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Lesson Five
January 10, 1979

The COSMIC FATHER DOME AND POWER RAY form the elements of concentration as CENTER THREE is infused with the Soul Light and all the centers are aligned up the Vertical Frequency Axis, which is a branch from the Diamond Continuity Axis which contains ALL the power rays, but we concentrate on the action of the Cosmic Father Power Ray to firmly earthe soul-light in Center 3.

1. Form FPH and move it up to Center 3, lighting the Golden Dome down around you and lighting the Cosmic Father Power Ray in Centers 2 through 9.

2. Move up the VFA with all power rays going, particularly the Cosmic Father, and move into Center 3 Matrix, or Human, and then up through Center 3 in the Perceptual Body, the Emotional Body, the Mental Body, and up to Soul.

3. Bask in the Pale Gold Soul Light and send a brilliant shaft down to pierce the Vertical Veils that block the Vertical Frequency Axis between the Soul Level and the Mental Level. Experience the joy of the Souls at this level at the work being done.

4. Move FPH down to Center 3 in the Mental Body and light the Network with the radiance of your Cosmic Father Power Ray, giving over the energy you bring to the Planetary Hierarchy for their uses in enlightening the global network on the Mental level, bringing people together more on this purely intellectual level for greater understanding and appreciation.

5. Bring a golden shaft of Soul Light into the veils separating the Mental Body from the Emotional Body, and then continue down to the Emotional Body, Center 3, and light up the Emotional Network around the planet, and, as on the Mental Level, experience the joyous EMBRACE of this level, the joy of your bringing energy to this level for planetary enlightenment.

6. Continue to illuminate the veils between higher levels through Being, and expand down the Vertical Frequency Axis to the vertical veils that separate the Emotional Body from the Perceptual Body, and down to the Perceptual Body, Center 3, for lighting that network and enjoying the fruits of that sensual, perceptual, contactual embrace throughout.

7. Repeat the process between the Perceptual and Human Bodies, and all the Field will be filled with Soul Light, and then to the Human network, and then to the veils between the Human Body and Creature Body, and firmly anchor the branch in Center 3 of the earth elements.

8. Align the succession of Centers 3: Creature, Human, Perceptual, Emotional, Mental, and Soul, and feel the stability and Presence that results.

9. Move into the Magnetic, release external Dynamics, and harmonize with the Radiant Dynamic of the Being of Light that you are; and move into the Dynamic, release it from external Magnetics, and harmonize with the Radiant Magnetic of the Being of Light, and balance the two poles.

10. With the networks lighted at all levels, you now stand a great Fishermen of Men, with a network to lift up and enlighten fellow men who need such a service from someone who has a freer access to the light than they may have, to assist in the work started by the lightworkers throughout the ages, to continue the work into Time-Space and make it easier to advance the work around the planet, which has now been perceptibly lightened by the efforts of just this small group, working AS a group, and sending their light and love and energy out for the Planetary Hierarchy to use in the advancement of the planet and mankind along their Earth-Path of Service, of which we are beginning to support with our efforts here now.


Lesson 6
January 17, 1979

The SENSORY-MENTAL LIFEBELT is repeated again this week for the COSMIC FATHER, since the Emotional Lifebelt had been done in First Advanced. As always, the introduction to the first lifebelt means that both can now be practiced in the sessions, particularly now, as there are two weeks between.

1. Form TPH and move it to Center 8, lighting the Cosmic Father Power Ray in Centers 2-9 and lighting the Golden Dome and expanding it as much as you wish, though probably keeping the top of it in Center 3.

2. Move to the left to the Assimilative panel of the Splenic Plexus, after releasing External Dynamics and harmonizing the Magnetic. If constant assimilation is going on of low frequency through a too-sensitive and too-embracing magnetic, it amounts to a psychical overload similar to constipation, in that overmuch is taken in compared with outflow. But concentrate here with Effortless Effort to lift up the Magnetic Panel to raise the frequency of input to your Creation.

3. Expand TPH into the right and the Eliminative panel of the Liver Plexus. Release your scattered Dynamic from External Magnetics and harmonize the Dynamic for greater effectiveness. Blaze up the Fire Breath and burn up all low-frequency charges that are up to be processed, and just sweep them out through the elimination panels, opening them wider and wider. There's no reason to feel burdened with this material when Identity can be withdrawn and the images consigned to the Consuming Fires of the Dragon Breath.

4. Expand and flow with TPH into the Solar Plexus and expand outward along the Relationship Lines through all five kingdoms and out to the rim of the field. Intensify the Fire Breath and burn up all obstructions.

5. As before, move into the Left Lung, Right Lung, and the Bronchial System, letting Presence take over the processing that you've ceased to focus on.

6. Then move into Center 4 and, after harmonizing and working with the very Brain itself, only then move into the Visual, Auditory, Olfactory, Gustatory, and Tactile centers and organs, again going through all Five Kingdoms for a complete processing of obstructions ready for release.

7. Expand throughout the Brain again, and then in the usual way to the Pituitary, the Pineal, and the Hypothalamus, and then move down to Center 7 to expand into the Emotional systems, into Center 8 to touch in again to the Sensory-Mental center, and then sense your own heightened sense of enlightenment and processing.

8. Finally, and the Yoke is kept for last purposely, because this is the seat of the strongest mass-mind images of the burden of man: death and suffering, and being the strongest, it is better to wait until the rest of the body, all five kingdoms, have been uplifted and purified before tackling the last remaining ingrained images: that death is to be feared and dissolution only awaits after death. Remember that the Immortal that you are will continue after your Creation dies, but that doesn't mean that the Creation is in any way inferior to the Creator: the Creator needs the Creation to exist in the world as it is in Time-Space, and the Creation needs the Creator to lift it out of low frequencies when the burdens become too heavy. Savor and enjoy this unique relationship.

9. Finally, harmonize the Magnetic with the Radiant Dynamic, and the Dynamic with the Radiant Magnetic, and touch into the Brain for a three-point landing in Brain-Mind, hands, and feet.


Lesson 7
January 31, 1979

CENTER 4, with the WISDOM POWER RAY dominating all; other Power Rays in the Diamond Continuity Axis, is the center of concentration in this establishment of a branch between Center 4 and Soul, with Soul Light infusing all the Center 4's along the Vertical Frequency Axis aligned along that center.

1. Form FPH and move it to Center 4, then light the DCA with all the Power Rays, Wisdom predominating, and move quickly up through Matrix-Human, Perceptual, Emotional, Mental, and into Soul, where you are greeted with great joy by other Souls, and then send a great SHAFT of Golden Soul Light down the lighted branch, which you anchored at each center as you moved up toward Soul, letting it earthe in the earth-elements of Center 4 of Creature Body, the Third Kingdom, and letting it move down the VFA through the Second Kingdom, the organs and the Animal Kingdom and Plant Kingdom, and down through the First Kingdom, the cells and Inanimate Matter. Feel the joy of all your Creation as you reach this step.

2. Then move down to the Mental Center 4, blazing up the Soul Light to burn up the veils between the unobstructed Soul level and the veiled Mental level, and appreciate the facets of Wisdom: the APPROPRIATENESS of Wisdom, so that you not only say what is right but know WHEN and TO WHOM and for WHAT REASON to say it. The UNDERSTANDING of Love and the Love of Understanding, so that you can look at things not from one fixed viewpoint but from many shifting moment-by-moment viewpoints, appreciating the Beauty of Truth and the Truth of Beauty, which happens from second to second in Time-Space, which is eternal at the Immortal level.

3. As you encounter obstructions, consign them to the flames; but not in anger: look at them and love them: they were created to bring you to this point, so that you could understand what you do now; if they had not existed you would have not gotten here in this way. So blaze up the consuming fires with love, and burn up the images to get the actual essence of what each of us are every moment of our beingness. Remember that your Creation, your Human and Creature-Body, was also created by the Immortal God-Child that you are so that you can work through the lessons that all Immortals have set for themselves, working to make the earth itself a fitting place to live in.

4. At each level, embrace the others who are there with you: in the networks at the Mental, the Emotional, the Perceptual, and at the Human-Creature-Body levels, and after filling your OWN center full of the Soul Light at each level, let it expand out into the Networks on the Planetary level, giving the energy over to the Planetary Hierarchy, who receive it with great joy to their own uses for Planetary benefit.

5. Understand the multi-dimensional utility of Wisdom, coming into greater and greater contact with the Teacher-Knower within. You don't have to verify what you "see" with outside: use the Wisdom Light on it and see if it stands the test or fades away as the image it might be. You have to get it from within yourself: external verification may itself only be a trick: you have to learn to trust your own Teacher-Knower within.

6. Coming down from the higher-frequency levels, let the Immortal One that You Are finish the work that's needed. If there are obstructions, they will be processed. Be sure to assimilate the great essence, knowing that these are now places to which you can come in consciousness when you want a refuge from the world which may be too much with us, and as you more and more practice the sessions, you will increase in sensory and emotional and mental awareness and experience and understanding of this process of the infusion of Soul Light into each Center in turn.


Lesson 8
February 7, 1979

The PERSONALITY RECOGNITION is the new series of sessions, so the rest of the centers will be handled FIRST with soul-light infusion, SECOND with the Personality Harmonization, THIRD with the lifebelt. The PERSONALITY is comprised of all Creation below Soul-level, including co-pilot, so this will help us more firmly earthe the soul-light into our Personalities.

