Any comments or questions about this site, please contact Bob Zolnerzak at





1993 continued

10/22/93: Feel myself sliding down some trough of frustrated [DREAMS:10/22/93] depression, and now wonder when I'll be able to say I HIT BOTTOM and started the turnaround for the way up. Thought it might have been Bernice's identity rescue, but I've gone lower since then. Thought it might be finishing the 9-tape stack of videos to watch, but yesterday's accomplishment of that didn't achieve the turnaround. Thought it might be the chi-gong introduction, but I frustrated myself additionally by not doing the exercise yesterday, and not starting my ginseng intake (other than the Siberian capsules) (and I certainly can't RELY on the guy saying he'd MAIL me the "two-sheet" slow-cooker cookbook), and spending a few hours on games which I can't even WIN quickly anymore, let alone transcribing (or setting up the tables to help with the transcription of) my game-hours for my self-recrimination. Sleeping more than (rather than less than) eight hours has helped SLIGHTLY, but the muscular and joint aches are still increasing, and the food intake has probably increased my weight beyond 190 again, and IS the specter of vegetarianism rearing its head more forcefully with thoughts of non-renewal for the James Beard, follow-through of chi-gong, and continued sliding until changing my diet will seem like a BENEFIT rather than a deprivation? And today there's a NEW time-consuming item added to my mental lists: finish reading the Casteneda and Chopra books to return them to the library on Tuesday. At least I've gone through the DREAM and NOTEBOOK entries for today AS I WANT THEM.

10/23/93: Make a chart of activity-priorities:  ME (health/well-being/happy)
   |                         |                        |                   |
 Work               People                    Computer               Apartment
(Money)          (Friends)                    (Learning)               (Files/space)
(Indexing)          (Lovers)                    (Writing)               (Cleanliness)

10/25/93: 9AM: 1) Humans not only "cross sections of pencil"
a) .  b)  o   c)   0--paint    d) O--eraser, but also SKEW sections comprising 98% paint, or only eraser, or lots of all components.
2) EACH LIFE is a "whole carrot" from rootlet at tip to full-top at top.
3) EMOTIONS are "orbits in objects" one for happiness, joy, fear, etc.
4) ULTIMATELY, ALL possibilities (n to the 80th) dimensions for each INFITRON, at each PLANCK-TIME, exist (so it's n to 80th to 80th to 80th!!).

10/26/93: WHERE AM I NOW? Bad: I've got a VERY sore throat, but I'm still ON!
Good: I've finally come up with a cumulative not-done list from the eleven do-lists during the last month and a half, I'm typing these pages, and I've got the do-stack down to "only" 116 items! Just DO and DO and DO some more!

10/27/93: Decide to incorporate all the past "do-list" listings RIGHT HERE:

List from 9/18: Phone: 1) Susan, 2) MAS: Panix negatives? 3) Abby: Games group? (and Lina and Blanche), 4) Ken: Gracie Mansion tour? 5) Sherryl: tours? 6) John C., 7) Tony, you didn't tell Mark you're "Angelo," 8) Mary V.: how's chi-gong and arthritis? 9) John S., WHAT did you want me to do? 10) Places for tripod "tang," 11) Charles: Village Playwrights talk?

List from 9/26: 1) Send Matt $100, 2) Call Suzie, 3) Try John C., 4) Mail Surgery, 5) Deposit checks, 6) Do "last" index, 7) Phone Lina/Abby, 8) Phone John S., 9) Gym, 10) Phone Mom.

List from 9/27: 1) Phone warehouse for tax forms, 2) Beard reservations, 3) YMHA tour, 4) Spartacus tix, 5) Trim beard, 6) Trim toenails, 7) Janet S., 8) Dr. L.: HEAP of stuff to do what with?, 9) Terry K., 10) Video to Garnet Hill?

