Any comments or questions about this site, please contact Bob Zolnerzak at






SATURDAY, 1/1/05: 7:32PM: Last pages of the LIFELIST through 2004 printing out, and half an hour until Fred's party starts, and I've no books to read because the library was closed Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I got out Open Water in a promo, pity because I'd liked to have seen any extras, and both parts of Kill Bill, which I'll watch tomorrow. Well, just want to print out SOMETHING so I can clear the last page and put that away NOW!

FRIDAY, 1/7/05: 10:50AM: ANOTHER coincidence, adding to the list that started Monday: 1) Phoned Paul M. about the trip-cancellation refund JUST as he was about to phone me about the trip-cancellation check deposited on his bed by his brother. 2) Phoned Fred L. about something just as he was thinking about phoning me about something. 3) Arranged for a test run at the Community Room at 140 Cadman Plaza West with Susan H. for 1:45PM Tuesday, but decided to go a bit early and as I exit the elevator here SHE is exiting the Community Room, where she stores her slide projector and extension cord, and I remark about my current string of coincidences. 4) Ask Ken about Stefanie S.'s possibly attending my 2PM Tuesday African-slides show, and he said she works, so probably not, but she'd appreciate being asked, anyway, so I say I'll call her, and then delay a bit leaving the Beard House about 10:30PM to take a pee, and descending the stairs at the subway station I see what looks to be a familiar top of head on a person ascending the stairs and say "Steff?" and it IS Steff, and I invite her, and she's pleased, but has to say no as she's taken up with her family these two weeks, and will be leaving for a week soon, so she won't have the time, but the coincidences are striking.

SATURDAY, 1/15/05: 9:30AM: Finish Wright's (silly) The Golden Transcendence and count that I read 57 books during 2004, more than one a week even though I didn't start until May or June, and already finished 4 books THIS year, in the first two weeks. Noted that the book was ridiculously complex while keeping too many "story elements" to be believable: with INFINITE energy, you don't have NEED, so why battle? With immortality and copying, why have conflict: just do EVERYTHING in EVERY form and still have an infinity of time left to enjoy life: no need for a ridiculous "War needed to allow the enjoyment of peace" mentality, as Wright has. With infinite space and infinite worlds, each individual can create his (in future there need only be ONE gender!) empire to his taste with all friends and challenges and minions self-created for his own pleasure---while each "under" component ALSO shares the pleasure of being the "top" component in his OWN universe. And as MANY of each is desired, since space and time and resources are all truly INFINITE! Although in reality NONE of these is ACTUALLY infinite, only APPARENTLY infinite: to say hello to everyone for one second for as long as you like will never actually GET to infinity, but will be so large as to be EFFECTIVELY infinity. Everything just goes ON and ON, without END, but since it didn't start in the infinite PAST, it's only "toward-infinite" in the future, Cantor's first set of infinity? So "purpose" is just "to be." All conflict, unfulfilled desire, or any semantic formulation of incompleteness simply DOESN'T EXIST; while every semantic formulation for completeness: happy, content, fulfilled, complete---DOES exist, for ALL TIME INTO THE FUTURE. Each can experience each quantum-event for every Planck-length-of-space in every Planck-length-of-time, in any time-expanded simulation necessary, EVERYONE experiences EVERYTHING! What more can there be?? As for me, my book-list will eventually be exhausted, I'll be once more anxious before a trip, I'll finally organize my apartment, and my journals, and my website, and my videotapes; I'll vacuum and shop for groceries and eat at my restaurants and go to my museums and eventually see The Way of All Flesh with Jannings and read Love in Time by Wyndham, and still have things to do and places to go and people to talk to and porno to watch and notes to take and pages to type and print out and meals to eat, and recognize again the pleasure of typing this last line of words on this page.

