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2011 3 of 8

WEDNESDAY, 3/16/11: 7:14AM pee and type DREAMS:3/16/11. Play Spider 7:30-8:25AM to 51.41497 at 672 up aftrer 3 wins, tood at 12 behind, and look at e-mail and get back to bed at 8:32AM, setting the alarm for 10:01AM in case I oversleep and miss Dr. Freilich. Get there at 10:47AM, THIRD of the four of us with 11AM appointments. Get in at 11:15, sit and read until 11:30, and he comes in, jabs me with anesthetic, and digs and digs and DIGS into my back, saying that I should call back in a week for the biopsy report and make an appointment for another visit in TWO months, when he'll take the freeze to spots on my face again. Spartacus calls and we get tickets to Martha Graham tonight: I should meet him at 7:15 at the Jazz box office at 60th and Broadway at 7:15PM. Back to play Spider from 1:20-4PM, when I record a score of 51.39244 at 663 up after 5 wins, but a DISASTER at 21 behind, then have lunch, get to Sharon, and then BACK to Spider with SUCH MADNESS that I look up at 10:45PM and realize I FORGOT to meet Spartacus for the Graham performance! Call him and he says it was awful, but he DID leave the ticket for me at the box office. I just say I forgot, just that simple. Keep ON playing Spider to 11:25AM, so agonized that I don't even bother to record my score, getting to bed at 1:58AM, not able to sleep, so I take valium at 2AM and finally doze off.

SHARON B. 171 3/16/11

Lunch takes longer than I'd planned, and get to Sharon's at 4:47PM to find, with relief, that her door's closed and someone's inside. He leaves almost immediately, but I start by saying I'm relieved she's running late, because I was running late. Tell her that I've identified the feeling that's been running around in my head for the last few days: I'm SAD! She says she'd heard that in my voice in the last few sessions---I almost told her she should have said something to me about it, but that would be uncharitable. I'm sad with my body, with my life, with my ROUTINE: I washed clothes, and it seemed like only yesterday that I did the laundry, even though it WAS last October. The gym takes place almost hourly; typing on the computer is endless; eating is eternal; nothing is REALLY the way I want it, though everything is going well. Yes, Rita DID give me a jolt when I thought I might be getting $7500 from her trust, but I should have listened to her in the first place and not gotten my hopes up. Sharon actually suggested that I look for a small TRIP to liven up my life! I can do it anytime, why not? I talk of my fatigue at the museum, of my hours with Spider, though I couldn't very well mention that I'll forget to join Spartacus at the Martha Graham performance this evening. I complain about the pain of my dermatologist's appointment this morning, about annoying noises, about the fact that there's nothing interesting on television, and I really MUST get to the library [which I finally do the following day] to get something INTERESTING to read rather than just going to Spider all the time. She tries to tie my sadness into things earlier in life, but I can't really remember, truly, being SAD very often in the past---impatient, frustrated, depressed, but not really SAD. I keep trying, in my head, to differentiate sadness from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe I should break down and cry. Mention that Doug was appreciative of the slides, and my apartment, and ME on Friday night, but that isn't going anywhere soon. She remarks that her birthday is on the 25th, and she always gives herself the week off, so we'll next meet on MY birthday, the 30th, which is fine with me. I leave just a bit early, since she seems ready to be rid of me.

THURSDAY, 3/17/11: Pee at 8:01AM after dream of my putting on Bette-Midler-type show with 12 astrological costumes. Up at 10:40 after dream of eating pastries sitting with kids with shoes off. Spider 10:45AM-12:05PM to 51.38993 at 662 up after 2 wins, 22 behind. Go to Spartacus to get my bandage changed and then go to the library to check out FOUR books, feeling VERY good to have them. In fact I read Pratchett: Discworld Graphic Novels of The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic, all in one sitting. Leave at 5:15PM for La Boite en Bois, getting there was before Stephanie, and having a decent, rather overpriced, meal before going to Spanish Gold: Songs of the Iberian Peninsula with the New York Festival of Song under Steven Blier, free with Stephanie as tickets from Ken. It's not bad, but it's not my ideal evening, though it's a wonderful indication of how rich New York's offerings can be. Back to another Spider 11:05PM-1:35AM to 51.38758 at 661 up after 2 wins, BOO, 23 behind. Bed at 1:50AM.

FRIDAY, 3/18/11: Pee at 8:53AM, headache again this morning. DREAMS:3/18/11 typed. Pee again at 9:06AM and back to bed, feeling warm. Back up at 10:30AM! Check Audience Extras and get tickets to Martha Graham's Program 1 tonight, and to "Beautiful Burnout" on Saturday. It's a gorgeous day, so I leave for the Brooklyn Botanic Garden at 1PM, getting there at 1:30 for the hottest part of the day, which goes up to 77. I take poetic notes: Still entrance wilted pansy pot. Hundreds of lilac-pink crocus---they went where the wind wanted them. ONE bright-opened forsythia flower of THOUSANDS of buds. Green leaves exhale to my carbon-dioxide nose.. Narrow phallic espalier shoots. Lilac leaves. Daffodils by dozens---no, no, narcissus? Periwinkle---blue! Beaked filbert dripped corn-colored tassels. The northern white he saw a Southern Black Haw (honeysuckle family). Spring heath sprung. Still snowdrops still. 2:32PM: $14.15 lunch: quiche, salad, carrot cake, water, Bradbury---all just excellent. Eat to 3:30, much water. Two early yellow on green daffodil hill. I actually fantasized sending this as a poem to The New Yorker, but didn't do it, and now it's too late. Finish reading Bradbury: "Farewell Summer." Home, tired, about 5PM. Look at my February bills and find 1) Time-Warner cable is $65.27, 2) Verizon for Internet is $38.51, and 3) Birch for phone is $40.18 (and $43 for new bill: recurring $32.42, taxes $7.17, and long distance $4), for a total of $143.96, to be compared, eventually, with Fios. Then make a point of getting out to Martha Graham's Program 1 at the Jazz Theater, in the center of the last row, sitting on my shoulder bag because of the single tall lady precisely in front of me. Robert Wilson's "Snow on the Mesa" is just awful: how could this DILETTANTE choreograph so STUPIDLY, thinking he could duplicate Graham's DECADES of AGONY in motion with his windmilling arms? And the music is ghastly, too. And it goes on FOREVER---at LEAST an hour and a half. Lots of people leave, depriving themselves of the vaguely amusing REAL late Graham of "Maple Leaf Rag." Desperate for a treat, I order a $48 filet mignon at Lomonaco's Porter House New York, and it's ideally done as their medium (my medium rare, with a juicy red center), but the spinach with bacon on top isn't worth $10, and the view from my window table up Broadway isn't that much to talk about, and the waiter at least did remember that Lomonaco's last restaurant atop the World Trade Center was called Blue Sky. Get home just after midnight, and get to bed at 1:20AM.

SATURDAY, 3/19/11: Pee 7:28AM, headache again. Type DREAMS:3/19/11 and pee again. Up at 9:55AM, tired. Go through the Times, do both puzzles, the crossword sudoku something new, have a late breakfast, go to the gym, and get to MAN at Eric's Place (not Erik's place) just before 4PM, wearing my so-long-green-T-shirt-that-it-covers-my-genitals back-scab protection, Steve asking me TWICE why I'm wearing it. A few people actually TALK to me, but the place is awful and I leave fairly early, after eating quite a bit, and later I leave at 7:15 to get to St. Ann's early and get a side-section seat for "Beautiful Burnout," to which I can only ask "What's the point?" Though the Indian body was pleasant when oiled and sweaty. And the audience seemed to like it. Back to watch TV, probably, and then play Taipei about midnight to 1AM, and then Spider 1:05-3:10AM to 51.38207 at 659 up, AWFUL after 2 wins, 25 behind. Then brush, floss, peroxide, decotton new earplugs, and get exhausted to bed at 3:37AM. Then up to put heavy blanket away and bed at 3:43AM.

SUNDAY, 3/20/11: Pee 8:42AM and get the Times. Give credit-card number to Ken at 10:10AM, and finally get up at 11:37AM! Ken calls to say there were NO good seats (though HE got WINDOWS) on Air France, and I should give him a check for $1669 since he paid both with his credit card. I'll give him the check when we have dinner for my birthday on Monday at Henry's End. Play Spider 11:53AM-3:20PM, hideous to 51.36811 at 653 up after 5 wins, 31 behind, and (after breakfast) again 4:35-7:35PM, MAD to 51.37341 at 656 up after 6 wins, 28 behind. Play Taipei 7:35-8:45PM, then Solitaire 8:45-9:30PM. Have dinner with TV, probably. Then climax day with a shitty Spider 11:30PM-1AM to 51.37341 to 657 up after 3 wins, 27 behind. Calculate, from Saturday night through Monday morning, but "on Sunday," I played TEN HOURS OF SPIDER! How REVOLTING! Bed 1:24AM.

MONDAY, 3/21/11: Note two DREAMS:3/21/11, but not the time. Start morning with Spider 9:40-10:30AM, OK to 51.37341 at 656 up after 6 wins, only 28 behind. Want to catch up with things, but don't, really. 1:10PM: APPALLED that it's been so long since I've entered anything here [Sunday, 3/14, 9AM]. Wanted to catch up with everything ELSE before getting to this [with the pain of having to turn back TWO datebook pages to finish Sunday BEFORE last], but HAD to record that I thought to give Marj a few minutes by telling her about my ten hours of Spider yesterday and Robert Workoff's calling to change the ASME index date to mid-May, so I phoned her at 12:15PM, saying "Surprise," and she talked AGES about her "rencil on raper" typos in her Watson-Guptill book, and I had to add my bRAdburY goody at the end, and we got off the phone JUST SHORT of an hour, since she was "in a hurry to maybe get a cancellation appointment with Time-Warner." Just AGES on the phone! NOW, at 1:14PM, I'm impelled to phone Spartacus---and AGAIN, maddeningly, he INSISTS on calling me back after he goes to the toilet---what am I supposed to DO in those two minutes---play Spider???---to tell him my negative reaction to "Beautiful Burnout" because I played Spider for ten hours all day Sunday. But at least I'm getting the living room in order, and will soon type up Wednesday's session with Sharon---at least what I can remember of it, though the whole THING [keeping the journal] seems more and more trivial. Get off the phone with Spartacus at 2:03PM---and I wonder where the TIME goes?? Start lunch when a friend of Shelley's calls to ask me about Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan that she'll be visiting with a friend in two weeks toward the end of October. Start transcribing notes into the journal, but I'm so uncoordinated in the task that I actually print page seven THREE times before it's finished. At least I have spare pages for copying onto now. Amazed that it's 5:30PM! Then another Spider session 2:53-4:03PM, UH to 51.37848 at 659 up after 3 wins, still 25 behind. Wanted to watch three television programs this evening, but Spartacus called about the Fifth Annual Broadway Men's Beauty Pageant at Symphony Space available on Theatermania, so he promised that he'd taped the Bill Maher, had a copy of "The Pee-Wee Herman Show on Broadway, and that the HBO special on the Triangle Factory Fire would be repeated, so I agreed to go, finishing Bradbury's "The Cat's Pajamas" on the subway. I said we'd get there at 7:25PM for his 7:30PM ticket pick-up, and we got there at 7:15PM. We sat in the top balcony looking at the people in the $150 (ho-ho) orchestra seats. It wasn't that good, and I wasn't particularly interested in who won, so we left and walked down (since a bus didn't come to assist Spartacus's sore knee) to Five Napkin Burger to find Tanner not working that evening, a smaller crowd, but the burger was as good, and the root-beer float was good even with the frozen-ice ice cream. Play a SHIT Spider 12:12-2:02AM to 51.37576 at 658 up after 3 wins, 26 behind. Bed at 2:22AM.

