it pretty close! 12) At least my NOTEREPL is working nicely, even though it didn't handle lightly printed pages in the least bit encouraging way, making the chore of scanning my old notebooks more of a re-transcribing job, unless I try to super-dark Xerox the pages to make them work better. 13) Still haven't gone for groceries, though the milk is souring and my fridge is getting empty. 14) They still haven't cleaned up the hallway downstairs to make it cleaner for the display of my books for anyone who wants them before throwing them out. 15) Still laboriously playing about a dozen games of FreeCell and the "cycle" of all the types (8 of them?) of Taipei to "waste" time. And now at 10:15PM there are fewer than two hours left of January, and I'm going to TURKEY in February, which didn't impress Mildred, who still is going to fill my head with why I should accept a "gift" of $10,000 from her, just as she gladly accepted both Charles and my loaning her $100 each at lunch today. 16) At least I've managed to get another page completed. 17) Fred hasn't called back for my commentary about Aida and his Met seat with the craning-neck woman in front of him. 18) Charles hadn't gotten home when I called Mildred about our previous dinner at Union Pacific, so I'll just save the note when we meet for lunch on Friday. 19) Can't think of anything to make the list end with an even 20) at end of page. 10:50AM: Actually GETTING THINGS DONE: 1) called S. AND appointment, and got an appointment for Tuesday 10AM, 2) got a call from Paul, who may be in town Friday through Tuesday of next week, 3) checked Audience Extras for nothing going, 4) checked American Museum of Natural History that's open till 8:45 tonight, 5) left word with Lloyd C. for a Xerox copy of Love in Time for $100, 6) left word with C. at Amsco for more indexing work, 7) finally got groceries yesterday, 8) caught up on videotapes. NOW FOR BREAKFAST!

2/8/01: 7:45AM: CHANGE, COMPROMISE, AND ACCOMMODATION: All seem somehow easier and more life-enhancing now. Stemming from two simple decisions made just a few minutes earlier, life and planning and DOING seem more reasonable and flexible: 1) Since I went to bed at 11:30PM, feeling tired after having gotten up after only 7½ hours' sleep yesterday morning, and felt quite like getting out of bed when I went for my second night-urination at 7:20AM after my first night-urination at 6:50AM (which is problematic in ITSELF), I decided to get up at 7:40AM, after 8 hours' sleep, figuring PART of my "needing 9 and 10 hours' sleep" was SLEEPING for 9 or 10 hours and then having trouble GETTING to sleep the night after having had SO MUCH sleep, causing me to feel that I needed MORE sleep when I might actually benefit (feel better) from LESS sleep. 2) Simply decided to PUT ASIDE my stamp-books and catalogs and envelopes for a few days while I got rid of the piles of stuff on my table: a) Indexing Handbook there for weeks, having not finished readying it for Alibris, b) Gain still WAITING for Alibris, c) Springer-Verlag index-one waiting for four days already, d) Springer-Verlag index-two needing to arrive today since it didn't arrive, as thought, yesterday, e) SS data conflicting about whether I get my first check for January or February, f) Medicare card needing color-Xeroxing for a copy to carry with me daily as recommended reasonably by Arnold, g) HIP vs. AARP added-to-Medicare plans which SHOULD be compared thanks to Mildred's suggestion that I was assuming my "$50 from Medicare monthly ONLY" would DUPLICATE my current HIP coverage, which glancing at the tables cursorily last night shows would only be so IF I PAID $40/MONTH EXTRA as Arnold does, h) St. Martin's 1099 to correct, i) senior-subway-card to apply for now that I have my card, per Arnold, j) get glasses readjusted and bank deposit to be made and small shopping list of i) bathrobe, ii) window blind, iii) alarm clock, which I still need even though I don't have to get them before Paul arrives tomorrow, since he ISN'T arriving tomorrow, k) Grand Circle China-visa forms to look at in conjunction with my travel plans, l) Smartinput to call about tailoring a sale of their AlphaSmart 3000 with what I want rather than with their two "I don't need either" plans, m) Dale to phone about 2/22 dinner. THOSE two decisions, so simple to make, enabled me to look over two OTHER decisions: 1) a closer one, TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT GETTING RID OF BOOKS: in the past, books helped "define" me as intellectual, well-read, experienced, and I ENJOYED showing off my full bookshelves; in the present, I want the space to put OTHER things (souvenirs, collections, hoards) onto my bookshelves, even as I'm finding myself reading LESS (content to keep up with magazines, fewer books that I WANT to read), AND I can simply count which books are taken from the downstairs table (14 out of the first 30; 7, so far, out of the second 23) with amusement, AND delight in seeing free space on shelves (which I can fill with my about-to-burst table-side bookcase contents). 2) a farther one, TO FEEL OK ABOUT LIFE'S TERMINATION: in the past, I wanted SO much more: people, books, places, events, experiences, thrills, meals; in the present, I have PLANS for more things, and WILL have plans for more things, but IF I FOUND I HAD A LIMITED TIME TO LIVE (whether it be one year or one millisecond), I think now, more than ever before, I feel "Oh, that's too bad, but it's OK, I've LIVED a good life, DID what I wanted to do, HAVE what I wanted to have, so though I might rather it be LATER, it's not THAT bad that it's now, since I've BEEN living 'as now' for the past few years, and it's been good, and I could continue with it, but I'm not LACKING anything (EXCEPT HAVING PUBLISHED!!!!) that I really wanted and it's OK to be going now!"

2/27/01: 1PM: Took Ambien last night at 11PM after getting to bed at 10:10PM and tossing and turning without able to fall asleep. THAT did the job, getting up only at 5:45AM to pee, feeling GOOD! Up at 6:15, no pill-hangover at ALL, though I still feel TIRED. It's LIGHT out, unlike the last three days when I got up between 4:30 and 5:30AM. Had breakfast at 6:30, hungry for it, and lunch at 11:30AM, hungry for IT. Picked up the laundry and delivered the index yesterday to get ahead on my list, which still includes 1) pack, 2) shave beard, 3) check to Cadman, 4) Terry got index? 5) record phone tape, 6) milk to John and "get Times," 7) shower (questionable), and 8) schedule a car. Learned the camera last night, did the pills, set the TV-VCR with 21½ hours, called Spartacus, finished Anna Karenina, and checked that I HAVE a window seat behind the wing on the flight out. Wanted to get THIS out of the way before starting on other things. TRAVEL:TURKEY

3/22/01: 5:45PM: Mostly finished with the incredible flurry of THINGS to do on returning from Turkey last Saturday. Just finished the journal, dream-page excerpts, slide-description pages, and calendar-page updating. Still two indexes to do before I leave and what I hope will be the last night of jet-lag sleep to get through. Hope to have enough energy tonight after the Mark Morris program to have dinner with Charles at Henry's End, but he's been warned I might have to flake out. Got the 20 rolls of film from B&H at 5PM this afternoon, so that leaves only the slides to return with Express Mail before I go, except that I have to renew my Pravachol prescription. Got to the gym at last yesterday. Still hours of VCR recordings to watch, but at least that's as energy-conserving as possible. Would like to continue this, but I just don't have the strength; mainly wanted to get the last slide-page (5!) out of the printer.

3/28/01: 10:24PM: Just finished adding my TURKEY 2001 TRIP page 27 and printing it out. My Turkey slides were delivered Priority Mail for $3.50 rather than in my Express Mail envelope, which would have been more like $15. Camera working well except for close-ups (and light BLINKS for that!) and over-reliance on flash. Made note to get spare battery, since I AM using zoom a lot, and flash, and have been through 8 rolls already and will take 10 to Mexico, though I hope I won't use them all. Mailed the Springer index Saturday, she probably got it Tuesday, but on Tuesday she called to say author demanded repagination! I said I was going away, sorry! Made a list on Saturday: 1) vacuum and scrub, 2) pick up laundry, 3) HIP ID correction, 4) Pravachol and Q10 and lecithin order, 5) record phone message, 6) shave beard, 7) clip toenails, 8) Tucson Net for trip, 9) gym, 10) wash dishes, 11) Turkish Airlines: knife, and I LOST the ticket-folder that had the SPECIAL number, but I can always call the AIRLINES and get it again, 12) set VCRs, 13) get cash, 14) tell John 2 Times, 15) glasses adjusted, and 16) pack, not mentioning picking up 3 NEW brochures from Patricia at Cadman Travel today. Feel TIRED: slides unexpected and took lots of time, so it's good Mildred did NOT come over for dinner! Did all list but 5&7&16, made out the expense list, packed TWO hats for cold and sun, took a few more shirts than before, and seem better organized now at 10:30PM. Had 6 hours of TV tape to watch if I had time, but will probably go to bed as soon as I get most of the packing done, though that seems to stretch out longer and longer as I try to think of everything to organize BETTER than I did last time. Depressed to think that "at this time tomorrow" it'll only be 8:30PM, and I'd hate to feel as tired as I feel now. Letters still to mail and garbage to take out before getting into Fred's taxi for $22 at 8:45AM, but glad I e-mailed Susan (who responded with her phone number) and I can't find WHERE I read we were stopping at the Bisbee Open Pit! Readjusted the black-case shelves for the last TWO trips left this year and put a file-box out on the table for THIS trip. AND read that I have a 31-day grace period on the Long-term bill due 4/10. Just hope my Visa check for $1500 GOT there---just phoned and it HASN'T YET! Oops!

