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FIRST PART OF LESSON ONE OF THIRD ADVANCED

 

ACTUALISM 67
8/30/80

 

Crystal starts by reading a letter from Carol Ann on cremation, saying it's much to be desired to process the "disease-shadows" in the earth elements of the bodies we have now, which are comprised of THE SAME EARTH ELEMENTS we've had when we reincarnated before. Margaret speaks of and describes the "unique tone" that each of us has, "like a chord," they agree when I suggest it in order to understand what they're saying, and that material "proper" to us has that same tone, same chord---and I extrapolated "and probably same taste and feel and smell, too," and vaguely sensed some "other dimension" as I'd extrapolated many times before, along which WE would always be US, just as there might be a dimension of "this latitude at this longitude through all time," or "this time everywhere" or "this combination of sounds and sights throughout ALL dimensions," so the idea is NOT exactly foreign to my former philosophizing. Crystal says she can detect disease-shadows in her own structures which can only be released through EXTRAORDINARY work. Marilyn mentions that she's heard that the burying of cancer victims ADDS to the cancer of the earth itself, and these people SHOULD be burned to purify the cancer from the earth elements. Carol Ann recommends a will that states Actualism can have the ashes for seven days, while they're processed and uplifted in "beautiful ceremonies, and of course your human joins in, too." We die, "advance" into our human bodies to live for a time in the HUMAN dimension of the earth (and if the body is slowly decomposing in the ground we may remain attached to it overlong), and then THAT body dies and we progress to a life in the PERCEPTUAL dimension, then in the emotional and mental and soul dimensions. I ask about willing my body or organs to science, and she thinks about that and says I should ask Wyndee Egan at Coast center about it, she thinks there might be danger but there also might be lessons that I might learn that might be VERY valuable. Then she starts the lesson by saying we SHOULDN'T gather and enlighten awareness, but look out into the body, human, and field to see where we have RETAINED enlightened awareness: it's not just gathered and just DISPERSED, it's there to SERVE us. I go out, fearing I won't sense anything, and she asks for reports, and others say they can't go out very far, and Crystal works with Margaret and agrees when she says she's concentrated in her BODY. Crystal says when we assimilate we should assimilate at ALL levels, not just take it for creature body, as we may be doing. Then she insists we go out to sense the RIM of the field, and I find nothing, and she asks me what I experience. I start sweating and say I'm caught in an old bind: but the bind's recently flipped: BEFORE when I would go out into the field and sense nothing, I assumed there was nothing to sense, so my senses were accurate and Actualism was wrong. Now, rather on faith, I assume that Actualism is right, there IS a field out there, but that my SENSES don't report accurately to me. She's somewhat impatient with that and insists that I move out along my nerves and see what I encounter. I "imagine" filaments reaching out and filling a spherical area, rather like the nerve-like filaments filling a flash bulb, so I report that, saying that I honestly don't sense that there's any BLOCKED area that I can sense. She asks about the rim, so I sweat more and strive outward and come up with the "idea" of feeling along an outside wall, moving my hands along and finding that, everywhere I reach, it's solid, but I can't be sure I'm reaching around a SOLID 360-degree sphere. She rather impatiently asks me what the rim is LIKE, and I sweat stronger and worry that others are impatient at my taking so long---is THIS when I'm found out and thrown back? "Well, it's sort of very thin and very transparent." OK, she says, now go out and sense the rim of MY field. Oh, God, this makes me terribly apprehensive. But I gulp, go out, and get the idea that I've come to a PEARLY, hard, opaque, pink, sphere. But pink is so definite---what if I'm wrong? So I report on "a thick, opaque, solid rim, of a color" and she agrees with the whole thing! Margaret, later, senses that it's thick, and Crystal says, somewhat imperiously, "It IS thick," and goes on to say that it HAS to be thick to keep out low frequency, to protect the individual's field. She says that if we let ANYTHING in, we have to DEAL with that---we're supposed to be lifting OURSELVES, not everyone who impinges on us, which WOULD be impossible, so it's no WONDER we feel tension and irritability and fatigue. She says her Ring-Pass-Not is Subtle Warrior on the outside, red-gold as a "lining," and Radiant Warrior on the inside, so I figure she's amethyst-colored on the inside, and NOT pink, and THEN someone says something about pink on the inside, and she says the BASIC Ring-Pass-Not was pink on the inside, and I wonder if I wasn't tuning in on THAT somehow, when I saw pink on HER rim. Debate telling her that I FEAR being put on the spot by "guessing" wrong, but how, I think to myself, better to LEARN perception except by TRYING to describe what I "sense" and getting it corrected when it's wrong and verified when it's right? Verification of my "guesses" can ONLY make me more sure of my guessing, and correction of my "errors" can ONLY adjust my "perception" to the "actual" event or circumstance. Check this with Crystal when I go to center this afternoon. THEN she asks, as next part of lesson, for us to check for our DYNAMICs. I go out and sense them FLARING out, and when I open my eyes she's looking at me: "Bob?" "I see a paradox: I think of myself as localized but I "get" that my dynamics go WAY beyond the rim of my field." "That's true of most people who send out their dynamics; that's accurate: to COMPENSATE for their dynamic's being way out, they sort of hunch in on themselves and cramp themselves---but that's COMPENSATION for the scattered dynamics. Now bring them back in, release them from various magnetics---work's a VERY strong magnetic---but leave it GO with your own dynamic, let the Immortal guard it until you return to it, and conserve your own energies and you won't feel so TIRED. I bring them back and report a "cut marionette" feeling of released tension and activity, but with a feeling not of energizing but of RELIEF and PEACE, while others report feeling VERY full of pep and vigor with their dynamics returned. Then we release the dynamics of others from our magnetics, not by letting them hang, but by returning them with uplifting love and gratitude, and then fill our magnetic with our own dynamic, which we should do many times a day just to CHECK on our status so that we're not being DRAINED. We now HAVE power, and even if people's dynamics come to our magnetic, they're not of the same FREQUENCY, so we're just loaded DOWN with those loads, so we have to RELEASE them. As the last part of the class, we assimilate, her saying that by the time we get into Fourth Advanced we should be assimilating 50% and eliminating 50%, whereas now she suspects we eliminate for an hour and assimilate for maybe 4 minutes. I mention after class my working with Cosmic Mother on MYSELF, and she says that should be GREAT for me. During the assimilation, SHE turns on the chalice (she says it's NOT spun) and we bathe in the liquidy, silvery, energy, coating organs and bodies and nerves, inside and out, and filling our human and field with the silver, assimilating throughout, and then taking attention to BUILD UP the solidity and impermeability of the rim. I'd mentioned the "small Ring-Pass-Not that I build around me when I want to use "conspicuous" energies like Perfection on the subway, and she says she doesn't use MANY energies on the subway, but it would be BETTER (and she demonstrates by putting up a CLOSE Ring, and I "get" less visual, less attractive qualities about her; and then she puts on her USUAL ring and she's MORE visual, yet when she says "Send me loads" she sort of fends them off with her face, so she's TRULY more visible but she's NOT more vulnerable, and she states the loads being directed from NEAR in being pulled OUTWARD away from her to the burning-ground fires of "Eden-city" or something, which are 100 feet out---and THIS feels like a better way for me to operate in baths and bars---VISIBLE but not VULNERABLE. Before I was invulnerable but also INVISIBLE.) to strengthen the EXPANDED Ring-Pass-Not. We have brushdowns and Margaret grabs me again, leaving Mara on my right to attack shorted Michael on Margaret's left. She said we had a two-part assignment: to bring back dynamics and balance with magnetics on ALL bodies at all levels, and to concentrate on ASSIMILATION 2-3 times pre week. She also mentioned that our class, with some of the other thirds, with Russell was December 5, and that we HAVE class on December 12, but looking at calendar I don't think we DO, and I COULD schedule Mexico for a GOOD long time: I HAVE the time and money and DON'T have to be back in two weeks, and Aeromexico DOESN'T require two!

ACTUALISM 71
9/4/80

TRIGEMINAL-OPHTHALMIC NERVE WITH RICHARD

Now HE's pushing me to my limits: where do I feel obstruction: well, at the top of my head, in a stovepipe shape. He comes up with the GREAT technique: move into the knowledge that the Being of Light is UNobstructed at that point, then HARMONIZE creature-body with the being of light and CLEAR out that part of the field. And it worked! To check on it, I sat with my eyes closed and slid them around (not my time-space eyes) in my head until I could "see" out 90Ε to the right. Then I relaxed and "they" came back to center in the front, then I "slid" them around 90Ε to the left with greater ease. There were no obstructions that I could see, though I realized I had no idea how FAR OUT my "sense" tracked. Then, battling denial, I continued turning from directly left to the BACK, and then ranged up and down through the upper hemisphere with two eyes that had the upward-seeing power of the cookie Monsters'. I reported that I felt great and Richard was very supportive. He reported that this segment freed the lachrymal duct, and wouldn't there be unshed tears? I started with a flicker of the old resentment about "having" to cry, and then looked again to see that tears could be a PLEASURE to shed, and in a moment they began to flow in a WASHING manner, rather than in a SPURTING manner through squeezed-shut lids. I didn't have to RESENT them, I could merely enjoy when they came as a RELEASE---as if having a RELEASE didn't necessarily indicate that I'd had something BOTTLED UP which I'd been hiding---though it might be the case. Reported on that, and Richard went on with other sensory tests: how was the back of my neck? Constricted. Free it, feel it move down, and I did so, only to feel another layer surface, but WITH a feeling of accomplishment in getting rid of the FIRST layer. So I was making progress at last: Richard seemed RIGHT ON every sensation, and when I ASKED if I was right that there was no obstruction (or "What's that 300-ton anvil up there?") he didn't say yes, he didn't say no, he just concentrated on ANOTHER area of the body and I moved freely there. Felt good to schedule 6 more with him, see that the sheet had room for 29 sessions in all, and move to 3 pm so I can have lunch with Susan or others sometimes BEFORE coming here at 1, which effectively killed ANY lunchtime activity---also letting me in town for an evening, if anything can be swung them.

