Actualism notes
DIARY 13274
8/9/78
ACTUALISM BODY SESSION ON DENNIS
He trots out his white star and lays on the table, and I put my hands on his nude body and take out some of the more loaded phrases from the gathering, but I can't seem to get into the White Star, so I guess I remain in Subtle Warrior, which Linda later said I shouldn't have (see DIARY 13275). Explain it to him as I go along, saying that this is for the neck, this is for the spine, this is for the hip, this is the trapezium, spinal channel, hip bone, and his neck seems very stiff, but he says he can feel everything that I'm doing and it's making quite an impression on him. He loves the brushdown of the hand, and then flinches when I insert the elbow into the back, and as I get into the center of the back he doesn't cough, but I seem to be pushing obstructions farther and farther down, until in an abrupt change there's a wide-open channel. He senses that there's tightness there, and later says that his back has always been a problem, and details ways in which Richard, his voice teacher, has been trying to get him to ease up inside his own body and strengthen his lungs. Down at the hips he's so little padded that every time I touch he flinches, until I ask if he's flexing purposely and he says no, so I wait for his initial spasm to finish and then move into the movement, sometimes waiting in the middle for some new tremor to pass. He says that he can really feel it, though he's reluctant to move around when I say things like lengthening and shortening his leg, and he says that "At one point I started getting an erection." "Where?" "In my penis." "No, I mean which side," and it turns out it only occurred to him LATER than I did first the left and then the right side: he only knew it to be "in the middle of the back." At one point I felt some of HIS tightness in my neck, and later Linda said that I should use HIS blazing fires in the field to consume HIS low frequency, so that I wouldn't be saddled with it, and then I could assimilate the essence that he leaves over, and even then I probably wouldn't absorb all of it that's available for me. He liked it, seemed slightly disappointed when I blackmailed him with "a lesson a session" but he might actually get into it if the idea of the bodywork turns him on enough.
DIARY 13275
8/9/78
ACTUALISM NSH T&R #1 WITH LINDA
Lea greets me cheerfully, saying she's looking forward to NYC, had been here for 10 hectic days choosing a college, specialized in teaching basic, will soon move into teaching First Advanced, will be giving O-V intros and T&Rs, and is one of 4 people trained to do Clearing in Consciousnesses (Lois and Carol Ann and ??), and then Linda arrives and she's looking great, and she says we can sit and talk about questions, so I find with small bodies to use lots of LITTLE passes, the first trapezium is FROM D1 across to CSJ, the SECOND is "back pushing" against the top; the elbow arrow is more effective if the elbow's at 45, and there's a jog BACK after passing the bony part of the sacrum at B; past the hip joint work lightly ACROSS LEG BONE, and the fill-ins take up MUCH more room than I'd thought, each overlapping, and for bouncing of tendons, shorten path, and for hamstrings bear down on wrist. Then we're across the hall and I sit while she gets onto table, and she's VERY clear of skin and hardly haired and big breasted, and probably Bruce will have a FIT working on her. She says I can dig in with the knuckle, and she likes the precision of my work, says it can be heavier, LIKES the feel of what I do to the spine except that I should come BACK DOWN and ROLL IT OUT with more pressure (which is what Bruce said), and she said that the work on the hip felt VERY good, I could go way IN to the center of the legs, and that the OUTER work was REALLY great, now I should work on the inner: blazing up the energies (using a sigil only when the BODY of it matched the energy being used), using BOTH magnetic and dynamic to merge with the workee, and lasering back and forth where I felt the obstructions, pausing BEFORE starting a motion, but generally carrying THROUGH a motion despite flinches. I can learn to tune in more, pay less attention to the form and more to the inner work, and she wrote "Linda * Great!" much to my delight, in my book, saying that Dennis's work was fine, my 5 next week great, and that I should ask Winston what to use with acupuncture. Will probably not be TOO long before I have my SECOND one with her, and in no time I'll be up to $5, have my name on the board, and start meeting more of the students who come here to see me!
DIARY 13283
8/10/78
ACTUALISM 1ST ADV #42
Sue cautions us to be quiet (I'd crowed to Sue Lieber and Dorothy Kent downstairs about my star in NSH T&R) because there's a class next door, and then Winston comes out about 8:10 and says "Oh, we're all here," and there are only 8 of us, least number since a year ago June 27, and only Richard is the male (?) besides me and Winston. Alice is sitting there fatly, I burble "I'm Bob," and bubble again about my T&R and bodywork and THEN he announces it's the "Springtime of Youth" energy of Light Green, and I figure I've been appropriate. As I say in the report "It's a good thing I know how to report, since 6 months ago I would have reported an AWFUL session: hot, fidgety, sleepy, not hearing what was said; and NOW I can just say I did a LOT of processing!" Everyone agrees that's the way to say it. I'd gotten a great kick out of the rejuvenation of emotional relationships on the outer at the Emotional Level and emotional relationships on the inner at Center 7, and remembered that Center 6 was a very good one, but could barely recall the words. Alice said that since "a lot of you were going out and in" we may have missed that this is an aspect of the Physician, and I burbled AGAIN that I HAD missed it. Winston acknowledges that Meg's had these all, Cathy looks very sophisticated with her new short hairdo (and I say "I was surprised, too," and she delightedly pushes me away the length of the corridor in "anger." She says she wants to set up a body session, too). Maureen and I chat about Leonard Orr, when Winston keeps insisting that we can do away with mass-mind effects and get rid of aging obstructions and get into rejuvenating (he doesn't quite call it "youthing" yet), and Marilyn's tanned and talking MORE about how comfortable she feels in her body, and Barbara goes into a DETAILED description of hallucinations at EACH level. Alice speaks better than she looks, though her hands sort of endlessly twitch in her lap, and I'd opened my eyes a lot to keep awake and noticed Winston sort of fanning things in and out of his field: it was so hot I kept wiping my wet wrists and felt to offer Meg a tissue after she brushed me down, but we hugged nicely, and it'll be nice to get to a point where SHE'S learning something new, too, which means First Advanced, but we now have 14 energies and might get ONE more 8/23---and maybe I can see now it IS a disadvantage to know how far along we are!
DIARY 13286
8/11/78
TRACK-OUT WITH ALICE
She's waiting for me, saying that it's $30, and she says something about a track-out, and I ask "What IS that?" and she seems to be saying that it has more to do with a whole RANGE of things from the past rather than just a specific relationship that should be worked out. I say that I might be wanting a track-out, and she checks to see that she has the required two hours available, and says we can talk about it. I give her the background of why I wanted an X-out: feeling that some things were going too slowly so I was impatient; feeling that I had lifted my foot and wanted to know where to put it down; feeling that I was carrying along a lot of stuff from the past that prevented me from looking freshly at the "now." She said a few more things about X-outs, emphasizing mainly the magnetic-dynamic "catch" of the relationship, and that didn't sound much like it, and then talked about relationships again when talking about the track-out, but then said that it lasted into the future for as much as a couple of months, so that something that I THOUGHT I'd learned, which kept being challenged by old friends, could be PROVED in experience, and this sounded like what I was wanting, so we started. She took a LONG time gathering the Hierarchy-forces together, after asking me if I'd formed it, and she kept talking about the other immortals who would be asked for the releases that would be coming during the session, and I instantly got a picture of Mom on the premises, and wondered if I'd have to deal with HER again. She started burping (Alice, not Mom) and going into it, and I looked at Mom, and Dad, and Dennis, and found that things HAD been bad, but they were pretty good NOW, and I said, for the first comment, "I wish I knew whether something was Actual or just wishful thinking." Not to be drawn in, Alice asked, "What do you mean?" I said "I was thinking about Mom, who came in right away, and I thought I'd dealt with her (but you'll ALWAYS have her to deal with, said Alice), but then I thought it might BE OK with her. She asked whether I got the force to "be perfect" from her, and I said that it was practically DESPITE her, and so then she took the perfectly reasonable tack the Mom might have made me feel WORTHLESS, which I was now COMPENSATING for to be perfect in all ways. THAT sounded good! We worked first on the MENTAL level, looking at the magnetic-dynamic actions, she going through many levels, me copiloting with the Immortal and staying in Time-Space to report, and she said that she had gotten some sort of release like that, which would free lots of my magnetic and dynamic for assimilation. Then we got into the emotional level, and I felt tears coming to my eyes as I thought of how I'd gone through the LSD and cried when someone said their father said "You're a grand son." Then I connected that Mom had always made Dad the villain, so I told Alice some of the background, and she immediately leapt on it about homosexuality, since I'd been talking about my relationship with Dennis, and she said that I could be looking for the father that I'd wanted and never had, where I was thinking that I was trying to ACT like an ordering, loving, but demanding father to him. But if I didn't treat Dennis like an errant child, I could open the space up for talking about the relationship as it MIGHT be. Told her about some of this, and then we went through the Emotional, where I teared a lot, and said that maybe THIS was the reason I felt teary when someone complimented me, that I'd wanted DAD to do this, and he never did, and that affected ALL my reactions toward praise, MAYBE SO MUCH THAT I WAS AFRAID OF PRAISE, SINCE it would make me cry, and THAT felt like a good thing to let go of, just ACCEPT the praise and ENJOY it, rather than crying over it. I SAID that some of the things I might let go of reluctantly, and there IS a certain sweetness about the tears, but let's try it the other way. Then she went into the body and I started thinking ahead, where some of the "obligations" of the coming days seemed like "duties," NOW they began to seem more like PLEASURES to be enjoyed WHILE I was doing them, rather than things to be gotten through to only bring me face to face with the NEXT set of duties. She took the clue and started talking more and more about leaving the past behind, forgetting about the future, and just living more fully from moment to moment (maybe she was afraid that such homely advice would leave me cold, but I find that I need it more and more). She also said something about my being afraid to tell someone that I needed help, and THIS helped a lot, too, thinking that I COULD talk honestly with Dennis with his understanding, and the image of crying in his arms in gratitude came and was processed: that's part of the old picture of crying when happy---why not trying being HAPPY when happy? She said she saw signs of sadness and rage underneath, and I interjected, "And Anger, too," and she said, "Yes, rage is anger," and I thought of the reactions of various people when I "observed the facts" and Mrs. Watson said I was arguing, and others took the immediate defensive. Then she started talking about judgmentalism, and we were really into the thick of it: I decided way before hand whether I would like or dislike something, so that too took the pleasure of the moment away from me. With all these "releases" which she commented about and seemed to clearly see, she said there was more free dynamic, not freed from being stuck in others' magnetics, and more free magnetic, now that I'd released those dynamics from the past, and she even, I think, said something about opening up the body and not being so tense, which is exactly what I'm doing with acupuncture, what will help me with the present soreness of the back of the neck from typing on a strange typewriter at Springer-Verlag, and made me look forward to the unifying of the magnetic with the dynamic, "getting even MORE of you, and a you that's capable of greater activity and new actions." It sounded like it might be good, sounded like things were being done, and I said (when she said we'll work in the human, and I got not much from it) that even my old brain-mind hassle didn't come up when I didn't observe anything, and she said that was good, and then agreed with me when I said that this was like erasing the blackboard in the field so that new material could be written on it. Though maybe she paused because there'd better be NOTHING on it, so there's nothing to erase in the future. Talked about the appropriateness of being in the Springtime of Youth energy now, had done the working in Radiant Warrior (the joyful warrior, as she put it), and she looked to see where I am, and I suspect there's ANOTHER warrior coming up, and SHE didn't even hesitate to say that as I got into second advanced I'd find interesting, organized workings-out.