4/21/01: 1:50PM: Just finished printing out the Copper Canyon trip [TRAVEL:COPPCANY], photos, dreams, and summary page, and want to clear that so I can put the items into the datebook, so I'm writing this. Even though I spent ALL DAY yesterday indulging in catching up with videotapes (with still a few left for late-night watching), I STILL feel pressured by the items to be caught up with from the trip. Been putting off the index, but since I estimated $800, it should only take eight hours, which I surely have between now and when I'm supposed to mail it in on Tuesday, and if it takes more money it'll have to take more TIME! MAN tonight (after going to the gym to shower) and Sherryl's birthday-tour to Garden City tomorrow, where I hope to take the last 5-6 photos on my last Copper Canyon film roll. Still have all the "gimme money back" letters to write to Grand Circle, American Airlines, and Amtrak! Not to mention C. on Monday and the dentist on Friday. Still stacks of other stuff on the table to do, though Charles is willing to try Groliers and Dahesh exhibits on Tuesday. Things WILL get done! Just a strain to write more, so I'll print this out as enough!

4/23/01: Notes from Garden City tour: train arrives at 1:35, 6 minutes late, and sign is ACROSS platform. There's an EXODUS to the john as Jeffrey talks under shade of platform to 1:55. #32 Garden City Episcopal St. Paul's Cathedral, #33 Bishop's house (both built by Harris) at 2:25. #34 15-years-unused girls’ school. #35 Former "apostle" house, now Garden Club at 3:50. #36 and #37, my library, to finish off the roll of film. We took the 4:20 train, back at 5:10, dining at Jerry's.

4/26/01: Note from 4/23 sleeplessness: FUSS over 1) HIP messing up T. appointment, 2) LICH billing $500+!, 3) HIP billing $500+!!, 4) Computability index a TOTAL mess. 5) GCT, AA, and Amtrak complaints pending! So I take an Ambien to help me sleep at 2:25AM, but WAKE at 7AM and UP at 9:15, feeling OK.

5/6/01: 5/3 notes from Kum Gang San: amazed by SIX starters: 1) kimchi, 2) warm soft tofu in good soy-based sauce, 3) tofu like a cheese-pizza-form, hard, 4) bean sprouts, 5) pickled kale (?) leaves, 6) tuna salad with bits of corn. Then comes a bowl of good SOUP, then the large tray with SEVEN compartments: 1) green salad with ginger dressing, 2) two California rolls dipped into golden sea urchin eggs (?), 3) a central condiment-serving of ginger slices and two kinds of marinated radish: one long and red, like an apple paring; the other elliptical, more like turnip-texture, 4) LOTS of beef, the choice of the lunch-listing, 5) rice, 6) Chinese noodles, 7) a round fish dumpling and a Chinese fried dumpling. Then the unasked-for dessert: three bites of cut honeydew on its rind, and two halves of a deeply red strawberry that may have been soaked in something for softness and flavor. With my plum wine tasty but a bit overcharged (given the lunch comparison at $7.95) at $4.50, the bill came to $13.48, so I added a $2 tip for a grand total of $15.48 for 15½ courses! Typed 5/4 notes from watching Nova's "Billion Dollar Bet": Is the house they used in Greenwich on my slides from Essex? But the answer, clearly, is no. The subject was the dynamic hedging scheme of Long Term Capital Management (LTCM), comprised of Robert Merton, Myron Scholes, and Someone Meriwhether, whose debts exceeded 100 billion dollars! $1.25 TRILLION list. Federal Reserve bailed out LTCM for $3.5 billion, and in 12/99 they REPAID bailout money and CLOSED DOWN! Note from 5/5 after watching Wit on 5/4: told Mildred, who told me to phone Charles, but his line was busy twice. In the first fifteen minutes they read the Donne poem, Vivian Bearing's teacher emphasizing the COMMA at the end of the poem, saying "Death shall die," indicates the PAUSE between life and LIFE ETERNAL, which explained the comma over the "i" of Wit AND the nudity at the end of the live play: symbolizing her resurrection to life eternal, which had been toned down to a mere photo of her coiffed, smiling face at the end of the television HBO version directed by Mike Nichols and starring good Emma Thompson.

5/7/01: 10:45PM: Catching up on NUMERous restaurants the past week: Daniel's lunch was QUITE good for the price: the pea soup over-green and tasty; my lobster-salad risotto nice enough but Mildred's duck much better; our chicken very tender and tasty in an intense gravy; she had her martini and I my light sweet kir; and they mistook my dessert order for the warm chocolate upside-down cake and MADE me eat my mistake, after which they brought my walnut cake, which was light and quite good, more like a light-fluffy pudding than a cake. Numbers of unduplicated petit-fours we shared unevenly, and she had her expensive coffee. The room was unrecognizable, but the "old crowd" apparently doesn't come anymore. The wait-staff was charming, and they kept my water glass filled. Denizen for Saturday dinner was a disaster: the chef had obviously left, because the menu was uninspired. They hadn't moved additional tables outside yet, but then I would have had to put up with the cool breezes and the cigarette smoke from all around; yet inside I had to deal with the most hideous music possible: starting with jazz that noodled tunelessly with piano and dithering bass until a swooning saxophone joined in with what seemed to be the same ill-placed notes in each piece. When I thought it could get no worse, on came a country-western song in which the guy succeeded in sounding worse on each song than he had sounded in the song before. They didn't have the appealing white merlot, and the red wasn't that great, but it was only $6. The asparagus soup was cold and uninspired, without a trace of consistency---or inconsistency, for that matter. The beef fettuccini was unique in that I hope no one has to ever eat such a thing again. I asked for the check and they didn't even seem to CARE that I didn't inquire about dessert. I was way early for the play Uncle Bob, which may have been why I got a sixth-row seat, to be the closer to the Jack Benny-ish Morfogen and decidedly unattractive Gale Harold from Queer as Folk, who went up on his lines two or three times and ridiculously contracted AIDS in order to give himself to his adoring uncle, whom he seemed to detest. Not REALLY believable, to put it ironically! Sunday I determined to go to Natural Restaurant, managing to catch the F-train just after I got off the A-train, which was nice, and found the dumpy place on 88 Allen, and got placed at an empty table for 8-9 that thankfully remained empty except for me. AGAIN I couldn't find the ox-tail soup with anise, or the Peking pork chops on the menu, so maybe the cook changed HERE, too, but there was the egg and pork on rice, the price REDUCED from the review's $3.50 to $2.95. I tried to ask if the portion was small, but their English was smaller and she said the egg was all over the rice, so I figured I could order another dish for a budget-shattering $7.95 if this wasn't enough. With tea free, out came an ENORMOUS portion of rice covered with large pieces of pork which wasn't more than 25% gristle and fat, and what may even have been TWO eggs, with copious yellow coloring the rice unto the very edges. It was VERY good. I ate and ate and ate and cleaned the plate except for the remaindered fat-and-gristle pile, and accepted the check for $3.20 and left them a VERY generous $4, for the tea? Out in less than an hour and checked ANOTHER off the list. Then, just today, a triumph: Meli-Melo, where the $33 prix fixe included the foie gras terrine, from which I scraped the lower fat, but it was preceded by a WONDERFUL hot "gift from the chef" of a half-dollar-size inch-high cauliflower mousse that was VERY tasty. The foie gras was topped with---tomato sorbet?---sweet potato puree! With nice bits of green and three crisp toasts; and it went nicely with the DARKEST kir in captivity. Then the asparagus soup in a gallon-tureen, of which I finished about 1/3 and turned the rest back, saying it was wonderful but I COULDN'T finish with room for the rest: an intermediate amuse of codfish croquette in multiple sauces, then a STACK of baby pheasant, all four pieces heaped on a sausage that was from some other animal, atop braised cabbage, atop a roulade of bird's-nest-textured French fries! ENORMOUS portion, that I managed to finish mostly, followed by three HUGE balls of mango, blood orange, and raspberry sherbet with sugar antennae supporting blueberry eyes AND a never-before-tasted PEACH CHARDONNAY ("It's sweet; it's from California!"). Tip $10!

