Actualism notes
DIARY 13800
1/4/79
ACTUALISM NSH T&R FOR SESSION 50
Linda doesn't announce till AFTER that the raise of rate to $7.50 is optional at the 50th T&R, but that's bound to be part of the reason for a COMPLETE session required. I sat for a few minutes revving up in Ruby Red, then went in and heard myself trembling slightly at the gathering, substituting "Experience" for "Magnify" in one part, and then went into the neck. Told her of the abutment against the spinal column, and she suggested I PIVOT my knuckle there, and it worked nicely. On the other side I hit a slippery cord, and she suggested I use the FLAT of the knuckle to keep it under control and prevent slippage. Worked nicely. Left marks on the trapezius and she said I felt exact, then down the back she thought I was light, but I said that I'd just had a few complaints, and she allowed as how it would make me lighter in adjustment. Around the hip she said I should only do the across and up-down on the hamstrings twice instead of three times. Otherwise, she said I had the OUTER work down, now I had to work on the INNER, mainly in getting my body ABOVE the elbow more (I excused myself because of the low table, but she didn't seem to want to take that as an excuse), and beaming more with the lasers: particularly "around the neck, laser in with the thumb and that'll circle the bones and branch out into the nerves around them, really loosening the whole area," and up and down on the spine, and down the arms, which I say I do anyway. She said that she didn't feel that I was GIVING the power that I had the POTENTIAL to give, but that more practice in GIVING more where the body opened to receive it, or REDUCING the pressure before someone SAID to, by their rejection of the elbow, would give me more intuition and insight into the process. I should keep out of the brain, which doesn't know what's going on; shouldn't tell Susan how many fewer times she could move after she's spaced out (she'll tell her); and should urge someone like Bruce who wants more and more pressure to unify with the area to FEEL it, since likely they're not IN the part that's getting the work, and THAT'S why they're not feeling the work. She urged me to feel more in my human and even field, since the two fields merge when we're working, and feel the human sinking in and giving indications before the physical might. She said NOT to stress my change to $7.50, since not all got the advance at that point, and she just urged me to be aware of it. It came up the next day with Dorothy!
DIARY 13892
1/4/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She straightens the sheet while "she thinks what would best serve her," and decides she'd rather do a session on me, since she's about to get her 65 or so T&R and might go up to $7.50. I mention the session on next Saturday and she remarks "When I was starting, I wouldn't dream of getting bodywork outside the center," and I countered with "When I started, I wouldn't dream of getting bodywork, PERIOD," and we laughed. We joked about our disbelieving, our advances, and what class might hold tonight, and felt good toward each other, so that I asked if she were having dinner, she said she'd have to check, and in fact ended up on 72nd Street at 7 pm free for dinner just about when I was looking for a place to eat on 75th. My neck feels fairly stiff until I remember that it was just LAST week that I had my Clearing in Consciousness, and she suggested it was like Rolfing and I said most people over-dramatized, it wasn't that bad. She didn't go to Faye's party, having been VERY drunk the night before and "eaten lots of junk food." "I bet it was WONDERFUL" I countered and she laughed again. "It was, but I shouldn't drink so much." "I'd like a wrist indicator that would say 'Enough, but not too much'" and she knew JUST what I meant. She glopped on the oil front and back, not again saying "Oh, you've got green shorts now," as she'd done once before, and she said it was like a steam bath from the fizzling radiator, which was comforting. But someone had removed the sexy Chinese acupuncture charts from the walls, so the place looked bare. She thought she might not have time for my front, but said "Roll over" and gave me 10 minutes that got her out at 3:55, when she wanted to be gone by 3:50, but it felt good when she covered me and left me with my watch. My feet felt activated and she worked over them, didn't hit any great binds anywhere, and I felt VASTLY relaxed, as I always did, saying that I really felt VERY open for my SINGING lesson (see DIARY 13893) which came next, and the class was very productive, too, thanks to the session, and she said she'd have to catch up with me, but I'd forgotten one session I did on HER, so this only made it 3 that she was ahead of me, and she hadn't called during vacation at all.
DIARY 13894
1/4/79
ACTUALISM 2AD: 4
Alice "indisposed" and Meg coming up NEXT week for TWO lessons in two days, and he invoked the GROUP power a number of times to clear up obstructions. Wondered again about HIS creating all the Low Frequency that we had to get through to process, but I could never feel any of the positive glowing effects he kept talking about as the "love of form" and "joyful sustenance" kept shuttling back and forth. Kept my eyes open during almost the entire session, except when I'd use the excuse of rubbing my brows or tipping my head back to close them for relief, but sometimes lost focus as I stared in the corner. Tony and Elliott were wide-eyed anytime I looked, and though Dorothy said she had her eyes open most of the time, I didn't see them, and most of the others seemed mainly closed, but Faye was open a bit, as was Kathy and Barbara. Tony and Elliott started reports by saying how powerful it was and how much they got done, so I said "Ditto, next," and Winston laughed and said he knew I'd say that, and then I said that it WAS powerful, that I'd processed a lot, and that I felt a release in the middle. Which I did: mind horribly bungling during the ascent to Center 4, and I kept telling myself this was silly, why was I so scattered, what what what was I hiding from, WHY did the Cosmic Mother have to be so ACTIVATING all the time, and I kept scoffing at the equation of Mother with love and sustenance and nourishment and great Silver energies. But then I DEMANDED that it will be processed, withdrew identify like crazy (saying the words yet not really, somehow, meaning them --- as I kept wondering how I could PROCESS with my eyes OPEN), and a few moments later felt BETTER, sat up straighter, stopped fidgeting, focused my eyes easily, and remained more tranquil till the end of the session. So I said I had a release, Winston said "Wonderful," and we went around the room. Kick to watch Winston work: whirling his hands like stirring a cauldron, pointing imperiously to Michael before TELLING him to open his eyes if he wanted to stop nodding, cricking his neck back and forth, and talking WONDERFULLY with his voice and hands. He used "WAKE UP" as Alice did in the earlier lesson, so startlingly clear that it seemed an imperative with supranatural force, capable of ACTUALLY waking the person to ACTUALITY.