1. Form TPH and move it into Center 4. Light the DCA and the branch from Center 4, and move up the Frequency Axis to Soul for a few moments, and then move down to Mental Body Center 4. Open the portals of the center and direct the Soul-light in 6 directions: up, down, front, back, and left and right, filling the Center with Soul-light.

2. Let Incarnating Ego turn to the right and embrace the Dynamic, Functional side of the Mental Nature, calming and soothing since the Mental might have the image that IMAGES ARE ALL THERE ARE TO IT, which isn't the case, and blaze up the Consuming Fires and process all the images that are up to be processed, clearing the Mental Dynamic with the embracing Incarnating Ego Magnetic and Dynamic.

3. Then move into Mental Dynamic with co-pilot, not thinking of it as something which is YOURS but as something which is YOU, part of your very own personality, something to be encountered in a more lighted way.

4. Repeat the process on the Mental Magnetic, Structural side, moving in first with Incarnating Ego to sooth and consume, then with co-pilot to accept, harmonize with, and enlighten. Then expand to consider the entire Mental Body and harmonize spherically: upper and lower hemispheres, right and left hemispheres, front and back hemispheres.

4. Once again blaze the soul-light through the 6 directions, and then move down to the Emotional level, to repeat the steps above: moving into the Dynamic first with Incarnating Ego and then co-pilot, and then into Magnetic with incarnating Ego and co-pilot, opening the portals and beaming out soul-light both before and after the process.

6. Also, during the work at each level, light the networks around the planet and turn your energy over to Planetary Hierarchy who accepts it joyfully for the benefit and enlightenment of the entire planet.

7. Repeat the process at the Perceptual level, and then at the Field level, not going below this level except possibly to send down the shaft of golden Soul Light into the Human and Matrix Body, the Creature Body, and down into the Organs and Cells to infuse the Soul-Light totally throughout the Kingdoms Five through One which comprise your Personality, which is now yours to process with and purify throughout the rest of Second Advanced.

8. With the advancing enlightenment of Personality, you will become a more powerful Fishermen of Men, moving more capably along the networks at all levels to uplift the planet and all on it to a more enlightened structure and functioning on all levels, according to Actual Design, and not according to the veils and images of Mass-Mind, which fetters our powers and veils our energies so that we think that things are hopeless, full of evil and death, when according to Actual Design they are creations of love and light, helping each to another with lighted hands and hearts to the benefit of all Mankind.


Lesson 9
February 14, 1979

The EMOTIONAL LIFEBELT is done with the FULL PERSONALITY HIERARCHY and the WISDOM LIGHT to show the organs and the body how emotions can be infused with WISDOM to produce more KNOWING in EMOTIONS and more EMOTIONS in KNOWING. Second Advanced will follow this pattern for the rest of the centers.

1. Form FPH and move it to Center 7, turning on the Wisdom Sun and expanding it throughout the Field, and turning on the Wisdom Power Ray in Centers 2-9. Feel the expanded awareness made possible by having all Five Kingdoms now incorporated into Full Personality Hierarchy: the Fifth Kingdom Field, the Fourth Kingdom Human, the Third Kingdom Creature-Body, the Second Kingdom Organs, and the First Kingdom Cells.

2. Move Hierarchy to the left into the Heart and Spleen in their turns, and then into the Splenic Plexus, opening this great assimilative panel fully to let Wisdom flow into the Creation. If this panel isn't opened, the essential assimilation of Wisdom can't take place and the creation literally starves for want of the sustenance of Wisdom.

3. Then move across to the Liver Plexus and open it fully as widely as the Splenic Plexus, letting this great Eliminative Panel perform its function to the greatest extent possible, clearing the Creation of low frequency and opening up the space for future advancement. Nothing can be added to a full container, so this helps to empty out some of the old to make room for the new.

4. Continue through the Emotional Lifebelt pattern into the Liver, Gallbladder, Pancreas, Adrenals, Kidneys, Ureters, Bladder, and Urethra, and then light and breathe the Breath of Life, putting your tongue into the correct position, and fill the mouth and swallow to treat the Digestive System to the Consuming Fires of the Wisdom Light.

5. Then concentrate in the Pelvic Bowl, moving the Processing Center down to the sexual organs and moving throughout them (giving no details since the audience is a mixed one, not leaving very much time, either).

6. Then move into the organizational center of the yoke, releasing all the low frequencies that have come up to be eliminated, and then carry this heightened lightness down to Center 7 again, and then harmonize the Creature Magnetic with the Radiant Dynamic of the Being of Light that you are, and then let the Dynamic harmonize with the Radiant Magnetic of the Immortal, and balance these two great poles of the creation with the Immortal one that you are.

7. Both lifebelts can be used through the two weeks before you, and you can even go back if you want and return to Soul Level and infuse more Soul Light with the focus on the Wisdom Power Ray of the lighted branch that goes from the Center 4 to the Soul Level, even though the entire DCA is lit up with every power ray we have when this operation is done in practice.

8. Two shorter sessions in a day are fine, and the teachers often finding that 7-8 times a day, just 5-10 minutes each, is a good way for them to process that which comes up in their day. It's possible to overload, but usually the lack would be in doing too little rather than doing too much. 80-90 minutes per day doesn't seem like too much, and it's nice to choose the energy in which you'll sleep while your body goes to higher classes on the inner to the benefit of the Inner AND Outer creations that comprise your Personality.


Lesson 10
February 28, 1979

CENTER 5 is infused with SOUL-LIGHT to expand awareness and practice of OBJECTIVE CREATIVITY in all dimensions at all levels and in Time-Space.

1. Form TPH and move it to Center 5, lighting the Diamond Continuity Axis, with slight emphasis on the Emerald Green Power Ray of the Objective Creative energy, and then move up the Vertical Frequency Axis, where in the session the branch was lighted and anchored as we went up, blazing through the veils which separated each body, through the Matrix or Human level, through the Perceptual Body, through the Emotional Body, through the even larger Mental Body, until you reach the unobstructed Soul level, and a great SHAFT of Soul Light moves down and earthes in your Center 5.

2. Then move down to Center 5, Mental Body, and with a great shaft of light move throughout this center at this level, and light the Networks and give them over to Planetary Hierarchy who can use them wisely to light the paths of many in the Mental Body Around the Planet. Align the Mental Body with the Soul level at this point, so that the beam passes in the most direct manner from the Soul level down through all intermediate frequency levels.

3. Continue to move down to Center 5, Emotional Level, and feel the harmonization of Emotional reactions and Objective Creative activities on this level, feeling it burn up all the pre-activated images that the mass-mind has constructed, but loving the images which permitted you to reach this point, and lovingly, gently, conduct them into the Burning-Ground Fires and consume them completely after withdrawing Identity from them. Do it with love because they have been such a part of you, but now feel the uplift that comes from the processing and release of Essence from these images.

4. Repeat the process in Center 5, Perceptual Level, and, as in the Mental Level, align this center with the centers, already aligned, above it.

5. Repeat the process in Center 5, Matrix and Creature-Body Level, moving out again along the networks and turn them over to Planetary Hierarchy which receives them with joy and uses them to lighten the rest of mankind, helping you on your path to become Fishermen of Men, helping those less fortunate than you, assisting those ahead of you on the path.

6. Feel the increasing sense of spaciousness in each of the levels, growing greater in size as you ascend the Vertical Frequency Axis, and feel in all levels the consuming fires of the Objective Creative energy, consuming the images appropriate to this level that have been holding us into the Mass-Mind concepts that are not true to the actual design of Godchildren that we are.

7. At the beginning of the gathering, be sure to release all external dynamics and harmonize your creation's magnetic, and to release your dynamic from external magnetics and harmonize those, and at the end harmonize these aspects of the creation with the opposite polarity of the Being of Light that you are, feeling the two-way flow of love and gratitude which becomes stronger and stronger, more and more important to assist you in earthing these energies and releases as you merit them on your Earth-Path of service, both at the higher dimensions and in real Time-Space.


Lesson 11
March 7, 1979

PERSONALITY RECOGNITION is done based on CENTER 5, realizing that this is the core of the processing for this part of Second Advanced, so this process needn't feel that it's FINISHED, but that it's GOING ALONG satisfactorily.

1. Form TPH, move it to center 5, light the DCA and the VFA and move up to Soul to get a great infusion of Soul-Light to bring down to Earth-Path.

2. Move down to Mental, light the Mental network on the Planet, fill Center 5 Mental body with Soul light and then the entire mental body, and then let Incarnating Ego turn its Radiant Magnetic and Dynamic Lovingly to Mental Body Dynamic, harmonizing, processing whatever mass-mind images have been activated, freeing it from low frequency and increasing high frequency. Then move in with Copilot and harmonize with the Mental Body Dynamic, experiencing that you ARE the Mental Body, not that you HAVE a Mental Body.

3. Request that Incarnating Ego turn to Mental Body Magnetic and repeat the harmonization, consuming lovingly the images that have served you to this point and have now served their purpose and can be consigned to the fires. Repeat with Copilot as above, then follow the double recognition with the harmonization of the Mental Body Magnetic and Dynamic, and with the harmonization of the upper hemisphere with the lower, the right with the left, the front with the back.

4. Move down to Emotional and repeat the previous two steps, finally making sure that the Emotional Center 5 is aligned with the Mental Center 5.

5. Move down to Perceptual and repeat the harmonizing and alignment processes, clearing up mass-mind images on those levels.

6. Move down to Human and Creature Body, light the Human Network and then the Creature-Body Network, and harmonize Incarnating Ego and Copilot in turn with these two levels, and harmonize the upper and lower hemispheres of the FIELD, as well as the right and left, the front and back.