DIARY 13294
8/14/78
ACTUALISM NSH BODYWORK ON JOAN ANN
Her body is quite fair but VERY muscled at the neck, and I got by doing circles before cervicals, so I have to repeat, and I'm sweating quite a bit, but she says I have a GREAT scoop on the spine, didn't leave a load on the top of her head, reminded me about the power ray in the Gold we were working in, cautioned me to go lighter in the center of her back where she had her fractured ribs, didn't say anything about my flying blind over her enormously padded buttocks so that I couldn't even FEEL any of the bones, but she said that it was a good session and that I could do her again if I wanted, and she said "I'm $7, so I owe you $3," so at least I don't have to be awkward about the uneven-moneyed trades with her. Glasses were still dirty from her dinner party last night for the Actualism staff and Valda and Bernice (who brought awful watermelon soup and a simpery salad, according to Joan Ann) and Bob Dukes (who, she said snidely, hardly ever shows up for body sessions since he resists them so strongly, missing over half of them and "rightly" only making a tentative date for it), and she said that when she had them over in Basic, it was obviously a duty they didn't relish, when she was in first it was better, but they still had to light the place more so they could be comfortable in it, and then when she was in second, Bruce Jaffe set up "a part of the Deva" there so she could do HER sessions, and now that she's almost in third, they seemed to ENJOY it, particularly after some "Velvet Hammers" that I finished some of: ice cream, cream, vodka, and Kahlua, which was the "Actualism national drink, with a punch afterward," and she described Winston flying around getting all 10 of her music boxes going at the same time, singing all the while, and how poor Jan was delegated previously to sit in the corner and blaze up the field so that the others could enjoy themselves. So I guess it's proper to wait until I get into second, and then worry if I should have Dennis along---but I'll HAVE to, since he wants it almost as much as I do, but maybe they can put up with ONE, though if they get a sense of what's gone on here, they may never return. Then she talked about her "artistic" porno shots in her apartment straddling her table base, her clipping of her cunt for posing, her thought that NO cunt would be beautiful, and that Ms. Magazine would LOVE "Therapy Parody." but I was highly activated simply because her body was so DIFFICULT to work under the padding.
DIARY 13300
8/15/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON AMY SECOND TIME
She's activated about the book "Amityville Horror," and she feels that it's low frequency, but she obviously loves to be scared. She gave her LWS, Adam, the body session, which he liked, and seemed interested when I said that I TOLD Dennis what I was working on, and what was going on, as Adam had requested she do, and "tell Russell other things to change, too." She has done three bodies and is pleased with them, wants to do me when she calls next, and went to the table quickly after some D-cell water which she said tasted good. Though the room was quite warm, and I found myself sweating and wetting my sport shirt, she chilled a couple of times, though she said that was just her body's way of reacting and throwing off loads, as was the jump her buttocks gave once when I said I was sorry and she said it wasn't a BAD thing at all. Knowing more what to do, I felt easier through the whole session, and some times even getting an untoward feeling that I REALLY knew what I was doing, and she kept yawning and saying she was about to fall asleep she was feeling so good. Went a little harder on her in some places, and she didn't seem to mind it, and afterwards she kept crowing about how PRECISE she seemed to feel me as being, how I knew exactly what I was doing, and I thought that our working in Higher Will may have been part of the success, and was glad that Dorothy Kent, coming later, was in her same class. She's done Susan and other women in her class, said that I was doing a lot, but that I was just so PERFECT that anyone who took it with me would feel good. She did want the sheet up over her, seemed to have developed somewhat more of a trapezius from before, and I also felt for the first time that I went around a female's hip in a somewhat directed way, but can only hope that if I was ever NOT on the right spot, she'd tell me, and she kept insisting that everything was so perfect, and she'd been so quick to say what was wrong before that I was inclined to believe her, even thinking that I might have been flushing with pleasure, which she enjoyed, so she KEPT ON saying how good I was even AFTER I said "Thank you," and "That makes me feel good," and "It's nice to work with someone who's so responsive." Does she want sex? Coming into my bedroom directly to get me back rather than calling? Though possibly the noise of the air conditioner shut off her more silent calls.
DIARY 13301
8/15/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY KENT FIRST
She's in a dress, works for the National Council of Churches (first as a social worker's assistant, which taught her a lot about dealing with people and politicians and fund-raising donors) for a Pension Plan M.D. as a secretary, but is thinking of changing her job, but "I don't know what's keeping me there," and I say, instantly, "Fear," and she bursts into loud, long laughter. She said she's had MANY body sessions, cries a lot in surgeries with Winston and Bruce, and even a couple of times on the table (and afterwards she said I was very gentle and loving, and I said I should then be more rough, and she laughed and said not), but she can't get into the going-going-going that Susan does with all her activities, though DOROTHY has this today, surgery on her thymus last Friday, a class Wednesday, acupuncture Tuesday (beating Bruce out for the coveted 6:30 slot), and Arcane Society Thursday for full moon (ALREADY!), which Alice and Lea will be going to, says Bruce, and Dorothy says she heard rumors that Winston was in his late 30s, though Bruce insists Linda is precisely 22. Dorothy starts talking about the people who joined with us, and I said that with Bruce she's going to fill the room, and she said (with Bruce agreeing) that they were very much alike. She said she felt me as a very precise surgeon with great hands and I HAD to say that the Immortal knew more than I did, and when she kept on praising the session I confessed that I'd done Amy before, and she said she knew that, since she'd tuned in that someone was on the table when she'd called, and I wonder if Bob Dukes would know someone was on the table when HE called at 6:30 to say he's coming 8:30 tomorrow! She said "harder" in a couple of places, talked about loads in the back which I seemed to be able to feel, and had so much padding on the hip that I felt I was flying blind, yet she kept talking about my precision and exactness. So SOMETHING is going on here! I'd changed into a clean T-shirt, and still I sweated, and she wasn't the freshest person possible, but of course she HAD just put in a day's work before coming here, and now she says she'll have to do me, too, and soon it seems I might have more body sessions that I know what to do with. But as she left, with a slight hug, I said that if she knew anyone else who wanted a session, just to send them over. She laughed and said I was really into it, and I guess I am.
