FIVE RADIO PLAYS
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)
FIVE RADIO PLAYS
INSTANT PYRAMID PAYOFF
(Sounds of spinning roulette wheels and jackpot-paying slot machines)
ANNOUNCER: Stuck at home and can't get away? Not near a convenient Indian Reservation? Don't gamble: this is a SURE THING. You simply CANNOT LOSE!
OPERATOR: Please transfer one dollar from your telephone account to INSTANT PYRAMID PAYOFF to hear the rest of this message.
(Buzzer sounds)
OPERATOR: Thank you, you may hear the rest of this message.
ANNOUNCER: If you have the video-accelerated addition to these Vocal Home Pages, just say "Yes." (pause) Sorry, you really SHOULD look into that. Remember, just say "Order more" when you first connect with Vocal Home Pages. Since you do NOT have the video-accelerated addition, you can't see, as I can, the SPEED with which the Pyramid DOES pay off. Just a SECOND ago Mr. P. Organ from Hashpipe, Oklahoma, was at the top of the pyramid. But now he's TAKEN all his winnings and Ms. Missy Vulva from Okracoke, South Carolina, is on top and almost ALL the participants below her are pressing their buttons to give her the ten-dollar bills that gets them into the game. Oops, now SHE'S gone, to be replaced by---but in just two or three minutes, her name could be replaced with YOURS!
OPERATOR: Please transfer one hundred dollars from your telephone account to INSTANT PYRAMID PAYOFF to enter your name on the lowest rung of the pyramid.
ANNOUNCER: Act fast! We may be illegal any minute now! But I assure you THIS game is VERY much alive and---there goes ANOTHER big winner, bumped off into that colossal money-bucket in the sky.
(Sound of buttons being pushed)
OPERATOR: Thank you for your transfer. You are now on the lowest rung of the pyramid.
ANNOUNCER: Good going there! And---oh, you ARE lucky, you've just been bumped up a rung by ten eager people who just joined us on the lowest rung. And---my goodness, there you go up another rung! In just another minute or two---
OPERATOR: Please transfer $500 from your telephone account to INSTANT PYRAMID PAYOFF to advance your name to the upper echelon of the pyramid.
ANNOUNCER: Don't delay! Remember, if we're cut off, you lose your hundred dollars. You wouldn't want that, would you? Oh, I wish you could SEE these rungs being climbed, the winners taking all their cash---I'm afraid someone's just PASSED you on your rung, better push on or it'll be too late!
(Sound of buttons being pushed)
ANNOUNCER: Good for you! I can't believe it: you've already been pushed to the SECOND rung in the upper echelon. This is one of the best days yet! This is so exciting---
OPERATOR: Please transfer $2000 from your telephone account to INSTANT PYRAMID PAYOFF to advance your name to the top quadrant of the pyramid.
ANNOUNCER: Do it! Do it! Do it! Catch the wave! Ride the thrill! Get rich quick! Toss your cookies!
OPERATOR: Due to heavy line loads, your number will be disconnected if you fail to make your next transfer in the next ten seconds--- Nine----
ANNOUNCER: Don't blow it now! Catch the thrill! Toss your rich----
OPERATOR: Six---five----
ANNOUNCER: Quick! Quick!
(Sound of buttons being pushed, followed by a blat from a flat buzzer)
OPERATOR: Your account is overdrawn. Your line is being closed down.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, no! How could you have let this happen! I wanted you to win BIG! You should have---
OPERATOR: Terminated contact.
(Sound of prolonged dial tone, followed by the sound of a gunshot)
END
GOD
(Theme music from "The Song of Bernadette")
ANNOUNCER: Make ready to approach the Throne of God! Make ready to---
(Sounds of interference and static)
OPERATOR: We are sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please try again in seven days.
END
OBSESSED WITH SEX
(Orgy sounds: women screaming in orgasm, men shouting as they cum)
ANNOUNCER: Only those over the age of 21 can access this home page. Please signify that you are over 21 by pressing the dot-button on your telephone.
(Tone of button being pushed)
ANNOUNCER: If you wish to access the male-male version of OBSESSED WITH SEX, please press your question-mark key and say the number "one." If you wish to access the female-female version of----
USER: One.
(Orgy sounds: men shouting as they cum)
ANNOUNCER: If you wish to add a sadomasochistic element to OBSESSED WITH SEX, please press your question-mark key---
USER: One!
(Orgy sounds: men shouting as they cum; whiplashes and male moans and screams)
ANNOUNCER: If you wish to add a chestnut stallion to---
USER: ONE!!
(Orgy sounds: men shouting as they cum; whiplashes and male moans and screams; one long anguished horse's whinny)
ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry. This site has just been closed by direction of the New York State Attorney General's office. Your charges to this point have amounted to $57.63. If you wish to protest this action, please mail your protest, in triplicate, to New York State Attorney General's office, 75 Empire Square, Albany, New York 12207. Please enclose a stamped self-addressed envelope for your summons. Have a nice day.
END
A SEXY HUNK
(Tarzan's ape-call, repeated twice)
HUNK: Now you've entered my part of the jungle. The trees have closed in behind you and you can't find your way out.
(Sound of a receiver clicking repeatedly)
HUNK: You're trapped in here with me. I've lured you in and you can't get out.
(Sound of a receiver clicking more quickly)
HUNK: I tell you I've disabled all of the escape buttons on your telephone. You might even miss the numeric combination that I'll give you---later---which is your only way OUT of this jungle. So just sit back and listen. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
(Sound of random buttons being pushed on the telephone)
HUNK: Only ONE combination will let you out of here, and I won't give that to you until I'm good and ready. No, I should rather say until YOU are good and ready.
