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2011 1 of 8

2011 Journal

SATURDAY, 1/1/11: "Buzz" at 7:57AM wakes me, so I get Times and pee, and get back to sleep to have DREAMS:1/1/11. Up at 10:48AM and call Marj to celebrate 11:11:11 on 1/11/11. Transcribe my did-list: 1) Get Times at 7:57AM. 2) Dress at 10:48. 3) Marj 11:02-12:09PM! 4) Leave word with Edgardo 12:12PM. 5) Finish breakfast 12:50PM. 6) Check last week's Times puzzle to 1PM. 7) Daily Spider 1:08-3:01, OK to 51.40133 at 638 up after 7 wins, over 5.1 again! 8) E-mail to 3:05. 9) Check LAST week's Times, for articles I wanted to clip but didn't because Paul was still reading the paper, to 4:25. 10) Set up and schedule TV to 3:30. 11) Talk to Shelley to 3:44. 12) Leave word with Charles at 3:45. 13) Talk to Mildred to 4:06. 14) Finish lunch and doublecrostic at 5:22. 15) Finish crossword at 6:05. 16) Charles calls 6:45-7:07. 17) Finish Times 7:45. 18) Dinner watching "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief to 10PM. 19) DVD and VHS fuss to 11:15. 20) Spider 11:20-1:20AM, to 51.40498 at 640 up after 4 wins, the first of a series of "best yet." 21) Bed at 1:33AM, at least two and a half hours earlier than LAST night.

SUNDAY, 1/2/11: Pee 5:48AM. Get Times and pee at 8:35. Up at 10AM. Spider 10:18-10:45AM, hoping to get it out of my system with a perfect play to 51.40699 at 641 up after 2 wins, another "best yet." Breakfast ends at 11:30. Water plants to 11:35. Finish Times at noon. Find 2011 calendar 12:05PM. Garbage out 12:10. Watch "Bette Midler: The Showgirl Must Go On" 12:15-1:30, laughing at three good jokes: 1) pretend-blind woman saying "He gave me a chihuahua?" 2) "Picked up by the fuzz? No, but I was swung by the tits." 3) A virgin? "If I'd known you'd get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." Gym to 3:05. Impelled back to Spider 3:20-4:25PM, good at 51.40875 at 642 up after 2 wins, another "best yet." Lunch and "Film's Sexiest Men" to 5:20. CRAZILY back to Spider 5:23-5:50PM good to 51.41076 at 643 up after 2 wins, another "best yet," and then continue to 6:47PM GREAT to 51.41703 to 646 up, the highest up, surpassing my previous record of 643 up back at 12/14/10, after 4 wins, another "best yet." 7:58PM: Catch up on SOME of notes. 9:48PM: Transcribe Taipei and Solitaire hours into December-end dates. Start on Spider dates before watching TCM for two films, "No Highway in the Sky," which I saw in 6/72, and "Fate Is the Hunter" to 11:55PM. 12:55AM: Finished Spider dates, to date, and OF COURSE I'm COMPELLED to try AGAIN to meet my high AVERAGE of 51.43634. Play 12:58AM-3:15AM, a PISSER, to 51.40727 at 642 up after 4 wins. Bed 3:25AM!

MONDAY, 1/3/11: 8:49AM: Note DREAMS:1/3/11, then pee. Do a good Actualism session, and at 10:11AM a woman from Luxembourg & Dayan calls to say they were closed the week after Christmas but they're open this week Monday through Thursday 11-4, and I feel wonderful that she actually got back to me. Start a did-list, but have only one real entry: 1) Breakfast over 11:05AM. Play Spider 11:10AM-1:20PM, MISERY, to 51.40002 at 639 up after 3 wins, and determined to CONTINUE to 2:55PM, sorta OK, to 51.40629 at 642 up after 4 wins, saying PLEASE QUIT! Sometime during the day I check the website to find that, in Travel: Galapagos, Tris corrected my e-mail address on the slide show to, but did NOT correct the spelling of GalapAGOs. Carolyn calls from downstairs and wants to come up. I show her some of the certificates I'd put aside during my apartment reorganization, and she gets engrossed in my file of photographs. I decide to pass the time by processing four more boxes, see REORGCHR:1/3/11. Spider again after Carolyn leaves 7:25-8:20PM, anh, to 51.40367 to 641 up after 3 wins, AGAIN please quit, but I type this---and---go BACK! Play 8:25-9:35 to 51.40542 at 642 up after 4 wins, yet AGAIN please quit. But I make a new index-card score-card (#48) and play from 9:35-11PM, this almost worth if, ending at 51.41806 at 648 up after 7 wins, GREAT! Watch the end of some Olympics that Spartacus told me about on Channel 176: Universal Sports. Then "Tokyo Chorus" before bed at 1:35AM.

TUESDAY, 1/4/11: Pee at 8:35AM, purposely held to make it an even seven hours from the time I went to bed. Type DREAMS:1/4/11. Back to bed at 8:45 for an Actualism session to 9:32, where the message seemed to be summed up by "Protection/Perfection." Scrawl things to DO DO DO: 1) Closet: a) new chair, b) all stamps out. 2) Ken/Isensteins//Libya/Algeria. 3) MTP join. 4) ASI page. 5) DO DO DO. 6) Laundry/groceries. 7) Charles/Met/Koons. 8) Schwab funds into HSBC. 9) HIP lab slip? 10) Palgon appointment? Then got up and made a did-list: 1) Make list 9:35AM. 2) Strip bedclothes 9:40. 3) Old broken dining-table chair to trash-room 9:45. 4) Stamps and boxes and replacement chair out of closet 10AM. 5) Stamps up for display and empty boxes into closed at 10:15. 6) Tiffany crystal vase washed and put up on shelf, and dining-table leaves moved into the hall closet at 10:20. 7) Breakfast to 10:55. 8) Charles and Carolyn phone. 9) Count laundry and take it out at 11:10. 10) Buy groceries, much needed, to noon. 11) HIP: LW to call me back on bloodwork slip at 12:25PM. 12) Hip/Chin/hassle to 1:14PM about Palgon "authorization." Dress quickly and leave at 1:26 for two perfectly caught subways. Bus leaves 79th and Broadway at 1:52. Get to Met early and look through the gift shop, VERY expensive, from 2:05-2:27, make our itinerary to 2:39, Charles arrives at 2:48. Drag a slow-walking Charles out of the Met at 2:50 to walk to 64 E. 77th, where he complains that this is NOT "just around the corner." They ARE open at 2:58, and we enter a bare-white lower floor with a single table with a register-book open on it, and a woman in the back room, working at a computer, says that the exhibits are upstairs. An oriental couple leaves as we enter. We climb to the second floor: the whole house seems to have been gutted to the bare walls and replaced with pure white boxes of display, with closed doors to back rooms on each of the three display floors, and simple shades on front windows looking out to the street. Each of the two front rooms holds one large pixilated photo: mostly with Koons's flaccid penis draped over his hairy leg. Up on the next floor are two more photos, one an extreme close-up of his erection buried in her cunt, the other showing him cunt-licking. On the top floor are three most-explicit ones: one is an extreme close-up of his cock cuming on her cunt, another is a close-up of his cock cuming in her face, and the third is a rather beautiful GLASS object, on a three- by two-foot glass platter, about two and a half feet high, of him about to fuck her: his undetailed cock is just outside her detailed vagina, the back of his body is rather nice, despite the fact that even though SHE has an asshole, he doesn't. I actually would pick THAT object as the one I'd like to have. He's quite cute, not the nerdy-looking fellow I saw in the recent interview with Tom Ford, but then the exhibit IS from 1991, with the name "Made in Heaven." Not quite sure I agree with the New York magazine comment from the August 30-September 6 issue that it's "Still outrageous, still prescient." Prescient of WHAT? Leave by going down the tiny elevator at 3:06. At 3:24 wait for Charles to pay his entry fee, juggling seven things in his hands. To "Yuan Revolution: Art and Dynastic Change" in scrolls from 3:32-4:05, getting two Chinese girls to inform us that they can easily read the scrawled characters. Long walk to elevator down to cafeteria for lunch 4:15-4:40, again paying exactly $16 for lunch of a sandwich, a Snapple, and a brownie. Then up to "John Baldessari: Pure Beauty," rushing from 4:47-5:18, not seeing the end before we're ushered out with "We're closing." Not really very interesting anyway, but it was a show I'd wanted to check off as having seen. Out at 5:24, Charles goes across for the east-side subway, and I sit on the corner, letting THREE crowded busses go by before getting on the fourth to get to the subway at 5:55. Back from museum at 6:30PM. Watch some Winter Olympics on Channel 176: Universal Sports, but there are lots of ads and it's not universally interesting. Think to tape it the next nights, but decide it's really not worth the trouble to watch. E-mail to Simoon Travel for prices for 4 tourists to Algeria and Libya. Spider 12:23-1:25AM to 51.41994 to 649 up, a new high for "up," though not yet for average, after 2 wins. Bed at 1:40AM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/5/11: Up at 5:28AM to try to shit to 5:52AM, and take a stool softener. Type DREAMS:1/5/11 to 6:15AM. Pee at 8:19AM and up at 9:50AM. Make a did-list for the day: 1) Up and dressed by 10AM. 2) LW with Charles and Fred McKeckney at 10:20. 3) Breakfast while watching the first hour of a special on the BeeGees to 11:40AM. 4) E-mail Isensteins TWICE about Algeria-Libya trip to 11:55AM. 5) Talk to Marj 11:55-12:05PM. 6) Talk to Marj 1:05-1:53PM!! Spartacus tells me to try "Only Angels Have Wings" on my COMPUTER since it won't work on my TV set, and it WORKS, so I watch it! 7) Complete to page 57 of NK by 4:47PM. Sharon called to postpone my session to 5PM. 6:15PM: Couldn't resist going in to CVS to see about getting DVD-RWs for my ailing system, but they only sold pre-recorded DVDs now. Resisted the candies and chips and crispies, though I might fear my craving for food and sweets as a precursor to diabetes. Passed through my mind to get hot-fudge-sundae mixings from Gristedes, but it passed THROUGH. Didn't even read the mail: here I got THIS week's TV Guide YESTERDAY (along with the VERY late Scientific American for January), and NEXT week's TODAY, as well as the new New Yorker, which I always look forward to---not to mention the Netflix "Inception," which I put up against the Channel 13 opera tonight. Now do I make toast and eat it? No, what I do is SPIDER!!! Play 6:20-8:20PM to 51.42582 at 652 up, ANOTHER HIGHEST, after 5 wins, GOOD. Then remember that I wanted to watch "Don Pasquale" with Nebtrenko, which I do until 10:30. Have dinner and watch other TV. Exterminator-cleaning 12-12:30AM, and bed at 12:32AM.