7. Then harmonize all Five Kingdoms, all levels, all bodies of the Dynamic with the Radiant Magnetic, and all levels and bodies of the Magnetic with the Radiant Dynamic, and then harmonize them with each other.

8. If at the end of this process it still feels as if there are residual activations and low frequencies, light the Emerald Green Sun and expand it throughout the field, blazing up the Consuming Fire aspect to burn through the last vestiges of the low frequencies that have been brought up to be consumed at this time.

9. The Personality is YOU, the Personality Bodies that you are gradually becoming more and more familiar with are YOU, not some distant part of you. These bodies actually exist in time-space, and your function now is to more finely attune your awareness of these bodies, so that you can become more harmonized with your multi-dimensional, multi-level creation, harmonizing each aspect of your creation more and more fully with the Incarnating Ego which is your personal contact with the Immortal, with the God-child that we all are, strengthening this earthing with the continued infusion of Soul-Light from the first unobstructed level of our creation, so that with practice the time-space creation will share the enlightenment and freedom in consciousness of your Creator, the Being of Light itself.


Lesson 12
March 14, 1979

The EMOTIONAL LIFEBELT is introduced with the OBJECTIVE CREATIVE ENERGY, and the images that are set up for this session are processed.

1. Form FPH and move it to Center 7, moving into the Magnetic on all 5 levels and releasing external Dynamics and harmonizing the Magnetic, and then moving into the Dynamic on all 5 levels and releasing any scattered Dynamics from external Magnetics and harmonizing them.

2. Then move to the left into the heart, then the Spleen, then into the Splenic Plexus, opening the panel and letting the energies flow through.

3. Move to the right into the Liver Plexus, opening that corresponding panel, and feeling the effects of the pass-through of energy to the limits of the Field. Then move into the Gallbladder and harmonize four very important organs: the Gallbladder and Liver on the right and the Heart and Spleen on the left.

4. Continue down into the Pancreas, the Adrenals, the Ureters, the Bladder, and through the Urethra, and then center Hierarchy in the Stomach for the work in the Digestive System, going up to the mouth and letting the Objective Creative energy flow throughout all the structures in the mouth: the teeth, tongue, salivary glands, lips, taste buds, and then swallow the blazing consuming fire which had been going throughout with the Fire Breath and let it flow down into the Stomach, the Duodenum, the Small Intestine, the Large Intestine, the Sigmoid Colon and to the Rectum and Anus, feeling the continuous flow of energy throughout the entire Digestive System.

5. Then move Hierarchy from the Stomach down into the center of the Pelvic Bowl for the movement through the Reproductive System, going into the structures and functions with thoroughness and meticulousness.

6. Then rise up with Hierarchy into Center 5 and move back to the organizing center for the Yoke, which with repeated working will clarify in color from the rusty sea-green of an unenlightened Yoke to the clear pale green of the Yoke. The Yoke is always done last because it has hooks reaching up and down into many of the other organs, so these organs are cleared first before working to clear out the obstructions in the very important Yoke. Feel the lightness imparted by this work, and then move back to the CVA and down into Center 7 again to expand the Objective Creative Sun throughout the Creation, feeling the solidification of the Emerald Green Throne of God, for that's what this energy is, and that's what YOU are, God, the Being of Light, if you'd only recognize it, but since you can't you have to work through Co-Pilot until the Creation is purified enough to be able to take the next step toward recognition of yourself as the Being of Light, God, capable of doing all things.

7. Work should be continued through the two following weeks with Objective Creative in both lifebelts, though work in earthing the Soul-Light in Center 5 can be continued too, and surgeries and male pelvic sessions will continue to bring up lessons that should be earthed for us on the Earth-Path of service.

8. At the end of the session move into the Dynamic, all 5 levels, and harmonize that with the Magnetic of the Being of Light, and the opposite on the Magnetic, harmonizing with the Dynamic of the Being of Light that you are.


Soul-infusion of center 6 last night, I had a NOTHING experience that I managed to build up into "fogginess, processing, starting with flashes that this might be great, ending with dealing with separatism and worthlessness." Winston says I have to come up with a BETTER report, I get pissed, Barbara swings to my rescue, saying "Fog is fog," and then Alice says that it should be a report of CONSCIOUSNESS, so I say that I know NOW that I came a lot uphill SINCE the session to the REPORT, and know that I should be quite a bit more objective about the WHOLE experience---maybe I WAS wallowing in images and low frequency to give such a downer, though I'm again impressed that what I think is NORMAL THEY think is low frequency. Can't be ALL them out there wrong, and I hope that the ABUNDANCE that seems to be a feature of Higher Will (as opposed to lack or poverty) comes through with RESULTS. Michael said Dorothy "sent" muffins, and Barbara mentioned my birthday, and I "took" them from Michael saying they WERE for my birthday, and Marilyn and I talked about Sheik Mussafer, Atarah said she'd probably be going to a seder next week, and I felt that I had lots of work to do, but like Atarah, the OUTSIDE world was proving that I WAS getting stuff from this. But sadly I just DON'T have time for practice the next day, of EITHER kind, at ALL!

4/3/79 URINARY SURGERY goes VERY well after she gives me practical information for dealing with Rolf (but he NEVER answers PHONE), and we chat about difference between JUDGMENTALISM (going at it from right/wrong, good/bad) and judgment (going from better/worse, more effective/less effective), and I feel quite a bit lighter after it finishes. I weep when I hear chorus of people advising me "Don't be so HARD on yourself" and she DOESN'T join that chorus. Talk about time wasting and irritability about it, and said that I'd wanted something OTHER than a surgery, noted "Identity Freeing" on the chart and wanted THAT, and then found from Suzanne Hobermann that that's the NEW name for "Surgery in Consciousness," which Alice changes on my sheet. Fast-seeming session and I don't have to worry about reporting, since she talks so much.

4/3/79 BODYWORK FROM SUSAN O-V lets me feel how JAMMED UP my body feels: lots of loads down spine, neck feels IMPOSSIBLY tight, hips sore, and though she gasps and burps slightly and muddles through motions, I feel that my BODY feels much less together. Mary Lou Claremont calls, by coincidence, and I say I'm VERY busy (had THOUGHT of taking my name OFF list, but didn't, but I DO want them to call for O-V!) but schedule for next week. Susan IS cute, drinking Dennis's old coffee, liking my new extension cord, being supportive.

4/4/79 CLASS: 2-14: Personality recognition seemed clearer: the format of going into the Mental (or Emotional or Perceptual) Body AND FIELD seems to make the FINAL step of going into the Time-Space Body and Field for the Matrix/Human and Creature Body levels more reasonable. Winston talks about "streamlining his talk" so that we can EXPERIENCE more, but he seems to talk as much as ever, though we ARE through at 9:30, rather than closer to 10. I admit to being "on the spot" with my report, saying I kept my eyes open and closing like last time to be objective AND subjective, as Elliott reported, but I said I'd forgotten about my outside trauma (Rolf), which was nice, followed the directions, didn't say ANYTHING about recognizing the personality, but Winston said "Great" and Alice said "Everyone's taken a step forward," and I felt BETTER, but couldn't exactly tell WHY. Michael's patting me on the back saying he LOVED my report seemed silly to me, but I blushed and said "Thank you," and Dorothy was back, hadn't called me, and didn't volunteer ANYTHING about body sessions, so I'll take it out on Amy and Susan. But since the surgery Tuesday I DO feel better, though LOTS of it is NOT having the "obligation" of the voice-singing practice hanging over me.

4/10 NHS on Amy: I felt out of it but SHE felt marvelous when it was over, saying I was VERY accurate and she REALLY needed it, so I let it go at that.

4/11 NHS by Amy: SHE felt out of it, but I felt obliged to say I felt better, and in fact when she was finished with a side, I said "You can SEE the difference" and she droned on "Check in and tell me MORE of the difference." But I felt relaxed from it, though I might resent having to say it: and what DO people do with their body if they don't have anything like this to iron them out?

4/11 class: 2-15 Sensory-mental lifebelt with Higher Will: and the crux came when Winston said "The opposite of uptight" and I thought "Downloose?" But I'm UP when I'm NOT uptight, so UPTIGHT isn't right, it should be DOWNTIGHT, and then the opposite would be UPLOOSE, which sounds GREAT, and I shared that and everyone seemed to be in a laughing mood, part of the good humor of Good Will, and both teachers said we should GET into the ill-will and GET rid of it, this is not the time to bury it, or pretend it isn't there, and I felt mostly ill-will toward myself, Barbara had a marvelous fit of anger that broke us all up when she said "Know what it was? Ill will!" "Images!" I felt somewhat better, felt that I didn't HAVE to get the indexes in on time, and that I wouldn't worry about it TONIGHT, but ENJOY Dennis and his cooking and company. DID!

