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     "Would you stop fucking and farting, please?" The Chairman pounded his gavel for the attention of the assembly. "We'd like to get the discussion underway now."
     A last few ripping sound plopped into the air, then the delegates adjusted their trousers and skirts and settled into their seats. Important intercourse about the subject matter was deferred until after the general meeting.
     "Thank you. The Orgasmic Investigation society and I, personally, as Chairman of the OIs, would like to welcome the contingent from the Society for the Human Investigation of Defecation. You SHIDs have built your practice to the point where you can no longer be ignored by the scientific fraternity. Now is the time for us OIs to listen to you SHIDs."
     There was a ripple of applause and a few cheers, notably from the SHIDs, but this didn't suffice to cover the hisses and other impolite sounds from the OIs. Hadn't the OIs been leaders into the general field of Analysis of Social Shame? Now the banner of ASS was in danger of being plucked from the OIs and given to the SHIDs, and the OIs didn't sympathize with their Chairman for calling this meeting.
     "Before we get to the main speaker of this afternoon," said the OI Chairman, "I'd like to summarize the world's present position for the gentlemen of the press," ---here he smiled into the popping wash of flashbulbs from the front row, where the best seats were of course reserved for photographers.
     "In the not too distant past it became obvious that ordinary verbal psychotherapy or psychoanalysis wasn't sufficient to cope with the increasing tension in modern society. Group therapy sessions established by these same therapists and patients were a tiny step in the right direction; some even feared that THIS going too far---" He paused for general patronizing laughter at such outmoded thoughts.
     "But the field soon advanced significantly as the work of the Gestaltists and the Bio-Energeticists were wedded to the classical Reichean approach, producing such offshoots as Esalen and Aureon on the coasts.
     "Aureon Institute encouraged the modification known as the Duckett-Frick Theory of Types: this gained momentum in the late 60s and early 70s, and the first presaging of Orgasmic Investigation was based on the cathartic movement encouraged by the Duckett-Frick adherents.
     "Semi-social orgasm hadn't been entirely unknown. The so called Jet-Set Syndrome of increasingly public intercourse could be thought of as an offshoot of La Verite, which enjoyed such a widespread but short-lived fame. Naturally La Verite wasn't specifically designed for nonverbal communication; it lapsed quickly into the more direct methods of Jet-Setting, where the orgasmic encounter would be witnessed by a circle of close friends. This technique was so revealing, so enveloping, so---so TRUE, that the Inigo-Otticome Theory was developed by Hartley Inigo and Pedro Otticome during their private investigations into the orgasmic unities."
     The Chairman paused to take a sip of milk from the glass in front of him and nodded toward Pedro Otticome, who waved his hemorrhoids back at the speaker's podium.
     "Since mental investigations tended to get more and more nonverbal, to rely more and more on gut feelings and actions of the body, Mr Inigo, probing to the heart of the matter, decided that a therapeutic setting for fornication might be beneficial in the investigation of the human psyche. I won't bother to outline the formats for these fornications, but will merely list the ?Plexiglass Pecker? offshoot of the device constructed by Masters and Johnson back in the 60s, and the ?Cunning Cavity,? the female counterpart of the Plexiglass Pecker.
     The reciprocating double whang used for frontal Lesbian encounters, its modification which was used in the reverse male duos, the ?Manual Mouth? which was used to great benefit during the research into soixante-neuf, and the whole gamut of positive and negative vibrators, with and without the electrical over-stimulator, are too well known to discuss in detail. As technology increased, we discovered the Finger Bath and the Nibble Tank that produced a whole-body sensation conducive to Orgasmic Investigation. We developed specialized devices for the ancient perversions: Tit Fields and Whipping Dolls for explosions and operations, and various machines for slicing, cutting, hacking, breaking, pressing, burning, and dismembering. Such devices as the Velvet Maiden, the Sex-Stretcher, and the non-organic defecator may have led directly to the development of the Society for the Human Investigation of Defecation."
     Unobstrusively, the Chairman adjusted his erection in his trousers and prepared to climax his introduction.