List from 9/30: 1) Sofa stuff, 2) Dr. L. 11:30, 3) Video for Garnet Hill, 4) Ampersand trip logs, 5) Watch videotapes, 6) Booze for Garnet Hill, 7) Snacks for Garnet Hill, 8) Pack, 9) Tavern on Green at 7:30, 10) Gym, 11) Set up VCRs for week.

List from 10/6: 1) Ken: Beard, 2) Channel 13 Maria, 3) John C. returns after 11/2, 4) Mary V. returning 10/22, 5) Natalie J., 6) John A., 7)Dennis.

List from 10/7: 1) Add Porgy and Bess, 2) Water plants, 3) Deposit checks, 4) Beard for Dennis, 5) Why did MMB phone? 6) Gym, 7) George III, 8) Tape Charlie Rose repeat at 2PM, 9) HIP: flu shot, 10) L.: chi-gong? 11) Joe: save Marilyn review, 12) Charles, 13) Valda W., 14) BC: X-out? 15) BL: X-out? 16) Type cards, 17) Send for Cindex, 18) Mom: $4000 or not? 19) RCA taping ruined by camera wires? 20) Tape Death 3&4, 21) Pope: synchronicities, 22) Spartacus: I can pay you now? 23) Bob L., tape Life in the Theatre, 24) John S., 25) BC: What class night? Taping BRJ?? [DID 15 of the 25 THAT DAY!]

List from 10/8: 1) Wash dishes, 2) Dr. L., 3) Phone Terry on ISETL, 4) Phone for Edgardo's camp information, 5) Phone Tony: Mark talking? 6) Xerox 1040s and Schedule Cs, 7) Update book-get list, 8) Charles: SAGE tour? Gracie Mansion? 9) Type Garnet Hill travel page, 10) Type "sexy angels, peace" page, 11) Plan Africa slides for Sherryl, 12) Lina: Let me bring 10/31 stuff, 13) View 1993 Garnet Hill video, 14) Read up on George III, 15) Unpack, 16) Joe: WHICH opera?

10/28/93: Continuation of a SET of to-do cards, now mostly done:

List from 10/9: 1) Find MY video-holding of Tony's cumming.

List from 10/11: 1) Gym, 2) Terry: Index? 3) Pope: see And the Band Played On? 4) McGraw-Hill: previous checks, 5) Marilyn 6) Village Playwrights, 7) Library opens at 11:30, 8) Macrex a) A/B, b) italic, only?

List from10/13: 1) Bob L.: lunch and tape? 2) MMB: weekend plan? 3) Susan: lunch plan? 4) Vicki: tonight? 5) Library: 5PM, 6) Book-list, 7) Tony: 2 MAN dates?

List from 10/16: 1) Camera batteries, 2) Gym, 3) Judson books, 4) MMB: Weekend? 5) Mail film, 6) EFA job-phone, 7) Finish Radiology, 8) Watch tapes, 9) Xerox GH bill and send check, 10) Helen: tell Mom of "spending down" per Ohio laws? 11) Joe: Whoop-De-Doo? 12) WHAT Equus did I see before? [And I HAD seen movie!]

10/29/93: CUMULATIVE not-done list: 1) Get rid of old clothes from a) drawers, b) closets, 2) Next step in slides: stuff to John S., 3) Type cards, 4) Xerox 1040s and Schedule Cs, 5) Type Garnet-Hill travel page, 6) Type "sexy angels/peace" page, 7) Plan Africa slides for Sherryl, 8) View 1993 Garnet Hill video, 9) Find MY video-holding of Tony's cum, 10) Macrex a) A/B, b) italic, only? 11) Camera batteries.

