3-18 ATOMIC AND SUBATOMIC LEVELS
ACTUALISM 154
5/13/81
Pay $20, so I know this is a new session. Chrystal starts by talking about the party last night, saying that "Meg should have known better, but we should have checked the place out," and it was a real low-frequency place, as everyone seemed to agree. I thought it was dark, but color-wise, not energy-wise. She starts out in her little-girl "I don't want to be a stick-in-the-mud" voice, and I get turned off her completely, debating lightly whether to walk out of the room before the tape starts. She says she had to absorb lots of the random sexual energy (so THAT'S why I was so aware of Bruce Swearer connecting with other women, why Susan said Dennis was flirting, and why Amy had to fend off Pat Pavia's sexuality), some of which she left go with a sort of squeal (saying "Wait till you SEE my disco-queen side, but that'll be a while,"), saying that might be why we felt tired the next day. (Or why I jerked off on Monday AND Tuesday to films?) But Barbara was praised for the "lightness" of her singing and Mara's dancing was also OK. The two men who were friends of Meg's, who danced, weren't very praised. Then she says we're getting the atomic level, with its center in the pia mater (which they pronounce "pea-a may-ter" while the first dictionary pronunciation is "pie-a may-ter" and the second is mine, "pea-a mah-ter.") or "tender mother," and the subatomic level with the center in the dura mater, or "hard mother," both of which cover the brain (pia inside, dura outside) and brainstem and part of the spinal cord. Chrystal asks for the number above trillions, but I find there are OCTILLIONS of atoms in the body. Then she goes to the tape, which concentrates on harmonizing EACH THREE KINDS (knowing, emotional, and sensory) of awareness from the upper room with the matrix (which also means mother) ego, the creature-body ego, the organ egos, the cell egos, the molecular egos, and now the atomic egos and the subatomic egos, bringing all the egos up through all the levels to the upper room for the extent of the session. But he keeps calling them "fundamental" and during the break I tell Chrystal that there are quarks and even more basic theoretical particles, so do I WAIT for another session to take these into account or bring ALL of them in now. She pauses for thought and says I should bring in "all the manifestations" at this point. I report that the most important words for me on the tape were "good will and good humor," otherwise it would be a DIFFERENT report. I talked of being "over-ma-ed," with my mother; her talk at the start, the pia and dura maters, and then the matrix, and that this pushed me to the wall in BELIEF versus experience: I saw a parallel between HAVING to deal with the negative feelings about my mother and HAVING to deal with the negative feelings about the increased faith I was asked to have in Actualism. Chrystal said this was great, that I was coming to something that had to take place: the recreation of the mind. I felt better getting it off my chest, thinking in the middle that I had to BREATHE, and Amy noticed it, saying that in my next Alexander session I'd have to work on that, and I admitted in the cab (which Arthur insisted on taking through the rain, getting it up to $8.80 while we were still in the cab, and I gave my usual $5 and Amy a token she borrowed from me) that I WAS holding back on breathing because I didn't think it was appropriate to break into tears, especially since I'd been impressed with Russell's mention of the "battered child," and I thought if I cried I'd only be thought to be looking for cheap sympathy, but what I wanted was to get the report OUT and over with. She said I'd have to unify at the Soul level to get out of the obstructed, but when I stayed after and asked if I could take it up through all the levels and down from Archetypal, as I'd done before in class, she smiled and said "Wait for next month," and when I told Amy about that response, she said she'd heard the first part of my question, so SHE now has a hint of what's coming. Sorry about that, but Chrystal was looking in Amy's direction, I was looking in Chrystal's direction and couldn't see where Amy was, thinking she'd left the room. I thought I'd want to go through and find out what the levels WERE, and the next night and morning spent a lot of time going through Scientific Americans and books to come up with an outline of the levels and sublevels, penning references back and forth between them.
ACTUALISM 156
5/13/81
CRIF #32: HYPOGLOSSAL NERVE (XII) 5/12
As Richard asks me how I feel, I say that I'm getting rid of the anger that my mother brought up in me, and since this nerve deals with the throat, it's perfect. When we're gathering, it occurs to me that I might be angry with my MOTHER because she did what I couldn't control: give BIRTH to me, and she might also remind me that I'm HUMAN (and not some descended god) and will have to DIE, so maybe THESE are some of the reasons I'm so unreasonably angry about her presence. We get into the body and there's EXTRAORDINARY tension in my throat, and Richard tells me to blaze up, and I debate using my hands, and then finally DO it, raising my fingertips to my jaws to "let out the screams" that I've had to hold back from Mom, and then resting my right hand on my throat, looking at the closeness of "wanting to rip my throat out" and "taking away the obstructions to the light." Get another GREAT sense of extracting identity (bits of light) from the crap that enfolds them so that I can incorporate them into my grand "Being of Light." Feel that LOTS of stuff gets let rid of, and then I'm very close to tears as I feel that I'm being easier on myself too. Tell him about the body scores in Bruce's men's pelvic, and say that I have a perfect time for experimentation: the gym, where I can try letting the body FEEL good, rather than doing what brain-mind demands it do. DO have to admit of hatred for my mother, but tell Richard as well that I have to come to some middle road with it, even debating going to Ohio for a few days, which I'd hate, just to keep her from coming to town again, which I'd hate MORE. Feel there's LOTS of releasing, but he says that next week's the last session, on the tongue, and we're finished just at 4:30 even though we started a bit late, about 2:40. Feel good about the session, though, and feel just on the brink of getting to a VERY clean place, getting rid of LOTS of junk that's obstructing real progress, though still debating (how can I, when I FELT and KNEW and SENSED that the session was so effective?) the real "worth" of going through Actualism, particularly with Chrystal's "How much time and money you've spent," and I go through to find that it's been over $5200 by the end of 1980, close to $6000 by now, and still I'm wondering if it's WORTH anything, particularly when paging through the unreadable Alice Bailey books last night.
ACTUALISM 157
5/23/81
CRIF #33: TONGUE 5/19
Talk a LONG time about subatomic particles, rishons, geometrodynamics, and the idea that this is the last cranial, saying at the end a parchment scroll on the outer would be nice to reflect the "event" on the inner. We're in his apartment, green shawl as room divider, tissues ready for my cold, and he said he and Chrystal were processing allergies over the weekend, but it sounded like my cold was indeed elimination. He said all this talking with the tongue session was OK, but when we got into it about 3:10, not much came up: cramped feelings in the solar plexus, and at a point the tongue felt THICK with undissolved loads, but then he kept saying to unload it, and it flattened out and raised in the middle like an umbrella squirting water from its EDGES, and it felt drained and relaxed then, and there were GOOD movements toward feelings of JOY in the session, which I reported to both our delights. My mother was still a topic of conversation, saying THAT must be some kind of lesson, AND he said that I should unify with Reagan on the inner to try to help with MY project of gay rights: that he WAS strong, but still influenced by mass mind, but had the capability of being strong in the RIGHT way. He said there were problems in the ecological realm, certainly with women's rights, and even with economics, and I stressed his "robbing from the poor to enrich the already rich." He agreed that I was in the vanguard with this, saying that I could be good for the entire group and everyone who came behind me with similar outlook. Felt good about this, having a teacher saying it, not only Amy and Arthur. Chrystal (or the maid) knocked and entered and left immediately, he left the apartment while I assimilated, and left the place exactly at 4:30, waving goodbye to Chrystal in the lobby. He verified that I'd be doing the II's after my return from the trip, so there's nothing session-wise left for me, though I kept feeling I might want some other conference, particularly after my talk with Arthur the following Friday (see ACTUALISM 158 and onward) that brought up so much. Found that Arthur was a more challenging teacher and leader than Richard, but he's still unjudgmental and fairly much a sweety, though he seems to be so EFFORTFUL at all of it.
ACTUALISM 158
5/23/81
BODY SESSION WITH ARTHUR
There's so much going on I ask him to explain the session to someone who doesn't know about Actualism, but the ploy doesn't work. He says he brings up loads, even from the ribs, shaped like BANDS (he first noticed them on Bruce and they talked about them) across the back of the spine, where there ARE no bands, but the structures that are actually THERE (skin and muscle and nerves) produce the SHAPE of the load so that I can perceive it and get it out. I told him briefly about "Altered States" and said that I actually felt lumps and loads ALMOST as big as those under his forearms---and they MOVED. He said he felt me NOT in the channel, not close enough to the spine, and I said that I was tuning into MY pain when Bruce rubbed against the spurs of my spine---he then said when he harmonizes immortals, he BECOMES me lying there on the table, so we're working with OURSELVES, not with two different bodies. I asked about the shadow on his palm, thinking that he had some block on the outside of his arm, and he AGREED, referring to the lumps and scabs on his arms that were coming up from inside, saying that it was ACCURATE, and that the universe PUT him on the table with that shadow on his hand: it wasn't random but a LESSON. I'd felt the rash and hadn't CONNECTED it, so I felt he VERIFIED my thoughts on it. Chrystal in his first cerebrospinal session moved and lessened them for a moment, to his amazement. "You got RIGHT ON neck tendons that needed done, I was AMAZED at your precision," he said, and I felt that since I'd made it CLEAR that he should tell me if I'm HURTING him (he said Bruce often said "It hurts, but it has to, so keep on going") I kept going IN, on FAITH, but now had it verified that it was PERFECT. He said my being out from the channel was still OK, I was still doing good work, and that's what I assumed (or hoped) when SUSAN felt out of the channel: I just hoped her HUMAN was doing good work, better than her ELBOW. And I felt MY elbow and I'm developing quite a CUSP on the end of it. I could have pressed MUCH harder in the neck (as on Linda) and popped some things, though he said he might have to go to a chiropractor. Joan Ann knows where to "pop" his spine, and she goes ahead and DOES it, while Elaine Hyams can SEE where to pop them and DOESN'T, saying that it DOES require a chiropractor to do that. "You can do ANYTHING you want with your body, so now you have to CHOOSE, and I'm having a problem with that," he says. He chooses to work out his problems by himself (though he insists the teachers know where he's at), while I take them as an opportunity to get the TEACHERS accurate on their statements. I was being VERY perceptive, the energies were VERY good, the beaming FABULOUS (though I was worried about them, again going on faith, which it was nice to have verified); he as much as said I'd have to ADMIT that I was doing a great job. At first he THOUGHT I shortchanged the right buttock, he might have spaced out for a bit (though he was right there through most of the session, as I'd thought), because when he tuned in, OTHER parts of the body told him that I worked and worked with it and "I don't know how you found all the perfect places to make ALL those little circles, but they were GREAT." My talking to Joe Easter on the phone reminded him that he hadn't structured to assimilate on the table, "I was just LYING there," so when he heard that he turned on the assimilation, so he LIKED the interruption rather than REGRETTED it. So it was ALL perfect as far as he was concerned. I asked about the heat at his rectum, "was I getting too close to your hemorrhoids?" but he said that heat was a function of releasing loads, and if I felt heat, I was feeling the release of the loads. ALSO couldn't avoid the SMELL of feces, which was NOT REALLY the smell of his body, since it was so similar to smells from Dorothy Kent's body. He said he kept loading up from the baths and bars and quick tricks, and it was his choice to keep breaking down his body and having to build it back up, and get the loads processed, or to realize that he was hurting his own progress and move more into alignment. I couldn't imagine so much stuff coming up during a leg and arm pull, so I don't even think it was a coincidence that he wanted a neck spine and hip, AND that I thought it could be brief enough to get to the movie with Paul at 7:40, so it was a REAL LESSON to me in the possibilities of bodywork, and he SAID it was good we were working in the same class now, since CORRESPONDING atomic and subatomic things might be coming up BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, making them easier to process bodily.