     "The head SHID is here with us today. We are very pleased that Doctor Stanley Spray could remove himself from his dining table long enough to give us a brief description of the growth of his area of investigation."
     Doctor Stanley Spray pushed the button which elevated his seat. He had grown too fat to walk or even stand: his body has been essentially converted into a brain sitting on top of an excretory apparatus. His mouth dominated his face; his belt seemed to rest securely under his armpits. Attendants circled under his seatless chair, catching and labeling the shit which curled more or less constantly from his enormous fundment. Dr. Spray would then analyze the convolutions, determine his internal, mental, and physical feelings through them, and then they would then be packaged and sent as examples to his students in the Society.
     "Dear friends in OI," he began, gassy burps punctuating his speech as was his custom. "We are really a more basic offshoot from the Duckett-Frick method than you OIs are. Who, seeing the patient squat to the floor during a vigorous 'I HATE,' has not been reminded of the defecatory process? Even the expression 'SPILLING YOUR GUTS' has obvious parallels with the process of elimination. Indeed, the very word elimination summarizes the aims of current therapy. We seek to eliminate the past angers and fears, we seek to eliminate the current frustrations and depressions, so that the pure force of life can come through. What could more fittingly represent the pure force of life than that stream of precisely controlled input: the polypropylene carrots fused with the proper amount of vitamins and minerals; the pseudo-steaks, manufactured from the purest carbon, hydrogen and oxygen in the most sterile of plants; the sea-milk, that amazing amalgam of water and algae which is certainly far more beneficial and tasty than that bland, difficult to obtain, easily-spoiled commodity which used to be called milk. That input then courses through our most important possession, our body, undergoes processes controlled by all our myriad glands, secretions, and fluids, and then leaves us during those beautiful operations called shitting and pissing."
     Dr. Spray paused to allow some of the whispered conversations to come to a halt.
     "How better to evaluate the total working of the human individual? This is the area, so rich in symbolism, which was the last touched in the eternal quest for knowledge. How sad that it would take so long to brings the world to realize that the turd is truly the center of the universe.
     "Let me explain briefly our method. If you wish to get a reading on your total human individuality, notify SHID. SHID will send you a Direct Investigation of Emesis Toolkit package, which you are to ingest in place of your regular menu for a period of one month. The contents of your DIET are determined by a questionnaire you've completed, giving your age, weight, bone structure, energy requirements, and other factors. We at SHID carry ever before us the image of the Ideal Turd, or IT, which is the true end-all of each individual.
     "At the end of the month, during a ceremony which is thrilling in its simplicity and beauty, you come to SHID and, with your family and friends looking on with approval, deposit your turd to be analyzed by SHID. The beauty of such a process is obvious: nonverbal it certainly is, and the influence of the parents or peer groups is minimized in this type of action. You have never been taught how to shit, you have always shit---it just comes natural. But each individual shits differently. Your movements are different, your turds are different, and that QUALITY of differentness is the indication of your entire wellbeing. Again, always holding IT in mind, we check for perversions, discrepancies, lacks, excesses, and discolorations in that speciman, and at the end of our exhaustive analysis we know exactly what in you it is which does not live up to IT."
     Dr. Spray interrupted his monologue while his attendants took note of his facial coloration during the passage of a particularly difficult stool.
     "We must also keep in mind that IT is truly rare. My last turd is the product of my current state of mind: I must admit to a slight nervousness in speaking before you, thus my eating habits changed during my last meal, and that turd---," he used the word as lovingly as a priest would talk about the soul---indeed the concepts had many parallels, ?---that turd shows digression from the ideal in a certain way. Study of that turd will indicate WHY I am afraid, and what I must do to avoid that fear in the future. Why, in the not too distant past I was actually afraid to shit during a speech!"
     He waited for the expressions of amazement to exhaust themselves and heard the approving farts of his followers.
