THE DIRECTOR

Act one of three acts

 

Cast of Characters

The Director Authoritative man of middle age.

Auditioning Actor Tentative and uncertain man of middle age.

Reader of Directions Self-amused and amusing man of middle age.

Author Shy and reclusive man of middle age.

 

Scene

Village Playwrights meeting in a room at the New York Gay and Lesbian Center. Members sit in folding chairs in a semicircle open to the audience. The number of members varies from presentation to presentation.

 

Time

The present.

 

ACT I: PREPARATIONS

Scene 1: En-Counters

SETTING: A room at the New York Gay and Lesbian Center.

AT RISE: THE DIRECTOR is slouched comfortably in a folding
chair, reading from the script in his hands. The
AUDITIONING ACTOR stands before him, reading from the
script in his hands. The READER OF DIRECTIONS sits
off to one side, reading from the script in his hands
and watching the action. The AUTHOR is seated as if he
is a member of the audience, reading from the script
in his hands and watching the action.

READER
"The Director," a play in three acts by Bob Zolnerzak.

(READER turns a page of his script)

READER
Cast of Characters: The Director---

(READER nods toward DIRECTOR, who looks at the audience and waves his hand and arm grandly)

READER
An authoritative man of middle age. The Auditioning Actor---

(READER nods toward ACTOR, who looks shyly at the
audience and waves his hand feebly from side to side)

READER
A tentative and uncertain man of middle age. The Reader of Directions---

(READER smirks at the audience and waggles his fingers
coyly)

READER
A self-amused and amusing man of middle age. And the Author---

(READER looks out at audience and indicates AUTHOR, who
rises self-consciously, looks at the rest of the audience,
bows slightly, and sits back down)

READER
A shy and reclusive man of middle age. Scene 1: En-Counters. Setting: A room at the New York Gay and Lesbian Center. At rise: The Director is slouched comfortably in a folding chair, reading from the script in his hands. The Auditioning Actor stands before him, reading from the script in his hands. The Reader of Directions sits off to one side, reading from the script in his hands and watching the action. The Author is seated as if he is a member of the audience, reading from the script in his hands and watching the action.

DIRECTOR
Let's hear it.

ACTOR
(Reads with a moderate speech impediment)
"To be, or not to be---that is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and---"

DIRECTOR
Wait. Wait a minute. Isn't it "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind of man to suffer the slings and arrows"?

ACTOR
No---I don't think so.

DIRECTOR
I'm pretty sure---yes!
(Rises and recites with great conviction)
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind of man to suffer the slings and arrows"---yes, that's the way it goes.
(Sits back down)

ACTOR
Well---OK---if you say so. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind---of man---to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles"---

DIRECTOR
Wait a minute. We seem to have a problem here. "A sea of troubles"---

ACTOR
"A sea of troubles"---

DIRECTOR
Do you---? Are you---? Have you ever performed this role before---on a stage, I mean?

ACTOR
No, I haven't.

DIRECTOR
But, uh, you want to perform this role?

ACTOR
Oh, yes. Very much. It's the dream of my life. "And by opposing, end them. To die---to sleep---no more"---

DIRECTOR
That may be, but you have---I mean, there are certain standards---

ACTOR
---"And by a sleep, to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to"--- I hope you're not going to tell me I can't act Hamlet because I'm gay!

DIRECTOR
Gay! No! I mean, no, that's not the point. You---ah---you seem to have---ah---

ACTOR
Are you trying to say that I have a speech impediment? "'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd."

DIRECTOR
Wellll, yes.

ACTOR
Do you have a problem with that? "To die---to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream---ay, there's the rub"---

DIRECTOR
I? Oh, no, I don't have a problem with that, but, well, the audience expects---

ACTOR
Maybe the audience used to expect perfect clarity and understanding, but Eco and Vittorini criticized entertainment that was simply con---consol---
(Turns to READER for help)

READER
Consolatory.

ACTOR
---consolatory, that affirms the essential rightness and permanence of the world.

DIRECTOR
Huh?

ACTOR
Of course you've read Eco's The Open Work?

DIRECTOR
Eco? Yeah, didn't he write Foo-Colt's Pendulum?

ACTOR
Yes, Eco wrote Foo-Coh's Pendulum.

DIRECTOR
I didn't much like Foo-Colt's Pendulum, but I loved The Name of the Rose.

ACTOR
Foo-Coh's Pendulum posits an age of instability and crisis, insists on a theme of senselessness and disorder.
(Sits down)
I can't say this!

DIRECTOR
He's right. And it's not in the nature of my character to mispronounce Foo-Cold, either.

AUTHOR
But Eco's point is that alienation is both necessary and desirable.

DIRECTOR
Alienation? This is just a play, for God's sake; why should it be alienating?