DIARY 13303
8/16/78
ACTUALISM NSH WITH BOB DUKES
He rides his bike over, carries it up the stairs and parks it in front of the stereo, accepts one goblet of D-cell, and sits, glowing gently in the dark, on the sofa and chats about my travels (he's seen the section, as no one else has, and remarks that his sublettor's gone to Bali, and I tell him about the burial of the king, and mention Santo Domingo a few months ago), his interest in becoming an indexer (he reads slowly but likes the idea of working inside on his own time in the winter, when he can't restore car interiors in New Jersey in his van), my living in California when he said he's lived up and down the coast, and my getting into New York cultural activities more than he's been doing yet, but he's looking for an apartment and may stay in the YMCA, pleased with his Franklin Street place for now, liking this place, never having been in Brooklyn before. Then he gets to the table at 9, saying he'll work in Cosmic Mother, and I prepare and find myself shaking a bit as I gather over his beautifully smooth, well-proportioned, tanned, orange-underweared, textbook-perfect body, and then fine he has LOTS of hair around his neck and a sort of helmet-like spur to his skull and an ear-bulge like mine, and then he keeps saying I can go heavier and heavier, later saying that this might be extreme of him, that the Human should do more than the physical, but then he says "Tune in and keep up the good pressure on the spine you had before," and I find myself looking at his body WITH the loads there, and he talks of his T&R recently, too, saying that HE, as I, was too fixed in the external procedure and now has to get into the inner work more, and we finish at 9:50, he says a rather curt "Thank you, I will," when I suggest he assimilate at the end, and find myself activated about the loveliness of his body, and I want it without knowing how to get it. He drinks more water and he talks about "waiting for directions from the inner" about either staying here or moving his new business to the West Coast, and I get the fleeting idea that THIS is where all the sexy PEOPLE will be soon, with his friends in the work, and he laughs at Joan Ann's wanting to be spoiled and do things HIS way, ending with saying that he'd offered a NUMBER of people his body for their work but they didn't take him up on it, but that it's nice that I'm into it, and he'll be doing me on Monday, but I'm to call him Sunday to make sure, and we hardly touch at all, though I brush his shoulder in affection as he leaves, and he AGREES with Dorothy Kent that I give a gentle and loving session. YEAH!
DIARY 13309
8/17/78
INSIGHTS ON BASICS AT ACTUALISM
Winston is saying something about how everything is bright even though we don't see it as bright (I'm overstating this, since my inductive leaps were larger than his saying this would imply), and I'd just been reading "The Tibetan Book of the Great Liberation" about how the Mind was Void and everything was void, and I suddenly got the insight that "empty space," which the book says was NOT void, isn't even DARK, but it's actually filled with LIGHT for two reasons: Anywhere you could go, given a sufficiently powerful telescope, you could see stars in at least one direction, so for the light of the star to enter your telescope, there would have to be light IN the space in which you were. It's just that OUR EYES (regardless of whether they see illusion or whether they see reality) aren't equipped to transmit to our brains the frequencies of light that are actually there, since our range of vision, frequency-wise, is EXTREMELY narrow. (Now that I think of it, even if the universe is NOT cyclic, forming and growing and pausing and rushing back and exploding and forming and growing again, even IT has a frequency, even though it might be the slowest conceivable actual frequency: once per eternity, but it still WOULD BE once---and I get a slight tingle that the Mind that the book endlessly talks about might BE Light AT the frequency of "once per eternity," than which no slower frequency can be, since no thing---and also Nothing, that which does NOT exist, actually could be conceptualized AS IF it exists at a frequency of "zero per eternity," that DISCRETE nonexistent frequency which is the ONLY POSSIBLE frequency LESS than the ONLY POSSIBLE LOWEST frequency of "once per eternity." This seems so marvelously PRECISE, since there is a one-to-one correspondence between the TWO LOWEST CONCEIVABLE FREQUENCIES and the TWO MOST BASIC CONCEIVABLE CONCEPTS: Nothing and Whatever-one-wants-to-call-Unity: whether it be CALLED Unity, Mind, God, Time (which also goes ONCE per eternity if the universe is NOT cyclic, and N per eternity if the universe goes through N cycles), Voidness, What IS, That-That-Is, Suchness, Urgrund (I think), Dasein (I think), THE Existential (since I haven't read Sartre, though he might come up with such a Ground of Being), Ground of Being, Unity (cycling back to the first name, am I?), Reality, Space, Aether, Energy, Cosmic Dance, Indra's Net, or IT.) As for the second reason, which is like the first, not only could you SEE stars, but the space would HAVE to be filled with energies at invisible frequencies, or possibly by some kind of definition it couldn't be part of what we call the Universe, and then degenerate into a concept that has no meaning, since it would be "part" of Nothing, and by the "zero per eternity" idea, Nothing does not exist in itself, only the concept and the word exist to point to a concept of "that" which cannot be called a "that." The SECOND insight wasn't really that, only an image, which caught on Russell's saying that "you'd consume all activations ready to be processed." But some of the energies seemed to be so "easy" that nothing much was brought up in the line of activations, which implied for a second that, then, nothing would be processed. But this was an image and I got rid of it right away. Then there was something the next afternoon about beauty: walking down the street, passing people who were very beautiful, I remembered some lines from the book, and thought that THESE people came and went in my life as they go in THEIR life: beautiful for an instant, but nothing lasts, and in a VERY short time (seconds in my life, years in their life) the beauty fades, is lost, is lamented, and only the memory lingers to continue the torment based on knowing that it can't last as long as you'd like it to last: forever, and either one goes on to another beauty to live with, to pine after, to catch sight of on the street, OR one keeps uppermost in mind that this IS all transient, an illusion, and when the desire isn't piqued as keenly as it has been: wanting, YEARNING for this beauty that I see for a second, if I could only CHANNEL that feeling into the MEMORY of the fact that even for the PERSON himself the beauty is terribly transient, too short a time to get all the pleasures involved, changes into age and degeneration, then it might help me to process these people in my VIEW as I have to process all the images that come up in the WORK, and so increasingly things are falling into place, I just hope they LAST and STAY THERE for some time.
DIARY 13312
8/17/78
SUSAN LIEBER DOES O-V ON ME
Her session didn't start until 12, scheduled for 10, since she didn't get here until 10:50, we talked until 12:05, and then she wanted time for some kind of quick session, so we really didn't get started until 12:30, and she finished with the BACK (saying that the front was optional, which I didn't know) at 1:45, which was the time I said I had to leave for acupuncture. She seemed to move faster with the vibrator, but still tended to do 8-10 repetitions (better than the 12-14 that she started out with on my neck) where only 4-6 would really be called for. She kept saying she was sorry, but she never really hurt me except on my hip, where she didn't know she was doing it so she didn't say she was sorry. But THEN she told me the story of WHO I reminded her of and WHAT she was reminded of last time on her right hip: the awfulness of being stuck in the body of a woman, and she'd fallen MADLY IN LOVE with this black gay guy, whose mother didn't like her either, and they had an affair for 5 years, had tried getting intimate after the first few meetings, but then it was "no touch," even for her picking white pieces of lint out of his afro. She saw other guys, even got engaged to one and was living with another, which drove blackie up the wall, since she said it would have been better if she'd only "been fucking around." Then she went to a group with Albert Ellis, and for weeks he'd greet her with "Fuck him yet?" She insisted, "Ours was a marvelous SOUL relationship, and some psychic said we were identical twins in a previous life, so this was NOT the way to go about it." I quickly told her about Norma and "playing in the sandbox," and finally SHE AND HE tried to do it, as a "terminal try," and it didn't work. They didn't even hug, didn't hold hands, and I suggested she was a bit of a masochist to WANT this relationship, and she had to agree, and then she went through strange spaces when I said "Smoke only if you HAVE to," and she was willing to say "I WANT to," but she said, "I KNOW I don't HAVE to, but my organizational center just went into PANIC, WANT, WANT," and finally she had the third cigarette, which helped delay until I was sort of spaced out going to the subway for acupuncture, thankfully the last in a time (see DIARY 13313).
DIARY 13314
8/17/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON PAT MANDINO
SHE, like Bob Dukes, has only had a year or so of college but just SEEMS so intelligent that you would THINK they had an advanced degree. So together, so tranquil, so attractive, I find Actualism CAN improve people, or they were well on their way to being together at the start. Her body isn't easy: her neck is taut, making it hard to dive through for the bones below, and she wanted it hard on the cervical muscles, so I pushed in. She could retract the cricoid, or whatever bone sometimes intervenes between the neck and the CSJ, and that caused a laugh, and then when she reminded me that I'd forgotten to go up and down AND across before asking to lengthen and shorten the leg, I THEN forgot to lengthen and shorten the LEG. She'd been standing on her shoulders a long time last night and had a swelling just below D-1 that made it hard to decide just where things were, and she had to help me there. SHE didn't give the outrageous praise of the others, just said it was good, and that she'll be back on Tuesday to give me my O-V, since I'll be having a NSH on Monday from Bob and on Wednesday from Dorothy. My VOICE (this is my day for "you remind me of" (see DIARY 13312)) reminds her of an old friend that her best girlfriend stole from her: sort of professorial, interested in books and the arts, and SHE was into painting and sculpture (forgot that Susan told me about the "frame-it-yourself" place on 72nd that she liked so much), and had been two weeks in a job in Giardelli's, or some such fancy Italian restaurant on Pearl Street, under the boss woman of a huge Germanic lady like from "Seven Beauties," but she used energies and now they're friends, and she likes the short hours and good pay, and is impressed with my indexing work. She'd been a secretary, but she likes getting money for singing and sculpting and dancing lessons, and only now is her apartment getting enough together that she can begin to think of offering her name on the board, which she couldn't do before. We had a lot of laughs together, and for awhile I thought she was in Susan's class but she's in Bruce's, so I'm beginning to work my way through the curriculum, now have to do Sue Holt to do someone in HER group, and then start working on the "beginners" after I GET MY NAME ON THE BOARD FOR $5, which I should have THIS WEEK, and I'll have to have ANOTHER T&R, and hopefully the INNER work is better, as Pat said it WAS, in WISDOM, ANOTHER new energy to work in, surprisingly!
