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2/6/93: I can't BELIEVE that the last NOTEBOOK entry was 11/30/92, but that's a "tribute" to the enormous amount of time I wasted playing Mahjongg, Minesweeper, Solitaire, and other games during the past three months. Now that I have a cold I can coddle myself with doing "nothing," like spending two hours just READING last night before going to bed, but it's terrible how far behind things like writing letters, maintaining the computer (moving the board and finishing the "study Windows" diskette that came with the version that I installed that seemed to cause the problem of "frozen logo" when I'd go to Windows from various places), and updating lists are---not to mention the still unedited Galapagos and South African videos. John got me another step "back to normality" yesterday by making the end-of-line marks visible on the screen with a P-character that is a bit smaller than the one I got used to seeing in Scripsit. He also taught me how good it was to use Outline, which gives headings AUTOMATICALLY, and that I can block HUGE amounts (including to end of document), by setting on "block" and then just doing "page down" or even Home-Home-Down to get to the END of the document. Then I can either ERASE them or MOVE them. AND he showed me the "alternate keyboards" so that HE could set up his OWN set of key-coded macros quite independently of MINE. AND today, I used the first of the paper-saving "print screen" keys to print just THIS section of the (nicely-at-top-of-page) NOTEBOOK on SAME sheet as the bit of DREAM I just completed previously. Now I have to decide how to FILE them! Problem-solutions always bring NEW problems! Unfortunately, it turns out that THAT character PRINTS as a "-character on the PRINTER. Find ANOTHER??

2/23/93: Wanted to write this yesterday, when I was feeling so AWFUL and DEPRESSED, but watched more VCR tapes, which improved my feelings, and then I had to leave for Gay Men Together, which was also successful, with two intelligent new possible members. Yesterday, watching an ice-skating tape, I was VERY depressed by perception that they were all using their skills for "bread and circuses" and colorful intricate costumes and music and humor, rather than just sheer SKILL. Then watched the Republican Response to Clinton's speech and was VERY depressed by their smarmy smiles, their willingness to support good government (then why didn't they do it when THEY were in power?), and their "willingness to sacrifice." Probably NOT! More than before, I'm almost overwhelmed by hopelessness: those in power and wealth will NEVER give them up, ALWAYS to the detriment of the middle masses. But then I try to look from the "observant bystander" point of view (and at this moment have the pleasure of learning that new pages can be print-queued while a large job is being printed, and then I can work on an entirely DIFFERENT document) and LAUGH at the whole mess, rather than trying to think how I can CHANGE it. Idea of "Corporate America: The Worst Oxymoron" series in The New Yorker magazine, itemizing how the corporations are making America EVIL, based on the awful religious-right program I flicked through, insisting to a priest that "There IS no global warming, ozone hole, environmental problem---I'm trained in science and I KNOW." Then Billy Ray Cyrus gets cut off JUST as he takes his shirt off, and I skim Time Guardian and AGAIN get that old series of thoughts: because "drama" demands "must and cannot" there always have to be VILLAINS, but they're just SET UP to be knocked down, and the good guys ALWAYS win, but no one LEARNS not to be bad THROUGH them. Moralistic movies only preach to the choir. But then coyotes are charming in their "cat pounce" mode, and I begin to feel better and don't follow up my impulse to write this when I have more to SAY about it. Then drag myself to the gym, and KNOW I'll feel better when my body is in shape, and maybe go to gym Friday morning and THEN take a blood test while I'm FASTING from Thursday night, to get lowest possible cholesterol and triglyceride readings. Finally finished printing movie-list this morning, transcribed the last of the OLD dreams and Actualism classes, and have started keeping a LIST of times wasted on Minesweeper and Mahjongg, as a gimmick to LESSEN my time on wasters and MAXIMIZE productive time NOW!

2/25/93: Clearly related to the DREAM [DREAMS:2/26/93] for today, I dream of living in an "expanded, happier" space, and I'm hoping my three days of Actualism practice has helped me actually into this space. After days of being addicted to computer games, VCR tapes, and non-mail-reading, I feel somewhat energized into going to the gym, then to my physical, then "getting into the tax" to see how much MONEY (one of my lacking-of depressions) I'll need by mid-April and my chances of scrounging it up. Hope to have cut through LOTS with my "garbage disposal unit" and just simple MEDITATION. Now if only the physical can go OK!

3/11/93: Catching up on THINGS, and on previous page I "couldn't believe" that I'd had no notebook entries, but that's because I've started piling NOTES into my desk-top cache, so now I have OTHER notes I'll transcribe HERE, from NOW:

Note from 1/3/93: FANTASTIC: A lost Michaelangelo Hercules sketched by Rubens at Fontainbleu---a huge marble statue just VANISHING!

Note from 1/13/93: Jan Werner from Jan Werner Data Products at IBM talking on Hypertext to about 35 people at 2:03. Lotus DUMPED "Agenda," current is "Notes" for $25,000! MOST Hypertext programs NOT worth DOWNLOADING. Computers do only THREE things: 1) Information storage and retrieval, 2) Automated repetitious tasks, 3) Object manipulation. Linear text is DIVIDED into OBJECTS. HyperMEDIA adds pictures and sound. Autodesk sold-off Nelson's Xanadu. Hypertext MUST:
1) Let you set your OWN links, 2) Be small, 3) Have little or no royalties. Hypertext HAS 1) Document CREATION and 2) Browser.
Electronic Book Company has Dynatext. Electronic zone BBS: (412)239-3504, from University of Pennsylvania and Indiana: (9600 8n1). KEEPS data on Hypertext. NO log-on fee. Folioviews (on Novell) has WP book uses. The best is good and costly. Hyperhelper best for PERSONAL use. He USES Folio and Hyperhelper: available on Compuserve, $99, doesn't like "SAGE" editor. Hypertext is cheaper than printing, always. He shows us xhelp/help. 412 349-3584 (04?). Owl-Guide is scroll type---like Windows help. K-Edit is HIS choice of edit program. Hypertext MUST: 1) Drop bookmarks (where you came from), 2) Keep a history. WANT to "mark on input-fly." At 3:23 we're down to 23 people. Microsoft is buying up copyrights and becoming a PUBLISHER. Can't EDIT or UPGRADE CD-ROMS, so have "intercept" on HD. Mead (paper) Data Central bought Folio, but sells to lawyers as Nexis and Lexis. Both high-cost: hundreds of dollars for searches. Prodigy services laid off 20% of their staff this week. 386-computers now stopping production. Only Intel Pentium-fast will be useful in future. Fujitsu will take five years for a pen-computer, he thinks 5-15 years.