ACTUALISM 72
9/13/80

3-4

If I can't remember dreams (see DREAMS 64) at least I can remember the great wealth of detail that seems to come with EACH Actualism class in Third. Maya was gone, as marked (puppeteering in Europe, said Marilyn), but Suzanne Hoebermann was there "to take a bath" as she said, so we were six as usual. Crystal gave a lot of information that made it possible to pinpoint her age around 29: she'd become interested in Actualism at 14, when she thought sex would be just AWFUL, but has since learned that even though the "wedding" of the immortal with the personality could be just great, that would give you the tools to REALLY get into a sexual union with someone ELSE. AND she talked about the benefits of the Generative-Regenerative (she said that REgenerative should always be used with GENerative, since the DEgenerative mass mind was so powerful nowadays---just look at the jeans ads for mass mind non-procreative, non-cellular, GENERATIVE images created with all that unused SEXUALITY and power---and then I asked about using REgenerative ALONE with my teeth, and she said that it would be good to use both THERE, too, though Amy said that when SHE had the lesson this week, the same one!, she came away with the idea that ONE OR THE OTHER sun was spread through the field) which lengthened her cell-life from 7 years to 9 years, but said that recently, when Crystal had passed her 14th year in Actualism, she tuned into her twice-newly-generated cells and found they wee much YOUNGER than before, that aging was the process of mass-mind images telling the cells as they went through successive generations that they weren't as resilient, powerful, or flexible in membrane to pass in the goodies and pass out the wastes as before, and this generative improvement in the cells explained why Russell was so young in body though so old in years, AND she looked forward to a period when Actualists would prepare their bodies for about two years before CONCEIVING a child, planning that well, and by the time she'd want to come back in a PHYSICAL body that had NOT ONLY the chain of repressions and concrete laid on from PREVIOUS lives (through center zero, she didn't say), but ALSO the repressions and mass-mind images and shackles from the nine months in the womb, so that the body was literally CRIPPLED when it was BORN. And she wants to have the chance of being born MUCH more free than she was in THIS body---as she said in current CRIF's that she could FEEL the cranial nerves being combed out, and she KNEW there were things wrong but had no way of DEALING with them. So it ALSO means that, since she started in fourth Advanced in January, 1972, 8 years ago, she took only 7 years to go through the "42 to five years of third advanced"---say she went through it in 4 years, leaving 3 years for the fairly strict 6 months for basic, 1 year for first, and 2 years for second---so she's really been speeding through. She also kept talking about the projects that she and Carol Ann had together, that she and Russell were doing together, sort of like she's TRYING to make clear that she's right there on the ground floor working with the two head people in the organization---which was NOT the way Alice came across! Also wonder if I'd noted before that while the initiation to fourth advanced DOES take place in groups (yes, I'm SURE I noted this before), the PASSAGE, or QUALIFYING for fourth takes place on an INDIVIDUAL basis. When she asked for reports I said that I'd felt like I'd become LETHARGIC and "do-nothing-less" since I'd pulled in my dynamics, but she said that should have ENERGIZED me, and that'd be taken care of tonight. At the end she said that this was NOT the "second part of the first class" so I'd misheard AGAIN. She said tonight was going to be about INTIMACY, and how difficult that was to talk about with all the mass-mind images---and no, there'd be NO required orgies, at least that SHE knew about, and I interpolated "Keep working!" She said the FIRST and most NECESSARY intimacy was the real UNION of the Creation with the CREATOR, the BEING OF LIGHT: THIS was what we constantly sought after, yearned for, needed to have, wanted to experience. THEN after this VERTICAL union, we could work on the HORIZONTAL union of the Magnetic and Dynamic in a REAL intercourse-union, and THEN we'd be qualified to reach out for OTHERS on a personality-to-personality level WITH the union of the Being of Light helping each other in a TRUE time-space union of personalities AND the higher. She was very enthusiastic throughout this: we activated? Then she said the RANGE of generative was 1) Making babies, 2) Sexual pleasure, and 3) Making cells and organs in the physical body. Then we went into the session, which she described later as gathering, touching in with the magnetic and dynamic field identities at ALL levels, and then IE to center 11 to light up the Scarlet sun and send it out through the field, along with lighting the scarlet AND the spring-green power rays in 2 through 16, and then harmonizing the magnetic and dynamic identities, working them in the pelvic bowl from outside in, while IE works from the inside out, removing all the chastity belts and nails and metallic suits of armor (and Amy found an ANIMAL skin, which CRYSTAL then mentioned, and Amy says "My eyes really popped open, she's really CLAIRVOYANT, and she said 'It was so obvious that I could hardly miss it'"), and then after it's clean and clear, the generative-regenerative fountain would start of itself up out of the pelvic bowl along the CVA, and then the magnetic and dynamic identities can move into the open body spaces and INTERCOURSE in the fountain. Then, to direct more energy (with effortless effort, doesn't have to be squeezing), squeeze 6 times (or, to a lesser extent, twice) the anal and penis sphincters and rev up the fountain, feeling it rise up to the throat center, the OBJECTIVE creative center, and send it to the brain, to the nervous system, to the body in general, to the field, to the genital organs, too, and she said it could be done lying down (she does it EVERY morning to get up BRIGHT, rather than draggy) and even standing on your HEAD, she said with a laugh, and then the energies can be directed anywhere they seem to be needed in the creation. She said to PARTICULARLY disengage from your "close intimate friend" since being ALWAYS connected will produce a feeling of staleness and boredom, but getting AWAY will permit BOTH of you breathing space alone. Even for Margaret, who insists she HAS no close partner, she can disconnect from work or home or family or any OTHER constant demand. We can use the intimacy even if we never intend to have sex again, she adds for Marilyn and Margaret, OR it can make a sexual union REALLY different and exciting. Amy was VERY activated, having been a Puritan in her former life ("In a FORMER life, Amy?" I jibed). Interesting that what I left for LAST (and almost didn't do at all) was talk about MY reactions to the session: at the beginning there wasn't much of anything at all---I'd had such "subtle" sessions through the past two weeks (and even DID about 5-6 during the 14 days!) that I was afraid all of third would be too subtle for words---but though the first part of this was clear and I did what she told, for most of the time---it was nice that the heat of the summer was finally over---then when she said to squeeze the sphincters, I was quite surprised that I could GO ALONG with her squeezes from 1 through 6, though at the end I was probably trying too hard, and when I released there was a RUSH of sensation up my body and along the tops of my arms, so distinct that I could FEEL the rustling of the hairs on the backs of my hands through the sudden spurt of sweat. In addition, I felt a decidedly WARM feeling, as if I were sitting on a hot billiard ball, in the area of a triangle formed by the two sphincters as the bottom apices and an equilateral point BELOW them---though I suspected it might be a rush of blood to budding hemorrhoids which could cause the same degree of flush. The second and third time I tried the squeeze, I was sad to feel that the arms dropped out of the reaction, but the ass-warmth was still there, but even that lessened as I went through 4-6 or 7 of them. I reported this as an image that I had to get over, and she just looked at me and said nothing at all. We had a break at 8, after all the announcements, and we left the room at 9:30, taking time to listen to their packing troubles with renting a whole storage room for Richard's books, and how of the 24 cartons that were to go to Texas, the 6 they brought here had all the Alice Bailey works and many other esoteric works, and he had only three works of fiction in the entire library, which everyone clambered to know the titles of, and she suggested that one was probably "Siddhartha" by Hesse. She looked great with upswept hair, high heels on her featurelessly shapely legs, and a tight skirt whose limitations contrasted greatly with Tommasina's bulky blunderings as coordinator, inquiring whether my check wasn't just a plaything, banging into desk drawers and dropping things on the floor---the room HUGELY hot and dank.

ACTUALISM 76
9/20/80

TRIGEMINAL-MAXILLARY NERVE WITH RICHARD

When he says to touch each of my teeth as the energy comes down the nerve, I can't quite believe he wants me to do it, but without opening my eyes to see his reaction, I let my lips go slack and touch teeth with fingernail, and when I removed from the left, I'm amazed to sense a fullness, a tingle, a "flowing" sensation in the left side that even the right side doesn't quite equal. I'm willing to work for a miracle now! I say that I'm feeling some of the worthless, which is quickly switching back to idealized: not telling him it's "This can't possibly be WORKING for me," followed by "This IS happening, and it's going to be spectacular, and I'm going to be FABULOUS." He states clearly that in that way the images can preserve each other, each being replaced by the other if it's threatened seriously. I mention to him the LSD-like image of a pristine-white slender creature of nymph-like face and delicate shoulders rising (herself is almost irresistible) out of a murky lake into the sun, and I feel tears rising to my eyes in love and gratitude, and THEN I feel touched because I CAN cry without even judging or justifying or feeling PAIN with it. Tears flow copiously, and I seem to be sniffling and blowing my nose a lot, and I think I might have an allergy, but what would THAT be but unreleased tension and tears, and if I can get them all out, so much the better. "My head seems filled with a soggy handkerchief" I state wryly. I bat the worthlessness and idealism back and forth a bit, thinking that I haven't gone so deeply into myself since LSD-times, wondering if this is going to verify the unities I found then, knowing that I'm dramatizing, wondering what Richard is thinking, and trying to blaze up the consuming fires so that the resultant clarity might bring me to some sort of realizations about myself that seem to be needed. I say "Again I have the feeling that I have to get rid of some of the crud before others can even UNIFY with me" and he seems to agree, and again I think of his assurance when he said "No one even has a CHANCE to fail in the purpose of a CRIF." I feel much clearer at the end of the session, which comes relatively quickly, and he seems to tell me that I've done a good job. Coming right after Bier's blast of 4-5 month's work for $1390, certainly a tooth session couldn't be too enlightened. When I said that my session this morning was mostly forming hierarchy and sitting and staring and processing the disappointment of the tooth-meeting, Richard seemed to agree. He said that he'll check with Crystal for the hair analysis by mail, given a doctor's signature, and that I should check with Crystal about tuning into the analogs of the teeth in the Soul, Mental, Emotional, Perceptual, and Human bodies. I can feel the teeth lighting up, but not to as great an extent as before, and a LOT of the session is thinking about other things: where Andre is, the trip to Mexico with Ken, why my life seems not to be working. I find myself thinking that I'm DOING less and ENJOYING even that less (though I must admit to myself that I have MORE contact with just PEOPLE and more contact with Actualism than even with EST before), and then think of "biting off more than I can chew," since I'm working with the mandibular. Get into a lot of melodrama about getting old, then he asks me to see if there's any anger in jaw muscles, and I report on my brain-mind's excursion through "That's nonsense," to "There's no SENSE (sensation) of it" to maybe it's CENSORED, but a censor sends up clouds of incense. Don't feel tears of release flowing, though there was a pressure in the throat that leaves by the end of the session, though I can't quite report that I'm out from under the dark cloud of now having to get the address of the Queens periodontist to get HIS estimate. Richard gives me a full session to 3 pm, there's no coordinator, and Marietta was waiting there misthinking SHE had an appointment with him at 1. We don't even hug, he says next time's session is devoted to teeth and gums, and so even THAT isn't over. Feel the strongest denial and resistance in an IF for a long time, but move through lots of it and end up in some sort of equilibrium, reporting at the end that I think a LOT came up and a lot of it was dealt with, though I'd hate to see a lot of it come up AGAIN, which would just be depressing, and keep thinking about being sent back in third, but that's the whole GROUP and not just me, and not as FAR back as 3B has just been sent, to merge (timewise, only, at this point) with Bruce's class.

ACTUALISM 78
10/9/80

3-5 CRYSTAL AS PARTNER

Even as dreams don't get written up (see DREAMS 72), so THESE sessions don't get written up. With only 5 in class, Crystal chooses to be my partner, and when coaxing her to report, Michael coos "How was it for you, Crystal?" and everyone laughs. When she puts out her dynamic to my magnetic, I feel I fend her off, but then she gets in from below. I seem to feel an umbilicus behind HER, too, though she doesn't say anything, and then I end up drinking coffee, which she said she used to LOVE. Since it was done as partners, I asked how it would be done in session with ourselves, and took notes:

1) YOURSELF: draw Dynamic up from Pelvic, into heart, liver, brain, and harmonize all.

2) "TOO CLOSE": Draw THEIR Dynamic, circulate for 30 seconds or a minute to HUG their Dynamic, then run YOUR Dynamic through the same pattern to hug their magnetic.

3) To harmonize pelvic magnetic-dynamic relationship, draw from pelvic to heart, to liver, to brain, and then do the sphincter squeezes to circulate energy.

4) With someone you know and love: to get OUT of competitiveness, to SHOW love WITHOUT linking pelvises, draw IN their Dynamic and move it through YOUR heart and RETURN your dynamic to THEIR heart.