10/30/93: SEXY ANGELS/PEACE. One night or morning around the beginning of this month, after I got back from the Adirondacks, I was doing an Actualism session in which I lingered at the Angelic level, thinking of the verbalization that "Angels rush in from all directions and dimensions to attend the session," and I think of what angels might be: at first genderless, but then not necessarily so: they might actually be archetypes of gender, having "more" gender rather than no gender at all. And my mind was enchanted by picturing hyper-masculine figures, larger than life-size, muscular without being super-pumped, clustering around me, attracted by my visualization, happy to be recognized in their more accustomed shape, tired of "toning down" their sexuality to appear to the more traditionally minded invocations. If, in fact, homosexuality is NOT a sin, and sexuality is positive rather than negative, why not have angelic orgies among angels of the same gender, positively affirming pansexuality rather than denying its pleasures and fruits? I dallied with these images, then remembered that one of the energies I had on was Michael: Peace Be Still, and I thought of the Warrior-Archangel Michael in diaphanous---better still transparent---best of all NO---garments, sword held phallically, attitude strong and yet vulnerable to the proper emotions, and felt that THIS was really an angel and an angelic being and level to get excited about. I thought of angels with capes of various colors corresponding to the energies, showing off their various capabilities as proudly as guys in jerk-off groups show off their tricks and cocks and costumes. This also fit with my stoned-consciousness when I'm jerking off that "hungry ghosts" are flocking around me (like in the "sex-layer" that Stack reported in his "Out-of-Body Adventures"), soaking up the tensions and pressures and nearnesses of the fabulous orgasm. Where HUMANS are so reluctant to talk about orgasms and the pleasures leading up to them, ANGELS should be freer: they wouldn't have ANY refractory periods, they would have facilities that would allow them to prolong the height of the orgasm-intensity indefinitely, and they'd also have insight into just what WOULD turn someone on, so that they could avoid what would turn someone off. I felt a vague stirring of pleasure in the session, and now I remember that Bruce introduced us to "kegels" (for which I can find no definitions in two dictionaries) as on page 33 of 101 Men's Health Secrets, saying that it's perfectly proper to add SEXUAL energy to our sessions, so why can't we add our sessions to our SEX! There were probably more lubricous details in my mind when I made the note to write this page, but when I started it some weeks later, my mind couldn't think of them, and even leaving this page partly finished for a few days didn't help, but now I'm determined to finish off the page in whatever manner possible: thinking of taking mental photographs of the angels in various orgy positions, having contests between angels of different nations (assuming they're not the SAME; SURELY they must be culture-specific!) for maximum sexual pleasure, delegating them to go out and excite like-minded practitioners at the same time, and EVEN try to recruit them to finding me someone on the OUTER who enjoys it as much as I do, AT THIS TIME (thinking of how much I'd have loved for John A. and me to get into it when we HAD our relationship, rather than finding out he's gotten interested in it AFTER we've been apart for years). Fabulous to think of these winged beings of light rushing around with swaying erections due to the pleasures they get in observing and helping FELLOW human beings. There could even be FEMALE angels for the FEMININE gender---I'm not exclusive---after all, half the angels are better than none! And WOULD Archangels have sex different from Angels---and how could the Cherubim and Seraphim have sex, since they don't have private parts, or is that also outmoded? For good measure, there could be sexless angels who would devote ALL their time to traditional angelic good works, not distracted by sexual impulses---though I have to resist thinking that DEFINES sexuality as distracting and "negative," rather than always positive, though I DO admit to a feeling of relief that I don't have to jerk off EVERY night anymore, though it would be nice to be able to do it with more FEELING now!!

11/1/93: Was going to put my Adirondack travel page HERE, but decide that I should have a TRAVEL file.