TUESDAY, 3/22/11: Pee at 9:15AM and up at 10:56AM, noting dream of missing extension cord. Have breakfast and maybe talk with Marj and purposely DON'T think about tomorrow's Japan slide show, but clean up a few things in preparation for the gathering here afterwards. Spider TERRIBLY negative 1:30-2:15PM, when I just QUIT at 51.36705 at 654 up after 3 losses, 30 behind, then going back 6:15-8PM, when I stop for TCM's "Wife Vs. Secretary" and "Red Dust," two with Jean Harlow to midnight, when I get out the slides and put them into the trays and manage to get one caught behind the ejector in the projector, figuring it have to push the slide TOWARD the screen to get it out, and then back to finish Spider 1:05-1:30AM to 51.37054 at 656 up after 3 wins, 28 behind. Take a valium with my evening pills so I won't panic tomorrow, and get to bed at 1:53AM.

WEDNESDAY, 3/23/11: 8:04AM pee and type DREAMS:3/23/11, and go back to bed at 8:15AM for an Actualism session, then up at 9:21AM to j/o, fairly quickly, yet still, somehow, getting a blood smear on the back of my thumb. It's been so long since I used the slow motion that I actually kept getting FAST FORWARD by hitting the button from PLAY, before realizing that SLOW FORWARD resulted from hitting the button from PAUSE. Late breakfast, while watching "China Seas," and phone Freilich to find that my biopsy results "are marked OK," a great relief. Finish cleaning up the apartment and dressing and putting out the booze by 12:05PM, when Susie arrives a bit late when I'm totally ready for her. Have soup while she has her multi-course lunch, and we leave at 12:45PM to find that it's stopped snowing, and they want us to start at 1PM so we can clear out by 2:20PM when they have to use the room for another class. I give my pre-talk while John and Charles and Fred and Steve file in, and there's a group of about 15 that Susie gets the sign-in chart for. Slides get stuck TWICE, but I manage to unstick them in a decent amount of time and everyone loves the show. Charles and John and Susie and Steve come back about 2:30 to enjoy Susie's cashews, my cranberries, her Fre red and merlot wines, and her crackers. Charles has to leave about 4:30, when Steve says he's getting hungry, so I suggest egg foo yung from China Wall, which everyone accepts: John's had so much blackberry brandy that his voice is slurred and he repeats himself twice, as if he had NO MEMORY of saying it the first time. Adding to the snow this morning, there are strange sounds on the air conditioner and it turns out to be HAIL! Welcome to Spring in New York! When I suggest a hot-fudge sundae for dessert, John hadn't even heard of dulce de leche ice cream. Down to be attracted to a large box of store-made cookies for only $5, reminded of Steve's comment about the crackers: "No cookies?" and get them too, which means they eat about half and I finish the other half tonight and tomorrow. The hot-fudge sundaes are a great success, though I have to finish the last of the ice cream. Susie leaves to catch a good train and misses it by two minutes. Steve helps clean up. I finish putting things away, except for the slides themselves, and get to Spider 9:20-9:40PM, recording 51.37246 at 657 up, OK after 2 wins at 27 behind, but then "encouraged" to continue to a DISASTER at 12:55AM at 51.36082 at 652 up after 2 wins, leaving me 32 behind!! Bed at 1:31AM.

THURSDAY, 3/24/11: 8:49AM pee and type DREAMS:3/24/11 and play Spider 9-11AM to 51.36657 at 655 up, OK after 6 wins, "only" 29 behind. Snow on the ground again this morning. Phone Spartacus on his 82nd birthday and he doesn't call back until Saturday. Watch "The Pee-Wee Herman Show on Broadway" on Spartacus's DVD, and then awful Spider again 4:35-9:05PM RIDICULOUS to 51.3438 at 645 up after 3 wins, leaving me 39 behind, and reuptake at 12:45-1:45AM to 51.34549 to 646 up after 2 wins for 38 behind. Just another totally fucking wasted day! Bed at 2:02AM!!

FRIDAY, 3/25/11: 7PM: All I DID today was get up late, have breakfast, go to the gym, watch "Angels and Demons Decoded" while having lunch, put the slides away from Wednesday's show, and sit to try to catch up with the journal---with marvelous swathes of clouds pink and gray in the sunset outside my window. Oh yes, I did do Spider 11:30-11:53AM, perfect to 51.34741 to 647 up for a quick 2 wins, 37 behind, and from 1:22-2:40PM, OK to 51.35123 to 649 up after 4 wins, 35 behind. Oh, yes, and I remember I DID evaluate 47 Zagat restaurants to qualify to get the 2012 guide. Also phoned Charles to say that I want to see the City Center Monodramas either this evening or Tuesday evening, but he never calls back so I watch "The More the Merrier," with an old-looking Jean Arthur and a wooden Joel MacRae: can't get it out of my head that he was GAY! Watch other junk on TV and get to bed at 12:28AM, brushing teeth well for DiMatteo tomorrow, though they're too sensitive for her painful cleaning.

SATURDAY, 3/26/11: Note DREAMS:3/26/11 from 7:58-8:26AM, have breakfast and brush teeth again, and look at the Times EXCEPT for the puzzles until 10:45AM, when I leave for DiMatteo, AGAIN forcing her to put away her planned cleaning implements when I say my teeth are too sensitive. She laughs about rightfully making me feel guilty. She also praises Mildred's "happy pills." She takes down some of the bridge-teeth on the left so that my right bite feels better. Back to do both puzzles by about 3PM, STILL not feeling like doing anything useful, but I DO put the remains of Wednesday's slide-show away and then, guess what?, go to Spider 4-7PM, long and good to 51.37137 at 659 up after ELEVEN wins, "only" 25 behind, but then SADLY return to 9:10PM, losing much of the gain by ending up at 51.35584 at 652 up after 2 wins, 32 behind. Can't tear myself away from games, so play Solitaire 9:10-10:10PM and Taipei 10:10PM-12:30AM, really quite cold, with the temperature going down to 28 as I sit with my laprobe and ice-cold feet. Put on the electric blanket while I have Progresso's Clam Chowder for dinner while watching junk TV and get to bed at 1:24AM.

SUNDAY, 3/27/11: Pee at 8:50AM and get the Times, then note DREAMS:3/27/11. Up at 11:10AM to read the Times with breakfast. Then get to "my daily" (OH, how I can rationalize!) Spider 1-2:10PM, OK to 51.35916 at 654 up after 3 wins, 30 behind. 2:55PM: Seem to have been working on my dream journals and on this journal for hours, and I'm still only up to Tuesday's notes. Depressed by 15 piles on the table. "Will this table never be clean?" Write a check for $1669 for my Air France flights to France, to give to Ken tomorrow at Henry's End for my birthday dinner at 6:30. Mildred calls to ask what I know about the Morman musical, denying that it has anything to do with "South Park." Phone Alexandra to find that she'll come to the Dubai show on April 1, and I later confirm with Mildred and Fred that that's the date. I keep printing pages and finally finish this to date by 3:40PM, knowing in my heart as I tear the last page from the printer that I'll be going back to Spider to try to improve my score in a REASONABLE amount of time. ANYTHING to delay getting back to the pile of IRS tax-papers on my desk. It goes well from 3:40-4:55PM to 51.36562 at 657 up after 4 wins, 27 behind, coming closer to the "damnable" 666! Now for LUNCH! Read a magazine while having a turkey burger, and then decide to check the Schwab Visa statement and make out that check, and at 6PM get down to taxes, finishing just before 8PM, finding that I'll be getting $3776 back! Then to TV for pelicans at Australia's Lake Eyre, dinner with "Thirty-Nine Steps" in an elaborate PBS production, and watch (clearly for the second time) "The Powder and the Glory," about Helena Rubenstein and Elizabeth Arden, to midnight. Put on a new "Marie Antoinette" to record, and make a note that I should get my third hepatitis B shot tomorrow. Type this 12:18AM, ready for bed at 12:23AM.

MONDAY, 3/28/11: 5:32AM pee and type DREAMS:3/28/11, really quite remarkable. Notes taken after dream recorded IN the dream, now being printed out to take to Sharon on Wednesday. DID check out Susan Boyle on Google, and though my entry to her winning song has been taken out by Boublil, it's still available through Google, with a large bio on Wikipedia. Then watched the first few minutes of the first episode of "Lost" to get me back into it, and then watched the entire 1:44 FINAL episode to bring all the strands together by 10:15AM. Then phone Mildred and brag about my dream, which gives me permission to do whatever I want to do with my life, and she's had the same type of dream I've had: lost in streets she doesn't recognize in New Orleans, and I tell her about my "far upper West Side" and "far lower East Side" series of dreams. Finish these notes at 10:53AM and re-read the page for Sharon and have to go back to DREAMS to correct the typo of the PEWER I want to the POWER I want! Then phone Marj to fill HER in, getting a busy signal until 12:45, during which time I copy the IRS forms and put them into their envelopes and get them ready for mailing! Talk until just before 1, when I go out for my third hepatitis B shot, waiting over an hour, and then Steven Baker tut-tuts that I didn't come back to him directly. He gives me the shot and looks at the scab on my back to report that it's healing nicely. Have a late lunch till 2:45 but STILL get out to the gym, which isn't that easy, and get back for the mail, and get out to Henry's End at 6:30 to find Ken already there. He loves his turtle soup and partridge pasta from the a la carte game menu, while I have the fixed-price $25 BBQ ribs, perfectly delicious, and an INTENSE boar ragout, $5 extra, and Ken has THREE glasses of wine, so the final bill comes to $110, which my $20 gift card reduces to $88, and he insists I take ALL the $20 for my birthday, and then makes the mistake of leaving an ENORMOUS $30 tip---precisely the price of my dinner! Back to look through the mail and get back to the book, but my eyes are closing so I go to bed at the ridiculously early hour of 9:55PM!

TUESDAY, 3/29/11: 4:53AM: Pee and type DREAMS:3/29/11, then look up "current safety in Syria" on Google for John, then "Latakia," and watch Shanxi slides again and back to bed at 5:55AM. Up at 8:44, have an early breakfast since I plan to go to the opera tonight, and do my daily Spider 9:07-10:50AM, long, to 51.3692 at 659 up after 3 wins, OK at 25 behind. Sit to tackle what I think will be a difficult income form for Cadman Towers, but it goes very quickly and I fill out unneeded second and third copies, because when I pay the manager $2 for notarizing the form, she instructs the secretary to make TWO copies, one for them and one for me, so I can throw out my other copies. Then at noon check to find that, ironically, I'm on the WAITING LIST for Friday night's "Capriccio," which I can't possibly attend, and leave a message with Charles if HE would want to go, but he calls back to say he's busy Friday night---and then I have to call him back when I find we can't go to the River Church on Sunday because of Ken's brunch and concert! Then, progress in mind, I call the IRS-forms number to be told Form 5500-EZ isn't ready yet, but they'll send it out when it IS! Call Marj back in triumph to say that maybe EVERYONE bitched about doing it online, so they brought the paper form BACK! Later check to find that the form was EVEN available in 2010, when they said it wasn't! Then start watching "Eat Pray Love" on Netflix, knowing it would be cutting it close at 2:20 when I start at 4:50PM, and then Spartacus calls to say the opera's on Theatermania, but he'd have to pick it up IN PERSON across from Lincoln Center, so that wouldn't work for me, and then I have to get my HH meals, and I just decide I'll watch the end of the film to 8PM and ignore the opera until later. Then watch the Channel 13 "Doping for Gold" by DDR that actually caused a woman to have an operation to change into a man, who then married one of his former teammates! Have a delicious bacon sandwich while going through the new week's magazines, and reading more of Bear's "City at the End of Time," and get to bed at 12:03AM on my birthday.