DIARY 13895
1/4/79
ACTUALISM SUMMARY TO DATE
11/15/76: BASIC COURSE
1. WHITE STAR: Purifying energy
2. COSMIC FATHER: Gold dome of crown
3. RADIANT WARRIOR: Light violet
4. LEFT HAND OF PHYSICIAN WITHIN: Ruby red
5. RIGHT HAND OF PHYSICIAN WITHIN: Orange
6. WISDOM LIGHT: Electric blue
7. OBJECTIVE CREATIVE: Emerald green
8. HIGHER WILL: Royal purple
9. ENERGY OF PERFECTION: Pink
10. SIGIL SEAL: Red-gold sun
11. HOME CENTERS for star and suns
12. COSMIC MOTHER: Silver chalice
13. SPECTRUM of frequency bands from 1st to 7th levels
14. MERGENCE with Group star and Group sigil
15. SPIRITUAL ATOMIC EXPLOSIONS and Circular rainbow and Ring-pass-not
16. FOURSQUARE CITY OF EDEN CONSCIOUSNESS and Rod and Staff
17. TRIANGLES, externalizing and internalizing energies, Organizational Center
of Planet Earth
18. SUBJECTIVE, OBJECTIVE, PHYSICIAN WITHIN, and WARRIOR SIGIL SEALS
19. HUMAN BODY and BREATH OF LIFE; HUMAN AWARENESS
20. HEALING PROCESSES with various energies 5/30/77
6/20/77: FIRST ADVANCED COURSE
1. TRIUNE PERSONALITY HIERARCHY; INCARNATING EGO; HUMAN EGO; CREATURE-BODY EGO
2. BEAMING in any direction
3. MAGNETIC AND DYNAMIC ASPECTS of 5th Kingdom Field, 4th Kingdom Human, 3rd
Kingdom Creature-Body
4. RADIANT MAGNETIC AND DYNAMIC ASPECTS harmonized with CREATION MAGNETIC AND
DYNAMIC
7/27/77: 5. CENTER ONE; SOUL POWER RAY; Light yellow-gold; INITIATION INTO FIRST
ADVANCED
6. TREE OF LIFE; PLANETARY WORK; MICROCOSMIC WORK; LOWER KINGDOM WORK
7. EMOTIONAL LIFEBELT; SENSORY AND MENTAL LIFEBELT
8-9-10. MONADIC (white) POWER RAY with Sensory and mental lifebelt
11. Reunion in Consciousness
12-13-14. RED-GOLD POWER RAY with Emotional lifebelt
15-16-17. ELECTRIC BLUE POWER RAY with Sensory and mental lifebelt
18-19-20. COSMIC MOTHER (silver) POWER RAY and emotional lifebelt
21-22-23. ENERGY OF PERFECTION (pink) POWER RAY and Sensory and mental lifebelt
24-25-26. COSMIC FATHER (gold) POWER RAY and Emotional lifebelt
27-28-29. OBJECTIVE CREATIVE (emerald green) POWER RAY and Sensory and mental
lifebelt
30-31-32. HIGHER WILL (royal purple) POWER RAY and Emotional lifebelt
33-34-35. RADIANT WARRIOR (light violet) POWER RAY and Sensory and mental
lifebelt
36-37-38. LEFT HAND OF THE PHYSICIAN (ruby red) POWER RAY and Emotional lifebelt
39-40-41. RIGHT HAND OF THE PHYSICIAN (orange) POWER RAY and Sensory and mental
lifebelt
42. SUBTLE WARRIOR: Dark violet; POWER RAY
43. REGENERATIVE: Pale green; POWER RAY
44. GENERATIVE: Scarlet; POWER RAY
9/20/78: 45. WORKSHOP IN HIERARCHY
10/4/78: SECOND ADVANCED COURSE
Prep 1. ORGAN SEAT; CELL SEAT; FULL PERSONALITY HIERARCHY
Prep 2. MAGNETIC AND DYNAMIC of Full personality hierarchy with RADIANT
MAGNETIC/DYNAMIC
Prep 3. ADVANCED WARRIOR SIGIL and ADVANCED PHYSICIAN SIGIL
Prep 4. Worship on FORGIVENESS with COSMIC MOTHER
Prep 5. MOVING BACKWARD AND FORWARD ON THE TIME DIMENSION
Prep 6. Reunion in Consciousness
11/29/78: 1. SOUL LIGHT through all levels at Center 2 to DIAMOND CONTINUITY
AXIS
2-3. MONADIC (white) POWER RAY with FPH and Emotional lifebelt
4-5-6. COSMIC MOTHER (silver) POWER RAY with FPH and Sensory and mental
lifebelt
7-8-9.