Note from 2/8/93: Gay Men Together: I lead: Notes for my questions: To what extent can you DECIDE to CHANGE something about yourself? a) You CAN'T change your birth date: older or younger you CAN'T be. b) Chin line PROBABLY not, though Michael Jackson can change his SKIN color. c) Probably CAN become "a better person," but to what EXTENT? Questions added as they spoke: 1) Is your occupation YOU? 2) WHAT is an adult? WHEN did you change from boy to man? 3) If you could EFFORTLESSLY acquire one talent you don't have, what would it be?

Note from 2/26/93: Pope recommends Two Halves of New Haven by Martin Schecter, that he borrowed from BPL, and I start 2/26/93 and finish 2:55AM 3/2/93; it's GOOD!

Note from 3/10/93: John S. said he had five points to make to me about my South African #1 slide show for PrimeTimers: 1) Airplane-slides HE should take out and get color-enhanced, 2) HE has to get maps made for my shows, 3) HE has to look into lap-dissolves for next shows, 4) HE has to see to PA system in Gay Center room, 5) Music COULD add to program, but THEN there must be another SOUND-LEVEL controller. We schedule the second part in April, I get reel #7 rewound for $10, and I've GOT to get videotaping into my do-lists!!

3/23/93: THE POSSIBILITY OF RECOVERING HAPPINESS: At last, this morning, after numbers of Actualism sessions to clarify my mind, and after successfully transferring the Indexing Handbook text from TRS to IBM yesterday, and letting it sink in that PROBABLY with Arnold's $1500 loan and Mom's $3000 loan my financial condition will stop flowing downhill (out of pocket) and begin improving so that I'll HAVE money and be able to start paying off the two enormous debts, first to Spartacus of $9500, then to Mom of $23,000; at last I can conceive of reaching the point I'd reached a number of years ago: everything is either handled (lists of things I'd wanted to do) or being handled (indexes, current travels, engrossed in present projects like updating lists or finding books or improving storage areas or [EVEN!] throwing things out---like I'm considering the possibility of throwing OMNI out, now that Omni plus Scientific American is taking up SO much space, and I NEVER refer back to previous Omni issues), and new projects like writing a book or trying to find a purchaser or outlet for the Indexing Handbook flow NATURALLY into and out of my life, and I can feel long periods of ACCOMPLISHED HAPPINESS. Transfer the Gain novels today, start on the final file of SCRIPSVs, and I can actually move the OLD computer out of the living room and the new computer into a more comfortable place! With newly cleared free shelves, I can rearrange computer piles and indexing piles and handbook piles and DEAL with them! Then I can get to the SLIDES, and to the VIDEOS, and get ready to go OUT in the coming spring. What a glorious set of coming events and ACCOMPLISHMENTFUL HAPPINESS!

4/8/93: 2/4/93 top 20 films: 10 in three SERIES (in millions of dollars):
1) E.T. (1982)                     228 Top film of 92 Home Alone 2      102
2) Star Wars (1977)            193                 91 Terminator 2        112
3) Return of the Jedi (1983) 169                 90 Home Alone          140
4) Batman (1989)               150                 89 Batman                150
5) Empire Strikes Back (1980)  141             88 Rain Man               86
6) Home Alone (1990)           140                87 3 Men & a Baby      81
7) Ghostbusters (1984)         132                86 Top Gun                79
8) Jaws (1975)                     129                85 Back to Future      105
9) Raiders of Lost Ark (1981)  115               84 Ghostbusters        132
10)IndianaJones&LastCrusade89  115          83 Return of Jedi       169
11)Terminator 2 (1991)              112           82 E.T.                     228
12)IndianaJones&TempleoDoom84  109       81 RaidersofLostArk   115
13)Beverly Hills Cop (1984)            108       80 EmpireStrikesBack 141
14)Back to the Future (1985)          105       79 Kramer vs Kramer    59
15)Home Alone 2 (1992)                102        78 Grease                    96
16)Batman Returns (1992)             100        77 Star Wars              193
17)Ghost (1990)                             98         76 Rocky                     56
18)Grease (1978)                            96         75 Jaws                     129
19)Tootsie (1982)                            95         74 Blazing Saddles       47
20)Exorcist (1973)                           89        73 Exorcist                  89
                                                                 72 Godfather               86
Top 90s films:                                             71 Fiddler on Roof        38
Home Alone (90)           140                         70 Love Story              48
Terminator 2 (91)         112                          69 Butch Cassidy         45
Home Alone 2 (92)         102                         68 Graduate               44
Batman Returns (92)       100                        67 Jungle Book (Dis)   60
Ghost (90)                       98                         66 Hawaii                   15
                                                                  65 Sound of Music        79
Top 80s films:                                              64 Mary Poppins (Dis)   45
E.T. (82)                 228                               63 Cleopatra                26
Return of Jedi (83)       169                           62 HowTheWestWasWon20
Batman (89)               150                            61 101 Dalmations(Dis68
Empire Strikes Back (80)  141                       60 SwissFamilyRobns(D20
Ghostbusters (84)         132                         59 Ben-Hur                   36

