GIFT OF THE ALIEN-2
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)ALLEN
Let's go back to (he counts one, two, three on fingers) music.
BARRY (getting out of chair)
You want me to put something on?
ALLEN
No, I want you to take some things off.
BARRY (unbuttoning his shirt's top button)
OK.
ALLEN
I told you I'm not talking about clothes. I'm talking about---blindfolds---blinkers---blinders. (Pause.) I've got to get you to see the wall behind you---without turning your head.
BARRY
ESP?
ALLEN
No, we aren't dealing with "extra" senses. You've got all the senses, but you just haven't learned how to use them.
BARRY
I hear music perfectly well.
ALLEN
Do you---go with it?
BARRY
I---I guess so. Sure! I think.
ALLEN
Do you go back to---to where the composer was when the piece was created?
BARRY
No.
ALLEN
Do you go out to---to other people listening to the same piece?
BARRY
Sometimes---other people in the room.
ALLEN
Beyond that. (pause) Do you go---do you go forward to the next time you will be listening to the same piece?
BARRY
The next time? How can I know---
ALLEN
This has nothing to do with knowing---this is what I meant by "going with the music."
BARRY
Going where with the music.
ALLEN
Being with the music, then. You don't "go" anywhere, you just---the music---is!
BARRY
When I play my CDs.
ALLEN
Regardless if you play the music or not! It's like---you know an octopus?
BARRY
Not personally.
ALLEN
You know what an octopus is.
BARRY
Yes---big head, eight arms, suckers---
ALLEN
Good! The head is the composer. We won't consider where the music really comes from now.
BARRY
Yeah. I mean, no.
ALLEN
You're at the end of one of the arms---but the whole arm is still there. Your---part of that music---is still with the composer.
BARRY (puzzled)
I'm part of that music?
ALLEN
Good! Yes! You are---for you, anyway---just as important a part of the music as the composer is.
BARRY
If I wasn't listening to that piece of music, I wouldn't be a part of it.
ALLEN
Right! And you can connect with others who are listening to that piece of music---
BARRY (eagerly)
By joining suckers on one arm to suckers on another arm?
ALLEN (wincing)
Not quite---but all the arms are connected to the head, so all the arms are connected.
BARRY (disappointed)
No joining suckers.
ALLEN
Don't stretch the analogy too far. But the octopus is, in fact, stretched out---in time.
BARRY
A new octopus every instant?
ALLEN
No, the same octopus (pointing to one side) before, (pointing ahead) now, (pointing to the other side) next time, (pointing farther to the other side) the time after that!
BARRY (crazily, pointing behind him)
And the time after that, (continuing, pointing around a circle) and the time after that, and the time after that, (coming back to the front) until we end up where we started from!
ALLEN (delighted)
Yes---you got it!
BARRY (not following)
Hah?
ALLEN
It does! It is! It's all connected! You go---around, (making a circle with his arm) and you come back where you've started.
BARRY
But---it's not---
ALLEN
What isn't what?
BARRY
Time's not a circle.
ALLEN
No, not a circle---it's a quadrisphere.
BARRY
Uh, oh---we've been here before.
ALLEN
There are more dimensions than you see.
BARRY
Yeah, it's all relative.
ALLEN (pleased)
You know relativity?
BARRY
I don't know it, but I know about it.
ALLEN
You know we're traveling through space at thousands of miles a second?
BARRY (thinking)
Well, yeah. The earth is spinning---and the earth goes around the sun---and the sun is---I don't know---well, OK, so you lost me there, (pointing over his own shoulder) or---maybe you do know which way we're going---(pointing over ALLEN'S shoulder) there.
ALLEN
Good! So---ah---what else is connected?
BARRY (ironic)
Oh, well, gosh, man, everything is connected.
ALLEN (taking him seriously)
How.
BARRY
You think I know what I'm talking about?
ALLEN
I was sort of hoping you do.
BARRY
Well, if people listening to music are connected to the same composer-octopus---
ALLEN
You should probably think of it as a composer-composition-octopus---
BARRY
If they're connected that way, they're probably connected---
ALLEN
How.
