Dee's Guys
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)
[The stage is bare, as in "Our Town." Stage Left is the GAY GUY's area. Stage Right is the STRAIGHT GUY's area. In the center of the stage is a long trestle-type table, its long axis perpendicular to the audience so that it divides the stage into the GAY GUY's area on the right and the STRAIGHT GUY's area on the left. Down the center of the table, also perpendicular to the audience, is a set of shutters, or a curtain that can be divided or lifted, that represents the wall between the areas at the start of the play.]
[Stage Left is dark except for the flicker of light from a television set that is facing upstage. Nothing else is visible Stage Left. Stage Right has a bed against the Stage Right wall and a stove upstage. Other furniture is optional.]
[DEE and GUY are in bed. DEE is in her late 30s, plain-looking but very intense. GUY is a bit older, good-looking to spectacular-looking, direct and forthright. It is Thursday night. GUY stretches luxuriously.]
GUY
This is my favorite time.
DEE
Are you sorry you gave up cigarettes?
GUY
Cigarettes? What do you mean?
DEE
You know, like in the movies: the guy has great sex and then rolls off and lights up a cigarette.
GUY
[Snuggling up to DEE] You're better than a cigarette anytime.
DEE
Am I more addicting?
GUY
Add-DICK-ting? Oh, baby, you can add my dick anytime you want.
DEE
That's not what I meant. Am I just becoming a habit for you?
GUY
[Blissfully content] Oh, YES!
DEE
[Pushing him away angrily] Don't say that. I don't like to be taken for granted.
GUY
[Placatingly] Baby, I'd never take you for granted. What I meant is that you're a habit I love, a habit that I wouldn't want to break.
DEE
[Coyly] You'd better not want to break me. [Cowboy twang] Better men than you have tried to break me, but ah'm still free to roam the range where-at I choose.
GUY
[Nuzzling her; cowboy twang] Just so's you let your favorite Guy roam the range rat a-next to you.
DEE
[Giggling] Your cowboy sounds like he comes from Sicily.
GUY
Dee, you can tell me that I sound like I come from the moon, just so I can cum---and cum---[He makes exaggerated pelvic motions]---and CUMMMMMM!
DEE
[Little-girl voice] Why, SIR, I do believe you just take me for a sex-object!
GUY
Absolutely! AND for a sex-GODDESS, and for a love-goddess [He gives her a kiss for each "and"], and for a sexy fuckerrrrrr, and for one of the sexiest mothers I know---
DEE
Leave my son out of this.
GUY
Sorry. My name sharer, Guy, will not enter into this at all---
DEE
My son was not named after you; he was ten years old when we met five years ago.
GUY
Then you're a sexy OLD mother---[DEE grimaces]---and a sex-KITTEN, and a sex-PUSSY, and a sex-HOUND---
DEE
Oh, stop it. You're the hound.
GUY
Are you calling me a sonuvabitch?
DEE
No. [Thinking] Well, yes, YOUR mother is certainly an A-number-one bitch.
GUY
[Rolling away.] No one in the world would disagree with you on that. Particularly my father.
DEE
[Propping herself up to study GUY] You certainly did change the family jinx.
GUY
[Seriously] Yeah. It's a wonder I have any sex-drive at all. What a great family I have! Generations of men pussy-whipped by A-number-one bitches. My folks were so unhappy that I could never figure out why ANYONE would get married. But because they were good Catholics they just stuck together, and stuck together, and STUCK together, through thick and thin. [Pause] I could never figure that out. Is the "thick" the good part or the bad part? The "thin" doesn't sound that great, either.
DEE
Maybe that's what the saying actually means: they stuck together through the bad parts and through the BAD parts. [They laugh together]
GUY
Well, we just seem to have the good parts and the GOOD parts.
