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After feeling awful for two whole weeks about "not being able to do anything or decide anything," in comes Center 12 with its facility for MOVEMENT or ACTION, and things get MOVING during the session and things get DONE until the next session, when I space out quite a bit during the Personality Recognition, but feel that this session on POWER proves how much power I have in my images, and that if I burn them up, I'll have much power for OTHER things. Through that session and some of the few practices that I did, I get to the place where I feel I don't have to have the computer OR students, that I free these people, go BACK to earning high amounts of money for my OWN use, and still have times for vacations and following my own stuff without being STUCK in the city. I rationalize in the following way: I trained Rolf and Jim and Andre and Amy, none of whom is doing indexes at this moment, so THEY were a waste. And Barbara and Sherryl did NOT want to come in to an office to use a computer, so the ONLY one who would be using it would be ME. And it would tie me down even more, make a move difficult, and foul things up schedule-wise. Then I got into the feeling of throwing things away, and felt that I wanted to get RID of things---though I haven't actually DONE it as yet, and it's now all the way to 11/6! Still feel that things aren't being written down, but I feel that I can throw away most of the souvenirs that I've NEVER looked at. Then the talk on Sunday with Bruce (with the STRANGE Arm and Leg Pull with its activating question: "Can you feel us unified in your shoulder?") about my not STILL wanting to die, a microcosm of the Eternal Return; how my PROLONGING the agony before the ecstasy increases the level of ecstasy, and I feel that things are coming OUT and being PROCESSED, and I wrote a couple versions of the letter to Carol Ann until finally I got one that seemed pretty good (see NOTEBOOK 142). Then today I had the eye session, which I should have had a couple years ago, and it's so different that I just have to write it down (see ACTUALISM 30).



We started with the Left Hand of the Physician, Orange, so we lit the Orange Power Ray, got the orange sun from Center 8 (after gathering and enlightening), and moved it up to Center 4 (for the LONG ROUTE which has to be done ONCE for each energy, and then it can be USED for a week before doing it with the OTHER energy, best to do while getting power rays, but Arthur Ellenbogen is making great ESP use of it, seeing auras and other psychic phenomena), reducing it from 3" to 2". Then the work is divided into four phases:

1) Forming the facial triangle: start in the right eye with the following five steps: position the sun in the eye; magnetically draw out obstructions; process with fire action; assimilate essence; magnify position of beingness IN the eye. Follow the five steps in each of the three eyes: BEAM from the right eye to the left, then move the SUN there, then from the left diagonally up to the third eye in the center (half-in and half-out of the forehead), then down again to the right to finish the triangle. Then sun back to BETWEEN eyes and expand the sun to the size of the "optic triangle" now formed.

2) Forming the rearward triangle: start in the right eye, beam from the sun diagonally back through the optic thalamus and continue back through the left occiput, then laser the inside and outside of the optic nerve from the right eye back to the optic thalamus and continue on the right to the right occiput. Then move to the left eye, beam back through the right occiput, then laser the optic nerve back to the left occiput. Then move to the third eye and beam back through the back of the neck. Then turn and LOOK back at the triangle just formed, then MOVE back to the optic thalamus and look FORWARD. Process any pelvic activations that appear about this time.

3) Forming the forward triangle: externalize a horizontal 2-foot bar with a 2-inch sun on it, then beam forward from the right eye, breathing the Breath of Life through the channel, then move OUT on the beam and look around to your face. Repeat with the left eye and BALANCE the two beams when you're looking back. Then send from the third eye and bring the bar in to equalize the distance from front to back, to balance the OUTER vision and the INNER vision. Carol Ann is writing a book on eyes that we're all encouraged to ADD our experiences to.

4) Then practice looking. Stay a WEEK on each energy and then change to do all 15 energies. Do LONG ROUTE again on each of the 15 afterwards to process NEW stuff. Order may be ORANGE/ RED/ CM/ REGEN/ GEN/ WISDOM/ WILL/ PERFECTION/ WHITE/ SOUL/ WARR/ SUBWAR/ RG/ CF/ GREEN.



The string of associations is cosmic: from smell to other senses to LSD to Carol Ann's and my liberation by that, with brain-signals overlapping to make senses cross-reference, during which time I came to the idea that all life and love passes from father to son to son, at which time I thought of marrying (though Mom didn't like Madge), then went to the psychiatrist, who said "What do YOU want?" and I decided I didn't want marriage, but how much is selfishness (for which Alice substituted "self-centered perspective") and how much could be doing for others (which Alice said might be scatteredness in some way I can't remember), and I said that I was also concerned about my recent decision to forget about the computer and even drop students, and she said she thought it SOUNDED good, but if a year's trial didn't produce good results and satisfaction for me, maybe I should drop it. And that brought me right to Earth Point, where I'm again thinking of myself and not of the group of ants who seem to be planning for a future that this grasshopper is just saying that I can handle at any level I choose, and NOW I think of Susan's and Amy's and Dennis's insistence that I will contribute my own point of view, unique in itself, and I tell Alice before that I'm afraid of being SUCH an authority that I become presumptive and overbearing, though SheLAH insists that I have to have the authority of my own fingertip, since there's no other authority that I can possibly HAVE, and it gets to the idea of belief or denial, where science has said "These things cannot be" and here my experience, dazzled, seems to be seeing other things, and we talk of the ACTUAL design for the unity of human kind (and animals and minerals, animals who smell fear, which we've forgotten how to do) may be "imprint unmistakable" in the 80-85% of the brain-cells that we don't use, that science is now learning to CATEGORIZE as I'm finding out in my indexing, but hardly to UNDERSTAND, as I'm trying to understand the operations of the basic particles to come up with a simplified UNDERSTANDABLE model of the basic particles and forces and gravitation which seems intuitively possible aside from the indefiniteness of quantum mechanics and electromagnetics, and Alice has to rush to a finish because it's 2:35 already and Michael's waiting outside, they'll take the theater tickets and find a donation form for my $100 gift to the Christmas party and it's all so CROWDED and DETAILED that I can hardly remember the HALF of it!



He read from notes (in his plush green leisure suit, looking like a shaved Santa Claus, somewhat more robust and lively than others had described him) on TRUTH VERSUS MYSTERY, starting at 7:45 with 30+ of the Second Advanceds. Buddha's realization: All men are Buddha---there's no mystery here.

All MAJOR mysteries "generate" mysterious versions. We communicate from our TRUTH, not belief systems. Wanting TRUTH makes us vulnerable to mystery makers. Bring to truth to be INTERdependent, not Dependent or Independent. We are all (including bankers) owned by the BANKS. No problem solving can be done from belief systems as can be done from TRUTHS. Belief systems from society about food, life, wealth, EVERYTHING. OUR truth gives POWER to belief systems' mysteries. Your TRUTH makes your IDEALIZED images TAWDRY. Move from mystery to Mastery. Veils of illusion (and delusion) (and hallucination) hide our truths. OUR hate-rage-kill and anger POISONS and KILLS OUR SELVES.

Each cell has a truth according to which it performs its functions. Generative-Regenerative is a divine attribute of our God-Child nature. His ABSOLUTE truth is only his MYSTERY about truth. As lightworkers we REALIZE our beings of light. 8:30. We CAN experience our HARMONY with God. FIRST KEY TO KINGDOM OF TRUTH: YOU ARE DEPENDENT ONLY ON YOUR TRUTH, gained by gathering Enlightened Awareness in all 3 attributes of mind: knowing, feeling, and sensing. From 8:40-8:57 we get a 10-minute break. Sharing reports: Barbara Lea: One Christianity versus N CHRISTIANS. Russell: We TEMPER truth with mystery to STOMACH it. One of the DEEPEST facilities of MINE is the EXPERIENCE of truth. Linda Klau: The truth comes as I experience myself as a living process. Russell: Be the truth of what one is, not the IMAGE of what one is. 9:25-9:37 Gathering. 90% of brain cells are nerve cells, which if used would PROVE us to be TELEPATHIC at ALL times. SONS of God found FORMS of man (Daughters of man) pleasing, and incarnated in the FORM of the species Homo sapiens. Separative principle introduced at CONCEPTION---cells don't FUSE when they divide, they FISSION, and SPLIT, from the original sperm and egg cells. To recognize A truth (there is no THE truth), use the Separative Principle to separate the mysteries AROUND the truth FROM the truth---don't FUSE them. Use POWER of Separative Principle to SEPARATE mystery from truth. SECOND KEY TO KINGDOM OF TRUTH: to work constructively, not splitting, when hit with image, using Separative Principle to move into the organizing center of the illusion with Enlightened Awareness and SEPARATE truth and relegate REST as FERTILIZER for the fruit of the Garden of the Mind. Lots of illusion---lots of fertilizer. (I get STRONG idea of Spiritual Atomic Explosions---nuclear FISSION.) Kingdom of Truth = Heaven Within. Unifying and harmonizing is not the ONLY way to GO. EXPERIENCE truth, don't feed it to the mind-computer. EVERY moment of living is a moment of RELATIONSHIP. THIRD KEY TO KINGDOM OF TRUTH: Approach truth with LOVE of truth, ABOVE ALL OTHER LOVE---then build OTHER loves on that FIRM FOUNDATION. Love of truth is best supported by Great Good Will, and Good Humor, too. He coins a lovely word: FRIVIALITIES ... and pronounced the "th" of then as in "think." "So it is, and since it IS, so BE it." Meeting in a year of two; develop HUMOR (to 9:56). Reports: Disciples ASLEEP were only UNENLIGHTENED. Pat Giambalvo: When communication is done with truth, there's JOY.