Top 70s films:                                           58 South Pacific               17
Star Wars (77)            193                         57 BridgeOnRiverKwai      17
Jaws (75)                 129                           56 10 Commandments      43
Grease (78)               96                            55 Lady&TheTramp(Dis)    40
Exorcist (73)             89                             54 White Christmas          12
Godfather (72)            86                           53 Peter Pan (Dis)             37
                                                                52 This Is Cinerama          15
Top 60s films:                                            51 Quo Vadis                    11
Sound of Music (65)       79                         50 KingSolomon'sMines       6
101 Dalmations (61)       68                        49 Cinderella (Dis)             41
                                                                48 Red Shoes                     5
Top 50s films:                                            47 Welcome Stranger          6
10 Commandments (56)      43                    46 SongOfTheSouth(Dis      29
Lady and Tramp (55)       40                        45 Bells of St.Mary's            8
                                                                 44 Mom and Dad               16
Top 40s films:                                             43 This Is The Army            8
Bambi (42)                47                              42 Bambi (Dis)                 47
Fantasia (40)             41                              41 Sergeant York                6
                                                                 40 Fantasia (Dis)               41
Top 30s films:                                             39 Gone With The Wind     79
Gone With the Wind (39)   79                       38 Boys Town                     3
Snow White (37)           61                           37 Snow White (Dis)         61
Wizard of Oz (39)         4                              36 San Francisco                4
                                                                  33 King Kong                    4
Top 10s/20s films:                                        31 City Lights                   3
Birth of a Nation (15)    10                            30 Hell's Angels                 3
Big Parade (25)            5                              29 Broadway Melody           3
Ben-Hur (26)              4                               28 Singing Fool                  4
27 Wings 4; 26 Ben-Hur 5; 25 Big Parade 5; 24 Thief of Bagdad 3;
23 10 Commandments 4; 21 Way Down East 4; 18 Hearts of the World 4;
15 Birth of a Nation 10; 12 Paul J. Rainey's African Hunt 3

Notes from 1993 Twilight Zone Marathon
1. Burgess Meredith       All the Time in the World           Breaks glasses
2. Charles Bronson/Elizabeth Montgomery       Two            Last 2 find love
3.                        Eye of the Beholder                 Cute in ugly world
4. Cliff Robertson        The Dummy                           Exchanging faces
5. Jack Weston            Monsters on Maple St.               UFO did it
6. Robert Keith           The Masks                         Faces turn mask-ugly
7. Jack Klugman/Jonathan Winters  A Game of Pool              Play to stop best
8. Vera Miles             Mirror Image                        Doubles in bus stop
9. Steve Cochran          What You Need        Sourpuss killed in slick shoes
10.Joe Mantell  Nervous Man in a $4 Room      Mirror image switches & goes good
11.Robert Redford         Nothing in the Dark                Death takes old lady
12.Cloris Leachman        It's a Good Life      Little monster wants "happy" life
13.John Carradine         The Howling Man      Man frees "devil" from monastery
14.Barbara Nichols   22        Dream of Morgue in room 22; flight 22 crashes
15.James Daly        A Stop in Willoughby  "Restful" 1888 to Willoughby Funeral
16.James Best  Last Rites of Jeff Myrtlebank   Guy back from dead; maybe evil
17.Janice Rule      Nightmare Is a Child         Girl IS her; kills ma's killer
18.Joseph Schildkraut  The Trade-Ins  Youthed man changes back for old wife
19.Simon Oakland  Rip Van Winkle Caper  Gold thieves kill each other; gold MADE
20.John Hoyt/Jack Elam  Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? UFO in Venus-bar
21.Richard Haydn A Thing About Machines Machines do in Mr. Finchley:carKillsHim
22.Robert Lansing/Mariette Hartley  The Long Morrow  He ages;shesleepsLongTrip
23.Barry Nelson/Nancy Malone  Stopover in a Quiet Town  Put into alien'stoytown
24.Franchot Tone/Liam Sullivan  The Silence  Year of silence; cut vocal cords
25.Everett Sloane/Vivi Janiss   The Fever  Slot-machiner loses money and life
26.Dennis Weaver   Shadow Play  Killer "dreams" execution over and over
27.William Shatner/Patricia Breslin  Nick of Time  Fortune-telling captivates
28.Gladys Cooper  Night Call (dir. Jacques Tourneur) Fiance she killed phones
29.Mickey Rooney  Last Night of the Jockey  Disbarred jockey grows: too big
30.Lois Nettleton  Midnight Sun  Dreams falling to sun; really AWAY from sun
31.Anne Francis/Elizabeth Allen  After Hours  Mannequin on one-month leave
32.Inger Stevens  The Hitchhiker  Killed in auto accident; sees same hiker
33.William Shatner  Nightmare at 20,000 Feet  "Gremlin" wrecks plane engine
34.Richard Long/Suzy Parker  #12 Looks Just Like You  Girl hates beauty-change
35.John Hoyt   Lateness of the Hour  Automatic servants, and daughter, too
36.Lee Marvin  Steel  He poses as boxing-robot and loses
37.Billy Mummy/Lili Darvas  The Long-Distance Call  Dead grandma loses son2son
38.Claude Akins/Joe Maross   The Little People  Micropeople caused by giants
39.Telly Savalas (with hair)  Living Doll  Talking doll kills stepfather
40.Roddy MacDowell/Susan Oliva  People are alike all over  Astronaut into zoo
41.Dick York/June Patton  Penny for Your Thoughts  Mind-reader wins out in bank
42.Lloyd Bochner/Richard Kiel  To Serve Man  Alien's cookbook
43.Jack Warden/Jean Marsh  The Lonely  Convict must leave robot-girl lover
44.Agnes Morehead  The Invaders  Giant Morehead kills tiny US space-probe

Note from 3/16 list of things to do, all of which I DID!
0) Dennis---what time? Left Word (LW)
1) Phone Jose. LW.
2) Cancel MAN on Sunday
3) Xerox readings (I just multiply printed them!)
4) Forum at 3PM (and I DID see the four Eisenstein at the Film Forum!)
5) Sunday Times? (Tried, but just, at the end, IGNORED it)
6) Terry K.: 2/12 bill---at least I've gotten it by NOW
7) Kirstin: BUDGET for "discussion sections." GOT it but didn't NEED it.
8) Water plants
9) Phone Spartacus
10) Gym
11) Actualism session
12) Joe, choose a BEARD dinner, which he didn't do!
13) Clip toenails
14) Trim beard. And, again, CHEERS! I did them ALL!

