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2006 August thru September

FRIDAY, 8/4/06: 7:30PM: How obsessed I am with masturbation! Couldn't wait to get back from the trip to jerk off, and did so almost immediately on returning to my apartment on Sunday, but my fingernails were so long that I actually CUT my cock in a couple of places, leaving dried blood on my fingers. So the second jerk-off, on Monday, was somewhat circumspect, but I did it anyway. Tuesday, I think, was the disaster: I tried and tried, getting increasingly frustrated, and finally stopped, only to start again in a more relaxed mode a few hours later and had a rather playful long-standing Level 10 orgasm. Wednesday was more casual, and more successful, but Thursday was another struggle, and Friday I actually started recording new sections in Porno 3, started going through tape TT at about 5:50AM, recording the first entry about 8:10AM, and finally cumming and stopping at 9:50AM! Took care not to damage my cock, this time, though maybe I'm finally getting ENURED to such constant playing. Hope I've got a lot of it out of my system and I don't have to continue until I FEEL sexy---when I wake from a dream, for example. On other matters, I kept playing hours and hours of Spider, with nothing better to do, interspersed with a sudoku or two, which I did this afternoon until I felt my eyes closing about the game. Managed to move everything into the bedroom on Tuesday, proofed some of the journal on Wednesday, finally sorted through the pile of African stuff on Thursday, separating bills from souvenirs from papers that should go into my travel-bag. Finally, today, Friday, phoned the NY Times and got a wonderful Marilyn, who said that my note to leave the papers at the desk had been RECORDED, but I said it hadn't been DONE, and she said she'd MAIL me the six missing papers in 5-6 days, and my regular service would continue. Wonderful! Also called D. to make a Tuesday appointment to see what can be done about the feeling of food stuck between my upper last two left teeth, tried again to get Arnold to accept a sudoku lesson and print my photos, but he only said I should phone him if I wanted to pick up the two Einstein programs. Got bogged down on pages 7 and 8 of the trip-journal and haven't had the energy yet to look through them, though I DID finish the German accounting and Fred will mail me the settling check of $92, because of my not having succeeded in working my way up the 6-person waiting list for today's lunch at the Beard. Sent 5 e-mails: 1) Ken with addresses, 2) J.s' and 3) K.s' notes, 4) Susie, saying I didn't contact her Kenyan diplomat, and 5) John G. about the coincidence of receiving his letter offering a flat in Istanbul while I was revisiting Kilimanjaro, where we met! Got a third bill from Tristan, though I haven't looked at the site yet. Finally, they announced the low temperature of 72° tonight, which may be the first night I can sleep without the air conditioner on and only the fan. Have to phone for apartment-inspection time early next week and then will start on my to-do list for final catch-ups to do.

SUNDAY, 8/6/06: 10:45AM: Discouraged to be hit by a FULL page to be typed before printing out the page to clear my KENTANZ Summary sheet to be transcribed into my datebook. Open the windows to a fairly cool morning breeze, but that reminds me of the contradictions inherent in the recording of New York's temperatures: in Africa we heard that New York City was suffering under 100° temperatures, but I returned to find the "official" listings in the weekend papers to show highs more like 95° or 96°, with nothing near 100°. But then in today's paper I read of "ten deaths on Thursday, when the temperature in most parts of the city reached 100°." If it was 100° in most parts of the city, why didn't the chart record it? My best guess is that the "official" reading for NYC temperatures is in Central Park (away from all the exhaust from the air conditioners and cars, probably one of the coolest parts of the city!), and not at JFK, where even the news reported highs of 100° and even 101° on Tuesday, incidentally recording the highest LOW temperature at 87° at JFK on Wednesday, 8/2/06. The new typewriter ribbon appears to be fading NOW, so EARLY? Erase the files on the AlphaSmart and put that off the desk, along with sending a note to TV Guide that 1) they did NOT make the "no" sticker peelable, and 2) I'm not interested until they list ALL movies: what's this "prime time only" prejudice? Threw out the ABT programs as having none that are that interesting for those prices; and the "Summer Festival" New York brochure, offering only 15% off meals (much better with $24 specials), saving only the page with two hotels with rooms under $120 for future visitors who don't want to stay here; and the Lincoln Center out-of-doors for not being worth the heat and the trip for some mediocre dance group. DEFINITELY feel that I'm getting more choosy (and lonelier) in my older age: turning down most offers from Sherryl because she's such a pain to be with, turning down many Beards just because they don't sound that interesting, not listening to most of Spartacus's recommendations, since they usually turn out disappointing, though I'm perfectly willing to go WITH him if he buys tickets through Theatermania (price going up to $8 per ticket! with membership rising to $100/year) and Audience Extras, which I haven't even CHECKED much. Hear the familiar roar and look out to see the tail end of another motorcycle parade going toward Manhattan across the Brooklyn Bridge. Speaking of which, I DID phone for a Brooklyn Bridge Park tour for next Saturday, debating putting my single roll of PRINT film in my bag, which I do: it's only TWELVE prints, at 400ISO, which, unfortunately, has a printed expiration date of 9/01! So I might not get anything at all, even though it's been faithfully kept in the refrigerator for all these years. Sherryl just calls to schedule 2PM tomorrow (not conflicting with my 8:30 ophthalmologist's appointment) for watching my African videos, which is good because I'd soon be watching them on my own, so it's more fun to share them with someone. So I make a note to schedule my apartment inspection for Tuesday or Wednesday, not to conflict with my Dr. D. appointment on Tuesday or my Beard on Wednesday, and with my play this afternoon with Spartacus at 3PM, after watering the plants, updating my KENTANZ datebook, and going to the gym, things are looking busier after a week (not even back from Africa a full WEEK yet!) of doing not much except jerking off, recording new sections on my Porno 3 DVD, playing Spider and doing sudoku and, for the first time in ages, yesterday finishing all three Times puzzles: the hard, time-consuming one on Saturday, and the two on Sunday, helped by EB, but I was finished by 10:30AM, so I've not lost my skills. Then all the OLD "to-do" lists take over, which I won't recount here. Spartacus just calls to say we meet at Clark Street at 2:25 for the play, saving me the effort of calling him before I go to the gym. Beginning to smell myself, so may take Sherryl's advice and turn on the A/C. Still haven't looked at the new pages Tristan billed me $388.50 for on 8/3, check gone out already, and there are still two questionable-content videotapes sitting below the unit ready to be checked out before Sherryl arrives tomorrow. Always something to do; always something to say to get me to the bottom of a page so I can print it out now.

WEDNESDAY, 8/9/06: 4:50PM: Sherryl enjoyed the video but thought it might be reduced to 4 or 5 main events. She looked through the printouts of ZolnerZone and said 1) second and third pages were not needed, and 2) I should emphasize that I'm a GAY man more. Ken scheduled looking at the Africa slides Friday night. Called Ken, who could tell me nothing about what a slander, privacy, and libel lawyer would tell me about naming names on my website. Made an appointment with Steve Le-VEEN tomorrow at 10AM, retyping my will as best I can with the understanding that the things that change: addresses and phone numbers, should NOT be in the will itself but in an attachment which doesn't have to be notarized if changed. Yesterday was busy as I 1) checked with Dr. D. (who's having premature contractions at 30 weeks!) who said she could find nothing wrong with the place that keeps attracting a brush bristle in the upper right, nor anything wrong with the interface in the upper left, 2) bought the last two pair of 9W black strap-on shoes that Payless had, 3) called Tristan about the website and his health (he isn't to have an operation until his "bladder rests" around the beginning of September), and produced a thoughtful TRISMEM3 which I RTF'ed to him today, 4) they had all the apartments that needed inspecting. 5) I proved my cell phone worked by phoning and reaching myself, then adding the numbers for Arnold, Charles, Mildred, and Susie, which I can reach by merely touching the first letters of their name, except for Charles, on the same button with Arnold. Then I phoned Paul and we phoned OAT and agreed on a La Paz-Upper Amazon trip November 18-December 3, for which I had to pay $5 to cancel a Beard truffle dinner on 11/27. Visa billed $880 for deposit already, and full payment of about $4000 more will be due in a few weeks. Which reminds me, I got a bill from Dr. D. yesterday for $1460, which makes my ENTIRE tooth-bill $2560! OUTRAGEOUS! Phoned to re-establish my Express Mail program while having to send a $14.40 check for the slides which were sent anyway. Used the last clean pair of shorts when I went to the gym today, still difficult after only the third time back, only second time at full weight, and decided to do the laundry, which is currently drying on the bed. Took about 20 minutes to sort those out, about 8 pieces still slightly damp. When I went into the drawer to get my will for revising, there were the two CDs that I thought Carolyn took WITH her, giving the RTF files to Tristan, so I called both of them and said I goofed. Couldn't think of any ways to improve the reading of the will, leaving it to the lawyer to do his fifteen minutes for $400. Stephanie hasn't called back yet in response to my call for a storage place for the DVD that Tristan said he could make of the website in case anything happened to him. Carolyn said she wouldn't be able to continue his work, and I'd have to find someone else, probably either Stephanie or someone recommended by Stephanie, though I don't know what she'd make of the explicit gay stuff in my files. Alternately open the windows to a somewhat humid coolness, or put on the A/C if I really want it cold. Got yesterday's mail and quickly disposed of most of it, leaving today's for after I get back from the Beard, to which I have to leave in just over an hour. Wonderfully clear days out recently after the humidity left, and Sherryl said she just loved my view but noted the two buildings obstructing the sweep of the Manhattan Bridge. Saturday's tour called back and I confirmed that Charles M. would be joining me, and left him a message to that effect. Tristan's now working on allocating the 99 short fiction to their 141 places, and I'm looking at all the changes I have to make in the rtf files: 1) take the page numbers out of Current Dreams and resubmit them, 2) ask about names and name-changes, 3) figure how to handle all the "see following pages" in early journals and 4) other problematic references in newer journals and files. Thank goodness I have no trip scheduled until November. AND I took the first index of this year, all of 76 pages of a medical book from Springer-Verlag from some poor guy who's called me about three times and is SO glad I can manage to do the book in just TWO WEEKS. At least I'll find out what I've already forgotten that made indexing so automatic to my finger-touch. Yikes!