BARRY
Gimme a second! (thinking) If everything circles back on itself, (BARRY waves this arms throughout this) and a circle here becomes a sphere here, and that sphere doubles back on itself---well, here, since that sphere I drew ten second ago is ten thousand miles---
ALLEN
More or less---
BARRY
Back there---and then that whole thing doubles back in another dimension---
ALLEN
Good!
BARRY
And then THAT whole thing---how many are there?
ALLEN
That's not important---just so you know there's more than five---
BARRY
FIVE? (drawing an air-line horizontally) One. (drawing an air-line back and forth) Two. (drawing an air-line up and down) Three. (pointing behind him, pointing to the floor, pointing behind ALLEN): four, for time---(pauses, looking at ALLEN).
ALLEN (dismissive)
OK, just so you know there's more than four!
BARRY
But where are all these others?
ALLEN (thinking hard)
I think---you'd say---they were all curled up inside the five---four!---that you know about.
BARRY
Curled up?
ALLEN
Well, you know they're not here, (waving arms through space) so you figure they're here (making a tiny circle and holding it up against his face).
BARRY
Uh, what's this got to do with us?
ALLEN
You can---use---these other dimensions, if you have the right point of view.
BARRY
My point of view, again?
ALLEN
Sure: you're in a plane and you look down. There, below you, since you're up, is a whole lot of north-south and a whole lot of east-west. But say you're standing in front of a cliff-face. You can see a whole lot of, say, east-west, and a whole lot of up-and-down.
BARRY
Yeah. OK?
ALLEN
So if you stand here, (ALLEN stands facing audience) and look there, (ALLEN waves hand from left to right along front row of audience) and then, (strobe-lights go ON, freezing ALLEN's arms in varied horizontal positions as his hands cup an imaginary cylinder two feet across and move it back and forth from left to right along front row of audience), you see some east-west (strobe-lights OFF as ALLEN waves hand from left to right along front row of audience), and some before-now-after (strobe-lights ON and ALLEN's "moving-cylinder" movements as before).
BARRY (stunned)
Shit!
ALLEN (turning to face BARRY)
What. What did you see?
BARRY
You---came and went. You---flickered.
ALLEN
You saw me---flickering?
BARRY
Yeah, when you--- (BARRY mimics ALLEN's "moving-cylinder" movements) you---came and went.
ALLEN (delighted)
We're getting there!
BARRY
I don't even know where we're going!
ALLEN
The last step is the hardest.
BARRY
I don't think I can take much more of this.
ALLEN (smiling)
No, you'll like this part. I promise.
BARRY
Oh?
ALLEN
You finally get to take me to bed.
BARRY
Ah---
ALLEN
You do want that?
BARRY
Yes! Yes, oh, yes!
ALLEN (relieved)
I thought so.
BARRY
But---
ALLEN
You're right. There is a "but." The next part is---well, we could call it a bargain.
BARRY
A bargain?
ALLEN
Um, maybe a "tradeoff" would be more like it.
BARRY
What kind of tradeoff.
ALLEN
Uh---(pause) This is harder than I thought.
BARRY
What!
ALLEN
Uh---did you ever feel you were being watched?
BARRY
Watched? When!
ALLEN
Uh---(long pause) When you were jerking off.
BARRY
WHAT?
ALLEN (reasonably)
I told you: when you were jerking off.
BARRY
You were watching me when I jerked off? (pause) Wait, you said before that you were watching me---
ALLEN
Yes, when you were reading the ads in HX.
BARRY
When I was reading YOUR ad in HX?
ALLEN
No, when you were reading OTHER ads. I had to find out---uh---what would make you respond to MY ad.
BARRY
You watched me when I was jerking off after I read HX?
ALLEN
Yes---then. But also---a long time ago.
BARRY
You've got nothing better to do where you come from than to watch me jerking off---over a long period of time?
ALLEN (defensively)
Well, you wanted me to.
BARRY
I wanted you to?
ALLEN
Well, not me, directly, but---anyone who was---able to tune in.