THURSDAY, 1/20/05: 8:49AM: Lie thinking about a new "Be-Do-Have" organization to my life, then get up to piss and shit and wonder what a "W/D in the apt!" could be. Type two dreams [DREAMS:1/20/05] and start this before having breakfast, going to the gym, picking up pills and groceries at last before meeting Sherryl at the Guggenheim for the Aztec exhibit (which seems to be planned for the WRONG, BUSIEST-in-a-long-time day) at 1PM and seeing the dermatologist on Nostrand at 5:20PM. Then part of the 8-hour Presidents series on HIST. Finally finished piling the slides into the former under-sink cabinet, but have yet to update and finally COUNT all the slides in my collection, amalgamated in one grand list. And should have done the Web Services index before this, for his rush.

FRIDAY, 1/21/05: 2:55PM: COLD!!!

SATURDAY, 1/22/05: 5:10PM: COURSES at Masa, yesterday, with Ken, for $482.35!
98% from Japan: 1) Mashed tuna and Iranian caviar; 2) Uni risotto with black truffles, and LOTS of them; 3) Fugu four-ways: liver, flesh, wrinkled organ, other flesh, in lava-shaped ceramic, with gold on top; 4) Deep-fried fugu, from which I saved a bone; 5) Grouper/foie gras shabu-shabu, with delicious soup; 6) Miso soup, much like previous dish; then began the Sashimi courses: 7) "No translation" fish; 8) Cloudlike first ethereal toro; 9) Lean, bright red toro; 10) Cooked toro; 11) Cooked eel; 12) Probably raw eel; 13) Needlefish, scarred for tenderness; 14) Mackerel-like; 15) Mashed sea urchin on rice roll, rather uggy; 16) Squid 1, arm-round; 17) Squid 2, tentacles; 18) Shrimp with stripes; 19) Smaller shrimp without stripes; 20) HUGE toro rolls in nori, of which I had THREE!; 21) Yellowfin tuna; 22) Clam in nori roll; 23) Clam on rice; 24) Redder clam on rice; 25) Scallop raw; 26) Scallop cooked; 27) Marinated radish; 28) Sea-salt [sic] leaf and filling; 29) Grapefruit granité; 30) Soba (buckwheat, and he DOES sleep on a husk-pillow) tea; all of these with soy, ginger, wasabi, always fresh-ground. And not one but TWO bottles of $25 light and delicious Mineno Hakubai sake, in wonderful ceramic bamboo-segment. Service from rear for first, then from maker for sashimi, Ken getting a half-portion when he said he was stuffed at the end, me getting a portion and a half, and another left-over piece of the wonderful cooked eel. Altogether marvelous, never-to-be-forgotten, never-to-be-repeated experience!

SUNDAY, 2/6/05: 9:25AM: Just finish capturing an elusive fragment of a dream on DREAMS:2/6/05, and sit in bathrobe at computer with a NEW thought of something to do today: 1) look through the DISCARDED Mexico slides to possibly add a coda to my somewhat-slight 161-slide show for Tuesday, and maybe 2) look through the BOXES of discarded South Africa slides to get RID of half of them, and maybe make up a coda-show of the best of what's LEFT! But then I could also 3) hook up "my" (now that John's given it to me for the first time) scanner and see how the untypable pages might fit into my pages website; OR 4) start transferring the behind-mirrors Italian and French travel stuff to the top shelves vacated by the boxes of slides; AS WELL AS 5) finish proofreading the last of John's pages for this month, which have gone BEYOND DIARY pages now, and 6) sort out the last of the journal pages and number and count the non-DIARY-numbered pages at last. Maybe THAT can take me away from my current excessive Spider playing, boredom, and worry about Thursday's dental appointment (took two Ibuprofen last night for the first TOOTHACHE in ages, also hoping to relieve the arthritis/bursitis right-shoulder pain with it), and even starting to anticipate starting to anticipate the Ireland flights! But at 9:30AM I'm ALMOST at the bottom of the page, so summarize the crowded, noisy, pot-smoking Pink Floyd Laser Show at the Beacon last night, from 8:15-8:55 and 9:20-10:13, 93 minutes for $25 CHEAPEST seats, bits of "Dark Side of Wizard of Oz" and "The Wall," and other songs, not that great, and I changed my mind to agree to Ken's ordering the new solo-performer hit which of course is sold out after everyone RAVED about it. Also gym and plant watering!