ACTUALISM 160
5/23/81
TALK WITH ARTHUR
Actualism: I'm pioneering Actualism's looking at PRECISELY what enlightened sex should be. He's looking at his MESS. He's trying to find whether it's men or women or both or neither for his development. "It was killing Russell because HE got the overloads from druggy seconds; what Russell can't process he throws onto Archangel Michael. What WE can't do the TEACHERS sit up all night and process; what they can't do they throw to Russell. You REALLY ARE accountable in Third. Maybe Fifth Advanced IS being a creator in some other universe or planet. Sue Lieber is group lightning-rod: he saw big silver canisters from hyperdimensional low frequency hooked to her legs and in her and Dorothy's apartment. But she's attracting all this junk for the GROUP'S smooth progress, though she's not even into third yet. Chrystal cancelled his cerebrospinal session on Saturday morning because "she was UP all night processing dark force, while I was FUCKING dark force," and he never says she'll CONFRONT him with what he's doing, which seems to me to be nobility to the point of self-destructiveness (Oh, mentioned about Bruce going into "suffer to serve" in body session wanting more and more pressure, and Arthur said it would be a perfect time for that to come up to BE processed). I said THAT was "instant feedback," but remembered that Richard said on Tuesday that there were ALLERGIES in the air that had them awake when I got my cold on Saturday night. He TOLD her that his lungs filled with liquid when he was using poppers ("I could have DIED. NO one dies from poppers, but my lungs filled up with liquid. That never happened to me before. She asked when I was going to decide to quit. I couldn't answer for fear of telling a lie, but THAT made me quit. The POWER of our INVERSIONS: you have the power and you either use it straight or you INVERT it. The more power you have, the worse burden you can become---leading me into an IDEA that teachers REALLY have responsibilities, and might keep people out of third to protect THEMSELVES and the GROUP, as well as the individual not able to handle the power properly.) and she reacted in a way to make him think she'd be up some night with helping someone find asthma medicine (which he used) to keep from drowning with liquid-filled lungs and now she knows it was HIM. I debated asking him if I could USE his statements in conferences with the teachers, but I didn't, but I might. He kept bemoaning that he stays up all night and isn't available on the inner to fight fires, might be causing some fires himself. He said "Use me" and went to sleep and woke at 3 am with the vision of a blond-haired woman in trouble. He checked out the house, not there. He put out sigils and protection and ring-pass-nots and kept widening with energies and tools and "unified with the organizational center of the problem and used atomic explosions to smash it all to hell." I laughed, but he was being serious with his laughing. He had practically everything turned on, so he has no idea who the woman was, but he figures he WAS called and he DID help. How awful when he wouldn't be there when needed, or produce the emergency. But failure just means delay; we'll have to find some way of coming back into form together next time and getting it done BETTER. He felt petty in his toothpick dome trying to lift dancers at Meg's party, trying to harmonize the dance Divas that were there with these low-frequency dances, and he could just barely hold his own. It WAS a low-frequency place, he insisted, putting loads on everyone, mass-mind trying to spread ill will just as we try to spread good will. On the subway he harmonizes his objective sigil on the motorman, doorman, and all the passengers, the warrior along the front and back of the train for safety, and he processes and gobbles up all the essence on leaving. Again his hearty laugh of triumph. Teachers stay up late processing (as they said they did after Meg's party), but at times they don't even know WHO is causing the problem.
COSMIC: Actualism worked to free Iranian hostages; it's up to us to earthe Higher Will or Ill Will will destroy the earth and we'll have to try again. WE were Christ's disciples (Chrystal's dream of her angel showing her Christ and a beam of light and ACTUALISM students and a BIG beam of light, three times shown), the Renaissance causal men, etc. WE, if we succeed, may actually merge physical components and retain PERSONALITIES and get a planet to create and care for. He sees mirroring EVERYWHERE: body sessions, people on the street, in the universe. He says the important part of CHRIST'S life was the RESURRECTION, and he might expect OUR group to resurrect even if we're killed in some sort of cataclysm. At those times I think he may be mad.
SEX: It takes 80 times more energy to build a sperm cell than it does to build a blood cell: lots of trace minerals that the body may have to tear down OTHER components to build, so that if it's WASTED, the body is actually DAMAGED for no good reason. Random ejaculation DOES deplete energies and causes a need for a CLEANUP. If you STRUCTURE for a trick or a one-night stand, you'll GET what you want and NOT a full-term lover. If you always go to Joe's to eat, you'll NEVER eat gourmet food. He's BEEN with a trick and was depleted, so he REFUSED a lovely woman who had been "set for him." He's so impressive and then he'll sound CRAZY! He "came out" to me with these ideas: Bruce doesn't LISTEN to him sometime, ready with his OWN judgmentalism. HE finds me very attractive, HE gets same looks he got 10 years ago, so why should I be worried about getting older? (I told him of John's and Dennis's histories, to bring him up to date; he hadn't known about John and me being lovers.) YOU get overloaded in J's, are NOT available, and give problems to others. "I'd buy poppers on the way to my Wednesday class and end up fucking and sucking in Central Park instead of assimilating." So I rejoin, "You mean it wasn't a coincidence that Bruce Jaffe talked of pornography when I HAD it?" "They can SMELL it!" "I didn't see the Board of Governors at the initiation at all. All the OTHERS reported they did. I got in by the skin of my teeth. My human could have gone out and killed hundreds of people in RAGE (reminding ME of MY thoughts of just killing all the slobs when I see someone acting up on the street, in subways, or in movie houses). You open up a SLOT of what you WANT, so the bigger and better you MAKE it and put ENERGY into it, you GET better and bigger. And it's NOT "Who suffers longest gets the best," but "Who channels for the highest gets better than he who doesn't." He reminds me that Chrystal said that I contracted for the relationship with my mother to teach me things. Yeah, like WHAT!?
ACTUALISM 163
5/26/81
#3-19 INTENSIVE ON ATOMIC AND SUBATOMIC
Chrystal starts with an hour-long set of announcements: coordinating hours have been raised to 200 through second-phase third, from 50 to 125 for third-phase third, which lasts two years at least, and continues through prep to Fourth. She talks of Mike McCaffrey in Tucson and Gil Messenger coming here to teach Tai Chi and the picnic and various sessions, the men's being postponed a few weeks. Then into the intensive, the theme of which is "turning the viewpoint around," to add new points of view independent of what sex, sexual orientation, religious background, ethnic background we have: the immortal has been and IS all of these already, so we have to expand our points of view, at least in practice, to agree with the unlimited vistas of the Immortal. I glibly think that I'm a straight woman, therefore hunt for MEN! We get into the session, the framework of which seems different: we go down the levels, "reaching into" the organisms themselves, then BRING UP the egos for harmonization and then RELEASE them to their units before going down to the next level. Then at the end IE and Enlightened Awareness pass up through the seats WHILE HARMONIZING THE LOWER EGOS IN THEIR UNITS. It seems a good process between having a hierarchy and NOT having a hierarchy, as now she recommends we DON'T keep a hierarchy, just leave the egos in their units and let the IMMORTAL pass through all the units for harmonization. Well, I see, hear, and feel nothing (except the shouts from the restaurant or poker game next door, and my frustration). I try to think of some ways of "turning around" the report. Barbara even includes ME, unifying with me during the session, in her report: Tommasina GLOWS with progress, but Amy is rather down and I say "I tried to turn it around, but I found complete paralysis: hate, rage, frustration, lack of movement and perception---that's what my fixed points of view have frozen me into." Quite off the cuff, Chrystal recommends that I study the parathyroid glands and their hormonal relationship to resorbing calcium from the bones. Kathy and Mara have mixed reports, and then we chat ANOTHER hour about different centers, how luxurious they are, how different from New York in feeling, and about how Earthpoint might become a luxury health spa in the mountains of Arizona, after the earthquakes which will put it on the Pacific Coast!
ACTUALISM 164
7/3/81
#3-20 CENTER 9 EXPANDED: ALL EGOS/LEVELS
(Notes taken during class, in back of "Glamour":)
Expand Subtle Warrior Sun and Power Ray throughout the field. Expand the Energy of Perfection Sun and Power Ray throughout the body. Center 9 expands to get ALL of Incarnating Ego in ALL the bodies. Copilot is actually comprised of all ENLIGHTENED egos (through there's a somewhat different answer when I remark that I get a funny idea of Copilot being the left ear, right eye, and fourth rib, plus a few tiny organs, which might be all of my egos which are enlightened, Chrystal responds something to the effect that that's VERY silly, that all are enlightened to SOME extent, so to THAT extent they participate in Copilot), and it moves with IE to "become acquainted" with the egos at all the levels. Chrystal says that Russell doesn't NAME all the levels of egos (FIELD EGO would make this 8!) (matrix, body, organ, cell, molecular, atomic, subatomic), but that he INTENDS them to be gathered individually and collectively. IE and Copilot together move up through Physical, Human, Perceptual, Emotional, Mental, Soul, Angelic, and Archetypal. (This IS 8). There's lots of rejoicing at Soul, Angelic, and Archetypal, because all THOSE egos ARE completely enlightened, and lots of Souls and Angels join with us, and then we move down, starting with Mental, infusing Soul Light into all levels and going out along the Networks at all those levels of Mental, Emotional, Perceptual, Human, and Physical. I feel QUITE activated through the tape, falling asleep in parts and not even hearing what's going on, and I'm activated by Tomassina's grunting and yawning, Amy's burping, and various other activations. I open my eyes a few times and people are really all sprawled about, except Tomassina, who sits like Buddha solid in her seat, as usual reporting how she'd been preparing for this and how her life is constantly being made better. Amy sprawled quite a bit, and Elaine seemed to make a GREAT breakthrough in experiencing things, thanking the group for it. I made some kind of report hoping, and succeeding, in making everyone laugh, but DID feel better toward the end, HOPING that IN FACT I'm processing and getting rid of things. LIFE is going better, so why not just assume it's Actualism doing it and be satisfied with continuing?
