Actualism notes
DIARY 12170
7/23/77
DRAFT OF LESSON SHEET FOR ADVANCED ACTUALISM #4
The last session prepared for this one, and this one prepares for next one. This session works with the Radiance of Beingness, which is not an energy and has no color. Beingness, the Being of Light, Presence, and the Immortal are all synonyms. The Immortal, too, has a Radiant Magnetic aspect and a Radiant Dynamic aspect. The capsule description for it is "Meeting Your Maker," and has been toned down from 4th advanced because of its power.
1) Harmonize Brain-Mind with the Radiant Consciousness of Incarnating Ego.
2) As in the last lesson, Incarnating Ego gathers and enlightens awareness in the Field, Human Body, and Creature-Body while staying in the Upper Room and reaching down with radiant magnetic and dynamic to the respective seats of consciousness.
3) Incarnating Ego fine-tunes with the Field Magnetic and fills the Field with enlightened awareness.
4) The Field Magnetic opens to radiant Dynamic of the Immortal, which lifts external dynamics, releases them, and returns them to their origins. Experience what happens.
5) Touch in with Incarnating Ego in center 2.
6) Move into the Field's Dynamic with the Immortal's Radiant Magnetic, and bring back lighted dynamics from external magnetics, structuring and restructuring the Field dynamic.
7) Incarnating Ego moves down the CVA to the Transfer Point in the middle of the skull, and moves forward to embrace Human Ego with Radiant Magnetic and Dynamic in Forebrain and take it to the Upper Room.
8) Let the Being of Light Dynamic work with the Human Body Magnetic in a gentle shaping way or in a blast of energy like a bolt of lightning, and experience what happens.
9) Touch in with Human Ego in center 2.
10) Let the Being of Light Magnetic work with the Human Body Dynamic, and experience what happens. Participate in the experience.
11) Incarnating Ego moves down the CVA and embraces Creature-Body Ego with Radiant Magnetic and Dynamic in Old Brain and Brainstem and takes it to the Upper Room to form the Triune Hierarchy.
12) Let the Being of Light Dynamic work with the Creature Body Magnetic, and experience what happens.
13) Touch in with Creature Body Ego in center 2.
14) Let the Being of Light Magnetic work with the Creature Body Dynamic, and experience what happens.
15) As copilot, expand through both aspects of the Creature Body, of the Human Body, and of the Field.
16) Form a cross of white light in center 2, horizontally and vertically.
17) Expand awareness and unify with the Immortals of all the members of the group, including the teachers.
18) Expand awareness and unify with the Immortals of all the Family of Light, including Russell and Carol Ann.
19) Let the Triune Hierarchy remain in center 2 for the rest of the day.
DIARY 12172
7/23/77
TALK WITH BRUCE JAFFE
He doesn't want me to record, either. Answers: my field attracts the dynamics of others, and these external dynamics should be released from my field magnetic. But MY dynamics are in OTHER PEOPLE'S magnetics, and my Immortal BRINGS BACK MY dynamics from other people's magnetics when I'm "regathering" myself while working with MY field's dynamic. He got very cautious about my CB radio analogy, much preferring that I say I'm "expanding my horizons" rather than implant what may be a loaded image (with seeds of truth, he said, but the image will CHANGE for me, and they haven't gotten to where I AM to have that image) in people who aren't in the work---and all people who are NOT in the work MAY COME INTO the work, so I shouldn't judge that my friends "aren't in basic." He suggested I reread the Basics book ("the green book") after next week's lesson. When I said I was concerned about the methods, not trusting my inner, he said that was typical because we're going into a new phase of the work and using different techniques. When I reminded him of my "direct IE," he said this wasn't WRONG, it was just "putting the cart before the horse---or putting the horse before the cart---aren't there pushcarts?---no---" and then "getting serious." He said it would just hold me back unnecessarily. I should turn more INWARD to the Teacher-Knower within for these WORKS (not necessarily the words), and said that my magnetic might be very restricted and I should open it up to get the teaching in MORE ways than just through the words. When I verified that he DID say that the magnetic "structures and restructures" the dynamic, and tried to get him to verify that the dynamic "functions" the magnetic, he backed off and said I should experience it for myself, without concepts. I laughed and said "that's just what Rebekah said," and he got off the phone quickly, though still gently and very tentatively and caringly. I figured that my SMALL overtimes from an hour were OK and didn't ask. When I was confused and lost, I should "Harmonize Brain-Mind with Teacher-Knower within" to find where I am without looking at the sheet, since IE is hundreds of times more competent in what it's doing than Brain-Mind is, and I should learn to TRUST this, though he sympathized with my troubles.
DIARY 12180
7/28/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #5
Wish there were more I could say about it: began to be slightly apprehensive about 6:45, but thought it was due to the impending index deadlines. Then Rebekah is saying that some people are activated, that we shouldn't worry, shouldn't anticipate, shouldn't build things up, which causes me to slightly, in retrospect, do all three right then. She gives an introduction to center 1, 150 feet above head in a LARGE center, talks of the soul's light which is light yellow-gold, just like the suit she's wearing, and talks of the MANY power rays we'll earth, how he'll concentrate on the microcosm: which is the field, human, and creature, and starts the tape. Russell's voice seems deeper and more profound: if I'd heard THAT first, I might have liked it from the first. He talks of the "matrix" level, which confuses me, which is 0-dimension, and then goes upward through perceptual, emotional, and mental, to the soul, the first unobstructed level. I get a NICE feeling of height as Rebekah takes us up 150 feet, and I observe that I'm about at the 30th floor of the tall building next door, which is right. Get SOME of the blasts of low frequency from each center as the ray comes barreling down from the soul into center 1, but there's a smooth progression that I report about that seems to bring me lower and lower even in centers 2-9, so that at the end I'm hoping it's soon over, Russell's back into his usual voice and drone (though there are VERY few clicks of re-recording on this one), and Jim, behind me, starts burping and belching and bumbling along. I'd thought Rebekah's called out "JAN," who was there with Ginny Jarrett from Star Center, who was visiting (so there were THREE female teachers, Bruce was teaching next door and came through for schedule sheet---oh, and they announced that LOIS was coming back in October and CAROL ANN was paying the first visit in a long time in November, and would spend a week, one time with each group (and Linda and Winston Nelson are switching with Jan and Bruce in December), and 4 females, and 8 guys, since Tony wasn't there---so it'll be the same next week when JIM'S not there---Maureen sure SEEMS the same), and Jim said she called HIS name, so I misheard, and I didn't hear her say "Rich," though HE said she did, but he was NEXT to her, so she could have whispered to him during Russell's taped message. Brushed down with Dorothy, who thought it was great, and all the REPEATERS said it was tranquil the first time and more BLASTING the second time, so maybe there are all sorts of buffers so that it's not a REAL blast for everyone, but in their solicitousness, they're draining off some of the POWER. Not that I'm disappointed, but I certainly don't feel that THIS class was any particular milestone.
DIARY 12184
7/29/77
TALK WITH REBEKAH
It was really quite satisfying: she said that my feelings of confusion were based on a fact: we're operating differently now in First Advanced, so that techniques and mechanisms are changing, so I should just give myself time to get used to them. 1) The "matrix" isn't very much used anymore, but had been used to mean the HUMAN BODY. 2) There ARE many power rays that we'll be getting, and this is the SOUL power ray that is light yellow-gold. 3) It's anchored in each center, but doesn't operate on the CVA BETWEEN the centers AS a ray, so that the energy IS to be focused up and down, and not considered to BE the ray. 4) Feeling the love and gratitude for the egos and anyone else who's unified with the work is ALWAYS done just after the formation of the TPH (the Triune Personality Hierarchy). (Terms sure do CHANGE around here: I had to ASK what TPH meant, since Triune for T didn't lead anywhere I knew, and Human for H wasn't mirrored by anything for Field). 5) Incarnating Ego returning to upper room to gather and enlighten awareness in the creations was for that ONE lesson only: for first advanced the technique is for IE to gather and enlighten awareness in the field, then for IE to go down the CVA to the Human Seat, gather and enlighten awareness in the Human Body, and THEN to offer its radiant magnetic and dynamic to the Human Ego for unification and harmonization. Then BOTH go back to the Old Brain and Brainstem to the Creature-Body seat, gather and enlighten awareness in the Creature Body, and THEN offer the magnetics and dynamics to the Creature-Body Ego, at which time they can go anywhere they want to. 6) The Soul Power Ray locates IN a center and works WITH the function of the center WITHOUT the center's sun being lighted, but it still has some of the QUALITIES of the center, and that's what first advanced is about, in a lot of ways. THIS is the difference that's now being taught, and the new stuff that I have to be patient with. 7) Carol Ann is coming for the FIRST time to NYC during the week of Thanksgiving, probably arriving Monday of that week and meeting with all the groups, so it'll probably be AFTER I get back from any vacation, which now looks to be either October 1-23 or October 30-November 20, but I didn't ask THAT question!