MONDAY, 2/7/05: 7:37AM took Viagra #12, finishing the prescription that was to be DISCARDED after 7/22/03(!) (maybe that's why it wasn't very effective?), and came, but only just, getting sadder and sadder.

SUNDAY, 2/13/05: 3:47PM: Feel almost dissociated in my laziness, and perhaps my relief at surviving my root canal yesterday between 12:45 and 1:45PM. Got up this morning feeling rather horny, and came, then finished the Times, recorded Ebert (which I watched just before noon while having oatmeal for breakfast), then, entranced by the (WHO?) (Kevin Bacon!) actor-like smiling goodbody with the magnificently upcurved erection, came a SECOND time (with emission) and then settled in to read more of Iceland's Bell, then HAD to do something constructive, so I raised the blinds and started this. Oh, and Susan called, saying she'd arrive here between 3 and 4 on Thursday afternoon, saying she'd like to see the slides, allowed me to leave for dinner at Iron Chef if she were late, and she'd come over to pick me up for entry, and looking forward to the Academy Awards, the Gates, and our restaurant. Now feel like shitting, so I'll put away the porno and flush down the second smelly bidi-ashtray contents. AND send the fax by 4:10PM, having "done my duty" for today!

MONDAY, 2/21/05: 9:55AM: Disappointed to find that today's a holiday (Presidents' Day) because I can't 1) return my library books, 2) phone Schwab about how to report the "proceeds" reported by them to the IRS, and 3) check where my 1/10 Springer-Verlag bill is. Maybe I'll go to the Web now.

FRIDAY, 2/25/05: Look out the window and transcribe this (thought-out) note: The cloud was a great clump of axillary hair thrown up onto the blue sky.

SUNDAY, 2/27/05: 8AM: Just an AGONY of frustration and anxiety before I get up this morning, the results of a dream (see DREAMS:2/27/05), and frustration with Susan here cutting in on my privacy, disappointments with the opera, the last Beard, the dance on Sunday, even my dulled appreciation of the Tibet Museum yesterday before MAN, and even the first faint apprehension about the trip to Ireland that starts in just a few weeks! More medication? Therapy? Actualism?

TUESDAY, 3/1/05: 7:38AM: Really LOSING it! First, I lost two games to Susan in Scrabble last night, hardly typical. Then I still remember my horror of a few days ago when I saw the plug out for the broiler-oven and figured Susan had pulled it out to try to plug in her hair dryer, and put the plug in, only to have Susan pass the kitchen about ten minutes later and ask, "Do you have the oven on?" And she smelled the broiler! So I shamefacedly explained it to her and pulled the plug! Then yesterday I balanced (with difficulty, since I had ADDED John's $700 check rather than SUBTRACTED it!) my checking account but FORGOT to note to where the statement DID balance AND forgot to subtract the account-balancing amount from the previous month! Also forgot to mark that we'd had dinner last night at Iron Chef, and marked a note to myself to add cash to my wallet, since I have to pay for the film and for lunch out, probably, today, and have only about $30 in my wallet in all! So I catch up with all of that and feel better, but then remember I hadn't recorded my Actualism this morning, first since 2/19, when Susan was here a day. Look out onto the tree branches frozen from the snowstorm, sidewalks fairly clear, streets flowing easily, but very gray and the Witnesses' temperature isn't working. Get out the AARP Dental Insurance Plan to take to Dr. D. to see if she could reduce her prices in any way, though I'm sure Dr. G. isn't on the plan, and still haven't filled out the insurance form whose duplicate I got from Ken last Friday, though I DID change to the March calendar before going to bed last night at 11PM, exhausted for no good reason except sugar shock from the dulce de leche hot-fudge sundae we had before the Scrabble game after Iron Chef last night. Caught up and print now at 7:54AM!

