Actualism notes
DIARY 11909
5/6/77
ACTUALISM PRACTICE OF 5/6/7
Sit just about 9 am, remembering the calm and ease of practice that came last night about midnight, the tranquility of brain that let the whole practice cycle in about 40 minutes, and I thought and let the brain-mind merge with enlightened awareness and got whole floods of thought. One TANGIBLE remnant of thought is that the going to center 2, bringing the star down to center 9, and then going up and to the sides to form the sigil---that's VERY like the Christian SIGN OF THE CROSS, and it's much the same image: a sign that serves as armor to ward off the scattering (both of brain in random thought and of body in physical combat) forces of "outside" energies. Then I get into the thoughts that my BRAIN is being forcibly subdued by my immortal, that this might be harmful and dangerous. In fact, I even get the image of the formation of brain tumors in this way: thoughts come up that are not processed, and the POSSIBLE PARALLELS BETWEEN THE MIND AND THE BODY become very strong: when a body is over-exercised it becomes muscle-bound; when my brain-mind is constantly working, puzzling, worrying, dipping into the past and making nonsensical resolutions about the future (to write, to work, to cut down on entertainments, to exercise), IT becomes muscle-bound, but then the possible damage would be analogous to putting a TOURNIQUET on a piece of muscle: when nourishing blood is cut off from a muscle, it becomes gangrenous and dies (because it's outside and can slough off), whereas the brain, being inside, experiencing cutoff would only encapsulate itself in an inner gangrene which becomes a proliferating tumor. Then I proceeded to the typical sets of thoughts that 1) I'm not going to continue in Actualism, 2) I'm making good progress in Actualism, 3) that both are happening at the same time and I'm being PRESSED AGAINST THE WALL to come to some sort of crisis which will lead to a catastrophic resolution one way or another, and it's like my STRAINING toward orgasm: if I let it come simply, it's not terribly intense, but if I strain, and struggle, and tense, and contract my muscles and wet my fist and move my fingers strongly and get my thumb sore and my leg muscles cramped and my cock extraordinarily agitated, the orgasm is truly incomprehensibly far reaching: taking my brain and my body and my cock and my organs and my semen to places so far-out that I fear for physical damage. So with lightwork in Actualism: if I resist it enough (as I sort of resist orgasm when I strain---I know that but I strain anyway to build up the pressure: climb the higher mountain so that the leap into space can fall farther and faster: make the ascent steeper so that the altitude is higher, make the time longer so that the semen boils up stronger, more copiously, more tortuously---and grab the cock more strongly so that it really has to JET out to the point of possible tissue damage), if I build up the parallel pressures, tensions, fights, efforts, so the final breakthrough will be the more stupendous, the more thrilling, the more far reaching. So the PRESSING AGAINST THE WALL is actually STRENGTHENING the wall so that when I finally DO bring it down, get through it, it will be the STRONGEST possible wall so that the breakthrough is the MOST PRODUCTIVE, the most energizing, the most enlightening of them all. Augustine couldn't have been such a great saint had he not been such a great sinner. Winning a war is a much greater triumph if the nation which had originally been weaker wins. Reading the longer book is the greater feat, as is writing it. Records are set (and lists are written) about the extremes, and I must feel that I must be pushing toward one. But then a new LEVEL OF LET comes in: if to have an orgasm I have to believe I feel the sensations escalate when in fact I don't: I have to hold my breath, get red in the face, strain, pant, gasp, and thrash around to heighten the actual coming of these sensations as a herald of orgasm, I debate whether I should permit myself to FOOL MYSELF into the coming of enlightenment, to FALSELY produce images of light, sensations of floating out of my body, tingles of heat, blasts of brain energy in areas unknown, or even (as when listening to the tape on Monday) times of unawareness that are so uncharacteristic that I'm forced to admit that "something's happening here." But that adds a new level to the complexity of such experiences: let it go, make it come, PRETEND it's coming, "get" it, doubt that I got it, know that the doubt is wrong, doubt what went before, reach a new level to make what went before inconsequential, read something that implies all this is the first step, reach the next step, report progress, confess that I'm getting nowhere, realize that the worse I feel the better I'm doing ("You're really processing, aren't you, Bob?" as Bruce said during Monday's session, and a couple of times I thought I might "produce" (which adds the level of do I produce it or do they HEAR me (as in "Chocky," "Be QUIET, you're coming through so loudly that you're stopping our REGULAR work---and wouldn't it be a KICK if they called me and told me that?), and if they tell me about it would it blow my mind so much I'd slip back into nonwork, but if they DON'T tell me about it they'll be leaving it to tell me LATER, which would be a GAS, though if I'd advanced farther when they told me I'd have farther to possibly slip back, which is ANOTHER level) contact with them, balancing the feeling of UNWORTHINESS which must be there somewhere: I so much WANT to have these powers, but do I want them for the SAKE of having power for MYSELF, or do I want them for OTHERS, and I get a sensation during the "SAE" (Spiritual Atomic Explosion at the center of the earth) that MY explosion would have such effect on the "stuckness" of the world that people, at that moment, would look into the spring day, hear a bird singing, sense the cool freshness of the breeze, inhale the sweetness of the air, and feel better for it, and that would be GREAT! And in this connection I review the good saying "Not MY will, but thine be done," which sounds good to follow.), and finally sit down and type all this out, which is yet ANOTHER level atop the whole thing. Not to mention the typing levels of parentheses that took so much energy to balance above. Then I started floating through the dimensions and the idea of the NUMBERS of items on each level began to occupy my mind (while, hopefully, the immortal is doing what HE wants to do), and I start by thinking of adding powers of 10, but 10, 100, 1000, etc gets up to only 10,000,000 people on earth, and that doesn't fit. Then I go to powers of 100, squaring, but that quickly gets to numbers like 1064, which isn't much of anything (except possibly atoms of the universe---well, maybe it IS something: 100 (at level 6, "first differentiation" or qualities), 10,000 (at level 5, or angels), 100,000,000 (at level 4, or immortals), 10,000,000,000,000,000 (at level 3, or POSSIBLE minds, or present population for a million years), 1032 (at level 2, possible SENSATIONS), 1064 (compared with Gamow's estimate of 3 x 1074 atoms in the universe; at level 1, possible atoms), 10128 (at level 0, physical universe, the number of STATES of each atom at each second of time throughout eternity). But while practicing, it suddenly occurred to me that the number of angels at level 5 was 4, which would leave 2 for level 6, which makes marvelous sense because it's the concept of DUALITY: 2 IMPLIES hot/cold, large/small, in/out, time/no-time, this-way/ that-way, up/down, you/me, now/not-now, is/not-is, here/there, got-it/ain't-got-it. And it seems so NEAT: level 7 is the ineluctable ONE, which as est says isn't really anything, since there's nothing that isn't IT. Level 6, the archetypal, is 2, and what could be more archetypal than duality. Level 5 is 4, the 4 angels, and when I think they're also the four DIRECTIONS, implying 2 dimensions (north, east, south, west), I ALSO think of the nothingness contemplating itself (playing hide-and-seek with itself, as Watts puts it), producing from the shapeless-timeless-formless-limitless-DELIMITERLESS unity (as two cells magically appear from the perfect sphere of a single cell at the start of reproduction), 2, which MUST imply a dimension, and then for the two to "look at itself," and EACH create its own universe, the two must become 4, generating ANOTHER dimension. And I see a marvelous animated version of two shimmering platelets blebbing into 4, needing two dimensions to move in. Level 4 (the immortals, the soul) is then 16, which is a nice number of immortals: the kind-leader-father, the queen-receiver-mother, the prince-child-son, the princess-virgin-daughter, the wizard, the fool, the warrior, the student, for example, for the main octet, with other 8 from poet, explorer, mourner, list-keeper, slave, wrongdoer, joker, deceiver, priest, baby. Level 3 (the number of minds constant through time) is 256, OK. Level 2 (the number of emotional states) is 65,000, reasonable. Level 1 (the number of perceptual