TWO RADIO PLAYS
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)
TWO RADIO PLAYS
HOME PAGES OF THE DAMNED
[A Radio Play]
(A preposterously pretentious fanfare plays for thirty seconds.)
ANNOUNCER: This is your LUCKY DAY! No more will you need to feel LEFT OUT when you see, in a newspaper or a magazine (smarmily) "Visit us at h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash-w-w-w-dot-blah-blah-blah-dot-com." Now YOU can visit ANY home page you WANT! For only 99 dollars and 99 cents---that's 144 dollars and 73 cents in Canadian currency---YOU can have VOCAL HOME PAGES!
That's right: VOCAL HOME PAGES! (confidentially) That's what those are, you know, those "h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash-w-w-w-dot" things: HOME PAGES! On the Internet! YOU know, Internet? That thing that you used to need a two-thousand-dollar computer with a TV monitor and a special phone-thing to hook into? That "Information Superhighway" everyone was talking about?
Well, VOCAL HOME PAGES, for only 99 dollars and 99 cents---INCLUDING TAX---will give you---that's right!---VOCAL HOME PAGES.
Now how do we DO that?! YOU just send us 99 dollars and 99 cents---you heard right, just 99 dollars and 99 cents---and we send you---a cordless telephone! Wait a minute, you say: 99 dollars and 99 cents for a cordless telephone? Ah, but this is a VERY SPECIAL cordless telephone. This cordless telephone connects you to VOCAL HOME PAGES.
How does it work? I'm glad you asked! You just pick up the phone and DIAL one of those w-w-w-dot things. You don't even have to BOTHER with that old h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash stuff. You don't even need to dial the w-w-w-dot part! Our telephone DOES IT FOR YOU! Just dial in the home-page address and---ho-ho-ho!---GET CONNECTED!
But you CAN'T do this with your REGULAR telephone, because a regular telephone DOESN'T even have a DOT. (confidentially) You gotta dial the dot, it's part of the address.
But what if you don't know the address? That's the wonderful part of our special telephone: you don't NEED to know the address. Let's say that you KNOW that Maisie Grainger, in Foot, Minnesota, has a vocal home page. You just press our question-mark button---we're the ONLY phone with a question-mark button---and speak into the telephone: "I'd like Maisie Grainger, in Foot, Minnesota." And you'll hear her vocal home page! You can even talk back to her if you order our TALK-BACK feature. When you get our telephone, just say ORDER MORE into it, and we'll tell you all about it!
And there's more! Be sure to listen to "Underwear of the Stars" to hear how YOU can own "that special little thing" that was worn by "that VERY special person." And, for adults only, (suggestively) "Obsessed with Sex!" Or listen in to "The Instant Pyramid Payoff!" it could repay much more than 99 dollars and 99 cents in ONLY ONE PHONE CALL!
VOCAL HOME PAGES! The technology of the future can be yours today. Just send your check or money order for 99 dollars and 99 cents to VOCAL HOME PAGES, in care of this station. Order NOW!
(A preposterously pretentious fanfare plays for 30 seconds.)
END
UNDERWEAR OF THE STARS
(Sound of heavy breathing of indeterminate gender)
ANNOUNCER: Close---closer---(whispers) closest! Come---closest to that one special person, that one VERY special person that you would give ANYTHING to be close to. Now, for only 69 dollars and 96 cents, you can have THAT ONE THING closest to that WONDERFUL treasure you would so much like to hold close to you: the UNDERWEAR of that very special person!
Whether it's the jockstrap of Arnold Schwarzenegger or the nursing bra of Demi Moore---YOU can own, for your very own, the UNDERWEAR OF THE STARS! I can hear all you doubters out there now: "How do I KNOW I'm getting the AUTHENTIC undergarment of these VERY famous and well-paid superstars?" Let me tell you, though the superstars may earn astronomical salaries, the SEAMSTRESSES to the superstars have to do every little thing they can to keep oatmeal on the tables of their own tiny children. Through special arrangement with the American Seamstresses Society, these lowly underpaid servants, through whose hands pass the linen of the lovely, have offered EXCLUSIVE rights to UNDERWEAR OF THE STARS to sell these precious once-used garments.
Sparing no costs, the UNDERWEAR OF THE STARS conglomerate, a non-profit organization, turns over to these dedicated workers one hundred percent of your tax-deductible contributions---minus of course the tiny necessary operating costs---ALONG WITH HAND-INITIALED supplemental undergarments to PROVE that the star whose intimate parts YOU would like to be intimate with, has actually worn THESE INTIMATE GARMENTS in the most intimate manner.
So what will it be? Sly Stallone's headband? A monthly memento from one of Hollywood's most beautiful starlets? Tom Cruise's condom, specially reversible for you Nicole Kidman fans? Or this blast from the past for the most discriminating couple: Barbara Stanwyck's own dildo, modeled after Tyrone Power's unavailable underpinnings?! But of course these---shall we say---"double-edged" gifts, and a few other one-of-a-kind offerings, command premium prices, which are listed in our $14.95 catalog of Hollywood's hottest household helpers.
But to come back down to earth from these heady extravagances, why settle for one expensive item when you can have a weekly series: seven for the price of five. Which day of the week is roughest on YOUR matinee idol? Does Monday or Saturday leave the most redolent residues on these lovely linens? Or try our Four Seasons mix to see how your hero or heroine's tastes change with the changing weather. For a treat, we offer our vacation-time special: this includes items from times when they can REALLY let it all hang out!
Send for our catalog, updated weekly for all current crazes---styles change SO quickly when there's nothing else to think about. If you want to hear our "super-adult" announcement, we'll transfer five dollars from your account when you push the question-mark button at the end of this vocal.
Remember our motto: Life's a short; enjoy it when you can!
END