WEDNESDAY, 8/16/06: 7:30AM: Now that I started the "after Kenya" do-list, it's become a real obsession. Mentioned the list on the last line of notebook notes for 8/4, mentioned AGAIN toward the end of 8/6, but never really listed. As I filed through the pages written since Kenya, I noted that there were lots of things that I should record: 1) Paul's visit was somewhat of a disaster: a) he messed up the TV so he couldn't record my String Theory programs (and may not have been able to watch my porn-DVDs, poor baby, not being able to contact Spartacus in time to have him re-fix the TV), but Spartacus did, and I watched them, glad they were only an hour each, yet I actually LEARNED something, so I'm glad HE has them in his catalog so I can eventually DVD all three episodes together; b) he knocked the doorstop-rubber off the bathroom door and THREW IT AWAY, so it has to be replaced; c) he looked through my porno-cabinet, since there were books out of order and some old catalog which he either brought down from the pile above or put there HIMSELF; d) looked through something else, either in my dresser or my desk-side files, because I noted something out of order THERE; e) at least brought FOUR more bottles of good champagne! 2) Masturbation: I noted I came on Tuesday, too, but I didn't add to the list that I did so, therefore the chances were I rested on Tuesday and only returned to the obsession on Wednesday, the 2nd; so what I wrote before about Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday happened probably really on Wednesday and Thursday (and looking at Thursday so many times makes it look so BAD that I actually check the calendar to make sure I'm spelling it correctly), so what I wrote for Thursday was just a false memory, since I typed about Friday ON Friday; Saturday the 5th was easier, since I was less desperate, and the next time I came was on the 11th, not as feeling as I'd have liked it to have been, but at least satisfying enough so that I've not done it again yet, though in my "completing everything" today, I just might do it when I finish this page! 3) New York Times back issues were ordered on FRIDAY, 8/4, I see, and Marilyn said 3-5 business days, so I phoned 8/15 to find where they were, and Tommy said 7-10 business days was the reality, which would be Tuesday-Friday this week, and he said they would probably get here this week. More to catch up with! 4) D. actually REMEMBERED that I'd brought in a brush-bristle stuck in a lower-right chink, had trouble removing it HERSELF, and said she could see NOTHING to fix, so I'd just have to put up with it; in the same result, she said the interface between the upper-left fillings was complex, but there was nothing caught there and nothing she could do to stop my feeling there was something caught there. 5) Arnold still delaying printing my Morocco pictures, getting sudoku book, but at least I got the DVDs from him he'd saved for me that I've now finished and am waiting to return to him, along with the Africa-DVD which I tried copying on MY computer yesterday, to no avail even with Cosmic, which he'll copy for me now that I dubbed the DVD onto a tape, which will be backup if he clobbers the DVD, though I'll have to laboriously change all the TITLES again. 6) African e-mails: a) J. sent a response that Val actually BROKE her ulna, and then sent two bottles of WINE for the night Ken and I were ACTUALLY watching the slides; b) Darlene sent a nice response and then Ken alerted me she'd sent hundreds of photos---those turned out to be on Shutterfly---which I scanned and praised 5 of them: either she'll send me individual copies by e-mail or I might use Shutterfly's offer of the first 15 prints free. 7) Met with Charles and Sherryl originally scheduled for today, but they BOTH had to cancel, so we're now scheduled for Friday. 8) The German trip is finally settled except for a) printing one slide for Fred, which he requested, which was added to the "after Kenya" list as 26): b) editing and printing the German-slide list. 9) Website: a) finally looked at it and printed out all new pages, b) talked to Tristan and sent him a lengthy memo the next day with lots of details, c) have to call L. to see if he's gotten the phone number of a trademark lawyer (finding it HARD to read my own NOTES!) so I know how to handle NAMES in files, d) LOTS of work to do on files! 10) Brooklyn Park tour good, but print-getting delayed from Tuesday to Thursday, Charles having joined me at last. 11) Steve Levine (which I keep spelling Le-VEEN to remind me how it's pronounced, though since he called me Bob yesterday I may call him Steve today) looks and acts JUST like Brian Dennehy, which is heartening (with which Shelley agrees), and I told him yesterday it really opened a can of worms: a) surprised that I listed John A. as a CONTINGENT beneficiary to my Keogh; b) had NO beneficiary for my IRA, for which she'll send me forms; c) CAN have a beneficiary for my Schwab One, though Steve said it would be easier to leave it in the estate for the Executor to distribute either as shares or cashing it in, whichever would work better; d) found my AARP IRA still listed EMMA, so I'm getting a form to change THAT; e) first asked Shelley to be my contingent Executor, then Mildred and Charles suggested Ken, who agreed, so Shelley is willing to be my SECOND contingent, if Steve accepts that; f) probably other stuff will come up when I finish final transmission to Steve before he finishes boilerplate and I sign will. 12) Balkan trip: a) phoned Shelley about her ABCClub's Balkan tour, which she'd like, too, but she phoned and it's been canceled because of lack of interest; b) phoned Shelley about the Balkan tour plus St. Petersburg, which she was also willing to do, but that TOO was canceled; c) phoned Shelley about Black Sea tour, but she didn't like the "walking over cobblestone streets and old piers," the length and expense of the tour, so I dropped the idea with her, though not the thought of taking it MYSELF, AND I just phoned GCT and RESERVED---by paying in full with my Visa---the Black Sea trip because they had a ROOMMATE to share on an EXPENSIVE deck for "only" $4124.34, or $317/DAY, my FOURTH-most-expensive trip! GOT to have breakfast now at 8:52AM! Turn on TV and get absorbed by a National Geographic program on the Iraqi Treasure of Nimrod, vanished during two Gulf Wars, until 10AM. 13) Amazon trip: mailed a check for $3309.14, which turned out to be the final amount, and the guy ASSURED me I could schedule and pay for the Nazca extension ON the trip itself. 14) Stephanie M. STILL hasn't called back. 15) Carolyn said she'd proofread what Tristan had done and get back to me, also e-mailing me the guy's name and address she said could take over "after" Tristan. 15a) Called Marj, who AGAIN refused a paying offer to produce some of my plays, but I said I'd keep trying. Told her I was BACK to indexing. 16) Indexing: a) just today, 10:30AM, decided to call Bob N. at Watson-Guptill and Jenny W. at Springer-Verlag (who said she would e-mail people) saying I was available again; b) AND, just to make sure, called Robert W., saying I was going on vacation 10/1, so ASME catalog BETTER be end of September as it was LAST year. SO, having caught up with catching up, here's my ORIGINAL "after Kenya" do-list, with completion dates where applicable: 1) Unpack 8/1. 2) Type journal 8/5. 3) German slide-show for Fred 8/14. 4) Print photos/sudoku/Spartacus. 5) Met with Charles/Sherryl by 8/20. 6) Prove phone works 8/8. 7) Buy black shoes 8/8. 8) Call Tristan on website 8/8. 9) Print out new website pages 8/7. 10) Africa slides to Ken 8/11. 11) Lawyer on will and trademark lawyer and names-handling on website. Following added 8/13: 12) Call NY Times again 8/15. 13) Check Keogh/IRA beneficiaries 8/15. 14) Get 20 film and X mailers. 15) Get photos from Rite Aid. 16) Do stamps (2006 Vol. 2) 8/13. 17) Do index. 18) Shelley: ABC Balkans? 8/15. 19) Pay Amazon balance and sign up for Nazca 8/15. 20) Set up Italy slides. 21) Set up Germany slides 8/14. 22) Check Proscar and Zetia prices with CVS/Rite Aid/Duane Reade. 23) Dupe and send Africa DVDs. 24) Catalog last North Korean stamps 8/14. 25) Edit and print German slide-list. 26) Print one German slide for Fred. 27) Cancel Beard 10/9 if trip GOES. So, with that, I make up a NEW "after Kenya" do-list: 1) Print photos/sudoku /Spartacus. 2) Met with Charles/Sherryl by 8/20. 3) Finish will. 4) Call trademark lawyer and NAMES, 5) Get 20 film and X mailers. 6) Get photos from Rite Aid. 7) Do index. 8) Set up Italy slides. 9) Check ALL drugs DR/RA/CVS. 10) Dupe and send Africa DVDs. 11) Edit and print German slide-list. 12) Print one German slide for Fred. 13) Cancel Beard 10/9 if trip GOES. 14) Schedule Yangtze River/North Vietnam evening, realizing it's NOT Tibet, which is finished, so I filed those slides away in boxes. Phoned Ken at work, who called back to say a) he'd have to get home to get calendar for slides, and b) dozens of places develop prints from slides. Talk to Bernice 11:45-12:30: Mary V. died in May, Maya's OK, Barbara Lea may have a new album but she's not able to care for herself, Joyce is OK, Jon lives in Massachusetts, Alice is the only old teacher still alive and well, and the Angelic level is the BANK of all the benefits from my previous experiences. Call Bill P. 12:30-12:35, plays on 10/12, when I won't be here; Village Playwrights meet once a month but has "gotten new blood." Steve L. calls back with Barry C.'s and Philip G.'s names for trademark data. Steve H. calls back to say he'll be away and unavailable for slides, but MAN meets tomorrow at the Dean Street hot tub, which I reserve for. Piri's working; John A. wants to be taken from the list; call Tony's cell phone to get "out of service," and no address for him in Brooklyn telephone book; Bob R. is going to see Chihuly today and exchanged his daughter's studio for a penthouse in Fort Lauderdale, where they've been eight times already: she manages an Il Mulino Restaurant in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas and gets them comps to anything they want. Leave word with Judy G. Watch TV tapes so I can tape four hours on National Geographic tonight. Take binox to look at blocked Manhattan Bridge that Channel 15 says is a track-fire that stopped two trains. Finish this by 8:08PM, having done nothing from the list but feeling I've done a LOT today on the telephone, going to gym, watching TV.