11/20/93: Earlier this week I woke with slight anal pain, and with the pattern of paranoia I've had recently, I thought I might have colon cancer and that my life might soon be over. After having gone laboriously through a do-list of almost two dozen items, having caught up with most things except the computer and things around the apartment like porno-discarding, slide-and-movie transfer to video, desk-drawer cleanout, scrapbook weeding, Galapagos-and-Africa video-edit, playwriting, computer learning and paper filing, bookshelf organizing, computer directory organizing, vacuuming---let's stop it at TEN---and having continued with chi-gong, it seemed like a CHEAT that I wouldn't be around for years and years to APPRECIATE my cleaned-up life. That threw me into a depression that lasted about an hour, until I (for the fiftieth time) concluded that one must LIVE MOMENT TO MOMENT! But how hard it is to KEEP to that, even when I read it again in Renault's The Persian Boy on page 192: "One must live as if it would be forever, and as if one might die each moment. Always both at once." Depressed about all that I was MISSING in NYC, but still elated at all I was DOING: going to plays, MAN, galleries, the Museum of Broadcasting, taking tours, going to restaurants and the Beard Foundation, buying things at discount, expanding computer capabilities, attending to health and dental matters---and it STILL boiled down to ENJOYING at the moment while LIVING as if I were preparing to live FOREVER. Even did an impossible index! Then, while watching America at the Movies (I'd even SEEN it in 1979, 14 years ago, and didn't remember it), many of the OTHER demanding salient points came to mind: how brainwashed we were as kids with the movies showing glorified heroism during wartime, with stirring music and tearful climaxes, funerals, and farewells, that made war seem POSITIVE, rather than the stupid killing and greed that it is. This recalls the general opera-plot with its glorification of "family" and "honor" and "pride" that would sacrifice a loved one to some "principle" that would offer cold comfort after the loved one had died. And of course all the thoughts of death (all the movie clips with Tony Perkins, now dead, making more poignant last night's chancing upon the Sondheim singing by Perkins in John Collier's Evening Primrose [which, when I look for it, I find as the FIRST story in the FIRST book, Presenting Moonshine, that I reach for]) and immortality are all bound up, presented clearly in the clips from Chaplin films: he had a happy and unhappy life, moment by moment, but he's immortalized in these film clips: I'd thought to be immortalized in writing or plays or novels, but now my direction seems to be along the lines of videotape or computerized writings on diskette---which will one day come together in computerized images on CD-ROM, and even video will be subsumed in computerization. I'd thought of making notes on what articles I choose to discard from my Scrapbook file as a way of "immortalizing" the interests I'd had in the past which were strong enough to induce me to clip out articles and photos for the Scrapbook in the first place. I could computerize the notes and underlinings I'd made in books which I retain on my shelves, before libraries as reference divisions are replaced by files available on the Internet and its successors. And if I videotape 8mm movie clips that I love, reel-to-reel music that I cherish, snapshots that are already fading, slides that won't last forever, video clips on tape that might eventually disintegrate, and edited versions of my travel videos, all of THAT will eventually be computerized, so I can, in megabytes, make my "Book of Life" that will be computerizably available long after my wet circuitry has dried and crumbled. And with Virtual Reality my arthritic body needn't physically travel to the Hermitage and the Louvre and the Prado: those images will be available, along with historical, artistic, and biographical notes, right at my computer terminal. From the world---the universe---to the microchip, and the whole thing is the random permutation of Conway's "Life"!