ACTUALISM 165
7/3/81
#3-21 INTENSIVE NAMING EGOS; EGOS TO SEAT/C9/NETWORKS
Chrystal started with a sort of repeat of the Free Will talk that preceded 3-8 on 11/7/80: how Hierarchy and Logos had agreed TWO years ago November to let the Actualism school take on interfering dark forces, and Hierarchy and Logos gave them the go-ahead for the battle ONE year ago November, which was waged for a year. "It was nip and tuck, the final outcome certainly wasn't predetermined, but we did win, and we got the right to insist that Free Will of a Dark Force agent could NO LONGER take over a student of light work. So many of the students were purged, even some of the advanced teachers (she didn't mention Ralph Metzner by name, and no one asked), and people were still looking into themselves" (Bruce Lieber confessed that he feared part of his problems were that MAYBE he was a dark force in part). For whatever reason, her talk activates me more NOW than it did the first time. I feel depressed and irritable, staring at the floor and hoping that she'll soon get on with the session. This goes on from 7:05 to 8, and then I almost totally blank out during the gathering and the simple moving up through the levels. I tune back in on the way down, having heard that she said some of us may be experiencing denial: I heard myself saying "NO!" to everything she said; could that be denial? Reported that to everyone's glee. I began listening on the way down, so that at the break I could jot down the "central loop" of the process fairly accurately, though how it started I wasn't sure. She said some nice things at the START, too, about how one CAN'T INVERT WISDOM OR WILL WHEN USING LOVE, and that seems marvelously true and wise. She also talked about the spectrum of love, from UNQUALIFIED love at ONE end and DIFFERENTIATING love based on enlightenment and MERIT. Again she says that Copilot is all the LIGHTED Egos. FIND which egos are lightened and LOVE them, and find the unlighted ones and LIGHT them. She also said, which I don't recall with such definiteness: the Human Ego is now the BODY EGO of the Human Body, having been used as our CONTACT with the higher when we weren't familiar with it, and now it can take its place. Then I copied down the surround about my essentially correct core, on note: Gather and enlighten. Subtle Warrior Sun full field and SEAL rim, so that you process YOUR stuff and not stuff pouring in from outside your field. Pink sun around body, and light both power rays. Simply rise up, and at soul---unify with Planetary Logos and ALL souls. Archetypal to harmonize with SELVES. Then down to SOUL INFUSE: "Expand Center 9 to get full Control Room Consciousness---full body." Then for each level: mental, emotional, perceptual, human, and body: expand Center 9 at THAT level, move IE and Copilot to matrix seat, and move with Matrix Ego to the heart of Center 9. Repeat with Body Seat and Ego, Organ (for these, FIRST call the egos to their own SEATS, and then move ALL the egos down to Center 9 for "Control Room Consciousness"), cell, molecular, atomic, subatomic. Then blaze up through hierarchy AT THAT LEVEL, in Center 9 Control Center, and let the fires purify the UNITS now that the egos are in Center 9. She didn't emphasize going out along the networks, but I guess that's there too. Then disperse the egos to their elements and THEN move down to the next "lower" level. I followed, as I said, at the end, but I kept wondering why I was feeling so miserable: sitting in a room with crazy women: Barbara looking pixyish with a red-cap short hairdo; Amy humming to herself and going audibly "OOOh," when something hits her; Lucretia uncomfortable in her halter-top pink bodysuit; Mara flung back in her chair; Dorothy Kent burping with that "UHHHhhhh" afterwards that I find so "oh, look how good I BURPED" in attitude, and Maureen jangled her plastic armlets and said how much her face hurt during the day. I debated dropping out, had to admit that I got THINGS out of the class, wondered what I was doing here being miserable when I could be HAPPY elsewhere, though possibly this is what has enabled me to be so CONSISTENTLY happy through the last few years. Turn and turn again; mark myself on the calendar for Sunday's class with 3B (sad, I thought it was A), Chrystal said she'll call Penny in La Jolla to tell her what class I'll have to be having as makeup, saying that probably the center IS closed on Wednesday---drat! Have to change my plane? Phone her today at 5:30, hoping to get her at 2:30 break there, but coordinator says she's busy and will call me at 6 pm there, 9 pm here. So in I stay!
ACTUALISM 167
7/5/81
#3-22 DOUBLED MAGNETIC AND DYNAMIC IDENTITIES
Really a kick meeting with the B class, greatly reduced: only George Hudacko, Mary Vilaboa, and Maya Bryant, though Anne and Bruce sit in with us, so there are 3 teachers, 3 students from B, and me. My first report statement is that this group was so QUIET: it doesn't go "Toot, Whistle, Plunk, and Boom" like MY group does, and Chrystal laughed and said I probably couldn't FIND a more extreme set of groups. (I also asked her how to perceive more, and she made GREAT sense by saying I should go up to Center 12 and encounter the Devas from THERE, the Lighthouse View---GREAT!) Afterward she talks about the summer gathering in BETTER terms: that we've been THROUGH the battle phase, are now in the consolidation-of-gains phase, and in 10-20 years may pass into the active-construction-of-a-better-world phase, joined by everyone ELSE who's made a commitment to Hierarchy and Planetary Logos for Evolution, rather than Counter-evolution. She reported on a debate between the Moral Majority ("You'll burn in HELLFIRE for this.") and Ugly George and Bob Guccione ("You're a SCHMUCK!") saying they'll wear each OTHER out and leave the lightworkers alone! They're BOTH dark-force agents. Bruce and she agreed this was the best one yet. LENGTHY reports (so few people) and I confess that I'm anxious about flying, so she suggests that I unify with all the airlines personnel with Golden Javelins, which sounds really potent! It'll work for me AND for them, and it's no use trying to do MY session when I'm worked up for this, do THAT session and LET IT RIP! So I feel better already. She announces that this session is a verbal one on a NEW magnetic and dynamic identity (only by 10/19 do I know that these are the FIELD IDENTITIES she talks about, when we have #3-27 on EMOTIONAL Body level) (I want to ask Chrystal about the DIFFERENCE between Egos and Identities, but I guess her answer would just be that they ARE different) on EACH dimension level of creation, so that M-M and D-D relationships are now possible WITHIN us as without us, when males relate, it's usually M-M (though she says the males' magnetic can compete with females', just as females' dynamic can compete with males'). And she repeats, as she says she's said before, that what we get in OUTER relationships only reflect what we have in INNER relationships, and since we have EVERYTHING going inside, we get EVERYTHING outside. If INSIDE were completely harmonized, OUTSIDE would be too. Many M-M positions are possible ASIDE from butting head-to-head: side-by-side, back-to-back, one in front one in back, etc. (I ask again about Copilot, and she says it's INTEGRAL, but only the LIGHTED egos get to vote in Copilot's actions; UNENLIGHTENED egos have to WIN enlightenment before they can get to vote---differentiating love from last time). Light Perfection from 9 and Power Ray, move up with IE and Copilot to Soul, then bring Soul Light infusion down to Mental (concentrated on as an example) to get the fires going---get a general lift. Then blaze up Old Dynamic: IE WORKS with it, OPENS it to Being of Light, puts it INTO a power stance, earthing fires through dynamic aspect of Soul Light. Then Old Magnetic, and then coordinate the two, then New Dynamic, then New Magnetic, then coordinate the two, then a good GENERAL harmonization of all 4, then could do PAIRS, as she did with OM and ND, then NM and OD. She said the DAILY possibilities were:
1) ONE dimension in DETAIL and LESS with others, but ALWAYS do a quick balancing and aligning from Soul down to Physical to finish (Soul, mental, emotional, perceptual, human, physical).
2) Pick certain COMBINATIONS: M-M, D-D, OM-ND, etc, and work each level.
3) Make sure you EXHAUST your list, so that the identities are EQUAL. IF you do one pair, END with "four-square lightlines to get ALL pairs balanced. Look at where they ARE before balancing: M out front? D out front? But both confused? Three hiding somewhere? Each can be STATIONED in a quadrant, but no configuration is really RIGHT or WRONG, but only BALANCED and STABLE. Are their feet on the ground or are they floating?" So she said I should have fun with this on my trip, and I said how appropriate for meeting 25 people I'm with for 43 days, and Maya asks about the trip, so I give a brief summary, Chrystal giving me a hug at the end after giving me the map to Penny's, saying she'll square WHAT session with her, "She's always looking for a chance to telephone me." Everyone wishes me a great trip, and TO THIS POINT (almost 9:30), I've felt pretty good. Check NOTEBOOK 415.
ACTUALISM 169
9/7/81
#3-23 4-FOLD 8-FOLD 6-FOLD (BODY/ORGAN/CELL/MOLECULE/ATOMIC/SUBATOMIC ON 9/2/81
Penny starts with a lengthy gathering, saying that this is a NEW tape and it needs some background, though she says it'll be easier for me because I've already had the 4-8-4 session before we got the atomic and subatomic levels. The tape seems very clear, although Carol Ann whispers a couple of times to Russell to make sure he includes things that her particular organization demands that he describes. There's not that much different from the lesson I'd had as 10: without any energy, only with Radiant Awareness, move into the Control Panel in Center 9 at the Archetypal Level and press the four keys (energy field or unit being considered, the matrix (which is predominantly magnetic, forming a gathering matrix for the earth elements that make up the unit being considered---I asked her whether it was proper to consider the soul, angelic, and archetypal as EARTH elements, and she doesn't know, but certainly they can be called elements, she says---) of the unit, the FIELD of the unit, and the matrix of that field, sort of steering away from the idea that it's the FIELD of the MATRIX) for the Archetypal Vibration or Frequency Level of first the body, then the organs, then the cells, then the molecules, then the atoms, then the subatomic particles. After each four keys, there's an interlock with the level below, and he insists a number of times that this must be considered a SPHERICAL interlock: these aren't piled one atop the other like layer cake, these are all COAXIAL COINCIDENTAL (and he attempts to say that "coincidental" is a mathematical term---though the dictionary says only that it means "occupying the same space or (and) time," which is what HE insists on with the levels---they're all HERE-NOW) vibrations. Then when he gets down to the subatomic level he quickly comes up through the levels to the physiological, stressing at the beginning that you should only TOUCH on the centers and then go right to the UNITS, since that's where all the action is taking place. I kept feeling ARROGANCE (which they said was typical of Third Advanced) when I COULD keep all these levels and units straight with brain-mind, and she was content to have me report that it was very clear, felt very powerful, and it was nice to feel the JOY of working with a teacher after having been on vacation for two months. She hugged.