ACTOR
It's like sex; if sex is too easy, it's not fun anymore.

DIRECTOR
I wasn't the one who wanted to bring all those whips and chains in---that was your idea.

ACTOR
Please! Not here!

DIRECTOR
Not at home, either. Not a good idea.

ACTOR
Don't. You're embarrassing.

DIRECTOR
If you'd only listened to me---

READER
Uh, wait a minute, guys---I, uh, think we're getting off the subject.

DIRECTOR
Oh, butt out, Buster.

ACTOR
---"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil"---

READER
Would you please exercise some control here? This is all just---getting out of control.

AUTHOR
Oh dear.
(Looks through pages of his script)
OK, let's go to page 16.

READER
The three on-stage characters pretend to turn to page 16.

DIRECTOR
(Turns actual script-pages)
Where?

AUTHOR
Somewhere in the middle.

DIRECTOR
OK.
(Reading)
You knew I knew that you didn't want me to cum in your mouth, but I---

ACTOR
Where are you?

DIRECTOR
In the middle of page 16!

ACTOR
Didn't you listen to the stage directions? We're only supposed to pretend to turn to page 16.

DIRECTOR
Oh, who reads stage directions. Directors do what the action demands.

READER
(To himself)
---Sometimes before the action demands it.

DIRECTOR
(Hearing READER)
I heard that!

READER
You never listened to me at all, God knows that's a fact.

DIRECTOR
You never said anything. All action and very little talk!

ACTOR
So you two did have a thing behind my back. I knew you two had a thing behind my back.

DIRECTOR
(Stands to confront READER)
You should have kept your mouth shut!

READER
I was talking to myself. You're the one blabbing it to the world!

DIRECTOR
You stupid asshole! You are---you are such a stupid asshole!

READER
My, what a wonderful way with words you have!

ACTOR
(Stands to confront DIRECTOR)
I suspect that you are the real asshole here. Just because I'm not into fucking, you had to go somewhere else to find your---your---anal satisfaction!

DIRECTOR
Honeybun, it wasn't that way at all.
(Waves script at READER)
He made me submit to him.

READER
(Stands to confront DIRECTOR)
Sure, honey, I just forced you to throw your heels up around your ears and---

AUTHOR
Wait a minute! Why are you all standing up? This is just a reading, for Pete's sake. Just sit in your chairs and read the script.

DIRECTOR
Who gave you the right to poke your nose into our private affairs?

AUTHOR
You know perfectly well I don't know anything about your private affairs.

READER
Oh, c'mon! You just sit there quietly and pretend to be so innocent. You've been storing up all this information about us---

AUTHOR
(Stands to confront READER)
No, honestly. I assure you it's just---coincidence.

DIRECTOR
I want to know who's been telling you all this.

AUTHOR
(Looking for REAL AUTHOR)
I---I don't know if I want to go along with this---

READER
You don't know if you want to go along with this? This isn't undressing you here on this stage. I'm not sure that I want to continue reading this.
(Flourishes script).

DIRECTOR
That's right! We don't know what else is in here.
(Looks quickly through rest of script)
This could get very messy.

AUTHOR
C'mon, guys. Don't blame me. I'm not---I don't have any private information about any of you.

ACTOR
(Strides over to address someone in the audience)
You might not know that he---
(Waves script in direction of AUTHOR)
---is not the real author of this piece, nor is he---
(Waves script in direction of DIRECTOR)
---really a director, even though I---
(Waves script at himself, then confronts REAL AUTHOR)
Do you realize it takes me longer to read the stage directions than it does to read my speeches?

AUTHOR
Wait. Wait, I have done some writing myself. And, after all, I am supposed to be the author.

DIRECTOR, ACTOR, AND READER
(Together)
But you're not!

AUTHOR
Sorry.

DIRECTOR
That should have been more together.

ACTOR
It was the first time we read it.

READER
This is such a pain.
(Pause)
Listen, why don't we all sit back down.

DIRECTOR
Is that a stage direction?

READER
When did you ever read a stage direction that said "Listen, why don't we all sit back down"?

DIRECTOR
When did you ever read a stage direction before?

READER
Don't be snide.

AUTHOR
Don't take his job away from him.

DIRECTOR
Let's go back to the AUTHOR saying "I am supposed to be the author."

AUTHOR
Well, it is a fact; I am supposed to be the author! And you and the actor have a scene---

DIRECTOR
Forget about that. We're not talking about that. You are supposed to be the author. And you're doing a real good job, too. I'm just saying we should rehearse being together when we say "But you're not."

READER
(Aside, to DIRECTOR)
It certainly would have been a better job if we had rehearsed being together!

