GIFT OF THE ALIEN, EARLY VERSION

 (A One Act Play by Bob Zolnerzak)

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BOB: Middle-aged and slightly out of shape.

ALLEN: Younger and very attractive.

SCENE

Manhattan apartment living room. Ordinary furniture.

TIME

The near future.

AT RISE

BOB and ALLEN are seated, facing each other. Neither quite knows what to say. Both look around at the apartment.

 

BOB
Forgive the apartment, it's a mess.

ALLEN
That's OK.

BOB
Would you like a drink, or something?

ALLEN
That's OK.

BOB
Well, Allen, I----uh----

ALLEN
I guess I should correct that.
BOB: Correct---what?
ALLEN: My name. Allen.
BOB: Isn't that what your ad in HX said?
ALLEN: Yes, but "Allen" is incorrect. I even spelled it for them, but it came out Allen, which is incorrect.
BOB: What's it supposed to be?
ALLEN: Alien: a--l--i--e--n.
BOB: Alien??
ALLEN: Yes, I am an alien.
BOB: But---where are you from?
ALLEN: There is no word for that in your language.
BOB: Language? What language do you speak?
ALLEN (pause): There is no word for that in your language.
BOB (slow realization): You're not from----here----at all?
ALLEN (smiling): No, I am not from this planetesimal.
BOB (pause): Uh----
ALLEN (smiling): And I am not out of my mind, either.
BOB (pause): Ah----
ALLEN (smiling): You are not out of your mind, either.
BOB (quickly): At least you aren't able to read my mind!
ALLEN (smiling): To be exact, I am able to read your mind, but I choose not to read your mind during this conversation.
BOB (pause): Er----
ALLEN: So what were you thinking?
BOB: How I could get you out of here without offending you.
ALLEN (frowning): That isn't precise. If you got me out of here before I finished what I came to offer you, you would be offended.
BOB: What you came to offer me?
ALLEN: Yes. (pause) You would like to live forever.
BOB: Ahhh---yes, I would like to live forever.
ALLEN: Then you would be offended if I did not offer you the chance to live forever.
BOB: Do you mind if I had a drink?
ALLEN: Actually, I would. I would also mind if you had a smoke, or went to sleep, or stopped listening to me.
BOB (pause): I don't know what to say.
ALLEN: I'll start for awhile: do you believe I'm an alien?
BOB (pause: thinking about it): No.
ALLEN: Why?
BOB: Well, since I've never met one----no, that's not quite right.
ALLEN: Start again.
BOB: You haven't proved it to me, so I can't be sure.
ALLEN: Good start! How can I prove to you that I'm an alien!
BOB (thinking, then laughing): You could take me to where you've come from, then I could decide for myself if it was an alien place.
ALLEN: Bad start! I can't do that. Sorry about that. Start again.
BOB (thinking): Can you---I don't know---change shapes, or fly, or disappear---------and then come back?
ALLEN: I don't know enough about your point of view.
BOB: What do you mean----my point of view?
ALLEN: I know quite a bit about your-----by "your," I mean what you call "earthpeople's" point of view, but I don't know specifics about your, Bob's, point of view.
(BOB stares. Pause) Do you dorble?
BOB: Dorble?
ALLEN: Sorry. OK, you don't dorble. Do you dream?
BOB: Sure, everybody dreams.
ALLEN (thoughtfully): OK, so everyone dreams and you don't dorble----on the other hand, do you pradicate?
BOB: Predicate?
ALLEN: No, "predicate" is verbal, "pradicate" is commensal.
BOB: I know what commensal means---sharing the same table, but I've never heard of----pradication? What is it?
ALLEN (laughing): That would be like explaining what a Thormian is to someone who's never seen a Blant!!
BOB: A blant! I've never even bumped into a----a---- priblegast!
ALLEN (serious): A priblegast? What's a priblegast?
BOB (laughing): It's just a word I made up, like you're making up words---tharmions and blants!
ALLEN (serious): Thormians and Blants. Thormians don't like to be made fun of, so be careful!
BOB (not laughing): So you are----being serious?
ALLEN (patiently): I have to find out where you are. I've pretty much got you boxed in now: you dream, but you don't pradicate---and you've obviously never seen a Blant.
BOB: What is a blant?
ALLEN: It's a----wait a minute, we're going in the wrong direction. Let's see (pause), you dream but you don't pradicate---let me ask you this: what's real.
BOB: Real?
ALLEN: What can you see, taste, touch, trig, smell----
BOB: Trig?
ALLEN: Trig! (Pause) Ah, what are you doing with these?
(ALLEN flips his ears with his fingertips.)
BOB: My ears? I hear you with my ears.
ALLEN: You only hear me? You don't trig me?