5) Pelvic-heart-liver-pelvic, to brain, then ACROSS, then emphasize the angle (?) Crystal said "This was one of the most powerful techniques we'd ever get." You can thus be MORE INTENT and more INTENSE, so WATCH superiority and idealized images, because you're now generating MUCH more POWER.

Arthur and I did it together, and it seemed easier to remember with two: exchange dynamics and magnetics, dynamics into pelvic, up through into heart, over across to liver, making a triangle, going across with three points, then with the crossbar, then up to brain, then turn brain down to bring dynamic up from pelvic, then across with all four, then release with love.

There seems to be no stated POINT with all these, however, so that when I don't do them very much during the week it doesn't seem like I'm MISSING much, though there's lots of anger and lots of laziness coming up, so I guess SOMETHING'S up, but there's another class as early as TOMORROW!

ACTUALISM 79
10/9/80

CRIF ON TEETH AND GUMS

Richard gets details from me on tooth matters, asking for xeroxes of pages of book, saying that he and Crystal came up with two MORE sessions on upper and lower teeth and gums, so I tell him I probably WON'T be pushing her for my session, though anger's come up a lot recently, and he tells me to process that anger and rage. He talks of the secretions from either the lymph or blood from the jaws to the teeth, which I mentioned to him, and I sit with vague blockedness in the heat, which I sort of process, feeling somewhat better, and again I think I might cry but don't, feeling that my "cold" or my "allergy" might just be suppressed tears, but I just don't cry, either. Feeling vaguely frustrated, so that when he asks what I'm experiencing, I confess to nothing much, though there'd been a lot of resistance and anger that came up that I now felt was lifted. Mentioned again how quickly the idealized of the body-images can flip into the hated and worthless images, and he says I should go into it and process everything. When I'm feeling nothing, again, he asks, and I said I'd been dramatizing and had just thought to blaze up the sun's energies. At another point I said that I felt some phase of the work had been finished, because it seemed that my head went from "up high" to "down low" in a trice so fast that my ears almost popped from the elevation difference, and when I reported it he merely said "Great" and encouraged me to continue processing. He came out with his roaring burps and I felt torn between believing and not believing: but could this be a waste of time for HIM, for just $25 for 2 hours?? So he MUST be seeing and processing and communing with all the immortals that he says are here doing work with us, and maybe HE has some correspondences which might make it more interesting for him, but I felt a new increase of skepticism and anger and wonder---even to starting to be annoyed at the incessant moving back and forth between Brooklyn and 72nd Street, which caused a subway to go out of service at 12:50 and I didn't get there until 1:15, apologizing, and he said that lots of subways were off recently, and I heard Laura giving Dick Holt the "check out the field, something's wrong" spiel that Richard gave me. What IS going on here, or am I just being a burden on the organization?

ACTUALISM 80
10/12/80

3-6 COPILOT INTO CREATURE-BODY AND HUMAN

Crystal thinks for a long time before introducing the session as one that's different from the usual ones we have of processing debris and consuming obstructions, one like this which emphasizes the richness and wonder of what it is that we are. We'd been given the term copilot since basic, and now we're going to earthe the full meaning of that term and identity in our creature-body and in our human, and next session do the same earthing in the higher bodies of perceptual, emotional, and mental. Then she mentions some identity of ours which sits APART from everything we've been doing, which Marilyn terms the Observer or Watcher, and THAT is the copilot, which will now take its proper seat in the old-brain area of Creature-Body for the Creature-body copilot, and in the same area of the Human for the Human Copilot. In the previous "human" seat of creature body is now to be identified the MATRIX ego, the matrix being a body just a bit larger than creature body, which she describes as "a sort of a web-like body" until she says we should observe it ourselves to get an idea of it, extending about an inch outside our physical bodies and interpenetrating it throughout. She doesn't yet say what goes into the "human" seat of the human body, I don't think. She gathers fully, disbands hierarchy, and later says that we CAN form hierarchy in the old way, if we wish, getting human ego from the rear of the human brain and copilot from where creature-body ego used to be---no, that's wrong---creature-body ego is STILL there, the copilot is OUR IDENTITY (apart from the chatterbox of the brain that goes yama-yama off to some corner somewhere, and she said this session would be particularly difficult for brain-mind, so just reach up and shut off the switch to stop the chatter, doing whatever we know we can go to stop the incessant questioning of brain-mind), and during the session she directed us to shake out the antennae of our field, literally pulling them loose from their lethargic lassitude and shaking them so that they come alive in all directions in our field, and she said we'd perceive they each had little eyes on the end of each of them, and we were to turn them in toward our creature-body and seek until we found a tiny, shrinking, possibly sleeping, possibly as undeveloped as a fetus, possibly angry or lonely or screaming, inner identity that our IE magnetic would then reach down for and magnetically and dynamically draw it up and out of its hiding place (I asked if it couldn't be coterminous with the whole body, since I poked and seemed FIRST to sense it in the solar plexus, but then it felt as if it wasn't NOT in the heart, and wasn't NOT in the liver, and wasn't NOT in the brain, but couldn't see it lower so I asked the question---she said "Maybe you're defensive, did you try going in from the back?" and then I raised my hand when I seemed to locate a pancreas-like quivering mass somewhere BETWEEN my solar plexus and heart) and enfold it into the pure love to Incarnating Ego, where it would promptly go to sleep, lulled by the love it had been searching for, and then it would waken, fresh and renewed, and we were to feel it expand through the brain, through the head, down the neck and shoulders, through the arms and hands, down through the torso and pelvis, and down the legs into the feet. During this "saturation" I felt a whole-body tingle and warmth that was faintly pleasurable, as if the whole body were getting a "treatment" where in localized ways I could feel, in the past, my teeth or stomach or head or hands getting a localized treatment. I reported that, to Crystal's delight. Then she tried a number of experiments with "looking through human eyes" with the identity of the copilot, with physical eyes open or closed, and we were to look at each other with love and telepathic understanding. Crystal picked up shadows under her eyes and thereby age, from the badly placed lamp; Dorothy looked Elephant-Mannish lumpish; Marilyn looked loving and yet PLEADING to be loved; Michael was rather distancing and holdoffish; and the best of the lot was Margaret, who seemed (the only one among the group) to turn younger and more playful and more girl-like; where Mara was frightened and veiled and tentative. But then Crystal said something about looking WITHOUT judgmentalism, and I felt that all the things I'd noticed HAD been judgmental. She asked for brief observations, which we gave, then had a break, where I tried without speaking to tell Ken to wait for me after class (and when he'd gone by 10:55, I stood on the subway platform CREATING him coming down the stairs, saying he'd been starved and stopped off for something to eat, but then when I was distracted by an incoming local I was tapped on the shoulder by a gleeful Ken who'd been starved and stopped off for something to eat), since Crystal insisted on no communications and said "That's what I didn't want" when Marilyn handed a folded note to Mara. When we came back, we had the shorter session of doing the same thing with the HUMAN: reaching out with the antennae, looking inward at the human body, finding the hidden identity, magnetically drawing it up to the center 2 of the human, lulling it to sleep with love, waking it to freshness, establishing it in, throughout, and all about the human body, and then practicing looking through its eyes out at the world with love. She said that at least 50% should be given in vision to the seeing of the Being of Light within, only 40% to the physical and human "actual" aspects of the person, and only a scant 10% to the images and obstructions where the person was coming from, since we had to DEAL with that part of the person on the OUTER. I got greatly resistant and activated about her insistence on seeing differently, and when I reported that I could easily get a "better than thou" feeling from being special, she said we had to disconnect from that feeling as soon as we could. Everyone stayed until about 10:45, Margaret had a special question, Crystal had to get upstairs to get a call from Carol Ann at 11, Marilyn had to share something, and I had to tell her that I'd "created" a new session (at Jay's) with INVITED people and only about 40, rather than 200, people there, and she smiled and said "Great, now you're getting an idea how powerful you are," and thanked me for telling her, since that's the kind of news she liked to hear. I still looked for a way to tell her that I WANT to talk with her about her pushing on my perceptual, as Dennis recommended when I said I was depressed about Actualism, but could only find a good way on Wednesday, when I was coordinating the only time this month, sitting in for 200-hour Meg, who came up as---well, see ACTUALISM 83-85.

ACTUALISM 83
10/17/80

COORDINATORS' MEETING (on 10/11/80)

It was nice to be sitting in the back of a crowded room, able to take notes on some of the outrageous perceptual things that Crystal said. Though there are 50 coordinators or more, there were only 40-odd of us there, but Crystal sat in the teaching position in the north, Richard to the west, Stan next to me in the south, and Laura in the east, holding up the field, which Arthur (see ACTUALISM 86) had a lot to say about yesterday. Now my notes: 7:20-8: Gathering, very elaborate and almost nodding-out. Then I wrote:

1) Unifying doesn't MINIMIZE points of view, but EXPANDS them. You're not SMALLER for unifying, but BIGGER.

2) If you feel DEPLETED of Love, dive into the Immortal and SATURATE yourself in it, and come back SO overfilled you OOZE love to your neighbors.

3) Love is ALWAYS better and more powerful if it's given OUT and taken IN in exchange with someone else. Now it's 8 and we're into the meeting proper.

4) Centers flourish in ORDER, and meeting will bring out elements of it.

5) "Unified subjective"---group IN your spaces and you IN group spaces and in Deva.

6) Center field can PUSH and PULL low frequencies out of your spaces (see ACTUALISM 85 for Arthur's experience and teachers' comments), and can also becomingly DISENGAGE you from daily problems and hassles OUTSIDE the field.

7) "One of my best inventions---on the inner: self-cleaning walls; the walls have that imbued in them---the stuff flies, hits, the wall cleans and ASSIMILATES so you see the sparkly essence on all the walls in center." Golden arch (someone murmurs "MacDonalds!") raises frequency as you pass through the entrance to the center. Heralds ANNOUNCE AHEAD, and we can SEE this, if we unify with people who are coming in, and process then AHEAD of arrival. We then voyage in a group in the Human: "Earthe the quality of space in consciousness so when you move around this crowded room you DON'T bang and bump into."

8) When GROUP comes in, light relationship lines from IE to EACH, and then magnetically-dynamically relating to EACH individual, one-to-one, so they don't FEEL like "just one of a group." Then they can wait their turn with a feeling of being fully cared for. "You have to break down your illusions of LACK of control." "Immortals can call you on the phone when you're NOT busy checking in a group."

9) These center features are EARTHED to manifest the INNER current arrangements. Maintain the LOVE that comes THROUGH order. At 8:30 we get to body-room sheet, which we ARE to turn. If the note's at 1, TURN sheet, turn note to 2; at 2, exchange in-out, turn note to 3; at 3, turn; note to 4. Then UNCLARITY at making top sheet bottom sheet when new one comes in, note to 1. RW for body room purification. Shake sheet and run fires through it. EVERYTHING that's done in center generates essence: ASSIMILATE it all. Debris pile tripping you up? Transmute it and get essence! USE PHYSICAL HAND to direct fires to clean walls and table and table legs.

10) Body room walls (on the human level) have hospital equipment, oxygen, inner beings and instructions, charts, etc. Cleaning up past lives in here, too. Have hospital rooms "when you've been clobbered, you STAY here for a time."