DIARY 12196
8/4/77
ACTUALISM ADVANCED #6
Again I'll go by my report: "This was a perfect textbook example of a lesson done in total inversion: everything you said I either jeered at or took in the opposite sense: when you said it was bright and expanded, I saw only a glimmer of light in black SLUDGE. I was debating not reporting, debating saying it was just awful, but didn't want to dump. I'd been fidgeting during the previous week, but it was as if the Immortal wanted to show me how bad it COULD get, what processing was like. I found out what Nick meant when he said his body felt heavy, felt the heat along with everyone else, and forgot to mention the quivers along the backs of my upper arms. Got lost a number of times, nodded so that someone (Rebekah) had to call "Bob" for the first time. She ALSO said that today was VERY heavy in New York (turned out to be 100,000 people routed from important buildings by bomb scares), but we shouldn't take it personally. I took it personally. KNEW that I was processing something, and could hang onto the Immortal by a fingernail to know that I'd get through this, but had an idea of how bad it could get. My brain-mind just went winging around, not listening to me at ALL, even though she said I should get it HARMONIZED with incarnating ego. She asked for interim reports and I confessed to feeling down, confused, and not on-center at all. When I told her I hadn't had an X-out, she seemed surprised, but thought the pelvic unloading would be good in preparation for the group session on August 22 with Bruce and others who'd had it. Others reported brilliant sessions: Michael groaning with pleasure, Jim pleasantly sighing after a heavy burp, Richard into whole boxes of Kleenex, Malcolm feeling Rebekah in his head, Faye radiant with pleasure, Marilyn saying she felt better than she'd done in MONTHS, even Nick said that it felt good. Rich and Tony and some OTHER gal from before still out, so it WILL be a large group. Rebekah hugged for the first time: NARROW waist, sternly held in, and she brightly looked at me, hoping the laughter was OK. Asked Bruce about "pushcart" being a joke and he got VERY angry about my talking about our phone conversations, saying he DID say it as PARTLY a joke, but I DID get the serious part of it, didn't I? Felt silly and childish and thought now that I had a good excuse to shut off most of what comes from Bruce Lieber.
DIARY 12199
8/6/77
PELVIC UNLOADING
There sweating like crazy at 11, chatting with Rebekah, saying practice is better than class, and Bruce takes me into bedroom and solemnly brings out the illustrations of the ureters linking kidneys and bladder, and seminal vesicles and penis-tip and testicles, and I nod back at him equally solemnly, wiping myself with a towel (hands and face, nowhere else). Then he suggests the ruby-red energy, starting at the left kidney, magnetic then dynamic, asking for feedback which is only a whirling of flecks, then a beam pushes down through the ureter to the bladder, and there MIGHT be obstructions at the entrance to the ureter and to the bladder, and at the "base of the body and base of the penis," and then out the tip. Then the sun "bulldozes" its way as a smaller 2-inch sun down the channels, pushing everything ahead, and then the same is done on the right, which seems weaker, which fits since my dynamic seemed weaker than my magnetic. Then he goes to the testicles, which I find delicate and "combing," and then the beam "pulses" (as I see it) around the circuit and then the sun follows alongside the penis, in front of the pubic bone and bladder, up over the bladder and past the seminal vesicle, then through the prostate and through the urethra out the length of the penis. Seem to find REAL resistance (not least of which is my mind militating, saying this is silly and foolish and WHAT is going on here?), and HE says he sees resistance, agreeing with my sense of a greater atrophy on the right than on the left, and we work longer, it seems, until he seems to say I'll work on it on my own later, and brushes me down, hugs me gingerly, sells me an anatomy book for $1, hands me the mimeo sheet, and listens with what seems like amazement when I tell him that it FIGURES that most men think of their apparatus as a set of tubes when Tripp of "Homosexual Matrix" found that gay men LOOKED at their genitals when they masturbate, whereas straight men found themselves turned off by ANY aspect of even their OWN masculinity. Bruce stares and lets me go, and I feel somewhat lighter, wondering what I'll say to Bruce Lieber, wondering what the group session could be like, and I say I'll do the practice about 9 am and the pelvic practice about 6 pm, which I DON'T do on Saturday!
DIARY 12209
8/12/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #7
Only 9 of us there: only Richard and Maureen from the former upper class, Rich missing from ours and Malcolm saying he won't be seeing us until September. I look around and wonder if it MIGHT not be good to drop back a group, though Bruce snidely says that there are lots of women in that class, and last night it was 6-3 in my favor. I'm still dripping when Bruce shuts off the air conditioner to be heard, and he repeats phrases that I'd been trying to remember: harmonize brain-mind; magnify Presence, and others to quiet the overactive brain-mind. It seemed to go on and on, though it was nice to know ahead of time that the organ-strewn belt had a sheet on it, though I didn't like the reference to "yoke," since I went back to the Stations and heard "My yoke is sweet and my burden is light," and we STILL have a yoke that we have to lighten. Get confused by all the THINGS, though feel it IS nice that I'd just bought an anatomical chart at Bruce's suggestion. From 8:30 to 9:35 it was just Bruce's voice droning on, calling on Maureen once, and she gets the most EXTRAORDINARILY ugly expressions on her face when she's listening to someone else's difficulties, and she IS fat with her dreadful-looking shorts. I get to brush down Nick, who moves away quickly with a terse "Thank you" to avoid a hug, and when I leave Bruce sort of looks toward me and then says "Goodnight," when he'd lifted Marilyn a couple times from the back, embraced practically everyone, and ROUGHLY brushed down the back of Nick's yoke, as if implying I didn't do a good job. Tried to schedule makeup sessions, and he disgusted me by saying that maybe the schedule from Rebekah ISN'T the final one. My HEELS have been very hot, as I'd blamed before on my woolen rug, and I talked about the NOT unmitigated heat of the evening. Connected with his saying the pancreas wanted MORE, and that's another common plaint of mine. Also irritated (see DIARY 12208) by Michael's not wanting to share, Bruce's assumption that it was because it was BAD, and then Michael's controlled "It wasn't bad; it was fabulous" sort of knocking the whole tirade of Bruce's off the wall, and then talking of something that he'd been waiting for all his life, which made MY trivialization of the evening's lesson somewhat more exasperating for ME.