5/9/01: 10:05AM: Gradually catching up: now that I finished and printed the new restaurant list last night, and was finally watching the last two series of videotapes for Queer as Folk and The Sopranos, and had completed the last index waiting on my table, I typed and printed my last dream on DREAMS:5/8/01 and now record my listing of the 40 messages I got off Juno on 5/6: 17 jokes from Rita, three weekly updates from Travelzoo (one for "3 countries, 7 nights for $699 in Europe" that I tried to access but couldn't). Two porn messages instantly deleted, and singles from Vicki, Carol T., John B. from the Turkey trip about Mustafa in the Grand Circle bulletin, Edgardo, Bill C., Carolyn with one of her trip-hops for me to proofread, and Susan with photos that I could barely see, climaxing with four annoying ads from Juno. Plus a couple that I missed, since that total is 33 and I DID have 40. Also on 5/6 I started ANOTHER do-list since there were so MANY things preying on my mind: already transcribed the 5/6 dream [DREAMS:5/6/01], added my Wit observation, and talked to Mildred. Have yet to 1) find my birthday ride from Fred, 2) buy blue jeans, 3) talk to Patricia about hotels and insurance for South Pacific trip, 4) talk to Patricia about a possible Vienna trip with Ken in August, 5) try the Internet for travel bargains to Vienna, 6) renew World of Video, 7) clear off the HIP pile, 8) try to get a refund from American Airlines and 9) Amtrak on the Mexico trip, 10) send off a second batch of "take from my checking account" forms to HIP, and 11) figure the final Mexico expenses with Fred, happy that the fifth box of slides arrived Monday, having not been with the other four on Friday, and still have to concern about little things like 12) cutting my toenails and fingernails, 13) plucking ear-hairs, 14) getting a haircut---the last four of which I just added to my do-list. Today is already lined up on my desk: go to the gym, meet Mildred at 2:15 at Lupa for lunch, go to The Play About the Baby with Ken tonight. EVEN THOUGH I'm watching lots of TV tapes, have jerked off to my contentment, and am going through my restaurant list like a dose of salts (something's wrong with that analogy!), I still feel PRESSURED to do what I HAVE to do, rather than what I WANT to do, like 15) sorting through the pile in the bookcase, 16) going to the Met Museum, and 17) just ENJOYING the spring before it turns into the summer---the first TWO of which I added to the do-list! Sadly, the Met OPERA (and City Opera) have ended their seasons without my seeing two or three of the evenings I wanted to in each, but it's OVER and the programs have been thrown OUT, which can't be said about the card complaining that I haven't gotten the 2/26 bill from Springer for $620, nor have I gotten the appointment with Dr. T. that is now pending since the beginning of the year! KNOW that I'm paying $45 for my 60-day supply of Pravachol, but I don't know if that figure's RIGHT. Not to mention that I'm not even THINKING about sorting through my Turkey and Mexico slides to come up with a show, or getting the strays together for another showing of the "Seven Continents" show. JUST hope that I'll get MOST of the immediate things done (ignoring the fact that I want to get the FIRST three Scott catalogs to bring my collection "up to date" with the LAST three that I got earlier this year) before I have to leave on the CHINA trip and accumulate ANOTHER stack of things that have to be seen to before leaving for what may become an AUGUST trip that I don't even know anything about yet! Immediate, immediate, immediate! When I just want to RELAX and enjoy things as they COME, rather than as I stack them on my table. Now all I need is a few more indexes to require large amounts of time, or more days spent enthralled by FreeCell and Taipei, or more videos from Spartacus like Sex in the City and Oz, which I haven't gotten yet. Then Spartacus CALLS and I talk to him to 10:45AM, getting close to the time when I HAVE to have breakfast to digest enough to get to the gym before meeting Mildred for lunch. Also phoned Pope at Cobble Hill and his MESSAGE was still working, so if he returns to the same room he'll get the same phone---but I'm not yet up to calling his new number at Methodist Hospital in case he hasn't moved back yet. But he takes about an hour a day out for complaining and asking for things I have no intention of bringing him while he's in the hospital. END!

5/14/01: 3:20PM: Reluctantly stop FreeCell to jot these lines from "Jerusalem":
Bring me my Bow of Burning Gold
Bring me my Arrows of Desire!
Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!
Bring me my Chariot of Fire!
I will not cease from mental fight
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.

Copied from part of the Blake exhibit which I saw from 12-12:30, just before eating a sandwich in the Sculpture Court and just after standing in line from 10:25 to 11:25 for the Jacqueline Kennedy exhibit, which I exited at 11:55AM. Look through the "coming attractions" and find nothing of great interest until the Breughel, which ends December 2! STILL no telephone calls from my desperate messages to Sarah F. on what to do with the index, and to Fred about a dozen items. Now it's 3:30 and I have to shit!

5/19/01: 9:25AM: Having finished my dream on DREAMS:5/17/01, I have enough steam to describe my disgust with myself yesterday for playing FreeCell for hours, long enough to build up my winning-average from a mediocre 83.333% to a now-highest 83.362%, finding that in my 20,000+ games, each win builds the percentage by .001%, so without losing any game, it should tip over (to 84%) at 83.500%, which is only 138 games away, not bad, considering some ridiculous days I play just over 100 games. Finished that about 12:15AM, not late enough, so I went through a cycle of Taipei, finishing that up about 1:20AM and getting into bed, hopefully tired from a day at the gym, and then finally sending a reply to Frank K. (which I'd given to myself as the only TASK for the day), but instead I finally finished ALL the VCR tapes, went to the gym, talked to Fred about final Mexico-trip finances and possible ride to birthday party, and finalized the rijstaffel for 7PM with three people when Mildred frustratingly canceled out but Java obliged with "one and a half rijstaffels" for the three remaining, Vicki to pick up me and Spartacus here about 6:30. Then couldn't sleep much: about like last sleep-apnea test, looking at clock every hour until about 4AM, then seemingly dozing off enough to have a remembered dream before waking at 8 and lazing until 9:10 when I got up to shit and piss. Took last of World of Video tapes back on Wednesday to finish THAT stack off for a bit, and today wait for Ken to give word about the rescheduled trial that'll affect any possible Vienna trip, and just realize that this would be the last reasonable day "next week" that Tony would get back to me about coming over for the first time in a year and a half. John's leaving tomorrow, his last remaindered 35 Senior books came back to him at $2.50 each, and he's looking forward to Istanbul. I'm starting to worry about the ludicrous 5+13 hour’s flights (NYC-LAX-Shanghai) on the 27th, which admittedly aren't as bad as a previous FOUR-step flight: NYC-LAX-Hawaii-Auckland-Melbourne, or a previous THREE-step flight: NYC-LAX-Tokyo-Bangkok. At the gym yesterday I get again the old feeling: everything's going FINE, why aren't I HAPPIER? Finishing restaurant old-lists, editing porno tapes, talking to Tony again, five trips again this year, indexes to do, HIP not bugging me yet about billing-from-the-past, lots of plays being seen, museums and galleries pretty much caught up with, reasonable do-list before China trip (having decided NOT to take videotape!)---and life just SLOWING DOWN: not reading much, only keeping up with three subscription magazines, not OBLIGED to read on each subway ride, not OBLIGED to jerk off more than once a week or longer, getting MUST-DO things done, like laundry out later today, starting pile on table for departure in nine days, no rotting food in fridge, clothes closet reasonably up to par with only blue jeans to get a spare of, managed to trim off my fingernails with my remaining good teeth, and maybe soon to get to LAST of last-trip piles: HIP information! Yet have to add another: file overflowing to-be-filed souvenir stack, bringing THAT 5/6 list back up to SEVEN. And will I EVER wash my seven-year's-dirty windows? Lots STILL to do!

5/26/01: 6:08AM: Just wrote the top of DREAMS:5/26/01, reporting muzziness from lack of sleep. NEAR PANIC on Thursday at 9:30 when I put on my bathrobe to go down to pick up the Springer Diffusion book to find it needed an AUTHOR index as well, and there were 59 pages of references and LOTS of internal author-references! Steve P. wasn't IN that day, nor was Terry in authority to say anything about anything, so I worked without stop 11:25 hours on Thursday, foregoing a cancellation for the wait-listed Beard dinner from Atlas with Ken, saying I wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING on the Vienna trip because of it, and 11:20 hours on Friday, canceling lunch with Mildred at what she called the mediocre Angelo and Maxie's, but managing to get a haircut and talk briefly with Charles, whose mother died; Carolyn, who can't put up Edgardo's son and girlfriend; Mildred, who called back to see how I was surviving; Fred, who just got back from a trip and wanted to check seats on the plane, assuming I had the number; Pope, wanting to see if his phone worked; and many times with Steve P., who left me a message at 1:45 while I was getting a haircut and picking up my socks without my ticket. But the longest-lasting task left on my do-list (aside from packing, of course) is washing dishes, so I seem to be in pretty good shape, although I'm TIRED now and will be EXHAUSTED by sunset tomorrow in Shanghai!! Now at 6:14AM this seems sufficient to finish and print. TRAVEL:YANGTZE