ACTOR
I heard that...
(Addresses AUTHOR)
This is silly---if we're actually going to be reading these scripts during---

DIRECTOR
What do you mean, we're actually going to be reading these scripts---

ACTOR
Didn't he tell you? When this is produced, we don't have to memorize our parts, we can actually read the scripts.

DIRECTOR
This is insane! We can't pretend to be saying things that aren't in the script when we're actually reading a script---

READER
(Aside to DIRECTOR)
That's what acting is supposed to be all about, sweetie.
(Addresses AUTHOR)
I'm sorry, this just isn't right!

AUTHOR
What now?

READER
I just called him---
(Waves script in direction of DIRECTOR)
---"sweetie," but I distinctly remember---
(Thumbs back through script-pages until he reaches page 5)
---right here at the top of page 5---
(Shows script triumphantly to random audience member)
---I called him "honey." That's not very consistent.

AUTHOR
That's a good point. I was actually worried about page 5---

DIRECTOR
(Aside)
As if he was really the author---

ACTOR
As if he were really the author---

AUTHOR
May I please read my lines?

(Pause. Everyone looks disgusted)

AUTHOR
Thank you. Here at the first line of page 5, the DIRECTOR calls the ACTOR "honeybun," and then just two lines later, the READER calls the director "honey." I think....

READER
You think?

AUTHOR
As author of this play---well, actually, as a man reading---

DIRECTOR
Watch out for sexism! You could actually be a woman reading---

READER
He's right, you could actually be a woman---

AUTHOR
Don't get personal. For now, I am the author---

READER
Well, good. You're certainly a lousy actor---

AUTHOR
I said "don't get personal!" As an actor playing the part of an author---

ACTOR
Hey, did you ever notice that if you took the "uh" out of "author" you can "see" an actor?

DIRECTOR
What are you blathering about now?

ACTOR
I am not blathering. I never blather. I may blither, but I never blather---
(Raises eyes to ceiling in disgust)
This is going too far!

READER
How do you take the "uh" out of "author?"

ACTOR
Author is spelled A-U-T-H-O-R. If you take out the U and the H, you get A-T-O-R. And if you "see" it---put in the letter C---you get actor.

DIRECTOR
Would you like me to get you a blackboard so you could spell it all out?

AUTHOR
Listen, everybody. We do have to change this script.

DIRECTOR, ACTOR, AND READER
(Together)
How?

DIRECTOR
We've really got to work on our unison here.

AUTHOR
Everyone, go back to page 5. See at the top of page 5, third line, where the READER calls the DIRECTOR "honey"? Change that to "sweetie," to agree with page 7.

DIRECTOR
Actually change it?

READER
Wait a second. If we actually change it, then this won't make any sense.

ACTOR
Which---this?

READER
All this talk about the words not agreeing. If we change the words, then they will agree, and we won't have anything to talk about.

DIRECTOR
Fat chance!

AUTHOR
OK, then don't change it.

ACTOR
(Takes great care to enunciate each word clearly)
But if you don't change it, it will still be inconsistent.

READER
That's easy for you to say.

ACTOR
As a matter of fact, it isn't!

DIRECTOR
We're finally getting back to my original point: you're just not right for Hamlet.

ACTOR
Yes I am; I'm just his type.

AUTHOR
Look, if Sarah Bernhardt could do it---

READER
With just one leg, yet---

AUTHOR
Then someone who is syllabically challenged---

READER
That couldn't be easy for you to say---

AUTHOR
Oh, stop being such an ass---

READER
Will all of you people please leave my ass out of this?

ACTOR
All this talk about rear ends is really disgusting!

DIRECTOR
(Addresses ACTOR)
You're the only faggot I know who isn't interested in asses.
(AUTHOR raises his hand)
That's what it means to be gay, for God's sake: you either fuck, or you get fucked.
(AUTHOR waves his hand back and forth; DIRECTOR notices at last)
Or both.

AUTHOR
Or neither.

READER
That's sick.

ACTOR
No it's not. In fact, it's very healthy.

DIRECTOR
Oh, please, let's leave AIDS out of this.

AUTHOR
He's right: it's not only unhealthy to fuck---it hurts.

READER
Poor baby! Didn't anyone ever show you how to do things slo-o-owly and gen-n-n-tly and gra-a-a-a-a---
(Leans closer and closer to AUTHOR, who draws away)
---a-a-a-a-dually?

AUTHOR
Yes, but it still hurt.

DIRECTOR
(Glares at ACTOR)
Another uptight queer.

ACTOR
(Addresses DIRECTOR)
I keep telling you, you're all wrong. Just because someone doesn't like to fuck doesn't mean he's straight.

READER
(Licks his lips and wriggles in his chair)
Oh, noooo; sometimes the straightest ones of all just love to get fucked.