11) Mary Stanley and Crystal: "Deva's team and some mini-helpers are cell size and organ size to help process structures at THAT level and kingdom." At end of shift: clear coffee, clean thermos, clear SURFACES (use pink). "PHYSICAL putting-in-order WITHOUT inner is not so good. Tommasina mentions (among lots of other things) that when she cleaned (which she does every two weeks) she found that Meg left things WONDERFULLY, and Crystal said that Meg was one of the better ones, and she didn't even blush, just smiled and took in the acknowledgement. Project: Earthe awareness of OUTER johns!

12) Steps: CONSCIOUSNESS changes quickly, but EARTHING takes WORK and time. "If we do our inner work well, management will respond on the outer." Coordinating, take out FIELD lines from center 9, don't travel around in the human, since you're needed behind that desk. Break from 9-9:10. Center is DESIGNED to process ill-will, so don't take it personally---rules are rules. Crystal: "We're ALL here because we want to be loved and recognized---that's the FIRST premise of EVERYTHING we do together here." NO scheduling on the calendar (or talking) at breaks EVER in classes. DAY people fill out CASH for EVENING coordinators (which I messed up: saying to Richard that I thought it was decided it helped THAT person earthe who's coming in and what they're paying---lessens mistakes, it seems to me, too, though I didn't remember I'd written THIS note on Saturday). Check "New communications" in Coordinator's Manual (which I had---nothing new there). INITIAL AND DATE (which I DIDN'T do) having read. And my PEN runs out! Adding machine slip: date, PAGE number, and initials. Tally CASH, CHECKS, NET, and tally RECEIVED cash and checks.

Keep tuned to INNER union to get thanks from staff and "inner directions." People shared lots, asked lots of questions, drawing out the meeting to 10:30, longer than I'd expected. Barbara asked if she was the only one who didn't know about the Group Sigil over our apartments (when Crystal told us to watch for the lit passages on our way home, to the lightness of our homes), and everyone laughed, many raised their hands, but no one said anything more about it! Crystal said that center was a GOOD place to get rid of low frequency, saying that "Sometimes I give you a look that DEMANDS that you throw some low frequency at me." I recognize that look when I try to evade perceiving, and feel somewhat better about my activations about it---she's drawing it FROM me! But all the reports of the pools, fountains, crystal chandeliers (those were MINE!), spaciousness, lounge areas, libraries, and magnificence on the human level drove me up the WALL---are we SUPPOSED to see the same things or merely "invent," as Crystal did the self-cleaning walls, that which pleases us and makes us high? When we share them I guess we WOULD help strengthen their presence for those who TELL us about them, and I feel much better about it NOW, a week LATER, as I type about it, than I did THEN, so maybe there's even a reason why I didn't type the notes right at first, since I could TELL that lots of it would be negative. "I can't take this," and now it's assimilated, processed, and I'm ready for the NEXT level of confront, which Crystal seems to ENJOY upping (talk to Bruce about this, see ACTUALISM 87).

ACTUALISM 86
10/17/80

TALK WITH ARTHUR ABOUT ACTUALISM FIELD (10/16)

I mention how activated I was at coordinator's meeting, then ask him if he got any "nudge" from teachers about field when he was coordinating, and he tells me he coordinated on Sunday, right after the meeting, and "The Center got a new level of energy, and it was manifested when I was there. There was this guy shouting in the lobby and the elevator attendants just vanished. I came out hoping to quiet down things and he saw me, so he came in and demanded a quarter. I told him to leave and he was intent on disruption. Crystal in the big teaching room didn't hear a thing, so she said I did a good job on the inner, but Richard was giving an IF to Liz Fegol in the small teaching room, and when I felt I couldn't leave from behind the desk, he came out. The guy (black bum from the neighborhood) asked HIM for 25 cents, but he fished in his pockets and said he had nothing, people were in class---"What KIND of class" he shouted, and at LAST one of the elevator men and Richard actually conducted him out the door. I felt that I hadn't done my job, but Richard said it was fine, and I sure got essence from THAT." He talked about how people in HIS class kept seeing beings in their sessions, and I mentioned that Marilyn had said the same thing in MINE, except that Elaine Claudio said it was the Deva and Crystal said they had just been angels, and she should learn to tell the difference. I said Crystal kept clobbering me on the perceptual, and Arthur reminded me about her statement that she DEMANDS to be thrown low frequency, which I'd forgotten at the meeting (see ACTUALISM 85). He talks of getting colds because HE wants to be doing more, though he should be satisfied about progressing with long-range plans, rather than ACCOMPLISHING everything all at once, and I can SO identify with that! He says my leg and arm pulls are just fine, that they need strong people giving it, that I should keep up with them, and his reports were glowing, which makes me feel good, too, and I agree that it's so much more DELIBERATE in movement and human use that it's BETTER than the others for earthing that (as I suppose it's tempting for me to give them up, since I'm BENEFITING from them!). He concludes that the guy was a MANIFESTATION that POPPED the new energy of the center field, which HIGHLY activates low-frequency channels, and now things seem calmer around center, maybe teachers WON'T be saying "something's up in Field."

ACTUALISM 87
10/17/80

TALK TO BRUCE A ABOUT ACTUALISM (10/15)

He's been sick with some local flu (which I get stuffed up from, too, but not really sick, though I think it'd be NICE to be sick so I could have an EXCUSE to be as lazy as I FEEL I am and have been), is glad I can come over to exchange, and I complain about Crystal's pushing me, telling him that after my coordinating today Crystal said that we SHOULD have a talk about my perceptual, and he says she's so different from Alice. My---and I want to use the word perception!---evaluation of the two is that Alice was a broad, long-lasting base of support---almost saying "Step on my shoulders, so broad and long-time; anything you do is OK," whereas Crystal was way ABOVE, on a pinnacle of accomplishment, dancing about dazzlingly and saying "C'mon up here, c'mon up here," and very POINTED in drawing people UPWARD. He said that he remembered the session on the copilot being great, but that every session SINCE that has been great, too, and I "don't have to worry about all the details" because things get much more simplified. Where his brain-mind used to want to ask "Where's this, and what kingdom is that, and how does the other fit in?" now it's all streamlined and simple, and I keep warning him not to tell me anything I don't already know from class. He says things are happening to him so fast that he keeps overloading and getting sick, and I think it's just part of his ordinary overdramatization. Interestingly, I note what he's STOPPED doing: peering around to see what others have joined us as we talk, do a session, or do bodywork! But he's NOT stopped tugging on his hair, getting ANGRY with me when I point it out to him. Remarking his anger, I say "I recall you wanted reminded of it," and he says "Not now," saying that he and Crystal are working on it, but it's obviously UP, since he's angry by my merely mentioning it! He misses the hamstrings on me, saying that I did the pattern correctly on him when I say was it him or Arthur that I transposed two parts of the pattern on. He says I missed his feet, which I didn't, and Arthur says I missed one set of HIS hamstrings, which I didn't, and we talk about how strange it is when people just go OUT and don't hear what's being said because it's too close to the HEART (to go back to THIS typo, where I added a t to the hear above the word typo) and we just bland (leave THAT typo, for blank, too) out on it.

ACTUALISM 88
10/18/80

COORDINATING ON 10/15

I'd told Meg that I'd been assigned no coordinating this month, and since she has about 220 hours already, regularly assigned twice or even three times per month, she phones on Monday to ask for a replacement for Wednesday afternoon, and since I have no commitments, I'm glad to say yes, since she'd asked me so many times and I've refused so many times. Get there early to find Richard burping through a session with Crystal and Laura, whatever THAT would have been---difficulties among the three of them? The day is very easy: two sessions with Crystal---actually only 1---and a couple of bodies for Elaine Hyams. No one says anything to me about the field, so maybe it WAS calmed down by Sunday's incursion (see ACTUALISM 86), which I'm glad I didn't know about until afterward. Richard gave me a typical project: fill out sheets for IF's for him and Stan, and that takes me ALL the spare time that I'm not re-reading the Coordinator's Manual, so I don't have to worry what to do with my time---or even have much time to do fieldwork to see what the center "looks" like. Give my hair-sample envelope to Crystal, who looks at the hair and asks "Did you follow the instructions and balance this on the card? It looks like there's not enough there." I find myself saying "Yes," observing my discomfort, amazed that I'm too embarrassed to admit that it WAS light, but when she leaves I hack away at the back of my nape for about an equal quantity of hair, telling her when she comes back, "I trusted your perceptions more than mine, so I added hair," and she said, "That's good, since if there wasn't enough they'd just have to send it back and we'd have to do the whole thing over again," without accusing me of acting like a stealing child under her watchful mother. Odd feelings to merely observe and resolve never to bother with again. What's WRONG with confessing to doing something wrong? I also said I REALLY wanted a session with her about perception, since she keeps pushing me to the limits and I get VERY activated in class and in the coordinator's meeting, and she looks at me in her cold way and says "Yes, we've certainly got to have a conference about that," but I have no idea when she'll be able to fit me into her schedule. Soon, I hope, but I said I understood that my two special teeth CRIFS took priority.

ACTUALISM 89
10/20/80

SPECIAL CRIF ON UPPER TEETH AND GUMS

Richard asks me to say what comes up when I think of the work to be done on my teeth, and I give him the gamut: anger, feeling they've betrayed me, sadness, regret for not having taken care of them, and wanting just to get rid of them: hating them. Not wanting the burden of caring for them, wanting them to be just as created without love, attention, effort, or energy. He said that gave me the resistances and blocks to work on, and quickly the tears began flowing, and when he said something about needing to love and support them even MORE for having been neglected in the past, I suddenly thought of various friends telling me that my PARENTS had hardly loved and supported ME as I was growing up, and I felt GREAT sadness that I was now treating my TEETH that way---the way I treat many friends: You do exactly what I want, when I want it, and don't expect any affection of attention or love from me aside from whatever bare essential you absolutely need. Lots of stuff along that line, lots of blazing up and consuming, and he tells me to open my feet when I experience a wonderingly reflexological constriction just inside my left instep, a little lune of constriction, and I showed him my X-rays beforehand, too. When I told him I'd formed hierarchy, he said to disband it, but the units would stand in their structures STILL unified with the other units AND closer to the seats of energy in the organs and cells. As I assimilate, with red this time, he checks with Crystal and says that I can use the Generative-Regenerative exercise to SQUEEZE energy into the mouth and other systems, registering OBSTRUCTIONS between the anus and the throat before it's dispelled where needed, and then 2) I can use SUNS in the mouth, but not gen-regen, but Left Hand (Red) and Radiant Warrior and Perfection on alternate days, putting in in AM and checking in dozens of times per day. Using the magnetic to draw obstructions to circulatory and health-giving and healing FLOW, using finger to massage gums, using dynamic to build in essence, and communicate love and goodwill to cell and organ egos, CONSTRUCTING the healing energies that I've been negating and blocking, OPENING myself structurally and functionally to healing. GREAT session, lots of stuff up to work on, even to mortality and NOT ENOUGH TIME.

