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2012 Journal

SUNDAY, 1/1/12: Pee at 7:35AM and type DREAMS:1/1/12. Do Actualism and get up at 8:55AM, slightly energized. Catch up with NOTEBOOK, making a list of digital shows, and getting a 9:50AM report from Piri that she's not interested in coming up after the Park Plaza lunch. To delay breakfast, I get back to LIFELIST 2011 at 10:08AM. Complete to 9/13/11 by 10:55AM, and talk to Spartacus 10:55-11:45, and then have breakfast, reading the Times, to 1:05. Decide to see if I can finish the LIFELIST, and I DO manage it, to 2:54PM. Dress quickly and get to Park Plaza at 3:05PM to find Mark, Diane, and Piri standing in the entranceway. We're shown to our table for seven, and Piri claims a seat with me on one side, and then Jermain shows up and she puts him to my right. Diane sits next to Jermain, and Mark sits across from me with two empty chairs to his right. We order; service is slow; water is slow to come, as is the bread tray which contains the crackers that I want to add to my lentil soup. Robin and John show up at 3:30, order, and Piri is almost finished by the time they start. Piri talks to me about Helen Frankenthaler, and I mention that Mildred, across from her Friday night, had also been greatly affected. Jermain says he has to be somewhere else, but at last says that he can afford the time to come see my apartment. We get up here about 4:35, just beginning to get dark, and John only peeks out the door and Robin remains sunk in a chair in the living room. I get ready to show the gorillas and Jermain leaves. I start with the chimpanzees, since Diane expresses interest in them as I speed past them, so I quickly go through them and the intervening shots before getting to the gorillas, which they love. Then Mark puts the light back on, but it quickly goes off, and I have to put the other low-level lights on so we can see. They start talking about my travels, so I get out the map of my journeys, and they exclaim over this and that, throwing out destinations which I've either been to or not. Somehow the conversation touches on Petra, and I say I can show THAT to them, and they want to see it. So I show that, and then I figure to take them to Mount Nemrut, and show them ONLY the approach and the statues, and then get out the books so they can find out who's who. John is fascinated by the Geez language, so I Google it and find it's spoken by an Ethiopian church that has 45 million followers! I turn to the subject of Most Traveled People, and even get out the list of destinations, which fascinates Diane, and she keeps asking about enclaves, and I first think the Spanish enclave in France is Llerida, but it turns out to be Llivia, from the MTP list, and it gives a very nice map in Wikipedia. Then we talk about artwork, and I climb on the sofa to get down the nested Chinese stone balls, and then the painting INSIDE the globe, which leads to the boxed Taj Mahal and when John remarks about the Tibetan tanka hanging, I uncover the Cycle of Life and show them that, passing around the pierced leather framed object because I have it in my hands. They love it all. I offer them something to drink, but Robin only wants a bottle of water that she and John share. When I tip the lamp to see if the halogen has cooled enough to replace, it COMES BACK ON! Finally they say they've had enough and, lengthily, with Robin in the bathroom for hours while I make small talk with Robin around my maps, retelling my New Yorker magazines found in Greenland by Fred, and they leave at last at 8PM. Go to e-mail to find that Piri has sent me her artcritical article on Frankenthaler, so I phone Mildred at 8:20, who belittles the article and we talk to 8:40. I finish the notebook to 8:50PM, ready to relax with some "Doctor Who." Find that it's raining out, also. Watch "Line of Beauty," and think it's not complete, until I find, tomorrow, that two more episodes are on the DVD. Sign up for Netflix DVDs, but make a mistake and find that Roku won't work: it says Netflix doesn't stream any more. Fuss a bit and get to bed at 1:03AM.

MONDAY, 1/2/12: Pee at 5:38AM---TWICE! Shit at 8:20, back to bed at 8:50, and up at 9:35, tired. Look at e-mail until 10AM, register for the Met Lottery, play Taipei 10-11AM, and have a late breakfast that lets me get to the gym and then get a haircut before having a late lunch at 5PM. Try to report the glitch to Roku, but they put me on to some kind of service that says I'll have to wait ten minutes, so I play Taipei for half an hour before getting on after 35 minutes, and they want to charge me $35 for the service! Click off that and phone Roku, who says that they KNOW about this glitch, and it may take as long as 24 hours to fix. I watch two more episodes of "Line of Beauty" and, tired, get to bed at 11:09PM, hoping to get some rest. Keep changing my knee bandage.

TUESDAY, 1/3/12: Up at 8:12AM, having been in bed 9:07!! Have an early breakfast while watching "Doctor Who," which works now, Roku having been fixed. Start on stuffed restaurant shelf, dividing papers into 1) old pages, and when I can't find OTHER stashes of them, which I know I have somewhere, I make a temporary folder and file it in an orange-file drawer, 2) tasting menus that I add to the menu box, 3) current NYC menus that I can't figure where to put, so I make ANOTHER temporary folder and file it in the orange-file drawer, 4) cards and postcards and LARGER restaurant-souvenir cards, which I'll sort into piles and---move a sofa to put in files more permanent? 5) price lists for items for almost every restaurant I charge, which I hope to sort by date and keep in ANOTHER file. ENDLESS! While I'm sorting that, I've combined LIFELIST 2010 (LIFE0010) and LIFELIST 2011 (LIFE0011) into LIFE1011, for LIFELIST 2010-2011, and sorted that into individual sections that I'll file with my LIFELIST volumes, saving the 2010 pages for copying. Takes a DEVIL of a time sorting out old pages, finally finished by 2PM, when I have lunch while watching two more "Doctor Who." No bites on the Met Lottery. Then GOT to start cleaning things up, so I get out the vacuum cleaner and vacuum the carpets in the bedroom vacated by the coffee table and the telephone stand, then move those pieces of furniture back to clear sections of the living-room carpet for cleaning and then vacuuming, putting stuff into two bags to take to 55 Pierrepont tomorrow. Oh, and Steve called in the morning to say he wanted the after-party to be at HIS place to see his trains, which he'll be taking down in two weeks. Call John to clear it with him, but he never calls back. As doesn't Charles, and I tell Mildred I'll let HER worry about him FOR me. Start back on NOTEBOOK at 6:30PM, printing out one page which clears the last page of the sorted LIFE1011 from the printer. Finish NOTEBOOK at 6:53PM. Put the LIFE1011 pages into the books, and finish sorting the cards by size and alphabetizing them by 7:30PM, and circle all the dates on the sometimes-fading restaurant receipts and sort them CHRONOLOGICALLY by 9:10PM, tiring. Put things away and meticulously type this to 9:17PM, ready for---Taipei? Check e-mail and play Taipei 9:32-10:25PM, then have to REBOOT Roku while having dinner, and watch two more "Doctor Who." Bed at 12:32AM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/4/12: Pee at 6:08AM and add two items to list of things to do: 1) clear souvenir shelf and 2) send Mildred $10,000. Start Actualism at 6:46AM and don't get up until 8:39AM. Mildred calls from 8:45-9 and complains about an argument between her and Charles about who knows more about real estate regulations. Ho hum. Breakfast with another "Doctor Who" and don't even continue when the PROGRAM is continued. Decide not to bandage knee wound and leave trousers off until 10:30AM when I take out the cans, take down a load of papers, and pick up the mail, which includes a "Christmas" letter with photos from Rita. Catch up with this by 11AM, ready for the day! Start binding pages for LIFELIST and yet-unbound travel pages, and Susie knocks on my door at noon. She gives me ANOTHER show-light present! We pack up and get to 55 Pierrepont early to find chairs set up for a group that numbers only a few over 20, making the over-40 group of last time even more of a mystery. I think the show will run long, so I start about 1:05PM, annoying Leon and John and others that come in on time, though I explain that what they missed was only more of what they'd already seen. It ends at 2:15, very early, and only a few people stay around to ask questions, particularly Patti Yeo who asks about OAT tours, even of the United States, which I don't know about. John has to go home for a bit, Susie and Steve come here and we all three use the bathroom before meeting John downstairs to R-train to Steve's for Susie's crackers and cashews, and then Steve's wondrous hot-fudge with Haagen-Dasz ice cream on home-made cream puffs. John's so full he doesn't join us three at Zero Otto Nove for another Capriccioso pizza which just works to fill all of us, with Steven's large pear salad and diet Coke. They go east for Susie's subway to Penn Station, and I walk west to mistakenly enter the SIXTH Avenue subway station, paying my fare before discovering I'm waiting for the F train. I leave and pay an extra fare to get onto the 1 at SEVENTH Avenue: big deal. Home to watch an interesting "Tree of Life," and then phone Spartacus and talk to him about it until 1:07AM! Bed at 1:27AM, leg wound looking slightly red.

THURSDAY, 1/5/12: Pee at 6:42AM and type DREAMS:1/5/12. Start Actualism at 6:55AM but fall asleep and wake feeling refreshed at 10:20AM, having slept in the neighborhood of nine hours, too late to return the Netflix movie in the 10AM mail pickup. Breakfast with yesterday's mail of The New Yorker (oddly arriving before New York Magazine, but that may have been a double issue) and TV Guide, and get to complete this by 12:14PM, having printed a dream page for Sharon this afternoon. Look at finances and find I have $9300+, but would run into trouble toward the end of January if I took out the cash NOW, so I phone Mildred and she says that end-January would be fine. I transfer cash from IRA to Schwab One. Go to gym and get back for lunch with two "Doctor Who" episodes and then leave early for Sharon at 4:10PM. Back at 5:30 to record session to 5:42PM, feeling a slight urge to shit. Leave to find that the cigar shop doesn't have any bidis until next week! Find Ken sitting in the Cherry Lane lobby reading, so I finish the New York Magazine crossword and we get third-row seats for the hunky main actor in the VERY flawed play that only lasts an hour. We get to a VERY noisy Commerce, which WAS Blue Hill, name still in tile on the window sills, and get seated in an even noisier section to wait a LONG time for UNCLEANED sweetbreads: only the LAST PIECE was well done and membrane free. He WANTS to go to West Africa, maybe even in December! Ken's extra drinks---and fourth deviled-egg half from my serving---made the bill evenly divisible. Home at 10:30 and get to bed at 11:45PM.