DIARY 13315
8/17/78
ACTUALISM 1AD #43
I'm late at 8:20, piss quickly and get water, and Winston asks for reports and they're mostly good, and then we get into the session, and I have two TREMENDOUS insights (see DIARY 13309-13310) about space being filled with LIGHT and not being DARK, and about processing only what's ACTIVATED. Feel very concentrated, so that I sit up in chair and almost don't move, even though it's quite hot, though it's nice to feel the coolness of the fan moving across me in its cycle, until just before the end, when I have to relax my cramped sacroiliac. It's steady to sit in shorts and cup my hands over my knees and sort of LOCK into his voice, though I miss the nose (and others mention it) and Winston says something enigmatic like "I censored some joke I was going to tell and ended up censoring the whole thing" which makes me think maybe HE didn't give it and the others imagined that he DID. I tell about the crepitation in my scalp on the upper right as we went into the pituitary, how I'd "become a Dumbo without the trunk," since I missed the nose, and felt in general that things were going well, in fact during the last week I was even something of a BRAT, and he said that was ONE way to invert the energy. The other way was Dorothy's, who said she got very activated because she thought it was RIGHT to get old and withered and gray, and it's NOT right to reverse that and stop the degeneration process. Barbara came up with loads of images which she recognized as images and would have to process, and announced she'd bring in flyers next week for her performances in two weeks "one, for you, a freebie, the other legitimate." I asked Dorothy to exchange JUST as she was thinking of getting a NSH appointment from Lea, whom I asked why I wasn't on the chart, and she said "Only for those at $5," and I pointed to Bob Dukes for $3, and she said she'd check, but I said "I'll be at $5 in no time, anyway, and it could be by SATURDAY if Don and Ernie come over tonight and Bruce comes over Saturday!" Kathy said she hadn't moved into town yet, but we'd exchange, Michael was delighted to look like a Boy Scout, since it was the happiest time of his childhood, Marilyn waved her hands, Maureen had fewer pains than usual, but Richard unloaded a pile of stuff about working with 1000 crazies with tubes and shit and screaming and outrage all over the place, and Meg was bored for a bit before THAT image hit, and she helped take away my yoke pain in her nice brushdowns.
DIARY 13319
8/18/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON ERNIE
He keeps saying he's very sensitive, and there are lots of obstructions in various channels and areas, though the legs are very open. He likes it, saying that he sees the White Star "going both counterclockwise and clockwise at the same time," so I give him permission to eliminate and assimilate at the same time, but I feel I'd have to check that with Linda, too. Since Don slept through most of the intro tape, he didn't get nearly as much out of it as Ernie, though they both came up with the unusual feeling of being "weighted down" when I brushed down one arm, although Ernie reported his left side as "lighter" when I finished with the one side, doing both in about a half an hour, since it was already late and we hadn't eaten yet. I told them to watch for the humor on the tape, and on the table Ernie asked me where it was, and I could repeat the "and your mind ends up over there somewhere" without the details to make it stick, and he didn't appreciate the "think of the star now, not a clock," and I couldn't think of the third time, but Don was asleep so quickly it wouldn't have made any difference, except that I know he survived through the prologue and got lost somewhere in letting the downpour concentrate in various sections of the body. The dogs started to whine and scratch in the bathroom, and I fervently wished them to shut up and they did, sufficiently. Ernie visualized the star with "thousands of spiky points," and asked up at Don when he's already asleep again in the living room. Don said he just saw a CLOUD, and Ernie suggested that he couldn't very well spin a cloud in any direction, and Don said he kept ordering it to do things and it wouldn't, and he seemed to believe me when I said the same happened to me, but that the Immortal moved it exactly where it wanted to go DESPITE the brain's trying to throw its resistance against it. They were impressed by my readings from the pamphlet after, but I will be gratified if Don DOES get in touch with me for the body session he can have in privacy, since he doesn't want anyone to touch him without being on intimate terms with him. Dennis seems to have survived with only his usual attack of starvation which slowed his rate on indexing, he said.
DIARY 13321
8/20/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She chats about how she did one NSH, with the sheets, and just couldn't figure what they said, and she hasn't done anything with it since. I crow that, with her, all I need is two more for the SECOND T&R and raising my rate to $5. She says she's also been into HER bodywork-giving, has been going weekly for about 7 weeks to an acupuncturist (MD, so he can operate openly) somewhat connected with Arica, on East 73rd or 74th, and he only sticks 3-4 needles into her for balancing, as opposed to the up-to-13 that I've been punctured with. We exchange notes about that, she not getting them in series of 3, getting him to talk with her for long stretches about the theory of it, and she says there are LOTS of them operating now in the city. Then she seems to be in a hurry to get onto the table, and she's rather fleshy and seems dour in facial expression, but she goes along with whatever I do: his neck seems long and she tolerates almost anything done with it, I slip over her backbone once but she doesn't seem to mind, and I can't really find the locations of her pelvic bones: she's not FAT, but she seems to be so well padded that almost nothing can get through to her. I work in my usual 50-minute pattern, wondering if I'll ever get the gathering memorized, and we're working in the Regenerative energy, another first for me. But I find myself worrying more about the pattern now that I KNOW it (or SHOULD know it) than I worried about it when I didn't really have the sureness about it. But then she IS the 7th in 6 days! We drink D-cell water and she exclaims about the plants, how nice the apartment is, and puffs up the stairs saying "NOW I know why you stay so slender," and when I walk her down to get the mail, I tell her that when I lived in a 17-story building I often walked up and down for the mail. She can't get into that. We don't talk about Michael or Dennis at all, she doesn't seem terribly ready to give of herself, but then I guess I might not give much of myself to her, either. Compared with Bob Dukes and Pat Mandino (who exclaimed about Joe Easter's paintings), she noticed hardly anything in the apartment, and in the end I'd forgotten that I'd wanted an O-V from her rather than a NSH, so we cleared that up.
DIARY 13323
8/20/78
ACTUALISM NSH FROM BRUCE LIEBER
He says "This place was much neater just a few days ago," but all the drawers are open, clothes and books and records and stuff are scattered all over the place, and his shirtless body has more bulk and definition than I remember it having ever before. He plays me some Robert Crumb records then says he'd like to work in the Regenerative Energy, so I go along with him, and he LAYS his hammy elbows and knuckles into me, and I tell him a FEW times to go a bit easier, but I find myself tensing up underneath him, and find myself remembering that the last, and very sketchy, NSH I had was back on August 4 from Amy with me as her first body, so I maybe rather needed some of the channel blasting. Felt that the upper part of my spine has no channels on either side at all (or that he was completely in the wrong spot, or that I was so tensed up I wouldn't LET him into my channels). But thankfully the work on the right side was much better than the work on the left, though I had to remind him, as Amy reminded me, that the work on the underside of the skull was done from the magnetic BOTH times, and then I wouldn't bring my hand down for the final brushdown on the magnetic until he completed the session with the little fill-in circles on the buttock. Compared with what I must give, I can see that Dorothy Kent would say that MY session was gentle and loving. His is decidedly UNgentle and NOT very loving, and he said he found himself concentrating on the pattern and getting off the inner work, and that at a certain point he felt that I was very activated and at certain points HE got very activated. I said "Oh, so I'm a freebie" when he said I was only #3, but he said "I thought we were trading anyway," so that implies he'll want to do ANOTHER session on me in return for the two freebies I gave HIM, before he lets me have another at the "$3 rate." He said that he'd worked out his block to bodywork with Alice, that he'd been out of alignment before (he didn't feel exactly IN this time, sweating a lot, too), and that his session last night had been VERY activating: people sitting around in the restaurant saying "I'm still processing / That was very powerful, wasn't it? / PHEW!" I laugh and chat and leave the humid mess after helping him put away his HEAVY table, and I think mine is far more convenient, but his is ROCK-steady.
