REORGANIZATION OF THIRD ADVANCED
ACTUALISM 114
2/16/81
My Russia-China trip had ORIGINALLY been thought of between 12 May and 7 July, based on Ute's thought that the bulk of the work on the Procaryote index would START in July. But since that was smack in the middle of the Actualism "vacation," it seemed OK. Then in early January Ute moved the Procaryote index due-date UP a month, which made it seem that the trip would have to be moved AFTER the index, so then the LATEST (since we were scheduled to merge with the advancing third group in about five months, which would stretch from mid-April to mid-September) possible trip would be 14 July through 25 August, since the next trip wouldn't be back until the END of September. Not to mention that Avi might go WITH me then, since it was spang in the middle of summer; though he ended up saying he wasn't considering going at ALL, what with the extra expenses ROBIN represented remaining in NYC. THEN at 9:30 this morning Crystal calls to say that Third Advanced is being completely REORGANIZED, bringing down lots of work from second-phase third into first-phase third, so that even though ELEMENTS of first-phase third we may have had, we wouldn't be auditing at ALL when we joined forces, so the only possibility would be to go BEFORE we merge, since I really DON'T have to take the classes NOW! When I check the schedule, the FIRST trip is 31 March to 12 May, which she says would mean that I would have to delay identity Integrations, which would be OK, and maybe take some makeup classes NOW that would bring me even with the classes that I'd miss between mid-April and mid-May, PROVIDED she could get the actual CLASS material from Hilltop in TIME, which she would have to check on. THEN she added: "Be sure that you ask the higher; maybe you shouldn't really be going to Russia: they have very powerful dark-force mentality there: telepaths who wouldn't find any difference in your being there on your own or being in a group of tourists, and maybe it would be better all around if you didn't make the trip at all. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go, but it would be good for you to tune into your higher to get some feedback while I'm seeing if I can get the lesson plans from Hilltop for you to take the earliest trip." She said that the last time Third Advanced was reorganized was recently---then she paused and said it was three or four years ago, making the whole of Third Advanced a four-and-a-half-year sequence, but it was incorporated into the phases of Third Advanced simultaneously, so it didn't TAKE four-and-a-half years to implement. I envisioned, somehow, a first phase of a year, second phase of a year and a half, and a third phase of two years, which would follow the same progression as basic, first, and second in lengthening time; allow for two years for a person to teach basic before getting into Fourth and teaching First; and fit with the people in 3A going into the second phase in about a year. She said that ALL these reorganizations usually served to bring MORE advanced material into EARLIER introduction, so that techniques could be better earthed over the longer introduction phase. She said that mass-mind factors were getting stronger and more negative, and this reorganization would help defend more strongly against low-frequency inroads. She didn't say what this would do to the OTHER classes more advanced than mine---but maybe she doesn't know, since she hasn't got the OUTLINE from Hilltop yet, so she can't tell me whether it wouldn't be EASIER for me to make up material given in July, say, rather than making up the first FEW classes in MAY. But I felt a bit of discouragement that our current classes had suddenly become OUTMODED, though there'd be LOTS that we couldn't TALK about in our merged class until maybe WAY later if they didn't introduce, say, Knowing Intelligence until long AFTER we got it, so as to introduce something else. When Bob Dukes described the lengthening of Second with the lifebelts, it seemed that it just made it LONGER and more THOROUGH before going on to NEW material, rather than actually speeding anything up or giving any MORE information. So that was depressing, thinking that we'd be even MORE behind, now that third was different and LONGER. Maybe 3A HERE would have already passed BEYOND what would have been changed, though I guess the class BETWEEN would have to be changed somewhat, since they weren't into the SECOND phase of third yet, so I guess it's better for ME that we're changing now rather than LATER. But it's all in the FUTURE!
ACTUALISM 115A
2/16/81
CONVERSATION WITH BRUCE LIEBER
In the middle of typing the PREVIOUS page, not five minutes after I hung up with Crystal, who called between 9:30 and 10, BRUCE called at 10:05, talking about how the first identity Integration dealt with infantile things, how he might WANT to have a child except for the constant responsibility, which he wouldn't like if he's teaching or acting as a Lightworker in the world, and how Alice MIGHT have been cracking down on his class to get to the "intensity" Crystal has with our class. I talk about her saying we shouldn't be so serious while at the SAME time insisting on our responsibilities and powers, and while at the same time ACTING as if she wants to be humorous and it's mostly FORCED, as Bruce saw ALICE as being forced, which I did NOT see. Then I said that ALICE was far more easy on my sexual activities, where Crystal doesn't want to ACCEPT them, and Bruce said that if I wanted to write a letter to Russell about it, he'd support me: HE now felt easier talking about sexual things because of his meetings with Arthur in which he gets ACTIVATED about Arthur's activities in bars and baths and bed, but then he sees ARTHUR and finds that it's all OK. That leads me to the observation that I DON'T think CRYSTAL has come to that point with ME: of actually SEEING HOW IT IS THAT I RELATED IN these frameworks, so that she COULD decide that it would be OK for me to continue, WITHOUT getting sucked into it OR abrogating my "responsibility as a Third Degree Lightworker." I thanked Bruce for THAT observation, saying that he WOULD be able to help with with formulating just WHAT it is I don't see eye-to-eye with Crystal sexually. Bruce also mentioned "reacting" and I said I thought Alice did NOT react: her mirror was polished and clean; whereas Crystal DID react, but I thought HER mirror was flawed and obstructed there, and SHE might need to work more there: Alice and Russell being OLDER, also, and more experienced at "letting it be" than Crystal, who Bruce describes as being a "real warrior" where I would say she was pushy. Good conversation, ending at 12:15, and I finish this page at 12:30, the whole morning gone in two telephone conversations and a quick jerkoff after last night's SLOW jerkoff.
ACTUALISM 116
2/18/81
SECOND MEN'S PELVIC SEMINAR 2/17/81
Again 100% attendance, and I goofed my chance to SHARE by replying "I'm glad I'm gay" to Bruce's question of our impression of the book. George Hudacko pointedly disagreed with me, talking about difficulties he had with role playing IN relationships regardless of the gender, and then others shared before I mentioned that everyone seemed to be taking the MASCULINE tack that I'd noticed in myself: scheduling everything, having little passive time, never having enough time for THINGS TO DO. No one seemed impressed by that. I thought we'd be working in Cosmic Mother when Bruce started talking about the need to balance the Magnetic and Dynamic, and he surprised me when he said that Objective Creative was the energy for that! I got VERY little out of the session except frustration and resistance and boredom and even a bit of "I'm going to STOP this" with terminal twitches. Then the "squeeze" play seemed good, others reported incredible advances and insights, so I permitted myself to say that I was resistant and in the MIDDLE of it I got the idea that I HAD been giving in to my magnetic since my conference with Crystal 11/15/80, over three months ago, and I wasn't GETTING any new experiences and THAT contributed to my feelings of frustration and impatience with the Objective Creative (though I also admitted that it probably reflected the fact that I felt I wasn't DOING anything objectively creative recently). Decided to BE more active and asked Bruce for a short conference in which he said he'd talk to Crystal about the idea of OUR having a conference, if Crystal couldn't get me something soon in HER crowded schedule, and he said I'd have to change my II scheduled for our NEXT meeting, March 25. Then Crystal said the next morning, when I called her, that the reorganization of Third Advanced would make II's better with some tool we'd be getting a bit LATER, so I'd get my II's AFTER the trip, which was now to be considered official for the July-August period, and continue with CRANIALS, which would free me for the next Male Pelvic, and SHE'D talk with Bruce and see if he and I mightn't have a conference about sexuality, since I freely confessed they seemed to be ruling EVERYTHING out of mass-mind, and SHE seemed to confess that they weren't necessarily free of it THEMSELVES, leading me to think that some COMPROMISE mightn't be reached about my "normal" lifestyle for ME.
