FIRST GAY MAN'S SEMINAR OF 11/15
ACTUALISM 201
11/16/81
At first I'm rather sorry to see that there were only five of us: me, Arthur Ellenbogen, suffering from herpes on his head and neck; George Hudacko, Wayne Dennis, a rather lispy blond of little attraction; and Philip Vitali, of somewhat more attraction but with a lover. HE was glad I mentioned the Mineshaft, because he got a chance to describe how he could APPEAR drugged and get so deeply involved in the sexual scene there (the way he was saying it, it seemed he got into a tub and was urinated and defecated upon, since he said he was "down there" (or on the floor) and took friends along to see that he wouldn't get taken over completely). Everyone seemed to agree with the awful scenario that Bruce Jaffe and Gil Messenger seemed happy to make about gay life: just going more and more downhill until EVERYONE was on the bottom and reveling in it. I insisted that I could handle myself and had to deal with Actualism's refusing me going there, and during the first break I asked Bruce if I were going too far mentioning what he and Chrystal told me, and HE took it that I was trying to enlist the group against the teachers, so I just said "uh huh" and decided I'd better not mention anything from the past sessions, since that applies to Third and not to the two who have just gone into second. There was about an hour's talk, and then Bruce led us through a pelvic session with the Red-Gold (for centering, and I felt more centered after it was over), adding in coursing through the digestive system (wonder why they included the mouth and the anus so thoroughly, HA) and ending with the prostate in concentration. They were startled by a brief description of the trucks, but kept insisting they didn't want to change us, just help us with our problems, and that some of our sexual lives might just be more happy than some heterosexual lives in the sexual field. But none of us seemed to be worried about that, only we seemed to want more of an AIRING of what we thought that THEY wanted, eager to get into the regular processing. They said they'd be working with us on the inner to try to clean up some of these places, and when I kept fighting them, they turned it and said they're going to be calling on my Warrior status to help them out. I kept saying that since they didn't KNOW what was going on, they had no right to judge that it was so AWFUL. Though I found myself admitting that I had to be so CLOSED DOWN in those places AGAINST things that I didn't like, that it was hard to open up again with any individual---don't QUITE know where THAT came from, to be honest. Arthur told about his college days in a small town in Connecticut where he could walk hand-in-hand with guys and be very loving without having SEX, but then he'd get drawn into the S&M world, which everyone quickly agreed was getting to be "the scene" in the straight world too. I felt separated for most of the time: saying that I HAD to be separated in Ohio because I felt smarter than everyone and gayer than anyone, and then had to be separated, even in Mattachine and speaking for it, because I didn't feel that I was like other GAY people. Felt VERY angry when George tried to say that EVERY encounter wasn't a possibility for a lasting one, or Arthur described EVERYONE meeting in the baths by pinching tits, or Wayne feeling guilty because he was arrested in a gay bookshop, or Philip saying he had no way of controlling his "going all the way down" when he went to bars and baths. But when I talked against their way of thinking, it seemed that I was talking against the SCHOOL, somehow. I felt closed off and angry and pissed, though I had to admit I was interested in Bruce's quietness and Gil's too-rambling embarrassed chatter about the subject, saying that THEY were learning, too. I left right after the class was adjourned, and everyone had to shout out to make sure I heard their goodbyes. I mentioned to George that we never DID have our talk, and he said we might have it NOW, and I sort of had the fantasy of just getting the group together to RAP, since that seemed to be such a drive in all of us, which wasn't shared by Bruce or Gil. VERY pissed when Arthur agreed to Bruce's "large dark being" at the "organization center" of orgy places, and then their stupid "we'll deal with the anus even though you might not indulge there, since so much mass mind is directed toward it in these place." That's just a lot of crap! But I DID hear Bruce when he said "Don't give power to your activations by coming from them; come from your BEING."
ACTUALISM 203
11/18/81
3-29 CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE THROUGH 4-8-6 OF 11/16
I keep taking notes in class, and it seems to help lots in remembering details:
Have I extrapolated "I won't feel sorry for myself" into "I won't feel HUMAN?"
Rise up with IE through levels, RECOGNIZING, ACKNOWLEDGING, AND EXPERIENCING your created extensions and body there---so EACH body expresses CREATIVE attributes through 4-fold nature (body/field/matrix/matrix-field).
"Souls joining/multitudes of angelic presences/great multitudes of beautiful archetypal beings: first-created self-extensions.
AT Archetypal: touch emerald-green key and Royal-Purple key and get AUGMENTED power at ALL levels.
Unity with God-Child Creator of our systems, and Father-Mother God, Creator of ALL Creations.
Start with Subatomic through Archetypal/ angelic/ soul/ mental/ emotional/ percep/ human/ physical.
Same through Atomic/Molecular/Cell/Organ/Body---at the end of EACH of the 6, work THROUGHOUT Archetypal to Physiological, WITHIN lower levels already done.
At Body---expand into Centers 2 and 9, forebrain and old brain, and just STOP when you get to Physiological. "So be it" at end of tape.
Crystal: Essence, perfection, abundance; all qualities of Immortal, CAN be thwarted by RESENTING and RESISTING free will for your own life, NOT the Immortal's to do, but YOURS. Stepping back from power? PERSONALITY must choose, NOT the Immortal. Your LIFE reflects your POWER of wielding YOUR FREE WILL. Wanting the Immortal (or parents) to do it is INFANTILE: Begin to actively engage in CREATING your new REALITY.
Drop the judgmentalism against yourself when you EXPERIENCE low frequency, it's just a learning experience EVERYONE must pass through (reminds VERY strongly of the Balinese program this morning: they welcome the demons in order that THEY can be made into the Gods, or else the world will be destroyed.)
EMBRACE what's going on rather than closing flaps and WILLING your way through.
This SEASON is for overload and low frequency, so move THROUGH it.
WILL must turn HORIZONTAL problems to VERTICAL processing---ELIMINATING Image Government that works on the horizontal and turn it to the Immortal on the vertical.
ACTUALISM 204
11/18/81
3-29 REPORTING
I don't know what to report, so I mention that the last few weeks I've seen with such CLARITY that it's MY CHOICE how my life works, but I said there's still the FEAR that I'll be getting rid of my PERSONALITY and UNIQUENESS by getting rid of the low-frequency problems. Crystal listened to most reports in silence, but for me she said "The cutting edge is that YOUR IDENTITY is freed from the images; the IMAGES go, but YOUR UNIQUENESS and MARVELOUSNESS and INDIVIDUALITY is even MORE enhanced." I felt tears coming when I got a SLIGHT idea what that might be like: that my organization and intelligence and memory could be used for something BETTER than lists and judgments and nitpicking. That my gayness could even be used as a BEACON OF HOW TO BE GAY in a world which COULD accept a good model of it if it HAD it. (and I debate seeing "Taxi Zum Klo" with Gil and Bruce) But the identity integrations seem to have SIMPLIFIED everything and DIRECTED my efforts to get me to a point where it DOES seem to rest on a knife edge of decision. There are PIECES (like throwing out books and getting caught up with everything---see NOTEBOOK 441) that let me look at large chunks of that which is then permitted to surface---like knocking pinnacles off an iceberg that permits it to roll over in the water to show a NEW pinnacled surface to melt off. I feel totally CUT OFF from the people in the class, like I reported in the Gay Men's Seminar on Actualism 202, and I don't know whether it's because I THINK (or hope) I'm better than everyone or because I KNOW (or fear) that in fact I AM. I express it to Amy as having to come to a FAITH in Actualism rather than relying just on experience. She asks me why I don't perceive more, and I say it's the barriers I erect, which I'm now looking at, and she merely comments that I have to do that. But now I have everything out of the WAY and can look at it without obstruction. I have the freedom to move in any direction: I have no responsibility for family and can easily cut responsibilities to the other indexers, which I figured I would prepare them for ANYWAY. But now I've got to go to the gym and to Arnold's---there's ALWAYS something to FOLLOW with (see NOTEBOOK 442).
ACTUALISM 204A
11/24/81
NSH T&R WITH ANNE OF 11/23
Susan and I'd been very angry with Anne, but when I got a message Sunday saying Anne had a slot (Pearl Barazini had scheduled 3 sessions that day) Monday at 2:30, things seemed better. And MUCH better after the session! She asked me to rev up in the body room, making me wonder if I were going to be on the table, but at 2:35 she came in and said "Give me a minute" and she was on the table, liking my turning the heater on for large room. My weakest part was the knuckle, and she said I shouldn't lean from the SHOULDER but from the ANKLE, and agreed I might need my thumb to lend support. Her BEST clue was to PUSH the head down with the left hand, sink WAY in with the right knuckle, then RELEASE the head pressure, make the motions, and increase the head pressure ONLY on the scoop-out, and it felt great for both of us. Her only CORRECTION was to say that I do TWO moves out from the three D1 circle-pairs, and I said later that I'd probably done that all along, just got nervous with her. At the end she said I was TRYING too hard, and I got her to smile and admit we get uptight working on teachers. She gave a heartfelt talk about going in dynamically AND magnetically to merge with HER magnetic to draw HER IE into vacated parts of her body, again giving the beautiful (and I told her that) idea of opening up THEIR body to THEIR love from IE, and she liked Stan's idea of "holding" the parts in the human, but she said this would add to my CONSCIOUSNESS of the session. When going down the back, I should hold my head UP and close my eyes to disconnect brain-mind taking energy away from the session. She showed me how to lean forward and JAM the tight-to-body elbow against the top of the trapezius by SITTING UP, holding the elbow steady, and it DID add lots of pressure when I didn't let go of it. Also she tried to get me to move along the underside of the pelvic triangle to the edge, then move IN on a little groove toward the spine, maybe two or three passes to a final pocket maybe an inch-and-a-half away from the central axis, then continue the passes out to the underside of the iliac crest, which for her was WAY high. She said nothing on my hamstring and gluteus work, let me do the WHOLE right side without saying much (except I SHOULDN'T go back, but get more of a previous load on the NEXT pass down the spine), and wrote "Excellent" on the T&R form. GREAT session and I felt VERY much more confidence in her as a TEACHER for this session.
ACTUALISM 205
12/4/81
3-30 CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE WITH FIELD IDENTITIES IN PERCEPTUAL
From notes taken in class: 175 students in Actualism, 100 signed for Xmas party: 45 Thirds (though I count only 35), 30 Seconds, 15 Firsts, and 75 Basics---a number she was quite sure of. Join "NOW" to defeat "Human Life" bill. Again, repetition loses APPEAL. CRISIS directs SURGE of power.
WITH Actualism, why do we HAVE crisis: we FEAR we NEED pressure to WORK.
CI can PREVENT ruts and fixed perceptions, BRINGS flexibility, curiosity, and freedom to MOVE percpetives from fixed positions.
CI says "This is IT" countless times!
Mix: need to ROOT to EARTHE; but need to PULL UP ROOTS to MOVE.
Work with Field Identities at Perceptual: "Where do I need a creative look at myself?"
IMAGES cause "eye-opening" trauma. IE shows EXIT from trauma.
Burn loads in fires to DRAIN OUT STRESS.
Pride, in MAGNETIC, is storing INJUSTICE. Magnetic HOLDS injustice, so CI can TRANSFORM it.
LET GO of "Who's right: who's wrong."
Exorcise the SeriousnUS and the Kookies.
Turn need for "External Spark" in to Immortal.
CI can AMPLIFY sympathy to PAIN, so don't SYMPATHIZE: people in pain need LOVE, not more pain, which comes from LOW-frequency correspondences.
Assimilate LIVING ENERGY into field in spaces left by voided images.
Ill-will (refusing to let go or take in) RIGIDIFIES magnetic, so that the magnetic refuses to do more than it WANTS to do.
Share Joy of Essence with Being of Light. I didn't get much out of THAT part!
You do the TECHNIQUE and CI does the WORK. I feared WHAT I'd report!