DIARY 13329
8/22/78
ACTUALISM NSH BY BOB DUKES
He calls down "I'll be right down, Bob," and I step back to street to observe terribly solid, enormous building, with two of 5 floors of lights lit, and he comes down in the elevator as sexy shorted guy walks into the loft building across the street, carrying groceries. Up to his enormous space, dominated by 10'x20' solid-color 3-D-possible paintings in shadeless hues, with beds and books and a table along one wall, kitchen and a small seating circle in the middle, a TV-viewing ring in the far corner, supplies behind a temporary wall, and a sofa-worktable area in the corner behind the kitchen, all occupying about 2000 square feet, but the ceilings are so high that the space doesn't really LOOK that big. He makes lime seltzer for me, crunching the ice cubes while he talks about how powerful Alice is, how the Pale Green was a turning point for him in the work, how he got the power rays EACH week before the lifebelt system was instituted for greater earthing, and how he has to find a place at the end of this month, but he's waiting for the inner to act. Got to the table about 8:30, him standing around as I disrobe, and the table's comfortable but slightly off-balancing, and I have to scoot back and forth to let him sit on it. He reads most of it, shuffling papers, and he's not as far along as I am, trading off with Mara and Michael, who are out of town this weekend, and he's done George Pierson, Pat Mandino, Bruce Lieber, and a few other people for his 8 or 9 done so far, and HE got a star by Linda, too, though his neck work seems heavier than needed---not really knowing where the skull seems to stop---and his lower work seemed lighter than I could have stood, but his OUTWARD SCOOPING on the spine seems very OUTWARD directed, almost bruising the muscles along the spinal column, and his circles on the buttocks seem very disconnected. I cough at one point when he's working along the neck, feel uncomfortable at the upper back, and he says there are probably things going on there. Then sit eating cherries, and I look back surprised to find that it's 9:50 already, so there goes the "Matlovich" watching, and there was a box of CONDOMS only SLIGHTLY behind other things on the toilet box, so I would GUESS that he's trying to tell me that he's straight, but I step into his hug at the end only to kick his sloppy shower clogs, and am more concerned about his unharmed TOES than his FEEL! What a pity, but he says he'll call next week to set up appointments the following week, and we'll SHARE these sessions!
DIARY 13332
8/23/78
ACTUALISM O-V ON ME BY PAT MANDINO
She's changed and washed at work, but she still uses the washcloth and the towel that I put out for her, and we down about a quart of D-cell water, and she "psychometrizes" the article on MSIA and says he feels "flat," which is what I observed since it's a VIDEO representation of him, not really a photo of HIM. She says there was a rumor (from Bruce Lieber) that someone had absconded with many of the lessons and was set up on his own, and this sounds SO like it that it MIGHT be him. Curious to ask at class tonight. She concludes rather simply that "everyone's getting into it, it's a great time," and then she's washing again in the john and I crawl onto the table. She goes about it very professionally, apologizing whenever the cord has to drag across my body, transferring it back and forth between one wall and the other, and giving a good firm motion practically everywhere, and I seem to get a lot out of it. She even suggests we speed things up a bit, and she'll call---no, I'll call HER as soon as I get in on Saturday so she can come over for me to do HER, and then she'll do me again, this time with NSH, next Tuesday. So we seem to be a duo, and I tried leaving word with George Pierson, but he doesn't get back to me; debate phoning Amy, but she said she had to work on some others and will get back to me, so I'll let her do that; and tried phoning Susan but she's never home and I hope to see her at the center this evening; and Dorothy called early this morning before I could get to her, and set up something for MONDAY, so I'm clearing them away on ME so that I can do THEM again! She's not at the restaurant quite a month now, but feels comfortable there, likes not working steady hours. She doesn't come up with much else to talk about, but sits there brightly, seemingly very intelligent, so the movement's done something very good for her, at least from my, outward, point of view. Can't remember anything else that we talked about, except that I told her I did an intro and then a body session and she suggested that might have been a bit too much, talked about Alice for awhile with great glee, and she was happy that we would be working in the Pale Green energy, since that's what she'd come in HERE with when she entered!
DIARY 13334
8/27/78
ACTUALISM O-V WITH DOROTHY HUNTER
Get to the center and she doesn't greet me, so I sit reading until 6:15, when she comes in, apologizing, saying she should have caught the taxi. She quickly shows me into the session room and she says that it would take her a long time and lots of shuffling to give me a NSH, so I say an O-V is OK. I lay down and she comes in and forgets the gathering, saying it's the first time she's forgotten, and she seems scattered, but she recovers adequately. I'd chosen the Pale Green to work in. Then she gets into it, and she's quite a bit lighter than many, so I just lay quietly as she works over me, and there still seem to be places of block in the middle-top of my back, but for the most part things go very smoothly, and I do appreciate the way my knees have room to sink deeply into the foam on her table, though it doesn't seem wide enough to be sat upon for the NSH. Nothing much comes up during the session, but after she leaves I'm feeling very relaxed, the pressures of the week mostly over, not thinking much about Easthampton the next few days, and I seem to hear, very plainly in my imagination, Michael Blackburn's voice saying "I love you, Bob," and I'd been thinking about how nice Dorothy's touch was, how Dorothy was connected to Michael, and later I find that Michael WAS outside, so I MAY have heard his voice below consciousness and built up the fantasy around that. "How nice, I thought," and felt good about returning "I love you too, Michael." Then Dorothy "seemed to enter" (as if I were a stage director and thought it would be only proper if that happened now) and say "I love you, Bob," so I sort of teared up and said "I love you too, Dorothy." THEN I thought it only proper to have the other members of the group, including such former members as Malcolm, Janet, and Rebekah, and teachers, too, come in to say it, and I felt a great "presence" of "the other Beings of Light that join us," and felt very relaxed and warm, and then I may have even dozed off, since Dorothy's voice saying that I could get up seemed to come very quickly after that, and not quite ten minutes, except that I was surprised that it was as late as 7:45, and DURING the session forgot that I sort of discovered that the edge of the vibrator sort of goes UNDER the ribcage as it goes along that way, and I felt that I handled my three consecutive days of body sessions on me rather well, which is good, since I have it AGAIN this week!
DIARY 13335
8/27/78
ACTUALISM 1AD #44
Winston starts by announcing that this is the LAST power ray, and I feel good that the 15 in the article had SOME significance, and that I wouldn't be left hanging wondering when it would occur. I hadn't caught his reference to the "generative and regenerative" he said he talked about last time, and smiled when he DIDN'T say what the color was, and left it to Russell on the tape, and when I heard "scarlet" I could only think of "Lawsy, Miz Scarlet, I don't know anything about birthin! babies!" When Russell mentioned "those in Soul Light" gathering to watch, I thought "He's talking about those in Second Advanced, so THEY could be here, too!" and felt that I was getting good clues to the coming adventures. When the Power Ray came down to the Mental Level, I got a distinct pain in the center of my head: not headachy above an ear to the side, and I didn't concern myself that it would last (it didn't) and I just thought "Oh, surgery," and let it go, generating new cells in the brain in place of the narrow old ones. A moment later, coming down to the Emotional Level, still fresh with amazement that I was SENSING something, I felt a touch just behind the eyes and bridge of the nose, tears came to my eyes, and with those realizations, shivers went up and down my back and legs, and I thought "We're really getting into it." When, last time, I sort of LOCKED myself into being steady and had to slouch down at the end to relax my back, this time I just NOTICED that I was sitting steadily, didn't have to open my eyes at all, felt quite alert, so I hadn't had to worry about feeling over-relaxed because of the body session---have to ask Dorothy about that. Reported all of that and Winston was VERY pleased, not cutting it down as he sometimes does, and other reports were quite positive too, Michael apologizing for his "mooing" and I'd noticed Barbara burping, Michael mooing, and Marilyn sobbing silently beside me, reporting on her gratitude for the energy, but she'd received it before in some temple somewhere. I had lots of questions, but zeroed in on the coming few weeks off, and talked to him before leaving about how attractive I found the Bahamas, but he said I'd have to talk to Russell if I wanted to know anything specific about the Atlantean culture in that area, underwater.
DIARY 13341
8/27/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON PAT MANDINO
She's very giggly, saying how activated she is and how much D-cell water she's drinking, and when she chooses Cosmic Father, I sort of wonder what kind of pictures these younger women (whom I usually think of as contemporaries, but age-wise they're essentially a younger generation) have of the bearded, graying, been-around ME, and wonder if they might not, in the body sessions with me, HAVE some chance to work through things with their fathers. The session itself goes VERY smoothly: I don't find myself worried at all about the mechanics of it, though I was a bit "out of it" relatively speaking, since it was the 8th day since my last one, the not-super one on Dorothy Hunter, twice as long as the 4th-day wait a couple of times before. It went so well that it seems to bode good for doing them at well-spaced intervals in the future. I seemed to sense a freshness and a newness about the motions, and a great awareness of pressures wanted (she seemed to want pressures, and even though her breath caught a few times, and she moved a bit under my elbow, she seemed to like the processing that she was doing), and a good sense of timing that enabled me to finish after just an hour, including her ten minutes laying. I didn't speed up my own breathing, but I'd been drinking lots of D-cell water, too, and my stomach kept on gurgling and gurgling, and at one point I mentioned that I was doing it in DUETS, and at a particularly loud one she giggled too. She didn't say anything about the pressures, and I'd thought of asking her about it before going to the second side, but decided that it would just make me more self-conscious, and I was willing to turn it over to INNER work more consistently, more times thinking of the energies rather than thinking of the motions that I had to make. I told her about my "insights" into second advanced about the Soul-Light Infusion, and about Russell's remarks on the tape about it, and she just sat and looked and smiled. I also felt good about the idea that Dorothy Hunter was due to come over tomorrow and that I would "automatically" have the 9 bodies I needed for the next T&R, without ANY bodies being scheduled yet for the next week, so I could make sure to get the T&R before doing it, remaining on schedule and going up to $5 on the chart, which is where I'll be for a long while.