ACTUALISM 170
9/7/81
#3-24: KNOWING INTELLIGENCE, A "REPEAT" OF #12 9/5/81
Nice having the first class back with Crystal only with Amy (who told about her trip to Arizona, the Grand Canyon, and Los Angeles) and Margaret (who told about her processing the fact she had a malignant tumor in the rectum, which she and Crystal had a special session to localize, so only the tumor and parts of two lymph nodes had to be removed). Crystal says this is the session with Knowing Intelligence, but NOT with Russell's tape, so it's not exactly the same (because the tape worked with 4-8-4, and Crystal did it verbally with 4-8-6!) She (again) introduces the Ajna subcenter, in the middle of the forehead, which perceives TRUTH amidst all the "stuff" that we see; the old brain (all these are half-in and half-out of the head) a little lower in the rear, which integrates the parts into the whole; the left ear, which specializes in receiving auditory input from the VERTICAL axis---from levels ABOVE and BELOW the physiological; the right ear, which "hears" best in the HORIZONTAL, from other beings ON the physiological level; the mouth, which should now be able to discriminate more fully the benefits of saying what needs to be said and NOT saying what DOESN'T need to be said---to make the verbal communication more in alignment with what we WANT to say, rather than having words comes out with are misleading, less or more than intended, or even contrary to what was intended; and the throat for the rod of power subcenter. Center 3 is "connected" to the top four by lighted branches of the power rays in the Diamond Continuity Axis that ray from the center of center 3 over the top of the head down to each center, like a skullcap; Center 4 is connected radially out to the top four subcenters and to the mouth subcenter, so that that tongue is "hooked into" Wisdom; and Center 5 is connected to THREE of the top (both ears and old brain---no creativity needed in what's seen by the Ajna, I guess) and the mouth and the Rod of Power. Networks were invoked ONLY from the mental down THROUGH the body, though when I asked, Crystal said that there probably WERE enlightened networks for Souls, Angelic, and Archetypal levels, but they're CLEAR, so they don't have to be CLEARED, as those for the Mental, Emotional, Perceptual, Human, and Physiological must be. She went up and down the levels WITHOUT going into the 4-8-6 in DETAIL (see ACTUALISM 171).
ACTUALISM 171
9/16/81
#3-25: KNOWING INTELLIGENCE WITH 4-8-6 & GLAMOR 9/7
With the class of 14 (Barbara missing) she took until 8:10 going over the assignment of reading (or rereading, if you'd read it already) "Glamour." She said there were three major "kinds" of glamour that were activated in NYC:
1) "Esoteric-Holistic Health Smorgasbord" which has become PERVERTED---though not Actualism's Holistic Health Program. Don't FALL for this.
2) "Diamond in the Rough" syndrome: don't think you're BRILLIANT because you shine IN CONTRAST with the garbage NEXT to you.
3) Intensity: Physiological systems cannot MAINTAIN their responses to very intense stimuli; they shut down. Don't think results have to be INTENSE to be results. HIGH intensity "binge" requires HIGHER intensity to avoid boredom or numbness. You MISS LOW-intensity high frequency and NEGLECT HIGH-intensity high frequency---or should that note have read NEGLECT low-intensity LOW-frequency---let it stand?---You'll never learn to PROCESS low-intensity low frequency. She said that what Bailey calls the High Astral would correspond to what we call the emotional level, and the Low Astral would correspond to what we call the perceptual level. Personality HERE is NOT an illusion, as Bailey says. Maya is the Human, or Etheric Double as it is sometimes called. PRIDE will determine if we succeed or fail. We ALTERNATE between KNOWING we're ahead and THINKING we're the SAME as we were. If you get a question from another, harmonize YOUR KI with THEIR KI to find out what IT wants YOU to tell THEM, and how. They're not ONLY energies, they're ATTRIBUTES of the IMMORTAL. Experience is given on a NEED basis to each individual. Get over the uptightness that the DESIRE to experience might set up. "Simulated" light can produce a "hyperreality" like Dali's paintings. "Simulated" light is to Crystal milky or sugary, or it SOUNDS "twangy" compared to True Light or it FEELS "grainy" though it LOOKS ok. To LEARN, look BACK to signals you MISSED and find how to SEE the signals BEFOREHAND. IMMORTALS created POOR MACHINES to try to LEARN how to get back to how immortals WERE before ENTERING machines. Crystal thinks this is very funny, and I take notes in the back of Huxley's "Art and Artists."
ACTUALISM 172
9/16/81
#3-25: KNOWING INTELLIGENCE WITH 4-8-6 & GLAMOUR 9/7
Then we have a break and I feel relatively activated, though I tried not to let it interfere with listening to what she had to say. Felt squeezed between Tommasina's exuberance and Bill Parham's hammy jokes. Liked Mara's attention to my trip and Dorothy's togetherness. Back in and there's a tape with Russell going through Knowing Intelligence with 4-8-6, though Barbara calls yesterday and says she's confused: reminds me of the forebrain-old brain-Center 2-Center 9 stance, and I think that's done all the way through (though I'd forgotten about it), while she thinks it's only done at the end of the session for some reason. Also, she thinks there are four "color" keys that are pressed at Archetypal BEFORE the four keys for the body/matrix/field/matrix-field are pressed. She says you go up to center 2 and I thought you went to Center 9. But I don't care to call Crystal and ask, so I tell Barbara to tell me if there's anything different. Stay fairly awake during the session, but when it comes to the end and we report immediately, there's nothing to SAY. Then Amy gives her report and says how much Crystal's talk on low-intensity influenced her session, and in RETROSPECT I can report, which I do, that the session was about learning to discriminate between low-intensity LOW frequency and low-intensity HIGH frequency, and (in retrospect, though I didn't say that) I could feel IN the session how I'd change VERY QUICKLY from one to the other, triggered by a mere chance word from her or some sound from someone else (meaning to condemn them, but they didn't seem to take it that way: the others in the classroom). She praised the report, Amy said that it helped her a LOT through the next day, and others talked about that aspect of the session, too. I felt that I didn't care for the LENGTH of the class, though we were finished with the tape by 9:30 and with the reports by 10:15, so we were out fairly early, and some of the reports WERE brief, though people like Marilyn and Mara tended to go on and on in a not very interesting way---though Kate and Lucretia tended to be BRIEF in a boring way, too. I think both Amy and I are looking forward to a reduction in the size of the class. Next time is Carol Ann, splitting the class, and next class is October 5.
ACTUALISM 173
9/16/81
TAI CHI #1 9/8
Catherine Clemett's coordinating, taking my $50 check and Amy's, since I'd gotten the idea through her to start a week late, since SHE was starting a week late (in fact, people could start the second Thursday, also). Gil seems too hokey as he explains things, and Ann doesn't help much, though she seems closer to "explaining" then Gil does, who sort of expects you to get it through osmosis---saying WE had the advantage of knowing the same language, which advantage HE didn't have. We're given basic exercises:
1) Feet together, bend from the ankles and experience the "heaviness" on the side of the body nearer the floor, coming back to center each time. I thought I felt most of the tension on the OUTSIDE muscles, holding me up.
2) Feet wide apart, "sit on them" and move the Ta Tien (point on the CVA an inch and a half below the navel) back and forth on a straight line.
3) Fingers interlaced, stretch arms overhead and bend to touch the floor. This activates me, since I can't, because of inflexible legs, and she even says "for those who are more flexible, touch the ELBOWS to the floor, and later you can get to your CHIN touching the floor." THIS is Tai Chi??
4) "The circle," which should eventually lead to a steady stance for 40 minutes: feel comfortably apart, slight squat, arms in circle with hands directed to the pelvic bowl, holding the position without wavering for 4 minutes.
5) "Walking" with knees bent over toes, to front, side, and back. We did this the first time and then not the next time, but then again the third time. Then Gil started on the movements, giving the first as review for those who'd had it, and added the second: first: settle on exhale, moving weight to right foot; arms move back as LONG arms through field, then come forward at waist height, as they pass midline lift the left foot to slowly place it forward, weightless, heel first, on the floor in front, as the arms continue their circle to face palms: left hand continuing the circle, right hand palm outward with fingers pointing up. Second: rotate left elbow down while moving left foot left and back, pivot hands down while turning body to left and stepping off on left foot, bringing up right foot to left hell, then moving hands (pointing outward) to the right, fingertips passing below eyes, while the right foot steps forward and to the right and the hands push forward to mid-extension. We did that a few times, and in the intermission Gil and Ann went through about 60 movements that would take about a year to learn. His movements are overly cushioned, as if he's TRYING make an effect on his viewers of GREAT "enlightenment," while SHE seems overly conscious of trying to make a good effect on HIM, alternating with a dreamy far-off gaze that seems to distract from her movements and make them somewhat less exact. They keep together while they can eye each other, but raised feet or arms get out of sync when they face apart. There are quick kicks that I'm sure I wouldn't like, and I make the immediate conclusion that I won't be taking the second month of this: I wanted a taste and got a taste, but as I told Amy, I really don't want anything that'll take up ANOTHER four nights a month and more money. But I struggle to keep a SLIGHTLY open mind, in case I find that the teaching gets any deeper or more provocative. They keep saying that we have to be patient, they've been doing it for 16 years and they're not finished yet. We can't expect to learn it in a few sessions. I keep forgetting this is most of their SECOND meeting, so I shouldn't feel that I'm BEHIND. Not a terribly attractive class. Neither Arthur Dworin nor Bruce Swearer are there, so I guess they're in the Thursday class, which meets at 6, not 8, and in room 2, not studio 5, on the second floor of the Ansonia. Amy likes it, makes fun of my prejudgment. We agree the class is too big: about 24, in a space that would comfortably take 16 in front of the mirrors, and we're too far off to the side to really SEE. Gil keeps talking about the inner, and the possibility of activation, and saying he hopes we're all in an energy, but I don't feel anything "lighted" about the work in particular, nor do I feel any benefits in the body---would be much more worthwhile to get back into the routine of the gym and build up some bulk than doing this, though the "old Chinese saying" that "Long muscles makes for long life" is appealing.