beings now) is 2,000,000,000, about right. Level 0 (the number of perceptual beings EVER---which implies beings on other worlds) is 1019, a nice number, too. But the numbers don't reflect the GOOD FEELINGS I had as I saw that the numbers agree with the levels, agree with the ideas I may have, ideas that others have had, ideas that SEEM so right, without taking away the idea that they're just products of the ONE looking at itself again and again, and when the dualities sink to unity in going from level 6 to level 7, I DO feel a momentary pleasurable cessation of thought, a resting in the Urground, a visit back "home" to relax, and I allow my eyes to actually perceive what looks to be Lumia-type shifting smoke wreaths of yellow-pink wisps of light, and I feel this is the "veil" beyond which I must penetrate (though typing about it makes it seem so SUBSTANTIAL, but it must be remembered that this was the most tenuous set of images), and I get some sense of what is usually said "If the experience burst on them completely, they'd be blasted and blinded and burnt to a char." And I got a sense of soothing protection from such blasts that did not remove their idea of power, and I remind myself NOW (not then, though a BIT of the shade of the thought was there) that I'm only a BEGINNING student, and if I have grandiose visions NOW, they couldn't get more grand, or they'd only be shown up as optimistic picture-painting, and even the PACE seems nice---though I realize how TEMPORARY this feeling of well-being may be. Also got a GREAT sense of the "rightness" of the three triangles that seemed so random and arbitrary before: the "lower" (though it would seem to be upper, though Actualism doesn't seem to hold much stock with "higher and lower," since the increasingly refined DIMENSIONS get higher numbers, but increasingly high chakra centers get LOWER numbers) triangle melds Strength (red-gold) to Wisdom (electric blue) to "support" the earthing of Higher Will, which is one of our missions, and I felt OK about supporting this mission, to everyone's benefit and not only my own (and this based on the "solar" plexus). Then the "higher" triangle weds the left hand of the physician (ruby red) (THROUGH the emotional center of the being, the heart) with the right hand of the physician (orange) (the nervous energy of the being) to support the production of Objective Creativity (of which I feel these pages are a product), even though the COLOR wedding of red, orange, and green seems to be more GARISH than anything else. Maybe we're SUPPOSED to find these colors garish, and rest more in the more "charming" red-gold/electric blue/royal purple triangle of "helping others." AS I WRITE this (and not as I was feeling it), it seems overwrought and somewhat silly---making too much out of too little, recording a moment of gladness with Actualism that I can fall back on when I start, as usual, thinking, "I'm not getting ANYTHING out of this," and I debate calling them and telling them about it, but IF what they say is true, they KNOW that I'm having a good time, so let the IMMORTALS bask in that, and let the beings-of-earth concern themselves with the problems of putting out the fires. There was also a nice sense of creativity that promised objective fulfillment. I'm actually looking forward to finishing the two indexes that I have, have had fun shopping for books, will look forward to shop for more, getting through the things on my list, and reading more books. I even feel good that Ms. Watson upstairs moves out VERY quickly in the morning, and even the shouts of the guys outside and the coos of the doves didn't disturb my session, and I'm hoping to have passed through the most sensitive part of the sessions and now can start building toward something better. But even as I write I can feel the resistance, the negativity, the questioning come up, and I should reread this NOW to see what I got from it, and then continue the day (up at 8:30 and it's already just past 11, and it's NICE to be able to take up a whole section of the day with something that's hardly NECESSARY in a financial way, but it's the sauce that makes life the more FUN, rather than something that HAS to be done.) with productivity. And 6 pages on one morning's practice is almost as much as a whole EST weekend.
DIARY 11924
5/11/77
ACTUALISM #18
Rebekah greets us after we holler in the hall a bit, and everyone's there again except Hazel: me, Malcolm, Tom, Jim, Dorothy, Rich, Marilyn, Nick, Michael, but Tom lights up in the room, which pisses me but I can't bring myself to say anything about it. Rebekah again starts with that smile, saying "This is going to be great," which is almost as bad as est's over-try. But the sigils sound JUST like what I needed at the movie this afternoon when the guy insisted on hooting at the Nureyev film until his friend decided to leave: I identify very fully with the Subjective sigil, getting a feeling of cool protection from the huge blue and purple wings on both sides of the body. I don't try to remember what colors they are, and at the end I say that my brain thinks up STORIES to link the colors of the TRIANGLES together, and it seems right to me, and Rebekah makes me happy when she says that they DO tend to downgrade the brain, but it's also a useful TOOL when enlightened by higher awareness, and she seemed to say that what I was getting was FINE as a help to earth it, and I felt good about that. But I DIDN'T feel good when she tried to elicit some feelings from the reversed Physician and Warrior sigils, and I felt absolutely NO difference. Liked when she answered Jim's question about "giving and getting" by saying you can give a gift by accepting someone's dinner at THEIR place, or by inviting them to YOUR place for dinner. That seemed to be a nice way of thinking about the differences and similarities between the magnetic and dynamic sides. After the break Michael authoritatively announced to Tom that the group had agreed to no smoking, and he said he didn't KNOW, and even Rebekah said it could get pretty bad. I'd phoned at 2:30 about an appointment with Lois, asked Rebekah about it, she said come over after and found a slot at 1 pm on Friday, which I got, and then Dorothy, asking just AFTER me, got onto a long WAITING list, and I felt good about THAT. Brushdowns left me with Rebekah, who was warmly enfolding while brushing, but she definitely let me understand that SHE didn't get brushed. She said something about "processing even in fourth advanced," so I guess she's THAT far, and I met Lois, cheery and warm, liking her ignoring of the bodywork, and Michael and Dorothy chatted with her and then agreed to see me at the Rolfing center tomorrow morning at 9:30. GREAT ALL ROUND.
DIARY 11926
5/11/77
FREE BODY SESSION WITH MICHAEL AND DOROTHY
They ask what wings I want to work in (what willing w's!), and remember only the subjective, so Dorothy and I take the subjective and Michael, the center of attention, takes the objective green-silver-gold (which seems VERY elegant!) and we go into it. Dorothy's hands on my shoulders are warm, which she says is very unusual, as Michael apologizes for his cold hands. He likes the way I stand, and goes through gently probing motions over most of the body. I relax nicely into it, Dorothy leaves to go to the john and comes back redolent of hand lotion, and when she puts her hands on my head I feel positively REGAL, being administered to, and when he works around the stomach I feel so grateful for Dennis's lovely breakfast of bread, omelet, and cantaloupe that I can FEEL myself glowing. They finish and I THINK they leave the room, but when I finally open my eyes (wanting to lie longer but thinking it would not be appropriate), I swing off the side of the bed with MICHAEL sitting there, and Dorothy's under a cover on the cot in the corner, and I hug both of them, thanking them hugely for what they've done, and everyone feels fine. They started late, at 9:45, while I read "Mote" and Michael asked me to tell him how I finally liked it, recommending "Oversoul 7," and Lou Epstein had been due in at 10:30, but he called saying he was still in Boston, so I had the time until 10:50, feeling VERY nice about it. The most effective manipulation was to reach under my skull and smooth out all the kinks, making my neck feel very long and erect, chin tucked into the back of the throat, and the same uncurling of the spine (which didn't have the same loading of the spine-work before, which is sad in that I liked the great feeling of warmth and pleasure of the tears, and glad in that I may have then processed whatever was IN that), and I lay there feeling LONG and lithe and limber and VERY good. Didn't mention that Dorothy's hands seemed to be "connected" to the WINGS from the lesson of the day before, and I was glad we waited for this lesson. Bruce just calls and says that his father was trying to get another slot with Lois but they didn't HAVE any, and it WAS against principles for Rebekah to give me the slot, so it must have been MEANT for me, and I feel a slight tingle of anticipation ALREADY for the session.