4/14: O-V intro: Linda waits until about 4:20 for latecomers, but Barbara thought it was 4:30 and still didn't show. Don, who MUST have worried about being gay, is VERY much there with his wife of a different name, and there are mostly women except for me and Ken, Barry (who could be CUTE if he weren't so SINCERE, but he works in a nursing home, so I guess that accounts for his bedside shyness) and Michael (who STILL looks like he's hassling everything). Linda has to say she has no vibrators, will phone those who might be willing to sell used ones, and so we have to wait for our special appointments, and when I ask if I can't borrow one from someone, she says it probably wouldn't work and calls me an "Eager Beaver." I'm flattered that I sit on ONE side and Ken sits beside and Amy sits beside, and then all the rest of the JUNIORS are over on the other side of the room. Amy asks lots of questions about Aviva, Linda has to pass lots of questions on to teachers, and Tomasina still irritates me with her "knowledge" and how "everyone just wants to flock around her dripping with love." Mary Lou is younger than her gray-hairedness would imply, there's another actressy looking one, and Pat Giambalvo is plump. I get onto the table and wonder if she's talking about me when she says "Well, we'll leave the door open for air," and she rubs me down, brushes me down after showing some motions with the vibrator, and then encourages everyone to try one swipe of a brushdown, and WHAT a variety: hot rough hands, cool slender hands, palm-flat paws and finger-tip almost-tickle, some insisting on doing it twice from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet, some only going down one leg, and I would have loved to know who was who! Ken didn't say anything about my "appearance" on the table, and I was just as happy that Linda didn't ask me to turn over. I SHOULD have said "Thank you" but I didn't, though when it was over I DID feel pleasantly "chosen." Linda went over the instructions, making Amy and me feel special since we were getting the new regulations from the upcoming April 29 meeting, saying we wouldn't have to show up, and there seems to be a FASTER raise for those IN center, but only a TOP of $7.50 OUT of center "except for special exceptions," which almost implied that the teachers had to come to the HOUSE. Amy said someone had been messy and they stressed the professionalism of it, and kept talking about "body sheets" but I'm assuming they're not a REQUIREMENT. And I have a separate ROOM, too, but they emphasized the half-hour's working BEFOREhand, which I hardly ever do, and the preference of no-talking, professional only---but that's part of the reason people COME, to see what the other students outside their class are LIKE. Nice emphasis on the NOT DONE TO AND FOR someone, but that it's a cooperative event for BOTH people, which is nice. Glad I had a T&R since 1/1 (even if it WAS 1/3), but since I can't get a raise ANYWAY, it doesn't make any difference. But I bet Joan Ann stays on the top with somewhat over $10 for HER out-of-center session. Linda said they hoped to have MANY people advancing "toward staff" through the "healing that teaches" as well as through the teaching that heals," but I thought the TONE of the letter ("tuning in to Planetary Hierarchy") was a bit fringy, though Amy didn't think so, so I may go just to hear the REACTIONS in two Sundays. But I'll be pleased to get---JUST checked that the 50-hour level is now $10 IN CENTER (and you can get to $7.50 at 35 hours!), so maybe I WOULD be able to get a raise, if they see what a nice place I have. Have to ask!

4/23: Do Bruce: he says HE hasn't had a body session for about 12 days, which is my record, and he says he really wants one, and he wants to do it in Regenerative, so I get working and find that I can put my own activations out of the way rather effectively, and he seems to doze through much of the session because he's almost snoring and the spittle is oozing out of his mouth and making a mess of the pillowcase so that I have to change the whole thing. But he says it was great, requests another few minutes at 9:10, and then I talk on the phone and get back to him at 9:40, and he dresses and curls up on the sofa, and finally at 10 he leaves when Dennis arrives for dinner. Again there are great changes in his life, and he's getting after me for not letting go my anger and rage at Rolf. I don't need that at all!

4/24: Testes Identity Freeing with Alice: she was late at 2:50 so we didn't talk much at the start, she just threw Gray's Anatomy at me and I peered at the peepees, and then she got us started and I said NOTHING until she asked me, and I said it was rough not to be self-congratulatory or idealizing: I was GLAD I was gay, had always been promiscuous and people envied my relationships, Dennis was satisfying, I'd gotten over hang-ups about hardons before, though I confessed I hadn't really TESTED it promiscuously so far, and she said that "promiscuous" might be a loaded word, but I said I had no loading on it, and then talked about Mom and how much SHE enjoyed sex, and Alice vouchsafed that women who didn't have children, as she hadn't, kept wondering whether it was "wouldn't or couldn't" and I mentioned the fights between my mother and my aunt about the same thing, but that I'd not liked kids, didn't mind not having them, wouldn't have been patient with them, was glad I was gay, was glad my mother accepted my gayness, made the point that I didn't care for fucking via Mom's "Do you fuck John or does he fuck you?" and we had a NICE chat, and she didn't even bother to condemn me afterwards, but said there was a lot done on the inner and that I should assimilate lots.

4/24: Bruce does me: He says that Susan is living in Elmont, Bill's in the apartment, they seem to be splitting up; Bruce went through lots of hassle with the car allowance because he NOW doesn't want a roommate AT ALL, and he still wants to keep up Actualism surgeries and his apartment alone. I get on the table and he goes too deeply into the spine and I tell him to go lighter, and it's all he can do to prevent himself from saying that I'm wrong, and he does it sort of harshly: light on the up and down, then jamming in the elbow and quickly BEARING down on the muscle alongside the groove, which can be quite painful. Tell him he can go lighter on the pelvis, and his elbow almost touches the table he's so interested in my "hamstrings." He gets me up on time, says that I should confront Rolf, who called during the session and I DID wishy-washy around, mainly because Bruce was here, but he seemed to make the breakthrough I needed: when Andre phoned the next morning and I felt he wanted, unjustly, a piece of almost completed action, I felt that I had to give Rolf a last deadline and chance and THEN consider him FAIRLY out of it, since I'm STILL indebted to him for STARTING the idea, and should capitalize on whatever hardware study he's ALREADY made. And then I went to calls and they announce that Center 7 is about RELATIONSHIP LINES?

4/25: Do Amy: she's peeling from her trip to Nassau, is chilly in the room, says it's "smelly underwatery" and I confess to having just used the fish emulsion fertilizer, and put on the heater low and she shivers a bit, but SHE seems to have such concentrations of ropy substance in her spine that that takes all our concentrations, and she said the session was a great one, never said to go deeper or less deep, and I felt it was concentrated, though I confess to not being thoroughly into the pink that she requested, and then she wanted me and Dennis to go square dancing with her and Dana and Susan, but Dennis is working on his index and can't. We chat about the three of us (Susan, who was jealous of her tan in the Monday meeting; Amy, who'd love to go back for 5-6 days to some of the out islands, where there doesn't have to be gambling for Adam; and me, who's desperate to go ANYWHERE, despite the fact that the LONGEST time I'd have free in May would be may 18-23) going to the Bahamas, SHE wants a couple more minutes to soak up stuff---is there something wrong with my field here?---and then she has to leave, which is good.

4/25: 2-16 class: Winston says that Center 7 deals with Relationship Lines, and that's my motto through the session: RELATIONSHIP LINES? Tell of the coincidence of setting up a meeting this morning for tomorrow with Rolf, setting the lines from the past 7.5 months and for the NEXT 7.5 months; and talks with Mom about coming to town in May. (Though in fact she comes the DAY AFTER we get into the NEW center.) Russell talks about the relationship between the heart and the head, though I don't get a lot of it, and through the session there's lots of physical reactions; I miss the mental body COMPLETELY on the way up, I itch in various places on the way down, my head-front feels stuffed during the Emotional level, my KNEE (left) seems to want to RUN or KICK or MOVE or PUSH through the Perceptual level, and for the first time in a long time I'm surprised at the END of the tape, rather than waiting and waiting for it. Reminded again of the CENTER ALIGNING that's done at the end of each of these sessions: Creature-Body/ Matrix with the Perceptual above that, the Perceptual with the Emotional above that, the Emotional with the Mental above that. Russell draws attention to his slip of the tongue when he says DESCEND from one body to another and forcefully changes it to something less striatal, as MOVE IN CONSCIOUSNESS or MOVE TO THE LOWER FREQUENCY. Beautiful clarity to CHANGING relationship lines from interacting with IMAGES (whether like images where you see and hate your OWN faults in someone else, or dissimilar images where another person's love or good will or coming-toward might evince your hate or fear or moving-from) to acting on interrelationship lines lit with light, rather than dimmed with the darkness of images. Seems to reflect back on Bruce's talk about how FASCINATING things, even old things, look when you look at them AS IF THEY'RE NEW, not something that you "understand" already. Marilyn requests another sun session and Cathy is being just as gross and rude as can be: shuffling through her purse, getting out a WAD of gum and unwrapping it and chewing it cudly, rustling into her shoes, and sending her a look of HATRED. Marilyn tells me about "New Age Alchemy" through Lindisfarne, but they've been disconnected, so I'll have to check the book at Weiser's. Out at 10:15 and I race for the subway, to be hit with a guy who makes me aware of HOW HORNY I AM (see ESSAYS 6), and I'm rather depressed even though I reported that I looked forward in ANTICIPATION to working with lightened relationship lines, an anticipation that built up into an EXCITEMENT for the coming month with people. Winston seemed determined to elicit a "good" report from everyone, even Maureen's "calm confusion" and Marilyn's "new awareness of love for her old images which enabled her to get to this place." Good session for us 9.

4/28: NHS on Barbara Lea: she's cool on the table at first, but it heats up well enough. She says her back is sometimes tetchy, but her neck feels very tendony as does her trapezius, and I go fairly lightly until she says I can go harder, and then down the back she starts wincing so I go lighter until the center of the back when she says I can go heavier. She has a marvelously soft and well maintained body, better built than Susan or Amy or Dorothy from a boyish side, and pretty striped panties on that I comment on, and she says "Next time, graph paper!" She cooperates nicely on the movements, saying it feels good, and then I REALLY get a load from her channel that makes her jump; I say "Sorry" but she says "No, that was good, you got it, it was there." Bear down on the pelvis and she seems to like it, and then she leaves quickly, saying she feels great, and I hug her for Dennis as he'd asked and then for myself and she takes off, saying she loved it. Good!

