TWO GUYS

(One-Act Play by Bob Zolnerzak)

 

SCENE

[The stage is bare, as in "Our Town." Stage left is the GAY GUY's area, essentially a living room. Stage right is the STRAIGHT GUY's area, essentially a kitchen. In the center of the stage is a long trestle-type table, its long axis perpendicular to the audience so that it divides the stage into the GAY GUY's area on their right and the STRAIGHT GUY's area on their left. Down the center of the table, also perpendicular to the audience, is a set of shutters, or a curtain that can be divided or lifted, that represents the wall between the areas at the start of the play.]

CAST OF CHARACTERS

GAY GUY: He is in his 30s, plain-looking to good-looking, with a kind of closed-ness or reticence.

STRAIGHT GUY: He is in his 30s, very good-looking, wearing a pair of very sexy, tight shorts.

TIME

The present.

GAY GUY
[Writes, scratches out; writes, shakes head, scratches out.] I just can't seem to get it right! [Writes, stops, slaps hand on edge of table.] Maybe I'm just hungry---I never can think straight when I'm hungry.

[STRAIGHT GUY turns from the stove with two plates of food, a fork sticking upright in each. He walks to the table, puts the plates on it, and opens up the room-divider. GAY GUY gapes in amazement.]

STRAIGHT GUY
[Putting one plate in front of GAY GUY, speaking without emotion.] Here, eat this.

GAY GUY
Where the fuck did you come from?

STRAIGHT GUY
I was here before you were; this whole thing was once one apartment. They divided it up just before I moved in. Don't say "fuck."

[Pause; GAY GUY sits frozen, his jaw dropped open.]

STRAIGHT GUY
Eat your food before it gets cold.

[He sits and starts to eat.]

GAY GUY
You've been over there all the time? Since I moved in?

STRAIGHT GUY
No, I work during the day---during the week. Sometimes I go out at night, too. [Pause.] I said, eat your food, before it gets cold.

GAY GUY
Have you been listening to me---when you're home---at night?

STRAIGHT GUY
How else do you think I heard you say you were hungry?

GAY GUY
[Still dazed, picks up his fork and starts eating.]
No, I mean before---during the past month.

STRAIGHT GUY
Yeah. Sometimes. [Pause.] You jerk off a lot.

GAY GUY
What?! [Drops fork.] You listen to me?

STRAIGHT GUY
[Continues to eat.] No, I don't hold my breath and sit next to the divider to listen to you all the time. You just make a lot of noise when you jerk off.

GAY GUY
[Grabbing the edge of the table as if he might fall over.] I don't fuckin' believe this!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Gesticulating with his fork as he eats.] Look, I really don't care what you do in the privacy of your own apartment. But while you're slobbering over my tuna casserole, I really would prefer that you didn't use profanity.

GAY GUY
[Sitting erect in his chair.] I am not slobbering; this isn't very good tuna casserole---I wondered what it was---and I may use obscenity but I'm never profane. I'm not religious enough to be profane. And stop being such a queen!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Mildly.] And I'm not gay enough to be a queen; as a matter of fact, I'm not gay at all.

GAY GUY
If you're so f--, uh, darned straight, why are you getting your rocks off listening to me jerk off? And why do you serve me tuna casserole?!

STRAIGHT GUY
I didn't know tuna casserole was supposed to be gender-specific. And believe me, guy, I do not get my rocks off listening to you jerk off. Actually, it makes me rather sad. And what's wrong with my tuna casserole?

GAY GUY
So you even know my name!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Lowering his fork.] Now you've got me confused. Is your name really Jerk Off? I'm sure it isn't Tuna Casserole.

GAY GUY
No! It's Guy! You called me Guy. That's my name. [Eating a forkful.] Jerk Off!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Enthusiastic for the first time.] That is a coincidence. [Extends hand.] Glad to meet you, Guy; my name's Guy, too! But you really shouldn't talk with your mouth full.

GAY GUY
[Swallowing meticulously and enunciating clearly.] You must be putting me on.

STRAIGHT GUY
No! What an incredible synchronicity! Two "Guy"s living in what used to be one apartment. I don't blame you---I hardly believe it myself. Now you will have to tell me what you don't like about my tuna casserole.

GAY GUY
Well, first, it's kinda dry---I bet you used the tuna with water, rather than the tuna with oil. Then you overcooked the noodles---and noodles are so boring, at least you could use some good---WAIT a minute!

STRAIGHT GUY
What's the matter, Guy?