Process: rise up human/perc/emot/ment/soul. Bring Soul light down. (same as 197)
At the end, added: Field identities unload Perceptual Body.
Noted on p. 197 I DIDN'T report wanting to kick Kate; tonight BARBARA DID report that, also wanting to kick AMY, and when Kate said she felt she was amplifying Chrystal, Chrystal reported that she'd been told she didn't NEED amplifying.
LIFTING, then OPENING, will assimilate HIGHER frequencies than what was RELEASED!
My report was that I started OUT at zero, then oscillated WIDELY, saying "I don't KNOW, so I have to LOOK AND SEE." She said it was great that I woke up. Cryptic note: End with Reverently "The Beginning." STAY with Perceptual a couple of days, then move to other levels, one per session.
ACTUALISM 206
12/4/81
IMMORTAL ACCEPTANCE VERSUS ME ACCEPTANCE
I'd had this idea a few days ago, lying in bed, but the impact of it has dwindled, and I'm not even sure the DIRECTION is right: I don't even accept what I do (or what Dennis does), so how could I be expected to accept the IMMORTAL, which is a lot more tenuous. I'm supposed to harmonize my magnetic and find it FULFILLED with the Radiant Dynamic, as I'm supposed to harmonize my dynamic with the Radiant Magnetic and feel it accepted and loved and cared for. If, as I sometimes think of it, Actualism has us CREATING (earthing may be the same thing---BRINGING DOWN into earth elements that which exists as---a pattern? a possibility? a potential?) these components of us, I'm not doing it very actively because I'm FIGHTING it so much. But then I fight showing the EMOTIONS, as expressed with Dennis on the phone this morning (NOTEBOOK 453)---so if I can't express (earthe?) parts of myself that I ACCEPT as myself, how can I express (earthe!) parts of myself that I DON'T accept as myself? In a way it's challenging me to accept the DANCE-FUN part of life, rather than the grim serious "there'll be a test" part that Dennis is so facile in pointing out to me. This feels like straining. Better do a session!
ACTUALISM 207
12/11/81
LEG-AND-ARM-PULL GROUP T&R OF 12/5
Gil Messenger talks to us WITHOUT having gathered, from 7:05-7:45:
"Have to get past WORTHLESS image of NOT being able to channel light.
After six months you're technically not allowed to practice the body session.
Teacher has to MIRROR the unknown parts of YOU that you say are WORTHLESS.
You MUST deal with your (and their) "touch-me-nots."
Come to love simplicity of animal (body) nature---it's EASY to make it feel GOOD, LESS serious, and it wants to PLAY almost anytime."
Gathering: reach up to BRAIN. Then into the demonstration: Elbows CAN be bent, and CAN move foot ANGLE for comfort for BOTH people.
Need NOT "straight elbow" opening of soles.
Strip toes.
SHARP punch to leg and let LEG bounce back on its own to study its bounds.
To compress: FIX arms (NOT straight elbowed) and bend from WAIST to compress.
Pull, lean BACK with body (start when Human comes to HIP).
NOT OVER 45 minutes spent on the session.
You can learn a great deal from your human. Harmonize with ITS pacing.
Ask, then move human hands, then add tension, then "pull from hip."
PULLING muscles are on the SURFACE; HOLDING muscles are deeper IN.
Pull with CENTER of body, both arms equal-tensed, EVEN AT ANKLE!
Brush, THEN check leg. Palm DOWN on opening foot. Feet wide and OUT at pull.
PREFERRED on hand: palm of body DOWN, fingertips THROUGH hand, squeeze, roll out with fingers from below, heel of palm pressing down from above. SECOND best, fan up palm with THUMBS, hand held perpendicular to table.
Lean from WAIST, not SHOULDERS, and pull BOTH arms equally.
Pull DOWN, brush, then around and up, pivoting from ANKLES, and brush at TOP, too.
Direct to turn head away WHEN compressing arm, left hand UNDER elbow and SLIDE to wrist.
THREE brushdowns UNDER are ONLY is what he does (while MESSING UP verbal LOTS & FUNNY!)
ALSO brush after "do all three joints," unlike in chart.
Thumb pull while human goes from FOOT to HEAD to pull human into alignment.
Finish with 3 brushes from EAR and WILL center, really SPREAD hands.
HE doesn't specify LEFT or RIGHT at ANY time! "HOLD!" signal: you've pulled enough.
He switches ARMS on finger pulls, like on opening feet.
Spine and neck held in MIDDLE OF PALM, NOT moving it between the pointed fingers. Session goes to 8:55 and we assimilate to 9 pm, much faster than OV with Anne.
He'll keep lots of spaces open for T&R, which must be done in 60 days of this session!
I leave request for CANCELLATION before December 15 and after January 20, so THERE!
ACTUALISM 208
12/15/81
3-31: CAROL ANN ON CITY OF LIGHT CONSCIOUSNESS
1) How to MANAGE low frequency: send it AWAY and blaze up; MOVE it.
2) Gather egos for City of Light Consciousness. CLAIM lighted living spaces. If egos get CLOBBERED, BRING them into lighted place and regroup their energies. Networks ONLY send light. Networks are horizontal earthing of VERTICAL. LOW-frequency "goes out" to empower Mass Mind. If half-hour passes and you don't lift, you haven't UNPLUGGED from images and mass mind connections.
There are two group (family) projects: (1) Earthe CM and HW toward Peace. To do it: HOLD HW steady for 3 days with no ill-will! (2) Earthe C of L Consciousness in Earthpoint. Get Formula, then earthe in energy systems: behavior.
A. Gather K/S/E awareness from ALL levels of ALL egos. You'll suffer until YOU GIVE IT UP and prepare to serve. Who ARE you? Believe it or NOT, it's your choice: You are incarnating principle in body. You've used SAME earth elements in ALL sizes and shapes and colors over LONG past. Earth elements have imprints. These are DOMINATED by Body Brain-Mind. IE has ALL the memory and talents---combined with soul. IE is liaison between Soul and Body. Egos seek to find God. Egos want to be BETTER THAN. Egos want to be LOVED and RECOGNIZED. ACTUAL need to be loved from SELF, not from others. The Immortal does it, and IE must LEARN to do it. Egos have Mag and Dyn. Egos earthe the state of consciousness they're merged with. Learn to SPOT dark lines into the egos from mass mind.
B. Light Pink Sun (you can use any energy), put awareness ONTO rim in center. Sun expands from matrix to Subatomic in DEPTH. Expand sun to 200'; PUSH OUT IMAGES. IE has ARCHETYPAL form of PHYSICAL body.
C. Move to Matrix Seat and Ego in Forebrain and COMPARE M&D to IE's M&D. Egos should be 50% vertical and 50% horizontal, all divided body/field/levels.
D. Bring Vertical SKEWER into any images the Matrix M&D are CONNECTED to. Then bring ego to upper room and HUG it; send defused image to field fires.
E. 1) Matrix, 2) Body, 3) Organ, 4) Cell, 5) Molecule, 6) Atomic, 7) Subatomic. She says "egos" as "eagers," and I love it! Disconnect egos from images you've been TRAINED to ACCEPT as YOURSELF.
F. Harmonize M&D on each level AS IE M&D is harmonized. Remember IE is NOT Being of Light/Presence/Immortal. Being of Light is in EACH ego individually and the ego must WAKE to that. Molecular level is deep feeling, subliminal feelings and motivations. Please love and hug ALL egos in C2.
G. Open C2 to HUMAN dimension, and ADD Human egos, then through P/E/M/S, and soul touches EACH ego, M&D. To Angelic/Higher Mind, and all Wisdom is IN that level. To Archetypal and go to C of L Consciousness, and ASK to receive qualities and states and ENERGY to bring it back DOWN to time-space.
H. Down A/S (and Logos and Hierarchy) / M (and Personal Planetary and Atomic Explosions) / E / (networks from M to CB) / P / H / CB. Then Egos BACK to units & assimilate. Bring Presence UNDER image and it CAN'T sink into sub-awareness, and let field identities spear it and take it to burning ground (200-300') to cook up in 2 hours. Draw in ESSENCE from 200-300', not junk. Reports: UNearthe images, like Antaeus. Unearthing ALSO as DIGGING UP. GOOD sense of PINK rim and burning ground. NOT "see" optically; NOT experience ONLY brain-mind! Leave egos that AREN'T ready; they'll be next time. If ALL space has Being of Light, even "separated" units have Light BETWEEN pieces, thus UNIFIED. This can be done quickly before ANY session. Egos can't be burnt, so IMAGES can't be burnt if egos still connected. Image is NOT the ego. Plug "freed" M&D into TOOL M&D. When you REALLY merge with your FLESH, you merge WITH Being of Light!
ACTUALISM 209
2/5/82
3-32: HEALING INTELLIGENCE OF 1/22
Mara looks good after having spent 6 weeks in Mexico, and Chrystal looks good despite the fact that she'll be very sick in a few days. Mara talks of doing handwork on injured bodies in Mexico with much more assurance and I talk about my mother's tix doloreux, and Chrystal smiles and says this session will be right up our alley: Healing Intelligence, with Centers 7, 8, and 10, with 8 subcenters: two at the breasts, centered at the breast bones of the ribs, so they're rather "out" for men and "in" for women, saying that the PHYSICAL breasts are dynamic for woman and MAGNETIC (comforting, sympathetic, holding for men, and I instantly think of, and report on later, the climax of Balanchine's "Prodigal Son" where the son lays his head on his father's breast, reaches up to hug him, then lifts his legs into a fetal position to be entirely comforted while the father draws his clock of protection about him---very moving) for men; one each on the front and, slightly higher, as usual, on the back for each of centers 7 and 8, and one in the center of the splenic plexus and the liver plexus, both of THESE joined to 10 as well as to the ones on the breast, making what I describe to be a sort of harness, which Chrystal nods for, but doesn't seem enthusiastic about. She lights all the centers and sub-centers very thoroughly, and I really nod to sleep (still working on Italian time) during some of the levels, "waking" at one point to say "Are they connected to Center 10?" and she says "They ARE, but you'd better take a moment to tune into them and make sure you earthe the experience of the connections." Stay awake for most of the rest of the session, and I say I'll have to work with it to make sure I don't deny it, and we're both looking forward to class in just three days, but then we get a call that it's cancelled, so we have more time between THESE two, and then only a week before the NEXT new energy, which I suggest will probably have something to do with Centers 9, 0, and 11, for which she just smiles, and Mara says she's always been waiting for the TURQUOISE blue energy, so I don't bother to mention the SAPPHIRE that I'd been thinking of, but remind us all of Michael's premature demand for the Atomic Level, which was somewhat later. Chrystal gets this all the time, sometimes even in BASIC, students knowing BEFOREHAND what's coming.
ACTUALISM 210
2/5/82
II #4 OF 1/29
Chrystal says this is the first of the PRIMITIVE series, the first three being in the INFANTILE series. I say that I've been dealing with Higher Will a lot recently, stemming from her statement that Higher Will will be earthed after three days of NO ill will, and I've been practicing on subways to LOVE AND UNDERSTAND people who litter, smoke, and make a mess of life, but it's very difficult for me. She smiles and THIS session keeps repeating how the magnetic/ dynamic hates the dynamic/ magnetic for trying to drive out ill will with good will, saying they'll just throw THEM out, and when I report what I'm feeling I come up with the analogy of ice along a riverbank melting---then I expand it by saying in the past I thought I had to say YES very strongly (thereby freezing myself on ONE bank of the river) or NO very strongly (freezing myself as part of the OTHER bank of the river)---I could CHANGE from one side to the other, but I didn't like the "I don't know" of the middle. But NOW I could sense thawing, and maybe it might be a good idea to STAY more fluid, more in the river in the MIDDLE, rather than being frozen in one side of the other. Some of the statements had good warm feelings for me, but one time I reported resistance she said it was still a hangover from the Infantile series: I wanted something that I just couldn't have! The final statement here was: All good will identities say "It is the power of our many truths that sets us free to enjoy the abundant goodness of life in and with our beloved Body, Field, and Matrix forms and functions." I felt good about the statement, doing it once with IE only, then twice for matrix, body, organ, cell, molecular, atomic, and subatomic, then harmonizing with IE and copilot in 9 for field and physical, then ONCE for human, perceptual, emotional, mental, then nonverbally for soul, then once for personal and planetary, then mental/emotional/perceptual/human/physical, and then turn the work over to IE and assimilate. I thought AGAIN this might be a good one to repeat during the week, but I feel good if I get around to the SESSION itself, let alone an EXTRA session---though I've wanted to make a LIST of "extra sessions" just to see what I COULD do in a second session each day.