We look into mirrors now for BEAUTY, but a BETTER mirror is one in which we see the beauty of our truth, and the wisdom and goodness of our truths and those of others---and children are often (sometimes not) a good mirror of truth. Get more joy out of third order physical substance: JOY OF ELIMINATION---in this country there's an EPIDEMIC of constipation. The random dynamic is diarrhea; the random magnetic is holding on, constipation. JOY OF EATING AND ASSIMILATION: descriptive of food on PHYSICAL, SENSORY, EMOTIONAL, MENTAL LEVELS. Find the battered children among YOUR cells and organs. DENIAL of the truth causes illness. Second order thoughts, feelings, actions; and prime order is life support and protection (and I don't understand my notes here). Denying ONE part of the ecology (as an organ) denies the WHOLE ecology (of body). He finishes at 10:18, despite our urging that he talk longer, and many sit and seem deep in thought even after he's left the room and most have left. WANTED to ask: Hindus say that ALL this is illusion; is there A truth in this?



I was the first who got it, so she constantly referred to her notes, and at one point even showed me the SHEET which had something "for advanced thirds and fourths" which she whisked away JUST as I understood the heading. Then we REALLY suited up with the Radiant Warrior expanded full field and the Wisdom expanded full-body WITHIN that (followed by the Red for healing), and then with Incarnating Ego WITHOUT hierarchy we went in detail through the cell egos and organ egos of the brain, leaving the work at the creature-body and human levels for the NEXT half of the brain session. (And maybe what was so advanced was the atomic and molecular levels BELOW the cell?) I remarked that it FELT like a lobotomy, with all the cells being "combed" with the energies and the surgical forces to release them magnetically and dynamically from ALL past images and belief systems. She laughed and was pleased when I said that. Then she enumerated the 12 brain egos, and I tried to remember them but couldn't quite: of the left hemisphere and right hemisphere of the cerebrum, spinal fluid and its ventricles, the cerebellum, of the pituitary, the pineal, the hypothalamus, the thalamus, and then the medulla, pons, and spinal cord. It all seemed so appropriate that I was currently dealing with what was REAL and what was only illusory, and then I was sharing in Alice's enthusiasm about how effective and progressive this new series seemed to be. I distinctly remember walking toward the Olcott Hotel wondering "What am I DOING getting sucked into this latest series?" (particularly when Alice said that each session would now have to be two hours and cost $30, as does third advanced when we get into it, but I went to find the center closed and assumed that this was STILL a 1.5 hours session, since Michael came in, with Alice saying "Look at Bob if you don't think this is a dynamite session!" at 2:45, and I hadn't even gotten started until 1:15, since she was busily thumbing through her package trying to decide what to give me next), and now I could only think "This is FABULOUS, there HAVE been things loosened up, and this DOES seem to be a new phase of more exciting living." But some of the FOLLOWING pages seem to have come DOWN from this high plateau!



He says "C'mon in here" as he unzips his pants and gets onto the table, genitals bulking large under the shorts and blanket on the table, short-sleeved undershirt piped with blue so that he seems vaguely "dressed." He chats levelly with me, then lays down for the gathering, then corrects a big thing: the thumb isn't KEPT in the center of the foot, but gotten out of way in holding foot for the rest of the time. Then the niggles: I have to pull a bit when giving the instructions to move in; I have to wait until he says OK and THEN give a pause to move in with the human and THEN start pulling down, only reaching up with the human hands to clear AFTER he's COMPLETELY moved down to the lengthened position. Then I shouldn't wait for him to overstrain for telling him to "Keep the joint in place," but at the end he says that I've certainly gotten the FORM down better than anyone else he'd dealt with for the FIRST T&R, but that I needed lots of work on the inner stuff. I confessed that I'm glad this is the third one I learned, since though the outer pattern is surely the easiest, the INNER work is the most difficult and demanding, and since I had no trouble getting the inner work down on the other sessions, I don't worry about getting it down on this one. He says I have to pull longer and hold longer, since it's 15 minutes per limb, and he also likes a harder pull than most others, though he corrects me in not REALLY pulling hard on the arms, and DO have to switch positions of the hands to give the arms and hands a chance to unload as I move them from the sides to above the head. He shows no shyness about getting off the table and putting on his pants while I'm there, either, but when I sit on the foot of their bed I get a shock when it squeaks down as if entirely made of eiderdown, sinking in DEEPLY. I've taken only an hour on him WITH all the conversation, but my hands have started sweating from the concentration to get the fine line between more than too little and less than too much. He kept bending and cracking joints in his neck, moved his legs rather little when he pulled up, and talked calmly to me for much of the time, unlike his shortness of temper during the training itself.



She asks me how it's been since the last session, and I launch into a long explanation about how my desires have increased and proliferated, how I'm still thinking Russell's more concerned about getting ONE desire into those who have NO desires, and how I over-reacted to the tape with judgmentalism; and she says she meant since the last CRANIAL session, and I blithely went on to say that I'd been USING those organ egos successfully and when I'd PREVIOUSLY been finishing up something and sopping about in limbo for 6-7 MINUTES and then deciding to do SOMETHING, even if it might not be RIGHT and USEFUL, but even to ENTERTAIN myself if I couldn't think exactly of what to do next. She said that LAST time we went over the cells and organs, and now that we're doing the Creature Body, we'll be covering the organs AGAIN, but this time from the BODY frequency, which is higher than the ORGAN frequency. And later she mentioned that OF COURSE all these levels and halves and pieces have KNOWING, SENSORY, AND FEELING awarenesses to make their functions and structures more complicated. We must have talked for about a half an hour, and then she said I should go in, disperse hierarchy so that each component will learn to stand steadily in its OWN right, and started on the Creature Body dynamic, and I said that my problem was that I had too MANY dynamics, and I sometimes feel that I want some kind of OUTER direction (just don't do it OVERTLY) so that I have more TRUST in my inner being's being RIGHT when it says I can play and type and STILL get indexes in on time. She said something about the ORGANS and I said "If I didn't think it was wrong, I'd say that my ORGANS knew what to do, but that THIS," I said, flinging about my arms and legs, "didn't know what to do." She said that wasn't very accurate, since the Creature Body hadn't been KEPT OUT of last week's session, it just wasn't the focus of attention as it is this week, but it undoubtedly got a lot OUT of last week's focus on the organs and the cells, since it was COMPOSED of organs and cells. Then we went to the magnetic and I said that coming AWAY from fixed perspectives opened me to so many NEW areas that I immediately felt a FEAR OF FAILURE, which led me quickly to a basic level of WORTHLESSNESS, since I'd usually think I could cope with new areas of adventure, but (I thought THIS to myself) I'd since gotten out of PRACTICE, particularly SEXUALLY, since I'd had a long spate of John and then a longer spate of Dennis to satisfy my sexual requirements fully enough so that I didn't have to think of finding someone ELSE outside a casual fling at a bar or Mineshaft or baths. She didn't reinforce the worthlessness, but said that FEAR was usually the big inhibitor away from new kinds of actions. I went in farther to find that whenever she said I should try for something NEW, or something in the line of PROGRESS, I immediately equated what went BEFORE as FAILURE, as BAD, as WRONG, so that the new thing was to be welcomed as progress and IMPROVEMENT AND SUCCESS AND GOOD AND RIGHT. She said "Now you've found that, just consign THAT to the fires. Anything new is ADDED to the old, you can have BOTH, not just one or the other." I later came up with the idea that, if it's good to be changing in this way NOW, I should have changed this way BEFORE, so I'm STUPID not to have thought of it myself. She switched to the Human Dynamic and I said it was SO appropriate that I'd just had the L&A T&R since I'd always thought of myself as HAVING a Human, whereas Winston insisted that I WAS the human, and Alice really pounded it home: "You ARE the human who's inhabiting a Creature Body composed of earth elements in order to EARTHE whatever lessons you've come into Form to EARTHE. You couldn't do it without the body, you couldn't progress at ALL, and now you have this lovely body that you learn to love because of what it permits you to PROGRESS through." I wasn't sure that she'd really SAID this before so forcefully. It felt rather like another level of initiation. When we got to the Human Magnetic and she started talking about fear and anxiety, which usually comes into the magnetic, I said that it brought up the old thing of the "I" being Brain-mind, which would die with this Creature Body, and I felt that I have to battle against people like Bruce and Amy who kept saying that THEY didn't want their CREATURE BODIES, and I very DEFINITELY wanted my creature body, because without that there's nothing ELSE. I said that Bruce drove me up walls with his "The room is filling up with beings coming in for the session" and Amy with her "In previous lives you did this and in future lives you might get to this." I really got going now: "My desires are SO much more pressing because I feel that I HAVE to get to Afghanistan in this life because I don't HAVE any other," to which Alice replied "And THAT desire to get to Afghanistan may be BECAUSE you'd lived there before," to which I retorted "Maybe that's why I see so many places and say 'It's nice to visit but I wouldn't want to live here' because I HAVE lived here." And we both laughed. But AGAIN I said that I NOW have to come right up against the Human, since Winston is asking for it and she's asking for it, and I now have to experience it, rather than just taking it on faith. She said that fear of new experiences may block it, or my perfectionism may give me the image that I have to get a COMPLETE PERFECT picture of it on my FIRST observation, whereas I have to do these things GRADUALLY, STEP BY STEP, and I said for perhaps the THIRD time in sessions like this that I could AGAIN see the damage of grass or LSD, which was that they gave you the IMPRESSION of getting enlightened COMPLETELY and FOR ALL TIME, without ANY intermediate steps, and she said that the only sad thing was that you had to continue taking the drugs to continue that enlightenment. She ALSO added rather gratuitously that great seers CAN take LSD or strong drugs and "get stoned" in order to earthe something VERY SPECIFIC, and I rather wondered if I could ever get to that stage so that I could get something specific from it. Do RUSSELL or CAROL ANN take drugs like that? But Alice remained all encouragement: keep working on the Human, it IS good that the L&A directs my attention to this AS me, and she ALSO said that the Mental Body and Emotional Body and Perceptual Body was ALSO ME, as everything BELOW soul was part of MY personality, just as Archetypal, Angelic, and Soul were a triad ABOVE the personality, these three were a triad of INTERMEDIATE level, just as Field and Human and Creature body were a CURRENT triad of time-space, in which we operate, and she may have given ANOTHER triad if I were farther along to go with the Organ and Cell levels of being, but she kept having to draw herself up to consider where I was in the work, it seemed. Michael wasn't waiting outside when she left me assimilate at 2:35, but he came up about 2:45 and we both looked at the card the Group B had given her with a $50 gift certificate from the beauty shop with students' names in stars about the picture drawn of her on the card. Michael beamed and I said he had a fabulous session coming up, and I went into the living room and looked through some passages from Bailey's "Labors of Hercules" that she'd skimmed and found something saying that Aries is the house of Human existence, and I wouldn't know if she KNEW when my birthday was or NOT. THEN she also said that she found a lot of my perfectionism coming from my HUMAN, not from Brain-mind---though it was hard, it would seem, for the BOTH of us to accept the fact that EVERYTHING is essentially on the same level, since everything is INTERDEPENDENT, rather than DEPENDENT or INDEPENDENT, echoing what Russell said in his talk (Actualism 32), and everything seemed connected. She said I should continue to process tonight, but bring in my field-filling Ruby Red and Body-filling Wisdom for the trip outside. Stopped to find that Nasserallisha had gone out of business so I couldn't buy a copy of "Labors of Hercules" which seemed pretty good. Sitting there, hearing her tell me that I had to look to adventure with PLEASURE and HUMOR and anticipate growth with love and certainty, I felt nothing more certain than that I would continue in the work and look forward to the rest with joy. I said that THIS felt like a "sectionalizing" of my being so that I could better look at the parts: having gone from the "I" as brain-mind (which certainly isn't true now), to "I" as Creature Body (which began seeming false if only because of est's "I am not my body") to "I" as copilot (which started being only an observer but seems to have been strengthening toward the current "I") to "I" as the Human, so that I should THINK of myself as a human being, thus immortal, thus able to move outside my body, draw on inner wisdom, and laugh at the images furnishing fertilizer for the fruit of the garden.