4/29 body workers meeting. Waiting for more, but there's Pat, Bob, Dorothy Kent, me, Bruce, George, Mary Vilaboa, Bernice, Valda, Marilyn from Bruce's class, Michael Molthen, Mara, Arthur, maybe one other, maybe not, and Linda and Lea alternated reading the stuff and taking comments. I asked if they insisted on BODY sheets particularly, but they said no, only had to be clean, and then I asked about a higher than usual table, and Arthur chimed in to say that HE worked with my table and it was OK, and they said "fine." They said that there were three exceptions: Joan Ann, Michael Molthen, and Elaine Hyams, all at $10, and others should ask. I asked at end of class of Lea, and she said "You just went up to $7.50, didn't you?" so I said "Yes," and she said that they'd be checking on me, knew about me, and I'd have to wait for their response, but maybe in a while. I said I wanted to make sure and she smiled and I smiled and we all smiled. Over at 8, as planned, because there weren't many questions, though Bob took the bull by the horns and asked about socializing, and they rather insisted that it was a NON-verbal session and that talking ripped them off, though we could take a clue from them, who were very WARM and LOVING, but got us out to assimilate in good time, and Alice contributed her piece about a man who smiled and stood and opened the door so there was nothing more to do than leave! Scheduled a body session with Dorothy Kent to make up for me, Amy wasn't there, and neither was Susan, so I couldn't schedule with her. Emphasis on cleanliness and even male use of cosmetics and deodorants, insisting on it. Guess it's good.

5/2: class 2-17: I can't believe I make myself so miserable during the session! Try to concentrate; can't, figure this is silly because nothing's going on; then astonished that I could think nothing was going on when I was so obviously VERY activated, so something was CERTAINLY going on, only I couldn't tell what it was. Try to harmonize and nothing happens. Close my eyes and get sleepy and open my eyes in time to see Winston's feet going onto point as he moves to relieve HIS tensions, and I think maybe the whole thing could be funny. That doesn't work very well. Throughout it all, I can pretty well keep track of what he's saying, clear that the Personality Recognition takes in the networks first, then the IE to the Dynamic, then Co-Pilot to the Dynamic to assimilate the NATURE of this piece of the personality, then the same order on the Magnetic, then IE unites them both with a flood of Enlightened Awareness and then the hemispheres are balanced and then with a flood of soul light we're down to the next level, at each working in both the body and the field of that body, so that when we finish with the Mental Body, the Emotional Body, and the Perceptual Body, there's just one left: the Matrix/Human and Creature Body with ITS field, and then the person is harmonized ON ALL FIVE LEVELS on the Dynamic and then the Magnetic, and then it's harmonized with the Radiant Magnetic and Dynamic, and it feels like an understood and powerful session. At one point Winston mentions the "image needs" of the individual, and that's a marvelously evocative phrase: those things we THINK we need because of the images, which would then vanish if the images were cleared up. And then the physical: I itch, get warm, feel my knees hurting as if I want to run, feel myself "going up the wall" and can even hear the other people moving with my eyes closed and see them squirming about with my eyes open. But I still don't get called on as many do when they nod out, know how to balance between objective and subjective, but I don't like what I find on ANY level, and just want to get OUT of here, want to get AWAY from this, and obviously that's a sign of a productive session. About 1/3 through I think: If I can give a coherent report without BLASTING the whole of Actualism as being sadistic and torturing, it will be a good report. I SAY that at the start of the report, but as usual Winston takes it as a BAD report, though I keep telling him I think of it as a good and ACCURATE one, and even during the brushdowns I actively ELIMINATED so that I said to Maureen afterwards "I hope I didn't burn your hands" with the intensity of my elimination. And it DID pass, so things WERE being done, but DURING the DOING I felt just awful, lousy, worthless, productiveless, and wanting to be OUT of it completely. Winston said "I'm sure the others were suffering too" and I came back as snidely as I knew how "No, I'm QUITE sure I was suffering more than they were," and everyone laughs, but I feel that I want to get out of there quickly and just be AWAY from it all! But at LEAST I could say that my preoccupation with the computer problem WASN'T part of the activation: at least I CONCENTRATE well enough here.

5/4: NSH at Amy's: She called to change to my doing HER, but I said that I had an all-day meeting tomorrow, that I was too much involved with the computer problem, and I hadn't had a session for 10 days. She said she hadn't had one in as long, but I NOW see that she'd had one from ME 9 days ago, so I didn't feel too badly about insisting she do me, and I said I could probably do her on Sunday if she really wanted to. But she said she felt better about doing it when she got into it, and she seemed more and more off in her pattern, except that she said that I was #35, she hoped to be raised to $7.50 (which I didn't think she would be) at her T&R already scheduled for some distant Saturday since Linda had little free time, and I felt she was too hard in some places (like the spine) and too soft in others (like the buttocks) and not far enough down on the trapezius between the neck and shoulder-top, and her spine work seemed determined to PUSH the spine to the side. But it STILL felt that there were releases done, and she did it so quickly that it served well, though she said she could SEE how much I could have benefited from Alexander work, I was so crooked on the table. I felt glad to get it, though I STILL felt rather stuffed with my time schedule.

5/8: Seminal vesicle and prostate surgery with Alice: Funny to look in Grays and find that the seminal vesicle really DOESN'T hold semen, and it really doesn't say WHAT the prostate does, except there are talks of fluids secreted and hormones in balance, and Alice paints some fanciful picture about the dynamic and the magnetic and balance between the two and we get into the session. I'd complained about decisional problems but she said that I should use the tools and that it wasn't really the place for a track-out, since THAT was usually some set of culturally or family (mother and father) implanted images that COMPLICATED matters in making decisions, but since I couldn't see what ANYTHING from my father or mother could have to do with whether I should work on getting the BOOK PROPOSAL to Raven or getting a COMPUTER to work on the indexes, I decided that a session wasn't the proper thing, as I suppose she was trying to tell me. Talked about how I was so concerned about the PERCEPTUAL, concentrating on that in the personality recognition session, since I'd tried processing WITHOUT words as she'd suggested in the previous class, not thinking the WORDS of the process, but just "directing with the brain" which sort of worked but left me MORE in need perceptual experiential feedback. We TALKED about what I was looking forward to, and I said that, as in the Wednesday class, I had no trouble getting MENTAL feedback, since I took advice, thought about connections, and praised neat phrases from Winston; getting EMOTIONAL feedback since I alternated between rage and despair so effectively in the session that it was just SILLY to deny that I wasn't emotionally hooked into SOMETHING; but there was no PERCEPTUAL feedback, by which I meant I didn't SEE images, or energies, or auras, or past or future lives, or HEAR celestial choirs or voices from the past or future, or harmonies from the fields, or TASTE or SMELL or TOUCH anything out of the ordinary. Then SHE said there were OTHER ways of perceptions: Was I hot or cold? Calm or trembling? She felt her nerves as a sort of PULSATION (which I resisted saying that she was mistaking for BLOOD pressure, which I certainly felt swelling in my fingers and feet when I put my attention to it), she felt PRESSURES here and there, and I said that I could now feel more IN MY BODY, but didn't say that it was just the NORMAL functions being ABNORMALLY paid attention to which produced aches, itches, pressures, movements, and kinetic relationships that weren't in mind before. So through THIS session I felt some stomach palpitations, some vague aches in different regions of the head which would vanish as I concentrated on each spot in turn, and she burped along, and AGAIN I said "That's my stomach" when she laughed and said she thought it was HERS, and I said "That's really harmonizing for us!" Tried to "sense" the prostate and the results when I jerked off with rubber bands to constrict the bulb and shaft, and as I thought of it my THROAT constricted, and I said I couldn't determine if it was an EMOTION or an ANSWER to my question about constricting the passage during sex, and she didn't say a WORD about my reference to sex, though it may be that if she'd said ANYTHING I might have attached over-much attention on whatever judgment I'd been silly enough to sucker her into. Again she said that there had been a lot done, I said I HAD had some perceptual, and though we started a bit early and talked a bit late, she left the room at EXACTLY 2:30, returned to pick up some tissues, and left me out at 2:35 to go home, feeling some relief but thank goodness for LITTLE in the line of DOUBT.

5/9: Lesson 2-18: (Just tried going back ALL of second advanced to see where the idea that the Mental and Perceptual was the OPPOSITE sex from the Emotional and Creature-body sex and couldn't FIND it. It MAY have been in the first personality recognition, and SURELY by the second, but I can't FIND it!) Still slightly drunk from the wine of the day, smelly from the sweat, and there's no air conditioning and I keep smelling the gardenia smell from what turns out to be the ROOM deodorizer behind me. Winston has a nice spiel about the perceptual-experiential, based on my session with Alice yesterday when she said probably the whole group was going through what I was going through, and I COULD report on my perceptions after the sensory-mental lifebelt finished up Center 7 work: my head felt funny, I could feel sensation pounding in my hands and feet, everything seemed very clear, though there was probably a lot going on that I didn't perceive, and Winston seemed to think it was a very good report, and everyone went around from me. Atarah seemed to brush me down with GREAT intensity, and when I complimented her on it, she said she had been a healer with her hands before and now she was getting interested in bodywork to return to her healing practices and demanded to know when the next training was. I again complimented the group for holding me onto the session though my mind was spinning with decisions to make.