DEE
Well, YES! You have a good part HERE. [DEE grabs GUY under the sheet; his face contorts in mock shock and pain] And I have a good part HERE. [DEE pulls one of GUY's hands to her body under the sheet]
GUY
And a super part HERE. [He kisses the sheet atop one of her breasts] And, well, a SORT of super part here. [He kisses the sheet atop her other breast]
DEE
[Mock anger] Wait a minute! Are you taking sides, here?
GUY
[Mock contrition] Oh, nonono. This one [kissing second breast] is EVERY. BIT. As good as this one. [Kisses first breast]
DEE
That's better.
GUY
[Sighing] I wish we didn't have to go to work tomorrow morning.
DEE
THIS morning.
GUY
God, is it that late already?
DEE
Yes, Guy, it is.
GUY
[Playfully] God, why do we have to go to work every morning?
DEE
Well, Guy, I only gave myself ONE day off after working for six days, but YOU get two days off every week.
GUY
Oh, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God. [Pause] God, why do I love you so much?
DEE
Because I like to give little boys what they want.
GUY
[Mock petulant] I am NOT a little boy.
DEE
No, you're a BIG boy.
GUY
And big boys like to fuck!
DEE
[Giggling] And even God likes some good nookie from time to time.
GUY
Nookie? God likes NOOKIE?
DEE
Oh, well, whatever it's called these days. [Airily] It's so hard following what's going on down on this pitiful little earth when there are so many BETTER things to do.
GUY
Yeah? Like what. Tell me.
DEE
[Playing] Well, on Galtesterone, the women are always on top. There, they call sex---um, ZOOKIE!
GUY
[Defensive] We've tried zookie!
DEE
Don't interrupt God, please. I was going to tell you about Tralfazegrab, where they don't have politicians---
GUY
Sounds like heaven, to me.
DEE
That's another place. But on Tralfazebarge---
GUY
Grab.
DEE
What?
GUY
Grab! You said Tralfazegrab, not Tralfazebarge.
DEE
Are you holding God to her exact words?
GUY
Absolutely! How would you feel if you lived on Tralfazegrab and your God came down and started talking about Tralfazebarge? You'd suspect she didn't know where she was.
DEE
Well, THIS God ALWAYS knows where she is. AS I WAS SAYING: on TralfazeGRAB they don't have any politicians, or lawyers, or robbers---
GUY
You're being redundant.
DEE
Or policemen---
GUY
Or policeWOMEN---
DEE
Or income tax, or high-heeled shoes, or icky perfumes, or [Dee suddenly smiles] MEN!
GUY
WHAT?
DEE
[Smugly] That's right. There are no men on TralfazeGRAB.
GUY
Hm. What do the women do for zookie?
DEE
Zookie was on---that other planet. But on TralfazeGRAB, the women grab each other.
GUY
Tralfazegrab's full of Lesboes?
DEE
Guy, that's not nice. Anyway, since there are no men on Tralfazegrab, women are just women; they don't have to be Lesbians.
GUY
How do they get more---Tralfazegrabians?
DEE
Um---every Christmas, they call it, ah, Horny-time on Tralfazegrab---their God, MOI, comes down and fertilizes all the women who want to have Tralfazegrabians.
GUY
Tralfazegrabian fertilization. Boy, these women must have limber tongues!
DEE
Don't knock it. They got it a lot better there than women got it here!
GUY
Hey, Dee, you never told me you had such feminist leanings.
DEE
It's not feminism; it's just---PERSONism. People are people, they're not so much men and women as they are just PEOPLE.
GUY
Yeah, but SOME people have SOME things---[GUY reaches under the sheet]
DEE
And YOU have a one-track---[Dee slaps him under the sheet; her voice rises; Guy glances apprehensively toward Stage Left.]---THING. I was being serious and you're just playing around.
GUY
Shh, keep it down. The neighbors are---sleeping. [DEE shrugs] C'mon, you know I can be serious, too.
DEE
Yes, you can. When your THING has had its way with me and there's nothing better to do.
GUY
Well, your THING doesn't mind it very much. Sometimes it likes---nookie or zookie or fookie---even more than MY thing does.