GAY GUY
I still don't f--, darn---dammit: fuckin' believe this! You break through my wall, tell me I jerk off too much---

STRAIGHT GUY
Gee, Guy, I'm really sorry I said that. Anyway, I don't think I actually said you jerked off too much, I think I only said you jerked off a lot. I try not to be judgmental---actually, it's really none of my business, except that I hear---

GAY GUY
That's what pisses me off! You listen to me for a whole month, and then over some mediocre tuna casserole you finally get up the guts---

STRAIGHT GUY
[Sounding annoyed.] Look, if you really don't like--- [Reaches for plate.]

GAY GUY
[Drawing plate away.] That's OK. I'm sorry. It's not really bad tuna casserole, it just doesn't have much imagination. And I was hungry, and it was nice of you to give me---did you plan all of this?

STRAIGHT GUY
No, I always make enough tuna casserole for five or six days. I don't like to cook, but it's too expensive to eat out all the time. It really is cheaper if you cook for yourself.

GAY GUY
It certainly is cheap---er. What makes you so sure you're not gay?

STRAIGHT GUY
If you think I'm trying to seduce you with mediocre tuna casserole, I could think of a lot better ways. Dee told me I should rent you a porno---

GAY GUY
[Spraying food from his mouth.] Dee?! Who the f--, who the sh--, who the hell is Dee?

STRAIGHT GUY
Dee's my girlfriend. One night, when she was here---

GAY GUY
Dee was here? One night? When I was jerking off?

STRAIGHT GUY
[Placatingly.] Well I got tired of trying to figure out what your schedule was, since you seemed to go at it pretty much every night---

GAY GUY
You kept track of me? What did you do, have a little notebook somewhere where you wrote down: Tuesday, 9PM, Wednesday, 10PM---is that what you did?

STRAIGHT GUY
Guy, look, you've got it all wrong. Anyway, we were talking about Dee. Can't we stay on one subject for a couple of minutes? [GAY GUY stares for a second, then pointedly resumes eating in silence.] Thank you. Actually, I'm a pretty horny guy, too. In my old apartment, I got used to Dee coming over three or four times a week. [GAY GUY freezes.] But that had to stop when I moved here. [GAY GUY resumes eating.] But I couldn't become celibate just because there was some guy, uh, some fellow living on the other side of the divider, making so much noise. So one night I invited Dee over---I mean, the previous evening you'd cum four times, so I thought---

GAY GUY
[Gagging.] You were taking notes; you were listening---for your information I never have to give it a rest!

STRAIGHT GUY
I just thought the chances were better than usual that you wouldn't be so, uh, so---

GAY GUY
I'm waiting.

STRAIGHT GUY
Well, so forthcoming.

GAY GUY
My God, I'm living next door to Bob Hope. Have you ever tried spreading your humor around? Like in a bar---or a bedroom?

STRAIGHT GUY
No, I tried that once---twice, actually, but it-----

GAY GUY
Tried what? Jerking off with a faggot??

STRAIGHT GUY
I thought that wasn't supposed to be a very nice thing to say.

GAY GUY
It's not, but I think I had just cause. The words don't matter; did you actually try it?

STRAIGHT GUY
Well, yes. Dee and I tried a foursome with another couple----

GAY GUY
Four seems to be today's number.

STRAIGHT GUY
---and she thought I wasn't comfortable with the other guy, fellow, man. So she suggested that I try experimenting with a gay guy, fellow, man.

GAY GUY
So you want to experiment with a gay man, fellow, guy, ME-Guy?

STRAIGHT GUY
No, I did it already, a couple of years ago. It seemed simple. After all, I knew how to operate the equipment, and I was really curious what it would be like, particularly since Dee was so enthusiastic about her lady-friend. Why should I rule out half the world's population?

GAY GUY
Ye-e-es?

STRAIGHT GUY
I just couldn't get into it---I know what you're thinking--- [holds his hand up in a "stop" position]---just what Dee thought, that I was afraid, and blocking, and causing myself to fail. I insist that I really wanted it to work, but I simply didn't get turned on. The guy was attractive enough, he was willing to be patient with me---he was a friend of Dee's, since I can see that you're curious. But there was just no-----zing! Only at the end, when I was completely frustrated and unhappy with myself, and he suggested that we just fall asleep together---yes, you're right to smile!---did I relax and just feel the warmth of another human being. We started talking, quietly, about Dee---it turned out he looked at her completely differently than I did. I know that shouldn't have surprised me so much, but I thought I knew everything about her, and he told me about lots of her personality traits that I'd never encountered before, about how she---

GAY GUY
The subject isn't Dee, Guy, it's supposed to be you and this other guy, man---now you've got me doing it!