ACTUALISM 175
9/16/81
TAI CHI #2 9/10
This class is south along the hallway, rather than north, and Arthur Dworin is cute with his khaki shorts and his arm in a sling from a bicycle fall when confronted by a taxi at an intersection and trying to turn too fast. Again there are new people in class, so we start with the basic exercises, and this seems to go easier this time: I guess I know what it's about, am not expecting anything, so just go along with the directions. But though it's better, I haven't come around to thinking I'll take it again, even when I turn at the end and find Bruce Swearer's looking at the group I'm in: Shellie Enteen wanting to be back with me, Barbara with questions on an indexing bill, Amy with a typed bill for me to cross-examine, Bruce Lieber wanting to get together, Susan wanting to talk, and Arthur Ellenbogen interacting---if he's looking, why doesn't he join us? Or is he watching Shellie going from him to Ken and possibly to me? Gil adds a third movement: continuing the push of the arms, bring the left foot up to the right as the hands drop from a push to level, then rotate so that the palms face the rear, and turn to "level," rotating the right hand so that the fingers droop to hold the thumb tip between the tips of the first and second fingers, running the left hand along the inside of the right arm to the elbow, then removing the left hand, palm inward and fingertips up, in a circle to the left, turning the body and reaching out with the left heel when the body's "front" and place the foot as the left arm turns and pushes out from the elbow to full-length fingertips-up position, in a "tree" with the opposed right arm remaining in position. At the end, we drop the arms into the "ready" position for the first movement and execute all three of them without interruption three times, with me cursing each little bobble and misplaced footing. The class is just as big, if not bigger, maybe 26, but then lots of the Tuesday class are here again. Room is invaded precisely at 7:30 with another group using it, with the leader snottily saying "We have to start promptly at 7:30," as we clear out. I'm home with Shellie again, who says she's having an affair with Ken, who'll be glad to hear I'm back from my trip; he comes into town every weekend to see her, and I feel sort of depressed about that.
ACTUALISM 176
9/16/81
TAI CHI #3 9/15
Bruce and I dash in at 8:05 but Ann hasn't started yet. I get a place in front of the mirror so that I can see, and am reminded of another exercise:
1) Hands on hips, pivot the Ta Tien in a circle, holding the shoulders steady. She gives us some new ones to work on, too, getting more difficult:
2) Swinging the arms in great circles in opposite directions, a mirror helpful in keeping the hands at the same level at opposite sides of the body.
3) Sitting on the floor and rotating the foot on the thigh, then bringing it in to the belly, chest, and up to the chin, and then extending it far up in the air without bending the knee. Since this is the LEAST flexible part of my body, I like this exercise the least, stopping with pain in my under-knee tendons wondering WHAT I'm doing here, should I quit now, why is this supposed to be so good for you? She again says we shouldn't be dismayed if we can't stretch as far as she can, but I AM! Her class drags rather more than his, so that she has time to demonstrate the next half-dozen moves, and I'm not at all impressed. The feeling to drop the class is harder than ever, so I can't imagine continuing after using up my $50. Shellie again asks if I'm leaving, and Bruce and Susan and Arthur and some others remain to be sociable while I subway home with Shellie who talks about meeting Ken's parents. So they're to THAT already! I get depressed looking at myself in the mirror: the white shirt hangs poorly, making me (or the mirror makes me) look lopsided. The head is small and undistinguished with its beard and gray, and some of the movements look silly when I do them looking at myself. A not unattractive bearded young fellow on my right and I share an exercise where we pull on each others arms "as with the peacock's tail" (One hand on top, one under) from the ARMS and form the Ta Tien, to see the difference, and there IS one, but it doesn't make any difference. The guy keeps moving BACK to get more and more in my way, when he has the whole front of the room open in front of him. Certainly others in the class are more out of shape than I am, but again there's no one DYNAMITE in the room, and there doesn't seem to be any compelling reason to continue at all. She suggests moving into the BONES and moving from THEM, and NOT the "surface of the body or the muscles."
ACTUALISM 177
9/19/81
TAI CHI #4 9/17
There's only 11 of us at the end, when Bruce Swearer joins us and freaks me out by saying "Hi, Bob, how's it going?" and I'm too flustered even to respond beyond what I hope is a cheery-enough "Hi." Then Amy wants to stand in front, so we have the two front and center positions, so it doesn't matter that I can't see anyone else. I can see Gil, who teaches THIS one alone, saying he should start promptly at 6 since we have to be OUT promptly at 7:30. He adds position 4 "The stork airs its wings," which involves going from the spread-arm position with weight evenly balanced on both feet to a closed position by moving the weight onto the left foot, drawing up the right and placing it a small step ahead of the left, toe only touching the floor, while the left arm and hand cuts down until the arm is alongside the body and the palm faces the floor (meaning that the relation of the wrist doesn't change) and the right hand opens as the arm swings it above the head and down in front, ending with the palm facing left, fingers up, with the forearm more or less perpendicular to the floor. Since this is the next-to-last Thursday class, there's only one movement left this month. He talks a lot about mental attitudes while moving through the positions, even sacrificing some of the precision of the movement: he "demonstrates" the first five movements first from "Beauty," getting people to say he was less forceful and more magnetic, and then from "Power," which reports associate with macho qualities and dynamic. He has us try all four movements from Beauty, then from Power, and then from COMBINED beauty and power, and he says that in later months he'll be teaching more difficult exercises and more of the inner work, but there's a long time ahead of us and we can take it slowly. Amy sits on the floor and I follow her suggestion, and it feels VERY good to over-stretched legs---he does NOT suggest Ann's "hugging the foot" that so turned me off in session 3. So now I like it again: if I could guarantee that all the classes would be like this, I might be tempted into taking another month. Don't even chat with Amy as I dash out and get a seat at the Alvin Ailey Repertory Company at Riverside Church at 8 pm.
ACTUALISM 178
9/19/81
CAROL ANN
And the date is accurate, since the session ran from 7:50 pm 9/18 to 12:50 am 9/19! I take notes on a tiny piece of yellow paper, while other have whole notebooks. High-frequency has no POWER over low-frequency PEOPLE.
"I am activated" PROVES your images have TAKEN some of your IDENTITY from you.
Mind = air; Nerves = fire; liquids = water; solids = earth in the body.
Loving, and bringing light to, each LEVEL promotes HEALTH at ALL levels.
In 3rd, you should recognize and acknowledge your POWER to DECIDE.
Become FREE to live in high frequency, as she's done, WITH that power.
Teachers teach the tools for the individuals to change THEMSELVES.
Carol Ann's Personality: IE relationship grown over 17 years; 1st Adv. in 1964.
The more people in the room, the lonelier she got, so she knew something had to change.
We're here to bring the unobstructed into earth elements: PARADISE ON EARTH.
The Higher represents AUTHORITY, giving ORDERS (like PARENTS): this thought is infantile.
If you BUILD a brain to CORRESPOND to IE, you will be given ALTERNATIVES & YOU choose!
PEOPLE leave, but IE will ALWAYS be with you.
YOU are the most important person in the world to your IE.
You can never be better; you can never be LESS than your IE.
PEOPLE can never give you the recognition and love that IE gives you, if you accept it.
IE can show where YOUR love and HATE is attached and can be freed from the past.
Initiation-level of human/perceptual/emotional/mental, and even SOUL depends on YOU.
(Plumper than before, in a rainbow-cascade velour sweater, she's like Ellen Burstyn.)
SPINNING-CONE-TOOL does NOT respond to Personality thought---only IE uses it.
HER name for the tool (we can change it; from sci-fi and H.G. Wells): THE TIME MACHINE.
We can use it to look at (1) BIRTH trauma---if the MAGNETIC is not formed, you always GRASP and NEED and feel rejected. Constant outrage if you're born early, since you HATE the dynamic that pulled you out and slapped you! (2) prenatal, (3) the mystery of life, the moment of conception, the start of life, (4) BEFORE you were in form (so you know where you'll go when you LEAVE it and not fear and rage against. (5) to answer "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?" (realizing that your purpose probably does NOT give you mass-mind recognition), and this is called "Moment of Agreement" (MOA): between Mother's IE and Father's IE and INDIVIDUAL's IE.
You brought your FLAWS with you to EVOLVE them!
But who LIVES UP TO their agreements? You have to renegotiate and re-contract.
So you have to learn to HEAL and FORGIVE and BE FORGIVEN. Break from 7:50-8 pm.
Process of looking at front, back, inside to IE. Cone brought before you, IE invokes all the identities in turn, enters and pushes the buttons, going back to age 12, back to 5 minutes after birth, to birth canal, through 9 months, through the moment of conception (where were the parents at: was the father's dynamic hostile and in rape mode, was the mother's magnetic or non-receptive?), into ova consciousness, sperm consciousness, back to MOA. Then forward again, dwelling four minutes on the 24 hours after birth, and I get SEPARATENESS---I was separated THEN and think I have to REMAIN that.
Then to "meeting the family" and I think I DIDN'T like it: explains "I like KNOWING, but not MEETING, people." then REVERSE to MOA to make smooth, straight, cleaner, unloaded that passage of time, taking loads off it. Break 9:10-9:25. Carol Ann: ONLY Love can bring Joy and Beauty and Truth. I check schedules. Birth through 2 years: first shock: You are NOT the center of the universe! That arouses jealousy and competitiveness, which operate through age 18. We as "adults" merely SOPHISTICATE our manipulations of smiling and screaming. "better than" is a big trip on this planet.
From age 18 to death, we play the roles OUT in jealousy and competitiveness (and when I go to write the last word, I start writing DEPENDENCE, significantly).
Tonight we change your future by picking up LOST identities through our lifetime. We're here to take identities THROUGH earth experiences and NOT identify with them.
You treat all external dynamics as you thought of your father. (avoidance?)
You treat all external magnetics as you thought of your mother. (suspicion?)
5 minutes spent on ages 1 through 6, some SHUTDOWNS in school, look at them.
5 minutes spent on ages 6-12, sexuality and sensuality and companions.
10 minutes spent on ages 12-18---being gay happens AT MOA, but SOME put on gayness here from rejection or as bisexuality. Love is the SAME: M-M, F-F, M-F.
Personalities come together for REGENERATING mind and body and cells.
Pelvic bowl INTENDED to be the cleanest/sacredest part of the body.
"First sexual event helped set stage for whole adult sex life," which I DON'T agree!
Arrogant dynamics will ALWAYS attract WORTHLESS magnetics.
For kids 12-18, NO parent does the right thing.
12-18: BIG teenage identity-loss to IE's AUTHORITY; this CAN lead to DRUG trips.
I may have to hide my emotions from the world, but I don't have to hide my PERCEPTIONS from ACTUALISM: this is the only useful handle I get from it.
18-up (7 minutes), one or more of 3: Higher education, Work, Marriage.
Then at time of the INTRO, your life changed direction.
Ask where you would BE if you weren't HERE. Turns out Ken is 29; Jeff 34. Break 11-11:15
Went through MOA again, drawing all the CRAP into the tubes (only as much as you CHOOSE to get rid of, however), and all the IE's in group join to locomotive /bulldoze it through and into the fires. Stop thinking in terms of having to WORK at elimination. Suns dissolve MUCH and have essence ready to assimilate in 60 seconds. Then we aligned IE behind us, putting hands on shoulders, then sit IN us: fiber by cell by bone by subatom. Then same process with human. Then assimilate and prepare a 3-4 minutes report. All egos/identities come out of the cone (including 4 field identities at each level) and join body, at which point I got a RUSH of sensations.