ACTUALISM 211
2/5/82
NSH GROUP T&R WITH GIL ON 1/30
At first I didn't want to go, since it would be my third time there this week (would have been FOURTH if the class on Monday hadn't been cancelled). Then I decided to go, particularly when Dana called and asked if I'd substitute coordinating for her that evening; so I signed up, about the last on the list, noting that Arthur would be about the only other male there. Then about 4:30 I got a call from Gil asking me to be the body, saying that I wouldn't be charged for the session. I thought of how much Roger Bester said he got from the OV group and Michael Blackburn said he got from the L&A T&R group, so I said yes, showering and taking a carbon pellet to avoid gas, taking along a robe and even slippers, as recommended. He started the session by calling me into the room in private and saying I was now officially inactive in OV and L&A, since it's been over 6 months since the last T&Rs! Great combination! I noted down on the list "Let L&A go," but I since decided to at least GET the T&R and find if anyone ASKS for the L&A session from a FRESH point of view, rather than the OLD one, tied in with Ken Miller and HIS body. Anyway, then I'd be active again for 6 months to give anyone a CHANCE to use me. He kept talking about the "touch-me-nots" that handling bodies had to get rid of, going over the last T&Rs of the people there, and generally MESSING UP the session, while Elaine Claudio read from the sheet and said all the things he DIDN'T do correctly, everyone making the joke that this was HIS T&R. He was very gentle on my body, so that I didn't have to squirm, and he even laid his hand affectionately on my ass as he told everyone NOT to have sex with their L&A partner. At the end I told him it was a great session, because I'd been carrying around all of Italy on my shoulders, and he said he loved Europe since he'd lived there in 1963 in a town in Switzerland near Lausanne. He did a quick equalization on the right side of my body, but the left felt it was done VERY nicely, and the knot in the back of my shoulders hasn't been bothering me nearly as much. But here it's over two weeks since I've been back and it's still the ONLY body session I've had. All the women seemed to like me, and I got a GREAT kick out of Gil calling me a Mesomorph---now it's official!
ACTUALISM 212
2/5/82
3-33: 4-8-6 WITH HEALING INTELLIGENCE OF 2/1
Meg doesn't know whether Kate's dropped out completely or just gone into the healing group, and as I find we're 13, I think for a LONG time before recalling it's Kathy Benson who isn't there, and she's had a T&R the same evening but is moving to CALIFORNIA in March, so she seems out already---will find if she's in class NEXT Monday. Chrystal starts talking about her 103Ε fever that everyone in the center finally worked on to get rid of, saying we now have nine months left in this phase before going into the six-month second phase that concentrates on either teaching or field work. So she makes some appointments for private sessions in March, mine on the 20th. She DOES say that the pattern of classes will remain as originally planned, so my "Nerone" is safe on April 12 and I can plan my Florida car trip, which turns out to look like March 23 to April 5, since the next weeks HAVE two operas. Everyone says things about embarrassment, and at the end of the class I hand her my notes on Magnetic/ Dynamic, unwittingly saying I'm embarrassed about it, and she said it was REALLY UP. Mom also came in very strongly, and I felt that I really had to WORK with this if I was going to get anything out of it---I could feel myself reaching out for her jaw and trying to do a PHYSICAL manipulation, and that evening I get Dr. Gelb's name for Mom's doctor Morason in Toledo as of Friday. Stay pretty much awake in the group, not getting lots of perception, but not being hit by the big denyers and agitators. In my report I say it's so easy for me to say that anything that comes from KNOWING intelligence or CREATIVE intelligence is easy to "dismiss" from the sphere of Actualism as coming from ME, but any HEALING would HAVE to come from Actualism, so I was looking forward to dealing with the energies in a much more open way. People seemed to feel pretty well in class, Michael looking great as he laid his hands on my shoulders in his short-sleeved pullover, Dorothy looking refined in her chair with her upright posture. No one had problems with the session, and Chrystal really bowled Margaret over by saying her texture was of VELVET, and Margaret just BEAMED with appreciation, saying "It had BETTER work." Short session, too; I phoned Dennis at 9:30 but we agreed not to have dinner.
ACTUALISM 213
2/5/82
DEPRESSED DURING SESSION
I start at 8:35, but at 9 find that I'm trying to figure how to get more money more quickly, and when that distraction continues until 9:30, and I wonder what GOOD I'm getting out of all this, I figure that it's at least letting me know how MOST PEOPLE feel a lot of the time: completely concentrated on what money they need and possible ways of getting it, and the time frame for that activity. So it appears to have SOME goodness-value connected with it, and when I actually FORCE myself into the session, it works, and I feel better, so it has the AUXILIARY benefit of PROVING to me that it CAN work if I really put my mind to it. But being IN the depression is really awful: sitting and thinking the same things over and over, looking for ways out but ending up more with the FANTASY of working things out rather than doing any of the ACTUAL WORK. Also fragments of all the things I have to DO keep floating in, and I actually get up and DO a few of the things that are really nagging at me, even though THERE I have to prove to myself that most of what's nagging me NOW are things that were NOT nagging me BEFORE, so that as soon as some of the high-priority things are taken care of, OTHER things suddenly become high priority by virtue of being THE most important items of the many THERE, so that they become high priority by DEFAULT, rather than being intrinsically important. But I still resist making out a do-list, which doesn't really help things I still believe, though I DO make NOTES to myself that get stuck in a sort of a do-pile on my desk; that may be a copout, but I think it's an improvement in methodology. But it's funny how reluctant I'm finding myself to keeping up with ANY typing---like the Actualism pages that have now piled up quite a bit to be done, and of ALL pages, THOSE are the ones whose memories fade the fastest because the mind-memory is the most tenuous, most of the "action" (if you believe it) taking place OUTSIDE brain-mind. Have I made the point of the page: the depression was AWFUL, for awhile I felt TOTALLY ENMIRED in it, and then I drew a conclusion and took control of it and pulled myself out of it, so that END effect of the page is TRIUMPH, not depression!
ACTUALISM 214
2/6/82
MEN'S SEMINAR WITH SUBTLE WARRIOR OF 2/5
Everyone wonders why Niel Sendar, Bob Hoebermann, and Bill Parham don't show up, knows why Bruce Lieber didn't show up, but LIKES the group of me, Ken Miller, George Hudacko, George Pierson, Arthur Ellenbogen, Michael Blackburn, Dick Holt, and Gene Adams, with Gil and Bruce Jaffe bringing the total to ten. Bruce starts by asking "What do you fear?" Into the TOTAL silence I drop, "Not being able to answer questions asked." That later develops into "Not being what someone else would want me to be, leading to their rejecting me," and later to "Not being capable, like not being able to live forever." Then we got into vulnerabilities, and everyone saw me as very STRONG, but I asked Arthur if he ever thought of me as "poor me," and he said, "No, but sometimes I'd just want to hug you," and I said that THAT VERY AFTERNOON I'd discussed with Dennis the idea that we don't say, "I want to be with you, or I'm lonely, or I'm sad, or I need someone." So a vulnerability is NOT WANTING TO APPEAR VULNERABLE. Bruce talks of the Impeccable Warrior as KNOWING his vulnerabilities so well that they're totally protected. So the theme of the session was digging up a realization of one's vulnerabilities and fears to deal with. Great pre-session sharing. But the session was with Subtle Warrior: I went along, sensed NOTHING (and Gil, who led, was VERY big on "experience and sense and FEEL"), and reported very clippedly that I liked the pre-session, had thought during the day that "self-conscious" for me was not that AT ALL: that there was no SELF that I was conscious of when others looked at me, but only my FAÇADE, and I somehow equated that with having nothing to report about the session, saying only "We'll see." All the others reported, many VERY sketchily or phonily and then Bruce asked if I had anything to add. I said, "I reported first because THAT was from the experience of the session, anything after would be ADDED ON, and I really MEANT it when I said we'll see." I later tried to turn that into "WE WILL SEE," with Ken, but he didn't buy it any more than Bruce did. Asked for another conference about semen-retention with Bruce, and he MAY have said, "We'll see," but I didn't take him up on it. Lots of discussion of COCK-roaches beforehand, too, brought up by Gil, and the PUN was remarked by Bruce, of course.
ACTUALISM 215
2/11/82
3-34: PERCEPTUAL FIELD IDENTITIES WITH HI OF 2/8
We waited for a late Tommasina, and Chrystal got right into gathering and then moving up through soul (and angelic and archetypal) and then back down to Perceptual with Healing Intelligence lit, bringing down with Soul light the format of the field identities perfect from Soul level. LOOK at the Perceptual Body, she commanded, which is of different gender, and I saw an enormous-bosomed woman of strength and character, whom I later named Barbarella, both from size and from primitiveness of sensations. In the front dynamic I got BLOCKED images, in the rear dynamic, which Chrystal described as being the "undertalk" in the brain all the time, I dubbed the BASTARD, since it was always talking down others, saying they couldn't really be experiencing what they were saying in class, judging and complaining. In the rear magnetic I thought of "reduced" and sought a "b" and got "beaten," and in the front magnetic it was clear it was "bound." I felt them blossom out as the Healing Energy "fluffed them," and tears ran down my face as I opened to the magnetic AND dynamic person that I could be, that I felt I may be at that session. Reports were fun, since I knew what I wanted to say and had something positive to report, but was surprised to hear that many had troubles with sleepiness and mind wandering, but I on the contrary thought everything was perfectly clear. Barbara and others said she thought Chrystal was directing the commentary right at HER, and I felt that she was nicely tuned into the group, another gem of speaking on her part which was very elevating. The session was rather short, Michael came to another spurt of good self-image, and Mara invited me to a slide party at her place on Friday. Felt good toward the group, even Tommasina who moved through in bright red dynamism. Felt that without doubt I WAS benefiting from the sessions, there WAS a reason for continuing, there WAS progress to be made and good feelings to be gotten from each $20 session, even if a few of them were terribly negative when I was closed down to opening up even to my IMAGINATION which might grow and flourish in this atmosphere of invention, improvement, growth and development. But the good feelings faded by today. Notes taken from Chrystal: "Take in the earth essence that is the RESULT of having come into form to get the EXPERIENCE you've had. Carry the mirror of "the truth of inner beauty."