ACTUALISM 117
2/24/81
3-13 TREASURE ROOM/COMMUNICATION - 2/20/81
Crystal starts by saying that we're not going to have an in-depth, but go into the next lesson: about organizing intelligence so that we KNOW what we know and what we're just working on. She introduces a ROOM OF KNOWLEDGE, where we have access to all the DATA that we've gathered about living, books, people, Actualism---everything. To one side of that is a PROJECT ROOM, where we take these pieces of data one by one and investigate to find those which we verify (in however many times it takes us to verify: hardly less than three times, hers seems to be about ten times, but it may be a hundred or a thousand or a million times before we actually KNOW that we know that some piece of data is an ACTUAL TRUTH. She gives an example of hers: that when she wants to find something that's lost, all she had to do is beam out with the Wisdom Light and she LOCATES it, even if the object isn't HERS but someone else's---either THEY find it immediately or SHE finds it FOR them. Another, she says, can be worked on in New York is the Radiant Warrior Energy for finding a parking space or a seat on the subway or bus.) and then move into the TREASURE ROOM, which is now to be considered empty. I think that's a marvelous idea, and perfect for all the trauma I have now about "what Actualism thinks sex and seriousness should be and what I think sex and seriousness should be." I wonder what items I'd even have as CANDIDATES for the Treasure Room: both/and is better than either/or? I'm in the world in order to absorb as many experiences as I can? The idea that a Treasure-Room jewel could be something that SOMETIMES works is easily dismissed: it would ALWAYS have to work to be a truth and be BELIEVED in. I certainly feel that I have NO candidates, even, that would come from Actualism. Nor would a candidate even be a Zen-like "I exist," which would lead into SUCH philosophical intricacies as to NEVER be REALLY verified. She said, continuing, that since we got so zeroed in on the idea of communication, that she'd continue with the idea that Third Advanced will now TREAT the questions that come up from Brain-Mind. In the more basic levels, Brain-Mind didn't even know what questions to ASK, so most were discouraged. But now that we've reached the point of Knowing Intelligence, we could ASK from Brain-Mind and expect to be HEARD. She mentioned that in lower levels the strong idea was that a session be left in HIGH frequency, but that now it doesn't MATTER where we're left, we can handle it adequately and pull ourselves out of it when WE want to. Then, in the spirit of communication, she began to talk about what may lay ahead of us. She said that with the reorganization of Third Advanced, First Phase would take between a year and a year and a quarter (and since we will have ALREADY been in it 9 months through the end of April, it will take US almost exactly 2 years to go through it). At the END of First Phase we each have an individual conference with Crystal in which we discuss our decision about going into Teacher Training or Field training, so that we can OPERATE from our decision through second-phase Third. She refreshed our memory of the REQUIREMENTS for becoming teachers: 25 intro occasions (rather than people introed: I have 19 people in 15 full intro occasions, so I should have no problem with that), the intro course (which I've taken and Ken is now grumbling about), an auditing of a course that a teacher teaches outside the school (obviously a new one, since it's only TODAY that the New School has been handed applications for courses by Richard on the Dream Workshop and by Bruce for the Laying On of Hands), and 150 hours of coordinating, which is then supplemented by 50 hours of coordinating in THIRD-Phase Third. She talks a bit ABOUT coordinating (after Marilyn says we should all do it MORE than once a month, since otherwise SHE feels it's just routine), saying that in the class-structure the TEACHER does all the handling of movement, but as coordinators the STUDENT gets to move his/her field around, interrelate magnetically and dynamically with the other students, observe the teachers handling upset and wild dynamics, and participate in the center field and operation. She also mentioned that we'd do well to check into center EACH night before we "go off and work" in the inner bodies, and that on occasion she brings EVERYONE into the center to work on some project that she thinks is very important, since world events are getting more and more pressing. Marilyn asks AGAIN about universal cataclysm, and Crystal AGAIN says that it MAY happen, but we're getting more and more power and we're given the time to GROW in power so that we CAN handle whatever comes along. Earth point (first time into THAT in a long time!) had been INTENDED as an extension of the City of Light AND a haven, but since the school reacted so negatively to the slaughter of animals, plans have now been abandoned on THAT line and people from Dallas are working on ANOTHER plan, but it didn't seem to be anywhere near completion. She mentioned again that the reorganization of Third would mean that we couldn't even talk with the people AHEAD of us about our classes, since things would be brought in at different times with ALL of us (and I was chagrined to find that Bruce Lieber hadn't even heard of the Treasure Room, so I guess it starts ALREADY). She said that the two groups separated for 7-8 classes in third-phase third, but most of the classes were taken together, still every other week, until preparation to Fourth (which seemed like the indefinite period for each individual to reach initiation), which took place once a month. Third-phase third and prep-to-fourth was the time of teacher training: starting with one or two classes per week of lessons 6-9 (since they didn't involve handwork), with a teacher in the room for all verbals before and after the tape. When the student-teacher had THAT down pat, he advanced to teaching lessons 1-5, and sometimes the teacher would be able to leave the room during the verbal, only checking up every other or every third time. Classes could become more frequent, depending on progress, and eventually the student could teach all of basic, until he was initiated into fourth, when he could begin to learn to teach first and second and so on. She said only Russell and Carol Ann taught Fourth advanced now. She described Associate Staff as those in Prep-to-Fourth, Staff in Fourth, and Associate Director as more advanced. She said that Russell was technically Founder, Carol Ann was Director, and there were five on the Board of Directors by their constitution: Russell, Carol Ann, Alice, Crystal, and another woman she said we didn't know. There were other Associate Directors who sat WITH the Board, but who weren't actually ON the board, like Jon Terrell, Dorothy Stephenson, Lois Meyerson, and maybe another woman. So she implied that unlimited advancement was open to all of us. Field training wasn't so clear cut: there WERE now Field Staff persons AT the staff level (in fourth advanced, that is), but they were mainly connected WITH the school in some way, like Dr. McCaffrey, with the Holistic Health Center, his assistant Ginger; and one of the FIRST was Morley Raeside, who'd make his way up as accountant for the organization, in answer to Margaret's question about room at the top for accountants, and after he died Dana Stump took over his position. There were others in Dallas, primarily a man who was vice president of Revlon and in charge of finances for Earthpoint who had taken teacher training and is now field Staff teaching other field-staff students in Dallas. Crystal also mentioned "sponsorships" for new centers in Tucson Arizona, where a teacher is now flying from the West Coast to start basics, and in Vail, where a wife-teacher is giving intros and bodywork in preparation for a flying teacher. She repeated the idea of replacing oneself: Crystal used to be the traveling teacher until she trained someone to replace her, McCaffrey trained HIS replacement, and now she's training Sidney Sudberg to be the traveling acupuncturist. (I'm bouncing around from subject to subject as SHE bounced.)
ACTUALISM 121
2/24/81
SECOND CONFERENCE WITH CRYSTAL - 2/22
This started VERY well because of the session that Ken and Amy and I did at 11 am this day, working with Amy's Golden Javelins to puncture mass-mind images, and SHE told me that when she talked to Crystal on the phone and tried to be light, CRYSTAL was all seriousness and teacher-student strictness, and KEN mentioned that Crystal used to be VERY rigid with his class, so I was glad to see that she'd MADE progress and was WORKING on that very thing. Both agreed she was very much a Warrior, and CRYSTAL told me that that's part of what she HAD to take on because she'd been chosen to work primarily with pelvic bowl stuff (which I think means that SHE thinks of herself as very sexy, turning on EVERYONE), and she had some "very hairy" episodes (with people falling in love with her, I gathered) so she HAD to put up this warrior façade so everyone wouldn't get clobbered all the time. I started by telling her we'd HAD the session in Gold, that Ken had MENTIONED her strictness, and SHE said it was because the class BEHIND theirs would always be in RAGE because it wouldn't start on time because they were CHRONICALLY late! She took about 45 seconds to harmonize and that was the ONLY nonverbal, contrary to Ken's mentioning that she spent about half the time in her conference with HIM in silent gathering and enlightening. I said that I had a LOT to cover, at 1:40 asking how long we could GO, and she said she'd planned for an hour, but we COULD go to 2:30 if we had to. So I felt some of the pressures lift. I said that the OVERALL hope of the conference would be to tell her WHERE I AM, so that she could SEE me, and she agreed that was good. When I told her that my impression of the last conference was that I CUT OFF my dynamic, never go out, and try to bring people in on the MAGNETIC, she laughed loud and long and said that was NOT right, that (after long discussion of the details) I could GO to these places but not participate THERE, only MEET someone and bring them HOME and interact with them THERE under the guidelines set up for Bruce in the Male Pelvic, so I should schedule a pelvic X-out with HIM soon. I said I was glad to find out more about lighted connections in here. She said I needed guidelines on one-night stands. How enlightened to even HAVE such things! I said that ONE of the ideas I might have in my Treasure room was the concept of BOTH/AND, rather than EITHER/OR. She said that was fine, but if it took twenty years to become an adept on ONE field and twenty years to become an adept in ANOTHER field, and a person chose to intermingle TWO fields, he had to be very careful that in 20 years he wouldn't see someone with a SINGLE adeptship and get very jealous and depressed that he hadn't gotten as far as the OTHER person, which she explained VERY much to the point that I might not be able to advance as fast in Actualism as I might want because I'm becoming an "adept" in sexual fields!! I told her that I did NOT operate out of the "Who else is there, Roger?" (and told her the joke and she laughed loudly) penis-driven orientation: that I HAD to make some BASIC mental and emotional connection with people BEFORE I would even get aroused to HAVE contact with them, and she said she had little doubt but that I had the skills of perception that I described, even saying that I found diamonds in the muck of the places I went to and elicited the typical remark "What are you doing HERE? I never expected to find anyone like YOU here," even though that happened only every YEAR or so, and I had to put up with the frustration of LOOKING and not FINDING for most of the time---but I UNDERSTOOD this, and as part of the REALITY of the gay scene in New York (which I emphasized was RICHER here than anywhere else) demanded that I go to THESE places if I wanted to MEET people, let alone get a relationship going. So she agreed to my GOING to these places, seeming to accept my description of better and worse places and how this THIRD place looked TAILORED to my requirements as a place to meet people (though when John said the name of it was the Hellfire Club, I did NOT feel that Crystal needed to know THAT). Then I talked about the "serious" bit, and she said that I wasn't the SAME as the others in the class (mentioning particularly Mara who said everything was going so well, yet with this underlying SADNESS under it all---the first time Crystal ever actually GOSSIPED with me, another point that made our relationship seem better---so I didn't [3/3/81: Cleaning out stuff I came across a SUPPLEMENTARY list of topics I wanted to take up with Crystal, based on thoughts AFTER my list of "gripes" (Actualism 100):
1) It's less trying just to HAVE sex (based on Mara's "It's easier to make MONEY!").
2) We (from the j/o club) ARE buddies (that Bruce has been advocating)---and in NAME, too.
3) Dennis and I ARE ex-lovers (per his statement) and so I have to LOOK for someone new.
4) Reagan a) is NEGATIVE on civil liberties (and she says she's AGAINST ERA, though I mention it's like a starving person refusing a hamburger, wanting a steak), b) has rough ANTAGONISTIC edges (though she insists that her policy is respect and support for THE MAN IN THE POSITION, rather than THE MAN AS AN INDIVIDUAL.) c) is an exploiter of the poor FOR the rich, which I didn't even MENTION.