There'll be lots of telepathic during the next three days---nonverbal from identities. "At least for tonight, you're clear." I report first, rather effortlessly.
"Perceptual's easy, just go to your nervous system."
Ken's question "Why am I here?" got a lot of MUNDANE answers: I laugh: to EARTHE! THIS is power that can't be misused---IE just shuts it down if we're out of alignment with the higher when we try to misuse the power. If you DO something wrong, at this point in the work it reflects back on you within 24 hours to a week. You CAN'T hit denial and do lots of MANIPULATION and NOT get it back at you. KATE LIEBER talks of guilt, manipulation, service, and drudgery, ALL like Bruce! Someone said, tellingly, "As the game gained power, I lost power." Great.
The last report is from Marilyn GUT-in (not GOOT-in).
Bob Hoebermann and Carol Ann are BOTH in the "40s club," both "by a little." Alice and Dorothy came to Actualism FROM the Bailey work, and the Tibetan still "talks" to Russell and Carol Ann, and the books are good, but there's some of Alice Bailey that gets in the way, but most things are MENTIONED. As long as Actualists walk around with "poor little me," how can we get new people? "We have to get 800 or 1000 students through to really get GOING."
At 12:35 she describes doing it on your own: Go to MOA, go forward to conception, move into "derm" you want to work on (from list given by gland or organ). Hold cone there and work down through organ, cell, molecule, and rest. Continue up and IE will STOP you where you need to look at EVENTS. With the Time Machine: Start: gather and enlighten; IE down the full body. IE invokes time machine and expands it as all egos and identities UP THROUGH mental included, and soul and higher junction in too. IE structures session---keep AWARENESS with IE. Clockwise spin for Time Tunnel. Time Machine goes up through levels IN body---larger than body to encompass the FIELD. Don't do more often than 72 hours (no more than twice a week), and it'll gradually clear out to once a week, then once a month, and at least once every two years when she returns. Don't do it in the AM before personal or business relationships, do it later at home and STAY home to assimilate. 1.5-2 hours maximum per session, though you can do it as quickly as 30 minutes. CHANGE time brackets if you want, but ALWAYS work to 5 minutes BEFORE physical time. At end: pull debris BACK INTO Time Tunnel, and IE will reach ALL THROUGH to MOA and to now, and push a heap and bulldoze it out into the suns. Always use only Pink (on OUTSIDE of field rim), Blue (ALONG field rim), and Purple (just INSIDE field rim)---a triple ring-pass-not---suns and power rays in all centers 1 through 17. IE AND inner teacher AND copilot would be READY for all third advanced classes; stop coming in scattered all over. ASK IE what PERCENT of what SHOULD have gotten done DID get done, at end. She got 80-90% which she says for third advanced is GREAT. End at 12:50, SIX HOURS!
15 PEOPLE: Neil Sendar, Marilyn Pappert, Suzanne Hoebermann, Marilyn Gutin, Linda Klau, Bob Hoebermann, me, Michael Blackburn, Dorothy Hunter, Bill Parham, Gene Adams, Patty House (San Diego), Margaret Meschio, Ken Miller, Kate Lieber, with Gil Messenger and Chyrstal.
ACTUALISM 182
9/24/81
FINAL BRAIN DISCONNECT 9/22
We talk about Bruce before the session, from 2:40-3, about, and she agrees that he needs firmness and not necessarily kindness, and that she suggested he go to a psychiatrist to see what UNLIGHTED help is like, so that he'll be DISAPPOINTED, not that it would HELP him any until he wanted to help himself. Then we got into the session: lighting Radiant Warrior, Subtle Warrior, and the Pink, we blaze through all levels and then she starts in the Subatomic Center and first disconnects the dynamic from any external binds or holdings, then the magnetic, and then has me harmonize the magnetic and dynamic of all the subatomic particles in the brain and brainstem and down the spinal cord. Then she does the same with the atomic level, and it seems like a quiet session until she says "There seems to be some blockage between the two levels, what are your emotions?" I say that I have no emotions, but it seemed that I was trying to make the subatomic "different" from the atomic, maybe more lighted, maybe more mystical, but "different." I sort of looked at them as they ARE, and she seemed to be content. When we did the same with the Molecular Level, and then asked me to harmonize the three levels, I said that maybe part of the problem might have been that I was trying to "see" the subatomic as part of the VERTICAL spectrum; "more holy" than I, and not as part of the HORIZONTAL, which might explain why I got pain in my left eyes, if the left EYE is associated with trying to see along the vertical as the left EAR IS associated with hearing along the vertical. She said that was very good. She finished up by bringing in the cells and organs, which I'd handled before, and the body and matrix, taking time with the matrix center since I hadn't had it when Alice gave me the first two disconnects. Reminds me that Bruce did the first three II's OVER after he'd gotten the atomic and subatomic levels, so there are reasons not to go TOO FAST, also. Then she told me to let the suns go into abeyance and let the red junction into mid-brain and heal the work that had been done, and she left the room at 4:10 and returned at 4:25, feeling like a good session, saying there was no "homework" to be done in preparation for the II's that start Friday.
ACTUALISM 183
9/24/81
TAI CHI #5 9/22
I move down in front of the mirror again, next to Barbara Lea at the end and Amy toward the middle, George Pierson in front and Arthur Dworin looking goony with a haircut in front of Amy. Anne's alone again, reviewing exercises, though NOT doing the "hug foot" bit. She said we should PUBLICIZE the Tai Chi courses, they're moving into a bigger hall on October 13, and it can help support the center, and we'll be separated out later to be given the INNER goodies that are so great about Tai Chi, and why the names of the animals are so appropriate on the inner AND on the outer levels. She goes into the fourth step, which I'd already had, and since it went so well she asked if we wanted the fifth, which we did, so we merely moved the right foot to the right and pointed the LEFT foot out front, at the same time starting to rotate the right arm AS the right foot touched the floor so that the forearm pivoted to parallel with the floor while the left arm just rotated around the vertical axis so that the fingers, which had been pointing forward, now pointed toward the right, and she said that the distances the hands were held apart in all cases depended on how wide the shoulders were: the wider the shoulders, the wider the hands. She asked pairs of us to work together, so I moved for Amy and she corrected my "bobbing" as I came in and out of realization of the need for bent knees, which was very helpful, and said I should not concentrate so much of my balance in my shoulders, but settle into the hips, which I found harder to do. I corrected a few of her movements when she did it, and then Anne said that we should choose ANOTHER partner and mirror each other. Arthur Dworin and I picked each other, and then she added, "with lots of love," and we both simpered at each other. He followed me most of the time, since we "accidentally" turned away from the mirror and moved so that I was in FRONT most of the time, and he followed, but we seemed to be going slowly. We did it and did it, and both seemed to enjoy the interaction. I didn't DISLIKE the class, but was embarrassed when she asked how many practiced at home and I DIDN'T raise my hand, and when she asked how many DIDN'T do them, I excused myself from raising my hand since I HAD done them in CLASS on THURSDAY, so I copped out THAT way. But just don't have the time for SESSIONS, let alone TAI CHI sessions.
ACTUALISM 184
9/25/81
TAI CHI $6 9/24/81
Gil makes clear that the purpose of Tai Chi is to deal with the ANIMAL within the body. Different people have different leanings: tall thin mental people tend to be birds, short thick people to be lions and tigers, and portly people porpoises---though I'd be surprised if there were a Tai Chi movement Pull the porpoises' tails. The idea was to activate these animals and bring them to peak condition, and to BALANCE that condition by training with some of the OTHER types of animals, so that you understand your own body and the bodies of others better (these latter are MY extrapolations of what Gil said). I liked his getting into the "philosophy" of Tai Chi, but I still didn't like the way he set up certain movements to be DIFFICULT---because of their simplicity, turns, athleticism, balance, etc. I feel these tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies, so such "warnings" do no good and may do evil. Also he can be SERIOUS about the work, and then suddenly be cajoling and wheedling and "selling" to too great an extent. FOR THESE reasons I don't think I'll continue---not to mention the fact that I'm not practicing. BUT I watch Bruce Swearer (and Arthur Dworin, to a lesser extent) in the class, watching Gil intently as he moves, sitting with his knees flat on the floor and bending forward easily, and get so entranced by his physical beauty that I feel like continuing just to be WITH him in a class, not to mention Gil's insistence that we'll be moving faster, learning more, be ahead of the others, begin to learn more about the workings of the system, etc. He takes us through all five steps, adding a step to the left rear with the right foot to take us back to equilibrium and introduce us to the next step. THEN he does about a DOZEN steps and says we'll be doing that NEXT MONTH: that we've learned the basics, and now we can add movements more quickly and easily. Then he moves through more for November, ending with some kicks that he says may be delayed until December, but that the body will be prepared for these, as well as "standing at the pillar" on one foot for about 45 minutes with the arms raised parallel to the floor. He keeps touting it as exercise, as "stepping out of the way" of interference, as muscular development, but I still think, for me at this time, that the gym does that better.