She just CASUALLY mentions "Harmonize brain-mind with Incarnating Ego, and of course when I say 'harmonize' I mean 'open to.'" This is just what I needed: instead of pushing with effort at brain to adapt the frequency (whatever that meant) of IE, I think of brain-mind just OPENING, like a flower, like a lotus, to RECEIVE IE INTO it, and that seems SO effective that the next day I have a session in which I "open to" with all the components of personality and it REALLY seems to WORK, and it works so well on Saturday that I phone Alice and she phones back and I tell her "You have to promise you won't send me back to the beginning of Second Advanced," and she ends by saying "I'd put you ahead for that," and I can feel a bit of the warmth that would have led Linda Klau to say "I don't know what I'll do when Alice leaves, who could replace her?" and I had to admit to myself that she hadn't made herself THAT indispensable to my work in Actualism. But she DID seem to be reading my mind when she said we were NOT to be annoyed with Barbara's belching, because she did it WITHOUT forcing and she MAY be processing and eliminating FOR THE ENTIRE GROUP, thus doing us a service, and I thought immediately of Dennis's telling people around us in movies and plays to shut up before I would do it, doing it FOR ME and leaving it free for ME to REINFORCE it if they DON'T shut up. So I can see the movement that's taking place around me. Told Alice about my not liking Barbara's belching and SHE volunteered that someone ELSE in the class had come and COMPLAINED to her about it, so that she wasn't reading my mind, and had the wit to ADMIT it. She said she loved hearing sharing like that and we ended the conversation VERY amicably. Haven't had MUCH time to use that technique in the daily sessions, but it seems that things are going rather well, what with all the throwing out and reorganizing of files that's being done before the end of the year (even throwing out ballet programs so I can't say what was being DONE the evenings, I went to the Bolshoi or whatever), and that's not the IMPORTANT thing: if I want to see something OLD, that's just FINE, though movie titles still seem to hold their recorded importance.



Doing my session this morning takes 30 minutes to form hierarchy and 60 minutes to get through the mental level, which is just ridiculous, yet I don't feel that I can move any faster and it feels that actual WORK is being done that takes that much time, and I'm increasingly aware of how much I rip myself off from THE TIME AND MONEY THAT I DO devote to Actualism by not doing classes at home more frequently. Even after the great breakthrough about opening, which had made sessions INTERESTING for a change, I just don't sit down and spend the time with the lessons, feeling that other things are more important. Now SheLAH might say that I do what I HAVE to do, and that's as may be, but NOW I feel I WANT to do the sessions more often, so maybe THAT will take more precedence. Going through the mental I get images of how that's the level I have LEAST trouble with when it comes to desires, and was reminded of Bruce's telling me at Lenny's last night that I could submit some of the images (eating every morsel from the plate; I've lived half my life not being blind or crippled or unloved, so now I can spend the REST of my life in a position of disadvantage and still have my MEMORIES, and then the ideas that I AUTOMATICALLY fight Actualism when it talks about "true design" because I've LEARNED to fight when SOCIETY says that my sexual expression isn't moral or conscionable) to the fires, and when I get to the Emotional (after an hour in the session ALREADY) I feel that there's SO much there that I don't have time to get into it all, just time to come to some equilibrium, and then to the Perceptual, where I really DO need the work, hoping to spend enough time there in 10 minutes to at least come up to PAR for the course, and then to human and creature body (even getting the idea that since we ARE a human IN a creature body, it makes more SENSE to process them TOGETHER rather than taking them APART as we have been accustomed to doing in the PAST!), and when I finish after 100 minutes (from 8:25-10:15), I feel GOOD, though not as good as I could after a USUAL session when I'd done it for weeks, and WHERE's the time for doing the session in an ENERGY band, and WHERE's the time for the EYE sessions, and for the Reunion in Consciousnesses, and the Pelvic Bowl Unloadings, and the Potential sessions and then the WORK sessions during the DAY we should all have in order to be "sharpening our tools" as SheLAH said so "pointedly" last night!



1) First thing is clear: I DON'T want a Caribbean boat ride: stuck with the SAME crew making the SAME meals and sleeping in the SAME place when we're spending only a FEW hours on these foreign islands that I want to EAT AND SLEEP and experience more fully, and Amy says I should take it up with Adam.

2) Now I feel VAGUELY up to date with the work, enough to RUSH the mental and get to the others. Emotional brings up SADNESS FOR NOT GENERATING A CHILD, since I'm working in the generative band, and it's both a) Not giving a SOUL a good chance for an interesting life as my child, and b) Not giving ME a change of tempo from my self-indulgence. Amy's impressed with the insight.

3) On Perceptual, I get "Arthur, I wish I COULD create an image you could smile at at midnight mass and stay with Christmas eve; in fact, as God, I HAVE created someone for you, but YOU have to LOVE yourself GENUINELY enough to GET him by putting yourself out in a more humane, compliant way."

4) Get horny and actually JERK OFF during perceptual, which is a KICK.

5) I CHANNEL energy FROM the soul (unobstructed) to the networks, so I exhaust NOTHING of my OWN energies, which I'd feared doing before.

6) The Perceptual is NOT ONLY receptive (as SheLAH had turned me on to), which is ACCEPTING, which I really needed at a certain point, but it's also MAGNETIC, which is wanting/desiring/PULLING perceptions toward me. So I can strengthen and remove perceptual clamps and emphasize and move into what's THERE for everyone else and ACTUALIZE THE POTENTIAL that everyone seems to say that I possess and which I seem to feel more and more of, particularly with the effective aura-reading at Amy's. But poor Amy's having to turn Bruce down flatly for trance-training, puts me off for brunch, saying I can just come over to enjoy a fire and chat for a few hours (so I phone Paul and get re-invited for actual DINNER, bringing 3 bottles of Greyman), and Bruce says Pat and Dorothy and John are "working something out" with the group, and the afternoon is filled with telephone calls and getting ready for 6:30, and I did my session from 10:55 (when I woke) to 1:30, then had the rest of the chicken, talked on the phone, and finally VACUUMED at 4 pm, getting done by 5:30 to shower and turn down Arthur from staying here overnight, and get into the busy pleasurable Christmas Eve celebrations (see NOTEBOOK 180).



Though they were on 1/9 and 1/16, my lack of understanding has been so complete that I think to type the pages only now, though I took notes on the 17th about some of the details from the class on the 16th. During the first class I "understood" nothing, thinking that my brain-mind might have totally turned off so that "understanding" could come into my mental body, whose relationship with brain-mind I have no understanding of. But I FORGOT the most important facet, besides the LOVING understanding: that understanding COMES after action and experience and DOING, not BEFORE that, so I'm OK! Notes from the practice session, pretty good, on 1/17 about 1/16 class:

1) Pieces are INTERdependent, not dependent or independent of each other.