STRAIGHT GUY
That's funny, because Dee had to worm my version of that night from me. He told her all about it from his point of view, but I sure had a hell---and look what you got me into the bad habit of doing---I sure had a hard time being honest with her. But it was worse, and better, the second time I tried---this time with someone Dee didn't know---

GAY GUY
And someone who couldn't carry the news back to her?

STRAIGHT GUY
Yes [laughing] everyone knew that was a big part of it. But I still wasn't sexually excited by him, even though he was very attractive, very masculine, and very willing.

GAY GUY
Sometimes "too much of a good thing" can be off-putting, too. Did you consider that?

STRAIGHT GUY
Oh yes, I remember once or twice when I felt, well, in awe of someone; you know, how could she want to have anything to do with me! This wasn't the same thing at all. I just didn't feel any attraction----well------that is--------until-----

GAY GUY
[Leaning forward intently; encouraging, not pressuring.]

Until---?

STRAIGHT GUY
[Choking up slightly at the memory.]

Until, well---it seems our encounter threw him back into a memory that was----very----loaded for him. I reminded him of someone who had accepted him, early on, when he had very little confidence in himself, and when I hurried to assure him that he was a very desirable, attractive man---in a way, accepting him as a person, as [he begins to have difficulty talking through his emotions.]----as a person of value, of warmth----he----he began---his eyes began tearing, and as I reached up to put my hand on his face, he sobbed, "That's just what he did," [he sighs deeply] and then he fell weeping into my arms.

GAY GUY
Hmmmm.

STRAIGHT GUY
That's like---the other side of sex----past sex, away from sex.

GAY GUY
Sure---"away" so fast and far that you run right, smack, square into it!

STRAIGHT GUY
No!

GAY GUY
YES, you bet your sweet ass, yes; or his sweet ass, yes; or anyone's sweet anything yes. Nothing's a bigger turn-on than vulnerability.

STRAIGHT GUY
Angry. That's not vulnerability; that's strength. I guess I didn't describe it very well: I was building him up, he was building himself up---

GAY GUY
Well, I'll sure bet something was up. Guy, I don't think I'm getting the whole story here. He falls weeping into your arms and nothing happens?

STRAIGHT GUY
That was what happened. I mean, that was a very important thing that happened; it wasn't nothing. Those were tears of joy, not of sadness; that was a celebration, not a sorrowing: I was there for him and he was there for me.

GAY GUY
So why didn't the two of you live happily ever after?

STRAIGHT GUY
Guy, you are about as pleasant as a boiled turd.

GAY GUY
Never tried one; is it better than tuna casserole?

STRAIGHT GUY
[Grabbing the now-empty plates and striding away from the table.] It doesn't look like you had any trouble stomaching my food!

GAY GUY
[Obviously appreciating STRAIGHT GUY's sexy shorts and legs.]

Talk about hiding your talents under a table-top!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Misunderstanding the reference, back still turned.]

So the tuna casserole wasn't as bad as you said it was?

GAY GUY
The dish definitely has something going for it!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Begins to suspect something; he turns. GAY GUY's head visibly tilts up from crotch-level to head-level.]

Precisely what is the subject of conversation?

GAY GUY
[Muttering.] Where does honesty go when a girl needs it!

STRAIGHT GUY
What?

GAY GUY
[He literally can't keep his eyes above STRAIGHT GUY's waist for long; GAY GUY begins turning his head in other directions.]
I don't think you're gonna like this.

STRAIGHT GUY
[Finally aware of GAY GUY's sexual interest.]

Oh, you mean you like my shorts?

[GAY GUY acts acutely embarrassed.]

C'mon, Guy, why do you think I wore them?

GAY GUY
[Head stops turning.] You like------I like your shorts?

STRAIGHT GUY
Well, I sure the hell like it better than I like your grammar.

GAY GUY
[Defensive.] Watch your language; you don't like profanity.

STRAIGHT GUY
I thought you said it was obscenity.

GAY GUY
I think this [a Bette Davis wave of hand at shorts] is obscene.

STRAIGHT GUY
Obscene? But you just said you liked them.

GAY GUY
Of course I like them, but it's obscene that I can't have them. No, that's not what I mean---I mean---

STRAIGHT GUY
No, I think that is what you mean. Why can't you have them---just what does "having them" mean?

GAY GUY
[Forgetting himself momentarily.] "Having them" means chewing on them, stripping them off and cumming on them, jerking off [remembering himself] ---ohmigod!

STRAIGHT GUY
I thought we'd never get back to that.

GAY GUY
[Reaching up to fumble with the room-divider.] Let's pretend this never happened. Let me just crawl under a rock somewhere---

STRAIGHT GUY
I thought the direction nowadays was out, not in. I come out to you and you run away?

GAY GUY
You mean you are gay?