6/29/01: 7:40AM: Note that this is the first notebook entry in over a month! Can't resist registering my disgust with the information I've gotten from watching the videotapes from my Yangtze vacation: 1) the poorness of Nureyev's choreography of his 1972 film of Don Quixote, barely worth watching except as a record of him at his height of dancing powers, doing only those things that he felt most comfortable doing, with obviously lots of rest between successive leaps and spins and balances; 2) the goodness of Juan Diego Flores, from Peru, in his American debut in the Philadelphia Opera's Italiana in Algeri, seemingly flaunting his sexuality with a prominent crotch-bulge, with a wonderful thrilling new tenor voice that I'm tempted to follow around the world; 3) the disgust with American money-grubbing from the Frontline report on the California electric-power outages last year, promising to be worse this year, caused SOLELY by the amalgamation of distribution by Enron (and the monopoly of natural-gas distribution with Elpaso), middlemen ARTIFICIALLY introduced into the supply-demand cycle by, mostly, Texans, supported now officially by the despicable current president, whose face I cannot bear to watch when it comes simpering onto my screen, whose only purpose is to reap profits from the poorer American public by a NEW method: monopolizing the supply of "natural resources" to hike the prices above reason, confident that the "regulator"---the Federal Electric Regulatory Commission, or whatever FERC stands for, with kingpins appointed by the Republican powers, obviously getting a cut from everything, who baldly LIE when they say they're "for economy" when they're only interested in getting as much money into their pockets as they possibly can until an irate public finally forces whatever government they can muster to their support to close down such egregious examples of money-for-the-sake-of-money---will uphold his policies; 4) more disgust with the sanctimonious Taliban, reaping enormous profits from the opium they baldly state they've destroyed, which they're paying the farmers "only a bit above a crop of wheat" and then pocketing the tremendous profits from selling the drugs to other middlemen, taking their cut in all governments, including undoubtedly our own, to sell the drugs at an outrageously inflated price, thanks ONLY to our money-grubbing attitude that "drugs aren't good, and should be controlled," which means ONLY putting as many of the profits into their own pockets, and damn the lies of the producing governments, the profits of the innumerable middlemen before it gets to the common criminal who steals from the very poorest to support their habit, which has already been PROVEN to be eased if it's controlled by reasonable distribution of drugs as it is in the Netherlands, England, and other countries except our religion-dominated OWN. Jerk off from 7:07 to 7:37 this morning and [continued at 7:50AM]: find my brain occupied with writing THIS after the bliss of a long-prolonged orgasm with the "perfect" bidi gently depositing its ash automatically into the tray on my chest, and the rubber bands at a perfect degree of pressure for the orgasm and conveniently removable at the climax. I think: let the Afghans THEMSELVES control their rulers by uprising against the ludicrous restraints of the Taliban; let the Americans THEMSELVES throw out the money-grubbers in government: I hope for a reaction AGAINST the "compassionate" government---which only turns out to be tiresomely "conservative," which means that the usual profits reaped from the poor in innumerable ways goes, as usual, into the same enormously wealthy pockets of the same few in government---"regulation," big business, "control organizations," and vested interests---vested in the interest in the stock markets and the continuing tolerance of the middle Americans for their shockingly insensitive (witness the new tax bill, giving billions to the top 4% of American richies, taking money from the lowest classes) Republican government, which, in fact, THEY didn't elect, but which was put into power by a treasonable (if treason be any crime against the American people) Supreme Court by a 5-4 vote, against the obvious Democratic win with the PEOPLE---. DISGUST, DISGUST, DISGUST!! Is it any WONDER that I choose only to observe and comment, devoting my energies to selfish restaurants, travel, slide-shows, typing such as this, and IGNORING the examples of Mary V., working with the New York homeless; the people in the Consumer Groups (so far) vainly fighting the government monopolies of power and profit; the good people in Afghanistan who have to be "protected by their government" (just wait til we hear that they've been assassinated, probably by their "protectors" at the behest of the government, who OF COURSE doesn't want them to succeed). Add to that the unfathomable tragedy of the murders in Nepal, REGARDLESS of who did them and for what reasons; the continuing rape of the environment documented in SO MANY Channel 13 specials, condoned still by the opportunistic Republicans and their associated profiteers; and my current trouble with HIP, caused by people "tending my account" who just don't CARE what happens to my truth in the paying of my bills. Now to try phoning Dr. C. at 8AM to see what can be done about 1) my AARP prescriptions, 2) Rohypnol for my plane-sleep, 3) my blood tests. 1:40PM: THEN EVERYTHING WENT BUSILY ALONG: 1) Phoned and GOT C.: a) both Gemfibrozil and Tricor are for reducing triglycerides, and my test showed that I was way down at 116, and he said I could KEEP ON with Gemfibrozil until it runs out, and then he would gladly answer AARP, phoning, to renew my Tricor prescription. He said that my LDL was still high at 122 and the HDL low at 46, should be 100. And liver OK. b) Rohypnol is a restricted substance, and unless I had SEIZURES he couldn't legally prescribe it to me. I moaned, but he was adamant. 2) phoned AARP to renew Pravachol, which should come in the ten days I have left before the trip. 3) phoned Ms. Fa. in Florida after leaving messages with ORA A. (though there IS a Mr. A.) and CYNTHIA Fr., though I never found if there WAS a Lorraine Fr., and SHE said she'd look into it. THEN Shawana H. called, and gave me her DIRECT number: 212-216-7112 (which was dialed by others MANY times while we were on the phone!), and explained that I SHOULD have paid $274.32 for 2/15 - 3/15, and $144.32 for 3/16 - 3/31, a total of $458.70, SINCE I WASN'T ELEGIBLE FOR HIP VIP UNTIL 4/1!! Then SHE made a mistake and subtracted $191.22, which included my $40 for APRIL, leaving $267.48, which would go up to $387.48 including my $40 for May, June, and July---but that it would take until August 5 to get me into the direct-pay system, so $467.48 will be taken out on August 5 for the PAST and for the month of August, and THEN $40 would be taken out each month! I worried about "no payment by 90 days after 4/19 statement" but she said she'd PHONE them and MAKE SURE I wasn't canceled from the plan. This all ended at 1:10, then I phoned Mildred to make sure China Grill wasn't until 2:15, and finished typing this at 1:30, desk full of papers, sweating despite the air conditioning, and printing this full page out before I cover up and leave. TRAVEL:VIENKRAK

8/7/01: Think this is just a few days after 6/29, then realize this isn't 7/7 but 8/7!! Got through the days before the penultimate trip of the year, and then the heat-ridden trip to Vienna and Krakow 7/9-7/23, and even managed to recover from THAT. Had a pile of stuff on the table "to do" that got up to the low teens before I started "doing and doing and doing," and just a few days ago it was actually CLEAR, with lots of "pending" items relegated to the top of the calendar, where they could be taken care of as the time came up. Managed to do a few Actualism sessions that cleared up things, though I was still unconscionably irritable with Mildred at lunches and even Sherryl and Charles at the Museum of the American Indian on Sunday. But was pleasantly surprised yesterday morning when I phoned O.'s office to make an appointment for a shot for my heel-spur when she said I could come in at 1PM! Waited there till 2:30, then decided to do some errands on the way back: 1) went to the hardware shop and bought a ten-foot metal belt and connecting bolts for my expanding-to-death bookcase, 2) found in the THIRD place a MEN'S heel cushion as recommended for me, 3) found in Duane Reade the old-fashioned reliable Flair pen for my indexes, restricting myself to only one, since their supply seemed so "steady," 4) got groceries, including sinful 7-oz. Hershey bar and salted pretzels, both of which I CONSUMED while watching TV last night! WHICH reminds me that I knew I was catching up to date when I not only finished the stack of VCR tapes from the past but ALSO started going back to Marty's, which I hadn't done since DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR! Managed to get tapes at the last minute, including yesterday when I had to go to the gym, change tapes, and eat breakfast before leaving for my "1PM appointment" with O., but not getting there until 1:15 on the half-hour subway to the Eastern Parkway center, rather a pain for many of my "specialist" visits, including the two-week follow-up with O. that I tried to make this morning but the computer was STILL down and I STILL have to call them back. Delighted with INDEXES coming in! 1) St. Martin's calls with a ball-buster of Serbian names with all KINDS of accents, about which I leave word with Amelie (who sounds like a MAN) L. with questions at 9:30, 2) Springer still with the long-delayed one, and 3) Watson-Guptill with Woman Cartoonists, not to mention the wondrous 4) return of Holt Rinehart with four upper grades! Susie is back on the call-list when she finally responded to my two e-mails, and managed to contact some possible bed-and-breakfasts for Edgardo's kid's visit to NYC in October. AND Patricia called back so I could clarify the NYC-Oman-Guilin-Hue May 2002 possibility with Fred and me, but I have to call her tomorrow about the 1) rightness of flying Vienna-Krakow and 2) two good hotels. Called Sherryl just now about our meeting in room 3P of the Beth Israel Medical Center for her bone-scan (which always panics her, and she probably won't go to Chez Louis with me and Charles afterward, which I can change from 3 to 2 later). Got a balance that I didn't understand from HIP, and even phoning the new number doesn't clear it up, but I DID have another ATM withdrawal for about $120 which might somehow clear up the $77 difference, so I put that all with my account information to get THAT out of the way when I can't do anything more about it. Will take in the two prescriptions on the way to the BMT subway for Sherryl at noon AFTER getting two new tapes to watch tonight, AND tear off the book-get list which is sitting in the printer for four days now, because I just don't get to THIS sort of typing that much anymore: DREAMS seem to have gone down in frequency. WANTED to write a page about how my attitude toward BOOKS has been changing: when I was younger I READ to pass the time, now I do FREECELL to pass the time---it may be as simple as THAT. Take magazines rather than books to read on the subway because I don't read AT ALL on trips anymore, relying on puzzles to get through the airline-wait and just SIT on the trips on which I can't sleep, without the interest or energy to even read. Finally put the Calvino Tales on my night table for when I can't get to sleep, but I didn't do any of that since the first night. And have to get RID of lots before I move, so I'll have room on my shelves for more STUFF from trips, freeing filing cabinets for OTHER things, and have LOTS of clear up after I print THIS out!