AUTHOR
No, he means you can be very gay and not be into anal intercourse.

DIRECTOR
Just a queer queer.

ACTOR
Look, this is what really turns off a straight audience. They always think you have to have a fucker and a fuckee.

AUTHOR
Yeah, no wonder more straight men aren't interested in experimenting with a little bisexuality: they think they have to like screwing someone's asshole, or that some guy has to stick his dick up their ass. Whatever happened to just plain cuddling---

ACTOR
Or some yummy sixty-nine-ing---

AUTHOR
Or an hour or five of good old hugging, and body rubbing, and kissing---

ACTOR
Until you both have spontaneous simultaneous orgasms.

DIRECTOR
OK, here it goes: on my count of three: one---two---three!

DIRECTOR, AUTHOR, AND READER
(Together)
That's easy for you to say!

ACTOR
I don't care what you believe; I've had wonderful experiences that didn't involve anal activity at all.

READER
I've had lots of dinners where I didn't eat meat, but that doesn't mean I really enjoyed them.

DIRECTOR
Right. Some people are natural-born meatatarians.

AUTHOR
Meatatarians?

DIRECTOR
Sure: vegetarians eat only vegetables; meatatarians eat only meat.

READER
And all real gay men like to fuck.

ACTOR AND AUTHOR
(Together)
That's not so!

DIRECTOR
You two work very well together.

ACTOR AND AUTHOR
(Together)
You're damn right!

READER
You just haven't been introduced to a good---introducer.

ACTOR
That is like some woman insisting she can straighten out a gay man if he would only go to bed with her.

DIRECTOR
(Addresses ACTOR)
But you wouldn't even let me try to---uh---introduce you.

ACTOR
But I kept telling you I had tried, more than a couple of times, and I never liked it. It just wasn't my thing.

DIRECTOR
It wasn't my thing, either.

ACTOR
It had nothing to do with your thing. The act just turned me off, so why should I let---someone I loved very much---turn me off.

READER
(Addresses AUTHOR)
I think we should get out of here.
(Addresses DIRECTOR)
And that's not a stage direction, either.

DIRECTOR
(Addresses ACTOR)
Honeybun, I---

ACTOR
And why did you insist on calling me "honeybun" when you knew I didn't like---

DIRECTOR
But a honeybun is just someone who's sweet, and tasty, and---

ACTOR
I just didn't like you to talk about my buns all the time---

DIRECTOR
OOOOOHH, you mean you didn't like "honeyBUN?"

READER
He's so quick.

ACTOR AND DIRECTOR
(Together)
Butt out!

READER
See, you just can't leave my ass out of anything.

DIRECTOR
Honestly, honeybun---ch, if I would have known, I wouldn't have insisted. You know I'm the easiest person in the world to get along with.

READER, ACTOR, AND AUTHOR
(Together)
Oh, sure!

DIRECTOR
(Addresses audience)
I think they've got it!
(Addresses players)
Where were we?

READER
Well, we've got a big hole---
(Players grimace at him)
A big gap?---
(Players groan)
An inconsistency, then, if you insist!
(Players listen)
The DIRECTOR and the ACTOR obviously know each other, or have known each other very well.

DIRECTOR, ACTOR, AND AUTHOR
(Together)
Yes?

READER
Oh, you're good! Well, if you knew each other before, why is it such a big surprise to the DIRECTOR when the ACTOR has a speech impediment?

DIRECTOR
I thought about that; but I'm not really surprised he has a speech impediment, I'm surprised that he wants to play Hamlet.

READER
But wouldn't you have known that?

DIRECTOR
Not necessarily.

ACTOR
It would be impossible to underestimate what he really knows.

READER
Bitchy!

DIRECTOR
That's not fair! We talked about lots of things that didn't seem important to me at the time, so I just forgot about them. You may actually have told me that you wanted to play Hamlet, but I may have actually forgotten about it.

ACTOR
Typical!

DIRECTOR
I don't think this is precisely the place to wash dirty laundry.

AUTHOR
Isn't that air dirty laundry?

READER
That should be my line!

AUTHOR
Sorry.

DIRECTOR
Isn't it silly for you, as the AUTHOR, to apologize for writing the line for the wrong person?

AUTHOR
I was apologizing for saying the line. Everyone should know by now that I really didn't write this shit.

ACTOR
You weren't even apologizing for saying the line: you were saying the line because it was written that way for you.

AUTHOR
I guess that's the case.

READER
What I want to know is: why are we here, doing this, in the first place?

ACTOR
Well, actors have to have something to act.

DIRECTOR
And directors have to have something to direct.

AUTHOR
And authors, even phony ones like me, have to write something, or they're not authors, are they?