11/26/93: UBT summary: wanted to keep a CHRONICLE of this hassle, but checking back I find that I ONLY did NOTEBOOK:8/22/93! Somewhere I guess I have notes on how I finally telephoned and insisted that I was NOT a business, but only an independent freelancer, but the woman on the phone finally "resolved" the conversation by saying, "If you submit a Schedule C to the IRS, you're considered an Unincorporated Business by the City of New York." Since I'm not about to hire a lawyer to get me out of this, I decide to go along with her. Then I have to get the FORMS. Phoned once and left a message, but that didn't seem to do any good. Then phoned again and had to wait and wait to get someone, and then THEY said they didn't have anything from the past: I'd have to call the WAREHOUSE. Called them ONCE and they didn't send anything, and when I called back the number was actually OUT OF ORDER. The operator asked me if I wanted to give some sort of out-of-order report and I felt VERY angry that the City couldn't even keep up its PHONE services! Let it go a few days and finally got back to the warehouse, and even THEY didn't have the proper forms, but said I could use forms from OTHER YEARS for the years they didn't have the forms for. Filled out a trial sample and found that I'd owe a few hundred dollars each year, none for 1988 and 1989, but I still didn't have the instructions. When I finally got them, I couldn't UNDERSTAND them, and phoned the number given and AGAIN waited almost an hour for ANY response, and THEN they responded in a VERY curt, angry way: I had to phone one number for an interest rate, had to fill out lines that didn't make any sense to me, but at least they said that if my owed tax was less than $1000, I didn't have to have a form NYC-202 (or whatever) and didn't have to pay THAT penalty for not submitting an estimated tax. I'd also asked for forms for THIS year and didn't get any, and no ESTIMATED for 1993 forms, even though I sent off an RF-2, or something like that. I didn't want to telephone again because I didn't want to waste another hour waiting for them, to be told they didn't have the proper forms, or even if they SAID they'd send the forms, their record wasn't too good in the past. Finally, on 11/23, I got THREE forms that REALLY pissed me off: each said that I owed interest until 12/3, when I'd already PAID it, that I owed MORE of a penalty, even in EXCESS of the 25% that it seemed to stipulate on the back of the form, AND that I owed a penalty for not submitting an estimated tax! I could hardly sleep that night, AGAIN fuming over the impossibility of the situation: I DIDN'T want to spend ANOTHER hour trying to get in touch with them, it wasn't WORTH the $97 that they said I owed in addition, and I probably wouldn't understand their REASON anyway and have to pay REGARDLESS. I didn't want to get ANGRY because they just might use that as an excuse to bill me MORE! And I STILL hadn't found how to pay my estimated tax for 1993! (And maybe even being stupid for assuming that if I PAY for 1993-estimates what I PAID in 1992 that THAT would satisfy them, as it DOES satisfy the IRS---but it's already been clear that the City of New York doesn't have to follow the IRS rules---I guess they can tax us for ANYTHING THEY WANT TO, unless we get SO angry that we have to HIRE a lawyer to try to get us out of it.) Anyway, it fumed that night and I decided to PROTEST their billing me, STATE why I thought they were "illegally extorting" me, and ADD the check for the $460 and whatever that they said I owed in total for 1992 FOR 1993, AGAIN stating on the check what it was for, saying that they really aren't cooperating with me. That STILL might be enough reason for them to prosecute me, somehow, and that made me decide to write this page as a history of my attempts to DO what they wanted me to do WITHOUT much help from them at ALL, WITHOUT having to spend additional hours on the telephone. Maybe they're actually write something that MEANS something later: imagine NOT even quoting what LINE they were criticizing, just using terms that weren't even on the FORMS. If you can't fight City Hall, it SURE IS TEMPTING to try, except that I don't have the time OR the money to carry it off. They're essentially blackmailing us, and there's nothing much we can do about it, even to the extent of hoping that an explanation such as this would be of ANY help AT ALL!

