READING AND WRITING AND …
(One-Act Play by Bob Zolnerzak)
[Scene: On Stage Right, AL's room. AL sits in an easy chair, facing front, reading a magazine, a floor lamp lighting him. On Stage Left, Bill's room. BILL sits in a desk chair, facing Stage Right, tapping at the keyboard of a laptop or desktop computer, a desk lamp lighting him. Both are casually dressed according to the season in which the play is presented. Both have telephones beside them; BILL's is a cell.]
AL reads comfortably, slouched in his chair. BILL types more and more slowly: ideas aren't flowing smoothly. Finally, he sits and stares at the screen, evidently frustrated. Eventually, he picks up his phone and dials AL. AL's phone rings.
AL
[Picking up phone without putting down magazine.] Hey, there.
BILL
Hi, pal.
AL
Hey, Bill. What's up?
BILL
Nothing. That's my problem.
AL
[Turning magazine page.] You mean you can't get it up?
BILL
Get your mind out of your usual gutter. No, I'm trying to write this play---and it's just not coming.
AL
[Obviously uninterested.] Poor baby. Can I help?
BILL
Not unless you've met the love of your life who's willing to support you in sinful luxury on some South Seas island---but only after you've managed to do away with his wife and four kids.
AL
[Turns another magazine page.] That can be arranged.
BILL
And all the beautiful native boys run around with erections all day long because it's just too hot to do anything else.
AL
I thought you said you had no ideas.
BILL
Nothing I can write about, is what I meant.
AL
Well, let's see. [Pause.] Al Gore and Linda Hamilton were just on the phone begging me to fix up a nice threesome for them, but I simply couldn't think of a soul.
BILL
[Disgusted.] Precisely what I need. You're such a help.
AL
[Turning another magazine page.] OK. How about this: I did accept NASA's invitation to investigate cock-sucking reports from the Russian space station, and I'm leaving for the Cape tomorrow to take off on my assignment.
BILL
[Grimacing.] You have undoubtedly the slimiest sense of reality of any reasonably well-seeming person I know.
AL
[Turning another magazine page.] Anything to help out.
BILL
I don't think your imagination ever rises above the belt.
AL
Tom of Finland's imagination rises above the belt.
BILL
Point proven. I'm just not having any fun writing anymore. I can't think of what to say.
AL
[Impatient.] You're probably not going about it the right way. Relax. Stop pushing yourself. Have a drink. Smoke a joint. Watch a porn DVD. Open up your mind to something besides the idea that you have to write anything. Jerk off---but stop before you cum and use that energy to write something.
BILL
[Starts typing.] Al, that's really sick. Sexual energy has nothing at all to do with writing. Just the opposite---it takes me away from writing. You can't put an orgasm on paper.
AL
[More impatient.] Bill, don't ask me for a favor and then dismiss everything I say. I'm sorry you don't feel like writing, but it's not my fault. [Turns a magazine page loudly.]
BILL
[Typing.] What's that noise? [Pause.] You fucker---I'll bet you're jerking off and you're not even interested in talking to me. You're just into---into your little thing.
AL
[Frowns and puts down magazine, thinks a bit.] Well, you caught me. What can I say?
BILL
[Types furiously, talking distractedly.] I knew I could rely on you, pal ol' pal.
AL
[Look of comprehension on his face.] Look who's talking! I can hear you, too!
BILL
No! No! That's just my cell phone acting up again.
AL
Don't deny it---you're jerking off, too! [Laughs.] You fuck! [Picks up magazine and turns another page.] Look whose mind is in the gutter now!
BILL
[After a surprised pause in typing, types faster.] I thought I was doing a pretty good job, concealing it, that is. But you always were pretty good at reading my mind. I just wanted somebody to keep me company while I---uh---gathered my energies.
AL
[Settling into his chair with his magazine throughout the following.] Yeah, your energies. Just don't cum all over your keyboard.
BILL
[Startled for a moment, then continues typing.] Keyboard? I'm not anywhere near my computer. I've got this great DVD on---Kristen Bjorn's "Gangster at Large"? What a sexy fuckin' flick!
AL
[Turning a magazine page.] That's nothin'. I got the best view of all. I got my full-length mirror set up? Right opposite my chair? And I can see exactly what I'm doing---that's the greatest turn-on in the world as far as I'm concerned.
BILL
[Typing furiously.] Man! That's hot! Leave it to you, pal!
AL
I got my ripped jeans on---you know the ones! With everything hanging out the front? And I'm leanin' back against the wall, admirin' the view. I haven't really gotten started yet, but I'm hard as a rock already. [Without expression, slaps the side of his wrist a few times.] Hear that?