8/18/01: 8:45AM: GREAT ADVENTURE of 8/17! Check my lists and I went TEN times already: 1) 74 with Ron, 2) 76 with Don and Dennis, 3) 79 with Dennis, 4) 79 with Edgardo and Marina and Sandra, 5) 81 with Susan and Dennis, 6) & 7) & 8) 82 & 84 & 86 with Actualism groups, 9) 95/7/10 with Shelley, 10) 95/7/12 with Susie and cute family, and now 11) with Susie (and Charles was busy and Carolyn had been there last year and didn't want to go). Got the 8:05 NY Transit train from Penn Station to Metropark/Iselin, met Susie 8:50, to Safari 9:50, good animals and few cars, out 11:10, getting hot. To park 11:25, onto line for 1) Dino Island "virtual reality ride" WITH Susie at 11:35, in 11:46, out 12:05 to go to johns, then 2) red Great American Scream Machine, smooth with lots of curves and upside-downs 12:12-12:22, NO line at ALL, sneaking ahead for a single seat, lunch at expensive Nathan's: I for chili dog for $5, she for hot dog for $4, we split fries for $4, she buys water for $3.50. 3) Rolling Thunder 12:52-1, VERY bumpy and rough compared to metal machines, 4) newish Medusa, lime green, lots of twists but again very smooth, fabulous-looking torso on line ahead of me, 1:05-1:22, 5) Susie joins me on Runaway Train 1:30-1:47, we go across park on 6) Gondola 1:49-1:57, I do 7) in-dark, no-upside-down, twists-but-not-great Skull Mountain 2:05-2:13, lots of screaming kids, 8) blue Nitro, new for the year, 230 feet high, seven "camel humps" way out into the Pine Barrens wasteland for the best ride of the day 2:16-2:34. I take time out to drink lots of water---I'm SWEATING fierce---and shit, feeling slightly queasy from the rides, no more upside-downs for me! 9) Big Wheel with Susie, fast around, good views, sharing with black family of 3, 2:50-3:06, 10) Dive Show 3:10-3:23, two GREAT bodies, but woman does the 90-foot dive, and by this time I'm desperate for some ice cream, so have a black-and-white milkshake with vanilla float for $5.49, tastes just GREAT, DAMN the expense, and we're looking for the 4PM Water Show but 11) Houdini House attracts us and it's a WONDERFUL illusion of turning upside-down in room which we BOTH love, but it's 3:50-4:10 and we've missed the water show, so we sit on a shaded bench overlooking the lake as the boats churning up rooster-tails speed past and other boats pick up the floating boxes from the show and geese natter at each other and some red-eyed ducks preen their glossy green wings before us, chasing the females away angrily. Then I say I want a beer, so we watch the Flume riders not get wet and each pay $5 for a glass of draft beer, robbery but it's what's needed, then stroll to the 12) Water Show 5:50-6:18, with flashy effects, explosions, gunfire, motorboat up ramp through ship-facade, cannons blasting two "holes" in front of fishing shack, balls of fire from the left-house so enormous we can feel the HEAT up in the 12th row where we're sitting, and again two GREAT bodies with cannonball shoulder-muscles who stand around to greet the audience after the performances. Good synchronized action to the pre-recorded voices and sound effects. We're both tired, so we leave at 6:30 and find the car easily at 6:39 and drive to station at 7:37, where I find that the train comes at 7:42, so she doesn't have to find us a place to eat (aside from the "gourmet" Hilton Hotel at Short Hills which has gotten good reviews [which she says we're not dressed for], and aside from Rutt's Hut [which is too far to the north and which she says she wants to eat at, but only at another time, maybe with Charles and Carolyn along, since she's not hungry AND is tired (she said she conked out in bed at 8:30PM!)]), so I go to the platform and a luxury train arrives, but I can't talk to the conductor because he's moved to the next door, so I sit in a wonderfully expansive and comfortable window seat in the almost-empty car, worrying about reserved seating, and realize I'm on an AMTRAK train, on which my NY Transit ticket is obviously no good! Sit clutching my bag, looking unobtrusive, and NO conductor checks for tickets and we pull into Penn Station at 8:03! Subway home and get EIGHT messages: 1)2)3) from Stephanie at Tech, who IS sending me the book for 75¢/folio "or more", 4)5) from Spartacus about my canceled 11L viewing at 1:15, 6) from Mildred about lunches, 7) from Bert Y., who didn't get my e-mail to James S., 8) from Vicki worried about Sherryl. Talk to Spartacus 8:45-9:45, have dinner, play FreeCell to 11:30, and collapse into bed.

8/27/01: Notes from Le Cid by Massenet on VCR last night: HER father insults HIS father. HIS father demands he kill his insulter. He DOES, then REGRETS when he sees HER sorrow. (He didn't EXPECT it?) SHE demands her father's killer's DEATH. Oh, it's HIM? No matter, KILL him. But the enemy's trumpets sound at that very moment, though the king seems to blame him. "Put your life in pledge"---kill enemy and come back to die. (Imagine ENDLESS CHAIN of "blood for blood.") She: "YOU taught me my duty: vengeance." He: "All of you is noble---even wanting to kill me." Father: "I'm too old to be strong, so I want to die, kill ME for him." So son kills papa? SHE kills papa and he kills her?? [Interrupted by ballet to love and spring.] She: "Which of us suffers more?" She: "But you're going to GLORY by dying for country." She: "If only someone ELSE---had killed Dad." She: "I demand your death---then I'll off ME." They: "What sorrows our fathers caused us." She: "Avenging God---" [Avenging GOD??!!] She: "Oh, you're going to DIE???" She: "Return as a hero---then I'll demand your death. No, I'll FORGIVE the past. Oops, I forgot: 'No pity, no pardon.'" Male battle-chorus: "Hell is a lie. Might makes right." Battle-ballet becomes houri-dance---oh, they're sexing before dying in war. Chorus: "We're gonna win." He: "You're outnumbered." They: "Let's flee!" He: "Let's sleep and forget: 'Let the Angel of Sleep tonight get you ready for the Angel of Death tomorrow.'" St. James appears. "Your prayers have reached heaven. Yer gonna win, kid." Father: "My son is dead?" Long lament. "He died serenely---in battle. Giving his life for King and people. My pain is great, but my pride is greater." Oh, the deserters arrived. "I'm so happy he died for his king." She: "He's dead? I wanna die." Wait: VICTORY! Blacks in chorus sing: "He killed Moors." Cid: Conquerer. "May that name be ever his---NOW kill him." [King: "Now you'll marry MY daughter!" Cid: "Shit!"] She: "I can barely stand. [We can barely stand her either.] King: Repeat your promise and I'll obey. [She: Kill him. King: Bitch; OK.] She: It's shameful to kill him and shameful NOT to kill him. Cid: So I'll kill myself [She: No, I'll do it for you, crying all the while.] He: If I hadn't loved you, I wouldn't have had to kill myself." She "Father your soul in heaven has forgiven him. I love him." [How convenient she heard her father from heaven.] MORE arm-waving ballet. Second half only 50 minutes. Paris premiere 1885, New Orleans 1890, NYC 1897, Chicago a few years later, next DC in 1998. This was 4th season with Domingo as DC Artistic Director, this recorded in 1999 and copyrighted 2000. Truly laughable opera!!

9/2/01: 10AM: TWO notes to transcribe: "Nothingness" can go MANY WAYS:
PROBLEM: When I "got completely caught up" by getting the LAST item off the "do-now coffee table," by putting the metal band around the bookcase so it wouldn't collapse from too many books again, I inadvertently set up TOO MANY CONFLICTING "next things to do:" 1) CLEAN: vacuum, wash windows. 2) Get rid of National Geographics now in a stack leaning precariously against a bookcase, but this task is ENDLESS. 3) Put Pope's stuff AWAY, but the only thought that comes to mind is to incorporate it all into the "big saved-box under coffee table." 4) Clear BOOKS away from stack on table, but try to SELL them or just throw them out? 5) Work on "non-slide-show" slides, which is the most APPEALING task to me at the moment. 6) Play FreeCell, which is what I've been doing for the past few days. 7) Watch TV tapes/update lists/get more porno, which I've been doing in a slight case with Dennis's tape. 8) Read, which was the "idle hour filler" of the past, but isn't really compelling now. 9) Jerk off, which I did once, but can't do it more than every few days now. 10) Do new-index-work, which essentially REPLACES the "last item on the coffee table." 11) Write Play, which came to mind partly in a dream [DREAMS:9/2/01] last night, but since it's so pertinent to the current situation I'll describe the genesis of it here and then sort of "start it" on the next NOTEREPL page. I'd done Actualism a few times to "clear the decks," but nothing came to mind except the hitherto-unexplored area of PROBLEM, above. Last night to bed at 1:30AM and a) had the dream, b) had the insight in the dream, c) had the insight on waking, and d) had the ADDED insight on thinking about writing about and DOING the real PLAY: Red--Robert--me. White--William--Bill P./Jonathan Pryce--wit. Blue--Boy(d)--sexy "victim." Insight #1: "This" is how I'll start the play tomorrow. Insight #2: "This" is how I avoid "nothingness" of "being caught up." Insight #3: "This" is how I get soul-kissed by a sexy actor. DREAM: A large group: sort of a combination of my friends, Village Playwrights, and SAGE, is putting on a show in two parts. This is the day before the show, the final rehearsal, and I still don't know what I'm going to present, so I (Red) suggest that Bill (White) and sexy actor, rather like that cutie Malcolm G. from Actualism, TALK about what we'll do tomorrow, and then it hits me: Insight #1: THIS is how I'll start the play tomorrow! Then another act goes into rehearsal, but it's interrupted by a large-screen TV in the background that's tuned to some local station, and it comes on with an AD for the next two days' performances, and I feel congratulatory toward whomever had the thought, the time, and the money to put the ad together and put it on the TV station. Dream segues then into the night of the first performance, and I'm gratified, thanks to the ad, that there are more people in the audience than in the casts of the various one-acts. It also seems that I'm in one of the plays in the FIRST part, being on a boat that's coming to land with a group of settlers somewhere, and I have a BIT of the "Oh, God, I'm in a play, but I don't remember my lines" feeling before I WAKE and think ruefully: "Oh, this is how, in the past, I've solved the problem of 'being caught up': writing a PLAY!" And then I continue to think that this WOULD be a good play for Village Playwrights, and something to impress Mildred with the idea that I could write EMOTIONS, rather than just gay situations, since this would deal with attraction, the problems of aging, the sexual feelings that really can't be expressed and what happens when they ARE expressed, and also get me BACK into writing, which I've been away from for just about two years, while I've been involved with this incredible number of trips I've been taking! Now 10:20AM and I'm ready to start my day by reading the Sunday Times, having breakfast, and getting ready for the call from Charles about attending Wigstock starting about 2PM. AND debating whether to take my videotape, for which I'd at least have to recharge my machine and find some empty tape, which I guess I'd DO, even though I might not decide to actually TAKE it.

9/7/01: 11AM: WHERE AM I NOW? Spur seems to be getting better when I don't USE it, but I'm still worried about 40-day trip. Fred just called: HE sent me the Archaeological Tours booklets, saying there are about FIVE that he's interested in, which is true for me, too! He'll be in tomorrow and we'll talk then. So much for my "last trip" bliss! CLEARED AWAY Pope's stuff into the cardboard file-drawer in the RCA box below the table, leaving ONLY that and the reel-to-reel tape machine underneath and NOTHING on top. Filed LOTS of slides yesterday, leading me to ALL the trip-souvenir stuff yet to be filed on SHELVES, so I've got to get rid of MORE books. Through LOTS of National Geographics but still PILES to go. Interested in looking through "male" and "non-show" sections of slides today. BUT NOW I've got to have breakfast!! Pity Logitech scanner ISN'T working: COULD one of the bulbs be burnt out and can be replaced?