DIARY 13342
8/27/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON DOROTHY HUNTER
She arrives at 2:30 and doesn't get on the table until 3:40, so we talked for over an hour: she and Michael are going to the est graduate review next weekend and we chat about the seminars she's gone to and how they've changed; she's heard about MSIA before, and we chat about it; we talk a lot about acupuncture and Michael's been told about "Doctor Shu" who I suppose is mine, and I have to call him tomorrow; and how she's going to work on Janet to get into the NSH herself, and how we're both questioning some of the parts of the system, yet we really can't deny that it's working, and she's finding the time's going easier than I'm finding it going. When she gets to the table she moves around for awhile, and finally at the end suggests that it's easier for women to lay on something softer when their breasts "aren't right flat against something," but she still likes the session even though she's been highly activated for it, we drink about a half-gallon of D-cell water, and she's found through est that the hardest thing to do is to give people the space to be EXACTLY THE WAY THEY ARE, and I chat about Dennis and me and indexing to say that we're going through the same thing. I still don't feel some sort of connection with her body when I'm doing it: there are times in the neck that I seem to be missing things completely, times in the spine where she seems to be in pain or asleep without my knowing what's going on, and times in the hip when she sort of jolts, yet says "it's me," when I ask if it's me or her that's doing it. I take just an hour, seeming to go fast everywhere but on the spine, which I feel that I'm doing a good job on since I don't have to stop to think about my pace or the movements much. But it doesn't have the "freshness" of doing to Pat Mandino yesterday, and I'm sort of glad to think that there's a vacation in it for the next week until my T&R next Tuesday, after the Graduate Review. She says she has to meet someone in the park who's waiting in line for tickets to Papp, and it looks like it might rain, and it's been getting steadily more humid through the day, getting to the point where it feels better to have the air conditioner on than off, even though it's really quite cool out still, especially for August.
DIARY 13344
8/28/78
ACTUALISM HEART SURGERY WITH WINSTON
Sexy John (living out of town now) gives ADC White Mountain Hiking book to Lea, then goes into a surgery with Alice, and another fellow goes for body session with Linda, then Winston calls me next door and we get going, he pleased with my "reception" of the group on Wednesday after body session. He activated Radiant Warrior, and I fumbled with "royal purple" before "seeing" that it was wrong, then went down to heart and sat---and sat. After a bit the whole thing of beauty came up: wanting someone because of the physicality of them, regardless of inner; reading yoga that says it's all transitory; knowing that the BEAUTY'S OK but I don't want to get hung up in the frustration, and he says that I should PROCESS the images and don't worry, the ESSENCE WILL return to me: I don't have to worry about forgetting ALL of it, and that sounds good to me. So I sit---and sit. Keep blazing up the power ray, hoping to get into it, but the hose from brain-mind prevents me from thinking anything other than trivia like buying wine this afternoon, finishing JOYI, scheduling indexes, and writing. Eventually I say "Nothing much is going on," and he seems to berate me: we're working with EMOTIONS, and I have the brain-mind controlling everything. I guess he expects some horrendous emotional outbursts, but I don't FEEL emotional, and start to feel a bit of blame from HIM: since I don't have outbursts, I'm holding back. I say it's not so much that I'm not PROCESSING (and he says that LOTS of stuff is going on), it's the CHANNELS of COMMUNICATION from there to BRAIN-MIND that don't seem to be working, and he says that I'm simply blocking. I tell him about my fleeting image of the "brick wall" from "Village of the Damned," but say "I don't think that was it." He said "If you ever went through something highly emotional with a loved one, THIS is what the session should have been like," and I say "By coincidence (HA!) I DID go through the same sort of thing with Dennis Saturday and Sunday, and it WAS emotional, but it didn't get out of HAND." I ask if he thinks I should do it over, and he says no, the liver is next, and I say "I have trouble expressing emotions on the DYNAMIC, so maybe THAT session will help more." He says it's the crux of what I've been working on for some time---not that I haven't been making progress, but I sit in judgment in the mind and don't even get IN to the processing, which I say I do but just don't SEE clearly enough to report on, and leave with his "whatever, it's hitting the fan."
DIARY 13346
8/29/78
ACTUALISM O-V BY DOROTHY KENT
She's revved up in Radiant Warrior, so I figure I can work in that again too, and she works rather lightly, asking "Is this too heavy?" and finally on the "scrubbing" I say she can do it harder, and she does, maybe even breaking some of my pimples on the back, but it DOES feel good, and when she finishes with my legs stretched out on the table, it feels OK to have the knees solidly pressed into the pads and the feet elongated without a touch of being cramped. She keeps sighing and coughs a few times and keeps asking "Are you with me?" which is probably more of a clue to where SHE is: "Legs always send me right OUT," she says, similar to Bruce, but she says with a burst of frankness, "You have the most BEAUTIFULLY muscled legs!" Her hands are all over the place most of the time, and I can feel various parts of her arms and hips and legs when she's moving over me, sometimes having to change the plugs to get from my head to my feet, and she over-activates by holding and touching them BEFORE working with the vibrator, which I would think would make them MORE sensitive and "jump all over the place," as she says people do. I rise to the surface of brain-mind to think "What am I DOING here?" a few times, but I spill it under and don't think much about anything, just following where she's going, wondering if this will help my non-acceptance of the heart surgery this morning. She asks again if I've been to Actualization, which she might do sometimes, but she says she's not NEARLY as much of a freak on these things as Susan is, that she might take it later, and that I'm amazing for going to the est review this weekend AND having done so many bodies, and she's only up to 17, while I'm at 15 and going strong. I say that I'm taking a vacation from them for awhile, and she doesn't make any mention of coming or scheduling a new one, but I say "We'll be in touch" as she goes to the door very late at 9:05, and she leans over to kiss me alongside the cheek and goes out the door. She's looking better than she did before, says she'd gotten something from my heart that implied that I'd worked on it today, said Dennis seemed to be very open and good for Actualism, and found it VERY hot in the room, but cooler later as we sat and talked before she left. Whereas I was almost chilly in the room, so maybe she was drawing on MY energy to heat HER body?
DIARY 13351
8/31/78
ACTUALISM O-V WITH DOROTHY HUNTER
The body lotion is cooling and refreshing after the muggy day, and then she gets into the neck with GREAT firmness, and I can feel the tensions of the typing and the discussions with Dennis (see DIARY 13350) just being rubbed away, and I feel quite touched that Actualism affords something so PHYSICAL and touchingly EMOTIONAL along with the INTELLECTUAL stimulation of trying to figure out what's happening in the sessions. She gives a strongly heavy pressure without being asked for it, seemingly (in my memory) much more pointed than her previous session, and I lay there hoping that she gets at least HALF as much pleasure out of being on MY table as I get out of being on HERS. I mention Barbara Lea, whom she saw last night and liked at Les Mareyeurs, I tell her about Dennis's processing for me and she laughs a lot, and I tell her how much I like her touch, and she laughs and says, "And then I get self-conscious and pst, there goes the touch." But it doesn't go, and she seems to work very hard, hands getting hot from the vibrator, and her brushdowns are complete and loving, her work on the spine has an intensity that Dorothy Kent's completely lacked, being much more focused and much more PRESSURED without being HURTFUL. I kept relaxing more and more, sinking into the foam (which I have to get one of, since it IS so comfortable), and mind drifting to the things I have to do and then drifting further into nothingness, where I'm following what she's doing with great appreciation, feeling loads drop away, feeling much more comfortable with it, thinking how nice it is that Pat Mandino changed from Tuesday to Friday, and feeling very good about the whole thing: letting myself become totally magnetic under her hands, enjoying the vibrations, and then it was over, and somewhere from the air shaft came either actual chorus singing or a radio's playing of rousing people's choruses that added a nice cosmic touch, since I sort of looked out for the others in the room and didn't feel any this time. Michael said I looked great BEFORE, and I thought I looked great AFTER, feeling the lines gone from my face, and hugged Dorothy a number of times, and then at Actualism slipped to say that MARILYN had given me a body session!!