SHARON B. 199 1/5/12

She calls me in at precisely 4:30, and I negotiate to have sessions THEN, until the "usual patient" returns "in some months." We both feel better with it then---and soon it'll be light when I get out, too! Start with my two dreams, and she says that if I'm embarrassed I don't have to read it, just give it to her and she'll look at it. I say it's because I'm really not used to FEELING about things---much more accustomed to THINKING about things---and there was so much FEELING attached to these dreams that I HAD to try to record what they "felt like." I said that this applied to this time of life: that I was trying to "make it dramatic," or "have meaningful change" or "come to terms with things changing." Agonize about many of these things until she assured me that even SHE felt this way at times, and this was all perfectly normal and I should feel OK about it. Talked about how "Tree of Life" and "Doctor Who" might have made apocalyptic thoughts more prevalent, though I enjoyed both of them. Talked about "completing" things WITHOUT the former fear that "the asteroid would strike, or the atomic bomb would hit, or I'd die." Even mentioned figuring that this was the LONGEST time between trips since 2005, which gave me lots of time BETWEEN preparing for, or coming back from, travels. Then ended by saying, in general, how WELL things were going, even to FOLKDANCING at 101 Clark, which is part of why I so love the building and my apartment, liking it even more than Steve's 17th floor view of the Empire State Building, where he could be PROUD of his hot-fudge sundae, as I admitted to being PROUD of showing my slides, PROUD of my way of life, even happy with my therapist ("Thank you, Bob, I'm happy with you too"). DID say that I thought of making more, younger, friends, but agreed with her that that would happen when it happened. Told her about the play and dinner tonight, Mildred's laughing with me, Charles's eating more, Bill's almost recovery, but also Barbara Lea's death and my thoughts of ALL my friends who've died, with all the benefits I still get from the Actualism meditation. Talked of Mildred's "acceptance" of her death if it comes, and my thinking about it ALMOST in the same way. Agreed we'd see each other next Thursday at 4:30 and I even left a
little bit early, after she said it was OK if I just sat and thought of the next thing to say.

FRIDAY, 1/6/12: Put anti-itch on the red spots surrounding my leg wound at 1:15AM. Pee at 1:17 and 5:55AM. Note DREAMS:1/6/12. Up at 9:06AM, phoning Mildred about Restaurant Week, Ken about my not finding many charges for the upcoming Italy trip, and HIP about my Freilich referrals. Breakfast about 10:30AM while watching the LAST TWO 2010 "Doctor Who" episodes. Then watch an intelligent Barney Frank on Charlie Rose after looking at a previously recorded Rose about the Republicans. Call HIP back before 3PM to check on my referrals and get a VERY sympathetic operator who says that all my calls about my referrals ARE ON RECORD, which makes me feel great---but I'll bet STILL that my call doesn't get returned. Put the show stuff away from Wednesday and file the memo about the "keyless entry fob." Then go to record dreams at 3:05PM. Spider 3:45-4:35PM to 51.51246, highest yet, at 819 up after 4 wins. Spend the rest of the day with television: Jerry Lewis appreciation with lunch, "The Nutty Professor," and then four hours of "Bag of Bones," having a bowl of soup for a late supper. Bed 1:35AM.

SATURDAY, 1/7/12: 7:36AM note dream: AGAIN in Indian hospital, I'm having a gallbladder (or left kidney) attack, and it MAY pass or may AGAIN pain me badly. Pee. 9AM Get Times and pee and get up at 9:38AM. Breakfast with Times, do puzzles, read until 1:30PM, when I print a missed dream page and catch up with this to 1:45PM, ready to bind last of loose pages, except for miscellaneous pages and current volume of dreams and notebook. Have a light lunch and watch 4 episodes of "30 Rock" and start "Globe Trekker" before stopping to wash and dress for Fred's, leaving at 5:25 to get there just before 6PM, after Sugar and Richard and Don, and Fred remarks that he still hasn't used Greg's dinner for him at Petrossian from last year! Don says he'd like to join us. I start with tonic, but hear a champagne cork popping after about an hour, when Madelyn and Helen and Josephing and Antonio have joined us, and take the first of maybe three glasses of untasty Prosecco. Down for an elaborate dinner of appetizers, after truffled paté on crackers upstairs, two soups, of which the pea is magnificent, and mediocre Don-cooked expensive steak tips, followed by a salad of which I have mostly cherry tomatoes. Taste a bit of Madelyn's white wine and a tiny bit of red wine with the steak, and sips of champagne between times. Helen and Don leave about 10PM and I take up Fred's soup in his Wet Umbrella Bag and leave about 10:35, feeling pretty good. Home and bed at 11:35PM.

SUNDAY, 1/8/12: Pee at 1:31AM and take three aspirin for my too-much wine. At 2:36AM I have a bit of reflux and take 6 antacids with lots of water. Up at 8:40AM, noting dream of French window display that started as higher-mathematics formulas. Read the Times and watch "Bellflower" so I can send it back to Netflix when I leave for the Games Group at 1PM precisely, getting there just after 2PM, forgetting to mail the DVD until Manhattan. Piri and Jermain and Diane and I start on Boggle before Alexandra appears after the first game, and she still manages to tie my score with one fewer game. Then we go to Quiddler, the apartment very silent between plays, and Diane wins that, and then we go to Scattergories which I cream, with lots of merriment between. Leave later than usual at about 6:15PM and don't get home, what with subway delays and changes, until just before 8PM. Stupidly sit down at Spider at 8:10 and play disgustedly to 12:20AM, ending at 51.50162 at 814 up after 4 wins, SHIT. Bed at 1:07AM.

MONDAY, 1/9/12: Pee at 6:12AM, agonizing about debridement and noting DREAMS:1/9/12. Up at 9:34AM, Google debridement and then find you should NEVER pick at scabs, though debridement IS useful in counteracting infection. Then start Spider at 10:10AM, quitting at 10:35 to gobble down breakfast and get to Freidlich just after 11AM, glad to see only three people ahead of me, and I'm actually into the room at 11:25, the PA in at 11:32, and Freilich stopping in to chat---and maybe bill?---for a bit before she burns me on the face, hands, and forearms. Next appointment for 4/16, nicely postponed from 4/9, which happens to be the day I get back from Italy. Home to find the mail being distributed, and call Fred at 11:45AM. He invites me to a "small" dinner on Friday with Greg and the other black with many of the same people as Saturday. I guess I'm "in" again. Then continue with the Spider to 12:15PM, getting up to 51.50319 at 815 up after 3 wins, slow up. Catch up with dreams and this by 12:35PM, at last feeling good about the day. Get to Symphony Space at 1:20PM, before Leon shows up, and it's a mess until they start letting people in. He shows up and I get my ticket and follow him inside to get $2 change from my $5 bill in the envelope I gave him. Danceworks Chicago isn't bad at all: the single white male dancer is appealing enough to watch, and the choreography is unique enough to be enjoyable, and the screaming audience is rather a kick for me AND for the visiting company. Leave about 4PM to walk down to Five Napkin Burger for a great burger and an OK Five Napkin Lager with a valiant mother trying vainly to stop her 2-year-old from SCREAMING in the booth next to mine. Home to play Taipei 6:15-7:40PM, and then watch "Downton Abbey" and get to bed at 12:24AM.

TUESDAY, 1/10/12: Get up at 1:47AM to j/o to cum at 2:15 with minimal feeling and watch TV a bit and get back to bed at 2:47AM. Up at 9:34AM, read over the john, and then get back to Spider 10:35AM-12:20PM to 51.50811 at 818 up after 5 wins, slow, but OK! That satisfied my urge to have a very late breakfast, which I have with many "30 Rock" episodes. Then play Taipei 2:05-2:20PM, when I get tired of it, and go to Solitaire 2:20-2:40, and then out to the gym. Get a stack of mail, including a new set of notes from Marj, which I can't read because I have to rush through a late lunch in order to get out to the subway by 5:40PM for the Tuesday Evening Hour, but the hour is excruciating: he doesn't know how to keep the slide show from pacing FORWARD, so he has to keep moving it BACK, and then his NARRATION is poor and he can barely read the captions that he himself has put on the slides, not to mention that he clobbered his original show about Buenos Aires and has to substitute mediocre pictures of Tierra del Fuego, Torres del Paine, and the Galapagos. I leave, breathless with frustration, at 7:10 and stop in Lots Less for three packs of $2 licorice before heading up to wait in the lobby of Robert Cohen's building until 7:50, when the sexy cellist George Trapp and his partner let me come up with them to reserve the PRIME viewing seat, with a very good glass of Riesling, for the mediocre piano of Robert Cohen in the first half with Bach, Chopin, and Scriabin, and then a QUITE good Trio composed by Robert for him and cello and violin, with good writing, I thought, for the strings. Intermission gets me a GREAT piece of Dennis's CAKE, for which I ask the recipe in an e-mail the next day, since I leave just after 10PM without really thanking both hosts, who are surrounded by friends and neighbors. Finish Fred's wonderful pea soup with more TV and get to bed at 12:45AM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/11/12: Pee at 6:44AM and take two arthritis-pain pills for my AWFUL back pain. Up at 10:10AM, get a call from Mildred in which we argue pointlessly about the "accuracy" of "the cloud" of Google, Wikipedia, and the Internet in general, prompted by my conflicting information on "debridement" and "picking scabs." Have a late breakfast of the DAMN easy-tear HH cellophane covers, about which I leave an incoherent-with-rage message with the HH complaint number, who doesn't answer. Watch "The Ledge," a not very happy film with a crazy Patrick Wilson threatening to kill Liv Tyler unless her hapless lover doesn't step off the ledge. Talk to Spartacus for a bit and catch up with this by 3:30PM, having effectively wasted the day without even getting to the two puzzles (TV Guide and New York Magazine) waiting for me from yesterday. Then start in on Spider and play until 7:15PM, getting to a NEW ABSOLUTE BEST: 51.51615 at 823 up after 7 wins, feeling TRIUMPANT! Then do all the puzzles waiting for me and have a late dinner while watching "Tormented," with a lovely body on a guy who's seemingly much OLDER than the others in his maladjusted school. Bed at 12:40AM.

THURSDAY, 1/12/12: Note DREAMS:1/12/12 at 7:04AM as I get up to pee, and then start Actualism but fall asleep and wake up at 10:30AM! Really must need sleep! Read magazines with breakfast and look at my Bank of America bill to see that I paid $2592.82 on 12/20 to Italian Vacations, bringing the total bill of the 23-day vacation to over $5400, more expensive than I would have hoped. Check World Trade One to see the website saying it's STILL only at the 90th floor, going up to 104. Then get to sorting out the material on my souvenir shelf, finding it's ESSENTIALLY from all of 2011, and having to move both sofas away from the cabinets to access the boxes in which I store the stuff. Also get out another box of index cards for daily notes. Mail Netflix before 3PM and get absolutely no keepable mail. Call Spartacus in triumph when I've thrown away about ten pounds of paper, and he hasn't recorded "People's Choice," so I go to Google and find who won---and am just as happy I didn't watch the program. Catch this up by 4PM, ready for lunch, listening to WQXR for background while I'm doing this, happy that Sharon called to postpone today's session to tomorrow at 4PM. Watch "Bill Cunningham's New York," along with other junk, and laze through the rest of the day until bed 12:15AM.