ACTUALISM
10/25/80

3-7: COPILOT THROUGH ARCHETYPAL; CONTROL BAR; HALLS OF LEARNING

Forgot during the first part (see ACTUALISM 81) that after the identity was spread throughout the body, we had IE stand out front and communicate with us, and then reach out and REMOVE the obstructions from our eyes, ears, and throat which would keep us in fixed perspectives and points of view. This time we did the same thing in Perceptual body, Emotional body, Mental body, and then went up to soul to observe that ALREADY the copilot identity was established throughout the soul-body, feeling the expanse of that presence, and then we went up to Angelic, where Crystal said that Eden Consciousness was what we had HERE IN THIS WORLD when we kept looking for someplace that was HOME for us, in which we could be totally comfortable. Then at the last we went up to Archetypal, expanding the awareness of presence of copilot identity throughout Archetypal body, and with the feet of that body we were to reach down and feel the control bar which we could adjust and align each body in PERFECT alignment with each lower body, touching in on each level, particularly on the brain level, to make sure they were harmonized in each body at each level. We came down to physical, looking through each levels' eyes again, which caused me acute embarrassment, and I had to report that not since First Advanced have I had the urge to just LEAVE the room, with all types of worthless, hated, rage, fear coming up, obviously connected with the lack of support manifested on Monday for my teeth and with everything that I'm going through with maintenance conflicts. Then she said we were going to actually enroll in the Halls of Higher Learning here at the center, and she "brought in" the female coordinator of the schools of higher learning and one of the actual teachers (sex unsaid), and we signed up for 3 am on EVERY Friday, and she said we'd best move up to Mental to travel to center, leaving the body in something nice for sleep, like Regenerative, and then on Saturday morning harmonizing Mental Body brain with each lower level of brain, so that whatever perceptions were left there to record on the time-space level could be picked up and recorded. Traveling to center would help prevent our getting lost in the poor neighborhoods and the violence even amounting to WAR which is taking place on the intermediate levels right now that we might be picking up on and taking on as our OWN burdens, though they're not. Again class lasted until 10:35, we ate at Dakota until 12:10, home at 1:20 by late train.

ACTUALISM 91
11/5/80

CRIF ON LOWER TEETH AND GUMS AND JAW

Richard was pleased to hear my ease with the first periodontal session, and we started quickly, about 1:15, to get into the ANXIETY connected with dentists, and during the gathering it hit strongly that I may accept love from the Creator to the Creation, and the return love from the Creation to the Creator, but I was TOTALLY sloughing off on the love FROM CREATION TO CREATION, from the tooth-brushing arm to the teeth, from brain-mind to the body, from the body to brain-mind. He pressed to ask what idea I had of the body: worthless, idealized, or hated, and I said what HAD been idealized now turned to the worthless which was HATED. He said to get into the hate, and I started sliding around: it's not good to hate; how can I hate my body when I don't even believe in anything ABOVE the body to continue after the body's gone, though I certainly hate the body because it WILL go, yet it's silly to hate ALL I HAVE SO FAR. Took the next step and said that it was strange how I always aimed for ALL OR NOTHING: if the body couldn't be perfect, I hated it; if the creation didn't live FOREVER, living day-by-day became miserable; if the higher wasn't PERFECTLY perceptive to me, I denied it ENTIRELY. Richard thought that was very fruitful, and, as he did a number of times, then suggested we both work on it nonverbally. I couldn't resist telling him of the strong memory of Chuck's "We only love that which we feel is SUPERIOR to us," and how I didn't want to believe that at first, but how it seems to RULE my feelings now: I started loving Dennis because I thought he was easier, more together than I was, more pleased with himself than I was, more easily sexual with everyone than I was, that he had it ALL better than I did, and then when I found that he sometimes found it difficult to have an orgasm, played himself down too much, didn't want to change, looked to ME as being better, I suddenly felt that I couldn't love him for his child-likeness but had to hate his child-ishness, couldn't retain the affection for him as sexually free but looked with contempt and distancing on it as he fell into his relationship with Dick Currie and others who seemed to have more affection and attention for him than I have. I went through these thoughts and merely reported to Richard the DESTRUCTIVENESS to interpersonal relationships this "all or nothing" attitude was to me, and he kept asking where in my body I felt emotion: first in my gut, then in my throat, then in the stuffiness of sinuses behind my eyes, and I wept a good number of tears and blew my nose a few times and could report by the end of the session that the knottedness in the gut had gone, the clutch of the throat was greatly relieved, and I wasn't conscious of the nasal pressures anymore, and he said I'd churned up a lot and went through a lot, and I was glad to agree with him. I mentioned it to HIM that it was amazing how much could come from concentrating on the lower jaw, but it was only AMY who nailed the point home by talking about all the anger that's held in the jaw and how much that HOLDING had to do with tensions throughout the entire body. Linda Klau, who looked like a harpy with her spiky thin too-dark hair and her makeup (I hope) blackened eyes, said I looked great, and I felt pretty good as I assimilated for the last few minutes. Got out early at 2:45 and made about a dozen phone calls (11, in fact) to various herbal places trying to locate wild hickory bark and blackberry bark, and only the message I left with Arach brought results the following day when he said he'd send me a wholesale catalog from which I had to order at least a pound. Looked at the calendar to see if Crystal might have some openings for me, but didn't see any; also verified that I wasn't up for a coordinator's slot in December and that Richard could put me in for December 1, to leave the most free time before my trip, so a lot got done ALONG WITH the CRIF, with nothing much said for the following one, though Linda expressed something like wondrous envy when I told her that this was my 21st CRIF. Didn't even THINK too much of the effects of the session when it was over, but had more faith in the effects BEING there, making my life easier, having gotten rid of things that needed cleansing, and that evening when Bruce called (no, it was the PREVIOUS evening!) and told me about Benjamin Crème I felt patient toward him, and loving toward Dennis the NEXT day, too.

