Any comments or questions about this site, please contact Bob Zolnerzak at





2010 2 of 7

FRIDAY, 2/19/10: When I finally leave Spider, playing from 8:45-10:15AM, I find I've sunk to 51.00336 at 406 up after 2 wins, at least still above 51%. Shelley doesn't call for lunch, so I call Charles and agree to meet him at the Onassis Gallery at 3:30 for the Cretan El Greco influences. While I was out, Chin called to say there were still no cardiology results. The exhibit was very good, Charles even following around a tour guide for a bit of additional information. Out about 5PM to have a good cheeseburger at Prime Burger, which had once been in the Hamburger Heaven chain, but when I checked my restaurant list from the dim past, I hadn't recorded eating in either that many times. Back to sit through more television, simply utterly wasting time. To make the day totally miserable, I did Taipei from 1-2:35PM and then got totally obsessed with SOLITAIRE from 8-12:30AM! And DON'T even feel incredibly GUILTY! Can Sharon be doing TOO well with having me excuse myself?

SATURDAY, 2/20/10: Typed productively in REORGCHR to 9:45AM, after which my good resolutions fade and I do the puzzles until just after noon, getting a call from Marj who says that we haven't talked in a week, maybe a new record. Spartacus says he won't be able to go to "Kings of the Dance" tomorrow, so I phone Carolyn, who doesn't call back, and Charles, who agrees to go. Go to the gym. Back for the mail to find that I HAVE a roommate for the Five Stans, saving $1195! Watch "Frost/Nixon" on HBO, quite good acting, actually, from both of them.

SUNDAY, 2/21/10: Look at the Times, reading an amusing article about how depression might be GOOD for our obsessions! Watch an excellent "The International," with a BELIEVABLE plot that banks are ruling the world through their profits from WARFARE! Both Charles and I enjoy "The Kings of the Dance," though the Times critic HATED it---probably homophobic? Have a killer cheeseburger and hot fudge sundae at Brooklyn Diner afterwards. Back for more TV: "Summer Hours" and "Grey Gardens," for the last half, again.

MONDAY, 2/22/10: Actually do inroads on reorganizing three countries before quitting in uncertainty. Watch the BAFTA awards from 2009, and "Twilight," not that great a vampire picture. Get to Scrabble at EFA, playing two games with a young woman who doesn't do well at all, then an excruciating game with an old fart who eats his pizza and comments on other games and gets two bingoes in a row and makes me totally sick. May not return! Back to sit through Olympics for a few hours. Still not doing much of ANYTHING.

TUESDAY, 2/23/10: Spider from 9-9:50AM to 51.0072 at 408 up after 3 wins, but when I go back later, after the gym, at 3:20 I play until 6:10, just doing MISERABLY, having gone below 51%, and I have to leave for the slides on St. Petersburg, little attended because of the snow, not as good slides as mine, and watch "Pink Panther 2" with a somewhat better Steve Martin.

WEDNESDAY, 2/24/10: Recorded my Spider debacle at 9:15AM on Thursday. Took a valium, as recorded on my dream note, and watched the commentary on "Pink Panther 2" while brushing my teeth for the last time before seeing DiMatteo at 2PM. She put in the crown to find that it left too-great a food pocket for both our wishes, so I have to go back in a week. At least I know that it'll be totally painless. After Sharon I decide to treat myself to a Five Guys burger, which is almost too much because it's a DOUBLE patty for just $7.50, which I charge as my fifth Chase Visa bill this month, ready to be cancelled on March 1. As recorded below, got to bed at 1:?5AM.

THURSDAY, 2/25/10: 9:15AM: Got to bed at 1:?5AM (it looks like I'd written 1:05AM, but I thought it was later, maybe even as late as 1:35AM) after a Spider binge that started at 7:35 when I was desperate to get my average above 51%, but deciding to stop after three sessions that ended with 50.9967% (getting there in stages of 50.97865 [after the disastrous session Wednesday which I couldn't even bring myself to calculate] recorded after my 2:50-3:45 session, continued to 4:20 down to 50.97594, then COMPULSIVELY, after Sharon, from 7:35-11:40 to 50.98966, continuing to 12:25AM to 50.99438, temptingly so close to 51.0 that I continued to 1:?5AM, fearing that a fourth would take me ridiculously late, and the game was becoming UNPLEASANT to play!). Peed and shit before bed and got comfortably to sleep after doing only a few "passes" with Actualism. Woke at 8:50AM and looked out at a GLORIOUS, PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL snowfall! Large, fluffy flakes, uniform across my entire view, falling slightly slanted with very little wind and variation, just having started because the tops of cars were totally white with little discernible depth and the sidewalks and streets were wet but still clear. Just perfect to sit and watch, agape (almost typing agaga), hoping it will last for at least a foot! But that it won't discourage Charles from having lunch at Spice Market. Had good thoughts about "problems": 1) for the website pages, just put everything into the file with the "do now" folder on top to tackle when I return to website tasks; 2) for the REORGCHR, a) forget about the idea of "sorting discards into neat piles" and just pile everything into white bags for paper-trash, b) clear a space on the table so I can DINE comfortably, c) clear out "the shelf above" so I can raise it to allow putting FINAL books on the larger shelf below and maybe even move the slide scanner and camcorder to the smaller shelf above, and d) try the idea of a FAT "look at later" manila folder on the final-book shelf for all the Mauritius-Reunion material that stopped me with its beauty, yet true nonutility-for-saving [and duplicate this section into REORGCHR]; 3) for everything else: a) MAIL the Schwab Visa check, b) DO the Journey in Diversity (JID) trip credit-card page and bill, c) START the minimum-yearly-distribution process for the two Schwab accounts, d) PHONE United to make sure my miles are safe with my May flights. So NOW I can do the Sharon note at 9:35AM! Finish that satisfactorily by 9:57PM and will perversely try Spider ONCE to try to break past the 51% mark! But at 10:44AM I can only TIE the 405 up at 50.9965, which is DOWN! Snow still BEAUTIFUL, Shevy confirms my Beard mushroom dinner tomorrow, so I SHOULD feel good as I head toward BREAKFAST! After breakfast I decide to finish Chris Adrian's "Gob's Grief," quite incredible when Gob's "machine to revive all the war dead" actually EXCHANGES him for his dead brother Tomo! Jotted notes from page 11 about "petting his snake," "Tomo had seen this thing done before, but it was not something he thought he would like to do himself." Page 22 a man killed, "Little pieces of Aaron Stanz---a finger, a portion of his hat, part of his nose---were suddenly not there, and then he proceeded to disintegrate as butterfly-sized pieces of flesh and bone flew away from him. He ran to within a few yards of Tomo before there was not sufficient body left for his will to propel." Page 24 Tomo killed, "The first bullet went wide, but the second passed into Tomo's left eye, and killed him dead. Tomo fell down in the cool grass, and his fever began very slowly to depart from him." Page 189 "What's grief if not a profound complaint? It's what the engine will do; it will complain...our machine will grieve away the boundaries between this world and the next." Page 196 the working of the machine, "It was the purpose of the machine to harness the energies of loss and grief and bring them to bear on the silver bowl, to call back a spirit---his brothers's---and see it installed in flesh. And he knew that once this was accomplished, the walls between the dead and the living would become weak and soft, because the law that declared there was no return from death would be broken, and this law was the foundation of the walls that kept the dead out of the world. The machine would reach through the weakened wall and pluck them, one by one, back into life." Page 198 the (too long to transcribe) birth of five-year-old Pickie Beecher from the body of a fetus (who also appeared in "The Children's Hospital," and page 330 the wonderful quote "Who will dare to unlock the luminous portals of the future with the rusty keys of the past?" Then back to Spider 12:10-2:05, when I had to quit to meet Charles at Spice Market at 2:30, to finally rise again above 51% to 51.01037 at 411 up after 2 wins. Took the subway to 13th Street and sloshed through the slush to meet a shivering Charles in the doorway at 2:35PM, and we had a reasonably decent, though not extraordinary, lunch to about 4PM, when we mushed uptown, taking a block of heat from the Chelsea Market between 9th and 10th Avenues, to 24th street to the Andrea Rosen Gallery for Wolfgang Tillmans' photographs, which neither of us were very impressed by. I then slosh down to 23rd and catch a crosstown bus to 7th Avenue and subway home to get "Star Trek" from Netflix, and watch THAT twice. Order HH meals this evening, as seems to be becoming usual.

SHARON B. 127 2/24/10

Start by saying I felt like shit on the way here, but was greatly cheered by the vision of early snowdrops near snow remnants in the neighboring duck-on-rocks garden just to the east of 55 Pierrepont, and by the sweet smile of the young Hispanic(?) desk-woman at 55 Pierrepont. Say that I'm probably depressed, but depressed about feeling depressed when I felt that I was doing so well and making such good progress here, but now I'm almost back to square one, complaining about feeling irritable, spending too much time on Spider, not doing anything "useful," and irritated at so MANY things: 1) conflict between the just-made dinner appointment with the Kahns (which appointments are SO OFTEN cancelled) on the night of a new Beard frequent-diner dinner, 2) having to tell to use my ACCOUNT credit-card number, not an OLD number, 3) having to return to DiMatteo for another crown fitting when this one left a food-gathering pocket she thought it would be best to avoid, 4) FINALLY getting the echocardiogram results that led Chin to accept giving me an appointment with the cardiologist for a stress test---just bitched that I didn't want to be BOTHERED with these irritants: why couldn't things just WORK as they did before. When Sharon asked if I often felt this way in the past, I countered that my previous OPTIMISM told me that these things SELDOM happened: things just AUTOMATICALLY worked out: dates didn't conflict, companies used my correct credit-card number, dental work was finished in one session, my heart was not a problem. But I HATED me for feeling irritations! Sharon talked more than usual, saying that she knew what it felt like to be irritated, but could get herself out of it by some clue-words that would shift her thoughts. I said, for me, that that used to be Actualism, but lately I've been questioning whether it EVER worked, though clearly it HAD worked for me in the past, REGARDLESS of whether it was "real" or not. As I talked about the past: being ANGRY with growing older, DEPRESSED about not being as energetic, maybe using TRAVEL as a distraction: If I could still travel so enthusiastically, I COULDN'T be getting terminally older---which sounded like DENIAL, or BARGAINING, and I was struck with the Kubler-Ross process of GRIEVING, and I thought I was GRIEVING the death of my YOUTH and the advent to AGE. Had to check the ACTUAL five stages on Google this morning: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, 5) acceptance. So I've BEEN through denial (admitting that I've actually dropped the "silly idea" of getting a new lover, since that was a form of DENYING that I was actually getting "too old for such stuff"), anger (with myself, with my "banging my head against the wall," with my masochistic dwelling, brooding), bargaining (let me do what I "should" do and maybe I won't feel the effects of aging), and my current self-described depression (which I thought I should be OVER with, but I DO realize that these stages can RECUR---once having been through does NOT mean that I'll never again deny, be angry, bargain, or be depressed. Can the intermittent acceptance become more prevalent? Talk enthusiastically even past 5:30, and she at one point remarks that a few weeks ago I'd even been thinking of QUITTING her therapy. Also read the few dreams notes I'd taken along, saying they all showed frustration, irritation, and "not knowing what to do" that characterized my life during the previous week. Left feeling relieved of my depression, and went to Five Guys for an ENORMOUS double-patty hamburger that filled me up for the evening, incidentally getting my fifth Chase Visa charge for this month, so now I can CANCEL that account!