ACTUALISM 216
2/11/82
COORDINATING: BRUCE SAYS I'M PORNOGRAPHIC! 2/9
I'm busily checking sheets and talking to people and answering phones when Bruce, just before a session of his, asks to talk with me for a minute. He comes right out with "You could be a good coordinator, but I tuned in on something and got the go-ahead to discuss it with you. Do you find anything blocked, probably in the back of the field on the Perceptual?" I sat and looked around after quickly going up to Perceptual, and reported what I felt: "It's like I'm standing in a light coming from the front and there's a shadow in the back, but I can't get an idea of what it's about." "It's filled with gay pornographic images of movies and orgies and bars," Bruce said straight-faced. It was all I could do to prevent myself shouting, "YOU'RE the one with those images, not me." I said I wasn't aware of them. "They're probably below awareness, but they prevent you from operating at peak efficiency. What do you do when you coordinate?" "I'd attuned to Perfection on my way here; I do whatever needs to be done, and then I tune in on the session." "That's a problem, you're not supposed to be tuning into the content---" "I mean I tune into the ENERGY of the session, not the content." "Can you do anything about it?" "I'll try to clean it up, and we'll have a chance to compare it with next week, when I coordinate again." We hugged and he went into his next session. I pretty much repressed any anger I felt with him about it, but later felt that it was pretty nervy of him to report on something that could just as well have been a projection on HIS part. Oh, forgot that I said "Frankly, if my sexuality is a problem---to put it the worst possible way, it's Actualism that's MADE it a problem." He didn't respond to THAT, but I mentioned that I was having a conference with Chrystal next month, had wanted to talk to him about it, and AGAIN felt that MY modes of acting sexually were OK, but THEY were being straitlaced and repressive and self-serving without even bothering to find out how I (as opposed to mass-mind) handled my sex life, rather than their PICTURES of how I handled my sex life. ALSO, on the way out, realized that 72nd Street was VERY sexual for me, and I USUALLY letched after gay men AS I WAS COMING to sessions, preferring the sexier south side of the street for walking than the somehow more tranquil north side---field factors?
ACTUALISM 217
3/5/82
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #5 OF 3/1
She says "Hm, second primitive," and I ask "What's after the primitive?" and she says she doesn't know, but Russell's working on something great. I thought the primitive was 3, she says it's a series of "four, and the last three are repeated," so it's 7 following on the original series of 3. At the end, after she gives me the dates for the vacation, she says she's not telling whether she's coming back after the vacation or not, saying that the healing class (that she was pleased with the previous night, as Arthur was, too) tried to get it out of her both directly and indirectly. The final statement of this session was "All enlightened identities say, 'Let the power of our many truths free all identities, for it is the power of truth that sets us free to enjoy the abundant goodness of living harmoniously in and with our beloved body, field, and matrix forms and function'." This is done once from upper room, twice with upper room and matrix seat, twice for the following: upper room, matrix seat and body seat; then organ, cell, molecular, atomic, subatomic; then upper room and matrix seat to center 9 and through body; then with field identities; then physical, and then starting only once through human, perceptual, emotional, mental, then soul nonverbally, then soul-infusion DOWN through mental, emotional, perceptual, human, physiological, personal and planetary, once. When I went through the "negative" statements (which she said she really felt were LOADED with crap), I reported and FELT myself being weighted down, negative, coiled in on myself, and I finally said "Is THAT what low frequency is---now did I not HAVE it before or just not EXPERIENCE it before?" and she smiled and didn't answer. Then lots of it cleared away---but there were no great revelations, no great tears, and again the idea of physical beauty came up, but I didn't feel like bringing it up THEN, maybe in the gay men's seminar the following Friday. I told her about some of the magnetic-dynamic breakthroughs in business and personal living since the lesson a month ago, and said things felt very good. Through the session from 1:15 to 3:45 without a break, which was sort of antsy-making: I said I was HUNGRY and wanted to get ON with living, and she charged $82.50 and thought it was a good session.
ACTUALISM 218
3/6/82
GAY MEN'S SEMINAR #2 OF 3/5
Same five students, Wayne Dennis very quiet in brown corduroy pants; Philip Vitelli (28) dynamic and "totally gay" in lifestyle and reporting, jeaned; George Hudachko (he likes it with the "ch" of "chair" in there) looking younger (32) and better talking of his NOT wanting an encompassing relationship (where the other does, his friend of 5 years) and wanting to be ALONE for long periods of time; Arthur (38, "probably second oldest" as he says---I refuse to say age, annoyed with Gil for asking, tempted to say "only if we ALL tell our ages") saying he was IN a relationship from 28-33; me bringing up my problem of the "inaccessibility of beauty" and "what attracted at first REPELS at end." They announce the groups will be SEPARATED now into gay and straight, so I don't go to straight anymore! Session starts with LOTS of talk, 7:10 to 9:15, they'd come up with list of problems, including "loneliness if no INTIMATE relationship" and I want to make the distinction of "SEXUAL loneliness" and not particularly PERSON loneliness, but don't yet. Arthur was told not to CROTCH WATCH, but harmonize with the guy's IMMORTAL and get a picture of the WHOLE person. Good conclusion that obsessive behavior (dancing your tits off in discos) might be a reaction to the HATRED by society. I start open, then feel VERY closed when Gil, in his palaver, talks about loving and experiencing the organs, which I DID MORE before they shut me off cruising; and being open and free, which they STOPPED ME BEING. I get VERY angry and frustrated, resolving to DO what I want to do in MY way, confident it wouldn't mess THEM up, since I DO relate to the whole person (when I DO relate) WITH love and affection, and NOT just from the crotch. Report of "a new independence" and Gil says we can WRITE our report findings since EVERYONE was very mute during reports. I debate writing: if they know only FORM, they're likely to FORBID it; but I know how I do it, and I respect my "wholeness" in it. Try writing. Then I'm so turned off I come home and "pig out" (see NOTEBOOK 465), feeling somewhat the worse for it the next morning, but at least I can report on the somewhat related dream (see DREAMS 155) and get THESE two pages done before breakfast at 10:50.
ACTUALISM 219
3/6/82
OV T&R WITH ANN
I forget my vibrator, but Ann says I can use hers, no problem. Whew! Susan's on the table with a cold, and Ann keeps saying to reach down into her lungs with my human hands to clear things out. Though I only do one-half of her neck and spine, and one leg and the other foot, Susan says she feels just great from it (using it as a blackmail device to get me to "hang out" with her, which involves going to the corner goodie-stand and having something to eat after I ask Chrystal about Dennis's body sessions---he can have two and then I should mention something about the "rules"---and she asks her about her problems, so that we only have 25 minutes to "hang out") which makes me feel good. The pattern is great, says Anne, but I have to work more on the EMOTIONAL level, using more Cosmic Mother (which is what Bruce and Susan usually report they FEEL from me) to get more FEELING into the session. She keeps telling me "advanced" techniques, but says that it'll be years before she stops correcting my pattern. It goes quite quickly, and her machine "brrs" much more easily than mine so I don't have to use much pressure at all, so I don't get tired. She takes over the machine a few times and demands my head or arm of shoulder on the table (or standing up, though she's discouraged when she says "Relax your neck," and it probably IS relaxed by my standards), so it's quite an active and varied session. I forget lots of things from the group T&R, but she doesn't seem to mind reminding me about them. Talk to Chrystal afterward and she said I should talk to Anne about getting my apartment checked out, though I might have an "attitude problem" by not having my T&R's often enough. When I try to make excuses, she silences me by saying if I really WANTED to get the T&Rs, I would have, which is undoubtedly true. She ALSO recommends the L&A combo as being one of the best, so AGAIN it looks like none of them will be discarded. I mention Pat Mandino's letter and she laughs, having not heard of it. Anne's permissiveness lends quite a contrast to Gil's hardnosedness with George on my body, and it'll be interesting to contrast the two of them with George on the table with Gil next weekend.
ACTUALISM 220
3/26/82
3-35: MOTION INTELLIGENCE: 7 CENTERS, 25 SUBCENTERS of 3/8
We're told (I'd been told before) that the summer break is 6/20-6/28, and we'll meet 6/14 and then 7/12 and 7/26. Chrystal announces 4/7 Easter/Passover, free. Then into the new Intelligence: Motivation---unifying Desire and Will; for lighted action; generative; for behavior-power stances. Joyous power of change/renewal/rebirth. MOTION INTELLIGENCE (MI), with 2 centers: 10 and 11 (with the now-blocked power to generate directly into form), 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16, and 24 subcenters: from 10 and 11 out to the sides for 4: the pubic bone, the coccyx (which coordinates parts to the whole), and one on each hip. 4 from 12, front and back, and each thigh (the Power to move); 4 from 13, front and back, and each knee (the WILL to move); 4 from 14 (the DESIRE to move), front and back and each calf; 4 from 15 (standing on earth, earthing understanding), front and back and each foot; and 4 from 16 (INTO earth elements) front and back and 6" below each foot. EARTHE UNDERSTANDING AND PENETRATE IT INTO EARTH. Hips direct vector of motion. The session isn't very emotional, but I write down lots of notes with word plays:
Hallucinations
Illusions
Delusions
and Denials and Degeneracy and Deadening
Dishonesty
Enticements
Negativities and Nonaction and Nonresponse [Note the hidden HIDDEN anagram]
Reclaiming the power of desire, aligning with will, and bringing into alignment with lighted beingness---frees from unfulfilling image government. My report is very skimpy: I say that my BRAIN-MIND is very much in motion, and that my LIFE is very fast---how today I worked on an index, did Arthur at 10 am, then got groceries and ran errands, then to Auerbach at 2:30, to the Thalia for "National Health" and "No Sex, Please, We're British," and then to Actualism. Felt very self-important and meaningful, though I couldn't get away from the "this is all too fast" that makes me think I'm always trying to do TOO MUCH and should slow down and ENJOY things more.
ACTUALISM 221
3/26/82
PRIVATE CONFERENCE WITH CHRYSTAL OF 3/20
This was in her apartment, and when I said I couldn't even take the SUMMER vacation away, she traced forward and said we had 16 lessons left in first-phase third, through October 4 then an EPC of 6 through November and December (and January, too), then Initiation into "advanced Third" in January, and then in Second Phase third we have 4 of 9 classes together and rest of 5 in separate staff/field classes, still every two weeks, and then in third phase back to ORIGINAL group, so it doesn't look like we get to every month for a LONG time. I say I'll be ready for Field, and she agrees, and I ask "How am I doing?" and she says something, and then I get into the sex part, saying that I had to admit her REFUSAL to let me go to baths make them ATTRACTIVE and then when I gave myself PERMISSION to go, I didn't actually go. She seemed to love that, taking everything I said as great progress, and when I said I really wanted to EARTHE a relationship, she said she'd schedule me a special session, and DID on April 6, saying she'd done it about 10 times before in her career, and had good luck MOST of the time, but some of them STILL hadn't found anything. Didn't I have the CONFIDENCE there was someone out there for me? I felt teary and "coming into it" as I usually do when the topic turns to that, MELTING inside at the thought of someone to REALLY LOVE as they loved me, but knowing that I'd want a LOT: intellect, good looks, humor, wisdom, "enlightenment," money, travel, AND good in bed. Yes, I'm sure he's OUT there, and it would be great to FIND him, but HOW do I do it? She also seemed amused when I said that my "tradition" of "I don't perceive" even had to relegate SOME perceptions to "emotions," since I could admit I "sensed" them, and maybe I WAS actually perceiving---she asked with surprise if I couldn't tell if they were gay, and I deflected it by saying I couldn't tell if they wanted to go to bed with me. So at least I have the next conference scheduled, and I don't even have enough TIME to get into trouble with all the work I have to do and getting ready for the trip to Atlanta! A good hour and a half, and they both said they enjoyed the Coles at the Museum of New York City.