SHARON B. 161 1/5/11

Get there on the dot of 5PM and called in instantly. I give her my page of dreams, starting by reading the bulk of the "cuts" dream, verbally confessing that it reminded me of my "cuts" of time by playing Spider so much, and then NOT KNOWING how it connected me with "Love me" with Arno in my first LSD session. I felt that I was SUPPRESSING something about love, and therapy, and SHARON that should have been said, but couldn't think of a way of saying it, and she said nothing that led anywhere near. The "cuts" became "pieces of me" that people were claiming: Paul of my psychic awareness of his presence in my apartment for nine days, Marj with her endless talk of HER problems, Mildred asking for my medical advice about listening to her second-opinion surgeon, even Charles (at the end of the session) asking me questions that he seemed to KNOW I'd know the answers to so that he could say how smart I was, as my mother used to do with musical titles. Circled back to the "Love me" from the center of the onion-layers around my innermost me, but said that, though that might have been a priority five years ago, RECENTLY there's an ABHORENCE of the idea of someone taking over part of my life: I just won't be able to PUT UP with it. Rehearsed the e-mail mix-up while praising my "putting the Libya and Algeria tour in the laps of my possible sharers." Touched on the HIP frustrations where I FOUND my tongue in screaming at people, "You're NO HELP AT ALL," rather than having it cut out, as in the dream, and "the castration" she referred to, which led me to say I had a FEW sessions with no emission, or no orgasm-thrill, but I'd follow it up with a more successful session just to prove that it was still there. Also described Ken's lolling about in his shorts on his bed as I lay next to him watching the Times Talk and the Actor's Studio with James Franco. Admitted to Carolyn's and Marj's and Mildred's love, with my unrequited (though I did say that it finally WAS) love for Arno. And even Edgardo's revelation reflected in my attempts to phone him after his San Francisco stay starting on December 19. Blamed the holiday malaise, my stack of stuff I "should" do, my GOOD things of subways and busses lining up for my Met visit, my KNOWING that I was rambling all over the place with topics. She concluded by saying we might follow up on my "wanting to punish myself for not doing what I should be doing," though she'd also read my other dreams on the sheet to see what they might bring---though I realize, also, that I usually start the tenor of the session by what I bring up first. Though we DO cover a lot of ground. Leave on the dot of 5:45PM.

THURSDAY, 1/6/11: Pee at 2:32AM and 5:55AM and 6:57AM. Up at 7:33AM. Have breakfast and start watching "Inception," sad that I can't understand what Watanabe is saying with his thick accent. Exterminator comes in about 8:40AM and leaves his white trail all over everything. Spartacus comes over after being at Bob's, to pick up "Inception" to watch it again, and suggests we have lunch at Iron Chef. Not bad, but his constant talking kind of gets on my nerves. We don't finish until 3:25PM, cutting short their break before dinner starts at 4PM. Forgot to mention playing Taipei 1:15-1:35PM waiting for Spartacus to arrive. Have a shit session of Spider 4:05-7:25PM to 51.41808, falling to 649 up after 2 wins---too long! Then play Solitaire 7:25-7:40PM. Rather than do anything useful, I decide to see which "Four Bones" movies I can watch on Netflix live, and see rather boring "Life and Times of Hank Greenburg," having no idea why it would get four bones unless you were a Jewish baseball player. Then watch a paint-drying-slow "Late Spring" by early Ozu of a listless woman who just wants to support her father, but when her father insists she marry someone, she does. Ugh! Check e-mail at 12:15AM and find a large indexing job being offered by M.E. Sharpe Co. Send them my resume and get to bed at 12:39AM.

FRIDAY, 1/7/11: 4:40AM hear DEFINITE "phone ring" that isn't real. Pee. 7:48AM: note DREAMS:1/7/11 and pee again, AND at 8:03AM. Up to find that it's SNOWING again, but only 1/5 inches accumulate through the day. At 8:38AM I start a MUST-DO list: 0) Actualism to 8:46. 1) Bloodwork from 11:05-11:10AM in the new facility, home at 11:20. 2) Edgardo still no answer at 9:26. 3) Talk to Mildred at 9:25. 4) Schwab funds to 1:35PM. 5) ASI resume, not really done, to 2PM. 6) Large-index check: nothing at 9AM. 7) Decide to JOIN MTP for $50 in hopes of finding someone to travel to West Africa and Algeria/Libya with me. I add 15 Canada destinations and end up #8396 of 9066. 8) Fred's party. 9) Google "Behinder I get," and get the White Rabbit by Lewis Carroll saying "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get" at 9:07. Get up at 8:47AM and pee AGAIN. Talk to Marj 11:25-11:53, though she's eager to get off the phone to handle her OWN shit, rather than mine. Played some disgusting Spider, too poor a game to even record. Then back to MTP and check all those I put on my sheet, getting 289 destinations of 872 for a rank of 230. Add France and Germany, messing up my desk with the torn-page Atlas, to 311 destinations for a rank of #191. Then add 2 in Mexico to 313, rank #190. Note that 350 will get me to #130; 400 [Hall of Fame] would get me to #90. Do this to 5:15PM, and pack up three bottles of wine and take the subway to Fred's, starting with only Mary and her husband and Meche, but then Sugar and her husband show up, and finally Helen, and then the wonderful Josephine, who's known Fred for 40 years and talks easily about the deceased Sherman without causing Fred to cringe. Downstairs to the wonderful table to start with Fred's fabulously prepared and garlicked scallop, "The best scallop I've ever eaten," and then some patΘd and caviared crackers, then a fantastically well-spiced beef loin, where I get the burnt ends with delight. Then a half-dozen wonderful desserts: chocolate chip and raisin cookies, carrot cake, banana bread, oreos of light chocolate cake filled with creme fraiche, and finally Meche's superlative brownies, of which I have three, and threaten to take some home, but Fred hides them, so that when I finally get up to leave at 12:15AM I let him have the delicious rest. Leave by saying "I can only wish we would gather again next year at this time so wonderfully," at which everyone breaks into applause. I leave flushed with pleasure. Bed 1:25AM.

SATURDAY, 1/8/11: Pee at 3:53AM and 8:12AM. Get Times and type DREAMS:1/8/11. 8:24AM: Take cough lozenges and pee again and back to bed. EXHAUSTIVE Actualism 9:21-9:43. Make note to check Google for 1) Charioteer in Sicily [which turns out to be off the EAST coast, which I really didn't get near]. 2) Chinese "is" character, which I can't find, but the sites are enormous, with 50,000-word dictionaries mentioned. 3) Facebook members [and get the name Lorene Vallish Phelps from Rita]. 4) CVS: prescriptions ready? [No, and not even by Monday].
More disgusting unrecorded Spider; just can't stay away, but just can't make it work! Watch "Inception" again, with Spartacus's suggested subtitles, and I can now say I understand it! Then, looking at MTP, I see a connection to sign up for Facebook, so I decide to DO it, and immediately I get a list of 11 people who have ME as a friend: Carolyn, Dale Bostrom, Eliot Markell(info@brucejaffe), Elliot Linzer, Greg Egert, Sandy Isenstein, Edgardo Caverzasi, Ken Levin, Maria Sarasky (flasker), Tris, and Rita. Then at 10PM Lorene swamps me with Jordan Cahill, Dave Vallish, Elizabeth Vallish, Lillian Foote, Walter Foote, Marta Putsanis Vallish, Shantal Vallish, Ryan Vallish, Tiffany Alicia, Shane Mayberry, Samantha Vallish, Kat Roulerson Vallish, Bullet Shih, Diane Buglewicz Foote, Hallie Foote, Daust Foote, Daniel Vallish, Dan Vallish, Christopher Cahill, Karen Linny Meyers, Daniel Vallish, Horton Foote Jr., Stephanie McVallish, and Vallish Extended Family. My mind reels. Then watch the TV premier (in only 2-D) of "Clash of the Titans," not really as bad a movie as some critics would have it. Bed 2:30AM!

SUNDAY, 1/9/11: 4:07AM: Phantom phone rings and I pee. Note DREAMS:1/9/11. Pee at 7:01AM and get up at 10:19AM. Glance through Times with breakfast. 12:33PM: Doing things has never been so productive, yet "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get." STILL weeks behind in journal entries, STILL piles of stuff on desk and table, STILL things to do (check on Friday's bloodwork, check on Chin's missing prescription renewals), without thinking of the website and apartment reorganization. The rest of the week, after today's Games Group, is relatively easy, only two things on Tuesday (lunch and slides) and Sharon on Wednesday. Spider was pulled out of the pit only to be thrown back by disastrous sessions I didn't even bother to RECORD over the past few days: they were just too depressing, though I'll have to come up with their averages SOMETIMES. Maybe now? Play Spider 12:35-12:50PM to 51.40199 at 642 up after 1 loss, awful. Then ride in sunlight to Piri's to 2:03PM, getting in first because Mark isn't coming, and Barbara arrives last to make Diane and Caesar and Alexa to make 6 for Alexa's "Words on the Road," interesting enough: my team wins the try-out, the other team wins the next two. Then we play only three games (half a round) of Boggle, which I win, and then we're to Charades, which are fun. Leave around 6 and get back about 7, getting a message from Ken about setting up our France-Gourmet trip end-May and June, and a set of questions about indexing from John Gruen. Then go to Spider 7:05-11:25PM, REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THAT, going WAY down to 51.3761 at 631 up after FINALLY getting 3 wins. Then have a HH meal, watch TV, ending with Piers Morgan in Las Vegas which I tape the rest of, having been through the end of "Monster's Ball" at 11:50PM, which I'd seen before but remembered NOTHING of! Catch a bit of the end of "Times Talks" with Sofia Coppola and Steven (?) Dorff, Ken's hunk, who I don't care for, and the INTERVIEWER is just AWFUL. Bed at 1:25AM.

MONDAY, 1/10/11: NO pee until up at 8:40AM, wonderful. Look at my Schwab One account to find the money hasn't been transferred yet, so I call Schwab at 9AM and he checks to see that it's IN, and should be up TODAY, but when I check at 7:30PM it's not done YET! Maybe TOMORROW morning? Leave word with John Gruen to call back. 9:25AM: Still "on the edge" productivity-wise. Left word with Ken at home that a trip to France after 5/24's Tuesday Evening dinner would be perfect for me, with operas in April and John's being in Syria through April. Phoned Schwab to verify they DID get my Keogh-to-IRA forms for $6000, will process them some time today, and TODAY I can transfer IRA-Schwab One for my checks to quarterly estimated ($4000) and Mildred ($2000), and note that I have lots of cash in my IRA even now for future transfers for bills. Debating getting Most Traveled People (MTP) up to 350 TODAY, or letting it wait. Seems possible with China taking my destinations from the 310s to the 320s, and India increasing to the 330s, so places like Italy, Russia, Argentina, and Brazil should take me to my desired 350s. But GOT to start REALLY WORKING on catching up on clearing my desk and finishing my 2010 journal! This goes to 9:30AM, now ready for breakfast. Talk to Mildred, who's giggling, to 10AM. Have breakfast watching TV and talk to Marj 11:10-11:35AM. John Gruen calls back, but I'm going to Alto the date of the next ASI lunch. Get back to MTP, determined to get up to 350 trips, and go through Italy, Argentina, and Brazil with maps and slow-sometimes-exiting website, and end with 352 destinations at #129 at 1:25PM. Distribute new pills to 1:47, finally taking morning pills, and get back to unsolved diagramless puzzle from Saturday and find the clue from "Painter of Light" from Google and finish it by 4:07. Get mail to 4:20, then lunch to 5:15 with the rest of Piers Morgan to 5:55, dark out already. Find the OLD TV-channel list which had slipped down beside the chair cushion, so Paul did NOT inadvertently take it. Look through mail, check e-mails, then, of course, to Spider 6:15-6:38PM to 51.3781 to 632 up at 2 wins, slow up. Catch up with today, at least, finding that "Osama" is on Netflix play, and Ken commands that I find if Crissier has three-stars still---which I'd do on Google NOW, that I've done this much by 7:40PM. It's there, with a 9-course dinner for $325.55 converted by Google from 315 CHF, which with $48 tip would make it $373, my fifth most-expensive restaurant meal. At 7:56PM go back to Spider, damn me. Play to 9:06PM to 51.37986 at 633 up after 3 wins. Back to journals. Meticulously re-check entering all the Spider sessions to 9:46PM. Then return to where I left off filling in data on page 57. Continue to 10:50PM, when I start hungering for dinner. Watch Piers Morgan in Monaco while I have dinner until midnight, and get back to journal notes at 12:01AM. Get rid of MOST of them, but still catching up on page 57 (and this is now page 65!) to do as I finish wearily at 1:18AM. Bed at 1:50AM.