FRIDAY, 2/26/10: Up feeling horny about 7AM, put on the radiator, and at last have a very pleasant orgasm about 10AM. Put "Star Trek" into the mailbox at 3:15PM as I left for the gym (after leaving a disastrous unfinished Spider that I'd started at 1:55) assuming the pickup would be late because of the snow. Back to the Spider at 5:20 until 6:35PM, when I get out to a crowded atrium for the four passed appetizers of the Mushroom Event, only the soup wontons being tasty. Talk with a great guy who worked at CERN, his wife who was a physician, and try to ignore the jabbery, attention-grabbing guy to my right while his wife, Valerie, seemed pleasant at the end of our table for five. I had Rose put an enormous chunk of short ribs into an aluminum swan for me to take home, when I had it was a great Sunday dinner while watching Netflix on my computer. Obsessively back to the Spider from 11-11:50, when I finally managed to stagger to 51.00717 at 410 up after 3 wins.

SATURDAY, 2/27/10: Up feeling slightly hungover from the Beard wines. Read the Times and do two rather difficult puzzles until just after noon, having breakfast late, assuming that the MAN lunch would be quite late. Get to Lexington and 25th at 2:05, Steve not there. The duplex apartment is just about bare, with a sign on the entry wall announcing the weekly lunches and the Saturday all-day sex party, saying to contact Dmitri, who's there with his nice body fetchingly draped in loose blue jeans---I say fetchingly, because he's not nearly so sexy in the moments I saw him WITHOUT the jeans. The hit of the day is a chiropracter that Dennis said had been there before, but I certainly hadn't seen his dynamite body and VERY friendly smile. Twister and Hula Hoops made entertaining games, the wine was free, and I had three large sandwiches: two beef and one ham and cheese, that had my weight OVER 210 that night! Home about 5:30, when I put back the Spider I hadn't finished between 12:20-1:15, and managed 5:30-7:30 to get it back to 51.00377 at 409 up after 3 wins. Watch a VERY ugly "Antichrist" with an actual erection pumping into someone's vagina (they DID credit body doubles), a clitoris being cut off with scissors (I assume WITHOUT a body double), and finally a distraught Willem Dafoe offing Charlotte Gainsborough when she tried to kill him in numerous ways. A truly DISGUSTING film by Lars von Trier. Still not tired of sitting at my computer, so I watch "2012: Doomsday," which didn't even deserve the 2 stars it got on the Netflix site, having little effect and lots of moralizing.

SUNDAY, 2/28/10: 7:25AM: Bed about 12:30AM after sorting through the 1152 Starz "instant view" movies on Netflix (and just now checking that I did NOT list that I saw the movie "Synecdoche") and listing four to watch, including "Doubt." Wake in dawn's early light to pee, try Actualism, but it doesn't put me to sleep, so I'm up to see if the paper's here, which it isn't, and want to try to capture the flow of fugue of thought this morning. In the middle of REORGCHR, thinking of WHAT I want to save from past trips, WHY I want to save it, and HOW I want to save it: how to use my shelves to best advantage. And DO I finally throw out the uninstalled double-sided floor-to-ceiling Door Store bookcase? WHEN do I throw out my old PC? And do I take out the motherboard to display atop my cabinet with my TRS-80 motherboard? Think of making very NARROW spaces on shelves to display souvenir items from around the world. But WHAT do I put in computer-paper boxes to hide behind the mirrors? And speaking of hiding, could I COME OUT at MAN and try taking pictures of some of the bodies that I'd like to preserve in my archives---not to mention in my bed? Think of having one camera chip EXCLUSIVELY for bodies: absolute-prime excerpts from my porn DVDs, MAN shots, selected shots from my PAPER porn in the bottom file drawer, all of which could eventually wind up on my website at some far-future date? About time, after eight years, to really SETTLE INTO my apartment, at least by unpacking the shelf-display items that have been hiding in plastic bags in my kitchen cabinet and on my hallway shelf. Jump to the thought of dumping LOTS of unproofed material, particularly journals, onto the website after Marj regularizes the dates so that they can be accessible BEFORE proofing, though that "accessibilizing" would have to be laboriously repeated AFTER proofing. Looking at Cote's Facebook page leads me to think of setting up Facebook and Twitter pages just to publicize Zolnerzone. Still confident that I WILL be discovered and adulated and reproduced and ETERNALIZED by the website. Hear the Times plunked in front of my door now at 7:41AM. Hungry for breakfast, and I've already updated REORGCHR with my thoughts of the other day, so I can finish this and start with the main part of my day by having breakfast with the taped penultimate-night Winter Olympics skating performances. They aren't very good, nor very numerous, so the whole process takes just about an hour. Finally get all the newspapers into two enormous stacks that I take out to the recycling room, along with garbage, cans, and food containers. Start on the pile of magazines, but figure I should put lots of Maritius and Reunion stuff into the pack, and then my whole system of "trying to do something" breaks down. Have lunch and can't resist going to Spider 3:10-7:40, not being able to raise it above 50.98519 at 402 up after 2 wins, just disastrous. Then decide to kill the rest of the day by watching "Synecdoche, New York," a completely mad movie by Charlie Kaufman whose alter ego, marvelously played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, creates a universe in an abandoned airline hanger (in the middle of Manhattan!) (or did he create the middle of Manhattan in California?) and goes through VERY confusing women, some as famous as Dianne Wiest, Emily Watson (for whose name I had to go BACK to Netflix to find), Jennifer Jason Leigh, Catherine Keener, and Michelle Williams (very different as a blonde). Almost fall asleep during the prolonged climax, getting to bed after midnight.

MONDAY, 3/1/10: Sort through piles of papers, trying to get something DONE today, and about 10:30AM phone United to find that my May flights WILL preserve my 91,000+ miles. Then call Chase, get VERY frustrated and angry with their misdirecting menus, but DO manage to get the account cancelled, with a check for $70.40 to be received in 7-10 days, after verifying that I HAD lived at 167 Hicks and DID live in Kings County, New York, and NOT Nigeria County, New York. Feel so triumphant with THAT that I phone Marj about 11:40 and crow about it. Then print out the Bestway credit-card form, copy my credit card onto it, and mail THAT off for $2500. Relax from 12:40-1:20 with a Spider that remains down at 50.985 at 402 up after 2 wins. Start catching up on typing dreams, so I can switch from the February calendar page to the March one, stop for lunch, to finish with the small but tasty cheeseburger by 2:30, and then back to typing until 3:20, when I get out to the gym, virtuous with the last thing on the stack of things to do today. Lots of mail to be picked up, including a formidable-looking list from Schwab saying I somehow "earned" $185,000 last year, and a Netflix for this evening. Finish the New York magazine puzzle and feel unaccountably tired, so I actually lie down for about half an hour. Then up to return to the journals, mustering Spider and Taipei lists, gym and orgasms charts, "Gob's Grief," and references to REORGCHR and Netflix. Print out many many (NINE, by actual COUNT!) pages, including the first from REORGCHR already, and finally get to this point at 8:40PM, surprised that I've lasted with my hunger for dinner this long, desk still cluttered with website materials to be filed, other papers, the JID airline itinerary that I printed out after seeing Ken's e-mail about it, dream notes to be thrown away, and, perversely, aim for another Spider session now at 8:47PM. Play to 10PM, managing to eke out a small increase to 50.98711 at 403 up after 2 wins. Then have good salmon in mango salsa while watching the puerile "The Hangover" with a somewhat-less-attractive Bradley Cooper, though he DOES have a wonderful body! And lovely blue eyes! Bed just before 1AM.

TUESDAY, 3/2/10: 7:42AM: Woke early with an INCREDIBLE dream that I transcribe, which leads to other thoughts, which leads to elements of my website's Jewel Box (6:53AM: 1) This dream, 2) "Stark," 3) "An Old Old Man," 4) "A Light and a Sound," 5) India-trip museum mind-blow, 6) Crux of LSD experience, 7) Some sexy Elgin sex, 8) Stoned remenbrances, 9) "I Woke," 10) THIS LIST, 11) "Facades," and later add 12) "Connoisseur," so I don't have to change short fiction listings), which leads to my thoughts for "The Best of Village Playwrights" as a final disposition of my $10,000 "The Producers" investment AND as a VERY possible way of earning myself MONEY---not to mention FAME. My last scrawled note of the morning, note 6, reads: 7:06AM: ME, as "The Producer" of Village Playwrights production "The Best of VP," at Wings, 3-4 plays; ADVERTISE, UNLIMITED run, including "Facade," taking OFF, making MONEY, bringing FAME!! My $10,000 "Producers" investment to FRUITION. 7:27AM: Simply TOO excited to stay in BED. Start a "done list" with 1) 7:35AM: Renew RX for noon and 2) 7:45AM: Update journal, printing another page. 3) 7:53AM: Start "The Best of Village Playwrights" page (but talk to Manuel, and Bill Petersen, and the charm leaves, and I end up doing almost nothing at all except talk to Marj and get even MORE discouraged). 4) 8:07AM: Desk TOTALLY cleared. 5) 10AM: Breakfast and watch "The Hangover." 6) 12:23PM: Leave for Dr. Sai (details in MEDICAL), and mail Netflix. Got to CVS at 11:52 to leave off my two prescriptions, and the cutie says it'll take at least a half hour or maybe 45 minutes to fill. I figure to go to Key Food with my nine-item want list: getting 1) 6 cans of Progresso soup, 2) 10 yogurt for fifty cents each, 3) 2 milks, one to use and one to freeze, 4) 8 apple juices, 5) 6 rolls of toilet paper, 6) bread, and 7) butter---forgetting oatmeal!! Lug them to CVS at 12:32, getting the two prescriptions from Dr. Sai and my before-ordered simvastatin, and getting home with 35 pounds of groceries for a $57.33 bill and $19.54 in savings, a humongous total of $76.87! 7) 1:30PM: Lunch. 8) 1:50PM: Mildred on phone. 9) 3:02PM: Marj on phone. 10) 3:45PM: Order HH meals and check e-mail. Then indulge in Spider from 4:25-8:20, ending at 51.00332 at 410 up after 3 wins. Then I guess dinner with "STARZ Insiders: The Face is Familiar," from Netflix, and the last note is Solitaire at 10:35PM.

WEDNESDAY, 3/3/10: See DiMatteo at 1:45, having tried the carbamide on her forms just to see how it works, and it leaves teeth sensitive. Pass the time playing Taipei 10:20-11:40 while my teeth soak. Get the crown in by 2:15, and it certainly did take 30 minutes, as scheduled. Then stop at Key to get my oatmeal, forgotten yesterday, and pick up "a few" other things, like six MORE cans of Progresso soups, since this is probably the last sale of the winter on them, and four more apple juices, sorry that all the special yogurts were sold. THAT bill is $21.55 with $11.14 saved, or $32.69, which added to the $76.87 of yesterday, produces an astounding $109.56. Then probably play Solitaire until leaving for Sharon, leaving session-typing to NEXT TUESDAY at 8:47PM!