ACTUALISM 185
9/25/81
IDENTITY INTEGRATION I
We start by saying how cold it is in the room, she bundled in her comforter, I with my coat around my feet, and she says that the first part is done without energies so that the "stuff" can be activated, and THEN the energies consume the debris. She asks me to write sentence which I repeat aloud a number of times. The first went something like "My magnetic identities hate my dynamic identities because they make them seem to be cute, weak, and helpless babies so that they can get love, so we're going to make them like us." I really can't get into that, and it seems even sillier when she says to reverse "magnetic" and "dynamic," but I repeat them, reporting that I feel tied up in my solar plexus and a bit below. Well, FIRST she asked me for some personal background, so I told about quarreling parents, divorce, my looking into Dad's eyes when he was drunk, my "dream" of falling downstairs and losing an eye, my crush on my uncle, my visit to my aunt, my reconciliation after LSD, my father's death. Then she asks about sexuality, so I tell her about my father's penis urinating next to mine, playing with Lynn but mainly Billy, young activities, desires in school, first activity in New York, luck getting into bars, frustrated desires because of Actualism, thinking the relationship with Dennis is ending, not knowing when the next one will come about. She asked when relatives knew, I said my sister, last my mother, and my father never knew, dying 10 years ago. Before THAT, she said she's an aunt, Penny's first grandchild, and I said MY sister had a baby three months ago. She praised the Leboyer method, sister hardly gassed at all. I talked while Crystal took notes until about 1, then broke for water and pissing. Richard raises his Cranial rate to $32.50, having done 400 in the past year. Back to sentences, which I'm not remembering very well. The third was something like "My magnetic identities love my dynamic identities because they help them find their purpose and use, which also helps the dynamic perform its function." I like that somewhat better. The fourth strikes me as being obviously false: My magnetic identities love my dynamic identities because of their nature ... " and I feel like crying because my magnetic does NOT seem to like my dynamic: the magnetic feels like it's being SAT on, while the dynamic is held back because my magnetic isn't being developed. That brings up lots of emotion, and that increases when Crystal says "Say that to your heart," and I take it to mean that my HEART dynamically goes out to gay men because that's its NATURE, and my magnetic LOVES its action. That makes me seem ALL RIGHT, and I say that feels better, since I felt that the restriction of my METHOD implied a disapproval of my BEING. Crystal didn't say anything about that. Then she had me address my liver and my generative powers, and I enjoyed saying that my magnetic likes the powers of my dynamic generative powers, and that activity helped satisfy me. This is a poor report of a good session. At 2:30 I was left with the following statement (copied from NOTES I took). "All enlightened identities love the many truths of each and every identity, so together we all enjoy relating interdependently here now for this is our true relationship." She said, as homework daily, or at least three times a week, to expand the Cosmic Father dome to the top of the field rim, expand the Cosmic Mother chalice to the bottom of the field rim, and (without spinning) (THIS session was done with Radiant Warrior field size, Subtle Warrior 150' diameter, and Red-Gold 150' diameter, and we spun them clockwise in the middle) use both forms of javelins. Say the line two times at each of the following harmonizings: 1) upper room and matrix center, 2) UR, matrix, and body center, 3) UR, M, and organ, 4) cell, 5) molecular, 5) atomic, 7) subatomic, 8) UR, M and center 9 for all PHYSICAL identities, Ur, M, 9 with FIELD identifies, 9) UR, M, 9 for ALL identities. At the end, release javelins and let Chalice and Dome clear debris. I felt that I was stronger on the magnetic AND dynamic, but without coming to terms with my often-stated quandary that SOCIETY doesn't want me to show my sexual preference, so how can I express emotions OPENLY! She seemed glad that I had a good session, saying that the next one was even better, and that the first three (or so) were a series based on infantile preservations, which was a phrase in ANOTHER sentence where I came to my "I WANT, I WANT," as CHILDISH, and it CAN be there, but in an ADULT context that GROWS with me.
ACTUALISM 187
10/2/81
TAI CHI #7 OF 9/29
I'm very much aware that this is the last one, happy that it's so. When Anne reviews the first five movements, some people haven't had the last two, so she goes more slowly through them, which is sort of a bore, but I keep telling myself this is the last class and I don't have to keep having patience with these people who miss a class and have to make it up---sure to become more a problem where there are movements being taught more quickly: Anne says that during the next four classes we may learn seven steps, and some of them appear to have many phases. Then she reviews ALL the steps, saying that she'll say things that we'd never heard before, but it all seemed rather cut and dried to me, nothing new at all. Amy kept chatting and Anne had to call the class to order a few times. I looked at my watch at 8:50 and 9:05 and 9:10 and 9:15, counting the minutes left to freedom, feeling like a grade schooler waiting for June vacation. Someone asked for a review of the foot-to-lap/belly/chin movement, and I sat on the floor, but merely watched as she led the class through. At the end she read the list of people in the class and wanted a "Yes" or "No" for those who were or weren't continuing. I thought I heard a solid "No" from Michael Blackburn, but Amy thought he said "Yes." I may have misheard. There's no great reaction one way or the other about the yesses and noes, but I'm glad that a lot are continuing: if most dropped out, I'd feel more sorry for Anne and Gil. I repeated a lot of movements while others were talking, but felt that I probably wouldn't even keep up with the ones that I knew. She talked about the "inner work" that might come when we moved to the Universalist Church on CPW and 76th (much farther to walk from the subway station, surely) and bigger quarters starting on the 13th, though she announced a few more classes for the Ansonia which I didn't keep track of, since I wasn't signing up for October. Felt that I shouldn't have anticipated it being OVER in such a strong way, but I didn't like their style of teaching, building up for things that would come to "make us special" in the future, alternatively saying "this is rough" so that we'd MAKE it rough to oblige her faith in us.
ACTUALISM 188
10/25/81
#3-26 REPEAT OF COMMUNICATIONS MEETING OF 10/5
Class WAS A WHOLE 20 days ago, so here's hoping I can read my NOTES on cards:
First phase Third advanced is about 2 years.
Second phase Third is 6 months IN a field staff OR teaching staff route.
You go into a healing program OTHERWISE.
Half the classes are in ONE group and half in TWO groups.
Third phase Third is about 2 years, one group, still every other week classes.
Prep to Fourth is variable, ABOUT two years, in 2 groups, MONTHLY group classes.
REQUIREMENTS for Second phase Third: 1) Intro course, 2) 250 coordinating hours, and if you're going into teaching: 3) 25 Intros given.
DURING third phase Third, you must have 135 MORE coordinating hours.
Field fourths at present: Ginger Dodd in Acupuncture; Ginny in Holistic Health, Morley Raeside left form; Dana Stumpf took his place in finance.
Crystal has tree 54, Penny 53, and Elizabeth Barber (older woman) has tree #2.
Board is Russell, Carol Ann, Alice, Elizabeth Barber, and Crystal.
The only Associate Staff is Jon Terrell.
Dorothy Stephenson and Lois Meyerson are in the HEALING department, Fourths.
To GET into Fourth, have to have two or three Fourths TAKING you FORWARD DIRECTLY.
Third is about Enlightened Personality.
Third "motto": No one TOLD me.
IN third, you WILL get bad news in what you consider to be the wrong way.
Crystal started at 14: Russell was a JERK!
"The next decades will show how FIELD staff developed ITSELF."
TEACHING third means you've become an ADEPT at teaching FIRST.
BASIC teaching is SUPERVISED for four years: during 3rd phase Third and Prep to 4th.
IN 4th, you get High Place teaching, which means First advanced and up.
Learning NEW stuff takes ELIMINATION.
Becoming ADEPT takes ASSIMILATION.
Basic: ENERGY spectrums and DIMENSIONAL spectrum. Adeptship: perfecting of FOCUS on PROPER energy and USE it to WORK on problem.
First Advanced: Power ray intensity (from Cosmic source---BEYOND personal).
OUT of doubt and skepticism toward Immortal COMMITMENT energies.
Energy expresses through ALL systems.
Second Advanced: Shift to ALL energies in SINGLE place (all power rays in C2), with a multidimensional balance IN the center.
Third Advanced: More than one energy in more than one center. Adept Third: holds KI powers as adept Basic can hold Wisdom Light.
Third also adds all the IDENTITIES: diversifying and unifying at ONCE.
"No structure for outer recognition of Fifth Advanced work." Mostly, if not entirely, telepathic.
"Shock treatments" CONFRONT you with your IMAGES directing to WORK THROUGH.
BY Third, it's NOT the purpose of a GROUP to give a LIFT; you can lift YOURSELF.
Have you BROUGHT "session high" INTO everyday life?
increase THIS PERCENTAGE IN Third Advanced.
Your BEHAVIOR in LIFE becomes more CRITICAL: look at body, behavior, life style, relationships.
WHEN you get to PREFER high frequency, you start JUDGING identities that are LOW.
We're OFF cosmic Karmic wheel; now we get results from INSTANT Karmic wheel.
3A went into Third phase Third on 10/3/81.
ABOUT 42 lessons in First phase 3rd, including 6 "preps to 3rd," and we've DONE 12 ALREADY.
In next six months, FEEL for teaching or field DIRECTION.
Private counseling sessions in 4-6 months ON that choice.
Healing Arts staff considered Field Staff.
At Field Staff, YOU structure how fast you GO.
At TEACHING, you're asked for 7-year commitment when you get to STAFF (after 4 years).
CAN do FIELD staff first and go into TEACHING later.
DON'T take TEACHING training if you figure to TRANSFER to Field later.
First Advanced teachers CAN live outside centers.
Rebekah is the ONLY Second Advanced teacher living OUTSIDE a center.
Initiation to Fourth is done 2 or AT MOST 3 at a time.
Fields can be Administration, Healing, Intros, IF's, Bodywork, SOCIAL directions, legal, financial, Death-Rebirth seminars, old-people outreach, mental-health outreach, work with alcoholics.
Penny was full time teacher WHILE running San Diego center.
Toby Weiss has 12-year-old child AND is on staff.
Fieburts (Associate Staff) have two children.
Blakemores (Associate Staff) Scientology-midterm (??) Expecting: midterm (??)
Linda and Winston in 9th year of relationship, married for 6 years.
Rebekah and Malcolm married.
Wyndee has a steady guy in Prep to 4th.
Barbara Drucker has a relationship.
In 5-10 years, STAFF will have kids.
IN Prep to 4th, learn how to EARTHE multidimensional centers with Logos for CENTERS.
Second phase Third: get SPECIFIC projects to WORK on at night.
At ALL levels, you have to operate for at least 6 months at NEXT level before you GET the initiation to that LEVEL.
The Review Board is a functioning body in Planetary Hierarchy.
Russell is VERY close to Archangel Michael, the Christ, the Buddha, and Planetary Logos.
Russell stopped smoking; HE maintains he's over 100 "For those of us who are in their second century." He HAS no birth certificate (place of records BURNED years ago).
Melchizedek IN form ON earth 27,000 years, a LIVING member of Planetary Hierarchy.
"Lucifer is a Being of Light."
ABOVE soul is ONLY light; below is only light waiting to be recognized as unredeemed substance.
Harmonize with Immortal: don't go out with PERSONALITY or you'll get PERSONALITY back.
Tommasina talks of two daughters, the older of which is 21 years old now.
"When you're a lightworker, you gather treasure out of each experience."
Can't earn your LIVING at teaching until you get into Fourth Advanced.
They WERE all into Subud (Indonesian), Carol was in early 20s and married Russell, and Crystal was 14 and Linda was 9.
Crystal INTO college in Second Advanced and OUT of college as Fourth Advanced.
Hawaiian Kahunas work with POWER, not Light.
"She CAUGHT Kahuna and has Kahuna garments on inner."
ARE formats for students taking Sabbaticals.
One of Crystal's protégés, Anwar Sadat (who was SHOT AND KILLED THE NEXT DAY!), IS BUILDING A TEMPLE NEAR THE Dome of the Rock to celebrate:
1) Mohammed ascended, 2) Isaac sacrificed, 3) Christ ascended.
Carol Ann keeps in touch with Auroville.
Earthpoint is to be a field-staff project.
WILL take a Fourth to earthe, may be waiting for a FIELD staff to MAKE Fourth.
"All Beings of Light are evolving, and Logos's current incarnation is NOT all lighted---we're NOT a manifesting sun."
Sanat Kumara IS taking the Ninth Initiation.
"Generative power destructively expressed is THE most destructive power."
Class ends at 10:27 pm.