DIARY 12222
8/20/77
ACTUALISM X-OUT #1
Bruce and Rebekah are there, and Rebekah takes me into bedroom and sits me down and asks how I'd like to work. While chatting I say that I keep worrying about being conned, as est says (and just afterwards I seem to absorb that I keep referring to est, "Tales of Power," Actualism, and other authorities to bolster what I'm saying, when what I WANT to say is that I think this or that or the other. I think that it's a good thing to stop the internal dialogue, I don't want to be conned, I think there's something more of living than what's on the surface), and somehow talk about religions and mention that I was raised a Roman Catholic. She pounced on that, saying we'll work on that, and when she gathers together everyone who had anything to do with my upbringing, I laugh and say "I see the room filling up with nuns." I said I wanted more VERIFICATION from Actualism that it really worked, since that's what they SAID would happen. But I couldn't deny THEN that things HAD happened, and lots of things happened HERE, though not beyond the boundaries of the possibilities of being conned. SHE said she saw something in front of my field when I mentioned it, but she could have just been going along with me. I said "Oh, you mean that big black box?" when she said that I should sense what's in my lower field to the front, and I very quickly interpreted it as a coffin, which she didn't disagree with. But she also seemed to steer in wrong directions: talking about how hard it must be because I can't confide in anyone, and I said that I confided very well with Dennis and Pope; asking if I often got headaches when I very seldom had them; and directing me to feel tinglings in my nerves when the feelings stayed rather diffuse. She said that working with the Soul Power Ray was a good thing, and she started by saying that I light it up and let it pour through all the centers. I thought at first she meant going through the original beams, but when I SAID that it seemed it should spread out as a sphere in all directions, she agreed. At times the downpour of energy from some unobstructed level seemed very strong, and a number of times I felt my tears running down my cheeks and even splashing on my neck, and I blew my nose and wiped my eyes so many times that I emptied the tissue box. There were times that I AGAIN felt that feeling of being in an enormous room, and her voice seemed to come from a great distance, and when I said that, I also said that I'd had the feeling in est yesterday that I was circling around a central point that I was afraid to get into: me. Also, though I'm not in the habit of saying I'm afraid of facing myself, I found myself saying that I felt, at the end, in a double bind, non-win situation: if I felt NOTHING when I looked at myself, I'd feel awful (yet in a sense feel triumphant because I'd "won" OVER Actualism---at the cost of enlightenment, of course); yet I was AFRAID that I might see something awful if I DID see myself. She said something about my not giving myself credit, but I hastened to say that often I gave myself TOO much credit, and then got to the edge of "If so many things are going well, are working out, why do I so often feel so lousy?" without even bothering to get to the point that I MOST OFTEN feel good when I'm doing something, it's just when I sit down in a state of INDECISION that I feel awful, and that's happening less often as I keep DOING rather than worrying about what TO do. (This is just about as incoherent and disorganized as the actual happening.) When I saw the "coffin," I said that death was always frightening because it was the END of all the good things that I had on earth, and that it seemed to be a measure of validation that I DID enjoy life that I didn't want life to STOP. But then I felt the tears and started talking about "the garden" that I'd seen in LSD, smelling everything (I said with irony as I blew my nose again) clearly and freshly, seeing everything bright and new, feeling marvelous, and getting a BIT of that tingle as she directed my nerves to absorb some of the energies pouring down. I came to the realization that the garden is HERE NOW if looked at from the proper point of view, and felt tears draw even closer. Got into the EROTIC sensations that I had while doing lightwork, and she said it was VERY connected, and I said I was sorry there wasn't more to do with Tantra, that Dennis and I felt very close during sex, and that the hero of a book that I was writing had a visionary experience at the moment of orgasm. She sort of moved around the subject, but was always encouraging. At one point I was concerned about time, fearing to bring up anything more, and she said we had 15 more minutes and that I could bring up what I wanted to. She STARTED by saying that lots of the X-out was nonverbal, but that I should bring up anything I wanted to. At another she felt some obstruction around my head, and when I "looked," I said that it felt like a Christmas tree from my centers: broad and wide at the bottom, very narrow and constricted at the top. But when I got into the feeling, I felt that the head light really blazed out, and said that I felt clearer. Then the blockage in front SHE wanted to say had something to do with religion, and I sort of went around that, though admitting that the wording of "yoke" wouldn't be so highly energizing if my ideas of religion HAD been truly flattened. I rather berated myself for not remembering THESE experiences when I thought I was getting nothing out of Actualism, and felt that this was ALMOST on a par with being stoned in those magical times when revelation seemed to be just a step away. I felt that if I continued to press on these areas, I could come to an obstruction that I could push through and get to SOMETHING on the other side, though this EXPECTATION is still that felt during stoned sessions, when they always lead to nothing. I, with part of me, really WANTED something extraordinary to happen, but I SUPPOSE (this is hard to say) there was a certain element of fear. I kept feeling superior to Carlitos in "Tales of Power" for talking so much, being so stupid and unbelieving, and being so terribly frightened---rather looking forward to my getting into a frightening situation so that I could see how I operate, but I keep getting to the point of wanting to CREATE something that I expected and felt good towards, and not getting something entirely UNEXPECTED (see DIARY 12226). She said that I would get a lot of essence from the session, that it might seep in later, and I said I felt good. Her brushdown was exceedingly thorough and firm and felt, and our hug was pleasant (though she kept her crotch well back), and I felt that I might enjoy more of these to dig at OTHER areas within myself.
DIARY 12236
8/23/77
PELVIC UNLOADING GROUP
Not the sexiest: (1) Dick (?) is gray, glassed, bearded, and mousy; (2) Abe is burly, aging, and unpleasant when he strips down to a tank top, (3) Bruce is next to a (4) George who COULD be cute, but it's hard to get past a simpery pose of youthful needing-to-impress; (5) George Pearson is big and negative and not interesting; (6) Niel Sendar is more huge than ever, burping and saying how inferior he feels; (7) Jim (?) (Gene?) next to me is tiny, prematurely wizened, and though he has a large crotch (as George had a dangle in his blue jeans) stuffed tight in his jeans, he's not very sexy at all; (8) me; and Sidney, (9) Sid, lovely person in white Indian cloth, hairy chest, and nicely lumpy body when we brush down each other. Bruce Jaffe says that 6 or so others will be taking the first session in a couple of weeks, and that we'll be having more of these before he leaves, and Winston will continue them, because our reports uniformly stated that we dropped them because other things seemed more important, and it IS important to feel that the sex organs are part of the being of light, neither Idealized, Hated, or Worthless. I didn't see myself fitting into ANY of those groups, nor did I feel that it should NEVER be used or ALWAYS be used. There was a good moment when he said that we tended to think in narrow ways about "men, women, or ourselves," and that the sexual objects could be broadened to reflect better the unity people themselves have through their immortals. We didn't start until 8:35, waiting for Tom, who never showed, and then it lasted until a break for water, then a break for coffee about 10:30, then sharing until 11. I thought for the first 3/4 that I would have to report that nothing was happening: either I was remarkably flat there or things were being TOTALLY repressed. Then I got a flash in the left testicle of SOMETHING, and then in the right was different, finally an image: I hadn't told Dennis sufficiently how much I liked his doing me on Sunday, and when I shared that IDEA, Bruce said something about negation, and I said my image wasn't the negation of saying NO, but the negation of saying NOTHING, and later it occurred to me that that's what HE meant about my not experiencing anything in the session. There WERE other images: the idea of going to bed with either parent, the idea that I didn't care for children so it made no difference to me that NONE of my sperm would produce a new person, a child. I knew that this had nothing to do with me PERSONALLY, as a child IN NO WAY helps me to live longer or better or more thoroughly, but the EMOTIONS having to do with raising a child I'd had enough of with 12-years-younger Rita, and didn't want any more of it. But since they came UP, obviously they aren't flattened yet. Wondered what else would or COULD come up. Surely didn't expect to have any regrets about being gay, or switching from being gay, or even including the idea of bisexuality, though I had to agree with Dennis when he said that Cathy from the office seemed beddable, but I couldn't imagine making the motions to get into bed with someone like this: with Cissy and Madge and Sharon and Norma (and even poor Sheila) it was definitely a matter of THEIR throwing their bodies at ME. I wasn't having the problem with erections that I'd had before; though I could stand to use a bit more freedom with Dennis, as he's noted a number of times, last night included. I don't regret not being able to be sexually aroused with more people: if they don't please me, they don't arouse me. I WOULD like to be more forceful in making approaches, and probably the dynamic aspect of the reproductive system would have to have something to do with that, but I think what I would REALLY need is a greater sense of myself as an ACCEPTABLY SEXY person to some of the younger studs who are so beautiful roaming around the baths. I'm still not where I want to be physically with exercising, and I feel that my liabilities outweigh the benefits my added age would have to offer a humpy dude. But this is more in the nature of creativity, self-assurance, and self-esteem than it is a genital matter. In the baths, I might just need a pleasing erection when making a pass at someone, since I know the benefits of such a maneuver when worked on me. Sid proposed a woman for some special session, which might have been done for my benefit to brag about his straightness, but he did seem to be all over his chair, wide open with legs, and pleasantly nodded to me when I looked toward him for a brushdown---but then in THAT group it's not such a great thing to be the second-most attractive person there, excluding Bruce Jaffe, who got to do someone since we were an odd number, 9; but he was across the room from us.