ACTUALISM 222
3/26/82
3-36: 4-8-6 WITH ME AND I DROP WATER TANK ON 3/22
Everyone's VERY activated, I go to put water tank on, spill it OVER lip, draw it back and PINCH hand between tank and top and DROP 5 gallons to carpet where it BREAKS and spews water and glass all over. I'm bleeding from pinch, Tomassina takes me to bathroom and cuts blood blister and bandages it, and Chrystal changes her shoes and then unifies class with Richard cleaning up water from rug. I apologize to Bruce's class, Mary Vilaboa's coordinating, and Chrystal's actions. THEN she reads message (after saying that Bernice HAD to communicate SF information to Chrystal gotten from her IE) that the SF center is going to be closed after June 13, probably a major earthquake in San Francisco in 1982! California group loose and flaky---like the people, and everyone laughs: as above, so below! RO and CSO go to Dallas in June and Jon Terrell and Lois Myerson HERE for Autonomics. Jon teaches the first wave of Prep to 4th in Dallas already, and is on the board. Jan goes to Dallas from SF. Tapes ALWAYS seem to start at subatomic and work UP! Intelligence brings together Power, Will, and Desire of ATTRIBUTES of Immortal to take ACTION with will and desire married. It's not a tool, it's an experience of more of YOU. Part of Divine or ROYAL heritage. ACTION will have knowing, sensing, and feeling ENLIGHTENED. Act to remove LIMITING concepts. Reaching into relationships TOO QUICKLY is foolhardy. Russell gets "angry" at the end of the tape, saying it's not a tool but PART of us, and he's VERY inspiring. Tape's over at 10 so Chrystal says only 5 should report, and I said everyone heard my REPORT earlier! Long-winded ones talk about nothing, and we're out at 10:35, home at 11:15, and I tell everyone (Dennis, Pope, Margaret Willard) about San Francisco the next day, and have trouble falling asleep that night. But it seems to be a TEST of what they ARE in touch with: if it happens BEFORE June 13 or DOESN'T happen before 1983, something's not as "clear" as it could be. They're really "sticking their necks out," but I suppose I would do the same if I GOT anything that clearly. Will be interested in hearing Amy's reaction to it when she visits after my return from Atlanta.
ACTUALISM 223
4/7/82
#3-37: MI THROUGH HUMAN WITH FIELD IDENTITIES OF 4/5
Only Tomassina makes a comment about my having dropped the water bottle. Chrystal returns my Virgin Island folders and says they're going to the Bahamas the first week in May, so she cancels the May 3rd class and says we'll meet April 19 AND 26th, so I jot a note asking if I want to leave April 27? She announces we'll be in the HUMAN this time, which is IN time-space, but at a higher FREQUENCY it's invisible and moves FASTER and has more FREEDOM. Human is often the BOTTLENECK between the higher and the unobstructed and PHYSICAL time-space. As we light MI, I note that center 12 is the POWER to move, which I jot in last session's notes. She says not to look at REASONS for blocks to motivation, just get SIZE AND SHAPE of block to estimate energy to BLAST it away. Purpose of field EGOS is to keep QUADRANT at proper vibratory rate to ACT, telling IE what it NEEDS. We go in the order Front Dynamic, Front Magnetic, Rear Dynamic, and Rear Magnetic, each time harmonizing what's done with what's been done before. What comes IN is determined by vibratory rate of magnetic; harmonize with IE to RAISE that and get better IN. Chrystal later said that she noticed we were INTENSIFYING magnetic, but only getting in MORE OF WHAT WE DIDN'T WANT; low frequency. So we have to LIGHTEN magnetic to get in LIGHTER INPUT. ANY direction you move UNDER Image Government STAYS under Image Government. LIFT magnetic and dynamic and harmonize them and then move in LIGHT. Thinking "they" with resentment indicates dynamic power LEAK to "Them." If you "are" (dynamic) low, you "get" (magnetic) low; if you ARE high, you RECEIVE high. How many ergs (ughs, as I say later) of low frequency processed? That's how much HIGH you must then ASSIMILATE. I remarked in short (first) report that I keep FORGETTING that we activate before class: I'd come in thinking the world was CRAP, but that was only preactivation. Also said that I though lots (working in Human, raising magnetic frequency to get better stuff in) was a "preview" of what we'd work on tomorrow, and she agreed. I nodded once; Michael said he almost fell out of his chair; Barbara surprised me by saying she took as "models" for her femininity the FEMALE bodies of Bill Parham and Michael and me. Then at the end of the class, Chrystal said something about how she'd moved back to "Quest for Fire" times and seen what it was like for the FIRST HOMO SAPIENS: very miserable and not very comfort-oriented. Then she said the pre-Homo actually developed and REACHED OUT for the next step, which enabled the Incarnating Egos to descend and the God-Children to combine with them (saying that centaurs and other half-man, half-animal combinations were PREVIOUS experiments in such combinations), using their earth elements to work out HIGHER logistical problems and development. I then asked about the NEXT step, whether Russell or Carol Ann were reaching toward the NEXT evolutionary development, and SHE seemed vaguely miffed that I didn't include HER in that list, saying that SHE was interested in that, though she'd invested so much of her efforts on THIS planet that she wasn't about to move to ANOTHER planet for any development, as Mara asked her about. She said it would be more of a TRANSFIGURATION of this planet into the Eden it once was, and she wanted to revel in THOSE goodies when it WAS done. When we kept talking about "reaching for the next step" she said we'd be very interested in the next few lessons, because we seemed to be REACHING toward THAT at this point. I THEN NOTED DOWN THE SUMMARY OF INTELLIGENCES TAUGHT TO THIS POINT:
KNOWING: 3 CENTERS: 3(CF), 4(WIS), 5(ObjCre); 6 subcenters: ajna/ oldbrain/ 2ears/ mouth/ Rod of Power
CREATIVE: 3 ctrs: 5(ObjCre), 6(Will), 18; 15 sub: 2sh/ 2uparm/ 2elb/ 2fore/ 2palm/ ROP/ 2-18/ sternum/ D1
HEALING: 3 ctrs: 7(Red), 8(Orange), 10(Regen/RadWar); 8sub: 2breast/ 2-7/ 2-8/ 2plexi
MOTION: 7: 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16; 24: 2-10/2-11/4-12/4-13/4-14/15/4-16
Maybe a maximum of 4 more with lessons 38-40(STILL MI), 41-43(FI), 44-46, 47-49, to end of third (1).
I surmised the NEXT one might incorporate the "inner undone" of 2, 9, and 0; the second might incorporate the "outer undone" of 1 and 17;
[5/31/82: Personal FI: 4 ctrs: 2, 9, 0, 16; 8 sub: 4-2 & 4-16.]
[7/27/82: Planetary FI: 4 ctrs: 1, 9, 0, 17; 0 subs. 61 subcenters to here.]
and REALLY going out the third might introduce what I'd called "upper 0," and the fourth would amalgamate ALL of them into a GRAND "intelligent intelligence."
Liked TOUCHING many of the students based on Arnold's program about the senses, which REALLY affected me by seeing how VIOLENCE stems from LACK OF TOUCHING, so the "black problem" is REALLY insoluble! (See NOTEBOOK 466).
ACTUALISM 225
4/7/82
SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP SESSION WITH CHRYSTAL ON 4/6
Only REAL NOTES I take are these:
1) Fill out BACK of field and those subcenters.
2) Go to ARCHETYPAL to see ACTUAL design of the coming relationship.
3) Open to IE for enlightening---and last TELL CHRYSTAL IN DALLAS ABOUT PROGRESS. She's only done this about 15 times, and I'm only the second man (women are more likely to come to her for help) and the first GAY man. She starts by lighting an interesting triumvirate of energies: pink, ruby red, and scarlet, and then lighting all centers and subcenters and going up through the levels to Archetypal to SEE WHAT THE ACTUAL DESIGN IS. This involves, as she insists, the first contact with "the person," and she describes that on the unobstructed the "contact" can be made on the archetypal, the angelic (that's what makes some relationships so HEAVENLY), the soul, but then I have to work on succeeding levels so that the meeting takes place on the MENTAL (where for ONE girl she began to DREAM about him without seeing his FACE, until she MET him at a party and HE confessed that he'd been dreaming of HER!), then the EMOTIONAL, then on the PERCEPTUAL, then on the Human, from which it goes quickly (since Human is in time-space) to physical meeting. I can set my goals as high as I'd like (and not have to be conned into thinking I'll have to take the ugliest one around, as she fell into) (and she told me about HER working for someone---including intermediate someones BEFORE the final someone---and then getting Richard Otto to meet her father, also named Richard---saying the MOLECULES are responsible for this CHEMISTRY between people, and she wanted someone like her FATHER---who'd drawn a TV cartoon about LITTLE OTTO (a little car with headlights and bumpers that spelled out OTTO) and Richard said he was CALLED little Otto in Austin (or wherever he grew up) because that town HAD that cartoon!), though I can't fall into idealized, nor into worthless, and that I'd have to clear things out in MYSELF to MATCH what I think I'd like to have. I mentioned I'd often thought I'd like to MEET myself, and NOW feel closer to someone I'd like to meet than BEFORE. Also said I had to avoid ARROGANCE of Thirds by saying "Watch out, subway, I'm coming in tonight as DYNAMITE!" Also got the idea that JOHN and I really met primarily on the MENTAL, though the perceptual wasn't bad and he sort of DEVELOPED (as I did) the emotional IN the relationship; that DENNIS and I met primarily on the EMOTIONAL, where I had to learn a lot from him, but he never followed me into many areas of the MENTAL. When we got to SOUL, I thought that we never really GOT into soul, though I thought of the EYES as being so prominent in both, and how the eyes ARE the "windows of the soul." But "Mister Right" should include physical AND emotional AND mental AND soul AND angelic. I wasn't shy in saying I wanted the BEST, even saying I wasn't feeling restricted about "converting" which I called "retrofitting" someone who was STRAIGHT (thinking mainly of Bruce Jaffe or Jon Terrell---nothing like starting at the top!) (which reminds me that Chrystal said it may or may not be someone in Actualism, though she found she needed that with a previous partner since SHE was doing all the INNER work on the relationship---that she'd known Richard for YEARS before (though she didn't mention his marriage), and that the Immortals had to set it up, but I shouldn't be shy about meeting people, and I MIGHT even get someone TEMPORARY until the "networks" bring "Mister Right" into my possibilities. As we came down we EXPANDED into the networks, as she suggested we do, and I felt TINGLY on the skin, saying I felt that last night's work on the human OPENED ME UP more for more energy influx. Also felt that I MIGHT LEARN MORE, and I found myself having the picture of being trained to FUCK someone for THEIR AND MY enjoyments, and sex being far more NATURAL than it was with either John or Dennis, more in the nature of SPONTANEOUS or FRICTION orgasms connected with much affection, rather than so distinctly GENITAL oriented relationships, which I really WANTED then, but not so much NOW. Felt that I was getting to be a better person FOR someone, being more open to LEVELS of people, and more TOLERANT of LOTS of things. Felt that it was a GREAT session, and I felt "touched" as I have a lot recently: like something good's about to happen: even TOLD Chrystal I felt somewhere a little boy jumping up and down squeaking "Goody, goody, goody!" NOW let's SEE!!
ACTUALISM 227
4/19/82
#3-38 MI WITH E OF P THROUGH 4-8-6
She reminds us that we meet NEXT week, off the week after; gives out emergency rations forms; talks of hair-analysis writeup that I take; sells a book; and ask if anyone has an apartment to rent to San Francisco people. Then she announces this is a TOTALLY different kind of thing, the LONGEST tape, so brain-mind won't get all of it, just be open to the information. She merely mentions it's Motion Intelligence with Energy of Perfection for what COULD be called the SEX INTELLIGENCE we wanted before, with Radiant Warrior and Generative and Regenerative, which are ALWAYS used in tandem. There'll be much for the EMOTIONAL and SENSORY bodies, she says, and starts at 7:25, first reel to 8:46, then turning over for 8:47 to 9:18, ALMOST two hours! I hear VERY little of it, only AFTER hearing about the Seal and other elements. This session is to eliminate fixed perspectives on love and to "shed the light of the Soul" on hidden Regenerative-Generative blocks. Softness, tenderness, and openness are NOT vulnerability, only their INVERSIONS are. Open to the IMpressed (of the taped material) and let the REpressed come up. Start with IE in Center 10, and as usual it starts at Archetypal for the Subatomic, through Atomic, Molecular, Cell, Organ, and lastly BODY seat, each time he connects saying "Interact, locking in," and at the end the usual expansion to centers 2, 9, and forebrain and old brain for the WHOLE body. Chrystal explains to Barbara that the "control panel" is ALL through the body, so the buttons can be keyed from Center 2 OR Center 10, and we're to STAY in Center 10 for this session. We're working on returning to EDEN Consciousness. Creature Nature is NOT to be sacrificed (as bull to Gods in Crete), but developed in relationship to ANOTHER creature's nature. So be it. Then he comes back to say MUST sacrifice the BULLISH ANIMAL nature of the Generative ACT---"pushing and thrashing of bodies beating around in the dark." DON'T share details verbally, too, he insists. We start sharing at 9:35 and stop at 10:20, where I learn we're sealed from EMOTIONAL DOWN from creating into form, but we can STILL general THOUGHT forms from Mental body. I said I was WAY out for the words, had a lot to deal with, but was calm about handling all of it! Just to do it. Others had GLOWING reports. Oh.