Note from 3/17 list of things to do, and AGAIN I did them!
1) Bernice C: tape for Rolf?
2) Radiology, hand? NOTHING on x-ray. Can't TELL if rheumatic or osteo! For pain, take Motrin or Advil!
3) Jose, Sunday not? No.
4) Terry, Bill---these seem REPEATED!
5) Kevin, timing for Village Playwrights reading in two weeks, by 4/8 STILL not!
6) Call Feist at Roundabout for refund.
7) Make checks for bills!
8) Brooklyn Historical Society on Greenwood Cemetery free on Wednesdays
9) Film Forum for the LAST in a long time
10) Book sale at Gay Center for MORE books I don't really need to read.
11) Actualism for LAST class for a long time???

Note from 3/21 lists: THREE GOOD THINGS TODAY:  1) Mom WILL loan me $3000!
2) DID transfer files from TRS-IBM!         3) DID do 1/2 index in four hours!
TOMORROW: 1) Phone Beard for Thursday (and they DO let us COME on Thursday!)
2) Phone Ken; 3) Kristen: QUICK pay---but I didn't get it YET!; 4) Take GARBAGE out---and I've since cleared up the BAGS and taken out the PAPERS and the CARDBOARD!; 5) Order Prometrol at LEAST---and I did, but haven't gotten IT yet, either---call them tomorrow?? 6) Try NEW bulbs in Bedroom lamp, and it's OK!

Type 3/25 list---things ARE getting DONE!!
0) Dennis: New Yorkers: and I GOT them!
1) Teresa's: Music---and thankfully they say NO, they have their OWN!
2) Order Prometrol AND, and I mark that as done on 3/27.   3) Mail index!
4) Order diskettes: Court Street? (and I price them, but send by MAIL!)
5) Fenugreek seeds at Leaf and Bean---they never HEARD of them: Get at Perelandra!
6) GYM!
7) Kitchen LIGHT switch, and put in hopefully COOLER everlasting bulbs!
8) JACKET mended, must be Saturday, and I picked it up and it's---so-so!

Type 3/31 outline of self-awareness (Actualism) talk:
     A.India: Agni Yoga
     B.Hawaii: Kahunas
     C.Russell Schofield
     D.My history in it
II.Points of view
     A.Experience primary
     B."Reality" secondary
          1.It IS real
          2.It IS invented
          3.It CAN become real if properly experienced
          1.REVEAL falsenesses
          2.STRUCTURE them
III.White light has COLORS; spectrum has FREQUENCIES
          3.Generative healing
          4.Regenerative healing
          1.Cosmic Father
          2.Cosmic Mother
     G.HIGHER will of YOURS
IV.Experience WHITE light
     A.Upper room
     C.Downpour and fill
          1.CCW: elimination
          2.CW: assimilation
     B.Introductory course

Note from 4/6/93: Homogeniuses: Jack Lemmon on Whoopi: You get a bit into a part, and you get ENLIGHTENED, you know, peel another layer off? His climax? Making Whoopi.

4/9/93: 8:30AM: My computer "breakthrough"? 1) "Save" all my ASCII files now in \COMMO & \WP51 into \MY directory so list is ONLY my stuff not \WP programs and routines and not \COMMO old downloads. 2) Message: "How do I get RID of old *.ZIP files that unzipped to multiply named routines?" without unzipping each one AGAIN to find what the names of the files are? 3) Games: not "kill/kill" but some EXPLORING with BEAUTIES and great graphics---not monsters but ANGELS. Larry says he'll upload some Alice in Wonderland stuff for me.

4/10/93: \MY directory had to be \WP51\MY, and then in \COMMO I changed all the names EASILY to "1xxxxx" to put them all up FRONT. Maybe it'll work for a bit. Still to do a message to Larry about Paula L. and jobs! UP TO DATE!!

4/15/93: Finally finish my do-list from 4/7: 1) Call John S., 2) Throw out old indexes, 3) Read WP5.1 book, 4) Vacuum (THAT was the last one!), 5) Gym, 6) Type all notes (AND I'm doing it NOW, too!), 7) Put diskettes away, 8) Vitamin Trader--GOT order?, 9) BCUE, WHERE at 1PM? 10) Order diskettes.

4/17/93: Another lovely-to-do do-list: 1) Phone Rita about Mom (and can't NOW find the slip that I wrote notes on: Rita wouldn't mind if Mom were in a nursing home NEAR HER in Florida; if Mom's money runs out WE would pay for her; Mom doesn't want to talk about it but should find a place SHE would like to be in), 2) Gym, 3) Visit Teresa's for tomorrow's meeting, 4) MAN tonight, 5) Finish index, 6) Schedule VP time with Kevin, 7) Buy jug wine. And do all THAT on the day ITSELF. Feeling GREAT about getting things DONE.

