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1990 2 of 3

5/16/90: 9:35AM: Wakened by DAMN BARKING DOG (it barked ALL DAY one day last week when I actually put in EARPLUGS so that I wouldn't hear it; then IT might have wakened me so EARLY Sunday morning when I went to bed at 3AM and woke at 7:30AM! And then I think I heard it YESTERDAY (Tuesday) morning and it woke me, so that when I went to bed at 3AM THIS morning, putting off the phone-ring so that IT wouldn't disturb me until 11AM, I woke FURIOUS at 8:25AM, recorded two dreams (see DREAM 243), and FELT SO AWFUL 1) that the dog was BACK, 2) that I was REACTING with such STRENGTH of FURY and RESENTMENT and RAGE and ILL-WILL toward the damn dog and the GOD-damn owners of the dog, 3) that my jaws seemed somewhat sore, so was I starting a self-destructive BRUXISM?, 4) that my eyes were gummed in the corners because I wasn't SUPPOSED to wake up then, 5) that I "allowed" myself to BECOME so angry over something so PETTY, to which my anger then responded that it WASN'T petty: THEY were assaulting MY ears on MY property, so I had the right to assault THEM by 1) poisoning the dog, 2) shouting out the window (though realizing that this would ALSO add to the displeasure of the INNOCENT neighbors---though I leapt to the poor conclusion: why am I ALWAYS the ONLY one to complain about a) the banging top-elevator door on the parking garage, b) loud arguments from neighbors, c) neighborhood barking dogs?), 3) phoning to WARN them to stop it and then to BREAK ONE OF THEIR WINDOWS every morning THEIR DOG WOKE ME. But then I got amazed all over at the STRENGTH and the BITTERNESS of my anger/frustration/rage, and thought 1) I'd better use this as a LEVER to get back to Actualism meditations, since this was CLEARLY an inversion of Good-Will: the WORST Ill-Will POSSIBLE! 2) I'd invest in some sort of ear-masking devices, or sound-cloaking devices, or recording devices so that I could beam THEIR noise back at THEM at hours that THEY wouldn't like, 3) I was so dependent on OTHERS AROUND ME for my silence, and why couldn't I live ISOLATED from these noises, and should I seal off my ROOM as Proust did in Paris? Then, methought, my thoughts were turned to my frustrations about 1) not writing and 2) not being published. Were my frustrations THERE magnifying my frustrations HERE? I wanted to 1) finish re-formating "The Indexing Handbook" and keep trying a) to sell it whole, or b) to publish it in brochures for direct sales to publishers to GIVE to authors or editors responsible for indexes, 2) sell the proposal article for the trip to the Antarctic, 3) sell the idea of "Future Novel," 4) sell "AIDS House." And THEN I felt the frustration of not going to the RESTAURANTS, particularly Le Chateau, and I went through Shelley, Paul, and Vicki with cars, or phoning Joan Pankosky and having HER drive me while I pour out my PROBLEMS to her, and then I thought of RENTING a car, then maybe driving Susan on Friday instead of going to her place---but did I really WANT to be with Susan---who did I WANT better to be with, maybe Dennis? And then JOHN came to mind: WE used to drive upstate when HE had the car, but he's not doing ANYTHING now to earn money, and then the WRITING frustration and JOHN's not earning money led me to think, "Why not ask JOHN if HE would like to invest his time (at a small hourly stipend from me?) to find markets for ALL MY WRITING, which would then give him a COMMISSION to give HIM money to be able to spend for restaurants, maybe with me, and I began to become EXCITED about John's being my writing-agent, and typed up the dream page 243 before I forgot it, then finished THIS by 9:54AM, to CALL him??

5/16/90: 10:13AM: Well, I talked with John, but he just said the same old things: 1) "The Indexing Handbook" has too specialized, and small, a market to sell AS a book to a general publisher, 2) I, with my personal contacts with publishers who REQUEST indexers for books that their authors or editors won't do, KNOW what their CURRENT one-page, two-page, 16-page, Springer-brochure, MCGraw-Hill-erstwhile Author's Book, and OTHER indexing "guides" are NOW, and only I can see how they could be improved, contact them to tell them this, and sell them my idea. "It's all sales," he said glumly, "and I'm not a salesman." THEN he said that Leo Hollister and Hamp from California had been in town this weekend and would LOAN him the $5000 that John's PUBLISHER of "Tales from the Adirondacks" demanded for the ILLUSTRATIONS needed for the book, so he's looking forward to THAT. In the field of compositing, he listened without comment to Alice's regret that he didn't PUSH to be trained on the new systems at HER place, but John reports that workshops are now ADVERTISING that they'll TRAIN people on their new systems, but he responded to "the perfect place," that wanted someone for $16/hour three days/week, but they never answered him, and he responded to ANOTHER ad but the law firm was only willing to pay $6 or $8/hour and he'd need AT LEAST $10, and figured he might go in for the interview and simply SAY he demanded $10, "but lawyers are the tightest employers there are: they want all their huge profits for doing nothing for THEMSELVES." He thought it might be partly the fact that he put in the YEARS of his education, too, and I remarked that the ONLY date on my indexing resume was the fact that I STARTED indexing in 1973, "so if they wanted to think I started out of college, OK." So he wasn't tempted by my offer at ALL, and I had to accept the FACT that my indexing projects wouldn't sell 100,000 copies immediately in ANY currently conceivable easily-done form!

5/23/90: STANDING STEADY?? Yes, I KNOW I'm usually depressed after two days spent in doing nothing more valuable than watching VCR tapes to get them out of the way, AND not going to the gym more often than twice a week. And then I'm coordinating this afternoon, never one of the most joyous of occasions---and then talking to Susan, who says NEVER do what you don't want to do (while complaining about the two-page poetry-sheets she hates to write, particularly the two today on Milton's "Paradise Lost"), and have just decided to REMOVE the social-activities list from the wall and see who RESPONDS (and can't even ask Mary Vilaboa about it, since she's on vacation this week and next; and I can't phone Maya about it, since she's involved in her ceiling's having fallen in last Thursday! and this would seem TERRIBLY trivial to her now). Then Susan's depressing news that Margo (whom she got seven years ago when Adam had to be put to sleep because of cancer diagnosed from a lump in the mouth when his teeth were cleaned) has a lump in the mouth that has to be biopsied and she'll know tomorrow at 11AM, but she's too busy with the sheets to have any fun this weekend. Then I rooted another callus from the bottom of my right foot, hoping that I'm not starting something that will affect my mobility on my Antarctic trip, and then zip to conclusions: maybe I should devote the money for the trip to SELF-PRINTING as much of my work as I can, since it seems increasingly clear that it's not going to be printed any OTHER way (except there IS that guy in California who said they'd print 1000 copies if it came DOWN to that---isn't there still???---and of course I'd have to call back to make SURE---except that NOW I could send them DISKETTES to look at!! NO! I WANT that trip!! But as I sit mooning, I think of Actualism's dying, and think of the phrase "Stand steady in the light!" And I'm NOT standing steady in my own sense of myself (am I going too much by OTHERS' sense of me??), and I figure I should get BACK to daily sessions---and what WILL I do if Actualism goes, since I've always said "I like to be involved with SOME KIND OF consciousness-raising movement at all times"?? But I've got to go to the gym (ANOTHER thing I don't want to do that I MUST do!), then to coordinate, then to finishing the Indexing Handbook reformat so that I can get on to OTHER things, and get me OUT of this funk!!

5/25/90: (note from 5/21/90 writer's group): jotted music for a bagpipe-like skirl, but going off to VERY HIGH notes, then VERY LOW notes, then each note a TRIPLET, to get a tone IMPOSSIBLE for bagpipes to PLAY. First A) twelve notes, then repeated one-note lower, then repeated another note lower, then another B) nine-note sequence followed by a lower-toned one, then C)three-note segue, then ALL of it repeated two notes HIGHER. Will be glad when my COMPUTER plays it!
Here's the music:

6/1/90: Notes from Toscana meal last night: Toast with chopped squash/tomato/ peppers. Sweetbread salad, almost raw. DUCK salad, almost well-done. Shrimp and radicchio salad. Scallops in RED-wine vinegar. Lamb, squash, carrots, peapods. Parmesan, provolone, soft, green cheeses with two glasses of Brunello. Two bottles of Pighin Pinot Grigio for $22 each, one Barolo 1978 for $40, and $17 for the two glasses, with three $65 fix priceds, a total of $296-50, plus 24.50 tax and 48 tip for $369, less 20% for $295 or $98 and change EACH. Desserts of creme caramel and raspberry/chocolate mousse, with coffee and tea and almond logs. Filling and VERY alcoholic, but GREAT TALKING!

6/15/90: Notes from The After Death Experience/ The Physics of the Non- Physical by Ian Wilson (Morrow, 1987): p.2B:recent yea(r)s have seen. p22B:"In many cultures the words for 'god' and the dead are one and the same." 37B:so much of Ian Stevenson's material is hopelessly flawed. 40B:At an average regression the hypnotized person may produce only garbled and very laboured information, punctuated by long silences, and many signs of desperately trying to dredge up something to satisfy the hypnotist's demands. 47T: the credibility of the rest of Jane Evans's regressions as being real evidence for the survival of the soul from one incarnation to another rapidly begins to fall apart. 58B: if Swedenborg had any validity this was as a one-off, gadgetless, natural communicator-with-the-dead of the old type. 64T: ectoplasm is butter-muslin. 68M: William James never wavered from the conclusion 'My own white crow is Mrs Piper.' 71T: Mrs Piper and Mrs Leonard have both seemed astonishingly convincing, and neither was ever proved to be fraudulent, they were not totally unimpeachable, and frustrating question marks hover over each. 79B: So having somewhat exhausted the worlds of reincarnation and spiritualism, is there left any other avenue or trail to explore? 86B: the 'ghost' does seem to be the expression of an after death something that is somewhere. 114B: Such cases are so persistently reported and so difficult to ignore that it had to be only a matter of time before they would be treated with appropriate seriousness by individuals with suitable professional qualifications. 124M: "wholly-headed occultists" should be WOOLY-headed?! 145B: Now I'm not afraid to die. It's not that I have a death-wish, or want to die right now. I don't want to be living over there on the other side now because I'm supposed to be living here. The reason why I'm not afraid to die, though, is that I know where I'm going when I leave here, because I've been there before." 155T: It is quite suffi- cient for you (the dead) to know that these apparitions are (the reflections of) you own thought forms. 155B: re(s)ponsible! 172B: that there is an apparent astonishing ability of something within us to record absolutely everything, even though we have no direct access to it. 176T: That brain and body can thus be inhibitors of an altogether more intelligent something else struggling to express itself... 189B: It may be that it needs a real crisis for there to be some form of mental leap from one kind to another, just as it needs a real life-threatening situation for any potentially death-surviving element of us to leave the body. 199T: nearly dying has paradoxically left them with both an almost total loss of all formerly held fears of death and a renewed zest for life, for treating every extra moment as precious and to be savoured to the fullest extent. 204M: those who attempt suicide, almost alone of near-death experiencers, are the ones who do not lose their fear of death. 205M: after all the researches conducted for this boook I have been able to offer nothing I would consider proof of life after death.