STRAIGHT GUY
No, but I come out to you as a person, as who I am, and you want to crawl under a rock?

GAY GUY
But YOU are a Straight Guy [self-mocking,] and I am a GAY GUY, and never the twain shall fuck-oh-my-goodness. [run together embarrassedly]

STRAIGHT GUY
There's nothing wrong with fucking, provided it's safe, but----Guy!---- there's also nothing wrong with not fucking!

GAY GUY
Oh, thanks a bunch: I can lick your boots---and your calves-------and your thighs--------and you can pat me on the head like a good doggie.

STRAIGHT GUY
I'm obviously not doing this right. Dee said----

GAY GUY
[Not-quite-mock hysteria.] Dee said there'd be days like this!

STRAIGHT GUY
Guy! Stop it! [through this, GAY GUY self-mockingly says "Yes, Massa," "No, Massa" interchangeably.] I'm not doing this to make you miserable. I'm not supposed to be making me miserable. You've got to stop reacting whenever I mention Dee. I love her. She loves me. We try to bring out the best in each other and in our friends. She's a wonderful, mature, knowing woman. Maybe we didn't do the wisest thing, meeting in my room with you right here, not knowing about us, because we were quiet because we knew about you. Maybe that wasn't fair---or loving. But, hearing you, her heart went out to you-----oh, stop that, Guy, and listen to me. [GAY GUY freezes.] Yes, I can't think of any other way of saying it: her heart went out across this divider, to you, and she loved, well, who you are. [GAY GUY starts panting like a dog, but a long stony silence by STRAIGHT GUY silences GAY GUY.] And since I'll do anything for her, for the woman I love so deeply, I agreed to---try to--- [He starts to reach for GAY GUY's face with his hand.]

GAY GUY
Don't. You. Dare.

STRAIGHT GUY
[Giving up, turning his back.] But I messed it up. I did it the wrong way. I failed. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I'd heard you whispering your fantasies, and I thought I could fit into them.
[GAY GUY begins listening in a more relaxed, open posture.]

STRAIGHT GUY
It was stupid of me. She thinks, because she's so blindly in love with me, that I can do anything she tells me to do. Like a fool, I believed her. And now you've been sucked into the foolish stupidity. I'm very sorry. I can't believe how short-sighted I was---these stupid shorts, they're not me at all. What you want---isn't anything like anything I can offer you. [Pause. A deep sigh.] At least she'll get what she's always wanted. I'll move in with her---I couldn't possibly bear the thought of the way we've---the way I've misjudged you, living across the divider from you.

GAY GUY
[Quietly.] To the victor belongs the spoils?

STRAIGHT GUY
[Turning to GAY GUY.] At least you've listened to some of the things I've said.

GAY GUY
[Averting his head.] I've listened to everything you've said---even to some of the things you haven't said.

STRAIGHT GUY
What haven't I said?

GAY GUY
[Sally Fields for a moment.] You like me; you really like me.

STRAIGHT GUY
No---I mean yes. I mean, I did say that, didn't I?

GAY GUY
No, as a matter of fact, you didn't.

STRAIGHT GUY
[Intently.] Well then, Guy. [Sally Fields, but awful.] I really like you.

GAY GUY
[Exasperated.] Holy. Fucking. Jesus. Now that is profanity!---can you think of any other ways to screw it up even worse?

STRAIGHT GUY
Oh, God. Now that's not profanity, it's an invocation! Now that we've followed every possible wrong turning, the end of our relationship has got to be an up.

GAY GUY
But this isn't the end of our relationship; it's just the start. Answer me one question, more truthfully than you've ever answered a question before.

STRAIGHT GUY
I owe you that much, at least.

GAY GUY
Do you really, truly, sincerely want to move in with Dee?

STRAIGHT GUY
After long silence. No. But not for the reasons you think-----

GAY GUY
No, Guy, let me say them. [Pause.] I've listened to you, more deeply than you've spoken. That listening forced you to go deeper into yourself. Your love with Dee, and hers with you, is profound, but its intensity is like a frozen stasis: a glittering brightness. Here, in just a few minutes, we've had blazing light and darkest shadow. You and she are alike. You and I are different. We are the knives that can cut into each other's deepest selves. As awful as it sounds, I believe we love both the blood and the battle. You and Dee have become one. We will always remain two. Two Guys.

STRAIGHT GUY
[Lovingly.] You really are a screwed-up fuck.

GAY GUY
And you, m'dear, are a fucked-up screw!

STRAIGHT GUY
[Getting two champagne glasses filled with water from his kitchen, handing one to GAY GUY; they toast.]

GAY GUY and STRAIGHT GUY (together)
Two Guys!

END