FRIDAY, 8/18/06: 9:11AM: Thursday was a "wasted" day, as I did the index, then had breakfast and watched TV to clear tapes for taping, got a call from John C.2, played Spider until I jolted aware at 1:25PM of my 2PM lunch with Mildred, rushed to get ready and got to Asia de Cuba at PRECISELY 2PM as she was opening her menu at the table. Back about 3:45 and play Spider constantly, answering phone a number of times from Ken, and from Cathy H. for a Watson-Guptill index, and from Stephanie S., saying she could make the 27th and not the 29th, so I re-phoned Shelley (who called back to say she couldn't make that date) and Ken and Judy (who called back to say it was OK) and Anita for the first time, until I get off at 7:20PM and dress for the subway and get to Dean Street about 7:45 to a sketchy dinner for $10, a few minutes in the pool, some blissful minutes in the back chair alone until it became a meeting-place where someone shared his joint, and I took two great puffs with some tiny-bit-more-than-minor effect, and left about 10:15 to get home to try to jerk off, but it just didn't work, so I got to bed just after 11PM. Woke at 5:20AM and tried a very gentle old-style slow-tease toward an erection, getting a softie by 6AM, when I got out the vibrator, which didn't work at all, so I put it away and went back to sleep, starting Actualism, and had the OUTRAGEOUSLY beautiful, complex, and compelling dream described in DREAMS:8/18/06. Finish this at 9:22AM and describe my current situation to complete this page: dining table littered with stamp catalogs and albums and trays, intermixed with the German slides, one of which I must print for Fred, all of them to be edited and listed, on top of which is the mail (including the new TV Guide but none of the beneficiary forms) from yesterday, below which, on the floor, are scattered TV Guide pages with notations of what I've taped, on top of which are the porno supplies I left out from last night, thinking I'd use them this morning, but after the failure at 6AM "I don't think so." Will have breakfast and leave early for the Met so I can catch up with other things beside the Maya before meeting Sherryl at 2PM to get THAT off the new "after Kenya" list that had "do index" added as a new 15), and the Met will be only the second item removed from it, the first being 7) "do index." And as the guy in the hot tub said last night, I've GOT to clip my toenails! Tried sleeping without the fan last night, but even at 71° it was too stuffy and I turned it on to sleep.

MONDAY, 8/21/06: 6:30AM: Typed dream from 4:07-4:18AM [DREAMS:8/21/06], and started Actualism in order to get back to sleep, but kept having ideas that I jotted down on index cards, and I was happy to discover, going to get a new box, that I still had at least two CARTONS---20,000 cards---left! Started with 1), about the will, but added a 0) for C.: a) 6-months' blood tests? b) Physical? c) Feet! Since my undertoes STILL feel strangely numb, or over-sensitive, or "wrong," and I fear it might be the onset of diabetes type 2, which just hit Spartacus! 1) Will: a) phone Eric H. (thank goodness for old Village Playwrights lists!) and Barbara K. about LEGACY for producing HALF mine and HALF their plays? b) phone Steve's "trademark" lawyers. 2) GO to VP's Tuesday meeting? Tell someone about Audience Extras for 10/12 production? 3) GET stamps EVALUATED (stop fussing with DETAILS, go for the BOTTOM LINE!) 4) Bill P.: a) Italy Tuesday 29th 2PM? b) Yangtze/Vietnam Sunday 27th 7PM? c) VP Tuesday? d) willing to pick up Saturday and Sunday Times? 5) Burroughs books to wife of bookseller who wanted them for her husband, but I look through address book and find nothing, and the shop on Willow is closed, but I probably have their number SOMEWHERE? 6) Audience Extras: producers do WHAT to get a listing with you? 7) Beard: Sept. 8 First Friday lunch available? 8) Spartacus: a) Panasonic GLITCH? Play tape "static-y" but run BACK and it's OK? b) get "Africa Master" back to dupe END sectors onto TAPE to ease DVD-RAM finish, c) WILL do meat-loaf lunch tomorrow if you want. So that COULD add EIGHT to my "after Kenya" list, which I'd WANTED to finish "one a day" by the end of AUGUST, but though I STARTED on 8/16 with 13 items, and on 8/17 added two items to make 15, which COULD be done "one a day," I succeeded on 8/17 to 7) do index; on 8/18 to 2) do Met with Sherryl; on 8/19 to 6) get photos from Rite Aid, but though also on 8/19 I sent one slide to be printed for Fred, I still have to pick it up, maybe Wednesday, and on 8/20 I edited the German slides but I still didn't print the list of photos in the show, so in the ELEVEN days remaining in August I still have TWELVE items remaining on the "after Kenya" list. With the index on my desk to do, though I still have to e-mail my rates to Cathy, and e-mail Edward to thank him for photos, and tell him about quick history of HIS starting me with STAMPS! AND I'm determined to write a "WHERE AM I NOW?" page, making it HERE, since I've no other way to do it, and could I be starting a NEW NOTEREPL format?

                                 WHERE AM I NOW?                             

HAVE to do this, even though I may be starting a NEW NOTEREPL format! On previous page I listed all the things I'm telling myself I've got to do, ALL connected with my WILL, and the thoughts that occupy me about PRIORITIES and FINAL THOUGHTS!

1) WEBSITE remains top priority, even to finding replacements for M.s.

2) CURRENT TRIPS have to be kept up with:
     a) Finish GERMFRED photo-page listing.
     b) Do 3 remaining trips this year: making SEVEN at end of SEVENTH decade!
     c) Keep south-Chile fjords and new-India for FRED.
     d) Keep 2007 Japan and 2008 West Africa for KEN.
     e) Set up slide/videotape archive-system with Carolyn and add to will.
     f) In general travel less and make other things higher priority, like:

3) PLAYS, rising to the top in my Actualism session this morning to PRODUCE:
     a) Go to Village Playwrights tomorrow to see how they're doing; do mine?
     b) Phone Eric H. and Barbara K. to see if they might help.
     c) Organize them on a CD better than they are in WP51 now.
     d) List them accordingly in will.

     a) Stop piddling around with each little year's addition.
     b) Phone Scott Catalog-back advertiser to evaluate my collection NOW.
     c) List them accordingly in will.

5) HEALTH: Keep up with exams and medications.

6) INDEXING: Try to build up business.

Now, at 7:17AM, I can't think of anything more and am STARVING for BREAKFAST!