4/21/93: WHERE AM I NOW?? Having "put away" the TRS, "caught up" with the tiny bit of indexing business so far in, and even done such things as vacuumed and tweezed the hair from my earlobes, I actually mentioned to Rolf the possibility of getting back to reviewing the South African tapes! But also DO want to work on some of the plays, since the Village Playwrights (VP) group DOES seem to do a pretty good job of getting things critiqued and LOTS of their people have their plays PRODUCED! Now with the fan installed on the 486 and the work-area set up, I can go on to OTHER things, INCLUDING enjoying NYC as I did yesterday: lunch from 1-4PM with Louise at Turkish Kitchen, then a lovely walk down West Broadway---where LOTS of the discount warehouses, bookshops, clothing stores, junkshops, galleries, and restaurants looked VERY appealing. Saw the semi-gay-porno of the Clive Barker paintings and drawings and the semi-gay-porno of the photography exhibit at the Leslie/Lohman gallery, and even bought niacin and vitamin E and Dent-Quel toothpaste and more proxibrushes AND the $10 equivalent of RUSH, which didn't work at ALL well, though the smell brought back lovely "high" memories, but the lack of FEELING with the orgasms is REALLY a problem. NOW I have to look forward to three days with Don O., six days of Mom, and four days of Delores and Michael---and as I confessed to Louise, I HOPE they're willing to tempt me with discounted travel plans to Madagascar, but I can't plan on it. John S. brought me a spare projector bulb, I've phoned Robert A. about taking the TRS, and now transcribing the last batch of notes and watching the last of the videotapes. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! Even though I have to PLAN when I can work QUIETLY in the apartment before the clompers come home upstairs, particularly painful for the two previous weeks when they seemed to be on VACATION from school! AND just got ANOTHER index from Terry at Springer: BLESS her for another 520-page book! Winning Minesweeper periodically is ALSO nice, though I should start SEPARATE LOGS of that activity, which I hope will let me cut down on it EVEN more. AND reconnect my Radio Shack printer for QUALITY!!

8/16/93: WHERE AM I NOW?? Last one of these about FOUR months ago!! Very much involved with PEOPLE during that period, as indicated, including Don M. and Charles M. DID get the old printer on-line, though it "doesn't do accents" in the same way the dot-matrix did: have to find out if WP5.1 can do the same "backspace-overprint" accents that SCRIPSIT did for the DWP-II---AND how to KEEP the DWP-II selected so I don't have to CHANGE it each time. So much involved in COMPUTER:
1) AmiPro sitting there for a MONTH and I haven't opened the packages yet.
2) So many complaints with MACREX:
     a. Needing to specify "accept Roman Numerals" in TWO places exemplifying
     the over-complex, ill-documented, multi-menued, hard-to-remember
     specification process-and I never DID get see and see also to work EXACTLY as     I wanted them to---always had to global search and replace in WP later.
     b. Not able to specify accents, requiring me to STILL keep a separate list, and it's a problem with WP5.1 (that I hope AmiPro can solve) that the
     accents are almost IMPOSSIBLE to recall without a cheat-sheet.
     c. STILL not having some kind of "buzzer" when it's saving, or KEEPING the   keystrokes WHILE it's saving (even better), so that I keep LOSING things.     that I ordered CINDEX, now ANOTHER program to learn.
3) KEEPS crashing, either a) because of the heat or b) because of lack of grounding, and I've GOT to take care of that soon!

Then there are all the OTHER things, in a kind of "don't-think-about" DO-list:
1) Schedule a physical and an eye-exam at HIP, after finding when LAST ones were
2) Phone Michael B. and Suzie M. and John C. and Valda W.
3) Update the video-to-rent list
4) Get rid of most of the (greatly reduced) stack of "stuff to be put away"
5) Finally tackle the LAST floor-stack: FILE index, CHECK computer, DO others
6) Get rid of old clothes both from drawers and from closets: need more ROOM!
7) Make a Commo/Minesweeper/Mahjongg play-hour sheet and transcribe past hours
8) Finally find the attachment to affix video camera to tripod for filming
9) Handle next steps in slides: stuff to John S., update show-files, SHOW!
10) ENJOY what's left of the summer before autumn puts clothes on sexy guys!

But think of all the things I DID: all the indexes ($10,055 in billing in five weeks of July and August, and two BIG bills coming up quick!); all the events with Paul C., with Ken L., with Bob B., with Charlie; all the TV tapes viewed; all the hours and hours and hours on Minesweeper and Mahjongg! And the STAMPS while Paul was here, finally getting rid of the box in the closet!

Yet there are still problems:
     1) Health isn't THAT spiffy: IS there some sort of summer-fungus-lethargy from unclean air conditioners? WILL my intensity of orgasm ever return?
     2) WHEN will I indulge in 1) Wall Street Sauna, 2) East Side Sauna, 3)new bars listed in HX and other magazines, 4) more of Tony, 5) the new guy from MAN?
     3) GET back to editing travel videos and slide shows

Although I have cleared spaces for new books-to-read (though now I have in mind to get rid of old OMNIs to make more space for continuing Scientific Americans), I STILL have to clear up the shelves from Antarctica and Galapagos and South Africa, making even MORE room for future expansions.

AND it feels good to get THIS out of my system---but then a new index-to-do JUST arrived with questions for me to ask about "em indications for indents"---and despite the noise it's good to have the daisy-wheel printer back in operation---but I MUST put the fan on the computer to see if THAT helps if the grounding DOESN'T solve the crashing problems---although autumn is coming and I didn't have those problems during the COOLER seasons. So: COMPUTER, STUFF, and SLIDES!