5) YOU'RE a WARRIOR, but perhaps TOO stiff, inflexible, lacking in fun, and RICHARD TOO, though I didn't get into THAT at all, either, since we had MORE THAN ENOUGH to talk about in the time allotted to me by her busy schedule.] think it necessary to get into her CLOTHING fixity as noted by Amy or her phone fixity of Amy's, either.), but there were areas in which I was too serious, too. So I said that my indexers taught me a lot about THAT. She said that I should wonder about the effects on the OTHER person, for instance the fellow who SAID he should be faithful and I lured into SENSUAL (but not sexual) contact (the fellow in London that lovely afternoon with Leslie Rowland-Warne), but I said I could conclude it turned out OK because he did NOT contact me after that. I DID admit that DENNIS was having a hard time with HIS two perfections: an "ex-lover" he could be with almost anytime, who shared music and eating and book interests with him; and a "super-lover" with whom SEX was superb but whose personal contacts were at a minimum. I said that my perceptions in SOME things were very acute, and I missed my chance to USE them. We agreed that it would NOT be HER (or Bruce, with his sanction of porno, which she laughed loudly at, saying "We're really getting AFTER you, aren't we?" when I mentioned that I'd had two reels of porno in my pocket not two feet from Bruce's head when he launched into porno) that would be blamed for ACTUALISM'S guidelines that I didn't like, but I DID suggest that I might be able to fall OUTSIDE some of them. I read my list of "don'ts" to her, and she laughed and said Russell and Carol Ann LOVED horror movies: "It's so much BETTER to see this outpicturing of personal ugliness and horror that we don't have to DO anything about, rather than looking up and seeing someone at the desk, ready for a session with us, with mummy wrappings dripping off his face and eyeballs poked out." She said SHE loved science fiction, while Richard read hardly any fiction at ALL, though he might look into Siddhartha, and I recommended "Glass Bead Game" to HER. She DID say that I would have to look closely at my idea that Actualism wanted to suppress individuality and regulate, restrict, and deny the personality, saying that THIS was an important point, and she was glad I brought it up. She sat with me until 2:35, we CONSTANTLY talked back and forth, and at the end she laughed and said she "shot her wad, to use a grossism," and we embraced and I noted afterward that her blouse armpits were REALLY WET; it was warm in the room.
ACTUALISM 124
2/24/81
CONVERSATION WITH AMY - 2/22
I phoned her to tell her about the conference, and she loved hearing it, and was glad I didn't mention her personally except for the readings, and was glad to hear I could get a tarot reading from her, and she was moving away from trance-reading, developing her own psychic skills, though we agreed that She-LAH was a FRIEND of mine that might take priority over Amy's and my relationship through Actualism. She said (for me to keep confident) that Lea had asked in her reading about a friend who was into some kind of BASQUE mysticism, since that race had descended from beings who visited earth on a spaceship, and She-LAH said she wouldn't say anything about being right or wrong about it, but that he should probably lay off. Amy seemed to know without asking that it WAS Ralph Metzner, and a few days after the session she picked up a flier from somewhere advertising him as a speaker about some kind of school she hadn't heard of. I looked up Basques and they ARE racially different, but not THAT different. She said she was delighted at my conference with Crystal, figured we COULD enjoy Monday's class even WITH Tomassina, She said that Alexander would continue for her another semester, then she'd go into practice teaching for another semester (finishing by the end of the year), and then she'd be a full-fledged teacher, though she'd probably have to get a place part-time for working in Manhattan for all those who wouldn't want to come to Brooklyn. She said she was still worried about being a teacher if she wanted to be, and I told her some of the communication from Crystal about 7-year and 2-year contracts of agreement for teachers. She told of a reading from a Dutch psychic Dykshoorn (who I wouldn't like because he's stiff) who was VERY perceptive, standing EXACTLY the way Adam stands as he asks "Is this someone?" and saying she's as psychic as HE is and shouldn't be afraid of serving the police forces, as he has, on one occasion following down a murderer and being impelled back to the scene of the crime to see the "soul" of the murdered woman giving him an OK sign and melting away, saying to him that part of THEIR job is releasing these souls for their NEXT work! He read her diarrhea, said she ate too much cheese, and diagnosed her ovaries, but ALSO sees her with a son and daughter living in WESTCHESTER, which SHE really doesn't see! We talked for over an hour: "We must be friends," she concludes.
ACTUALISM 125
3/7/81
BODYWORK WITH MICHAEL BLACKBURN - 3/5/81
We talk from 12:40 to 1:30, and I get off the table at 3:30, so it was a LONG encounter. We talked about our exercise of our feminine natures, and I (when he said he'd literally whimpered when he'd tried to give himself an enema) said that I'd THOUGHT of a colonic before when Bruce was into them---or when they were into Bruce) but had been told to wait for JoAnne Towne to get an office (which she now has, notice in Rolfing Center) and GET a lighted one, and I mentioned that I'd debated whether I could be more "open" sexually by getting fucked, and when Alice said ANYTHING was OK, Crystal was perfectly willing to stick her neck out and say that I was better OFF without anal intercourse. So much for openness! Then mentioned that I was going through lots of changes with GOING to the places but not being able to PARTICIPATE, thanks to the new understanding with Crystal, and HE was reading from my chart and said that I could be a HEALER, which had a great RESONANCE with me at that moment: I'd never liked the idea of SERVICE, and I couldn't see myself TEACHING anything as plodding as Actualism (at least without the perceptions of what WAS going on!), but that HEALING would be a great way of SERVING and yet LOVING to do it (and getting paid for it, having people come to ME rather than going out and RECRUITING) (AND in the end I thought of "Resurrection," the movie of the healer, which then led to instant recollections of the chorus in Mahler's "Resurrection" symphony, and I wept warm tears on the table). He also said that I (like Dorothy, whose chart my chart resembled) could be very COMPASSIONATE, and I told him that Bruce and Susan had often mentioned me as beaming out Cosmic MOTHER, so this wasn't the first time I'd heard it---AND Pope had phoned to say that he might want some HANDWORK because of his spinal discomfort. So it was a GREAT Session, and I paid him $30, probably making HIM feel good, since he'd originally said $15 and when I suggested more he tentatively said "$20? $25?" He really went AT my fingers and toes and hands and feet (liking it when I said Crystal SAID that I should have a foot session!), and squeezed my muscles so hard that I went to the "yelp boundary" and he kneaded my shoulders and neck to good effect, also, a real all-round delightful body and emotion session!
ACTUALISM - 126
3/7/81
3-14: PROBLEM-HANDLING WITH KNOWING INTELLIGENCE
Michael said he'd be glad to get on to FEELING intelligence and PERCEIVING intelligence, and I said that sounded GREAT! BUT we were told to take a problem and LOOK AT OUR STUCKNESS with a point of view on it. I had no trouble FINDING the problem: TIME. I went in, she started going through the sequence, angering me no end with her "Feel it in your HAIR, your BONES, your CELLS, your HORMONES." FUCK your hormones, Crystal! I felt I was getting nowhere---even losing ground. At one point I felt I HAD to get rid of the denial and negativity, so I THREW it to Crystal and Bruce: and for an instant smelled a DREADFUL smell that turned into a SWEET smell and then was gone. When I reported on it, Crystal smiled and said it was accurate. I still didn't BELIEVE her, but it DID happen! THEN I thought of Michael's session (ACTUALISM 125) and my healing abilities, and I thought "Physician heal thyself!" and put my head into my hands and lasered denial and negativity OUT of it, just at the point when Crystal was mentioning ACCEPTANCE and PATIENCE with where we ARE, which is just what I was reading in Watts' "The Meaning of Happiness," and suddenly TEARS flowed to my eyes, a real flood down onto the chair, and it felt GOOD, and I felt love and LIKING for who I was where I was, and when she later said to DISCARD the preplanned ("I can see you there, saying "There's something for the report"), I took thought and said I'd started very negative, but my problem was TIME, and I found time went from a DEAD LINE to a SPACE for CHANGE---since I'd thought at the start "SPACE is OK, it's TIME that causes trouble," but then I and Crystal kept hitting on that which is COMPLETED and FINISHED and RIGID as being OVER AND DEAD, whereas growth is MOVING and CHANGING and ADVENTURES. I told her about my smell and my emotion, but I only told MICHAEL about my surgery with my fingertips, not bothering with the LONG, INVOLVED, SELF-SERVING reports that all the others gave without END, though I sort of kicked myself for nyaah-ing "I beat ya!" back at Margaret who was waving to be first in on the reports. AND Crystal said she and Richard MIGHT be able to make a party for the group if I had it on April 8! Michael called to say he wanted it EXCLUSIVE, but seemed to accept Michael and Richard and Adam, so HE may want to bring someone too, or at least accept a SOCIAL evening.