DIARY 12240
8/24/77
ACTUALISM BROADENING
Remember lots of things that I didn't include on pelvic unloading (DIARY 12236-12237): Forgot the BULLDOZING at the last part, which he said we could do through the system. The final expanding of red-gold to 300 feet and including the BODY as part of the field helped sweep out a much cleaner area from all the debris of the cleaning. When the TPH is raised back to center 2, the brain is LIFTED and the radiant consciousness flows down through all the nerves of the body to make them more highly conscious and radiantly aware, so that the whole body responds. The TPH stays in the middle of the sun all the way through the processing, so that all three consciousnesses are right there with the work being done. Gather the awareness from all the creations with the magnetic component of incarnating ego, enlighten the awareness, and then EXPAND the awareness through the areas with the dynamic arm of the creation. This is a much more thorough means. Forgot about the left side being the magnetic and the right side being the dynamic part of the sexuality, so that the right side, with me, WOULD be more obstructed and need more cleaning, which is ironic since the right side comes at the end and usually gets shorter shrift than the left side. The final sun position is centered on the prostate, and then "after an hour or two" turn off the sun and return it to the top right of the sigil and send TPH wherever you want it to be. He also mentioned the other tools: if you're using the driving tool, just put the red-gold into abeyance, turn on the driving tool, then when the driving tool is turned off, the red-gold can be called back and processing resumed where it was. Remembered the loveliness of "You don't have to remember exactly what processing is being done, the Immortal will take care of that, you just have to be an alert copilot to watch what's going on, intensifying the presence more and more for Enlightened Awareness. The pelvic work should be done nightly, since it's very worthwhile, and maybe if Russell ever comes to the East Coast, he'll do one of the unloading sessions. I get the feeling that I ACTUALLY have a hand in the enlightening of the creature-body; that this is MY creature-body ego, and I can dissipate the low frequencies and increase the high frequencies WILLINGLY and OPENLY.
DIARY 12242
8/25/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #8
Rebekah is all smiles when she says we're going to call down the Monadic Power Ray, the White Power Ray that comes all the way down from Dimension 7, the level of Formless Form. She speaks of the CVA as ALSO being clear from any lower dimension, which is the first time I can remember her saying that. The MPR is for unity and one-pointedness, and she smiles with such ingratiatingness that it's infectious, saying that this is THINKING one thing without having the OPPOSITE thought; ORGANIZING one way without being scattered by other ways; LOVING without its opposite, hating; CREATING without in some way destroying; and one-pointedly striving to raise the level of vibrations of the whole body. She talks for a long time to get us to the TPH, and then a tape from Russell comes on in which he talks matter-of-factly and I listen to him matter-of-factly, until about half way through I figure if I don't have SOME images and SOME resistances, I won't have anything to talk about. Coming down, I don't HEAR the transition from level 4 to level 5, so Creativity must have something for me, and when I'm struggling NOT to form an opinion that the whole thing is a waste of time, I FINALLY get some sense of something expanding (though I later sense that it was low frequency being blasted out of the center as the PR hit there) from Center 9, and I feel the tiniest bit dizzy from the speed of things leaving my center, and then I zero back in on the words and come to the three-point landing. Can't think what I'm going to share, but I start with centers 5 and 9, and Rebekah smiles and says "You've finally cut off the internal dialogue; isn't that what you've been trying to do for a long time?" I had had that idea, but more "properly" sought to attribute it to my being asleep, getting nothing out of it, messing up the entire lesson, but I had to agree that I'd quieted the internal dialogue, that it was a much quieter way of going through life, and that I was rather pleased with the evening even though my BRAIN-MIND wanted something to fuss about, get confused about, ask questions about. As it was, I understood everything, and even the others in the group seemed to have fun. Kathy and I brush down.
DIARY 12257
9/1/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #9
There are only 9 or us, and though the groups are now joined, it's still $12.50 and Maureen says she thinks it's got to go up to 15 people before it goes back down to $10, so that's $12.50 all the way through. Pity Rebekah isn't teaching to note my new pants. I'm in about last, Bruce saying we have a long evening so we should start on the "Beacon of Light" lesson, which gives us the chance to give intros ourselves, if we get the tapes which are on order. I'm a little annoyed that it sounds a bit like est's "Sell us for us" pitch, and when we go into the exercise I really don't remember ANYTHING from it, except that it was working with the power ray in centers 1, 2, and 9, with aspects of the magnetic and dynamic, and I was just fidgety, going to sleep, and out of it. Then he said we should practice giving lessons with him as the initiate, and I concentrated and GOT his point of light, but it didn't change since I expected that part of the exercise to PROGRESS somewhere (unless it did and I fell asleep). He asked for our reports on that, and seemed satisfied with mine. I later asked if there were some special "evaluation" session, and he said that I could come in for an informal 20 or 30-minute chat anytime I scheduled it, and I wouldn't have to pay for it. That pleased me. Then we did brushdowns, me with Dorothy, talking how we'd do it for the person, and she said that the arm that I brushed down felt HEAVIER than the one I didn't, but excused it as being "more earthed" than the other. My confusion with the lesson came up when he said we should practice "at least centers 1, 2, and 9, and the star work of tonight as an option." I asked WHICH work and said that I was doing pelvic stuff, too, and he said if I was doing THAT I could just do the ORIGINAL work from last week, but that means I STILL don't know what the lesson was LAST night, aside from the giving to HIM of the initiation tape, and AGAIN I'd forgotten about my night at Sylvan Levy's so long ago. He was pleased when this group produced the majority who'd been introed by him. We hugged, Jim and I hugged, and they said that Elliott would be joining the group, that Tony had moved to the route of his conducting and would be back, so we'll again be more men than women, who outnumbered us tonight for the first time 5-4. I felt silly not REMEMBERING what happened.
DIARY 12258
9/1/77
TALK WITH LIEBER ABOUT APPROPRIATENESS
I was telling him how I'd "convinced" Rebekah that I should be allowed 3 weeks off when he said he thought that was inappropriate. I said I didn't think THAT had anything to do with the TEACHING but just something on a personal basis, BUT he reminded me how Bruce got disturbed when I told him that I'd mentioned his joke about putting the cart before the horse---pushcart---on a personal basis, and I said that I'd recently thought how much a WHOLE their lives and their teachings were (always on call, appropriate to everyone's lesson all the time, seemingly consistent in the teachings), so I said that I could SEE how that would work, and ALSO got the insight that I was in some way trying to put Rebekah DOWN, as he tried to build them up with me. He said he was down for the past week: he had practically GOTTEN a job for $13,200 that might send him to Long Island, Jersey, Florida, or Boston, and his old roommate had moved out easily (he's been drinking too much, and way too gay) and he might be getting a woman to share it with him while he's out of town for 6 weeks on training for this job, so things might be coming together for him. I was glad in a way that he seemed to stop "preparing" me for lessons, since he said he'd "gotten" that this sometimes built up pictures which were hard to shake if they weren't appropriate, since each person was such an individual and what might not be loaded for one MIGHT be loaded for another, and I felt a sort of RELIEF not to have to talk to him about what the teachers do, how he's getting all sorts of goodies that I don't seem to be getting (direct observations of teachers' power, insights, calls from other people (like he'll be working with Metzner in a year), even dramatic ups and downs), and generally "Can You Top This?" time when we talk about the work. He's thinking of paying his $280 rent himself after he gets his job, is glad that I've been dropping the internal dialogue, and will be able to do bodywork in his own room now that he's moved into the living room of the apartment. Nothing this time about coming lessons, no chortles about how things won't be working out for me, and I remember being SURPRISED in the class about how much it SEEMED my point of view had changed SINCE the intro back in November.
DIARY 12267
9/7/77
ACTUALISM "TOUCH UP"
That's what Bruce called it when he finished brushing me down with a "fold hands around back of neck," he steps behind with a full nelson, tells me to take a deep breath, and then when I let it all the way out, he rises up on my hands, using my arms as a level to crack the vertebra in my neck by pushing my head down onto my chest. Before that, he folded my hands across my chest and put his arms around me so that my shoulders were cracked back into shape. He said that I was full of self-invalidation; smiling with correctness when I said that I'd chosen the Radiant Warrior, The Energy of Perfection, and the Red to work the Pelvic Unloading with. When I said that sometimes I got "scraping" and other times nothing, he said that the Red was actually a HEALING energy---and I wished I'd remembered which felt like the clear one! Then I said I must be wrong to "bulldoze" the Red energy through, and he insisted that was OK. At the end, tearfully, I returned to the idea of the "Let" which I'd forgotten for a long while, and he kept saying that the Brain-Mind was useful, but it thought it had to run the whole thing. I got an idea: I said that for almost 40 years I'd INVESTED in the idea that my brain had to control everything, and NOW I feared that if THAT went away, there'd be nothing of ME in control. He suggested I IDENTIFY Brain-Mind (and I repeated the word in amazement) with Incarnating Ego, but that I was perfectly capable of operating on a HIGHER level, wasn't going too fast, and couldn't get hurt. For distractions, he suggested centering the White Star in the center of Brain-Mind and magnetically drawing out all the low frequencies that are ready to leave. I felt better from the session though I'd never really asked the questions I wanted to: he said that Russell wasn't teaching anymore, but doing field work on a whole series of "Surgeries," starting with the feet, that would be completely different from the foot sessions given now (they'd be like the Brain Surgery, just given sitting across from one another). Carol Ann had started that, and now Russell was in the middle working on it. Lois was coming back in October, so I'd get to see her again, but I'd probably miss Carol Ann. We talked from 4 to 5:10, and I felt good about the "touch up" that they felt I could use freely.