BILL
[Continues typing throughout.] Yeah, man! Stiff as a board! Don't break it! Ooooh, that makes me hot---I got a little pre-cum dribblin' out already, you got me so hot.
AL
Leave it to your ol' pal Al; he'll show you where it's at. [Pause.] Now I'm gonna sit down on my chair, right on the edge of my chair, so that hard edge presses up against my prostate, and makes my whole cock harder than ever. [Pause.] Shit, that feels fantastic!
BILL
This dude on the tape is really reamin' the shit out of this incredible-looking Italian type. I don't know where he finds his guys. They sure don't show up at the Monster. What a gorgeous ass!
AL
I just can't keep my hands off my beautiful cock anymore! But I wanna make sure and go nice and slow. This is my first time tonight, and I wanna make it last. [Pause.] Man, my fuckin' balls are trying to crawl right up to the base of my harrrrrd cock!
BILL
I got this nice new grease: my cock is just shining in the light from the TV. All those nice little shadows where the veins stand out. Ooooh, that's fuckin' great!
AL
Don't go too fast, now. I don't wanna get close to the edge too soon, or I'll be tempted to shoot right away. Let's just play for a bit, OK? Oh, man, I'm so hot!
BILL
Oh, shit, this feel so great---I just don't wanna stop. All these gorgeous guys shootin' their loads makes me wanna shoot mine---
AL
Then shut off your fuckin' video, man! Take control! Don't let it run you! Listen to your pal, here!
BILL
OK, OK. That's a good idea. Yeah, I like to look at my prick all hot and ready to cum. I'll look at my prick and you'll look at your prick and---we'll do this together!
AL
That's what pals are for, pal! Old Reliable standing up right there, right in my mirror. Cock, balls, perfect asshole, great legs, beautiful ripped jeans. The whole beautiful package, right there---for both of us!
BILL
Oh, Al! You make me so fuckin' hot, man! Knowin' you're right there, pulling on your beautiful dick just like me---what a way to go-oo-oo.
AL
Hold off there, Bill. Not yet, man! I'm not near ready yet. Lots of yards left in this yard-long cock! Keep the good feeling, don't go off the edge, just play along with how great it feels.
[Actors may wish to extemporize to fill in any pre-allotted timeframe. Everyone should have the idea by now. At length---]
BILL
[Still typing rapidly.] Man, I don't think I can take much more of this. My pre-cum's made my whole cock slick----
AL
[Frowns slightly, looking up from his magazine.]I thought you was usin' some kinda new grease----
BILL
Yeah, yeah---my pre-cum mixed with my new grease has made my whole cock so slick it's hard to hold onto!
AL
Well, my mirror's foggin' up with the heat in this place, I tell you! I could pop anytime you want to---just let me know!
BILL
Yeah! Yeah! I wanna get right to that edge and---just hang out there for a while.
AL
Oh, yeah! I know what you mean. I been up and back a couple times already. Didn't want to tell you about it; afraid it might make you too hot and get you to cum before you wanted to.
BILL
Well, pal, I'm there now! Right there. Oh, it feels so fuckin' good.
AL
Yeah! Better'n writin', anytime!
BILL
[Typing freezes momentarily, then continues.] Bet your ass, man. Bet your ass! It feels so fuckin' good!
AL
Leave it up to Old Reliable. Your Man With A Plan. As they say in the song: That's what friends are for!
BILL
You got it, man. Oh, shit! I think I just went too far!
AL
Shootin' out over that edge?
BILL
Oh, yeah, man! Can't hold on another second. Gotta cum now!
AL
Right behind you, pal. Here I cum, too!
[Various extemporaneous orgasmic sounds.]
BILL
Shit!
AL
Fuck!
BILL
Shit-fuck!
AL
Fuck-shit!
BILL
That was incredible!
AL
You're telling me?!
BILL
Great action there, pal.
AL
The greatest!
BILL
Oh, man! What a mess!
AL
All over the fuckin' mirror!
BILL
All that grease!
AL
I gotta wipe it off the jeans before it dries.
BILL
Yeah, I gotta clean up too. [Pause.] Hey, pal---
AL
Hey, it was nothing!
BILL
When a fella needs a friend-----
AL
A friend stands tall!
BILL
[Has been slowing to a stop in typing.] Lots better than trying to write.
AL
Hell, all I had to look forward to was some old magazine.
BILL
Great time, pal!
AL
Any time, Bill.
BILL
Call ya later, Al.
AL
G'night, pal.
BILL
G'night.
[They hang up as if with reluctance. AL continues reading his magazine. BILL closes his laptop, shuts off his computer, and leans back in his desk chair, folding his hands behind his head with evident satisfaction.]
THE END