READER
If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one to hear---
(Players stare at him; he clears his throat)
At least I have something better to do with my life than sit around reading stage directions, of which, as you may have noticed---
(Glares at the REAL AUTHOR)
---there really haven't been that many for me to read!

DIRECTOR
What was all that stuff in the beginning about Eco?

READER
Do I hear an echo?

ACTOR
I had this awful speech---where was it?
(Pretends to shuffle pages back to page 4)
Here it is: "Foo-Coh's Pendulum posits an age of instability and crisis, insists on a theme of senselessness and disorder."

DIRECTOR
You knew I knew that you didn't want me to cum in your mouth, but I----

ACTOR
What?

READER
(Laughs)
Where have I heard that before?

AUTHOR
Sorry, but that line had to be in the middle of page 16, so that the DIRECTOR could read it when he flipped back to page 16 in the script.

DIRECTOR
It makes just as much sense now as it did then.

ACTOR
Well, this play has certainly been senseless and disorderly.

AUTHOR
I don't agree with you!

READER
Oh sure, naturally as AUTHOR you would have to stick up for the real author.

AUTHOR
I don't think this play's been disorderly at all. We've gone, fairly logically, from one topic to another---and I think we've come to some fairly decent conclusions---

READER
(Leans again toward AUTHOR)
With the possibility for some fairly indecent conclusions---

AUTHOR
(Backs away from READER)
And anyway, we've got the recording---or the real author will have the recording, and---

READER
(Sits up primly in his chair)
Of course it will have to be severely edited so that nothing, uh, untoward would incrim---uh, embarrass any of the participants.

ACTOR
Aagh! You shouldn't have reminded me! I didn't want it used, but I'd managed to forget about it, and now you've reminded me!

DIRECTOR
(Faces the camera directly)
A professional would never ignore any links with posterity---

AUTHOR
Imagine: there in that machine, curled around a spool, is an actual period of time---the real-time recording of this half-hour, right now---

DIRECTOR
"You are there, December 7, 1941!"

READER
Are you calling this half-hour a bomb?

ACTOR
But when that videotape is played back, it won't be this time, but it'll be on a television screen in some other---future---half-hour time period.

DIRECTOR
Marching into the future, there we'll be---immortalized---living forever, to be watched with appreciation, maybe even envy, hundreds of years from now.

READER
The tape will undoubtedly have turned to dust long before that.

DIRECTOR
But the tape can be copied and digitized; we can be stored in a computer's memory and saved in thousands---millions!---of tiny bits---
(Glares at READER)
We will so be immortal!

READER
And I didn't even have my shirt pressed.

AUTHOR
Each time we say now, now, will become a future now, then. A string of future nows, each time the tape is played. And if it is copied, and recopied, each time those are played, this "now" becomes dozens of future nows.

DIRECTOR
Thousands---millions!---of us, leavening the future!

READER
Endless fertilizer!

ACTOR
Don't we have enough disorder and senselessness by now---
(Addresses DIRECTOR)
Look, do I get the part or not?

DIRECTOR
Part? What part?

ACTOR
Hamlet!

DIRECTOR
(Addresses AUTHOR)
I hope you've figured out where all this is leading.

AUTHOR
Of course I have.

DIRECTOR AND ACTOR
(Together)
Where?

READER
We're all learning how to recite lines---
(Conducts all the players by waving his arms and mouthing "One, two, three")

DIRECTOR, ACTOR, AND READER
(Together)
In unison!

AUTHOR
Listen: Act I is called "Preparations." The first act has two scenes; this is the first scene, which is called "En-dash---I don't mean an en dash, I mean E---N---dash---Counters: En-Counters"; it takes about half an hour. The second scene, which is called "Fund-Raising Party," is put into the following context: all of the Village Playwrights are raising money to "get where they want" and "go where they want to go," and is based on everyone's critique of this first scene.

DIRECTOR
Is based on? Or will be based on! Hey, that's neat typography---
(Points to his script)
"Is based on, question mark?, or will be based on, exclamation point!"

READER
Followed by: "Hey, that's neat typography dash-dash-dash," then a stage direction in parentheses, "Points to his script," then a continuation of the DIRECTOR's lines starting with an open quote, is, underlined, based on, comma, question mark, question mark, comma, or will be, underlined, based on, comma, exclamation point, exclamation point, closed quote."

AUTHOR
(Addresses READER)
Which you didn't have to read.

READER
What do you mean, I didn't have to read it: here it is, spelled out---
(Points to his script, then leans over toward AUTHOR, who backs away from READER and hides his script from him)
Isn't that what your script says?

DIRECTOR
My God, wouldn't it be complicated if we didn't all have the same scripts?
(Leans forward to stare at AUTHOR)

ACTOR
That would be going too far.
(Leans forward to stare at AUTHOR)

AUTHOR
Oh, I wouldn't do that. Please permit me to continue the plot summary.