DIARY 12276
9/9/77
ADVANCED ACTUALISM #10
At the end Bruce says that the group reported feeling SO good in the group was because this WAS the group: Jim had dropped out, so we were quite official right there: Malcolm, me, Dorothy, Michael, Marilyn, Richard, Faye, Tony, Maureen, Kathy, Elliott, and Janis (?), 12 of us, 6 males, 6 females, so that depending on absences and teachers, we could just as often be more female than male, which I think is a pity, sex-wise. Notice that the women ALL wear HEAVY, QUILTED, BLACK material all around their lower legs, and tend to wear dark or denim all the time, while the men are wearing pink or light green or yellow or white shirts and lighter-colored pants. I feel somewhat out of it at the point of the curve away from Bruce, and I get little of a feeling of support from the group, but with Elliott adding his wide-eyed spacedoutness, and Malcolm sexier than ever, it's not a COMPLETELY lost group, but since the only group NEAR is the one BEHIND (since the next group AHEAD is Bruce's, surely something like six months ahead), we won't be getting TOO far from, for instance, Matthew in that group, with whom we'll probably eventually merge, depending if HE'S still with that group. I'm happy that I rather remember the Sensory/mental lifebelt, since it's nice to "remember" where we're going when we draw it out so slowly that the form and pattern becomes obscured. Get GREAT feelings across the splenic/liver plexes, tears flowing when I remember Russell's words about "becoming clear and undeviated transmitters of the light" and I think of orienting my crystal so that I emit clarity, and Bruce calls on me to share, with two others. Toward the end it gets rather dim, and he says to do 3 sessions with Sensory and then 3 sessions with emotional and then the last, before the Reunion in Consciousness at 6:30 next week, the Sensory again. The SPIEL was just for me: how this will ground the sensory and mental experience of lightwork, and I could feel the IDEA directed toward me but his specific STATEMENTS directed toward others. Others shared how powerful an experience it was for them, and even Maureen said that she felt good about things even though she had headaches. I'm disturbed about the hypothalamus being "different from" the pineal (he says it "Pine-KNEE-l"), but I'll go along with it since I never locate it so closely anyway. Good lesson after the nothingness from last week, and they seem to alternate in pairs with normal ones.
DIARY 12282
9/10/77
TERMINOLOGY OF ACTUALISM
"ENLIGHTENMENT" is such a marvelous word: it can mean lighter rather than heavy from BOTH the sheer weight AND the emotional-charge points of view. I play with the idea that it can mean brighter rather than darker, as in "bringing in light" in the sense that Barbara Brown talks of subjects increasing the strobe effect to "see desired objects more clearly" while they decrease the strobe effect for "undesirable objects" and then complain that there's not even enough light to SEE the images, but except for thinking of bringing in MORE quanta of light, it doesn't seem to make sense. Then I think of "processing out the low frequency and concentrating on the high frequency" that's so often indicated, and if a low frequency sound is DEEPER (which certainly implies, even alliteratively, DARKER), so a low-frequency ENERGY identifies with darker and high-frequency energies identify with LIGHTER in hue and tint and saturation. Then the talk of "clearing out" also implies the removal of DEBRIS and the opening to wider spaces, which also implies a greater capacity for light because of a greater expanse of SPACE. Though "spaced out" implies unseeing, "spaced in" might imply an OPENING UP, which is ANOTHER term that fits in. "Gathering and enlightening awareness" by the egos is all part of it, and then it's EXPANDED (more space and light, again) back with the RADIANT (more light, again) dynamic---which is the outgoing, space-encompassing half. Brighten up, "Polish the mirror," and "Lightwork" are all additions to this redundantly rich system of terms. "Lifting" is used a lot, lifting out of the darkness into the light, lifting in frequency, lifting away the heaviness, and the "lift" of greater buoyancy and greater lightness, again in weight and quanta. Expanding the senses and the emotions and the mind (mind expanding) go along with all this. "Aware" is derived from a root that means "wary," which isn't pleasant, but "experience" is derived via "from" and "try, attempt," so it's an attempt at something AWAY from self, which is expanding and enlightening, which sadly implies that the SELF is NOT enlightened---but then (he said, brightening), if the self WERE enlightened, it wouldn't be looking into Actualism, would it?
DIARY 12298
9/15/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #11 (Reunion in Consciousness)
Flustered by knocking over her coffee: wiping off her sandals, the rug, the keys and whiteout on the desk, thankful that it didn't hit either the schedule or the payment book, and later joke with Rebekah that I was pre-activating by feeling my LARGER human! Grab a seat next to the window so it won't get hot, and near her so I can hear her, and Tony sits next to me so we chat about Maine for awhile, and he talks about "cruising the coast." Maureen is the last one to arrive and takes awhile to get settled, and then Marilyn gets one last drink, I prop a pillow behind my upper back, and at 6:45 we start. Things go slowly and uneventfully for me, until I feel I'm walking a tightrope between giving up in disgust because nothing's happening, and trying to "make something of it," but I continue quietly and get a GLIMPSE of myself ABOVE a different body below, around my chest, and a bit later when she says to identify with the Human Body, I get an INSTANT of sensation that my physical body is looming over me. Things open up at "center 4.5," at the jaw and throat, and in center 5 I weep a bit as I think of productivity on MY terms (publishing) and Rebekah says "Sometimes you think it's creativity the way YOU want it to be." Good stuff in center 8 talking about nerves and sensitivity to outside influences and irritability, and the Human acting as a buffer, a literal glove over each nerve ending, and that sounds good. It gets better as it does down, but below the pelvic bowl things get rather nebulous, though I DO feel somehow frail, hallowed out, fragile, friable, when she says to experience the body WITHOUT the Human Body, and feel somewhat "fuller" when it comes back up. An INCREDIBLE insight when she keeps saying to "invoke Cosmic Mother Consciousness" soothing and smoothing and caring and consoling, and I think that this is NOT what I got from my mother, only a sticky, prickly feeling of antagonism and warding-off, and suddenly I remember John calling being with me like being with a Prickly-Pear Sea Urchin, and THAT was how I thought of my MOTHER when it came to affection: all corners and edges and hysteria. That makes a great impact, but somehow the low frequency (might as WELL use their terms) is all taken off. She said that EVERYONE remembered the technique, but I was quite lost after the first 10 minutes, but even put THAT out of my mind. There were two or three impacts of the energy of "creativity the WAY I want it to be," like going to adjacent organs and the neck feeling stiff, which it did, and Higher Will expanding like an EXPLOSION in the chest, and the heart being needed to give nutriment to the body, and irritability being an inversion of Will. Also the ideas of hate-rage being the DYNAMIC inversion and self-pity and loneliness and depression being the MAGNETIC inversion. There was a break after center 6, at 8, and we all wandered around like zombies until I saw Dorothy lying on the floor, and that appealed so I did, and Rebekah said it looked like a war zone. Back in at 8:10 and out at 9:25 for reports, before which she left the room for 10 minutes for us to come out of it, and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a stylized drawing of a tiny, inner, dark green figure that could be taken as a person within a larger, outer, light green figure that could be a Human Body within the letter "A" of their drinking cups. I told my report second, sounding more negative than it was, and when Tony reported HIS negativity, Rebekah jumped on both him and me for brain-mind, saying, with great effect to me, that we can invert imagination easily, particularly such creative imaginations as we had (and she mentioned his going unconscious at the Rod of Power, which I've always had trouble with), and we'd build a tiny negative into a huge negative melodrama, but we could also take a tiny bit of high frequency and really run with it, and I so identified with that that I teared again. Michael came up with his usual "startled with the power and light within me," as if he literally expected the entire classroom to bow to him in acclaim; and the usual dark women gave their dark comments saying how great the experience was. THIS time Kathy wore white trousers, but Marilyn and Faye still had their black tops and heavy dark quilted bottoms to the floor, and Maureen doubled in both with Mickey Mouse above and black pants below. Tony brushed me down with VERY heavy hands, and he's BIGGER than I'd even thought, about 6'5", and rather nice body, and a GREAT bear hug when we were finished. That could go somewhere, it seems, if he were only a bit EASIER with himself and his body.
