HOME PAGES OF THE DAMNED
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)
[A Radio Play]
(A preposterously pretentious fanfare plays for thirty seconds.)
ANNOUNCER: This is your LUCKY DAY! No more will you need to feel LEFT OUT when you see, in a newspaper or a magazine (smarmily) "Visit us at h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash-w-w-w-dot-blah-blah-blah-dot-com." Now YOU can visit ANY home page you WANT! For only 99 dollars and 99 cents---that's 144 dollars and 73 cents in Canadian currency---YOU can have VOCAL HOME PAGES!
That's right: VOCAL HOME PAGES! (confidentially) That's what those are, you know, those "h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash-w-w-w-dot" things: HOME PAGES! On the Internet! YOU know, Internet? That thing that you used to need a two-thousand-dollar computer with a TV monitor and a special phone-thing to hook into? That "Information Superhighway" everyone was talking about?
Well, VOCAL HOME PAGES, for only 99 dollars and 99 cents---INCLUDING TAX---will give you---that's right!---VOCAL HOME PAGES.
Now how do we DO that?! YOU just send us 99 dollars and 99 cents---you heard right, just 99 dollars and 99 cents---and we send you---a cordless telephone! Wait a minute, you say: 99 dollars and 99 cents for a cordless telephone? Ah, but this is a VERY SPECIAL cordless telephone. This cordless telephone connects you to VOCAL HOME PAGES.
How does it work? I'm glad you asked! You just pick up the phone and DIAL one of those w-w-w-dot things. You don't even have to BOTHER with that old h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash stuff. You don't even need to dial the w-w-w-dot part! Our telephone DOES IT FOR YOU! Just dial in the home-page address and---ho-ho-ho!---GET CONNECTED!
But you CAN'T do this with your REGULAR telephone, because a regular telephone DOESN'T even have a DOT. (confidentially) You gotta dial the dot, it's part of the address.
But what if you don't know the address? That's the wonderful part of our special telephone: you don't NEED to know the address. Let's say that you KNOW that Maisie Grainger, in Foot, Minnesota, has a vocal home page. You just press our question-mark button---we're the ONLY phone with a question-mark button---and speak into the telephone: "I'd like Maisie Grainger, in Foot, Minnesota." And you'll hear her vocal home page! You can even talk back to her if you order our TALK-BACK feature. When you get our telephone, just say ORDER MORE into it, and we'll tell you all about it!
And there's more! Be sure to listen to "Underwear of the Stars" to hear how YOU can own "that special little thing" that was worn by "that VERY special person." And, for adults only, (suggestively) "Obsessed with Sex!" Or listen in to "The Instant Pyramid Payoff!" it could repay much more than 99 dollars and 99 cents in ONLY ONE PHONE CALL!
VOCAL HOME PAGES! The technology of the future can be yours today. Just send your check or money order for 99 dollars and 99 cents to VOCAL HOME PAGES, in care of this station. Order NOW!
(A preposterously pretentious fanfare plays for 30 seconds.)
END