6/15/90: CONCERNS: 1) Writing "Future Novel," 2) Replacing computer, 3) Finding lover, 4) Living completely, 5) Selling writing, and 6) Planning trip.
I then followed these with detail cards.
1) Writing "Future Novel" 2) Replacing computer 3) Finding lover
A) Do it A) Save current A) Phone Gourley
B) Convert diskettes B) Phone Ron: form to DS
C) Test OCR C) Visit After 5
D) Visit Wall St. Sauna
4) Living completely 5) Selling writing 6) Planning trip
A) Read "After Death" A) Check "Tech" A) Get brochures
B) Copy "Kitaro" B) Phone Mitch:1000copies? B) Phone courier
C) Phone Linda: SM's Apt?
D) Buy book-list E) See movie-list F) Watch VCR-list G) Get blood tests
H) Phone dentist I) Use gym J) Phone Sherryl:eat? K) Phone Vicki:eat?
By 7PM I manage to do four; 3A, 4A, 4B, and 4C.

6/15/90: By chance walked into the gym yesterday just after the cute young gym-goer who's slender, wide-shouldered, with dark underarms, and earring in left ear. He signs in clearly: Jeremy Birchfield, and I find there's a J.L. Birchfield on 365 Henry, where Long Island City Hospital is listed at 340 Henry and I fantasize that his father's a doctor and he's just LOOKING for love. Sure!

6/16/90: Note that Edward McDonald is one of the brothers in apartment 3 here!

6/27/90: Wake before 7AM with great urge to copy down lists of what files I want to test for the computer file-type diskette conversion, and list down:
1) Notebooks/Dream/Actualism pages: wide margins; 60 lines per page,
2) Indexing Handbook pages: some-narrow-some-wide margins; 25 lines per page,
3) AIDS House/Future novel pages: narrow margins; 25 lines per page,
4) Lifelist pages: type/date/title with specific format,
5) Movie pages: date/title with specific format,
6) Index-sample pages: incorporating superscripts, italics, special characters,
7) Page-read conversions: whatever their page-read computer puts out(see below)

Then think of the types of pages I want to test for their page-read type-styles
1) Susan's resume: her Magnavox type,
2) Current Notebook/dream pages: 60 lines per page, Daisy-wheel type,
3) IBM Selectric-type: 30 lines per page, Courier ball,
4) IBM "Black"-type: 20 lines per page, now-curving paper,
5) Tiny portable "Letter-copy" type: 25 lines per page, yellowing/carboned type

6/27/90: Type 5/31/90 Note: Pope told me about his $7-8 haircut on Smith, so on 5/31 I made out a list and DETERMINED to get my first haircut this year:
1) Clark Street Station: the Cutting Den: wash and cut $18.
2) Ciccanelli on 43 Clark is now Stefano: haircut $22.
3) Final Touch on 521 Hicks, near President, led me to MY place; later saw $$$.
4) Talking Head at 89 Atlantic Avenue is now vacant, between Montero's & Adnan.
5) Unique Ideal at 114 Court, on second floor, all-black, says "5 doors down."
6) Migui at 233 Smith might be Pope's, just south of Atlantic Avenue;didn't go.
7) Nonesuch at 128 Court is $16 wash and cut + $7 beard trim "red carpet next!"
8) Morst (?), about 155 Court (before Dean) has $15 haircut + $5 beard trim.
9) 175 Court $20 haircut + $8 beard.
10) 313 Court $15 + 5. See B65 bus going to Sackett and Henry!
11) 525 Henry, GREAT: $6 hair + $3 beard +$3 "twice-cut tip" = $12; return!!

6/27/90: Type 6/3/90 note: Graham Farrell (718)783-5617, met 3:05-4:25 at Slades, lives in Forest Hills, from Manmate "Grant says hello", he's 48, composer, works Citybank on Wall St; reddish gray beard, 5'10", interesting, but he's not impressed by me.

6/27/90: Type 6/16/90 note from Grand Army Plaza Arch: "If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Power will concede nothing without demand. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress." Frederick Douglass [They spelled it with only one s!], 1857.
Note from Governor's Island: Photos of arch at Fort Jay of red Newark sandstone. Three Rodman guns, LAST of muzzle-loaders from 1850s. Castle William Admiral's House with portico, now Vice-Admiral Commander of Atlantic Area.

7/10/90: Tropica in Grand Central for me alone:
Appetizer: Black bean soup---nothing to rave about $4
Main course: Trigger fish with thin potatoes and spinach 20
Dessert: Key lime pie 5
Wine: glass of pinot noir 4.50
33.50
Tax 2.86
Tip 5.40
Total(1) 41.76

7/11/90: Tribeca Bar and Grill fantastic food: Appetizers:
1) Endive, watercress, and roquefort salad with walnuts $6
2) Duck salad vinaigrette with cornbread 10
3) Goat cheese, dried tomato, onion rings 8
4) Goose and duck terrine and greens Main courses: 12
1) Liver, onion rings & smoked bacon, pastry ring 16
2) Duck breast, onion confit, salad greens 16
3) Pork cutlet on spinach, just fabulous 16
4) Lobster with couscous, corn, bell peppers 26
Side order of potato pancakes "Vonnas" 5
Sparkling "off-dry" pear-like Mauziac from Gaillac 20
Red Dolcetto d'Alba Desserts: 19
1) Chocolate tarte with Happy Birthday for Dennis 6
2) Pear and Fruit tarte, hot, with pastry ring 6
3) Lemon cheesecake with fresh bing cherries on side 8
3 coffees 9
183
Tax 15.11
Tip 30.00
or $57.03 each TOTAL(4): 228.11

7/12/90: Nick and Eddie's good food: Appetizers:
1) Chicken livers with shredded marinated turnip $7
2) "Borispacho" cold summer soup ["Gaz didn't mind?"] 5
3) Stone shrimp with mustard dip Main courses: 7
1) Duck breast, candied yams, braised endive 16
2) Delmonico rib-eye steak (FABULOUS blood) and spinach 16
3) Spicy steak, mashed potatoes, onion-tomato salad 11
Red Bordeaux, 1984, spicy Desserts: 11
1) Bittersweet chocolate-fudge cake with whipped cream 6
2) Shelley: chicken livers! 7
3) Creme brulee 5
White-wine spritzer 3.25
94.25
Tax 8.00
Tip 16.00
or $39.42 each TOTAL(3) 118.25

For three decent days of eating in NYC, upping my blood-counts from Tuesday!!

7/24/90: Enormous number of SYNCHRONICITIES recently, mostly centering about Future Novel and WRITING: 1) I just THINK of "linden tree" and it turns out to be JUST the tree I wanted; 2) Matt has just gotten an OCR at WORK (and I should tell Susan that I can give her resume to HIM to put on a diskette); 3) Louise wants to read Russia-China (but why hasn't Shelley phoned me back?) just when Bob Karwowsky wants to read AIDS House. 4) Diskettes will be delivered in mail JUST in time to mail out the Springer-Verlag index that I finished Saturday. 5) Springer-Verlag book panned in Omni. 6) Things in MY life to the BOOK: a) Ants article; b) Omni interview, c) talk AT group which is then echoed in what I READ! 7) CD-ROM IBM exhibit as "model" for FN's PUBLICATION and Zinovia's "dictation to the hospital" subplot! 8) Finding Jane Evans Latimer has published her OWN book,and the Ottos and Latimers going into BUSINESS and publishing FN?? 9) Sci-AM "at random" contributes a) CHIRALITY, and b) early- universe DETECTION summary---and FRANK causes the initial inflationary phase!!

7/29/90: Keep wanting to keep track of the names at Homogeniuses, and from the terrible evening at DAVE's, I review that JERRY is the seminary/theology guy, BILL is the cute blond, and JEFF is his arthritis-ridden ten-year lover. And NED is the bald-awful-talkative one, ROBERT is the Japanese speller, BRIAN is the skinny M-Phasis contact, ELLIOT is the docent at Asia Society, FRED is the coordinator, JOHN is his lover, and CRAIG is the solitary traveler on 13th St.

8/19/90: WHERE AM I NOW? Before typing (or trying to type) the notes from BobK on "AIDS HOUSE," I decide to fill out the end of this page. His negative comments are discouraging, of course, yet he seems to indicate that HE could be some kind of editor and that HE knows some publishing companies that I might eventually, if I follow his advice, could work with. AND I've just given him "FUTURE NOVEL," which is much more "spontaneous" than "AIDS HOUSE," which I guess we BOTH think is its worst problem. As to indexes, I've gotten lots in and lots done, and that's just wonderful. As to love-life, I still want to call Tony some night and try to get back. As to trip, the itinerary is almost set and I have to find actual DATES next. As to computer-conversion, I've started putting PAGE NUMBERS and DATES on PERM pages, and I can read in all the old files that HAVE those pages and consolidate into a PERMHIST file, cutting down the previous-saved volume a LOT, I would suspect. Then I read in all the TEMP files, break them into the three sections of Actualism, Dreams, and Notebook, and make them into ONE file EACH so that on the NEW computer ALL those pages will have a continuity. As to my aging, things seem to be going downhill, but I'll still manage the trip. As to Actualism, it might not actually be AROUND that long to take up lots of my time---and if BRJ NEVER gets back to me, I'll have an excuse to NEVER call California and can in a sense blame anything that happens on HIM for not letting ME do as much as I might want to. Dennis will be back on Wednesday, so I'll be getting more telephone calls from him. My calendar is filling up nicely, but I'll have a problem getting out to Chinzan-so because Shelley is on a strict diet, Vicki has no money (though she'll start working at an NYC job which might LEAVE her more money!), Paul seems reluctantly interested in any distant trips, and I might just end up having to rent a car overnight and taking Dennis for some "present" to see what it's like. Peter Luger I can get to on my own by walking, if I have to. Thought recently about my "infinite things-to-do list:" I'm down to TWO movies (which have been there for over 11.5 years already!), ONE book, ONE destination after the Antarctica-Australia trip, TWO restaurants, and the LAST set of books-on-shelf-to-read of the remaining eleven volumes of "1001 Nights." It seems there was another, but I've forgotten. THEN I search down my "Infinite things to do list" and renumber pages in the LIST folder til 11:13AM, and I haven't even had BREAKFAST yet! And I'm not down to the bottom of the page yet, but I'm ALMOST there, and this is the last bit because this is the last line HERE, and all I've got to do is fill in characters until the lastOne!