ACTUALISM 93
11/8/80

3-8 MOLECULAR LEVEL/RALPH METZNER/MY SEXUALITY

Crystal starts at 7:05, earliest yet, saying we won't have preliminary reports because she wants to get into something. So we gather with closed eyes (I'd asked ONLY if we were EVER going to have another tape, and she said that Third had fewer tapes, but there WERE tapes), then when she started talking about Free Will in a conversational manner, I opened my eyes and all but Dorothy had opened theirs and were engaging with Crystal's earnest eyes. She said that Free Will had always been a given, even in the past when the free will of a dark force was permitted to empty and take over a lightworker. Then Russell and Carol Ann and the staff, along with Planetary Logos and Hierarchy, last November, asked that the rules be changed and after much thought and battle and negotiation, the rules WERE changed, Actualism could be purged of double agents within the organization that were spreading dark forces within the organization, and the organization was again SEALED against infiltration with such forces. There would always be INDIVIDUAL free will, but now it could no longer co-opt other students. She then said this was a framework for talking about actual staff who had been dark-force channels against their own better natures. Ralph Metzner was the first, who had always played Devil's Advocate with Russell and with the organization, but that he increasingly refused to cooperate, play according to the rules, and submit his arrogance and intellectualism to the authority of Russell and the Lightwork principles. Ralph wanted to have both, refusing to commit every bit of himself for working with the light, thereby strengthening the position of the dark within himself. David Levin had been brought into the work by Ralph Metzner and remained under his influence. For the past year Crystal had worked with Ralph, and in moments of clarity he would admit that he had been co-opted by dark forces, but in moments of activation he would deny that he was doing wrong. Ralph's argument was that neither one side nor the other of him was clearly the RIGHT side, so that he had no reason to deny the OTHER side merely because of the strictness and authoritarianism of Actualism and its staff. His first draft of the article on Actualism in his new survey book on movements was severely weakened by constant "It is saids" and "It is purported," with no mention that he had been a fourth-advanced TEACHER in that school and had actually experienced the truth of much of what was previously mentioned as being only "Said to be true." Russell and Carol Ann revised that article and it seems to be better now than it had been, but she can't really recommend the book---anyway, she didn't read the revised article. I asked about "Maps of Consciousness" and she said frankly that Russell had written most of it: Ralph wrote it when he was only in First Advanced, came to Russell for assistance, and he wrote most of it. In fact, Russell and Carol Ann were even now writing a book and REWRITING Principles of Actualism, for reprint, but that Ralph's article wouldn't be reprinted, though it could still be shown around, since none of the authorship was attributed to Russell and he's no longer with the organization. She cautioned us against dreams involving Ralph (I told her to check up on Richard's copy of Dennis's dream about Ralph), particularly former students like Maya (who seemed very disturbed by it) and Margaret. She said that ironically the very rules Ralph complained about would now become stricter BECAUSE of the battle with Ralph: he'd taken over 1000 LSD experiments, and though that could have been used to form the basis of an incredible lightworker-teacher, he hadn't fully processed those residues which still influenced him. David had even been dealing. They had also refused the regular sessions with Russell and Carol Ann that were so essential to the continued effectiveness of staff, so that rather than holding the staff to their agreed-upon seven-year contract of service upon being given their teacher's garments, the contracts were released and they were given the opportunity to change or leave. At that point Lea chose to pursue her thoughts of enlightenment along the Tibetan route, not yet being a fourth according to their system, now enrolled in a monastery to see if her future lies there, so she's on "assignment" to fill her time and spaces with Tibetan Buddhism at a monastery and either follow that, or return to Actualism richer and more effective. Better to lose a teacher than to retain one who suspects she might be doing better elsewhere. She asked us to look into ourselves and see what personal holdings-back or constant voiceovers might be indications of harbored dark-force cooptation. I immediately thought of my perceptual block and said I'd like her to go into that if she thought it would benefit the group, and she said we'd talk of it privately. Michael seemed concerned about it, wondering if HE were on some sort of borderline, and Crystal ended up by saying that whoever FEARED something might be amiss would probably FIND something amiss. She said that ours was the first class she was talking with, that the battle had been joined for the past year and that THIS November would see the end of it. Maya was concerned about the "battle," talking about her dislike for killing, and Crystal kept insisting that the staff's interposition between the students and the dark forces was more than a standing-steady, but an actual interception with energy the hand that was reaching for the student, which was causing great maiming and loss of life at the intermediate levels. Marilyn jumped in to say that she'd seen all this GARBAGE at the astral level, and Crystal admitted that battles were pretty fierce there, and that might explain some of the low frequency we felt at time-space: the battles on the inner sometimes slopped over into the outer. Crystal announced herself as a martial arts expert on the inner, but that only those who chose to actively engage in the battle were doing so---others were tranquil and unaffected by the forays. Russell's meeting in December would be in part a celebration of the end of this battle and a proclamation of a new freedom. "Remember that enlightenment is NOT an open mind. You don't take these ideas into your field or your structures or your mind: you're open to look into them and challenge them from the outside. Anything that won't withstand the fires isn't worthy of being incorporated into you. So enlightened ones will actually incorporate a very NARROW range of experience---the others are just too heavy for them: they'll be checked out, burned up, and whatever can resist that will be good enough for incorporation." Then about 8:15 she whipped off the cover from the tape recorder and said "We have a tape tonight," and I chortled with glee. "We're getting a new level, the molecular level ---" and I let out a little yip: I'd included that in my report before Third, the difference being I thought the seat would be ABOVE Center 4, but it's IN Center 4, and with the talk of "elemental egos" I fear we won't be getting egos on the "basic particle" level. When she started the tape, the tone and quality of Russell's voice was completely different from the earlier tapes: where the previous tapes had been rigidly de-personalized, dogmatic, clipped and trimmed and patched and worked-upon, mostly monotonous, alone, with only motorcycle noises or wind chimes to break his droning voice, this was recorded in a class, with questions and answers and laughter, with an ease in his delivery that I first thought (in old terms) emphasized his HUMANITY but which I think emphasizes his PERSONALITY: his humor, his errors, his dissatisfaction with terms like "level": "It's a poor term: there's no separation between the levels, they're all interpenetrating INTERDEPENDENT with each other all along the way: there's no higher or lower, better or worse: the molecules ARE the cells ARE the organs ARE the creature-body." The Human was left out of this particular union: the Creature-Body Ego and matrix Ego were brought from front and back into Center 4 while IE lifted Organ Egos in Organ Seat, Cell Egos in Cell Seat, and then for the first time called Molecular Egos into Molecular Seat, at the very center of midbrain, right in the middle of center 4, which was appropriate, for the wisdom of the body was involved in the countless trillions of molecules which were the hormones and liquids and vitamins ("We've lost our ability to produce vitamin C, so don't forget to take your daily supplements!") which are ACTUALLY the emotion-producers and feeling-producers and mediators of all experience. We'll find these molecules fluid and quick changing as water AND rigid and crystalline as rock, so we have to stabilize the first and break down the rigidities of the second to harmonize at an every deeper level for a REAL breakthrough in enlightenment. He said something about "ever since the fall from Eden Consciousness produced the first incarnation," and I asked Crystal: "The stress had always been on how cells developed from molecules, basic creatures from cells, reptilian and mammalian pre-humans from basic creatures, but now it seems he's implying that AT A TIME the Archetypal "evolved down" from the Formless Form, then the Angelic, then Eden Consciousness, "evolved down" from Archetypal, and he was talking about the "evolving down" into soul or human AFTER the "fall from Eden Consciousness" at which point the soul or human could link with creature-body. She said that she didn't know, but even IF it were true, it would have been countless trillions of years in the past---so far in the past that talking about it in terms of this time-space was senseless---but that I was TRUE that ONLY as cellular-animal evolution reached MANKIND, HOMO SAPIENS, was there the FIRST incarnation, or link with the higher---the primordial cells didn't have Incarnating Egos OR Souls. Margaret then tried to fit this into the FALL OF MAN from the GARDEN of Eden, and Crystal said she didn't want to get into that at this time. During that tape there were COUNTLESS times that I heard echoes from the Intro tape, which (I'd just played for Ron two days before, AND he talked of "betrayal" and "it's not nice to murder" as coming up strongly from the molecular level, and I was flabbergasted to recall THOSE WORDS from the cranials on the teeth, and then Michael talked about acknowledgment on a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP basis and I suddenly thought of Dennis's incredible affection for me on Wednesday when I was so tired after Noorjaham, acknowledging our relationship in a refreshingly new way, by coming to ME and showing affection, rather than waiting for ME to affect HIM. My eyes filled and overflowed with tears of joy many times during the tape: at his flubs, at his humor, at his light laughter when he said something that tickled him, at the sheer joy of acknowledgement that we HAD been initiated into third advanced so that he could talk to us in a new, freer way. I wanted to ask Crystal if that were her giggle in the taped background at one time, but it was obviously AFTER she'd been through third advanced, so I didn't ask. Marilyn acknowledged Dorothy's HONESTY in reporting, Maya confessed to activation over Ralph and Crystal said she had work to do on her fear of giving battle on the inner for the good of the students, and she said beforehand that the Christmas party was only accepting a FEW VERY GOOD raffle items since it was going to be an afternoon affair with limited time, and Michael said that we were getting them a mini-trampoline and a freezer that they wanted for only $3 per student, which he was collecting from our class. Margaret talked about Benjamin Crème, saying that everything was going to be so wonderful, and even Crystal was saying that HER fears of a cataclysm which would be brought on by the liberality and personal tensions of Ted Kennedy being elected to the presidency in 1980, probably a very destructive war, were now defused by Kennedy's NOT being elected, and she talked with such APPROVAL of the election that they're obviously all staunch conservative Republicans as Russell would be. She also mentioned that the Jones controversy had caused their nonprofit status to be revoked for awhile, but when they represented and appealed their case, the courts reversed themselves in Actualism's favor. Class was over about 9:15, she said she wanted to talk to me privately about Dennis's dream, and while she was talking with Marilyn I chatted with Margaret, thanking her for her incredible report about the kitten that adopted her: "I can't stand to see anything alone and lonely---I have no family, my parents are dead, my brothers are in their own world, I didn't want anything to take care of---IMAGINE, I have to go home now and play with a CAT for an hour!" The class roared with pleased laughter. "I have to kiss it and love it, send messages to it at home (which everyone agreed that telepathic cats would pick up), but I have to take care of it and clean its box and worry about IT, so I don't even have time to worry about my OWN problems," and she seemed completely unaware of the observations and contrasts she was putting HERSELF into, and Crystal beamed and I almost cried with joy with her, but then Crystal was finished and I told Margaret we'd take it up next time, and Crystal said she'd check the dream with Richard but SHE wanted to talk with me about my sexuality: she'd checked with Russell and Carol Ann and that amyl nitrate ("amyl nitrite" I gently corrected), amyl nitrite WAS damaging to the body, possibly that's what took Peter Sellers out of form, with heart trouble, but be that as it may, I now had to decide with my free will whether to continue using something that was damaging to me. I said that I'd gotten increasing messages about that; smells in the refrigerator, spoiled gray meat and colorless butter with odd added tastes, and headaches and decreased function when concentrating on it, so that I could see myself giving that up. What next? My group activities were harmful and would have to stop if I would continue in third. What?! I thought and thought and finally asked her permission to tell her what ACTUALLY went on, to see the celebratory nature of the event. She accepted. I phumphered, then said the place was called J's, and Monday was J/O night, a night for masturbation, where everyone celebrated each other's orgasms. She said something about concentrating everything in one set of organs, I countered with the fact that with hands and smiles and encouragement from all around, the sensations were much EXTENDED from the genitals to ALL parts of the body, and the extraordinary thing was that it didn't seem to depend on the person or what the person was doing, it was a celebration of SEXUALITY and sheer MASCULINITY. She said that brought up the fact that a homosexual at the creature-body level wasn't necessarily homosexual at the perceptual, OR, since at the perceptual I'm feminine, I MAY be lesbian there, OR very heterosexual. I volunteered that since I disliked ANY kind of "penetrating" intercourse, probably on the female levels I was a virgin, but she said that I couldn't assume anything like that; I may be surprised. She kept saying that this was a very good place for dark-force influences to come in, and I said that I KNEW what it was like to NOT like a place, or activities, but that the direction this was going: to greater display, to greater CELEBRATION of the orgasm, was very heartening. She started to say something about the generative force being directed to reinforcing relationships between TWO people, and I REALLY bridled, saying that it was fine, except why restrict it to TWO: that sounded VERY limiting. I kept trying to find a good way to say that I thought SHE was being judgmental without even KNOWING what was going on when she said that she admitted to being new in this area: Carol Ann was having the homosexual seminars out on the coast, work was being done in that area rapidly, and I said I was GLAD that she admitted she was new, because I had been looking for a way of saying that SHE should be open to SEE actually what was going on. She proposed the following: that each evening for the next week, just before I go to bed, as I said, between 1 and 2, I would leave my body in Regenerative or whatever I wanted to leave it in, and rise up to the mental, which I would light with Soul and fire with the Wisdom light, and SHE would come to ME and show me, on the inner, what some of the results and actions were that came from the group sessions. I agreed, hoping that SHE would find out something that she didn't know before, and asked how I could try to earthe as much as I could, and she reviewed (which I'd forgotten from last time) how I should harmonize brain (AND heart and nerves, she said, since a lot of effects were on these levels, too) with each higher level so that AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE would filter down to brain-mind for my own personal realization. "This might be part of your perceptual problem, too," she said with some assurance. Otherwise, she said, I just couldn't continue with the Third Advanced work if I chose to concentrate on this level of sexuality, and I'd have to drop out of class and continue with IF's (and she listened to where I was on the cranials and said that I had to have at least through the Abducens, which numerically, anyway, is next) and Identity Integrations and special work until being cleared from this. I figured if it REALLY came to the crunch I could simply stay out of the group activity as long as I wanted to stay in third, but I guess I'd have to get very accurate guidelines about whether things like baths or even bars were "good enough" for them to go into. Yet I can't imagine just letting them tell me what I should do in my personal life, and maybe I should fire off a letter to Carol Ann saying that Crystal's just a bit too near-sighted to be objective on this---or maybe request some special conference with Russell when he's here. I can't quite see their agreement to admit homosexuals worth much if they begin to oversee the KIND of homosexual encounter, which I doubt they do on the HETEROSEXUAL level! Talked with Bruce, who was coordinating this evening, on the subway, and he's getting into II's pretty soon about his job. Then the next day Amy came over for a body session (that I'd forgotten to record in my book) and she said that Richard Otto (to whom Kathi Otto HAD been previously married! Talk about sexual exclusivity!!) had remarked that in the Reagan-Anderson debate "a higher being channeled through Ronald Reagan" when he started talking about his visions of a new leading role for America, and Amy winced and groaned and I winced and groaned, saying they must be conservative and republican and militaristically inclined, and Amy summed it up by saying they were from Southern California, which for HER said the whole thing. So in one 14-hour period I get their approval of Reagan, their disapproval of Ralph Metzner and his personal beliefs, their disapproval of MY sexual activity, and a FABULOUS tape from Russell. Can't even tell Amy about Ralph Metzner because it's not to be told out of class until all the 3rd's are told, but I DID tell her that I was working on a special project for a week, and after that I wouldn't mind talking with her about what I saw to be a difficult situation between me and Actualism. There's the added peripheral idea that if I dropped out of my class, it would REALLY evaporate, being down to 5. When Amy says that Ken is so sweet and pleasant and open, I really wonder, again, whether I might be liable for his corruption if I make a pass at him, since he seems to be so open to ANYTHING, though it appears he might NOT be going on this TRIP with Andre and me to Mexico in December! I ate dinner, jerked off rather unsatisfactorily from 12:45-1:15, with the idea that Crystal might be looking over my shoulder, and then got instantly to sleep, jotting down some dream notes as they occurred to me during the night (see DREAMS 86). More thoughts in evening: Crystal: all that mass-mind attached to such sexuality. Me: I know the DIFFERENCE between what mass-mind (including YOU) THINK goes on in such places and what REALLY goes on (on the physical level, of course) there Monday. Crystal: But mass-mind IS that IMAGE of it, and you can't be (seen there?) as a Third!