WEDNESDAY, 3/30/11: Pee at 7:57AM and think to do Actualism, but don't, getting up at 8:24AM with a note to call John about his Syrian visa and OAT about when I can get it from PBS Services. Leave messages, advised by OAT to get my Syria visa AFTER my trip to France, and John calls to say he's really UNDECIDED whether to leave for Syria on Saturday or not, saying he'll lose $4000 if he doesn't take the trip. Carolyn calls to sing me "Happy Birthday," and Spartacus wishes me the same later. Watch a poor "Monsters" on Netflix, only ninety minutes. Have lunch about noon, reading more of the Bear book because it's better when I'm not SLEEPY, and then call Verizon, and FIOS, and order it from 2-3PM, talking again to Spartacus to 3:35PM, and getting him to get his OWN reference number if he wants a piece of my joining FIOS, which he should have given me in the first place. Read more of the book while shitting, then decide to catch up with dreams, so I can print out a SECOND large dream page for Sharon this afternoon, and finish with this up to date at 4:28PM, now down to a wonderful TEN piles on my table, ready to wash my face for Sharon. 5:45PM: Set a new record for transcription of her session! Do it ALMOST as long as a page---longer than either dream---to 6:04PM, looking forward to a delicious bacon sandwich before looking at the mail and leaving for "Rheingold." Do all that and get to the Met at 7:35PM, wait in LONG line for the men's john, and read the program---seeing the curtain UP for a moment as I read, but then it's down again---until Charles arrives, panting, at 8:04PM. We chat until 8:10, when a guy comes onstage with a mike and says the start will be delayed another ten minutes. Finally starts at 8:25, and the orchestra isn't that great, and then the Rhine maidens are barely audible and the set is just cumbersome, though the Alberich of Richard Paul Fink makes a good impression. Wotan, Bryn Terfel, sadly, starts out VERY quietly, and Stephanie Blythe is just enormous and sadly not of enormous volume of voice as Fricka: the only real WAGNERIAN voice is from Wendy Bryn Harmer as Freia. Particia Bardon makes an effective Erda at the end. But the staging is stiff and awkward, the music, without voices to impel it, isn't effective, and I'm just awfully disappointed. It's over by 10:55PM, the audience is wildly applauding, but we leave, sad, after Charles goes to the john again. Bed at 12:03AM, noting "birthday OVER."

SHARON B. 172 3/30/11

Review the dreams I printed and feel forced to say that the NUMBER of my dreams taking place "in upstate New York" is not PRIMARILY related to the fact that Sharon lives up there: for many years I knew many people that I would visit upstate, before starting sessions with her. Started with the JOYS of the week: starting with Sunday's discovery that not only do I not have to pay estimated taxes for the rest of the year, but I'll be getting $3600 BACK from the governments, so I mailed the forms on Monday, finished the form for Cadman Towers on Tuesday, found also on Tuesday that they WILL have a PAPER Form 5500-EZ at some time, and then had the WONDERFULLY liberating dream on Monday. When she asked what came first, my feeling good about circumstances or my dream of freedom, I had to say that it was the DREAM that REALLY SOLIDIFIED the thought that I could finish with everything I HAD to do, and could look forward to warm weather so I could walk to places to strengthen my "point-shock" weaknesses in my left knee and my right hip that reminded me so strongly of my Tibet traveler's collapsing knee that took her out of the entire trip. It may have started as much as a month ago, so slightly I hardly noted it, but through the last two weeks it's increased in frequency until a few days ago I noted it maybe three times in an hour in my right hip, not REALLY connecting the feeling with arthritis, though that's probably what it is, but if it increases I'll certainly want to see a doctor about it, because I wouldn't want to fear a COLLAPSE on a trip away from home. Mentioned John's sensibility about his trip to Syria when I called about my visa timing, and---my jotting is as jumbled as the dream from Tuesday---remember describing my dreams as a GIFT, and when Sharon mentioned the word "unconscious," I had actually to REMIND myself that I HAD an unconscious, since by definition that would be BEYOND MY CONTROL, and maybe my compulsive noting of dreams was my way of trying to make my unconscious CONSCIOUS, so that I could CONTROL it! She rather hastened to say (since I was talking so much all the time) that it was OK to think of the unconscious as being out of control, though we did structure and form it. I also latched onto the unusualness of LAUGHTER in my dreams, as the one about Carolyn ended, even to repeating the trilogy of "Higher Will," "Good Will," and "Good Humor" as something I thought I had LESS of as I got older, and she remarked about sixteen-year-olds laughing on subways because they don't know what lies ahead of them. Also remarked about my delight of finding Greg Bear's "House at the End of Time," which I enjoyed the freedom of reading because it was deep with physical knowledge that I didn't think someone like Mildred would appreciate. Also said that, with the FIOS work this afternoon, I had NOTHING MORE THAT I HAD to do on my table, the rest was play and entertainment oriented, and I looked forward to warmer weather so I could walk more, hoping to clear up the (no, I told her, I didn't think it felt like a nerve, though it WAS a brief, almost-electric, shock) problems in my walking. At the start, when she wished me a happy birthday, we DID compare the LARGE number of people who seemed to be having birthdays at this time---and I even fantasized that the package that Joshua said was waiting for me was a birthday gift, though it turned into a Netflix envelope. Also mentioned my watching "Lost," but FORGOT to describe "Gain" as a novel I'd written years ago based on Actualism. She said she'd look through both dreams to see whether there were connections that I hadn't seen, though when I mentioned "Eat Pray Love" she said she'd read the book and rather liked it, though she didn't think it could be well made into a movie---I said the character was rather a wimp, but Sharon liked her more. Told her I was seeing "Rheingold" tonight, having already heard "The Ride of the Valkyries" at the beginning and end of "Monsters," another movie watched on Netflix. She was delighted how well I was feeling and how well my birthday week was going, with dinners and operas and dance. Leave a little late at 5:32PM.

THURSDAY, 3/31/11: Pee at 6:23AM and up at 9:28, noting dream of art-class projects on the walls of a classroom, and a book of anatomical drawings that includes a disguised picture of a circumcized cock, and another illustrative swoosh separating two drawings on one page that turns out to be the spurt of cum from an orgasm! Decide my first task of the day is to finish Greg Bear's "City at the End of Time," taking many notes from the impressive book: p.139: "Dark matter is stuff waiting to happen." p.185 is history in 2 paragraphs. p.197 Babel is like an Ur-Google. p.269 books as subject to Uncertainty Principle. Typo on p.400, line 8: favor oF Mnemosyne. p.402 bottom: entanglement of CHARACTERS. p.426 mentions vacuum energy and Higgs field. p.435 has "joy of matter." p.453 mentions "Crux," but never really uses it. p.466 it's clear in 6th paragraph that Typhon = entropy! and later that Original Sin is mirrored in Final Sin, while the text is written in terms of "we." p.469: "We're here because we WILL it." Finish at 1:50PM. Go to the gym, really felt as a chore, and worry about the sign which says there's no hot water, but when I finish and try the faucets, there IS hot water. Then watch the relatively ineffective "127 Hours" while having lunch, and finish before dressing to meet Spartacus at 6:50 at the subway to be confused about the 96th Street station transfer to the #1 train to Columbia. There early at 7:30 to stand in jammed lobby before being admitted to the Miller Theater for the Taiko Dance and Drumming Group from Tamagawa University, happy to be here rather than in damaged Japan, though they relate that the University and the students were unaffected by the quake. That's over at 9:30, me mostly impressed by the legs of the drummer who was looking intently at me during the first half, but then he was also reported to be looking intently at Spartacus. We walk toward Dinosaur BBQ after I choose that rather than checking out College Inn, and we get on a bus at 120th and I get off by mistake at LaSalle, and meet Spartacus at 125th in a slight drizzle. The place has moved to the southwest corner of Riverside Drive and 125th Street, which he notices: I didn't. Good ribs, noisy place, and I give $21 for my share of the dinner and my $3.50 Audience Extras charge---but I sort of miss drinking beer with the ribs. Leave at 10:55 in a heavier mist, but quick subway home and I help digest my big meal by playing a GREAT Spider 11:50PM-1:40AM, getting to 51.38323 at 666 (AGAIN!!) up after 8 wins, only 18 behind. Bed at 2AM.

FRIDAY, 4/1/11: Pee at 5:48AM and get up at 8:42AM hoping to jerk off, but find that I have no more bidis left, so I scratch that. Try to play Spartacus's DVD of "Push," but THAT doesn't work, so I watch "Noah's Ark," finding a great number of coincidences: the unidentified shot of a man with his face raised to a rainfall in the TCM Silent Movies Montage is George O'Brien in "Noah's Ark"!; the movie refers to the "sun rising over the Syrian hills," when John's debating going to Syria; and some of the flood shots are STRIKINGLY similar to the horrific shots of the tsunami overtaking fields and streets in Japan. Talk with Spartacus and look at the Internet about "Noah's Ark" afterward, and then call Rita to talk about her wedding visit to Mexico from 11:45-12:30PM. Then play Spider 12:43-1:48PM to 51.38502 to 667 up after 2 wins, now 17 behind. Catch up with this journal, including copious notes from Bear's "City at the End of Time," to 2:30PM, when I can now change the calendar page from March to April, having taken stills and MOVIES of the snow falling past my balcony this morning! Assume that Carolyn and her friend will come this evening, and that we'll still watch the program on the TV. Move the sofa and the TV cart around and connect the laptop to the TV, pleased to find that the Dubai show is still on-screen. Wash dishes, put things away, put things out, but don't feel that I have to make everyting IMMACULATE. Spider again 4:50-5:45PM, OK to 51.38669 at 668 up after 3 wins, 16 behind. Then wash and dress, assuming someone will arrive early, and phone the desk to let 5-6 people up. Back to an unlisted Taipei to pass the time until Fred rings downstairs about 6:50PM. He brings a bottle of wine for himself, and then Carolyn and Nancy arrive with bags of corn chips, M&Ms, and popcorn "for my birthday" from Carolyn. Mildred comes in with nothing. Fred pours his wine, some ask for apple juice, and finally Alexandra arrives and I order pizza at 7:15, being told it'll take 45 minutes, but it actually arrives at 7:45, more expensive than I remember at $33, and only get $15 in donations back---nothing from Fred, as he explains, because he DID bring wine. Alexandra gives a generous $10. The show goes VERY well, Alexandra giving some additional details, everyone asking intelligent questions, and it's only at 9:45PM that I notice a number of sleeping heads, though they insist they love the show. Alexandra leaves quickly, saying she wants to see the second part of the trip AND the Japanese trip. Mildred and Carolyn leave together, and Fred stays behind to finish his wine, and we chat about our diminishing sexual production: he, too, cums without ANY emission, and only clear pre-cum like glair when there IS anything, though he still says he has a fabulous sensation, agreeing, however, with me that it WAS better when the fluid shot up the shaft! He leaves about 10:30PM and I put on Ebert for uninteresting movies and then watch the replay of Bill Maher, a middling evening, while gobbling up lots of Carolyn's popcorn. Refrigerate six uneaten slices of pizza: lunches for three days! Can't resist Spider again 12:10-1:40AM, good to 51.39442 at 672 up after 5 wins, 12 behind. Bed, tired, at 2AM, without really cleaning anything up.

SATURDAY, 4/2/11: Up at 8:52AM, get the Times and glance through it on the toilet. Back to bed and up at 10:36AM, expecting a call from John at any minute about whether he's decided to go to Syria or not. Charles is also expected to call about the opera this afternoon, but neither call. Glance through the Times with breakfast and get out at 12:30PM to Monodramas at City Opera at 1:30PM: 1) John Zorn's "La Machine de l'etre," with matronly Anu Komsi, starts with a formal host and hostess (who keeps reminding me of Lois Lane) who walk among the shrouded figures on the stage, unwrapping a man in a red suit who levitates, and the woman in white who sings. It's only five minutes, which is OK, and the thought balloons, one of which bursts into dazzling orange fire, are the treat of the piece. As entreacte, Jennifer Steinkamp supplies a glorious ten-minute video of variously observed trees and branches cycling through the seasons with color and graceful movements. I look her up afterwards on Google and I wish I could have a copy of this particular masterpiece. Schoenberg's "Erwartung" (Expectation) has a sweaty Kara Shay Thomson shrill under a constant downpour of large red---snowflakes? blooddrops? fluttering pieces of fabric?---participation (to reverse Rita's nuclear notist's typo of precipitation), and the action appears to move backward as she stabs his resurrected body at the END of the opera. I sit and read during intermission, and the Samuel Beckett "Neither," to Morton Feldman's "music," has only about sixty mirrored cubes descending from the ceiling to recommend it, Cyndia Sieden doing whatever she has to do to get through it. I'll be everyone's happy it's just about over. Home to read the Times, do both puzzles until about 6PM, and then watch "The Trials of Henry Kissinger" on Netflix. Play a shit Spider 10:25PM-1:45AM to 51.38687 to 669 up after 3 wins, 15 behind. Wearily to bed at 2:08AM.