BOB: I don't know what you mean! How can I tell if I'm "only" hearing you and not "trigging" you if I don't know what "trigging" means!
ALLEN: This isn't easy. (pause) Did you hear me?
BOB: Yes, you said "This isn't easy."
ALLEN: No, after that.
BOB: Then you asked if I heard you.
ALLEN: OK, so you don't trig me.
BOB (exasperated): I don't know what you're talking about.
ALLEN: Wait. Wait. Let me start again. (pause) You wear glasses, so you know what an eyechart is.
BOB: Yes, I know what an eyechart is.
ALLEN: How good is your vision.
BOB: Corrected, with glasses, it's twenty-twenty.
ALLEN: Twenty-twenty. But, you know, some people have ten-twenty vision, and some have thirty-twenty vision, uncorrected?
BOB: I guess so, I don't know exactly how it goes. Do some people have one-twenty vision and some have, I don't know, five-thousand-twenty vision?
ALLEN (excited): Yes, precisely! You've got it! There's a scale of vision, and some people have one-twenty vision and some people have five-thousand-twenty vision and some have twenty-twenty vision. But if I know you have twenty-twenty vision, I can----show you things that you can see that the others can't see, or would have trouble adjusting to seeing.
BOB: But that's just the way---that's just the shape of my eyeball----
ALLEN: I know, I know, don't get me off the track. So in the audio sense you can hear but you can't trig. Tell me the colors in your rainbow.
BOB: Uh, blue, red, yellow, green, orange----
ALLEN (astounded): Blue, red! Yellow! In that order??
BOB: No, not in that order. What is it---gosh, I can never remember which is on the bottom and which is on top; anyway, in whatever order, it's, uh, (pointing to a spectrum from side to side) red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet.
ALLEN (relieved): OK. Anything beyond violet?
BOB: Uh, we call it "ultraviolet," but we can't see it.
ALLEN: OK, beyond red?
BOB: That's infrared, but we can't see that, either.
ALLEN: OK, so you've got one octave.
BOB: Octave, like in music?
ALLEN: Do you have one octave in music?
BOB: No, we have----there are many octaves.
ALLEN: There are very many octaves, but I want to know how many you can hear.
BOB: I don't know---what, there are 88 keys on a piano, and---I don't know much about this, you'll find out---so if there are eight notes in an octave----wait, there are sharps and flats---wait, is it twelve-tone music? Are there twelve notes in an octave?
ALLEN: That's what I'm asking you.
BOB: I don't know---well, there's five black keys, so eight notes and five sharps and flats make---thirteen? But I guess the last one is the first one of the next one----
ALLEN: I'm not following this.
BOB: I'm not either, but let's say 88 divided by 12 is, what, 88 divided by 12 is, seven times 12 is 84---maybe I've done something wrong, but a piano has about seven octaves.
ALLEN: And that's all you can hear?
BOB: No, I everyone can hear below and above those notes, and dogs can hear way above that.
ALLEN (surprised): Dogs can trig?
BOB (impatient): There you go again: how do I know if dogs can do what you call "trigging!"
ALLEN: Sorry, let's go back to the color-octave. That's easier.
BOB: Sure it's easier. There's only one.
ALLEN: Uh, no.
BOB: Sure there's only one. That's how we can make a color wheel!
ALLEN: Well, a color wheel is actually a misconception.
BOB: Misconception! Isn't it useful? How red, when you add more yellow, becomes orange, until it's all yellow?
ALLEN: Oh, it works fine with pigments---just add blue to red and it becomes violet, or purple----
BOB: I never knew the difference between violet and purple, either.
ALLEN: It comes down to definitions of words; it relies on putting words to the results of attending to senses that---uh, people share in different ways. Let's not get off the track. (pause) A color wheel is fine for pigments, but the color wavelengths----you know about wavelengths?
BOB: Yeah, every color has a wavelength----
ALLEN: A range of wavelengths----
BOB: Yeah, a range of wavelengths---so at some wavelength one color, like red, changes into another color, like orange.
ALLEN: At some range of wavelengths----
BOB: Right. I guess at one wavelength, someone might describe a color as "more red than orange" and someone else might describe it as "more orange than red."
ALLEN: Very good. Something very precise objectively, like the specific wavelength of a color, can be the subject of a subjective disagreement: is this color more orange than red, or more red than orange.
BOB: So then what?