(Players settle back in their chairs. DIRECTOR leans forward again)

DIRECTOR
You didn't answer my question!

AUTHOR
I'm sure no one remembers it, and the answer doesn't matter anyway.

(DIRECTOR sits back grumpily in his chair)

AUTHOR
The second act is entitled "Traveling"; Scene 1 is entitled "Getting Off," which will take place on a boat, with the stage as the sea and the audience as wavers-off. Scene 2 is entitled "Enter Whales," with destroyers, additional theatrical concepts, more sex, dance sequences, and an imagined-fantasy climax.

READER
More sex?!
(Pause)
Is this an interrobang---this question mark followed by an exclamation point?

ACTOR
Dance sequences? Count me out for those!

DIRECTOR
What the hell is "an imagined-fantasy climax"?

AUTHOR
Act III is entitled "Climaxes"---

DIRECTOR
I thought we already had a climax.

READER
No, that was "an imagined-fantasy climax"; these will be real.

AUTHOR
Scene 1 of Act III is entitled "Storms," where storms of emotion carry people off. There are also killings, drownings, and abandonments.

DIRECTOR
I can think of a couple of likely murders.

ACTOR
Drowning's awful.

READER
Abandoned! Abandoned! Tiers and emotions!
(Addresses AUTHOR)
Why did you spell "tears" T-I-E-R-S?

AUTHOR
If I'd spelled it T-E-A-R-S, you might have pronounced it like "rips"---you know, "tears."

READER
That tares it!---Oh, you are clever: T-A-R-E-S! So I wouldn't be tempted to say, "That tiers it!"

DIRECTOR
I'm all teared up.
(Addresses AUTHOR)
You trusted me---you spelled it T-E-A-R-E-D!

AUTHOR
Act III, Scene 2 is entitled "Dwindling," which takes the play back to two people, which has a rather unusual ending based on a Chinese story I read as a child and have been trying to locate ever since. And it also explains the title of the play: "And Then There Were Two."

DIRECTOR
"And Then There Were Two"!---
(Flips to the first page of his script)
But this play is entitled "The Director"!

AUTHOR
That can come later. You and the ACTOR have this scene---

ACTOR
Is it going to have me say something awful about myself?

AUTHOR
No---as a matter of fact---

DIRECTOR
It's going to have me say something awful about myself!

AUTHOR
I've got to do my part here!

DIRECTOR
If I walk off this stage, your scene doesn't get read at all!

ACTOR
But I don't want to walk off this stage. I need the work! We all need the work or we wouldn't be doing this!

DIRECTOR
Well, as an actor---

AUTHOR
No, you're the DIRECTOR.
(Pointing to ACTOR)
He's the ACTOR.

DIRECTOR
We know all that.

AUTHOR
Sorry.

DIRECTOR
You are! And I'm sorry that I have to stoop so low---

READER
(Aside)
Yeah----

DIRECTOR
Shit! I need the work, too. Where's the scene.

AUTHOR
(Pretending to hand out scripts; to DIRECTOR)
Here's yours.
(To ACTOR)
Here's yours.

READER
Where's mine?

AUTHOR
You're not in this scene.

READER
You'll regret that.

AUTHOR
OK, let's hear the scene.

ACTOR
(To DIRECTOR)
Why did you have anything to do with---that?
(Indicating READER)

DIRECTOR
Playing the field? Sowing wild oats?

ACTOR
Cornflakes! Catch her in the rye would be more like it!

DIRECTOR
Well, I did have some bourbon beforehand.

ACTOR
You never had to be drunk with me.
(Pretending to hand sheet of paper to READER)
Read this, please.

READER
(Pretending to take new paper and reads)
A loud buzzer repeats three times. The public-address system on the ship announces "Lifeboat drill." The ACTOR and DIRECTOR mime climbing into a lifeboat. The lifeboat is lowered and floats some distance from the ship. ---My, how quickly you can write when you set your mind to it!

AUTHOR
Don't be snide.

READER
Scene shifts to the bobbing lifeboat. ---I think I'm going to be sick.

AUTHOR
Quiet! And remember---we can't hear what they're saying.

READER
(Bobbing up and down)
Yeah. Right.

ACTOR
(Bobbing up and down)
Why is it that I don't seem to satisfy you anymore?

READER
Oh, girl!

AUTHOR
Shhh!

ACTOR
(Bobbing up and down)
Why is it that I don't seem to satisfy you anymore?

DIRECTOR
(Sitting still; watching ACTOR)
Oh, but you do, you do---it's just that I still like a little variety.

ACTOR
(Continuing to bob up and down)
I asked you before: why did you have to pick---that?