DIARY 11944
5/17/77
ACTUALISM #18.5
I'm almost late at 8:03, but almost no one's there, and Rebekah is bright about "Processing," having heard from Russell and Carol Ann that we have to more actively bring things up to be processed, and then she starts asking questions. "Images" I didn't understand until she says they're "Idealized Image, Hated Image, and Worthless Image," and I'm AGAIN amazed that I'd touched on that today: Marilyn asked how my day was, and I essentially said "worthless because I worked on stamps," and though they all supported me, I identified with the idea of worthless image for today. She took the Red-Gold sun into center 9, lit the sigil, expanded it, and then worked with it on the dynamic right, and when I experienced that in my field, it was as if a balloon expanded on the right and I was as lopsided as a Motie from the book I finished reading today (and told Michael about, as he'd asked). Then I sort of slept through working on the left in the magnetic, though the top was OK, and I felt the idea of a lift as we worked up there, didn't feel any surprise at the idea of working in the back, as Michael "felt a whole duplex part that I'd never lived in," and didn't react to the bottom, "where the flames of Christianity are." Malcolm asked lots of questions at the end that Tom and Rich and Nick (the idiot Three) seemed very uncomfortable during, and Marilyn got Rebekah to admit that the immortal HAS a sense of humor, and she giggled at almost anything. I mentioned the intense heat from inside, and the brightness of the light behind my closed eye(brows, as I said to Bruce)lids. Everyone paired off quickly and again Rebekah brushed me lovingly, and I went into the next room with her to ask about first advanced, and she said she'd announce everything to the group after she told me about it: a written paper of why we'd want to do it and why we thought we COULD, what we'd gotten so far, what we thought of it. No one to see it but instructors and people in "Hilltop." She told me about the group in Dallas that had been in Casey's ARE for a long time, then joined to BRING Actualism there, are now all in third advanced, all practicing teaching, were a very high group who gave their accent to Rebekah when she taught there. She said there's be a personal consultation as there was in the middle of basic, the paper, and then there'd be two actual INITIATION meetings after a layoff of a week or two as a vacation, and then we'd get into the lessons proper, in which there would be about one taped lesson to two verbal lessons, and I sort of didn't like that as much, saying that "each of the energies" would be gone into in detail, so if that's 11 energies (counting the red-gold), that would be 33 lessons, with maybe 5 orientation lessons to start with and maybe 5 more intensives every so often---8 to be symmetric with the 5 intensives in 20 lessons, to which should be added the 2 weeks' vacation, and it all comes to 33+8+5+2 or 48 weeks, with the 4 weeks off at Christmas, would come to 52 weeks, or "about a year" as Rebekah had it. So if I finish basic at the end of May, 1977, I should be finished with first advanced the end of May, 1978. But who knows---some of the people may drop out, we may have to delay to be melding with another group, and to START with the 9 we start with now (unless Hazel, who's taking individual lessons for awhile, and Matthew, who dropped back to review, will be joining us), I'm not confident that we'll stay up with the level of 7 needed to drop the sessions to $12.50. But the Monday night is VERY convenient, different from any other night, not conflicting with theater at all. And I look forward to being "initiated," as a step in the right direction, and we all smiled when Rebekah said that the farther advanced we get, the more we can churn up, the more we can process, the faster we can progress. I said that I liked the technique so much there should be a sheet on it, but she said that this was the first time, and that the technique was so simple we could use it. She said that ANY energy could be brought into center 9, WITHOUT the sigil (special with RG), and that each could be expanded IN their place, and then differentiated between the OC green in the throat CENTER and placing the LHP in the THROAT to cure something there, saying they were structurally different. Again it seemed that when I asked (as for the sheet last time), she gave the information to us ALL, so it seemed to make me feel better with her AND the group.
DIARY 11963
6/1/77
ACTUALISM #19
Jan and we wait for 15 minutes until the Blackburn pair arrive, Rebekah taking the money and making jokes about how SHE'S to blame for their being late (they get worse problems with Rolfing subjects), and then we're into the bedroom where Jan has been meditating, interrupted by my passing through for the bathroom to wash. Again it's very hot, and the tape of Russell this time has VERY long pauses on it, which even Jan will admit to, and he introduces us to the Human which brushes us down, and I don't feel anything at ALL until I go away for a bit to come back to hear about ANOTHER method of using the Breath of Life (though I'm happy that the quote is "Besides forming the mouth into a circle, putting the tongue to the back of the upper teeth ... " so that I at least know what I missed---but then it turns out that I FORGET that we used all three of the Warrior, Physician, and Subjective sigils to brush down with, though I realized that I'd heard them on the tape), and someone later shares something about "breathing through the feet" which I didn't hear, but when the Breath of Life goes down to the left foot I feel a tingle, and it's more distinct with the right foot, and JUST THEN Russell on the tape says "Your foot will start to tingle now," and I freak out with pleasure at a sensual verification of his lesson. But then the end of the tape seems VERY long in coming, and I fidget a bit, but not nearly as bad as others report doing. I've decided to start my report by saying "I have some good news and I have some bad news," and everyone laughs, but Jan doesn't seem to think that it's a terrible thing for me to have missed part of the tape, DESPITE that fact that this is the first session of the new sheetless series, so there's no way of CHECKING what part of the lesson I missed. But others report periods of unconsciousness too, and when I suggest that I hear the tape over, Jan mumbles something about my having gotten it on the inner, anyway, and I must be processing a lot with my human already, as usual making something that could be interpreted as a disaster into something like a triumph. Next week is the last lesson, and I dash out before anyone else has a chance to make a beeline for the door and head for the elevators.
DIARY 11968
6/4/77
ACTUALISM BRAIN SURGERY
Note on room 1615 that Lois is in 1614, and I find no one there, so I ring buzzer and she enters a minute later, smiling and cheerful, and gets a kick out of my entry story: old, old woman with black chaperone waiting for elevator, and they press 7 and I press 16. On getting out, the black woman turns to me and announced with a grand smile, "You're goin' up to GLORY!" I'm flabbergasted. Drink some water and clasp Lois with wet hands, which she doesn't mind, and then she ministers like a mother to make sure there's a pillow in the back of my chair, insists I take off my shoes and drags up a chair on which I can put my glasses and watch, announces that she "really gets into eliminating," and proceeds to gawk and awrk and humph-urp-BOOMPH through the session, saying that I should bring up any images I feel are ready to be processed. I start by feeling she'll do it TO me or FOR me, but when she humps, bumps, and farts through about 10 minutes without saying anything, I get the same realization I got in est and Rolfing and Actualism: we're in this TOGETHER! My first image is the one I got in Actualism on Monday, which I forgot to mention on DIARY 11963: the feeling I had when I had a fever in bed when I was a kid: floating alone in a dark room, I would hover closer and closer to a dark corner of the room which would seem to get LARGER as I drew closer and closer to it, as if I couldn't ever actually GET there, and felt a foreboding sense of mystery surrounding it. She readily explained that during illness I may have actually been in my HUMAN body which is sometimes detached from the physical body in illness, which explained my feeling of INCREASED SIZE, and that I wasn't happy about being "pressed back" or "squeezed back" into my smaller physical body---she even seemed to imply that I may have been close to death. I tried to come up with other images, but eventually the one that I most feared, which had come up first, had to be shared (she'd insisted I get to fear and anger, so here it was) about Werner's comment that we feared not so much that WE were being conned in something like est and Actualism, but that PEOPLE WOULD FIND OUT we'd been conned by them, which would bring up anger. Lois handled that as she handled all my comments, "Withdraw your identity from that (though I didn't know what she meant, the direction SEEMED clear enough, and I was afraid to ask for fear we'd had it in the lessons and I'd forgotten), and then concentrate in (either, opposite to where I'd just been) the forebrain or in the old brain and brain stem in the back of the brain. We were working with the Radiant Warrior throughout (so THAT was where I got the idea we'd worked with Radiant Warrior in one of the CLASSES!), flooding my brain with it and burning up whatever came up. I got into fear of loss of control through dentists (just merge with him (her)---her---and let your immortals handle what's going on, it'll be just fine), pilots of planes, and people sitting behind me rattling bracelets. "You have to let them have the right to do as they please," she said somewhat tartly, as if she might be someone who rattles bracelets in movies. I brought up the fear of having nothing to bring up, and later I read in "Nature of Personal Reality" that Seth doesn't think it's GOOD to go dredging into the past for a "reason" for something, that that just perpetuates the evil from that something. I got the same idea about Lois: maybe I HAD nothing to bring up, but she kept on talking about the cement and concrete under which we bury things, and whatever comes up should be processed to let the NEXT stuff come up. I felt that I'd chopped out the concrete during the LSD sessions, and there wasn't anything else to come up: talked about getting back with my father, how my mother took the news of my being gay, about my pleasures of life and how I didn't want to give them up, about how I feared growing old, AGAIN bringing up the old woman in the elevator, and she insisted, as did Seth, that older people can feel even BETTER than younger ones, and that one should LOOK FORWARD POSITIVELY to such adventures such as adding more years, and she seemed a good person to model oneself on. I went around with nothing much more, and she rather brusquely brushed me down---barely stooping to swipe at my thighs for the legwork---and said "You'll be one of the first ones in next year," which I thought was rather ominous, and then soaked in the Ruby Red for the rest of the day to "heal my lesions," which I was rather startled to hear I'd gotten. Felt, as I mentioned to Bruce the next day, rather more numbed than activated by it.