     "But even in me you can see one of the sterling products of SHID. Now certainly it is an anxiety-causing request to defecate before your friends and loved ones. But doesn't this follow the parallel of all therapy? At first it was difficult to speak about your troubles with one person. When that became too easy for common analysis to be effective---when you could very easily admit what was wrong with you and what your inmost secrets were---another degree of anxiety had to be added: you would reveal these secrets, not before one person professionally trained to accept your secrets, but before a peer group which had as little training as you yourself had, and you had to face the shock, the laughter, the scorn, the acceptance, the love from this peer group. In time, even this device for anxiety was easily overcome, and so the Duckett-Frick method of total verbal embarrassment was developed: a woman had to stand before a group of strange men and say, perfectly sincerely, "I have a beautiful cunt." But, in the course of years, even this became traditional, and to heighten the anxiety---since by now almost everyone would agree she had a beautiful cunt---she would have to report, "I have a beautiful asshole."
     "This, for obvious reasons, is more difficult, since it has very little to do with ordinary sex, and it takes a far higher degree of self-regard to admit that even your ASSHOLE is beautiful. It is passing judgement on what you eat, on how you process that food in your total body, and what you think of the orifice that produces your shit.
     "My breakthrough, if I may call it that, was that it would be far more productive for you to produce a turd, there, in front of the group, in a beautiful way, and to show THAT to the group, and say, ?I have a beautiful turd.? You can realize that it's perfectly easy to love a person, relatively easy to love their cock or cunt, more difficult, thus more valuable, to love their asshole, and naturally it would be best of all if you could love their shit!"
     Dr. Spray waited for the buzz of appreciation to well up toward the podium. He knew that the essential TRUTH of his theories was irrevocable; the only reaction to his theory could be appreciation.
     "In how many ways is this shit-offering encountered in the world. Consider the baby in his crib. He shits from the first, unconcerned with how he does it---the most natural thing in the world. When some sort of values begin forming, he looks at these products of his body as treasures, so he keeps them in, has pleasure when he pushes them out, looks at them, tastes them, smells them, and puts them onto the wall in pleasing designs. He again has an innate recognition of IT, the Ideal Turd; he knows when his shit is too soft: it escapes from his diaper and spreads too amorphously. If his turds are too hard and intractable, the delicacy of potential design is lost. But if the turds are pleasingly long (I won't go into the phallic content of shit at this time), of good consistency, of a striking odor and just the right color, the artistic soul of the child feels this rightness and makes designs of surpassing quality.
     "Consider the mental patient. Here the society's influences have been removed, and again the patient is free to shit as he wishes, and to do as he wants with it. What pretty projectiles! What toys for games of all sorts! How tasty they are! What lovely gifts to the helpful doctors and nurses! Part of the joy of the mental patient is his joy with being reunited with his shit.
     "Religions have an entry here, too. The Catholic idea of 'Take and eat for this is my body' is difficult to believe when the celebrant ingests only bread, or bread and wine in liberated societies. However, the turd IS, most essentially, the body AND the blood and the PROCESS of BEING which is the person.?
     "Why not eat the turd?" The question was shot out of the audience.
     "Unfortunately, there are extremists in every group," replied Dr. Spray with an expression of disgust on his face. "Certainly we have now reached the limit of therapeutic devices---there is simply no NEED to go any further. Try to tell a person who has gone through intensive Investigation of Defecation---a person invests a lot in getting his ID---that there is a better way of doing it. You'll be sure to meet with resistance, as every new idea is met with resistance, I must admit---"
     He quickly quelled the retort rising from the floor. "But it is now OBVIOUS that we're intelligent enough to realize we DO have the best possible method, and there is simply no NEED to come up with new therapies.
     "As a final elaboration of the importance of the turd, I may remind you that defecation occurs at the moment of death. What better way to establish the framework of the person just at the point of death than by investigating those terminal turds?"
     Again an interruption from the floor: "Here again, eating the turds is a sacramental way of incorporating the final product of a great individual."
     "If you please, sir,? said Dr. Spray, "your topic of conversation is most disgusting. Certainly there is nothing wrong with a turd PER SE, but this constant reference to INGESTING the fecal matter has never been an acceptable topic of conversation, and it never WILL be. Now I shall return to my discussion of shit, before I was so coarsely interrupted---"