Also on 11/26/93: TERMINAL-CANCER SPREE: Concerned about my seemingly permanently sore throat, my puzzling prostatic pains (though recently non-recurrent), my anal leaking at a MUCH earlier age than Mom reported: all these lead to thoughts that I might have some sort of cancer and the doctor will tell me that I only have a few months to live. What would I do? I certainly would lose interest in keeping NYC, NYS, and the IRS happy with their taxes! I surely wouldn't say that I want to do one last perfect index! Lots of filing activities in my apartment would be hollow, fruitless duties! I guess I'd cash in all my stocks and accounts and TRAVEL: phoning ahead for every-other-night meals in the best restaurants of France, Switzerland, and Germany---and maybe even England and Italy, and I'd reserve at some of the $200/night-minimum best-hotels in the world just to see what THEY were like, too. I suppose I'd TRY to get someone to come along with me (as well as visit Jean-Jacques and Edgardo and Paul in Paris and Milan and Florida), but that wouldn't be a priority either: though how would I get through SOLITARY meals in great restaurants, knowing it would be ABSOLUTELY THE LAST TIME in each of them (though it probably already HAS been my last time in Auberge du Pere Bise, Oustau de Baumaniere, La Tour D'Argent, among others)? I'd probably take to a lot more DRINKING, just to erase the thoughts of death. Then there'd probably be a lot of sex-buying: models to video and play with and try to excite. And then I'd have to put all my stuff onto cassettes that I'd want to "preserve" (though exactly why, I'd have to figure out): my plays to Kevin? THAT would be silly. Anything to Dennis: he has his OWN problems, and then the same would apply to Pope and Spartacus and Ken and Mom and John A. and everyone else, for that matter. Whatever I hadn't handled ALREADY would probably just NOT be handled. Would I keep a notebook of my final days? Probably yes, just as Mapplethorpe "deepened his photography" by posing for his last days, possibly my writing would become deeper with my impending doom. But my doom IS impending: I've ALREADY lived MORE than half my life, so my DOOM is now closer than my BEGINNING!  Would I have multiple copies of sheets like this printed up and thrown from dirigibles over Manhattan? Would I make up ANOTHER 125 packets of stuff and send them out to various literary agents? Would I try to enlist the Village Voice or some neighborhood paper to be the "journal of record" of my last days? But if I could do it in REALITY, I could just as easily SAY it was real and do it ANYWAY! And let a "miracle" rescue me from my death-date! I don't seem able to push John S. to more activity for my travel-slide showings. I don't seem able to push MYSELF into better edits of my video-travel material. And heaven knows I've started enough play scenarios without finishing them, and even now have conflicts when I've got to cancel a scheduled reading date at the Village Playwrights. I guess I'd try the baths more---but would they be even MORE depressing? More nights with Blade Thompson at the Show Palace? More plays? More operas? Well, maybe some Salzburg Operas or Deutsche Oper or Bastille Opera performances while I'm getting some good European food. More travel in the US or "expensive animal" travel? Probably not, since that was never a core interest: museums and people and restaurants and architecture and ruins in Europe was much more my thing, expanding into Asia a bit with St. Petersburg, but I guess even THAT'S still in Europe. Maybe the reconstructed Borobudur? Probably an actual look, however dangerous, at Angkor, at last. Then, when the end would ACTUALLY near, back to my apartment, however long as possible, and then to a hospital---or not, if I figured it really WAS the end: calling Dr. Kevorkian?? I suppose if it REALLY looked hopeless I WOULD opt out. Or if, like poor Stephen yesterday evening, it was increasing dementia. Goodbye to friends, acquaintances, books, tapes, and even this computer. Never to have known CD-ROM, or computer-edited and -enhanced videos or photos. Without money so that there'd be nothing to live WITH. And then the end, which for me now WOULD seem final: NOT really a hope of anything after---but WOULD I try to opt out with an LSD overdose a la Huxley? Maybe a lot more grass and lots of coke? Calling Hollywood Hospital?? Paging Ms. Kubler-Ross?? In the end, simply ME.

12/20/93: Catch up with LOTS of old NOTEBOOK jottings, AFTER 12/10 page:

Note from 11/11/93: WILFULLY DISCARD ad for NY Press Food Critic: it would take 2-3 visits PER WEEK to a restaurant to evaluate it, and I could MUCH BETTER spend those HOURS in other activities MORE DIRECTLY productive of a LUCRATIVE writing career: PLAYS, TRAVEL, JOURNALS, and even SLIDES and VIDEOS!