8/19/90: TRANSCRIPTION OF BOB K'S NOTES ON "AIDS HOUSE":
Batch #1: 1: Too much too quickly. 4: Tooooo breezy Here: "Someone... bed...bathrobe...seemed rude." Not even go for adequate Description!
10: Good for basic problems--THIS is not pop-slop/ladies romance/journalese.
14&15: "spending money" for doing WHAT? "My work", a "design"..."loved people I worked with"---not a sketch, even outline.
//
much 1-2-3 stated facts. "Enjoyed NYC" Why !, what for?
20: When the fuck is today? asshole Russ.
30: "It would...phenomena." What de fuck?
"forced to the simile" talk of OmniAuthor and Disinterested Spectator.
33: 1st page---not (A) all too bad.
////
TODD--his ...are stupidly-belige. But the scene has almost possibilities.
52: Stage-y; Dir cry out for READING Stendhal!
The VANTEK trip need both tightening up and expansion and clarity---sharpness ---definitiveness---crisp---still so much vague.
65: at least "JA" names! but that's all!
The TRICK Scene---a glimmer of something!
//
Batch #2: 207: instead of the digits...we get fingers used for smoking" Gee wilikens. Who else!
208: "An absurd impulse" How? Why?
214: come on now---enough of this 19th Century Victoriana, don't merely tell, don't let us decode, make of it JUST HOW BAD it REALLY was!
216: total PRESUMPTION
217: Is Fran---show ? tell that.
[2] ignorant and vulgar and a moron to boot---and everyone-body else also?
Or is this mere maudlin melodrama?? with lurid drivel, a "gosh and tell" serial.
218: MacK has a long talk. Thank you!
220: A comment ONE only crap "one"..."another" NO!
222: "Intense concentration" sarcastic GIVEN above!
229: Ken was more impressed...just plain ooopis.---Ken an asshole also. Boy.
//
Oh Boy, all these "dramatics" are such a turn-on.
231: Why the Pre-A borg imbicility?
233: "Mrs. Chemistry--a nerve in the lot!
The BRUCKNER! It's a SPECIFIC piece! But what do we - hear - get - metzel.
254: "Ken had always visualized," YES! You don't even need a light coffee cup.
268: It WOULD be comic. Not that it's "How far this was..."
////
This was a trip? More a drip, drop, droop, emotion DRAT!
276: "The most important of the 3. Certainly the most varied" actually written!
All the vices and corresponding non-net any of the Virtues, of THE Big mouth.
BATCH #3----
304: "perforce"---for real?
308: "Ken's next set..." Only a high school counselor could come
/////////////////////////up with such a dull-ing opening.
309: "....the during others" many---it's the uttered 20 besides what's Wagnerian for saying debudder!
310: "HAD" I really needed that, the only one I do not, nor perhaps you any-body-else, :"believe the prepositions..."almost more terrifying" death less Russ' than face.
318: "but...Russ" What a revelation!
322: "perform some physical act against Bill"---now what the fuk is that supposed to mean!
[3]
What? ever happened to Fran. For her illegal "concern" Cramp 326 it make do I suppose.
BATCH #3----
401: Waddaya mean ""between sessions he found..." How Where How, Which What How, Many, Who What!
406: "Bruckner-Mahler" I'm glad I'm at least not familiar with his AM imac seck of a ColEarCrops.
409: "peedee" without a giggle/smirk---besides who is it!
//411: "ni ssowed of 3rd p location Believe it or not this is not a fact, comedy, by SUCH an aside.
Well, well: the Song Scene has got possibilities!!
431: "Like a dog...Ourouboros, spiders (yet)---rocks" but the answering "WHO are you today.
433: reminded of is intellectual, but of what? poseur! simpleton! is itself!.
---FIN---
////
[I guess "Bob: 533-1772 and R.Frost read & Baldwin nit." is not for me??]

8/23/90: NOW VOYAGER FLIGHTS
Date/Price/Days, etc.
Amsterdam
Athens
Antigua
Brussels
Buenos Aires
Caracas
Dublin
Frankfurt
Hong Kong
London
(open-ended)
Los Angeles
Madrid
Mexico City
(open-ended)
Milan
Oslo
Paris
Rio de Janeiro
Rome
Santiago
Santo Domingo
Seoul
Stockholm
Sydney
Zurich

8/24/90: GOT to clarify in MY OWN mind what Bob K's been telling me:
BZ: At least he can tell from my PERSONAL writing that I use caps a LOT, and that flows over to my (bad) writing with the overuse of italics for emphasis.
I DID have to flounder a bit going through the notes from "AIDS House" (AH): HE had to emphasize that there was ENOUGH (though I was rather sad to hear it was "only 5%") showing through to make HIS time worthwhile. I was surprised to find that, in some way, I had come to think of AH and "Future Novel" (FN) as being DONE [I WROTE 200 pages, what more do you WANT!?]. I had to scurry in my mind to get BACK to what I'd known before: these are FIRST DRAFTS (anyway, FN is; one of my PROBLEMS with AH is that it's now about the FIFTH draft---IS it: 1) "journal first-person" was made into 2) "fiction first-person" until someone said it should be THIRD person, so I switched into 3) "fiction third-person" until someone ELSE said that I'd "taken all the juice out of it," so I went back and tried another 4) "fiction first-person" but when rewriting it in the form of AH I went back to a 5) "fiction third-person", so it IS fifth-draft!). BK: You should take an Advanced Writing class. BZ: I KNOW grammar real well, but I feel that the ELABORATE grammar of a Dostoyevski or a Stendahl DOESN'T WORK now---not the "masculine" terseness of a Hemingway, but an almost FRAGMENTED brevity and clarity that conveys an IMMEDIACY is what's wanted. BK: You're working with 10 writing tricks from the 19th Century, there are 90 more that you've got to learn. BZ: I guess if I could FIND the course that taught the "90 more" I'd take it, but I don't trust that it EXISTS out there! I think the heart of my PROBLEM is that I want to TAKE THE CRAP AWAY and get down to my "true voice" which is under there somewhere. But the "candidates" for my "true voice" are interlinked confusingly: I have ONE style when I write for myself, a SECOND style when I write FACTUALLY (which lots of people say is a good one, but that's for FACTS [obviously the best fiction WOULD read as facts, however], a THIRD style [obviously more stilted] for "writing fiction" and a FOURTH style for "writing plays." Maybe even a FIFTH for "writing short stories," since they don't "just go," rather like FN is "just going." With stories, I have ONE CLEAR END in mind, and pare and prune and paste until I think I've got it, then I read it to someone else, or lots of someones elses, and try to incorporate all their comments into the ONE DIRECTION I want it to go. Maybe my trouble with AH and FN is that I want it to SAY something, but TACKED ONTO THAT I know that I have to create characters and settings and suspense and plot-lines and chapters and DELAYS before I get to what I want to say. And BK's complaining about the DELAYS. Why was I so HURT when he said that the first 16 pages of FN could be condensed to 3-4 lines? Why couldn't I just admit that I was "getting started" and "not sure of my voice" and "not sure where I wanted to go," so that this was just "stuff to get out of the way" before I could start the story? But I guess I'm trying to set BK's voice in my mind. When he said "Write a third novel; write a fourth novel," I at first thought he was being sarcastic, but then, when we talked about it, I concluded (without checking with him to make sure) that he just wanted to see ANOTHER voice of mine, hoping that it might show a different direction that he could encourage more strongly than he could encourage continuing with AH and FN. Clearly that other voice MAY be in short stories, or play-form, but it might be more like THIS! Who knows? I guess I STILL don't know his voice, because when I glance at his notes (why can't he use a DARKER pencil??) and see "Great Love Scene!" I STILL don't know if he's being sarcastic or serious (or a combination of the two). But he's willing to continue, which is great, and so now I've got to gather stories, play-forms, and maybe some "journal-type" things---hopefully things that convey some EMOTION, since clearly he thinks that's lacking from AH and FN, and maybe I can go back to "John" to see if there aren't some character interactions that are more what he's looking for. And why my resistance to getting new writers to read: isn't that what I was looking for? I suppose I'm back to my "it's not that I want to read, but I want to HAVE READ" segment of my "I've ALREADY written, now I want to BE PUBLISHED." And BK wants that TOO!!

9/4/90: Shorter Novels of Stendahl, with "Beyle" on the spine and "Stendahl" on the library sticker. Got out of BPL on Friday, August 23, because Bob K told me to read Armance. Start reading at 2:30PM, not noticing THEN that the only latest date stamped on the card in the back pocket said August 8, 1990!
p.77: "at noon, before breakfast." 80: "What is the meaning of those brief words: You have all my esteem? Could anything be colder?" 82: "I must erect an eternal barrier between Octave and myself." 89: "He had bound himself by the strongest vows to resist that passion, and as what he lacked was penetration rather than character, he would probably have kept his vows." I began to get so annoyed with the PRECIOUSNESS of all this [Digression on his other major works, which I'd read long ago and hated: Masterplots describes "The Red and the Black" (1830) as "psychological realism," but I hardly felt the book (as epitomized by the following quotes) real: "Julien Sorel..is a villain...of... morbidly introspective character....Julien, thinking it his duty (as did Octave so hobble himself in "Armance") to himself, made love to [Madame de Renal] in order to gain power over her...Her conscience suffered because of her adultery and she became extremely religious...Julien did not get on well at the seminary, for he found it full of hypocrites...Julien found Parisian high society boring. No one was allowed to discuss ideas...Mathilde's...pride was an insult to Julien. Smarting, he planned to gain power over her and, consequently, over the household. [So like so many of his OTHER plots: love for totally the wrong reasons!]...He gave Julien a fortune, a title, and a commission in the Army [If this isn't a ROMANCE, I don't know what WOULD be, since it's Stendahl's fantasy-fulfillment-fiction, per EB]...Julien went calmly to his death...Mathilde...buried Julien's head with her own hands...three days after Julien's death [Madame de Renal] died in the act of embracing her children." UGH!! As for "Charterhouse of Parma," (1939) "historical romance," contains elements of social comedy and more serious reflections on the futility of life---HARDLY TO TURN ME ON! Fabrizio is handsome, rich, then killed a man and "happy at being a real soldier, he threw down his gun and ran away." Hardly a hero HERE, either! It was decided to send "Fabrizio" to study for three years at the theological seminary. [So WHICH is "The Red and the Black"?] Fabrizio kills Giletti....Marietta takes him to Bologna where his aunt's emissaries supplied him with ample funds, and Fabrizio settled down to enjoy his lovely Marietta. GREAT MORALITY!! He's made an archbishop, but has a child, "But Fabrizio was to be happy only a short time. The infant died and Clelia did not long survive her child. Saddened by her death, Fabrizio gave up his office and retired to the Charterhouse of Parma, a monastery on the river Po, where quiet meditation filled his days." So he murders, fathers a bastard, and ends up in the quiet meditation that Stendahl loved so much. AND was handsome in the way that EB said that Beyle was NOT. HOW UNREALISTIC!!] 99: I may have the good fortune to die. 135-6: [Two good sentences at last]: "the class that is least energetic because it is the farthest removed from any real needs! And the class that has most affectation, because it thinks that people are watching it." 151: Octave is TOLD he loves Armance and "by revealing to Octave the true state of his heart, dashed him from a pinnacle of bliss into a frightul, hopeless misery." 176: "Will not the reader weary of these melancholy details?" You BET! 224: "The great principle: that speech was given to man to enable him to conceal his thoughts"!!! And we NEVER learned "his secret!" Did STENDAHL fantasize killing himself as stupidly as Octave???
THE ABBESS OF CASTRO: p43: "Our honour may oblige us to dip our hands in the blood of that obstinate girl," said of BROTHERS of their SISTER! I conclude it's the SAME STUPID "Lovers may NOT be HAPPY!" Why do I continue reading him?
VITTORIA ACCORAMBONI 142n: The unhallowed loves of a woman were as grave an offence to her brothers as to her husband. How STUPID! And FULL of POPES,too!
THE CENCI is about an Italian Don Juan KILLED by wife & daughter THEN BEHEADED!
THE DUCHESS OF PALLIANO is nothing more than an Italian soap opera:sound&fury!!
VANINA VANINI 268:"Duty is cruel, my friend; but if it were not a little difficult to perform, where would be the heroism?"And for what we need heroism?