THURSDAY, 8/24/06: 6:49AM: Should have done this at MANY other times before this, but this is when I'm doing it: Set up a second NOTEREPL in a window below this so I can address each item: 0) Dr. C.'s appointments yet to be handled, 1) Will: a) didn't phone anyone, just mulled it over in my head for four days (Monday-Thursday) before deciding to just DO something on paper to call Steve about; can't leave actual money to Eric H. or Barbara K. or any specific person in Village Playwrights; b) Monday 10AM: Phoned Barry C., who won't be in until Thursday: "He'll get back to you Friday or following Monday." Monday 10:10-10:32AM: Phoned Philip G.: he's on Park and 40th in Manhattan. "If you try to protect ideas with PATENTS, it's expensive to maintain and support. If you look at TRADEMARKS, there are 30 classes of goods, 8 classes of services, and more than one person can use the trademark. I can COPYWRITE and federally reserve the mark myself by going to, downloading form, filling it out myself, and paying $60 to register the term. If G.'s law firm got into it, it would cost $825 for a full search to make sure no one's used the name before, and the application for the search is $100. They can assist me in filling out the form for $300. I decide that no one's going to WANT or CONTEST the term ZolnerZone, and I have all the DATED PRINTOUTS of the pages to prove Tristan worked on it during all this year, and that the term "zone" is too general to try to do anything about personally. Then, since he encourages me to ask questions, I go on to the topic of NAMES: Civil Rights Law 50 refers to the "Right of Publicity," wherein "if you name names about what happened yesterday, you might threaten their right to write about it themselves and cause them to complain, but it doesn't apply to what happened 50 years ago." "Defamation may be defined as publicizing statements that aren't true, so you can't be accused of defamation unless you lie." But then both he and Mildred went into "friends' agreements" so that I don't make anyone MAD about what I might do: Mildred said it was OK to use her first but not her LAST name, saying no one could IDENTIFY her from what I put on site. So it seemed I had no LEGAL problem, I just had to go through and make sure I mentioned no SURNAMES. As for me, I still enjoy "Freedom of Expression" and can write anything I want, so long as it's true. So I cross that off my list of worries! 2) Went to Village Playwrights on Tuesday, motley group reading what's going to be produced 10/12, when I won't be here, found that Manuel had given the head-shot file to Raymond B., who remembers me from previous meetings at VP and at the Brooklyn Heights Library, who lives at 197 Kane Street, which should be near Court Street, and I can call him at 718-852-7529 "next year when I'll be producing my own plays." With the crazies who are in the group, I just can't let THEM produce my plays after I'm gone. Then realize that Audience Extras provides people who don't pay, so VP doesn't need to know about them, but I find out that I just have to call 212-924-1235 and give the name of the performance, short description, dates and times, and number of tickets, and information can be given by e-mail, fax, or phone. 3) Phoned Mystic, described collection to Maggie, who said I should send stamp-lists to Stampbuyer, who is Mark M., who calls later and asks me to e-mail him the lists at his home, when I find that I'd forgotten to attach the list to the OFFICE e-mail! He says he'll be in the city during the first two weeks of September and will make an appointment to stop by to see my collection---great! I only lied a bit when I said, "Yes, I'm interested in selling my collection now." 4) Bill P. said he'd come to both slide-shows, would come with me to Village Playwrights on Tuesday, and would pick up my Saturday and Sunday Times: he gets delivery EVERY day. 5) Look back in wp51/my/moving to find that I sold books to Biblo Books, and the couple's names are Gail and Al, and the phone books still list Biblo Books as being open on Hicks Street, but when I call the number, it's something like "Acorn" who knows nothing about Biblo Books. Call Park Slope Books at 718-499-3064 and Molly says she knows someone who lives next to Frances Biblo (who isn't listed) and will convey my message that she should call me about Gail and Al so I can sell my Burroughs books. Look in the community phone book and find J. Biblo on Middagh, and leave a message with HIM at 718-858-7024. I start using the FRONT of the index-box for storing such information on index cards: PIN numbers, addresses, phone numbers to be checked. 6) Audience Extras card information to the front of the index-box. 7) Get Beard first-Friday (9/8) reservation at table with Fred. 8) Spartacus sort of knows about the Panasonic glitch, but running back is OK. Get the Africa Master back, and he says I have to use DVD-(minus)R, not DVD+R on his hard-core machine. Haven't duped the end of the tape to finish the DVD-RAM yet. Did the meat-loaf lunch, and it was properly terrible. He loved it. Spent most of the rest of Monday on the phone: 1) Tris and Vicki will call back about coming to my slide-show Sunday. 2) Carolyn said she saw Yangtze, so won't come Sunday, but will come Tuesday for Italy, and is very busy, so she can't do ANY proofreading, and if she would, she'd have to be paid NOW, not later. 3) Beard OK. 4) Barry C. WCB. 5) Philip G. described above. 6) Mildred described above, and she later calls for lunch today at Tropica at 2PM, talking 10:33-11:06. 7) LW with Arnold. 8) Questions on index for Cathy H. 11:10-11:15. 9) Bob L.: Spartacus at nutritionist this morning. 10) LW with Arnold, will do lunch. 11) Bill P. described above. 12) Mystic described above. 13) April from Beard calls 11:45. Make and e-mail wp51\mc\stamps to 12:45. Then lunch, TV of Monday's Prison Break, and talk to Tristan, who did GREAT re-do of Adolescent-Work page, and has other items up that I haven't looked at, to 2:27PM. Read Times, go to Village Playwrights. 8:07AM: Play Spider until bed on both Monday and Tuesday, as I remember. Also on Monday I did "after Kenya" items 4) call Trademark lawyer and find out about names, and 11) edit and print German slide list, and 15) do index to Cathy and e-mail bill to money-man. That left list at EIGHT, not needing to do another item until Thursday! Also Monday at 10AM e-mailed Edward thanks for the photos and confessed sadness about trading away his mint 14¢ Indian stamps for foreign pretty stamps. So I can throw away the SHEET and two index cards from Monday! Wednesday morning I came up with ANOTHER list: 1) Marj: What do I do in will about play-production? Decided THIS morning to simply DO a will for Steve, talking about "trust fund for maintaining website," just to DO it for NOW! 2) Raymond in will? No. 3) Web-guy in will? No. 4) Steve: a) changes in will? b) rewrite in 5 years? 5) Barbara in will? No. 6) Will: 3 areas: a) "always" OK, b) website maintenance? c) play productions---I'll just have to handle MYSELF! 7) (Added Sunday, 7/23) Times at library, which I finally do 4-5PM Wednesday (delighted at ease of adding $1 to my library card in the lobby and paying for my 3 copies of the puzzles for 45¢ , which I do for a GREAT sense of completion), after FINISHING the rest of the Times on sofa. On Tuesday I ordered 30 Sensia 200 ASA films and 19 mailers, which I got Wednesday. Also on Tuesday I got and set up the 70x70" projection screen, having to hammer off a bolt that wouldn't unscrew (though it HAD threads!) to lower bottom to top of stand, ceiling STILL not high enough to extend to full 70" but good enough at like 67". Wrote myself a note to record the big fire yesterday afternoon, smoke billowing from somewhere north in Queens, helicopters flying over, smoke gone after about an hour. Still all the old mail to go through when I get to bed about 10:30 Wednesday night, and wake at 6:10AM Thursday to pee and go to window at 6:15 to see incredible gleaming-cherry-red sun peeking over the horizon at two smokestacks just south of a big apartment-building silhouette on the very far horizon, visible between some of the nearer brick project-buildings, all south of the enormous Witnesses tower at two o'clock from my window. The sun rises more than its diameter into the clouds by 6:20, taking less than the 6 minutes I'd always thought of the sun moving through its diameter. Also make a note to show the 5-6 Gaochang and Bezelik slides that dropped out of the previous show AT Sunday's showing. Finally make a note for Steve: trust fund for maintaining website? At 6:49AM start finishing this notebook page, and at 8:35AM finish HERE, starving for breakfast, ready to start on final will-process. 8:58AM: Forgot to add a number of things: 1) living room a total mess: German slides still in the carousel set up behind the sofa for maximum picture size on the new screen, newspapers too big for the section have to be bundled and taken down the hall, mail to be looked through, stamps to be finished for now and catalogs returned to the library, Africa Master still to be duped and copied to DVD-RAM. 2) bedroom messy with porno removed to lighten cabinet used to support carousel in living room behind sofa, piles of things to be sorted out, including photo-list to be typed for the 12 photos from the Waterfront Park tour, and will sitting on the desk to be processed. 3) kitchen messy from fresh corn bought for 15¢ an ear on Monday and consumed over three days already, one ear left, whole place needs to be cleaned before Sunday's slide-show. I'm certainly leaving a lot of TYPOS in these pages! Maybe my mind IS going! Look out the window to see a Schwing boom, anchored from a huge white truck on the WEST side of Henry Street, moving ACROSS the street and OVER two cars (which might have taken the parking space the truck needed) which are being covered with a large blue drop cloth to protect them from---something. The nozzle dips down to a large area of stairway ready for concrete on the WEST side, in front of 75 Henry Street, but I can't see where the concrete would be stored in the shallow track itself, and now that I look out the boom has gone BACK to the west side. Still have to look at the website to see the new areas, and I SHOULD proofread. AND added 15) C.'s appointments and 16) edit and resubmit "Current Dreams" to my "after Kenya" list, making it TEN items to be done in EIGHT days! Type out the last page finished, look down to see the boom AGAIN across Henry Street and a concrete-mixer comes into view from Orange Street: so THAT'S where the concrete will come from! This page seems to be going on forever! 9:30AM: Draw up a list of 8 questions for Steve L., but when I call, the secretary takes my number for him to call back. I'm surprised I'm still so uncertain about so MUCH: does HE check "attachment" or is that ONLY between me and John. He calls at 9:35 and we go through points: 1) "sell stamps to Mystic" goes in attachment. 2) "$50,000 to M.s to maintain ZolnerZone website" goes into will. 3) Rita beneficiary of a) Keogh, b) 2 IRAs, c) Ridgewood CD, (all with Paul as contingency) mentioned in will to explain why she doesn't get percentage. 4) "$10,000 to Village Playwrights" goes into will. 5) Co-op going private will in ANY form be included in my possessions, to be divided as executor sees fit. 6) Ken L. added as contingent executor. 7) He (and executor) keeps copy of attachment, which I can change at any time. 8) List of IRAs and Keogh and CD in attachment. 9) He suggested setting up the website as a company or partnership to assure maintenance, but I left that to the M.s for now. 10) I told him, "I could go through this forever, but things will change in five years," and he quickly replied, "So you'll change it in five years, we have to operate from day to day." So he'll incorporate everything into a draft that I'll come in and read, and edit, and it'll be finalized and signed, before October 1 when I go on vacation and October 6 when he goes on his "summer vacation." So now I go at 9:55AM to change attachment.

SUNDAY, 8/27/06: 10:19AM: Compelled to keep up with the various do-lists and accomplishments. No response yet from any of the Biblos. Still haven't finished work on the African DVD. On Friday I jerked off, since I was supposed to go to the gym that day, but didn't go until Saturday. Added two items to "after Kenya" list: 15) C.'s appointments, 16) Edit and resubmit "Current dreams." Took the newspapers down the hall one of these days, and probably it was Friday that I plowed through all the old mail and threw out a lot and put a big stack on my desk to replace the big mass on the dining-room table. Called early to Rite Aid to renew prescriptions, sorry that the Zetia had to be renewed and wouldn't be ready until Tuesday, since Rite Aid would call C. "the next business day," which would be Monday. Decided to GET the new prescription from C., which would give me an excuse to go in to Rite Aid, so I might as well do the drug-price check at the same time. Wait around noon for the prescription, which C. hands to me, saying that Rite Aid ALREADY called him and asked him for a refill prescription, so I could keep THIS for the NEXT time I needed it! Made an appointment for a physical on September 6, so I could cross #15 off my list, then picked up Fred's photo, for $1.81!, to cross off #12, and then checked that my discount from Rite Aid was 10% for being a senior, and they gave me their other prices, and I thanked the prescription person for getting to C. THAT day and having BOTH prescriptions ready for me to pick up! GREAT service, but the upshot is I'll be moving it to CVS, which is lots cheaper for everything but Finasteride (or whatever the generic Proscar is), taking #9 off the list, leaving it at a glorious SIX: the two slide-shows, which will care for themselves automatically, "Current dreams," the Beard cancellation when I'm SURE the trip is going (haven't heard about my roommate yet), and the two photo-dupes (Morocco and Africa) at Arnold's. Then, that night, check Tris's new page and resubmit an edited "Current dreams," crossing off #16, leaving FIVE. Saturday morning I make out ANOTHER list, of 12: 1) Arnold---2/06 Verizon phone book, told at 12:30PM. 2) Clean bathroom and apartment, still to be done. 3) Gym---went by 5:40PM. 4) Display WHOLE phone message, did by 12:20. 5) Figure Africa expenses---to do. 6) Finish "Africa Master"---to do. 7) Clear desk---to do. 8) Tris---page great, corrections, did by 1:30PM; they're not coming to slides Sunday. 9) Calculate CVS savings, did by 6:43PM. 10) Clear stamps away---to do. 11) Read Saturday Times and do puzzles, did by noon. 12) Watch Ebert and Roeper, but the ballgame continued for another hour past schedule. So that left me with FIVE on the list for Sunday! Find the Gaochang and Bezelik slides and add them to the North Vietnam carousel and LOOK at them all on my big screen to make sure it works tomorrow! Look at Italy, and MANY of the slides are TOO OLD to show, so I have to edit them on Monday, and maybe even look, at what appears to be the FIRST time, at the Florence video for excerpts. Work a bit on desk-stuff, getting many things cleared away but desk still full; work a bit on stamps until 10PM when I watch Opera Fanatic by Stefan Zucker, a horrible person, until 11:30 and go to bed. Sunday I finish the Sunday Times and put it away, take down the old paper blind in the bedroom at last and throw it away, water plants, catch my lists up to date, print the previous page to get the printer-paper started anew after I took out the last website printing, and decide I HAD to do THIS before anything else, finish at 10:50AM and ready to tackle the five-item do-list for today before 7PM!