DIARY 11980
6/6/77
ACTUALISM #20
Bruce's taking the money for Rebekah, and she talks about healing with any of the energies, but as I'd started talking about my session with Lois, in which I'd been under anesthesia of the Ruby Red for the weekend, she decided to use the Ruby Red, making it perfect for Malcolm who had Lois at 5 that Friday, too. She asks it to manifest in the forebrain, in the old brain, then to cover the whole brain, and then gradually extend downward through all the centers as described on the sheet that I'd done the next day just to REMEMBER what to do. Things went fairly easily, but I felt some lack of connection in the entrails region, which she said was a good sign of misalignment of the physical body with the human body; I said that I stayed awake during the Breath of Life, but during the break said that my mouth got very dry and she didn't pick up on it. Later I said I had trouble breathing through my mouth all the time, and she said "How do you do that, breath through your nose," and I again felt a twinge of resentment at the lack of skill of Jan, and a feeling of ease with something that I thought it would be impossible to grow accustomed to. But OTHERS said they'd thought it had to be through the mouth, so I wasn't the only one. They scheduled the counseling sessions for the next week, and she seemed not to want to take me first, and at first signed me up for 8:15 and then asked me to move to 7:45 for Michael to take the later one, for which he thanked me. I hadn't washed my hair, but because of my report with work from Lois, he said I looked great and I thanked him. Nick wasn't there, Tom reported marvels, and again I asked Dorothy to brush her down and she loved it. Then June 20 is said to be the initiation, though Bruce said he didn't think that was it, but that he shouldn't talk since they WERE changing things: there's not even any restriction on initial use of Radiant Warrior, since the itching and scratching from overuse seems to have vanished, and I might not even get the intestinal problems that everyone seemed to have gotten when they reached a certain stage of first advanced, and maybe THAT'S why I'm going through so calmly, things are changing on earth which makes it easier to get into mysticism. Let's hope so.
DIARY 12028
6/21/77
ACTUALISM ADV #1
Malcolm looks thinner-faced and less exuberantly grinning through the lesson. Jim is much quieter, shorter hair, not quite so callow, feeling more at home. Dorothy is wearing earrings and a flowery tunic that looks smilingly pregnant. Michael is letting his hair grow, has some tan, so his face looks softer. Rich smiles at me, but insists that Nick brush him down; lots of unconsciousness. Marilyn keeps butting into other people's reports, trying to make contact anywhere. Nick's tanned and tired from a weekend of canoeing, but at least he talks to me. I make up the 8th, precisely the 5-6 men, 2 women I'd requested in Lesson 1. Jan may be sitting in for Tom, so there may be 9 or us in all, which would be nice. Bruce calls on Dorothy once and smiles when Jim says he raised his voice and brought his back, but neither of them pushes it. Bruce's slip of the tongue with "Fire Breath" sounded quite intriguing. Jan said it started out just fine, but then the heavies came in. When asked to report, I said it seemed like "a lot," but that the gold and silver beams seemed almost like solid BARS, which was more solid then I'd ever experience any of the energies. Michael reported visualizing a vast HALL filled with Immortals, and Bruce thanked him for tuning in to the Inner, and seeing what was actually happening there. I had troubles with "breathing through the beams" and finally got the idea of exhaling and sending the breath out to the end of the beam at the end of the field, and then inhaling the breath back in, though Bruce cautioned that it not be a slurpy, artificial thing, that it would become more natural. I noted that my tongue tended to circularize and touch ALL the top teeth, and had other questions: 2) back beam goes through SEAT while down beam goes out of feet?, (HIGHER, as in early handwork) (down axis between feet) 3) what is relationship to Human Body head-top and Center 2?, 4) Is Tom with us?, 5) Fifth Kingdom is completely in 0 Dimension Time-Space (for now, yes)? Bruce again says that the Brain-Mind will be bothering us, but we should just relax and let it flow over us, but I get slightly annoyed when his instructions don't seem to be clear enough on ANY level. I brush down Malcolm, mention Michael's new softness to him, and chat with Nick for the first time, saying he's tending to be like Bruce Lieber, and he seems not to like that at all.
DIARY 12045
6/26/77
INTERVIEW WITH REBEKAH AT ACTUALISM
She asks me into the bedroom and sits me down facing the bright window and asks if I have any questions. She thought she didn't have my letter (though I saw it as I was leaving, in her folder, and she laughed distractedly), so she read the copy I'd brought with me, in case, and she loved the fun and humor of it. I said that ANYTHING would have to be light after talking about Bruce Lieber, and she sort of shook her head about him and we went on to say that Actualism HAS entered the New Age already, and things are ALREADY becoming much lighter. She mentioned that we didn't have to worry about overdoing Radiant Warrior at the beginning anymore, that some shortcuts could be built into the program, and that you even HAD to go into teaching before you could get to 4th advanced, which wasn't the case anymore. I mentioned the grass smoking and the irony of Dennis being told last week that he shouldn't smoke just before a singing lesson, and we laughed about that. I said that I wanted something stronger, and she said that I had to take on more responsibilities both for myself AND for the outside world now that I was getting into advanced. "Teachers aren't going to say, 'You have to do your lightwork,' but it'll be clear about where you are." I say that I usually only concentrate on the ones that seemed difficult, and she said that was fine, since most tended to slough off on what they found HARDEST, but I said it was easiest to AVOID that which was easiest. I needed my time for other things. Told her about my writing, and she ventured that Advanced would be a very good time for my creative powers, and I hope she's right. Told her about my mother's actions at the funeral, talked of a few other things, but she seemed to be in a hurry to rush me out, and at one point she DID say, "You HAVE been accepted into First Advanced," and I felt pleased, but she never gave off the vibrations that she'd want to be hugged. Jan was outside when we came out, and I'd forgotten my book, I found at the elevator, so I had to go back for that. While waiting, read the Indian book about the boy fitted out to be an arrow shot to the sun, from whence he was returned transformed, and thought it was great in content AND in style.
DIARY 12064
6/28/77
BODY SESSION WITH BRUCE LIEBER
He constructs a bed from his kitchen table, a long board, and a foam cushion, and I strip to shorts and lay on stomach as he comes over with trembling hands on my head and tail (after we'd taken a LONG time discussing using the hierarchy, but he decided to use it only where I HAD used it, so we end up using the Cosmic Mother, yet I didn't get much of a sense of ANYTHING being used), and very stiltedly and loudly pronounces the words of melding and radiant awareness. Then he gets the vibrator, but he uses no oil on my body at all, which may explain why it feels to be somewhat rubbing some of the time. He tends to bear down a bit too firmly in some places, and in others it's obvious that he's supposed to bear lightly, THEN bear down; then lightly, THEN bear down, and the patterns of his bearing down become almost laughably predictable. Get the same urge to cough when he's working at the back of the chest, but I don't feel any particular activations and don't feel any energy either used by me to go along with him or to fight him. He has his shirt off and later I see to my surprise that he has a rather NICE body: well defined pectorals, rather fine pink skin, and not at all the puffy waist I would have thought he would have had. But the massage didn't go very deeply, I didn't feel that I had to loosen up for him to do what came next, and I'm sure I still had a lot of resistance to the idea of Actualism "demanding" that bodywork be done, since it was so expensive, even though this WAS only $2.50 since he was just starting, though in a week he could raise the price to $3. His brushdowns seemed very thorough, but he didn't have the niceness and preciseness of working around each fingertip and toe tip that Rebekah had, nor did he seem to be into the FEEL of where the lines of muscles went: I could even hear the rustling of a paper as he followed the diagrams he was given. On the back he did even less around the waist and groin than I remember Rebekah doing, but it's so determinedly anti-sexual that it's hard to remember from one time to another. Well, anyway, he was my second one, and maybe I'll be trying some of the others from the list posted at Star Center for more.