ALLEN: Red changes to orange when the wavelength of the color decreases. What happens to red when the wavelength increases?
BOB: The other side of red is the infrared. The infrared is----I think infra is below?----
ALLEN: Yes.
BOB: Wait: the wavelength of red increases to the infrared, that sounds backward.
ALLEN: A small terminological problem. The inverse of wavelength is frequency, and the frequency of the radiation below red is called infrared radiation.
BOB: I may be losing it.
ALLEN: We've made a good start: (ticking off points on fingers) one, we know that words are confusing. Two, we know that you think you have one frequency of colors and maybe ten frequencies of sounds. Three, we know that one measure, like frequency, can be decreasing while another measure, like wavelength, can be increasing. (pause) That's a very good start.
BOB (pause, sheepishly): I forget where we're going.
ALLEN: I'm proving to you that I'm an alien. I don't have to prove it to myself.
BOB: I think my mind is going. Why do you have to prove you're an alien?
ALLEN: So you'll believe me when I offer you eternal life.
BOB: Oh......that.
ALLEN: That.
BOB: If I know you're an alien I'll believe you if you offer me eternal life.
ALLEN: Not "if." "When."
BOB: Ah.
ALLEN: Shall I continue? [BOB shrugs and waves his hands to signify continuance.] Good. Can you believe there could be colors, both below the infrared and above the ultraviolet in frequencies, that are visible colors, with names, for----ah----people different from you?
BOB (expansively): Sure. Why not.
ALLEN: Maybe I should interject here----
BOB: Interject all you like----
ALLEN: That what I'm telling you is only from my point of view. I don't pretend to have all scientific knowledge---just knowledge "different" enough from yours to open you to the possibility that I might be an alien, so that I can-----
BOB: So that you can-----?
ALLEN: Well, not to get ahead of myself, but I guess I can tell you that there is a physical way I can prove to you that I'm an alien----
BOB: A physical way------?
ALLEN: But you have to be prepared for it----I have to open you up a bit----
BOB: You have to open me up a bit-----??
ALLEN: Don't worry about it! I can see that I am getting ahead of myself. It'll all come out all right in the end.
BOB: I presume you're aware of----ah----possible sexual overtones to what you're saying?
ALLEN (smiling): Of course.
BOB: Oh.
ALLEN: Yes.
BOB: Oh.
ALLEN (after a pause): To continue.
BOB: Sure.
ALLEN: We---I'm sorry, let me keep this simple----I know and use three octaves of color. Of course I have no way of proving this to you. Owing to our problems with words, it would do you no good to hear my names of these other colors, but you can get some idea if I assure you that there is an "infraorange" and an "ultraorange" on either side, in addition to, your "orange." Just are there are "infragreens" of many hues and dozens of shades of "ultrayellows." I could draw three color wheels, if I wanted.
BOB: Wait a minute. If you could draw them, you must have----crayons----of these colors now. So you could show them to me here.
ALLEN (laughing): Congratulations!
BOB: I've proved you're not an alien?
ALLEN (still laughing): No, you've just used the two most difficult words we have to understand.
BOB: Crayons? Colors?
ALLEN (serious): No. The first is "now." The second is "here."
BOB: How so? "Now" is just "right now." "Here" is just "right here."
ALLEN: Watch very closely.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: What did you see.
BOB: Is that a trick?
ALLEN (startled): You saw that?
BOB: No! I didn't see anything! I meant "Is that a trick question."
ALLEN (relieved): Oh! I thought you saw that. I would have misjudged your parameters.
BOB: I see. You "did" something that I didn't see.
ALLEN: Yes. I "did" something "here," which wasn't quite your "here," and "now," which isn't quite your "now."
BOB (melodramatically): Lost, lost! Totally lost!
ALLEN: No, no! We're doing very well. We just have a long way to go!
BOB: By which you mean you have already gone a long way and I have a lot to catch up with.
ALLEN: Please don't think that. I should have said this before. I'm not "better" or "more advanced" than you are; I'm just different. I come from a different "here" and a different "now" than you encounter---ordinarily. It's not a "better" "here," it's just different.
ALLEN (continued): I'm not from a "future" "now," it's just different from anytime on your "past" or "future."
BOB (tentatively): If you say so.
ALLEN (earnestly): No, this is important!