FRIDAY, 1/13/12: Pee at 5AM, noting that I ALWAYS wake on my BACK! At 5:47AM, mind awhirl, I make a twelve-item FRUSTRATION list, peeing at 5:52AM AGAIN. Bed at 6AM to Actualism, which by 7:38AM actually WORKED, and I got UP. Maybe this was the day I tried jerking off and it didn't work. Anyway, by 8:58AM I was at the telephone tackling the frustration list: 1) HH foods won't OPEN, and I phoned and left a complaint in MY NAME, with a guy who RECOGNIZED the problem, an advance over my first complaint, to which they said they'd "never heard of it before," and the second, which I left anonymously; 2) IRS didn't send forms, and I phoned an obliging buy who went through the schedules I might need and said he'd send them; and then the NY State automated system, after a) giving a garbled message, and b) cutting me off while "verifying my information, c) said they'd send a package to their correct address on file for me; 3) Netflix's woman sat patiently with me while I went to Roku and my own Netflix listing to reveal that I'd made a mistake in attributing titles from the "30 Rock" FIFTH season to the titles on the FIRST season: Roku DOES have all the prior titles; 4) Italtour, or Go Ahead, or whoever, apologizes to me for not sending me the bill for $120 that Ken had to phone me about that I pay with Visa; 5) HIP did, yesterday, phone with my referral which should be good until July, she said, so that's handled by 10:10AM. My list continued with 6) HEALTH conditions of a) overweight, b) frequent urination, and c) frustration-handling won't improve without EFFORT; 7) Website isn't being READ!; 8) I can't REVERSE AGING; 9) I can't CONTROL these frustrations (what does this MEAN?); 10) SOMETIMES Actualism DOESN'T WORK (but this time it DID)!; 11) Leg scab won't HEAL [and it's not healed a WEEK LATER!]; 12) TMJ problem won't EASE (though it HAS eased a week later). [Now, 1/19, having recorded this fateful list TWICE, once here, once before in Sharon's session, I can THROW IT AWAY!] Taipei 11AM-12:30PM. Spider 1:10-2:40PM, stopping for a quick lunch before seeing Sharon before going to Fred's dinner. Talked a LOT to Sharon about my frustration-handling this morning, and then got to Fred's by 6:10PM, with people already helping him in the kitchen, so I open Paul's rosé Champagne half-bottle (for which Fred later apologized for thinking was a FULL bottle HALF-FULL of Champagne), and I don't care AT ALL for its dryness, so the other Robert and fat Richard and Fred finish the rest of it. I have a few glasses of Prosecco, not very good either, and settle mostly for tonic. We're eight, and all men, until dinner (rather mediocre, with tender stew-beef and thick-cut cucumber slices in sweet vinegar, his grandmother's Polish recipe) when a woman I was photographed with at a prior party at Fred's showed up for dessert. I leave about 10PM, tired of the group, even of courteous Greg, and the other old-white, not-young-black couple. Bed at 11:20PM.

SHARON B. 200 1/13/12

I even forget to mention to her that this is session #200, so enthusiastic am I about my accomplishment this morning on my frustration list: 1) Complaining to HH meals about tops that won't open, leaving my name; 2) IRS to get a kindly clerk who sends me the forms I need after reminding me that they haven't been sending out forms for more than a year, and then New York State responding to my second try after they hang up on me the first time, and then the second time they manage to eke out menu-numbers from the multitude entered when I hit "redial;" 3) Netflix "play" isn't on Roku, I think but then they lead me to see that I made the mistake and it IS there; 4) Italtour apologizes profusely for not informing me of the bill that I owe them; 5) HIP DID call me back, twice, to get my referral to the dermatologist, the second time at 6:45PM. I continue verbally with 6) HEALTH conditions: a) overweight, b) frequent urination, c) frustration-handling won't improve without EFFORT!; and 7) Frustration that my website isn't being READ, though I still have confidence that it WILL succeed after I die; 8) I can't REVERSE aging; 9) I can't CONTROL these frustrations (what does this MEAN?); 10) SOMETIMES Actualism meditation DOESN'T HELP (but THIS time it DID!), when I got up at 8:55AM and ACCOMPLISHED RESULTS. She kept at me to figure out WHY, and I said I didn't even INTEND to accomplish anything: I just DID---which may be the best way to do ANYTHING! She congratulated me, just as Marj did, and I kept on with the anxious session TRYING to get to some ROOT of frustration, but just kept talking, and then stopped talking, and even left a few minutes early, after establishing again that this is my habitual time, nice that it's light even AFTER I get out now. Recorded this SEVEN DAYS AFTER the session: VERY BAD!

SATURDAY, 1/14/12: At 6:10AM note DREAMS:1/14/12 and pee. Take three aspirin and pee again. Up at 9:37AM with a HUGE dream and pee yet again. Restart Spider started yesterday 10:15-11:50AM, ending at 51.50979 at 820 up after 2 wins, BOO. Do both puzzles by 1:30PM, having already wasted a large part of the day. Watch "Life and Death of Colonel Blimp," realizing why I didn't remember much from it from having watched it once before, long ago. Get "Green Lantern" from Netflix, and it really doesn't DWELL on Ryan Reynolds' body, except in silhouette which appears to be mainly CGI. End by watching about five episodes of "30 Rock." Bed at 12:05AM.

SUNDAY, 1/15/12: Pee at 6:22AM, noting DREAMS:1/15/12. Up at 8:28AM for the Times and breakfast. Spartacus doesn't want to WALK to my place to pick up "Green Lantern," so he checks TheaterMania and comes up with "The Past Is a Grotesque Animal," from some Argentine world-tour group, which I predict will be a disaster, at the Public Theater at 2PM, so we should meet at 1:11PM. Spider a MESS 11:20AM-12:20PM to 51.50198 to 816 up after 1 win. I'm late out the door and realize it'll be quicker to WALK to Boro Hall rather than chancing on the subway, and when I check at 10 Clinton he hasn't left yet at 1:12PM. Get early to the theater, get good second-row seats, and it IS a disaster: he sleeps through much of it to 1:50, when I wake him to ask if he wants to leave, and he SURE DOES! We're out to Crif Dogs, JAMMED with people, which Spartacus explains is due to the fact that it's Sunday afternoon, and then I follow him to the 3rd Avenue cheese shop and 14th Street Trader Joe's, where I sit outside in the 19 chill rather than on the boring check-out line with him. Spider again 5:35-9:35PM, RIDICULOUS to 51.50055 at 816 up after 3 wins, AWFUL. Back to watch the "Golden Globes for 2011" and record some of the winners and promising nominees. Plummer wins supporting actor for "Beginners," TV movie is "Downton Abbey," Kelsey Grammer wins TV actor for "Boss"!, Woody Allen wins screenplay for "Midnight in Paris," "A Separation" is best foreign film, Matt LeBlanc wins for "Episodes," Meryl Streep wins for "Iron Lady," "The Artist" wins best score, actor, and musical; other nominated comedies are "50/50," "Bridesmaids," "Midnight in Paris," and "My Week with Marilyn;" movie actor is George Clooney in "Descendants," which also wins best drama, with other nominated dramas being "The Help," "Hugo," "Ides of March," "Moneyball," and "War Horse." Dinklage thanks Martin Henderson, who was a dwarf "tossed" in New Zealand after a sporting event---and that leads me to more-recent news of the Costa Concordia, whose death toll is now up to 11. Bed at 12:55AM.

MONDAY, 1/16/12: Pee 5:31AM. Up at 9:36AM after noting DREAMS:1/16/12. Spider 10:55AM-12:50PM TOO LONG to 51.5147 at 824 up after 9 wins, AWESOME for the highest UP! Register for the Met Lottery. Watch "Jack Cardiff: Cameraman" and then "Black Narcissus," trying to concentrate on the camera work, but being fascinated by the story, as usual. Add a few titles that I want from Spartacus: "Stairway to Heaven" and "Black Rose." Don't feel like doing ANYTHING, so I watch about five episodes of "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" when I run out of DVR saves and other Roku titles. Feel dreadful about wasting so much time. Can't resist Spider 10:20PM-12:15AM INCREDIBLE to 51.52695 at 831 up after 8 wins, HIGHEST OF ALL! Bed 12:45AM.

TUESDAY, 1/17/12: Pee 5:38AM after recording DREAMS:1/17/12. Up at 8:30AM after noting another set of dreams. Taipei 9-10:45AM. Watch "The Fighter," quite a good movie, with an unbelievably crazy Christian Bale. Then watch my taping of "Betty White's 90th Birthday Party," pick up HH meals, and get off to Fulton Street by 4:30PM to call Marjorie Grimm down early to my dinner before setting up for my showing of Ethiopia, Uganda, and Rwanda, before a crowd of about 20, all very appreciative, and she says she has a date available in the fall for me. I get back to sift through EVERYTHING to watch "Offenbach: La Belle Helene" taped from Chatelet in Paris with Dame Felicity Lott as a too-old Helene for her hairless-chested young Paris. Again beat myself for doing NOTHING. Bed 12:27AM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/18/12: Pee at 7:09AM and note DREAMS:1/18/12. Up at 9:27AM after noting another dream. I debate STOPPING HH meals, and CANCEL the next delivery. Play Taipei 9:55-10:35AM. Get into a mess unwrapping the cottage cheese from under its shredding plastic top, phone HH meals to CANCEL UNTIL they PHONE me to tell me that THAT PROBLEM IS FIXED! Then the container SLIPS OFF my serving paddle, splattering cream cheese on the floor and wall, and the PILLS slip off the OTHER side and scatter on the floor, causing me to get down on my hands and knees and induce HYPOTENSION that I feel for much of the day, having to get another pill out the the bottle because I can't find the 17th one on the floor ANYWHERE! Call Marj to joke about cancelling the meals, and she congratulates me on it. Out to a GREAT Telepan at 2PM with Mildred, with my FABULOUS Parmigean Burrata with veal meatballs, GREAT cheese and sauce, followed by a decent sea bass with three kinds of wild mushrooms in a delicious sauce, figuring Mildred was right in liking her tough-looking chicken and that we were BOTH right to forgo Telepan's wonderful burgers with their "volcanos" of French fries. She ordered "her" (i.e. Mildred's) cake and didn't like it, but I did so much that I traded my so-so chocolate cake with her sweet, nutty, spicy cake and ice cream and fruit compote. Home to waste more time, sift through MORE movies to re-watch "Howl's Moving Castle," really a GREAT animated picture, and debate going to bed, but end up with Spider 9:40-10:10PM good to 51.53018 at 833 up, AGAIN HIGHEST! Then, reluctant to leave games, Taipei again 10:10-11:15PM, followed by Solitaire 11:15-11:30PM. Bed 11:45PM.