9/12/90: 1) Last pages typed on the computer at ALL were OVER a week ago: starting with 9/4/90!
2) During that week my time was spent PRIMARILY watching 30 movies, but that's not all: since August 31 I watched 47 movies in 12 days, ALMOST 4 per day, and if I just start on September 1, I watched 45 movies in 11 days, OVER 4 per day! And I wonder if it wasn't DESPERATION not to get to writing or to getting the stuff together to show Bob K in my THIRD batch. And then he called yesterday, and again this morning, so we're meeting TONIGHT, ending THAT phase!
3) And now it's noon, I've caught up with TV tapes, I've had breakfast, I've got to go to the gym later, and then take more tapes back and meet Bob at 7PM. 4) Watched POV (Point of View)'s "The Good Fight" and AGAIN get filled with the urge to write about the injustice of it all: FDR and the United States REFUSED to lift the embargo of the Spanish Nationalists, allowing Franco to win, and didn't even allow liberty a chance when the SAME members of the Abraham Lincoln Brigade picketed Washington to protest tax dollars being sent to SUPPORT Franco in the 1960s. Then the FBI hounded the veterans out of their jobs and homes for years afterward, saying they were Communists or, even better, "Premature anti-Fascists"! So the US supported the triumvirate of the Catholic Church, the Army, and the Ruling Oligarchy AGAINST the common people, who starved in order to send whatever food they could to their supporting army, which lost because they couldn't get ammunition and planes, while "Britain and France and even the United States in the form of Mobil and Texaco" were sending ammunition and fuel to the Nationalists, who finally won over the anti-Fascistic Republicans (bringing up the question "What's in a name," since the Nationalists were surely against the nation and for the oligarchy. How those rich bastards control the world: selling arms to Iraq which are then used to take over Kuwait, so that the richies can THEN partake of the #1 billion/month US military expenditures to threaten Iraq, which they STRENGHTENED when Iraq was against Iran, after Khoumeni through out the richie-Pahlevi, which was in danger of becoming popularly ruled. I wonder about the value of a volume entitled: "Ruthlessness of the Rich" but figure that no one would publish it, just as no one watched "The Good Fight" until 5-6 years after it was made. I'M MAD AS HELL AND CAN'T THINK OF WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!
4) Finish Holderlin's Hyperion on 9/8/90, and on p.160 note: This romantic WRITING is worst thing since chivalrous romantic LOVE was invented in idle luxury centuries BEFORE. Referring to p.173: "Written as ecstatic Romantic fiction, it can exist, though in another language and another age, only as ecstatic Romantic fiction." Also on p.160 I note with "Yep": "It is a terrible mystery that such a life must die." And "Only in fiction" I say to: "But a beautiful death is always better, Hyperion! than such a somnolent life as ours now is." THAT is the essence of Romanticism, and THAT is the essence of what is WRONG with Romanticism: LIFE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN DEATH, no matter HOW "beautiful" (talk about oxymoron!) that death might be! I say "Ug, NO" at the following: "I am at peace, for I want nothing better than the gods. Must not all things suffer? And the more excellent, the more deeply! Does not sacred Nature suffer?" No, NO, and yet again NO! Again I think to rail against the operas that perpetuate such garbage---maybe there is value in the catharsis of a great Greek tragedy, but how much better that it never be repeated to bludgeon people into thinking that suffering is GOOD and VALUABLE! The PRIMITIVE women give birth WITHOUT pain-killers in such a natural way that some women even prepare to flush their toilets before hearing their baby's cries. Only in the MODERN world are women forced to lay down, the worst position, given opiates which in turn drug the children, and surround everyone with such bright lights and cold rooms and negative painful vibrations that the child AND the mother is traumatized---often even prohibiting the men from watching, which would be of educational value to tell them that this way is CRAZY and not to be perpetuated. HOW MUCH CRAP is there in the world, and how much of it I would love to help be rid of, yet how much time is wasted, like the last 12 days, in which I do nothing but idly entertain myself and do nothing constructive!

9/18/90: Notes from I.B.Singer: "You MUST believe in free will; you have no CHOICE." And "There is a fool in every saint: The saint really believes that what he is, he can make all of humanity like him."

9/18/90: Notes from Stendhal's Memoirs of Egotism: started 9/9/90, ended 9/13/90. p7: "[Stendhal] stood forth as an anti-Romantic, addicted to dryness and factual precision." p20: "He used various special devices to achieve the highest degree of objectiveness and accuracy, by his own standards. It was not the mot juste, but the exact communication of thought that he desired; hence he schooled himself to set forth his observations as soberly as possible, as though he were a botanist studying curious plants." Now to STENDHAL's quotes: p112: "the only thing that could excite her was a glimpse of the handsome thighs of a company of grenadiers in white cashmere breeches as they marched through the Tuileries Gardens." p131n: "Romain Colomb...saw to it that all his posthumous writings were carefully preserved." And what DID Stendhal write posthumously?? p173: [Book] will prove that egotism, that is, sincere egotism, is one way of describing the human heart, in the knowledge of which we have made giant strides since 1721, when Montesquieu, that great man whom I have studied so faithfully, wrote Les Lettres Persanes. p177: "In my view, the hanging of a thief or a murderer in England means that the aristocracy is sacrificing a victim to its security, for it is the aristocracy that drives men to be miscreants. This truth, that seems so paradoxical today, may be a commonplace when my scribblings are finally read." p235: l'Amour sold 17 copies in 10 years! p248: "contemporaries...who are cold and world-weary, in short, philosophers." So, looked at in a SPECIAL way, Stendhal IS interesting!

9/20/90: Notes from FRONTLINE series on "A Decade of Destruction" in the forests of Rondonia in northwest Brazil. As millions of squatters roam the Brazilian countryside for any available farmland, cattle ranchers hire gunmen to terrorize and kill them. Illegal tin miners pollute rivers in indian territory. Miners: Indians took EVERYTHING (as THEY took the indian's environment from them!). "Indian agency was powerless to stop skirmishes (but no skirmishes if no SETTLERS!) Indian: "Then measles got (killed) all of us" (half the tribe dead). Dr. Jose Lutzinberger, "The Mad Professor" (if you don't like someone, discredit him with a catchy nickname), tried to save the forests. Rubber-tappers lived a hundred years WITHOUT destroying forests, CONTENTEDLY. In SMALL NUMBERS, they learned to live WITH the forest from the indians. Lutz: "How crazy to allow colonists to displace contented rubber- tappers." Fat, US-TAILORED Rondonia GOVERNOR urges immigration (to CONTROL more PEOPLE, and a "greater civilization"!) Huge tax incentives from government to create enormous cattle ranches, so ACRES of forest cut, but LAND is so poor it can take ten acres to feed one steer. Pastures overgrown by jungle scrub that's useless as feed. Rubber and cocoa trees vulnerable to Brazilian pests and disease. Lack of RESEARCH to find disease-resistant cocoa. Plots divided REGARDLESS of terrain: no water, on rocky hills, without drainage. Planner: "What's possible was DONE" (NO, only what was PROFITABLE!) Farmers not TRAINED for JUNGLE soils. Lutz: You're replacing a SUSTAINABLE culture with a STOP-GAP plan that'll fail within 20 years. Planner: We've got to feed the families NOW. "They sacrificed the forest so that the REST of Brazil would not be swarming with landless people!" Food rotted in trucks stuck in mud in rainy season. World Bank lent 1/2 billion dollars for ROAD to be paved to DESTROY the forest. Bank's EXPERTS warned: Road will cause trouble. Bank supported it anyway: bank SUPRESSED distribution of the negative report! Lutz: "Agreements (to protect forest and indians) are being FLAUTED." US taxpayer's contributions to World Bank PAID for paved road. Indian boundaries REDUCED by 50%, and reservation SWARMED with squatters. Gold prospectors say indian agency should protect PROSPECTORS. No resources given to fight indian epidemics---another form of GENOCIDE, get RID of those you don't want, another example of "Survival of the Nastiest." THEN I have the brainstorm to PUT THE KEYBOARD IN MY LAP so that I can turn toward the TV set and hear the commentary and transcribe DIRECTLY onto the computer---should I REALLY look to buy a laptop NOW?? Now 2:10PM, where DOES the time GO? Talked to Pope, gave glucometer information to Shelley and Carolyn, washed dishes, and now watching TV, after finding out ACT restaurants for tonight and leaving a message for Dennis to phone me. Back to program: AFTER father died of malaria, wife confessed "Chico shot dead an indian" as he chased them BEFORE they killed his second son! Forests cut and burned for hundreds of miles surrounding the "penetration road" DESPITE rules saying this mustn't be done. World Bank: We demanded an environmental study. Two years later, with road being completed, it still had not been finished. DELAY! More than 11% of the state has been deforested in 1984-1985, precisely when the highway was paved. Bank: It's not cause and effect, that because the road was paved the immigration increased. HOW SILLY. The cattle ranch, 5000 acres cleared, was now abandoned. They cut down the nonproductive rubber trees. Even NEW Governor of Rondonia admitted failure. "Rondonia's principle problem is the devastation of the forests." 1986 demonstration at DC World Bank: "World Bank destroys tropical rainforests" by Rainforest Action Network. We reduce World Bank's input 20% "as a warning shot to beware of environmental flaws." Barber Conable, President of the World Bank, said, "Polonoreste was a sobering example of an environmentally sound effort which went wrong." OBVIOUSLY HE HASN'T LEARNED: it was NOT a sound effort that went wrong, it was an UGLY effort that SUCCEEDED! But the smoke haze in Rondonia was worse than ever the following year. In 1989 satellite surveillance plotted fires; forestry police sent to fires set by ranches in "their continuing need for pasture." "You have to appear at this address at 3PM on Friday." Millions of dollars in fines were issued, but most of the fines weren't paid: "The government didn't appear to want to anger wealthy ranchers in an election year." New Governor campaigned among landless farmers urging that the indian reservation be reduced. "Their 3.5 million acres could have been reduced. The last Governor cancelled the reservation. Squatters moved in to infect even the most distant and isolated tribes: they have no resistance to chickenpox. The indians came into the post desperate and dying. The indian agency director blamed the agency itself. "We can't excuse repetition of the same errors." I'm sure they're getting WORSE, not better! "The corruption and misappropriation of money in this country leads us to great despair. Neither the indians nor the riches of nature will survive in this country." Narrator: "The decade leaves disease, death, and a land changed forever. The huge Samuel Dam has flooded much of the indian forests. Ouro Preto is beooming an industrial center. The 429 road through virgin jungle now is the entry to Bolivia. The World Bank paved the road north, into Acre province, north of Rondonia. The settlers moved down the road." Renato moved to Acre from Rondonia from Mato Grosso from Parana. Settler: "After the last ten years, I'm worse off than before. The government said it would give assistance, but it gave no assistance. LIES. "Where a rainforest once stood, there are hundreds of slums." Much of Rondonia's population lives in worse slums: without sewers, running water, and trash disposal. Lutz: "People are just as poor, just as miserable, and the rainforest may be very close to collapse." Narrator: "Now the miserable settlers wait for other solutions. The indians have been shot and killed. In 1990, new President Fernando Collor, asked for debt to be excused; Jose Lutzinberger appointed to be his Secretary of Environment. In 1990 the fires have been reduced 65% from their peak in 1987."Land reform is one of the most emotional and controversial issues facing President Cohler." Sure, HAVES want to stay HAVES! Squatters are pushed deeper into the forest to start the cycles of slash-and-burn again. EPISODE 2: "Killing for Land." Brazilian government encourages industry and cattle ranching in ortheast Amazon: road from Brasilia to Belem. "Cattle ranchers' profits really came from government subsidies, returning 25% of the ranchers' taxes if they would clear the land." (But the US cleared ITS land, one may protest!) Brazil's 12 million landless poor, staying on land five years, own it. Hired gunmen from the Bella Vista ranch set fire to the homes of the squatters who had been living in the ranch's yet uncut forests. GUNmen: what MAN would pay to use GUNS to burn HOUSES! State police were sent in WITH the gunmen to protect the UNUSED ranch that was only being kept for speculation! Ranch got a million dollars in 1986 in subsidies, though the owner had sold the cattle in 1980 and abandoned the ranch. Judges, Chief of Police, and Governor are all for the rancher against the squatters. Landless poor are willing to die for impoverished Amazonian soil. Governor DID order State Police to leave, but the gunmen STAYED. Squatters ask for land-agency deeds. A passing hunter killed at random to panic the squatters. Ranchers' union, UDR, fights land reform. UDR said property invaded by "professional squatters." Squatters' defender pleaded for police protection; the next night he was murdered. NEXT FOR "CRY ARGENTINA": Ironically, Peron ROSE to popular power in 1946, winning "the freest election to date" by 56% AFTER the populace hated US Ambassador Braden's CONDEMNATION of his leadership! And still the population is PERONIST, even though he and Evita milked them dry! How could fiction ever match FACT?!