ACTUALISM 102
11/16/80

CONFERENCE WITH CRYSTAL

Mary Stanley verifies my 1 pm conference at 10:40, just when I'm about to call her to check. Get there just at 1, get charged $32.50 for one hour, and go up to 1607 to glimpse what I take to be professional photographs of Clouds and sunsets over Grand Canyon, and glance at the bookcases with books, and Crystal comes out about 1:04 to parade the photographs before me; SHE took them, and shows me snapshots predawn where "a great light appeared at the edge of Wotan's Throne, like an Empire State Building burning up, and then it slowly lifted up and we were ready to be taken aboard a UFO, when it turned out to be the BRILLIANT morning star, which moves at the edge of the blue of night and the pink of dawn," and I exclaim over the photographs taken with no light meter with intuitive setting, and I agree rather blankly when she ALSO describes the chorus of enormous beings both she and Richard see (this is July, 1980, their honeymoon) greeting the dawn with waving white arms. Then she sits down about 1:20 and I talk a bit too much; I WANT to continue with the lessons, DON'T want to give up either the dwindling sex with Dennis, the continual sex with Bob Rosinek, and the one-shot sex with Gary at the baths, but she says there mustn't be promiscuity, which she defines as a FIRST meeting on the SEXUAL level. I say I didn't think sex was that important, and she says it IS: I should concentrate on expanding my dimensions by STARTING with something OTHER than sex and ADVANCING to sex, which would strengthen my Perceptual, which she "saw" as being not at ALL seated in the Pelvic Bowl because I'd completely denied ANY connection between my being and my FEMALE GENITALS, since I was female on the perceptual level. She talked about the need for BALANCE, and that she used her Masculine component in dealing with women in class who were activated by COMPETITION, and I remarked that the best MEN teachers: Bruce Jaffe and Richard, had both these components, as compared with the less effective Winston. She smiled. She kept insisting that the MODE of my sexual interactions, being homosexual, didn't have to be changed, but that I would have to investigate my own FEMININE components. She said that when we shifted (she'd held to her contract, she insisted, even though she knew that I hadn't picked up on much from it) from the Mental to the Emotional she experienced MY being blocked in that level. She said that my MENTAL came through very well (and said that the MENTAL would be the STEADY, ENLIGHTENED thinking, while brain-mind would represent the fuddled, troubled, silly reporting like Margaret Meschio can do, while her Mental reports MARVELOUSLY, though not possibly COMPLETELY) in time-space, but that because my PERCEPTUAL was so completely blocked, I had trouble reaching my Emotional, and she said that Richard verified that in CRIFs as she did in classes. She said she experienced that I COULD contact in a very feeling way in the session we shared together in class, but that I should BROADEN this to operate on a far GREATER level out of the two dimensions of pure touching or pure sexuality, bringing much more emotion into it. I said I was willing to be less promiscuous, and she tuned in and said the SOULS said that I could continue, but that her INCARNATING EGO said there was something underlying (which I said might be fear of failure, not living up to potential, or falling back in class, triggering my "better than thou" and judgmentalism) which should come up, so I should take lots of IIs. I said I'd love to, but the SCHEDULE was so tight, and she announced, to my delight, that Bruce Jaffe was coming in January to do class work and IFs, so that would free her for far more IIs, so that schedule difficulties should ease. I said that was great, I'd like to do BOTH, and she said it was possible, and I said that I'd FELT that giving up grass was good, so I'd now FEEL if giving up promiscuity would be good. She said she felt there could be TWO relationships going on sexually at once (from personal experience?) but that three were too many. She said she felt "in the middle" with the three men to be there, Bruce said "something" was coming up about Stan and Linda, but not that Linda was leaving, and I said that I was glad things could move quickly, and she said I might find that I had too much coming up, but we'd check it out as we went along. She talked about her previous lives as a lesbian and Carol Ann's work with gays in California and how it might affect NYC soon. Then I asked her if I could discuss this with anyone, and she oddly thought that at first I meant with "the homosexual community" which existed in Actualism, and said that would run the risk of separating her from them, which she might have to do anyway. I let her make that assumption, then said with CLOSE friends, and she said that everyone should have 2-3 CLOSE friends that of course it would be OK to discuss it with, and I said that Dennis was prejudiced AGAINST Actualism so I couldn't tell HIM about it, but DIDN'T mention that it would be Bruce and Amy. Does she assume that all the gay guys in Actualism just automatically know and have sex with each other? I also mention that I'm very wary of "coming on" to Actualism students, and she asks with some surprise why that is, but we don't pursue the conversation, so I have to get more information on that. I do NOT get the idea that my "emphasis on the female sexuality" would involve getting actively involved (in a passive way) in fucking, but it would probably mean being more receptive sexually in many ways. I mention that my relationships with Dennis is waning because he doesn't want to seem to grow out of a childlikeness, whereas I feel that I'm coming to a new sense of maturity, and she says that as far as she can see that's been the theme for the year: maturity, and she says that the Identity Integrations involve going back to the earliest imprints from infancy and working through THOSE to bring the Personality to a new level of integrated adulthood and maturity, so I say "Oh, what a coincidence." She's very warm to me when it's over, and I hardly feel like I've PROMISED anything, but it DOES come to me later that I DO have to restrict my sexuality now, and it's NOT like grass: that I'd been thinking it should have been done---though I do mention to her that my current hassle with teeth brings to mind that MOST men have problems with their prostates in later life, and that my particular sexuality is reported (by lengthening period to orgasm, which I don't mention to her) to increase chances for prostate problems, so there MAY be long-range benefits from changing my patterns of sexuality and promiscuity.

ACTUALISM 105
11/21/80

3-9 EGO RECOGNITIONS

Crystal started by saying that Laura and Stan have divorced (so that's why they moved into 1615: for two bedrooms, when the other couple moved to one bedroom) and that Bruce Jaffe's coming, probably without Autonomic Nerve Series, which will probably come in June, when we're ready for it after the Cranial Nerve Series (and looking at the Autonomic, it could be 6, or 12, or 18, or 24), possibly only until the summer, possibly longer, but there'll be a male pelvic scheduled for January very soon. She then announces that we'll be getting into the EGOS, not the human ego, but particularly looking in some detail and support at the Matrix Ego, the first real session with it, and then the Organ Egos, the Cell Egos, the Molecular Egos, and these in their home centers mainly: and we no longer form hierarchy, merely harmonized all the egos in their home centers, since they've learned how to interrelate through Hierarchy already. In general the format is that IE goes into the seat, calls the ego to harmony IN the seat, listens to what it has to say (whether it's whining and complaining, or saying "Nobody's here at ALL," or angry, or feeling neglected and worthless, or whatever), harmonizing with it, supporting it, and then having IE go with it to its structures and seeing what kind of harmonization can be done there, to lift the structures and systems out of their low-frequency obstructions. This wasn't a blockbuster section for me, except that when she said she saw some BATTLE going on at cellular level, I got a message that I've been ADJUSTING from being DYNAMIC and CONTROLLING to being more MAGNETIC and RECEPTIVE, even on a cellular level. I got an electrical "potential" or "armature" idea from the matrix, which Dorothy saw and which Mara saw for the cells, but brain-mind was willing to stand aside and SEE what happened rather than keeping insisting that nothing COULD be happening, and somehow my report seemed VERY positive and uplifting, moving considerably from my thinking WHAT could I say? Crystal's having to leave at 9:30, restricting reports to 3 minutes, except for Mara's 8 and Margaret's 6, helped me out, but Ken was meeting his brother to eat in the Village, so I left for Dennis's at 10, having called him and he's making diner, and I pick up awful Dobosh torte at Éclair for a nice $2.20 (as opposed to the $2/slice prices at Natural Foods), a flavorful Cassis and a good wine for $15 at subway.

ACTUALISM 106
2/8/81

RUSSELL SCHOFIELD 12/5/80

7:05: Neil Sendar, Linda Klau, Suzanne Hoebermann, Marilyn Pappert, Bob Hoebermann, me, Ken Miller, Dorothy Hunter, Michael Blackburn, Marilyn Gutin, Bruce Lieber, Crystal Snyder Otto, Gene Adams, Pat Mandino, Mara Alper, Margaret Meschio, Bob Dukes, Mary Stanley---turned out to be ONLY Bruce's and my classes, with Bob Dukes who couldn't make it to the FIRST third's meeting. So I'm still not in the "top" group. To pass time before others arrive, Russell reads his new poems: LOVE REVEALS LOVE, LOVE'S GREAT SPAN, and CITY OF LIGHT (with arms and legs uncrossed. Breathe Breath of Life with PARTED lips; breathe from source. Tight-lipped people are NOT warm (?). Breathe in LUNGS and HEAD.

The Magi; Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego; Daniel---taking "I"s and INTEGRATING them to LIGHT TASK FORCE.

He draws a circle which is the mind and the personality, saying that the top small clear area is objective awareness: knowing, sensing, feeling. Terra Incognita, where many I's live, is gradually pushed back as the clear area is expanded by enlightened awareness into OUR minds and the minds of those we RELATE with. When 50% is clear the person is an ADEPT. When 100% is clear the person is a MASTER, which means released from ALL evolutionary and infantile and PRIMITIVE (from earth, water, amoeba, amphibia, land mammal) conditioning imprints. Then as the mind expands with radiant beingness, he draws an outer circle which he says is the TOTAL radiant beingness: the mother/father creator-god, who created god-children by TRILLIONS. THAT is surrounded by a dotted nebulosity which is GOD. The Chaldean script, he says, is OLDER than Sanskrit and Pali.

God thought, let, observed and EXPERIENCED LIGHT from his own presence. God-children ALWAYS in throughout and all about microcosmic and macrocosmic creation. God gives free will to lighted beingness; lighted beingness gives free will to PERSONALITY. If not LIGHTED will, then there is DESIRE.

Ignoring god-child nature, we create IMAGES of GOD.

We CONSTANTLY receive and send telepathically---PERHAPS below awareness.

We're here because we CHOSE it; we have a JOB to do.

If you could read your PLANTS, you could read your guests.

Balanced posture maintained by enlightened awareness.

Whenever you HUG fiction (to heart/head/liver/nerves) and DISREGARD fact, you have disease.

If you HATE FICTION, or rage at it, PAIN RETURNS.

3-legged balance: enlightened knowing awareness; enlightened sensory awareness; enlightened emotional awareness. To 8:05.

People with unintegrated I's CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

Go to SLEEP breathing fire breath in AFFLICTED organs OR in lungs/head/heart, for happier, more joyous INNER work.

We're never LONELY when we're UNITED with OUR God-child, which is united to God and all OTHER god-children!

The ONLY treasure we can TAKE WITH US is what we GATHER in enlightened awareness.

SEPARATISM is good for dividing cells in FETUS (though they're INTERDEPENDENT), but not as adult---hold no FICTIONS of dependence OR independence.

"Daughter" esoterically is FORM (and I'd guess "Son" is thereby function).

Neanderthal man BECAME Homo Sapiens, above OTHER man-animal combos in myths.

QUANTUM LEAP between Neanderthal PARENT and god-child of Cro-Magnon CHILD. Neanderthal was VERY long-lived!

Primitive imprints unsealed in EDEN, and Cain killed Abel and STARTED brother killing brother.

Poem: Law of return---coming out in a BOOK next year.

8:45 reports. 9:10: Fire-breath has to be BOTH without-in AND within-out, so you know it's HAPPENING.

The NEW "Upper room Connection": Inner breath and REGULAR harmonization, to become Free of Primitive Preservations.

Come to a level of the work they (teachers) can handle nonjudgmentally.

You've reached a point where YOU can decide what sun to turn on; if you don't KNOW, experiment, as ACTUAL ENLIGHTENMENT scientists.

Experiment, speed up your enlightened awareness, and ENJOY.

You can go faster because 1) You can deserve it, 2) PRESSURES are increasing.

SEARCH with WISDOM and REVEAL truth or fiction in a situation.

Identity integrations step up POWER, and FREEDOM, and CAPABILITIES.

Magis had the magic of single-pointed totality.

Dryness of mouth (in fire breathing) is a detail to be overcome in time. Over at 9:43.