THURSDAY, 3/3/05: 9:55AM: Truly extraordinary meal last night, courtesy of Susan's encountering Michael Anthony in Shannon when their plane was delayed overnight there: subway to Grand Central (via 7th Avenue and the Shuttle, so she wouldn't have to endure the "Nairobi Express" of the #4 line, where someone blew on her neck and laughed aloud at her a few days ago) and $9.50 round trip to Tarrytown on Metro North past a clouded Hudson River to the station at 4:30 and take a $10-with-tip taxi to the Blue Hill at Stone Barns drop-off point in the bright white snow before wonderfully architectonic stone barns now converted to (closed) demonstration centers, and wander through the courtyard to see who turns out to be the maitre d' coming out of a service door through which we go into a bare lobby outside the kitchen, where she gingerly opens the ajar door to find Michael Anthony passing by right at that moment. He hugs and kisses her, is delighted to be introduced to me, and if I didn't know he was ex-married and now-dating a woman, I'd be hoping he would be of the available class. Totally charming as he stands in the 30° cold outside in his whites, hands folded into his arms, pointing out the silos which might contain elevators in the future to conduct diners to an upstairs-in-the-hay-barn future area, saying that we could get a sweeping view of the Hudson if we climbed Buttermilk Hill but that the roads were probably still snowy, and suggested we go down past the parking lot to the greenhouses. When he asked if we had any time constraints, I said we had until breakfast, and he said he'd call us into the kitchen after we finish, so we wouldn't see it now in its "messy" state. We walked down the road toward the pinkening horizon to see Boris the Boar humping what looked like the wrong end of one of his harem gilts (female pigs that haven't yet given birth), and about a dozen piglets squeezing each other out from the grain-filled trough around which various runts scurried to get their snouts in, chastised by Susan when they got too rough with each other. We later found that the strange open-book-looking objects they fed on were discarded "papillon" dinner rolls. The greenhouses had row on row of tiny (some no more than microscopic) plants, mostly lettuces which I sampled freely, but also red and golden beets, turnips, radishes, chard, kale, parsley, and leeks. Back to the courtyard to find the café closed, so we checked our coats and looked at the (real) fire in the fireplace and got seated early to choose the tasting of wines from Robert, very attentive, and started with a narrow flute of sweet parsnip soup, starting a cascade of eight courses, after two or three amuse-bouches, each with its own wine, some better than others, along with a selection of neighboring duos, to whom a taller waiter explained in extraordinary detail the possibilities of ordering a la carte, though I forgot to take a look at the regular menu. Requested a copy of OUR menu, and after a few minutes at the end were presented with PRINTED copies of our courses, though sadly not with the names of the wines, which ranged from tasty to Geritol and prune juice, per Susan. Michael presented us with an "extra" skate-wing course, and Robert actually checked with us before the pig entree if we wanted ANOTHER course, to which we reluctantly admitted we were pretty far from being able to do justice to, but then I had the happy thought of a sorbet palate cleanser and he quickly came out with a marvelous grapefruit sorbet over a five-citrus-fruit coulis, bettered only by the first dessert: a yogurt sorbet in a spiced-apple soup that was simply heaven with its yogurt-bitter tang colliding with the sweetness and spice of the apple-based consomme. Susan donated a hunk of her pig to my refrigerator, but I managed to get down most of the veal-smooth loin chop with maple-syrup sausage and belly-bacon cube. Susan quoted Ken's "Bloat" and I could only finish with three or four of the chocolate-dusted almonds, along with three tiny cups of lemon-myrtle tea, each with two little cubes of rock sugar. Taxi back to just miss the 9:39 train, but sit in the heated room on the platform for the 10:12 train to Grand Central at 11 and home at 11:30 to eliminate some of dinner somewhat explosively before falling into bed and sleeping soundly until a further elimination at 7:30 still full from the meal.