SUNDAY, 4/3/11: At 8:49AM get the Times and pee, then back to bed and up at 9:37AM. Start the day with a quick Spider 9:45-10:30AM, to 51.39078 at 671 up after 3 wins, slow up to 13 behind. Decide not to have ANY breakfast, and get out at 11:20AM to arrive last at Maze for brunch with Ken and Stephanie and a VERY loud group at the very next table. My Croque Monsieur is definitely high cholesterol for $18, and they have drinks and dessert while I sip my water. To a free Handel concert at Carnegie Hall 2-3:35PM with Dorothea Roschmann, soprano, and David Daniels, countertenor, with lots of little bits, all of which, I observe, would sound better in a smaller auditorium, though Ken insists that "someone of David Daniel's importance needs the size of the hall to pay his deserved reward." Don't bother with the Times or cleaning up the apartment, though I do wash dishes. Back to Spider 5-5:45PM, to 51.39257 to 672 up after 2 wins, OK, 12 behind, and then continue to 7:30PM, OK to 51.394 at 673 up after 4 wins, 11 behind, the LEAST in this downfall from 2/15. Check e-mails to find that John sent me and Susie a note Saturday morning saying that he's decided to go, prompted partly, I think, by his "innkeeper in Damascas phoning to ask if he were coming, since the danger has been over-hyped by the press." Look through Netflix to see if they have anything interesting, and "Spartacus: Gods of the Arena" appeals to me, and I watch the first two episodes of six, even bloodier than the inaugural series. Can't resist one last Spider for the day at 12:35AM, going to 2:10 AM with up to EIGHT losses in a row, ending at 51.37888, back to the damnable 666 after 2 wins, again 18 behind. Can't remember what kept me up until 3:04AM!!

MONDAY, 4/4/11: Up at 9:57AM, writing a scrawled note of dream: "I'll take that path," and it's all SEX. John sent a second e-mail from Vienna, saying that the food, flight, and service were all great, and he's looking forward to his flight to Damascus. Have breakfast of HH's pancakes, bacon, and apples. Register for the Met Opera drawings. Start Spider for the day at 12:15-12:45PM, up to 51.38078 at 667 up after 2 wins, 17 behind. Watch "The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond" on Netflix, with an appealing Chris Evans in a last screenplay by Tennesse Williams, a commendable effort by all involved, including Meryl Streep's daughter Mamie Gummer. Spider again 3:05-3:35PM, up to 51.38267 at 668 up after 2 wins, 16 behind, and with that quick session (and with nothing in the world pressing me to do anything ELSE!) I continue at 3:35PM, recording an up at 5:25 to 51.39038 at 672 up after 6 wins, 12 behind, and press through to 7:45PM to 51.38919 at another 672 up after 5 wins, still 12 behind, and damnably continue to 9PM to 51.39135 at 673 up, after 3 wins 11 behind, the lowest in ages. Note that I played SOLID from 3:05-9PM!!! Watch "Three Dancing Slaves," recommended by Ken for the bodies, which are nice, but the THEME is unrelentingly negative. Spartacus comes over while I'm watching two more episodes of "Spartacus: Gods of the Arena," to give me four packages of LotsLess licorice, now down to $1.99 a package. Bed at 1:23AM.

TUESDAY, 4/5/11: Up at 9:26AM, delighted that I dind't have to pee during the night. Start with Spider 9:50-10:50, OK to 51.39313 at 674 up after 2 wins, at 10 behind even lower than yesterday! Call to reserve for Sunday's Games Group, and Diane has invited a friend of hers. Find that I won a ticket to Saturday's "Wozzeck" at the Met at 8PM. Hassle online with the ticket, and phone to confirm my orchestra seat. Back to Spider 12:20PM, getting up to NINE CONSECUTIVE LOSSES---I could HATE Spider after a series like that!---and end at 3:30PM AWFUL at 51.38171 at 669 up after 5 wins, 15 behind. Have the last two slices of pepperoni pizza with garlic and oregano, which leaves me so tired that I actually LIE DOWN for about an hour. Up at 6:25PM to note that the clock on the TV cart has inexplicably lost 45 minutes---is the battery running down? Fix it, and it's still accurate at 2:30PM on Wednesday. Leave for "Count Ory" at 6:55PM, not wanting to feel rushed, having phoned Charles to MAKE SURE he knows about it. Lots to read about it, mostly a recasting from "Voyage a Rheims," and Charles arrives at 7:57PM and it starts at 8:04! Florez starts very low-key, and Charles actually doesn't care for his voice at the beginning. But the two women are good, particularly in the last act, and the trio in bed is certainly noteworthy: it's SUPPOSED to be in the dark, but who COULD the third person in the bed be that the Count is so interested in fondling BUT his page??? Racking the bed up for audience display is cute. Much of the music in the first act is familiar, so it must all be recycled. OK performance, but not the best the Met has to offer. Out at 10:55PM, worried about getting home for TV, but the subway connections are perfect and I'm home at 11:30, in time to heat up a HH meal for the "Triangle Memorial" 45-minute HBO documentary that Spartacus phoned to alert me to, and then I watched the Bhutan dance performance from a temple in the extreme east of Bhutan which was destroyed, so the film concludes, during the 2009 earthquake. Forgot to note that I typed DREAMS:4/5/11 at 9:40AM this morning. Bed at 1:40AM, after applying Gold Bond Lotion to my itchy ball sack.

WEDNESDAY, 4/6/11: Pee at 6:40AM and at 9:03AM, and get up at 10:05AM, finishing a magazine while shitting. Start Spider at 10:35-11:10AM, OK to 51.38361 at 670 after 2 wins, 14 behind, then check e-mail, getting another from John with which I phone Mildred and read it to her, avoiding a demented argument with her about the dangers of being in Damascus. Heather herself calls to confirm my 11AM appointment with her tomorrow. Have breakfast, and back to Spider 11:55AM-1PM good to 51.39152 at 674 up after 5 wins, tying my lowest at 10 behind. Then type the following note: 1:05PM: Finished a second good Spider session for today, and try to order HH meals, but a "Server error" note comes up and I can't do it now. Think to watch the last two episodes of "Spartacus," but decide to update my journals, starting with NUMEROUS Spider entries for the past week. Finish that PART of the task at 1:27PM. Then catch up with my bedside notes to 1:39PM. Try HH meals again and get same error note. Finish with the journal at 2:35PM, printing out three whole pages. Check again for HH meals and it's still not working. So I phone it in, and one of THEIR computers isn't working, either. Finish that by 2:45PM---and the rest of the day until Sharon's appointment? Have lunch, do another Spider 3:15-3:25PM to 51.39341 at 675 up after 2 wins, 9 behind the LOWEST yet. Then, finally, finish reading the Sunday Times, and bundle up the papers with the VERY stretchy thin cord and take them to the recycling room. Leave with a bunch of Styrofoam to take downstairs, where one of the handymen opens the basement door and has me throw them into one of the barrels. To the library to look to find no new Bear or Bradbury books, and pick up a Turtledove as a last resort, finding no one at the check-out desk, so I'm out quickly and to Sharon's just at 4:46PM. Raining slightly on the way back home, but I delight in all the daffodils and pansies in the plots along the streets. Only a MAN invitation in the mail, so I'm up to put things away and finish transcribing Sharon's session by 6:10PM, maybe a new record on promptness. Now back to Spider, going from my most-current lowest! Start at 6:10, at 7:15 recording 675 up after 3 wins, then GOOD to 8:10, to 51.39697 at 677 up after 3 wins, to 7 behind; then GREAT to 8:55, to 51.40086 (celebrating the breakthrough to 51.4!) at 679 up after 3 wins, to 5 behind; then BETTER to 9:50 to 51.40676 at 682 up after 4 wins, only 2 behind; then RUINED at 12:30AM at 51.4036 at 681 up after 4 wins, 3 behind. Take valium at 12:42AM, worried about Dr. DiMatteo's cleaning tomorrow at 11AM, and watch "Push" for the first time, with Chris Evans not very interesting, and then BACK to Spider 2:25-3:05AM, UG, to 51.40337 at 681 up after 2 wins. Bed at 3:07AM, setting the alarm so I'll be sure to be up by 10AM to brush my teeth before seeing DiMatteo.

SHARON B. 173 4/6/11

She calls me in as I close the door to the hallway, and I tell her I was glad there wasn't a line at the library check-out desk. I said there was nothing to report on the week: didn't DO anything, nothing really HAPPENED. I really felt OLD and TIRED: maybe my 75th had some psychological effects? When I'd drag myself out of bed in the morning I'd wonder how I'd have energy on a trip, though I felt hopeful that ON a trip the excitement of travel would get me out of bed with energy. There was nothing I HAD to do, only the website work, and with lots of looking, I said that it was something that COULD NEVER BE COMPLETED, and came to the idea of breaking it into smaller pieces that I COULD complete, and feel good about completing, since she said she KNEW how discouraging it was to look at some enormous task that would NEVER be finished. Spider was wonderful because a game was either successful or not, and then I could start another one. The same applied to movies or TV shows or even trips and meals---getting into the old canard that, "I like HAVING DONE something, but not GETTING INTO doing something." I felt some relief at the idea of BREAKING UP the website "monolith" into smaller, doable, COMPLETABLE tasks. Filled her in on John's departure and three e-mails, and then settled on my COUGHING at quiet scenes in THREE operas: one was OK, two was questionable, but THREE was really MAKING a question of it: did I want ATTENTION? At the bottom line, she thought it had to do with FEAR of losing control (reminding me of my comments about fearing to piss and shit and scream if a plane on which I was flying showed signs of crashing) and recommended that I try to trace back my thoughts just before my cough-impulse. I kept saying that I didn't THINK "I'm going to cough," and then feel like coughing; I felt like coughing, and then thought, AGAIN?? I was STRONGLY reminded of my whispering "Have you seen this before?" in the first ten seconds of the transcendent overture to "Rheingold," prompting a "SHHH!" from the fellow to my left. I had, in some way, to have CHOSEN to ask the question at JUST THE WRONG TIME. Did I do it PURPOSELY? She seemed to dismiss it as satisfying an impulse of wanting to know at not-the-best time. We talked about our sensitivities about people "taking our space" on subways or restaurants by being loud, or smoking, or jostling, and she said EVERYONE felt that way, and I said I was always gratified when someone ELSE, in a theater, for example, told a candy-unwrapper to be quiet. Brought up Spartacus's insistence that I could MEDITATE my way out of my being bothered by noises "that didn't bother anyone else." But they DID! Toyed with the idea of my wanting ATTENTION because I felt I'd been wronged in the balance of attention I had to pay to OTHERS, and the attention they paid to me. Of course, I said, I liked it when someone praised my slides, or my apartment, but the APEX of it was in the LSD experience when I could say, with conviction: "ME, I AM important!" She agreed that EVERYONE liked to feel important, particularly if they had to kowtow to OTHERS a lot. Ended briefly mentioning Fred's staying after my Friday show to chat about HIS problems with orgasms and ejaculate, in the same position as I'M in, and she remarked how great it was that I had such good friends and could talk about such things with them. This went right up to the end at 5:36PM, and I hardly looked at the clock at ALL during the whole time.