DIARY 13896
1/4/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She loves sitting in the living room with the sun streaming in the somewhat dirty windows, looking at the plants, listening to the humidifier, and waiting for me to answer the various ringing telephone calls. I review my day yesterday as she does, and we compare the similar experiences of the power of the session last night. She talks of working with double-image glasses that CAUSE her to feel sensations in TWO index fingers, implying that she's far more dependent on sensory and OUTSIDE data than she is on HER OWN SENSE OF oneness. She's coming to the end of the acupuncture and is thinking of stopping her eye-doctor in a month, since that's how he does billing, which is another sign that she's willing to be other-directed rather than self-directed. We laugh about it a lot. Then she's onto the table at 12 and her neck feels fine, her spine is somewhat obstructed, which she realizes, and her hips move freely, though her right sacrum seems rather tense. We laugh and chat throughout the session, then she says she'll have some tea, and I offer her some muffins and we kill two of them between us, chatting about eating various kinds of food, various diets, and relationships between me and Joe Easter, John Vinton, Bill Hyde, and Dennis, and she feels that she hasn't gotten to the point that SHE is qualified to say exactly what it is that she wants, though she says that I seem to be sure enough of myself to say at least what it is that I want in sex. We again laugh to think that we may be completely taken in by Actualism, though she verifies what I said about Third Advanced being designed to RELEASE Actualism's hold on us as students. She says she feels much more relaxed now, even though she hadn't realized she was tense when she came in; though we're both feeling somewhat chilly in the 15 weather, and she says she wants to get a lined coat so that she doesn't feel burdened by the weight of a coat, yet doesn't feel cold. I find that I'd missed a session I'd given her, so that now I only owe her two, which isn't bad. Tell her about the possible trip upcoming, and we chat about lots of other things, including how she kept nudging Michael in class last night to try to keep his head from bobbing all over the place.
DIARY 13919
1/9/79
ACTUALISM O-V AT BRUCE'S
I first think I want him to do a NSH, but then I think of how deeply he goes in, so despite the fact that I get O-V from Dorothy sufficiently, I ask him to do an O-V on me, just so he'll let me off easy. He activates (he would on anything), but he goes into Cosmic Mother and we start. He seems more disheveled than ever in his pattern, and I SAY that I think he went off a bit in the neck when he asks, saying that Dorothy Hunter seems MUCH more precise. I don't feel like drifting off, but he scrubs with much more abandon than she does, and since he doesn't use oil, it seems that he's making my skin very red, but I feel that it's quite surface all the way. Then I think these may be my images, so I blaze up a bit, and we don't even seem to talk about anything. I can feel his body in a few places and move away to give him room to work, and he doesn't even say that he's found many areas of tightness, except one place on the right spine, and we don't seem to have anything to communicate. Maybe we're both into our respective activations and have enough trouble keeping track of our own problems. With him, I might as well be back at the start again: wondering what I'm doing here, what the purpose of all of it is, getting nothing sensual, emotional, or mental out of it, except the resistance to the work and the question of why I'm continuing in it. But at last we're evening the score between the two of us, now he can demand a body session of me, and now I have someone else to work on if I ever start the O-V sessions myself. Maybe I even dropped off to sleep during some of it, because I remember so little of it even 4 days after it happened. But then he might be moving to California when the rest of his family treks out there during January and February, and it might be the last chance I have to "get into" another character that Actualism has introduced me to, and he lets me lie in the dark until he tells me it's over, and I read his awful books and leave, and I even now begin to wonder what I'll get out of a page like this: what I'll get OUT of it is that I remembered VERY little of significance that happened during the body session, and I determined to get to the end of the page anyway!
DIARY 13922
1/12/79
ACTUALISM PARATHYROID SURGERY WITH ALICE
She shows me the 4 corners of the thyroid and describes them as a bridge between the upper and lower natures, and that gimmick gives me the courage to ask in the middle what's been bothering me: why not give a CLASS in the history of Actualism? She almost accuses me of wanting VERIFICATION of the growth of the system, rather than experiencing the system itself, and said she was quite sure it would never be given, and told me to spend my thoughts on the experience, not on asking questions about Russell's background. At one time I said that things seemed to be happening VERY fast: from a slight pressure on the top of the head there was a quick emotion that something was happening, almost to tears, then a spasm in the heart, an itch on the right buttock, and loads of fleeting thoughts. They all came and went so fast it was impossible to keep up, and she said that I should just harmonize brain-mind with Incarnating Ego and get INSIDE the glands, not just sort of stand outside and look around, but getting INSIDE would help to heighten the experience of what's going on. Again she assured me that things were happening, and I was seeing only reflections of them, but with practice could see that the images were related to what was being released. She talked about the top of the head, and then I got the idea of a large vault or dome over it, filling with light (though of a blue-green cast) and then she said something about Cosmic Father, and I said I KNEW that I had been thinking of a dome or vault, and then the NEXT day we had a CLASS in Cosmic Father, so I thought it was very appropriate. Before class, she peeked in across the hall where they were constructing new rooms, but went upstairs quickly, saying she had no idea when things would be finished, and it was rough even though they were staying in the same building. She was chipper as ever, glad for my experiences and sort of nodded into a large hug as I finished assimilating, and she liked my introduction of the word "Bridge" for the area in the neck, "for that's just what it IS" and another word, and we seemed to have a nice rapport, talking somewhat less than usual, but still seeming to feel that a lot of good things had been done in the surgery.