DIARY 13352
8/31/78
ACTUALISM 1AD #45
Move in the chairs since there are only 8 of us: Tony on vacation, Elliott coming back next week, Barbara working, Richard out with an infection, so there's only Michael, Winston, and me as males. Winston seems overly proud of his "special session" and gets "current low frequencies" from us, and I can only come up with the "resistance to service" in making meals for Dennis so often while I'm helping him with indexing. He gets me to say that I resent it and am angry about it, then laughs that we have such great ways of talking about such awful things as a way of pushing them away and painting them up. The session goes quickly, seems to stop abruptly, and at one point he makes me open my eyes and look at the plant: "But I have to connect brain-mind to SAY that it's green rather than brown, short rather than tall," and he doesn't DENY that, but says that I can look at it MORE without BRINGING IN the brain, which later seems like a very good point. "The brain is ALWAYS recording," he said, "and you can use it like a tape recorder to play it back when you WANT to, not INSTANTLY all the time." I confess to the fear about being called on, as a test in school, and I describe "the marbles" of the egos rattling through the channels, and he says "That may be perceptive, but what do you FEEL about it," saying that we should get INSIDE, and suddenly I have a "sense" (WHY DID I CHOOSE THAT WORD?!) of something ENORMOUS, hard-shelled yet filled with a warm liquid, reddish yet rocky, on the surface of which a scared rat was crouching, saying "WHAT ball?" I searched for words and came up with "an iron balloon filled with blood," which could obviously only refer to the heart, which sort of clutched at this point, and I felt I looked DOWN on it, as to the heart, and then blazed up the energy to see if I couldn't CONSUME this ironbound heart that I had which prevented me from showing my emotions easily, from circulating freely, from spreading warmth, from subsuming my brain-mind to the heart for a bit to sense the difference, and I felt that I "saw" something to work on, though I was annoyed with him when he said we were activated by coming to class in 2 Wednesdays, and Dorothy retorted "YOU'RE activated, Winston," and I told her I loved her. Both this and the surgery ("This isn't ONLY for you, Bob," he said, and I laughed nervously, since I really thought it MAY be) seemed better AFTER than DURING.
DIARY 13369
9/12/78
ACTUALISM: SECOND T&R WITH LINDA
We get started right away since I'm late, but she has to lock the office since the coordinator didn't arrive yet. We chat in the living room as she stands, and then goes into the bedroom and shuts the door, which puzzles me a bit, but I drink the rest of the water and turn on the ruby red and open the door to find the bird on the cage, and she says "If he bothers you, we can put him out." I ask questions as I go along, and it's TO and CSJ and not over it, NOT mentioning the teachers by name, opening the top of the head and the plexi if they're beyond lesson 5 and HAVE the plexi, and the neck starts at the first wrinkle, down near the shoulder. She gives me an insight by saying that I should sink in BETWEEN the trapezius and the neck muscle, so I won't have to worry about choking anyone, and I work in some detail down her left side, and she says it feels VERY good. Right at the start the bird flies over and perches on my shoulder, and she laughs and says "He likes you," and I worry about it "eliminating," and she says "He usually avoids anything," and just after she says that, he plops out a huge green and white turd on my wrist, and I say, with intense deliberation, "Oh---SHIT," and wipe it off, and she laughs delightedly and says "He's been saving that up all morning for you," and he continues to walk up and down my back, picking at my long hair, and then pecks at the hairs on her leg. She clues me in to beaming up to the top of the head on the upswing and down out the bottoms of the feet on the downswing of each spinal cross, and that seems to feel VERY good, and she clarifies the SCOOPING motion on the outward cross, and finishes by writing "Greater" in my notebook, looking at the people I've done, and saying I have a natural talent for the bodywork, and DOESN'T add that the inner has to work out better, implying that the inner is just about as good as the outer, and she says I can bear down even more, make things move around, don't worry about hurting anyone, and gain even more confidence in my performance, congratulating me because I say that I find times when I'm free of thought as it IS, and we agree that it's doing great things for me and now I have a long string of practice ahead at $5 a session.
DIARY 13370
9/12/78
ACTUALISM: NSH BY DOROTHY HUNTER AND VICE VERSA
I still felt that I wasn't really "getting through" to her, though I DID appreciate having a body to work on so QUICKLY to apply what I learned in the T&R this morning, and it seemed to go very well, but she didn't say it was great, merely thought that I'd added more padding, since she didn't feel so uncomfortable, and I just thought she was sleeping most of the time. Then at her place I had to crawl onto the table almost breathless from my dash from the subway, but she let me relax and seemed to go at me with a lighter touch than before, but the vibrator toward the end again seemed to be very soothing, and her addition of the neck pull and the long-held downward pull of the legs relaxed me so thoroughly that I felt that I had almost completely processed est out of me for the weekend, and was pleased, as she was, that she could now go out of town on Thursday and wouldn't have any obligations hanging over in trading off with me. She asked to me that she be done in Higher Will, which she said she was working somewhat with, and so I just let it be in the Higher Will when she did me, and there wasn't any indication that I could see that told me whether it was a right or wrong choice. Her body had a few obstructions that I just blazed through, but my body didn't seem to have many things going on with it, not even any cramps in the legs, though my neck still seemed to get rather sore from the extreme side position, and there are many times when I feel that I'm laying on the mattress in a very TWISTED way, so that I feel I have to lift myself up and lay myself down again to get the feeling that I'm lying STRAIGHT on the bed. Loved her use of the oil, and wished the others who worked on me would use the same stuff, though maybe I could get it FOR them to use. She seemed so pleased to accept my pleasure at HER working on ME, but so reluctant to express pleasure at MY working on HER, but then she has Michael to work with, and if he treats her, I'll have to go very far to make any kind of impression on her. She'd done one session with Janet but still wasn't willing to do the NSH, though she KNEW how similar it was to the O-V, but she still didn't have the confidence about doing it herself on someone else.
DIARY 13375
9/12/78
ACTUALISM 1AD #46
Maybe BECAUSE I didn't have a body session just before class, I went SO far unconscious that I didn't hear ANYTHING below the kidneys at the start of the emotional lifebelt, and I JUST heard the transfer from the small intestine to the large intestine and all of a sudden I was at the YOKE, and Bob Dukes tried to make me feel better the following Monday by saying that in his experience NO ONE got through all the lessons without moments of non-hearing, that EVERYONE had areas that were so dense that they just had to blank out during them. I didn't feel much else happening, except that I just wanted it to be over. Watched the ping-pong of sharing going back and forth across the room, waiting to be the last one, but Meg was the last one, and even Elliott was saying that he got a lot deeper this time, since he's already had this session on the West Coast. The session lasted a long time, too, and it seemed to take forever to form hierarchy, and I even spaced out during that. It seemed to be uncomfortable in the room, though I wasn't even awake enough to open my eyes when I went out, and I didn't even feel myself nodding. Others had very emotional sessions, and others had lots of physical pain, which I couldn't report except for right at the side of my heart when the ray swept to the side, but when I said that I THOUGHT this extra week was needed to earth it, I found that I still had LOTS of work to do on it, so I sort of denigrated my previous two weeks on it, and Winston seemed on the point of saying something but he didn't, and then said we had next week off, another week on for the last lesson, then the NEXT week off, at which time our papers were due, and then he said after the introductory lessons, we'd go back to the three weeks on and one week off format, even though Maureen was the one who said "I thought we were going to speed up," and I felt that we'd been put to a test, and we didn't make it, maybe because of the lack of earthing in NYC, but we wouldn't be able to make much more progress until the center as a whole made more progress, and I again thought of the chance of going to California and making up LOTS of classes in case I took a long trip away from New York City soon.
DIARY 13377
9/13/78
ACTUALISM: SUSAN'S O-V ON ME HERE
I have the feeling I'm getting spoiled by people coming here to do sessions on me, but they've said my technique was so good (as is my table), that I hope I can get AWAY from it later. She says I should do her mother and Arthur Ellenbogen, and I wince at first and take down numbers for second. She laughs and drinks D-cell water and giggles and rolls her eyes at me, and I just sit and draw her out and feel that the day is taking too long, but then I'm onto the table, almost oblivious to the loud noises from outside and upstairs at times, and she gets out her huge extension cord (mixing up her tape recorder cord with it somehow) and does a somewhat faster job on me: taking only 1.5 hours to do BOTH front and back, where before it took almost 2 hours and she didn't even have a chance to get to the front. Her touch is much more solid and precise this time, but she keeps asking if I'm awake, and I think I MIGHT doze off a time or two, but it feels so good to be getting rid of the physical build-up of the est seminar, freeing me to tackle the post-training seminar this evening. I'm so glad to keep hearing about Bill Salomon (though he's not really that great a catch) and her, so that she's getting her sex and doesn't have me to think about playing in the sandbox with. She's saying that she'd love to read things that I've written in order to edit them, says that we should get together for a dim sum brunch some Sunday at a Chinese restaurant, and suggesting other things that we could do together, and I wonder what Bill thinks about all this. The foam pad on the table feels much better: there's no push from inside against anything, my knees sink way down in, and yet it feels solid enough so that when someone pushes against it the body doesn't slide away unsubstantially. Put all the bedding away after she leaves, and she's so intense about everything, including physicality, that she rather wears me out, but she's talked before about her pushy dynamic, and she must sense that my magnetic is usually out, so if there's anything that anyone wants to DO, I'm a willing receptor, so she just bubbles and smiles and gurgles and then feels vaguely embarrassed about coming out of herself so much with me.