2) Dynamic can valuably be thought of as HE; magnetic as SHE; even though HE should never act without being supported by HER structures, and SHE shouldn't structure without HIS actions and activity and support.

3) We OBJECTIFY pieces to WORK with them, but we ARE the whole, one, INTERDEPENDENT.

4) We merged with the Planetary Logos (and Alice told Margaret not to get into Kumara at all), the "individual" of our planet.

5) LOVING understanding is the key for ourselves and others.

6) Understanding comes, not BEFORE, but AFTER doing and testing and experiencing.

7) Personality recognition CAME TO BE when it was realized that it was difficult or impossible to go DIRECTLY from images to the Being of Light. This enables us to work with the PIECES of the ME that's caught in the images.

8) The aim, eventually, is to process DURING life---from eyes closed to eyes open to processing as we GO, making LIFE a processing, since we CHOSE this trip through the earth-plane so that we WOULD have a body and we COULD earthe.

9) FEEL the earthed WALK and THROUGH LIVING through your open-footed seats and feet.

10) You CAN interrupt your session for a phone call, just withdraw your attention and then go back when you're finished; though you can't do an entire SESSION talking with someone else on the telephone.

11) Needn't REFORM Hierarchy FROM SCRATCH before each class, but make sure that everything's HARMONIZED and ready to work with GREATER INTENSITY.



She's studying the excellent Ciba book on the Nervous System, showing me what they know about the hypothalamus, almost usurping the pituitary as king of the body, and we quickly gather and I mention that SHE always gives me a kick with the "return of love and gratitude" so I probably don't do it enough in my OWN sessions, and she repeats this a lot, adding a lot of "open to" from before, so she's really TRYING to do her best for me. I have a good session, saying that I'm so PLEASED with the coincidence between Center 15 work on understanding and this on the hypothalamus, which ALSO seems to be saying "DO, and figure it out later: SEE and FEEL, and then THINK when you have all the data in." I say I think WE have dynamite sessions, but get a feeling of the RICHNESS of the world when I of course realize that EVERYONE who has the sessions feels privileged, and powerful, and close to Alice. She agrees. She mentions "dark forces" a couple of times and I bite: "How POWERFUL are these?" She says "Of course, above the Mental Body, at Soul and above, there's no low frequency." So I tell her I'm relieved that there are no "Dark Souls, Dark Angels, Dark Archetypes, Gehenna Consciousness aligned against Eden Consciousness." No, only individual power, though we're NOW battling Armageddon with forces of light against forces of darkness who would foist lack of freedom, total subservience, even total destruction FOR power. She comments (reminding me of Amy's comment that Actualism may be only an image system, somewhat better than others) that she feels TV may be transmitting subliminal messages to buy or do evil under its mindless pap, and I think of "buy" messages under store's Muzak, but I DON'T think I believe it and can't think of any easy way to prove it, though if telerecorders can SLOW the action they can SEE if there are too-fast images there. We chat about Dennis, she saying I'm right not to equate his illness with dropping out of Actualism (because he doesn't want to be structured, thinks he doesn't need it, thinks it's OK for ME but not for HIM) NOW, but I may get into it later. She says "Things just come up" and I say that some of my "random" talks may be getting me closer to resistances and blockages (particularly about PAST LIVES, which she says should be strong, and I say that the connection with PRESENT lives is stronger for me). She says the Acceptance is fine so long as there IS discrimination between better and worse, though not JUDGMENT of Good versus Evil applied as quickly as I do: the project of the world: Higher Will not earthed yet as REASON.



1) Balance---absorbing entertainment versus writing. Alice---maybe I'm just digesting information and planning to work and act?

2) Impatience---I want to rush BOTH good and bad events. Alice: that makes me irritable and frustrated. Absolutely.

3) I want to "live at the end of the story, at the climax of the symphony, during the 'happily ever after' of the fairy tale." Dennis: boring, need change and contrast.

4) My demand to BE right and HAVE BEEN right! Then I touch that JOY when the archetypal Cosmic Mother or Cosmic Father embraces me and says "You're OK, you did fine," and Alice: "Get that loving acknowledgement from your Immortal and give it back to the immortal, and you'll NEVER lack love."

5) Come from SCARCITY, not enough TIME to do all I want, so I want to do it all NOW, without WAITING, without being denied ANYTHING, with even PLANNING.

6) I want to have pleasure ALL the time and also to WORK all the time. Alice---90% of people should have such simple problems, since most aren't motivated to act in ANY way. Me: I lay AWAKE nights THINKING of such trivial problems that I MUST be afraid of using my powers and moving to new territory. Alice: You ARE moving, so ACKNOWLEDGE it.

7) She asked me if I noticed third-eye activity and I had to say yes that I notice SOMETHING, rather like a cord between the two areas, and she said she saw it and wanted ME to tune into it.

8) I get that sensation of a large room again, thinking I'm THIS MUCH from enlightenment, that everyone's JUST NEAR THERE, and she laughs and agrees.



HARD time falling asleep---good Pouligny-Montrachat white burgundy at Hubert's, and then home for Dennis to be tired and up to read "Mind as Nature" by Eiseley and "Dungeons and Dragons Player's Manual" because I don't feel like sleep, and THINK of Kathryn Falk finding a place to publish EVERYTHING, building me up as a GREAT writer to print ALL the books, and I can drop indexing and LITERALLY live as I'd love to: traveling, writing, EXPERIENCING, being famous and sought after for movies of the books (and to direct them and ACT in them) and for TV talk shows, and I develop a DYNAMITE singing voice (as in Central Park snows of the late 50's) and STILL want to write, and write about NEW joys of being a success and I think---why not WRITE AS IF that were true NOW and see what comes OUT?! And my ANTICIPATION just keeps my MIND turning and AWAKE!

Also think of, at last, writing an ANALOGY in SOUND to Actualism's LIGHT energies, so that students MAKE sounds to ACTUALLY SET UP different PHYSICAL vibrations in body to PHYSICALLY alter and affect brain cells and activities and ESP and telepathic and telekinetic powers. And groups form CHORDS and learn to fight RADIATION and EVIL by LITERALLY changing its frequency from harm to good---AND IT THEN TURNS OUT TO WORK!!!

OR I become known as BIG GURU, because I then teach LIVING as I teach INDEXING.

AGAIN think (at 7:30 am) (did I write this already?) of NOW writing what ALL we lose in war: dentists and doctors (I did, see NOTEBOOK 211!)---DID write this! But if I can "predict" awfulness, do it for the PUBLICITY and GLORY.

Then, after thinking of INDEXING stuff, write at 8 am: Can't go back to sleep---I put out 10 cards to write on, and wrote 3 for night notes (above), 1 for dream notes, 1 for indexing book, 3 for indexes of the indexing book, and 1 for THIS note card and 1 for the LOOK of the indexing book. So much for the 10 cards, and so much for the 30 lines on this page, though I only managed to get to 28 on the last line, and 29th for THIS line.


CRIF#7 - PINEAL (2/19)

Alice asked me in class last night what I had last in the Cranial IF sequence, and I really couldn't remember, saying that I recalled she said that NEXT time we'd have some interbrain crossroads, and she said that FOLLOWING the crossroads there'd be two sessions on each hemisphere, which she didn't want to break up, but that it was OK for me to miss a session after the interbrain session. She says to keep track of them on the calendar by CRIF, so I adapt that numbering, and Bruce is in a different SEQUENCE, saying he's had the first or second or third of the Trifacial nerves and his life is changing around (he's experiencing amnesia, not knowing where he is or what his surroundings had been like---merely) (but that's rather "per usual" with Bruce), and he mentioned that Alice said MANY lives were changing around, that the CRIF series was VERY powerful, and I find that I didn't devote a page to the pineal---except as I remember there wasn't much to SAY about it. She started by telling me about her brother's death, how he'd been dead for 2 days before his addled wife said "There might be something wrong with him" to a delivery boy. She accepted going to a hospital, various aunts and even Alice had thrown up their hands, and then it turns out SHE had a brain tumor so it was "medical" rather than "mental," her addled condition. She showed me whatever pictures of the pineal were available and I told her about the story I wrote about its hyperactivity causing premature adulthood back in 1951, and we got into it, and I babbled a bit at the start, and then just went through, blazing up the suns when I felt denial and "What am I DOING here" coming in, but there didn't seem to be too much to say, and I wanted to get out on time for the indexing meeting, and in fact GOT out at 2:40 and walked across the park to get to Andre's JUST at 3, when only Barbara and Dennis had arrived, so it worked out on the OUTER, though I didn't make much sense of what was going on in the inner on THIS IF. She seemed to be doing a lot of reading, and I vaguely thought when I contemplated canceling a session because of my trip that it would be GOOD to let her start on someone close, giving ME a chance to get some EARTHED processing and observations from her, rather than "Oh, that's included in it too, I get" as she does me as her FIRST freeing.