DIARY 12305
9/19/77
INSIGHTS WITH ACTUALISM
Dogs barking, junk pouring down chute at Pierrepont, and drops from rain echoing strongly off air conditioner case, and I fuss about noise: if I'm so enlightened, why can't I stomach this noise when I'm DOING lightwork? Then it occurs to me that I'm ANTICIPATING the noise BEFORE it goes, and HATING it AFTER it goes, so that the noise is the LEAST of the effect: If I can WIPE OUT the noise except when it ACTUALLY HAPPENS, I can eliminate the anticipation, which would gradually free me from the HATE, so that MY REACTION need only come WHEN the noise comes, not in the unpleasant PENUMBRA THAT I CREATE surrounding the noise, which makes it much worse than it is. [MISSING DIAGRAM] Other extraordinary things happening, but I don't remember them at this point: something to do with bodily sensations, which I might be feeling only a little, if only the ANTICIPATION to the feelings that might be struggling to come through. Wonder if I'm also enlightening the awareness of people who live AROUND me, since IE doesn't seem to discriminate when it gathers and enlightens experience and awareness, but maybe it does. But I wish the Human Body were MORE of a shelter from the outside: how great if it could pull blinders over my eyes to shut out the ugliness and dirt of NYC, plug my ears to the dogs and junk and neighbors---thank goodness the smell isn't activated except for the few times the neighbors eat lighter fluid on their outdoor-broiled steaks, and that taste is local, as is touch, and only TODAY seems warm enough to even THINK of putting on the air conditioner, but I'm glad it's still in the window so that it can be used if Dennis decides to come over this evening and it's still so warm and muggy. So sad that I've forgotten what happened: don't like the thought of having notepaper beside me when I'm doing lightwork, but if one can be excused to go to the john, one should surely be excused for writing. But things gradually come to the fore, practices are cleared up, instructions are made more clear, and things fall into place more and more so that what was missed in the past will probably again come up more strongly in the future, until at last I DO commit them to paper as a note of my progress through Actualism.
DIARY 12322
10/9/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #12
Chat with Bruce about my fear of flying, and he says that the Immortal LOVES to fly, so just unite with it and with the Immortal of the pilot, and everything will be fine. Also, "You're too valuable a person now to be lost like that," makes me feel VERY good, though it tightens the crux of the problem: IF the system is right, this is all true; but IF the system is wrong, that makes it all the MORE poignant that I'm believing in it more and more. He rather quickly forms hierarchy (I didn't tell him that I hadn't formed it this morning, and he didn't mention anything about it, though I did say that I've been doing practice at 1 am lately) and puts on Russell's tape. Again, I don't quite get into it for the first few positions, and at one point think he's talking about Creativity but we're not NEAR center 5 yet. But the whole THING is rather about creativity, and it brings down the red-gold power ray of Michael, which he says in three syllables: MIKE-ay-el, though not so stridently as all that. He keeps talking about the calming yet elevating effect of it, and I can feel the tears coming from my eyes at how good it sounds. But while concentrating on Creativity, I STILL don't hear the transition from center 4 to 5, and Bruce suggests that since I'm so much in the mind, it may NEED my getting to center 4 before my questions and complaints and querelishness (querullousness?) flattens out. The tape seemed shorter than many, though toward the end I started thinking about the flight again and worrying a bit, but when I shared a few things, with Bruce it all seemed VERY positive, and he wished me a good trip, said that I should send Star Center a card, and that I MIGHT be able to swing the plane's return on time for the class on Wednesday, but he's going to keep the slot open for me on Monday for a makeup session. Talked to Rebekah about the Christmas party and she said that as of NOW, it's scheduled in BOTH New York and Escondido on the 16th, so when I tell Dennis about it, it turns out that he's reserved a flight on Thursday, the 15th, so that I might be able to see the party with Russell and Carol Ann, which would be a kick for my second one, and see what the founder of Actualism is REALLY like!
DIARY 12354
10/11/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #13
Rebekah's laughing with me at my "what a mess" with the nervousness on the flight, saying that "of COURSE you expect to get a new energy and be right perfect with it from the beginning, not having to process anything, not having to get rid of anything; what you need is a lifebelt." So she makes the hint the SECOND time that I should close my eyes, and then she turns on the TPH and the Red-gold power ray and proceeds to go through the Emotional Lifebelt, and I almost wonder if she'd be doing it purposely ONLY for me. A number of times she asks what my "sensations in consciousness" are in my heart, my spleen, my liver, my pancreas. I fumpfer through all of them: don't feel anything in the heart until much later, the liver is a heavy mass when we get to it, then it breaks into "bite sized" pieces, and she says that's good, and she'll help me laser through them. I say that the pancreas comes into my mind as a plate of scrambled eggs, since that's what it looked like in the picture of it, and she said it had a lot to do with digestion, so it was connected. I got no feeling for the gall bladder "the little Napoleon" which she insisted harbored rage and sometimes panic, and she kept hammering away at RAGE and HATE, as if she expected me to have them. When I told about the rumbling in the stomach, she said that was good, and I said I felt the pressure on the bladder, and that was all. Then she said she thought I had ARMOR around all my organs, that's why I wasn't feeling anything, "You don't think it's good to get into emotions, or you feel they'll carry you away, take away your control," and said that Lois should concentrate during the surgery. "Isn't it on the hands and feet?" "Well, it WAS, but the work in the inner changes so much faster than communication can keep up with it: we'll tell her about your organ-armor, and maybe you can work with it." Then she tells me about Jan's working with the nerves in the arms, which also goes down to the hands, so I sign up for Friday for that. I kept seeing changing lights in the eyes, and since I said I thought the sun was changing, and she said I should harmonize the EYES with IE, it must have been changing. Tears flowed a couple times, but my nose only ran once, so my cold didn't give me much trouble with her. Her voice sounded much deeper and more mellow, though she still coughed a few times from her cigarillo.
DIARY 12357
10/15/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #14
Marilyn has FINALLY changed her costume into a green-figured black pants suit, and afterwards I talk with Janet, who seems rather pleasant, and Faye about Eli, whose number they want to get. Bruce gets us quickly into the session, and I'm finding that I can pretty well remember what he's doing, except that I have very little feeling except for a tingle in my feet and a tickle in the periphery of my hands when I face them toward each other. Find myself describing the trip WITHOUT the negative qualities, so I seem to feel better about it, after a week's vacation from the actual experience. Toward the end he almost shouts "Stop IDENTIFYING with the garbage, just let it go PAST," and I feel he's quite directly talking to me, since I HAD been savoring each bit, and I say that in the reports, ending with, "But I figured that since I seemed so uncomfortable while it seemed that nothing was happening, I must have been processing a lot," and he says, "Yes, you WERE processing a lot of garbage." Richard gets more hot flashes in his groin, and he's the only one left to brush down when I put my chair away, so we do it, and he clasps me VERY firmly, and I smile in my falsest possible way to "think" him for his attentions. Dorothy and Malcolm are particularly radiant, and they get to do each other. Michael nodded out at one time, having to be brought back, and Kathy kept talking about the pains she had throughout the session. Elliott reports almost a transcendental experience of standing outside himself watching himself processing, which had been happening all week, and Tony had his usual negative remarks. They found that Lois couldn't really process two people thoroughly at once, so they cut it down to singles for $30 and found that she could stay an additional two weeks for processing. No class next week, we're supposed to continue practicing the Reunion in Consciousness three or four times every week (Marilyn asked about that, and obviously others had asked the previous two weeks, and Bruce got rather incensed about the repetition). I felt that I was letting things be, but that they weren't "being" terribly positively, and again I questioned myself for BEING here, except that it WAS interesting enough to continue with, doing SOMETHING that promised SOME kind of mental exercising.