SHARON B. 128 3/3/10

She's talking in the other office when I enter, and she calls me in immediately. I produce the notes from the dream from Tuesday, which I read, saying that I'm embarrassed to read what I wrote AFTER the dream, but these were the thoughts that I had. Well, let's transcribe those notes HERE. Well, decide against it: it's a dream, so it should be in DREAMS! She takes notes, and I keep repeating how UNUSUAL this is. She asks me to RESTATE the dream, having missed some connection, and she clears up her notes, saying that she thinks my free association after the dream was just perfect, saying things about myself that she's never heard before, particularly my emphasis on wanting to be UNIQUE. We talk about that for a long time, and then I fill her in on some of the current details: not being able to drink wine, dropping the Beard, but consoling myself that I'll be eating out more in restaurants now. We talk for a long time about my LSD sessions and my "ME, I AM important!" exultation. She even suggests that, even if I don't bring in any dreams, SHE can do more directed talking to get into some areas that, I guess, she thinks I might have been avoiding, or into which she'd like more insight. Finish typing this at 4:33PM on the FOLLOWING Wednesday, knowing that I have to GET THIS DONE before the new session completely replaces any memories I might have retained of this session, which obviously hasn't been THAT much!

THURSDAY, 3/4/10: Watch "Taking Woodstock" twice. Order HH meals.

FRIDAY, 3/5/10: Solitaire and nothing much else all day, meeting Shelley for her car at 5:30 to the Kahn's at 6, for a good spread of pepper-cheese and vegetarian paté and a tiny glass of Muscat de Baume de Venise, and then to Wallse for a tough Wiener Schnitzel with tiny sips of his red wine, and I still don't think it's a very good place. Taxi back with Shelley and play Spider 9:45-11:55PM to 51.00513 at 410 up after 4 wins.

SATURDAY, 3/6/10: Times puzzles not finished when I leave at 11:45AM to get a B67 bus at Jay and Tillary to Sette at 207 7th Avenue at 3rd Street for her $11 lunch that turns into an $18 lunch with unlimited champagne cocktails of which I have a Bellini followed by two pomegranate drinks with a good prosciutto and melon start and a lousy Eggs Benedict (hard boiled, no Hollandaise, focaccia not a good bread for it), followed by a visit to the Brooklyn Ethical Cultural house on Prospect Park with beautiful Tiffany glass windows. Home to watch "Inkheart" and then play Spider 7:10-9:30 to a CRAP 400 up.

SUNDAY, 3/7/10: Start by watching "Watchmen" which ends up not recording, and getting out to Chez Josephine for brunch with Ken, somewhat better Eggs Benedict, while he has two drinks and I have none. Then to "Recipe of Life," fairly interesting, but he leaves as I stick around for the actors to say not much, and the reception to have no goodies, so I'm home to Spider 6:05-8:25, ending with 50.98939 at 405 up after 5 wins. Then watch the Academy Awards, satisfied that "Avatar" wasn't acclaimed best movie.

MONDAY, 3/8/10: Watch "Adventureland" twice, not very good. Play Spider in the morning 9:45-10:20, then 11:20-3:25PM, then 11:25-12:40AM, truly sick, ending with a miserable 50.97465 at 400 up after 3 wins.

TUESDAY, 3/9/10: Two and a half hours at HIP, then Spider 5:20-6:35 to 50.98163 at 403 up after 4 wins, then hours catching up with medical and dreams and notes from my desktop, finishing at 10:08PM, ready to watch the two taped hours of "Lost."

WEDNESDAY, 3/10/10: THREE and a half hours at HIP, leaving at 9:53AM and getting home at 1:23PM, notes in MEDICAL. Try Marj, but her line is busy. Spider 1:35-3:45 to 50.98831 at 406 up after 6 wins, have lunch, and then call Marj, and we talk until I have to leave for Sharon. Dismal session, and back to ABSOLUTELY SELF-INDULGE in Spider from 5:40-11:20, 5:40 in one sitting, and added to the 2:10 earlier, it's 7:50---a day's work! Surely the wastedest day in my recent history. Then have a bowl of soup for dinner, watching an addled Nancy Pelosi on Charlie Rose, saying the health-care bill will pass, which at least is to be wished for. Then finish the TV Guide sudoku and prepare to go to bed at 12:30, but then decide I MUST do Sharon's session writeup!

SHARON B. 129 3/10/10

Start by saying, "I have nothing to talk about," and then summarize the day with Dr. Sai, the problems I'd had the previous week with my possible side effect to the two new prescriptions, and then tell about the burden of talking with Charles about Bill's heart-attack aftermath, and Sharon sympathizes with me, saying I'm going through a bad time, and I say that I INDULGE in Spider, knowing that when I HAVE to get the taxes done, I WILL do them, just as I MUST fix up the apartment for next week's guests after my Brit/Wales show on Wednesday, saying my apartment has NEVER been so rundown, and I'll HAVE to clean it before anyone arrives. Say I'm lonely with little companionship, except for Marj on the phone, though I did cheat on having wine with two meals out with Ken and Carolyn when I stopped taking my prescriptions. Feel guilty about not working on the website, but it's just a FACT, I'm not doing anything useful but KNOW that I'll be able to perform when needed. It's just the trauma that "this is going to be the rest of my life." I know I've repeated that many times, but previous years were SO concentrated on travel, even last year, when I had "only" four (Sharon really was the one who put the quotes around "only") trips, but this year seems VERY empty of travel. I've ACCEPTED the lesser travel, and I've ACCEPTED not going to the Beard and drinking wine, but it's not EASY, and she sympathized with me because of that. I also said that I felt that I was wasting time in not feeding more to the website, since THIS was a more PRACTICAL way of achieving any "immortality" I might have on line for me to have. I said that I'd tried only a few hours thinking about "The Best of Village Playwrights," but then gave it up, but the WEBSITE, if it got any kind of notoriety, might be able to furnish some income in my increasingly old age. I keep looking at the clock for the time to be over, and actually get up to leave a minute PAST 5:30. End by saying that, with the misery of THIS session, every other session will HAVE to be an improvement!

THURSDAY, 3/11/10: Wake up late at 9:15AM, have breakfast, try to limit Spider but end up going from 11:05-12:30 to 50.98867 to 407 up after 2 wins; it just seems HARDER now---and PERVERSELY, I'm going BACK now at 12:47, after ordering HH meals, getting an Audience Extras for "Life in 3 Acts" for tonight after not getting Spartacus OR Ken on the phone, who may have wanted to see it, and renewing my warranty on my Dell laptop for another two years for an astounding $171! So what do I do? I play Spider from 12:48-4:40, to 50.98762 at 407 up after 3 wins and almost FOUR hours! Order HH meals. Go down for my movie! Watch "Up in the Air," which doesn't strike me as THAT great a movie or set of acting jobs, and then watch the extras before leaving for "Life in 3 Acts," trying to find Spartacus's "short cut" and getting LOST because Dock Street doesn't have a SIGN from Front Street, and I didn't think to look down the block to SEE St. Ann's Warehouse. Get there at 7:48PM and get my ticket, read the program, and Betty Bourne reminds me of Don Maloof, but I'm just as happy I didn't see any of the "Bloolips" productions. Back the short way, finding where I'd gone astray, and decide to stop in at the Great Wall for my monthly dose of egg foo yung. Then watch the COMMENTARY for "Up in the Air," really disliking Jason Reitman, the director, for his TOTAL self-centeredness, to 1:10AM, and then, rather than going to bed like a normal person, indulge in MORE Spider 1:15-2:20AM, sinking to an abyssal 50.97506 at 402 up after 2 wins. Stagger to bed.

FRIDAY, 3/12/10: Up a little after 9AM, played Taipei 9:10-10:20, had breakfast, probably wasted more time on Solitaire, then went to Spider from 12:20-1:25, getting a tiny bit back to 50.97706 at 403 up after 2 wins. Then FORCED myself to start on the taxes, sorting out piles of stuff, then sifting through receipts for, mostly, rent bills and a few other papers, and then made out my yearly sheet, including interest and dividends from the other forms, finishing at 3:05PM when I had to go to the gym. Back to read mail, then almost literally broke my back scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom for the exterminator's visit tomorrow morning. Finish that and awarded myself with another go at Spider from 7:25-8:10, "proper," getting to 50.98172 at 405 up after 3 wins. Probably rounded out the wasted evening with Solitaire.

SATURDAY, 3/13/10: 6:15AM: Got to bed just before 11PM, took a bit to get to sleep, and woke at 4:30AM to take off my facemask---and feel flecks fall to my lap---and the "insect feces" seem to be bits of rubber from my disintegrating facemask headstraps! HOW FUNNY: right up there with the suspected red "mold" on my pillowcase that turned out to be stains from my RED facemask! Then started thinking about my website JEWEL BOX. Envisioned taking photos of my opening my Peruvian box to reveal "jewels" collected from my trips: 1) my blue box opening to reveal the alabaster Taj Mahal, 2) my Venkiteshvara car that opens to reveal the three gods inside, 3) various necklaces, like the one from Alexandria, 4) paste jewels from Pondicherry, or wherever it was, now still in some broken kaleidoscope, 5) photos of diamonds from my Sotheby's auction books, 6) photos of Art Nouveau jewelry from my Victoria and Albert exhibit catalog, 7) the three Chinese philosophers in their red plush box-mounting, 8) maybe even a closeup of some old computer motherboard. Random thoughts led me to wonder where the "ancestor" photo-pair was---not on the living room shelf on which they had been displayed---but in my Mom's-souvenir drawer: dad's parents and siblings, mom's parents and siblings. Preliminary JEWEL BOX contents already on a note on my coffee table. Memo to Tris for an expansion: 1) array of ten photos which could be tapped to produce short films from my camera? 2) each "jewel" followed by lists of places on the site where like "jewels" could be found? 3) including photos from books, my porn collection, menus, other non-jewel souvenir photos, like those "legendary" postcards from Sete Quedas. This could keep Tris busy for MONTHS, at great expense, to an end which I would hope would not look tacky on the site, in the same way that the world map in TRAVEL isn't quite what I'd envisioned, with entry-points for EACH trip on EACH continent. With the "problem" for the exterminator, arriving around 8:30AM, solved, I still feel that I should get back to bed, having PRINTED the lyrics of "Time to Say Goodbye" from Google, now at 6:28AM.

SATURDAY, 3/13/10: [Yes, I know, I'm repeating what I'd typed on Saturday morning, but I typed this on SUNDAY morning and THEN discovered my repetition.] Got up about 6AM to pee and felt "that drop" of a tiny piece of black substance from the area of my head or chest or neck onto the top of my left thigh. As I raised my facemask to examine it, I ran my fingers along the disintegrating facemask elastic---and dislodged a tiny piece of black substance! Laughed ALOUD! NO infestation, and I was reminded of my PREVIOUS pillow-panic: the red stain that I feared might be fungus or mold turned out to be color-bleed from my facemask! What a relief, and how apt with the exterminator coming this morning to examine the "specimens" in my HIP lab jar. Started Actualism with a feeling of DELIGHT! Got up at 8AM to the alarm, and the exterminator arrived about 8:05, laughed at my discovery, and sprayed the bathroom, kitchen, and living room for roaches. Spent 8:20-9:40, then 1:50-3:45 (when I quit in DISGUST, not bringing myself to write a finishing result lower than 400 up), and then 8:10-9:30, when "I'm back" to 50.97526 at 403 up after 5 wins. Also endless time with solitaire. AND bit the bullet before that and sat for about three hours cutting my Brit-Wales slides from over 1100 to under 500, well, 496, recording that Egypt was 584, St. Petersburg 543, and the New Album has 2425, with the disk having 34Gb free of 64.4Gb.