MONDAY, 3/14/05: 9:04AM: Had hoped that Effexor, which I started taking last Tuesday morning, would ease my preparation for the Ireland trip, but it just seems to get WORSE: a CONSTANT feeling of anxiety, irritability, and PANIC!! Thought of getting back to Dr. J., but then looked at the prescription-form for Effexor and see that it was MEANT to treat anxiety, for which Dr. C. prescribed it to me, and found that he's in today early, so I phoned and made a 12:15 appointment to see if I can't try something ELSE which might be faster acting and more effective. I can get absorbed in a book (Turtledove's The Case of the Toxic Spell Dump), but every so often a sentence will hit me and my feelings of frustration and panic will return. I can watch a good movie (Black Pirate yesterday with Sherryl in Technicolor) but get drawn out periodically with thoughts of the upcoming flight and trip. I have the feeling my system must be FLOODED with adrenalin for fight or flight (flight AWAY from the trip, just not TAKE it, rather than the flight in the airplane), my blood pressure might be sky-high, my breathing shallow so that I have to take deep sighs for breath periodically, and my SHORTNESS OF TEMPER makes me difficult to be with on ANY level. Fred, thank goodness, understands this and lets me tap away at my AlphaSmart or work on my puzzles before and during a flight, not tempted to engage me in "light" conversation. Of COURSE it's fine once I get there and start enjoying the trip, but then quickly the panic attack for the RETURN flight starts to make even the thought of possibly enjoying the meal at Taillevent the night before we fly back to New York from Paris quite unthinkable. Sure, I'm usually able to grit my teeth and restrain my anxiety and appear to be ALMOST normal to friends who don't want to be bombarded by my mental illness, but I fear my tolerances are growing LESS, with age, than more. The fact that I don't have any current work means I can't lose myself in THAT, either. The thought passes through my mind: maybe I could get back to stamps for a week! But I fear that the nature of it (foreign places, places I've been or want to go, to FLY to and from) might not help with my current state. Well, just updated my credit-card expiration date on the phone with MetroCard, and now I'll get to breakfast at 9:20. 12:45PM: Called C. and got an emergency appointment at 12:15, got there at 12:13 and was seen by 12:20, and put in my prescription for 30 Valium but, being controlled, they refused to let me have even ONE! Pick it up at 3PM, they said. I complained about a constant panic attack, dry mouth, anxiety, and probably high blood pressure, which he measured to find at 140/90, one of the higher readings, but he said it'd probably go down after the flight, to which I agreed wholeheartedly. I told him about Susan's "Wish I could just close my eyes and BE there," which I wished for, too, and my thoughts to just CANCEL the trip! Back to get a call from Mildred, whom I'd been planning to call to ask for sympathy for my needing Valium: "I'm a grown-up at last!" Slipped a note to Spartacus under Bob L.'s door  saying I'm home, come collect your comb case. Mildred's line has been busy for the last ten minutes. Feel a LITTLE relief at the mere thought that medical relief MIGHT be a few days away; he said he'd prescribe two per day, I could take three if needed, though it would still take a few days to kick in, "But you should be OK to enjoy your flight." Let's hope so! 5:15PM: Talked to Mildred; talked to Marj; picked up Valium for $3.97(!) and got groceries; Spartacus didn't come over; watched the last chapter I have (from end-January, so there are probably more on an unfinalized DVD, perversely, which I might have to go to Spartacus's to watch) of Carnivale, perversely interesting; and with nothing more to do except look at the mail (no magazines yet today), I come back to finish off this page and get back to Spider, which has gotten back up to 46.856%, leaving me hopeful that I might break that magical 47% mark that I broke already, and hoping that the Valium will take effect after I take the last Effexor tomorrow morning to ease the two-day onset of Valium. Then tomorrow are the African slides for a good group, and then the Board-election results on Wednesday, D. on Thursday followed by the Beard, and then MAN on Saturday, and then the trip Monday!!