DEE
Yes, that's true. [Thinks] In fact, I think I like sex better than you do.
GUY
What? C'mon, NO one likes sex better than I do.
DEE
No, you like HAVING sex---um, wait---no, you like having HAD sex, while I like HAVING sex.
GUY
What's THAT supposed to mean?
DEE
I like PLAYING with sex, ENJOYING sex, but you---lots of times you just want to get it OVER with.
GUY
OVER with? No! I wish it could go on forever! I don't want it to be OVER with; I just want to DO it.
DEE
That's what I mean. DOING it, for you, means---having DONE it. It's like you think sex is only the orgasm. For me, sex is what happens BEFORE I have an orgasm.
[The GAY GUY can now be heard in the darkness from Stage Left. At first his sounds are only short grunts, vocalized groans, and an occasional terse "Yes." DEE looks questioningly at GUY.]
GUY
Uh-oh!
DEE
What's that?
GUY
Uh, it's the guy next door.
DEE
Next door? He sounds like he's right here in the room with us!
GUY
Funny you should say that; in a way, he IS in the room with us. [DEE stares at GUY] This floor used to be one apartment: this was the living and dining area, the kitchen was in the middle, across there---[GUY motions to the partition in the center of the stage]---and beyond that was the bedroom. The owners decided to make two apartments out of it. They added the kitchen---[GUY motions toward the stove]---and the bathroom---[GUY points toward the audience]---and walled up the door leading to the kitchen. But they didn't do very well with the pass-through between the dining area and the kitchen. They just locked the original shutters to block up the pass-through.
DEE
But why haven't I heard him before?
GUY
He just moved in a couple of days ago. They had trouble renting the apartment because the kitchen was an awkward area: they cut an entrance from the hall right into the kitchen, and you go from the kitchen into what used to be the bedroom, which he made into a kind of a living room-bedroom combination.
DEE
How do YOU know?
GUY
Well, ah, I unlocked the shutters and took a look after he moved in---when he was out.
DEE
GUY! What a TERRIBLE thing to do! [Pause] That's AWFUL! [Pause] What else did you see?
GUY
He sort of set up the kitchen---what used to be the kitchen---as a TV room. He's got lots of videos---
DEE
Oh, great---maybe we can borrow some?
GUY
Uh, they're all---gay.
DEE
All guys?
GUY
Yeah.
DEE
What's wrong with that? [She's grinning enthusiastically]
GUY
YOU might like them, but don't expect ME to get off on them.
DEE
Why not? I know I get turned on watching GALS getting off together.
GUY
You could probably get turned on watching PARAMECIA screwing. Remember, we tried that once---
DEE
Watching paramecia screwing?
GUY
No! Getting me turned on to guys!
DEE
Oh, you mean Dick and Jane!
GUY
Yeah, "Fun and Games with Dick and Jane." See Guy run away. It was awful.
DEE
I had a lot of fun!
GUY
I think you got off on the sight of me with a limp dick for once.
DEE
Dick wasn't limp; he was gorgeous.
GUY
MY dick was limp, and Dick didn't think I was gorgeous, he just wanted to get into YOUR pants.
DEE
Well, you thought you might like to get into JANE'S pants.
GUY
[Moodily] Yeah, I thought I did, too. But with Dick panting around you, and Jane looking on like she was at some kind of sick-o Biology class---
DEE
There's nothing sick-o about good, healthy sex. That's just your Catholic background breathing over your shoulder.
GUY
Women have it easier than men. Women can just lie there and---sort of---take it all in. Men have to PERFORM.
DEE
No, Guy, men DON'T have to perform ALL the time. They can lie back and enjoy it, too! There's more to sex than a stiff dick.
GUY
Like what?
DEE
Like kissing and touching and fondling and cuddling and rubbing---and holding and petting and caressing---and nibbling and tweaking and---
GUY
OK, OK, I get the idea! That's all right for women, but it's not all right for men---
DEE
Of COURSE it's all right for men---
GUY
For men with each other---let me FINISH, for Chrissake!