TUESDAY, 8/29/06: 9:37AM: Sunday continued productively: From the five-item do-list for Sunday: #7 Clear desk, setting up piles on table to get things off the desk, and left with only the Visa statement for Africa expenses by 11AM; #10 Clear stamps away, updating some lists, putting all pages in one box with an enhanced "note to Mystic" sheet, and adding #17 to "after Kenya" list: Type more over-$1 stamp lists for Mystic, clearly for September, by 12:40, when I have lunch because I'm starved. Decide I have time to REALLY clean up living-room television area by doing #6 Finish "Africa Master" to 3:20. Then tackle the bathroom and kitchen, scrubbing sinks (having done dishes before, so I can put them away now) and floors, take all leaves out of dining-room table, move the cocktail table into living room for Sunday night's slides (Anita calls to say she can't come but would love to come in future; Judy calls for address and apartment number; Ken calls that he wants a check for $199 for Chicago), and I put out a tiny stack for Spartacus (Instinct magazine, which he gives to John C.2, and DVD-RAM for African Master), Sherryl (Symphony Space dates which she tosses back at me), and Ken (one videotape, check). Get out spare chairs, and figure I can cross off #2 at 5:30PM, leaving only #5 Figure Africa expenses for later. Cross off #14 from "after Kenya" list, leaving only 4, almost caught up! Put out 9 plates, lots of forks and knives (forgetting oregano and garlic, which I'd intended for pizza), all the bottles on the stove with over-many glasses to choose from, make more ice cubes, and sit at 6:30, after calling to Security that I'm expecting 8 people, with a glass of Edgardo's red wine, content with my preparations, having focused the slides on the new screen and put up chairs for 8, though the last is problematically placed. Sherryl arrives at 6:45, with Pepperidge Farm chocolate-hazelnut sticks; followed immediately by Judy and Innocent from Benin (I guess she told me about him, but I'd forgotten); then Ken and Stephanie, bringing tapes and two kinds of berries (rasp- and straw-, both delicious when I finish them after everyone leaves); Spartacus with sparkling cider for Sherryl, who opens it and serves some to Spartacus, and when John and Billy arrive just before 7PM, having had to catch a cab from Mulberry Street because subways were out because of a power failure at Jay Street, with two bottles of room-temperature white wine, I figure that's the lot, but then Piri rings and arrives with cheese twists at 7:02PM, so we're TEN! Start with videotape, which everyone loves, then settle in for slides about 7:30, Billy taking seat RIGHT UP at screen, three squeezing onto sofas, stopping in surprise at 8PM to order two pizzas, coming in 15 minutes for $26+$4 tip=$30, for which Judy and Piri leave $5 each, and slides go VERY well, everyone says, and they leave at 10PM and John and Billy and Spartacus and I end up at Park Plaza to 11PM, I finish goodies and get to bed at 11:30, exhausted. Sunday finish with Times and put everything away by 11AM, then feast on three of Ken's films, edit Italian slides, making a list of my 7 trips to Italy, three whole-Italy trips in show, one for each decade of 80s, 90s and 00s, going from 555 slides at start to 333 (really 335) and edited to 222 (really 228) for Sherryl-seat-comfort show. Then watch The Last Laugh and have a late dinner (partly because I had popcorn after lunch) and get to bed at 11PM. Wake at 5:45AM to no sign of sunrise, pee, play with myself but doze off, and up at 6:30 to add more titles from HH to Porno 3, cumming nicely by 7:45AM, then have breakfast, fill up all pillboxes, and start watching the Italian video, which I think I never watched, or if I did, the page I recorded everything on is lost or misplaced, but then stop about 9 to wash the facial mask off, not finishing it YET, having used the cleanser before and the "eyes" after, and take morning pills, and then get to this to DO it, feeling VERY good about my progress today, and finish now at 10:03AM.

SUNDAY, 9/3/06: 10:20AM: Still obsessing over do-lists. Read back and had done all but 4 from the "after Kenya" list, and on Thursday reduced it to three by canceling my 10/9 Beard reservation: 1) Print Morocco photos, 2) Send Africa DVDs with page, 3) Type more over-$1 stamp lists. Finished the facial mask and almost done with the eyes, but maybe decided to finish the morning cleansing cream before putting away the 2 left: sunscreen and evening moisturizer. Tuesday's slides attracted the biggest concentration of walkers EVER, and only Sherryl and Bill P. showed up for the hour's presentation from 2:10-3:10 that seemed to satisfy everyone. Phoned Fred for evening show and still haven't heard back from him. Decide to leave it up to HIM whether I show Italy evening in September or wait till the end of the year when he's back from Tahiti. Add note to call Susan Tuesday for next Heights-Hill Tuesday. Carolyn calls about 6PM asking about Italy, so I show it AGAIN for her, Venice somehow getting mixed in too many places, and we dine at Fortune House with their inferior egg foo yung. Wednesday I waste watching TV and playing Spider. Thursday is much the same, though I keep up at gym as a sop to obsession, still not doing African expenses. Friday triumphs as I sign will (though still lots of details left concerning it: 1) what AGAIN does "confusing" sentence mean, 2) copies needed, 3) put it AWAY at last). Also mail bills (rent and Visa) and write check for Paul R.'s marriage. More TV. Saturday I FINALLY figure the African expenses, telling Ken (in the midst of looking at Japan trip and at last convincing me I CAN take expensive extension: last REAL trip to Nikko was in 1964!, but many details wait until he talks with them on Tuesday) he owes me $232.20, which I finally correct my FINAL Africa expenses by. But desk is still cluttered. Throw away some intermediate lists as being finished, and NOW officially retire the "new" "after Kenya" list by adding the last three items at the TOP of new do-list, and now at 10:45AM just MUST have BREAKFAST! Sherryl calls to say she'll be here for Zardoz at 3-ish. Now at 11:15AM I'm back to finish this page, noting that my NEW do-list, if done now, would have about 18 items on it, but I hope to do MANY today, before making new list, having already watered plants (causing two to overflow) and set up Zardoz on the Panasonic. Determined to edit the KENTANZ slides and make up the slide-page before anything else, so I can consider that trip FINISHED, now that it's more than a month since I've been back from it! Left the shade down yesterday until I decided I wasn't going to do the slides then, and indulged in a lot of Spider, looking at the rain, putting on an undershirt for the first time for warmth this season, and this morning put the floor fan into the closet, the sure sign of a turn of seasons. Looking forward to a "reasonable" do-list and an equally reasonable set of piles on the coffee table of the things to do in the less-than-month before the Black Sea trip. Can't even THINK of the remoteness of accomplishing some of the tasks, like 1) Pinnacle learning and using, 2) blender learning and using, and 3) finding a viable alternative for maintaining ZolnerZone if something happens to both Tristan and Carolyn before I die. At least now at 11:22AM I can get to KENTANZ slides! So I have wash face and fill bowl for breakfast JUST before hot water shuts off for two hours at 10AM, finish New Yorker article on the Poincaré conjecture, phone John to leave word my sister will take care of website "in interim," phone Tris to get no phone machine, phone Shelley to GET phone machine, leave word with Ken for Friday, and finish this at 11:07AM, when I guess I SHOULD start the index, waiting to talk to Tristan before making the memo that will link all these people.

                              PANIC ATTACKS

WEDNESDAY, 9/6/06: 10:30AM: Started with two unnumbered notes: Ken---I'm going to Beard Friday lunch: 1) you leave balloon CD and videotapes for me, 2) I'll leave DVD+R for you to test. Website---1) CD of ALL FILES to Rita and Tris and Carolyn, 2) Tris: CD of SITE to me and Carolyn and Rita. Then I kept adding to

(1) my note to take to C. at 2PM today: 1) Physical, including LEG blood pressure? 2) blood work: cholesterol, triglycerides, sugar; 3) stress test? 4) tetanus booster? 5) new vaccines? 6) shingles shot? 7) foot swelling? 8) Monday and Wednesday: waking PANIC ATTACKS: heart racing, body tingling, short of breath, PANIC: great feeling of foreboding, like before a flight. Then I make note

(2) which includes C. as (1): Make NOTEREPL page 100: title-page list: 1) Where am I now? 2) List obsession, 3) Panic attack! 4) a) go to 100 to type, b) page up to current. 5) add Tris memos---including today's.

(3) Make MC\TR and keep ALL in MC ONLY. Make BACKUP files NOW!

(4) Shelley: PREtraumatic stress syndrome? Last night's "got in BACK of" Actualism/reality was out of body? Like PANIC: 1) wake, 2) float in bliss, 3) WHAM back in body, breathing hard, pain, age, OLD!

(5) People USE me as therapist:
1) Mildred---old family slights, hatreds, evils;
2) Spartacus---perfectionism, Jewishness;
3) Sherryl---cancer/aloneness/pain/weakness;
4) Vicki---need to lash out;
5) NOT Ken, Carolyn, Shelley;
6) Paul C.---former sex DEMANDS;
7) Joe E. and Bill H.---ENDING relationship;
8) Fred---mourning Sherman's death 8 years ago and James's perfidy through 9 years;
9) Paul M.---political, gay-haters, Blacks, RANTS.

(6) Related to old "If I'm caught up and happy, God will punish me or something BAD will happen." If I FINISH---EVERYTHING---do-lists, I'll DIE (Joan Collins in Land of the Pharaohs: "I don't want to die; I don't want to die.")

(7) Dichotomies: Status:
A: 1) Happy, caught up, composed---ALIVE! 2) Panic, despair, foreboding---DEAD! B: Afterlife: 1) Actualism "Being of Light," 2) Create my OWN paradise with people, sex, youth, happiness, 3) NOTHING!
C: Mood: 1) Wake HAPPY, EXCITED, to DO! 2) Wake in PANIC, DREAD, to DIE!

(8) I should be happy and I feel like shit! Manic/depressive???

(9) 1) Old joke: Read all the books, summarize to one book, to one chapter, to one sentence, to one word---and forget the word. 2) Live, eat, write, travel, sex, memories, wealth, accomplishments, success, happiness---DIE!