DIARY 13933
1/13/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY
Walk in and there's Dorothy lying face down in her bra. "Dorothy!" I say with mock shock, "What do you think we're HERE for!" She laughs and stops me from going out the door, saying she can get rid of it there, and I hear and partially see the thud of the bra flying into the corner. She's spaced, because later she said that she'd probably forgotten to pick up her watch that I had to request her to take off and put on the next body table. I can't stop her laughing about it, so I remonstrate "Direct your BRAIN-mind to harmonize with the Radiant Consciousness in the upper ROOM" and she subsides. She tries to do much of the session with her eyes open, because she says she feels like drifting away, but she doesn't feel obstructed; her neck feels VERY free, with almost nothing going on, and she has to observe that she's not tense there, but along the spine I finally run into obstructions, getting those little pings that she says don't hurt, and getting something bigger farther down, where she says she's amazed to feel SORENESS along the spinal column, and I observe that I'm moving RIGHT NEXT to the edges of the bones, so I move away a bit and she seems to lie more comfortably. She displays a small tendency to fall asleep, so I decide to chat about things: her dropping her eye doctor, the communication meeting on Saturday, what she thinks will happen this evening, how the bodywork is going. I'm going much faster than usual, it seems, even with the talking, because she didn't get onto the table until 2:45 or even 2:50, and she said she wanted to leave a little before 4, so I was rushing, but I look at the clock as I finish and find it's only 3:33, and then sit in the hallway and sip tea while people swirl past on their ways to other body sessions, and when I poke my head in, silently, as she does, she lifts up and says she'll be out in a couple of minutes, and then she has time to stick around and talk afterward, so the time pressures didn't turn out to be real after all. On the right neck, when I really got into it, she started making contented Michael-like sounds, so I felt that I was doing something as nice for her as I always feel she does for me, which makes ME feel better working on her.
DIARY 13935
1/13/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
She's said before, in jest, "Start without me," and she said "Well, you can get on the table and do the gathering, can't you?" SHE had done the Wisdom, so that she could get instructions from what I was doing to her, saying she was winging it with Bill Solomon, but doing mostly the right things, and I said I wanted to work in Ruby Red, because I was a bit worried about overdoing it, what with Alice and the agent yesterday and Amy and two body sessions and class tonight, indexes beginning to pile up, and the IBM demo tomorrow, so I felt that Ruby Red would be as supportive as possible. I sort of blanked out a few places, and she gently suggested I might have drifted off, and afterwards at dinner we talked about how she USED to think she was "best" after est when she was flying off somewhere detached and soaring, but now she seems to realize that she's best very GROUNDED and CENTERED and not all flighty, which she calls "Miss Sobersides," and seems more to ENJOY being centered and sober, so I have to continue talking so that I just don't close my eyes and go drifting off into never-never land that never gets accompliSHED, with the accent on the SHED, as in the "Messiah." My neck just ALWAYS feels stiff, and when she's fingering it around it feels like there's so much flesh above the bones that she'll never be able to get down into them, and she pushes hard enough all the time to make the vibrator growl, so I know she's operating at maximum pressure. Once the head flipped off onto my arm, and she was wildly apologetic, saying that she had to punch a hole in the rubber face to prevent that. She really scrubbed up the back, and I could feel it getting red, but then I sort of conked out on the legs, because I just felt her going over the feet, and she seemed to be in a hurry, since she finished in 75 minutes, which seems to be fast for her, which INCLUDES the 10 minutes assimilation at the end, so she's JUST over an hour in the O-V. I say I really want the training in it, and tell Dorothy on Saturday that I was hoping they'd change it to an O-V from a NSH training, and she laughed and said I was being AWFUL. I hinted I might cry, but was quite dry-eyed until the very end, when a few tears trickled out during the front-work and the stretch, but I didn't break down as I'd almost hoped I would --- either eliminate through tears or through nasal mucus with a cold?