5/19: NSH on Bruce: again he's talking about the "extraordinary new phase" that he's going through, and I observe that someone who's attractive to him HAS to be "a member of the lightwork family," which I say is a bit extreme, and he'll think about it, but his pubic bone is "tight as a wire" and "about to snap" and I don't remark about the sexuality of his comments. He winces in some places, saying he felt more knotting in the dynamic, which I didn't particularly feel, but said it was a great session, and I felt relatively thoughtless doing it, Generative energy notwithstanding. I felt better afterward, too.

5/22: NSH on Bob Adami: he's vaguely faggoty, which his friendship with Gene confirms, and he said he's been thinking about getting in for years, but now it just seems GREAT and he's only up to lesson 5 and has expanded his red sun to 30 feet! He's never had a body session before, so I sort of outline it, and he gets on the table upside down, then with his face FLAT down onto the pillowslip, and then he feel VERY bulbous throughout the upper torso, and it's interesting to get the analogy of "plowing land for the first time" and it'll be interesting to see if he loosens up at all. He says he types and writes, so his shoulders and neck get very sore, and I say I know just what he means, and it'll be interesting when he comes back, as he says he will, since it's so convenient to his house on Monroe Place, to see if he changes. We shook hands at the end, but he's not at all attractive: plumpish and bull-like, with pimples all up and down his back and hair in splotches over his body. Nugh.

5/23: Lesson 2-19: At 7:55 no one's there but Marilyn and Elliott, but then Dorothy and Michael come in, Michael with a little boy's baseball cap on his small-looking head, and I think "He's shaved it," and he takes off his hat and he has! I tell him he looks just like a 14-year-old and he DOES! Barbara makes incredible faces when she sees him, reluctant to sit next to him on the last seat on the sofa, but then we're starting, Winston asking for reports, and no one says anything so I say I've had a terrible week, but he says I'm NOT wrong in thinking that LOTS of things may be coming up, and as SOON as I process one, I don't have time to feel the lift until something ELSE comes along to the processed, and I say it's been a VERY strange time, and he says that's part of the function of the red, and then I say (since he says we're going into the orange) that maybe it's the ORANGE that is more for sensory and it was the RED that would have been EMOTIONAL, since lots of negative emotions surely came up during the past two weeks, and he agreed, and then we got into the session. Some point noted about Russell's emphasis on "forming Hierarchy in a GROUP in center 8" and that sort of answered the question in my mind, "WHY do we disband hierarchy and then form it later in class?" Winston kept talking about DEVITALIZERS that sap our energy, and THAT felt connected, particularly when I shared Michael's report that he felt that things from WEEKS past had been building up to be processed now. I felt a curious mental blankness through most of it: it's not that it wasn't CLEAR, or that I was nodding out (except during the Emotional level), but my mind WASN'T ENGAGED IN THOUGHT, so though I have no recollection of various things being SAID, I'm quite sure they were DONE because I never felt any sense of being LEFT BEHIND or HAVING NOT DONE WHAT SHOULD BE DONE. So it was satisfying emotionally IN the class, though it was fairly unsatisfying MENTALLY because the brain didn't have much to DO with it, but the brain was feeling somewhat better in ACCEPTING that. Got a rush of feeling down the tops of my forearms: like a warm breeze, or someone lightly brushing my arm hairs, or a slight shiver without feeling cold, when the soul-light came down into the matrix-creature body level, which I was intrigued to report, and Winston climaxed with the plea that we'll MAKE breakthroughs, but that we shouldn't demand that we KEEP to that breakthrough level: HE even gets to a great bright clear point and hopes it'll last, and maybe in a half hour be followed by some of the WORST crushing lows he's ever felt. He didn't seem to like my analogy of graduating to a faster, higher, speedier roller coaster, but it seemed to make sense to ME, since I like roller coasters as I do. But he seemed pleased with the class, asked that we unify with Alice in her overload, and laughed at the rain drumming on the air conditioner, saying he chose it for its silence, and said it rained ALL OVER IT when I suggested he put out a towel to absorb the sounds. Out at 9:55, so it WAS a short session, but felt like a good one, and I even brushed Michael's bald head down to feel the stubble, and Kathy said she'd shaved HERS in some religious community once, but that it grows out very nice and smoothly and silkily.



Thought I was so smart not to continue the journal when Alice says that Russell recommends keeping a journal of breakthrough experiences, so I guess I'll have to write about the dynamite session. Talked from the start about how I was concerned about the computer, though relieved that I didn't throw $2500 into a dying distributor for a dying company, how I'll now go BACK to indexing and writing the indexing book, and she said that I SHOULD be concerned with such practical matters, but that Russell said that everything should be done with JOY of doing it, not from the DUTY of doing it, and I said that it also got into TRUST of life (that it wouldn't go away, or that I wouldn't forget the important things from it) and Actualism (that it wasn't trying to pull a fast one) and even Amy's change into trance-reading (which Amy, to my chagrin, said she hadn't mentioned explicitly to Alice!), so I could just DO things, without possibly thinking that I was too WORTHLESS to experience the life I was having. She said I must have written lots and I told her about my "9-foot shelf" and she said "I foresee that coming into a great work that you'll be delighted with later in life," and I didn't think to ask her details, and if she's just trying to make me feel good, she did. She'd described the lungs as part of the MENTAL system, and I felt the session to be very EMOTIONAL, and I said that I didn't mind this: that through the body sessions I felt that the THREE aspects were now possible together: Mental, Physical, Emotional, rather than my being JUST mental, or JUST Physical and Emotional in sexual situations, that it could ALL be together. She liked that. She remarked that Russell said the Angelic Dimension is the MENTAL level cosmically! I may have even said I went to the baths (no, I think I just told Amy about it). We talked about joy and feeling it, about the good trip my mother had here, about the possibilities of my changing, that I didn't need to come to the intro-training session since I wasn't teaching, that I could look forward to good times working. I felt good, said "Thank you" exuberantly, whereupon she said "I just got MY essence." We hugged, Susan smiled at me as I left, and I didn't even FEEL my eye though I'd just gotten 3 hours sleep last night, and it was one of the BEST, and I said I EVEN let go my image that the FIRST session in each group was a BORE!



Even better than the previous one! With the feeling that the LUNG clearing paved the way for this, which will in turn pave the way for the larynx next time, since I got the familiar constricted feeling in my throat and came out with EVERYTHING: the fantasy that Radiant Warrior reminds me of the Flaming Angel at the Garden of Eden, preventing return to Eden for their sexual sin, and how that would be applied to a Center 10 around the Kundalini area, and how the "hidden" warrior and the Generative and Regenerative could then be suns in LOWER areas, like Centers 11-13, and then extended my analogy to the Tree of Life with roots BELOW the body, and she responded by saying that in some religions the Tree of Life is UPSIDE DOWN, with the roots in heaven and the LEAVES in earth, and she said there are some that talk about TWO falls: one the fall from angelic being into corporeal being in ONE sex (with sexes united, rather), and then a SECOND fall into TWO sexes. I felt myself spinning from talking with her, and said that I'd like to have more communication sessions: bodywork seemed to apply to the perceptual, classwork more to the emotional, and where was the intellectual in all this, though we agreed that TOO MUCH brain-minding wouldn't help very much. She said these HAD been scheduled almost monthly before, FREE sessions with refreshments, but that no one would COME because they weren't required. Then she said they were planning to have MORE communication sessions, that's one of the reasons they took down the wall to make the room bigger: a few basic classes were getting together for a group meeting, maybe the advanced classes would be getting together later on, and they planned to HAVE more of these. So I felt good seeing they needed something THEY knew they needed. Then I felt a rush and said THIS was emotional, too, and that I seemed to feel why they were against marijuana: it gave the same feeling of HIGHNESS without being GROUNDED, whereas I felt that I was making FIRM GROUNDING and going through to shaky-ladder areas, where before I was almost ALWAYS on a shaky ladder. I kept talking and she kept responding, and at the end I asked her if I should rein in or let myself loose, but she encouraged me, saying I should be a BIT more patient, but that many of my flights of fancy weren't so fancy after all, and it was good to hear me talk this way, she thought.