DIARY 12076
6/29/77
ACTUALISM ADV. #2
Rebekah announces that, in fact, Tom HAS dropped out of Actualism for a time, and that Malcolm won't be here tonight, so the group is reduced to seven, and afterwards Marilyn DOES brushdown Rebekah. I ask about my six-week's vacation and she says it wouldn't be possible to go for more than three weeks and stay in the same group, but I'd have to make up classes before and after, and it would be difficult unless I schedule it around our coming three-weeks-on and one-week-off schedule, as well as switching to Wednesdays to meld with the group just ahead of us, who will be auditing for a couple of weeks with us and then we'll have caught up with where they are now. It seems to be largely a female group, so here comes Maureen! She starts with a MARVELOUS description of how our nerve endings should "turn inward" so that we're more responsive to the higher inner frequencies than to the lower outer frequencies, and when afterward I say how great I think that was and Michael repeats me in different words, Rebekah SAYS that that was what I'd said. I ask her to "tell me that I don't have to strain in using the tongue, that it's more of a position than a push," and she tells me that, and I turn to the class with glee and say "See, she did it." She loudly called Rich's name, and Nick was exhausted again but felt better at the end, and Michael turned to me and asked to share the final brushdown. We didn't start the oration until 8:30 and it lasted a whole hour, until 9:30, and then there were lots of questions by EVERYBODY, so it went on until after 10. So again we have a week away, the next class on July 13, and I'm to ask her in the middle of August what the schedule is for September and October so that I can see where our free week then will fall. She even announced that there were 140 people IN Actualism (though if there are 16 in Second Advanced, 32 at MOST in First Advanced, that leaves 92 in Basic, but every five weeks gives at most 6 classes, and 15/class sounds VERY high, so I don't know where the 140 are), and that second advanced meets only every OTHER week since there's so much assimilation necessary for EACH lesson, which is much more powerful than before.
DIARY 12081
6/29/77
NARROWING QUESTIONS OF IMPORTANCE
I keep returning to the same topics, so let's summarize them in questions:
1) Do I continue to ABSORB ENTERTAINMENT or begin to GET WRITING PUBLISHED? Of course, as in diary 12080, I could do BOTH, since the latter needs not EXCLUDE the former.
2) Do I continue to ACT FOR MYSELF ALONE or begin to ACT FOR OTHERS? I was tempted to add "AS WELL" to the end, which would encompass writing. This question may narrow in the future to something like "Is writing ACTUALLY doing something for others," but I don't think I'm nearly ready to tackle that yet.
3) Do I continue to FRUSTRATE MYSELF BY JUDGING or STOP JUDGING? This seems to be the most existential one: as long as I DO judge, I will frustrate myself. It's only when I can PASS one of these "heartbreakers" on the street and NOT react in judgment of their beauty, that I WILL HAVE ALREADY CHANGED.
4) Do I continue with ACTUALISM or do I get out of it? It seems now that I can continue with it: I survived the getting off grass, which ended up being good for me, and I THINK I can survive the three-week vacation restriction (though I haven't talked to Dennis about it yet), but if there were THESE TWO BIGGIES, there will probably be more as things get rougher, and I'm even QUESTIONING why things should get ROUGHER, though that's obviously only Bruce's picture of it, as we talked about the whole thing (see DIARY 12082). Doing more bodywork seems unpleasant now, but I'm willing to continue as I have in the past: when I think I need it, I go into it; when I don't think I need, it, I don't do it. Though I can't get over the feeling of resentment that it could cost TWICE as much for going through it as they announced during the intro, as Dennis would be quick to point out.
5) Do I continue to THINK OF MYSELF AS AGING, GETTING WORSE, or can I make the turnaround with exercising to get to the point where I feel happy with my midriff (and why was my upper left thigh twitching just now? And again?)? But at least I'm WORKING on that by having done exercising for 4 days in a row for the first time in 7 weeks. There may be other questions, but thank goodness they start to look trivial when I sort of exhaust them in three, stretch through with five, and feel that I've finished with them now.
DIARY 12082
6/29/77
TALK WITH BRUCE LIEBER
I phone him about 2:55 and we talk until about 3:30, mainly about my narrowing questions of importance (see DIARY 12081), but also about the Actualism population, which Rebekah said stood at 140, and mentioned that there were 20 teachers meeting with Russell in California, and a new wave coming soon. Bruce tended to describe the groups by who he knew to be in them:
1. George Peason's group, with Valda Wells, of 16 people in two groups who were about 1/2 done with Second Advanced, which is now reported to take one year.
2. Group of 12-14 who are just now going into Second Advanced; he doesn't know them.
3. Bruce Lieber's and Neil Sendar's group of 14, with 8 more months to go in First Advanced, the combined product of MANY disintegrated earlier groups.
4. My group of 8, which will move to Wednesdays to be united with a group of 9 which includes Bruce's roommate Jim (who's moving to California, leaving Bruce to find a new place or to move into his sister's new house between 4th and 5th Avenues in Brooklyn that she just bought for $5,000 with an old couple paying $66/month on the top floor and a dynamite black man who "saw the energy he was using to light his food" who had been suing his sister and who was now friendly), Maureen Duffy and Faye Levy, Sylvan's wife, though Bruce said that both of them had changed considerably from when I knew them. SO THAT'S 61 STUDENTS IN VARIOUS LEVELS OF ADVANCED, and may be more taking private.
5. Bruce's sister's group of 12 which is coming into class 18.
6. About 10 in a group between that is working around class 14 or 15.
7. Bill Param's group that meets Monday at 6 pm which is up to class 11 of 10 people.
8. About 10 in a group after Bill, which would be around lesson 6.
9. Maybe a new group of about 10, just to give them leeway, starting lesson 1.
So that's a maximum of 53 students in basic, which would leave 26 taking private, or moving around, to make up the total of 140. Sounds reasonable. He also told me about the PELVIC UNLOADING, which is going through organs with light, no touching, that's a good way to get rid of sensitivities there, and he said Bruce SAW the debris from his, Bruce's been SEEING energies, and I ALMOST asked if that was the objective test to be passed before Second Advanced, but I said "I didn't think it was appropriate to say what Rebekah said to me," and he offered me a quarter and then 50 to tell him, and he DELIGHTED later in saying "I can't tell YOU."
DIARY 12106
7/4/77
HIGHER WILL AND EVER-NARROWING QUESTIONS
(Sort of an extension of DIARY 12081) The questions narrow even farther: I see the dichotomy between MY will and creativity versus a HIGHER will and creativity. This is an extension of 4) on the previous page. I "get" that I'm going to have a problem after being filled with the ideas that I should direct my own future and what I do (though I have to admit it's not doing very well in the area of publishing material that I've written), versus the subordinating myself to the HIGHER WILL that Actualism seems to be pushing. But that's never DIRECTED me to do anything that takes any time, except for the hour per day on the lightwork itself, so it's not really a conflict yet. I keep thinking of my interests versus the interests of others, which is 2) from before. I think of writing for myself versus writing for others. This could ALL be REVOLVED/MELDED by ACTIVELY REALIZING that "I" and "others" and "higher" are ALL ACTUALLY ONE, and that there is no conflict except that which I produce. But I have to do something. Well, DO it!