FRIDAY, 3/18/05: 10:50AM: Woke with a dream that I wanted to record, and a sore throat, and put on the monitor to find no picture! Try again and again and finally try the old computer, which lights up the monitor, and then realize that my new computer is TURNED OFF, and I can't for the life of me figure how THAT could have happened! Reminds me that I came back after turning off the projector to cool it off when Shelley left on Tuesday night while I was showing the African slides to five others, and when I turned it back on the light was OFF, and even when I replaced the bulb, the light STILL remained off, so that I had Stephanie transfer the remaining 72 slides to a straight tray while substituting my old projector for the new, and then I took both bulbs to Bruno's yesterday to see if they were still working, and the guy said both bulbs looked good and gave me the address at 303 Court Street for a place that could repair my projector. Something strange going on with the electricity in my apartment? Could my Valium prescription be fouling up my mind so much that I'm jinxing my apartment's currents? Well, time to have breakfast and get to the most time-consuming item (aside from doing the 232-page index, which will probably only take 5 hours, so it will STILL be less than the time I spend at the Met) on my do-before-Ireland list: seeing the Metropolitan Museum for exhibits which will close by the time I get back from Ireland.

SATURDAY, 3/19/05: 9:45AM: Valium lends such an air of unreality to my non-anticipation of my trip, it's like leading another life: I keep touching the sore of "about to travel" and thinking, "It's amazing that I can just lead a NORMAL life just two days before taking off on a trip, and there's nothing SPECIAL about it: no fears, no counting of meals and hours and tasks to do (though there are a lot of little things I have to do, like go to the Metropolitan Museum yesterday and pick up on the Surrealism exhibit at the National Academy also, and picking up two videotapes and watching one commentary on the totally mediocre (with unconvincing and tepid acting, as if they KNEW they weren't looking at anything spectacular, and it turned out to NOT be that spectacular) Sky Captain with absolutely NO chemistry between Jude Law and Gwenyth Paltrow, and yet have another commentary to get through today before going into the maybe THREE cycles of the over-two-hour Troy with a hopefully more sexy Brad Pitt than the totally nebbishy Jude Law. And lots of little things about film and videotapes and batteries, not to mention the 232-page index to do, and going to the gym today, not to mention packing, though it is only for two weeks with a totally marked-out itinerary, and just hope the weather gets warmer than the 30s we've been having this week. Typing this having JUST gotten out of bed after another 8 hours of totally zonked sleep, not even getting up to go to the john, despite (or in my theory, because of) having drunk TWO glasses of water before going to sleep, and then having to check with John to water the plants, and don't even know if Bob L. will be in condition to pick up my mail, though if Spartacus is picking up HIS, he might as well pick up mine, too. And I still have TWELVE items on my check-list to take care of before the trip, though none of them (except the index) take more than half an hour each. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the rest of my life could be spent up to the FINAL DAY OF A TRIP living a normal life, enjoying eating and sleeping and preparations and just plain EXISTING without counting out hours and meals and tasks to be performed, and not thinking about not sleeping on the plane (since I slept through about 15 minutes of Sky Captain last night with no trouble at all, maybe Valium will help with SLEEPING on the plane also, which WOULD be true heaven, and I'm happy to see that I had hardly any trouble getting to the end of this rather long page without struggling to think of how to fill out the space before typing it out, then shitting, and watching TV, and having breakfast, and getting rid of the three main meat-meals in the three days left before the trip without having anything rot in the refrigerator in my two weeks away. YAY! TRAVEL:IRELAND

MONDAY, 4/11/05: 1:30PM: Most that happened since March 19 is in IRELAND trip journal, but, to that filled page 22, I added more items to my "first dozen" list of 4/8: 20) Did I GET $400 "owner's check," (but P. says Mitchell-Lama "owners" don't qualify); 21) Mail taxes on 4/15, since I finished them on 4/10; 22) Check TDF billing (which will be refunded, she says, after I send he an e-mail); 23) Check travel insurance amount (which she says SHOULD be $525, so I'll just LEAVE it at that!); and 24) Check Beard 1/28 billing, which turned out to be $90 for a meal LISTED in the Bulletin as $100, so whoever did what to whom, I really don't care. So by now I've done 15 of the "first dozen" and the "added dozen," so I can come up with a "SECOND DOZEN" list: 1) Do Fashion index, 2) Do Audition index, 3) Get answer from Charles on Antarctica, 4) Fix RCA camcorder, 5) Fix Kodak projector, 6) Order 4/16 prescription, 7) Re-order Valium, 8) Order film/mailers from B&H, and 9) Mail taxes on 4/15. OBVIOUSLY I should put more pressure on 4) and 5) if I'm to SUCCEED in time!