TUESDAY, 1/11/11: Note ANOTHER all-one date. 8:14 note DREAMS:1/11/11. I then shit and get back into bed, and FIGHT to do a 20-minute Actualism session: this might be an area of contention: is it working, or is it even worthwhile to continue trying to use it. Get an e-mail from Bernice this morning as a coincidence. Up at 9:20, needing to be content with 7.5 hours in bed. Dress to 9:26, check that Schwab has STILL not transferred funds from Keogh to IRA, but I transfer $6030 from CURRENT IRA balance into Schwab One for checks, taking out a 10% IRS tax from $6700. Then check five e-mail messages to 9:35 and have breakfast to 10AM, my "temporary" tooth falling out for the SECOND time while eating something quite soft, this time merely pancakes. Catch up with REORGCHR:1/3/11 and this by 10:15AM. Print pages 56 (redone) and 57 by 11:15AM, and have to get out to the gym, finishing at 12:35PM, just in time to get home to change for Marea, hoping not to be late. Incredibly, as it did for the last Met Museum visit, the Clark Street train is waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me to leap on, and the transfer at 42nd Street takes place instantly across the platform also. Get to Marea at 1:15 and sit at a wonderful corner table with a view across the restaurant and out onto Central Park South, with Central Park West stretching north in my vision. Mildred arrives at 1:28, saying that the maitre d' said that "the distinguished gentleman with the beard" has already been seated, and she rolled her eyes with disbelief. "He's not really distinguished," she said she told him, at which HE rolled his eyes and showed her to the table. Charles arrives at 1:35. Mildred is being totally bitchy, insisting on ordering the steak because I'm having the steak, and Charles won't be pushed off the crab because I'm having the crab. The crab isn't that great, nor is the prosciutto that tasty, but the fig is good. Mildred and Charles have $11 glasses of Prosecco. Charles's pasta with octopus, which he bizarrely said he thought would be like paella, is pretty bad: oversalted and disgusting to his taste. He orders a dessert and coffee, and I pay only for my $42 fixed-price meal but take Charles's $88 and pay for his, too, profiting $1.70, which is about what my "extra" on my card is when Mildred insists HER card show HER amount and mine has "the rest." We leave, satisfied, about 3:30, and Charles and I walk past 15 Central Park West to see that the elegant building has only OFFICES on the ground floor, except for what appears to be a private entrance, behind what Charles insists must be $10,000 bronze doors, at 2 West 61st St. Home to get New York Magazine in the mail, and check that my Schwab transfer STILL isn't done before leaving at 6:10PM for Sudan at the Tuesday Evening Club, stopping into Lots Less for candy when they don't have licorice, to get change for my $20 so I can drop $2 into the pot when I arrive just after 6:30. Again I have to put my tooth back after the candy dislodged it! The show is great, though Laurie Campbell, who's missing only eight countries, including Libya, is kind of shrill and repetitive in her presentation, I think enlivened by my questions which she said she liked. I don't think I'll suggest she go with me to make my Libya trip cheaper. Home to Spider 8-9:30PM, repeating the pattern of "slow up" to 51.38598 at 636 up after 4 wins. Then get back to filling up pages, printing page 58, and FINALLY make the list of possible prices that Paul paid for my meals, "only" three weeks after he's gone: 1) 12/17 Jack the Horse $30, 2) 12/20 Corton $178, 3) 12/21 Le Bernardin $68, 4) 12/22 Shopsin's brunch $30, 5) 12/22 Grimaldi's pizza $30, 6) 12/23 La Grenouille $60, 7) 12/24 Alto $60, 8) 12/24 Armando's $30, and 9) 12/25 Park Plaze brunch $14, to make the total $490, less than HALF the "Brooklyn Heights Bed and Breakfast" would have gotten from him had he paid the bill I presented him with for his tax or deductions or repayment: 8 nights @ $125/night = $1000! Look out the window to find it started snowing for the SECOND storm of the season: the first officially deposited 20 inches, the following week was a fizzle with 1.5 inches, but it started about 9PM and already, as I type this at 10:20PM, it looks like it's over an inch. It stops snowing and clears a bit about 11PM, so it might not continue, but as I print out the LAST of the THIRTEEN NK pages I printed out today, now at 11:42PM, it's started snowing again, Cadman Plaza is totally untrafficked, and cars on Henry Street look cold under their hoods of snow. Now for SOME dinner, anyway! Watch junk TV and get to bed at 12:43AM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/12/11: 5:15AM: Type DREAMS:1/12/11. Then at 5:40-6:28AM have the AWFUL time described in COMPCHRO:1/12/11, trying to update my response to Dan Vallish in Boston about the snowstorm. Pee and back to bed. 6:35AM: During my starting of Actualism I come to a wonderful realization: our LIVES are the UNIVERSE'S glass-bead games! 6:37AM: THIS is MY---ACTUAL---PHYSICAL---ENLIGHTENMENT! 6:40AM: The universe IS the "Being [the BEINGNESS] of Light"! Up at 9:27AM, tired. Pee again, and up and dressed and breakfasted (on blueberry crepes) and brushed-teeth by 10:20AM when I get out in completely shoveled sidewalks from the snow that may have been as much as eight inches in much of the city: will have to check the "accumulated" figure above 21.5 inches in Saturday's Times. Get to DiMatteo and have to wait until 10:45 when she's finished with her previous patient. She picks around at my root-canal channel where the crown fell out and verifies that the material is still healthy before she glues it back, lets it dry, and then takes an impression for my bridge, which she says may be ready in as little as four weeks from now, to my great chewing/eating relief. She notices that my right eye is severely bloodshot, and when I get a mirror, I'm worried enough that I say I'll go to Grand Opticians and hope they have a doctor available to look at it after I leave here. Out at 11:35 to find the doctor in, and he, in a VERY friendly way, says that subconjunctival hemorrage, a broken capillary below the clear conjuctiva of the eyeball, is quite common in the cold weather: apply warm compresses; it'll go away within a week. Back at 11:50 to order HH meals for next week, and check with Charles Schwab to find that they didn't transfer the money because it can't go as a rollover before I've taken out the year's RMD, but SHE can change it to a partial RMD if it goes directly into my Schwab One account; and I mildly berate Schwab for no one having TOLD me anything about this before. Tald to Marj 12:15-12:30PM, since she's still pressured and doesn't want to talk long. Then talk to Mildred 12:30-12:50, do Spider 12:50-3:45PM, TOO LONG, to 51.38701 at 637 up after 3 wins, again "slow up." Then I'm STARVED for lunch, so I have that watching "Come and See," which I got from Netflix when I went down to check the mail. What an AWFUL depiction of German atrocities in Byelorussia in 1943: TRUE MADNESS OF CRUELTY. Take time out to finally take the extra meals out of the lower drawer and apportion them to the coming days of the week, AND eat MANY TOO MANY of the tiny chocolate Reese's peanut butter Christmas trees, chocolate Hershey's santas, and not-that-great Peppermint Patties in the vague shape of snowflakes that I bought when they didn't have licorice at Lots Less after the slides on Tuesday. Watch my taped DVDs on Haiti and earthquakes from last night and coordinate lots of movies: Channel 13 redone early-morning Friday, "Megaquake 10.0" set up to record on DVD early Thursday morning, and then watch "Bob Le Flambeur," which seems familiar toward the end, but I'd never recorded that I'd seen it before. The candy's filled me up, so I just have popcorn, lots of cheese from HH meals, more candy, and an orange for "dinner" before going to bed at 1:02AM, then getting up to take the forgotten evening-meal pills and getting back to bed at 1:06AM.

THURSDAY, 1/13/10: 4:40AM: Type DREAMS:1/13/11. Since I'm at the computer, I check to find that the Schwab transfer HAS been done and I now have more than $12,000 in my checking account! But know that $2000 is already gone to Mildred, $4000 will go 1/17/11 to estimated taxes, another $2000 for my late-January Visa payment, $2500 for my bridge in February, and the rest of the $1500 for my late-February Visa payment. And then I'll need to take MORE out for taxes and $2000 Keogh deposit in April. WHEW! Call CVS to find that Chin has STILL not renewed my two prescriptions! Pee. Back to bed at 5:01AM. 8:15AM: Make Chin appointment and pee. 8:28AM: Call HIP back to tell them to have Chin renew my two prescriptions. Do nice long Actualism session and get up at 9:25AM. Dress and go down to return my Netflix film by 9:55AM. Have breakfast while watching the two-hour "Megaquake 10.0," then do my daily Spider "slow up" to a good 51.39112 at 639 up after 3 wins from 11:55AM-12:40PM. Talk frustratingly to Spartacus, who can't understand the difference between Mildred not READING that "Crudo" means raw fish, saying she doesn't want any, and then asking questions about ingredients in menu items that are LISTED under Crudo, from 1-1:30, and he finally says I can come over at 2:30 with his "Spiderman" Variety article and his DVDs that don't work AND my unwanted Peppermint Patties. I update more of the journal, almost completely clearing my desktop, and finally put my December calendar page away at 1:45PM. Finish this at 2:20PM and go to type COMPCHRO:1/12/11. Finish THAT at 2:28PM and leave for Spartacus's. There till 3 getting two new blank DVDs and "The Cape." Pick up laundry, then home to watch "Le Doulos," totally confusing caper with a sexy Jean-Paul Belmondo. Eat lots of candy, and I think THAT'S mainly what causes my odoriferous farts. Go through the mail, including that odious "child-screen" form, which I write "Shit" and "crap" all over, and then put headings on the Computer Chronicle pages and print them out, but have to finish THIS page before I can print it and get the others out of the printer. Now at 6:33PM I'm debating how long I can wait before going out to see the three Queens sitting at the foot of the Statue of Liberty (which all three are taller than) with their accompanying fireworks. Spartacus said it would be cold. Really? He's watching from Bob's apartment, slightly barer because his enormous avocado plant finally died, to be replaced by a tiny one that Spartacus gave to Bob. There's only one stack left on my coffee table to be processed, and I can hardly believe that I'll soon be able to do the things I want, like get a haircut, go back to the Met Museum, get back to REORGCHR, and back to the website. Still thinking about printing out a dream page for Sharon---hey, I can do THAT to take out the page for Computer Chronicle! Get out at 6:50PM and hear some booms, but not the fireworks. Get to Promenade at 7PM to see Queen Mary 2 sitting. Fireworks start at 7:04 as the Queen Victoria follows QM2 out of the Hudson. Toward the end of the fireworks at 7:21 the Queen Elizabeth (no 2) appears, and most people leave, and I walk down Willow on the way home. Clear off the coffee table into 18 piles, deciding to join MAN for one more year, and phone CVS to see that my prescriptions STILL aren't ready. Type this at 9:38PM, temperature lowest for the year at 18, and print this page so that I have the dream page ready for Sharon tomorrow. Can't resist Spider once again. Play from 9:40-11PM, long, ending at 51.39499 at 641 up after 5 wins. Watch two episodes of "The Cape," not really taken by it, eating dinner, and get to bed at 1:30AM.