9/20/90: [Note from 9/18]: AIDS: Life, human life, first arose in Africa;
it's only fitting that its DEATH began there too!

9/20/90: [Notes from 9/18]: 1) Watching "Thief" I was disgusted that we were meant to sympathize with a THIEF, because he's a better PERSON (loving, kind to his friends, understanding, handsome, sexy) than his crooked (ugly) cronies!
2) Watching "Twenty Years Later", the story of ANOTHER martyr for the people, has the government trying to kill the communists so as not to take LAND from the LANDOWNERS, who go by the resonant Spanish name: Latifundas! 3) Rondonia has been RAPED and the government is still doing it in ACRE, to the north---the LAND is no good, the misery increases, all because there's TOO MANY PEOPLE. And the World Bank is an indian killer because they paved roads that diseased the indians to death, not bothering to fund VACCINATIONS to the tribes before!
4) Hemp (on the surprising program "The 90s") gives food, oil, paper, cloth, and NOT gas or oil, and NOT nylon, and NOT evil, so it has to be CONTROLLED by the Hearst papers, the government, and the oil companies who came out with nylon the year hemp as cloth-source was banned, in 1936(?). And all the speakers insist that even for consciousness-changing, it's BETTER and less destructive than tobacco or alcohol. I'm almost tempted to sneak some of John's grass to see what it's like, but at least I have the wisdom not to do it BEFORE the Board's weekend here, which starts tomorrow, though some of the Californians are here already, no doubt.

9/20/90: WHERE AM I NOW: Now I've gone through all my September bills, have no more indexes to do (have NO hours worked in September), will be picking up the LAST of the porno tapes for a long time tonight on the way to 40%-discounted dinner at Boxer's with Dennis before HE goes to the j/o club at Jays, which I'm happy to hear about. Then the Actualism weekend followed by "Mom's week," since Tuesday will be partly occupied by preparing for her and she leaves on Monday, and THEN I have to take care of paying for the rest of the trip, I think, and THEN have to get back to WRITING, since I have only THREE months in which to finish the "Future Novel," though I had a GREAT idea this morning which I did NOT follow through on: writing a number of "talking heads" about the destruction of the earth by the "swarms of people", which Frank hears when he gets some magic mushrooms at the Amish campfire. Then Bob K will report on my "third and fourth voices," which I hope is positive, and I'm continually relying on words, when all I want is pleasant experiences, eternal life, and happiness from moment to moment which relies on the OPPOSITE of words: feelings and good-will and interest in the job of the moment, which is now on line 60!

10/1/90: MOM'S GONE! And I found the SECOND thing that touched me: when she took her clothes out of my closet, she carefully interspersed the empty hangers among the remaining clothes on the rack, then spaced out everything neatly along the length of the entire rack. She had nothing better to do with her time, after she had packed, than to try to "make my closet nice" for me, as part of her gratitude (along with the "thanx" I just noticed on the "comment" line on the bottom of her check for $275 that she gave me last night) for her stay with me. The FIRST thing that touched me: I went to put away the "clean" dishes in the dish-drying rack (thinking she had washed them and put them there to dry) and found they were DIRTY: then I remembered a few days earlier, after she'd moved my clean-licked breakfast-cereal bowl from the dish-drying rack to the dirty-dish cabinet-surface under the window, I asked her to please leave MY dish in the rack, as I used it again each morning. She appeared to understand, but clearly she HEARD me say that she was to put ALL the dirty dishes in the rack, so, even though she might have thought it was silly, she followed my instructions rather than taking the chance of making me angry by asking me why I wanted the dirty dishes in the dish-drying rack, or taking the chance of making me angry by putting ANY dirty dishes onto the dirty-dish cabinet-surface (and I clearly can't test her for MY terminology for these areas!). I'd started making notes of her nonsense, but only got as far as: "We'll go to the Broadway Grill for dinner," to which she responded "Don't sound too good." After she left, I telephoned Alice, who's better; Mary Vilaboa, who had a body session with Meg on Saturday and will have another tonight before meeting us for the tape tomorrow night; Bernice, who couldn't talk too much because her boss came back, but clearly we have to have a meeting for clarification of terminology so that we can APPEAR to be working together; Barbara, who says that a meeting is OK, she'll keep on looking anyway; Spartacus, who'll be gone on a short trip Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, and then a seven-day trip in mid-October; Pope, who was busy, then I talked to him, then he called me back "like your Mother would," then I called him back when I was touched by the FIRST thing that I'd found that she'd done, as described above; Susan, who's getting in a job that may last her til the end of the year (and NONE of her friends have had ANY work at ANY time this year!), and who may come with me to the Art show in the Anchorage if she has time; Paul Bosten, who hasn't recovered his smell or taste (which Susan suggested may be a CMV infection in the sinuses which may spread quickly and fatally to the head), but may come with me to the Anchorage, had a great AIDS Sunday in church, and who may be interested in an excursion in this nice weather if he doesn't get a replacement job fast; and Dennis, who didn't answer, as I suggested, either because he was delivering an index or tearing his hair out because he WASN'T yet delivering an index which would have been due today. More of Mom: Park Plaza Restaurant was so hot she was going to faint, but Vanessa was so cold she was afraid her cheek would act up: there was perhaps five degrees of temperature difference between the two. There was always too much food, but she couldn't find that marvelous, only shake her head and tsk her tongue four times to show her displeasure about the waste that she wouldn't allow happen anyway: from Park Plaza she brought back pats of butter, envelopes of sugar, carrots and celery and olives from the crudities bowl, rolls from the bread platter, and sweet potatoes and turkey home from the meal itself. I enjoyed my third pork chop while she had the turkey cold because she couldn't figure how to operate the microwave. She changed her mind about Atlantic City when she found we'd be back at 9:30PM, abusing the clerk for not knowing how long we'd be gone, but knew we'd leave at 8:10AM and be back at 9:30PM. She'd not want to walk, but refused to sit in the homeless-strewn park at Sixth and Bleecker AND on the ample bench left next to a woman with a cane leaning back against a motorcycle outside a Korean laundry, but she WOULD sit outside the Chinese laundrette on 7th. "Look how ugly that hat is," "Stop staring at all the men," "Is this Manhattan?" "What's that building?" "When are we going to eat?" and "Should I talk to Dennis?" end!

10/12/90: WHERE AM I NOW?? Will these be the ONLY pages I type with any regularity now? Are things changing so fast that (or changing so SLOW that) this is all I do? There was a third thing from Mom's being here: she'd wiped the crumbs meticulously off the top of the toaster. It's enough to make me weep if she weren't such a bitch. No typing since 10/1. Noted afterward to phone Joe and Louise, talking to both on Tuesday, Louise saying she'd call me back, but it's ten days and she hasn't called yet. I go to the Wall Street Sauna just after 8PM and only yesterday phone to find they CLOSE at 8PM every night. Dennis tells me about Sod-O-Mee on Wednesday for $7 at 565 W.23rd St, at 366-5253, and we debate about going after Alice's birthday party on this Wednesday, but after we walk all day and get stuffed at lunch too soon upon being stuffed by dinner, I just want to go home and collapse. But I'm not doing anything USEFUL! Getting pages finished on the IEEE index, but not starting on it yet, talking to Bob Karwowski, who agrees to come with us on the 16th, to Alice's chagrim. The POINT: I'm not doing ANYTHING on the FUTURE NOVEL! Don't do anything, don't feel like doing anything, don't attempt to do anything on it. Entertain myself with TV tapes, watching all the rest of the Civil War after Mom leaves, and all ten hours of the "Race to Save the Planet" finishing on Thursday. Read: more of 1001 Nights, all of Lem's "Hospital of the Transfiguration" yesterday after I xeroxed it, and most of Barker's "Cabal" today. I MUST BE DEPRESSED! And I even think I know WHY: increasing arthritic pains in my thumb joints force me to hold dishes differently when I wash them; mental states that seem to border on the Alzheimer, and I really don't want to PAY ATTENTION TO THEM, as if ignoring them would cause them to vanish; and even the MOST MINIMAL pressures of getting my bridge sawed on Friday the 29th and the tooth recemented on Monday the 8th puts me in mind of my body's falling apart, and should I worry about the two months south of the equator? I feel that I have less energy, though that might be partly the emotional stress of hearing from Pope that he has less energy following his cold and before his knee orthoscopy, from Alice that she has less energy following her flu and before her worsening with AIDS, from Paul that he has less energy since "Grapes of Wrath" closed and we went to "Once on This Island" Wednesday, and from Dennis when he's working on his indexes and finally cashing his check YESTERDAY from AUGUST! But I KNOW if I just let the pressure off ENTIRELY, I'll start worrying about whatever comes along, just read, take up porno again with such frequency that I'll be concerned about my lack of potency when I try to come two or three days in succession and the best porno doesn't even help---another sign of age that I really don't like to see. And I DON'T feel like changing my writing style just to suit Bob's recommendations---maybe reading Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" convinced me that it's not the WRITING that's so engrossing, it's the VERISIMILITUDE, the LIFE in the detail, that's so attractive: you can FEEL a life you can give thanks you didn't have. And dreams that I have are so mediocre that I don't feel like writing notes on them, so they're lost forever. And this ISN'T lost forever, but what will HAPPEN to it: WILL something happen on the trip that Dennis will get loads of insurance and I can fantasize, in the final seconds before the plane hits the ground or my lungs freeze in the Antarctic Ocean, that my writings WILL be published, and accepted, and looked forward to in the increasing output as the income from the first few pay for even more publicity and publication of EVERYTHING? But will they edit out these last-line flurries, which should so dismally alike, as I count to the bottom of the page, now at line 53, or will they be compared to show that they are NOT all exactly the same, but will shockingly reveal intimate details of my inmost thoughts by the PRECISE wording of the lines, in their actual composition, rather than in any editing which would eliminate the ACTUALITY of the wording of the moment. Only three lines to go, and I've still got the pile on my desk to work through, work on the trip to handle, dinner with Bernice back at Jacqueline's for another winning bottle of wine from the trivial game we're going for---and now Bob K calls to recommend another 5 books and foods.