The Personality Recognition for Center 9 is so CLEARLY effective that it's worth describing in detail. Winston INSISTED that the components of the personality (Mental Body and Field, first Dynamic then Magnetic then both harmonized, then the same for the Emotional Body and Field, for the Perceptual Body and Field, for the matrix Body and 5th Kingdom Field, and then (separate as Russell's tape was for Center 9?) the Creature Body and Field) would be ANGERED or PUT INTO FEAR or THROWN INTO WORTHLESSNESS by the UNIFICATION with it of the Energy-of-Perfection/ Love Power Ray empowered Incarnating Ego. He spoke of how the Dynamics were accustomed to being rebuffed by the Mass-Mind images of the Magnetics that they tried to enter, and how the Magnetics were turned aside by the Dynamics that didn't understand them. All of the "Oh, not ME" and "Why ME?" and "I don't fit here" images were INTENDED to be agitated for processing during this session. Thus I could easily identify as SELF-HATE the feeling that so smoldered in me when we were asked cheerily "How went the week?" and I could think of NOTHING to say. But it was self-hate that was WILLINGLY brought to the surface so that it could be processed by IE and Love and the power of the group and of Winston and Alice acting in cooperation. The reports were marvelously alike: I heard horror story after horror story, and Winston said that this would have to stop, and then I gave my report of being lowest of the low, terribly angry, thinking it might become a sobby sentimental session when he said "It would get to all your images of being unworthy of love," and then finding it hard to concentrate, and then the NOISES: people shouting from windows outside, radios blaring, a chain rattling on a cleaning cart that flustered even WINSTON, talking of the CHAIN of events and breaking the spell (and once I had the experience of drifting off and blinking awake and opening my eyes to fix on a Winston who had JUST given me a whammy with his fingers---probably MORE than just a coincidence), and finally a woman on the telephone with SUCH a cackle and SUCH a low-energy crabbiness that I just went into a TOTAL blue funk, from which there was no lower to go and suddenly I was on the other side---which I described as being in the MIDST of the storm and then breaking through in a calm sea---"even being able to bail a bit," I added, when everyone seemed to be laughing with my telling, and I said that I KNEW that things had been processed, and Winston congratulated me for feeling so good at THIS point. And then the reports got better and better until at the end Alice gave us all Merit Badges for processing in one of the worst meetings, which she said that even the EXTERNAL sounds were manifestations of, to prove that we COULD last through practically anything if we just stuck to it (till the pain reached a "brazing clichendo" in Winston's lisping imitation of Russell), and I saw that the "protective ring" set up around us was REALLY in a way protecting us from OURSELVES. When Amy told about Aviva's sighting of "little black things" that she was afraid to sleep with, I thought they might be HER externalizations of evils within her (though Amy didn't think so), just as OUR terror trips were mirrors of OUR worst sides, ready to be cast into the blazing-ground fires, so from that I wondered if the "powers of darkness" that people talk about aren't just some manifestations of the PERSON themselves, and I STILL think the BOUNDARIES-OF-THE-I should be determined fully before we decide what isn't IN the I (see Essays 26). Everyone reported a new level of processing, though some chose to describe it as new energy, like Marilyn; but Margaret SAID she felt like self-destructing, which she didn't, [Atarah, Marilyn, Barbara, Margaret, Cathy, Maureen, Dorothy, Meg, Elliott, Michael, Robert, Tony: AMBMCMDMEMRT: HGLMBDHHGBZM] and even Cathy said that it was AWFUL, and only Winston's post-class drubbing got MOST of them to say that ANYTHING positive happened, and it seemed REAL that lots of things DID come up, WERE processed, now the only point was that they STAYED away, had some PERMANENT value, and not just temporary cosmetic value for a short time. Lots paid tribute to the power of the group, and the merging with Winston always seemed powerful, though I could never "get" anything from him, yet he'd probably have to protect himself from incursions from all of us at random times if he were TRULY sensitive/open. And I had the HARDEST time getting into some of the sessions during the week, maybe from fear that the same sort of intensity of processing would come up?



After doing partials, none, scattered, and detailed ones under poor circumstances, it's a CHANGE to do a THOROUGH (with brain-mind commanding for the greatest earthing, as I thought of it), LENGTHY (taking all of 80 minutes with no problem with phasing or taking too long or too short with any part of it) session from 10:25-11:45 this morning. And with such nice results! Good feelings about the genders of the various levels, thought-provoking lingerings on the "masculine aspect of the masculine level" of the Emotional and the Human and Creature, and the "feminine intuitive aspect of the very feminine levels" of the Mental and Perceptual, in which the Perceptual seemed to correspond with the EXTRASENSORY, since it was in frequency ABOVE the body, used structures and functions REMOVED from the body, and dealt, I was quite sure, with "viewing and knowing at a distance" without benefits of SPACE limitations and "viewing and knowing at a time" without benefits of TIME limitations, which transcended life-long periods and went into cellular and reptilian and mammalian pasts, let alone the pasts of previous incarnations, and included the future (as it does for Amy's voice when it says "Larry Meyer has two daughters" when in point of current time he has just one and his wife, wanting a second child, was disappointed with her period recently). It could also include STRENGTHS not connected with the muscles of the body, but those of the mind, as in PK movements, bending of keys, influencing of remote events. Talked with Pope about "Boundaries" and he said that he knew of no book that SUMMARIZED these, only that Dr. Rhine insisted that all ESP was NOT physical, but it might merely be physical in ways we haven't FOUND yet. Surely science was AS certain of how much it knew BEFORE electricity and nuclear power was found---when disease was the wrath of God and death a mystery. The coming and going of the sun behind clouds lent patterns of brightness and clarity, and periods of gloom and doubt, to the session, and I felt NO physical discomfort, NO emotional turmoil, and NO mental wanderings except when I INSISTED on remaining in what seemed to be the relatively obstructed human level and more obstructed physical level, and then I thought of other pages I wanted to write, including the one about the "story" of the future, via Amy, that I'd LIKE to write fairly SOON (see FICTION 1).



The potential meeting said ONLY that I'd get grounded at the end of the Coordinator's training, but beyond that I felt nothing at all. Then at the first Coordinator's meeting I didn't feel anything of the Deva, and that was so unpleasant that through the following week (until yesterday) whenever I did a session, it was only to form Hierarchy and MAYBE do a lifebelt, but there was NO remembrance of the Deva at ALL! Then yesterday's class was SO embarrassing: Winston INSISTING on knowing our experience of the Deva (and not willing to be put off by my saying that George Pearson said I should say Hello to the Deva for him), I had to say that I did minimal sessions and really forgot about the Deva, and he said it was no WONDER I had trouble with it, and I admitted, with some emotion in my voice, that I was probably going through resistances and denials, but then as Winston said that unification with Deva could take place for ALL sessions right after IE, I said that I'd gotten the idea that our work with Deva as ONLY in connection with coordinating, and even Alice seemed to think that was a reasonable mistake, therefore "excusable," but maybe only to get Winston off my back, and it does seem that she's taking more and more of his session over for him, and I'm rather hoping that now she'll take over the classes ENTIRELY and let him SIT IN on another set before throwing him into the teaching of the second part of second advanced. I felt VERY spaced out (but not as much as Michael, who had to be called twice to waken), and the group of 6 was so small that Margaret's incessant questioning and Marilyn's commenting seemed magnified more than usual. I was signed up for my first coordination session, which is nice, and on Wednesday, so that I can finish most of my indexes before then, and THEN Winston announced that there'll be a LEG AND ARM PULL intro on the 11th, which is REALLY rushing things, but since it only seems to be offered once every three years, I signed up for it right away, and I can then delay getting the two-person training until after I get the oil and vibrator at least past the 15-session breakthrough. But it's funny to get SUCH CONCENTRATION of activity all in a few weeks, being there 7 times for 1 class, 1 coordination, 1 L&A training, 2 O&V trainings, and 2 surgeries in the space of 15 days, not QUITE once every other day for two weeks, but close ENOUGH!