8/22/93: UNINCORPORATED BUSINESS TAX: 1) In the past, I'd heard about it a couple of ways: a) Some old EFA meeting on taxes mentioned it, but I seem to remember they said something about "not applying if the yearly rent you paid was under $8000," so I figured I didn't have to worry about it. b) When I went, one year, to a tax accountant, he came up with lots of unreasonable suggestions for things I should worry about, and I recall that UBT was probably one of them, but I had the idea "if they don't worry about my paying it, I'm not going to worry about paying it.” c) A number of years ago there was a terrifying article in the New York Times Magazine (which I may have saved?) about an author who made some incredible amount of money with his writing, and when New York State caught up with him, there was so much penalty, and payment, and hassle, and so many legal fees, that it cost him an enormous amount of money and he ended up moving to Florida. 2) Yesterday, just before leaving to meet Sherryl for a tour of Wall Street, I got a letter return-addressed "Finance/New York" from The City of New York Department of Finance, in Brooklyn, saying, "It appears that you have neglected to file appropriate New York City Unincorporated Business Tax returns." It gives a phone number to get forms and a phone number for a Telephone Information Unit. I mentioned it to Sherryl, but essentially forgot about it until later. 3) Last night about midnight I decided to get out the old tax forms and see what my income had been, determined by the "Gross business income less than $10,000" question 5.1 on the UBT-NF Questionnaire. At first I went by the 1040 income, which would have started me in 1980, but then it DID say "gross," so I went back to Schedule C and found $13,284 starting in 1977, with a total through 1992 of $456,927! (So clearly, this year, I passed the freelance half-million mark!) Went to bed so worried and depressed I took a Rohypnol to sleep at 1AM! 4) This early-morning, lying in bed between midnight and 1:30, I mulled over some possibilities: a) being so "innocent" that I just said nothing and let the law take its course, b) being so "crazed" that I lapsed into catatonia or insanity and ruined my life by being institutionalized, c) being so "assertive" that I ended up in jail, at least for contempt of court, where getting fucked would inoculate me with AIDS, which would make me a martyr for some indefinite "cause of personal self-determination," d) refusing all legal assistance. 5) When I woke at 9AM things seemed clearer: a) first I'd start a journal of my experience with the UBT, which I'm doing now at 10:34AM, b) then I'd check the book Take It Off to see if it rates a mention there. i) No entry under Unemployed Business Tax. ii) No mention under Ordinary Business Expenses except p.306 "Costs of resisting efforts to put the taxpayer out of business were deductible." iii) Under Taxes, p.356, "Taxes not described above which are paid or accrued within a taxable year in the process of carrying on a trade or business or an activity relating to expenses for the production of income are allowed as a deduction." iv) p.362: "An individual is permitted to deduct attorneys' fees in connection with his defense of the charge of tax evasion."  c) Now (10:50AM) check the New York Resident Income Tax booklet, i) see mention of UBT under Partnerships on p.3, but I'm not a partnership. ii) p.9 has a list of "Need Help" organizations and numbers. iii) p.10 talks about Form NYC-202 and says to "see Instructions for Form NYC-202" which section I can't find by paging through the entire booklet, and it's not even LISTED on IT-86 "Income Tax Forms Order Blank." iv) Not listed on p.6 "Other Forms You May Have to File." 6) Ken calls at 11:10 and suggests Antics brunch and Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. 7) Rolf suggests using a Florida mail-forwarding service to "move" from NYC!

9/5/93: 8:30AM: WHERE AM I NOW? Last night, I discovered how to use the WINDOWS \WHELP program to RUN the SCSI.HLP and NC\ACC-KB.HLP files, and then looked at some of the WINDOWS applications, including CARDFILE, that I could use to keep track of all my computer notes, and even, by enormous extension, my LIFE! Maybe that churned through my mind last night as I went to bed "early" at 12:15 after the crossword puzzles, so that when I woke, terribly early, at 4:45AM, it still occupied my mind. [Goodness why are all previous pages in BOLD, and I turn back and find a [BOLD] at the front of the NOTEBOOK, which I delete, and I guess there was never a [bold] to turn it OFF!] Lay thinking, thinking, thinking, and got up at 5:15 to wander the apartment, looking, and back to bed for a bit, but then decided to read the WINDOWS manual! Took a long time for my eyes to become accustomed to the bright reading light in the "library," and thumbed through a few of the sections, but QUICKLY got overwhelmed. My eye fell "by chance" on the dick book Time Out of Joint and I skimmed through that, and after about an hour put it down, lazy. I then felt sexy so I got up and watched the beginning of Tape P, magical because I'd been away from it for so long, and get wonderfully excited and get on the point of orgasm at 7:45 and finally cum at 8:15. As I lay, recuperating, thoughts AGAIN flashed/flushed through my mind and I decided to get up at 8:30 and write them DOWN: Maybe CARDFILE is the way to keep my Mahj-log (.LOG seems to have instant access to computer-time, which is good enough) and other files---maybe even a better way of reminding myself that my constant playing of GAMES is only a DEAD END, much like masturbation (and I'd noted before the similarity of my playing computer games to my masturbating), and I finally, really, have to LIVE! [Like, now it's 9AM and I'm STILL hungry, STILL haven't eaten, and STILL haven't recorded what I want to say!] Reminded of yesterday's wonderful A Perfect Ganesh's plea for "A Muse of Fire" to inspire me: RECORDING what I feel only helps SORT OUT what I'm feeling, channeling my efforts into doing something CONCRETE which WILL make me feel better. I only "spin my wheels" when I THINK in circles; WRITING the thoughts down helps me out of the thought-circles. When I list ALL that I want to do, what I want to do MOST pops to the top and I can DO it, having released myself from the thought-circles AND the recording of them. So I DO want to eat now (so I can have lunch before meeting Vicki and Joe, wherever that will be), and then sort through the pages to find WHICH I'll have to have User-Friendly scanned to get them IN, so I can get THAT off my mind! So, now at 9:05AM, let's EAT!!!

9/6/93: 9:55PM: MUST catch up with old notes, but it DOESN'T make sense to intersperse these, so I'll put them all HERE: So these are all notes from:

Note from 4/17/93: (this is what I COULDN'T find on page NOTEBOOK:4/17/93): Rita: "When she can't drive anymore." Mom's NOT into "take all my money and take care of me forever" places. Rita: She's HAD a living will for a couple of years. Rita has key to Mom's Akron safe-deposit box. Rita: "When she gets out of the hospital, find where she'd WANT to go." Rita: "If she runs out of money WE pay for her." Rita: "If she wants to be in a home or hospital in Florida, that's OK with ME. NO one in Akron would VISIT her there."