BREAK IN WRITING

ALLEN: Let me try this from another angle.
BOB (seductively): You want me to turn over?
ALLEN (laughing): Close! (serious): Try this (speaking slowly): I can see the wall behind your head, but you can't. You don't have to move forward or backward in time, or even forward or backward in space, to see the wall behind your head. You stay in the same time, you stay in the same place: you just----turn----your head.
BOB (slowly looking behind him): ---And change my entire field of vision.
ALLEN: Precisely.
BOB: But that's not another dimension.
ALLEN: Don't get too complicated too quickly.
BOB (petulantly): But it's NOT another dimension.
ALLEN: No. OK? No: it's not another dimension, (in a loud whisper) if you don't want it to be.
BOB: Want it to be? What does want have to do with it?
ALLEN: This is what I have to do---what we have to do---what you have to do---before I can----"touch" you.
BOB: "Touch" me? I heard those quotes around that word.
ALLEN: That's the physical proof of my being an alien. But it's like the wall behind your head: you have to turn around before you can "feel" it when I "touch" you.
BOB: You can touch me when I have my eyes closed, but I can still feel your touch.
ALLEN (laughing): Not this touch. It will even taste good.
BOB: As long as it's in good taste---ha-ha. But I wouldn't even mind a bit of bad taste now and again.
ALLEN: Let's stay with the visual dimension for awhile. Your eyes are still closed, but you don't know it.
BOB (defensively): I can see!
ALLEN: Some animals have a nictitating membrane in addition to eyelids. They don't have to close their eyes to protect them against wind or dust---they can still see, but dimly.
BOB: "Through a nictitating membrane, darkly."
ALLEN: Or you can compare it to night vision. Take a person sitting in a dark room---
BOB (quickly, sexily): Yes!
ALLEN (ignoring interruption): ---accustomed to the low level of light. He can see much more, in the dark room, than a person who enters from a bright room. It takes a while to get your eyes to accommodate in the dimness.
BOB: You want to take me into a dark room?
ALLEN: No, I'm taking you into a bright room. Visual accommodation works both ways, as you know.
BOB: At least I know something!
ALLEN: You know---more than you think you know----or I wouldn't be here, now.
BOB: "Be here now."
ALLEN: The best advice---unless you'd be better off----somewhen else.
BOB: Words, words, words. Are you sure you wouldn't like a drink?
ALLEN (pause, looking intently at BOB): I'd like some water.
[BOB and ALLEN treat this as a kind of ritual: BOB, as if hypnotized, rises from his seat, exits, and returns with a glass of water, giving it to ALLEN. ALLEN takes it as a precious gift and drinks it, gazing intently at BOB, who returns his gaze. One minute is very intense.]
ALLEN (returning empty glass): Thank you.
BOB (as if jerking awake): Was that it?
ALLEN (smiling): Not yet.
BOB: You mean---it'll be----more?
ALLEN: Yes.
BOB (long pause): Oh.
ALLEN (gradually widening grin): We're getting there.
BOB (sitting down): I guess so.
ALLEN (after long pause): We can look at it another way.
BOB (still affected by the moment): If you say so.
ALLEN: Let's say we're a few years in the future, and one of mankind's fondest dreams comes true: we invent a time machine, enabling a person to go forward or backward in time, at a rate different from the usual rate of one second per second.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: Pretend that you're a volunteer for one of the first test-trips in this new form of time machine. You're not the first, because you know---have talked to---people who have been in the time machine.
ALLEN (continued): They've told you what happened to them, how they felt---how exciting and frightening it was.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: But it hasn't been fully tested: some, small, things might still go wrong. All your fellow volunteers feel anxious before their first trip; you talk about it all the time.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: And there's quite a ritual surrounding your departure: you have to wear a special suit of clothing, you have to make sure your bladder and bowels are empty, your stomach must be neither empty nor full, you shouldn't feel tired, or sick, or physically uncomfortable in any way.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: So you're taking your final piss before stepping into the time machine, and it really hits you hard: me! I, Bob, am soon to enter this fabulous time machine, change my existence in time as few have ever done. I feel elation at the chance. I feel some fear at the dangers. I sense anticipation. I feel excited.
BOB: OK.
ALLEN: I step into the machine. Smile at friends surrounding me. Push down the thought that I may never see them again. Close the door. Push the button. (pause)
BOB: Yes?
ALLEN: And you wake up in the morning for another day.
BOB: What?
ALLEN: You wake up, in your bed, in the morning, ready to start another ordinary day.
BOB: It was a dream?
ALLEN: Not a dream. This is real. You do wake every morning in a time machine that takes you out of your night-mode-----most of which passes without your slightest awareness, except for the fragments that remain as dreams-----into your day-mode, which passes into the future at a steady, reliable pace of one second per second.
BOB: Well, nothing much happens in your night-mode, anyway.