THURSDAY, 4/7/11: Pee at 9:16AM, and up, exhausted, at 10:19AM. Brush teeth and get out early to DiMatteo, getting in for a thorough cleaning with a pick until about 11:45, and, wonderfully, she found no cavities. I'm greatly relieved. However, when I entered she told me that her fellow dentist's patient, who was Shelley's patient, told her that Shelley's bypass operation had gone very badly and she was in critical condition. Back home call the Kahns, getting a busy signal, so I call Shelley's brother and he tells me she had a bypass on Tuesday, then another operation on Wednesday because her heart was very weak and parts of it were not doing well. So she was put into induced sleep and is in very critical contidion. She's hanging in, and "we just don't know." I give him my phone number and tell him to please call me if anything happens. I don't hear anything more about Shelley until I call Dale on 4/25. Do a spot of Spider 12:40-1:50PM to 51.4009 at 680 up after 2 wins, and again 2:30-5PM to 51.39798 at 679 up, UGH! after 3 wins, again 5 behind. Watch the silly, unhelpful commentary on "Push," with the girl, whose name I forget at the moment, on "another channel" so she can't be HEARD. Dakota Fanning, her name is. Eat breakfast while watching it, and then lunch before meeting Spartacus at Clark Street station at 6:45 for a preview of Kathleen Turner in "High" at the Booth, interesting, but it won't be a hit since the cute guy, naked for a bit, a nice surprise, kills himself at the end. Back for dinner and possible junk TV and bed at 1:47AM.

FRIDAY, 4/8/11: Pee at 9:37AM, note DREAMS:4/8/11. Up at 10:14AM, lotioning right knee. 5:20PM: Good short day at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens: got in at 12:10PM and left at 1:30PM, starting with the daffodils at the entrance, a number of pink spindly early rhododendron trees in full blossom, a "popcorn-blossom" tree that always astounds me and I never find its name, as I still haven't found the name of the red pompoms that are still flourishing, sometimes developing into a dandelion-like globe of bright cardinal red---a male and female of which I saw, to go with the seemingly like male and female robins, and then, at the crossover, a blue jay! Outside dining that I passed up. Tried to tell myself I'd remember the sepulchral name "hellebore" for the winter ground cover, also known as Easter Rose and Christmas Rose. A lone mallard sat in the garden, moving his head minutely as I moved minutely, and then a male and female landed in the nearby five-foot-long pool and started having sex, the male completely pushing the female underwater, the female quite compliant, and then she waggled her tail feathers behind a kind of fortress of fluffed rear-body feathers, wing feathers, and bent-back head, which I (though not a mallard) thought MUST be a signal for sex, but the fellow just kept poking his head underwater to munch shoots from below, and the third kept trying to horn in, but kept getting chased out of the pool, passersby nothwithstanding. Some few crabapple trees in early tiny green leaves, but the stalky cherries had nothing of color or bud about them at all. The rose garden was still closed until May 6, but the local garden was open for the squirrels to use the log footpath rails as speedways. Not a single flower, and all the crocus from the hillsides were gone, but witchhazel was out in force, daffodils were in abundance, and the internal greenhouses had so little from outside I didn't go inside, though many of the bonsai were in bloom, and about five NEW orchids bloomed their bizarre flamboyance. Didn't see a single goldfish in the ponds, and only ONE carp floated past the walk by the Japanese garden entrance. But there WAS a dead fish curled into a circumflex by the path around the lake. Lots of groups of kids in the greenhouses also kept me out. The magnolias were out, but seemed blasted, irregular, or maybe just not full-out yet. Two early Higam Cherry trees were cheerfully in bloom. People were taking pictures, but it was cloudy and rather cool, not an ideal day for the gardens. Had a quick lunch and, though tired, went to the gym after four days. Typed up the day and then played Spider 5:30-7:20 to 50.40152 at 681 up after 3 wins, 3 behind, making out a new time-card: #56! Then, disgustingly, continued to 9:40PM and quit at 51.38498 at 673 up, a real disaster. Maybe junk TV and dinner to bed at 1:12AM.

SATURDAY, 4/9/11: 7:52AM pee and get Times, type DREAMS:4/9/11 to 8:08AM and get back to bed. Do a complete Actualism session after 12 days and get up at 9:09AM. Read the Times, do the puzzles, and start in on Spider at 12:30PM, wondering if I should continue when I stop at 1:15 at 51.39048 at 676 up after 3 wins, improving to 8 behind. Continue BADLY to 3:10PM, to 51.3918 at 677 up after 3 wins, 7 behind. Do something else, have a late lunch, and needing to waste time before leaving for "Wozzeck" I'm back to Spider 5:45-6:55PM, ending at 51.38489 at 674 up after 3 wins, BAD at 10 behind. To the opera in plenty of time, looking at the people before the intermission-less opera, and I only wish that Waltraud Meier had sung the Fricka in "Rheingold," because her voice was lovely, intensely piercing, and very compelling, unlike mediocre Stephanie Blythe. Not the most pleasant opera, but I'd only seen it once before, and it was surely worth $25. Back home to have some late dinner and get back to Spider to 3:07AM! Cursing myself for all that time to end at the same place: 51.38443 at 674 up after 2 wins, at last. Bed at 3:27AM!

SUNDAY, 4/10/11: Pee at 8:20, get the Times, type DREAMS:4/10/11, shit, and get back to bed at 9:05AM. Up at 11:45AM, getting somewhat under eight hours' sleep. Have breakfast quickly and get out to the Games Group just after 1PM, a large group that does a round of Taboo, then Charades, Piri sitting out because she'd fallen and sprained her groin. They make me re-do my title article from Scientific American about Enterobacteriaceae. Awww! I'm home to read the Times, waste time, and decide to watch the last 90 minutes of "Mildred Pierce," not thinking I'd missed much and can catch up with Spartacus's DVD. End the day with a Spider from 11:45PM-12:25AM to 51.38632 to 679 up after 5 wins, GOOD, only 5 behind. Bed at 12:35AM. Can't sleep, so I'm up at 1:19AM to j/o, cuming at 2AM, and get back to bed at 2:08AM.

MONDAY, 4/11/11: Pee at 4:48AM, TWICE. Pee again at 8:55AM. 9:13AM: Finish DREAMS:4/11/11 and want to describe my physical sensations before returning to bed. I'm slightly sweaty, as if the heat's been on in the apartment, which I know it isn't. My head aches a bit, almost as if I'd drunk too much last night, which I hadn't, or as a hangover from my orgasm at 2AM this morning, the first in maybe two weeks, which was characterized by a pleasantly copious amount of secretion of unpleasantly clear fluid. The orgasmic sensation was intense leading up to the orgasm, but disappointing in the orgasm itself, which terminated in three or four lusty sneezes. My nose is still partially stuffed. The polyp on my chest was and is still sensitive to the touch---I do hope the dermatologist burns it if I choose to leave it for another month without trying to scrub it off myself---and my chest was unduly sweaty, but the ashes on my chest from the bidi cleared off cleanly. I know I'm going back to bed, but I don't feel that more bedrest will make me feel better. I just don't feel as good as I'd like to feel. Do go back to bed, but I'm just castigating myself, so I get up and play Spider 9:25-10:40AM to 51.39491 at 679 up after 5 wins, GOOD, only 5 behind, and then push through to 11:25AM, AWFUL, just STOP, at 676 up after 3 losses. Have breakfast and try to play Spartacus's "Mildred Pierce," but it won't play on my TV or my computer, so he has mercy on me an invites me to his place to watch it. I'm almost sorry I did: I had a rather good impression of it after the last 90 minutes, but watching the whole 5.5 hours led me to the conclusion that it was just a fancy soap opera! Spartacus makes me some cheese tidbits with powdered, sweetened tea and I get home to get back to Spider 6:30-7:40PM OK to 51.39126 at 678 up after 2 wins, 6 behind, and then continue to a string of FIVE losses, ending at 8:45PM disgusted at 51.38672 at 676 up after 3 wins, BAD at 8 behind. Registered for the Met Opera drawing during the day. Then continue with Taipei from 8:45-9:35PM, and even Solitaire from 9:35-10PM. Do something un-noteworthy (I didn't make a note of it!) until I RETURN to Spider 12:40-2:10AM, CRAZY, to 51.37573 at 671 up after 2 wins, 13 behind. Bed at 2:30AM.

TUESDAY, 4/12/11: Up at 10:36AM, over eight hours with no pee! Lotion itchy scrotum. Breakfast and do whatever until Spider 1-2:30PM BAD to 51.36486 to 666 AGAIN! after 2 wins, 18 behind, disgusted! Check the Met Opera drawing to find that I'm on the waiting list for ANOTHER "Wozzeck," and they won't change me to the "Capriccio" waiting list when I call them and beg for mercy. Pile my British stamps, my American Scott catalog, and my "expensive" stock book into a bag in preparation for my Philately Group meeting at 7PM. Went down to find they'd set up three tables together with 12 chairs, and the tall employee showed me the fan switches for temperature, the light switches, and the temperature control buttons, and I thanked him for his help. Got everything together and went back to Spider 6-6:45PM to pass the time, OK to 51.36874 at 668 up after 3 wins, 16 behind. Down to put the poster on the table and read my New Yorker as I note two guys looking at the placard I placed at the door, and then finally enter to (later, at Park Plaza) introduce themselves as Richard Fier, whose parents live on 28 and told him about the meeting, and Richard brought along his friend Allan from Queens. They obviously know stamps, talking about particular issues they liked of American composers, asking for identification of the stamps on the flyer, which Richard insists on keeping, and then invites me to dinner at the Park Plaza. I agree, and I take my stuff upstairs at 7:35PM and close down the meeting room, and we're across in light rain to Park Plaza where Richard orders a cheeseburger and gives me permission to order a bacon cheeseburger, which is actually quite WONDERFUL. Toward the end, Allan orders a bagel, so I order, with permission, a strawberry cheesecake slice that's not the best. Richard invites me to his apartment, filled with Egyptian artifacts, in Concord Village. I figure I'll go sometime. Back to Spider 9:45PM-12:45AM, UG to 51.35766 at 663 up after 2 wins, all of 21 behind! Bed at 12:02AM, my note says, obviously wrong, but since I record that I take valium at 12:18AM and pee, I might have made a mistake and played Spider only until 11:45PM, mistaking the time at my desk for 12:45AM. Silly inconsistency! Took the valium because I expected FiOS to be INSTALLED on Wednesday: silly ME!

WEDNESDAY, 4/13/11: Pee at 7:16AM, reading, and back to bed at 7:46AM. Up at 8:30, resigned. Play Spider 10:25AM-12:25PM STILL awful to 51.355 at 662 up after 2 wins, 22 behind. 12:30PM: Took a valium last night to ease today, with the FiOS installation due between 9-12 this morning, but now it's 12:30 and, as Spartacus said they would, they haven't even called me from the place BEFORE me at this time. Woke feeling, well, RESIGNED: I haven't been doing anything, I'm not making any progress, but I looked back and found that I only saw "Comedy of Errors" twice back in the 60s, so I called him and he got me a second ticket, and I'm to meet him at 6:45---providing FiOS arrives and is FINISHED by then! To make the day easier, Sharon postpones this afternoon's session to Friday at 4:15PM. Call Verizon at 1:10PM to find they have NO RECORD OF MY CALL ON 3/30/11, scheduling installation today! Talk to Kevin in Suffolk County and he tries to placate me, saying it wasn't Ms. Davis's fault probably, but something in the system transferring my data from out of town. I'm STILL pissed! Go through all the data again, being told that HBO is $16.99/month, not $11.99, which is the Cinemax price. At 1:25 he puts me on hold, and is back at 1:32 to say that "Something DID come up, just bear with me for a moment." Then at 1:41, with awful "hold" music irritating me, he comes back to say that he'll have to call me BACK, since something is wrong with their SYSTEM, not with my account. I have lunch and wait until 3:15, and then record a message that I'll be back at 5PM and get to the gym, which I MUST do since it's now FIVE days since I've been there. Back at 5 to find NO call back from Verizon. At 5:20 Kelley calls, Spartacus having called her to get his "Share the Network" reference code to give him and me $50 for this reference, and telling her my problem, and SHE checks my account to find, STILL, that nothing's been done. I'm VERY impatient, saying that I'm STILL holding out hope that Kevin has recorded my request and will get back to me tomorrow. I just DON'T want to go through the request a THIRD time, TWICE on the same DAY!! She says she understands. Meet Spartacus for "Comedy of Errors," picking up the tickets at Pace while he shops at Lot-Less, getting me the last two packets of licorice at $1.99 each. The play moves quickly without an intermission, some of the speeches incoherent, some of the comedy embarrassingly telegraphed with slapstick pratfalls and double takes, and it's just not a very good play with its UNBELIEVABLY stupid characters who INSIST on being confused for the purpose of the plot. But I saw it and was as disappointed as I thought I'd be. A small audience for a small play. Back to have dinner, eat a whole packet of licorice, and watch "Love and Other Drugs" with Jake Gyllenhall sexy in his near-frontal nakedness, but, like the Shakespeare, it's not really convincingly believable. Bed at 2:20AM.