9/17/01: 9:40AM: WHERE AM I NOW? Still getting weepy about the World Trade Center disaster: it's possible that I never really got it out and it'll come out in a flood when some detail hits with the strength of, say, the massed messages-of-hope on the apartment-house wall across the street from the fire station on 13th Street. GOT to get back to some kind of normal today, which I'd been saying for a few days now: NOT turn on TV, SIGN UP for cable now that my reception is totally ruined after the WTC antenna went down---though it DID occur to me only a couple of days ago that I could always circumvent the alarm on the roof by going out my bedroom window up the fire escape to the roof to tend to the antenna there, put the newspapers scattered all over the living-room floor away, go to the gym, pay the bills that are two days late now, and get back to doing SOMETHING, whether it's slides or National Geographics or getting ready to clean the windows. Now feel it necessary to summarize the events the World Trade Center disaster created in MY life, from the DAY ONE telephone call at 9AM from Spartacus, saying "Turn on your television," and I grumbled about the earliness of the hour, but then asked what was happening, and he would only insist "Turn on your television." Turned it on and it didn't WORK, which caused me concern: had I changed some control, why wouldn't it work NOW when it had last night, was I too sleep-addled to see something simple that would make the TV work? "Then turn on your radio." WQXR was still playing music, and when I turned to AM I could get only ONE station that was saying something about a plane crashing into one tower, and then Arnold gave a gasp and said "Oh, no," and that was when the plane crashed into the SECOND tower. I tried turning on the TV itself, but somehow started at Channel 4 and went upward, maybe dialing through too fast for any channel to make itself known, but when I turned off the VCR inadvertently, Channel 2 came on and I began seeing the images which will haunt everyone for the rest of their lives, right up there with the Challenger disaster and JFK's funeral. We sat on the phone and watched, through pauses for peeing and making and eating breakfast, thinking that if we were cut off we'd never be able to phone anyone, and just wanting to BE with someone, however the format, at this awful time. So we sat together during the collapse of the two towers, for which I was grateful he was making an 8-hour, followed by ANOTHER 8-hour, videotape for me. Finally decided I had to get groceries about 3PM, and hung up. His phone was interrupted by Pope, saying he'd tried to get me, but since I don't have call waiting he interrupted my call to Spartacus. Others interrupted, but we stayed on the phone. I tried calling Mildred but first the recorded "All circuits busy" message came on, then only the "circuit-busy busy signal." Went out for groceries, since I NEEDED milk and bread and feared panic-shopping or lack of transportation might sell out Key Food, and stopped by the Promenade to see only smoke coming from the site and knots of people talking to each other. Did NOT see the "festive mood" that Spartacus described. John came over later to say he'd GONE to the Promenade in time to see the first tower collapse, but it produced a smoke-cloud that obscured anything else from his point of view. Terry, on the other hand, from Jersey, reported on Sunday (when he called to see where Sherryl was) that from HIS point of view he saw EVERYTHING and was VERY pessimistic about horrible next escalations in the battle and consequences for NYC. NO real panic-buying at Key: it was crowded, but not overly, and shelves were full. I stocked up and paid $42+ for three bags of groceries: half-emptied they lay on the kitchen floor for two or three days as stunned TV-viewing took priority. Shelley phoned while I was at Key Food and seemed VERY emotional, offering ME consolation but seemingly needing it herself. I refused her invitation to dinner at Park Plaza at 7PM because I was starving for LUNCH now at 5PM and it just wouldn't fit. But I told her she could call me anytime. Mildred phoned and said Virot would be open tomorrow, but I couldn't decide what to do yet. Sat mesmerized in front of the TV until 3AM, at the end playing FreeCell from 12-3 and turning whenever some new bit of amateur video with horrific new views of the airliners was played, then got into bed with chilling thoughts of what the people in the airliners must have thought and felt, what the people in the towers thought and felt, and figured I would NEVER get to sleep, so I got up about 3:15 and took sleeping pills, falling asleep but waking about 8AM with a headache, which left after an hour or so. Again on TV, but even this early people said, "We must get on with our lives," and I talked to Mildred about "the younger me" who would be eager to ride into the city to see what was what, even in the mere act of riding the subways, but the "older" me who just wanted to sit home, but after another "get on" message I decided to go. Walked through a very smoky-dusty 2-line platform at Borough Hall, heeding Spartacus's advice to figure Clark Street WAS closed and to go to Borough Hall directly, and a train [continued at 10AM] came quickly, almost empty, and I got out at Grand Central, which had an enormous police presence and lots of tourists (or New Yorkers) snapping pictures as if THIS might be the next monument to be destroyed. Rather felt like rushing OUT of it (found later that a bomb threat had caused it to be EVACUATED around noon that day!), and discovered that Vanderbilt Avenue was blocked off by police cars. Virot was almost empty, but Mildred showed up and we had a decent lunch and the waiter unbent enough to serve us freshly baked madeleines for dessert, compliments of the chef. Subway home eventlessly, full, but felt I HAD to accept Shelley's invitation for dinner with her and Ben at Clark's Corner, though I only had soup and a taste of her humungous pork chops. Got to bed somewhat earlier and managed to sleep before even really starting an Actualism session to quiet my thoughts. Oh, yes, a glance at my calendar reminds me that Carolyn dropped over earlier, having visited a friend nearby, and we went on the Web to find that Susie was willing to go anyway (after a first message posted at 8AM Tuesday, from her, before the disaster), and we decided to meet at 8:10 at the High Street Brooklyn Bridge station, since the A was reported to be in operation. But it wasn't, so we had to walk over to Jay Street for the A, which was going LOCAL on the F-track, making endless stops for endless times at East Broadway and Delancey and Second Avenue, etc., where the train yesterday simply zipped from Borough Hall to 14th Street, someone from the car ahead flashing a picture of the dust-covered bins and benches at the Fulton Street station; thus we were at Penn Station at 9:15, missing the 9:10 train, having to wait till 10:19, getting to Summit at 11, where Susie wasn't in the Summit Diner, but she showed up, we had huge brunches, viewed a birdless, dried-up Great Swamp and an impressive Raptor Trust, had a good dinner at Marco Polo in Summit, and go the train back while I feared something happening that would trap us in the tunnel or under the river. Long train ride home and more TV. Friday I phoned Charles, back in town last night, and called Audience Extras and decided Love sounded like the best bet (an awful play); the only notable extra was the actress coming up to us as we dined afterward in the Cafe De Ville, thanking us for staying throughout the horrible performance, their first since the disaster; they'd opened last week and had been meant to be reviewed on Tuesday, but of course they didn't play, as Broadway in general was closed Tuesday and Wednesday, opening only Thursday with tantalizingly possible cancellations for The Producers had we the wit to think of it beforehand. Lots of people on the street, though we avoided the candlelight ceremony at 6:55 at the theater, echoing the enormous throngs at Union Square we saw from 13th Street returning with loads of books from the AMS dumpster he'd seen on the way over. Heartburn that night caused by tomatoes, Charles suggested, and didn't have heartburn Saturday night when I had a meatless Linguini Alfredo (is THAT the name of it?) at the Jewish My Most Favorite Restaurant after we found that Triomphe had stopped serving after an interesting, though long-winded, production of The Skin Game (by Galsworthy, though I could find no reference to it in my Britannica) at Common Ground off Times Square, which the A-train DID serve Saturday night, but took me to Jay Street, where I complained to the men in "the tower" at the end of the platform, but they assured me that the A returning to Manhattan would stop at High Street, and after a long time it did, but I got home at 1:15AM when I would have been here by 12:05AM, at the latest, if I could have gotten the not-available 2 or 3, which I was surprised to see on the TV last night at Jackson Diner will actually be OPERATING today, so maybe the tunnel hadn't collapsed, though someone said they wouldn't want to go through the first few times. Games Group was fullish at 8 yesterday, taking some time to talk over people's reactions, but I still came home and read the Times before going to bed around midnight. Thankful that WQXR continued playing music "as an escape from the grimness" and I listened to that more the last few days than I'd watched TV. Now, at 12:30PM, I'm recording the mess-up by NOT having a listed appointment with Dr. T., having lost my legitimacy somewhere between C. and P. and S. and T., and NOW can't find my NOTES on it!

9/19/01: 7:30AM: Getting the first set of HRW pages yesterday sure jolted me into a new reality: 1) did a complete Actualism session last night after reading a WHOLE BOOK for the first time in ages (and a good one: Faber's Under the Skin), 2) made a call-list of people to get in touch with, 3) put away the stacks of National Geographics from my living room into my dining room, set up for resumption of discards at any leisurely time, 4) girding up for HRW by determining to go to to see about replacement head or new device to scan in old HRW index for my analysis. And now I just want to DO!