DIARY 12115
7/6/77
BODYWORK #2 WITH BRUCE LIEBER
Again the hassle about which energy to use: he's pushing for a sigil, I think the Higher Will is enough, so he says OK. I get a good feeling from being in it, even though I'd cautioned him that I've never had the sun in center 9 and the hierarchy in the sun's center before, but he says it's usual in bodywork and lets it go at that. I cooperate much more at the start, though I'm a bit put off when my mind wanders and I come up with some memory of Larry Ball and graduation from the University of Akron while he's working on my left bicep and he says he felt a load of sadness come up then. I'd been exercising, and he kept remarking that my thighs were tense, saying that, like him, he thought his small tight legs were the least loaded and best parts of him, but wait until First Advanced really gets into them legs! I start drifting off, and he tells me to put my attention into my left sole, which I do, and he contends that he saw the lack of attention there AND my attention when I put it there, and he keeps talking about seeing the energies, so I'm concluding that this is the test for getting out of first advanced and wonder when I'm going to see my first ones. We talk about how I'm looking forward to sensing things, and then he talks about being in DESPAIR, real -10, and I say I get into depression -3 a lot about people, and if three or four things happen in a day, I can go to -4 to -5, and if this goes for two or three days I can get to a -6 to -7, but NEVER to the point of saying "This is all lousy, I might as well die," which is the bit of Nirvana. I'd read him my "narrowing questions" and we came to the crux of me being others being the higher, and he says "So what?" and that IS, in fact, what it reduces to: now that you know it, there's the same "What are you going to do now?" question that was there BEFORE you knew it. We talk about the heat, he grins when he thinks I'll be getting into problems, doesn't think they'd let me audit a class with the group behind to see how it is to see if I'll take a 6-week vacation, and he says he couldn't be away from it for 6 weeks, though he decided the class WAS about 6 weeks behind. I say I have to see what MY group is like next Wednesday, gaining another whole group of people. Feel vaguely light-headed there, and light-bodied (light-weight, not light-bright) going down the street, and maybe bodywork IS the clue to getting more sensual with energies!
DIARY 12138
7/16/77
TALK WITH BRUCE ABOUT NARROWING
He say, as usual, that I look a lot different without once specifically mentioning my haircut, and his liver's acting up so strongly that he instructs me to feel that it's warmer than his other side. It may be, but it's more his imagination, I think, than anything in actuality or Actualism. (But when something happens to ME, of course I expect people to believe me exactly!) He's been processing a lot recently, having seen his sister's friend's (Albert) guru, who's this black lady married to a white man who lives on Prospect Park and who's at least a fourth-level initiate and freaks him out. I suggest that he's only right to be tempted since he's probably been into something new every six months since getting into the self-awareness business, and it would be unusual if he WEREN'T tempted by something new. He told Rebekah about her, and she says it's very interesting. Then out of the blue (and accurately, too) he suggests that he senses a tightness about the top of my throat and a wetness around the eyes as if I were about to burst into tears. This leads me to tell him that I've been having trouble with the Breath of Life, since my face shouldn't be so contorted nor my tongue so sore nor my throat so sore when I finish with it. I also say that I'd had great feelings of the potentiality of Actualism in uniting the three different kinds of thinking I knew to be true: he referred to the flower pot on the table (and I also mentioned the philosophy readings I was doing, coming up with Zolnerzak's Equivalent of Pascal's Wager: I can NEVER know anything with certainty; if this is true, well, I can never know anything with certainty. If this isn't true, that must mean that I know SOMETHING with certainty---either way, I win. Either I'm right or I KNOW something with certainty---if only the FACT that I don't know ANYTHING with certainty, which is of course a paradox.) From our SCIENTIFIC upbringing and objectivity, we know that the flowerpot isn't as solid as it looks: it's comprised of atoms that are mostly empty space. Experiments can be proved with this idea on this very flowerpot. But as a PRACTICAL person, I can put water in the flowerpot and not suspect that it's going to run through the holes in the atoms and ruin my table---or flow through the holes in the table and ruin the floor---but then it couldn't ruin the floor since water is mostly holes too. Then as a MYSTIC I know that the flowerpot and the water and the table and these words and the reader are all one; there is no time and space, and it's just mirrors reflecting mirrors. The practical is also the Zen and est type of person. Then we get into lots of est: my contention is that Werner even TREATS est as something for "people to get through," since he keeps saying in seminars "If you KNEW this, you wouldn't have to be here LISTENING to this, you could be having fun LIVING." I agree with this because I don't think Werner is that advanced, and worst of all, he SAYS that he's more advanced than he is, boxing himself in with his "If you're EVER enlightened, you've ALWAYS been enlightened and always WILL be enlightened, and don't need to GET enlightened," but all the while there's the sneaking suspicion that WERNER ERHARD doesn't think that WERNER ERHARD is enlightened at ALL. Bruce thinks that he IS enlightened, getting MORE enlightened all the time, gathering people around him who are FURTHERING him, and will continue to bring his advancement into est and it's a never-ending process. I say that I feel that Actualism offers MORE, since it SAYS it offers more, namely Enlightenment, where est only offers "getting on with it." Anyway, if I could live as if I knew ALL THREE OF THESE: the Zen, the scientific, and the mystical, WERE ALL THREE TRUE AT ALL TIMES, then things would be much grander, and I feel teary to think that all this could be happening around ME, and I'm grateful for it as I'm tearing with gratitude when I hear about the two-way interchange of love and gratitude between the Being of Light and the Personality. But I tell him that I feel good in Actualism because it seems to be LEADING into nice places: reading "Heaven and Hell," and being ABLE to think of myself as the abattoir-dweller who gets off on the physicality, and I tell BRUCE about my problems with beauty: I WANT attractive people and can't yet see the HUMAN to observe ITS attractiveness; I WANT immortality but can't yet see the immortality of Incarnating Ego; I WANT to write and feel myself clearing away layer after layer to get to it. I say that "problems" with Dennis seem so great because we don't HAVE problems, so we can niggle about the tiniest details to have something to talk about. I don't have problems in life so that I can ATTEND to these shifting bits of my own attitude about my own enlightenment and awareness. Now that I'm having trouble with the boredom (and Bruce suggests that I get an X-out to clear up the relationship lines between Creature Body, Human, and Field, reminding me of what it was he'd said before) of the lightwork, thinking it should have been rougher and maybe I should have some more outside sessions. Then recapitulated the grass-getting-off, though I STILL want it: as if Actualism said that I couldn't go snorkeling and I LOVE to snorkel; can't quite give them the authority to say that the way I smoke is wrong for ME; and Bruce suggests that I have a session with them to get all THIS said, along with my feelings of the "operating at the border" qualities of Jan, who seems to operate at capacity only when she's pushed to the wall, and since she's going to be an advanced teacher at the end of the year, she'll be BACK in our classes quickly. Now it's the bit about the three-week vacation, and how Dennis is complaining about THAT because there's nothing bigger to complain about, AND I think I must have told Dennis about the restriction sometime on Saturday, but I forgot to SAY it on Saturday. Anyway, Bruce says that I have a lot to talk with the teachers about, even the idea of sliding back another class, but he doesn't know exactly who's in MY class on Wednesday now, and I'll have to wait for that. He remarks that est ISN'T saying that this BODY is responsible for the universe, but I keep thinking that it IS saying that, and I believe it, egoistically, too! Talk about the idea of writing, too, and how much I want to do THAT, and go through all the typical questioning, and he says that I'm getting more like him, and I feel somewhat defensive and say that I at least enjoy things along the way, and he stops pressing the point that soon I'll be getting into great sets of problems that will have me changing my whole way of thinking about myself.