THURSDAY, 1/19/12: Pee at 3:37AM and 7:15AM, and again glance over to green-lit Wi-Fi tower and wonder if that could have an effect on my BODY, sleeping in the same room with it! Up at 9:10AM, shit and search for the last New York Magazine and finally find it in the bag from my Tuesday Evening Club show. Have pancakes for breakfast, one of the GOOD things from HH meals. 11:15AM: Finally get the living room and other rooms cleared up from left-over junk, and get cards sorted on desk for notebook entering, and start entering notebook information. Get rid of Spider and Taipei and Solitaire cards by 11:30AM, only seven notecards left. 12:45PM: Find that I FORGOT to record that I'd gone through Marj's TURKEY notes from 6-9:30PM on LAST Thursday---and then on Friday she said she was busy and I would have to wait 2-3 weeks for her to get back to me on the notes! THAT depressed me a lot! Can use THAT as the excuse of why I wasted so much time in the following week. Finally get rid of all the notes up-to-date by 1:10PM, hoping to do a lot before going to Sharon this evening at 4:30, hoping to mention that this is session #201! Check the receipts for the Visa bill, which I find I don't have enough cash to PAY before getting my payments toward the end of January, and then start in on VENEZ about 1:30 (forgetting to record the time!) to 2:45, when I have lunch while watching one "30 Rock" episode because ONE of them doesn't WORK, and I finally just delete it. Then pick up two DVDs from Spartacus, deposit my $50 check from Tuesday Evening Club, buy plant food, and get early to Sharon. She calls me in at 4:30 and I jabber through the entire 43 minutes, leaving only two minutes early. Back to get a message from Marj that she left at 4:22PM, and I call her at 5:25 and she talks through about her handsome next-door neighbor wanting to buy her apartment until 6:05PM. I then check e-mail and catch up with this and go to transcribe the session at 6:25PM. Finish that at 6:35PM, and can't resist Spider, which is GOOD from 6:35-7:20PM to 51.53362 at 835 up after 3 wins, yet again highest! Then watch "Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon," completely incoherent. Bed 11:50PM.

SHARON B. 201 1/19/12

My first statement is "I'm tired!" Lament waking up tired, getting up from a chair achy, and then feeling BORED because there's nothing exciting happening. I admit that I've done a good show for a good, responsive, 20 or so, on Tuesday, getting another slot (and $50) at the end of October, and had a good lunch with Mildred yesterday. Recited the whole story of Spartacus putting us into a boring play at the Public Theater as a way of getting a DVD from me without his coming to my apartment to get it. Told of my reluctance to get started on numbering boxes of slides for conversion to DVDs. Repeated how Marj "deflated" me by not letting me check her notes when I wanted to, thereby giving me an excuse to do not much for the following week. But I couldn't wrest control from her about this. Mentioned the "loving interchange" betwen me and Mildred about losing each other, amazing Sharon with Mildred's niceness. Told of my possibly cancelling HH meals just as a way of getting out of the apartment more and trying different foods, though my complaint was legitimate. Remarked about my love of CONTRAST: letting the apartment, and its maintenance, go, and then fixing it up all at once. Lamented about my growing Alzheimer's by forgetting the French words for "check" (addition) and "pineapple" (ananas), and THEN, as a LIVING example, could only think of recommending "Howl's Walking Castle," KNOWING I was having trouble with the well-known title, before the correct name, "Howl's MOVING Castle," rolled off my tongue in a moment. THEN remembered to commemorate this, the #201 session, after I'd forgotten to mention session #200 last time. Then I tried to excuse my lamenting such SMALL losses and lacks, but she again insists that it's OK for her to hear about them from me since I have such a GREAT DESIRE to do so much, and I make a somewhat insinuating remark that "the way you said that" led me to think that maybe I should MODERATE this "great desire" that I have, so that I'm not so HARD on myself when I DON'T accomplish so much: as I said I'd wanted to do at the beginning of the winter by walking more, getting out more, exercising more, about which, of course, I've done absolutely nothing. Then think of nothing more to say, and leave a few minutes before 5:15PM.

FRIDAY, 1/20/12: Pee at 6AM, type DREAMS:1/20/12, look at e-mail and play Taipei just to DO it, pee again and bed at 6:35AM. Up at 9:45AM when Carolyn calls me to tell me to leave cookies with doorman downstairs, as she'll be coming while I'm at the museum. I decide I just MUST REMOVE SCAB, since I'd LAST had it removed 12/14, and it's JUST NOT HEALING, so it MUST BE INFECTED UNDERNEATH! So I WRENCH "hard-blood blister" away from "cyst hole" and finally get blood to show that I'm down to some kind of base. Watch "A Matter of Life or Death," or "Stairway to Heaven," and have nothing to eat before leaving for the Metropolitan Museum at 12:15PM, great delay when 79th Street crosstown lanes are closed through Central Park, and just see the Wrightsman Galleries 1:38-2PM, when I leave to meet Charles at 2:08PM and start with Renaissance Portraits 2:20-3:30PM, when we're both portraited out. Down to a too-filling snack for me of pudding, smoothie, and a brownie for $12.52 3:40-4:08PM, and up to Perino del Vaga 4:10-4:35, exhausted, and leave about 5:15 to walk with Charles to 86th Street and Lexington for the subway that takes me early to The Palm Restaurant at 5:50, Mildred not there yet, and I have a small shit and meet her when she's FUMING about the treatment the fat maitre'd gave her, but I laugh her out of it and her calamari is good and plentiful, my winter salad isn't bad with lots of gorgonzola, cheese, and mushrooms with greens, and we love our large filet mignons on cheesed potatoes; she takes the unwanted crab meat from the top of my filet---just too odd! We joke with the great waiter that we want all three desserts, and Mildred orders the cheesecake, I have the key lime pie, and he slips a container with two portions of the flourless chocolate cake that Mildred calls me the next day to orgasm over its goodness. Watch "Black Rose," as bad as Spartacus said it was, and it's not even listed in some movie books. Scrub DEEPER into "cyst hole." Bed 12:30AM.

SATURDAY, 1/21/12: 12:45AM decide to take Cipro #1 after looking up "blood poisoning from wound infection." Play random Taipei and back to bed at 1:15AM. "Phone rings" at 7:45, waking me to pee, and I bring in the Times and go back to bed to get up at 9:33AM. Have breakfast, e-mail Carol Tanenbaum that I'm coming to her reception this afternoon, and play Spider 10:10-10:40AM, OK to 51.53529 at 836 up after 2 wins, highest again. Diagramless puzzle is tough, needing symmetry to solve the bottom by 12:50PM and the crossword is easier to 1:40PM. Finish the Times, take Cipro #2 at 2:25PM, and play Taipei 2:30-3:10PM before leaving for Carol's photos, small crowd, again walking 25th Street in snow as I think I did LAST year about this time! Nothing much to eat, two tiny glasses of sweet Sangria, and I leave quickly to come back and have lunch while watching a "Star Trek" that Spartacus had recorded by mistake, and then continue watching his DVD with "Zoo in Budapest," which I recall NOTHING of from seeing it in 2003, and "War Games" again, from 1983, with a teenage Matthew Broderick and a menacing James Wood. Catch up with this by 10:25PM, determined to do SOMETHING good today besides the Times. Then back to Spider 10:25PM-12:30AM, good and long (um) to 51.54007 at 839 up after 5 wins, WAY best again. Take Cipro #3 at 12:45AM. Wound is forming a LUMP again! Bed 12:50AM. Can't sleep, so I get up at 1:14AM, take a Valium and an Ambien and get right to sleep.

SUNDAY, 1/22/12: Up at 9:10AM, tired. Get Times and pee and read a bit and get back to bed at 9:52AM. Spend the ENTIRE DAY on TV: Watch "Murders in the Rue Morgue" first, but find that at 10:08AM I made a do-list: 1) Finished breakfast as 10:45AM, 2) Finished the Sunday Times at 11:05AM, 3) Watered plants by 11:15AM, 4) Sent e-mail to Suzie saying I got rid of BOTH sets of her cookies on Friday, 5) Tried to find Scott Nepal catalog pages on-line, but couldn't, to 11:53AM, 6) Check "digitizing slides" on Google by 12:35PM and get a) FotoBridge (NJ) 5000 slides for $1096, 22/slide, and 75 tapes ror $1750. b) DigMyPics (AZ) 5000 slides for $1950. c) Vivid Photo (Ave U Brooklyn) 10 slides $10! d) Video Productions (152 W. 36th St.). e) Go Photo 37/slide. And the next two from the NY Times article: f) ScanCafe 22/slide, and g) Go Photo again, 7) Leave word at 12:37PM with Marjorie Grimm that my October show will be a Bhutan-Nepal show, 8) Check at 12:39PM to find nothing on Audience Extras. Play Taipei 12:40-1:45PM, then watch the 1932 "Black Cat" with Lugosi and Karloff, have lunch, go 9) to the gym 2:05-2:37 for my active exercising (checked with my SHEET when I had to verify that my 10:08AM do-list WAS from 1/22!), then continue TV with watching "Downton Abbey" third episode of season two, "Draining the Great Lakes," two episodes of "30 Rock," and an hour of Bill Maher. Finish 10) on my list by bandaging my wound, leaving three items undone: Marj's notes, Bhutan slide-edit, and Keogh withdrawal form. Drink alcohol with dinner and TV. 11:45PM: Take simvastatin, Cipro #4, and Ambien. Brush teeth and get to bed at 11:55AM, determined to see Freilich tomorrow.

MONDAY, 1/23/12: Up at 9:47AM to shit [Did I ACTUALLY sleep 9:53???], and get off toilet at 10:20AM after reading. Phone Freilich's office at 10:27AM and they tell me he comes in at 11:30AM. I say, "I'll come in at 11:15AM to be first." "No problem," she responds. I take a Valium at 10:30AM and finish breakfast at 10:55. Leave at 11:08AM. See MEDICAL:1/23/12. Record on THAT note the rest of my Cipros: #5 7:30PM Monday 1/23, #6 9AM Tuesday 1/24, #7 9PM Tuesday 1/24, #8 9:50AM Wednesday 1/25. #9 12:30AM Thursday 1/26, #10 12:50PM Thursday 1/26. #11 1AM Friday 1/27, #12 1PM Friday 1/27, #13 12:30AM Saturday 1/28, and #14 12:30AM Sunday 1/29. Home to play Taipei 12:10-1:10PM. Watch "Island of Doctor Moreau" with Charles Laughton, then play Spider [I THINK this is what I wrote:] 3-8:10PM to a great 51.54083 at 840 up after 5 wins, HIGHEST AGAIN. Watch two episodes of "30 Rock" and a silent "Haxan," not as thrilling as I remember from the distant past. Bed 12:22AM.

TUESDAY, 1/24/12: 6:15AM: Pee and type DREAMS:1/24/12. Pee again and bed 6:43AM. 6:54AM: Google "Gay History Project" and get nothing useful from it, but copy down a few possible addresses anyway. Also checked NY Times 1/12 tech column to find nothing useful. Start Actualism but don't think I finished. Next note says that at 8:12AM I finished with Schwab, noting that my Keogh RMD was $8,004, but with my balance of $8,312.74 I took out MORE than 2012's RMD, but taking out $831.27 as 10% IRS withholding left me with only $7,481. Watched a rather sketchy animated "My Dog Tulip" during the day, and when I mentioned it to Spartacus later, he asked what I thought about the extras, which I'd noticed but not looked at, so I went BACK to the DVD and watched about an hour of quite interesting extras about the animators and their next project. Got early to Dovetail for our 1:45PM lunch, and Mildred insisted that she hadn't been here before, but when I got back home I checked my list and found that she HAD been there, and Spartacus had been there too, both in January of last year, probably during restaurant week. Spider 5:30-8:30PM AGAIN highest at 51.54348 at 842 up after 5 wins. Called Charles, who reminded me that Obama was about to make his State of the Union address, so I watched that from 9-10PM and some of the responses to it, thinking that it was one of his better presentations. Bed 11:33PM.