ACTUALISM 127
3/19/81
SEXUAL CONFERENCE WITH BRUCE 3/9
It's perhaps a measure of my having gotten away from typing that it's 10 days between the conference and my transcription of it. We'd scheduled a pelvic X-Out, but during our "pre-talk" I kept insisting that I felt I had to communicate more clearly so that the Actualism teacher I was talking to at the moment KNEW who he or she was talking to. I filled him in on the history: how I'd talked openly with Alice, who didn't seem to say much, and how I'd talked about my promiscuity (one of the conclusions I learned was NOT to use such negative words to make sure they understood the WORST of it (or to astound them, which seems still to be a part of it---maybe more precisely I'm BRAGGING to them or patting myself on the back about my capacity for experiences of ANY kind) with Crystal, who said we had to have a conference, and how I took that FIRST conference mistakenly to say that I shouldn't go out on the dynamic ANY more, just try to "attract people to me" with the magnetic---and how frustrated that left me feeling! That frustration, and Bruce's men's seminar, drove me to a second conference with Crystal (and NOT with Bruce, so I change the heading!), when I found that Actualism COULD be communicated with (see ACTUALISM 121-123)---so now I felt FREE to go to promiscuous places and not INTERACT there, but take them home for sex. And she said I was to go to Bruce for a pelvic X-out. I got there at 2:45, having had a subway go out of service under me after waiting on line in the bank until 2 pm, and he angered me by saying "It was almost Images 1, Actuality 0," and I said it wasn't MY not wanting to come that made me late, it was the SUBWAY! We dropped it, but it set up a trail of defensiveness that lasted through the afternoon's session. When he said I had to respect the PATTERN of guidelines set up by Actualism for its Third Advanced students ("Don't you realize that you're studying in the most enlightened school on the entire planet?" he asked in a moment of what I took to be self- and school-aggrandizement), I said he had to be aware that statements like THAT really pushed my buttons: I didn't fit into the pattern of my FAMILY (in intelligence, though Helen did go to college; in sexuality, made worse by being the ONLY person of my age in my generation in the whole family; and in moving away and travel, though I seem to have had a LOT of followers on THAT score with Rita moving to Florida and Mom starting to travel extensively) and I had to FIGHT for my rights to individuality. I didn't fit into the pattern of my sexual (homosexual) in-group (by not wanting to fuck or be fucked, dress or act or be treated like a woman, or indulge in the slickness and sliminess of some of the participants) and I had to FIGHT for my rights there, too. But as I was STILL (and now an accepted) a member of my family, and STILL a member of my in-group, who had ACCEPTED my status through my fighting (I still have to maintain my own individuality in my unique business-travel-experience life, too), and so I was "taught" the benefits of FIGHTING for what I wanted, as I was fighting now. He didn't respond much, but I think took it in. When he talked about the guidelines of FIRST mental knowing, THEN emotional knowing, and only THEN sexual knowing, I said I had to use an analogy: it was as if Actualism treated each area as a water-filled puddle in a row, so that I had to leap from Soul and completely fill in the puddle of the Mental before moving to completely fill in the puddle of the Emotional before I could even TOUCH the puddle of the physical-sexual. I said that I put up SO many hurdles of thinking and observing and judgmentalism before MEETING a person and then much before being STIMULATED by a person (and this was EXACTLY mirrored in a conversation with Dennis later (see NOTEBOOK 398), so I thought it was OK to GAIN A FOOTHOLD in the Mental, then another FOOTHOLD (by throwing rocks into the puddle, as I describe it) in the Emotional (and I SHOULD have added that at many points in here I would STOP and NOT CONTINUE toward the sexual), and then TOUCH the sexual to see if it was worth it to even RETURN TO BEGIN filling in all three simultaneously---I even made the crack that I thought all the levels were INTERRELATED, why did they consider them so SEPARATED?? He kept saying that I was being governed by images, and that I should read two books: Bailey's "Glamour," which sounded interesting, and the Taurus section of "Labors of Hercules," which I just read and Bruce SEEMS to be paraphrasing the suggestion on page 24: "Ride, control and master the bull (sexuality and desire and glamour-seeking) and let the aspirant remember that the bull has to be ridden across the waters to the mainland; which means that the solution of the whole sex problem will come when the disciple subordinates his separated personal island self to group purpose and endeavor, and begins to rule his life by the question, "What is best for the group with which I am associated?" (at which point I underlined the statement and wrote "NO!" in the margin). It is by doing this that the bull is ridden to the mainland (which also symbolizes, the book says (p. 22)---"the obscuration of spirit, whilst soul, through desire, takes a body," and "the emergence of the idea of the great illusion and glamour. Spirit or God is "lost," or veiled, and disappears in the attractiveness of the outer form and in the glamour which the soul attracts around itself."). Then on p. 23: "We shall see the elimination of promiscuity, with its attendant evil, disease," and "right control of the sex function and its relegation to the purpose for which it exists (the carrying onward of the human family and the providing of bodies whereby souls can gain experience) then right use will be made of sex." But I don't WANT children, I WANT pleasure and NOT responsibility, and if that marks the end of my enlightenment process in Actualism, so be it. I HAD thought that the new age wouldn't include the old-age prohibitions on mere PLEASURE, but this seems to say that it DOES. I think of "Labors of Hercules" and indeed the Tibetan, as being hopelessly old-age, and if Actualism is going to insist on their correctness, as against their initial saying that life CAN be both-and, even with homosexuality (and the promiscuity which is PART of it), I'm not interested in continuing. Back with Bruce, I had to say that maybe promiscuity is the WRONG term to use---as he kept using "obsession," and I was forced to shout "I'm NOT obsessed: I wanted to go to the new club but found something more interesting on TV, does THAT sound like obsession?" I described the number of times I'd go to these places and find NO ONE to interact with. But I realized this was the price to pay in dealing with the homosexual world AS IT IS. I said I wanted a replacement for the waning relationship with Dennis, after saying that I FOUND John and Dennis, my "two great loves of my life," IN promiscuous circumstances, and SAW their aptness for me IN that "debased" set of circumstances. Bruce asked why the relationship was waning, and I said that sexuality between the two of us had become stereotyped and unsatisfying: he wanted me to play the verbal, egging-on part while he masturbated, and I found this less and less interesting. He seemed to take this in DEEPLY and say "That's different," as if agreeing that I should be looking for a new relationship. "You have to open the magnetic---Crystal is very good in putting people together." "You seem to be saying that I have to find someone IN ACTUALISM, or someone who will COME INTO Actualism, in order to have a sexual relationship!" He implied that Crystal would structure me for "the next love of my life," so part of the ball was now back in HER court. I agreed it would be GREAT to have someone who was sexy AND enlightened, reminding him that I was 44 and in a community where youth and attractiveness WERE a measurable commodity, but I'd had good luck so far, but didn't want to stop NOW. I talked about the need for PRACTICE to retain sexuality in age, and he said that MANY old men were very potent and attractive, and I said I intended to be one of them, but not through ABSTENTION from sex. No, he agreed I had to meet people, but couldn't I postpone sex? I described the process of "becoming sisters," which term I told him I hated, but thought of Ron, who might have been good in bed the FIRST time, but that after meeting three or four times WITHOUT bedding, we became "sisters" which would take a great deal of EFFORT and OVERCOMING OF SEXUAL SHYNESS on my part to bring off---the mind would step in and make it VERY self-conscious. He seemed to take this as ANOTHER revelation, and started saying that he'd have to check with Crystal and come up with what we do next: another conference with Crystal or Bruce, a pelvic X-out with Bruce, or another special session with Crystal. He'd be back to me soon, but in the last ten days I've heard nothing. But at least I got the feeling that TELLING him something could CHANGE his viewpoint---they just seemed to be so inflexible that I had no idea WHAT to tell them that would CHANGE their ideas! One conclusion, as I said, was to STOP using the negative term, and find how to express MY sexuality in the most POSITIVE way. He seemed to agree that the "comets" in my life, who came in and out every few years, dating pre-Actualism, would not be affected by Actualism: thus I had THREE modes of encounter: "comets," who were satisfactory; "the next love of my life," which was Crystal's department; and STILL the casual encounter, that I feel I still have to have, and which STILL seems to be up for grabs. It was interesting that Amy described someone coming into Actualism who WAS sexy (see Actualism 133), but how can I fantasize about a person I haven't even SEEN---well, I CAN fantasize about him---and I HAVE---but how can I RELY on that to get me someone for "my next love." Bruce seemed to be certain of the "miracle" quality of the immortal in THIS case: "Of COURSE the immortals can come up with someone perfect for you in every way; and of course the immortals would NOT introduce you to someone WHILE you were in the middle of a relationship with someone else---" which I couldn't see at ALL, any more than I can see how to CONTROL subways going out of service. So THEN I said I didn't feel so depressed about my magnetic's working, since from ACTUALISM'S point of view, the relationship with Dennis has only been ending for a few months, while I kept ALWAYS open for finding someone else, during the "related" times when the Immortal "wouldn't dream of coming up with someone contesting our relationship." So now I was open to "the next great love," but what did I do for sex---masturbate? He said that WASTED prana in semen, and went into a long disquisition on the way of man's retaining his semen while the woman, who wasn't depleted by orgasm, could have multiple orgasms. I bridled at THAT, saying this was VERY old-age, being so DIFFERENT for women than men, and I insisted that women DID have secretions and probably DID get exhausted. "What makes you think that?" he asked. "Masters and Johnson," I snapped back. We shouted at each other a few times, I felt I HAD to make my points, and kept looking at my watch as it went on to 4:40 and finally he said he HAD to get up to dinner, ending the session at 4:50, for an effective conference. We both agreed that valuable communications were exchanged, but I felt he only TOUCHED on "one-night stands," and that there was a whole possible area of sexuality possible with the men's pelvic group WITH love. I kept talking about the different kinds of SIMULTANEOUS love between man and mother, wife, sister, daughter, brother, teacher, etc, and Actualism seemed to be RATIONING love to ONE person, where I could love "comets," "occasionals" and "true loves" at the same time. Though he DID say "Do you know of anyone who got into trouble with TWO loves?" and I DID think of Dennis, who WAS torn by his feelings for Dick Currie (merely because he couldn't HAVE him all he wanted him) and me (whom he could KEEP, but didn't really WANT except as insurance, possibly?). I kept trying to build UP the idea of WHAT the jerkoff group was like: ADMIRING the bodies, ENCOURAGING sexuality and physical attractiveness, but not in an EXCLUSIVE but in a GROUP feeling, which blew Dennis's mind (NOTEBOOK 398 again) one Sunday at Jerry Roger's. Bruce seemed uncomfortable talking about things like that, saying he couldn't see how a GAY relationship could retain semen and "use up the prana," I said that Dennis and I tried it, but ONLY got the feeling that successive frustrations made the orgasm MORE felt, rather than LESS felt. He said STRAIGHT relationships demanded FAITHFULNESS, and I protested it was because it involved a WOMAN, who WAS interested in faithfulness, while MEN were interested in VARIETY, and I quoted the "Psychology Today" article that said that men with men HEIGHTENED the male sexuality, so relationships WERE different. He seemed not to respond to that, but AMY had lots to say about it the following Sunday at Ken's (Actualism 133 again). Reviewed my non-anality and WANT for affection and long-term security in a relationship with him, too.