DIARY 12145
7/16/77
ACTUALISM ADVANCED #3
Malcolm greets me smilingly downstairs, saying it's at 8:15, and Matthew comes out from the 6 pm class, beaming, tanned, saying he loves it, and that there are only two classes left in basic, so I've missed repeating #18. Malcolm is calm about Wednesday, saying (only when I remind him) that Monday IS best for actors, but he'll worry about that when he gets an acting job. Michael and Dorothy walk up, Marilyn had been moodily eating in the corner restaurant and moodily passed without stopping for us. Malcolm knows some dynamite-looking guys, and I stared at the salmon-gold edging on sunset clouds at 8 just as Dennis noticed them from work, splendiferous. Up at 8:15 to find some people from Wednesday there, though Bruce said "Hi" first to me as I sailed bathroom-ward to wash my face and piss. Sat on sofa and watched the wrinkle-mouthed Richard sit next to me, tiny woman sit across, the large fellow make an ass of himself when he suggests someone ELSE move to the middle of the couch to leave more room for long feet, and Bruce delicately suggests that HE move, which he does. Jim, Bruce's roommate, and Maureen don't show up, and Bruce gives a bit about being on time and starts at 8:30 asking about vacation, saying they had a nice combination of rest and work. I say that my lightwork was awful boring, and he takes it in. He says "You need only ask once," to do anything, and I get a great feeling, and I understand the framework of working with the magnetic and dynamic aspects of each level, but when we get into it I'm terribly frustrated: I want to remember what he's just said, but while remembering, I miss what he's saying, and then to my chagrin I don't know where we are. Follow up a few random instructions, but I realize I don't know where things ARE, and brain-mind starts to panic, held in check ONLY by the idea that if I were in SERIOUS trouble Bruce would see it, and that SOMETHING inside probably knew better than I what was going on and it would all be OK. But fidgeted, wondered how I'd REMEMBER it all, and wished it to be over. Then at 9:30 the lights went out, Bruce steered us back to shore, and I looked out to see that ALL lights were out, took a drink of water, reported that I'd been tempted to PASS, and he said it sounded like I WAS processing something as I'd reported, glad that others thought it was GREAT, so I wasn't messing up anyone else's trip, glad that some had trouble with it, so I wasn't alone in that, and Bruce admitted it was a difficult lesson. He said I should call him in a few days, summarized the process, which I almost remembered, and then led the 22 in the two groups (Pam's basic next door) downstairs with Nick and me leading, out at 10:20.
DIARY 12150
7/16/77
LIGHTWORK INSIGHTS
I take about 45 minutes just to get through the first three steps because the insights come so thick and fast. I think about the Creature-Body Ego and its acronym CBE, and then notice that CB also stands for Citizens'-Band radio, and think of the Creature Body AS the equivalent of a CB radio; one that has very low power, limited usage both over time and distance, and very few capabilities because it's tied to one single user. However, the next step up (the Human) is the equivalent of a local station with dozens of people working for it, with programming that may extend through most of the hours of the night, BUT they may also be linked up with an overriding network (Incarnating Ego) that keeps track of everything over the whole country, through many changes of policies and principle handlers, and which can be drawn on if there's need for intensive coverage of some stupendous event. With this, I no longer feel that MY CB needs to do it all---it DOES have fewer capabilities, does NOT have to be perfect, does NOT have to live forever---the higher aspects can do all this. It may also be that my yen for CREATURE-BODY feelings will go when my BODY goes, though I'm still waiting for some of the goodies that the Human and IE are supposed to be able to appreciate. Maybe even my yen for BEAUTY will expand when I see the beauties attributed to the Human. Then go with Bruce's words, and MOVING WITH the Incarnating Ego seems to much more EVOCATIVE: first that there's something so knowing and powerful AS the IE that I can request piloting from, second that I CAN move with such a pilot AS a copilot. I definitely have the thought "This is so much reward for so little trouble" as tears go streaming down my cheeks at the intensity of my experience. Again, it doesn't really matter if this is all TRUE or not, even in the level of FANTASY and creature-feeling it's pleasant enough to continue with. On the one hand I feel comfortably SMALLER: I don't have to struggle so much, since there IS something bigger than I am to take care of things and make the BIG marks on the world---and of course that can only benefit my fear of death: since it IS surely only the death of CB, and if Swedenborg is already in 1877 saying that YOU create the heaven or the hell you end in, I'm willing in 1977 to agree with him AND with people like Seth that say it WITH him. Then I fantasize about Pope's astrology chart and then to think that my journal may be in some way acceptable to Actualism: and I fantasize their desiring a "Journal of a Lightworker" to be published from my notes, which would gain lots of attention for myself AND for Actualism, and if there's a better way of serving the movement, I surely can't think of it at the moment, unless I can quickly learn to levitate under constant control, as even TM can't seem to bring off. Then I get the idea that the White STAR REMAINS a star since it is still too distant, too removed, too out of our level, to let us come near enough so that it ceases being a point and turns into a sun, whereas our colored stars that BECOME suns are localized enough to be a part of our solar system, more accessible, nearer to us mystically. Remember that I had some other thoughts, taking up the 45 minutes---and the rest of the 15 minutes went easily enough, leading me to think that I was doing it right, but I can't remember them now. Remember getting quite a different feeling from Bruce's cautious "I'd ASK Incarnating Ego, not DIRECT it" puts the Incarnating Ego SEMANTICALLY on quite a different level. There are also touches of the possibility that I might begin identifying the "creature-body ego" as the "I" that writes these things---though I'm still rather far from sensing what the creature-body is feeling even though I'm working with it. Tried calling Bruce to tell him these things, and to ask him if the Incarnating Ego MOVES INTO the aspects of the field, the human, and the CB, and then MOVES BACK to the upper room to touch in, but when I called on Saturday, Jan answered, saying she wouldn't be able to answer any of my questions, and then when Bruce returned he has a session, so I was content to tell her that Bruce should be told that I'd come to great feelings on the session, particularly about the enlightening of the links between the Incarnating Ego, the Human Ego, and the Creature-Body Ego, and that things were going better for me. She sounded happy and said she'd pass on the message. I'd also wanted to talk to Bruce Lieber, but he called to say he'd be away for the weekend, and when I tried his number Saturday afternoon, there was no answer.
DIARY 12162
7/21/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #4
Will essentially repeat my report: I talk a long time because it's such a contrast to last week when I didn't remember anything: this was a great experience AND I can remember what happened. It started EARLY when, contrary to my PRIOR images of magnetic as a sphere sucking things out, like the pattern of an eye's iris, and the dynamic meticulously distributing this piece here and that piece there, Bruce said something (and it didn't matter what) that gave me the SWEEPING image of the magnetic being a huge sucking funnel or vortex that swirls contents into a point which is then transformed and almost EXPLODED out in a sweeping gesture of such great expanse that tears came to my eyes. The work with the concept-less Field went VERY well, and the tears came closer and closer, I had trouble breathing, but when I took deep breaths I came closer to crying (more on DIARY 12166), so I steered a narrow course between. The concept-filled work in the Human was much less effective, for that reason, and I was interested to see that I could observe that. The Creature Body was even more drastic: a nice comfortable amplitude for CB magnetic was matched by the Immortal's dynamic, but the CB dynamic was SO small and puny that I was amazed, and at that point Bruce said something about how the Immortal tailors its matching from either gently to in a flash, and I'd already noticed the gentility of the matching, so that was a verification. When we expanded back to Human and Field I gulped and sweated and sighed, reaching for the third tissue to wipe my eyes and blow my nose, feeling it inappropriate to weep ("Weeping with joy is always appropriate at Star Center," said Bruce with a smile, so now I know THAT'S OK!) and managed to make the break, feeling drained and exhilarated at the same time. It was an INTELLECTUAL treat, too, since it seemed that the verbiage was HIGHLY specific and HIGHLY coded, and yet I could follow it (reacting with pleasure when he said it was a fourth advanced lesson moved down because of its beneficial power), and at the end I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SURPRISED to look down and see the back of my head: it FELT like I had pulled up above "me." Had lots of questions, noted the difficulty I felt having Thursday as a day off for them, felt with Michael that we shared (oh yes, I thought of my crying WITH Michael in Rolfing, and instantly of the Archangel Michael and his red-gold "Peace Be Still" when I wanted tranquilizing, so I "sat out" the union with the group and Russell and Carol Ann, though, as I told Bruce Lieber, I DID think there may have been SOMETHING from Russell there, and it was a GREAT (see DIARY 12163).
DIARY 12163
7/21/77
COULD THIS ACTUALLY BE IT?