TUESDAY, 4/12/05: 9:30PM: I really am feeling OLD! Sleep too long and still feel tired when I get up; walk up a few flights of stairs and feel out of breath; find myself sighing deeply in the middle of the most mundane tasks; don't feel as AMUSING or JOKEY at places like Beard or on tour bus; grunt and strain as I lift myself out of a chair, and puff with relief when I plunk my ass into a chair. Feel more and more impatient with jokesters like Spartacus, do-everything-right persons like Sherryl, even sick friends like Bob L. and Shelley. Just usually feel like a grumpy old man, and I don't like it AT ALL!

THURSDAY, 4/21/05: 8:55AM: Just printed DREAMS:4/21/05 and felt I need to catch up with this. Had to add 10) Laundry, 11) Visit Met Museum, 12) Buy bidis, 13) Check trip-pills and Rx and malaria meds, 14) C.: 2 Mefloquine needed, 15) Buy omega-3 and omega-6 fish oils, and 16) Open Rita's card at Arnold's. Watched good Stage Beauty and Finding Neverland twice, with commentary and all additional features, taking up much of Saturday and Sunday, and getting to MAN on Sunday, and the Beard on Monday and Thursday and Monday, and Brooklyn Botanic Garden and Museum on Friday. Did so many on that list that I started the "Third Dozen" list: 1) Diehlman's to me; Fred later (but asked for the brochure for both), 2) Slides away, 3) Aus/NZ slides set for 5/31, 4) Pack for Madagascar, 5) Cash for Madagascar, 6) Xerox gym card, 7) Learn new camcorder, 8) Attach OCR, 9) Tapes to Spartacus for Revelations and 5/5, 10) Pay 1st Citi bill, 11) Update VCR lists, 12) Forgot-to list, 13) $14 for John A. for Times, 14) See Cadmus at 5th and 56th, 15) Pick up Kodak projector fix, and 16) Open Rita's card at Arnold's. Did SO many of them that I did a new list on 5/27 for my return: 1) Aus/NZ slides set for 5/31, 2) Update VCR lists, and 3) Pick up Kodak projector fix.

FRIDAY, 4/29/05: Frustrated because I couldn't find my adapter plug! Searched and searched, and after two whole hours just resolved to BUY one in Madagascar! Got two more rolls for slides, leaving only one behind, in addition to the problematic one with no label. Hope to get the last tomorrow. Get a CHECK that I have to deposit tomorrow, too. Then resolve to sort out the "next trip" bags. Got to bed at 10PM last night and tonight at 8:08, trying to time-switch NOW.

SATURDAY, 4/30/05: Up at 4:15, breakfast to 4:30, fuss with SMALL packing stuff to 7:15. Pack, call Ken, pack to 9:35. Lunch to 9:55 and wash dishes and leave word with John. Hunt for ANOTHER baggage tag, having thrown ALL the old ones away, and find one from the Aranui! John calls; I set up TV, go to bank to noon. 12:10PM: Over the meantime I added 17) Call taxi for me and Ken, and 18) Do index, a surprise quickie from Watson-Guptill for the grand price of $120. Now that I'm caught up with a NOTEREPL page, I can start my TR\MADAGAS file now at 12:25, John's line still busy: don't water plants THIS Sunday please. TRAVEL:MADAGASCAR

FRIDAY, 6/3/05: 11:45AM: Just finished the last page (45) of TR\MADAGAS, and Charles phoned to say we won't go to Brooklyn Botanic today because of maybe-rain, but will meet at 6PM at the Bistro du Vent. Finished proofing and transferring dreams to DREAMS:6/3/05, and making new DREAMS starting at page 1, by 12:30PM, not feeling like doing more computer stuff. Pass time and enjoy Corpus Christi, particularly the sexy Aaron Lohr playing Judas.