WEDNESDAY, 1/25/12: 7:56AM: Slept 8:23 straight through! Pee and shit and type DREAMS:1/25/12 to 8:22 and back to bed. Up at 9:46AM after another dream of reading while phone rings and rings and rings! Play Spider 10:20AM-12:10PM, SHIT to 51.53925 at 840 up after 2 wins. Watch "Caught," which I don't even remember, and many episodes of "A Bit of Fry and Laurie," play Taipei 5:20-5:45PM, and ate enough during the day to get to "Enchanted Island" with Charles and no brownie at intermission to watch a particularly good De Neise and an adequate Domingo with his wonderful music for Zakok the Priest from Handel. Have no idea what I did with the rest of the day. Bed 1:25AM.

THURSDAY, 1/26/12: 7:35AM: Pee and type DREAMS:1/26/12. My lower-right second molar twinges. Shit and back to bed 8:13AM. Up to j/o 8:41-9:50. Think of and later (10:25-10:33AM) research the phrase "rage against the coming of the night," and it becomes the topic of my session with Sharon tonight. Note the exact quote from Dylan Thomas: "Do not go gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rate at close of day. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Look at the Gay History Project at 10:38, finding no place to try to place MY gay history, finding only 1) the page has been accessed 307,611 times, and 2), which is run by Rich Wandel! Talk to Mildred to 11:45AM. Watch "In a Better World," the 2010 Foreign Film Oscar, and it's VERY depressing and negative. Then watch all the rest of "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" through the day. Go to Sharon for a "rage against the night" session. Play Spider 7:10-9:10PM, ALMOST best to 51.54235 at 842 up after 3 wins. Bed 1:15AM.

SHARON B. 202 1/26/12

Read from the printer version of my quote, compare my Valium-taking because I'm NOT raging with Mildred's calm acceptance of "the dark." The session goes so quickly that I have to tell her when it's 5:15PM, she remarking that she hadn't been keeping track. Talked about everything I was unhappy about, and everything I was happy about, and added nothing much to what I'd been saying in my journal. Briefest summary yet!

FRIDAY, 1/27/12: Pee 2:43AM and 5:47AM, BOTH TIMES TWICE! Note amusing dream of camera filled with bugs and DIRT. Up, TIRED, at 8:35AM, and back to bed at 8:53AM. Up at 9:35AM, still tired. Start watching the six-hour "Stephen Fry In America" on Roku, then phone Schwab to be told I can safely write a $10,000 check for Mildred, which makes me so late I phone her to leave a message at 12:55PM that I'm going to be late, but she's out already. Get to Ai Fiori at 2:15, but she confesses that she had arrived ten minutes late also. Meal's not bad, but dessert lets us down so that we figure we won't be going back to the attractive restaurant where we mix up the lunch receipts and she has to return the next day to pick up her forgotten credit card. Play Spider 4:45-7:10PM, LONG, but BEST OF BOTH to 51.55088 at 847 up after 8 wins, then continue with Taipei 7:10-8:05PM and Solitaire 8:05PM to a time I didn't even bother to write in! Again the rest of the day is totally wasted! Bed 12:32AM.

SATURDAY, 1/28/12: Pee 2:50AM and 6:37AM. Note ELABORATE "neo-Actualism" dream of lessons and secrets and skills and a beautiful woman and a text. Up 8:53AM. Search Roku trying to find something to watch on TV, having solved the puzzles fairly quickly and read the Times. Watch four episodes of "Nurse Jackie," but other sections mess up. Watch "Food, Inc." for what turns out to be the second time. Watch "Certified Copy," which I quickly figure is about an estranged couple, and can't figure how ANYONE could say (as Spartacus does) that they were STRANGERS. Note that the sexy statue is in Lucignano, Italy. Then watch the 2009 Russian film "Ballerina."

SUNDAY, 1/29/12: Scab BLEEDS at 1AM! Look for Q-tips and can't find any! Spread antibiotic salve onto bandage pad itself. Bed 1:15AM. Pee at 8:30AM and note dream of Don Maloof, erect, breakfasting with a lady friend and me in the Caribbean. Up at 9AM and start j/o and actually have an ORGASM (after last two times having it be "swallowed" without really cuming) 9:35-9:55AM. Have a late breakfast and think to get to "Rienzi" early by leaving at 1:15PM, but the 2-train is slow in coming and moving, and it goes LOCAL to 42nd Street, and makes NO announcement, so I stay on (though train IS on the express track, dammit!) and it goes EXPRESS to 72nd! I get out and DASH up the stairs, SHOUTING to hold the downtown local, and manage to get on it before it SLOWLY goes down to 66th, and I DASH up to the elevator, which DOESN'T come, and I misinterpret the "2" (the elevator number) as the LEVEL (and my seat is on level 3), so I dash up the first flight to stairs---to get to Level 1! I go more slowly up to Level 2 and AGONIZINGLY up to Level 3 to be told I'd gotten there JUST in time. Mistake seat 20 for, somehow, being on the "other side" of where my seat 8 would be, PASS BEHIND Charles without noticing, and get to TWO distant aisles to be told to go BACK to door 30, and tromp across everyone in our row to take coat off JUST as lights lower at 2:08PM! CURSE the DAMNED subway! The overture is glorious, Charles MISSES the 35-woman chorus with house-lights raised, and DOES see the replacement for the forbidden West Point Cadet chorus in the second part---but the opera has LOTS of slow parts, and the plot is VERY confusing, and the woman is QUITE shrill, though Rienzi himself is impressive enough, and the audience loves it all: the 100+ orchestra, with two side bands in balconies in the second part, and the 100+ chorus on stage, with the two 30+ choruses marching down the aisles. GLAD to have seen it. Home to have meals watching TV and celebrating the start of my TENTH YEAR in my apartment! See "David's Birthday," a REAL French soap opera with LUDICROUS climaxes I laugh to Spartacus about, though the David of Thyago Alves, whom Spartacus says IS a model of 25 years of age, is worth looking at. Then, having gone exhaustively through Roku, watch "Valentino: The Last Emperor" (of fashion, that is) and the U.S. Skating Championships for 2012. Bed 12:59AM.

MONDAY, 1/30/12: Pee at 9:09AM, having slept 8:10 straight through! Have breakfast watching an animated "Tales From Earthsea" of LeGuin, not that bad, register for the Met Lottery, watch "All Good Things," which again I remember nothing of. Netflix sent "Ides of March" that isn't as good as I'd hoped it would be, just so much more political nonsense at a time when we have quite enough of it in real life. Then see "Dead Man" from 1995 with Johnny Depp, which I probably wouldn't have watched if I'd know it was by that crazy director Jim Jarmusch, and it IS a crazy picture! Finish with a true "C.R.A.Z.Y.," which I realize only at the END are the initials of the five brothers, and the gay middle brother REALLY should have taken to his second-older sibling! Do absolutely nothing but sit in front of the TV and laboriously get out of the chair to get various meals, some catch-as-catch-can now that I've finished with HH Meals. Bed 12:07AM.

TUESDAY, 1/31/12: [Typed from notes: Pee at 5:24AM, type DREAMS:1/31/12. Type to 6:02AM. Pee, drink water, and bed at 6:08AM. Shouldn't it be HINTING at dawn in East? Also have odd "existential" thought: the index of refraction of water causes a pencil to appear bent when it's in a glass of water, but it's not bent, it only APPEARS to be bent. Could OUR WHOLE VIEW OF REALITY BE BENT IN SOME ANALOGOUS WAY? 12:33PM Thursday, 2/2/12: I really should FOLLOW THIS THOUGHT UP! Up at 9:20AM, tired.] Do at least manage to get to the gym today, again after 4 days. Wanted to catch up with this notebook so I could change the calendar page, but did NOTHING but watch movies: "Biutiful," "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" (which turned out to be the SECOND of the series, so I REWATCHED the first, which was at the END in Roku, which means I WATCHED IT BEFORE:) "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," and had to follow with (thankfully a more feminine Noomi Rapace) "The Girl Who Played with Fire." What an incredible day! Didn't get anything from the Met Lottery. And then see the NOTE I'd written that day: at 2:55PM I called Chin to find that HIP is waiting for FREILICH to return their request! Then at 3:10PM start Verizon in-home agent UPDATE, and at 3:34PM put in that I want to stop spam! 3:42PM: Add addresses to "block sender" list by going to "settings" that turns out to be to the RIGHT of the Spam Button, and then email settings, and blocking, and select delete, and add email address to block. Try GoToAssist at 3:57 but it just cycles in "initializing" and doesn't WORK! At 4:27 I restart computer to get rid of three GoToAssists that aren't working. At 4:37 on home page 1) open web and email protection, and 2) click anti-spam. Talk to Marj 4:50-5:07 to bitch, and she's gotten ANOTHER job that'll keep her away from my stuff for another 2-3 weeks!! Check some of the addresses and find they're LUDICROUSLY long, many with "kindyheito" stems that imply they all come from the SAME source. I put a few addresses into the "blocked" file, and try to get rid of others, but there are just TOO MANY, almost 1000 in Verizon. THEN console myself with TV. Bed 12:55AM.

WEDNESDAY, 2/1/12: 6:38AM: Pee and type DREAMS:2/1/12. 6:55AM: Pee again, still no dawn light. 7:14AM: Can't sleep because I'm obsessing about Freilich and get up to note the following Freilich bills:
1/13/12 (revisit) 12/28/11 $77.42 $77.42
12/30/11 (biopsy) 12/7/11 229.50 229.50
12/30/11 (infection) 12/14/11 77.42 77.42
11/30/11 (prior) 11/9/11 656.67 473.63
$1041.01 $867.97
7:27AM: Back to bed. Up 10:08AM. Don't know how I passed the time to 1:15PM when I left to get early to L'Ecole for a good meal (except for six SCREAMING-with-laughter young woman at a nearby table), good service, and a BIZARRE Mildred. Then home to watch the Screen Actors' Guild Awards for 2011: Supporting Actor Christopher Plummer for "Beginners", Comedy Actor Alec Baldwin for the FIFTH time for "30 Rock," and again best Drama of "Boardwalk Empire," and actor from "The Artist" and actress from "The Help" that also wins best film. UGH! Then see "Exit Smiling," a silent from TCM with Beatrice Lillie, rather Sillie, and nine episodes of "South Park," with one truly memorable one about explosive diarrhea with about a DOZEN wonderful colloquialisms for shitting. Type the following at 8:38PM: Just don't feel like doing ANYTHING. Over ten days behind on the journal, still missing last Thursday's session, and piles of junk to be put away around the apartment. Just put in a tuna casserole for my first official meal WITHOUT HH foods, now two weeks unordered and they STILL haven't called me to say they've modified their sloppy-removal covers. Moaned so much to Mildred at lunch today that she actually went crazy and offered $50 to watch John suck me off. How's THAT for "words that should not be repeated"? Only REAL thing I did in the past two weeks was repay Mildred her $10,000, which only panics me to think how I'm going to get $5,000+ to put into my Keogh account to "shelter" that income since I made that much last year! AND to pay whatever taxes I may owe. Will I have to borrow from her? Or can I get that much surplus in my "incomes" in February, March, and April? Where's Shelley now that I need her? Where's INDEX WORK!? Now, shit, to Spider, waiting for my tuna casserole to finish at 9:37PM while watching more "South Park." It goes so well that I burn the bottom of my casserole: 8:45-9:45PM to 51.5542 at 849 up after 4 wins, again best. Bed 11:52PM.