Note from 4/25/93: 2PM: "The Moment." "The Ineffable Moment." "The *(star)-Moment." Contact Leslie-Lohman: 1) STILLS from Bjorn videos shown WITHOUT credits? 2) Cum-shots PERMITTED? 3) VIDEO setup for clips? 4) Multi-format photos? and ENTER the "Gay-Art" show: PROCLAIMED as "Dirty old young-porno man searching for preservation of HIS lost moments."

Note from 4/25/93: New York Times Book Review: Jill Johnston in "Fictions of the Self": "the stories we tell ourselves about the past BECOME the past....the facts he remembers are the same, but his present-day interpretations are different....we can endlessly move [facts] around, make them do things, act on them, pitch them in different contexts."

Note from 5/10/93: Notes for Gay Men Together: NOT do: 1) Can you tell, without BLOCKING each nostril, WHICH nostril you're NOW breathing through? ALL part of awareness. 2) HOW do you heal a cut? HOW do you digest your food? YOU DON'T KNOW! 3) Why do you NOT cough in your SLEEP when you have a cold? 4) WHY do you SOMETIMES feel ENTERPRISING or HAPPY and CAN you control it? Would you LIKE to? 5) WHAT makes you find SOME "ugly" men SEXY and others NOT? Something FROM them that you DO perceive, but HOW are you AWARE of it? 6) Have you HAD, or TALKED to someone who KNOWS they've had, an out-of-body experience? 7) Practice: focus on ONE problem, or area of uncertainty, with white light and SEE if and how it clears up "one awareness unit."

Note from 9/6/93: 10:10PM, still copying OLD notes just to GET THEM DONE:

Note from 5/20/93: INTERNET QUESTIONS: Could I download 1) encyclopedias, 2) museum guides, 3) city guides, 4) travelogues, 5) movies, 6) US/world maps, 7) books from Internet to Bernoulli? COULD my "arthritis" be PREVIOUSLY undetected LYME Disease?? Curable? Sci-Am article!

Note from 6/17/93: Diagram for "Awareness" presentation: 1) In center inside: AWARENESS. 2) Unrolling top flaps, in order: physical, human, perceptual, emotional, mental, soul, angelic, archetypal, formless form, blank-for-folding.
3) Unrolling bottom flaps, in order: body, organs, cells, molecules, atomic, subatomic, free field, blank-for folding.
4) Opening right triptych: Akashic record: perceive PAST from "proper distance".
5) Opening left triptych: worm in time: space-time continuum: perceive FUTURE.
6) Folding in triptych wings to center: "Infinitely Connected."
7) Folding down top and up bottom flaps: "I/C."
8) Folding triptych "elbows" to center: "I SEE."

Note from 6/27/93: GAY PARADE: leave home 12:10, to Sundance 12:50; move at 2:50; end 5:30.

Note from 7/6/93: It finally happened:  eating BREAKFAST (Wheatena)
                               for  LUNCH (second meal of day; chicken4Bkfst
                                at  DINNERtime (6PM, after shopping).

Note from 7/12/93: Russian Tea Room for J.D. Wong: Margaret Whiting, Kaye Ballard, Julie Wilson, Rex Reed, Charles Busch, Paul Rudnick (author of Jeffrey), and at MY table were Jim Thompson(?), the manager of the Ballroom: Yma Sumac stayed at HIS duplex, and Arthur Bertold, who was the "older man" in Jeffrey before Minetta. And I MISSED Gina Lollabrigida in her Italian black suit!

Note from 8/6/93: From Ishi, Last of His Tribe: "Do not guess                (3)
                                         What the gods intend (5)
PERFECT HAIKU:                           By the dreams they send."(5)
And later there was a 4-6-6: Follow the way, and in the months to come, you will learn its meaning.

Note from 8/7/93: Gopi Krishna, enlightened at 34, 1975 interviews with John White in Zurich, talked about Ramana Maharshi and Ramakrishna. Talked with Lou Rogers in NYC in 1978. He died a number of years ago. Tape from Bob B.

Note from 8/26/93: Call Tony: Drugged voice: "Hello?"
Me (spritely): "Hi, this is Bob; you sound out of it."
Drugged voice (off): "Dad, it's Bob."

9/15/93: 8:10AM: Woke at 7AM (went to bed about 1:15AM so it's still early) with the memory of a GREAT dream [DREAMS:9/15/93], and lie there thinking that it would be a good play, and think about it until about 7:45, when I've added the realizations that I've FINISHED with the indexes I've had lined up for me for WEEKS, that there's NOTHING scheduled at next week's Village Playwrights, that I TOLD myself last night before going to sleep it would be nice if I could write a play for their Christmas show which would ACTUALLY GET ME STARTED as a playwright, and THIS MIGHT BE IT. Come up with the title Two Guys and the idea of calling the characters "Gay Guy" and "Straight Guy" because they're both ACTUALLY NAMED GUY, and it becomes self-referential to the point of their looking at their "room" on the stage and at FIRST deciding they should play to the BACK wall until one recalls that stage left and stage right are REVERSED from the point of view of the audience, so they turn to face the AUDIENCE! The POINT of the play is that we can all be MUCH more honest and direct with one another!