BARRY
Tune in?
ALLEN
Don't you remember?
BARRY
What? When?
ALLEN
Oh, maybe---I dunno---I'm not very good at this--- maybe thirty years ago?
BARRY
You're not even thirty years old!
ALLEN (patiently)
I thought you had already learned that that is only dependent on your point of view.
BARRY (confused)
If you say so. But, I'm not even sure where I lived thirty years ago---
ALLEN
It wasn't where you were living---you were on vacation. In the autumn of the year.
BARRY
I used to go to the Adirondacks, with my lover, every autumn---
ALLEN
This was the last year you went with your lover.
BARRY
That year---was the year we were breaking up. I wasn't very happy that year.
ALLEN
You seemed pretty happy, to me---in your canoe?
BARRY
Canoe? (Suddenly striken) The canoe! At night! Oh, NO!
ALLEN (smiling gleefully)
So you do remember. I remember. I remember very well.
BARRY (horrified)
But it was pitch black on the lake. NO one could see me---that was the only reason I did---what I did---
ALLEN (delighted)
And so often---
BARRY (a flash of anger)
Well I sure wasn't getting anything from Frank, and I had to have some---some---
ALLEN
Outlet?
BARRY (defiantly)
Release! I was frustrated, and angry, and sad, and horny---
ALLEN (admiringly)
You were also very, very, very healthy.
BARRY
Sure: all that fresh air, great breakfasts that lasted through the day till enormous dinners, so of course I couldn't go to sleep until I---
ALLEN
Worked it off?
BARRY
But it was completely dark---
ALLEN
Did you forget the moon?
BARRY (remembering)
Ah, the moon---the moon was full.
ALLEN (smiling)
That's not all that was full.
BARRY (ignoring him)
The moon! I remember---I worshipped the moon!
ALLEN
Better still: you prayed to the moon---
BARRY (gasping)
You must have been there!
ALLEN
You called out---
BARRY
I didn't say a word!
ALLEN
Words are never the important part.
BARRY (in a reverie)
I'd brought a book along with me, to read, by Algernon Blackwood, an old British nature-mystic writer. "The Haunted Island" was the story of a traveler in the Canadian North Woods who comes across the myth of an enormous Indian, a ghost of the woods, more enormous than any living man---
ALLEN (a revelation)
So that's who you were calling!
BARRY (dreamily)
I wanted him to soar across the lake, to come to my canoe, to wrap me in his arms---
ALLEN (amazed)
You were calling on a ghost!
BARRY (dreamily)
But I had to attract his attention. The woods are so enormous. He could have been far away.
ALLEN (quietly)
He was, indeed, far far away---
BARRY
So I had to entice him, draw him to me, with the strongest emotions I could gather together.
ALLEN (marveling)
Such enormously strong emotions!
BARRY
And I got---to the edge---where the emotions are the strongest---
ALLEN
Such wonderfully strong emotions---
BARRY
And I focused all my energies into my soundless call to the skies of the forest.
ALLEN (softly)
And I heard you.
BARRY (recovering)
But, of course, nothing happened.
ALLEN (softly)
Something happened all right. Every night. Every single night.
BARRY (matter-of-factly)
But nothing happened.
ALLEN (matter-of-factly)
Until now.
BARRY
How can you expect me to believe---
ALLEN
What can you do but believe---
BARRY
I might have told someone about it---
ALLEN
Before---as you think---I was born?
BARRY
You might---you might be reading my mind----as it was in the past!
ALLEN
You could actually think of something like that and still deny that I came from---someplace else?
BARRY (vulnerable)
I---I'd really like to believe---
ALLEN (standing)
Stand up.
BARRY (standing)
What now?
ALLEN (holding out his hand)
Let us touch.
BARRY (extending his hand)
Touch?
ALLEN (extending his hand)
Yes.
[BARRY slowly extends his hand, until about an inch separates their hands.]
BARRY
I feel---
ALLEN
Not yet. Touch.