ACTUALISM 195
10/25/81
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #2 OF 10/17
I talk about sexuality at start, and she says that either she or Bruce can give the technique of opening and aligning with the immortal of a prospective partner. She'll talk with him and get back to me. She asks how I've been doing since last time, and I say that I've been more open, but I'd like more DIRECTION in who RESPONDS to my openness. She laughs. Then she gives (with no energies, as before) these awful sentences again about "My magnetic identities hate my dynamic identities because they make them feel cute, sweet, and independent, and they'll get even by doing the same to them." I complain about these, but repeat them, and she seems to go faster with me (this one was only 3 hours for $97.50, not 3.5 hours for $100+) through the combinations, asking what I'm feeling. I feel that same solar plexus knot, though there's a time when I feel something in my side rather like an appendix attack. Then a number of times I saw there are emotions coming up even though I don't know where they're coming from, that there's something about being told that I'm quite all right and operating properly that makes tears come to my eyes. At one point she talks about how brain-mind can overwhelm the rest of the bodies, and in doing so she ILLUSTRATES how stale and thoughtless pure brain-mind can be, chattering on and on when the other persons listening are obviously not following or CARING to follow what's being said. I sit and squirm inside and hope I'm getting what she's saying. Then there's a break and we're back to put on 4 energies: Radiant Warrior out to field-edge, Subtle Warrior out 100 feet, Wisdom out 50 feet, and soul ray on too. She doesn't change anything when she gives me the SAME final statement she'd given before, and she takes ALL the papers and tears them up (almost ritualistically), and I say that I CAN say the positive ones without feeling very touched, so I HAVE made progress since last time, though she doesn't ask and I don't tell her that I didn't PRACTICE at all. But I figure I'd BETTER, or I'll feel that it's passing me by as I'd felt that some of the CLASSES had passed me by before we repeated them the second time. Have to do SOMETHING progressive before the THIRD in 3 weeks!
ACTUALISM 196
10/25/81
#3-27 CLARIFICATION OF TIME MACHINE
A cone (double) of "light of color of Being of Light": no PARTICULAR color.
1) Gather and Enlighten, move into Center 9. Light Pink sun and power ray and expand to just OUTSIDE field rim, Purple to RIM, Wisdom just INSIDE rim.
2) Have IE step out in front and call body egos into Time Machine. Harmonize and unify WITH IE and observe. Move WITH IE up to Human/P/E/M and call THOSE egos into TM. Then observe as IE contacts Soul/A/A and THOSE egos take their places---they're unobstructed and move freely.
Then move TM BACK INTO BODY, so egos sit IN THEIR BODIES in the Time Machine. Moment of Agreement is completely lighted and the source of FORCES for your life. Then move FORWARD to Moment of Conception, through 8 weeks where Derms (sheet) are separated, then up to birth, 24 hours after, and up as far as you want. When moving BACK, don't let junk pull you OFF---harmonize with IE or SHOUT for IE to harmonize with you---it WILL---FEEL it. Let IE GO OUT at trauma points and GET stuck egos and RELEASE them from the traumas. May have to "grind back and forth" a few times. USUALLY when "release is effected" either END or move BACK to M of A to start forward again. AT end, come up to JUST BEFORE Here-Now and balance, then move back to M of A and have IE PUSH all debris into tunnel and PUSH IT FORWARD to here-now to dump in field fires so that the BURNING can yield ESSENCE to benefit you HERE-NOW! IE can then release egos back to body (all at once) and all can assimilate essence. Method WORKS and works WELL, and should be USED.
ACTUALISM 197
10/25/81
#3-27 FIELD IDENTITIES WITH EMOTIONAL BODY OF 10/19
THIS class with Emotional body, but EACH body can be used.
1) Gather and enlighten.
2) Light KI---up through mental (&S/A/A) and descend with SOUL INFUSION.
3) Work with ONE body: M/E/P/H/Physical.
4) IE DIRECTS the four field identities to move to their positions.
5) Emphasis on SOUL energy or ANY of 3: Wisdom, Will, Perfection.
6) Take DIFFERENT level every day.
7) Lift identities and vibrations of the field itself.
Look and follow Crystal, who SHOWS way to work.
You're not LOSING anything, but SURRENDER so that identities can be LIFTED and returned BETTER.
"Surrender" allows the Immortal to do it BETTER.
Perform following process with EACH of four quadrant field identities:
1) Front (Old) Dynamic
2) Front (Old) Magnetic
3) Rear (New) Dynamic
4) Rear (New) Magnetic
a) RELEASE all HORIZONTAL connections. What you HOLD can never CHANGE.
RELEASE it to allow it to CHANGE and be WILLING to have it better.
b) Turn it VERTICAL and to KI and exercise FULLY with IMMORTAL:
1) Dynamics push and demand and penetrate and get ALL they EVER wanted and more.
2) Magnetics open and be filled and satisfied and get MORE satisfied than they even DREAMED. Send fires all through field quadrant.
c) Let identity communicate with Emotional BODY and LOVE CHANGE and opening.
At end:
1) Let all Quadrants harmonize with each other.
2) Let Soul light infusion EXPAND to Mental, harmonize EQUALLY.
3) Let Soul Light infusion expand DOWNWARD in frequency to Perceptual, Human, and BODY to equalize.
4) Really OPEN to LOVE all the four-square field identities.
I started feeling TOTALLY cutoff, but reported WELL and made NO mention of the anger and kicking people I felt for burping Kate and nebbishy Marilyn.
ACTUALISM 198
11/5/81
#3-28: CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE OF 11/2
This is the last audit, and it starts WELL with a makeup for 1/21 on 1/22! She announces there are 45 people in Third Advanced; my count is 5, 7, 7, and 16, which makes 35, so the class BEHIND must have reached Third. We were told, she says, in August 1980 that we "need T&Rs," and she announces a group T&R for L&A on December 5 and one for NSH in January, telling me to leave her a message to schedule it AFTER January 22, please. NO new training for 1-2 years, except for those IN the department to advance to next level. "If you only get a L&A every other month, you MAY drop it." SIX MONTHS T&R AT OUTSIDE! That goes till 7:45, then she introduces the 15 subcenters of Creative Intelligence. It's the aspect of Beingness that expresses "I Am the I that I Am." OBJECTIFYING! Presenting who you are. Presence. Main centers are 5, 6, and 18: between hands. Subs: Rod of Power,
2 shoulders,
AUGMENT POWER
2 upper arms,
POWER
2 elbows,
WILL TO EXPRESS
2 forearms
DESIRE TO EXPRESS
2 palms of hands.
DOING
ONE FORWARD from 18, one BACK from 18 (six inches), one top of sternum, one at D1, both latter half-in and half-out of body.
AFTER Gathering, quietly let Immortal ADD to what you typically do.
BOREDOM IS a problem; you DO develop tolerance to CURRENT light levels.
If you're watching from sidelines from an unlit identity 1) light THAT identity or 2) SHIFT to another LIT identity.
D1 is the Magnetic Will; the will OF the magnetic. Centers 5 and 6 linked to shoulders.
FANTASY WORLD takes ENERGY to BUILD, as in earthing "perfect mate" wastefully.
"You never would have spent all the money you spent on Actualism if you didn't want to wield power."
ANGELIC halls: new literature, not on CRISIS or MUST-CAN'T, but POSITIVE operas.
Looking at Angelic and see SPACE of Eden, you DON'T use CI to prove your INDIVIDUALITY.
You don't NEED image-government to make you unique.
Even Archetypal is a creation, though an unobstructed creation.
"You are my beloved creation" and start DOWN from IE.
You suppress NOT ONLY low frequency but 1) Love, fearing opening up, and 2) Success, fearing abundance. AND I START BURPING IN CLASS!
Fear involves power FROM you; learn to invoke YOUR power FROM fear.
Come down lighting networks.
Where there's fear, there's rage.
Images give REASONS why you don't do "what you intend."
When you have no TIME, or no space, that means IMAGES ARE PRESSING IN.
CI can RELOCATE image-government.
Hold life like Michaelangelo's "The Slave": it's a work of art ALREADY.
Only darkness is REACTION and IMPATIENCE to awakening.
Bring into form the Facts of Light! This goes from 8-9:30.
Talk of ENERGIZED: I want to throw out, computerize, centralize and PRODUCE, rather than saving, seeking to keep, and dreaming.
Reports 9:40-10:25. 18 "Chi" is Hebrew word for life. "Take your life in your hands."
Headaches INVARIABLY caused by judgmentalism!
Take the megaphones away from the TINY identities saying "No."
Affirmation-denial cycle cuts off higher.
Session: Expand IE full body, expand through Creative Intelligence with awareness.
(Subcenters about 3 inches in diameter)
Go UP and back DOWN with soul infusion and lighting networks.
Next time: come in with a drama.
Mara tells me slides would be OK any Wednesday at 8 pm.
ACTUALISM 200
11/16/81
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #3 OF 11/13
Though it took 22 hours, I don't have that many memories of it. Again we were working the magnetic/dynamic, this time from the framework of unenlightened magnetic versus enlightened magnetic and bad-will dynamic versus good-will dynamic. The final sentence this time was: "With enlightened awareness, all identities love the many truths of each other and the support and protection given to each other by relating interdependently, here-now, according to the actual design of our magnetic-dynamic relationship." When I do the session I repeat it twice for each of matrix, body, organ, cell, molecule, atom, subatom, then into Center 9 and field ID's, then twice for field and physical, at ALL levels, then once for human, perceptual, emotional, mental, then nonverbal soul, then verbal "personal and planetary" as then it's down to mental and below with SOUL INFUSION and NETWORKS, for mental, emotional, perceptual, human, and physical. She said I WAS acting out from the magnetic when I organized my books and music and tapes, and she insisted that without STRUCTURE the dynamic function could DO nothing, just as without function the magnetic STRUCTURE was just a BLOB. She then instructed me to make a list of what the magnetic and dynamic each DOES. I still felt that my magnetic was so victimized that it didn't have much force at all (though she seems rather to feel that I'm just not attributing to it what IS there), and I so feel that the dynamic is "all" that when I was saying that the dynamic would do everything (in a "bad" sentence), that I really FELT that. She said again that I had to open up to the magnetic structures and love them, and when I mentioned that I was always so bad on the perceptual, she said "Of course, the perceptual is female, so you wouldn't be very much into that." She said that I harbored the same macho masculine feelings as stupid men without APPEARING as they appear. I said I felt lots of anger as I'd felt earlier during some of the sexual sessions we had. Then I mentioned I was looking forward to the first gay men's seminar on Sunday (see ACTUALISM 201) and she said it'd be interesting, and said I probably wouldn't have another session in December, only a private talk in January or February, about what I'll be doing for the rest of Third Advanced. She also said it didn't particularly matter that my BRAIN-MINED seemed left out of it.