ACTUALISM 133
3/19/81
TALK WITH AMY AND KEN ABOUT BRUCE'S CONFERENCE 3/15
Told Amy and Ken SOME of the stuff on ACTUALISM 127-32, and Amy said that I was really (as an Aries) in the FOREFRONT of consciousness-raising for New York Actualism on the gay front, since gay life here was DIFFERENT from the more village-everyone-knows sexuality on the West Coast that Jeff Miller was finding out about by being told that he could only relate with ONE woman at a time (he was dating TWO, not wanting to marry EITHER, and I said Actualism was silly HERE, too), and I said it was different, since Crystal said that I could relate with TWO, if I cared to. They agreed Actualism was trying to come to a modern stance, but they had lots of old-age restrictions on their minds, but had to be pulled out of it by people like me who would insist on the formation of an Actualism New York Gay Seminar. Amy said she only knew 4 gays: George Hudacko and his LOVE, Alex Dolcemascolo, saying they LIVED together (did Crystal do THAT, since I recall Alex as being a SWEET MAN, and George looked HAPPIER now than he had before!), and neither of us mentioned George Pierson, not knowing if he even CONSIDERED himself gay or Bisexual or NONsexual. And she considered Arthur Ellenbogen BIsexual! Then me and someone who was just coming into basic, Bob Pfeffer, who had a notice on the board for a gay man wanting a room, and she said he was very sweet, and I fantasized that he'd come into Actualism to become my lover! We mentioned Ray Espino, who was no longer in the work, and another gay guy who dropped out, and Matthew and the guy in MY class came into the conversation, and we didn't seem to be sure of any women except for the one who dropped out after being put in place after writing a mash-note to Jan Jaffe. Ken kept talking about himself as NOT in the gay group, which Amy and I mentioned, though we STILL agreed that he COULD be if anyone tried hard, and I didn't want to try hard. But I liked the support I got from her saying that I had to really earthe this new understanding of homosexuality in New York Actualism, so I had to be patient and loving and long-suffering. Felt good about that. Wonder if I could lean on Ken for affectionate support WITHOUT having sex directly with him? Said that I'd keep them informed about subsequent steps in the talks.
ACTUALISM 134
3/19/81
COCHLEAR CRIF #25 WITH RICHARD 3/2/81
This was the first one in a month and a half (last on 1/12), and in part I might have still been disappointed because I had THIS instead of starting on the Identity Integrations. But Richard seemed rather distant, the Cochlear nerve seemed very trivial, and I sat through the entire session without having any very great emotional or sensual reactions. I felt OK about sitting very still, maybe feeling that Alexander work had given me new internal balance. But Richard kept asking me what I was FEELING, and I got the same anger that comes up when Crystal demands "Feel it in your bones and in your hair!" He asked about anger, and I said it was more a feeling of frustration, but I might start CALLING it anger and see if anything comes up. He kept telling me to feel things in various parts of the body, and I could only say that I felt a binding in the solar plexus, and at one point felt a bit of constriction in the throat, but as I talked about it, and as his coolness seemed to take some of the charge out of it (in an ANTIPRODUCTIVE way, it seemed, since it seemed to DEFUSE and DISSIPATE what might have been coming up, rather than PROCESSING and HANDLING what was coming up). So the session seemed like a VERY long one, and I confessed to the feelings of frustration and inhibition that I was going to talk about with Bruce NEXT week, though I felt better about the PROGRESS that was being made, as opposed to the feeling of being BLOCKED that I had before Crystal's SECOND conference, back on February 22. I kept asking myself what I was doing here, how many MORE we had, since EACH nerve seems to be taking into two parts, and what SEEMED like only 4 more nerves now feels like about 8 more sessions, and I don't know if I'll have the patience to sit through too many more nothing-sessions like this one, which I had to FORCE myself into a neutral position when I left and to thank Richard for it. The NEXT session (ACTUALISM 135) was somewhat more productive, thank goodness, though not quite up to the moving experiences that we'd gotten into before we stopped for my putative II's. Maybe Richard has off days too? He always seems too STRAINED and SOLEMN TO DO IT RIGHT, which Crystal seems to be AGAINST.
ACTUALISM 135
3/19/81
VESTIBULAR CRIF #26 WITH RICHARD 3/16
He left the book open and I saw a FEW blanks left, so I mentioned it and he said there were 29 in all and this was #22! I'd said I'd counted 26, but that I knew I had two specials on teeth and gums, AND that probably the two on the brain were extra, since they were usually given pre-II than in the CRIF series, and he agreed that was accurate. So I could count that I only had 7 more, which seemed like a large but handlable number. If I continue every other week, I'd be finished June 22, except that I can't continue on Monday with CLASSES on Monday. At least they're over before the summer break, and of course before my trip. Talked a bit about the conference with Bruce, then settled down to nothingness until he asked me where I felt anything. I suggested the solar plexus, he said the left leg seemed heavier than the right. I worked through that, vaguely agreeing with him, and he asked me to go DOWN in the field to an obstruction that would keep me from earthing. I got the idea that I'd laser it and it'd melt into gold, or at least gold would drop from it as it melted, and when I told him that was my imagination in the matter, he murmured "That's perception." I felt better. I kept blazing up the Radiant Warrior and Subtle Warrior, but felt tears in my eyes only as a reaction to concentration, rather than sorrow. I mentioned the dying relationship with Dennis, and I said I didn't feel SAD about it, only regretful and RELUCTANT to see it go, telling him about Crystal's project on "my next true love." I felt heavy in the colon and suggested I'd get a colonic from JoAnn Towne, and he said "You're getting a colonic on the inner right now." He kept saying "absorb the essence and feel GOOD," and when I thought of work and Bob Rosinek (whom I ALSO talked about as being over with a sense of RELIEF) and money and trips and this session, I grumbled, "Well, I don't know where it's coming from, but I guess I'm starting to feel HAPPY!" Richard laughed, as I'd hoped he would, and the rest of the session felt pretty good: good physical, emotional, and consequently (interesting progression here) mentally. Felt warm toward him at the end of the session, so looking forward to the next of the series, now that I know HOW MANY more there are to go.
ACTUALISM 136
4/2/81
CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE 3-15 3/20
I'm surprised to see a tape, and it's a new lesson with CENTER 18, with 15 subcenters: rod of power in front of 5, 2 in front and back of center 6, two on the shoulders, upper arms, elbows, forearms, hands, and one in front of and one behind the center 18, situated between the hands---moving as the hands move. At the END, when she talks about restricting fantasies to positive hopes, then mentions we might fantasize about earthpoint or other future Actualism projects, I ask about THINKING about where Center 18 might be, and things like that, reminding her I predicted (wrongly) where it would be in my report going into Third Advanced. She said she wasn't against FANTASY, but that we should tune in and see what it is we WANT in a positive sense and put the energies into that. The tape talked about our advancement, and I felt very resentful that we were going to be put BACK. I didn't think I'd have the courage to talk about it in the report, but I talked of the resentment of being put back, then blocked on the next item, then it came out as ANGER for Russell impinging on my freedom of FANTASY, and she talked about what she sensed as resentment on ALL our parts, thinking that the WAY we thought was absolutely the best way to think, and she compared me with MARILYN (just what I needed) in always looking at the fantasy side of things without really tuning into the REALITY before our eyes. She seemed to be VERY frank with Marilyn (telling her not to tune in so much into her great mystical revelations and not to concentrate so much on coming catastrophes) and me, and Michael afterwards even ASKED how I felt. I was glad that I'd COME up with resentment, since I could see it without being forced into it by Crystal, but I felt that she responded in a JUDGMENTAL way (and in the gathering for the painting on 4/1 she said that the REFINEMENT of judgment was DISCRIMINATION, which I think in her conservative mind I put a NEGATIVE impression on---she would be the type to DISCRIMINATE against my sexual activities without being prepared to LISTEN to precisely what they WERE. So it was an activating class, but went home with Bruce and Michael on the subway till their stops, and STILL regretted being moved back.
ACTUALISM 137
4/2/81
MEN'S PELVIC OF 3/25
Bruce INSISTED ON reports, and with what Bruce LIEBER described as "the oldest grayest face I've ever seen on you" I reported on my feelings of oppression from the group mores and activation that I HAD to report, because I knew it would sound ugly. George Hudacko talked about HAVING been into S&M, talked of the strictness of a cockring, having to explain what it was, and then Bruce Jaffe described in LUDICROUSLY PURITANICAL terms his walking on 42nd Street, going up the "pink hallway" and the "narrow stairs where you HAD to touch the very people you didn't want to touch, and they were charging 754 for a clad shoeshine and $10 for a topless shoeshine, which I didn't think I needed right then," and everyone laughed and tittered and I thought that instead of bringing LIGHT into the place, he was taking out some of the DARKNESS and expecting US to be HORRIFIED of it. Which didn't help the brightness of my reporting. We did the session in Soul, making a temporary sun of it, and I stayed awake through all the processing, probably thanks to my great activation, and felt that lots of things were moved out of the way, and I sort of got the idea that I WAS looking at things from a fixed perspective, and it would be more of an ADVENTURE if I could try doing things more freely, looking at things with more freedom from the past, and this came to a culmination at the CRIF on March 30 (see Actualism 138). I figured I HAD to get rid of lots of the junk and feel better, even if I didn't solve ALL the problems right in that session, and I gave a more enlightened report that everyone seemed to agree had me looking better. Rode home on the subway with Michael, talking to him first, and when he got off at 14th, talking to Bruce, and then to Ken on the way home, SAYING how activated I was, but that I felt I was in the forefront of the gay movement, and when I ASKED Bruce about the chances (having given him the gay article from Psychology Today) of a gay men's group, he said they'd been thinking about it for the end of the year, and I thought THAT would be great! So it turned into a passably processing event, though some of the reports, particularly 51-year-old Dick Holt with his striving for perfection (HIM, of all people---wonder how many think of ME that way, too!).