[GAY GUY suddenly lets loose a series of escalating grunts and groans, followed by a long guttural roar deep in his throat. He has obviously cum. There is a long silence as DEE and GUY look at each other.]
DEE
Sounds like he beat you to the finish. [Pause] Will he knock it off, now that he's knocked it off?
GUY
[Grimly] Not necessarily.
DEE
[Brightly] Maybe you could introduce me to him. He sounds interesting.
GUY
And THIS is from the gal who said that I was interested only in "having HAD" sex, rather than HAVING sex!
DEE
Look, Guy---I haven't told you this before, but I think you were put out because Dick wasn't as---uh---enthusiastic toward you after he came with me that night. I think you didn't want to be---sloppy seconds.
GUY
No---but if you want to get into it, I WILL tell you what really turned me off. But I don't think you're going to like it.
DEE
[Slightly worried] That's not important. Tell me.
GUY
You were so GOOD with him that I felt left out. Hell, maybe you CAN get off with just anyone. If so, what makes OUR relationship so special?
DEE
[With relief] You've got it all backwards. BECAUSE I was so good with him---that IS what makes our relationship so special! It's OUR relationship that I'm IN, not a relationship with HIM.
GUY
Is that sour grapes? Maybe you wanted me to take Jane away from HIM so that you could shack up with Dick from here on out!
DEE
Do you think that if you had great sex with Jane that THAT would kill THEIR relationship? I'm sorry, Guy, you're really not that powerful.
GUY
Why did I think this talking was supposed to make me feel BETTER? [GUY caricatures DEE.] "You're really not that powerful." That's supposed to make me feel GOOD?
DEE
It's to make you understand how strong THEIR relationship is! I wouldn't have suggested that foursome if I thought it would damage EITHER relationship. I wanted it to be a GROWING experience, not a DESTRUCTIVE experience.
GUY
Growing? What's GROWING about fucking everyone in sight?
[GAY GUY is heard beginning another session with himself. DEE speaks in a fierce whisper, in order not to be heard across the partition.]
DEE
Being with SOMEONE is better than being with YOURSELF. That poor guy over there would be better off if he directed some of that energy into FINDING someone to BE with. So if ONE person is good to BE with, why not three or four? You don't just eat hamburger, you eat fish and chicken and pork chops and---
GUY
Boloney!
DEE
Well, OK, bologna, but---
GUY
No, I mean boloney: bullshit---not bologna, cold cuts!
DEE
[Sarcastically.] You can eat bullshit if YOU want to, but---
GUY
YOU are the one who's feeding it to ME! Sex doesn't have anything to do with eating---eating doesn't have anything to do with sex---
DEE
Why the hell not---it's all APPETITES, isn't it?
GUY
Don't play reductionist word-games with me, Dee! Everyone's got to EAT, but sex is different----sex is SACRED----
DEE
THERE you go; I TOLD you it was because you were raised as a Catholic! Why should sex be any more sacred than eating, or pissing, or taking a good, holy, blessed CRAP?
GUY
You can't get BABIES by pissing or taking a crap, that's why.
DEE
BABIES? Who's talking about babies? That's like saying you gotta be careful when you're eating, because you might be poisoned. You can't stop eating because you might be poisoned---and you can't stop having sex because you might have babies! You just----take care of yourself.
[GAY GUY has another audible orgasm. DEE and GUY glare at each other silently.]
DEE
Like he just took care of himself.
GUY
Look------where the hell WERE we?
DEE
We ARE right HERE, enjoying a lively conversation because we know each other well enough to trust each other with very important thoughts. If I was just some dumb broad you picked up, we wouldn't be talking like this. [Pause.] AND if I didn't know you well enough---maybe better than you know yourself!---I wouldn't have trusted you and me with Dick and Jane. [Pause.] Can't you see that? It's BECAUSE we have such a great, open, wonderful, trusting, LOVING relationship that I thought we could----bring OTHERS into it, show OTHERS how good we are together----
GUY
Count me out when you want us to have sex on 42nd Street.