THURSDAY, 2/2/12: Up 8:27AM: Slept 8:35 straight through! 8:36AM: Sit with a stuffy nose, having typed DREAMS:2/2/12. Feel slightly feverish, knowing it's way past time to change sheets after going to the gym tomorrow or Saturday. Unduly warm for early February, and my desk is piled with notes, receipts, programs, and things I should be catching up with. Saw at least a dozen movies in the last week, with countless episodes of Roku series like "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" and "South Park." Only Sharon's session tonight and dinner with Mildred tomorrow remain on my week's calendar. My last partial notebook entry was Saturday before last: 13 days ago. Marj disappoints me AGAIN yesterday by saying that she's finished with the 400-page proofing job that took all her time for three weeks, but she's terribly far behind with her "own shit" and now has an INDEX of a 350 page book that will occupy her for the next TWO weeks---though she DOES want to get back to my stuff. Mildred is being strange with me now that I confessed to her that I'm feeling sad and depressed about my current life circumstances: no work, no sex, no accomplishments. My "resolution" to catch up before changing my calendar page to February has yielded only notebook notes yesterday and today. At least my "wound" has formed what I hope to be its terminal, rather thin, scab. And I've got my IRS forms, though I'm starting to worry where I'm going to get $5000+ to put into my Keogh account and maybe even more for taxes, though I hope my estimated from last year will give me a return. Think briefly of putting ANOTHER $100,000 into an annuity for MORE monthly income without having to dip into savings. Think to talk to Mildred about it. My increasing thoughts that she should include ME in her will have become almost psychotic. Now 8:47AM, should at least dress and have breakfast to START my day---though I think of Taipei, which I play 8:48-10AM, winning about half, when I stop for breakfast while watching two episodes of "South Park." 12:27PM: Coincidence: I take out a bag for the recycling room and see the back of the guy from 20B walking toward his apartment, and wave to him. As I return past the elevator, it opens, and the guy from 20G walks out. Make COINC:2/2/12 entry and start transcribing TOP notes for NM, hoping to make it easier that way. Finish transcribing FIVE notes by 1:28PM! Mildred calls to say she's lost her ticket to "The Book of Mormon," so I give her the date, and then she calls BACK to say she FOUND the ticket IN her calendar for October 21! Of course I say I told her so. Add the Spider and Taipei times to NM to 1:57PM. Then think to call Mildred's two new annuity numbers: Jewish National Fund (JNF): Matt Brownstein at 1-800-562-7526 and Anti-Defamation League (ADL): Donna Lippman at 1-212-885-5871. JNF reports 7.2%, saying I'd get a $35,000+ tax deduction, and of $7200/year, $5745 would be tax-free. He goes to 2:10 and I leave word with Mildred. ADL is at 7.5%, talking to her to 2:28 and then to Mildred to 2:37, when I call New York Life to get a quote of 6.948%, talking to 2:57, and then to Mildred to 3:13, who gets me to call Mutual of Omaha, where McDonald at x235 said he'd get back to me. I play Taipei during my pauses, getting off to get this up-to-date by 3:38PM, now ready for lunch before Sharon. SHOULD do HER LAST session! Then, with session delayed to 5PM, I block sites to 4:45PM:,, Groupon as,,, University of Phoenix, Direct Buy, Autoprice Finder, Belly Fat Blast, Golf Fuel, Credit Score, Norton Antivirus, Loan Approval,,, Equifax, MeshPatch, Facebook Date, New Yorker Store, Bosley Hair, Pimsleur, Single People Meet, and Tire Coupons. On 2/3 I add Matrix Direct Life Insurance. Let's hope they GO, even if it IS after "ten days to take effect."
Spider 6:10-7:20PM OK to 51.55941 at 852 up after 4 wins, STILL best! Get "Warrior" from Netflix, with the boxing brothers, and am so impressed that I note the name of the Physics-teacher boxer: Joel Edgerton, the Marine boxer: Tom Hardy (whom Spartacus says is about to appear in MANY shows from England), the sexy trainer: Frank Grillo, "Mad-Dog" Grimes: Erik Apple, and Koba: Kurt Angle. Also watch another four episodes of "South Park." Bed 2:08AM!

SHARON B. 203 2/2/12

Sat at 4:59PM just as the other person left and Sharon called me in, thanking me again for switching to 5PM. I started by complimenting myself on the energy and thought I gave to the whole "new annuity" project today, phoning four people for information and giving data back to Mildred. Then, speaking of her, I brought up, with some anxiety, the "$50 to watch John suck you off." Sharon thought it was appropriately bizarre, and in talking about it we both came to the conclusion that it was Mildred's amateur attempt to get into Carolyn's and my ease of being outrageous with each other: Mildred just hadn't realized how FAR OUT this actually was. I was happy to have an explanation I could accept rather than asking her, as I SHOULD have when she said it, WHY she said it. It was just to freak me out and make me laugh, and it sure did. Again summarized the reasons why I'd been down for the past two or more weeks: 1) Marj not doing my corrections to her editing when I wanted to---as well as extending the not-doing ANOTHER two or three weeks yesterday; 2) My wound not healing, which it finally (though I've said THAT before) seems to be doing, so that a) I'm going to ask HIP if they have ANOTHER dermatologist available, and b) if I don't get notice by Monday that I don't have a referral, I'm not showing up and THEN see what the next step would be; 3) Financial problems, with which I may be making progress, if only to make a loan from Mildred around April 15 more plausible; 4) Orgasmic problems, which I finally "solved" by having one the other day; 5) Too many movies to watch, but now I've DONE those, and I'm not unhappy with them, as Sharon asked me to verify; 6) Relief to get energy back today to handle the annuity stuff AND find that "noting backward" worked very well in updating the notebook---and she added that antibiotics a) deepen and lengthen sleep, and b) cause low energy levels, so since I stopped on Friday of last week, things should have picked up by now. I repeatedly expressed regret over resolving to do more, to do better (with her constant reminder than, even so, I do more than MOST other people) with accomplishments, and I actually enumerated 1) my decaying earplugs "forcing" a change of sheets and a taking-out of laundry, 2) list of photoshops, and 3) willingness to get the notes DONE to at least get my LAPTOP off my DESK! And noted that the time passed VERY quickly, and she had me sign some forms because HIP is changing to ANOTHER organization, which will undoubtedly do MORE bad things to their system. It was drizzling slightly when I left in the dark.

FRIDAY, 2/3/12: 7:20AM: Pee and type DREAMS:2/3/12. Back to bed at 9:32AM and Spartacus calls at 10:30AM to talk about today. Spartacus phoned last night and "reminded" me of our "Alexander Nevsky" double feature tonight, so I had to call Mildred and cancel our Colicchio & Sons dinner, which she said not to worry about. I had breakfast, watching more "South Park," and left to meet him at 2:45PM before getting the A train to 34th Street, where we walked to 9th and 35th to find Burgers and Cupcakes at Mitchel London Foods, getting $40 worth of food for his $20 coupon, with good, though smallish, burgers with VERY cholesterolic spicy cheese fries we didn't finish, and each took two lovely large cupcakes, one peanut-butter covered with a marbled inside that was on the dry side, but the next day's chocolate cupcake with cream-cheese icing was fabulous after dinner. I said we should be leaving at 3:55, and we took a slow C up to 59th for a slower 1 to 116th, where he got lost looking for the Manhattan School of Music at 122nd St., where we got in at 4:50 after "Alexander Nevsky" started, and it was good, though I thought I remembered an underwater shot in the Battle on the Ice. Then we ate a cupcake in the cafeteria before standing outside the Borden Auditorium for a FABULOUS 100+ orchestra led by Philippe Entrement and a GLORIOUS 60+ chorus from the balcony that brought tears to my eyes: truly a wonderful evening, better than 50% of my time at the Met Opera! We were too full for dinner at the 125th Street BarBQ place, so we got home and I got to bed at 11:50PM after more "South Park" to episode 21.

SATURDAY, 2/4/12: Pee at 6:31AM, get the Times, light starting outside, and type DREAMS:2/4/12. Pee again and back to bed at 6:47AM to do Actualism. Up at 9:13AM, and finally throw away mouldering earplugs and strip bedding, noting to check the $98 BOA charge (pending, but not yet entered with a number by 10:30AM) and the Nevsky ice sequence. Puzzles are VERY hard: it takes a long time to get the clue in "Attached States" to figure out HOOP, followed by LA, for Louisiana, means "excitement," and nine others of the same ilk. Keep at the Cryptic until I get everything, the worst being the initials of Oslo complicated by the capital of Sudan. That takes until 1:30PM without eating! I have breakfast watching Norma Shearer in "The Last of Mrs. Cheyney," with a handsome young Basil Rathbone, and then at last get to the gym, returning at 4PM. Tear the closet apart looking for sheets, and find many large pillowcases and a single additional flannel top sheet, but have to settle for a bulky cotton bottom fitted sheet. It takes a LONG time! Skim "Jungle Book" to see the fire and the blue Cambodian palaces, and look at e-mail at 9:30PM to get sucked in by Maria Hsieh's recommendation of David Palmer that STARTS by saying "I fill forms and surf sites. I don't have to sell anything and nobody has to buy anything." Sign up for $97.95, and then hit again for $98, and get caught in a LOOP, and finally call Bank of America billing disputes at 9:56PM to be told I have to wait until it's POSTED, and I holler at Tina Staten who tells me to tell the next person to look at her comments. I post a negative message at 10:35PM that never gets on, and turn the computer OFF, since I get an e-mail from Maria saying that her account was HACKED. I return to all, saying it's a scam. Start "The Rains Came," but turn if off halfway through because I'm beat. Bed at 12:45AM, disgusted, trying Actualism and looking at the clock at all hours.