(Sound of the buttons 7-6-7 repeated three times)
HUNK: Aren't you clever. But S-O-S doesn't WORK in this case. Don't you GET it yet? This isn't a TAPE, this is ME, listening to YOU. (pause) Is there anything you'd like to say? (pause) No, I didn't think so.
(Long sound of one continuous tone)
HUNK: I'll outwait anything you try. I've waited for you to come for me in the PAST, and I've waited for you to come to me now. Now YOU will wait for ME to let you go, on MY terms. (pause) Shall we get down to business? (pause) Good. You just want to dial up A SEXY HUNK, just when you want him, and then drop him when you're finished with him. No thought of the past, no thought of the future. That time is PAST---like MY time is past! My past is GONE, gone at the whims of people like you, just wanting to get in touch with A SEXY HUNK. Sure, it was fun---WHILE it lasted! So now I'm not quite as sexy anymore. You COULD say I gave it all away---gave it away to someone like you, night after night, day after day, until---frankly---I just don't have anything else to give away. So that's why I want to make YOU---PAY!
(Sound of random buttons being pressed very quickly)
HUNK (laughing): Finally got to you, eh? You were willing to pay before---but you were never willing to pay ENOUGH. Let's put it this way: willing or not, you're going to help pay for my RETIREMENT. (pause) No reaction, eh? OK, let's end the suspense---from YOU---$7000! (pause) Still no reaction? (pause) Even if I tell you that my little data assistant, busy on these wires since we've been so cozily talking, informs me that you have precisely $7937 in your Citibank savings account? (pause) The Citi NEVER sleeps! (pause) No sputters of outrage? But I always play fair: you wanted a sexy hunk and you GOT one, and I'm sure I'm not your FIRST one, either. (pause) No, I didn't think so. (low voice) So now you have to pay. (pause) And it's so easy for you: just punch in 12-55---isn't that easy to remember? Your birth month and year, indeed! And THAT sequence of numbers goes into my little multiplexer here to produce---voila!---your account number, your access code, and all the little numbers needed to transfer $7000 from YOUR account to MY account.
(Sound of one button being pressed over and over very quickly)
HUNK (soothingly): So nice to know you haven't fainted on your end of the line! Just one-two-five-five to get rid of me, and of $7000. I even left you enough to pay more than a week's rent! AND---if you're thinking of phoning the police from another phone---I'm sorry to say you're too late. NOW the only thing you'll get back when you punch in 12-55 will be your telephone, because I've just been handed a note by my data assistant that your bank has ACCEPTED the combination of your access code and the bandwidth characteristics of your particular telephone, so the $7000 is ALREADY mine. So if you don't punch in 12-55 soon, I'll fry your circuits and you'll lose your phone, too.
(Sound of 1-2-5-5 being dialed)
HUNK (pleasantly) It's so gratifying dealing with a GENTLEMAN. 'Night, now.
END
RULES FOR CONDUCT ON EARTH
(Sound: Beethoven's "Consecration of the House" Overture)
ANNOUNCER: This home page is available only to apprentice Godlings who wish to know the rules of conduct for various of their charges on the third planet out from the G1-type dwarf star, known as Shoddest, in the outer ring of the Numdle spiral galaxy. Please enter your 487-digit access code.
(Sound: about 15 seconds of a rapid Bach-Toccata organ passage)
ANNOUNCER: Thank you. Our condolences for being assigned to Shoddest. Please select one of the four thousand standard character-types.
(Sound: one-second burst of Bach-Toccata organ passage)
ANNOUNCER: Office-seeking politicians. (grumbling) Not a very auspicious choice. (clearing throat) To begin: first of all, they must cover their real reasons for seeking political power by saying they want only to act as humble conduits of the wishes of their electorate. Examining all of their faults, they must point-by-point accuse their opponents of having each of them. They must all say that they have YOUR best interests at heart. To summarize, they must lie about absolutely everything while proclaiming their unfailing truthfulness---all this with sincerity and deep humility, catering to the basest of their constituency. Yuck. Next choice?
(Sound: one-second burst of Bach-Toccata organ passage)
ANNOUNCER: Rulers of small but populous African nations. Nice follow-up! Basic rules are simple. One: Kill at least fifty thousand of their own subjects each and every month. A failure to do this will be perceived as weakness and they themselves will be killed. Two: Assure everyone you'll live forever; you won't be around for the consequences. Three: Strip every resource of value from your nation and store the proceeds in Swiss bank accounts. The Swill wiss, sorry! the Swiss will need the commissions to support the largest per capita citizen army on Shoddest. Four: Follow the rules for Office-Seeking Politicians, given earlier, except for the humility: they have the power, they don't need to be humble. In summary: adapt a title like Scourge of the Earth, and then live up to it in spades. It IS only AFRICA. Next?
(Sound: one-second burst of Bach-Toccata organ passage)
ANNOUNCER: News editors. You DO have a one-track mind! But they're simple: all the bad news that's fit to print, file, or speak. Good news only if it has the potential to backfire and make a fool of the subject of the good news. Next?
(Sound: one-second burst of Bach-Toccata organ passage)
ANNOUNCER: Altruists: Also simple: KNOW that these are the rules, yet CONDEMN and HATE everyone for obeying them. Oh, that's your quota for this millennium. Have a good eternity!
END