10/15/90: Catching up LOTS of notes from the past:
1) From Clive Barker's Cabal, finished 10/12/90: p.94: "Decker pulled the mask on. It smelled of his excitement. As soon as he breathed in he got a hard. Not the little sex-hard, but the death-hard, the murder-hard. It sniffed the air for him, even through the thickness of his trousers and underwear. It smelled the victim that ran ahead of him. The Mask didn't care that his prey was female; he got the murder-hard for anyone. In his time he'd had a heat for old men, pissing their pants as they went down in front of him; for girls, sometimes; sometimes women; even children. Ol' Button Face looked with the same cross-threaded eyes on the whole of humanity." Not THAT good tho.

2) From back of Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye, finished 10/9/90:
a) Four references from John Lauritsen from Homogeniuses 10/6: 1) New England Journal of Medicine, May 17, 1990, pp.1466-9, mostly anti-Duesberg, and wanted to check Lentivirus Infections in Nature, 1986, 322:130-6. 2) Policy Review (40-51) Summer 1990. 3) Res. Immunol. 1990, 141:5-10. 4) Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. USA, Vol. 86, pp.755-764, Feb 1989.
b) Note from Mexican exhibit on 10/9: Tepeyac, site of the apparition of the Virgin of Guadeloupe, was devoted to the Aztec Mother Goddess, Tonantzin!

3) From 10/1 note from Dennis about Sod-O-Mee, 565 W23 (11th), $7 Wed 366-5253.

4) From 10/6/90 notes from watching TV ecology films: 1) Bushmen use TREE LIMBS to build temporary housing, with SCARCE trees. They pull up grasses by ROOTS to fill in spaces---there's not enough grass for MANY buildings! They use twigs for fire, why not solar energy?
2) Natufians (in 10,000BC Israel) settled and stayed first, saying "This land is MINE," in Neolithic farming revolution.
3) SETTLING means mother LEAVES (not carries) children, they stop breastfeeding earlier, and can have more children sooner.
4) Hunting and gathering NEGLECTED by settling, and FARMING (using SAME soil) and ANIMAL raising (requiring MORE grass and soil) increased.
5) Limestone, burnt by wood, produces plaster that they used on 7000BC floors.
6) Ayn-Gazal plaster floors exhausted all the wood (for burning) in the area.
7) Wild animals MORE diverse (50 species), reduced to domestic animals (5 species) of which the goats destroyed the vegetation.
8) SMALL population in WIDE area can RENEW over time; but LARGE population produced DESERTS as early as 5000BC.
9) SETTLING increased population; 500 million people in the 18th century. Industrial revolution in 1780s created modern world: factories, cities, wealth, consumers, and pollution, and expanded over WHOLE earth.
10) Selective breeding produced better livestock, tripling meat and wool; while enclosing fields changed farming.
11) Seed drills PLANT better; crop rotating boosts; animal's manure improves land, and then land-farm growth enabled more people.
12) industrial revolution needed workers. English parish registers (1550-2000) showed couples ONLY marry when they can afford OWN HOUSE. More wealth, younger marriages, more people. 1709: Smelting iron with coke (burnt coal) after the firewood (charcoal) crisis in England, helped by limestone. 1779: 1st cast-iron bridge.
13) Industrial revolution produced wealth, population, cities,slave-labor&soot.
14) Life expectancy of factory worker in Machester in 1840 was 17; 34 in farms!
15) 1945: ATOMIC revolution.
16) DDT use showed the Pollution Revolution. Lake Erie died.
17) 1969: Oil-rig spill in Santa Barbara, California, channel.
18) Auto and jet pollution followed.
19) 1970: 1st Energy Day;Paul Ehrlich:population bomb:Environmental Revolution.
20) 1990: 5 billion; by 2050: 10 billion people.
21) India and Nepal NOW using Gandhi's plan of village independence and nonindustrialization and recycling.
22) IN India, development and wealth mean they don't NEED more working children and birth rates are going DOWN.
23) India: cow-dung METHANOL gives electric light for two hours each night.
24) Brazil: Sugar cane juice to alcohol to transportation, and bagasse (trash) to fuel for industry and cattle feed!
25) Indonesia: Brown planthopper pests killed double-production rice plants because crops NOT rotated as in past, spraying produces pest RESURGENCE: MORE!
26) Australia: Takes 500 years to grow one inch of topsoil. NEW grasses don't reseed after droughts. Remedy: reduce cattle by 1/3 and use old grasses.
27) 24 billion tons of topsoil lost per year.
28) It's hard to get ongoing information from government, or, naturally, from chemical companies on natural farming.
29) US Government subsidizes VIRGIN consumption of forest products and metals and glasses, but not RECYCLED papers and metal and glass!
30) We do 10% recycling, while 80% is possible.
31) Japan: To tour incinerators you must don shoe-covers and white gloves!
32) Start thinking of national security, not as military security, but as security of a healthy environment.
33) Casmalia, California, dump-cancers are "incidental."
34) Moscow's city plants poisoning neighbors.
35) Leningrad's dam wall holds sewage into the canals.
36) Kenya: Ten trees cut for each ONE planted.
37) "Preserve and protect what we cannot create," Ocean Spray's tag-line.