SUNDAY, 3/14/10: 12:42PM: I'm exhausted! Got up at 8:45AM, really 9:45 with the time change, got the Times, ate breakfast, read the Times, put the prescription pills into the two-week box, watered the plants, filled out the new gym card, changed thirteen clocks, set up the recording for tonight's premiere of "The Pacific," and threw away the specimen-jar-full of rubber pieces from my facemask that I'd thought---feared---might be mouse droppings or mite excretions. Oh, and had a "perfect" daily dose (would that this be true!) of Spider from 11:25-12:15 from 403 up to 406 up, still far short of the record 413 up set on 2/17. Catch up with notes on some previous days, and now at 12:57PM I'm ready to tackle the enormous stack on the coffee table: the majority is taxes, which I'm in the middle of, and some website, and then the "rest of it." 1:10PM: Can't resist: going through my stack, I come across Sunday's Times puzzle with two questions: "roughly" as "after a sort," and "I don't need to hear that" as "TMI." So I look in the dictionary, and THERE is "after a sort," as roughly. Google TMI, and get "too much information." Well, OK! Sift the stack into piles, phoning Ken to see if I can fax him a copy of my echocardiogram, checking my HSBC bill, and getting a little pile of dreams and medical notes to add to my record keeping. End up with a depressing THIRTEEN stacks on the table, including the movie tomorrow night. When I start typing, I realize I'm behind on some printing, so I get down the pile of printed pages and sort THEM out for an hour or so, and then catch up on DREAMS and MEDICAL. Rita calls about 3PM to give me the names of our ancestors, and then hangs up when Denny calls for lunch. I finish the egg foo yung with gusto and get back to typing. Suddenly there's smoke from the Brooklyn Bridge, I take two pictures and my battery runs out, and I bizarrely look for the cord to charge the batteries before it occurs to me that there are BATTERIES in the camera. I turn it over a few times before I remember where they are. Put in what I think are fresh ones, and they don't even register as being EMPTY batteries. Something wrong with them? Try the batteries from the AlphaSmart and THEY are empty, too. Put some on to charge. By this time I've missed the FLAMES under the smoke on the Manhattan-bound side of the bridge, but by the time I finish this at 4:45PM the flames are totally out and traffic is again moving toward Manhattan. Print out eight pages---so MUCH to catch up on! My JEWEL BOX and taxes sit beside the desk to be attended to, but I perversely NEED to play another round of Spider now at 4:50PM. That goes OK to 6:30, ending at 408 up, best on this current card. Then play Solitaire until just before 9PM, the start of "The Pacific," which has too many of the "traditional story-telling" qualities as described in a current New Yorker article: character setups with girl friends and family dinners, stereotyped shipmates, and totally confusing military maneuvers, mainly in the dark, that shows the dangers of warfare without engaging any real feelings about the participants. But surely expensive with its wide vistas of invading ships, enemy attacks, and battalions of dead Japanese for a two-second beach-view after a night of carnage. Then get sucked into the last hour of the first part of "Doctor Mabuse" on Channel 75, noting that I can watch the whole first three hours next Saturday before the last three hours next Sunday. Then, with utter disgust, rope myself into a final Spider episode from 12:15AM-2AM, getting up to 409 up, slow but sure ascent. Bed very comfortably.

MONDAY, 3/15/10: Up at 9:25AM to type a dream, finish yesterday's journal and start today by 9:35, and proceed to Spider, ending at 11:10 because I'm STARVED for breakfast, and stop, for the first time, at 1 LOSS at 407 up. UGH! Breakfast, go to the movie house to buy my ticket for tonight after ARGUING with Spartacus about what I SAW in the website and what he THINKS might be the case. DISGUSTING. Back home and go directly to the gym, because I'm dressed for outdoors. Back to a STACK of mail, and have a late lunch about 4PM to stave off hunger during my double feature. Marj calls about Norah Ephron. I send off a New Yorker caption by e-mail, get THREE appointments from Sai, which enables me to take another stack off the coffee table, leaving just TEN at this point, not yet having requested cashing in Keogh stuff for my RMD, which I HAD intended to do, at least, today, but as I finish with this at 5:17PM, it's just time to leave for the movies. Small line outside Theater 2 at 5:45PM, and the place isn't even half full. "Around the World in 80 Minutes" is too jokey to be real, though some of the scenes of Angkor and Hong Kong and Bangkok are informative, and about ten minutes of Japan and China are REPEATED as the result of a poor editing job. Obnoxious group of about four women behind me laugh at EVERYTHING and comment loudly, which I find VERY annoying, which doesn't help my appreciation of that movie, nor of the following "When the Clouds Roll By," which rather reminds me of "Doctor Mabuse" with an abusive (is THAT where "Mabuse" comes from?) psychiatrist sabotaging people's lives. The "dream sequence" in "Around" is only of his leaping at a leopard, and the "food nightmare" in "Clouds" is made irritating by the cackles from behind me. Can't wait for the movie to be over so that I can get to Five Guys at 9:40PM for a wonderful burger---good timing since they lock the door at 10PM. Home to pick up "Sexy Beast," with a truly psychopathic Ben Kingsley, that I watch, with other previews, until 12:05AM, when I do Spider OK from 12:10-12:40AM to 408 up, and then just indulge in Solitaire until about 1:20AM.

TUESDAY, 3/16/10: 8:40AM: Type MEDICAL about abdominal twinges, which REALLY WORRY ME. Do an ALZHEIMER note about not being able to remember "diverticulitis." Catch up on last night, and have three main tasks today before slides at Tuesday Evening Club: 1) print BRITWALE summary for slide-show guidance tomorrow, which I just "cleared" by printing the previous journal page; 2) cash Keogh stuff through Schwab to get about $15,000 in cash into Schwab One; 3) continue with taxes. Am I preparing by "clearing the deck" to going into the hospital again for abdominal pain? Call HIP at 8:45AM and get a long period of silence that I hang up on. Call again at 8:47AM and get alternated between music and announcements and silence until 9:43AM! Bitch to Customer Service and tell them to tell Chin to call me AS AN EMERGENCY! Then DO mark up the BRITWALE summary for the slides, which take under an hour as I go through them. Then DO call Schwab when I can't cash Kraft online, and end up with just under $15,000 cash available on 3/19. Watch the commentary for "Sexy Beast" and put it into the mail at 2:50PM. At 3PM get a phone call from Dr. Gowda's office from MARCH 5th, and tell her that I already complained LAST Tuesday about not getting responses from THREE cardio doctors, and I hardly need to talk to Dr. Gowda ELEVEN DAYS after I called for emergency information about possible prescription side effects. Then about 5PM get a call from Dr. Chin's office, offering me an appointment, and I REITERATE that I just wanted to ASK him if my CAT scan on Thursday for my HEART couldn't be extended, by him, to include my ABDOMEN in case I have another kidney stone or diverticulitis. She said she'd put the note on Chin's desk for him to call me, since I said I was NOT going to repeat my hour this morning on the phone waiting for HIP to answer me. Slides of Azerbaijan, Armenia (now listed as a separate country and not part of Turkey), and Georgia, which she couldn't get INTO because of a mistake in time on her VISA! Hope that doesn't happen to ME! Stop in Lot-Less and for $38.72 buy two pair of pants, two containers of peanuts (just what I need to aggravate my diverticula!), two clean pot holders, two rolls of Scotch tape, a dop kit for $6 they don't charge me for, and some toast and granola bars. Call Spartacus, and we speak casually about the movies on Monday, no reference to my hanging up on him, and he tells me to watch Kurasawa's "High and Low" tonight, which I do from 10:45-1:20, getting to bed late again, taking another hydrocodone for abdominal twinges which are lessening.

WEDNESDAY, 3/17/10: Wake and pee and think about two great solutions: 1) mail the check to FIA Services for, like, $6000, so I won't have to WORRY about going over my $12,000 limit, and 2) phone Christina and schedule Southern Caribbean: 4 islands and 3 Guianas for 6/16, since she has NO time in April and I'm away in May. GREAT DOING! Up at 9:20, catch up with this by 10AM, and do my Spider for the day to 10:45AM to 410 up. Heavy breakfast about 11, clearing up the last messes in the apartment for Susie's arrival at 12:05, playing Solitaire to fill in the last few minutes, and she brings Irish soda bread, four cupcakes sprinkled with green candies, and apologizes for bringing no liquid refreshments. I talk about my heart problem and she moans about turning 60 years of age. We leave for 55 Pierrepont at 12:50, finding Christina setting up the chairs, which quite surprises me. She's appointed someone to talk about health care to the assembled group, and that person doesn't finish until 1:15, while I'm adjusting the projected photos on the wall behind her. None of my friends are there yet, but suddenly at 1:17PM Steve, John, Spartacus, and Charles all appear at the same time and settle into their chairs. I change the photos manually, taking more time for explanations, and the crowd is very silent, while Leon and Elsie nod in intermittent naps. I think it goes on a bit too long, to 2:40, and Charles talks with Fred, and some guy who'd done work for the Brooklyn Transportation Museum starts talking in great detail to Susie and Steve, who seem interested for a bit, but Susie's amused when he CONTINUES his intrusive talking even while everyone's walking away from him. Back here to hear Carolyn on my phone machine as I walk in the door, and I tell her to come over, get Charles's curried cashews and $5 for six madeleines, and I put out the peanuts, while others get blackberry brandy and ice for themselves. Charles has also brought his magical Red Jacket Orchards apple CIDER, and he's disappointed that I don't find that the taste has changed my life. We talk about health and politics, Carolyn being rather pushy, until we start talking about places to have an early dinner at 5PM, and we decide on Waterfalls, John's suggestion, and he drops off my snack donations at his apartment while we walk slowly to Atlantic Avenue. The lamb shawarma is good at first, then gristly, then too much, so the guy wraps the second halves of both Steve's and my wraps for us to take home. Charles gets a call from Bill and leaves early, giving me a $20 bill to pay his tab. Back home at 7PM, just time to shit and leave for Carnegie Hall, transferring from the 2 train to the R for ease of transport, and have pained trouble climbing all the stairs to the Balcony for the poor singing of Dawn Upshaw, Ken admitting that Chopin's songs aren't the best, and maybe she would be better in a smaller hall, but Emanuel Ax is good in his accompaniment and solos of Chopin mazurkas. Out about 10:15 and subway home the same route, sorry that I'd forgotten to record Florez's "Barber of Seville. Phone Piri to say I'll be at the Sunday Games Group, and sorry to hear she might want to send me a 1099 for my indexing. Bed just before midnight, drinking apple cider with my pill, and Googling "Rusalka" to find Gabriela Benackova's name as the lovely singer of Dvorak's "Ode to the Moon."