ACTUALISM 138
4/2/81
CRIF #27 GLOSSOPHRAYNGEAL NERVE - 3/30
Asked FIRST about Bruce Swearer, and he said he had a sexual problem that he was being very intense about, had made good opening-up to date, and THAT may have been a reason I felt such an IMPACT by him, but I should check with Crystal for ways of uplifting the pelvic energy into the heart, which is what she DID say! Then I mentioned the GREAT coincidence this morning, with Amy in the gym for the first time, talking of the Holy Grail, which I instantly translated into the body's carrying of the Godchild, AND my first pickup and quickie (which Richard nicely translated into "very fast relationship") from the gym, and then Amy's telephone call and love for me, and her coming gift, and Dennis's possible changing in relationship. He'd been helping Crystal with a cripple, we didn't get into the room until 2:55, didn't start until 3:35, when I said I'd be happy to come back if he were pressed for time, but he said we could do it. Started with a lump in my throat for the SUPPORT I felt I was getting from Amy, Dennis, Bill Hyde (when RO talked of the lymphocytes, which I'd JUST READ about in Bill's gift of Adele Davis's book), and others, and then it quickly got into deeper emotions (even at my mention that I wrote a science fiction story at 15 about the Glossophrayngeal nerve), and then I began to think of WHAT letting go MEANT to me: I thought of it as letting go SO much that I DIED, but if I REALLY let go of the past, and all the perspectives gained from it, it let me be REALLY FREE in the present; as I reported these observations, I felt a VERY strong urge to cry, so I breathed in and out tremulously, then paused and went after it, thinking of how nice it would be to let it GO, and then really SOBBED into my lap, feeling Richard supporting and loving me, and it happened two or three times, with his saying my throat was so held back someone might have actually choked me, and I said that it was my BRAIN-MIND, saying that I shouldn't be talking to show myself intelligent (relating the "ambidextrously" from second grade), and how I held myself back in almost EVERYTHING. Began to think that if I looked at DENNIS differently WE might have a different and richer relationship, but I kept looking at my disappointments IN THE PAST and actually CARRIED THEM FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE. Felt that I got through a LOT in the session, and when he left the room I was amazed to find it was 4:50 (though I felt EASIER crying when I was quite sure that Elaine, the coordinator, had LEFT already at 4 pm), and I quickly straightened myself out to leave quickly when he returned to the room at 4:55, getting a GOOD hug and telling him to give a particularly big hug to Crystal---probably to apologize to her for being late for dinner---and he brightened and said "She really came in strongly, didn't she?" I smiled and DIDN'T say no, but I was surprised how I was misinterpreted, and I let it stand. He kept saying that I should protect all the good essence that I was getting, and I walked to the subway in a pleasant haze. Remembered saying with a GREAT deal of emotion: "Things are actually being MOVED around; I didn't know that change could mean STRUCTURAL change." But the RELEASE from the sobbing is more than I can describe: having been stored up for years, feeling good to get it out, and feeling so good IN GENERAL about being able to get down to it: feeling supported and loved and pleasurable and worthwhile, getting quickly from idealized to worthless to idealized to REAL quicker than light-and-dark alternations of motion pictures projectors. Felt that I didn't have to put up with all this burden of the past that I put on my shoulders, that it could be lifted, and not only through MY discarding it, but from OTHERS HELPING me to discard it. I didn't have to do things ALL BY MYSELF, which was a strong feeling, but talking with Amy just now (see ACTUALISM 140) makes me feel that I haven't gotten to the bottom of it YET: that there's STILL lots that I have to give myself credit for, for where I am, lots that I still have to recognize myself as HAVING BEEN THROUGH, as HAVING LEARNED, so that I don't have to break my head against mistrust or nonbelief. But there's STILL lots to be dealt with, and rather than GRUDGINGLY allocating my time to CRIF's, now I'm GLAD that they're scheduled so close together (again by a "plan"?), looking forward to carrying ON the work and feeling even FREER of the past and my frozen viewpoints.
ACTUALISM 140
4/6/81
AMY'S INITIATION INTO THIRD ADVANCED
She said it was a 72 hour EVENT, with me in my creature body (so she'd recognize me, she thought), Adam flying around whispering "It's all right, I'm here." Aviva in her adult emotional body, very beautiful; Dana working hard for her AND her own initiation, next in line; her mother not at all. She SAW her bodies: her emotional the smallest of all, her mental VERY ectomorphic ("They didn't even want to cover their genitals; and I'm always so prudish") with SPECTACULAR blue eyes, which Crystal saw, too. Part of the LONG time was spent working on Elaine to get her Perceptual body through, and she didn't quite make it, though she'll continue with classes for the time being, but she didn't make it. I said, "You're really activating my images," and Amy responded, "You really have to ACCEPT the power you have now you're IN third advanced," and we agreed we'd have to talk about it. I felt some of the emotion welling up that I'd felt in the cranials, just talking to her CONVICTION of how wonderful it was: even though she was exhausted, saying to her Counselor: "Hello, come back some other time. I'm really worn out now." THEN she and Adam almost telepathically agreed they're borrowing the boss's car and driving up to the Box Tree for dinner, which finally they DID, even though it wasn't the car the BOSS thought it would be, but the car that Amy originally KNEW it would be. And even the waiters and the immortals of everyone there accepted that they were giving her a special night, and she just sparkled on the phone talking about it. "This is where it IS; this is where we SHOULD BE; this is where the POWER is," she kept saying, and I felt more and more teary and "---yes?---yes?---COULD it be??" We WILL have to talk.
ACTUALISM 141
4/6/81
BRUCE SWEARER'S BODY SESSIONS 3/27 & 4/3
Messed up the first one: buying books and not into the Borough Hall station until 7, phoned Dennis to get upstairs, and he was waiting when I got there at 7:15, but on my machine was a clipped Bruce, "I was there at 7, you weren't, what happened?" Phoned him back and apologized and he returned in his car by 7:45, and up the stairs bounces this BEAUTIFUL curly-headed well-built smooth-skinned angular-faced DOLL. I stare at him and he seems to stare back at me. He comes in, takes off his jacket, seems shy, and I tell him where I am in the work, what the body sessions are, and he says he's a teacher of 6th graders in math and physics and a part-time carpet cleaner. He's in a house on Front that he's converting into two duplexes; I say I don't care for such-type work. He wants oil and vibrator in Higher Will. I figure it's VERY appropriate. He lays with his chin on his hand-backs, so I tell him to lie flat, and he keeps his arms up. Tell him to put them down. NICE taper to his back, though his ass is on the large size, to match the featureless round thickness of his thighs. NICE arm muscles, but he's not that defined on his front, though he has that little scoop in his chest, as if a dollop of ice cream had been scooped out of the milky skin. He seems alert through the whole session, not complaining about anything, feeling the feet and hands after an appropriate pause. I love looking at his closed eyes on his Ian Horvath-pretty face. I assimilate feeling SHOOK. Lose LOTS of sleep next night: if THIS is who Crystal got for me, FABULOUS. Why DOES he look at me so intently. LOTS of fantasy of NICE things, though with lots of wonder why this couldn't happen with DENNIS (see NOTEBOOK 401). Wonder what'll happen NEXT time. HAVE to ask Richard about him: he's going through SOME sort of sexual problem. Wait it out. Crystal says channel the pelvic energy through the heart. Next time, he arrives at 7:15, looks wistfully at the table, requests Wisdom, and gets right on. Gets off and talks vaguely about his upcoming kayaking weekend on the Hudson north of Warrensburg, says he's tired, will have to call about next week's appointment. I say to do it as soon as possible; don't lose any more sleep about him; haven't heard from him yet, though I hope to get MORE hands on him in future.
ACTUALISM 142
4/15/81
CRIF #28: EARS 4/7
He reviews all the cranial nerves and I feel very light with most of them, and then get into mainly throat and solar plexus feelings of fullness when he talks about clearing out the blocks to energy flow. He says that it's a good session in which to balance the magnetic and dynamic, but I feel that it's a good GENERAL session, again, talking about how it's not WHAT I see or hear that's good or bad, but what I PUT ONTO IT that MAKES it good or bad FOR ME to be seeing or hearing. Talk of the annoyances of the barking dogs and howling cats and cooing pigeons, and we're going this in the big teaching room, so there's LOTS of sounds of people rattling chains on the doors outside, walking in the halls upstairs, and practicing various musical instruments nearby, but I manage to get into the session so thoroughly that I can block most of them out, just letting them BE there, and bumping AGAIN into the paradox that I want everything to be FULL AND RICH AND UNEXPECTED, but I complain anytime things are NOISY AND COMPLICATED and UNEXPECTED, which is rather that which I would say I would WANT. Feel layers and layers of my judgmentalism lifting off, and on the subway later I find that I can listen and look with a new acceptance of WHATEVER happens being interesting, not merely what happens to INTEREST ME PERSONALLY. I find in these days that I don't even feel like reading books: just looking at the people and even at the messes in the subways are rich and engrossing experiences of WHAT IS.
ACTUALISM 143
4/15/81
PELVIC X-OUT WITH BRUCE 4/10
He said that the X-out CLARIFIED the relationship lines, not ERASED them. I'd forgotten (or never had) the pattern: first concentrating at mental, then emotional, then perceptual, then human, then creature body. I kept reporting from the mental until he remarked that, for a pelvic session, there was very little mentioned about the pelvis. I said that things were changing: that before things HAD been stereotyped sexually, but now Dennis was beginning to CHANGE things around: I felt I WANTED someone new, but he felt that he NEEDED me. When I mentioned Dennis's joke about the horniness of the cat's yowling, Bruce said "That's a cruel thing for a lover to say." We seemed to be on different wavelengths. At the end he said there were parallels between my difficulties with Dennis and my lack of perceptual on the Actualism side---I couldn't see that, but I DID agree when he said that on the Emotional I seemed to be very blocked BOTH on the magnetic and the dynamic. I said I had to find out the difference between the perceptual and what I called imagination, and he said I'd have to ask Crystal about that. I also said that I confused what was different or the same about the mental body and brain-mind, and THAT would have to be checked with Crystal. He didn't know when my next session would be, though he thought there was progress on this one---held in his room with a big lion on the bed, and in the middle of it (like in my last cranial) HE had to piss, so he went into his john and pissed for a LONG time and didn't flush to conserve water. At one point, on the perceptual, he said I should "OPEN MY EYES," and I DID, but he didn't mean PHYSICAL eyes, and then I closed them when we got back in to finish the session, which seemed to be little time in only 90 minutes, as opposed to the two hours of the cranials. But I seemed to get to a place of satisfaction with HIM, saying that the rest was for CRYSTAL, just as I'd gotten the feeling from HER that WE'D gone as far as we could go, and now it as up to the pelvic X-out with Bruce. So we'll continue the saga and see where it goes. Bruce Lieber, this morning, mentions that I'm on the forefront. Bruce mentioned George Hudacko as being "committed to the light," and at my next cranial there's George Hudacko, saying SURE we could set up a time for just talking about Actualism and sex lives.