(10) Witness this WRITING MANIA to escape PANIC attack foreboding!

(11) Turn light on---fear of pen running out/writing OVER old cards---like the story of a blind man typing his masterpiece on a typewriter without a ribbon.

(12) Tree falls in a forest and no one hears it; I live my life and no one appreciates it. I want immortality and get NOTHING. But, I want website forever and to TALK to someone.

(13) Could this be pre-activation for Actualism session, now at 7:06AM. Got to bed at 12, sleep about 2, wake at 6. I die NOW and these notes are found: my LAST THOUGHTS.

(14) Actualism SPLITS a WHOLE INDIVIDUAL into a "being of light" and a "creature body"---but it's just ONE BEING!

(15) 1) Find BLANK card in stack of cards written on, 2) I DID overwrite my (1) with point 5) on (2), 3) Number cards to (15) now at 7:21AM, 4) Go BACK to Actualism session after peeing, 5) As long as I'm scribbling notes (and peeing and eating and absorbing entertainments and reading and doing puzzles and sudoku and talking on phone and typing and moping) I'm NOT DEAD---yet! 7:24AM.

(16) Dream: In a parade field OLD planes fly over, mixed with dandelion fluff, and a woman lands her old helicopter on edge of lake and walks among us.


THURSDAY, 9/7/06: 10:15AM: Do the index completely, finishing with 525 lines even though it looked like it might be much more after the first third and I phoned Jenny to make sure "maybe even up to 750 lines" would be OK. Call Tris and have a long talk with him about Rita's being "in the loop" and my writing a memo which would let him clarify everything, like Rita's responsibility if all three of us (me and Tris and Carolyn) happen to die before five years, and of his willingness to make a CD of the site to mail to Rita and Carolyn and me monthly in view of the half-million-dollar investment I've already made in the website, understanding my desire to protect it as much as possible, even though he's confident that the site itself is permanently safe at AOL in Cupertino, California, he not really giving credence to my possibility of some worm bringing down the entire AOL system and losing what work he's done already on the site. I call Carolyn and she agrees in principle to everything, and then Shelley calls back and we talk about her being fired from the job which has so far paid her only two-thirds her bill, and my panic attacks, and my pretraumatic stress disorder, and my website wishes, and she keeps insisting I use the term "when I die," rather than "if I'm not around anymore," using what she calls her traditional therapeutic "Fuck that shit" to wake people up to the actuality of their dying. Ken calls later and SAYS I didn't mention the videotapes, though I insist that I certainly thought I HAD, or had absolutely INTENDED to. Also have to update the MEDICAL file on my visit to C. yesterday, which leads me now to look for Dr. J.'s name in my earlier pages of MEDICAL, which I update to 10:30, succeeding in fasting until getting blood test before 11, when I'm due to pick up MoMA card from Spartacus. Call the HIP Mental Health number 1-718-834-1500 and get an automated message to put in the first four letters of the last name, so I enter them and get a recording from Dr. J. that I should leave a message, which I do, and he'll get back to me. Finish this at 10:35AM, time to wash up and leave for blood tests.

SATURDAY, 9/9/06: 7:53AM: HAD started doing this about 20 minutes ago, and tried to switch from putting my own NOTEBOOK and page number and date at the top of the page, which would have to be edited out when it got to the website, by putting in a HEADER which would automatically number the pages, but put in "NOTEREPL" by mistake, and in changing it to "NOTEBOOK" somehow I FROZE WP51, so that I had to reset, losing everything after "blood tests," above. 7:55AM: Try looking at these pages AGAIN, and it doesn't freeze again, so I've made some progress. But, sadly, the thought strikes me that my already-printed pages 1-30 will be two lines SHORTER than the document on the website because I would have REMOVED the header-line, but it might even out (almost) since 30 times 2 lines is 60 lines, just ABOUT a page, so maybe I'll just come out one page SHORT? To continue with Thursday, got to the blood tests, having to wait from 11AM to NOON, back for a quick breakfast, and out to MoMA with Spartacus's membership card for the Dada exhibit, which I went through from 1:15-3:45PM, good but not great, as I report to Sherryl that evening. Watch the rest of Spike Lee's 4-hour When the Levees Broke, with his interview on Charlie Rose and with Brian Williams's one-hour special on Katrina, all on DVDs from Spartacus. Tristan calls about my duplication of "Therapy Parody (The OIs Have It)" and some other detail (now I remember: the reason for the overflow CurrDreams is that the number of PIXELS in a "page" is limited to something like 13,000, but his way of continuing is OK with me. This comes back when I type "pixel form" below). Take note through Friday morning: Bed 12:40AM, awake to 1:15, count backward from 100 about 5 times. Dream unremembered. Pee at 4:20AM, count backward, start Actualism, but just CAN'T sleep, so UP at 5:30 Friday with the thought "Can I make MY file of website CurrDreams to proof without tying up time on the Internet?" So I go directly to the computer, find that I can "save file" in website, which goes to MyDocuments/Scan/CurrDream, which I stupidly try to find in the NEW computer before it dawns on me that I saved it in the OLD computer, so switch back to that and FIND it, using a rather slow-starting Netscape 6 to GET it in pixel form, which I can't access to change, so I make a 10-item list of cx in CurrDreams that I e-mail to Tris, and later e-mail three RTFs with more corrections, but then this morning (Saturday) it dawns on me to ask him if it wouldn't be simpler to MAKE the corrections in MY files, and then convert them to RTFs to be sent to him to REPLACE the corrected files. Then try to get Netflix, which I do, and try to sign up for a free trial, having found they do NOT have Best Evidence, which pair of words shows up in subtitles to four OTHER movies, but they DO have Chop Suey, which I'd like, but by 7:54AM, after I've copied down that I can ask questions at 1-800-715-2135 Monday-Friday 8AM-10PM, I try to register, get down to a security lock, and get "Page cannot be displayed," so I settle for breakfast at 8:02AM. Phone them at 9:30, waiting a long time, and get told that their security system is "new and good" and my old Windows can't handle it, so I can't register for Netflix on MY computer, but might try it through Spartacus! Finish watching Taking Lives, and go to the gym and return Spartacus's MoMA card in an envelope to Bob L.'s apartment, and get to 14th Street to leave Ken's 3 old videotapes and the Africa DVD (forgetting the sheet!) and picking up 3 new videotapes and the Ballooning CD before getting to a crowded Beard at 12:05PM for decent appetizers, a seating at table 6 while Fred's at table 4, but Zay manages to make a switch so I sit next to Madeleine, sitting next to Fred as she demands, and to Jeff, who's good company for the really very good meal with too much wine that leaves me with a headache after I get home with three porn videos from World of Video, which asks for a new credit-card security but WAIVES the membership charge for another year, saying I have to get these back by 9PM Sunday. Take a nap after taking aspirin to get rid of headache, try sudoku until I get stymied, play some Spider to get to a good high of 48.50288 after two wins at 11:58PM, have two cream-cheese sandwiches to take night pills and get to bed about 1:27AM Saturday. Oh, also called Fred, who sets up Monday 12/11 for my Italian-slide evening, so I start listing whom I should call to invite. Wake about 5:30AM Saturday, mind awhirl, stay in bed till about 7:15AM, can't sleep, so I get up and shit and wash face and start typing, finishing this page at 8:25AM ready to start making GRAND list for this month!

Note from THURSDAY, 9/7/06 (I think; note not DATED): Bed 12:20, look at clock 12:40 and 1:XX, 2:XX, pee at 3:56. Think (NO sleep!) to 4:35. 5:07 think to Google Alexander Van Dyke. Pee 5:16, put on eye mask. Look at clock 5:51, 5:57, 6:10. DREAM [DREAMS:9/7/06]. Cum (this clued me to look at cum-list, which I think is accurate, and 9/10 was Sunday with videos from World of Video, so cum BEFORE that must be THIS day!) 7:17-7:45. Count backward, doze, dream 2, and check DREAMS to find that I DID cum at 7:45 on Thursday, 9/7! Up at 9:07, shit and read New Yorker to 9:56AM just to get into day.

Note from FRIDAY, 9/8/06: 5:30AM Note: Can I make FILES of CurrDreams and CurrDreamCont to proof? I can, downloading to MyDocuments/Scan, and stupidly looking in NEW computer for files, then realize they're in OLD computer, and they ARE there, using Netscape 6 to look at them when they DO show up! I proof and make a list of errors starting at 6:13AM and ending at 10:10AM for second set. E-mail Tristan 11PM.

Note from SATURDAY, 9/9/06: 8:26AM: JUST NOW (after HOW many years??) notice that my Panasonic printer has character-count MARKS on the inside of its transparent noise-shield!

SUNDAY, 9/10/06: From note: Take Ambien 10:50PM and bed 11PM. Wake at 6:15, having STRANGE mympths. Doze, pee at 7:05, up 7:40AM. Cum while watching videos I rented from World of Video (which I return this afternoon).

MONDAY, 9/11/06: Maybe today was note on talking to Tristan on site: the site is in California, he gets 2 gigabytes for $100/year. HTML works in PIXELS, and you need SOFTWARE to manipulate with HTML. He uses Freeway. I propose a monthly backup system. He mentions FrontPage and DreamWeaver as HTML programs for PC. Talk to Shelley and she recommends her nephew Danny, who typed some for me, as Webmaster, since he's only 37 and works on quality control for a cell-phone company.

THURSDAY, 9/14/06: 6:46AM: Type an unremembered pair of dreams [DREAMS:9/14/06], and figure to pour out my frustrations here, but feel content now to just NOTE them, and leave the details to later, after I've gotten back into and back out of bed. 5PM: Since I finished Ken's tapes last night, I finish AFI's 100 "most inspiring films," making a list which really isn't worth typing, so I just file the two pages in Scrapbook! Clear up living room, then coffee table, then desk, leaving 10 stacks on table and Italy-slide-evening list and Before-Black Sea list on desk. Now to update Mympths file and make CX to CurrDreams to RTF to Tris, then try to find the missing pages from "Child's World." Beard tonight, Neue Galerie tomorrow with Charles followed by Joel Robuchon with Ken and Games Group on Sunday.