DIARY 13936
1/13/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #5
Into 1607 to find a small semicircle with MICHAEL on Winston's RIGHT DYNAMIC, filtering interestingly through Dorothy, Marilyn, Alice, Faye, Barbara, Maureen, Margaret, Meg, with the empty chair for me at Winston's LEFT MAGNETIC, seeming to intuit some sort of "femininity-masculinity" dualism, and thought of the HEAVY masculine Michael against my (for him, anyway) HEAVY feminine, Meg being UTTERLY dominated by Dorothy, Margaret girlish before Marilyn, Maureen under Alice, and Barbara being one step below Faye on that continuum. With all finding Winston perfectly acceptable, incidentally. Interesting. There's a tape, and I'm surprised that we're down to Center 3 already, not quite getting the pattern, but maybe it's 3 lessons PER CENTER, rather than the 2 lessons PER ENERGY that would get us through even quicker. But Bruce, having started 10 months ago, says he's getting into another phase, so we'll have 10 months in THIS phase. Russell's tape confuses me, and when I report that, it seems that I INVENTED the idea of having a network at SOUL level, that it starts BELOW that, though the light from Soul can blaze through the veils between soul and Mental level, and I said that I was glad to be verified that the SPECIFIC level differences are significant: the veils BETWEEN soul-mental, mental-emotional, emotional-perceptual, perceptual-human, human-creature body. These are called the vertical veils because they're between the frequencies on the vertical frequency axis, but they insist that I not overlook the horizontal veils obscuring MY unit from the OTHER units on the same level. I don't. Alice reports a GLOWING dome over the entire world, which is nice; Barbara says she's sure there are networks down to the organ and cell level and reported seeing the mental as a dot in the world-network, the world as a dot in the solar-network, and the sun a dot in the universe-network, or something, so she was REALLY out. Meg almost cries with emotion, Margaret keeps saying "fantastic," and Faye talks of the power while Marilyn talks of the completely new levels she's getting to. I kept my eyes open and had not much trouble with clarity, thanks to Dorothy's bodywork, and Meg's brushdown seemed effective, too, Rushed out.
DIARY 13943
1/14/79
ACTUALISM BODYWORKER'S COMMUNICATION SESSION
Starting from Linda there was Mara Alper, Michael Molthen, Bob Dukes, Elaine Hyams, Suzanne Hoberman, Bruce Lieber, Susan Lieber, George Pierson, Arthur Ellenbogen, Pat Mandino, Dorothy Hunter, Cathy Benson, Amy Fleetman, and me. Only two that I knew of who WEREN'T there were Dorothy Kent and Joan Ann de Mattia. Lea put in some dissociated and disjointed two centses. 1-3, 2-1, 3-4, 4-3, 5-2, 6-1 classes. Purpose: Union of bodyworker group. Comes up: Images of COMPETITION. E of P for group consciousness --- for love of creation. Reread the SHEETS, word for word, to get precision. Combo doers should STILL offer O-V and NSH. LIMIT TWO TRADES PER WEEK. PAYMENT from bodyworkers is OK. COUPLES are included in #2 as family. Keep word-for-word gatherings, as on sheet, RETURN to ONLY hands and feet, as on sheet. Do NOT lay papers on body and recite. If someone's spacing, unify with their awareness and pull it down. If not, say "Are you focused where I am?" and they'll get the point. Set up tool, move out for a moment in start of gathering, then move back into it at the end. Person has to move from center 2 to another center AFTER the gathering. Never tell bodyworkers what to do UNLESS they're hurting you or on a bone, you MAY remind them if they've missed something, or not. Saying "I'll report on your goods" will take you OUT of the session and keep you in your BRAIN. MAYBE it's best to relax and just ENJOY it. In response to "What did you find?" from student, say "What did YOU find?" Session is designed to bring them more in touch with their own creations. Try communicating with your POLES that you're not OPEN to question --- at end, TELL them to look inside. Lea: "If you eliminate by burping, try to STRUCTURE the burps so that it's not DISGUSTING." You can activate their worthless images no end. For those who are ticklish, go in with magnetic and say it's OK, I'm not tickling. Inner work to attract bodies: UNIFY with those Immortals that need bodywork that aren't GETTING it. Become available in consciousness. Going OUT for sessions, you NEVER know what you'll find in the room or in the situation. To burpers: "Try to concentrate and open your feet and hands and the FIRES to eliminate. Your PHYSICAL body doesn't have to process it --- let it float into the field and process it THERE." Then Michael Molthen got on the table for a demo, and I have to leave, but it was a nice gathering; I'd had sessions with all but 3: Suzanne Hoberman, Michael Molthen and Elaine Hyams, out of 17 in all!
DIARY 13949
1/16/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON BOB DUKES
He's lying on top the blanket even though it's coolish in the room, though he hums with pleasure when the heater-heat hits him, and I almost forget the gathering in looking down at his shapely body. Start in on the neck, going fairly heavily because I'd think he'd want me to, and it's speechless until I hit the middle of the left back, when he says I could go harder. I bear down more and when I get to his buttocks I'm again amazed how SOLID and ROUNDED they are, so I tend to go lighter, but then along the back he says "You can bear down more there, too," and I really push him to the side. When I do the brushdown his feet are cold, so I suggest I could cover them and he said he'd try it to see if it interfered with his elimination, and it didn't seem to. When I asked how his left side was, he thought and said, "I can feel the way the bones relate to each other in their structures and functions, feel lots more spaces and more facilities available," and I'm amazed at his definiteness, but just say "Good" and continue. DO bear down more on the other side, and he doesn't request more pressure until I get to the buttocks, and then I REALLY bear down, and he seems to like it. The middle of his right chest seemed very constricted, real BANDS of obstructions across the channels, and I can feel myself pushing them aside and going through them, and his expression changes not one bit. His chin is the highest-up of anyone's I've ever worked on, so there's no touching his face even though I'm REALLY bearing down on his trapezius, digging my toes into the rug to give me purchase from that angle, and feel quite alert with the Emerald Green, which feels new to me, and I'm consciously channeling it far more than I've done any other energy. Later, he said that it took him back to the mystical highs he had when he'd been in Basic, and he said that later he found that it was best to bring the energies down to EARTH them, rather than floating up to meet the energies, and I took his volubility as permission to ask some questions about his personal life (see DIARY 13950), which I'd been curious about before, and though he seemed somewhat reluctant, he talked readily enough, and I was fascinated by his calm blue-gray eyes.