THURSDAY, 3/18/10: Wake about 5:45AM to pee and note a dream, then try to start Actualism but fear oversleeping and get out of bed by 8AM to transcribe two dreams and this journal to 8:30, now ready to dress and get out for my 9:30 appointment for a CAT scan at Doshi. In at 9:25, get form to fill out at 9:40, and in only at 11:20, guy having trouble finding a vein big enough for the contrast liquid, sticking me three times. Out at 11:40, having been shown my kidney stone also. Home at 12:05, having easily walked both ways. Chin, frustratingly, left a message at 1:15PM yesterday for me to phone him, but when I do, he's left for the day. DAMN! Spider 2-4:10, a disaster. Leave for Mildred at Dallas BBQ and get there at 5:04PM. Tender but boring chicken and no beer and lots of butter, and long bus ride back to 72nd Street subway. Spider again 7:15-8:50, and again 9:20-12:15AM, ending up at 50.99503 at 413 up.

FRIDAY, 3/19/10: Up late, call Piri who decides NOT to send me a 1099, bless her, and watch "District 9" twice, getting a call reminding me to put in my HH meal order for next week. Get to gym, phone Marj, and leave for Sharon after Spider 5-5:35. Back to play 6:40-8:20, finally getting over 51% again at 51.00645 at 418 up after NINE wins. Then fill in the Zagat survey, putting the top four at Corton, Modern, Telepan, and Spotted Pig. Then back to Spider at 10PM, ending at 10:35 with a new local high of 51.00871 at 419 up after 2 wins. Watch a bit of Classical Showcase before the taping ends with four hours of static on the tape, and I rewind and set it up for recording "Doctor Mabuse" from 12-3, and then three MORE hours of Classical Showcase, and get to bed just after midnight.

SHARON B. 130 3/19/10

Get there at 5:45PM for her closed door, but she comes right out to ask me in. I tell her I have no dreams ready, and it's been a good week: the slide show was a great success, Mildred called me BACK to thank me for joining her at the Upper East Side Dallas BBQ yesterday, my lower abdominal pains have stopped, though my CAT scan shows a stone in my left kidney. Played lots of Spider, and that's OK. So busy ("You like to keep busy," she notes) that I still haven't cleaned up the mess from Wednesday's party. Depressed about my exhaustion after climbing the four flights up the Carnegie Hall stairway, and about waking most mornings without any energy at all, though I might "bargain" my semi-leaking heart valves as giving me less oxygen, and avoiding alcohol and taking my new medications might improve that condition. Told her about my JEWEL BOX, and she was really pleased with the beauty and consideration of it. Mentioned that I'd been thinking of taking photos of "jewels" I'm finding from my trips, and using those as icons in the JEWEL BOX, but said I was having problems: my little ivory box from Vietnam would make a good jewel, but it's not really "related" to any of the WRITINGS or stories it might "lead to." Mentioned Mildred's saying that I hardly spoke about Dennis, and when Sharon asked what I thought about him, I said, "It might not be the BEST way of putting it, but I felt part of my usual LUCK that our relationship really ENDED before he got AIDS, and his sickness wasn't as much a part of my life, or my memory of Dennis, as was, say, Fred's lover's sickness and death of AIDS was still in Fred's memory. Speaking of my "luck," I said I was still blessed with my "morning waking with problems solved" luck when I solved another crossword puzzle, or recognized that I could just send $6000 with THIS month's Schwab Visa payment and not have to WORRY about going over my $12,000 limit during the next month, or putting up a series of SMALL shelves on my reorganized bookcase to display the tiny trip souvenirs I've been uncovering, or even the JEWEL BOX memo itself. I'm glad that THIS, as well as my luck, doesn't seem to be waning with increasing age. We're both pleased with the warm weather and the greater hours of daylight. I feared I'd have nothing to say, and the time just passed. Next week on Wednesday as usual.

SATURDAY, 3/20/10: 8:08AM: Wake at 6:55AM to pee, and see that the sun is just about to rise, surprisingly far to the north on my horizon. Pee and get out onto the balcony at 7AM to see the sun JUST rising on what is surely near the equinox. Back to bed to do Actualism, coughing once again to make sure I change the sheets today, thinking I might jerk off this morning after I bring in the Times, and catch up with this, and adding details to Sharon's session last night. Reprint a page, look forward to working on my taxes now that I know I don't have to include Piri's possible 1099, and may even call Tris today to start the "last" series of questions and corrections to the website. Now at 8:13AM check for the Times outside. Watch "Doctor Mabuse, Part 1" with breakfast, look through the Times, and get out to a very impressive Corella Ballet with "String Sextet," "Epimetheus," "Solea," and "DGV: Danse a Grand Vitesse," the company young and accomplished and attractive, with Mike Oldfield and Michael Nyman music pounding in the background. Subway home, do the puzzles, and then, determined, do Spider from 6:55-9:55PM, FINALLY getting to a new high of 51.02472 at 426 up after 4 wins. Maybe watch more TV and bed at 12.

SUNDAY, 3/21/10: Get the Times at 8:05AM and am surprised to see that there's NO notice of the equinox yesterday. Finally do some cleaning up, phoning Marj at 11:30 and leaving for the Games Group at 1PM, stopping at Figaro Pizza for a slice before getting to Piri's at 2:10 with a good group of Mark and Alexandra and Barbara for a good Quiddler, then Diane comes in for a Boggle marathon, and I win both of them---or I thought I did, and it was PIRI who won the Boggle. Get back at 7:05PM to watch "Thin Ice" with rather lousy singles ice-skating as pairs, then an hour of "Life" on Discovery, narrated by Oprah Winfrey, and then the two hour part two of "Doctor Mabuse," followed by discussion to 11:25, and then I start channel surfing and find that the House has JUST PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL, and record Obama's reaction to that from 11:45-11:55, and even call Spartacus just to express my happiness to someone, and then finish typing this at 12:30AM, feeling just GREAT!

TUESDAY, 3/23/10: 10:20AM: VERY strange feelings this morning. Starting about 12:30AM, watching my recording of the second episode of "The Pacific," I realize I really don't CARE for the series: the individuals haven't registered, the emotions seem canned, the fighting in the constant dark is nothing but special effects and CGI blood spurts as the Japanese are killed on Guadalcanal, and I figure I really don't need to watch the coming eight more episodes. Rather like my following "Lost" through the final season. This "side-reality" is a desperate attempt to be "different" and has no relation to ANYTHING that had been "established" earlier in the series. It's all media bullshit. Then I move my tongue to the back of my mouth to clear out the last fragments of the stupidly bought toast from Lot-Less, and find that the outside filling of my last lower-left tooth has been chipped again, possibly needing a visit to DiMatteo before my May trip, and the fragment of thought "Maybe this is all just a bad dream" floats through my mind. Maybe I CAN wake up and my mouth won't be a problem, my bills won't be pressing, and I won't be falling apart in body and mind in age. Well, even think that I might confess to Sharon that I HAVE had some small thoughts of just ending my life. Then I go to bed, sleep, and wake up to feel that severe pain in the tip of my left index finger that seems like localized arthritis, but leads me to wonder what unspeakable horror would occur if EVERY joint in my body ached like that. But I feel better, having slept, though it's still a pain to get out of bed, dress, and go in to the living room to watch the Netflix "Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen," and find AGAIN that this is just mindless violence, aimed at children who buy Hasbro toys, despite the supposedly "high class" imprimatur of Dreamworks and Steven Spielburg. As I'm watching, before breakfast, at 10AM, I feel tingles in my left hand and arm, and wonder if my heart isn't acting up and affecting my body as a precursor to an attack. If it can only wait until my Stress Echo test tomorrow! Then my back twinges while I type this, whether it's from the stone in my right kidney or it's something else. So much going wrong. Think of the two trips planned for this year, and whether I'll survive them physically, and then my mind goes to the ultimate end: my death, and whether there's anything after it, as if this life IS a dream---as I look out the window and see teenagers climbing over the fence to the kiddie playground below and wonder what new incursions are happening right under my eyes. Let's hope this is all silly and I live another thirty years. Now I'm hungry for breakfast at 10:35AM, but at least I have these apocalyptic thoughts recorded. Get out to the gym. Watch "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," spectacular but not much to understand, putting it rather in the category of "The Pacific," not really my cup of tea. Then don't feel like doing anything else but play Taipei 3:50-5:25 and Solitaire 5:25-6:50, when I leave to meet Spartacus for "The Nose," which is certainly better (and shorter) than "Attila," but still not the best opera in the world. Suggest Dallas BBQ and Spartacus says we should catch a bus down to 42nd Street, which we do, and have good ribs and a HOT potato with lots of butter, and leave at 11:10, after the 2 and 3 go local, so we wait a long time for the A and come home that way just before midnight. Play more Solitaire from about midnight to 12:35AM to help digest the stomach loaded with ribs and butter.

WEDNESDAY, 3/24/10: 12:45PM: Get a call from the Census to be a crew-leader trainee, 9-5 April 12-16, for which I'm available, but then for EIGHT WEEKS AFTER, when I'm NOT available because of my May 10-31 trip! DRAT! They'll put me back in the system. Woke this morning with the thought to call Schwab AGAIN to see if I can't HAVE a Keogh defined-benefit plan, but it takes a MINIMUM guaranteed contribution of $80,000/year, "for hand-picked people," so that's obviously why I chose the defined-contribution plan. So I call the IRS, asking for "contributions to pensions," and getting an SOB who insists that I NOW have to pay taxes on what I get from investments in my Keogh tax-free plan. DAMN! Call Marj and Mildred to complain about it. Then get a note under my door about website wanting writers and photographers, but the meeting is tomorrow night when I have "Fairy Queen." But I'll give in my name: maybe I can learn something about how Tris does it, or how to prepare photos for it. Or maybe write for it and publicize ZolnerZone. Call Piri to tell her about 1099 irony, then BACK in 15 minutes to assure her I'm NOT asking for a 1099! Now, at 12:50PM, to get out for the Stress Test at 1:30! Stop in the office and ask about the meeting tomorrow, and the secretary says that Toba will know who's in charge of each committee. Get to Nevins early at 1:20, give my card in and get photo taken at 1:30, read New Yorker, and in at 1:53 for TEN probes to be attached to chest. Amazed that RESTING blood pressure is as high as 159/86, but Dr. Sai says that's typical. Onto treadmill and slowly build up heartbeat, breathing hard, saying "No problem" when he asks how I'm feeling, then says it's just a bit more to 85%, and I say that I feel like I'm rehearsing for my next trip. Could have gone on longer when he says I can stop, and I lay down for my readings to be taken, with Sai examining my heart. Ask about ejection fraction and mitral valve, but she says it's a left ventricle function---though Dorland's shows the left atrioventricular valve as the mitral valve serving the entrance to the left ventricle. Ask what the 85% is based on, and he says it's 85% of 220 minus age, so mine would be 85% of 147, or 125, which doesn't seem THAT high, but it's what they go by. Out at 2:23, hungry for lunch. Have that, quite good salmon, while watching two hours of "Lost," the story of Richard Alpert REALLY over the top, with immortality since 1876, and his dead wife appearing to him courtesy of Hurley. I play a winning Bridge Taipei to 4:25. Then out with laundry, and to Sharon at 4:40. Back to a message from Piri, saying that she HAD thought I might be asking for a 1099, for which she would have to pay a penalty, so she's glad that my message was informative, and thanks me. To "Hamlet" with Charles, not really that good, though the wine-coverd tablecloth draped around his shoulders was electrifying. Out at 11:30 and no 2 or 3 trains seem to be running below Chambers Street and we're told to go to the N. I let an N pass before asking the next conductor if he stops at Borough Hall, which he says he does, though I'm reluctant to believe it. Get on train, finishing New Yorker magazine, and it DOES stop and I'm home at 1:03AM!