Interesting that I hadn't written ANYTHING for over a month, even though we got a new center, 10, for the Regeneration energy, which the Radiant Warrior moved to to "protect the bottom of the field," and Barbara guessed it in her makeup that afternoon but none of us guessed it---us who are smaller when we were told that Tony wasn't going to be back in the group, and then a few weeks later we were told that ATARAH is taking "a vacation" from the work. So we're down to 9, and I'm beginning to worry about the power that I put into joining with Bruce's group, ahead of us. My first coordinating job went well, a quiet day in which I got to look at all the manuals for the coordinator and take all of 2-3 phone calls, and my second day was almost entirely taken up (first day also saw when the COORDINATORS started, which is a neat thing, and found out TODAY that the SECOND group took LONGER from the time they started coordinating to the time they were initiated into Third Advanced (today, said Linda, though she added that they really didn't START with Third Advanced yet) then the FIRST group did, which was 15 months. And I finally got COMPLETE lists of EVERYONE who was ahead of me, which at this point ISN'T THAT MANY!) with reading the Feasibility Study for Earth Point, which I took notes on, and it was SO quiet that when Linda mentioned that I hadn't taken the phone off the service at 1 pm, I had to admit that it hadn't rung at all ANYWAY! Changed the sheets for Ginny Jarrett, got mightily activated when she had a 12:30 slot available the following day and I wasn't considered for it (and no one's name at ALL was written in when I looked at it today!), and then Lea suggested that Valda wanted to take some time off from her Tuesday evenings and would I be willing to coordinate twice a month on Tuesday? Fine! Two classes (whose names I copied right off, and they'd ALREADY moved who HAD been group C on Tuesday to ANOTHER night), so I'd have lots to do, at least around 6 and 8. Then Amy chatted about her opposition to the pressure for Earth Point financing when I went to her place for a body session last Wednesday, and when Winston put on the tape from Carol Ann, I instantly prejudged that it would be ALL ABOUT Earth Point. And that was AFTER Winston insisted on reports, and I GAVE it to him: all about how nothing happened when I did the sessions (not really daring to mention that I so seldom DID sessions during the day) during the day, and he got very antsy, making me feel all kinds of wrong, saying that I had to FEEL things, had to feel HIGH frequency, or else I would be totally eternally sunk into LOW frequency. I thought he had the thing all wrong, that I couldn't communicate with him and what I'd BEEN TRYING to say that it was CLEAR that I was making progress because things in my LIFE were going very well, and I even said that a deadline that I couldn't have made by Friday was extended by the CUSTOMER to the following Monday, and he seemed to take it the wrong way by saying that he couldn't do ANYTHING about scheduling my indexes for me, but that I would have to learn how to process images and get things DONE. I felt we were getting nowhere, and then the tape came on during which I was very clear for the first part, listening to Carol Ann struggle with the tape, with recording levels, and what sounded like terminal alcoholism with her "ekshershizes" and other words that I didn't understand at all. I sat there and "didn't get anything" and she pushed most of the buttons by saying "Let's find OUT which organs aren't sending their egos to hierarchy," and of course I looked all around and didn't feel a THING, so I felt that she wasn't being fair to demand such PINPOINTED experience when we hadn't even DONE anything like this before. Then I decided that I couldn't make a report, and told Winston so, and he demanded to talk about it, and VERY SKILLFULLY managed to elicit from me that I felt so COMPLACENT about where I had been that I wasn't willing to work, that I felt SADNESS during the session because I didn't have any experience, though when Margaret reported about JEALOUSY I thought that might be closer to the truth, and then I remembered the NICE feeling of expansion that I had when we went up into the soul level, and how my hand-back tingled when we went somewhere else, but I fell ASLEEP during the part about letting the egos go back to their structures, because when the reports said they didn't understand whether they were to disband hierarchy or not, I didn't recognize ANY of it. We also agreed that I was being very JUDGMENTAL about my getting activated about Earth Point when it really wasn't about Earth Point. Came home and told Dennis about the complacency, and he didn't quite know what it means, and surprised me by reading from the dictionary something about "people who wanted to PLEASE" and found that this was COMPLAISANCE and I wanted COMPLACENCE, which was self-satisfaction WITHOUT THOUGHT OF DANGER OR DEFICIENCY, which I thought was a MARVELOUSLY evocative addition. Dennis thought this might be true, but when I said I figured it meant I should be HARDER on myself, he said why didn't I think of it as being MORE LOVING to myself and let what was INSIDE ME come out. This DID sound great, and I loved it. Told Amy about it and she suggested that since I helped her so much on the horizontal about indexing, she could try to help me on the vertical, since she had so much of it, and I thought that sounded great, though I paused so much before asking that she said "Are you afraid of ASKING people for something?" and I had to admit that I was, but it felt GOOD to have it offered! Then sat down for some GOOD sessions in the intervening days, but brought up lots of the SAME STUFF: not knowing what the work is actually supposed to be ABOUT, and what IS the Perceptual Magnetic, anyway? Then I looked at the New Yorker and came up with the Eastern Fly-anywhere for ONE person, and was greatly taken up with that, but then in last night's session (from 12:55-2 am this morning!) I seemed to see that this was just an attempt to GET AWAY, and I should really be MORE happy with doing things that I knew already, like maybe GOING back to Milan, though I'd been there 5 times before, because they could show me a great time there, and maybe even retracing some of the same mountains in the Adirondacks because I LIKED them, and not because I hadn't tried something before; I really got a good look at doing things for the SAKE of doing them (and not getting much satisfaction out of that) and doing things because they FELT GOOD at the time. So I then decided that I wouldn't go alone, but that if anyone wanted to go with me, it might be fun, but I should try to get more things together, give a higher priority to getting WORK done so that I could get to writing---and then I found I got back to the SAME OLD PROBLEMS: wanting to write and not doing it, and getting SO distracted by beautiful men on the subway (or in class) and just WANTING them beyond the limits of doing ANYONE any good. So I went to bed tired and got up at 9:30 and worked with about 5 indexes (Allegra called about her author's index, which Melinda Wirkus accepted with good grades), (Ruth Adams said she'd give Barbara the pages for Sea Grasses when she brought in the Female Sterilization index), her secretary said that Priscilla would call back about Holt, and I couldn't get into Lauren's because I did ANOTHER session from 11-12 and didn't have time to do anything on it. Then get out RIGHT on time at 12:30 and JUST get the elevator and JUST get the train, but THEN it goes bad: stands in the Chambers Street station for 5 minutes and says "Sorry, delays, we won't be moving for at least 10 minutes; take the local." So we all pile off onto the local, which proceeds to limp uptown, allowing TWO expresses to speed past on the express track, and we sit so long at Christopher that I'm BOILING and THEN they said the train was going out of service and then an express shot by on the LOCAL track without even STOPPING, which I thought was the WORST, and then finally a crowded local came past, we squeezed in, then got off at 14th for a jammed express which then stayed in the station until the local left, beat it to 50th and to 59th, and then we finally caught up at 66th and got into the station at 72nd at 1:10 and I DASH across cursing the GODDAM train as I burst in on Linda and Alice, and then get across for the Lumbar Identity Freeing that REALLY takes the cake. I tell Alice that my sessions are better, and she uses THREE phrases in the gathering that are very evocative: she talks of the nerves going down the spine for OTHER parts but then mentions the tiny nerves going into the "BONES OF THE SPINE TO SENSITIZE AWARENESS," and this idea of SENSITIZING AWARENESS seems suddenly important: the awareness is IN the organ or the bone, but the nerves have to GET there so that I can SENSE the awareness that's already there. Then that's overlaid when she talks of the Radiant Warrior sun expanding out and INTERPENETRATING the energy systems of the body. I try to tell her what I think when she says that, but she doesn't seem to GET what I meant: that the SUN generates an energy of a certain shape and form and frequency, and this "waveform" passes through and INTERTHROUGH the organs and cells of the body, CHANGING THEIR "waveform" while doing so, so that rather than the energy of the sun just sort of MASSAGING the organs from the outside, it PENETRATES in a way I hadn't thought of before. Thirdly, she talks about "knowing, and knowing that you know." This is great. In addition, she calls the brain in to interact on the organ level, and MY brain does a take and says "I'm not just an organ, I'm THE top dog in here and I'm going to STAY that way." All very evocative. Then we're into the session and I'm going over the old stuff from before, wondering what it has in common: the desires on the subway for crotches or shirts or chests or arms; the desires for travel, the desires for writing---and it all easily comes down to MORE---I just want MORE! And then the irony of it hits me: I WANT more and here I am DENYING myself the EXPERIENCE of this great THING that I'm supposed to be into: denying the knowing and the sensing and the feeling that everyone ELSE seems to end up with! I tell Alice that and she thinks it's marvelous: I THINK I want EXTERIOR things, when all I'm doing is running away from the INTERIOR things that are EVEN MORE RIGHTLY MINE. She says she wonders if I couldn't work on this OUTSIDE of class and sessions JUST at the time that I think "What I should do when I get hung up on a body that I OBVIOUSLY can't have at the moment---why suffer over it---is close my eyes and go INSIDE to take some of the riches that are WITHIN!" Since this is a spine session, she keeps talking about stiff spines and support and the listlessness of the spineless, and I say I've gotten a lot of SUPPORT: the comment from Dennis about "love yourself, don't be hard on yourself" and the support from Amy, whom I helped on the horizontal, and Alice adds that I can UNIFY WITH THE IMMORTAL of anyone, like Amy, whose perception I admire, and the immortals are usually GLAD to cooperate---but I have to go all magnetic, and THAT leads me to tell her about Friday night, when I DID what Dennis wanted me to do and had a GREAT time, and how our relationship is never sweeter than when I've made myself more vulnerable to him, and she says that I have to open up and RECEIVE, which might make me FEARFUL, and then the fear might touch into worthlessness, and I connect it all very strongly: that if I HAVEN'T had these sensations so far, and I'm so GREAT, then I was WORTHLESS before, and I'd be AFRAID of that, bringing up Werner's "It's not the fear of being conned that gets people, it's the fear of being FOUND OUT that you were conned." And I really GOT it, and though the session I got GREAT feelings of inner expansion and SPACE to move about in (albeit dark!), and told her that I'd BEFORE known I was "together" in knowing, sensing, and feeling, but for the past months I'd slipped OUT of that, so I have to go back over the same territory, but then I connected THAT with the thought that I'd ENJOY re-reading the books I enjoyed reading before, rather than just searching for new ones to read; that I'd ENJOY reclimbing Vanderwacker or whatever nice mountain that was rather than searching out a NEW one; that I might ENJOY Italy with Edgardo, or New York with Dennis, and not NEED all these new things. I felt great! She tried going a bit far by saying that the feeling of love was ALWAYS apparent as a warmth and coziness, sometimes even a "syrupiness that's actual" that she loved, which was a bit much, and she said that it would NOT be a good idea for me to "take lessons" from Dennis in feeling, since that would zero in on his possible arrogance (and I immediately recalled his: "And in six lessons they're coming to ME for instruction"), and it wouldn't be "right" for me, an advanced, to go to him, as it would give BOTH our images chances to go crazy, but my praising him for his adventuresomeness in New York was ALL to the good, as was my opening myself up to his cheerfulness and love. Small knocks on the door proclaimed Michael, following me, and he said he'd knocked upstairs for 10 minutes before coming down, so he'd been late, too, and I assimilated in the office, leaving the room at 2:45 and she DOES give a fair session, and she said she KNEW I was usually good, calling if I'd be late or wanted to be late, so this wasn't usual of me, though she DID seem to imply that I might have left a BIT late! GREAT SESSION! She ALSO said she was SURE that I'd GREATLY DEVELOPED my sensory and feeling awareness for FOOD, for example, and for SEX, she hastened to say, and I had to agree that that was true, so it should be simple to get it from THIS. When I was batting around in my brain (which she said I seemed to blame for EVERYTHING, taking a position that it wasn't any good for ANYTHING, and I had to admit that I'd once been all FOR both/and, and seem to have settled for either/or a lot lately. She also said about Dennis that (liking Barbara for giving him SUCH good advice) he could have time for lessons AND time for the things he wanted to do: I could develop in the horizontal AND the vertical at the same time, without one "costing" the other. There wasn't any NEED for giving up things, she said again and again, you just get MORE.) She also said that there was a special brain session that I might be getting close to being ready to have, and that sounded good to me. I didn't have the chance to ask her anything about class, since I was so late anyway, but it seemed that she said a lot MORE things that I didn't quite remember strongly enough to record.