Note from 11/17/93: Added to NOTEBOOK:10/29/93 list: 12) Computer-tables for COMMO and WIN and MAHJ, 13) Handle Schwab "rights," 14) Figure Unemployed Business taxes, 15) Handle Shopper's Advantage, 16) Move "saved" cards from desktop to box, 17) Make CHART of ALL directories, 18) Try 57th Street "notions" shop for collar extenders, 19) Try TDF Saturday for Sunday BAM tickets, 20) See Zelda, starring Natasha Richardson, with Pope. And, keeping track of the Days Passed and the Items Done, I managed by 11/17 to take care of 20 items in 20 days, so the list is now DONE, and I felt GREAT about it!!

Note from 11/22/93: "DAD/PUP"
a) Old gray me talking to young blond (fat-assed) Andy at MAN.
b) Bill Lehrer's homophobic Christian's "90% of gays rim/fist/golden shower" while I (and many others) DISLIKE those activities.
c) Describing 1) They KISS? 2) They suck DEEP? 3) Perceptions of what others "want" that they really DON'T!
d) Cyrano theme: Not EXTERIOR but HEART matters in love.

Note from 12/5/93: PEOPLE: 1) John Lindsay at Abe Lincoln in Illinois, 2) Spaulding Gray trying to get into The Black Rider with 3) Robert Wilson pausing to look at me as if he might know me for some reason.

Note from 12/8/93: December 1993 OMNI story on page 72: "A brief, atavistic sensation as of...a rush of the sweet warmth of blood" leads me to wonder of the love of the STICKY warmth of CUM as echoing this atavism. Gay cock-sucking as CANNIBALISM!

Note from 12/10/93: "MINDSTORMS": A word which MUST be enunciated distinctly, or you convey "mine's torn," which it IS. The word is a pulsing purple with a putrid yellow slashed through, a rattle of gravel in the bottom of a bowl of mud, a smell of rancid clover-honey butter. 9:55AM: Typed a complete DREAM page for today [DREAMS:12/10/93], and I've done SO much, but there's still SO much left to do (like all of the 10 items in 11/20 at the top of NOTEBOOKS:11/20/93), and I feel SO unlike doing them, that I just want to find refuge in typing here. I HAVE gotten Rita's birthday/Christmas card/letter stamped and out to deliver today, I AM ready to order the $66 Delrina WINFAX OCR upgrade for trying to add past pages via my fax, I DO have the foreign Christmas-notes typed and ready for card-stuffing, I HAVE decided to restart going to the gym after a month off for sore-throat antibiotic/weak feelings, but I STILL FEEL DEPRESSED! Wish chi gong could start in some OFFICIAL way rather than just my keeping up with 20-minute exercises every day. Wish I could FIND someone to confide in: Dennis is insufferable with his insistence on "humor," Ken is too pickily boring, Joe too paranoid and now distant with no money since he's lost his job, Pope too bound in his own problems, Arnold too intolerant of others' complaints, Bob B. too poor and distant and negatively needy, and Jerry from MAN seems to HAVE a relationship. John seems an increasing possibility, but sexuality with him seems endlessly complicated. Simple READING was quite satisfying the other night when I finished the penultimate Renault book, and I'm certain that her restrained writing has "palled" my days to a tiny extent during the months I've "lived" with her "small solace" characters. And of course creative writing has been pushed so low on the priority list that it hardly ever gets done, while time-wasting with computer games occurs with dazzling regularity. At least Terry called with THREE jobs yesterday, a GREAT breakthrough, and maybe I WON'T have to borrow money from Spartacus to pay my mid-January estimated taxes, though I DO have to start worrying where my APRIL funds will be coming from, LET ALONE paying off the rest of my debt to Mom. But if the gym restores my PHYSICAL stamina, and the indexes restore my MENTAL agility, and chi gong can bolster my SPIRITUAL energies, things might be more productive in the future.