FRIDAY, 1/14/11: 6:41AM: Pee and note DREAMS:1/14/11 then and at 9:38AM. Up at 9:46AM to shit. Start my did-list at 10:08AM. Clip toenails---EXHAUSTED to 10:20. Lie down and ideate "do-lists can be FUN" to 10:41. Note "Out of DARKEST depths rise BRIGHTEST resolves" to 10:46. Breakfast to 11:14. Talk to Marj, opening with my previous note, which impresses her, to 11:36. Then call Shelley and talk 10 12:01PM. Recorded Spider from 12:13-12:25, probably PM, before talking to Mildred, screaming that the details of my AARP annuity couldn't possibly be real, to 1:02PM. Try to fix the blinking green light on my monitor to 1:20. See COMPCHRO:1/14/11. Talk to Dell to 3:02PM! Talk again to Marj to 3:15. Talk to Spartacus to 3:45, and he does NOT have a spare monitor, though he was willing to loan me his, and suggests I try hooking up my LAPTOP to my desktop to use ITS monitor. Talk to Mildred to 3:56. Lunch to 4:43. See Sharon 5-5:45. Back home at 6:20. Try wiring from laptop to desktop to 7PM, but it doesn't work. My next note on the did-list is a cryptic, unreadable word starting with "S": Sxxxxxx to 1AM! But then decide it must be SOUVENIRS, since I couldn't use my computer, and I was aware my souvenir storage on the shelf to the right of my desk was quite overflowing, so I piled everything into my white wastebasket and took it into the living room to play WQXR to help pass the time, and divided the souvenirs into piles of opera, plays, movies, dance, art, events, and Met Museum newsletters, along with ticket stubs and metal objects like Met Museum entry-badges and Fred's Mardi-Gras-type necklace from his party last Friday. Finish in time to watch the repeat program on The Doors to 2:42AM, getting to bed at 2:53AM.

SHARON B. 162 1/14/11

Astounded to check on 1/21 to find I haven't done this---but then my monitor was broken, so I couldn't. Got there at 5PM and offered the dream page, but said that my MAIN concern at the moment was that my monitor is broken, and I can't use my computer for anything. Looked at the dreams and singled out the "dropping the Atlas into the depths" as the most mysterious component. Then later made some now-unremembered connection to the "depths" word, saying I hadn't realized the connection before this moment. Maybe I'll remember more later, but I want to transcribe the NEXT session. [1/23/11: Find that I wrote the session on my Neo: here it is, for comparison.] She calls me in just before 5PM, and I present my dream page, saying it really doesn't contain anything of interest, though I read the bit about "throwing my Atlas into deeper water," as if I were "getting rid of it" or "throwing it away." When she asks something about "depth," I'm reminded of my "adage" to Marj on Friday: "Out of the darkest depths rise BRIGHTEST resolves," and the emphasis on the RE-solving of problems that I'd solved before, but need to constantly RE-solve them because I FORGET the benefits of the previous "solutions." Which reminds me to say that we hardly EVER talk "the next time" about things she mentions at the end of previous session that "we might start with next time." She says that she doesn't want to LEAD the session, which reminds me to mention that SHE says something about the "value of my first sentence when I enter the session," which reminds ME of the New Yorker article about analysis via Skype in China where the analyst is denied "the way the patient walks into the room" which is a valuable signal to the therapist, which Sharon laughingly admits to. Tell her, it seems for the first time, about Ken's and my plans for "my next trip at last," to France for eating the end of May and start of June, and even my amazement that Paul offered the possibility of our staying at HIS place, or at least of his finding a well-located inexpensive hotel for us, but reminding her that he's so closeted that I don't even have his PHONE number, not at home where his wife might answer, or even his cell phone when his wife might be present when he gets a call from me and asks who I am. Sharon hadn't registered that he was so closeted. But I give her the data that he's still pleased with his trip here, and could be even more pleased in my opinion since, when I added probable costs of my meals, it turned out to be possibly less than HALF what I "charged" him for staying in the Brooklyn Heights Bed and Breakfast. When she, for the dozenth time, mentions my desire for control---now in the context that I'd "finished" getting all the data into the computer just WHEN the monitor breaks, another "punishment" for getting things done, another thing happening "out of my control," which sends me IMMEDIATELY back to my hands on the controls of my Japanese plane when I crashed it into the ocean and drowned, giving me my fear of flying which was "cursed" (GOT to leave THAT type) (and THAT type/typo) which was CURED by my past-life regression for the "reason" for my fear. I could "feel" my hands on the steering wheel (do planes have steering wheels?) as I mistakenly CONTROLLED it into the water. And somehow the connection that if I'm not in CONTROL, I'm PUNISHED by something bad happening. At the end, to get to it now, I ask "Whatever happened to 'Let's talk about this next time,'?" and she said she'd have to look back and see what it was, since she'd forgotten, and she didn't want to control the sessions, but I said, of course, that if I didn't want to talk about it I could steer the session elsewhere, to which I said "And maybe it's something that's 'getting too close' to something IMPORTANT that I'm shying away from." She agreed that might be possible. Talked about my annoyance with having to have an APPOINTMENT with Chin to talk about my blood results (though I was pleased to pick up ALL THREE prescriptions at CVS, so at least I can take the prescription sheet off my "do stack," which I ALSO described to her with the observation that, when I LOOKED at the "terrible burdens" I had lined up to "suffer through" before I was caught up, they were mostly PLEASANT things to DO: watch movies, go to museums, check websites, or at least things to BE PLEASED WHILE DOING AND EVEN MORE PLEASED TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED: balancing checkbooks, transcribing 2010 calendar, checking website. Looking at it as a wonderful BUFFET OF TREATS to choose from when I wanted a GOOD THING TO DO, rather than a DO-LIST of onerous TASKS to GET THROUG before I could "be happy." Emphasizing again the goodness of switching from do-lists to did-lists. Remarked, earlier, about the "echo" of "darkest depths" which came AFTER my "Atlas deeper" dream. Back to Mildred: she said that friends COULD scream at each other, almost as a PROOF of their friendship, which was better than my bottling up my feelings and feeling "having chunks cut from me" by NOT being able to scream back when someone screamed at me---I was becoming better! Back to annoyance with difficulties of getting prescriptions from Chin, or bloodwork results from HIP, not liking their rules, but I wouldn't DREAM of changing, since I'd have to find a NEW health plan, and---smiling---I'd also lose YOU, I said to Sharon, who smiled and thanked me. Something else, I forget for the moment, led us to smile our contentment with the relationship between us. Good session, going quickly, though I skipped from topic to topic, which she seems to appreciate and enjoy and benefit from, rather than my trying to make it, somehow, "more productive" by talking about what SHE might direct the session toward, rather than what I keep diverging into. Leave a few minutes after 5:45, forgetting to ask that next session be changed because I'm giving the program next Wednesday.

SATURDAY, 1/15/11: 7:55AM: Note DREAMS:1/15/11. Noted yesterday that I was down to 18 piles of things to do on my coffee table. [Transcribed this on my Neo, but in connecting it, I somehow erased the first part---I don't even know how much. Look at what I have left, and have NO IDEA how to start it, so I'll just leave it at the remaining fragment:] interest, and I'd be "better off" if I'm dying BEFORE that, to take the money out of my Keogh DIRECTLY and leaving the rest "of the still-my" $100,000 to earn whatever interest I can get from thinking, changing, investing, worrying about it. I agree with her. But if I live BEYOND that, I start to profit. She mentions that she's convinced she's going to die in her 80s, while, though I'm not as convinced as I was throughout my younger life that I was going to live to 105, I'm still convinced that I'm going to live longer than my cohorts' expectations because of the INVESTMENTS I've put into my longevity---1) constant going to the gym, though of decreasing frequency, 2) changing to HH meals, for the most part, anyway, though I still enjoy ribs and restaurant meals that don't have as much cauliflower, broccoli, kale, squash, and zucchini, and 3) as Mildred put it, value my life span more than I value my drinking alcohol, though I DO mention if I ever get TIRED of life, I'll cheerfully drink myself to death. She we finally, in a sense, agree that the annuity would be a good thing to do, provided that the plans and contracts live up to the implied benefits in the letter I got and read to her. I took the opportunity to say that, THOUGH she considers me stupid in matters financial, I DO TALK TO HER, which she has to admit is NOT stupid. Then she remarks that she considers Spartacus stupider in all things, and that maybe Steve might be more intelligent financially, but I say that my relationship with him is not on the level with my relationship with her, which brings me to the point that Sharon made last night: it's a measure of Mildred's and my FRIENDSHIP that we can scream at each other, and Mildred agrees with THAT: she screams at her family and friends, but not with people she has no concern about. So we end up on good terms when we hang up about 10:18, and I mentioned that I got something from Ford, which I thought had gone under, losing me money, but she says they'd always SUCCEEDED, and is willing to look at what I have to look at to make whatever decision I have to make by February 11. Decided early on to use my Neo as a substitute for WP51 while my monitor is being replaced. Now I'll go to my dreams in file 8. Do that, and now at 10:33 I'll dress, see what comes out of my penis when I urinate, and start into my day. Absolutely NO sign of semen or pre-cum in my glassful of pee. Also, back with Mildred, I said that THIS confidence in having money "after I exhaust my personal savings" is EXACTLY what I was trying to protect against when I wanted that large lump-sum of cash from HER so that I wouldn't HAVE to dip into my savings as deeply: I wouldn't have to "throw myself on my sister" well into my 90s when I had no savings left, and she agreed that, with this annuity, my savings would, effectively, NEVER end. Also, to address Spartacus's argument that they couldn't POSSIBLY be MAKING anything like 7.6% in any currently available investments available even to BANKS, they "couldn't be serious" in their offer, and it was only a Ponzi scheme. Well, even if it WAS, I'm getting in AHEAD of the baby boomers who'll be seduced into getting this by throwing THEIR $100,000s at the company, which will use THIS income to pay off their early "suckers," and only after 20-30 years, when their $100,000s dwindle and their payments increase and they go bankrupt, I'll BY THAT TIME have gotten my money back and MORE. AND I won't have to constantly worry and "effort" about HOW to maintain any of my PRIVATE savings to earn anything NEAR 7.6%. 10:47AM: Dress and get into the day, starting another did-list---which reminds me that I wanted to start file 2 on Sharon's session last night, before I forget it! Maybe I never actually started the did-list, or lost it, but the only data I have on the rest of the day is on my calendar, which records that I watched "Valentine's Day," which I'd seen the end of earlier in the week, and was intrigued to watch the whole thing from the beginning, continuing through the end to tie up the stories that I now knew, impressed that Marc (?) Dane and Bradley Cooper consented to play gay lovers. Also went to the gym today, the first time in FOUR days, giving myself permission to feel OK about that. Then watched "Commissar" from Netflix, another odd "four bones" choice that seemed recommended for its UNUSUALNESS of setting or plot, rather than its actual "goodness" as a film. Got to bed at 1:50AM.