ACTUALISM 228
4/22/82
EMERGENCY BODY SESSION PER GINNY JARRETT 4/13
This IS ON The feet and head when there's no table and no body STUFF. In shock, trauma, or faint. Cosmic Mother best, but Red-Gold, Cosmic Father, and Radiant Warrior also very good. Expand sun to 30 feet from center 9 and expand the power ray. Four positions on the feet, linked to pituitary and pineal glands and ovaries for females and testes for males.
1. Thumb and first two fingers in L&A pattern (thumb in nook of sole, first two fingers surrounding outside ankle bone), for the out sides of the body. (VERTICAL link to pituitary, pineal, and reproductive organs)
2. (paired with first, as 3 is with 4; don't do ONE of a pair without the other.) Thumb on top of instep hollow of heel, palms over instep, top of foot between first and second fingers, for the inner sides of body: CVA. HORIZONTAL link to pituitary, pineal, and reproductive organs.
3. Knuckles on floor under heels, fingers toward centers, for back of body, emphasis in the colon.
4. (paired with 3) Holding tops of toes, for the front of body, emphasizing the head and face.
For all these, do it first in physical, then in human body.
HEAD: palms over EARS, fingers pointing downward---OR left on the forebrain, right on the old brain, and then 3 and 4 for the body.
On the head, check particularly the brain, spine, arms, and legs.
CAN do it through shoes, OR do it all on the head.
ON the head, put a cross of light from palm to palm and from old brain to forebrain.
On leaving, externalize sigil on them.
For a FALL, first check SPINE and DON'T move the head or the feet.
Good for EMOTIONAL trauma, too.
Can introduce it by saying "I know a technique to help you relax."
You can even get your human body to do it on YOURSELF if no one's around.
ACTUALISM 229
5/8/82
SPECIAL ON VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL OF 4/26
Barbara Ellmaker is coming (as 6th teacher for NYC) for Laura-like bodywork.
Saturday, June 12, is summer gathering at same Croton park as last year.
She's obviously ill, so she announces a special session on Vertical and Horizontal.
ONLY the Physical and the Human are in time-space.
Perceptual, Emotional, and Mental are PERSONALITY Systems on INTERMEDIATE level, NOT in time-space.
Soul, Angelic, and Archetypal are UNOBSTRUCTED, NOT in time-space.
Some students merge HORIZONTALLY in consciousness, when it should be vertical.
Vertical is a) Being of Light, b) moving in VIBRATORY levels to higher.
"Immortals unify whether we ASK them to or NOT."
"Asking brings personality into EXPERIENCE of Immortal interactions."
Merging Immortals are PURE VERTICAL. Opening IDENTITIES to it is "distant," but opening BODY to it is PLEASURE IN BODY.
If there's NO HORIZONTAL AT ALL, there's no PERSONALITY FLOW.
Organs (cells, molecules, etc) can ALSO (every system, every identity) stand in relation to ITS being of light and be AWARE that each OTHER is ALSO in that stance.
Also aware of OTHERS harmonized with THEIR immortals.
Relating ONLY Horizontally PULLS on systems, DEMANDS, raises DEFENSES, and appears to be without love and feeling.
"When enough students do this to me, I get overloaded (she has a COLD)."
Have to bring Vertical into HORIZONTAL not POWER into horizontal.
Horizontal AWARENESS usually gets into contact with LOADS and low FREQUENCY.
Awareness MAGNIFIES---and makes LOWER.
Identities = Field Identities + ALL the egos at EVERY level.
UNIFYING is for EGOS to do, unifying with personality and LOW frequency.
PROBING with awareness is for "nosiness."
To unify: turn over our identities involved to OUR Immortal. Feel identities and energy systems FILL with high-frequency of Immortal. WITH Beingness IN systems, ASK the Immortal to merge with other's Immortal. THEN I open my identities and energy systems to the experience and feel YOUR energies.
PURPOSE of Horizontal is to EARTHE the Vertical. So ASK IE to beam "a horizontal vertical" to YOUR IE.
"It's what my Immortal does even when my BRAIN isn't aware you're calling for help and support." "When my Copilot attention is focused on it, brain-mind and personality gets into the experience, too."
For Horizontal: CHECK that all Identities are standing in HARMONY with THEIR union with YOUR identities. Check energy systems and field lines at all levels for harmony with that union. Come to where the HORIZONTAL JOINS the vertical and ask YOUR identities if you want to relate.
HARMONIZE horizontally not UNIFY horizontally.
TEACHER relates by RELATIONSHIP lines from C2 or C9 (horizontal WITHOUT mag and dyn).
Identities FEEL better in HIGH frequency---just wait in your high frequency and bring OTHER UP to your frequency.
To "clean up" a relationship, request YOUR Immortal to bring up "junk," and ask THEIR Immortal to bring up SAME junk so that BOTH can withdraw power from it and process the ESSENCE in the JUNK, for each's mag and dyn. If the OTHER person is FIXED, they can disconnect from YOU and fix on someone ELSE for the same problem.
With heavy-duty problem, use JAVELINS to clean up VERTICAL with soul shaft and gold dome AROUND you to BLOCK HORIZONTAL. OR SILVER CUP DOES THE SAME.
Javelins go in and out HORIZONTALLY, hit junk in YOU and in THEM and break the horizontal tie-in. Lighted horizontal from VERTICAL UNION: harmonize field (high frequency) magnetic and dynamic with his field and EACH may RECEIVE dynamic and find the UNION of Immortals expressed there and that LIGHTS THE HORIZONTAL.
OTHER opening to light is in THEIR hands. LOW-FREQUENCY IDENTITIES in others ARE NOT harmonized with your lighted identities. So you can't ATTACK them; relate FIRST to their IE, which will ALWAYS respond, and you'll get "like-minded" identities in THEM to AGREE with you.
IE's ALWAYS earthe VERTICAL in their HORIZONTAL beaming, but IE's always stay IN body; unlike Immortals which CAN merge in and throughout BOTH bodies.
Harmonizing IS horizontal.
"Light is as PAINFUL to a low-frequency idea as LOW-Frequency is painful to a high-frequency identity. If you ELICIT low-frequency, you're IN low-frequency SOMEWHERE.
An open door attracts low-frequency coming at US.
Human spectrum of energies is NOT equal to physical spectrum of energies at ALL.
a) Christ at DEATH became "lighter" and moved around earth FAST.
b) Chrystal "changes" and beams "invisible on horizontal" to passersby.
c) Ghosts (in LOW frequency) can be SO low you can SEE them!
Souls, horizontally, earthe the vertical for us.
Javelins: merge at SOUL with PEOPLE involved, and ask THEM to merge with "awfuls" hitting THEM. THEN meet on the inner and build RELATIONSHIP lines with them, and THEN move in with magnetic and dynamic directly.
To GET something: AFTER clearing with the Immortals and meeting at the SOUL level, rise to MENTAL Levels, put on BEST clothing, merge IE's, then on the mental SHAKE HANDS and deal as you would if you were there in the physical. Then REPEAT in the emotional (a week later), then perceptual, then human, and being in time-space, physical happens quickly thereafter.
Bill Parham: "When do you wanna start?" CSO: "You mean you're willing to PAY what I'm ASKING?"
If you're GOING to meet five people (in one session), meet THEM on the inner, first.
If you DON'T know the person, go by IE and IMMORTAL.
In PERSONAL "problem," shift to IE'S brain from YOUR brain and let IT handle it.
SESSIONS are to teach EGOS and IDENTITIES to respond AUTOMATICALLY lightedly.
Networks? Horizontal earthing of vertical---only HIGH-frequency goes over them.
Hierarchy? Horizontal AND vertical relationships: a set of beings IN humanity.
Center Deva? BOTH Hor and Ver: Coord: Hor: M-d, D-M; Ver: Support HOR M-M and D-D and NEVER get loaded. BEING OF LIGHT IS PURELY VERTICAL.
Time-space? Bring cross of light to light place or time you want lighted. Sigil to place. Bring group.
IE? Vertical THROUGH horizontal, ALWAYS. Personal Counselor: Personality relationship; KNOW on horizontal; Immortal union on vertical; exists and trained at HUMAN and upper bodies.
ACTUALISM 232
5/9/82
COORDINATOR'S MEETING OF 5/8
Solar plexus (or other center or organ) HARMONIZED by relating Solar Plexus magnetic with dynamic of Radiant Presence, Solar Plexus dynamic with magnetic of Radiant Presence (which RELEASES low-frequency), then to each other.
This is not "closed circuit" but "at attention."
Thieves took 1) gold watch from body worker, 2) Bruce's leather jacket, 3) jacket with Porsche keys, which weren't taken since Porsche was blocks away.
SO LOCK DOOR BETWEEN CLASSES!
I sit bump-on-log like and don't MOVE during "Eliminate-Assimilate Dance" which I could not get INTO, and I write "I'm not much fun anymore" about myself.
The Super-Vision of the Supervisor of Coordinators.
Coordinator is the focal point of activities at the center, so Russell and Carol Ann can tune in on THEM to see what's going on in the center.
Extend horizontally into HIGH-FREQUENCY wavelengths only!
Russell said, per Chrystal, "All life experience has to do with RELATING."
Low-frequency is ALWAYS attracted to a WORTHLESS going on in someone.
DENIAL turns off Center 9 connections, so if you WANT anything, AFFIRM it.
"Discrimination, discretion, and good judgment" is another of their rubrics.
Realign along Center 9 when DOWN, for a boost in energy.
Assignment: 1) Assimilate through Center 9 lines all the places that have changed over the past two years, with YOUR essence making part of the structure. 2) Open to IE speaking to me from Center 9 to indicate what WILL be done in the NEXT two years---while coordinating, reach out and ADJUST and BRING order. "Find your prana smiling back at you."
I started VERY down, VERY separated, but Mary Stanley talked to me about indexing, then Chrystal DREW me in by assigning me as coordinator with Pat Mandino calling in, and saying I should UNIFY with Center Deva and the centers of the teachers, and I felt a MONOLITHIC strength, and said so, using the term "conduit" and Barbara responded IMMEDIATELY to that word, and I thought of Gil's use of the word "lifeline" when yesterday at coordinating I held onto Paul Mazulowski's phone call for Gil to talk with, and Gil said he REALLY WAS needing a lifeline, and I was perceptive to MAKE HIM TAKE THE CALL.