DEE
That WOULD be wrong: there's no one on 42nd Street that I'd want to----open our relationship for. If WE are great, we can only improve it by joining ANOTHER couple that are great TOO. [Pause.] Don't you SEE?
GUY
Sure: we aren't married, so we make it even better by getting it on with ANOTHER couple that isn't married.
DEE
Guy---who let HER into this conversation?
GUY
Her? WHO-her?
DEE
Who-her? Your MOTHER----THAT'S who-her! That wasn't you talking about unmarried sex, that was your old reliable A-number-one bitch talking. [Pause.] NOW he sees it. [Pause.] I'm sorry---that was mean. But true! [Pause. DEE reaches out for GUY.] C'mere. THIS Mama loves you, even though your real Mama did her best to make you incapable of ANY love at all. [GAY GUY starts gasping toward another orgasm as GUY moves closer to DEE.] You've come a long way between your Mama and me, but, gosh, Guy, wouldn't it be great if you could go ANOTHER whole long way? [Pause.] Wouldn't that be great? [GAY GUY produces the sounds of a totally exhausted orgasm.] God, THAT should finish him off---the poor slob!
GUY
Are you talking to yourself, God, or did you have another God in mind?
DEE
No, I was talking to the us-God: the God that's me AND you---AND the poor guy who just came through your pass-through. [Pause.] We-God oughta do something for him.
GUY
[He draws himself away from DEE to focus on her.] What are you talking about?
DEE
I don't know. Don't you feel sorry for him?
GUY
Him? No! I feel sorry for ME because I KNOW me. I don't know him, so I don't feel sorry for him.
DEE
Wrong again, chum! C'mon, you feel sorry for some starving kid in a picture from Somalia---you don't know him but you feel sorry for him.
GUY
OK, then I don't feel sorry for the guy next door because I DO know him: he orders yucky Mexican food rather than trying that good Chinese down the block; he's too lazy to join the gym but all he does is fantasize about bodybuilders in his videotapes---
DEE
You DO know---HOW do you know so much about this guy?
GUY
Well---he's usually a lot more verbal than he was this evening---and----
DEE
And?
GUY
And---well---I loosened one of the slats in the shutter on the pass-through, so I could see what he was looking at on TV.
DEE
Can't he see you?
GUY
No, I shut the lights off in here before I look through.
DEE
What if he heard you---what if he hears US?
GUY
Not a chance: he wears headphones most of the time---most of the time it's so loud I can hear the bass-beat thumping right through the earphones.
DEE
This really IS sad. Don't you think we should do something about it?
GUY
DO? What could we---what would YOU want to do about him? Make him straight? Send him a do-him-yourself bodybuilder? Re-record his videotapes with "Beach Blanket Bingo"?
DEE
No, none of that seems to be it.
GUY
Then just drop it.
DEE
Maybe---just maybe----we could---handle---two problems----at once.
GUY
Kill two birds with one stone?
DEE
You could----
GUY
You mean I'M one of the birds?
DEE
What if that were YOU over there---would you want me to help you out?
GUY
But that's NOT me---and I KNOW you. I'd WANT you to help ME out.
DEE
So if you got to KNOW him, you might WANT to help him out?
GUY
Why would I want to get to know him?
DEE
He's a fellow human being---and he's in agony.
[GAY GUY begins to groan, audibly desperate, toward yet another climax.]
GUY
Sure he's in agony---he's probably jerking himself to a bloody stump!
DEE
But can't you hear how desperate he is? He's like a drunk, taking yet another drink even though he's totally plotzed. Like a fattie forcing down an éclair even though he's completely stuffed.
GUY
After he squeezes the cream out of THIS éclair, he'll probably go to bed. He hasn't gone beyond four so far.
DEE
AHA! You ARE interested in him.