SUNDAY, 1/16/11: 6:45AM: Finish typing DREAMS:1/16/11, peeing, and lotioning my feet. Up at 9:15AM and type another dream into my Neo. Charles calls after 9:30AM to say he won't join me for the 11AM Italian Renaissance Paintings tour, but will meet me at the usual spot at 1PM. Breakfast to 9:55. Leave for the Met Museum at 10:07, getting there at 11:08 in time to join the tour in front of the first painting discussed. She's not bad, but someone corrects her on the names of Mary's mother and John the Baptist's mother. The crowd is big, so I more often look at adjacent paintings rather than the one she's discussing. We talk afterwards about the use of flutes as phallic replacements. That goes to noon, when I go to Rohlf's furniture to 12:55PM, meet Charles about 1:10, glad for the opportunity to sit and rest my sore back, and go to the Miro 1:20-2PM, appreciating Charles's comments about the Dutch originals and Miro's "influenced" copies. Then to lunch from 2:05-2:50 at a side table away from the screaming kids, but because he's sitting next to me, I get a FIERCE pain in my neck from looking to the side, apologize, and speak straight on to relieve the pain. Up to Katrin Icelandicname's two "pieces" 2:53-3:03, a mirrored sitting room that reflects everything but the viewer into infinity, and a gatefold progression of windows and mirrors that's rather fun. Charles doesn't like them. Across the entire museum to the Tibetan rugs 3:23-4, when we're both exhausted enough to leave. I wait for many busses to pass again, noting that this is my fourth visit to the Met since 12/23/10. Home at 5PM, watch a rebroadcast of the Critics' Choice Awards for 2010 to 6:50, go to Spartacus's 6:55-7:20, watch the Golden Globes Awards and news afterward to 11:20, and get to bed, tired, at 12:10AM.

MONDAY, 1/17/11: Pee and type DREAMS:1/17/11 at 6:15AM, and sleep through to 10:03AM. Start a detailed, but obviously incomplete, did-list. Talk to Spartacus 11:45-12:08, clear FAR mirror-wall to 12:50PM in preparation for people here after Wednesday's show at 55 Pierrepont, but get that awful postural hypotension fatigue and dizziness and lie down to 1:13. Talk to Spartacus again to 1:25. Sew electric-blanket strip to 2PM. Clear United/Dell drawer to 2:25. Work on HSBC balance to 2:40, thinking I've got to get to the bank tomorrow because I've gone past my available funds. Lunch to 4PM with "Oasis Earth," politicized images seeming to prove to enemies that we can see into THEIR territory, while showing none of OUR territory on the screen. Check HSBC more to 5PM. Talk to Ken about the trip to 5:25. France-map look to 5:40. Schwab Visa check to 5:55. Newspapers and magazines out, and "clear out souvenirs to 7:57," which implies I did this on MONDDAY rather than SATURDAY. A conundrum which will remain unsolved! Then I recorded NOTHING on the did-list, and NOTHING on my calendar, so I probably watched TV with "whatever" didn't seem important enough to note. Bed at 11:55PM.

TUESDAY, 1/18/11: Pee at 3:12AM and 6:10. Take valium so I won't worry about tomorrow's presentation. Pee at 7:30 and 8:13, probably a sign that my system is reacting strangely. Recall early this morning that I didn't record my 12/27/10 HSBC Social Security deposit, so I'm NOT overdrawn. Start a did-list. Write checks for taxes and my Schwab Visa by 8:50AM. Breakfast to 9:20. Clean living room and kitchen and hall to 10:50. Slide-look (whatever THAT means) and call Carolyn, John, Bill, and Cathy (Christina's replacement at the St. Charles Center), who says that the next available Wednesday at 1:15PM is March 23. Order and file HH Meal menus to 12:30PM. Get an early HH delivery and have a lunch from it at 1:15. File all the Sharon billings by 2:10. Tear prescription slips apart by 2:50, and go to the gym. Back to get a call that my delivery has arrived, and the box doesn't say Dell but Planar. Very few parts; I put it together and it WORKS. Just to make sure it works, I play a bit of Solitaire first and then a bit of Taipei. Play about half an hour of Spider which is so horrible I don't even record times or scores. Look at the clock at 6:25 and think of the USUAL pattern of being in her office at X:45, and figure I have 20 minutes left, but I might as well get started. When I look at my watch saying 6:27, it kicks in that my appointment is at 6:30, not 6:45, so I dash down and get there at 6:35, making my excuses. Again have no memory of how I spend the evening, though much of the day was spent cleaning and VACUUMING the apartment, and I watched the beginning of "Senseless," but I only record that I get to bed at 11:50PM. At 12:03AM I take an ambien and put soothing lotion on my dry and flaking feet.

SHARON B. 163 1/18/11

Rushed in panting from my almost-run to get there five minutes late, excusing myself by saying that I looked at the clock at 6:25PM and figured I had twenty minutes until my meeting, being so totally accustomed to the 4:45PM time; it was only when I put on my wristwatch and looked at 6:27PM that I realized with a jolt that my session was scheduled for 6:30 today because of the slide-show tomorrow. She said that was understandable. I complained that the last few days have been filled with manifestations of new PHYSICAL reductions: 1) tired after looking at Met Museum exhibits from 11-1PM on Sunday, 2) sore back from walking during that time, relieved by sitting at lunch with Charles, which then resulted in 3) a sore NECK from turning my head to talk to Charles, seated at my right, described before by Chin as being a result of arthritis causing my spine to pinch the nerves when I turn my head like that; and then 4) the feeling at the gym that the upper-body exercises are becoming harder and harder to do. I didn't HATE myself for feeling these diminishments of energy, but I wasn't pleased to experience them. Described having to lie down after washing the mirrors by bending and moving and standing, not liking THAT result either. Then got into the area of feeling "after making mistakes" in childhood, but I had to confess I hardly EVER made mistakes---the only ones that prey on my mind are the times I said "No" in sexual situations in which I should have said "Yes!" Went into my mother's meanness to me, but her praise of me in front of other people. Noted that my father NEVER raised his voice in anger to me. Got Sharon's approval again for my forcibly holding my mother's arm from hitting me when I was too old for that, and demanding that she change her tune or I'd never see her again when I visited her after my LSD treatments. Remarked that I was always interested in pleasing the nuns in schools. I repeated a few things, not really remembering that I'd literally seen her on Friday, only four days ago, so that not much happened between, which gave us the time to dwell on my past more than we usually do. She said she'd be coming to the show---even saying that she'd planned on NOT coming in on Wednesday, but wanted to see my show so she was coming in [though I don't remember actually SEEING her in the room]. Mentioned Doug's getting back in touch with me, though I couldn't actually remember which of the two "newbies" he was. She quickly dismissed me at 7:15PM, as I guess I was her last of the day and she was ready to go home after we established that we'd meet again at our regular Wednesday time next week.

WEDNESDAY, 1/19/11: Up at 6:57AM. Have breakfast and get out 8:05-9:05AM for MEDICAL:1/19/11, my echocardiogram in Dr. Sai's office. Back for more preparations for the presentation, and Spartacus calls saying that "The Divine Sister" with Charles Busch is available on Audience Extras, so I get a ticket for that. Play about half an hour of Spider which is so horrible I don't even record times or scores. Everything is ready by the time Susie shows up just before noon, with her lunch, and I have a bowl of soup with her, and we leave for 55 Pierrepont at 12:45PM. Introduce myself to Cathy, who takes down that I'll be showing Japan at my March show. Set up the computer and for some reason it just won't WORK. Keep poking at Odyssey, which keeps saying "Not responding." I don't know what to do, but as Fred lays three wilting lavender tulips on my desk, it begins the slide show. I pause it about 1:20, give a short introduction, and start the program, which gets a surprising number of questions and comments from many people new to the group. At 2:15 Cathy leans over my shoulder to say, "I don't know if you know this, but there's a yoga meeting scheduled for this space at 2:30!" "No," I say, "I didn't know that!" "Well, I'll let you have 15 minutes in addition. So I start going faster, which John says he liked, and finish on the dot of 2:45, longer than usual, and the class starts while I'm packing my things up. Steve has another engagement this afternoon, and, blessedly, Diane says she liked the show and leaves without questioning what the rest of us will be doing for the afternoon. Carolyn leaves us at the corner of Henry and Pierrepont for HER meeting, leaving only Susie and John and me to return to my place, where I have half a bottle of Susie's Fre Merlot, John finishes the cashew wine and one of the Scandinavian liquors, and we talk about where we want to have dinner and settle on John's suggestion of the new Thai place, called The Lantern, on Montague. Susie settles for a mediocre pad thai and John for green curry, but my Nightingale nest of chicken and shrimp and a luscious sauce in a stiff rice-noodle nest that absorbs the sauce to soften into a delicious mouthful is quite wonderful, and so copious that I put almost half of it into the refrigerator to have the next evening for a light dinner. Then out to a funny and VERY complicated "The Divine Sister," with Charles Busch and the only other man playing one role, but the other four women play multiple VERY different parts, and it's very satisfying, even to her final curtain speech when she compliments all of us for coming and asking for our sympathy for the casts' feelings on the night of the snow when there were more people onstage than in the audience. Home at do whatever I do until getting to bed at 11:50PM.

THURSDAY, 1/20/11: 6:50AM: Woke earlier to feel slighty---what?---hung over, as if the half-bottle of non-alcoholic wine I drank yesterday afternoon had contained more alcohol than it declared on its label: could I look it up on the Internet to find it's TRUE alcohol content, and I should e-mail Susie to NOT get me such bottles in the future? And then the two dreams, particularly the latter, concerning some kind of graduate-school degree-work, see DREAMS:1/20/11, were so odd that I reinforced my thought that there might be too much alcohol in this "distilled drink" for a total teetotaler. Type this to 6:55AM just to get it off my mind before going back to bed and trying to sleep before starting this day without any set duties established yet. Then at 8:03AM I feel rather horny, so I get up to again fail to get Porn #1 to play, but am satisfied with Porn #2 and cum without exudate by 8:40, though it does feel good! Watch the end of "Senseless," either yesterday or today isn't clear, with breakfast, and watch "Osama" on on-line Netflix, not a very beautiful film about an Arab girl in Kabul masquerading as a boy in order to work to keep his mother and sisters in food, though she's finally found out and forced to marry some randy old mullah. Talk to Marj 11:03-12:07, and shave at 12:35 in preparation for my haircut tomorrow. Absurd Spider session 12:55-4:45PM, finally DEMANDING that I keep score, a miserable 51.37742 at 634 up after 2 wins. Then watch "S21: Khmer Rouge Killing Machine" on a DVD from Netflix, again not the most satisfying movie experience in the world, mostly grim-faced talking heads, with not even the worst enemy taking any responsibility for their tortures and killings, only saying that they were ordered to do it. As I skim through TV trying to find something to watch, I stumble on the end of a "30 Rock" episode which proclaims that you can watch full episodes on, so I go to it and find that I can watch episode 506, "Gentleman's Intermission," which aired 11/4/10, and is only available until 1/21/11, so tonight's my last chance. Wonderful to see that there seems to be no through story-line to follow. Keep watching, 507: "Brooklyn Without Limits," 508: "College," 509: Chain Reaction of Mental Something-or-Other, and 510: "Christmas," the last one available. Will have to check back, but THEN find out that Spartacus tapes ALL of them, so I can rely on HIM to get them, though unfortunately they turn out to include ads, for which Netflix has the advantage if I accept waiting a year for availability. Bed at 1:10AM.