DIARY 12362
10/15/77
ARM-AND-HAND SESSION WITH JAN IN ACTUALISM
She ushers me into the next apartment and tells me to take off my shirt, and then my undershirt, and to lay on my back on the table. I suggest the red-gold to work with, and she says OK, that it wouldn't have gone into abeyance if I'd just practiced about a half hour ago. She then makes a cap of my hands over my head and tells me to unify, and then moves to the left side and starts pressing down on the nerves just alongside the neck, through the shoulder and into the underarm area, then down the arm for a bit before raising my arm over my head and working on the inside of the upper arm. I hadn't showered since last night and felt vaguely tacky, but she didn't find the need to say anything. Then she lowers the arm and sits at my waist and works on the left hand very much as she did in the hand session: digging deep into the flesh of the palm to get past the muscles to the nerves, sort of separating the tendons at the wrist and down the hand, and then working methodically with each finger from the palm to the end, wriggling each joint, at one point slipping off and tsking at herself, and laying them out on the table afterwards. She pauses, then asks for the difference, and I laugh, saying "I was waiting for that," and said it felt that it curved differently. Working in the same manner on the right side, it seems she dug in even deeper, and in the fleshy part of the thumb there was the closest she came to causing me pain, my face working a bit, and she'd told me to tell her if she bore down too hard, but I didn't have to, figuring that the more she could work through the better. I didn't feel as if I were cooperating that much physically, but my arms felt so much better at the end that I joked that now I'd have to have something on the back to equalize that section of my body, and she suggested that maybe we could work on the feet next. When she said I should relax and assimilate for 10 minutes, I asked for the time, she said 12:15, and I said "Five minutes"? and then was up on the side of the bed when she came back in. Didn't feel that the work on the arms added THAT much to the work on the hands, which took over 2/3 the time of the session, but at least I've experienced what another of their techniques is. Her voice seemed unnaturally calm and soothing, and her manner completely professional and together. I talked much less this time than before, and even forgot to ask if she noticed the same "possibility of trouble" in the hand she'd noticed before.
DIARY 12367
10/18/77
ACTUALISM INSIGHTS
So many things seem just CLEARER during some of the practice: sitting getting LOTS of processing done with the general magnetic-consuming-dynamic, and remember that I did it very STRONGLY yesterday morning, and wonder if that might not be one of the reasons for feeling so AWFUL yesterday (see DIARY 12368): I'd worked beyond where I should have worked, and left scars that had to have time to heal. But THAT gets me into the usual: but that's only my IMAGINATION that would make it so/ so it seems that Actualism really DOES work/ so I'm kidding myself/ so it's been proved to me/ so I can't tell with undoubted accuracy WHICH is which! Then I think of "harmonizing the system with the sun" and "get" that it means to BRING THE SYSTEM INTO THE STATE OF EXISTING WITHIN A CONDITION OF "PEACE BE STILL," and it seems so much more VALUABLE than just an uncertain section of the processing. Brain-mind goes following the idea of just "being still," and at another moment I'm thinking about the neat assimilation by the dynamic, seeing the field and body as a matrix of points from which low-frequency energies are drawn, purified, and then the essence is assimilated into those of different matrix positions in the three-dimensional (or more) creation. And I quickly expand that idea to the UNIVERSE being a matrix of points that just IS, with particles here and there going in such and such a direction with such and such a velocity. Think of my story "LIVE," in which the computer comes out with the equation of the universe, and I think it might not be so much to come up with: at least in mathematical terms, the state of existence is only some f(x) coupled with some f(y) coupled with some f(z), with some time function: f(t), and maybe a f(u) and f(v) thrown in for higher dimensions, different frequencies, unknowns, which can be generalized into a f(xn), where n is 1,2,3,4,HOWEVER MANY. Particles are bundles of energy E, so each point p(x,y,z,u,v,t) has a +Ea coming into it and a -Eb leaving it, and some f(E) around it = 0, except at some theoretical black hole where there's a -f(E) and some theoretical white hole where there's a +f(E), so the SUMMATION p over all n is the state of the universe through all dimensions of time, space, and unknown. There's a good feeling through this that's not easily transmitted into words on paper, but it's THERE.
DIARY 12391
10/25/77
ACTUALISM INTRO TAPE
"INTRODUCTION TO ACTUALISM" TAPE - 45 MINUTES
1. Introduction - 9 minutes
The Four Laws of Actualism
1) Thought directs energy.
2) Energy follows thought.
3) Obstructions to energy-flow cause pain.
4) Energy is concentrated where thought is focused.
RULE: THINK, LET, OBSERVE, AND EXPERIENCE POWER.
2. To FOREBRAIN - 4 minutes
3. To UPPER ROOM and WHITE STAR - 2 minutes
4. DOWNPOUR - 12 minutes
5. Spin counterclockwise looking down from top - 8 minutes
6. Spin clockwise - 4 minutes
7. Conclusion...to "radiant sun of manifestation." - 6 minutes
DIARY 12403
10/27/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #15
Malcolm's getting out of a cab, looking dynamite, and he hugs Marilyn when she gets off the elevator, but I can't believe Bruce when he says they've been dating. Kathy is sitting on the floor, Lois comes out of 1600 to hug and kiss everyone, and Rich Semmel and ??? some OTHER Rich, and how BIZARRE that I'd messed up my list and included TOM'S plumpish, full-haired Rich Semmel WITH the balding Rich who'd lived so far from work that he had to get up at 5 am!---come out of the previous class, and they've just been initiated into First Advanced, and Rich is number 670, and I was 626 back on August 3, so there have been about 40 in the last three months from other centers. In and Rebekah gets increasingly nasal sitting in front of the open window, even with her yellow beret on, and her part of the prologue is the most emotionally affecting of the whole thing: speaking of Truth being ALWAYS Beautiful brings tears to my eyes. Faye and Elliott are absent, so there are only 10 of us, and when she announces that our meeting with Carol Ann will be the Sunday after Thanksgiving, Michael gets VERY annoyed and says that he and Dorothy were planning to be MARRIED on the Wednesday evening with Carol Ann, but then said he'd plan to be there anyway, getting back from his children in Florida earlier. Then we're into the tape, and Russell changes tones as the tapes are spliced. Didn't care for the gush of goo when Rebekah said "We have RUSSELL tonight." Marilyn even said that she SENSED him in the room, as Rebekah mentioned. She formed the hierarchy very slowly, and I had no reactions, following everything, but I missed the name "Gabriel" which I was listening for in Eden to see WHICH gives the sword for the Power Ray, so I blanked out there. Then coming down through the Emotional level I feel a DISTINCT twinge of pain in my left clavicle, so unusual that I remember to report it. Down at Centers 4 or 5 I hear a sound, immediately think "That's someone crying, it's Richard," and then seem to hear it's only the water cooler gurgling. At the reports, Richard shares that he felt VERY SAD during Center 5, and I debate whether I can mention his name, and Rebekah laughs and says "No four-letter words." Everyone thinks my hearing him is amazing, and I never DID find if he actually sobbed aloud. Otherwise, as I experienced and reported, there was so little going on that I had to feel myself balanced between accusing myself of doing it all wrong, as I had been doing all week, or that nothing was going on, with the idea that if anything WASN'T working, it would be more obvious to my Thinker-Knower than it seemed to be. She kept talking about doubts, and I kept hoping that in some way my doubts would be solved, but I can't think how they'd be remedied without some EXTRAORDINARY physical occurrence that my mind couldn't refute. Merely "not hearing" things on the tape is getting to be so tame I'm eager for some more spectacular proof, and thinking the water cooler was Richard crying isn't it yet. Dorothy talked about a feeling of distance between herself and what was happening, and I said I felt that too, except that it was sort of on the knife edge of being at the effect of "it's not working" and falling asleep. Rebekah said that it was good to maintain a distance from LOW frequency images, which should be distanced and non-identified, but it wasn't good to distance from the TRUTH, or from the Human, or from the Immortal, as people tended to do. I agreed, but felt that some part of it applied to me. People often responded that it was the most powerful lesson they ever had, without stating anything that would SHOW me how, or in which way, it was so. Maureen said that she intuited that despair came from fear, an inversion of Wisdom, so she used wisdom light through the past week, and I could have used such an insight. Tony reported (in his woolen red turtleneck) that it felt VERY warm during the evening, which wasn't true just then, but he figured if he had to go through THAT, he would, and I thought it was so warm at one point I rolled up my shirtsleeves, but I figure we just THINK harder when the tape recorder is on, so there's SOME basis for the idea of the room generating heat. The power didn't SEEM particularly intellectual, but when Kathy said she was still assimilating, Rebekah said that it might take all of us a couple of DAYS to really feel what we'd gotten tonight, and then we're REALLY going to be processing.