The feeling of coming SO close to collapsing into tears of love and gratitude was SO delicious that I choked up while talking about it in class. It touches so many fantasies: of being held by the group while sobbing, of being REALIZED as a person of power (well, there it IS!) by those around me, of being accepted BY THEM more fully than I'm accepted by myself. Felt so INTENSELY connected to each person's reports: sympathizing if they knew what was blocking them, wincing when they DIDN'T see what was blocking them, enjoying their highs with them, wishing they'd get off what was holding them back, as Michael expressed it "If you just LET GO it's so much better; if I could JUST LET MYSELF MANIFEST what I have, it would be SO MUCH MORE rewarding." To the extent that ANY visionary experience can be picked at with paranoia, yet all of them FEEL so good, it's nice to have a FRAMEWORK of ecstasy in my life again, particularly one of such a POSITIVE leaning, as opposed to some of the "anger groups" or "gay groups" that seemed so negatively oriented. Bruce liked my CB radio analogy, and again I feel that my imagination and powers of imagery and my writing and verbal abilities could be used for BOTH myself AND for Actualism. He got a GREAT kick out of my report that I felt I HAD to do the practice sessions during my job at the Plaza, and even finding out that Faye was Faye LEVY (see DIARY 12164) was OK when she referred to my session this week being like HER session LAST week. Even thought Hank was more interesting when he said his experience this week was like mine last week, and loved Bruce's getting "Meeting your Maker" as the phrase he wanted WHILE I was giving my report. Noted that he turned to face me SQUARELY in his chair, as if facing me only with his MAGNETIC might draw me out more than he might want, and tempered the length of my report with his dynamic. I sensed some squirming in the "idiot fringes" of the room, but Rich and Nick and Richard could USE some of my length in their reports, so I didn't mind, and Dorothy glowed at the report, Michael brushed me down with pleasure, and I enjoyed doing it to him, and Bruce Lieber agreed when he said that I'd made some sort of turning point and now felt that I WAS in First Advanced.
DIARY 12164
7/21/77
TALK TO BRUCE LIEBER
He mentions that JIM told him how much Bruce Jaffe went on about how some advanced students were VERY inappropriate: either talking about things out of turn, or thinking that it was SO miserable that others dropped out in fear. Jim talked of leaving the room, and Bruce pointedly said that "You have a hard time coming back," meaning that it was a VERY naughty thing to do. Bruce was light for the most part, but he got into ludicrous heavies when he talked about an X-out with Rebekah when she actually said "Notice your neck" and he discovered the GRANITE SLAB in the form of a clover or Maltese cross that PHYSICALLY bore down on him. Then he practiced advanced bodywork sessions with her, she propped herself up topless, and (HE didn't say this, but it SOUNDED like it) he practically came. So she had to get serious. Then he talked of bad vibes from a Hare Krishna house where a fellow jumped onto the BQE, and then his "remnant" and someone else that the psychic Jim identified as the guy who drove him in a car to the bridge where he jumped, ATTACKED them mentally, so Bruce called Star Center and Rebekah talked of "calling out the Warrior Squad." I said it sounded TOO MUCH like Star Wars. He kept talking about Jawah Khul and Kudhumme as being two of the three Magi, and a third on earth now, talked of the new books that I should read, talked of how UFOs had been around to GUARD the adepts of the planet from catastrophe, but how now things are better, more powerful energies are being earthed, and AGAIN it sounds like THIS COULD BE IT (see DIARY 12163). He talks about his negatively loaded friends who keep doing a number on him, about how he's been changing physically recently, and how delighted he was that I had such breakthroughs in the past week, and kept saying how much I should look forward to next week, how Sylvan keeps going into other things and admitting Actualism is best, how Tom Campbell IS into Mind Freedom (which is poor), and how Michael should talk to Faye Levy about how it is, since she's been through it and discovered it didn't go very far. I tried cutting him off, and a few times I thought he WAS being inappropriate, but we had a lot to catch up with (interesting that I didn't talk to him AT ALL during the week I was having problems), he loved my CB radio example, and I set the stage for being busy during the coming weeks with the three indexes I have to do.
DIARY 12166
7/23/77
EMOTIONALISM OF ACTUALISM CLASS
Though I talked about it in places on DIARY 12161-12164, it still doesn't feel like I've even TOUCHED the depths of my feelings during the class. I could feel myself holding my breath to further investigate a growing feeling of immanence, and then could feel tears coursing down my cheeks. I knew that I had to breathe, and so rather than risk holding my breath longer and having to give some sort of gulp or gasp, I'd breathe deeply to release the tensions in my body, and that would start me trembling and sweating and moving on the sofa so that I was aware of people around me. I knew that Bruce was watching me, wondered if Jan were exchanging looks with him, and knew that if I broke down, at least it would be in a safe place. But Bruce matter-of-factly went on with his commentary, not speaking to me at all, so I felt that I had to let the REST of the class get what they paid for. These types of thoughts would cool me down for a bit, but then another phrase from Bruce would carry me up these slopes of sorrow again, burning my eyes and catching in my throat. I opened them briefly to reach forward for a tissue (was it chance that it was at my end of the table?) to wipe my eyes, and a second one got a furious blow from my nose. I could hear small sounds from others which implied I might not be ENTIRELY alone, but the class was not about to degenerate into an orgy of tears, so I still felt the need for control. But the feeling of sadness and tears was so delicious that I wanted to indulge, remembering the bliss at Michael's when I could just let it out and bathe myself in my tears. Then the feelings would build again: I felt honored, privileged, purged. I thought if I could get this all out there'd be a tremendous weight or debt removed from my body and spirit. It felt SO good to take deep breaths that brought me closer to the edge, but still reason called for silence, will held me back, decorum prompted me to control the outburst, temper the emotion, even using the "Peace, Be Still" as a talisman against crying. Now, as I write, knowing NOW that Bruce said it would be OK, I'm rather sorry that I DID control it, but know that next time I won't, and it'll be worth the waiting and controlling and building-up to let lots of it out in a flood of love and gratitude for LIFE ITSELF.
DIARY 12168
7/23/77
REBEKAH ANSWERS QUESTIONS
I start by testing out the phone machine and it WILL record conversations, but she says that I should use my "excellent computer, the brain-mind, to remember what to do," so I don't turn it on. She said that dynamics from others will stick in my magnetic, as will magnetics from others stick in my dynamic, and that releasing them will step them up in frequency and return them to their owners BETTER than they came to me, so THEY don't lose, either. She describes the Immortal as being "within, without, and all about," and an inhabitant of ALL kingdoms and ALL dimensions. "Being of Light," "Presence," "beingness," and "Immortal" are all synonymous, the terms being used to give a better flavor of the aspect of the Immortal being discussed. She also emphasizes that the Immortal is PERSONAL, and it's ME, and there are many, many of them (not now, as I ask), and it's not the point to wonder how many. She says the cross of light in Center 2 (after establishing that I don't do anything with it, that Bruce merely described it, and I sense a bit of "one-against-the-other" when I talk with them, probably from me, but possibly from them) would come AFTER expanding awareness to all "creations" (which she said was a generic term to use for the Creature Body, the Human Body, and the Field as a group, rather than levels or aspects) of the Immortal. She said that the adjective "radiant" in the phrase "radiant magnetism" was used to describe the magnetism of the enlightened Immortal or the enlightened Incarnating Ego, but that it was just LIGHTED, and could attract inward. She seemed to like my image of the IE's magnetic DRAWING OUT the creation's dynamic, but she wasn't so happy about the Immortal's dynamic FORMING the creation's magnetic, saying that I should simply EXPERIENCE what happens. When I ask about "Identity" she says that each ego and the body has an Identify, which we're now defining, and she didn't want to say much more about it. She definitely used the phrase "the magnetic structures the dynamic" and I wonder if you could say "the dynamic FUNCTIONS the magnetic" in an equal sense. She seemed neither greatly flattering, as Bruce has been, nor condemning, as she'd been with Lieber, nor did she hurry my questions nor linger in conversation. Though she was patient and caring, I got no real sense of PERSONABLENESS from her, either, possibly because my questions were so
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