This could possibly be the clearing that I wasn't terribly impressed with when Lea gave it to me, though I seem to remember more twists of the whole body than was here. I THOUGHT he'd said #1 was top-of-body-oriented and #2 was bottom-of-body-oriented, but when, after the gathering at the top of the head, I mentioned that it's too bad my legs weren't being concentrated on, he said that #1 DID concentrate on the bottom of the body. But it seemed in general like an expanded version of the Leg and Arm Pull, though he only pulled the WHOLE leg and arm, without going into each of the joints. He really HURT when he pushed the leg double on itself so that I could feel the stinging strain at the front of the thigh enough to make me "yiii." And then when he pulled off the toes, he pulled SO hard that the skin at the back of the three smallest toes on the right foot were the only area of discomfort at the end when he said to report on how I felt. I was surprised to sense that the back of my neck was very limp when he kneaded the muscles there, but there was still that KNOT at the joint of my neck and back and shoulders that's there even now as I type. At the start it didn't seem like he was really exerting himself for any reason, but toward the end, when he got to me, I figured he was giving it all it was worth, yet there was a curious lack of DEPTH to it---though he could have been off and I could have been off or we both could have been off and I wasn't sensing what was REALLY going on in the session at ALL. Once or twice sort of wondered if I could "sense" the human, but when I tried directing my attention there, there was nothing aside from the regular tingles and twinges that I usually feel. DID feel very relaxed at the end of it, however, so it wasn't a complete waste, but I feel more relieved after a good NHS. Might try the #2 to see how it differs. His working around the buttocks seemed curiously non-pressured, he did almost nothing with the back, but at least I didn't get any leg or foot cramps WHILE he was working on me, as I'd gotten for a few days before, and as I got when I was typing the first part of this page---causing me to have to stand up to relieve the typical one under my right thigh.



I call it "Grand Central Station" and there's a long silence after she reads me what there is to read, and I say I LIKE the idea of balancing and getting rid of tension, since I've lately gotten hooked into a previous pattern of being afraid to fly, planning for my vacation, and I'm no longer living quite so much from day-to-day, but I'm PLANNING and find my mind slipping back into old habits. Alice remains rather noncommittal. Then more silence and I say I picture myself merging with the pilots (which she says is a good idea) and reminding myself Rebekah said the human and field LOVED to fly. Later Alice asked if I experienced anything, saying that LOTS was going on in the nature of releases (I'd talked about releases earlier, saying that paradoxically, as mind-expansion programs said that anger and fear and love should be expressed MORE openly, I found expressing anger openly in ACTUALISM isn't good, but I fear only REPRESSING it. She agrees that's to be feared, but also agrees that having to INDULGE in the "thickness and juiciness" of the low-frequency processing isn't good---just PROCESS and LET GO OF IT), and she said after that she thought I'd be getting lots of realizations of good work done. I said I felt neither obstruction nor lightness in the area, though she DID permit me to feel "buzzing" in the area when she described the eyes, the third eye, the forebrain, and the optic nerves all involved in a major restructuring of my feelings and sensations. I felt that it was a quiet session, so when she said she was sorry when people put too much emphasis on earlier lives (even to saying that she thinks Russell now regrets AGREEING with her when she "saw" that he'd been GREAT things in prior lives), and we agreed we could start from THERE, I told her of seeing Amy about Guatemala, and she DOES pin it down by saying that I should look inside ME for information, not inside HER; trust MY intuition at least as much as I trust hers, though she quickly added she wasn't saying I CAN'T do that. She also asked me to look AGAIN at the fear of death, and I said it was more because it was UNKNOWN, though it was paradoxical that I LIKE life so much I'm sorry to feel that I'm getting "off the wheel" and she said that may be old-style thinking: I may ALREADY be off the wheel and CHOOSE to return to do this great work that I'm involved in, which PROVES I've got a lot going for me, and SHE adds a bit to the idealized images she says I'm making for AMY. Still an interesting enough session to be worth $30, and even told Lea I can't train her at ALL.



Notes I took for the REPORT, since I feared I'd FORGET lots of these:

1. This was the CLEAREST tape of all; I actually SENSED and FELT reactions.

2. I felt/experienced "unlightened relationships" AS "sad and heavy" before he actually USED THOSE WORDS.

3. MENTAL rigidities AGAIN echoes the work I'm currently doing in the Cranial IF's.

4. Lovingly accept the loving acceptance---that thought is important to me. Then I have a list of questions:

1. Do I do the realignments in DAILY sessions, and about a MONTH later (4/16) it becomes VERY important, since the "alignments" that I'd thought of as just moving around building blocks to be sure one was below the other, seemed to grow into ALIGNING FOR PURPOSE and INTENTION, and BALANCING the interdependence of mental/emotional/perceptual that I NEEDED SO BADLY.

2. What does Russell mean by phrase "Human world"? And Alice says "just that."

3. IS it the Perceptual/Emotional/Mental BODY OF PLANET? And Alice says "Yes," as if she'd ALWAYS said it was "Yes," though I DO remember her telling me it was NO back when I asked her once after one of Winston's blasts long ago.

4. Center 17 in POTENTIAL---she said that everyone has the POTENTIAL for Center 17, but it's not LIT so it's not USED in most people---like the field, I guess.

5. Is the Planetary Hierarchy PEOPLE or is it COMPONENTS like OUR hierarchy is? She said they were BEINGS, but that we didn't have to worry about WHO they were.

6. Is the Earth CENTER only 14 feet down? I didn't ask this, and since she praised my OTHER questions as being GOOD, I figured that since I DIDN'T ask this one, it was probably bad---but then on 4/19 I DID come up with ANOTHER flash about the REAL earth center, the one where the Spiritual Atomic Explosions way back in BASIC were launched to (see ACTUALISM 51).



1) I'm revving up and zooming down the CVA from 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0, 10---when I say WAIT A MINUTE, that FOLLOWS NUMERICALLY: 0 IS numerically after 9 and before 1, so I feel a new sense of its APPROPRIATENESS there.

2) Then, since there's a 0 above THAT "1" (which is 10), there's probably an UPPER ZERO above the "1" (which is 1), which was where I thought the Center Zero that I was intuiting would be. So maybe there STILL is!

3) Then there probably IS an EARTH center 18 (for the Spiritual Atomic Explosions (see ACTUALISM 50, also), which would ROUND OUT the scheme very nicely:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

4) Going ahead a stepss, the UPPER zero (if 18 is EARTH center zero) would be SOLAR ZERO, and I immediately think of Bailey's "Initiations Human and Solar" and look back to find that the HUMAN was given just before the initiation into FIRST advanced, so maybe the SOLAR will be given just before initiation into THIRD advanced.

5) Then the LOWER ZERO would have to be something like a UNIVERSE CENTER, which may be the introduction into FIFTH advanced. Mentioned all this to Bruce and he said he hadn't heard anything about any of this YET.

5) THEN I thought about the expansion of the brain-centers: "upper" for molecular and "lower" for "most basic" (atoms before, quarks now, infitrons later). Worried about leaving OUT atoms, but then sense that EACH step leaves out one between

FRONT - Human
--- - Human ELEMENTS/pieces (arms/legs/head/etc)
BACK - Body
--- - Body ELEMENTS/pieces (arms/legs/head/etc)
LEFT - Organs
--- - Organ ELEMENTS/pieces (muscles/ventricles/ligaments/lobes/etc)
RIGHT - Cells
--- - Cell ELEMENTS/pieces (nucleolus/nucleus/organelles/cytoplasm/etc)
UPPER - Molecules
--- - Molecular ELEMENTS/pieces (atoms/protons/neutrons/electrons/
LOWER - Infitrons (or whatever the LOWEST pieces might happen to be named



Alice keeps talking about SOUL, and I say "I know about Soul LEVEL (that to which we rise for the first level of unobstructed dimension in our beingness---though this isn't clear until later), and Soul LIGHT (the light from the Soul Level, which I think of as sort of divine light pervading the universe if we only clear the veils away) and the Soul POWER RAY (which we have along with the others on the DCA, despite the fact, as I said when she asked if we thought of it as remote, that we don't have a SUN for the Soul Power Ray, the only energy (except the White Star, of course) for which we now DON'T have a sun), but I don't know about the SOUL." She defines it after a preamble as the Soul Level of our Beingness, which means something to me, bringing "that level above me" into something that is as interpenetrating as the Human and the Field. "Could you say that Incarnating Ego and the Soul are interdependent?" I asked after she assigned the Soul to the Fifth Kingdom, where the only OTHER thing I know about is Incarnating Ego, but I feared to ask too much, lest she say I was only building up my images. In the Sensory-Mental lifebelt with the Soul Power Ray my mind wandered a LOT (over the trip to Mexico, over indexing the Cumulative, over the amount of good work I did the last few days, over the indexing book), which I took to be a measure of resistance, and it's like ANOTHER part of myself that I have to contend with: as Maya reported: Brian kept saying to Soul: I wish I had YOUR job, you just sit there, unobstructed, and I have to put up with all this STUFF! Alice said that it was at THIS level that we were ALL BEAUTY, ALL TRUTH, ALL LOVE, and THAT was rather nice, thinking of opening to that level of our existence. She said that we now have 6 preps which used to be part of Third which are now at the end of Second, and Bruce said there seemed to be all KINDS of extra sessions, though he's quite sure he's into Third, that he HAD heard a rumor about his group combining with the one ahead, that California was moving quicker than we were, that New York certainly added lots of activation, and that he might be taking a COBOL Systems class. I just knew that I probably had a lot of processing to do in the week before the penultimate "Last of three classes" by Alice before she leaves.



Alice announces that this session is the one most people fall asleep at (and thus creates the area in which we all start nodding?), the "counting" session in which Russell leads us in Soul Light infusion in ALL centers at once at each level of being, lighting up ALL the networks in ALL the centers at once, stepping up the power a new level. So she put on the tape, we gathered, and the countdown of numbers began, and in truth I DID go off. Mara had reported that SHE would go off on the networks before, and Alice said that we were only to turn OUR energy over to Planetary Hierarchy THROUGH the networks, no more. When Alice was reviewing the session at the end, I took notes: Crosses of light at EACH CENTER, and the Ring-Pass-Not is on the rim of the field AND on the planetary level together (whatever THAT means!), with Subtle Warrior on the outside, Red-Gold next, and then Radiant Warrior on the inner.