ACTUALISM 108
2/16/81

3-10 FOUR-FOLD EIGHT-FOLD FOUR-FOLD WAY

Our second tape, Russell being somewhat more quiet and less "human" than in the first tape, though it was funny to hear someone (Carol Ann?) whispering to him in the middle of THIS tape. Though my mind boggled when he DID mention the "fourfold, eightfold, fourfold way," it quickly came to terms with it: the four KEYS (which Crystal explained before: the actual UNIT, the MATRIX of that unit, the FIELD of that unit, and the fourth component, which could be called the matrix of the field or the field of the matrix, and I asked HER about that before hand, digesting it, so that I had to smile in the TAPE when HE brushed over it and I UNDERSTOOD it thoroughly), touched down through each of the eight LEVELS (archetypal, angelic, soul, mental body, emotional body, perceptual body, human, and creature body), with the key between each level for the interacting interlock---and the four SCALES at which each level is treated: the molecular, the cellular, the organ, and the whole-body level. I found the IDEA of the lesson very stirring: here we were to actually touch THE ARCHETYPAL PERFECTION OF MOLECULE/CELL/ORGAN/BODY AND bring that directly DOWN THROUGH ANGELIC, SOUL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PERCEPTUAL, HUMAN, to PHYSICAL FORM. It SEEMED SO powerful that I reported that it seemed THIS was the real initiation into the work, that THIS was what we'd been working for, that THIS was what the work had been leading toward. I felt that there was a LOT of work to be done during the week, but that I UNDERSTOOD the process, whereas most of the others were busy writing down what had to be done in what order. Crystal said that brain-mind COULDN'T keep all these details in place AT ONCE, so it would HAVE to be blown, but I thought it FELT GOOD to brain-mind to UNDERSTAND what was actually going on, and during the lessons I kept THINKING "four keys: that's angelic body, angelic body matrix, angelic body field, and angelic body matrix-field, interacting with the archetypal above that, for each organ---for example. I actually DID the session a few times and felt GOOD doing it, and wanted to do it more, and was glad that the NEXT Session was just a slight EXPANSION of his session, because it felt good and POWERFUL to STAY there.

ACTUALISM 109
2/16/81

3-11 REPEAT OF 3-10 WITH NETWORKS FROM BODY LEVEL

Crystal did this session, and there was such a fuss about Bruce Jaffe sitting in with us (he's been sitting in last time, and I said I felt SQUEEZED IN between him and Crystal, and he inquired mildly "Squeezed in??" and let it go at that. With all that, I didn't hear that she did much of ANYTHING different, except to confirm that I WAS doing it right, except for details like IE actually STAYING at Archetypal and just pressing the keys while not actually MOVING to the various levels, and this time she added an expansion through the networks at each level when we did it from the BODY level, the last one. Like the tape, she went VERY slowly at first, at the molecular level, and then as time ran out she went faster and faster toward the end until it was just sort of a listing of parts---and I felt that we should somehow STAY in the final stage to LUXURIATE for a bit, but she just showed us what we were to do and that was that. Michael had reported that he was happy that each session didn't have to last an hour and a half, and I didn't do it too many times, so I was glad when she didn't ask for specific reports for each person. Marilyn made a great point about feeling Bruce's power in this class (and in the previous class, which may be why in the NEXT class Bruce sat in the BACK of the room, where not too many people said too many things about him: maybe Crystal was getting jealous, though she kept calling on him to make various announcements and help her with HER announcements about female pelvic sessions, intro classes, and various selling pitches that I thought were building up a bit too much these days. Didn't have a very POWERFUL session, but there was enough to talk about when it came time for my report, with a few SMELLS in evidence and some ideas of the POWER of the technique at various specific places which I forget at this remove of three weeks. Where I'd done the PREVIOUS session only TODAY, just to make sure there weren't questions about it, I managed to do it THREE times in the next two weeks, so I DID feel it was a good thing and that it COULD be speeded up, and that it DID feel part of me, so that I could get the EMBELLISHMENT the next class put on it. But at the SAME time I started actually questioning how much I wanted to REMAIN in Actualism NOW.

ACTUALISM 110
2/16/81

KNOWING INTELLIGENCE 3-12 - 2/6/81

I'd been feeling very JUDGMENTAL through the previous week, feeling IMPATIENT with no one being as PRODUCTIVE, QUICK, ACTIVE, or INTELLIGENT as I was, so I hoped that this session would have something to DO with it. But Crystal dropped a real BOMB at the start: we as a group are TOO SERIOUS!! I could see that being said for Marilyn, Margaret, and even Michael and Mara at times, but not for ME, yet she didn't seem to be about to exempt me from that generality. I thought of a few reasons she was NOT being reasonable at the time, and then while typing an index on 2/10 I came up with a LONG list of reasons why her request was ludicrous: ACTUALISM demands 1) No grass, 2) No amyl, 3) No sweet wines or sugars, 4) that we be "exemplars from Third Advanced," 5) that we enforce silence with classes as coordinators and get shushed if we laugh too loud, 6) No promiscuous sex, 7) Don't gossip or discuss class work with other students, even from the same class, 8) Guard against "open magnetics to low-frequency forces"---and WE'RE serious? 9) Ralph Metzner attacking students on inner, 10) no readings with Amy, 11) Stay away from low-frequency "dives," 12) You people ALL like REAGAN!!, 13) I'd be AFRAID to tell you that I a) read science fiction, b) look at porno (which came under attack 2/17!!), c) watch horror movies, d) talk hours on phone to friends, e) play Scrabble, f) masturbate, g) don't intend to care for my mother, h) cruise in gym, showers, and steam room, i) like to fantasize, j) consider WORK deadlines more important than daily SESSIONS, k) talked at WSDG and did a j/o survey---for fear you'll DENY ALL THEM!!
14) Do I now start "APPEARING more jolly" to satisfy YOUR needs that I NOT be serious?? 15) What would happen if we STARTED to laugh a) about Russell, b) about teachers, c) about lessons, d) about classmates, openly?? 16) Rather than TAKING ADVANTAGE of individuality, you seem to want to STIFLE and REGULATE and RESTRICT it!! So THAT was an activating start for the class in which we were introduced to KNOWING INTELLIGENCE, where I FORGOT so much of the data of the class and was SO spaced out at the end that I had to telephone Crystal LATER to ask for the details of the physiological basis. This introduces six SUBCENTERS, which my question makes clear are NEW areas, rather than subordinate functions of EXISTING centers. Lighted branches of the Central Vertical Axis connect Center 3 at the TOP of the head with four of the subcenters around the SIDE of the head: the AJNA subcenter in the third-eye area, used for perceiving the meaning within the appearance; the Old Brain subcenter (all these are half-in, half-out of the head) at the rear which coordinates the whole with the parts; the left ear which hears meaning along the VERTICAL; the right ear which hears meaning along the HORIZONTAL. Branches from center 4 connect to the MOUTH subcenter, for listening and monitoring meaning before speaking: to speak with truth. Other Branches from center 4 go to the ear subcenters, and the brain. Center 5 is connected to the Rod of Power Subcenter, right in front of center 5. So the mouth is connected to Center 4 AND to Center 5. This is all established once and for all, and then the tape follows through the same pattern through the fourfold, eightfold, fourfold system, though quite rapidly. I don't get much of anything from the session, though when Crystal starts to speak I get a whiff of some sort of musky PERFUME that seems somewhat out of the ordinary, and there's a sweet smell when she talks about some other kind of high frequency, and I might REALLY be picking up on the olfactory, though I forget to mention that in the report. My report is quite short, and somewhat depressed, since I say that I feel I have a lot of work ahead on this. I'm still partly hung up on her accusation of seriousness, which I say activates me in the beginning, but I also say that I want to think about it before saying anything more on it. Other reports are equally as serious. I'm looking forward to the identity Integrations to get all these conflicting ideas into line, yet I think that the work is exciting enough to want to continue. I miss Dorothy, however, though soon the classes will be split into two sections and everything will be different anyway. She keeps talking about the power and autonomy we should have as Thirds.

ACTUALISM 112
2/18/81

FIRST CEREBROSPINAL SESSION 2/2/81

I'd gone in expecting a chair session, she says it's a body session, so I have to apologize for not having washed my hair, today being a gym day. I strip down to shorts and lie on my back on the table, and she comes in for a brief gathering from a chair at the TOP of my head, and then moves to the right SIDE and holds one hand under and one hand on my forehead and does most of the session silently, though saying I should share anything that comes up. After a long period of silence I say that my throat is tense in the way that implies tears, and she said I should tune in with my Incarnating Ego to get more feedback. I mention I could go into a fantasy of floating in a perfumed pool of flowers, and she says that I have to get away from the idealized. She said that evolutionary-tail things might come up, but I didn't see anything that pertained to that sort of thing. Lay fairly peacefully through the session, that felt pretty long, and when she left I felt QUITE heavy-limbed and almost spaced-out, so I experimented with the thought of leaving my body, strongly willing my human up toward the ceiling so that I could look down on myself. Then I cautiously raised my head, which felt like it weighed about twice normal, and looked down to see my usual body in the usual position. But the EFFORT it took to raise my head impressed me with the WEIGHT that I was feeling, so that when Crystal came in after about 20 minutes of assimilation and I mentioned that I seemed to NEED the time and the SLOWLY when she said "Get up SLOWLY," she said people were usually affected that way, and I was pleased that SHE would acknowledge that this was a potent session even though I had no specific topic-tie-in. And I didn't suspect at the time that she was just SEEING that I seemed to be flattened and said SLOWLY as a sort of a joke and then went along with my feelings of a powerful session. She momentarily confused me by saying I'd have to have two sessions with Bruce Jaffe, but then she said these were the brain disconnects that Alice had done as part of the Cranials, so I could be scheduled for my first II in March, after my second Cerebrospinal session on the 24th of February. FELT session for $20.

ACTUALISM 113
2/18/81

FIRST MEN'S PELVIC IN AGES 1/27/81

Got there EXACTLY at 7:30 and was surprised to find that I was the LAST person to arrive, and delighted when Bruce announced that this was 100% of the third-advanced men, since Bob Dukes dropped out: George Pierson from the first class, George Hudacko looking fitter than ever and Dick Holt more silent than ever from the second class, Bruce Lieber and Neil Sendar and Ken Miller and Gene Adams and Bob Hoebermann from the third class, and Michael Blackburn and me from the fourth class---as opposed to only 3-4 of the SECOND male class which should have had about 10 attending. He recommended we all read Goldberg's "Hazards of Being Male," particularly the chapter on Buddyship, even though the book would activate us. Then we went into the session with Radiant Warrior, and he was appalled to check during the start of the session that most had done few sessions and a few (this was with eyes closed, so I don't know) had actually done it NO times before, as I had (or hadn't). But though there was lots of "This is silly, nothing's going on, when I compare right and left sides I get nothing on BOTH sides" by the time I reported I could at least say that I was gratified that there DID seem to be an increase in ease of following through with the session as compared with before. Then there was a long talk about whether we wanted to meet every 4 weeks or every 6 weeks, settling on 3 weeks for NEXT time and 6 weeks for the time after that, in some way leading him to say he's probably pleased everyone, though not everyone would actually be expected to attend each session, since we'd have other travel plans. Everyone seemed to want to be more "buddies" with everyone else, but no one had the TIME. Gene Adams seemed to open about being more NONSEXUAL than anything, though getting MORE into sex recently, and Bob Hoebermann talked openly about incidents with his wife and children. Bruce Jaffe insisted that he be thought of as one of the processors, though he emphasized his "4A" status by saying he was now buddies with Gil Messenger and Jon Terrell, the OTHER male 4A's. I reported at the START that I was still getting accustomed to doing without certain activities as directed before going into Third: Crystal.

 

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