10/15/90: Type 10/13/90 note: Terence McKenna (TM): "Having archaic and eating it too." "Lack of brevity is considered proof of psychosis." 10:05-10:15, personal introductions. Jean-Claude van Italie in class. TM interested in my indexing.
1) Psychedelics as instant psychotherapy.
2) In the 70s, Shamanic model of usage.
3) 1/3 spiritual dose may secularize or profane the psychedelic.
Last night: evolving primates eat mushrooms, develop civilization and speech, then fall AWAY into history into troubles we're in NOW.
Nabokov: We are most artfully caged. So: WHY were psilocybin drugs THERE?
TM's intuition: Mushrooms there for a purpose: lifeform of mushrooms, ephemeral as a cobweb, spreads through soil full of chemicals similar to neural controls in brain. Truly civilized life-forms are self-designed. But with SPORES as electron-dense as METALS. Global currents form on spores and SPREAD in SPACE.
Leads to thought of extraterrestrial origins. UFOs are, AW WELL, as ephemeral and ineluctable and not witnessable as mushroom effects.
Shamans WANT professional class of practitioners. They must be mentally aberrant (not used in perjorative sense).
Core experience of tryptamines is encounter with ANOTHER intelligence.
DMT is MODEL hallucinagen: 5-12 minutes acting, it occurs in brain. After smoking, you can DREAM about smoking DMT and GENERATE DMT in your brain.
As polytheism goes to monotheism, the soul is restricted so that it only contacts the pineal gland, and the spirit is EXORCISED from the modern world.
DMT "story": transition to rush of neurotransmitters, and serotonin (less psychoactive than DMT) is REPLACED in synapse, and electron spin-resonance SHIFT produces shift of consciousness. In 30 seconds appears the hallucination "chrysanthemum," orange and rotating, THEN take "one more huge hit." A literal "pop" and "crinkle" entry into ALIEN place of GREAT familiarity. Burst into space (with a CHEER) of elves/gnomes/spirits OR a;utonomous entities escaped from their EGOS which TM calls TYKES. LIKE contact with non-human entities. Like fast-forward cartoon---jumping in and out of your body, showing song/sound -made objects like Faberge eggs. It's a linguistic domain. Shaman OVERCOMES state-boundedness to BRING BACK dream stuff. DMT operates ONLY on VISUAL input.
DMT does NOT touch personality. Tykes have an AGENDA: RECOGNIZE that the world is made of LANGUAGE: "The assembly-language domain of reality." DMT shows SYNTAX---that gives ANSWER to problems: DISSOLVE ego and return to COLLECTIVE.
"Transform language from something HEARD by the ear to something SEEN by the EYE." Transform TO a more-perfect LOGOS BACK to language from "reality." Having their point of view is standing in their shoes is BEING them. Ayahuasca, psychoactive blend of two plants, has NOTHING not in our BRAINS. THEIR songs are critiques visually.
11AM: Telepathine is now HARMINE. Harm?? 1000BC Greek phonetic alphabet is a step AWAY from nature. When veils START LIFTING, TM says STOP. Tykes may be, by exhaustion, 1) autonomous elements of the psyche, 2) TRUE ETs, 3) dwellers in parallel continuum, 4) FUTURE human beings (and I note: or ELEMENTS of CURRENT evolutionary changes), or 5) souls. WHY aura of familiarity and LOVE? He disregards my body-egos EVOLVING themselves. He goes BACK to PLAYPEN hung with psychedelic self-bouncing basketballs. HE's as much affected by past in his trips as I was in MINE! "Archetype of DMT is a CIRCUS." Tykes "want to do a deal---they're TRADERS. TM took a "ball" and tykes took HIS I Ching. Harner's "Hallucinagens and ???" is a recommended book, as is Graves' "White Goddess." Technique: "You lay down in silent darkness and take 6g dry-weight for a 180 pound person, which is ENOUGH (and not too little), and mushrooms must be fresh, or if they're dry, they're NOT rubbery. Take on six-hour empty stomach. It comes ON in 80 minutes. Rule: Don't combine mushrooms with MAO- inhibitors. He seems to have THREE conflicts: 1) Describes ayahuasca as TWO unrelated plants, and then ABHORS the synergy of COMBINING drugs. 2) He WANTS "self-directed personal growth" and then INSISTS that tykes are OUTSIDE himself. 3) He WANTS ego to dissolve and FEARS it and fights AGAINST it. DMT and psilocybin are cyclocyzed(?) tryptamines, the best and MOST NATURAL drugs. MDMA is TOXIC. Cannabis is "God's greatest gift to suffering mankind." TM gets to PLACE and invites tykes IN (like my mympths!). Avalon's "Fairy-Fay" has old CELTIC mushroom-tales. St. Patrick converted FAIRYLAND to PURGATORY.
11:50: PURPOSE of history MUST be acquisition of our technology. Our DESTINY lies in IMPLEMENTING our IMAGINATIONS. John Crowley: Little Big is about a Fairyland family. Santa Claus: 1) Red and white = Amanita, 2) Reindeer URINE is BEST amanita source, 3) North Pole is cosmic Ygdrasil axis, 4) Elves make toys. "I still remember childhood Christmases." "Raised Catholic and read mystics." Psychedelic experience does NOT end in white light! HIGH DMT doses lead ONLY to unmemoried unconsciousness. I don't PUSH the spiritual quest. Resort to plants is SIMPLY a confession of HUIMILITY: I CAN'T make it MYSELF! Shamans are ECHT-pragmatists. Shamans' AIM: Cure the sick, help the hopeless. TM says you SEE spirits of WHERE you are: DIFFERENT at Konarak, NYC, or Palenque. Sheldrake's "morphogenetic fields" are AMPLIFIED in drug-states. When you TAKE DMT, you're IN 5000 years of use. Ketamine's space NOW is empty, TO BE filled. You have to SHOOT it, and it depresses the immune system. It's PERSONAL; datura is awful, but not for others. TM's big question: WHY is it so TOTALLY ALIEN and OTHER? Terence: As a human being, EVERYTHING is part of me. BACK to trip: Navigate by singing, since oxygen to brain is guiding factor. When everything turns to meat, SING. At the end: EAT before you sleep. In at 8PM, out by 12. If you don't think you did too MUCH, you didn't do ENOUGH. A Good trip makes four times a year optimal. DMT is THE Golden Key to ALL enlightenment. You do as MICH of it as you can STAND. The WORK of shamanism is to bring goodies BACK. 12:35: GET things OUT be repetition and NOTES. High-dose psilocybin CAN prepare for DMT trip. SMOKING found by Columbus by Carib Indians. ENEMAS found in Amazonia using RUBBER. HUmid sweaty sexuality, high, permits ACTUAL MERGING of physical bodies. Orgasm MAY be due to ENDOGENOUS DMT. Semen retention aims for pleasure, health, and longevity. Last night: we became what we ATE (including mushrooms). Lunch 1:02 to 2:15. SMOKE matchhead's worth of DMT; in glass pipe, an orange cast, mothball-look to DMT. 5-methoxy-DMT (for "enormous emotion") and 5-MEO-DMT (fatal to sheep) do not give hallucinations. "Toad foam" is Bufo Alvares neck-gland juice. Pacif Reef Fish has natural DMT. 230 non-chlordaned morning-glory seeds work, as does Argeria nervosa (Hawaiian baby wildrose), which needs only 15 seeds for trip, but it's hard to raise. Ayahuasca produces large cats, snakes, and black people. INVARIABLY for city and for country people. LSD was SOLD as "love drug". Mushrooms are ravers: transformation NOW! Schizophrenic delusion of reference is: I save the world. Psilocybin PRODUCES synchronicity. "Invisible Landscape" by McKenna is WEIRD. Drug molecultes CAN intercalate with DNA. Thus activity CAN change the genome. TM: Ayahuasca singing VIBRATIONS DRIVE drug molecules INTO DNA NOW. TM: Mushroom is an artefact from other world. Recording device? Transmitter? Middle-East Mandayans expect messiah to build MACHINE to transmit sould to LIGHT-SOURCE. TM: The more psilocybin I take, the more I think of other worlds. 2:58PM: Julian Janes: Ego USED to be called "The Voice of God" in "Bicameral Mind"---it changed in 1000BC. St. Thomas Aquinas was the FIRST man to read WITHOUT moving his LIPS. "Everpresent origins" by John Gebser is GREAT. Break 3:05-3:15. Words just meaningless---just TAKE drugs. Amanita: Supreme entheogen per Wasson. It's SEASONALLY and GEOGRAPHICALLY variable, and GENETICALLY variable (strong or weak). TM's has ONE original idea (tomorrow), and TOTALLY changed: 1946 born, 1966 Marxist, and 1967 smoked DMT for change. EVIDENCE for a transcendental world. DMT EVIDENCE is INTENSE REM. Psilocybin goes through stages; in DMT, you're THERE. In 1500s mines below 500 feet infested with GNOMES. LSD leads to self-knowledge which leads to a cure for alcoholism. To HELP, raise the level of public dialogue. TM: Purpose of weekend: organize a COMMUNITY OF UNDERSTANDING. Coffee break and cocktail hours make folk into workers: typical patriarchal drugs. That drugs are illegal means we're manipulated. Marijuana LEGALITY would REDUCE alcoholism. "Archaic revival" (better than "New Age," invented by Blavatsky, and obsolete in 1925) STARTS with breakdown of sex taboos; continues with introduction of PRIMITIVE into art, Nazi torchlight parades, Hitler's 1000-year Reich, abstract expressionism, psychedelics, deconstructivism. DOWN with linearity, uniformity, and non-individuality. RETURN to archaic community. 4:17: Same forces destroying COMMUNISM will bring down US Government. We seem to be EXPLODING ourselves into scrapheaps. 35% of world resources consumed by 8% of its people. Only BRAINS can detect morphogenetic fields. Sheldrake: Psychedelics spread our mind through time. Hallucinations are PERMANENTLY co-present. TM's conclusions: 1) Invisible worlds exist, thus materialism is OUT. 2) There IS non-human intelligence, "knowing from personal encounters." 3) There IS consciousness without an object. Mind can exist without BODY. Leary: LSD is psychoactive drug that causes psychotic reactions in NON-TAKERS. TM's philosopher: Alfred North Whitehead. Di-iso-propyl-tryptamine affects only SOUND. Mind SEES meaning, sometimes where there IS none. History REJECTS ;ancestors FOR grandchildren. To 4:54, saying that we'll start at 10AM tomorrow morning; and I'm exhausted!

10/15/90: Type 10/14/90 note: TM needs two books indexed---he'll take my card to his publisher and I quoted about $1/line. 10:10: Rosetta sells monographs on psychedelia. Two spore catalogs and Syzygy owned by TM. History is LANGUAGE shifting from EAR to EYE. Tykes say to TM: CREATE sound-forms YOURSELF. Magic sounds are SOUNDED LANGUAGES/AESTHETICS. Ralph Metzner: TM's glossolalia is the reflection of his ambient emotional state. Felicitas Goodman describes glossolalia. For TM: All MEANINGS are FEELING-tones. Cephalopod color-changes are LINGUISTIC. TM: Languages are living organisms: we are viruses swimming in the bloodstreams of languages. Language IS the genius loci. We are meat computers for language processing. He's so unreal he DOESN'T see his BODY-part language and interrelationships. We walk in huge heaps of IDEAS: NYC. We may have REGRESSED from pre-historic VISUAL language. There's a continuum from the extremes of ego to the extremes of Tao. AIM: SEE the ego AS Tao: go with the flow? We must RECLAIM primacy of DIRECT experience. TM preaches ego-concentrism OVER egotism. Break 10:56 to 11:11. Hapoxlegomenon: ONE occurrence of word, like "behemoth" in Bible. Program to aid in getting ideas: "I'm obsessed by ideas." Descartes 12/1620 in Ulm: Angel said: The understanding of nature is achieved by measure and number: thus the birth of science. TM's angel said that novelty, whose closest synonym is Tao, as in AN Whitehead is an ebb and flow of TIME as medium (as Einstein made SPACE a medium), and there are DYNAMIC times versus RECIDIVIST times. A fractal, embedded quality in time's NATURE. Model of a DIFFERENT way of being in the world. Obscurantist koan: I ching, King Wen sequence: 64 codons in DNA, as many glyphs in I Ching. Goal: Observe CATEGORIES of time. I Ching from stody of flux IN functioning mind. Thus there are 64 elemental SPECIES of time, and the I Ching is the oldest ordered pattern in existence. Fractal wave-mechanical form is EMBEDDED in the I Ching: 64x6 (lines) = 384, equal to 13 lunations of 383.93 days. Also the Jewish calendar. I Ching is the neolithic lunar agricultural calender, while the solar calendar is male dominance, overcomes lunar, female, dominance. Fixity, permanence, and stability is the solar "demand." 384-day-cycle x 64 = 67 years, 104.25 days, divided by 6 = 6 cycles of 11.2 years which is the sunspot cycle. Times 64 AGAIN, 4306 years, is twice the zodiacal age, and by 6 again is 25,000 years, the great year, precession of the equinoxes. First order of difference IN the I Ching is measured by "how many lines change?" 3/4 odd numbers, 1/4 even numbers. TM: 67 years should be FRACTAL part of above/below. Start in 1906? Discovery of relativity. Start on Aug 5, 1945 (Hiroshima), ends on December 21, 2012AD, which in the Mayan calendar is the END OF WORLD date! Mushroom message IS calendric calculations. "Secret code of Genesis/Torah" has a major planetary transformation on July 6, 2012. Make 12/21/12 the END date, and get map of novelty through time---predicting the PAST. SHAPE of curve is first-order differences in King Wen Sequence. Novelty MOST at graph-low. Curve IDENTIFIED: 1) prokaryotes into eukaryotes, 2) asteroid kills dinosaurs, 3) glaciations and melts. ["Novelty is ANY process"] 4) Goddess/mushroom/ pastoral END at 6500BC at Catal Huyuk. 5) Ur/Chaldea/Egypt "developments." 6) Mycenaens overcoming Minoan culture. 7) Fall of Roman empire to 1600 a fluctuation era. 8) 1124: second crusade and Eleanor of Aquitaine. 9) 1358 Black Plague/Giotto/Tamerlane/ Eckhart. 10) 1440 Gutenberg (ending the height of stasis) to 1492 (novelty height). 11) return of slavery to end in 1741---European enlightenment:Voltaire/ Descartes. 12) Napoleonic restoration. 13) Novelties of the 30s. 14) 1/13/1967: human be-in "Telling us what we want to believe." Harmonic convergence "A minor player"? 14) Gulf crisis---Hex 49: calendar reform. The "grain" of the graph is Planck's constant. 8/2/90 (Mohammed born in "resonance" to the invasion of Kuwait. a) Tienaman Square--- largest number of people in square; b) fall of Berlin wall "Graph cannot fail." c) 11/23/90---breakpoint into "novelty." Start of War? "Sand dunes look like wind because they're made by wind. Objects in time LOOK like TIME." $8000 to program, sold about 12 for $80 so far. 2012: Space-time continuum collapses, we enter hypertime continuum, earth heaves a sigh of relief. 15) 1992 LOWEST POINT YET. Program called Time Wave Zero." Psychedelics test: "TELL me something I don't know so that I know it's not ME. Ultimate psychedelic experience is of TIME. Lunch break 1:04-2:18. Feb 14, 1992 is MINIMUM of .00519. Alfred Whitehead: Natural laws stable within EPOCHS. 4300 years ago came male dominance. 1945 came atomic resonance to big bang. Collective cybernauts of hyperspace is what we are. 2:35: Psychedelics will NEVER be known by UNWORTHY. LSD terrified establishment because it BANISHED Loyalty; it was anti-male. All religions are differing perspectives on the transcendental object at the end of time. Flying saucer purpose? To confound science. Pre- Zoroastrians/Avesta/mushroom cults. Wasson: Road to Eleusis: Magic from ergotized beer. TM: Show me a sign: huge green bolide and Finn, now 12. WHOR: Water-heavy oxygen-rich worlds. Heinlein story: Year of the Jackpot: it ALL happened. TM: NO life after death, but "main tyke" is oddly like "dead TM." Break 4:09-4:24. Mushroom: I trade my smarts for your handiwork. Mushrooms: GROW me and EAT me. TM: If you're together enough to grow it, you'll be together enough to take it. To 5:01, more exhausted than yesterday.