1) Gather and enlighten awareness as always, from Hierarchy, move to Center 9.

2) Light the DCA with ALL the power rays, and move UP the Vertical FA of 9 to SOUL.

3) Expand Enlightened awareness throughout 1-17, for full soul infusion.

4) Simultaneously come down to Mental, aware of lighted networks at EVERY center.

5) In to Emotional, Perceptual, Human and Creature levels, repeating process.

6) You CAN beam in six directions from EACH center, if you like, submitting energy transmitted to the Planetary Hierarchy and Immortals.

7) Look for PERSONAL OBSTRUCTIONS to the flow of soul light, and look for High Frequency.

8) Balance and align all centers under the soul level OR do it as you come OUT of the session, aligning all parts of all bodies under parts of SOUL body.


10) Hierarchy REMAINS in 9 up and back; Enlightened Awareness goes up 1-17 (and 0). Ring-Pass-Not WILL fall into abeyance until revved up. Put on Double Sigil to go home WITHIN Ring-Pass-Not. Radiant Warrior's home is Center 10, with REGENERATIVE. For Intros, put the Monadic Power ray in 2 and have the star lit. Doesn't MATTER if low frequency is yours or mass-mind's---it's probably part of BOTH, so just LIFT it, unless you're very interesting in seeing where it is. Sessions turned out to be MUCH more enlightening than the LESSON, though almost EVERYONE said they had confidence that the IMMORTAL was taking care of it for them, even though THEY didn't have the awareness while it was going on.



I MAY be going a BIT beyond the framework for the session, but I feel good looking AT the soul body not as a level but AS a body, and emotionally it feels energizing and pleasant and perceptually it's not a downer, but I have a cold so I phone Alice to see if I might not be overloading and bringing myself TOO quickly along. But the BODIES feel much more "together" than they ever have before: the mental FEELS like an entity of its own, the emotional seems more fragmented and ragged, which seems appropriate, and the perceptual is hardly there at all---yet there seems to be a matrix on which to BUILD, and AGAIN I wonder back to the session with Lois where she talked of the matrix as being SMALLER than the body, whereas the human was BIGGER then the body, and I STILL wonder if there isn't a matrix level---though I guess Alice would say that was an image. THEN I got the brilliant idea that a WORKING soul-infusion of these bodies would make THEM unobstructed, as Soul level is unobstructed, and I get a feeling that the Mental MIGHT be relatively unobstructed, the Emotional quite obstructed, and the Perceptual so vaguely there that I can't tell. Was interesting also to think of the emotional-perceptual components of the mental level, the mental-perceptual components of the emotional level, and the mental-emotional components of the perceptual level, as well as the SEPARATE components of the SEPARATED human and creature-body levels, which felt like it gave results. My stomach gurgled continuously throughout the session, and I kept telling myself to assimilate so that this would seem to STICK. I kept thinking that I'd merely been BRAINWASHED after 5 years in the movement, but that didn't MATTER: I DID feel better about myself because of it, it DOES seem fruitful to think of these different levels. and if I'd thought MONTHS ago about the soul-infusion as making each level UNOBSTRUCTED, it might be such a hassle of "how could I do THAT?" as to be impossible. Like the information about the Soul: when I ASKED about it, it seemed OK, but if Alice had GIVEN all that stuff as information and DATA, it might have been more strongly resisted by my preconceptions than it was when I wanted to know about it. Also like a FEELING level to the group, heightened by Mara and increased by Elliott's hyper-mental-conceptual influence LEAVING in two more sessions.



The COUNTER-clockwise spinning Cosmic Father dome DOES feel a bit dizzying in class, but when she says this motion shouldn't be used when WE'RE in motion, I figure I won't be using it much for processing during the trip, so I merely expand it and raise the frequency of everyone on the plane or bus. I'm rather surprised that I'm left with Cosmic FATHER during the vacation rather than with Cosmic MOTHER. Return having done little sessions, and Margaret's report to Crystal about working very hard, and Crystal's talk about the "automatic Pilot" (which others say has been mentioned before, but I get a great thrill that she has spilled the beans about the next direction in the processing, to make it all AUTOMATIC, rather than brain-mind controlled) gives me the courage to say that I'd FELT as if I were on automatic pilot through the trip, and it was helped by that. She then modified it to say that we sometimes get into situations that "expand our limits" and bring us to new levels of understanding, as my "I believe" seems to have done. The class loves it. I should have realized that there would be a "parallel" between the Cosmic Father and the Cosmic Mother processing of old garments, robes, and skins, and that takes us through all the preparations for Third Advanced. In their custom of "saying what's going to happen," Crystal then, in the last prep, said that initiation, on the 1st of August, would consist of throwing the last vestiges of old robes out, so "as a rehearsal" we did the same thing with Cosmic Mother that we did with Cosmic Father: enlarged the tool and denuded our higher-frequency bodies and then bathed those naked bodies in Gold or Silver essence. Quite a laugh that the third initiates in Texas thought they had to denude their PHYSICAL bodies in class! I asked "Do we consider our physical bodies AS an old garment?" and she seems to misinterpret that I DON'T like it in the flavor of her response that we have to HARMONIZE that body and LIVE with the animal qualities of it, rather than wanting to get RID of it. I had not much experience in most of these sessions, vaguely apprehensive of how much everyone else seemed to be SEEING who they were working with and what garments they were discarding---and I FORGOT the Cosmic Mother process (see next page).



Went into class fearing being asked to report, but she said some things and asked for POSITIVE reports, so I said nothing, having planned to say that I felt the "silver daggers" were MENACING and THREATENING. I was relieved when Margaret then gave her report about FORGIVENESS and I remembered that THAT was what the lesson HAD been about (and effectively forgotten by me), so I was glad I didn't talk about the MENACE and THREAT of FORGIVING or BEING FORGIVEN! Crystal likes to talk about broad pictures (see next page), and when we got into the Cosmic Mother disrobing I was so activated by her insistence on the CORPOREALITY of the Mental Body and Emotional Body and Perceptual Body that I experienced almost nothing until she began describing the lushness of this ROOM at the Emotional level, with its 3-inch carpets, and I felt the carpeting continue up into the chairs, which felt lush and voluptuous. (Remember NOW that I'd gotten a SWEET smell in the first class with her, which she was pleased at, saying Cosmic Mother DID have a sweet smell.) When she talked about us having to get through ANIMAL skins, to come to peace with our sexuality, I felt that I had to get through an OVERLY CULTIVATED HUMAN skin so that I could ENJOY the sensuality of sex more easily, and she seemed pleased when I reported that. When she talked of the victims being ready for the "poor me" syndrome, I found myself thinking of myself as a BULLY WITH DENNIS, which would make HIM into a victim all by itself, regardless of whether he was capable or NOT. Talked with him about that afterwards, and he seemed to think there might be something to it, though he said I'd changed in many ways, becoming easier, since I've known him. Margaret gave a dynamite report about being dressed in frills as a Southern belle THEN being a man guided into a pool by naked beautiful maidens, so I said "I don't know if I can follow the report of Scarlett O'Heffner here." She said we should wear something cool and beautiful for the initiation, and reminded us again that our letters should be in soon, so I've got to get to THAT pretty soon. She was with cane from stubbing her toe on a chair leg Tuesday morning in her room, putting it up on a speaker later. Instant karma??



She seems to love to talk: about her wedding at the beginning of the summer session in the desert, pictures on the bulletin board; about our future: saying that our initiation would be in two parts, as would our first class, though it wasn't so much a TEST as a verification of what we'd ALREADY done through second. So we shouldn't be afraid, which I hadn't been. At the start she mentioned the "difficulties" of the upcoming decade, though it wasn't anything that we should be worried about, saying that California wouldn't sink but that much of it would even RISE if anything happened! She talked of us, now advancing onto third advanced, as being off the "personal wheel of karma" and into an area of "instant karma" whereby we'd feel some sort of physical sensation (she feels a spinning behind her third eye) and know we were doing something wrong, and then be HIT with something physical if we continued. She talked a lot about drugs: a lot of thirds and fourths going back into marijuana (and she mentioned the gooiness in the neuronal synapses from that, saying that lots of it HAD been processed, but that she gave a special 2-hour $40 session in a Drug Trackout which would be a good thing to have, new this season), and many of them having problems with alcohol: a husband losing his business and his wife to a nervous breakdown, she having it because she knew and wouldn't tell anyone about it. She advocated that we strongly inform anyone we know who was indulging, and finally said that we'd have to tell them we were going to tell the teachers. She said she was too young to be motherly toward us (though the black she wore the FIRST night was offset by the white and pink the second night), but if she had to be harsh she could be. At times she looked a lot like Linda and at times quite like herself: laudably cool and distanced, demonstrably nonjudgmental, humor-filled in a more casual way than Alice's belly laughs. She said Joan Ann and Elaine would be giving body sessions IN center, they might have to get more rooms, they MIGHT ask for another teacher, though there isn't one readily available, and for "centrality" they're doing only "staff" work on some days and "body" work on other days---which seems silly if they don't have enough space for sessions ALL of one type. A new era.