DIARY 13957
1/18/79
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She's speechless until I get to the middle of the left spine, and she says she just spaced out completely when I got there last week and again this week, and it's not sore, but she just travels far away instantly. Odd. I go rather heavily around her buttocks, talking about how compact Bob Dukes is, and I feel along her sacrum and she verifies that's how Linda said it should be done. We laugh as I do the brushdown on her stockinged feet, and she doesn't need the blankets until the end, since the room is fairly hot, and then I cover her up and wonder if I shouldn't have put in the heater just to keep her warm. Then put it in early for ME. Since she said she LIKED the sessions, I saw no reason to entertain her with talk, and I complimented her on the choice of energy: Orange. Whenever any of my energies seem to have been ignored for awhile, someone will come along and request something in it, so it's very effective in working out unused energies. Her hands feel cold, but there are no shivers down her spine. There are obstructions on her dynamic, which is interesting, since she said she was working with the orange to work on her dynamic, and we're working in Cosmic Father in the classes, too! There are actual BANDS across the top of her buttocks, making the movement along the sacrum difficult, and she says I can bear down harder, and again harder, that it's just at the border of pain, but it feels good to help them get broken up. She only faintly hums once to give me an impression that she likes it, and without saying anything there's nothing much to report, except that we both said that it would be just AWFUL if Actualism and its energies actually WORKED, because then we'd be so WRONG to have thought it was only an invention for so long. Again, this evening she came up with a great report about how clear things got at the end of the class after having been foggy at the start (soupy, not foggy), and she said that things seemed to be moving along. Our brushdowns seemed very affectionate, and Dennis even inquired why I was so adamant about NOT believing that she actually liked exchanging body sessions with me every week. Maybe that'll flatten out in time.
DIARY 13958
1/18/79
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY HUNTER
I'm sort of chilly when I get on the table, but the blankets warm things up and she's run hot water over Arthur's green stuff, and in the middle of my left side she takes my advice and puts the bottle on the stove's pilot light to warm up for the front, since I shivered just a bit as she put it on my back, wincing as she seemed to be dribbling it on the sheet, and then covering me up quickly before it had time to dry. She remarked that when SHE was having trouble with her hip, she COMPLETELY left the hip section out of a person she was doing, so she warned me to watch, and at the end I could congratulate her for doing both hips. She didn't seem to have any trouble with my chin, but there were times she seemed to be bearing down on my spine, where I couldn't feel anything in particular, where I suppose she sensed there were loads. She said there was time, but in the end there wasn't, and when she pressed down on my belly I said there were now THREE reasons to cut short my assimilation: I have to finish the index, have to leave soon, and have to urinate. Sniffled a few times on the table, and by now it seems official that I have a cold, which is depressing, but I try not to let it keep me down. Which probably makes the cold worse. She goes fairly lightly all around, since the vibrator growls when she presses too hard, and she told about starting someone who complained until she merely rested the vibrator's own weight on her body. We've come far! She doesn't like the cord over my body, and I mention my thoughts about electric blankets, and she agrees that there might be something wrong with them, but that she's never heard anything about it. She has some few troubles with my plug on the wall, but I changed it from the plug that already got too hot from the space heater, and she had to walk it around the table a few times to keep me from feeling the wire. She found my feet cold and seemed to press down on the toes more than usual, and rushed through the final face manipulations a bit, which was too bad, since I think they're the best of the lot, and probably only optional. What a pity I can't schedule body sessions regularly here during the afternoon because of the lack of heat!
DIARY 13959
1/18/79
ACTUALISM 2AD #6
Winston rushes from the ending-first class downstairs to the starting-second class upstairs, and the pressure does wonders for his patter: he starts by saying that the Creator and Created are EQUAL, not one over the other, and that bring in a lot of IDENTITY through the session: when he said for YOU to live the low frequencies, it was ME, not something supra-me, that seemed to be able to lift them. He sort of insisted on DOING it, rather than thinking about doing it, worrying about doing it, and thinking that you won't be able to do it. When he talked of uplifting, it was from a JOY of uplifting, not from the "Oh, God, are we STILL having to uplift?" Part of the ceiling fell as he talked, and I was impressed. Wide awake, I sat with my eyes open much of the time, and when I succumbed to closing them, I could quickly feel my head nodding out, so I opened them again, pressed back my eyebrows, and listened to the next part of the patter. I felt like I was being more DYNAMIC, that there was more CONTROL I could exercise over how I felt, despite the cold that I felt was coming, and that I didn't NEED to suffer or squirm or remain depressed. It fit in with what I wanted to do through these days: get caught up and begin to be more FREE and PLEASED. Remarks about the session were uniformly positive: soupy though the start may have been for Dorothy and Faye, the ending was clear. Alice talked about global uplifting and glorious positivity almost like a revivalist preacher, talking about the reason Christ came into the world: "As I am uplifted, so shall all ye be uplifted," and smiling platitudes. Atarah joined the group, looking rather dark, talking in that overly modulated gruff voice that opera singers seem to have, but she said she felt part of the group: interesting: while the other groups seems to be dwindling, ours is actually GROWING. No class next week, I should cancel my makeup as soon as I know I won't be needing it, and everyone is wished a good time. While waiting downstairs Linda came out and TOLD me that I was only one of 2 or 3 who wanted an O-V session, so it would be awhile, while the NSH might not even have enough to start a class, so at least there's a REASON and she's keeping me in MIND for the next class.