SHARON B. 131 3/24/10

She calls me in at 4:44 and I start with "busy week" and go into IRS/Schwab details, finishing with Piri's phone call, and she only says I did the right thing, being as straightforward as usual. Then read the dream, noting that Rita, in the mountain photos, is about the age she WOULD have been when I was at IBM debugging programs, and she focuses on the kitchen knives, and all I can come up with THEN was that I have them usually with dinner, when I have wine (and do NOT come up with Mom's butcher knife on my bed with Dad, which I have to tell her about NEXT week). When asked about the car to the mountaintop, I come up with my childhood nightmare of the car going up with mountain road, without a driver and me in the back seat, and the road narrowing until the car falls off, when I wake, terrified. I mention lots of mountains: Kilimanjaro, and how I, usually, on ANY trip, make sure to climb farther, or conquer more towers, or take more side trips, as a CONSCIOUS way of showing off, proving that I'm SPECIAL, APART from the others. Talked of my depression Tuesday morning: tax amounts, filling falling out, but emphasizing my usual LUCK (citing the TV viewing of the health plan being passed, and then being signed), which meliorates any depression. Even my finding that it's ONLY compensation that can be put back into Keogh means that THIS year will be bad, but SUBSEQUENT years will be better, since I won't have to WITHDRAW chunks of cash to CONTRIBUTE up to $15,000 each year. And I'll survive this year, since travel WILL be getting less as time goes on, and that's OK too. Rehearsed "Luck" through the years: not going to a seminary, choosing a Catholic school, getting into Physics, getting into IBM (she asked if there was anything special about IBM: nothing that I remember), getting LSD, getting into indexing, etc. Talk all the way to 5:28PM and leave, saying to each to enjoy the wonderful weather.

THURSDAY, 3/25/10: Up late, watch a mediocre "2012" twice, at 2:40 each, and that only leaves time to leave at 7PM for "Fairy Queen," which goes on FOREVER from 7:30-11:30, and I'm eager to leave so that my train WILL stop at Clark Street before the station closes at 12:01AM. The "I'm So Sad" song goes on JUST TOO LONG, and the audience is marvelously patient until the grim end. I get the first elevator down and get to train at 11:40 and to Clark Street at 11:50, thank goodness.

FRIDAY, 3/26/10: Think to ask IRS if Social Security can be counted as part of compensation, but sadly the answer is no. Scheduled HH meals last night, and today reported two missing when I later find they're not. An Alzheimer's moment that I communicate to Marj, needlessly. Get to DiMatteo at 1:56PM and get out at 2:20, with the fantasy that she's not going to charge me for putting a new filling into a space she filled just a year ago and that fell out on Tuesday and Wednesday. Just wanted to get it HANDLED, and DID. Back debating going to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens this afternoon, but at 40 it's just too cold, and windy, too. Some time during the day I watch the last hour of "The Women," remade in 2007, while having a late lunch. Then play Taipei 6-6:45, then Solitaire 6:45-8, when Rita calls, and I tell her about my phoning Avi this afternoon when I got his birthday card for me. Then stay at the computer, having dinner, while watching a not-very-interesting "Julie and Julia," with two husbands that are both just too good to be true, and Streep's "perfect imitation" of the Julia Child accent sort of comes and goes. End with more unrecorded Solitaire and get to bed at 12:25AM, under an "on" electric blanket because it's sunk to 30 outside, and I fear for the magnolias and cherry blossoms, which I hope to see NEXT Friday with Charles.

SATURDAY, 3/27/10: Up at 8:33 to record dream and get the Times. Finish that and the puzzles by 12:30, and then catch up with dreams and journal to 12:50PM, having called Spartacus about meeting at 6:15 at Clark Street for the Legends of Dance tonight at 7PM. NOW to finish taxes? Finish them at 1:35, filling out the form for Cadman Towers, too. Finally incorporate estimated tax forms and envelope labels into "final copy" sheaf of papers and start putting away the 1040 folders from 2008 and 2009. "Lose" the note card on which I'd put the amount needed to pay all the taxes and the amount I have, but finally, after pawing through the folders twice, find it in the stack atop my datebook, just before Spartacus arrives to give me a DVD on which to record "Spies" tonight when we're at the Dance Gala at City Center. Just miss a subway, which then goes local, and I fear we're going to be late. Get into the lobby at precisely 7PM, and get up the stairs to our seats with YESTERDAY'S program for today's program to start at 7:10 with an almost ununderstandable Carla Fracci taking up entirely too much time. Most of the dancers are competent but not great, though a few make a good sexy impression. Get a copy of TONIGHT'S program at intermission at 8:30, when I'm so hungry that I stand in line for twenty minutes to buy a $3.50 brownie which I wolf down before the second act starts at 9PM. This goes until 10:30, including five of the eleven post-intermission pieces being choreographed by Vladimir Vasiliev, who's being feted tonight on his seventieth birthday. He still has the same masculine, fierce, thin-chinned visage, and carries his partner around a few times. The place goes wild with applause and flowers for ten minutes at the end, and we get back to Brooklyn Heights at 11:30PM, when I have a tiny new-form HH lunch while watching the final conversation about "Spies" and get to bed about 12:30AM.

SUNDAY, 3/28/10: Up at 8:10AM to get the Times, shit, and look up "homosexuality of Sir Arthur Eddington," "death of Attila the Hun," and "LV ejection fraction and alcohol" on Google, and there DEFINITELY seems to be a connection between reduced EF and alcohol, so it seems I'm off it COMPLETELY. Check e-mail, check ZolnerZone to find that the final three memos are still missing, and catch up with this by 9:30AM, ready for the Times, breakfast, and Spartacus's call about the dance performance at 3PM today. Also calculate average Spider usage at about 2:30/day (for days played) for January and February (72 hours in all), or just less than 1:15/day (for CALENDAR days); and 3:27/day (for days played), or precisely 2:00/day (62 hours) for March, calculated to 9:55PM. Then start on the 5500, going to EFAST2 at 2:30 and really can't figure things out, so I leave a message at 1-866-463-3278 at 2:45. Out to Juilliard Dance for Cunningham: Summerspace, rather pretty, and I seem not to have seen it before; Taylor: Last Look, which I'd seen before; and Robbins: N.Y. Export: Opus Jazz, which I saw twice before. Not really that good a group, but pleasant enough. Back to watch "Spies" from last night and "Gran Torino" in real time, very depressing Clint Eastwood.

MONDAY, 3/29/10: Get up and decide that THIS is the day I discard the PC, unused under my desk, with a note atop it that says: "9/29/08: IBM computer STILL used to print Tris's bills!! 1/20/09: AND PDFs!" But my printer now DOES work for those. Turn it on one last time to see if there are any last messages on, but there's only the one from the company, repeated, that I'll have to pay for my "free" service in the future. Take out the old 5" floppy and try to copy the PDF from the Mayan trip, but later find I HAVE copies of it. Easily unscrew the three small circuit boards attached to the back, and have to wrestle with a pair of pliers on a screwdriver handle to wrench the motherboard from the back of the thing, finally getting it done. Take it to the hall and put it on my cart and tote it downstairs, freeing the underside of my desk for the first time since I've BEEN here! Then get to EFAST for my Form 5500, bitching all the way about how the government is really trying to mess us up, and they're VERY patient with my complaining, reading me a list of parts that I have to fill out, guiding me through the instructions to find code 2C on part IV, 9a, for my defined contribution money purchase plan. Something else goes wrong and the final person assures me I've now successfully submitted my form. Get to the gym. Watch "Rescue Dawn" with Christian Bale shot down in Cambodia, and "I Like Killing Flies" about Shopsin's Restaurant.

TUESDAY, 3/30/10: Get birthday cards from Avi, Marj, Shelley, and not yet from Rita, who sent it on 3/27 but it didn't get here until April 5! Get a call at 9:30 saying Dr. Sai isn't going to be in today, and get rescheduled to Monday, 4/5. Watch "Coco Before Chanel" twice, rather interesting commentary, and play Spider 5:35-6:15 and 7:50-9:20, ending at two highs at 428 and 431 up. The gap was caused by getting out in the spitting rain to meet Carolyn at Henry's End for my birthday dinner, getting $20 off with my card, and I just DON'T FEEL WELL with her: everything she says annoys me, and she gets a glass of Merlot as if to TEASE me that I'm not drinking---and SHE's not supposed to drink EITHER. And then asks about the "wine pairing" and asks where the john is though she SAW someone going in right by our table just MINUTES before. The veal I have isn't that great, either, though the little bit of Key lime pie is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, 3/31/10: Have an AWFUL dream in the morning, ripe for Sharon. Watch "Deception," and Spartacus calls about an Audience Extras for "Looped," with Valerie Harper "doing" Tallulah, though it ended up, strangely, with a second act primarily about the sound engineer's homosexuality! Play Spider 3:15-4:25, ending with the same 431 up. Then leave for Sharon, glad that the weather has FINALLY gotten wonderfully warmer.

SHARON B. 132 3/31/10

Read through the note from this morning's dream, feeling VERY low, and Sharon can only repeat what she's said a few times before: I'm feeling uncomfortable because I don't know the exact status of my cardiac problems; I've just had a very sad bit of news with my enormous taxes because I can't protect a percentage of my INVESTMENT income by putting it into my Keogh plan; though at least I DID get to Dr. DiMatteo for my fallen filling, as Mildred insisted (and I mention that she supposedly had her colostomy Tuesday morning and I hope it all went well). And, essentially, "This too shall pass." She still insisted I was more active than most people my age, I was good about going to the gym, and she didn't blame me for thinking it just wasn't FAIR that I had these things TAKEN AWAY when I'd taken such pains to KEEP in good health. I tried putting on a good face by saying that at least dining out will be SIMPLE without worrying about how much I'm going to pay for mediocre wines and drinks. Said that I wasn't really DEPRESSED, since I still enjoyed movies, and eating, and playing Spider and Taipei, and going to plays, but I just didn't have much ENERGY, hoping that my medications would improve my blood flow to GIVE me more energy. She was very sympathetic throughout the session, without offering any real advice on how to handle it except to "Wait for it to pass."