He's smooth-faced and bulky without being sexy, and he expresses interest in my working with books (he'd done indexes of his own in some biological field, but hated doing them, pleased that there were professionals who enjoyed doing it), seemed to read most of the directions from his notebook for the Identity Freeing, but observed some good things: when I said I felt there was something overhead, he used the word "cap" which I thought to be accurate. When I complained about something hurting me in the side of the head, he just said that I should bring enlightened awareness there and, without judging or indulging in possibilities, I did it and the hurt vanished quickly. I made observations about feeling cramped in the feet and opening them for processing, and he seemed to agree. He opened it by saying that the Optic Nerves (he started by talking of the optic TCHAI-asm, which I said I THOUGHT was KI-asm, which he picked up, but then started ALTERNATING pronunciations on words he wasn't sure of) were connected with the EMOTIONAL system, so I felt lots of tears which I didn't explain were joyful, merely said were simple combinations of worthlessness quickly turned into aggrandizement. so I had to find the middle road between them. He said he didn't want much talking, though he agreed that I should report on what sensations I had if I figured I needed work on my perceptual level, except that every so often he would ask how I was doing. He asked more than a few times, and since each time led to a detailed discussion, we were talking somewhat more than half the time, though nowhere near the nonstop talking I've sometimes had with Alice. He gave a back-knead when I talked of the constriction in my back; gave a good brisk brushdown, and we hugged with pressure and undifferentiation-of-parts-of-body which went so fast I was hardly able to get an idea of what he felt like. Used lots of tissues, he was smiling a lot at the end, and when he announced his burping he went into SUCH deep rumbling burps I thought he must be very proud of them indeed. I won't mind working with him for the next few years---even started getting into the frustrations of LOOKING and not being able to DO anything about it. He'd seen my AD for editorial services in the notebook, but had to be told that I was just finishing the preps for Third Advanced so he'd tell my centers.



Problems with the picnic on the 9th (later cancelled) take until 7:30, and again she bypasses initial reports and gets right into the processing, saying that she's found the WORST human-creature relationships between bodies where DRUGS have been used: "Sometimes they're not even in the same ROOM." She goes UPWARD this time, which seems somehow better, but she's again so CONCRETE with her experiences of spinning the axis and lighting the sigil and using both pink and orange ("sparkling, delightful" so different from my popsicle-y watery orange) that I bring up RESISTANCE and DISBELIEF strongly. She states strongly that the POINT is to bring up low frequency, we've SAT in low frequency most of our lives, so here we should learn to sit in low frequency (in order to PROCESS it) with comparative equanimity. I get uncomfortable because I've been sitting all DAY! 16 is earth-elements, 15 is POWER to move, 14 is DESIRE to move, 13 is WILL to move, 12 is MOVEMENT, and then the colors of the indwelling suns combine with the two working suns to light relationship lines between that center and all others. Iron out the barbed-wire tangles of these relationship lines. May process in all the adjacent organs and structures. Process more quickly in EACH center, or very quickly in all centers but one or two chosen one each time. I report resistance and nothing much until center 4, where I experience a cat-monkey-like creature leaping about in my brain trying to make connections. There's great relief after we have a short break, but lots of heat towards the ends of the segments. Mara and Michael cry very distinctly and emotionally through some of the processing. Barbara declares that this is her last session with us, and I have the courage to say we spend the TIME UNDOING it, where I want the joy of DOING it, and she says that's the TRUTH of the processing way. Everyone commends her poetic statements, she attributed it to the working of the light, saying that it WAS a lighter session than it has been for groups in the past, but that it still needs a lot of work. I feel "light" when I leave, still avoiding Meg, noticing even more how Margaret and Marilyn seem so UNinterested in some of the female reports, as if they can't STAND them at ALL. Maureen confesses to great problems and confusions, Crystal saying they'll have to work with them in special sessions.



July 27, 1980

TO: The Actualism Staff
FROM: Bob Zolnerzak
RE: Report prior to entering Third Advanced

The report prior to entering Second Advanced seemed harder for me to do. I was concerned about "making a good impression" and "wanting to stay in the work." So I had to say "the right things." It's not that this report isn't important; it's just that it's something that happens just as many other things happen: naturally, at the right time, as it will.

A big "turning point" in the way I handle my place in the world came in March, 1979, based to a great extent on insights gained through Actualism: I stopped keeping exhaustive lists of things to do, and I stopped keeping a day-to-day journal which had given me a sense of "having done something useful with my time." I had tried giving up either or both crutches at various times in the past, but I had returned when the anxieties that came up when I didn't do them became greater than any benefits I felt I might gain by giving them up. True, there were times after March, 1979, when I thought I might return to the lists and the journals (and I did make lists of things to do before I left on a one-month vacation and what to take on that vacation---and I do keep notes on important events in my social and psychological life), but after over a year away from them I can say that I'm more "free" now than I was before.

Another big change: prior to eleven years ago, all my travel had been done alone. I enjoyed the freedom being alone gave me, and I "knew" that I'd never be able to find anyone who would be comfortable with me, and with whom I would be comfortable, during a long trip. Then a very long trip with someone was so successful that we decided to live together and make permanent the wonderful time we had during our four-months' trip. Even after that relationship broke up, I felt it was better to travel with someone than to travel alone. But my current friend doesn't have much money and doesn't put travel very high on his priority, so I found that I wasn't traveling at all. In March, 1980, I took a two-week vacation alone for the first time in eleven years, and I just loved it. Met lots of people, exchanged travel tales, shared meals and cars and accommodations, and regained the perspective that traveling alone can be much more adventurous on a personal-encounter level than traveling with a constant companion. During June and July, 1980, I traveled for four weeks alone and retained the spirit of adventure and discovery. Now I know that travel can be pleasant either way.

"Better of worse." In my work as an indexer of books, I must constantly judge whether an item should be included or excluded from the index. I tend to carry that judgment into everyday life: should I be doing this, should I be avoiding that, what could I be doing now that would be better than what I'm doing now. VERY often that judgment is overemphasized to a psychologically narrowing judgmentalism that seems to be my major project at this point. Beginnings were made during Second Advanced, but advances to date have merely pointed out how pandemic my judgmentalism is. Won't I be surprised when a major focus of Third Advanced centers around judgmentalism?

Work AS A GROUP, for me, seems to have hit a relatively low point. There have been times in the past when I got an extraordinary sense of my group working AS a group in a particular session, with great benefit to my concept of the possibilities of group operation. Recently, however, the number of males in the group has been reduced to two because of Elliott Grumer's recent departure for the West Coast, and now a particular friend (and support in the group) in the person of Barbara Lea has had to leave the group because her performances conflict with our upcoming Friday night slot. Too bad she and the group couldn't have worked out, for example, an afternoon slot on the weekend. Then too, recently, I've "judgmentalized" attitudes among members of the group that make it seem divisive rather than cohesive. Perhaps this is simply the uncovering of another major project for me in Third Advanced.

On the other hand, INDIVIDUAL work has never been so spectacularly successful. To cite two recent examples: an old habit of intolerance and impatience rose fully to the surface in a bank transaction a month ago. I found myself raising my voice and demanding a service in a MOST offensive way. In an instant I realized this was NOT the way to act; I called in Cosmic Mother, did some quick processing, and in less than three minutes, with my desired service effortlessly effected by a bank teller, that teller complimented me on my patience when "most people would become very angry," as he put it. Brain-mind was totally floored. The second example involves a flight to Point Barrow that absolutely everyone said was totally impossible for me minutes before the flight: even in the highly unlikely circumstance that I could get a seat on the flight TO Point Barrow, I would definitely not get a seat on the flight OUT of Point Barrow. Here I called on Cosmic Father---actually to help ME to feel better in the face of this disappointment. My joy a few minutes later on the way TO Point Barrow was definitely overshadowed a number of hours later on my way OUT of Point Barrow, having found THE perfect seat (on a jammed plane) which gave me a view down over the paisley-patterned pack ice of the Arctic Ocean that was so beautiful that I found tears streaming down my face; in a positive ECSTASY of emotion I could only think to myself "I believe, I believe, I believe." There were (and are) many other positive experiences, but I find my mind still balks at CERTAIN levels of "knowledge": when I harmonized with the Deva of Glacier Bay and "learned" that humpbacked whales leap out of the water in an extreme of pain, and not in an extreme of pleasure, I began to think my hyperactive imagination might be forcing on itself the role of "inner wisdom."

Another area of work is somewhat more problematic at this point. I find myself becoming increasingly impatient with very low frequency in close friends (I use the term VERY LOW frequency to separate it from the "ordinary, everyday" low frequency) and in entertainments. I simply want to be AWAY from it. But I find it hard to separate this from the concept of separatism or elitism. Also, it seems to be a measure of my judgmentalism. It most affects my relationships when I can see something like: "Well, I worked through that whole mess, YOU had better work through all of it, and FAST." I don't like the sound or the effects of that. But it seems to be something that's growing and clambering for my attention.

On the whole, I'm impressed with the way the SMALL matters seem to be dealt with in an increasingly easy way. I'm also impressed with the way the BIG matters seem to CHANGE ASPECTS so quickly---an analogy is irresistible here: the BIG matters are icebergs that melt very quickly on top and then ROLL OVER to reveal aspects formerly completely hidden.

One constant, to date, about Actualism is the FUN my imagination has in dreaming up future lessons, like the Molecular and the Basic Particle areas above and below the Human/Creature/Organ/Cell areas in the brain, and like a Center 18 at the center of the earth, an Upper Center Zero at the center of the sun, and a Lower Center Zero at the center of the galaxy, which would make 21 centers in all, a pleasingly "mature" number.