ALLEN: But it does. You know that Sunday Times crossword puzzle that you can't finish Saturday night? Remember how easy it becomes Sunday morning? How many answers just "pop into your head"? Where did they come from?
BOB: You just---sleep on it.
ALLEN: But you make "sleep on it" sound so passive. You don't just "vanish" at night and "reappear" the next morning. Your mind, your body, your emotions, your grafleen, your----
BOB: Grafleen??
ALLEN: You----Oh, wait. [He closes his eyes.] Sorry, my mistake.
BOB: So many lessons, so little time.
ALLEN: No problem---we have all the time we have.
BOB: Do you mean we have all the time we need?
ALLEN: You can't need time---you use time, however you can, as you have it. Or not use time: just----don't----
do.
BOB (long pause): Would you like to listen to some music?
ALLEN: You keep wanting to fill up my [he pauses, counts slowly on his fingers: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven; shakes his head, folds back one finger, looks at "six," on his thumb, shakes his head again] five senses.
BOB: Huh?
ALLEN (holding up one finger): You offer me a drink. (Holding up second finger): You whivver----
BOB: I what?
ALLEN (thinking hard): Sorry------you fart.
BOB (embarrassed): I---hoped you wouldn't notice.
ALLEN (after a thoughtful pause, then laughing): I'm sorry----I seem to be saying that a lot, don't I?----- I keep forgetting precisely which here-now I'm in.
BOB: Yeah, it can be rough. (pause) OK (counting one finger): I offer you something to taste----
ALLEN (counting two fingers): You offer me something to smell-----
BOB (still embarrassed): Uh, yeah. (counting three fingers): I offer you something to hear.
ALLEN: Right. (counting four fingers) You offer me something to touch.
BOB: I do?
ALLEN: Almost since I arrived.
BOB: I offer you something to touch?
ALLEN (smiling): You!
BOB (confused): Yes, I offer you something to touch?
ALLEN (laughing): No, you offer me you to touch!
BOB (still confused): Huh?
ALLEN (laughing, standing and walking toward BOB): Yes, you've been pleading with me to give you a hug, almost since I entered your chambers.
BOB (shrinking back at first, then leaning forward): I----guess you're right.
ALLEN (extending his arms): Then----hug.
[They hug. For a long time. Both enjoy it.]
BOB (muffled in hug): I can't wait to get to taste.
[The hug continues. No movement. Then, slowly, ALLEN breaks away and sits back down. BOB remains standing, dazed.]
BOB: Was----was that-----was that------
ALLEN: No, that wasn't-----what did you call it before?----"it," either.
BOB: Well----that was pretty good.
ALLEN: Of course! Two people touching, rather completely----of course that's pretty good.
BOB: Rather completely? [He touches his shirt.]
ALLEN: Clothes don't have anything to do with it. (thoughtfully): You're making good progress, but we still have a few----hurdles----to get over, before I can directly prove to you that I'm an alien.
BOB (still dazed): I'll take----that----as a down payment.
ALLEN (smiling): Sit down---relax.
BOB (goes toward ALLEN, pauses, goes back to his chair): That's easy for you to say.
ALLEN: Let's go back to (he counts one, two, three on fingers) music.
BOB (getting out of chair): You want me to put something on?
ALLEN: No, I want you to take some things off.
BOB (unbuttoning his shirt's top button): OK.
ALLEN: I told you I'm not talking about clothes. I'm talking about----blindfolds----blinkers----blinders.
(pause): I've got to get you to see the wall behind you----without turning your head.
BOB: ESP?
ALLEN: No, we aren't dealing with "extra" senses. You've got all the senses, but you just haven't learned how to use them.
BOB: I hear music perfectly well.
ALLEN: Do you-----go with it?
BOB: I----I guess so. Sure! I think.
ALLEN: Do you go back to----to where the composer was when the piece was composed?
BOB: No.
ALLEN: Do you go out to---to other people listening to the same piece?
BOB: Sometimes----other people in the room.
ALLEN: Beyond that. (pause) Do you go----do you go forward to the next time you will be listening to the same piece?
BOB: The next time? How can I know-----
ALLEN: This has nothing to do with knowing----this is what I meant by "going with the music."
BOB: Going where with the music.
ALLEN: Being with the music, then. You don't "go" anywhere, you just---------the music-----is!
BOB: When I play my CDs.
ALLEN: Regardless if you play the music or not! It's like----you know an octopus?
BOB: Not personally.
ALLEN: You know what an octopus is.
BOB: Yes----big head, eight arms, suckers----
ALLEN: Good! The head is the composer. We won't consider where the music really comes from at this here-now.
BOB: Yeah. I mean, no.
ALLEN: You're at the end of one of the arms---but the whole arm is still there. Your---part of that music---- is still with the composer.
BOB (puzzled): I'm part of that music?
ALLEN: Good! Yes! You are, for you, anyway, just as important a part of the music as the composer is.
BOB: If I wasn't listening to that piece of music, I wouldn't be a part of it.
ALLEN: Right! And you can connect with others who are listening to that piece of music----
BOB (eagerly): By joining suckers on one arm to suckers on another arm!
ALLEN (wincing): Not quite---but all the arms are connected to the head, so all the arms are connected.
BOB (disappointed): No joining suckers.
ALLEN: Don't stretch the analogy too far. But the octopus is, in fact, stretched out---in time.
BOB: A new octopus every second----per second?
ALLEN: No, the same octopus (pointing to one side): before, (pointing ahead): now, (pointing to the other side): next time, (pointing farther to the other side), the time after that!