ACTUALISM 233
5/13/82
IDENTITY INTEGRATION #6 OF 5/10
"So you're up to Primitive #3," says Chrystal, after we get into the room at 1:15 and talk until about 1:45 about her trip to the Bahamas, with Richard's amusing fear of snorkeling until he gets into it; but I see her meticulously looking at the clock to record when we start, so I'm not worried about paying. The final sentence is "With enlightened awareness, all ( ) identities love the many truths of each other, for the power-filled support and protection of each other, and of the beloved body field, and matrix forms embracing us, for this is the actual design of life more abundant." We start with sentences saying that the unenlightened magnetics want to kill the enlightened magnetics, which seems to be a switch, and the physical symptoms mount slowly, but she seems to want more (or see more), and at length says "What wants to come out: you're bloated like a sausage with something that wants to come out?" I look at whatever I can see and seem to see EMOTION that's been scrunched down below the surface wanting at least to FILL THE BODY, and AGAIN I get into a New York-questioning: "Is EVERYONE in New York so enclosed with a protective shield?" and she admits that even the COORDINATORS, in the safe space of the center, are closed down enough so that thieves can get through three times and take things WHILE THEY'RE ON DUTY. I say things are better in Italy and Atlanta, and she says maybe I can get some surface emotion SHOWN, so I shed a few tears and feel very nicely mushy inside, first time in a long time, and when we're finished I'm surprised to see that it's 4:10, and she charges me $82.50 for 22 hours, but she's told Barbara to get me out and she'd gone upstairs and I haven't thanked her for the session. Again, it's a sense of "letting go" (and the idea of my death came up again, with not enough time to do everything I want to do, and she keeps asking "What's under that?" until I can't SEE anything that's under that, though she talks about an identity that wants something that I should identify. I decide to LET emotions out more: GET angry more easily, SHOW tenderness to people at gym and on street, and I connect LOTS of things with the Gurdjieff notes I've been reading from Bill.
ACTUALISM 234
5/17/82
GAY MEN'S SEMINAR #3 OF 5/14/82
George Hudachko is in California taking bodywork and making uniforms for the staff bodyworkers (after making three chairs for the teachers), but Gene Adams comes for the first time. Bruce asks what I've been working on "since last time," and I echo Gil when he said "something important, but I don't remember what," and then said what I'd found at the last II, about filling my body with emotion, letting it get more near the surface. Wayne talked more than usual; Philip kept spouting off about this and that, large neat crotch; Gene was funny about various gay identities; Arthur stumbled more than usual; Bruce went for water after Gil went for water after Arthur went for water; no one seemed eager for it to start. Going from 7:15 to 8:45 about various forms of guilt (and I countered Philip's judgments about wanting to remain FAITHFUL about Dennis's concern if I MET NO ONE NEW, saying it reflected on OUR desirability AND proved that we were GREAT if we in fact STAYED with each OTHER while having many OTHERS) and didn't get to the "guilt" that came up when Gil said something about "guilt about not feeling complete" when I don't feel complete when I meet someone groovy who wants to fuck or be fucked and I want neither, having to wait for someone willing to wait for sucking only, like John, or into masturbation, like Dennis. But there was not time for that as Gene wanted to leave at 10, so when we started at 9 Bruce went into a process with Cosmic Mother to attack the guilt feelings, and didn't even go through the pelvic unloading pattern but kept concentrating on the immune system, obviously having read up on GRID, and there were assumptions that PROMISCUITY caused the disease that I didn't like, but I didn't feel like fighting EVERYONE in the room. Will be interesting when George rejoins us. I mentioned please don't have the next one EARLY in July, and Bruce kept saying he felt someone else and they mentioned Alex Dolcemascolo as being CLOSE to coming in, but not yet, and of course there ARE others, as Bruce Lieber again asks if George Pierson is in the group, but I rather suspect HE thinks of himself as straight now and wouldn't want to join the group. Lucretia coordinated, the first one OTHER than Bernice Cousins, and there was a GROUP that included Shellie Enteen, who said she WOULD call for bodywork and she and Ken and I WOULD get together. Yeah!
ACTUALISM 235
5/20/82
#3-40: Special on EVOLUTIONARY TAIL OF 5/17/82
Chrystal talks of "Socialites" and summer gathering and then asks what we think of an evolutionary tail. She only LATER says that Center Zero is not included because we're processing NOW everything that's remained from past animal forms IN EVERY ATOM, CELL, AND ORGAN AND BODY. Then she "becomes" two series of three animals: for her EAGLE I get a filled feeling in my stomach, where I eat or AM eaten; for her LEOPARD both Michael and I get a SNAKE, which she says is nicely connected with HER idea of a leopard; and for her BEAR I get irrelevance. In the second series I get an idea of something FURRY and it's a RABBIT; what I think of as a spider coming down with fangs from on top of a web SHE says is a SNAKE, and at the end when I'm THINKING of a monkey she gets down on the floor and hops about rather toad-like until she starts picking fleas off Marilyn! Then we're into the session with RW and Gen-Regen and Pink, and I get nothing much as she goes through the levels VERY slowly, except that I think there's something wrong at the BORDER between Emotional and Perceptual, since that's where I go out the STRONGEST: I KNOW we're in Emotional, then there's a blank, and then I'm picking up the last of the perceptual. She says that's what the INTERLOCK button is for, so I should emphasize THAT button when I interlock, saying also that we can do the session with the 4-8-6 pattern, too. I'm glad she says there isn't much time for reporting (we're through at 10:20 anyway), so I don't have to say much, because AGAIN I feel largely separated from the whole thing, except for smiles back and forth at Barbara. But I feel somewhat better when Paula gives "my report" and I keep assimilating "as much as all the low frequency I went through in the session." Two days later I do a session and really RE-PUNCH that interlock between ALL levels, and feel that much MORE is being done in the session, almost blowing fuses in the process, so this might be a nice breakthrough, not to mention the unstated-as-yet that I'm actually OPEN to such things happening, and I talked with Joe Easter on the phone about it for a long time yesterday, too, so this seems to be another time when Actualism is really UP for me!
ACTUALISM 236
5/20/82
COORDINATING OF 5/18/82
Among other duties, Chrystal says to call 7 people and ask if they want receipts for their Christmas raffle donations. I look at Maureen's card, three numbers in New Jersey, think she might be home, don't particularly want to mess her up at the radio station again as I did before by confirming an appointment she'd made DURING BUSINESS HOURS, so I decide to let it up to the deva, "tune in on the numbers," and phone the last one. Ask for Maureen, he asks who's calling, and Maureen says "How on earth did you think to call me HERE, Bob, I was just complaining about---?" something or other. I felt good about that. Get to everyone but one; pick up nits from the floor, get sent to the post office, alphabetize the Rolodex (still not reduced from my list), put in my hours, order the hour lists, and manage to keep nicely busy, finishing out a page but THEY have to check it out now, and in general feel good about the day, in contrast to the GREAT activations I had before going in: just the day after class, I really want to work, grumble-mumble. But the time goes fast, the event is a good one to "think it's working," and Chrystal was around to check out the scheduling, saying I did a good job, and at the end she retains her stare-eyed distance but Bruce is just waiting and open for a hug, so I hug him and dash out through the lobby just AMAZED at how good I feel about the day, even though Martha McCollough didn't want me to stop by to answer questions about the system and I didn't manage to get in touch with Joe Easter. But it's over for this month and from now on (now that I have over 200 hours!) it'll just be once a month, and there's a new crop of coordinators anyway, so there should be more people doing it.
ACTUALISM 237
5/26/82
ARTHUR TALKS ABOUT PERCEPTIONS ON 5/25
He talks of Reynardo who went through basic with him then moved to Puerto Rico: in session 5 when he was doing handwork to "open the plexi" (which I didn't remember) he SAW the membrane burst and all the junk flood out toward him and he RECOILED from it so distinctly that Rebekah told him NOT to tell the class about all his perceptions, just as Jan had told ARTHUR WITH HER EYES that he was not to ask all the questions about the advanced phases of the work that HE saw in the class. He said that Winston used to answer his questions with ANOTHER question that proved WINSTON knew what he was talking about, yet telling Arthur to tune into HIS OWN KNOWING: the example he gave was asking a question to which Winston responded "Do you know the difference between high frequency and low frequency?" and when Arthur said "No," he countered with "Do you know the difference between pleasure and pain?" and this was RIGHT at the time that Arthur was doing investigations into sexual S-M which he said Winston KNEW about yet wasn't FOR, but letting it up to Arthur's free will and choice. THEN Arthur talked about going into his molecular level and meeting FEAR; I asked from WHERE and he said from HIM because he'd gone in BEFORE and there was such CHAOS and ANGER and PAIN and MALFUNCTION because his sexual activities had SO messed up his body that he was about to leave form (when he started showing Bruce Lieber's concentration on the negative I made sure he wasn't coming just from brain-mind, and he said the teachers had kept asking that and that I was tuning on THAT, and at one point I really "heard" Chrystal (in memory, not in perception) says "Not shame nor blame," and passed that on to him, too) and I mentioned that the MOLECULAR level was probably the FIRST one to be completely changed in life, and he glommed onto the point that he felt so much better after a lighted body session because literally millions of FREED molecules had actually been CREATED IN THE LIGHT during that hour or so. He actually stayed awake during the session, too, which was a good first, and we both thought it was great, worth the two hours it spent talking about and doing, though I was again activated about all I DIDN'T see and (with Reynardo's "reception" of the soul power ray and another power ray in PR; Susan's "silver attackers," and his inner perceptions of egos and warfare) wondered if Actualism was OBJECTIVELY true.
ACTUALISM 238
6/8/82
3-41: FREEING INTELLIGENCE OF 5/31
Lucretia's out with a virus. Chrystal announced FREEING INTELLIGENCE: freeing FROM counter-actual-design TOWARD actual design, to EXPRESS/ACCOMPLISH/MOVE. 4 centers: 2, 9, 0, 16; 8 subcenters: 4 on each side of 2 & 16, "9 and 0 have none." USE Freeing Intelligence with SIGILS. Good for those who have left form. Good for freeing body from fear of death. CM is most powerful of warrior energies. CM is good for love and mercy.
FIVE energies: White, CM, RG, pink, and SW. POWER FOR PEACE WITH POWER.
TYRANNY of image-government makes it hard to work with ANY authority.
Wide-open MENTALS usually have VERY NARROW PERSPECTIVES on perceptual. ME!
Self-defense is first phase of warrior training, which will start tonight.
"They can neither GIVE nor TAKE AWAY our freedom. Forget about "them."
HUMAN specializes in cold, aloof, alienated, separated superiority.
Human inflicts cruelty, judgmentalism, perfectionism on BODY for its decay.
HUMAN has flesh, too, To think that it DOESN'T is an illusion.
That higher dimensions are BETTER is an illusion, bringing WORTHLESS images to PHYSICAL. If our bodies get CLOBBERED, it doesn't mean that we're WORKING WELL!
Warrior training: Basic level: self-defense. Advanced: rescue missions and assignments.
Meet Warrior teachers.
Best attribute: have a sense of humor.
Two hour class and then two hour warrior session, CAN be once a week OR class night only.
First "missions" will be in group formation.
Light IE line to them (teachers) to "prepare for session."
CAN ask for an AWAKE class for PHYSICAL brain-mind to observe EVERY SO OFTEN.
Russell: We ALL go off the mark, but we're TESTED on how fast we come BACK!
I was pretty awful on the perceptual, but I REPORTED as I felt: that I usually squinch down into a TINY ANGRY POINT that refuses to play: this time I kept OPEN, EXPANDED, watched things going on, and therefore didn't suffer nearly as much as I usually do, and Tomassina said my report was GREAT for honesty. Chrystal like it too, and just think, she has only ONE class left for us!