THURSDAY, 4/14/11: Pee at 9:03AM and up at 9:33AM. Do whatever, and get to Spider at 12:05PM, playing to 12:35 an UG session to 51.35433 at 662 up again, still 22 behind, then continue OK to 1:45PM to 51.35809 at 664 up after 4 wins, advancing to 20 behind. Don't feel like doing anything useful, so I turn on Netflix (after indulging in Taipei 1:45-2:40PM) and watch the last two episodes, #5 and 6, of "Spartacus: Gods of the Arena," where the bearded whoever shaves and becomes the hunk of the subsequent series. Then watch four episodes of "30 Rock" and lots of short videos, just to have something to do. Keep hitting myself for not catching up with my journals. Back to Spider 11:25PM, getting to SIX losses at 12:40AM, and finish FUCKABLY at 1:15AM at 51.35135 at 661 after, at last, 3 wins, 23 behind. Will I never catch up? Will I never STOP?? Bed 1:38AM.

FRIDAY, 4/15/11: Up at 9:29AM, and do the minimum I have to do for the gorilla program tonight. Much time over the past week was spent almost PLEADING (which makes me---and them, I guess---VERY unhappy) with people to come to the show. Piri says she feels well enough to come, and Mildred says she'll come if Spartacus doesn't cancel, which is a switch. Doug calls to say he can't make it, as did Alexandra and the Kahns and Carolyn and Stephanie. Play Spider (THAT AT LEAST I CAN TOTALLY CONTROL!!!) 9:55-11:05AM OK to 51.3572 at 664 up after 4 wins, 20 behind. Have breakfast, I guess, and return to Spider 11:55AM-1:30PM, UG to 51.35676 at 664 up after 2 wins, still 20 behind. Maybe talk on the phone with Charles about his having to stay home for almost-blind Bill, and I criticize him for spending his LIFE for someone ELSE, having the gall to suggest that when Bill dies he'll be obliged to DIE WITH HIM! I then have to apologize to him, and moan about it to Spartacus and Mildred, and then return to Spider 2:20-3:30PM OK to 51.3604 at 666 up (YET AGAIN!) after 4 wins, 18 behind. Then, inexorably, continue to 4PM to 51.36228 at 667 up after 2 wins, 17 behind. That, of course, prevents me from going to the gym today. Then to Sharon's session until 5PM, and back to finish my preparations for the evening, changing clothes just as Piri comes in at 6:45, having made better connections than she thought she would. Spartacus and Mildred follow by 7PM, and when Fred doesn't show up I'm panicked by other mistaken dates, so I phone him at 7:05PM to make sure he has the right date, and am just about to start when he arrives, apologetic, at 7:15PM, bringing a bottle of wine which Mildred and Piri share. Order only one pizza, which arrives at 7:55, right at the start of the gorilla section, and we eat every last bit of it, maybe some wanting even more. I had my two slices, then cutting up the last two pieces into smaller pieces and giving the last of the last to Fred, who'd had lunch at the Beard and said he was still full. He didn't eat some of his crust---the crust! It goes VERY quickly, too quickly for Spartacus to sleep except at the VERY end, when he insists on my going back so that he can SEE the ones he missed. All say they loved the show. I catch Ebert at 10:30 and Bill Maher at 11 and get to bed at 12:34AM.

SHARON B. 174 4/15/11

By coincidence, on 4/15, my makeup session this Friday is at 4:15PM. Slope in logily and say the operating word for now is "resignation." This is my life; I might not like it, but it's here to stay. No dreams to report, physical weakness and fatigue, no great traumas existing except for excessive Spider and innumerable movies and junk-time TV. I dutifully bitched about my botched FiOS installation, my depression about herding the reluctant cats to my gorilla-show this evening, and yet, somehow, at base, I'm really quite content: I AM doing what I want to do when I want to do it, even though I haven't yet divided the website into separable tasks that are accomplishable, and what I'm doing is mostly trying to improve my Spider score to what it was back on 2/15. Tell her about John's adventures in Syria, Shelley's coma (and Sharon sympathizes with my sorrow), Carolyn's bed-rest, and Charles's Bill's blindness and Charles's self-effacing devotion which I keep trying to change and which even Sharon suggests is HIS choice, and he won't change just because I don't agree with his choice, as both Mildred and Spartacus have pointed out. At some point, she suggests that I have nothing to LOOK FORWARD TO, and that seems to be an important point; since I have nothing that MUST be done, I really don't WANT to do much of anything. Since it's taken me five days to get around to transcribing this, I don't remember much more, beside the fact that I glanced at the bookshelf in her outer office and she said I could take the Koontz "Odd Hours" to read.

SATURDAY, 4/16/11: Pee at 8:19AM, do a good Actualism session, and get up at 10:07AM. Outlook Express gives me Susie's REPLY to John's e-mail from Friday, but not John's e-mail ITSELF! So after breakfast and the Times I call Verizon and go to from 12:25-1:20PM, getting them to move the "reply" window back onto the screen in Chat ID 04161192638, telling me to "wait another 24 hours to see if I get John's e-mail." Then go to the gym until 3PM, and get out in the rain to MAN, pissed when changing to the R train at 42nd Street which then runs on the F track, so instead of letting me off at 3rd and 59th, just a block from the meeting, it takes me to Lexington and 63rd, so I get good and wet walking to the bar. Steve's not there, the bartender snubs me for giving him ONLY a ticket for my tonic, and the food's not very good: ham, chicken, pasta, fish, and no one's very attractive, so I leave after just about an hour. Call Marj, Mildred, and Spartacus with John's e-mail. Then I guess I read the Times and do the puzzles and decide that I will tell the people who want to see the gorillas that THEY should come up with two dates THEY can make it, and THEN I'll call the others to see if THEY can make it. List 1) Doug, 2) Stephanie, 3) Alexandra, 4&5) Kahns, 6&7) Carolyn and Nancy, and 8) Charles. FUCKEM! Get to Spider only at 9:50PM, pausing at 10:25 to record an OK 51.36415 at 668 up after 2 wins, 16 behind, again OK at 10:55 at 51.36603 at 669 up after 2 wins, 15 behind, but then at 11:45PM an UG at 51.36371 at 668 up after 2 wins, 16 behind again. Get to bed at 1:02AM.

SUNDAY, 4/17/11: Up at 2:28AM to j/o, cun at 3:25, not very satisfactorily, and back to bed at 3:50AM. Pee and get the Times at 8:50AM. Up, tired, at 10:38AM. Read the Times, but STILL don't feel like doing anything constructive, dishes from Friday still in the sink, so I finish reading Dean Koontz's "Odd Hours," not that good. Watch the Netflix "Hereafter," with Matt Damon falling for Cecile de France, who almost died in the Malaysian tsunami (great effects!), but it's not that interesting aside from that. Thank goodness it didn't have a commentary track. Can't resist a Spider 4-5:25PM OK to 51.36536 to 669 up after 2 wins, 15 behind. Then watch my DVD taping of "Basquiat: Radiant Child," a 90-minute special on Channel 13, and then surf to find an intriguing title "The Mysterious House of Dr. C" and tune in to find that it's "Coppelia"!! With a cute Caj Selling from the Danish Ballet as the guy and some unknown ballerina as the Swanilda/Coppelia. Lavish production and quite a nice accidental find! Then stay up at midnight to watch the 1921 "Camille" with Rudolph Valentino at 25 and Nazimova at 45. Hope that it's only the 85 minutes my only reference movie-book lists, but it goes to 92 minutes and I'm in bed at 2:08AM.

MONDAY, 4/18/11: Pee at 7:10AM and get up at 9:19AM. Really determined to GET THINGS DONE! So I start a did-list, starting with my "daily Spider fix" from 11:35AM-12:45PM OK to 51.3691 to 671 up after 4 wins, GOOD to 13 behind. Talk to Spartacus to 1:30, wash Friday's dishes to 1:45, leave word with the Kahns asking if they know anything about Shelley, and finish the Sunday Times at 2:30PM. Ken calls to recommend "Peter and the Starcatcher" on W. 4th Street at 2:40, and when I finally check on Wednesday for tickets, they're all sold out. Finish lunch at 3:10PM, and that's the last item I put on my "good intentions for today" did-list. Spider 3:15-4:25 OK to 51.37081 at 672 up after 2 wins, 12 behind. Then looked into Netflix and found they have 56 or so episodes of "Doctor Who," and I start watching, and they're GOOD, and I watch three episodes with great delight---a USEFUL way to waste time, having lunch with one of them! Then, DAMN!, back to Spider 8-9:45PM to 51.36799 to 671 up after 4 wins, obviously a POOR run, 13 behind. Out to the Great Wall to get egg foo yung, still great for $9, and they SAY they're open 24 hours!! Then finish the day with Spider 10:50PM-12:05AM to 51.37581 at 675 up after 5 wins, GREAT, only 9 behind, and can't resist my good luck to continue to 1:45AM to 51.38339 to 679 up after 6 wins, even greater, only 5 behind. Bed 1:58AM.

TUESDAY, 4/19/11: Pee at 9:15AM and up at 10:10AM. Start right in on Spider 10:15-11:20AM, GAA! to 51.38306 at 679 up after 2 wins, 5 behind. Then do work with Verizon In-Home Agent from 11:20AM-1PM as described in COMPCHRO:4/19/11. Hungry for breakfast, I talked to Marj until 1PM, ate, and then called her back, but FORGOT that I did so, so that I had to check with her to find that I actually HAD called her back. Spider 2-2:30PM, OK to 51.38492 at 680 up after 2 wins, 4 behind, encouraging me to continue to 4:30PM, UG to 51.3782 at 677 up after 3 wins, 7 behind. Then go LONG to 7:25PM to 51.38171 to 679 up after 6 wins, coming back to 5 behind. Stop for a late lunch, then back 7:55-9:20PM, TIRED, to 51.36378 at 670 up after 4 wins, terrible session leaving me 14 behind. Then, STUPID, continue to 11:50PM to not even record score, but noting that I spent 10:25 on Spider today! Then play TAIPEI (not enough games yet?) from 11:50PM to 1:10AM. Bed at 1:30AM.

WEDNESDAY, 4/20/11: Pee at 8:01AM, type DREAMS:4/20/11, noting, of course, that the dream was about me, in the body of an old man. Do a great Actualism and get up at 9:14AM, determined to do a "Where Am I Now?" page. Check that my weight is 203-204, down a bit from almost 210 after over-eating, and check that I haven't won anything in the Met Opera Lottery this week. Clear up the apartment of mail and STUFF to 9:40, and then finish "Where Am I Now?" at 10:20AM. Breakfast to 10:40, and count that I have NINETEEN cards left on my desk to put into the journal. Phone Spartacus at 10:43, but he's still sleeping and will call me back. Finish typing the 4/15 Sharon session at 10:58AM. Call Marj to find that I HAD called her yesterday, and she tries to help me with the chronology of my garbled notes on Verizon In-Home Agent. I read her John's new e-mail, saying that I'd been to the Crusader Castle in Syria, but then got out my IBM Round-the-World journal to find 1) it's in a terrible mess, and 2) I had NOT gone to the Krak des Chevaliers. Check other travel journals to find that I'd toured the Kerak Castle in JORDAN on the way back from Petra, and that I'd gone to another Crusader Castle in RHODES and MALTA. Spartacus calls back and we talk to 11:37. Play Spider 11:38AM-1:15PM, OK to 51.37715 at 673 up after 4 wins, 11 behind. Marj calls AGAIN. I call Mildred and read her John's e-mail to 1:45. Then go to the gym to 3:15, return to have a late lunch, and get out to Sharon 4:45-5:30. Look at mail, then back to Spider 6:35-8PM, when I watch two programs on Channel 13, one about Fawcett's hunt for the Golden City of Z in the Amazon, where he went with his son, and, it appears, his son's lover, and all three vanished. Return to Spider 9:50-10:25, good to 51.37715 at 678 up after 2 wins, 6 behind, thus encouraged to continue, but I should have STOPPED, since 11:05 gets me only to 51.37901 at 679 up after 2 wins, 5 behind. Then, madly, push through to 1:15AM, SHOULD HAVE STOPPED, to 51.37845 at 679 up after FIVE wins, to stay five behind after an awful string of losses. Then Google Fawcett stuff 1:30-2:10AM! Bed at 2:15AM, slightly dizzy from Spider.