DIARY 13993
1/20/79
ACTUALISM NHS BY BRUCE LIEBER
He says I'm "charged" and I say "I have a lot to do today, so I HAVE to be charged." I say I want to work in red, and he phumphers, saying he thought I'd be working in CF, but I say I want the red to counteract the orange I had all day Wednesday with Dorothy. I get on the table and he seems to be putting more than the usual number of different words into the gathering, but I don't say anything. Then he gets into the neck with good pressure, and along the upper trapezius I say he can go harder, but it seems that he needs to cut his nails for the spinal spurs. His pressure feels VERY needed on the inside of the neck, and I grunt, he says "Comment?" and I say "That felt as if I needed it." He forgets to do the second beam down the left arm, and I figure if he misses it on the right I'll tell him about it, but he doesn't miss it. Maybe he was aware of it as he did the brushdowns, since he did four. In the heart center on the left I tell him he has to go a bit easier, and the rest of the left spine is OK, but he seems to be doing some sort of strange CROSSING motions around the sacrum and hip, which rather hurt, but I figure he'll be caught on the T&R (which, sadly, I think he just HAD!). I asked for some toilet paper for my nose, and he said, "OK, so long as it's for your NOSE." Then he did about 6 passes along the hamstrings, getting farther down toward the crotch than anyone since Dorothy Kent. On the right he REALLY laid into my spine, and he kept PULLING aside my muscle, and he said "What does that feel like?" and I say "It feels like I'm a bass fiddle and you're plucking me, p-TUNG." He doesn't know what to do, and afterward I say "I would have CRUSHED down, rather than pulled it over," and he indicated it was appropriate that I didn't say anything to him then, since he was busily processing something. He went quickly, which was good, and then wanted handwork on his head, which felt HOT when I did it, and I was chagrined when he said it was the pattern taught in basic, and then when he did it to me, I was reminded that the hands pressed IN for a moment before releasing the loads to the field, and I guess I'll have to go back and review that for myself. Delightful time with him, though, and we hugged nicely when he left at 2, having come in when Dennis was here, leaving after Andre came, so everyone knows JUST how busy I am.
DIARY 14000
1/27/79
ACTUALISM BOB DUKES DOES O-V
He's moved his furniture around, and he says he did it just yesterday, and it's a kick AFTERWARD to see him stuffing the mattress under a sofa and folding the table and putting it behind a chest of drawers. He's gotten rid of an old desk I'd said I'd ask Dennis about but I'd forgotten, and gotten in a new blond-wood folding one that's quite elegant, and he makes me tea from his kitchen which looks odd: he's taken off the cabinet doors since they just get in the way and he bumps his head on them. Finish the tea and get onto the table, after convincing him I won't mind if he uses the sheets and does an O-V on me rather than a NHS, and he takes a long time between exercises, taking about 1.5 hours in all, and after he finishes my left calf he asks "Are you with me?" and I say I am, but then realize that he DID my left calf, which I didn't feel, and wasn't going to get to it AFTER my right thigh, but had gotten there before. I feel very self-conscious about the pimple I squeezed on my back in the shower, but he doesn't seem to wince at anything, and goes methodically over my body with a rather light touch; I don't think he's using the vibrator as hard as Dorothy does, but then down at the feet he starts pressing just a bit harder than he did before and it goes into the angry "braaat" which happens when too much pressure's applied. He says he enjoyed it, walks me down to the door and outside "to see what the weather's like" but I still think it's only so he won't have to hug me: we shake hands and leave, still enamored of his gray, steady, white-ringed eyes of youth. He seems to work industriously enough, but with a complete lack of conversation I don't really know if it's worthwhile to try to keep him as a steady exchange, but it turns out he's still a LOT better than Pat Mandino, on Friday, and even better than Bruce when it comes to attractiveness, but he just seems so PLACID that I can't imagine ever getting a rise out of him, though I say something about Dorothy not trading with anyone, "Like I can't see a guy going to bed with a virgin and being told he's the best in the world if there wasn't anyone to compare him with," and he sort of blushes and doesn't follow up on the sexual slant of the talk AT ALL. Wish I knew what he THOUGHT about sex!