ACTUALISM 239
6/8/82
CONNECTEDNESS WITH FREEING INTELLIGENCE
It's been so long since I've written a page about a session---and now that I sit to write a page it's with a typewriter that doesn't quite work, or that has to be warmed up as I warm to the topic. After such a DRY session period with lots of Motion Intelligence, it's a relief to find EXPERIENCE and JOY in a session: I sit at mental and find that I've assimilated the IDEA of the Freeing Intelligence, and it occurs that that's because the light of the soul HAS seeped down from Soul level FIRST into Mental, and now I'm beginning to FEEL better because the light of the soul has begun to seep down into emotional. I found myself looking at "how I feel happiness," and I sort of KNOW it mentally more by absence of UNhappiness and angst and anguish than by an mental PRESENCE except PLEASANT thoughts as opposed to UNpleasant ones. I think of it as "a churning pleasantness in the stomach" and decide THAT must be an EMOTIONAL component, except, tuning it, it DOES happen on the PERCEPTUAL that my nerves, from the SENSORY, send back a report from my churning stomach. Then recall a fullness of the HEAD in things like "mental revelations" that seems to be MORE in the head than in the BRAIN, and THAT seems some sort of perception as opposed to "thinking about it." (Sure glad I did decide to type this rather than the index, since this would be AWFUL with the index---pauses not coming through on paper at all, but there are LOTS of them through here, with delayed pairs of letters reluctantly eked out by the lazy type-ball, with extra CHUNKS every so often from y's and -'s). DO like the "freeing" quality of the intelligence: freeing me to look at the idea that "Everything is without doubt proceeding as it should" from Dennis's "Epithalamium" or whatever the name of the poem is. Reading in "Promise of Air" by Blackwood---chosen QUITE "by random" from my shelf of things to read, talks about looking at things from "the bird's eye view" which looks at EVERYTHING rather than at the details. Even got myself to look at my typewriter troubles with an objective amusement: I keep thinking that I've PLANNED for everything, but then want the EXCITEMENT of last-minute suspense, but when I've taken care of EVERYTHING things tend to get rather dull, so it's as if the work (HA, was going to type WORLD and typed WORK---) yes, it's as if the WORK were giving me tests of my excitement and my REAL want of control (when I HAVE the control things seem so stale and I actually CRAVE excitement, sometimes even going to useless entertainments or baths or bars to GET it, and now the work/world is GIVING me the excitement BY ITSELF. Reminds me that LOTS of indexes DID come in when I really put myself out for them, and now everyone's going away for parts of the summer (me from June 15-July 12; Marge from July 1-19; Barbara from June 8 to 18 or maybe longer), and Dennis says he wants only indexes until something better comes along, so if THAT happens, Sherryl will be holding the fort HERSELF FOR herself. The "connectedness" of everything feels good again (as I once felt SO often with Actualism and haven't felt for awhile now), and it's even let me get a handle on my awful feelings about the world: wanting to move from New York, to travel, to find a lover, not liking ANYTHING that was happening, fearing that something AWFUL was about to happen (as it could, with Marilyn's statement "If the Christ DID come now, as Mary Bailey said Crème was NOT predicting properly, it would only force dark forces into TERRIBLE retribution, which would make the nuclear Damocles seem more threatening than ever." I got very depressed watching the book-banned-reading on 13 last night after the very stylized "Orpheus" of Monteverdi, but during the session managed to look at the TV program as something positive, and at the Richard Pryor movie as something positive---looking at love and affection and IMMORALITY rather than moral majorities and whited sepulchers. I of course "know" that my POINT OF VIEW is the more important thing than "what's going on," but I couldn't get out of "the world's awful" until this morning when I came to a new immediacy about the realization of what's meant by "Peace on Earth, Good Will toward Men," in that even if there IS peace, if people hold ILL will toward everyone, THEIR view of life will be sour and misanthropic. A NEW GOOD FEELING toward that "Good Will" means: you CAN'T be happy if you look at everyone around you (as I tend to do) as stupid, dirty, inconsiderate, destructive, and to-be-avoided. If you're going to AVOID PEOPLE COMPLETELY (as I've found just doesn't work for me) that might be satisfactory, but you HAVE to come in contact at least with salespersons and friends, and if I keep thinking they're AWFUL, then the relationships will be awful and I will be awful, but I have to look at them with GOOD WILL and everything will LOOK better, and BE better because they DO look better to ME. Was helped yesterday by Helen Ferguson ADMITTING that she made the mistake of saying the book was 196 pages instead of longer, and coming in immediately, and SHE volunteered to take the book away from me, which made ME AND MARGE feel great about her, and I felt much better about Marge, too. Then felt a VERY large charge of love toward Arthur for taking over my coordinating spot today, and have to call him to tell him to reserve $3 for the picnic for me, since HIS extra day AND Ken's (how WONDERFUL that I'd go to the store JUST at 6 pm yesterday, when I SELDOM do, in order to meet KEN, who's SELDOM here, who tells me he's DRIVING to the picnic, which this extra day FREES me for, and solves my problem of seeming ingratitude to the teachers for "throwing a party and no one coming" by not attending, even though I don't think it's the most fun-thing in the world. But I could MAKE IT THAT!! It occurs to me now in a FLASH! Phone Dennis to SEE if he'd want to come along, but he doesn't. AND the coordinating-taken-care-of permits me to go the gym today, too. After such a period of "I feel awful and the world's awful and I want to leave," it feels good to feel BETTER about things, though maybe my doing a session EACH DAY for the past week may be helping things, and I've even figured I have to get a body session soon, too. Thinking that today would be spent getting things into order is a pretty good relief, too---GOT to get some sort of letters about my vacation at least OUT so that people have a chance to PHONE me with conflicts before I leave on the 15th, or whenever. Even describing the FREEDOM of the trip to Marge yesterday was a kind of a kick, too. Now it I can just PERFORM it with that freedom, it'll be even better than the Atlanta trip!
ACTUALISM 242
7/13/82
#3-42 PERSONAL FREEING OF 6/14
From note taken then: Barbara out, 12 of us for Chrystal's last class. Freeing Intelligence is CHALICE and STAR and Pink and Subtle Warrior and Red-Gold. EMPHASIZE Centers 2, 9, 0, and 16, but include and light ALL centers and subcenters. RECOGNIZE, ACKNOWLEDGE, and EXPERIENCE Co-Pilot, your CLOSEST AND MOST INTIMATE FRIEND, at EACH LEVEL, which lights AHEAD as we go up in frequency. "Coincidental SPHERICAL, coaxial horizontally and vertically LINEAR, interacting INTERDEPENDENTLY---such are the LEVELS within, without, and all about." Session: "A Prayer for Freedom." Angelic presences in great multitudes. Archetypal units drawing in from above, subatomic from below, generate a two-way flow vertical (as usual) AND HORIZONTAL for first time!
End of tape: How do you like the vertical and horizontal two-way flow? Good! It's good to learn to navigate in nonverbal experience---it'll lead to new clarity and new vocabulary. I copy the names of the NY Public Library lions: Patience & Fortitude. Otherwise, it was the USUAL 4-8-6 in great detail with Freeing Intelligence. Reporting was difficult, however. Chrystal went into her usual abundance of colorful, glorious details, and I felt, saw, tasted, touched, smelled NOTHING. What to report? Rather what I actually FELT: Whenever I don't "get anything" I tend to shrink down inside myself, defensively, and lash out with anger at all her words, saying "That's not so, that's ridiculous, that's impossible." I feel small and mean and surly and closed. At least, I thought, I could remain OPEN and FREE during these periods, let things "go with the flow." If I TRULY don't get anything, then get out of the work. If I get enough to continue, then continue; But don't hassle the continuing! I report this, Chrystal receives it positively, and afterwards Tommasina praises me for my objectivity (that's not the word SHE used, not the word I thought of at the time, but it certainly ties in which the NEXT lesson's topic!) and honesty (THAT was the word we used) in reporting. It was an agony, but I got through it with a positive feeling at the end, which is part of the important thing. Then, however, I did ABSOLUTELY NO sessions on my own until after the NEXT class on July 12, and THAT'S not the way to have a good session, either.
ACTUALISM 243
7/13/82
#3-43 OBJECTIFYING: FIELD IDENTITIES WITH FI OF 7/12
Jon announces that Wyndy Egan and Penny Snyder are new Associate Staff Directors. Richard Otto is now on staff. Jon and Ginny Jarrett are co-Directors of Body Department, Jon specializing in Clearing in Consciousness, NSH, L&A, though he DOES none! Barbara Ellmaker is TOP bodyworker (though her arm-nerve session was nothing special). Lois is TOP healer. Changes for more verbal in Identity Freeings: Cranials, Autonomics, and general identity Freeings, which I'll return to after 10th II, I guess. He emphasizes WARRIOR training, stating that the IMMUNE SYSTEM (hmmm) is the ACTUAL DESIGN OF THE WARRIOR + FREEING INTELLIGENCE. Subject of this session: O B J E C T I F Y I N G = HARMONIZING LIFE-PARTS. In other words, A WORKSHOP IN NOT IDENTIFYING WITH LOW FREQUENCY.
For us, now, the COORDINATING ENERGY IS FREEING INTELLIGENCE.
SCHEDULE and make sure student GETS it MULTIDIMENSIONALLY.
For schedule-time overload (or Spartacus): REVERSE poles; OPEN magnetic and LIFT their dynamic---THEN release them when they've GOT what they want: recognition.
Opposite: being clutched by magnetic: AGAIN, reverse and FILL THEM WITH LIGHT and recognition---magnetics are AFRAID---and thus FILL THEIR NEED.
WITHDRAW dynamic but KEEP SENDING ENERGY.
People are problems because when you "look at them" today, you're REALLY looking at your IMAGE of them from YESTERDAY. You're EARTHING the PAST---if the New Age were here NOW, we WOULDN'T NOTICE IT!
So you're really WAY AHEAD of where you think you are. AND we do it to OURSELVES, to our identities; if FIELD IDENTITIES are OBJECTIVE, you stay in PRESENT!
Then about 8 there's a break, and we start working with the HUMAN at 8:20: The stronger you ARE your Co-Pilot, enlightened, the more you permit even UNENLIGHTENED beings to FEEL THEMSELVES. Acknowledge WHO you are HERE-NOW.
IE will NEVER acknowledge an IMAGE. IE only acknowledges YOU if you're NOT an image, but YOU!
Use Co-Pilot identification to STOP identifying with low frequency of OTHERS.
Magnetic-magnetic (rear magnetic) sends out "reject" signals (to KNOWN, he means), and I realize I do it to UNKNOWN---he SAYS that "in many cases" this "rejection" covers ARROGANCE and SUPERIORITY (which covers worthless, no doubt).
If FIELD identities can't cooperate, how can two people RELATE in MARRIAGE?
If someone throws YOU a load, let it go THROUGH you---it'll return to them when it goes around the universe, as Karma (INSTANT Karma = POINT Universe?).
Much EASIER than "He hit you, now you hit HIM."
Then have the two RIGHT ones meet, the two LEFT ones meet, two FRONT ones meet, two REAR ones meet, each DIAGONAL pair meet, then all FOUR meet.
DAILY PROGRESS: FOCUS ON REJECTION.
If you align what you DESIRE with your WILL, you'll get it quickly. You've got to RESOLVE CONFLICTS.
HIGHLIGHT human this time, but DO all levels.
PRACTICE shifting poles and multidimensional relating.
OUTER relationships usually MIRROR INNER relationships.
OBJECTIFYING: Be HERE-NOW---"There when you need to be."
Jon asks for reports BEFORE (and I tell him about the three GREAT occurrences of finding things after using Radiant Warrior; AND about the strong reactions to my wanting a window table at Cabana Carioca, when he smiles and says, "Either Freeing Intelligence OR a misuse of personal power." Then he asks for two reports voluntarily AT EACH FIELD IDENTITY, and I get increasingly panicky that NOTHING'S happening and I won't have ANYTHING to report. Then in the magnetic-magnetic, when he talks about "rejection covering up arrogance" I think of myself rejecting OUT OF HAND all the people at the gym, so what else could I get BACK from them BUT rejection---I keep looking at them from the PAST, keep CLOSING to them, so of course it's a perfect example of how I get NO response from them at ALL. Feel good for that realization and report it, and he says to keep a DAILY progress report on it, and ALSO to keep open to the WARRIOR training. He's freer with INFORMATION, saying that we ARE engaged in rescue work at night, he DID a session with us last night before class on turning around our identities, we WILL have lots of interesting classes coming up, we NEED special sessions on this and that, and he makes personal observations about Marilyn "up to her waist in whatever that is" and Lucretia's identity "facing front" and Margaret's "experience." Then he remembers he's scheduled the 8th II with me on August 20, so WE continue, too.