ACTUALISM 144
4/15/81
3-16 (REDO OF 3/6 AND 3/8) 4/13/81
Though the new rug was subdued with its brown flecks in rust color, the brightness and ARRANGEMENT was so much better, with sofas against two sides (could be moved because a floorboard which had remained from the previous room divider had been removed on painting) and chairs across the middle, and the room was CROWDED with people, quite a change from the 4 of our last sessions. Arthur was field-working on dreams on Friday and had to audit, and I don't know why Elaine (fidgeting constantly on the sofa, tied in with Pat with images) and Margaret (scratching against the sofa and writing notes constantly) were auditing this class. But ALL the rest of us were there: (counterclockwise from Chrystal) Barbara, me, Meg, Amy, Lucretia, Mara, Kathy, Tomassina, and Maureen. Amy was right, Tommasina DOES demand lots of attention, even at the end wriggling back and forth on the sofa much to the amazed side glance of Maureen. Chrystal started with a MUCH fuller "welcome to the accountability of Third Advanced" than she'd given before: saying that our knowledge of Actualism would be expanded spherically, so that our commitment to Actualism would have to expand concomitantly: that we'd invariably be "set up" by younger students to be made to look foolish; that we should hold down on gossip, even though "everyone's interested primarily in two things about everyone: who's going to bed with whom and what they're doing and when they do it and how long it takes them, and how much money they make." That may be true on the West Coast, Chrystal, but I don't think it's AS valid here, where people relate more with people OUTSIDE Actualism than they do with people IN it---less of a small town atmosphere that Ken said is now enveloping his brother Jeff in Escondido; that we should have firm friendships so that we can BARE OUR FEELING without DUMPING on at least two friends, preferably one female and one male. Amy and I exchange glances, Tomassina makes the remark that the men will be swamped with the fact that there are more women, and then ELAINE brightly pops in with the statement that since there are more women than men, the men are gonna have a lot of friends. No one corrects her. Then, WITHOUT saying ANYTHING about what might happen with Human Ego, Chrystal says that the tape will introduce TWO new concepts: matrix ego (which she doesn't place in forebrain, which Russell assumes on THIS tape it's already been PLACED in during one of the verbal sessions BEFORE this tape in the OLD organization) and the Molecular Seat, and then plays the same tape I heard before that impressed me so much with Russell's HUMANITY. But Barbara's VERY disturbed about her human, with which she identifies strongly, being left out, and Chrystal has to "tune in" to find what to tell her. After a VERY long time of communing with the immortals (during which Amy said she may have been getting "differing advice") she says to move Human Ego up into the Upper Room, and that future sessions will clear up some of the "loose ends" in a "way that will surprise even our auditors," she says with a smile. I ask her during the break when OUR next conference might be, and she says she's waiting for news from Carol Ann and Winston, who are doing the West Coast gay men's seminar, and she'll let me know when word comes back. I report on my "layer-cake theory" of the separability of the levels being destroyed with such humor that the class breaks up, and THEN I report on Russell's humor AND how I seemed to perceive the entire CLASS being moved back and forth with the reactions from the session, not merely INDIVIDUAL reactions, and Chrystal tended to agree with me. We ended about 9:30 but then questions and comments kept us until about 10:30, and then Arthur said he was taking a cab home, Meg came along for a handful of change, I gave him $5 and got off at Clark and Court with Amy, bought wine, shared Amy's free chocolate chip cookie from Moishe's, and came to Dennis's dinner of good beered chicken, baked onions, fried bananas, and fruit soup, and we went to bed to cuddle and play, but neither of us was getting very hard, so he set the alarm for 9, I woke at 8, waked him, and we played, both coming, and I wonder if it's a growing coincidence: I last had sex with ANYONE on the morning of my LAST CRIF (Steve) and this is sex with Dennis on THIS morning of my NEXT CRIF---we'll have to see what happens the morning of the 28th! Chrystal said that while Second Advanced worked primarily with feelings of worthlessness (which smelled like feces), Third Advanced will work mainly with feelings of arrogance (which smells like urine), which Bruce Lieber on the phone this morning said was connected to Spiritual Pride, though he said he felt that spiritual pride was only a part of arrogance, while I thought arrogance seemed more like a part of spiritual pride. She also talked about the scheduling, that their vacation is during June, so that we'll have class regularly until June 8, then skip to June 29, at which point the classes will go from having the SAME classes in the SAME week, to having the Friday class teach a lesson and the Monday class three days later teach the NEXT lesson, so that members of EITHER class could have as much as 24 days between classes for business or pleasure, so there wouldn't have to be many makeups at all.
ACTUALISM 147
4/15/81
CRIF #29: SINUSES 4/14
Richard says science doesn't know the REASON for sinuses yet, but it will connect with the emotional systems and bring up "fear and rage and possibly some sadness." When he asks where I fell sensations, I say in the throat still, bringing up a pinched quality I usually feel, a holding that would permit perfect freedom if only let go. That generalizes to my life (after joking that the generalization of the gathering, through ALL the cranial nerves, reminds me of a reprise in a blockbuster movie where all the cast returns for a final cameo shot), where EVERYTHING is "just right" except for "a tiny holding on, a thinking about thought and happiness" that, it dawns on me, literally makes me FEAR idleness, because THEN the yama-yama returns: ALL YOU SHOULD BE DOING, ALL YOU HAVEN'T DONE, ALL THAT MIGHT LEAD TO NOTHING. Good realization. Then think of the increasing impatience with traffic, people, telephones, Dennis, myself, and find that masks an ANGER and RAGE at people that "impatience" is merely a more acceptable word for. Tell that to Richard, and he says that's a good realization, akin to the one that "anxiety" is only a "nice" word for FEAR. And I take that in, too. Look at the pinched feeling again, then try to harmonize brain-mind with Incarnating Ego, and realize that that IS what I'm trying to do: expand my BRAIN-MIND into my ENTIRE IMMORTAL, not harmonizing PHYSICAL brain-mind with DIVINE MIND to get part of ITS awareness, but trying to FORCE MY BRAIN TO HOLD ALL THE FACULTIES OF PERCEPTION, EMOTION, AND WISDOM OF INCARNATING EGO! Shed a few tears at the feeling of RELIEF that that realization gives me, describing with a deal of awe to Richard the STUPIDITY of trying to pinch and squeeze EVERYTHING through brain-mind and then wonder why I'm not GETTING anything! When I perceive the field, I want BRAIN OUT 150 feet from the body, which it CAN'T be! When I want to FEEL something in my stomach. I usually want to put my BRAIN down there to FEEL it. I don't report on emotional states so much as report of what brain THINKS the emotional state is PROBABLY like. I report the framework of the LSD experiences, where the worst thing that could happen would be that I would LOSE MY MIND (go crazy), so now I keep my mind SO THOROUGHLY with me (so that I don't go "way out" or get "incredible," which I describe as the words I usually use, along with "wild," for people who HAVE intense perceptions or emotions) that EVERYTHING HAS TO BE FUNNELED THROUGH THE BRAIN. And some perceptions and emotions just AREN'T the brain! That seems SO freeing and liberating that I FEEL enormous relief. Then I think of the walls of Sacsuhaman in Peru, and the Anthropology Museum in Delhi, where my mind was SHORT-CIRCUITED, or BLOWN, by what I was seeing, and realized that I was having intense FEELINGS or PERCEPTIONS and trying to squeeze all of them into THOUGHT, and when I couldn't do it, I felt overloaded and "stuffed." But it was merely showing me the LIMITATIONS OF THE BRAIN. I joked to Richard that Actualism would succeed very well with a session on "What the brain is NOT." I later said this would be one of those sessions that I'd wish to put in the pocket and repeat a number of times. When he left the room, I glanced up at the llama circle on the wall to my left and THAT reminded me vividly of the mind-blowing walls in Cuzco and others parts of Peru. I was FEELING those, EXPERIENCING those APART FROM the brain, and should open myself MORE to those kinds of experiences. Part of my "impatience" with Bruce and Amy is the fact that my brain CAN'T handle all they put across. So I HAVE been narrowed, and channeled, and funneled, and now can SEE that. Rode on the subway perfectly openly: looking, feeling, and not particularly thinking except when it was called for, feeling quite happy and relieved to be finished with the index, enjoying the shopping (until it proved so totally fruitless, not to mention uncomfortable in the rain and humidity), and enjoy WATCHING the panoply of humanity that the subway makes NECESSARY: like serving us a FEAST of VARIETY when all we asked for was simple transportation: a glass of water, but we get the STEW of HUMANITY in its place! Even looked at the graffiti differently: exuberance of youth; mankind saying "look at me," the problems of finding a blank space amid all the current markings, even to the extent of getting a WHITE BASE so that all the new scribbling will stand out the better---but still with hate of the stupid bastards that make life miserable for MONTHS for so many of us in just SECONDS of thoughtlessness on THEIR part.