DIARY 12416
10/31/77
IDEAS BEFORE LIGHTWORK
1) The BEAUTY of the statement "What is, is," lies in the SURE KNOWLEDGE that this is ONE correct statement that can apply to EVERYTHING THAT IS. It's a START of some kind of body of organized knowledge, or its CORE. I felt, like Katherine in Virginia Woolf'S "Day and Night" that I held the world, complete, in my hand, perfectly understood. Things had been moving TOWARD that with Actualism and hoping to come to MYSELF at the bottom of it all, even thinking of REALLY working honestly with Lois tomorrow, saying that I AM like everyone else, except that I'm NOT, and that leads to the SECOND:
2)
X APPEARS TO BE Y BUT IT MAY BE Z.
I appear to be alone but I may be connected to everyone
Actualism appears to be true but it may be false.
I appear to be something special but I may be like everyone else.
I appear to be like everyone else but I may be something special.
Dianetics appears to be like est but it may be falser or truer.
ESP appears to be lots of hoaxes but some of them may be REAL ESP.
The mind appears to be complicated but it may be simple and complete.
I could go on in this vein for a long while, but it occurs to me that this implies that there ARE answers: I may be ALONE now and TOGETHER with everyone after I die. I may never die, but be reborn with no knowledge of any previous lives. But, to circle back to 1, WHATEVER IS, IN FACT is, and my knowing just WHAT that is makes no difference to IT. It's all inside my head (as Blackwood said once, to give me a visionary instant), and at least I have to do SOMETHING to spread it around, to communicate it, to publish it more widely, and again I'm getting back to the idea of writing again (see DIARY 12414). Since it SEEMS to be good for me, let's just hope that I'm left with some PRODUCTIVE practice for the 3 weeks that they're back in California, so that I'll be nurtured in my writing. But then it's up to ME, and I'd like to check things with Pope so (and I call him NOW, but there's no answer, drat!) that I could get the "encouragement" that it IS in the productive, creative line to write, and maybe even get an indication of WHICH to concentrate on that would have the most ASTROLOGICAL chance of succeeding, and I might even try to get LOIS to say something about what I should do!
DIARY 12424
11/2/77
FOOT SURGERY WITH LOIS
She, like Joan Ann, offers me coffee that I refuse, so she sits me down in the chair and tells me to take off my shoes to plant my feet on the floor, and I tell her about Rebekah's vision of armored organs, but Lois says that feet are important for GROUNDING anything, and that seems to be what I'm lacking. We talk about energies, and I say "Peace" was "Warlike" and liked Wisdom-light, but she says she always works in Radiant Warrior for the "antiseptic action on each of the little cells" and I think of the Dianetics books I'm reading now, sitting on the sofa next to me. She quickly directs clearing of field, then lights RW and sends it down between feet, balancing between home-centers of feet, expanding of 300 feet and "drawing in" low frequency. She starts coughing and "ak-ak"ing, but I'm content to be silent, and she periodically asks me now my feet feel. I start by feeling tingles, good heel and sole contact, but my toes start unfeeling, then progress to sensing them as little nubbins sticking out from a fat foot (shades of---AHA, ENGRAMS OF PAIN OF INGROWN TOENAILS---podiatrists saying I have fat toes), like tiny lollipops on ends of sticks stuck into foot end. She goes through and strips things away, strips things away, and I end up feeling good sense in my feet, and finally find that I have KNUCKLES on my toes, which she seems to appreciate, and then when she says to ASSIMILATE, I get a twinge on the front of my right ankle and think, "I used to be numb in the legs, now that I have feeling I'll be sensing where things are REALLY wrong," and that SEEMS to close things down, because when I report, somewhat confusedly and hesitantly, that they feel COVERED (thinking it might be a step in the right direction, as when I THOUGHT of my right foot for the first time, it seemed to SWELL UP from being only bone to FLESH and bone, as if THINKING about it were necessary for it to have its (I WAS going to say ACTUAL, but that's too loaded) proper shape, and she made encouraging noises at me then), and she observed, "Yes, they're wrapped up like mummies," and she proceeded to get the wrappings off. I expected to feel flayed then, but questions arose and I decided to GET to them. "I don't sense brilliant lights or tremendous expansion like some people report in class, and I feel left out." she assured me that SOME people felt things right away, but MOST people felt as I felt then, and felt good things only LATER ON. I should be truthful about what I feel, so that she can work, and when I talk to Bruce just now he says that 105 minutes is a long session, did I have a lot to work on, and I guess I did! I talked about how some people dramatized, and she said "That's ONLY drama, the only thing that's about IS drama," and I was glad to hear that, but then brought up the old Gibran quotation: "You can only hold as much joy as pain has hollowed you out," and she gave the perfect answer, "The PAIN is from life, not from Actualism; you've HAD the pain, now we're getting you ready for the joy" (the last is MINE, but it's in the spirit of what she said). When I pictured my toes in a certain way, she insisted that I get in touch with the Immortal for the ACTUAL design, or else I'd be stuck with the useless, improper images and nothing would be changed, I wasn't to construct an IDEALIZED image, because that would be that I wouldn't have EITHER, but the crux seemed to be to get in touch with the DESIGN in the mind of the Immortal, and that felt pretty good, too. At one point I loosened my socks, which let my toes fall more firmly on the floor, and I actually pre-saw that she was going to work with the rest of the legs, saying that my thighs felt good too; and with the rest of the body, saying that the whole thing felt together, and at each step she'd say "Let's absorb the essence of that," and sit silently and then go into her hacks, and then come out of it while I wiped the tears from my cheeks and ask how I felt, and I ended up feeling pretty good, saying it, and saying that I felt more PRECISELY in my feet than I ever did before, and was looking forward to the session with the hands. Asked if I should have a body session, and she said it would be GREAT to help unloading. I should stay in the red sun which she brought down for bathing and healing all the cells, then go BACK to the red sun (which I JUST remembered I didn't---JUST did it, and was it my imagination the rhythm of my typewriter motor changed when I expanded the healing rays of the Red Sun?) for sleeping Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Good session, and I said as much to Bruce when he called, excited at meeting Russell.
DIARY 12428
11/4/77
ACTUALISM FIRST ADVANCED #16
Barbara Lea is a pinch-faced older woman from Connecticut who's been away for "a LONG time," but Faye gives me a bright hello, and Malcolm and Janet aren't there. Rebekah gets right to her cheery business, and as I report at the end: I heard the water cooler gurgle when no one was drinking from it, heard the sheet fall off the coordinating desk, moved my shoulders when you talked about maybe moving them in working in the yoke (didn't remember to say but intended), felt that I was moving around more than usual, heard other people moving too (heard what I thought was Richard, but it was TONY trying to purr like a cat, as Marilyn reported)---had before confessed that this was much better than the red-gold, that I'd missed a few times and tried just before going to sleep, and assumed the Immortal finished the lesson for me, but aside from that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Oh, I knew I'd blinked out for a bit when we were in the Pituitary, and then she mentioned the pituitary AND pineal, so we'd gotten to the Pineal, without my being aware of it. And WHEN she said to shrug our shoulders I didn't know that we were IN the yoke, so I didn't hear us getting there. Couldn't remember the sensory lifebelt "starting" with the lungs (which I felt NO difference in), though she DID go through the lit plexi beforehand. Of course, the introductory speech about "feeling the energies, connecting them through the mind, assimilating all that stray data into awareness, something you needed, going to be great and very helpful" may have served to bring up ALL my images of NOT getting anything, so I have to process all of them before I can GET to something, but let's hope that all the processing I did without CALMNESS will lead me to be CALM through the fuss about NOT getting anything when we're supposed to be getting something so that I can get THAT LATER. Tony reported almost BLISS, Michael STILL couldn't see clearly, Kathy interestingly reported pain, even Maureen had GREAT things to say about the session (though now that I RECALL, not too many of them said anything about all these SENSATIONS---Maureen of LIGHT, but not of ELECTRIC BLUE light), and of course Rebekah said it was all fine, except she frowned a bit (saying that THAT was one of the areas to be relieved) between the eyes when I finished with the somewhat bombshell "NOTHING else happened."