SUNDAY, 9/17/06: 11:34AM: In a MANIA to clean up as much as possible I: 1) enclose the Schwab IRA death-form and the old New York Times Magazine article on Akron, some other state, to Rita to get it off the table, 2) Google Frances Biblo to find she's DIED 10/8/04 and some reference to Biblo and Tannen leads me to Homer F. on the BrooklynHeights blog, so I write HIM trying to find couple whose names I can't find at ALL now, 3) Look at TicketCentral for Absinthe and find tickets are $68, too rich for a few semi-nude bodies, 4) look at the website to find he's FINISHED with Short Fiction (Ideas), except for the return to Short Fiction being, in error, return to Short Fiction (Ideas), 5) Try for Love in Time, but don't find it, and 6) continue to Amazon to try for it, and it's not there, either. Now in a tizzy to finish this page and get out to the gym, arriving BEFORE my noon admittance time, so I can finish by 1PM to get out to Games Group on time before seeing The Persians, hoping to get SOME kind of dinner in neighborhood MEANWHILE.

TUESDAY, 9/19/06: 12:32PM: Returned DVD to Spartacus on Monday so he could tape Prison Break Monday night, which he hadn't thought of asking me to do. Tried insisting he try printing Morocco photos, but he says there's something wrong that he has to correct, but doesn't have time now. Tuesday morning I try to print photo: can't print photo in e-mail, but CAN download JPEG attachment to diskette, so I try PhotoImpression (which reads only top 15%), Easy Photo Print (which tries endlessly to read A:), Dell Picture Studio (now expired), Zoom Browser (which won't accept A:), Video Impressions (but there's no .VPF on A:), Studio Version (which only captures video; it does say I could capture 1:45 in film!), Acrobat Reader (which probably comes as close as I'll get, saying, "Cannot open...corrupted (for example, it was sent as an email attachment and wasn't correctly decoded)." At last try Kodak Easy Share, and try "add pictures" and again it recycles endlessly. Erase the diskette and put it back. THAT still remains to be done, and only Spartacus can do it. This morning I was DETERMINED to take things off the list, so I filled out the envelopes for the K.s and J.s, but had the wit to TRY one of the Africa DVDs to find it was EMPTY, so I sent the K.s the DVD-RAM and the J.s the DVD+R, hoping they can use them and apologizing for taking so much time. Get the mail, watch a GCT DVD advertisement for 15:19 while having breakfast, and had borrowed the dolly (which I didn't know I had to sign up for) after asking about storage and Ron not knowing and Pineda saying (with some contempt) that some company has a big waiting list, all areas are like 4x4x4 feet and a yearly rental would cost as much as buying a new television, so I loaded it onto the dolly and took it down to the Compactor Room door to be met by the young guy who said HE would take it down, so maybe there's some hope it can be recycled, since I put a note on it saying, "This TV MAY work." Sent the memo about website maintenance to Tris yesterday, and he phoned this morning with troubles with my RTF of HISTB, and it turns out the page-breaks weren't being recognized, and he'd forgotten the trouble he'd taken formatting the original files to put IN the black line for the page-break, and he finally asks for a Word document of HISTB which would make it clear how it should look, and I send it to him, getting more junk mail in the process. Carolyn responded last night and I answered her questions before watching Finding Nemo, the climax to Monday in which I ONLY watched films on TV while waiting for Mark M. from Mystic who never showed up and never even called! STILL hasn't called, though I put a Message 2 saying I'd be back at 12:45 when I went to Spartacus's, and put the phone off the hook when I left to take the TV downstairs, deciding it just wasn't worth the SPACE to keep it. Had to unplug the Panasonic when, for some reason, the thing froze with the DVD-platter OPEN, and it just wouldn't go back, and unplugging solved the problem. Sunday night I finished a two-page additional stamp-list, taking THAT off the do-list. Have seven people signed up for Italy slides on 12/11, waiting to hear from Ken, Judy, Tris and Tori, and John and Billy. So we could be as many as FOURTEEN! But I cross THAT item off the do-list, leaving the list at THREE: 1) print Morocco photos, 2) CD of ALL FILES to Rita/Tris/Carolyn, 3) check C. for test results. Only FIVE stacks on the coffee table, now nicely denuded of the TV: 1) Pinnacle to look at eventually, 2) website work, 3) note about Morocco photos, 4) note about Carol T. sending me two point-and-shoot cameras for the cost of postage, and 5) the New Jersey day on Saturday. Printed out the revised NORETURN page, and then decided I had to do this page to clear THAT page out of the printer, since I'd fallen behind in this anyway. Still have three videotapes of Ken's to watch, the Heights-Hill BBQ to go to at 3:30 for lunch, and my first therapist meeting on Pierrepont Street tomorrow. Told Tris about the "return to sfideas" rather than sf, and he convinced me that the AOL site is COMPLETELY backed up and protected by the COMPANY, so only HE could mess up the site inadvertently. Decide to FOLLOW the NORETURN memo to generate backups of all my current files to see if the damn thing WORKS, Carolyn saying she'd need ANOTHER practice session to be sure.

WEDNESDAY, 9/20/06: 10:02AM: Yesterday ended in frustration as it seemed I had to REBOOT each time I used the CD-burner, though today I didn't seem to have that problem. Went to bed at 1 after finishing Mr. Reliable and woke around 5:30AM to pee and then kept thinking and thinking and finally got out of bed at 7:15AM to start day. Made three backup CDs of AR, JV, RTF, and WP51 to send to Tris, Carolyn, and Rita, to complete the third-last item on do-list, and checked that Dr. C. is in at 9AM today for second-last item on do-list, and since there's a note about the Morocco photo on coffee table, I can THROW OUT DO-LISTS and just go by the piles on the table, which eliminates the problem of "Do I add index to do-list" by eliminating do-lists. Bring AR into shape by reconstructing FNOV1 from FNOV1 and FNOV2 in FN directory and storing it as FNOV1 in AR to parallel the FNOV1.DOC that Word wasn't able to "convert back" to WP51 format, insisting on appending the DOC extension no matter which WP save-as choice I selected---sadly AFTER making the backup CDs. Starred the 34 AR items on the RTF list, tried to clarify what has to be looked at in WP51 if anything happens to me, and vaguely wondered who would execute the "If I don't come back" page if Carolyn isn't available (steering clear of Shelley's "DIES" as more direct than "isn't available" [here] or "can no longer do it," [9/18 memo]). Now at 10:15AM I'm STARVING for BREAKFAST.

THURSDAY, 9/21/06: 8:28AM: Finished typing my dreams   [DREAMS:9/21/06] and want to start a page with a title about my first session with Sharon B., but when I look at this page it's not at the page-boundary, and with Tris's problems with page breaks (though since he'll be getting subsequent files in Word format, that shouldn't be a problem) I don't want to do a hard page in the middle of this page 34, which of course later will become 334 if this is the third in the series of 1-100 numbered NOTEREPLs, or be 434 if this is the fourth. But the NOTEREPL numbers, like all current DREAMS and MEDICAL and COMPCHRO numbers, will appear only in the headers, so I can sort the printed pages, and will disappear in the website---which negates the concern about whether this is 334 or 434, above---which will go only by dates in one continuous "page." So at first glance a new TITLE can come anywhere on this page---but to what purpose? Two problems arise: 1) If I start an "embedded title," I'll have to figure some way to indicate "end of embedded title." 2) I don't think I intend to start a new list of "title-page titles," since they're just labeled parts of NOTEBOOK---though, it now occurs to me, the titles WILL appear in the left margin (that I keep trying to get rid of) of the text as a Word document. So that still begs the question "How do I handle this?" while my nose runs and I want to clip my toenails and put my socks on and get into my day. So I stop typing at 8:37AM.

SHARON B. 1         9/20/06

FRIDAY, 9/22/06: 8:40AM: My first session was Wednesday at 5PM. Checked in at the desk at 55 Pierrepont, and the guy did NOT phone her, as he was directed, so he said I could go up the stairs or go back and take the elevator. The stairs were closer, so I climbed them and entered a vacant hallway. Went down to one end, somehow expecting to see her name on a door, and someone came out of another doorway and I asked where Sharon was, and she said she probably had an office inside the Administration door, so I went in there to find no one at the closest three desks, so I had no choice but to wander toward the back to see if I could find a live person. A young woman came out of the far office and I looked at her and asked where I could find Sharon B., and she stuck out her hand and said, "Bob? I'm Sharon." Shook hands and went back to her awkward office, which had an L-shaped desk, a small chair in the corner, and a comfortable chair in the middle of the room. She offered me to sit, and she sat in the corner and I sat in the middle chair, somewhat half-visible to her. I started with a description of my week-ago pair of panic attacks, then an outline of my previous therapy at HIP, then, when she asked no leading questions, went into my former fear of flying, my not wanting to take medications to feel good, my search for "Joy," which led me to think I was depressed when I had none, and then how I feel joy dealing with my website. And she complimented me on my interests and varied life. At some later point, after I'd described what a bitch my mother was and how we could tell she was slipping into Alzheimer's when she became apathetic and non-cutting, and how I was afraid of getting it, though not quite willing to go through Shelley's search for genetic predispositions so that I'd "know" if I was in danger, since my father died at 57 before he had a chance to develop any mental deficiency. Talked vaguely about my grandmothers, my LSD trip, my "slowing down so that people actually passed me on sidewalks," and toward the end my disappointment with my decreasing libido, partially caused by my testosterone-diminishing Proscar, and expressing puzzlement over Ken's possible operation simply because he didn't want to suffer retrograde orgasms with the strongest prostate-lessening medication. Told her of my upcoming October 1 trip, which will probably be the crux of next Wednesday's meeting, and she took lots of notes, saying that all I was saying was very good, and then asking if I had any questions about HER, so I responded, "OK, who ARE you?" She laughed and said she'd been a therapist for 11 years, used this Catholic office though she was a Protestant who wanted to be a nun when she was six as I'd wanted temporarily to be a priest at six, that she was amazed how young I seemed at 70 and she wanted the praise returned when she said she was 40, married, no children, and when I mentioned obsessive-compulsivity, she laughed and said that was her specialty, so my talked-about luck worked again, and it seemed we'd have a fruitful relationship, since she typed me as a "listener" when I told about the M.s' six kinds of cancer between them, Fred's complaints about growing old, Caesar's phone call about his prostate cancer, and Ken's "spoiling" the Robuchon dinner with his prelude about his prostate problems and pain and urinary difficulties, and said that it was good just to TALK about what our problems were, and I (possibly prematurely) expressed some relief right in this first meeting, being able to take a deeper breath at the lessening of the anxieties that I still felt about all these aging friends and my declining energies and enthusiasms, "not even interested in new plays or new movies." We agreed to meet next week, and I assumed it would still be at 5PM, though maybe I should call her. Wondered about the time, and she assured me when I still had 15 minutes left, then ten minutes, then stretched out the time to 6:05PM when I left, wishing me a good dinner at the Beard House, which she hadn't heard of but said at least she recognized Julia Child's name. She also said I was very attractive, which I brushed off by saying that it didn't matter what my WOMEN friends said, I wanted to be found attractive by a prospective mate, which I wasn't even holding out any hopes for recently. There's probably a lot left to talk about, next week, and then a two-week hiatus when I go to the Black Sea, but then a few more weeks on before I leave on the last two trips of the year. Felt good about her, debated writing this page yesterday when it might have been from fresher memories, but feel content with what I've done so far. Now how do I get out of this? (CONTINUE TO SHARON B 2)