SUNDAY, 2/5/12: Pee at 7:28AM, get the Times, and up at 9:42AM. Have breakfast watching the end of "The Rains Came," then watch ALL of "The Jungle Book." Call Marj and end up talking 11:40-1:20PM though she STARTED saying she only wanted to talk 15 minutes! She finally gave me the names of Michele Bredeson at Soho Publishing, which "does no indexes," and Cathy Hennessy, since I'd worked with both of them, still at Watson-Guptill. I may be charging too much money, but maybe I can get something from them. Check e-mail again and get another message from Maria at 1:13PM and I respond, saying that "nothing's happened to me yet," and I hit WP51 after I hang up with her the get WHOLE-SCREEN colors: black, red, green, blue, and white, cycling through again and again. What happened!? Shut it off and turn it on and get the same. Call Verizon at 1:25PM, get "waiting" at 1:29, and at 1:43 a person "tests" and says my connection is fine: at 1:50PM it's not FiOS, not Internet, it's the COMPUTER! I die. Call Spartacus, who says to pull the desktop plug. I do, twice, and it doesn't work. Then something about the WAY the screen comes on INSTANTLY with colors makes me pull the MONITOR plug---and it WORKS!!! WHAT a RELIEF at 2:08PM. I numbly finish the Times and have a large beef pot pie while watching the start of "Seven Cities of Gold," but stop about 4PM to start working on notebook pages, printing out six pages in all, taking INFINITE care by checking on gym dates, gym times, movie lists, old notes, and obsessive care. Ken calls in the middle of it, saying we're in Lecce TWO nights, having no dinner scheduled while others are on an optional excursion Thursday, 3/28, and we're there at the Hotel President Friday, 3/29, but dinner is included. He wants to take the tours to Monte San Angelo and Grotti Castrono, and suggests I do too. I don't know. Work and work on these DAMNED pages, knowing I'll copy these to EDGE, which I turn on now to warm up, so that if anything happens AGAIN, I won't feel that I've lost TONS of work by letting things fall so far behind. Also, with triumph, turn the calendar page from January to February, knowing that I'll only have to look at these Turkish Shah Nama sheets this month, since Leap Year will throw March into another series of calendar pages. Finish this now at 8:12PM, relieved to be caught up at last, ready to print out this seventh page and indulge in a GAME, at last! To Taipei 8:15-10PM, winning about half, and then have a Progresso minestrone while watching more of the rather boring "Seven Cities of Gold," finish the brownie from Burgers and Cupcakes, and get to bed at 12:10AM feeling still rather full from eating. Can't sleep. At 12:26AM I get up to THOROUGHLY search the bathroom cabinets and bedroom drawers for Q-tips, by 12:41AM concluding I HAVE none. Back to bed at 12:47 after agonizing about scab on leg. Take a Valium to help me get to sleep. Start Actualism and drop off quickly.

MONDAY, 2/6/12: Up at 8:57AM to shit and for the next hour OBSESS about doing tiny things: 1) put HH meal-cards with the old menus to be filed later, 2) clip toenails, 3) shave, 4) empty bedroom wastebasket, 5) take cards OFF coffee table ONTO desk to process DEFINITIVELY: either file or throw away, 6) take out kitchen garbage and can bags, 7) put cell phone back on its shelf since I'm STILL not going to be using it, 8) file ANOTHER fingernail that's broken off at the edge just below the quick and will take a week to grow back to usable length, 9) put Cipro bottle with Freidlich schedule to get HIM to refill it, 10) get another CVS call about my prescriptions being ready, 11) wash eyeglasses, 12) figure to do a quick window-clean to get the rainspots off, 13) sit down to type all THIS by 10:30AM before even having breakfast! And my desk is STILL littered with notecards to be handled AFTER breakfast. AND have to check dream pages and print THOSE out. Finish "Seven Cities of Gold" at last with breakfast, and stuff 4 sheets, two pillowcases, 3 shirts and a pair of pants into a pillowcase to take to laundry on way to Freidlich, signing in at 11:59AM for 12:15PM appointment with only two people ahead of me! See MEDICAL:2/6/12. Out to put in Cipro prescription he gives me and pick up Q-tips and three prescriptions. Feel accomplished. Fill this in by 1:50PM, print three DREAMS pages, getting hungry for lunch. Register for Met Lottery. Watch "Sea Hawk" and other TV stuff while having two pieces of toast with jelly to substitute for lunch before meeting Mildred at Perilla (picking up four packs of bidis for $44 at a smoke shop on West 4th Street) at 5:36PM for an interestingly nutty goat entree, but the desserts leave us cold so we're not impressed. Spider 7:30-9:10OM, good to 51.5645 at 855 up after 5 wins, and continue with lots of other computer games just to DO them. Catch up with some notebook work before bed at 11:40PM.

TUESDAY, 2/7/12: Pee at 5:10AM after dream of peeing and MESSING UP bathroom floor. Up, tired, at 8:37AM. Watch "Incendies" with breakfast, a story at which I curse BOTH sides for killing each other, with the novel twist that their older brother IS their raping father whom the mother identifies by the three tattooed dots on his heel. Go to the gym, mail the Netflix, and pick up house-special egg foo yung at Great Wall while watching "The Adventures of Robin Hood," much of which I don't remember, interesting in that it was, at $2.5 million, the most expensive Hollywood movie made to date, by Warner Brothers even. Check e-mail, play Spider 5:45-6:40PM to 51.56793 at 857 up after 3 wins, still highest. Continue with Taipei 6:40-8:15PM, winning a bit more than half. Determined to get to more of Marj's notes, working from 8:20-10:15PM before feeling too tired (and bored) to continue. Open a can of Spam for dinner, watching more TV, skimming New York Magazine, and getting to bed at 1:05AM, having scraped off ANOTHER level of knee-wound scab.

WEDNESDAY, 2/8/12: Pee at 4:03AM, noting a dream of playing Ken a "tape" on a recorder that manages to take a THIN strip of two-ply TOILET paper, recorded from the END after I ran out of space at the beginning of the roll. Crazy. Pee again at 5:23AM, after dream of Joe Safko wanting insurance fees for turning in a insurance fraud. Up at 9:18AM, shit the good shit, have oatmeal while watching the premiere of "Smash," which may or may not turn out OK. Reserve for the next M.A.N., noting dates through May, and add names 25-31 to my list of "unsubscribed and blocked" spam sites. Catch up with this to 11:40AM, printing another page. Finish Marj's notes on VENEZ to 1:20PM, taking twenty minutes off for Pam Hatley to call and say she'll be sending final pages for me to receive on Friday, and index will be due the following Friday. I agree that it's possible. Then start on the Bhutan show 1:25-1:55PM, when I have to start lunch, another Spam sandwich, to prepare for David Burke Kitchen dinner with Mildred at 5:30PM. Watch the start of "Knights of the Round Table" for an hour, and then get back to Bhutan 3-4:35PM, surprised to look outside at SNOW falling! It's exactly zero degrees Centigrade. At this point it doesn't look as if the snow will stay. Mildred is 15 minutes late at David Burke Kitchen, but the food is WONDERFUL, and I take half the meal home with me. We look at Jimmy's, upstairs, and she can't stand the height. Home to finish what I have of Nepal 9:20-10:10PM, but it's only lthrough 4/13, and I search and search and finally find 2009/04 in flashdrive, transferring images starting at 11:36PM, at which time I start Spider, which goes wonderfully to 1:15AM to 51.57844 at 863 up after 7 wins, remarkable. Photo transfers stopped about midnight, so I just shut the laptop to do the rest later. Bed at 1:42AM.

THURSDAY, 2/9/12: Pee at 6:28AM and put the radiator on. Do a decent Actualism session, which feels quite NEW after a long time away, and up at 9:13 to jerk off to 10:10AM, quite satisfactorily, and then have breakfast while watching the touching "L'amour fou" between Yves Saint-Laurent and Pierre Bergé, culminating in their remarkable sale in the Grand Palais that netted over $482 million! Check e-mail, much less spam, removing only Iceland Health, and catch up with this notebook by 1:15PM, ready to dress for lunch. Get to La Perigord at 2:10, place filled with women diners, and my soup is OK though her vegetable tart was better, and her Boeuf Bourgignone was better than my well-creamed but still somewhat pissy kidneys, and I left a whole boule of rice of the two that were served me. My floating island was too ethereal to taste good, but her chocolate mousse was adequate. Leave at 3:20 but don't get to Clark Street until 4:10PM, feeling I really need to shit before Sharon, so I dash upstairs, waiting for lots of elevator stops, do a quick shit, and suffer elevator stops on the way down to get to Sharon's just at 4:29PM, having been passed by a fast-walking girl even though I was RUSHING! Out to CVS to meet Spartacus, who takes my last issue of New York magazine after I tear out Sharon's Nabumetone recommendation, and mentions something that HE'S been taking which relieves HIS arthritis pain. Pick up my Cipro with $5 cash, since I didn't replace my credit card in my wallet, checking that I have enough cash for my subsequent laundry pickup for $28.50. Change clothes and settle into a lengthy Taipei from 7:10-9:20PM, followed by Solitaire from 9:20-11:35PM, and then decide to watch "Captain America: The First Avenger," since I have nothing on my calendar except the gym for the rest of the week. Get to bed at 2:45AM, still feeling pretty good.

SHARON B. 204 2/9/12

Breathless into my chair at 4:29PM, and she calls me in quickly, and I laugh at having to get home after lunch to shit before rushing here. Start with talking about how relieved Mildred is that this was the final restaurnt of the four-week restaurant week, though we went to only eight, though three WERE this week alone; I say I'm also relieved, but pleased that the last three were really very good. Talked about my computer problems with my monitor going "by coincidence" when Maria was complaining about being hacked, and I thought for a terrible moment that my COMPUTER had been destroyed; and then talked about looking at three backups before finding the rest of my Nepal show. Will mention here what I think I forgot to mention in a previous session: it's been a long time since I've thought "both-and" rather than "either-or," and I HAD been thinking of "finances" in terms of "spend now and don't have anything later," and I should really START to think in terms of "both-and": "spend now and WILL have all I need later, since I'll have Social Security AND my annuity and, with NO trip at an advanced age, will have MORE than enough for daily expenditures even HAVING traveled earlier---by which I mean the NEXT TEN YEARS, at LEAST. MAYBE mentioned, or maybe not, the recent thought of NOT signing up for another year at the gym: it's just not doing me enough good, and I COULD make it up by WALKING more, since I really have call for THAT rather than for upper-body strength, which the gym gives me that walking wouldn't---except maybe shopping for more groceries now that I'm not taking HH meals. Sharon compliments Mildred on improving her relationship with me through our lunches, after I mentioned I took Mildred my last copy of Scientific American along with her copy, given me to read, of Science. I mention my reading the article of the scientist who is truly investigating precognition, which Sharon seems to believe in---emphasizing it's not TELEPATHY he's looking into, since that MIGHT have a basis in some yet-unrealized waves capable of transferring ideas from one mind to another---and which I tend to believe in since I keep thinking that all past and present are HERE, in some yet-discovered dimension, so that precognition would merely involve looking "over there" in a direction we can't describe. By GREAT coincidence, I was thinking how to say that I HAD BEEN feeling better this week, when Sharon STATES: "I think you've been feeling better this week?" and I say I'd been thinking just that! My leg-wound was finally (again) healing, I'd finished Marj's notes ready for her to get back to me, had made progress in the Bhutan-Nepal show, had practically gotten Mildred's guarantee of a loan for my April 15 Keogh-filling needs from my incomes from last year, and had even managed to get to the gym after THREE days the last two times, rather than my "lazy" four-day intervals of the recent past. But I DID get annoyed by the young woman who rushed past me on the sidewalk on the way here when I was rushing MYSELF to get here. Sharon brings out her prescription bottle of Nabumetone, generic for Relafen, which she says WORKS on her knee arthritis when cortisone shots became too many to take. Talked so much and so rapidly that it was almost 5:15PM when I ran out of topics, and she said she'd see me next week.