DIRECTOR
Oh, stop bobbing up and down. You're making me nauseous.

ACTOR
(Sitting still)
So you admit it. I make you nauseous.

(READER feigns nausea)

DIRECTOR
Do you try to misunderstand me, or does it just come naturally?

ACTOR
You said I make you nauseous.

READER
(Going to extreme nausea)
Don't pay any attention to me.

DIRECTOR
I said I was getting nauseous from watching you bouncing on your bubbly buns---

(AUTHOR turns bouncing READER's back to audience)

ACTOR
My buns---again!

DIRECTOR
Well, you were bouncing up and down and I was getting nauseous watching you. Now you've stopped. I'm not getting nauseous anymore.

ACTOR
You certainly don't sound happy.

DIRECTOR
Why should I be happy? Here we are in the middle of---a pacific---and our boat is way over there, and we're over here talking about something I'm not really interested in talking about.

ACTOR
You're not even talking about anything yet. You refuse to talk about---anything---ever!

DIRECTOR
What is there to talk about?
(Pause)
OK---yes, I loved you---

ACTOR
---Loved?

DIRECTOR
Things change---

ACTOR
Things change, but love's not one of them!

DIRECTOR
Five years is a long time. I'm not the same person I was five years ago.

ACTOR
I may have changed, but I still want the same things. I want someone to be there, to be happy with me when I get a new part, to talk with long into the night---planning---planning---

DIRECTOR
Why didn't we talk about your planning to audition for my "Hamlet"? Why did I have to be subjected to the---embarrassment of your wanting to be Hamlet with---

ACTOR
With a speech impediment? You hadn't noticed before?

DIRECTOR
Of course I'd noticed. I thought it was charming.

ACTOR
---Thought it was charming.

DIRECTOR
I still think it's---it's characteristic.

ACTOR
Characteristic? Characteristic of what?

DIRECTOR
Of you! In the right parts it gives you a vulnerability, an understated quality of---fallibility.

ACTOR
So that you, by contrast, look infallible?

DIRECTOR
What do you mean: I never appear in the plays I direct.

ACTOR
I'm talking about real life. Your beautiful, precisely enunciated infallible words---framed---by my---
(Close to tears)
---by my---flaws.

DIRECTOR
(Putting hand on ACTOR's knee)
You're not being fair---

ACTOR
(Throwing off DIRECTOR's hand)
So to console me you put your hand on my knee? What a great lover you are. Here, alone in the middle of---a pacific---and you can't even put your arms around me?

DIRECTOR
It doesn't seem so pacific to me at this particular moment.

ACTOR
I don't want it to be pacific for you! You say you're ending our relationship---

DIRECTOR
I didn't say that!

ACTOR
No, you just used to love me. We used to have an all-consuming relationship.

DIRECTOR
We had always agreed it would be an open relationship.

ACTOR
I didn't need to look for variety, to sow any wild oats.

DIRECTOR
You always admitted to being shy. Though you weren't shy when you came after me.

ACTOR
I didn't need to be shy---I could see that you were attracted to me. It seemed so perfect: both in theater, both almost starving, both eager for new challenges---

DIRECTOR
Both on rebounds from totally disastrous relationships.

ACTOR
Neither of us could ever be happy with a nine-to-fiver.

DIRECTOR
And this "Hamlet" could be the start of a whole new phase---

ACTOR
I wanted to be part of it. We could do something together, at last.

DIRECTOR
We are still together. It's a new phase---

ACTOR
---Without me.

DIRECTOR
I didn't say that.

ACTOR
No, you wait for me to say it. You can't be blamed for ending our relationship if I end it.

DIRECTOR
It's not like that.

ACTOR
It is like that. That is exactly how it is.

DIRECTOR
No, that isn't.

ACTOR
Yes it is! You always let me do the dirty work. If we can't go to a dinner, it's always "Oh, you call them. You're so much better at that sort of thing." Your trick from the Tunnel? "Oh, just phone and say that I was called out of town unexpectedly." How many times have I heard "Oh, please call my mother and tell her we just can't make the family dinner" that she'd been planning for two months.

DIRECTOR
Honeybunch---

ACTOR
It doesn't work anymore. It's over. I've had it. Message received.

(DIRECTOR reaches toward ACTOR)

ACTOR
Really, honeybunch can actually change. Sorry. It's too late. The party's over. Back to the boat.

DIRECTOR
Back to the AUTHOR. That's what you mean.

ACTOR
I'm young, sort of, and single now.

DIRECTOR
Let's leave all this---here.

ACTOR
It's all behind us, swallowed up by---a pacific.

DIRECTOR
Thanks.

ACTOR
(Calling)
Hey! Isn't the lifeboat drill over yet?