[Their hands touch. At the same instant, from as wide a stage-area as possible: a burst of dozens of flashbulbs exploding at the highest intensity. All stage lights go out, and both shout: a cross between a bark and receiving a kick in the stomach. No lights through the following.]
BARRY (softly)
Shit!
ALLEN (softly)
What.
BARRY (tersely)
I said, shit!
ALLEN
What?
BARRY (tersely)
I shit my pants.
ALLEN (sighs)
Then go clean up.
BARRY
You'll be OK? Here in the dark?
ALLEN
It's not dark. I'll read.
BARRY (voice from the side of the stage)
I'll be right back.
ALLEN (contented)
Don't hurry.
[Stage remains dark as BARRY closes a door. ALLEN picks up a book and audibly turns a page every second. As the stage lights slowly come back up, it must be clear that ALLEN had been reading in the dark at the same enormously rapid pace with which he continues to read in the light. A reasonable time passes before BARRY re-enters, wearing a different pair of pants.]
BARRY (sheepishly)
That never happened to me before.
ALLEN (seriously)
I should hope not.
BARRY (examining his fingers)
They're not---damaged.
ALLEN (with concern)
Did you think they were?
BARRY (amazed)
After that? They should have been charred---or frozen---or blasted off.
ALLEN (simply)
No.
BARRY
Why not?
ALLEN
It---didn't really happen---oh, of course it happened, but it didn't really happen.
BARRY
I'm supposed to understand that?
ALLEN (firmly)
OK. It's time! You're ready!
BARRY (reluctant)
Ah---you're completely sure?
ALLEN
Completely. That (thrusting his hand towards BARRY, who flinches away from it)---took place.
BARRY (reluctant)
Yeah---you could sure say that.
ALLEN
Do you still think I'm not an alien?
BARRY (thinking)
Well---you're sure DIFFERENT.
ALLEN
I'll take that as a compliment.
BARRY (with difficulty)
Uh---what else can you do?
ALLEN (smiling)
Well, I can change the way I look---
BARRY (quickly)
Don't do that! You're---well---you're---great just the way you are.
ALLEN
Compliments were never among your best features.
BARRY
Never mind---YOU've got GREAT features!
ALLEN
Well---there's one feature---I guess I should say there are TWO features---that I'm not quite sure about. (He stands up.)
BARRY (standing up, looking nervous)
Oh, what are they?
ALLEN (embarrassed)
Well, I know how important nipples are to you---
BARRY
You don't have to be from outer space to know THAT!
ALLEN
---And I don't know---exactly---what would----please you most.
BARRY
In nipples??
ALLEN (starting to unbutton his shirt)
Yes---would you like to---(he reaches out to Barry, who backs away quickly)
BARRY (panic in his voice)
You won't (BARRY waves his hand)---
ALLEN (light dawning)
Oh, no---we won't grafleen until you're ready for it again.
BARRY
That was grafleen.
ALLEN (shyly)
Only a little. I haven't had much practice.
BARRY (shocked)
That was a little grafleen?
ALLEN
Oh, my, yes. They can get so big---they can be tantorious!
BARRY
Oh. Thantonius, can they be?
ALLEN
Tantorious.
BARRY
Well, whatever. I'm not ready for another one of those---not yet!
ALLEN (soothing)
No, no grafleen this time. I just want you to---check me out.
BARRY (still in a panic)
You're fine. You're great. You're perfect. Don't change an inch. Don't touch me.
ALLEN (seductive)
I promise I won't hurt you. You'll like this. It won't hurt. Trust me. (He parts his shirt over his chest.)
BARRY (relenting)
What---what should I do?
[ALLEN reaches for BARRY's hands and puts them on his chest. BARRY tenses and flinches just before the touch, then relaxes as he touches.]
ALLEN
Just---squeeze my nipples.
BARRY
OK. (pause) Christ, they're enormous---AHHHGG! (He screams and backs away. Incredulity in his voice) THEY CHANGED!
ALLEN
Do you like them better when they're smaller?
BARRY (dumbfounded)
THEY CHANGED!