DIARY 13381
9/13/78
ACTUALISM NSH TO DOROTHY KENT
She flops her arms over the side of the foam, implying that it's not quite wide enough, but I move her back up on and she stays, and gets chilly in the middle, so I cover her with the doubled sheet, which just fits: big woman! We talk about my activation from est, her activations for this session, and other people in the groups. For part of the time she sort of snorts through her mouth to make me think she's asleep, and I have to ask her twice to move into her left side to compare it with her right. For the other part of the time her brow is furrowed and her breath is choked, as if she were going through profound emotional experiences, and she later said that she had all sorts of fantastic imaginings about being chased by people, running away, and rather televisionically melodramatic wanderings. A couple of times she gasps while I'm whacking away at the loads in her spine, but I don't apologize and she doesn't say anything about my going too heavily, so we continue wordlessly. She wanted to work in the Physician Sigil, which reminds me that I don't know what the sigils are, so we talk about them, and I don't feel particularly activated to acknowledge my ignorance. But then I don't have very much of an awareness of using the sigil IN the session itself, though I do remember putting it on and sensing that it was there, rather than NOT there, so I have to assume it stayed. She came off the table saying she felt that a LOT had been processed and that I'd done a good job, and she seemed somewhat looser than before, not quite so indeterminately fleshy, but I could feel muscles loosening as I leaned into her, scooping things out, and she didn't have QUITE the "pong" (to use Dennis's word) that she had when she came directly from work, but I can see that she WOULD be able to get into a lot of "shame in the body" that she acknowledged she got into last time she had an X-out, and she still, it would seem to me, has more to go before HER body looks as "lived in" as, say, Susan's does, and it would be great if she GOT something of a physical, stylistic awareness of her body while being roommates with her, and NOT that Susan would go more in HER direction, which is not productive.
DIARY 13388
9/13/78
ACTUALISM: BOB DUKES DOES MY NSH HERE
He shuffles his papers around and trembles slightly as he reads off the gathering, not giving the extra indentation at the end with the hands. His feeling is so different from the deep, precise one at HIS place that it's almost as if a different person was doing it, though he's had a T&R since then, since I'm about his 8th or 9th body. He sits on the table with more confidence, not listening that he might be shorter than I am and need something to rest his feet on, and he IS sexy sitting on the sofa with his legs spread WIDE apart and all sorts of material bumps and ridges resting from his crotch to the sofa. He talks about "getting more and more normal as you go farther and farther into the lessons," quite the opposite of the melodramatizing Bruce, and he almost asks me to take HIM as a role model, saying that it's not very productive to look on Bruce as someone I would NOT want to follow, but that I should look to someone whom I WOULD want to emulate. I can't imagine who aside from him he might be talking about. He tells me about Ken Miller in Bruce's class who has a brother in his class, and he's just moved to Remsen Street, so I mention it to Bruce when he calls the next day and say that he should give my name to Ken, if he wants some bodywork done locally. He says he's no longer eager to go into third, but that he does want to get back into bodywork, though I say that I might do HIS body at HIS place if he ever gets the table he ordered with Pat Mandino about 6 weeks ago. His touch is lighter, his spinal scoops are not as pronounced, but I find myself exhaling as he leans into my spine, and he begins to adapt my rhythm, going in as I stop, resting as I inhale deeply, and he toward the bottom slips his elbow over my spine, which hurts, but he goes too heavily ONLY there and too lightly down on the buttocks, but I'm sliding around on the table as it is. He really digs into the neck, however, but with a distraction of attention that implies that he's not that sure about what he's doing. Wish I knew how good my body was to work with. He speaks always very gently, leaves quickly after the session, and I hug only slightly as he leaves, still insisting that he wants us to exchange often.
DIARY 13394
9/13/78
ACTUALISM: THINGS NOTICED DURING SESSIONS
The last couple times I sat down for the session I found myself thinking that the sensory (auditory, optical, olfactory, gustatory, tactile) centers that would be GENERATED with the Generative Power ray would be those that would increase the sensory input not from the PHYSICAL world (I already hear and see too much of the distractions and imperfections in the world), but of the HUMAN and FIELD levels, and I concentrate on the smells and sounds encountered by those who have beautiful visual experiences with the energies. In ADDITION, I think of the turnaround common in so many yoga books: the typical Zen statement that "When I started the mountain was the mountain, but then I learned that the mountain was NOT the mountain, until I became enlightened and found that the mountain was ACTUALLY the mountain," and Bruce talked about something called "the rug pulling" later on in Third Advanced that he'd hoped he wasn't activating me by talking about---and I could feel that I was being RIGHT: I many times have had the idea that we are PROVING the power of the mind by CREATING the Incarnating Ego and the Human Ego, the centers in our body, and our magnetic and dynamic natures, AS WELL AS the tools and energies and colors and frequencies, merely by practicing and repeating them again and again. And then we'll be PROVED as to our power in greatly advanced courses when we're told that they DIDN'T exist when we STARTED in the course, on ANY level (whether they did or do for them is something that I can't address myself to without having been where they are or have been), but that WE gradually created them as we went along---though this wouldn't explain Bruce's table-mate saying "You're using something to light your food, what's that purple color?" So the rug would be pulled out by saying that we DID create these, so we can create our WHOLE universe and certainly our viewpoint on it, and then I would have the right to say "I was right all along, it seemed fishy and it IS fishy," but I hope I'm not more RIGHT than I am GOING ALONG with the system to get as much as I can out of it REGARDLESS of the fact of its "actuality" or "createdness" or "imagination-working" characteristics.
DIARY 13396
9/14/78
ACTUALISM NSH ON SUSAN
She gets talking about Mexico and Patzcuaro and San Miguel and "las diables" from some little town reachable only by three-day mule back trek, and when she gets onto the table, she insists that she keeps going out, back to her childhood, and she gasps when I do a brushdown, saying she aged 30 years at just that point, and THAT'S how old she is. I was surprised to find her leg-crest lower than I thought, but when I asked her about it she insisted that my elbow positioning was "unbelievably perfect." She also read my article and thought it was marvelous, wanted to see it printing in Omni which came impressively today, and thought it might even be finished as it was, but then said to take out three large sections of my subjective "trying-to-make-it-worthwhile" information, which I thought was gratifying. On the table she moved hardly at all, and I thought she'd fallen asleep for most of it, but then she'd start coughing, and I'd follow her, and started getting moist around the sinuses, but it WAS chilly all day today, and it may just have been exposure. She started out warm enough not to want a sheet, and I started out quite cold to the touch, but by the end of the session in Ruby Red SHE was chilly and wanted the sheet and I was quite warm. She brought fruit again, ate a peach to stave off her hunger from not having eaten during the day, and rumbled away in her stomach on the table, which I didn't do so much of, maybe because I wasn't having so much of the D-cell water as I usually did. She thought it was perfect as usual, saying that I get more incredible at each session, and that I must have a natural talent for it, that my human is very much in touch and developed, and of COURSE I can take credit for it, but I don't have to worry about considering myself idealized, but I AM good. She said she thought she was getting into the "lengthening and shortening the leg" better, and kept coughing on rotating the pelvic hinge, and since she was accused of jerking off the microphone at Stewart Emery's Communication Workshop over the weekend, she was probably coughing about humping MY foam. She just keeps coming on and coming on toward me, even to the extent of saying Bill's angry with her and THIS time she's going to let HIM solve the problem for HIMSELF.
DIARY 13397
9/14/78
ACTUALISM O-V ON ME BY DOROTHY KENT
She listens to endless talk from me about my travel in detail to the Caribbean, much of India (the bus ride with John "agreeing" about reservations) the relative signs of her mother and father (Taurus) my mother (Taurus), my grandmother and John (both Aquarius), her, dad, and Rita (all Sagittarius!), and she reads my horoscope that Pope wrote, I read her my thing from Individualist Society, she talks of her hassle with the train guards coming out of Berlin, I tell her about "smuggling" grass out of Nepal; we both love Siena, I want to see more of the Caribbean, Mexico, and Alaska, my mother is traveling more, told her about the ill-fated flight to Russia, and LOTS of other things, and she mentioned that Remy (Remedios) in the class behind her has done lots of traveling too. I get onto the table and cover myself with the sheet, and she takes it off in parts until I warm up and finally has it all off, and she carefully pulls it BELOW my crotch when she asks that I roll over, and since I thought she'd be doing the NSH, I didn't bother to check if my shorts had a blotch on the front (just checked, they don't), and she was highly activated throughout: burping like a sunavabitch. She's Russian to a great extent, mother and aunt speak it, and enjoyed my tales of Pagan, too. She held onto my feet even longer this time, and exasperated me by asking at least THREE times how I felt in various parts of the body, so I went from "longer" to "boneless" to "completed." She didn't bear down so hard this time, though she tended to go ON my spine rather than alongside it, and she really tended almost the ENTIRE circumference of my legs, scratching my mosquito bite ferociously. She keeps laying her hands all over me when she's working in an area, and I hope she does this with Linda at some T&R so someone ELSE can tell her to keep the activity more focused in one place. She enjoyed looking through Omni, too, and she TOO brought a bag of fruit: peaches and a LOVELY bunch of grapes that we practically finished. I lay quietly, knowing it was dark outside, and thinking vaguely of watching movies and jerking off tonight, but didn't get a tingle when she was working around me, and SHE could be avid, I bet, too.