9/21/01: 12:30PM: Charles didn't make me very happy last night when he said that "someone insisted that the next strike would take place today, Saturday." And now it's just more than halfway through the day and nothing's happened YET! Woke this morning after a wonderful dream in which someone was sucking me off, and I was VERY hard, and came ONLY after LOTS of morbid thoughts about the World Trade disaster, which prompted a good Actualism session in which I rediscovered Wisdom, which led me to the WONDERFUL thought of e-mailing my book manuscripts as files in ATTACHMENTS to Rita in Florida, maybe Lina in Massachusetts, and Vicki upstate in case anything happens to NYC, though Vicki assured me she thought SHE was at ground zero ANYWAY, but "by coincidence" said that her daughter-in-law Donna suggested there were two e-mail sites which were useful for storing documents. The other remarkable coincidence was turning on Channel 25 to verify that it was still (somewhat) Channel 13, and seeing Armim Ansay (or whatever his name is) being interviewed by Bill Moyers, and vaguely wishing I could read his e-mail, and then phoning Lina and leaving only a message of concern about how she was, and Vicki, who agreed sending files was a good idea and she actually found how to save an attachment to a specific disk, one of which could be a zip-file which she wants, in exchange, me to help organize for her, "maybe around Thanksgiving vacation." Then phoned Rita and talked to her and hawkish Paul for a bit until they confessed they were already late for a dinner engagement (at 11AM?!) and we'd talk tomorrow, and then saw that INDEX.DOC was a Word-like document of 829 pages that I put in an attachment to an e-mail to Vicki which took about two minutes to transmit, at which time I got new mail and the first message from Vicki was a copy of Ansay's letter! Phoned her immediately to tell her about that, she told me she'd send Donna's addresses, and I caught up with the mail, played some FreeCell, and then decided I had to write this page before going off to the gym, having FORGOTTEN it yesterday in my compulsive National Geographic readings, and NOW I decide I SHOULD take $30 or $40 to Pope, since I'm really NOT that busy and feel better about DOING ANYTHING now that these feelings are out of the way and I've managed to get through the first death-ridden orgasm (why do I feel SO self-conscious now about the idea of Rita and Vicki and Lina HAVING these files, since they certainly won't READ all of them---that's just the way it IS!), and I've already recorded the gym-day today in time for MAN tonight, which is convenient. Maybe I can even drop the tapes off at Spartacus's if he's home, on the way to Pope's, before I take the bag to the gym, before coming back to start the ASME index, one of about five I seem to be committed to before the trip: two ASMEs, Camilla's and Terry's, and the big one of two from wherever it was, not to mention one that may have fallen through the cracks, and I'm still resisting recording the "fact" that I'm getting $2000 late next week for the May 25th bill which is FINALLY being cut NEXT TUESDAY, but I can't be sure of the amount and my accounts until I GET the check, which I STILL hope will be before I leave for my October 10 trip, which I hope I don't get any MORE fearful about, since I think lots of my troubles getting to sleep and, more particularly, getting BACK to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, which I'm thankfully doing less and less now that I'm drinking more and more before going to bed, and I can now print out this page and do more National Geographics and more index-work and go to MAN and talk to people and finish things off before the bomb, the virus, or the water-borne disease carries me off!!

9/29/01: 11:30AM: Had a panic attack a few nights ago when I woke coughing and COULDN'T stop, and feared that I'd gotten some kind of germ from the smoke coming from the site, which I STILL smell, though now it seems tinged with a touch of rottenness which could only be coming from the still-present rotting bodies in the sixty feet (maybe in the ensuing week down to fifty feet?) of wreckage. Lots of people last night in front of the firehouse on Sixth Avenue when we were on our way from HERE to Home, from Bacchae to dinner, brings traces of tears still. Started counting down the days to my 40-day trip: down to TEN, countable on fingers, with lots of things to decide: pack in my duffel bag to accommodate snorkel and flippers? take my camcorder? what to take to read now that I've caught up with magazines? when will Fred return my calls to see where I'm staying eleven nights from now? when will I pick up the tickets that Patricia called yesterday to say were there? And then indexes: finished the ASME index only minutes AFTER the messenger arrived at my door too-promptly at 1PM yesterday; have not yet gotten return phone calls from either Francine or Terry at Springer about the impossibility of my doing what they at first want me to do with their index; debate starting on the math book from Pearson, though if I'm given the go-ahead to do something MY way with the Springer-Verlag book AND get the ASME book sometime after Monday, I'll need that head start, realizing I'll be able to do nothing with Holt Rinehart, more of which hasn't come in ANYWAY. At least I have things to occupy my mind. Having AT LAST gotten the $2000 for the May 25 bill and being able to find that I've billed "only" $25,000 this year, which means I can take a substantial hunk of the $40,000 from HRW this year so I won't go over the Cadman Plaza maximum NEXT year. But the PHYSICAL isn't doing very well: 1) yes, the left-heel spur does at last seem to be gone, but 2) the stitch in my side from the first set of slide-rearrangings a month ago has shown up as a GENERAL back problem which gives me a SHARP twinge SOMETIMES when I move too quickly in an unexpected direction, though at other times it's totally not there, and 3) for the past two days my left ANKLE has felt as if I might have twisted it, or it’s weak, or it’s maybe at last beginning to manifest arthritis which, if I have it in "the foot," may be moving up to my ankle. Contemplated the possibility that THIS trip may be my LAST long-walking trip and I'll perhaps have to restrict my travel to places where I could go by wheelchair in the major cities of Europe. Yet ALL of this is with a sort of detachment that might be a sort of depression or anxiety about the World Trade disaster: not wanting to fly, not wanting to be in danger-prone New York City (but where and when and how would I go anywhere else?) though I was heartened by John's rationalization that the next "event" of terrorism will probably be with a truck-bomb at a smaller building, or tunnel, rather than any kind of plane hijacking, which SHOULD (I hope!) be harder to do now (HE hopes, having gone off to San Francisco on Thursday). Put on the radio so as not to have to listen to the banging around upstairs: WHAT do they keep dropping on their bare floors that REALLY makes me jump! AND got a new drip in the bathroom, first time in months, though the ceiling is getting increasingly brown from their constant over-running of water. AND my phone-machine battery is running low and have to change it. AND almost decided that the HRW index material will be "source-specific" and I can just do multiple passes and won't HAVE to scan in the eighth-grade index with my FreeScan (which doesn't seem to be working), though I decided it wasn't worth the frustration of trying to follow all the directions I printed off their site: technology has probably greatly improved in the past four or five years since I've had it, and I'll just get a NEW one that might be BETTER for the somewhat-faded pages I didn't get good results with BEFORE. Still no progress in washing the windows, but the National Geographics are actually ALL OUT except for one last stack by the door of about five feet of them I still have to go through, but the end of THAT looks IN SIGHT, which is a great accomplishment. Now all I have to do is figure what to do about television: wait for Channel 13 to improve their signal OR get cable EITHER by cheating OR by signing up for basic services---after trip?

10/3/01: 12:45PM: Finished skimming the National Geographics last night, and JUST finished typing up the index to the articles saved after putting the 1.2 feet of saved articles and books back on the shelf: went from 20 feet to 1.2 feet, saving only 6% of the volume, from 739 volumes down to 32, less than 5%, though of the 384 ISSUES I've saved less than 9%, which is not so spectacular a reduction, but still significant, since I still have a whole free shelf on which to put future travel souvenirs before throwing out more books. Typed the index and proofread it and sorted it into date order and printed out all four pages, doing this to clear the printer of the fourth page. DAMN IT, I have a COLD! Sore throat and tired yesterday, but I went to the gym hoping to shake it, taking lots of the new 1000mg vitamin C tablets, but this morning woke with a VERY sore throat and took more C and gargled with salt water and tied up the last of the National Geographics to take down, adding a stack of magazines and a stack of Times, which puts FIVE piles to be taken down, though I noticed a few of LOOSE ones on the trash pile for last night, most of the two stacks taken down during the day now gone. Then dashed downstairs for TWO deliveries: last pages from Pearson and chapter 10-4 from HRW, AND accepted a "small" (190 pages for 1000 lines maximum) index from a new woman, Mara L., from St. Martin's Press, which is growing to be one of my BEST customers. But now at 12:55 I'm TIRED from the cold, though I've GOT to start the Springer-Verlag index, which she said I could do with as I wish for about $1000 for name and subject indexes, AND I've still got STACKS of stuff on the table to give to people: Farb's Man's Rise for Vicki (which probably WON'T be given until after my trip), and just now (to 1:30PM, there goes ANOTHER half-hour!) phone her, and she put my INDEX.DOC onto a zip-file and actually OPENED it (to 1300 pages!) in her Word program! She said she'd call late one night and get my other big files; Pope's phone and $25 Judy gave for Ed's taking Pope's walker and the two photos of the Messrs L. from Mexico, and I just called HIM and said I'd be over NOW, phoning Spartacus (who isn't home AGAIN) and leaving word, and then SHELLEY (who IS home and receiving). Want to get these things DONE!! Print this!

10/8/01: 3:20PM: Just feel AWFUL! Yesterday's news of our bombing of Afghanistan kept me in front of the television from 2-5PM, then I just went to BED to REST. But I felt I HAD to keep up to take my penicillin at 1AM, so I did lots of Free-Cell, WINNING many of them. Was SO sorry they canceled the Emmy Awards, because I'd hoped THEY would keep my mind occupied for three hours. Watched a bit of TV anyway while brushing my teeth, and got to bed about 1:10AM but kept tossing and turning so that I finally got up and took a sleeping pill, adding that to my "want list for the trip," and it DID put me to sleep. Woke without a headache---a nice improvement--- but felt SO listless that I decided at 10:30AM to take my temperature and found that it was 97.8°! I don't think it's EVER been that low. No WONDER I feel "out of it." Up to phone people about last indexing questions, and Mara told me enough so that I could finish the diet pill book and get it ready to deliver. Then about to start this page and Danielle calls, permitting me to finish the geometry book's index by 3:20PM. Had watched a bit of TV eating breakfast at noon, but then the news went off, so I guess this "invasion" isn't that important. But I'm DREADFULLY nervous about the flight the day after tomorrow, deciding to phone TODAY to make sure I'm not being delayed, which would be disastrous if it caused me to miss the BOAT! Maybe 16 hours wasn't ENOUGH leeway? Don't even know the AIRPORT yet, and have NO idea how long I should be there beforehand, even though they're saying they're running at 25% below normal levels. LESS windy today than yesterday, but I'm afraid about THAT part of the bumpy flight, with "a disturbance in the jet stream" due in about Wednesday. I'm just TIRED and NERVOUS and APPREHENSIVE. Bill P. called about descenders, and Sherryl called about NOT going to Barbara K.'s play tonight, which I haven't decided about yet, just happy that I have time to wash and get ready now at 3:30PM for my 4PM appointment with T.. Ah, Ken called to say we weren't ON Beard's list!