THURSDAY, 4/1/10: Jerk off in the morning. Finish watching "Weekend at the Waldorf," taped from last night's start, and then decided, since it was such a wonderful day, to call Charles to see if he was interest in the Bronx (he SAID I said that, but I can HARDLY believe it, but I guess I MUST believe HIM), no, the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens today. He was, saying we'd meet at 2PM. I play Spider 11:25-12:25 to 51.04141 at 433 up after 4 wins, then Taipei 12:25-1:20. To subway and meet Charles about 2:10PM and get tired looking at the few weeping cherries in bloom, all the others NOT open yet, and the grand display of magnolias, though the yellow one isn't open yet, and some of the spidery ones are brown from the recent frosts. Lunch in the outdoors, rather expensive at $15.78 for chili, bread, lemonade, and a too-sweet carrot cake. The place was MOBBED with angelfood-cake-shaped fur hats on pallid Hassidim with ugly wigged wives and repulsive payosed (How to spell? That from Wiki) children staring at us. Home exhausted about 5:30 to watch the Netflix "Brothers" with Tobey Maguire playing a war-ravaged returner-from-the-dead and Jake Gyllenhall bulky as his brother. Again twice, though the commentary was quite poor. Then skim two episodes of "Spartacus." Noted that I got no call from Mildred about her operation.

FRIDAY, 4/2/10: Tried HIP and the bank, but they're closed on Good Friday. Simply veg out in front of the TV screen: watch the entire episodes 5 and 6 of "Spartacus," then finish "The Major and the Minor" (stupid, with a funny Ray Milland), started last night, and continue with my tape of "The Primrose Path" (with an almost asexual Joel McCrea, a prostitute mother, and a hellish grandmother) and "Lucky Partners" (Ronald Coleman taking her on a lottery-won trip) and "Once Upon a Honeymoon" (with a teddibly stiffed-lipped, and stupid, Ginger divorcing Nazi Walter Slezak for a pop-eyed Cary Grant) for a Ginger Rogers quartet from Turner Classic Movies. Get to the gym after the FOURTH day, getting lazy again. "Relax" with Spider 5:20-6:10 to a new high of 51.04256 at 434 up after 3 wins, and then Taipei 6:15-7:30, solving every one of a complete cycle of games. 7:30PM: [Typed then] Another miserable lost week. The time just goes; I watch movies, play Spider and Taipei and Solitaire (which I have a sudden urge to play NOW, at 7:31PM, hitting the flag to minimize this page---and playing to exhaustion at 9:50PM. DAMN!! Get to bed late, eating dinner and toast and popcorn to fill my stomach.

SATURDAY, 4/3/10: Get the Times at 8AM and start about 9AM on a difficult puzzle that takes to around 1PM with breakfast reading the Book Review and clipping the review of "Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life," describing acedia as "paralysis of the soul," a vice best countered by self-discipline, and I resonate that THIS is what I suffer, rather than depression, agreeing with Dorland's that it's characterized by apathy and melancholy. Then to Spider 1:30-3 to a new high of 51.05422 at 439 up after 6 wins, then Taipei 3:05-3:50, then Solitaire 3:50-4:35. WANT to get to typing, but just DON'T: ACEDIA! Leave a second message on Mildred's phone machine. Something must have happened to her? Watch "Ptown Diaries" and "Outrage," outing homophobic Congressional homosexuals. Play Spider 7:50-9PM, disgusted with terrible games and just shut it off without keeping score. Have enough meals to get me to "Fuerza Bruta" at 9:30, at Ken's demand, and sit in a lobby with sexy guys waiting to go in to the bare room which starts with a guy shot on a treadmill in a misty shower, then a silver curtain encloses two women racing along its walls, then the runner blasts through cardboard boxes, it rains harder, people dance poundingly, then three guys and a woman swim in a shallow pool just above our heads. I put in earplugs against the din. It's over at 10:57PM, having started at 10:06, and then there's an impromptu disco scene, with a small firehose dousing those who want to be doused, and it's over at 11:10, the promised 70 minutes, and there's enough time for me to get back to Clark Street before the station closes at midnight. Have soup and get to bed about 1AM.

SUNDAY, 4/4/10: Up at 8:30 for the Times, and then at 9:13AM call 311 for the nearest public hospital to Mildred, and she's not at Metropolitan Hospital. Then try Mount Sinai and Lenox Hill, and get the number for the Medical Examiner who would have a Death Certificate, if it was given, and numbers for the Department of Health as the Customer Service number which only answers Monday through Friday. I'm convinced something's happened to Mildred because she hasn't called, and Charles hasn't answered my two requests, on Saturday and Sunday, for him to please call me. Get to the disastrous Spider from last night 2:15-5:30, ending at a pathetic 51.01648 at 423 up after 2 wins finally allow me to get off. Watch the end of "The Last Testament of Christ," thinking it would end with his Resurrection on this Easter Sunday, but it dies when he does on Good Friday. Then surf to find "The Pool," about a weird Indian from Karnataka obsessing about a pool owned by a father from Mumbai whose daughter at 9 allowed his son at 5 to drown in the pool. And that takes me to Fritz Lang's "Liliom," with a chesty Charles Boyer, that goes to 11:30PM.

MONDAY, 4/5/10: Phone HIP at 8:50 to verify that Sai is at Nevins for my 9:30 appointment. Wrote up the whole sordid mess in MEDICAL. Back at 11:30 to see the mailman finishing delivery, and he brings my stack over to me sitting on the bench in the lobby! I tell him that now I know why everyone in the building wanted him back. Spider 11:40-2:10, getting back up slowly to 51.0254 at 427 up after 5 wins, then have lunch and read mail, and then, PERVERSELY, get back to Spider 3:25-8:20, eyes blearing, ass sore from sitting, but pleased to get to 51.04321 at 435 up after ELEVEN wins. Watch "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," also perversely, twice, ending at 1:10AM! Truly a crappy piece of work, mostly CGI, wooden acting, showing hardly anything of Channing Whoever's body.

TUESDAY, 4/6/10: Wake thinking it's Wednesday, and make a list of things to do: 1) look through magazines to get the two movies that Charles recommended and the HDL and LDL levels in some article, 2) phone more for Mildred, 3) catch up with DH and NJ, 4) gym, 5) blood work, 6) Sharon/pick up prescription. Then realized it's only Tuesday! Play Spider 11:25-12:10 and then 12:40-12:50, getting up to 51.04771, good, at 437 up after 4 wins. 12:50PM: [Typed then] MILDRED CALLED!!! Charles KNEW she was at Cornell Medical Center and had PHONED her the day after her operation, when she said she was about to commit suicide. Left word with Spartacus and called Marj and Rita. WHAT A RELIEF!!! 12:51PM: ANOTHER call from the Census which left me alone when I said I would be away May 10-31. DAMN!!! GOT to get to work on updating NJ and DH! And MEDICAL! Started, but went to the gym, then back for lunch with TV, and continued with Spider, started at 11:25-12:10, then 12:40-12:50 after MILDRED CALLED, then 5:50-7PM to a NEW HIGH of 51.05465 at 440 up after 4 wins, recovering from disaster since 4/3 previous high. Clear up papers on desk to 8PM. Start typing DH from 3/29 to 4/6. Finish at 8:17PM and start catching up with NJ. Finally, starving for dinner, get caught up enough to get out the April calendar page at 9:15PM. Finish with this at LAST at 9:58PM, desperate for dinner, but at least THIS is done, without typing. Maybe now save MC. That takes to 10PM. Heat a creole chicken dinner and watch "Gojira" on Netflix to 11:47PM, getting to bed at 11:55PM.

WEDNESDAY, 4/7/10: Up at 6:18 with a dream which I transcribe to 6:32, looking out at the striped rosy clouds in the dawn sky at 68. Feel not quite so tired, but think that soon I'll be counting down the days to my next trip, worried if it's going to be disastrous in some age-related way. Up at 8:10AM for breakfast. File my "gym days" card away with 64 gym days in 10 months of 2008, 84 days in all of 2009, and 26 days in 3 months of 2010; also 41 jerk-off days in 10 months of 2008, 51 in all of 2009, and 9 in the 3 months of 2010. Also make out a Medical History card for 2010 with EKGs, Holter, and stress test. Print 3 NJ pages, 1 MEDICAL page, and 1 DH page. Noted "Gloomy Sunday," a Netflix play, and "Something the Lord Made," on HBO-S on Sunday, two movies that Charles recommended. My desk is now TOTALLY CLEARED! Watch TV and out at 11:15 to get handed my returned passport with five Stan visas, give my 101 Clark tax forms to the female building manager for $2 to notarize only ONE copy for the office, mail my ticket order for April 18th's organ concert, check with HSBC to find THEY offer no Health Savings Accounts, saying I have to check on the Internet, where I find that you can't open them if you're in Medicare! Then up to give blood for my catheterization on Tuesday, for which someone from the hospital called to get all kinds of information, down to Rita's phone number even though John is my emergency contact. Stop at the library to get John Stanley's arrangement of "Nancy" comic strips from 1957-1958, which I read from 12:05-12:55PM, and then the first story in Adrian's collection of stories. Lunch while watching more TV, starting "Urbania" for the second time, then get out to pick up my prescription and get to Sharon at 4:45. Calm session, back to more mail, and finish "Urbania," and set up recording for "The Buddha" tonight, which my New Yorker magazine reading reminded me I wanted to see. Get my Schwab statements and file those amounts, still higher than 6/09, though I'm about to send off $10,000 in taxes and quarterly estimated taxes. Then catch up with this at 7:25PM, determined to record Sharon's session while it's FRESH!

SHARON B. 133 4/7/10

Comment that it's 90 outside and she has the A/C running. Show her the book review on acedia, which she'd not heard of, and talk about how that fits what I'm feeling, though I can turn it on or off, which I clearly did when I was so concerned about Mildred, which I told Sharon about, again railing against Charles for not having told me that he TALKED to her, though maybe, I thought, he might not have wanted to share the information that she'd actually talked about suicide in the hospital she was feeling so awful. Made a good recital of all the good things I did since I last saw her: Fuerza Bruta, repeated the poor dinner with Carolyn on my birthday, called my sister about getting her birthday envelope AND about Mildred phoning me, and said I might be now counting the days to my trip, since it's been so long since I've BEEN on one. With my desk clear, I now AGAIN have only two areas of endeavor: reorganizing the apartment and the website. She asks why I'd resist completing the reorganization, and I come up with the idea that when I'm finished with THAT, I'm sort of FROZEN into my apartment as it is, and there's nothing MORE to be done to "finish" it. Came up with my sadness that, with my stamp collection FROZEN, I have nothing much more to do with it, taking only a few times each few months to look through a couple of album pages to remind myself of what a wonderful collection I have. Talked about the disappointment that my appointment with Sai had the moderately bad news of impaired heart function, the NEED for a catheterization, which she said was done with me awake, as it was with her father. I said that at least, even if I needed some kind of stent or balloon for a blockage, I lasted until I was 74, not like others who had to have it in their 50s or 60s. And I could even have some kind of operation and STILL be ready for my trip, though it WOULD be ironic, we agreed, if I refused all those Census jobs BECAUSE of the trip, and then my heart wouldn't permit me to finally TAKE the trip. She asked if my birthday had any significance for me, and I said that ONE of the phrases I couldn't read from my note card on my dream last Wednesday SAID that all this was happening "now that I was 74." The 45 minutes went by very quickly, and I signed forms for her and said I'd see her next week.