BOB (crazily, pointing behind him): And the time after that, (continuing, pointing around a circle): and the time after that, and the time after that, (coming back to the front): until we end up where we started from!
ALLEN (delighted): Yes----you got it!
BOB (not following): Hah?
ALLEN: It does! It is! It's all connected! You go---- around, (making a circle with his arm): and you come back where you've started.
BOB: But----it's not----
ALLEN: What isn't what?
BOB: Time's not a circle.
ALLEN: No, not a circle---it's a multisphere.
BOB: Multisphere?
ALLEN: The next step above a hypersphere.
BOB: Hypersphere?
ALLEN: The next step above a quadrisphere.
BOB: How far does it go.
ALLEN: A quadrisphere is the next step above a trisphere---a sphere in three dimensions.
BOB: Hey, I know something, anyway. (pause): Why does this have to be so complicated?
ALLEN: Well, it's complicated, but once you----travel----in it, it's not difficult.
BOB: Travel in it?
ALLEN: Look, do you worry about the curvature of the earth when you fly from New York to San Francisco?
BOB: Let's get this clear: when I fly in a plane from New York to San Francisco, the plane just flies west.
ALLEN: And a little bit south, and a little bit------ah-----down---
BOB: You---the plane----has gotta land.
ALLEN: No, if you flew directly southwest from New York, for three thousand miles, you'd be----about (closing eyes for a moment): twelve miles above the city.
BOB: I didn't think planes flew that high.
ALLEN: They don't, they keep going "down" as they follow the curvature of the earth.
BOB (proving it to himself with his hands): Yeah, I guess I see what you mean. It's all relative.
ALLEN (pleased): You know relativity?
BOB: I don't know it, but I know about it.
ALLEN: And you know about the cosmological constant?
BOB: Uh, no, you lost me there.
ALLEN (pausing): Well, at least you know it was there (pointing back over his shoulder) when I lost you.
BOB (confused): It wasn't here? (pointing to the floor)
ALLEN: You know we're traveling through space at thousands of miles a second?
BOB: Well, yeah. The earth is spinning---and the earth goes around the sun---and the sun is----I don't know----well, OK, so you lost me there, (pointing over his shoulder): or---maybe you do know which way we're going, (pointing over ALLEN'S shoulder), there.
ALLEN: Good! So----ah----what else is connected?
BOB (ironic): Oh, well, gosh, man, everything is connected.
ALLEN (taking him seriously): How.
BOB: You think I know what I'm talking about?
ALLEN: I was sort of hoping that.
BOB: Well, if people listening to music are connected to the same composer-octopus----
ALLEN: You should probably think of it as a composer-composition-octopus-----
BOB: If they're connected that way, they're probably connected-----
ALLEN: How.
BOB: Gimme a second! (thinking): If everything circles back on itself (BOB waves this arms throughout this), and a circle here becomes a sphere here, and that sphere doubles back on itself----well, here, since that sphere I drew ten second ago is ten thousand miles----
ALLEN: More or less----
BOB: Back there---and then that whole thing doubles back in another dimension----
ALLEN: Good!
BOB: And then THAT whole thing----how many are there?
ALLEN: That's not important---just so you know there's more than five-----
BOB: FIVE? (drawing an air-line horizontally): one. (drawing an air-line back and forth): two. (drawing an air-line up and down): three. (pointing behind him, pointing to the floor, pointing behind ALLEN): four, for time-----(pauses, looking at ALLEN).
ALLEN (dismissive): OK, just so you know there's more than four!
BOB: But where are all these others.
ALLEN (thinking hard): I think----you'd say---they were all curled up inside the five----four!----that you know about.
BOB: Curled up?
ALLEN: Well, you know they're not here, (waving arms through space): so you figure they're here (making a tiny circle with one fist and holding it up against his face).
BOB: Who, you! Me?
ALLEN: Maybe not you, but your scientists, your physicists, your cosmologists, your philosophers.
BOB: They think there are----lots more----dimensions curled up real small? (BOB makes a tiny circle with one fist and holds it up against his face).
ALLEN: But you can---use them----if you have the right point of view.
BOB: My point of view, again?
ALLEN: Sure: you're in a plane and you look down. There, below you, since you're up, is a whole lot of north-south and a whole lot of east-west. But say you're standing in front of a cliff-face. You can see a whole lot of, say, east-west, since you're north, and a whole lot of up-and-down.
BOB: Yeah. OK?
ALLEN: So if you stand here, (ALLEN stands facing audience), and look there, (ALLEN waves hand from left to right along front row of audience), and then, (strobe-lights go ON, freezing ALLEN's arms in varied horizontal positions as his hands cup an imaginary cylinder two feet across and move it back and forth from left to right along front row of audience), you see some east-west (strobe-lights OFF as ALLEN waves hand from left to right along front row of audience), and some before-now-after (strobe-lights ON and ALLEN's "moving-cylinder" movements as before).
BOB (stunned): Shit!
ALLEN (turning to face BOB): What. What did you see?
BOB: You----came and went. You----flickered.
ALLEN: You saw me----flickering?
BOB: Yeah, when you (BOB mimics ALLEN's "moving-cylinder" movements), you----came and went.
ALLEN (delighted): We're getting there!