FRIDAY, 1/21/11: Noted DREAMS:1/21/11 at 5:43AM, when I tried to shit but couldn't, maybe stuffed from all the peanuts eaten yesterday. Noted dream at 9:06AM and did manage a shit. Breakfast and then a monitor/e-mail hassle until 10:30, when it looks as if I won't be able to use WP5.1 because the monitor can't be adjusted. Play Solitaire to 10:48 and decide to get out "late" at 11:15AM for a haircut, but I lucked out because they didn't open until 11AM today because of the snow. Home at 12:10 and talk to Marj 12:18-12:55. Long but good Spider session 12:55-2:30PM to 51.38327 at 637 up after 6 wins, noting "slow up, 15 to go to equal top number of "up." Phone about my HIP prescription "coverage gap" and finally get them to say I'll be receiving my $250 check in four months, resolved at 2:55PM. Watch "Dangerous Living," a sad testimony by beautiful gay faces about how difficult it is to enjoy being gay under repressive foreign regimes. Another GOOD Spider session 6:05-6:45PM to 51.38738 at 639 up after 3 wins, noting "slow up, 13 to go," and am so inspired by my "skills" at this time that I continue to 7, thinking to stop with a small advance, but continue to 9:30PM to 51.40401 at 647 up after 9 wins, noting "FAST up, 5 to go." Then watch "Scarface" while having dinner. Irresistably back to Spider 11:30PM-1:35AM to 51.41654 to 653 up, the highest since 1/5/11, after 7 wins, noting "now for SCORE." Get to bed at 1:55AM.

SATURDAY, 1/22/11: Pee at 6:48AM and type DREAMS:1/22/11. Bring in Times and pee again at 7:10. Write a cryptic note that seems to read "Add WALLET." No idea what that means. At 8:55 I add another dream note, and at 9:01AM Marj gets me out of BED to talk about my problems with WP5.1 and my monitor. Read the Times and do the puzzles and have breakfast late, a large HH meal which will hold me until the MAN dinner at 6PM. Spider 1:10-2:25PM, BAD. Out to the gym about 2:30 and back before 4, in time to get out to MAN by 4:45, going in the wrong door because I read the directions wrong, and Paddles is a real sleazy bar, with mostly straight S-M scenes on the walls. Steve's not there, and I really don't see anyone to talk to. Have Sprite and take lots of asparagus, tomatoes, carrots, and red peppers with the tasty sauce, and then fill up with protein at dinner with chicken, beef, meatballs, cheesy pasta, and olives. Only one passing man says to me, "Don't be afraid to mingle; don't be shy," and I retort, untruthfully, "No problem." Have about four glasses of Sprite, and decide to leave at 6:45, having been there for just about two hours, and someone else wonders "Why are you leaving so early; the fun's just beginning." Sure. Felt almost chilled with the cold waiting for the subway. Home to look through the mail, Scientific American coming early this month, do Spider 7:25-8PM, stopping for "The Green Zone" with Matt Damon as a frustrated soldier battling nefarious Greg Kinnear defending the non-existent weapons of mass destruction. As Spartacus said, I too had trouble telling who was who in the killing last half-hour of the film. Started watching "Last Days on Earth," which I'd seen before in 2008, but decide to tape it to watch tomorrow. Spider resumed 10:10-10:55PM, GOOD, to 51.42212 at 656 up after 3 wins, then continue to 11:50PM, MAD!, to 51.42398 at 657 up after 2 wins, noting "up and up." Also, ASTOUNDED by my need to pee AT LEAST SEVEN OR EIGHT TIMES in those last two hours: full pees, succeeded by great pressures to pee again. Worry that I might be getting a cold, so I take two aspirin before getting to bed at 12:15AM. Pee again at 12:58AM and 1:11AM.

SUNDAY, 1/23/11: Continue peeing at 2:07AM, 5:24AM, and up at 8:43. Shit to 9:05 for the start of my 22-item did-list. 9:07 type DREAMS:1/23/11. Spider 9:20-10:25AM, noting "NOT GOOD ENOUGH," to 51.42361 at 657 up after 7 wins, clearly lots of losses between, noting "SHIT!" And then continue to 12:35PM, noting "AT LAST HIGHEST," at 51.43822, surpassing at last my 12/13/10 highest percent of 51.43651, at 664 up after 8 wins, noting "FABULOUS!" At least that kept me away from Spider for the rest of that day [and continuing now that I enter this journal entry at 1:15PM on Monday, 1/24]. Put a note on the door of 20H, telling them to keep their yappy dog away from the door. Hear the kid come in later and hope it's the WIFE who gets the note, rather than the husband, who clearly HATES me. Have breakfast and go through the Sunday Times, noting the correspondence between the ex-CIA agent with his own anti-terrorism group and the plump guy playing opposite Matt Damon in "The Green Zone." Transfer files from the Neo to 2:15, sending them to Word, which converts DH and NK to WORD format, and I didn't have the good sense to make a DIFFERENT copy of the CONVERTED file, but allowed it to cover the WP51 file. At 2:20 I leave word with Spartacus about my annuity percent, up to 8% in Saturday's mail; the "Green Zone" correspondence in today's Times; questioning whether I should obey Ken and phone Paul tomorrow---but not on his HOME phone, which was the number Ken got as his BUSINESS phone---on his mobile phone; and whether he's found his 30 Rock DVD. Then talk to Mildred about the 8%, agreeing to meet early at 1PM at Alto on Tuesday, find and display the shattered glass I'd kept in a tray for probably over a year since I broke it, and actually read the annuity materials until 2:55. Find, on re-reading the monitor manual, that I can click the bottom buttons and DO manage to adjust the image on the monitor to FIT WP5.1, but find that the Word NK and DH can't be read by WP5.1, and Word can't convert it back to any WP5.1 file, so I settle on TXT files to 3:35. But that strips out the formatting codes, so I have to put them back, but still the last pages are off by three or four lines for some unknown reason. Save the TXT files WITHOUT the tag, so that I don't have to enter NK.TXT each time, just 1/3 that: NK. Talk to Marj about my triumph to 4PM. Then look up "wet willy" on Google and again talk to Marj to 4:30. Finish tooth whitening #5 at 4:35. Put things into calendar, sort piles out, and find that I've reduced the 18 piles on 1/14/11 to 13 piles by 4:40. File a year-and-a-half of HIP files to 5:20. Dinner and TV of "Last Days of Earth" to 7:45. Taipei to 8. Watch the beautiful "Birds of the Gods" to 9. Sort note cards by date, transcribe MEDICAL, and find that the DH and NK files have left "(" when they couldn't convert and signs by 10:01. Then decide to find why the pages don't align, and find "self-define" with a non-breaking hyphen, which the "Using WordPerfect 5.1 Manual" says can be entered by hitting Home, then Hyphen, producing "-", as opposed to the "simple" hyphen-strike, which produces [-] which CAN be broken. Do a global search and replace, and VOILA, the two files are now EXACTLY equivalent. A TRIUMPH for PERSISTENCE and COMPULSIVITY! That takes until 10:30. Fuss with the ambiguous 1/14/11 dream note to 11PM, deciding it IS only a dream note, not really a reference to any filling falling out. Have dinner while watching "Election" on Netflix for the SECOND time in a month, having FORGOTTEN the (actually very brutal and surprising and---ha---memorable) ending. Decide to change last year's record (before typing it into posterity on the website) to "Election," since that was made in 2005, while "Triad Election" is the sequel made in 2006. Bed 1:23AM.

MONDAY, 1/24/11: It's 8 F at 1:33AM when I get up to check it. At 5:15AM I pee and it's 5 out. Pee again at 6:44 and it's still 5. Think of advertising for a Cadman Towers Stamp Club. Lie in bed and think of more things to do today: 1) call for tax forms, 2) memo to website, 3) note about "trip partnets" to MTP, 4) find which is Doug, and 5) tooth gel again. Also noted to check that I DID list the two "Five Stans" program for three people each that I showed here. Also noted DREAMS:1/24/11 at 9:15 and 10:18AM. All this while doing a super-fragmented Actualism session to 10:25AM. Get up to feel EXHAUSTED: maybe I slept TOO much last night? Then started my did-list for today: breakfast to 11:05AM. Talk to Marj to 11:53. Call Paul and leave word with Ken to 11:59. Talk to Spartacus to 12:34PM, which he noted. Test and recharge batteries to 12:43, finding at last that there's ONE rechargeable battery that just WON'T display as being charged, so I throw it out at 8:42PM. Finish transcribing all the Spider sessions to 1:18. Finish exhausting COMPCHRO at 1:37. Print 3 COMPCHRO pages with proper headings to 1:49. Talk to Spartacus about tomorrow's movie after Alto to 2:25. Catch up with and print 3 DH pages to 2:52. Then work on NK to Spartacus's phone call at 4:02 for me to come over and pick up his "30 Rock" DVD for me to watch during my lunch. Have lunch, watch two "30 Rock" episodes, look over the mail, squaring away the HSBC account to 6:35. Put another application of the tooth gel in at 6:40. Work on ENDLESS NK, taking the gel out at 7:45. Finally transcribe the last card by 8:45PM, having made another separate card about forming a Cadman Towers Stamp Club, and only ONE card on the four tasks still not done on Monday: 1) call for tax forms, 2) memo to website, 3) note "trip partners" to MTP, and 4) which is Doug? Throw away FOURTEEN note cards filled with data, including the fact that I printed out EIGHT NK pages today. Now I have FOURTEEN piles on the coffee table, not counting the GM papers which I now start looking at at 8:50PM, tired from a long productive day. Study GM papers, taking original documents to Mildred tomorrow, but getting no idea what to do next, to 9:40. Have dinner while watching "Big Bang Love, Juvenile A," which starts out promising with a tattooed dancer sexy, but then the two "gay" (though nothing happens) protagonists aren't that great to look at, and the action is random and not very satisfying. That goes to 11:30 and I'm in bed by 11:42PM.