WHERE AM I NOW? 4/20/11

GOT to do this now, at 9:30AM, for the first time in AGES, prompted by the dream that implied *I* am this other-life substitute, leading me to evaluate what I've been doing, what I WILL be doing, and to summarize it in areas now:
A) Life: 1) GOT to lose weight: for the past two weeks I've been indulging in a) BAGS of licorice at a sitting, b) TWO jars of peanut butter, c) REMAINS from my slide parties of M&Ms, corn chips, and other junk foods, and my weight bloomed to near 210, but without dinner last night I'm down to 203-204 this morning; 2) GOT to clear my desk of notes from the past two weeks: just haven't been journaling ANYTHING; 3) GOT to do other things on my list today: a) gym, b) check Met-list (no operas won this week), c) call Spartacus about Ken's play "Peter and the Starcatcher," for which title I i) cleared up the kitchen, ii) cleared up the living room, and iii) cleared up lots of my desk-notes, including emptying my wastebasket, and iv) continued with my did-list, d) call Gorilla-people about new date-setting scheme, e) call Marj about not calling back yesterday, f) type Friday's Sharon session; 3) GOT to check Don O'Shea's website construction. B) Coffee-table piles: at a new maximum, but most still fetching, now dividable into three sections: a) Long-term: 1) slide scans, 2) website, 3) MTP, 4) Facebook, 5) tooth whitener; b) Mid-term: 6) Form 5500, 7) OAT-Turkey payment, 8) ASME index; 9) Building 7 "church"; c) Art-term: 10) Met Museum, 11) Ligon at Whitney, 12) Mark Morrisroe; d) Short-term: 13) Richard's Egyptian apartment, 14) Verizon gift-card, 15) FiOS installation, 16) John's e-mails, 17) Keogh cash balance, 18) Visa-bill checking. C) Life-work areas: when I get the SHIT (to quote Marj) out of the way, I can start on LIVING, with 1) MTP additions and trip-request, 2) Facebook for activities and website pushing, 3) website work, 4) apartment work: a) continuing travel-pile reductions, b) ultimate books-on-shelves, souvenirs-behind-mirrors switch, with associated exhaustive printed contents lists. Whew: got THAT out of the way; now for BREAKFAST!

SHARON B. 175 4/20/11

Return Koontz's "Odd Hours," which Sharon said SHE started reading and didn't like it enough to even finish it, though a friend recommended it, and she agreed with me that it seemed rather childish. I said that this had been another week of doing nothing, but I had an INCREDIBLY vague dream, as if watching a movie, and when I described it, she asked what I thought about the "spoon position" that I described, and I said it was wonderful, it didn't even have to show love, it just showed support and acceptance and agreeableness, and that was all very nice: I'd like to have it, but I don't have much faith in my getting it. I said I was looking forward to the warm weather for walking around for exercise, and she REPEATED what she'd said last time, that I really should find something EXCITING to do, or look forward to. I mentioned that I'd gotten the beginning of my ONLY indexing job this year, and wasn't even looking forward to doing THAT. AND hadn't started partitioning website duties into "accomplishable section." But I DID mention the from Don O'Shea, who introduced me to Tolkein, Barth, Douglas Adams, and someone else, not to mention shifting my small-audience shows to my television set. SHE remarked that she knew about "" which made it easy to take patterns and insert pictures and captions, and I said that THIS might get me interested in the website again, since I'D be doing it, rather than giving it to Tris to do, and I'd be learning (and challenged) in doing it. I reiterated my "acceptance that this was the rest of my life," and theorized that I WASN'T getting to do things because "then I'd figure I had all the time in the world to do it," and not the "holding off before orgasm because it felt so great" that it might have been before. Mentioned John's e-mails, Shelley's unchanging coma, the Kahns not even calling me back yet. WOULD do things if I had to, and I jokingly repeated that I'd transcribed FRIDAY'S session only this MORNING, since I said that I HAD to do it before THIS session, and I felt that I had to "do something" on Wednesdays as sort of preparation for these sessions, which she was amused by. She AGAIN almost insisted that I FIND something to interest me, and at least I said I was going to the library in the hopes of finding a BOOK that I could absorb myself in, now that I've satisfied myself that I can endlessly watch Netflix's "Doctor Who" for all 56 or so episodes, which are quite good, though she'd never heard of it. Managed to get through to 5:30 without too many awkward pauses, chattering all the while, describing my "new rule" that Charles call ME for "the time for doing anything" AND my new method of ensuring that people WANT to set a date for my next gorilla show. Said that I felt in a "holding pattern" until the beginning of May, when John gets back from Syria, my FiOS is installed (where everything is breaking down, and SHE described the pixillation of her TV service north of Westchester), and maybe something changes with Shelley. But I DID go to the gym today, and she again expresses delight over my FORCING myself to go just in order to SHOWER when I need to. Said we'd meet next week as I left, warm in the already air-conditioned office.

THURSDAY, 4/21/11: Pee at 8:22AM and type DREAMS:4/21/11. Up, anxious about spam, at 9:15AM, see COMPCHRO:4/21/11. Spider 10:23-11:23AM GREAT to 51.38229 to 681 up after 3 wins, only 3 behind, lowest since 4/6. Have breakfast, and then proofread IBM Round-the-World to 2:25PM! Back to Spider 2:25-4:45PM, at LAST to 51.39181 at 686 up after 6 wins, 2 AHEAD, but it was at 51.4697 back on 2/15. Then watch "Cloverfield" twice, which I finally decide I'd seen the last part of earlier this year, but didn't record. Stupid movie, with stupid director's commentary. Finish just in time to watch "La Fanciulla del West" on high-definition Channel 13 with Deborah Voight good enough in a mediocre opera which, amazingly, Puccini said was his FAVORITE composition! Definitely hear strains of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Music of the Night" from "Phantom of the Opera." Bed at 11:50PM, early for a change.

FRIDAY, 4/22/11: 6:50AM: ENERGIZED! Peed at 5:09AM, noting DREAMS:4/22/11, and then at 5:40, brain a-buzz, noted 1) Verizon in-home agent SLOWED Outlook Express?, 2) look at Sharon's to session (check back to find that I HAD included it), 3) look at Don's as Sharon's site?, 4) START\zolnerzone? 5) pee again at 5:43AM, 5:54AM: 6) why Adobe updates never WORK? 6:13AM: ENERGIZED---want to proclaim Zolnerzone on FACEBOOK and "jump in" and see what happens!! Up to LOOK at Zolnerzone from Google (finding Carolyn's blog from 2006 to which I added the first comment!), and I COULD just throw it into the world AS IS, though I make an addition to the correction list asking Tris if the site map could have COLORS on the bars: for instance 1) black = nothing here yet, 2) blue = cold, spotty entries, 3) red = hot, mostly finished. Also noted that Visuals, Adventures, and Cultural pages still have references to Then pee again, and dress, and look at sunrise bright, still south of the Witness's building, and figure to at least catch up with THIS part of the journal by 6:58AM before having breakfast and seeing---oh, let's try looking at NOW! 7:03AM: Set up an account as and find that the sitebuilder is $11.95/month, so I don't go that far---yet! Now to check out Don's site more fully. 7:10AM: Outlook Express does "pop message" after a minute, and Verizon has no new messages. True? Back to Don's site. 7:52AM: Great site, looked about about 1/3, then tried for 40% off, but it didn't come up when I tried to register again. Hungry for breakfast! Then back to Verizon In-Home agent at 8:37AM and finished that by typing COMPCHRO:4/22/11 to 10AM. EXHAUSTING! Kept Mildred, Spartacus, and Marj up to date with John's seventh e-mail, deciding to print all of them, and then phoned them back when I got a SECOND one today. Then spent HOURS trying to get IBM Round-the-World into good enough shape to put on the website, phoning Tris to leave a message, and left at 7PM to see "Picked," which Spartacus recommended at the Vineyard, but when they only had one seat left, he gave it to ME. By coincidence, the "hero" of "Cloverfield" was in it---interesting enough, but disappointing UNTIL I got home and it dawned on me that he wasn't "CHOSEN" by being picked, he was "CONSUMED, EATEN AS AN APPLE PICKED FROM A TREE," and then discarded, an interesting idea. Bed at 1:31AM Saturday, maybe after reading another of Stephen King's stories.

SATURDAY, 4/23/11: Wake with painful cramps in both shins before I get up to pee at 5AM. Record a fragment of a dream in DREAMS:4/23/11. Get Times at 9:09AM and up at 9:46, questioning a mosquito bite on my left inner wrist, and later another on the outside edge which I get out the anti-itch lotion to ease the crazy itchiness. Do about 30 minutes of unscored Spider to 51.38556 to 683 up after 0 wins. Have breakfast and look at a bit of the Times. 12:22PM: Decide to try to get some of the 25 cards OFF the desk, finding that I've not entered anything for TWELVE days; decide that THIS takes priority over the Saturday Times, starting with the Spider cards (4 of the 21): the most tedious, the most time, the most time WASTED, at 12:23PM. But, looking at the clock as I start back on 4/6 with Spider scores, it's 12:26PM and I have to LEAVE to meet Spartacus for "Seance" at 1:15!! We get seats on the side of about the eighth row, far enough away from the supertitles to see them easily. Lauren Flanagan is impressive, but I can't decide whether the piece is more Broadway or more Metropolitan Opera; but it certainly doesn't deserve the roasting the critics gave it. I wonder how the movie ended: here she kills the kidnapped girl and her phantom son lures her to what appears to be her own death. Sort of debated going to the gym today, since it's closed tomorrow, but get involved in whatever---maybe trying to get all the cards on my desk ORGANIZED so that I can TYPE them! Putting the IBM Round-the-World, which I just checked that I finished at 5:55PM yesterday, aside. Then joined Spartacus tonight in seeing "The Normal Heart," which I said was depressing, and was again reminded how much it was mostly just Larry Kramer WHINING about wanting more recognition despite being a total asshole. Bed at 1:35AM.

SUNDAY, 4/24/11: At 7:55AM I pee, get the Times, and type DREAMS:4/24/11. Pee again, put anti-itch on my wrist, blow my nose, take notes, and up at 11:20AM to j/o, cuming at 12:15, and watching Channel 13 to 1PM. Breakfast to 2PM watching my recording of Ebert. Read the Times and catch up to 3PM. Spider 3-4PM GOOD to 51.39136 at 686 up, the highest, after 3 wins. Sort cards more to 4:20 and talk to Marj to 5PM. Read John's new e-mail to Marj, Mildred, and Spartacus to 5:30. Confuse myself by looking at 2010 dreams to 5:45PM. Type to 6 and broil ham for two sandwiches for "lunch." Watch Spartacus's recording of "Rediscovering Alexander Hamilton" for two hours, and then watch "Cinema Verité," reconstructing the "first reality series" with the Loud family. Somehow the time just goes and I get to bed at 11:42PM.