AUTHOR
(Scribbling another note)
My characters call unto me and I shall do with them as they will.

READER
(Still bobbing gently up and down)
You shall do with us as we wilt! It's hot out here in the middle of---a pacific.

AUTHOR
(Hands READER note)
OK, OK, I think we've all got the point already.

READER
(Reads from note, then stops bobbing up and down)
One long all-clear siren. Captain's voice through public-address system: "Lifeboat drill over; return to shit---ship!"

AUTHOR
Just read the notes as written, por favor.

READER
Grathiath, Theñor. ACTOR and DIRECTOR mime getting out of lifeboat and returning to their seats. How did they manage to leave their seats---behind---them?

AUTHOR
Welcome aboard.

READER
A broad welcome.

DIRECTOR
It was so serene, out in those---quiet---placid waters.

ACTOR
At least we got one whale out of the way.

AUTHOR
I blush to admit I wasn't quite sure what I meant when I wrote that down.

DIRECTOR
Don't worry. A good director can always create a whale---

READER
---out of a minnow.

DIRECTOR
You know, we really didn't miss you, all alone out there on that lifeboat.

READER
But there was a whole long period when the audience wasn't laughing at all.

DIRECTOR
This may be a comedy, but it doesn't all have to be hilarious.

AUTHOR
I'd settle for gently amusing.

DIRECTOR
I'd demand more of a through line. More structure. More emotion. Less intellectualization.

AUTHOR
Direct what you will. Thank goodness you can't change my words.

DIRECTOR
Judicious cuts are not out of the question.

AUTHOR
The script has the final word.

READER
The script may have it, but there's no guarantee it will ever be spoken.

DIRECTOR
Actions speak louder than words, anyway.

AUTHOR
Both of you against me now?

ACTOR
Don't worry; a good actor will always be on the side of the author.

DIRECTOR
An excellent actor looks for a good vehicle. If the words aren't worth speaking, they can be rattled off at such a clip that no audience will ever understand what they mean.

AUTHOR
What a terrible subversion of the script.

READER
Any script may be a sub-version of a better, future script.

DIRECTOR
A reading, like this, is the shakedown cruise of the ship---script! Sometimes, scripts just sink.

AUTHOR
Jumping to conclusions?

READER
In the middle of a pacific?

AUTHOR
Too pacific for too long. I can't take much more of this.
(Points imaginary gun alternately at READER and DIRECTOR)
Whom do I like least?

ACTOR
Dwindling!

READER
Don't point that thing at me.

DIRECTOR
Conflict! Challenging ideas! Differences of opinion!

AUTHOR
Not bad.

DIRECTOR
Minor alterations in the script.

AUTHOR
(Gets emotional for the first time)
Not good.
(Mimes shooting DIRECTOR)
Bang, you're dead.

DIRECTOR
That's not a minor alteration---that's a major catastrophe!

AUTHOR
It may be, for you, but it's a major relief for the rest of us!

DIRECTOR
This is only the first scene. You can't get rid of a primary character before the play's barely begun.

READER
Stabbed in the back, like poor Janet Leigh in "Psycho."

DIRECTOR
Yes, that's it. You're stabbing me in the back. Play fair.

AUTHOR
It was meant to be a fair play, but you're directing it in the wrong direction, Director!

DIRECTOR
How can you say that? I'm only reading the lines you---
(Waving script toward AUTHOR)
---you ---
(Waving script toward REAL AUTHOR in audience)
---you---
(Waving script in a wide circle around the top of his head)
---wrote for me.

AUTHOR
It's not the effect of the lines---it's the effect of the delivery of the lines. You haven't put yourself across as a very likable character.

DIRECTOR
My mother likes me.

READER
That's debatable.

DIRECTOR
(Appealing to ACTOR)
Do you think I should be killed off---just like that?

ACTOR
(Appealing to AUTHOR)
Maybe we haven't had a chance to see the full range of his possibilities.

AUTHOR
It's hard to change a first bad impression.

ACTOR
Maybe we could give him another chance.

AUTHOR
Is that really what you want?

ACTOR
For the sake of the play, yes. I kind of like my part---I hope you---I hope the play succeeds. Wouldn't the play have more possibilities if you kept the characters around? At least until the second or third scene?

AUTHOR
You think that's a good idea?

ACTOR
I think that's a good idea.

AUTHOR
(Reluctantly)
Well, I guess if you think it's a good idea----

READER
(Pointing gun at DIRECTOR)
Bang! You're undead!

DIRECTOR
Thanks a lot.

READER
Blackout. End of scene. Aha! The real author's getting smart. He didn't say end of which scene. OK, what do we do now?

REAL AUTHOR
Appoint a moderator, like always.

(BLACKOUT)

END OF ACT 1