BREAK IN WRITING

ALLEN: The last step is the hardest.
BOB: I don't think I can take much more of this.
ALLEN (smiling): No, you'll like this part: I promise.
BOB: Oh?
ALLEN: You finally get to take me to bed.
BOB: Ah-----
ALLEN: You do want that?
BOB: Yes! Yes, oh, yes!
ALLEN (relieved): I thought so.
BOB: But----
ALLEN: You're right. There is a "but." The next part is----well, we could call it a bargain.
BOB: A bargain?
ALLEN: Um, maybe a "tradeoff" would be better.
BOB: What kind of tradeoff.
ALLEN: Uh---(pause): This is harder than I thought.
BOB: What!
ALLEN: Uh----did you ever feel you were being watched?
BOB: Watched? When!
ALLEN: Uh---(long pause): When you were jerking off.
BOB: WHAT?
ALLEN (reasonably): I told you: when you were jerking off.
BOB: You were watching me when I jerked off?
ALLEN (defensively): Well, you wanted me to.
BOB: I wanted you to?
ALLEN: Well, not me, directly, but----anyone who was---able to tune in.
BOB: Tune in?
ALLEN: Don't you remember?
BOB: WHEN?
ALLEN: Oh, maybe---what---I'm not very good at this--- maybe thirty years ago?
BOB: You're not even thirty years old!
ALLEN (patiently): I thought you already learned that that is only dependent on your point of view.
BOB (confused): If you say so. But, I'm not even sure where I lived thirty years ago-----
ALLEN: It wasn't where you were living---you were on vacation. In the autumn of the year.
BOB: I used to go to the Adirondacks, with my lover, every autumn----
ALLEN: This was the last year you went with your lover.
BOB: That year---was the year we were breaking up. I wasn't very happy that year.
ALLEN: You seemed pretty happy, to me----in your canoe?
BOB: Canoe? (Suddenly striken): The canoe! At night! Oh, NO!
ALLEN (smiling gleefully): So you do remember. I remember; I remember very well.
BOB (horrified): But it was pitch black on the lake. NO one could see me---that was the only reason I did----what I did-----
ALLEN (delighted): And so often-----
BOB (a flash of anger): Well I sure wasn't getting anything from John, and I had to have some----some---
ALLEN: Outlet?
BOB (defiantly): Release! I was frustrated, and angry, and sad, and horny----
ALLEN (admiringly): You were also very, very, very healthy.
BOB: Sure: all that fresh air, great breakfasts that lasted through the day til enormous dinners, so of course I couldn't go to sleep until I-----
ALLEN: Worked it off?
BOB: But it was completely dark----
ALLEN: Did you forget the moon?
BOB (remembering): Ah, the moon---the moon was full.
ALLEN (smiling): That's not all that was full.
BOB (ignoring him): The moon! I remember---I worshipped the moon!
ALLEN: Better still: you prayed to the moon-----
BOB (gasping): You must have been there!
ALLEN: You called out----
BOB: I didn't say a word!
ALLEN: Words are never the important part.
BOB (in a reverie): I'd brought a book along with me, to read, by Algernon Blackwood, an old British nature-mystic writer. "The Haunted Island" was the story of a traveler in the Canadian North Woods who comes across the myth of an enormous Indian, a ghost of the woods, more enormous than any living man----
ALLEN (a revelation): So that's who you were calling!
BOB (dreamily): I wanted him to soar across the lake, to come to my canoe, to wrap me in his arms-----
ALLEN (amazed): You were calling on a ghost!
BOB (dreamily): But I had to attract his attention. The woods are so enormous. He could have been far away.
ALLEN (quietly): He was, indeed, far far away-----
BOB: So I had to entice him, draw him to me, with the strongest emotions I could gather together.
ALLEN (marveling): Such enormously strong emotions!
BOB: And I got---to the edge----where the emotions are the strongest----
ALLEN: Such wonderfully strong emotions-----
BOB: And I focused all my energies into my soundless call to the skies of the forest.
ALLEN (softly): And I heard you.
BOB (recovering): But, of course, nothing happened.