GUY
No, I---
DEE
Bullshit! You---
GUY
C'mon, Dee, you know I don't like it when you use foul language---
DEE
YOU are using the foul language when you say you have no interest in him! Even if you HATE him, that's an INTEREST! You actually count how many times he jerks off in a night---that PROVES that you can't ignore him. I'm just asking that you channel that energy into doing something constructive for him.
GUY
Why are YOU so interested in this guy? You've never even MET him---for all you know he might be 75 and armless----well, not armless----
DEE
If a guy were 75 and came four times in an hour----THAT would be a reason to be interested. Look, he's so obviously desperate, and lonely----
GUY
And oversexed----
DEE
That it's only HUMAN to want to help him. [GAY GUY is gasping and groaning louder and louder, pursuing the elusive orgasm.] LISTEN to him. [GUY begins to laugh with sheer embarrassment. DEE gets angry.] Stop that! That's a soul in PAIN. [GUY continues to laugh, but as GAY GUY practically screams into an orgasm, GUY stops laughing. Then, quietly, GAY GUY begins to sob. The sobbing continues.] What----did I tell you?
GUY
[His voice is choked with emotion.] I guess---you're right.
DEE
[DEE holds GUY close.] I can do this for you, now. What can we---what can YOU think of to do for him?
GUY
God, Dee, I don't know.
DEE
You have to think of something.
GUY
Me? I thought it was you who wanted to help him!
DEE
No, I thought we---SOMEONE should do something. But----then----sometimes I'm not very good at---[Dee sighs deeply.]---at deciding exactly what to do.
GUY
What's going on?
DEE
[There are tears in her voice.] I know he needs help, but I don't know how to help him.
GUY
Dee, are you being that emotional about----someone next door that you don't know?
DEE
No, I was just thinking about----my son.
GUY
Hey, no fair! If I can't mention him---
DEE
Stop it! This is not the time for---pettiness.
GUY
OK. [Softly.] Dee, what's going on?
DEE
That crying---[They both listen, but the crying has died away; the flickering light from the TV has gone out. ]---sounded just like Guy---when---
GUY
[Gently.] What---happened?
DEE
I don't know where to begin.
GUY
I've never been a traditionalist, Dee. Give me the punch line, then work backward if you have to.
DEE
He thinks he might be gay.
GUY
Jesus.
DEE
Him too, but I think my son, Guy, might be gay.
GUY
What makes you think so?
DEE
First of all, he told me.
GUY
And?
DEE
Well, of course I didn't want to believe him.
GUY
And?
DEE
I---uh---I guess I tried to make him a liar.
GUY
How did you do that?
DEE
You don't want to know.
GUY
You may not want to TELL me, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know.
DEE
Oh, Guy, you're giving me so many new reasons why I love you so much.
GUY
Well, no matter how hard you try, I'm not going to become perfect just for you. Now tell me how you tried to make your son a liar.
DEE
I got him to go to bed with a girl.
GUY
GOD, Dee, do you think that going to bed solves EVERY problem?
DEE
[Laughing ruefully.] You'd think SO, wouldn't you? What's even better, I don't even LEARN when I make the same stupid-ass mistake again and again. So that's why---you know---
GUY
So that's why you would NOT suggest that I try to bed down with the wanker next door?
DEE
That IS a danger in being too close to someone---they can read your mind in even its craziest, wackiest---
GUY
Don't you mean wankiest----[DEE and GUY laugh hysterically, both close to tears.] But you have to finish: what happened when Guy went to bed with a girl?
DEE
It was worse than a disaster: the girl ended up calling him a faggot---and then she told everyone in their school that my son is a homo.
GUY
Dee, what on EARTH made you THINK----
DEE
That's the trouble; I didn't think. I wanted to---to SAVE him, so I just pushed him---to do something---to save my own self-esteem.
GUY
It's not the mother's fault, don't you know that?