10/9/01: 2:15PM: Just finished typing MEDICAL:10/9/01. DID get to Barbara's play, which occupied me for over two hours, and got back to fuss and phone Air New Zealand at 11:15PM and they FLOORED me by saying my flight has been moved up to leave at NOON 10/10, rather than 4PM. When I called Tina, she finally got back to me at 12:15PM (New Zealand not open until 11:30AM our time) saying that the rep from Tahiti Tours had QUIT, so they apologized profusely for not having informed Cadman Travel that my ticketing had been changed. Tina assures me that they'll adjust my ticketing at the AIRPORT tomorrow, that I check in at the UNITED desk, and that the Denver connection is STILL OK since I'll have done all the foreign work in Los Angeles. Olympia buses stop at 1AM, but maybe the New Jersey Transit, which gave me a runaround on the phone without enabling me to talk to a person, will bring me home cheaper than a taxi. Picked up lots of camcorder tape on the way to Barbara's play, which is good, since today is VERY hectic already! Met John on his way back when I went to the subway, and he came in this morning to say his trip was great, and he'd pay my Visa bill when it came in, prompting me to leave a note under his door (with my note that I'd filled the Metro card to $38, convenient in that if he deducts the $18 he'll pay for my six Sunday Times, my card will be left with $20 on it) that I'd DATED the check. Then phoned Spartacus about 2:25 and talked until just before 3:35! And John knocked to say that he WOULD send the check on the 15th. So that took care of the four tasks I'd noted about a week ago on the "before trip" list: 1) pick up plane tickets from Cadman, 2) get videotapes, 3) tell John to get the Times and pay my Visa bill, and 4) mail AmEx check. Ate a big goose-liver sandwich at midnight, took a NIGHT (new, with Doxylamine [which isn't in the AARP book], as opposed to the OLD diphenhydramine HCl [which turned out in AARP to be Benedryl, an antihistamine which might cause drowsiness OR insomnia---odd new use of an old drug!]). Then at 1:15AM, an hour after eating, take the penicillin with Pravachol and two grams of vitamin C, and at 1:30 go to bed and fall asleep quite quickly, without worry. Out of bed at 10AM, SORT of OK, having peed twice, maybe 6AM and 8AM, and I took another penicillin and my first Melitonin at 9AM. Drugs, drugs, DRUGS! Looked up Anthrax for Spartacus, and found that inhaling the spores would result in a respiratory disease with fever (had 100°), malaise (which I complained about), myalgia (muscle soreness, which I felt in my side, thinking it might be my liver), and an unproductive cough (which I'm just developing, along with what feels to be a small fever). BUT the article in Microbiology ALSO says that penicillin absolutely kills the spores that could be inhaled, which makes me feel good again, though I do seem to still have the cold to torture me on the flight and first few days on the boat. Make a Tuesday list: 1) phone Tina about tickets, 2) pay and mail bills, 3) get blood test, 4) breakfast, 5) do pills, 6) pack, 7) add $20 (turned into $30) to MetroCard. It's now 4:55PM, having finally gotten through the Sunday Times (which had been scattered all over the place), and gone through the current issues of New York and New Yorker (which I'll take on the trip with me to read), and gone through lots of mail, deciding I don't have any REASON to take the $300 check from Springer to the bank until after I get all the other checks from the trip, and feel somewhat relieved that I lost "only" $4,707 during the last catastrophic stock-exchange month, and glad that I got the statements before I left on the trip. Took my temperature because I felt warm (though this is the usual feeling the day before a big trip, as well as not having much of an appetite, but I did finish the last of the tuna casserole about 3:30, just to get THAT out of the way, and will probably leave the goose liver in the plastic bag to see what shape it'll be in when I get back, leaving only the chicken and the hamburg to get rid of) and found that it was up to 99.2°, not bad but not good either. Good weather predicted--- high around 70°---for tomorrow, thank goodness, and Spartacus suggests that I leave here at 8:30 to get to the airport on time for the security passage. Now at 5PM I take another penicillin, ready to tackle the pills and the rest of the packing, the ONLY thing left to do before phoning for the car service this evening before taking another sleeping pill and sleep.

10/10/01: 8:21AM: Everything packed, small shit, bags too heavy, pants too dirty, shoes too old, feeling I just want this to be OVER, and in less than 24 hours I'll be hopefully asleep in Tahiti. Waiting for car downstairs, brushing aside the typical "Let's just DROP the whole thing!" feelings, everything's arranged and paid for, so let's just GO THROUGH IT and DO IT. Now 8:23, and I can't think of anything more to say; already started the note for today, hope I don't exhaust the laptop's capacity too soon. Here goes another trip! A LONG one! TRAVEL:TAHITI

12/4/01: 1:15PM: WHERE AM I NOW? Finally catching up with the last tasks from the trip: just printed the updated atlas-triplist and figure I'll print this page to clear THAT one so I can put everything away. Finished washing the windows yesterday (disappointed that two of them have moisture, and mold, INSIDE the double pane!) and wanted to finish vacuuming this morning, but I felt a bit of a hangover from too much wine at the Beard last night, so I got a late start, then got to the final Visa bill which got me to the final trip updating save for the editing of the videotape and mailing that out, with various other tasks on the do-list which I couldn't avoid. Otherwise, things are GOOD: called Audience Extras and managed to get two tickets for Friday's Off-Broadway Revue matinee, maybe for Spartacus, maybe for someone else; didn't have to go to Pope's on Saturday because I convinced him and Harriett that THEY have to find the problems with his checking accounts; slides ready to be put away MORE now that I have 22 additional empty boxes in which to store stuff, not least of which is emptying two 144-slide trays for the humongous 274-slide SPACIFIC show. Lots of doctor's appointments: C. for blood-work results, O. for foot problem and again in two weeks, nurse for flu shot, AIDS test, and a visit on Friday for AIDS-test result, and I just called C. about the blood-work sheet he was supposed to leave for me last week which wasn't there when I asked for it on Thursday. Talked to Donna at the new location and she had to take my number so C. could call me back. Caught up with the Brueghel I wanted to see at the Met before November 30, but found there were lots more exhibits I wanted to fit in before December 30, so I added that to the stack. Still haven't gotten my camera fixed, which I figured I'd take in when I got the slides I wanted to reproduce for the two in Fiji and for Jean-Pierre, though they didn't turn out so well that he might even WANT them. Left word with Dorothy H. to call me back and am still debating about calling the sexy S., or whomever, for a $120 massage. Carolyn called to say that she was terminally busy, so she's out of the way, though I should take the star-globe in to Pope and phone Sherryl even though she never phones me. At least New Year's Eve is taken care of, since Jay's not coming up and I'm going to Town with Ken. But still have to find cheap Xmas cards and a datebook that I can fill out for the new year, as well as getting started on the enormous datebook-typing task for 2001. Glad to have lots of money, because the $2508 Visa bill for November was quite a shock. And I hope my checking account is finally balanced. Thought to write a Village Playwright's piece about the remedy for "The Arsenal of Believers" horrifying article in New Yorker, not to capture and torture them, as I'd first thought, but enlisting the RELIGION to show the BETTER interpretation of the Koran than the fanaticism that trains these human bombs. Again and again, religion and nationalism prove to be the two banes of civilization, modern and probably past. Finally canceled the December Village Playwrights meeting, though the do-list still has eleven items on it. But the BEST is from Holt: Texas is doing most of two of the larger indexes for the books, and the others look RATHER automatic, though I just got in two new chapters from Grade 9 that I haven't even looked at yet, only calling Amy to say that it's not really necessary NOW to send things by UPS, regular mail is OK until the crunch starts. Michael M.'s dance with Madge and Vicki still seems set for Saturday, and a Schwab meeting tomorrow should solve other problems, like where to put 2001 Keogh and IRA funds that I'll deposit soon.

12/19/01: 6:45PM: STILL have things on the trip-list to do: duplicating only the SECOND copy of the SPACIFIC videotape, so three more to go! Still things on the do-list, but shit!---I wanted to describe the SEX-SCENE at the gym today!! Got into the steam room with a cute bald blond with a semi-erect cock swinging definitely to one side, which was nice to look at except he hid in the steam. Got to the shower to see him across the way, definitely looking at me, and he got TOTALLY hard, which of course got ME hard! It curved wonderfully upward and he soaped it up, then moved to the end-shower across from me and seemed determined to jerk off, so I whispered, "Don't waste it!" at him. He came across and I urged him to come to my place, just a half-block away, for only five or ten minutes, but he said he HAD to get somewhere quickly. "Can I watch you cum?" he asked, and I confessed that I'd just cum that morning so it would take me awhile. He went back across and, staring at my erection, which I played with and jerked a bit, he seemed to cum with a VERY purple cockhead rising out of this almost-red bush, and I said I hoped I could see him again, but he just responded that he came at different times. One of the FEW entries in the SEX column this year!!