10/16/90: Thoughts on TimeWave Zero: 1) If grain of resolution IS Planck's Constant, ANY MINUTE (let's say) will have BOTH a resonance and a
resonance IN it, since it's almost "infinitely embedded. 2)
for six billion years MEANS that ALL of the last BILLION has PRACTICALLY MAXIMUM novelty! 3) PROGRAM isn't "finished," since ALL graphs should have
64 discreet points, and last stage of "zoom" clearly ends with FEWER.

10/17/90: Start Clive Barker's WEAVEWORLD on 10/15 and finish between 12:15 and 4:20AM on 10/18, waking up AFTER I'd taken two stiff shots of vodka in honeyed camomile tea for what seems to be a very QUICK-onset cold that leads me to go to HIP later this morning [10/18]: p75T: "he felt sick as a flea in a leper's jock strap." p88: first mention of Lo, Aia, and Ye-me. p118-9 descriptions of five new characters from Weaveworld. p129B: "What is the Fugue?" is answered. 347M: Call should be Cal, so "clearly" this was computer alphabet-checked and set DIRECTLY without (or with awful) proofreading?? 358T: morning should be MOURNING. 367T: "After all, hadn't the author of this book (the fairy-tale book, but clearly also THIS book) turned his thoughts into words, in the act of writing it, knowing his readers would decode them as they read, making thoughts of them again? More: making an imagined life. She here was she now, living that life." 388M: "On top of one of the pillars sat a stringly middle-aged man in a shabby coat---a large pair of binoculars around his neck---who looked up from a notebook in which he was scribbling as she approached." AUTHOR on his ivory pillar? 423: ad should be and. 480B: the should be that. 484T: fereting should be ferreting. 495T: it's should be its! As I told Bob K, who seemed to agree with me (he's read ONE story of Barker's about a SUBWAY "that did the same for the subway that Hitchcock did for the shower in "Psycho"" but didn't like his other stuff, didn't read "Weaveworld") that it's frustrating to read a book that's 20% great with 80% that could have been MUCH better but just seems tacked on. I can SEE where he starts to strain, which is most of Book Three, where it seems to be TOTAL padding, and other times before that when he's just "treading water," and even making notes to himself, like the "fabulous rooms in The Firmament building" that he never gets back to. Maybe I could get to "Future Novel" soon and edit it thuswise??

10/18/90: Find that I got a SECOND King's County Juror red-slip since 4/9/90, and phone the number NEW (it wasn't stated last time!) for "sole proprietor with fewer than three employees" exemption, and when I say I was last called in APRIL, she tells me to call the computer to see if I'm down TWICE, so I call the number she gives me and ANOTHER woman says I probably got a notice so soon because I MAILED in the last 1040 with my self-employed status, and she says "You're exempt until 1993." So I put the notated forms in my PERSONAL file.

10/22/90: I call Mom about her tic: I was THERE 6/9 to 6/14/86. She started Tuesday 10/2 at 10AM; then Mon 10/8; Wed 10/10 8:45PM; Thu 10/11 at 10, 10:45, Midnight; Fri 10/12 9:30, 11AM, 2PM; Sat 10/13 3PM; Sun NONE; Mon 10/15; Wed 10/17 6AM continuous; Fri&Sat NONE; Sun 10/21 9AM,10, 11, 12(4x)++++; Mon 10/22 10AM, 11(3), 2PM [Now]. Akron doctor at 2:30 & Cleveland Tuesday at 1PM:Helen.

10/23/90: TV notes: 1) Madness: chemical weapons banned by Geneva in 1925, but we and Russians and Germans STILL make chemicals that it would COST MORE to DISPOSE of than to MAKE. 2) Bottom of Baltic, North, and Irish Seas littered with hastily-sunk British chemicals. 3) CRAZY parade of Russians wearing MEDALS, the more the better: kids' weenie-waving! 4) 70,000 tons on each side in STORAGE, in Utah and on Johnson Island in Pacific. 5) DEPRESSING MADNESS. 6) Guy SMILES as he says "Chemical weapons (which he COMMANDS) should never be used FIRST." Notes from JAPAN: 1) No trade, no wealth: NONSENSE! 2) 1930s: army into Manchuria and China, then 1941-45. "Tojo died in PLACE of Emperor." 4) Korean War: US FOUGHT, Japan reaped PROFITS with orders of $1 million/DAY!!

11/7/90: Finish Shaw: The Bodley Head Bernard Shaw Collected Plays with their Prefaces, Volume 1: Plays Unpleasant: Widowers' Houses, The Philanderer, Mrs Warren's Profession; Plays Pleasant: Arms and the Man, Candida, The Man of Destiny, and You Never Can Tell. p194B stage direction: "She runs out, casting a Parthian glance at him as she flies." p264T essay "simply stupid men who thought that indecency consists, not in evil, but in mentioning it." p617B stage direction: "He is just now boiling with vexation, attributable by a superficial observer to his impatience at not being promptly attended to by the staff of the inn, but in which a more discerning eye can perceive a certain moral depth, indicating a more permanent and momentous grievance." p742M setting "A visitor...would, if his taste lay that way, admire the wall decoration of Lincrusta Walton in plum color and bronze lacquer, with dado and cornice; the ormolu consoles in the corners; the vases on pillar pedestals of veined marble with bases of polished black wood, one on each side of the window." He might be taken to be quite mad!

11/8/90: Note from BPL R355.8209 "Weapons" p.89B: "Japanese laid down their first [aircraft] carrier in 1919, and began flying trials from her in 1923."

11/8/90: Note from 11/3: Phoned St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital at 523-4000 and find that Paul Bosten hadn't been in since July! Then phone him and find that he didn't NEED to have his implant removed, so I'm sorry I didn't call SOONER!
Phoned Mom and she gets 10 jabs/day, Helen's being nice to her; Cayet told her she's too OLD to go through her skull, and the Doctor from the Cleveland Clinic told her the same thing, so she's got a CAT scan scheduled for noon 11/13, getting the results at 1:30, and she's making her OWN arrangements to be taken there! Pope sent her a card and Mom sent him a CHECK (which Pope didn't confess to me, though he DID confess to getting caught shoplifting at KEY!!), and while we were talking she got a jab at 9:32AM, another at 9:34AM, her first two of the day, and then again at 9:53AM, just after saying she HATES them when they're STEADY, as they were one day last week, but there are STILL days when she has NO shocks at all. So I guess, regrettably, she's stuck with some of it!

11/8/90: Note from 11/5 TV: In 1929 the fucking AMA forced Congress to withdraw funding from all Public Nursing Services, because THEY were supplying better services than the DOCTORS, who were getting jealous of their monopoly! During World War II, the Navy allowed NO black nurses, and the Army allowed 56 black nurses ONLY until January, 1945, when they admitted as many as wanted---but the war was practically OVER by then! STUPID AMA and NAVY!!

11/8/90: WHERE AM I NOW? Clearing up lots of stuff from the past, paying bills long past due, ASI and other resumes; got the flu shot today and is it my imagination that I'm feeling feverish, concerned that it takes about a week to take effect? Finished Volume 1 of the Bodley Head Bernard Shaw, so I have nothing to read tonight but 1001 Nights. Lots of dream-notes to catch up with next, and THAT will probably exceed my limits on THIS volume of SCRIPSIT, the first with SOME dates and page-numbers intact, though I guess I should correct them ALL, and then work BACKWARDS? Finished the two indexes hanging around, and got another one today that has to be done by MONDAY, which is nice, though I have less than $5000 left in my Liquid Investment Account and MORE than that outstanding on current credit cards, though I have $3200 due from indexing bills which will probably finance me for the rest of the year even WITHOUT new jobs. Lots of time spent on Actualism, FINALLY coming to the point of the meeting on Sunday that the Board won't sign ANYTHING unless we can support it on OUR 1990-level of finances with NO projected student-entries---which was what I'd questioned about Valda's proposal in the FIRST place. Then a few phone calls and letters to finish tomorrow, and I should do the index and start back on FUTURE NOVEL, which has lain dormant for FAR too long: only 50 days LEFT!

11/9/90: NOTES from "Power in the Pacific":
1) Weinberger has NERVE to say that New Zealand is being STUPID to insist on being a nuclear-free zone, so they think they won't be a target, like Belgium in two World Wars. Who'll BOMB New Zealand? US? Is he THREATENING them? Why couldn't the US be nuclear-free TOO?
2) Philippines (after "century of being a US colony and client state) is stupid for wanting to kick out US airbases. Just think, putting all those whores and drug-dealers out of business in that base-near town! WHICH foreign bases would WE tolerate on OUR soil?? Mindlessly chauvinistic, ego-centered, unreasonable!
3) "Power without Purpose," says the anti-Japanese commentator. Just because they're not like US and want power to EXPLOIT, SUPPRESS, and KEEP RICH VS POOR?
4) AGAINST Japan's Kentucky Toyota Plant. So WE don't like to be treated in PRECISELY THE SAME WAY WE TREAT EVERY NATION IN THE THIRD WORLD THAT WE CAN!!
5) US PLEADS with Japan to buy our properties and support us, and then gets MAD when they DO! WE can export profits from third world, but THEY can't from US?
6) NERVE of T. Boone Pickens to DEMAND board suit, and he doesn't HEAR when the Japanese say that he's NEVER improved the efficiency or earnings of ANY company he's ever been connected with; he only wants to exploit and make HIMSELF rich!!
7) We've gone from MAD (mutual assured destruction) with the Russians to ECONOMIC WORLD DESTRUCTION if our competitors don't continue to assume that we're the strongest, richest, smartest, and most altruistic, when NONE of these are any longer the truth: our government is corrupt, decadent, &WORTHY of doom!