ACTUALISM 149
4/29/81
3/17 (redo of 3/9) 4/27
Again an audit for $10, and it's the "non-blockbuster" that we'd had before about BREAKING UP HIERARCHY PERMANENTLY and letting them come up to their centers to be introduced to IE, and then IE goes down with them into their units to see what their complaints are. I'm activated through the whole thing, getting NOTHING, particularly when Chrystal talks of the "delicate CRYSTALLINE beauty of the molecular (minicular to Maureen) level," and I wonder WHAT I'm going to SAY for a report. Practice: IE goes to Matrix-Ego Seat and listens; to Body-Ego Seat and listens (and Co-Pilot goes along in order to move into the position of having the same enlightened relationship with all these egos that IE does); then to Organ Seat, bringing up all the organ egos to the seat for a reunion, then letting them return to their units; then to Cell Seat, bringing up all the cell egos to the seat then letting them return, listening and soothing all the while; then to Molecular Seat, bring up all the molecular egos to the seat and then letting them return, then moving back up through the seats with IE, harmonizing all of them. Tommasina and Lucretia report VERY positively, glowing with pleasure, and I decide I can't wait until my last turn, being an auditor, for my negativity, and I find a way to say it nicely: "I discovered that I want to be PERFECT and I want that NOW---not saying what I'd discovered, that my hate-rage-kill was directed toward MYSELF, and what I was KILLING was MYSELF!---and I found how ridiculous that was, bring up lots of hate-rage to be put into the fires, getting down to new levels (as Chrystal said) in myself and clearing them up in preparation for the work at this level. Felt MUCH better getting it off my chest, and Kathy referred to my hatred in her report, and Amy asked me in the car, with Adam afterwards, what I thought of as being in "Bob's Harem" until Tommasina protested, and then it was "Bob's Harem and Tommasina." Amy said she was going from clairvoyance to clairaudience, and Chrystal said the BEST was clairSENTIENCE, where you FEEL the Immortal in the item tested, and I felt I HAD BEEN using that with Dennis, and feeling that Tommasina HAD to use HER name in the name of the class or BUST---and joked with Adam that I felt he hadn't liked me AT ALL, and we all laughed, and he said that my exclusive sexuality with males (which I thought might be an overreaction against having had Harems in previous lives) was going to be OVER: he and Amy would SEE to that, and I STILL think there's a chance for us three in a THREESOME some day!
ACTUALISM 150
4/29/81
CRIF #30: VAGUS NERVE 4/28/81
Vagus nerve is the WANDERING nerve, and I feel a vacuuming up and down my body at the beginning, which Richard said was GREAT, and then there's little involvement with my throat or solar plexus as before, except that not much happened as I kept blazing up, but I kept getting into how much I wanted to CONTROL everything, but everything in the BODY (and probably in the universe, which could CERTAINLY be more complex than a human body!) was so complicated (I didn't even remember the difference between the sympathetic (stimulating) and parasympathetic (inhibiting) nervous systems) that I couldn't POSSIBLY be controlling it, so IT WORKS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CONTROL it. And I think of the details of reading, writing, traveling, entertainmenting, loving, living that I want to do, worrying about MAKING them all be done, and I get a GREAT surge of emotion when I remember that it should be LET IT BE, and not MAKE IT BE. Work with that, and when Richard asks where I am, I say that I sense a great binding in the magnetic-dynamic-solar plexuses, that everything's jammed up and can't get free, so I keep opening up and letting out the junk, bringing up LOTS of stuff to be processed, thinking that I COULD LET IT ALL WORK, and just ENJOY everything more, and at the end of the session I come up with EN-JOY, to be encircled with joy that comes from within, and the only thing (another good typo! [k in place of g in thing]) keeping me from joy was THINKing, so that I should stop it more often and ENJOY more often. Not WORRY about the car, but USE the car; not WORRY about when I read, but merely ENJOYING the reading; not wanting to be finished with exercising, but enjoying each feeling of stretch and development and contraction of the muscles. And I started applying it this morning, and it seemed to work somewhat better, but there were PEOPLE there, nice to look at, which made it better than Monday when there was NO one there and it became a BORE to exercise, so I would find it even WORSE in my own apartment!! He let me assimilate with the orange WITH the two warriors and the wisdom, and I said that a LOT had been processed, and if only I could KEEP it processed, life would be lots greater (this I actually say to myself, now, before a session).
ACTUALISM 151
5/6/81
CRIF #31: ACCESSORY NERVE (CRANIAL XI) 5/5
I get there TOTALLY activated by Mom's presence AND with the hurting tooth from last night. He says that the nerve comes from the cervical spine and is associated with the trapezius muscles AND THE YOKE, and I thought of the INCREDIBLE coincidence that the YOKE is processed when my MOTHER is in town. I must admit that I talked on and on about the circumstances: how she stabs me in the back, makes me feel worthless, tries to take me over entirely, and how I feel that I draw in the magnetic COMPLETELY. But in the middle of the session, when I'm feeling squashed into the middle of my being, I blaze up the fires OUTSIDE the field and rev up the magnetic to DRAW THINGS AWAY FROM ME, and I feel lighter in the areas which had been affected: the throat grievously: it felt that there was a steel floor in the throat preventing any mental rationalization to get down to the heart and emotions, and preventing any emotional or sensory feedback to my frantic brain. He kept saying that I have to DISCONNECT from her, so that we don't have to process HER overloads, and he manages to switch emphasis so that at the end, when he says that SHE has such power because I'M GIVING IT TO HER, I feel a great upwelling of emotion and gratitude and FREEING, saying "I hope it's not being idealized, but I DO think that's what's going on, and part of my frustration was having thought that all this had been DEPOWERED in the last visit, to find that it's back SO STRONGLY, but like a judo student, I've been permitting MY energy into the situation to be reversed and USED AGAINST ME by my "opponent."" I kept looking at it as a DICHOTOMY: either she was HERE or she wasn't here, either I gave myself COMPLETELY to her vacation or I shut myself up in my room and didn't even TALK to her. But then I began to see some chinks in the walls I'd built up (I said that I felt that I compressed myself into as small an area as possible to GET AWAY from her attacks and criticisms, but in doing so I left myself WIDE OPEN to her barbs, and what I SHOULD have done was IN FACT open to her: the truth of my having to work, the concentration necessary to my work, the LIMITS of our relationship, so that I could live my life WITHIN them EVEN WHILE SHE WAS HERE. This opened up ALL KINDS OF SPACE for development, and I even came to some realizations that when Chrystal said that I should open up to my magnetic, to my feminine, I immediately thought of "becoming like my mother," as John (who used the devastating "You're like a sea urchin with all the spines outside, how can I be affectionate with you?") and Dennis's frequent "You're just like your mother---or my brother," and Richard hastened to say that I should get rid of THAT, and concentrate on MY OWN UNIQUE magnetic and feminine nature, and that mass-mind images have built things up so strongly that it's hard to CUT the transmission of wrong-doing from parent to child. I said that it was certainly part of my UNHAPPINESS with my childhood that I didn't want to have children myself, but it was rather like MY deciding to have children and raising them in a BETTER way: what Mom's trying to do with me, yet not quite free enough to do it. And I felt SOME connection even though I couldn't quite go along with the directness of Richard's "Maybe you WERE her parent or grandparent, and you're learning the lessons as a result of that lifetime." Things were blasting through my solar plexus, and I remarked that at the start of the session I couldn't even FEEL my body, but now I could definitely feel my legs, felt increasing amounts of relief and lightness, even to the point of light-headedness, during the session. For the first one in the "North Room" I find that it's not perfect either: Puerto Rican's shouting in the hallway next to the room necessitated turning on the fan, which made it difficult to hear him, and he said they'd be getting a quieter fan, but then it wouldn't serve as such a good shield against outside noise. Lots of times I felt there WAS emotion building up, but that the block in the throat made it impossible to come through, and I said THAT was one of the worst things about the anger and frustration that I felt, that I couldn't connect the EMOTIONS to it for fear of REALLY being clobbered. I said it was SO great that this was on a TUESDAY of her Monday-Monday stay, far better than Friday or Saturday or even AFTER, and we agreed it was a VERY good session, PARTICULARLY as affecting my use of the magnetic: he said to BLAZE it up around my apartment, which might be activating her too, and process some of HER stuff: maybe SHE comes to New York every few years to be cleared up in things!
ACTUALISM 153
5/13/81
MEN'S PELVIC OF 5/6
I talk of my mother's being in town and how I've been dealing differently with my magnetic since the cranial yesterday, and now if I could only deal with my DYNAMIC in a good way---. We report before Dick Holt arrives, who'd forgotten about the meeting, and Gene Adams wasn't there. Talked to Neil Sendar before, and he said to keep using the javelONS in Russia, that he tried to harmonize with lightworkers and could only get Russell, not even Carol Ann, and "It was like 'Star Wars' with zaps of low-frequency and zaps of the javelONS." Bruce starts in on the PHYSICAL BODY, asking what each of US thought of our bodies (I optimistically settled for an 8), then to ask IE what IT thought (I got a six instantly, thinking that was fair enough), and then to ask Creature-Body Ego what it thought, and I was amazed to get a 2. Reported that it didn't help that 6+2=8. We used the ruby red in the processing while I tried to think what I could do with the body. I guess I looked at the body as a VEHICLE (Ken used the word just before I did) for brain-mind, and just pushed it for what BRAIN-MIND wanted father than the BODY wanted. Thought that the gym COULD be more of a pleasure than it was. Didn't get ANY sensations in the organs, and thought AGAIN about what I'm doing here and what all this stuff was that they were reporting on. I didn't want to give a negative report, but I felt negative about the session. George Hudacko said he was very busy recently, and that next week would be a good time to schedule a talk. He and Michael and Bruce and Ken and I went together for the subway, Ken doing little jigs in the street and I jigged along with him: he looked great from his tanning trip to Florida, and he had a LOVELY full crotch that I liked looking at. But his report was all about women again. Bruce Jaffe seemed rather distant from my report, and I keep thinking that all these teachers are looking at me and evaluating if I should stay in Third Advanced---I'm feeling that too much is going on even though I was just set back a number of months in third itself. But it's hard to know how much of this reaction is just desperation with the feelings that Mom brings up that I can't deal with in front of HER and have to take elsewhere.