DIARY 14002
1/27/79
ACTUALISM THYROID SURGERY WITH ALICE
I'm there at 12:55, raving about the look of the reception area to a glowing Lea (whose rates show she's ABOVE Linda, in fact a Staff Instructor as opposed to Linda's position as Associate Staff Instructor), and Alice's on the phone with someone with a vaginal tumor who's requesting surgery, and she talks until 1:10 then says she HAS to get to me, and I'm into the group room, which I say looks like it's "some form of transportation," and she said someone else had said it looked like a SPACESHIP. She says I can sit where I want, and she draws the chair up in front of the seat "that was pointing to me" and I like the firmness of the stuffing, the warmth of the room, and the thick rug feels like a whole energy blanket, which is nice, except that in the middle the heat goes off and I can hear voices through the vents. But for the REST of it, the session is DYNAMITE! She gathers and PARTICULARLY emphasizes the Planetary Hierarchy: "Welcoming in the other immortals from the Planetary Hierarchy who ACTUALLY DO come in to join with us to assist at the surgery, which is a measure of your advancement on the path, now that you're into Second Advanced," and I'm very touched with the PERSONALNESS of this, and the IMMANENCE of these beings she's talking about (not the PRESENCE of them, which I don't sense, but the INSISTENCE and the SURENESS of her mentioning the people there), and I start to tear, and when she finishes the gathering I TELL her "I was very moved," and she jumps right in and says "I noticed that, and it's good that you SAID that, because it means that you're COOPERATING with the process and OPENING YOURSELF more and more to the higher." I'm touched again, and reach for more tissues, I say something about how this is as I would WANT it to be, and she says that the whole THING had been designed before, that we'd AGREED to get together to do this work, and I said that I'd REALLY felt that with the bodyworker's meeting, where what was said was JUST what I wanted to hear: restricting the trades to 2/week, and she AGAIN complimented me on my perception, by readiness for the work, the eagerness she felt coming from me, and my new awarenesses and sensitivities. I REALLY zoomed along, with a GREAT floating feeling of joy inside me, and I REMARKED about how I felt: "I get this upwelling of joy, but then it turns to sadness, and I look at that, and feel so good about the SUPPORT to look at it that I get another surge of joy, which in turn goes to sadness." She talks of the appropriateness of this all happening with the thyroids, which, like the parathyroids, act as bridges bringing the higher closer to the lower (which was the tack I took to get into the bodywork, which she praised me for getting so deeply and lovingly involved in---when I mentioned Linda's saying that she felt that I could have much MORE power coming through, Alice verified that and said that I just had to continue to earth as I'd been doing, and I'd be doing fine), and then I got up the courage (in fact, when I'd wanted to say something to Amy about something, and didn't, I got a slight headache, which went when I asked her; on WEDNESDAY night I was debating telling Andre about investing in the computer business and I got a slight headache and told him and it went very well, and NOW I think about bringing up the "hidden" secret and get a headache when I RESIST saying it, so I decide to bring THAT UP) to tell her "about my deepest fantasy about Actualism, that all this about Incarnating Ego and Human Ego and the energies and the multidimensional levels---all of this is just a set of IMAGES over HERE (and I place a lump of images to my left, her right), to swing us, as one would swing a pendulum to the other side, away from the MASS MIND images (which came up VERY strongly when she said it was GOOD to get emotional, despite our mass-mind culturally-determined images that it's not GOOD to cry, not GOOD to touch and enjoy touching, not GOOD to indulge in the sensory and emotional qualities of living) which are all over HERE about being powerless and weak." Then I REALLY get the nerve: "And that the initiation to Fifth Advanced simply consists of saying *poof* BOTH of them are just images, here's what YOU are, here and now, and all that YOU have, and it's all ACTUAL, and NONE of these images is real." Well, Alice spreads her legs WIDE apart and BOUNCES upright in her seat, smiling, "Well, Bob, I can't say that you're wrong with that; in fact, you're RIGHT with all that, but you have to work with where you are RIGHT now, and not care too much about what's going to happen in the future." Though she didn't SAY it, I got a sense that THIS, TOO, would NOT be something I'd talk about lightly with others in the work behind me, or even ahead of me, and that she was confiding in me, supporting me, willing to let me tell her my images about the work, and wanting to let me know that ANYTHING I did was all right with her, no judgementalism, though at SOME times she DID say "Well, Bob, THAT'S an image," about something that tended to SEPARATE me from the people around me, and she talked about LOVING them more, about how we were ACTIVELY involved in moving the world to an ACTUAL better place, and WE WERE HAVING EFFECT, too, though it would be a long time before it would become apparent, and I remember now she really DID seem to want me to attend the talk by the guy from Texas about Earth Point, seeming to address me DIRECTLY when she said "It's not only for those who WANT to work with it, but for those who might just be CURIOUS about it," and made sure that I could come, and made sure I had a surgery in her next blank space, which might have been slightly before I would have wanted it: February 3. Also, forgot the whole thing of "Put your magnetic VERTICALLY, and the idea of siphoning it UP (rather than to the left) is so new and I say so, and she says to watch images---it's an all AROUND bit of HIGHER FREQUENCY, not only "up." I say I'd gotten "Sense" that the WHOLE dynamic was a SPHERE and the WHOLE magnetic was a sphere and she congratulated me greatly. At some point she said "We've got 15 minutes to finish with all this," and we were silent for awhile, and I was using one set of tissues for my tears and another for my snot, and I said "I like the beard, but sometimes it sure gets MESSY," and she didn't say anything, but I could feel my stomach gurgling and my farts were silent but potent, but I think I smelled something from her, and she was belching away and laughing alternately, and it was a FABULOUS session, leaving me feeling ELEVATED, though she looked down to my left side before I left and said "With all this running around (scheduling), you're not doing a lot of assimilating," and I sat outside and sort of ABSORBED from 2:40-3, while she started with Kate Lieber, and I felt GREAT and RECUPERATING from the surgery, having TOLD her that it made up for a LOT of classes and surgeries where I thought nothing was happening, and she slapped me on the knee just before she left, and it was one of the BEST sessions EVER!