MONDAY, 4/25/11: 3:31AM: Up to type DREAMS:4/25/11, pee, see that it's 60 outside, and back to bed at 3:52AM. Up at 9:37AM. Shit and read magazines and start Spider at 10AM, interrupted by a call from a near-hysterical Marj, saying that she just bought a new adapter, which had been broken since mid-November. I congratulate her. Back to Spider 10:45-11:10AM, ending at 51.38905 at 685 up after 2 wins, somewhat messed up. Register for the Met Opera Lottery later today. At 11:50AM I phoned OAT to pay the balance for the Turkey trip with a credit card, forfeiting a $50 reduction, but earning $70 by paying the $3500 with my 2% payback visa card. I phoned Dale Kahn 12-12:10PM to find that Shelley had "come out of coma on Friday or Saturday, but was put back into induced sleep. It's touch and go, will call if anything changes." Back to Spider (on a new card, #59) 12:15-1:15PM, UG to 51.38871 at 685 up after 2 wins. Watch "Inside Job" twice, and really appreciated the longer interviews, which were actually clearer than the edited ones in the movie itself. Truly a disgusting bunch of people who brought down the economic system of the world and have so far been totally exonerated of any blame or repayment. Spider again 11:40PM-12:45AM UG to 51.38629 at 684 up after 2 wins. Have no idea where the rest of the day went. Type a note "in tomorrow" at 12:46AM. Bed at 1AM.

TUESDAY, 4/26/11: 12:46AM: ANOTHER day without updating my journal! All good intentions, shot to hell by watching "Inside Job" twice and VERY informative extra interviews at the end. Then couldn't resist Spider from 11:40PM-12:45AM to 51.38629 at 684 up, steadily losing ground! NOW to get to BED, having sent off the Netflix film without calling Spartacus to say he should really see it. Let's see what I'll be getting next. Pee at 6:28AM and read and back to bed at 7:25AM. Record a Spider session 7:55-8:25AM as a DISASTER to 51.37588 at 679 up after 0 wins. Do a good Actualism session and wake at 11:15AM with totally incredible DREAMS:4/26/11 and type this: 11:37AM: Woke with a VERY REAL sense of losing my mind: tingles in my inner left thigh remind me of my gorilla hematoma, and I find myself dwelling on the idea that I'm dying, or maybe tuning into Shelley's dying at this moment. Think of Dale's vagueness, Mildred's discussion about being ready to die, Charles's problems of tending to the now-blind Bill, Spartacus's slowness on stairs and getting out of chairs, and I think I might be dying. Or losing my mind, because I have an image of a movie hero lying on his bed listening to a recording---and now the memory comes back that it was a recording of Dickens---of a reading, and I have NO IDEA what movie, however recent, this may have been. Have to look at my calendar to see "Hereafter" and think it MIGHT have been Matt Damon (brought to mind since he narrated the "Inside Job" which I watched twice last night before bed), and only as I was TYPING did the name Dickens come back, with the certainty that it was that movie---whoops! NO! THAT movie was a chapter of "Doctor Who"!! But Damon DID, I think, talk about Dickens in "Hereafter" TOO! Typed that to 11:45AM, a verbal shit, and then took a physical shit. Breakfast and then back to Spider 12:20-5:10PM INCREDIBLE to 51.40497 at 694 up after SIXTEEN wins, almost tying my record of 18 wins. It just went, and went, and went, with a pause to pick up my HH meals. Almost five hours steady. Got another e-mail from John that I read to Mildred and Marj at 5:30, and then I was determined to catch up with journal entries at 6PM. Sharon calls to postpone tomorrow's session to Friday. Had lunch and tackled the journal entries until I caught up with ELEVEN journal days. 10:27PM: Printed 6 pages and caught up from Friday 4/8 to Monday 4/18, exhausting! But GOT to stop, even though I'd LOVE to keep up my momentum and finish. At least I'm working on ONLY LAST WEEK! Ended up having a can of Progresso cream of chicken with wild rice soup before getting to bed at 12:44AM---and I'm pretty sure THIS was the evening I digested my dinner by reading a Stephen King novelette.

WEDNESDAY, 4/27/11: Rouse myself at 12:54AM to make a list for Verizon for my next In-Home Agent: 1) I want Outlook Express BACK, 2) make the black square vanish, 3) get Bing out and put Verizon back on Internet Explorer, 4) Why is the Verizon e-mail printed off the screen? 5) Why wouldn't Outlook Express "receipt" Verizon? 4:30AM: Remove bridge, pee, and note on the back of the card the first of DREAMS:4/27/11. Pee at 5:50 and note SECOND dream. At 7:18AM pee and type THIRD dream. Pee AGAIN at 7:30AM and back to BED. Actualism until 8:29AM. 8:42AM: Start a Wednesday did-list: 1) Type another Where Am I Now? to 8:53AM. 2) Determine to CHECK Verizon chat-history and LIST for new Verizon chat. 3) Check Verizon e-mail to 9AM, another from John! 4) Read it to Mildred to 9:10AM. 5) Breakfast and Mildred-argue to 9:55. 6) Fuss with non-working HH meals to 10:01. 7) Finish HH meals at 10:30. 8) Pee AGAIN at 10:35. 9) Look at notes, and to Verizon In-Home Agent at 10:55AM. See COMPCHRO:4/27/11. Off at 3PM and have trouble catching up with printing out John's recent e-mails: Verizon cutting off edges, Outlook Express losing some, Verizon having some in the spam file, and THAT takes to 4PM. Talk to Marj to 4:30, and to Charles to 4:50. Do some unrecorded Taipei and Solitaire because the computer mess MESSED UP MY MIND. Finally decide to watch episodes 4-8 of "Doctor Who," really quite entertaining, and Spartacus later says that it had a great reputation for quality on the BBC. Bed 1:10AM.

WHERE AM I NOW? 4/27/11

Finish a dynamite Actualism session at 8:29AM, check that I have 30,000+ Machin British stamps counted, and multitudinous other areas beseige my mind: A) get a company to digitize my camcorder tapes, rather than trying to update Pinnacle and doing them myself; B) get started on finding a company to digitize my 8000+ travel slides; C) think to find a gay company to which to send my many, many male porn and "art" slides for digitization; D) my stamp collection resolves into many smaller tasks: 1) count and update Machin list, 2) start a "total" computerized list for each country, in Scott 2008 Catalog order, so that I can see, for example, United States in: a) album, b) plastic drawers, c) duplicate glassine envelopes, d) cover collection, e) folders apart from above, f) newly soaked off torn envelopes, g) stockbooks, h) looseleaf stockpages, i) other to-be-determined places, 3) a "valuable" list for John after I die; E) Spider hours totaled for my "mental vacation" madnesses; F) finish my current journal entries; G) use the Spring day today to see some gallery; H) get "next" DVD from Spartacus to watch; I) print latest of John's Syria e-mails; J) call OAT to find how they're talking about getting Syria visas; K) have breakfast and start my day properly, like by dressing and washing my face now at 8:54AM. Also pleased that, with Sharon's postponing today's session to Friday, I have ANOTHER totally unstructured day to FINISH THIS FUCKING JOURNAL!

THURSDAY, 4/28/11: 7:57AM: noted a trivial dream: Yoko Ono auctions John Lennon's pieces of work, having to agree than her infant son gets out the EXACT sum they get here. Pee. 8:05AM: Phone rings and I leap out of bed to get Edgardo saying, "I pushed the wrong button, how are you?" "All OK, including John in Syria." "All is abnormal here," he jokes. Up at 8:51AM. Spider session from noon to 12:50PM, GOOD to 51.41075 to 497 up after 4 wins. 1:13PM: TRIUMPH! Lying in bed this morning I thought, "What WAS that "citrixlog" file that I noticed in c:\documen...\bobzolnerzak\locals.. yesterday, COULD they be logs of my Verizon In-Home Agent use? So I checked at 1PM this afternoon---and they ARE: starting in 9/29/10 and 11/22/10, they then include 2011 dates: 4/14, 4/16, 4/19/, 4/21, 4/22, and two for 4/27, with TIMES! Call Marj for five minutes to crow in triumph! Then notice INCREDIBLE rainclouds out window, and take pictures only to have "battery empty" so empty that the camera wouldn't even shut off, so I'm back to recharge those batteries, having put in other almost-dead batteries to at least shut the camera off. That goes to 1:30PM, raining now. Back to journals to 1:50PM, when it stops raining, so I decide to get to the gym after only THREE days. Back to get the news from Dina or Tina that Shelley has died this morning. Call Marj, Dr. DiMatteo, and then Carol Tannenbaum (we talk about our travels) and Sharon call me. I play Taipei for about an hour, and then Solitaire for about an hour, unrecorded, just to DO it. Then at 7:45PM decide to get back to the journal, looking out the window at the pink cloud-bottoms just after sunset. The humidity is gone and it's pleasant with the window slightly ajar. Work and work on journal and COMPCHRO and DREAMS until finishing in the middle of 4/26, finished with EIGHT MORE journal days, but now at 11PM hungry for dinner! Find that I have a DVD scheduled for 12:30AM, so there's not enough time to play my Netflix "King's Speech," so I have dinner of a Progresso beef soup while finishing up a New Yorker Magazine and getting to bed at 12:22AM.

FRIDAY, 4/29/11: Pee at 7:43 and type DREAMS:4/29/11. Pee again and back to bed at 7:58. Think to do Actualism, but up at 8:40 to look at my will, take Shelley off as my second contingent executor, and add my NYL annuity, which leads me to a letter saying my contract is being sent, but I never got it, so I call them and ask for a replacement at 9:15AM. Look at will material until Mildred calls me back 9:50-10:15AM to hear of Shelley's death and argue about her negative view of the universe versus my positive view of the universe. Call Charles at 10:50AM and we agree to meet at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens at 2PM for the cherries and magnolias, but in time for me to get to Sharon at 4:30PM. Go out to the bank to deposit two checks and FORGET TO GET CASH! Get three more books from the Brooklyn Heights library. Change batteries in my camera for possible pictures at Gardens. Heather calls to chat about Shelley's death and John's adventures in Syria. Put annuity and will files back by 12:30PM---it takes AGES to do these things. REALLY MESSED UP trying to type all the data into the journal for Tuesday, 4/26. Finally get that squared away and find that I'm UP-TO-DATE with the journal, but have DREAMS and COMPCHRO to catch up with now at 1:10PM. Finish to end of page 100 of DH at 1:15PM. Then correct and RE-PRINT NL 31---this IS bordering on madness now at 1:23PM. But decide to leave COMPCHRO for later and leave about 1:30 for the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. The 3-line suddenly goes express from Atlantic to Franklin Avenues, so I have to get off at Atlantic and wait for the next train: had hoped to arrive before 2PM but actually only got there at 2:10, with the delay, but Charles isn't there yet anyway; he shows up, panting, at 2:15, saying that he asked the guy next to him if he should stay on to Franklin from Atlantic and the idiot told him yes. So Charles had to WALK back, he said, from Franklin! The cherries are glorious right at the entrance, with lots of daffodils, and he loves the just-past-prime yellow magnolia just inside the entrance. Tiny bits of azalea are out, and there's an echo of the very early pink rhododendrons I saw three weeks ago, and we wonder about the "interrupted fern" that seems to have high-flying flowers. One or two early lilac blossoms smell JUST like lilac, but the wisteria isn't out yet (except, later, on a BONSAI!), and we bemoan the hewn willow at the entrance to the rock garden. I look for hyacinth to show Charles another smeller, but the next one I see is only on Sharon's DESK at 4:30! As we bypass the fences dividing the central lawn, I'm almost DIZZY from hunger, so we're up to wait on the LONG line for the inefficient kitchen for two decent chili bowls and poor cornbread squares and a thirst-quenching lemonade. I order and pay with my Visa while he snares us a table where we eat quickly before going into the greenhouse, he for the bonsai, me for the orchids, taking a few pictures, too. I start dashing for the exit at ten minutes to four, and he pants along behind me as we just make a train at 4:05, which lets me off at 4:15, giving me plenty to time to get to Sharon's by 4:30. Session passes quickly and I'm home to get mail and read the beginning of Bear's "Hull Zero Three," which starts VERY unfortunately with nothing known and no great literary style to really ENGAGE the reader in the "hero"'s quandary. I have a bowl of soup while watching "The Royal Wedding" with a smarmy Barbara Walters and not-terribly-engaging William and Catherine, with the fascinators on various princesses' heads taking the attention. Watch this until 11, then an hour of Bill Maher with chaos in his group, and read more until bed at 1:10AM.