Note: 8:55AM: I'll try switching back to "regular" NOTEREPL by a hard page, which Tris will now recognize since I'll be supplying Word documents, and the "interpolated title-pages" can be set off by the title and the hard-page break used ONLY at the end of them. Let's start the "page 101 titles" to see how THAT might work. 10:06AM: Slaved over taking out the hand-typed NOTEREPL pages and generating the titles on page 101. Tried a "page adjustment" on a prior page to get back to pages I'd already printed, and printed out sample pages to make sure everything looks OK.

SATURDAY; 9/23/06: 8:34AM: Took a Buspar at 12:30 this morning and another just now, wanting to get rid of the prescription from 3/1/96 and feeling that I'm getting more and more anxious, without really wanting to ADMIT I'm feeling anxious about the flights, boosted by getting plane tickets from OAT for the Amazon trip and finding that they've routed me from New York to BOSTON to Miami to La Paz, which is ludicrous, starting flying about 2:30PM and not landing until 16 hours later about 6:30AM. AND not having window seats for most of the flights, though I TOLD OAT that that's what I always wanted. Didn't phone C. again on Friday for blood-test results, nor did I phone Rite Aid for more Valium, though it occurs to me THIS MINUTE to get out my Zetia paper prescription from C., to which I should add a new Valium prescription from C. (at least I'll get the readings IN the office!) so that I can take both of them to CVS to start my prescriptions there, since they're cheaper than Rite Aid and give the same senior discount and phone-renewal services. Try Actualism to sleep, and probably doze off because I never really even get into the session. Think and think about what I still have to do: enlarge list of website tasks; start ASME index; transcribe dreams and mympths; still take care of stamp-evaluation, prescription-getting, pile-sorting, thing-doing; and feel depressed that NEW things have to be done: get earplugs, stamps, toilet paper, CD jewel cases; memo to Tris about new convention in NOTEREPL of titles, the ends of contents of which are indicated by page breaks. Got to shower here today without going to gym since I have to leave in the morning (and I smell), carry cell phone for the first time when I may have to use it, stomach queasy from anxiety, thinking of phoning Paul to mail me some Diamox so I don't have to get a prescription for them, when he'll probably get a stack for only 6-7 days' usage. Actually THROW away (after debating saving it in "personal" file) before-Black Sea do-list, since every undone item is now a stack on my coffee table, and the only real DO-LIST left is the website tasks. Finally finished the last of Ken's videotapes last night at 12:30 after watching a rather awful Nip/Tuck---have to tell Spartacus that, for me, nudity is MALE FRONTAL, not backal, but still have 4 hours of Andy Warhol on tape to watch. And maybe recording something today. Now feel that maybe breakfast will settle my still-roiling stomach and stop typing at 8:51AM.

MONDAY, 9/25/06: 8:59AM: Yesterday had breakfast after noon, since I was determined to finish reading all the Times, having done all the puzzles the evening of Saturday and finishing by 1AM Sunday and then watching the hour-long program on The Hobbit from Indonesia until just a few minutes after 2AM. Got up late, breakfasted late, stayed with Spider until leaving for MAN, drank too much wine and ate too much food, but perversely determined to get groceries and Dulce de Leche and Hot Fudge Sauce and milk and salad stuff at Gristede's, pigged out while sitting watching fluffy clouds from my balcony, and fought off the feeling of wanting to go to bed at 8:30PM by watching two hours of Andy Warhol, some of which I nodded out during, and then settled into a "bit" of Spider that took until just before midnight. Woke 5:30 with angst and finally took my first Valium, just not willing to feel TENSE, like I was chewing up my insides with suppressed adrenaline, and felt better when I finally got up at 8:30, shat, and get this out, finishing at 9:04AM, into day.

TUESDAY, 9/26/06: 10:43AM: Took Valium yesterday but didn't need it yet, today. Felt good after I guess not-that-much wine last night at Beard, home and bed early. Up at 7 and cleaned desk to 9AM, called Schwab to find I'd made a terrible mistake on my balance and was inadvertently paying interest on a margin-loan of about $2200 for checks that cleared 9/1-9. But my Bob Evans sale will cover that AND my Visa bill and rent by October 1, BUT I'll need $11,000 MORE by end-October to pay for my Japan trip in March! Phoned Springer to bug them on my bill, tried Quies on the Internet but couldn't get pages to display so I'll write them a letter. Left a second message with Kimberley at Beard on my last billing. Now to eat breakfast and get into index!


Watching the four-hour Burns documentary (which I didn't have to see at Film Forum, free, because they showed it on Channel 13 later), I learned that it was the poet John Giorno who was sleeping in Warhol's Sleep (with whom I talked on the subway after I saw it in a dumpy movie house), AND that he shot all these long-time films at 24 frames/second but projected them at the silent-film speed of 16 frames/second, which slowed them down to their drug-like languorous pace.

SHARON B. 2      9/27/06

Forgot to type this up after Wednesday, 9/27/06: The front door was locked when I got there, but when I knocked, the attendant came back from the bathroom and complained that I wouldn't let her go to the toilet! This prompted Sharon to give me her cell-phone number, telling me to bring my cell phone so I could call her to come down and let me in if I found myself locked out, which she said could happen often. I forget most of the session, except that after I rambled on a bit (nothing about the upcoming trip, however) she said she wanted to know more about my parents, so I told tales about Mom and Dad and Dad's mother before he died, and how Mom acted before and after she got Alzheimer's and a bit about my sister, and probably a lot of current feelings, but she ended wishing me a good trip, saying we'd meet at 5PM on October 18, after I got back from Budapest. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 3). (RETURN TO SHARON B. 1)

SATURDAY, 9/30/06: 8:03AM: Took an Ambien about 9:30PM last night, just to make sure I slept, though I felt exhausted from the day for some reason, probably from the quantity of food and wine taken at the surprise Beard Italian lunch discount offer phoned to me at 9:30AM by a friendly Anita F., and I tried phoning Spartacus, Shelley, Mildred, Fred (who was there anyway), Ken, and Carolyn to go along, with no results. Lunched until 3:15 and got home to do some more title-page-number proofing, and finally figured out my Visa bill by at last determining that I hadn't taken off the prepaid bills from LAST month's bill, and then getting ready and going late to meet Paul in the Excelsior Hotel at 5:15 for a screwdriver and conversation about our upcoming trip, and then to Louie's Westside Cafe for mediocre meatloaf and chicken for dinner, at which neither of us had appetizer or dessert, but a bottle of mediocre Albarino for $32, less than the poor $37 bottle of wine he had last night with his friend at the Ocean Grill on Columbus, which Paul took me past to see, after I looked into Calle Ocho and decided I wasn't interested in their menu. Came home full and drunk about 8:45 and decided to go to bed early, even though I have the Beard tonight and can't time-adjust before Budapest tomorrow. Slept through until 4:15AM, when I woke to pee and take a Valium to protect myself from any anxiety today as I finish up everything before the trip and start packing. Slept again, drowsy due to the Ambien, I guess, or just wanting to get away from anticipatory life, and up at 7:45 to type my dream [DREAMS:9/30/06] and decide to REALLY clear off my coffee table by putting 1) the 12/11 Italian-slide list at 12/11 in the calendar, 2) the from-April Spartacus-print-my-Morocco-photo-slides note in the permanent stack on the current calendar page with five other items, and 3) the Springer-bill-delay note and 4) Mystic Stamp numbers---well, I was going to put them in my "current-card file" in front of my indexing-card box, but decide to add THEM to the current calendar page so I can check them weekly, to which I add 6) my " a) bill $11,000 to Citi 11/3 if they TAKE such a big bill, b) statement closing date 11/8, c) billed to Visa 12/3, d) due 1/8/07!" note. That leaves ONLY TWO stacks on the coffee table: 1) Pinnacle learn and 2) website, which I feel is just wonderful! With a note to finish today for Shelley about "Miss America and childhood repressed memories." Hope to finish proofreading the title-page numbers and send them to Tristan today, having had a good talk on the phone with him yesterday: 1) hit-list is a good, rather simple, idea, 2) cookies go from website to clicker, rather than clicker to website; people would have to REGISTER to be counted, 3) Science Fiction story-list is really 15, not 17, and 4) comments ON the site would be difficult: there has to be another site where they enter their comments into the familiar little boxes, which are then downloaded by the Webmaster and uploaded onto the site, and we agreed that this would be nice "in two or three years." He had no more questions on my 9/28 memo, and I said I'd try to get him the title pages, which I instructed to put on the BioB page with a comment, before I leave for Budapest, wishing him a good operation that will leave him in the hospital only one night and hopefully return him home feeling "as good as he feels now." Finish typing this at 8:25AM, NO MORE full days left before leaving for Budapest tomorrow night! TRAVEL:BUDAPEST