9/18/93: 8:10AM: Wake at 7AM (having gone to bed at 12:30, so I've been a while in the 6.5-7-hour sleeping pattern)---and maybe THIS is why I'm getting depressed in the evenings: I'm just TIRED!---feeling VERY sexy, and this is a nice antidote to my "down" at Wall Street Sauna yesterday. Jerk off VERY nicely until JUST before I cum, and then, as usual, whiz through it without FEELING it as much as I've done in the past [---and now this (maybe it's turnover zone, I'm thinking) screen-shift seems to be happening a lot even with an EXTRA space for the blank, and I really don't care for it---maybe it happened all the time but when I'm typing fast it just goes by SO fast that I don't even notice it before the next few letters---just verified that it happens ONLY when the last letter of the last word is PRECISELY at 79, so that the space at 80 "fills the screen" and when I "TYPE" the space, the screen SHIFTS to off-screen position 81---maybe it's in the nature of a bug? Anyway, how's that for following train-of-thought?---], adding to my list of "unhappinesses," and then, as usual, start to think about what I want to do today. First, though, record the fleeting dream so I won't forget it. Then decide to make a PHONE list to get THOSE off my mind, including John C., with whom I've been obsessing slightly ever since I put him on my "do list" [just as the Wall Street Sauna was the penultimate item on the 9/1 "Do (YES, AGAIN) LIST" (phoning for the tripod "tang," which I just transferred to TODAY's list, which means I can DISCARD that 9/1 list, which was: 1) USPS account from AARP to Choice Visa, and on 9/6 I searched and found I didn't have the address, so I have to wait for the next mailing and billing; 2) Porno into file cabinet, which I did on 9/1; 3) Omni into file, which I did on 9/1; 4) Exhaust Two Bridges videos, which I did on 9/4; 5) Enter "3 packets" of Dreams/Notebook/Compchro, which I did on 9/6; 6) What pages not on disk, which I found on 9/5, since phoned Stephanie to find she doesn't have a page-scanner, so it's still in some sense to handle; 7) Go to Wall Street Sauna, which I did 9/17; 8) Phone for tripod "tang," which I transferred to the NEW list on 9/18); and 9) Phone Jacques Marchais Museum, which I did on 9/2---so SEVEN of the nine I DID one-a-day, which was the "point/prod" of the list, and the eighth was done-at-last, to my distress at my unhappiness at Wall Street Sauna, and the ninth is on the NEW list, SO I CAN THROW AWAY THE OLD LIST!)] on 8/16, now over a MONTH ago, and from THAT list of 10 I still haven't done #6: Get rid of old clothes from drawers and closets, though it's moving UP in priority; the part of #2 that "DEMANDED" that I phone John C.; #9: the next steps in slides, of which at least a start is embodied on today's list #9; and #10, enjoying what's left of the summer, which is now too-late-to-accomplish, since it's been COOL (and I can at last turn off the computer-fan, which may have been contributing to the "crackles" I noticed in my lungs this morning as I recovered from jerking off) the past week. Now to record TODAY'S PHONE-LIST: 1) Susan: WP5.1 Header (and esc/help/F1 problems); 2) MAS [a computer-help website]: a) negatives on Panix and b) Matt (private) support subscription at $200?; 3) Abby B. (and Lina M.): Games group?; 4) Ken L.: Gracie Mansion tour?; 5) Sherryl: other tours?; 6) John C.; 7) Tony: didn't tell Mark you're "Angelo"; 8) Mary V.: a) how's it going and b) arthritis/chi-gong?; 9) John S.: REVIEW: you want MY slide replacing the one I CHOOSE of best? That "takes edge off" SAMPLE purposes?; 10) Stores: tripod "tang"; 11) Charles M.: Village Playwrights talk? THEN I got up, dressed warmly to counteract the real CHILL I got getting out of bed at 7:10AM in this "autumn," and came to the computer at 8:10AM. Now it's 8:45AM and I'm hardly INTO it! The AIM of this whole thing was my CONCLUSION: JUST TAKE THINGS AS THEY COME, doing them a step at a time, because they DO get done. And try NOT to be depressed about arthritis (maybe Mary or chi-gong can help), aging (only ATTITUDE can help), sexuality (when I'm hot, I'm hot; when I'm not, I'm not---try to find out a place where I CAN feel hot!), and things-to-do, since (with satisfaction I can now say) they DO get done, and now things coming TO be done is only part of the RICHNESS of life, which is to be TREASURED AND SAVORED, and not just "got rid of": these are the POINTS of life, not the BURDENS of life! ENJOY them!

9/21/93: 5:15PM: Having NOT looked forward to going to the dentist's today, at least it was a SESSION, without anesthesia, that stretched two hours, permitting him to say, "Your root canal is over, now just the post and cap are to be done." What a RELIEF. Then just print out the fourth copy (forthcoming!) of Two Guys for tonight, with some spare time. Phoned lots of people over the weekend, NOW have an index to do (and another to edit, when I get the previous edition's index tomorrow), and then I can get to OTHER things. Just wanted to get this out! Thumbs now HURTING when I type, though maybe it IS more connected to carpal tunnel syndrome than I might like to think. Still haven't talked to John C. or Mary V. Still haven't gotten more checks after the first which (DAMN!) only cleared today, which means I didn't send the money I COULD have sent to CHOICE Visa by 9/19, so I'll probably incur a finance charge this time! And the Band Played On and Liz Taylor Bio coming from Spartacus. Then to get MORE films to catch up AGAIN with Two Bridges Video. Then another gay place, to get into it, and maybe even Tony and Mark over on Thursday. Things WILL be getting done! Then Garnet Hill is NEXT WEEK! That's enough for now!

10/4/93: Note about how many writing/life synchronicities there have been:
1. TINY paperbacks for my science fiction/Book fair TINY books from Dover and more.
2. My aging book/Friedan's book review on Sunday.
3. My idea for books on diskette/Coover's articles and replies to Coover Sunday.
4. Should I try my idea for Castaneda's index AGAIN?
5. I read my Two Guys and then see the play about Richard and Tom.
6. My Indexing Handbook, but there are others, Wellisch's book, and Fetters'!
7. Sunday Tosca review, my seeing Saturday: it has OLD 3rd-act scene-change.
8. "You're wrong!" "Dream: don't BROADCAST!" [I don't know WHAT this means!]

10/20/93: NOW I'm worried about my HEALTH: having heard from Dr. L. THREE times now that my chi is low, and lastly that my spleen is weak, it might be only psychological, but it WOULD explain how reluctant I am to do anything CONSTRUCTIVE, but would rather just sit at the keyboard and play games. And I don't even have the energy to follow through with this thought, but SHOULD I be taking another AIDS test??? The weariness, the muscle and joint soreness, the listlessness, the lack of energy, the eyeball swelling, the mouth chancres, the aches might be that??