Note from 12/12/93: 10:30AM: EVEN ODD MEN
Cast: Bob (aging gay man)
Linda/Barbara/Jane (stressed mother of Ken)
Ken (21-year-old son of LBJ)
LBJ tries to get Bob in bed with Ken. Final scene: Ken knocks, Bob debates answering, finally Ken says, "Bob," and Bob opens door, looks up in silence, beckons Ken to enter. Curtain.              Noted later, after more thought:
Discuss "Even Steven": a) equal, b) "Even Steven does WHAT??", c) Even Steven: Put him in a Procrustean bed and make his limbs of equal length: get it! EVEN STEVEN!  Movie title: Odd Man Out, transformed into OLD Man Out.
Another movie title: Close Encounter a funny mis-take for BRIEF Encounter.
"Too cold" Act I: In car waiting for AAA.
"Too warm" Act II: LBJ's apartment.
"Just right" Act III: Bob's apartment [VERY SHORT]: Bob and LBJ speak on phone concerning Ken's impending visit and Bob's ambivalence about whole situation. 1PM: Dennis's story: Friend masturbates FIVE times in porno movie, takes it in his MOUTH, and CARRIES it to the subway. "Ask him for directions, and AAARGH!!" Reminds Dennis of MARVIN'S story of drinker getting sick out subway DOOR on waiting man, who's left dripping on platform as door closes and subway pulls away!

Note from 12/14/93: 1:30AM: Jerking off to porno "fantasy": MAGNIFY cum-shots to SEE HIV in sperm to TRACE INFECTION per anum of DEATH-giving fucks on film---REAL snuff films!!

Note from 12/16/93: I've got no one to talk to.  /   Why?   /   Everyone I've ever loved has died of AIDS.    /   Oh, I'm so sorry.     /   Sorry enough, to listen?    /     Of course, of course---tell me EVERYTHING!

Note from 12/18/93: Decide to list in a note my LAST BIG computer-LEARN do-list:
1) Internet and other bulletin-board acquisitions.
2) Cindex-learn.
3) Ami-Pro-learn.
4) TRS-to-IBM FINAL acts: a) PRINT Indexing Handbook, b) COMBINE Notebook/ Dream/Actualism ACROSS SCRIPSVs, c) REARRANGE all writing files.
5) Printer-balance with ribbons and inkers.
6) COMMO.ZIP use and organization.
7) Fax-modem and External-Fax integration.
8) OCR/FAX to import all previously written pages.
9) CD-ROM buy and learn and use.
10) All-list amalgamation.
11) Slide-video incorporation.
12) Expansion slot-------------------do ONE A MONTH during the year of 1994??

Note from 12/20/93: SUNDANCE names and faces:
1) TERRY: cute leader from New Jersey (with his lover)
2) RANDI: cute cyclist from Washington Place (with his roommate)
3) HOWARD: butch Antarctic-leader (with his co-leader/constant companion)
4) BOB B., his new friend Bill, and other people he knows there
5) Didn't get the name of the cutie who's been on LOTS of walk tours with us!

12/29/93: Notes from back of More Tales of the City from 12/23: "Lunch" at Stromboli Pizza; "dinner" at Pappa's Place. Notes from Peking Opera Blues from mistranslations: 1) toss (toast) him, 2) getting crowdy, 3) we'll be caughted, 4) Castrate? Is another punishment?, 5) I'm going to blow up (throw up), 6) Go to bad (bed) earlier, 7) You've not sleep yet?, 8) Don't be miserious (mysterious), 9) I must be a dumb (mime?), 10) Maybe we won't see (EACH OTHER??) again, 11) Pistol run out fire. [Later] Really have DETERMINED not to succumb to the games addiction for the next few weeks, after having played Taipei four hours Sunday night and almost seven hours on Monday! Sorted through clippings Monday, went through some book-sorts today, and got out the Keogh stuff to sort just before John left from using the computer. Also made lunch arrangements for tomorrow to take the cloud-slide to Bernice, for Susan next week, and for Lina M. this evening, which I have to leave for, now, at 5:05PM, another day WITHOUT computer games!