The "coming catastrophes in the Eighties" come to mind for comment. Personally, I have a feeling of relief now that Earth Point is being replanned. I found it hard to avoid a feeling of "Let's run away and hide until it's all over" about the original plan. Since "everyone" seems to agree that the individual has more power than s/he knows, I can't quite grasp why the emphasis (not so much recently, I'm glad to acknowledge, from Actualism) is so strongly on how HORRIBLE it will be and how MUCH the survivors will have to cope with and how INTENSIVELY the survivors will have to be trained in order to survive. It would be nice to hear at least of the POSSIBILITY, even though it may mean even MORE training and work, that the "coming catastrophes in the Eighties" can be AVOIDED. The aim, as it seems to me, SO far has been to convince everyone that it WILL be awful. Now that everyone who's willing to hear, at least, HAS heard, it would be fruitful to start talking about how "changes" might be effected WITHOUT catastrophes. I have to admit that I remember, up to a few years ago, thinking that a good strong jolt is what the world needed: good to clear up cobwebs, rust, bureaucracy, outmoded laws, outmoded religiosity, outmoded patterns of thought. But when I heard some ideas about how strong the jolt might be, I began to fear that reiterating and reinforcing IDEAS of catastrophe might begin to reinforce the catastrophe itself. This is why I'm encouraged by rumors which say that a new Actualism direction might be to strengthen the idea of STAYING in the cities and working (appropriately) from within, rather than abandoning the cities to catastrophe and returning to the enclave.

As a final note, I am always looking for a greater earthing so that I can more fully experience, emotionally and perceptually, the energies, high frequencies, and bodies dealt with in Actualism.

Love and Light.



Crystal is a knockout when she greets us in the hallway in her white gown, and Michael in his suit and Dorothy in a cocktail-length dress and me in John's Philippine shirt and white tight pants, Margaret in a new blouse, Mara in a pretty aqua dress and pendant earrings, and Marilyn in black shirt and quilted skirt, as usual, went in to the party! We went through the same sort of process as before, except now she said we should use Red-Gold on the outside and anything we wish as we process! And we did it with egos in their units, not with hierarchy, too (and the first CRIF afterwards was done after "releasing" hierarchy). At the mental I got a set of false teeth, that came out; at the emotional I felt there was a whole SKIN that was a way of saying "That (poverty, pain, pleading) won't TOUCH me," which I stripped off, and I tried shifting some perceptions at the perceptual. When we went "down the short hall into the party room: we have much more room here on the higher dimensions than we do in this," I thought I heard music, and when we got down to the emotional level the "sound of music" almost knocked me down through the walls before we entered. Crystal said that Alice was coming in strongly, bearing gifts, and Meg had sent a REAL gift of sugar-dusted ginger stars, making it a real party, and I said that as I came toward the center I suddenly thought that I should be bringing some sort of gift, and Michael and Crystal said the same thing! Margaret saw herself in a wedding dress, Michael thought it was fabulous, it was just what Marilyn was looking for, and Mara thought she could now dance in an entirely new way. With 6, she said, we'd have problems, but could continue for 8-9 months until dropping back and joining the group behind us, which Meg and Maureen and Barbara would have joined. I asked about joining the group ahead, but she said there's a lot to do; we'll see; we'll delay the IPC meetings until the group gets to Third---AND she talked of herself getting into Third Advanced in January, 1972, and Carol Ann had been there three years already. Russell NEVER says what level he's at, "But he's more advanced than I am," says Crystal, adding that Third lasts 42 to 5 years, that it's not a GROUP initiation, that everyone has to reach it on their OWN, though they gather a few and then have a ceremony, but that the MOST important initiation was the Star Intro, then the Intro to the Dimensions, getting the Triune Hierarchy and then the Organ and Cell Egos, and a few others along the way, too. She said we'll all be moving around a lot (and the next day in coordinating I found that Michael Molthen was auditing the B group and Mary Stanley was auditing the C group, so maybe someone from C might drop down and audit with US to make US independent and sizable enough to be viable WITHOUT dropping back! We all enjoyed the initiation enormously.



Possibly one of the most affecting sessions I've had, despite the fact that almost everything seemed to go wrong! First, I'd gotten a call from Writers' Digest that kept me until 6:35, so I had to call to say I might be 10 minutes late. Got there to find Dorothy stuck on an LIRR train, not getting there until 7:50, but Crystal took the time to say that, not only were we a part of Planetary Hierarchy, but we as a group took on some specific task that we had to advance as far as possible to fulfill, and that tonight we'd meet the seven members of the Board of Review, who were not in physical form, whom we'd meet more officially later AS we were reviewed, but who were just coming in now to meet us. She also added that Actualism was only one of a number of organizations after the same ends, and that Russell wasn't the only one who was bringing these things through. And, she said, we'd meet our own personal Counselors, who were also not physical on the time-space dimension, but who were always on call for us to ask questions of: though we shouldn't expect VERBAL answers: she usually gets emotional answers to her questions, feeling things through her skin---as she finds where obstructions in her field are by using what she calls "radar" beaming out from her center in a sweeping circle and "feeling" where the blocks and problems are. Well, when she talked about the door opening and people coming into the room that we would encounter, I froze. Later, while the others were making their reports, I thought of the DEPTH of my freezing: mentally frozen to refuse to accept ANYTHING with brain-mind; emotionally frozen and FRIGID, keeping out all emotions with COLDNESS; physically frozen and even TENSE, as if in FRIGHT or FLIGHT, so that I felt a physical tension that had to be released. I tried beaming out a challenge beam and thought I encountered blankness. What if everyone in the room felt this: what if we would be the group to call Actualism's bluff at last? How would the others report THEIR not encountering their counselors? She said to ask questions, so I started with "Why am I not sensing anything?" and the response entered my mind quite freely: "Because you don't practice lessons enough." Well enough: that could be my OWN brain-mind, but the answer was quite fair. I asked a few other snappy questions and answered myself (?) just as snappily, and then scouted around unhappily for more sensations---well, I asked myself, as I thought to just OPEN myself to ANYTHING that happened to be there, and THE ACT of opening was a sad and sorrowful one, so that I felt tears begin to rise to my eyes and my throat began to clutch as I thought of myself trying valiantly to open myself to something that I couldn't even SENSE. Well, how could I sense it? By knowing? There was no way, I felt, I could KNOW there were people in the room. By perception? There was no way I could SEE or TOUCH or TASTE or FEEL or SMELL these people in time-space. By emotion? And the welling emotion swelled some more, so that I HAD to admit that I was feeling emotions. Sometime during here, the almost constantly chatting Crystal said that some of them might be bearing gifts. I opened myself to gift giving, and felt that someone might be handing a neck ornament to me---and I reacted with the usual embarrassment of my being given something when I have nothing to return. What could I give in exchange? My sorrow---the thought came out of the abundance of my primary feeling---I could only give of what I was experiencing at the moment. Later in the "recollection" that changed "freeze" into a multifaceted (HA!) verb, I modified the "give" to SHARE, in the sense of COMPASSION---I had feelings of passion, and I could SHARE these feelings of compassion with these visitors---just as I would SHARE those same feelings with the group in my report, I say here and not there, and could sense people tearing as I teared, noting (with some degree of satisfaction, I must admit) that the corners of Crystal's eyes were glittering with moisture too. I added, somewhat inanely, caught up with the mere act of speaking, that I learned something about having compassion for people AS THEY ARE, no matter where they happen to be. At first, I was hoping these "people" would go away, but toward the end, as "my counselor" was enfolding me in acceptance and love and my tears were flowing, Crystal announced that "these people were leaving and the Counselors would now enter." Terrible embarrassment!! I didn't perceive anything at ALL! How could I have messed it up so badly! Despair and misery and tragedy. But why? Why would I have to "control" it and "create it so awful"? So I fiddled around with that a bit, listened a bit numbly (somewhat better than frozen) to Crystal, and decided it wasn't that bad after all: I could feel some warmth from "whoever it was" in the room now; I didn't HAVE to be so controlling and so judgmental and so demanding and so QUICK for what I wanted---which didn't have to match what HAPPENED. Oh, forgot a crux: at one point at the START one of the questions was "Well, would you rather this all just STOP?" when I was feeling squishy and vulnerable and yet resistant and skeptical---and my answer was a definite NO. If I WAS brain-minding it, maybe something ELSE was going on. When I told Crystal about my preconceptions about "seven," she said "As a matter of fact, my counselor WAS along." When Margaret said she couldn't see a thing, Crystal asked with a smile, "What did they say then?" Michael expressed an initial skepticism and said he was told he didn't have to work so hard at enlightenment (which I took as the opposite for me, being told that I didn't have it so EASY). She talked of the arrogance of being in third, and I felt I had it BEFORE. She said not to talk about it, though she said she understood how much fun it was to discuss things with people AHEAD of us. Margaret later said that I didn't have to be afraid of shedding tears---SHE, who's shed FEWEST. And I kept laughing and crying (in the best pulp-novel tradition) saying that I had to find how to make my reports LIGHT and not so HEAVY, and I couldn't get it out without a catch in my throat, yet I was still smiling and I had the feeling that those around me were smiling through their tears, also. Michael was confused into thinking the counselors were first, and William Wright gave him a book in which he could WRITE. Crystal told Margaret that the BETTER way was to FEEL them, since the emotions could carry far further than the mind and the senses could. So at bottom I thought it was a great session, one of the best, and Bruce hasn't even called yet to ask about it!