TUESDAY, 1/25/11: 4:30AM type DREAMS:1/25/11 and pee. 5:07: list things to do: 1) check James Franco on Netflix, 2) check Chris Evans on Google, 3) start Actualism. 6AM make a four-point list to take to Chin today. 6:26 pee again and eat a yogurt to 6:41, an untimely hunger appeased. Go through to end of Actualism, which puts me to sleep for a MAJOR dream by 8:36, when I get up and type it to 8:52. Then do the things on my list, including finding that my January SS deposit hasn't been made yet, so I can't tell how much HIP has taken from it, though my usual $115 was NOT taken out this month yet. Also still confused by HH meals: it appears I'm GETTING another delivery on Friday, so I feel compelled to specify my delivery for NEXT Friday, so I don't get another default, as I somehow did THIS time. Now ready for breakfast at 9:50AM. Watch "30 Rock" episode 504 with breakfast, and make the AWFUL mistake of calling Marj at 10:53AM to say how beautiful the snow is. Then decide NOT to change for the restaurant and go see Chin, see MEDICAL:1/25/11. Back to phone Marj AGAIN about 1) CAN call for results, 2) CAN get keratosis removed, and she BLASTS me for not respecting her boundaries by calling at 10:53AM. She congratulates me for saying (many times) that I'm sorry. Type up the MEDICAL and finish this at 12:14PM, NOW ready to change for Alto at 1PM. Subways come perfectly fast and I get there at 12:55 and sit at the bar waiting for Mildred's arrival at 12:58PM. We find seats under the stairs and she looks over the AARP annuity listing and says that it actually looks OK. Then I show her my Keogh holdings, describe the breakdown of yields, and she surprises me by taking MY position: sell off the low yields, forget about FDIC insurance, and keep the high yields. GREAT! Our table is upstairs, to which we're shown even before 1:30, when Charles arrives looking gaunt. I swear the people at the side tables laugh at us as we sit regally at the center table in the center room upstairs; I choose the single seat because Mildred has trouble hearing Charles's whispery voice, so they sit together on their side, while I spread myself royally across from them, able to see everyone else looking at us, particularly went Mildred starts describing the expression on the doctor's face when she bore down on his finger stuck in her vagina to see how her muscles worked. Mildred makes a great deal out of how she wants BOTH entrees, and we're about half through our entree when they bring out an ENTIRE PORTION of the pasta which none of us ordered. How wonderful! I suggest we sit until 3:30, and they have no trouble doing it, sitting through two groups at each of the other tables, and we leave, still not last, in time for me to walk up to 59th and see Spartacus waiting for me---though the movie we'd intended to see, "Life Begins Tomorrow," which I saw at the Thalia ages ago, is being shown on February 1, whereas "Garde a Vue" goes on at 4PM, a twisty French murder mystery in which his wife, played by a slender Romy Schneider who I thought was an improbably thin Simone Signoret, thinks she offers the conclusive evidence that he murdered the two children, to which he confesses even though someone else did it, and when he returns to his car he finds that his wife has shot himself. Spartacus said that if I didn't care for the movie, he'd refund half my $5 admission. I paid for it willingly. Home to play Taipei 7:25-8:40PM, when I get tired of it and switch to Solitaire 8:40-9PM. Then watch Obama's State of the Union 2011 Address live, the audience greatly improved by Dem-Rep intermingling, with some of the ensuing commentary. Then watch episode 504 of "30 Rock," and the end of "Love and Death" with a nerdy Woody Allen before he got UGLY-nerdy. Bed 1:15AM.

FUGUE 2 1/26/11

Woke about an hour before I wanted to get up---an hour before I would have been in bed for the desired eight hours. Started Actualism with the impression that the levels and energies are weak and "tin-like," as were the tubes and instruments and facilities of the "pinball board" at the beginning of my first LSD experience. [Even now, I question my mixing of past tense and present tense, as above in "started" Actualism versus the energies "are" weak. But I type what I type.] But I tell myself that it doesn't MATTER if Actualism is "real" or not; I merely use it as a meditation technique. But then the "fact" that my THOUGHT is what controls (that word again) the way I hold, think about, MAKE REAL whatever theory, concept, thought I'm currently holding (and already we've entered [not to mention that I question my mixing of my use of "person," as in "I" versus "we"] the circularity of fugue---"the way I hold...I'm currently holding") takes over, and the FACT [as opposed to "fact," above] of my then holding Actualism in a DIFFERENT way seems to strengthen the effect of my stepping through the meditation, and the fugue deepens to another level: how so many things are currently WORKING: 1) my seeing my dentist tomorrow will be a significant step toward solving my problem of biting my tongue and making it sore; 2) my having seen Dr. Chin yesterday gave me my bloodwork results and told me I can merely TELEPHONE for my cardio results, rather than needing to make another appointment; 3) I hardly ever have to be concerned (not to say worried) about what to do next, currently, because I have started and not yet finished completing a) the website, b) my apartment reorganization, c) MTP, d) Facebook, e) movie-seeing, f) restaurant-going, g) getting-piles-off-my-coffee-table activities, h) game-playing with Spider, Taipei, and Solitaire, i) many other projects distracting to continue mentioning; 4) the view out the window of my wonderful apartment is glorious again with falling snow; 5) I'm typing the fugue 2 that I told myself I should type because of the impact of the fugue this morning. Other digressions occurred in my fugue. The next IMPORTANT component was (let's use the word) dreaming about getting to a point of being able to use medical marijuana to alleviate arthritis pain, enabling me to experience that "oooooh, something wonderful is about to happen" chemically, rather than merely mentally, as is happening (of course, more properly, WAS happening) now (that's not correctly used here). The parallel between a "touchless cum" and a "non-drug transcendence"---even enlightenment---emerges: as one (another change of voice) may EMOTIONALLY concentrate, and build and build and build, and have a touchless cum, I lie in bed and think of the possibility that by MENTALLY concentrating (via Actualism, or "mind-over-matter," which ineluctably led me to my story in which my MIND generated the most-basic particle of MATTER that tipped the universe from a condition of infinite expansion to a condition of collapse that would lead to another of an infinite series of Big Bangs) I could PRODUCE enlightenment---though at this moment, 9:53AM, of typing, it seems "clear" (loaded word) that enlightenment IS a result ONLY of mental activity---whatever "mental" may mean in that context, clearly including components of my (whatever that may mean) brain-matter, "soul" (equally "whatever that may mean"), the universe, I (whatever that may mean---TRULY one of the cruxi (?) [is there really a word "cruxes?"] [is there really a word "cruxi?"] [is there really a word "is?"], God (WTMM), and the unknown, which may be the DEEPEST WTMM. Try to earthe! So, lying there, I DID have a feeling of "oooooh, something wonderful may happen." So I would have to record it later to remember the power and intensity of it. And as I pause, looking out the window [oooooh, this is so like Krishnamurti's writing: interspersing deepest philosophical thoughts with casual touches of present reality] at the beautiful snow, just LOVING (WTMM) it, I think I'm starting to struggle to remember other components of the fugue to transcribe, but now at 10AM I'd be better (especially at the moment, since someone banging somewhere above or below or beside me in this building is starting to distract and annoy me) put the radio on and start having breakfast so I can go to the gym so I can join Mildred at Les Halles.

WEDNESDAY, 1/26/11: 4:54AM: Pee. 7:53AM: DREAMS:1/26/11. Pee at 8:40 and start Actualism. 8:45AM: Add note to myself to e-mail the company I sent my resume to and ask if they need more help. Note also to delete 1973 from resume. Up at 9:22AM to type FUGUE 2. It's snowing quite hard. As noted, I have breakfast, and Sharon calls at 10:30 to cancel tonight's session. I go to the gym, then join Mildred, already seated at the rustic Les Halles at 1:30. Food is quite mediocre until the waiter presents up with a dynamite complementary fresh-fruit-in-light-syrup bowl, just perfectly tasty raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, and boysenberries, leading us to large tips, Mildred insisting that hers was larger in proportion than mine, though it was quite clear to me that "mine was bigger than hers." She goes into her uptown subway, and I cross the street (note: STREET, not AVENUE!) and pay for the subway---which goes uptown! I laughed aloud because for a moment I thought SHE was going DOWNTOWN while I crossed to go uptown, but then put it together and realized we were both on the same uptown train before I got off at 42nd to cross over to the downtown express. Watch the 1.5-hour special on the "Panama Canal," showing that Teddy Roosevelt had great luck in hiring the right managers for the project and for the new-found solution to the yellow-fever problem. Spartacus called to recommend two movies on TCM tonight. Play Taipei 5:07-6:30PM, watch "Lucky Jordan," a rather silly Alan Ladd vehicle which has him NOT particularly reacting to subtle jokes by his co-actors, in which he finally ends up making a patriotic speech in which he praises everyone for joining the Army. Then sit through the rather grim "Snows of Kilimanjaro," which, I agree with Hemingway, would have been better had the hero died at the end. Then I play Solitaire 11:35PM-12:45AM. Bed 12:50AM.

THURSDAY, 1/27/11: 7:33AM: Pee and type DREAMS:1/27/11. Up at 9:26, adding the second dream. DiMatteo's secretary calls at 10AM, cancelling my 1PM appointment because my bridge wasn't delivered because of the snow. DAMN! Appointment changed to NEXT Wednesday, and later next THURSDAY! Don't feel like doing ANYTHING useful: my desk is still loaded with the papers I put on them after Tuesday's lunch with Mildred at Les Halles. Turn on TV for breakfast and catch the last over-half of "Curse of the Golden Flower," telling myself to catch the start of a repeat at 5:15PM, but I forget to do it. Put in Spartacus's DVD and watch one more episode of "30 Rock," since he didn't record the third one, and then slavishly start watching "Outsourcing," watching another and another, hating the tall pudgy American, liking the hopefully gay (though straight-talking) Indian cutie with soulful eyes, and tolerating all the other stereotypes. Watch SIX episodes in all, glad to be able to speed through the commercials. Spider 8-9:45PM, ending with the highest yet at 51.44403 at 667 up after 5 wins, good at last. Spartacus also alerts me to the TV showing of "Triad Election," which I think to tape, but I watch the end of a grim "Cousin Bette" with a sallow Jessica Lange, with its improbable coincidences and murders, and decide to stay up to watch the movie, ending rather sadly with someone who DIDN'T want the power HAVING the power, even to keeping it in the family to pass to his son! Bed 2:13AM.

FRIDAY, 1/28/11: Pee at 8:55AM after 6:42! Up at 10AM. 10:20AM: Delayed; stalled; behind times. Tried to do Actualism before getting out of bed, and it just wouldn't start. Kept circling through all the things I have to do: the pile on the desk, sorting the piles on the coffee table, tackling a long list of THINGS TO DO. The dental bridge that I hoped to get on Thursday delayed until next Wednesday; the appointment with the dermatologist stalled until Monday because the office was closed on Thursday because of the snow; the website memo that was due two days after I got back from Africa STILL hasn't been done; the enrollment form still hasn't been sent to AARP; typing the 2010 calendar not even started yet; website status long unchecked, no telling WHEN I'll get to Tris about what's going on---yet alone getting to Marj's bill from September 13!! But SOME things HAVE been done: the French trip seems to be starting in Paris---at which point I call Ken, find that his whole office's phone system has been changed, and verify that he's content with the information I got from Paul: best to arrive in Paris Friday morning, which gets some strange worry from Ken about "not having enough time at the end to do the things that have to be done," and even though I try to understand what he's saying, he doesn't manage to make it clear at all, though he wants me to get Paul's e-mail address for him. That temporarily closes THAT ball of wax. Then, my getting the AARP annuity seems clear now; Marj seems content with whatever I do with the checking of her notes---and the sending of her checks; and the pile of movies in my "see to get off my desk" is diminishing. And I'm looking forward to seeing the Sotheby's train exhibit with Steve this afternoon. Just one thing after another after another after another! Play Spider 10:45-11:30AM, down slightly to 51.44155 at 666 up after 2 wins. 5:05PM: Incredible trip to Sotheby's: Leave at noon, get to the 66th Street crosstown bus at 12:45 and it's held up by double-parked cars in the narrow, snow-bordered street between 3rd and 2nd Avenues, inching forward---maybe the driver was TOO careful. Get to Sotheby's at 1:30 and Steve is sitting patiently waiting for me. The display is extraordinary: stations, trestles, cars, contents, people, Ferris wheels, Merry-Go-Rounds, original boxes that double the price of the trains within, and he's enthusiastic seeing it for the SECOND time. Out at 2:45 and get on the 72nd Street crosstown bus at 3PM, making surprisingly good time to the subway at 3:30 and home at 4PM to wolf down the last lovely bacon sandwich, wash the dishes, get a call from Steve confirming that I meet him at track 24 at 6:50PM, and am typing this when Rita calls and I finish this at 5:15, ready to dress and leave with my camera with newly recharged batteries. Get to Sharon's just as she comes out of the office to get me, and leave at 6:14PM to make sure I'm not late in meeting Steve as near 6:45 as I can. Get to a JAMMED Grand Central waiting room at 6:53, pushing through the crowds to look for him inside track 24, but he's not there, so I look outside and he's waiting between tracks 23 and 24, introduces me to Leo, the terminal representative, who welcomes me, and another woman and man who are waiting to go up in the elevator with us. I try to take pictures of the crowds, but they don't come out very well focused, for some reason. To the walkway between the glass walls, and Leo even opens the grill so I can take another picture of the crowd gathered below because the New Haven Railroad wasn't announcing its track numbers, some connections having been broken because of the thawing and freezing on the system over the past few days. Steve pays my $5 entrance fee, the room is small, lined with books and memorabilia, some of which block the windows looking out onto an annex of the terminal. The people ARE odd, as he said, and it starts about 7:15 with an exhausting series of slides about the combined Erie-Lackawanna rail system, centering on the Phoebe Snow, many IN snow. Down to a john 8:45-9 with a few others, and back to another reel of slides to 9:30, when we get out. Try to get a Manhattan bus map from the information booth, but it doesn't seem to be there any more. Home after 10PM and have dinner while exhausting Spartacus's DVD of "30 Rock," watching three more episodes of "Outsourcing," and a half hour of Facebook on Bloomberg and a half hour of Shrek's Halloween special. Bed at 1:02AM.