FRIDAY, 2/10/12: Pee at 5:37 and 7:35AM, only now realizing those are inverses of the same numbers, and get up at 9:50AM at the phone, not hearing her announce at the first that it's Donna Lippman, and I think it's Pam Hatley and say I haven't gotten what she sent yet. Debate staying up, but I'm still tired, so I'm back to bed and start Actualism at 10:30 but get out of bed AGAIN at 10:35AM to answer MILDRED, who's read the Scientific American article and thinks it's less scientific than articles in Science. She then says she'd ONLY come to talk about the programs I saved on quantum mechanics BEFORE some slide-show here, so I should save them, but she'll not be coming here to have dinner at Jack the Horse, "no matter how big it is." I check my Schwab to see that I do NOT have an extra $10,000, as I'd vaguely hoped based on my last statement, and we get into a ludicrous argument about my "losing" $687 in my Schwab accounts today. Then call Donna Lippman to say I DID get her ADL material, and then bring up the Bank of America tender again, and Milded says I shouldn't do it unless I need the cash, and Schwab, whom I phone, agrees. This all takes to 11:54AM when I finally get dressed and make breakfast, phoning Ron to call me if a package with the index material arrives for me, watching the end of "Knights of the Round Table," more intelligent than the reviews would have me believe. Typing Sharon's session at 1:45PM when a shouting on Cadman Plaza West takes me to open the window to see a perhaps-20-25-member group with flags of red-white-and-blue stripes from the top (with one in order blue-white-red "in opposition") flanked by seven police cars with flashing red lights, marching into Cadman Plaza Park in preparation, it seems, for marching over Brooklyn Bridge. The police cars move off as the group vanishes into the park, appearing on the bridge walkway at 1:50PM. Catch up with this, printing another page, at 2:08PM, GOT to get to the gym! Find out that what I downloaded from the flashdrive yesterday is ONLY what I already HAVE. At 4:25PM I look at DVD 305 and find that IT seems to have a complete Bhutan-Nepal trip. Call Mildred while it's downloading and then have lunch of egg foo yung while starting to watch "Red River." Back to transfer the last 837, and at 5:25PM start editing down to 521, wearisome, to 8:45PM, but I don't feel like doing anything but playing Solitaire from 8:45-11:10PM! Watch more of "Red River" while having dinner of the last of the spam, with the last pear from HH meals, and get to bed at 1:17AM.

SATURDAY, 2/11/12: Pee at 8:49AM after noting DREAMS:2/11/12, and then back to bed, getting up at 9:53AM to find it snowing again. Breakfast while reading the travel article in the New York Times Magazine, then do the puzzles, the acrostic rather difficult, from 11-1PM, and decide to wash windows from 1:10-1:50, happy to have that done before precipitation spots them again. Finish the Times to 3PM, have the last of the egg foo yung while watching the last 40 minutes of "Red River," and down to find my package from Albright arrived from FedEx at 10:40AM. Bring it up and finish this by 3:52PM, looking forward to index pages and more discards on Bhutan-Nepal. Glad to have nothing ELSE this weekend except going to Key Foods. Get index pages and look through them and perform two passes, getting rid of 40+ pages "done," and work for 5:20. Finish watching "Red River" with Progresso lentil soup for dinner, watch Bill Maher and an ever-less-interesting "Spartacus," and get to bed at 12:14AM.

SUNDAY, 2/12/12: Pee at 6AM and 6:37AM. At 6:33AM write a Sunday Do-List and get up at 9:40AM to get the Times, have breakfast while finishing "Second Fiddle," with Sonja Henie and Tyrone Power, mediocre, and then finish the Times by about 11:30AM. Send Pam an e-mail about her maybe not in the office on Monday, which Spartacus says is a holiday; take HH meals off to 3/3, having 6 days left; find e-rewards DID cancel some of my benefits, leaving only $27 in credits; find that Sapphire will use points to pay off bills at the rate of 10 points for $1, which means that the 100,000 points they gave me to sign up REALLY IS $10,000!!! Incredible!! Sign up for new YahooGroup indexersdiscussionlist, though it's not very interesting. Add W.E. and Albert Nobbs to Netflix. That leaves five items still undone at 1:30PM: 1) get groceries, 2) edit Bhutan, 3) call someone at HRW on Monday (or Tuesday), 4) check Nevsky ice on my film, 5) would "porn" give anything on FiOS, since Bob Lambiase gets free porn from Time-Warner? Go to the TV set at 1:35PM. Speed ahead on Nevsky to 2PM to find the print IDENTICAL to the one we saw at Manhattan School of Music, except mine is of much poorer quality. Then check for "porn" and get smirky commentary, and "male porn" and get absolutely nothing by 2:30. Boo to FiOS. Then go to Key Food and find lots of specials, so I end up getting only singles of what's on my list, checking out by 3:15PM with 29 pounds of food to $54.49, saving $15.19. Back, starving, to weight foods, change to slippers, put stuff away and have half the wonderful Key broiled chicken for lunch to 3:30, finishing with more than half one of the 14-ounce Haagen Dasz containers with mediocre Hershey's caramel syrup when Key still doesn't stock Smuckers hot fudge sauce. Then indulge in Spider 4:20-4:55PM, still yet again highest at 51.5801 at 864 up after 2 wins, and continue with Taipei, winning about half, from 4:55-5:30PM, and then catch up with this by 5:35PM, ready to go back to the last item on today's list: editing Bhutan. Cold and cloudy, but lights brightly clear, at 29. Start editing 979---dammit, I'll call them SLIDES! at 5:40 starting with 530 in part 1, down to 327 at 7:55, and starting part 2 with 521 and going down to 442 at---some later time, around 9PM, ending with a total of 769, having taken out 210, and will need at least one more pass to finish. Start watching the BAFTA awards until the ads catch up with me, and turn to the penultimate two hours of "Downton Abbey," events moving fast with smallpox, and then finish with BAFTA, that rather idiosyncratically awards Best British Film (and adapted screenplay) to "Tinker Tailor" and Best Film to "The Artist," which tops the list with four awards: film, actor, director, and original screenplay. Streep wins actress, "The Help" gets only supporting actress, and last Harry Potter gets best effects, while "Hugo" gets production design. Christopher Plummer gets supporting actor for "Beginners," which I watch the next day and don't really care for. Their "five best" also include "Descendants" and "Drive." Shammi Kapoor dies, and his photo is DYNAMITE! But when I look on the Internet, he died last year at 79; Netflix has many of his early movies, but he's not that interesting on the covers, so I cross him off my list. Bed 1:07AM.

MONDAY, 2/13/12: 7:28AM: Pee and type DREAMS:2/13/12. Pee and back to bed at 8:21AM. Start to j/o about 9:15AM, having trouble getting porn DVDs to play, and in the middle of a bidi Pam Hatley calls and answers questions about the index 9:25-11:05AM. Mildred interrupts to try to get me to buy a stock for her from Schwab, but says she'll do it herself when I can't do it instantly. Marj interrupts to say SHE wants to work on TURKEY! At that point Pam has to talk to the author to say the print CAN'T be increased in size (throwing off all pagination!), and I have to eat breakfast, so we hang up. I phone Marj to say how happy I am she's "back," and we talk 11:05-11:15 and then I have breakfast to 11:45AM. Call Marj back at 11:48AM, and then Pam calls back for more questions 12:15-12:50PM. Call-waiting IS REALLY very useful in its place! Marj and I finish TURKEY from 12:52-2PM, leaving me with LOTS of corrections to TURKEY that I hope to do tomorrow when we finish VENEZ. Then I demand of myself that I go to the gym, AGAIN after only THREE days, and get back at 4PM, almost prizing scab off leg. Look at mail to 4:20, and have lunch while watching a disappointing "Beginners." It's MUCH more about the son, played by a blank-faced Ewan MacGregor standing in for the "obviously gay" writer-director Mike Meyers, or whatever his forgettable name is. I think the supporting-actor award should have been given to the playing-idiot who plays Plummer's lover! Then sit through the paralyzing comments by the director, who's more interested in lighting and costumes and settings than he is in anything as "trivial" as plot, background, motivation, and characterization. The "lead couple," though obviously meant to be as much "Beginners" as the male duo, are totally unappealing. Mail the Netflix back about 10PM. More junk TV. Managed the Met Lottery entry. Bed 12:33AM.

TUESDAY, 2/14/12: Pee 6:48AM. 7:49AM: Make Tue-Do list: 1) Marj notes, 2) Index entries, 3) Fred: Bernardin $50 off, 4) Mildred: Visa $50 off, 5) Michelin-starred restaurants in NYC: 7 three-star, 9 two-star, 38 one-star; 6) Sapphire REALLY $1 for 10 points?, 7) Call Bredeson, 8) Call vacationed editor, 9) Call HRW, 10) Check Met Lottery, 11) Piri: Games Group, 12) Taxes: step ONE, 13) 7:55AM: Actualism to 8:25AM, 14) J/o to 8:52AM, with a question mark; 15) Breakfast and "Origami" movie to 9:45AM, when Leon calls about a dance performance at Symphony Space on Thursday at 1:45PM. Finally get back to Cindex, having trouble a) FINDING it, b) STARTING it, but get going with entries from 9:50AM-2:20PM, exhausting but thrilling to DO! Then "print out" the index in WP51 and edit to 3:05, e-mailing it to Pam, then phoning to try to get in touch with her. Already over 15 hours and not NEARLY through. Check "Long Curve" last year and it was $3125 for 253 pages and 1382 lines for $2.26/line, so my bill THIS year will HAVE a precedent! She sends me an e-mail at 4:05PM (which I didn't get until Wednesday morning) saying she tried to call me but couldn't get through. Then I get a HH MEAL BOX! Phone to cancel ALL my future mailings. Edgardo calls as I'm broiling a steak, so I tell him the Lecce dates and he wants to know the Naples dates. Watch "Public Enemy," with James Cagney, with none of the "signature" scenes except with his loving mother and the grapefruit-in-face breakfast. Skim some "30 Rock" episodes. Called Piri about Games Group, checked I didn't get Met Lottery, and looked through the Michelin-starred restaurants. Lots of unrecorded Taipei and Solitaire just to get my mind off my (unaccustomed) WORK! Marj had called at 3:55, giving me the impression she will NOT be calling tomorrow to finish our notes. Bed at 12:23AM, then get up to TEAR scab off HOLE in leg to 12:35AM!