Continuation of Wednesday, 4/7/10: Finish typing Sharon's session at 7:35, still warm in my apartment with the temperature still 81 outside. Now to Taipei to 8PM and "The Buddha." Did that, and watched "Unmistaken Child," good, to 11:30, and then got to bed before midnight, feeling virtuous and doing an entire Actualism session that I recorded for 4/7, despite the fact that I did it early in the morning of 4/8.

THURSDAY, 4/8/10: Wake with a dream at 7:04AM and do another complete Actualism session to 8AM and get up for an early breakfast, finishing an old New York magazine. Then finish proofing Marj's PATGONID and add TWENTY-ONE non-proofed travel items from TR to her white flashdrive, finishing just in time to call her at 11AM and get through the proofing to 12:15PM, finding that she'd already finished the four remaining travel items on the flashdrive, AFRICA having been changed to TANZANIA and finished before, and had started on a one-third notebook set of pages. I mention that Mildred hasn't called back yet. I then send off her check and record that there are seven more travel files in MC waiting to be transferred to the flashdrive, and, as I said in the note to her, "The 5 Stans will be the eighth travel file." Then check e-mail and find that my Schwab One has my sales amount from yesterday already, though the Ridgewood amount is still in the process of being transferred. Then I do an on-line transfer of funds from Schwab One to fill my 2009 Keogh contribution. Leave a message with the passport service about my "missing" letter. That TOTALLY clears off my desk of stuff to do. Tempted to watch a free Netflix, but I then think it would be better to leave that for evening watching, so I just don't waste time on whatever shows up on my TV surfing. Catch up with this to 12:47PM, will transcribe the dream, and then GO BACK TO THE APARTMENT REORGANIZATION AT LAST. Handle most of eight trips [REORGCHR], have lunch, and let Turkey material clutter the living room until Sunday. Do Spider 7-9:50, the start of a series of disasters, ending at 51.03652 at 433 up after three LOSSES, just TOO TIRED to play carefully, so I'm LOSING EVERYTHING. Then watch a strange "Gloomy Sunday" on Netflix while having dinner. Odd melody drives people to suicide---why did Charles find it so compelling? Bed after midnight.

FRIDAY, 4/9/10: A real WASTED DAY! NO idea what I did until I stupidly went back to Spider 9:45-11:05, ending at 50.03369 at 432 up after 3 wins, then maybe tried catching up with this journal, but I didn't START a Friday entry, just added it to the end of Thursday, which error I didn't catch until Monday. Then went to Solitaire 11:55-1:45, then Taipei 1:45-2:40, stopping because I was starving for lunch, when I just had a can of soup. Then BACK to Spider 3:10-4:25, more disasters, going to EIGHT losses to 423 up, then down to 421 up, then down to 418 up, which is below 51%, finding that 419 up is 51% again. Do whatever, and BACK to Spider 6:15-7:10. Leave at 7:15 for the amusing "Irish Curse" with Spartacus, great writing and a VERY sexy Austin Peck, who "traveled the world at 17 as a model and settled into a long-running TV soap." Back to watch the essentially five-part "Angels and Demons" which ends with the suprising immolation of could-be-Pope Ewan McGregor. Get to bed just after 1AM.

SATURDAY, 4/10/10: Get the Times about 8:40AM and finish with it by 12:25. Then do Spider 12:25-2:50 to 51.00363 at 420 up after 2 wins, the LOWEST having been down to 413 up, under 51%. Then Solitaire 2:50-3:40, have lunch, ignore Turkey on the living-room floor, read an Adrian short story, and get back to an awful set of Spiders 5:15-6:05 and 8:15-855, my first tuna casserole in ages cooking, and watch "Scarlet Street" with a commentator who stutters even more than the usual host. Then finally finish Spider 11:25-12:25 at 50.99078 at 415 up after 5 wins. Bed about 12:45AM.

SUNDAY, 4/11/10: Times comes at 8:10AM, I finish it, have breakfast, and get back to Spider 10:30-11:30 to 50.99284 at 416 up after 2 wins, not wanting to try for 418 up, which previously had switched to 51%, but which now is probably more. Then go to WP and it comes up "another running?" and WON'T take either Yes OR No. Try it a few times, then restart the computer a few times, and it STILL DOESN'T work! Maybe it's DEAD! In desperation try WP11, and get a completely foreign screen, and phone Spartacus to moan. Then try to CHANGE the document, and it WON'T! Then try WORD, and IT doesn't work! GHASTLY!! Finally think that maybe the KEYBOARD is what's not working, and THAT'S IT! The computer I just THREW OUT specified if the keyboard wasn't connected, but the NEW DELL doesn't TELL me that! So everything WORKS again! The "death" of WP5 was terrible, because WP11 doesn't seem to access my dot-matrix printer, only my single-sheet HP! It would be AWFUL to change. Call Spartacus AGAIN, and then catch up with dreams and this to 1:25PM, calling Mildred to advise her NEVER to get a computer! Marj's phone is off the hook. Decide to update REORGCHR and then try Spider again. Play 1:30-2:30 and NOTHING is going right; can't even get up the energy to record the score. Eat cold tuna casserole for lunch, and my IMPLANT falls out! Phone DiMatteo to leave a message for an appointment as soon as possible, and then put the tooth back in, despite Marj's later warning that I could SWALLOW it and have to mush through my shit to find it when I eventually PASS it. Go through 14) Yangtze, 15) Spacific, and 16) Swissals, each one taking a LOT of time. My movie starts recording at 7PM, but I don't want to watch it now. Then, TOTALLY CRAZED, I return to Spider at 7:30, recording a score of 50.98946 at 415 up after 4 wins at 10:45, and then MADLY decide to try to get to 51%, going to 12:15AM ALMOST WITHOUT THINKING, and then watch 26 minutes of "Something the Lord Made," recorded earlier, while having more cold tuna casserole with the tooth not coming out again, and get to bed just before 1AM, trying NOT to think about my cardiac catheterization on Tuesday, but clearly driven somewhat out of my mind because of it.

MONDAY, 4/12/10: 8:40AM: Things happening! Wake at 7:04AM with a dream, then pee. Up after mulling over ways to record my REORGCHR. Decide to shave before I dress, but I have to oil the shaver and knock it around before it works. Then dress and get to the computer to find that AGAIN the keyboard has been disconnected, and fuss around for about ten minutes before I connect it CORRECTLY. Then find that I messed up NJ by not making a separate entry for Thursday, 4/8. THEN find that my incorrectly typing MC/NJ has made a new file called MC\NJ.BAK! [AND for some crazy reason the SPACING SPEED is greatly decreased!] But when I RECHECK it, after saving MC\NJ, it's GONE! INCOMPREHENSIBLE! Get out my slide list and triplist to start to record my thoughts about REORGCHR when the phone rings: Lea from LICH wants me to show up at 6AM tomorrow morning! "You have to register." "How LONG does it take to register? If I have to wait for an hour, I'll blame YOU, Lea." "Well, be sure you show up by 6:30AM." "OK." Type some more and she phones back AGAIN: "Be sure you're here at 7:30AM." Quite a difference from 6AM! Now it's 9:18AM as I print out the last page, having reprinted the previous page, and I'm ready to get to REORGCHR to type my thoughts about THAT. Then breakfast, change some of the trip-indicators but it doesn't seem reasonable to do that with the larger sets of large items, then have lunch and watch the end of "Something the Lord Made" and call Charles, Mildred, Carolyn, and Piri, and NONE of them told me to watch those films! Charles got the Brooklyn Heights house tour invitation for May 9, which I get later today, and I reserve for us for lunch at SHO Shaun Hergatt for Friday, where we have to wear jackets. Finish writing the taxes checks by 3:30, having worked twelve hours in all on taxes, and mail them and pick up the mail, which includes "White Light, Black Rain," which I watch, having seem much of it, it seems, before. Get ANOTHER call from LICH, demanding that I call HIP to get them to give LICH my 4/9 blood-test results, and I blow up: "If YOU can't get to them, how should I be able to get to them," particularly since it's almost 5PM and I think the lab CLOSES at 4:30 most days. So now she insists I get there by 6:30 at the LATEST, having held out for 6PM for a long time. I'm REALLY disgusted with them, in just a FOUL mood. Read the mail and feel quite tired, so I get to Spider from 6:20-7:10, really WAY down in scores, finishing at 50.96685 at 406 up after 3 wins, lower than BEFORE 2/15! Catch up with this by 7:23PM, still feeling just like going to BED, but at least have to take a crap. Then warm a can of soup and eat that until just after 8PM, and play Taipei, winning most, 8:15-9PM, still tired enough that I'll pull down the shade and get into bed at 9:14PM, intending to get up after 5AM with enough time before leaving for my 6:30AM appointment.

TUESDAY, 4/13/10: Looked at the clock around 11PM, having dozed a bit, and get up at 5:34AM. 6:20AM: Noted a dream at 2:27AM, took a valium at 3:45, and did thinking about REORGCHR: USE the metal cases in the middle of the, about 26, as I count them, rows to STABILIZE the material in the rows and to give a good indication of where the middle is: making a label reading SC7, for example. Type this just before I leave with three magazines and a book to read. Procedure described in MEDICAL. Have a good codfish-and-chips lunch at Chip Shop, drinking lots of water. Read mail and do Spider 3:10-4:20 to 50.97142 to 408 up at 3 wins, then Solitaire 4:20-5 when I just feel like lying down! Do so, but up for more Spider 6:35-8:25, endless woe, to 50.96611 at 406 up after 2 wins, then more Solitaire to 9:40. Heat dinner and watch "Godzilla: Final Wars" on Netflix, unbelievably amateurish and campy, stopping at 10PM to talk to Charles about "The Irish Curse" that I got him an Audience Extras ticket for, and get to bed about 12:20AM, very tired, washing some of the "blue glove" off my right arm so I won't stain the sheets, but leaving lots on my upper legs.

WEDNESDAY, 4/14/10: Tired, up for Spider 9:30-10:35, to 50.97059 at 408 up after 4 wins, then have breakfast and get to DiMatteo at 11:57AM to "The Ride of the Valkyries" on WQXR, but she doesn't take me until 12:05PM. Turns out it COULD have needed a recanalization to make sure my bacteria-laden saliva hasn't infected the tooth material around the crown, but she chips away at the interior of the cavity to find it solid, takes an x-ray to find it looks OK, and says to BE ABSOLUTELY SAFE it should be redone, but if it were HER mouth, she'd be content with just a re-cementing, for which I thank her. Get out at 12:40, and since it wasn't HER original work, having been done before I started seeing her in 2002, she'll probably charge me for THIS, as she rather bridled at the thought that I might have expected a bill from her for her PREVIOUS repair of HER work from a year ago. Told me not to do anything rough with the tooth for a number of hours until the cement dries thoroughly. Back by the library to pick up TWO books ready for me (never DID get a notice for the second one?), and Spider 1-1:50 to 410 up, and catch up with journals to 2:45PM, feeling virtuous enough to look for an Audience Extras for this evening, reserving for "666" at the Minetta Lane, fantasizing about a walk-in for a Minetta Lane Tavern burger for $26 afterwards. Print out pages and go to Spider AGAIN at 2:50-3:50, again comfortably up at 50.97964 at 412 up after 3 wins, ready for a late lunch before Sharon.