SHARON B. 164 1/28/11

Again get there on the dot as she comes out to call me in. Talk about the busy-ness of today, with trains this afternoon and Grand Central for trains this evening. Mention that I've spent hours and hours on games, and it seems to be OK, though I'm not quite totally at ease with my self-given "freedom." Add that I'm proud of all the things that I've DONE, and start in some detail telling about my annuity phone calls, praising Mildred for helping me, and saying that I'm glad to have this (seemingly) added financial security if I outlive my current savings. It wasn't something I was IMMEDIATELY worried about, but it always lingered just over the horizon. Later in the session, when I talk about my continued regard of my piles as "a buffet of pleasure waiting for me to enjoy them," she asks why I might be delaying on some of them so long. I mention in specific the website-anniversary memo, which has been on the list of things to do since two days after I returned from my last trip. I think about it, and come up with the thought that I would check to see how much the website COST me during the past year, which, with an eye to limited resources, could be as much as $10,000, upping the cumulative cost from about $75,000 to about $85,000, and, although it would take 30 years to spend $300,000 more on it, it was still something that I really didn't like to contemplate. I found that connection interesting. Announced pleasure in Mildred's behavior, some trepidation about Marj's blowing up at me recently, and said that things were going well in general, then hastened to add that there are still MOMENTS of thought, when I "have nothing to think about," that I experience momentary panic or anxiety, but that passes quickly, but I don't want to her to think that my life has become ENTIRELY rosy. I mention that I even took an ambien the other night when I couldn't get to sleep for about an hour. Then couldn't think of anything else of note to say, so left slightly early at 6:13PM, noting that the clock outside said it was 6:15 with no appreciable difference. She said she took the same trip to Grand Central, living in Garrison, and seeing the river from the TRAIN, not from her apartment, from which she CAN see the towers of the Tappan Zee Bridge, and it takes her about two hours each way, and that if she left at 6:15 she'd get to the terminal about 6:53PM, which was about what it took me to get there.

SATURDAY, 1/29/11: Pee at 3:50AM. 7:41AM: Pee, get Times, type DREAMS:1/29/11. 7:53AM: Pee again. 9:56AM: Mildred gets me out of bed to buy stock for her! Have breakfast, read the Times, and then do both puzzles until about 2:40PM. Decide to try a bit of Spider at 2:45 and keep losing and losing and winning and losing and losing until 6:35PM, UGH! stopping at 51.43993 at 666 up after 2 wins. Totally dark outside. But, as I described to Sharon yesterday, I'm not REALLY feeling guilty about it: I'll do what I HAVE to do when I HAVE to DO it! Then have a late lunch with dinner pills while watching "Phantom Lady," rather inept mystery with the inept psychotic of Franchot Tone and the stiff Ella Raines: director Siodmak not nearly so good as he was with "Spiral Staircase." Then continue with the long-standing "Nowhere Boy" from Netflix, about John Lennon's aunt and mother and new bands, with some interesting details, but not that great. Bed 1:02AM, the same time as YESTERDAY.

SUNDAY, 1/30/11: 6:26AM: Pee and type DREAMS:1/20/11. Sharp crotch-pain for a minute. Get Times and have a short pee again at 6:40AM. Up at 9:32AM. Read Times with dry HH breakfast. Spider 11:20AM-12:15PM, GREAT at last: to 51.44821, a total high at 670 up after 5 wins, GREATEST SESSION. Take battery-pile OFF coffee table by 12:30. E-mail fuss with "free" iPad for "three easy questions on Facebook," which Spartacus later says, and I agree, DO NOT TOUCH, to 12:50. 12:55PM: How quickly I get so far behind! Filled in the three or four missing days and decide NOW to type Sharon's session before it gets even MORE in the past. Marj's line busy at 1PM (and 2PM) as it was yesterday at 11AM. Talk to Spartacus to 2 and start making a tuna casserole. Fuss with TV listings from Spartacus's DVD, start catching up with the journal, writing up Sharon's session, and GET Marj from 3:10-3:30, having to shut off the oven in the middle, and establishing that she doesn't want to be disturbed with questions from her notes until FRIDAY! And she NEVER said she NEEDED her check. Then have lunch while watching the first 18 minutes of Olmi's "Il Posto," which I saw back in 1963 as "Sound of Trumpets." Then put back the DVD for the male skating between 4-6PM on CBS. Type a bit until 4:15, and then can't resist Taipei from 4:15-5:30. Back to typing to 5:35 and realize I've GOT to go to the GYM!!! And then there's a KID there, piping along in his ear-piercing treble, jabbering constantly (despite a dad who could have been cute had he not had an offspring impediment), and I almost asked on the way out if there were a lower-age limit for admission to the gym (which I did before, but I forgot the answer). Back home at 7:20, relieved at the silence, and switch channels from ice skating to the Screen Actors' Awards. ALMOST go to a game, but come back to WP51! Type and print pages and finally catch up at 8:15PM, pleased to be finished at last, having printed out FIVE whole pages. Then check DH and print out one of THOSE pages. Now to clear off my DESK! Fill out the annuity enrollment form by 8:30 and start looking for menus for Fives and Industria Argentina, but when at 9PM I get a reservation form for the latter at 9:30, I decide to GO, since I have no HH meals waiting for me and I've wanted to go there, and can get there easily in 25 minutes. It's casual, so I don't even change, and get there on an almost deserted street to find a lively crowd inside, so I sit in the back and try to convince them to substitute their appetizer sweetbreads for one of the fixed-price Restaurant Week entrees, but they won't do it. Their lentil soup as appetizer, lamb short-rib-style hunk of meat under a sweet tomato compote on a bed of polenta and tasty sauce, and bunuelos with dulce de leche, good, and chocolate, too thin, are all good and filling. Home at 10:45 and debate calling Spartacus to say he missed it, but just watch, and speed through much of, my taped SAG Awards for 2010, with nothing much surprising winning all the awards. Bed at 12:42AM.

MONDAY, 1/31/11: Difficulty getting to sleep, looking at the clock at 1-something and again at 2-something. Debate taking a sleeping pill, but don't, and fall asleep soon after. Then at 4:08AM wake with definite heartburn and finish off the last of three Rolaids from a jar that I must have bought over 30 years ago. Pee and note the first of DREAMS:1/31/11. Pee again! 6:59AM: Pee and type UNIQUE dream to add to Jewels. Pee again and back to bed at 7:40AM to fall asleep pretty quickly. Up at 10:12AM, deciding to have lunch at Fives at Peninsula Hotel, leaving word with Mildred to call me, and talk to Spartacus, who says he might go, but then calls back to say he's decided not to go. Print out two pages of my great second dream for Sharon on Wednesday. Then make my appointment with dermatologist Abraham Frelich at 85 Pierrepont Street for 1:45PM Wednesday, taking up the last slot that I thought of as a Restaurant Week lunch, though a Wednesday evening dinner after the Czech film might not be unreasonable. Feels great to be catching up on things: now at 12:12PM I'll try calling FIA Card Services to find where my 2% payback is going! By 12:18 I'm told that nothing has changed, my $30+ on 12/20/10 should have gone to my Schwab checking account---or Schwab One account? He's willing to wait while I check, but I'm so flummoxed that I don't even know where to look, so I tell him I'll take his word and if I still have a problem I'll get back to him. He was very willing to wait while I checked around, which is nice. Still a few things that I feel I want to get to, like 1) finding which guy Doug is who sent me the e-mail as now being available again, 2) writing the website memo, 3) arranging the piles on the desk to see how many I have NOW! So I find that Doug is the slender fellow from Levittown, which is dead-center on Long Island, and I reply to his e-mail to 12:45. Clear rest of e-mails to 12:55. Get out website expense sheet to find that I spent $8710 in 2010 to make $78,986 total so far to 1:15. Get out to Fives at Peninsula just after 2PM so I can't eat in the dining room but sit in the smaller bar and watch a few interesting people, like the Chinese fellow eating his 2.5-inch hamburger with a knife and fork while his casually dressed wife keeps glancing over at me with my butter-infused potato soup with odd Brussel-sprout topping, my GREAT pork belly (after removing the fat, but peeling it away from the skin so I can eat that) with potato and good rolls and lots of butter, and the odd chocolate praline which is like a chocolate mousse on a chocolate cake, with a tiny scoop of green sorbet, good lunch for $30 for restaurant week, which menu they did NOT offer the Chinese fellow at 2:30PM. Back from Fives and do mail to 4:30, looking like it's about to snow outside. Take "1973" out of resume at 4:35. Write Memo 24 to Tris by 5:30. Try to see what my "message" is on Facebook, but can't figure how to do anything about it to 6PM. Look at Keogh Distribution Request, same one as I usually use to put funds into my IRA or Schwab One, and get hung up on how to put who it's distributed to, seeing that THIS FORM would ensure it's transfered to an IRA, so I phone New York Life at 6:20 to find they close at 6PM. Then, at last, feeling good about it, do a new ten-entry restaurant list for 2011 to 7:10PM. Decide not to watch an 8PM Greely Expedition on Channel 13 and start entering items from my 2010 Datebook, and then Spartacus calls to say that the Greely is on at 9PM, so at 8:50 I stop Datebook entries at the end of March, heat up my tuna casserole, and watch the cannibalistic Greely Expedition to the then-farthest north of 83 in 188?. Then hooked into an old hour from 2008 on Dubai, with the Burj Dubai, still so-called, not finished yet, with many OTHER projects described that probably were cancelled during the next year's depression. Tired watching the Dubai, so I get to bed at 11:23PM, after changing the calendar page to February even before February starts.