DEE
NO, I DON'T know that. It tears me apart! I keep saying that everyone should develop what's best in himself---or herself---GOD, I hate this PC language! And then when my own flesh tells me he thinks he's queer, I scream "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!" Oh, sure, I should encourage him, and pick out positive role models, and protect him from the ignorance of the masses---and what do I do? Throw him into bed with the class bimbo. Great, intelligent, know-it-all Earth Mother. ME! Dee Dipshit in person!
GUY
[Cuddling DEE.] Oh, Dee. Oh, oh, Dee.
DEE
Hey, what-say we go next door and tell Mr. Jerkoff how great it is to be perfectly straight.
GUY
Shhh, shhh. Oh, Dee, my love.
DEE
What would I do without you, Guy, my love? I've lost Guy, my son and my love, but at least I've got you.
GUY
At LEAST? I'm better than THAT! I can be Mr. Fixit. Is there any way I can help with Guy? What if this world-famous straight-arrow tells your son that there's nothing wrong with being gay, that his beautiful mother will continue to love him even if he ends up---[Long pause.]----is THAT what got you concerned about the guy next door?
DEE
That---THAT?? Ohhhhh---no?
GUY
No?
DEE
Yes? Guy, I'm exhausted. I can't---I can't take this any further.
GUY
You mean it's up to me?
DEE
I don't mean anything. I can't tell anyone what to do. I can't make my own life work so what right do I have to try to meddle in someone else's---death.
GUY
Death?
DEE
Yeah, I heard me say that too. Can I SAY that was a slip of the tongue, that I STILL don't mean anything? I mess everything up and still want to---change everything for the better. Who am I to know what "better" even MEANS?
GUY
I agree with you. You ARE exhausted. We should sleep. Do you have to be home for Guy in the morning?
DEE
No, he knows the number here; he'd phone if there was any problem. He's used to getting his own breakfast by now. [Pause.] Well, I sure know how to wreck an evening, don't I?
GUY
I'll steal one of your speeches: how could an evening be wrecked if we learned so much about---everything.
DEE
OK, smartie, what did you learn? Name three things.
GUY
Hmmm. One: no one knows nothin' about anything.
DEE
That's a good start. I'll give you two: there's no one, nowhere, better than we are.
GUY
[Laughing.] That really follows. Three----um, I'll bet you'll never guess.
DEE
I thought the first two just about covered everything.
GUY
Everything but the guy next door, who---whom?---I've pretty much decided to see.
DEE
Oh, Guy!
GUY
How's that for perversity? It's just been proven beyond a doubt that no one can do a damn thing for anyone else, and I've decided to stick my finger into the pie next door.
DEE
Have you thought about how you're going to do it?
GUY
The old faithful route: through the stomach.
DEE
You're going to buy a proctoscope?
GUY
You're not exhausted, you're positively psychotic! I'd actually thought of getting there from the other direction.
DEE
You're going to feed him?
GUY
Anything would be an improvement on that awful Mexican stuff he orders in.
DEE
Uh, this worthless woman just thought of another way into his fancy.
GUY
Yes?
DEE
Well, as part of your incomparable greatness, you may be reluctant to admit it, but you DO have the greatest ass this side of----well, this side of the pass-through.
GUY
I should moon him through the pass-through?
DEE
No, dumdum, wear those killer shorts you saved from high school.
GUY
Are you out of your mind? They're killer shorts because I can't breathe in them; I'm even afraid to sit down in them for fear the seams'll bust.
DEE
You've unconsciously been saving them for the perfect occasion, and THIS is that occasion. Oh, God, Guy, what a wonder you are!
GUY
Let's hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew.
DEE
I'll be kind and not read obscene meanings into that. You really are the most sweet man.
GUY
You're only saying that because it's too late for you to go anywhere else---
DEE
And the guy next door is clearly out of commission for the evening---
GUY
---the morning, you mean---
DEE
So kiss me, my sweet man----[They embrace closely.]----ummmm, if he could do it FOUR times----
GUY
I suppose, if you really FORCED me, I could manage two times---at LEAST.
[They laugh and move together as the lights dim and the scene ends.]