ALLEN (matter-of-factly)
You said they were enormous, so I made them smaller. Are they better now?
BARRY (stunned)
You changed them!
ALLEN
Yes. Are they better now?
BARRY
You changed the size of your nipples!
ALLEN (concerned)
Barry, are you OK?
BARRY
NO, I'm not OK. YOU are not OK. THIS is not OK. You can't just---change the size of your nipples---
ALLEN
No, I can do other things, too.
BARRY
You can't---(stunned pause)---you CAN?
ALLEN
NOW do you believe I'm an alien?
BARRY
I---you---UH!
ALLEN
So we're ready for the final trade.
BARRY
Trade?
ALLEN
Tradeoff! You---give me something that I want very badly, and I will---give you something that you want very badly.
BARRY
How?
ALLEN
The first part's easy---I hope.
BARRY
What's that.
ALLEN
We go to bed---
BARRY (uncomfortably)
I wanted that so much before, but now---?
ALLEN
Now?
BARRY
I might be biting off more than I can chew.
ALLEN (smiling)
That's OK. I won't let you.
BARRY (hastily)
I don't mean REALLY bite---I mean---
ALLAN
Relax. It's OK. I know what you mean. But---ah---speaking of words---ah---
BARRY
Yes?
ALLEN
What do you call that---that---climax? In the canoe?
BARRY
Uh---orgasm.
ALLEN (thrilled)
Orgasm!
BARRY (suspicious)
You---do---
ALLEN (dejected)
No. I can grafleen, but I can't orgasm.
BARRY (aghast)
You can't!?
ALLEN
No. You see---when I come from---we can't have sex.
BARRY
You CAN'T?
ALLEN
I mean---we're not allowed to.
BARRY
You're not allowed to have---ANY sex?
ALLEN
No, none at all, of any kind.
BARRY
But how---how can they stop you?
ALLEN
They watch us---everywhere---all the time---
BARRY
HOW?
ALLEN
They've put detectors, everywhere, that can trig the first signs of sexual feeling---and they---negate them. It's---automatic.
BARRY
How awful!
ALLEN
Even if you dorble---the detectors can trig---and the feelings vanish.
BARRY
Poor baby! How could you---how could you LET them do this to you?
ALLEN
Gradually---over a long time---as we lived longer and longer---and natural resources got scarcer---and there were more and more of us---and we weren't paying attention---it just---happened.
BARRY
No sex!
ALLEN
Most people didn't even miss it. They had their implants, their work, their games---
BARRY
But no sex---the best game of all!
ALLEN
That's why I left.
BARRY
I don't blame you. Why didn't EVERYONE leave?
ALLEN
Most of us didn't know what we were missing. We have other interests---other obsessions---
BARRY
But you---how did you leave?
ALLEN (thinking)
There is no word for that in your language.
BARRY
Not again!
ALLEN (quickly)
But I'd seen YOU. I---followed our connection. I saw you in the canoe and---liked what I saw. I---kept following our connection until I saw you reading HX magazine---and then I knew that I could follow our connection---to here---now.
BARRY
For someone who doesn't know my language, you're sure making sense.
ALLEN
So you believe me now?
BARRY (pause)
I believe you were looking for something---and now you're found it---me.
ALLEN
And now will you help me?
BARRY
How?
ALLEN
That---orgasm?
BARRY
All the orgasms!
ALLEN
No---MY---
BARRY
YOUR orgasm!
ALLEN
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, please.
BARRY
You want me to teach you how to have an orgasm?
ALLEN
Is that the way you say it? "Have"?
BARRY
Yes.
ALLEN
Good. You teach me to---"have" an orgasm, and I'll teach you to live forever.
BARRY (moving close to ALLEN)
You know? Even if you're an alien from Passaic, I think we could strike a trade.
ALLEN (moving close to BARRY)
I look forward to "striking" a trade.
BARRY (closing in on a kiss, then drawing back)
No grafleen!
ALLEN (smiling)
Not until I "have" an orgasm.
BARRY
Good.
[They kiss. Lights fade to black.]
THE END