ALLEN (softly): Something happened all right. Every night. Every single night.
BOB (matter-of-fact): But nothing happened.
ALLEN (matter-of-fact): Until now.
BOB: How can you expect me to believe----
ALLEN: What can you do but believe----
BOB: I might have told someone about it-----
ALLEN: Before I was born?
BOB: You might---you might be reading my mind----in the past!
ALLEN: You could actually think of something like that and still deny that I came from----someplace else?
BOB (vulnerable): I---I'd really like to believe-----
ALLEN (standing): Stand up.
BOB (standing): What now?
ALLEN (holding out his hand): Let us touch.
BOB (extending his hand): Touch?
ALLEN (extending his hand): Yes.
[BOB slowly extends his hand, until about an inch separates their hands.]
BOB: I feel----
ALLEN: Not yet. Touch.
[They touch. At the same instant: a burst of flashbulbs flashing as brightly as possible, all stage lights go out, and both shout: a cross between a bark and receiving a kick in the stomach. Silence and darkness for a few moments.]
BOB (softly): Shit!
ALLEN (softly): What.
BOB (tersely): I said. Shit!
ALLEN: What?
BOB (tersely): I shit my pants.
ALLEN (sighs): Then go clean up.
BOB: You'll be OK? Here in the dark?
ALLEN: It's not dark. I'll read.
BOB (Voice from the side of the stage): I'll be right back.
ALLEN (Contented): Don't hurry.
[Stage remains dark as BOB closes a door. ALLEN picks up a heavy book and audibly turns a page every second. As the stage lights slowly come back up, two things must appear to be clear: ALLEN had been reading in the dark at the same enormously rapid pace with which he continues to read in the light. A reasonable time passes before BOB re-enters, wearing a different pair of pants.]
BOB (sheepishly): That's never happened to me before.
ALLEN (seriously): I should hope not.
BOB (examining his fingers): They're not----damaged.
ALLEN (with concern): Did you think they were?
BOB (amazed): After that? They should have been charred----or frozen----or blasted off.
ALLEN (simply): No.
BOB: Why not?
ALLEN: It----didn't really happen----oh, of course it happened, but it didn't really happen.
BOB: I'm supposed to understand that?
ALLEN (firmly): OK. It's time! You're ready!
BOB (reluctant): Ah----you're completely sure?
ALLEN: Completely. That (thrusting out his hand
toward BOB, who flinches away from it)----took place.
BOB (reluctant): Yeah----you could sure say that.
ALLEN: So we're ready for the final trade.
BOB: Trade?
ALLEN: Tradeoff! You---give me something I want very badly, and I will----give you something you want very badly.
BOB: How?
ALLEN: The first part's easy----I hope.
BOB: What's that.
ALLEN: We go to bed----
BOB (uncomfortably): I wanted that so much before, but now-----?
ALLEN: Now?
BOB (slowly): You won't (BOB waves his hand)----
ALLEN (light dawning): Oh, no---we won't grafleen until you're ready for it again.
BOB: That was grafleen.
ALLEN (shyly): Only a little. I haven't had much practice.
BOB (shocked): That was a little grafleen?
ALLEN: Oh, my, yes. They can get so big----they can be tantorious!
BOB: Oh. Thantonius, can they be?
ALLEN: Tantorious. But---ah---speaking of words----ah.
BOB: Yes?
ALLEN: What do you call that----that-----climax? In the canoe?
BOB: Uh----orgasm.
ALLEN (thrilled): Orgasm!
BOB (suspicious): You----do-----
ALLEN (dejected): No. I can grafleen, but I can't orgasm.
BOB (aghast): You can't!?
ALLEN: No, no. I mean----you----I-----
BOB: You want me to teach you how to have an orgasm?
ALLEN: Is that the way you say it?
BOB: Yes.
ALLEN: Good. You teach me to---"have" an orgasm, and I'll teach you to live forever.
BOB (moving close to ALLEN): You know? Even if you're an alien from Passaic, I think we could strike a trade.
ALLEN (moving close to BOB): I look forward to "striking" a trade.
BOB (closing in on a kiss, then drawing back): No grafleen!
ALLEN (smiling): Not until I "have" an orgasm.
BOB: Good. [Lights go out as they kiss.] THE END?