SATURDAY, 6/4/05: TV all day: Hercules (NBC, 3 hrs) with Paul Telfer VERY sexy and cute-handsome, good writing by Charles Edward Pogue. Two-hour finale of Star Trek: Enterprise not very special. Last half of Bambi when I see it's on, then three hours of Revelations, going out for Times 10PM with 2 slices pizza.

SUNDAY, 6/5/05: Read Times, Shelley lunch 2PM at Chez Henry after I come from the gym, watch Alien Planet for 2 hours, then Tony Awards, again TV all day.

MONDAY, 6/6/05: Watch my tape of Predators at War from last night, for two hours, then skim Madagascar videos, finding that I'd videotaped 1¼ hours INSIDE MY A&K bag (have to listen to it later to see if anything unusual was said). Tried catching up with things by typing the first two pages of the Madagascar slides before going to the Beard with Ken---not terribly interesting.

TUESDAY, 6/7/05: Finished the last of the four SLIDES pages by the time I had to stop for breakfast and get to Dr. D.'s for about an hour and a half of cleaning and refilling my upper-left wisdom tooth. Found another cavity and had to make an appointment for Saturday, 6/25, because I didn't want to "heal" during restaurant weeks and she said I SHOULD take care of it. Checked at the bank for a balance of $2539.62, which I don't understand, but at least the $1200 check to her should clear. Left off the second prescription for the colonoscopy stuff, saying that I'd be paying under protest, and she seemed to say she might be able to convince HIP not to charge me again. Otherwise I'll have to do it myself. Back to get color Xeroxes of my apartment building from Manhattan to mail to Rita, and drop off the two tapes that took so much of the weekend to look at, me giving THAT priority over everything else. Played a fair share of FreeCell, too, getting my average gradually higher each time. Filled in a few more restaurants with Mildred, who convinced me to come in to town tomorrow at 1PM to co-sign one of her apartment sales in return for lunch at the Madison Bistro afterward. Sherryl wants to wait for my hour-edited-down Madagascar video before she looks at it. Susan H. called this morning to change my SPACIFIC slide-show to Tuesday, August 23, since I'll just be coming back from Yellowstone on the previous Tuesday. Then played more FreeCell, not wanting to have lunch until my filling stopped throbbing, which it STILL is doing, sadly, and now it's almost 5PM and I want to get to the bottom of the page so I can print out the Summary sheet that I just finished, so I can transcribe that to the DATEBOOK pages to finish THAT phase of the trip, which just leaves accounting for any balance between Ken and me, and putting the souvenirs somewhere. Had called Fotoshop but got no call back YET about my carousel part: I fear they LOST it! Got one index in yesterday and should get another in today, having 3 or 4, I know not exactly, coming in, hopefully giving me enough cash to pay all my bills, including John's final bill when he finishes up his typing the end of this month. Put on the air conditioner the last few days, the one in the bedroom first today, and only NOW has the Witnesses' clock decided to give the temperature, which it hadn't for a few days: 86°---no wonder it feels hot. Still have to sort through the LAST pile of stuff I saved from all the mailings and newspaper clippings, and then I've got to get to the Museum of Natural History before the end of the month, maybe also the Met, and also the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Colonoscopy on Friday, meaning solid-less Thursday, with grocery specials to pick up by Thursday, too. So much to do, but at least I've finished and can print THIS!

WEDNESDAY, 6/8/05: 10:25AM: Get up about 7:20AM and start copying new segments onto my porno DVD, jerking off all the while. About 8AM I put on rubber bands, but never get close to cumming because it's so time-consuming speeding through the tapes, recording segments, then waiting the longer and longer time while the "record is closing" message remains on the screen. Then the image starts to freeze, and stopping the tape won't change it: only ejecting the tape and shutting off the power cuts out the image. This happens a couple of times, but the copying goes on. About 9AM I VERY stupidly decide to pee WITH the rubber bands on: I hadn't peed when I got up, so I had a very full bladder. I could feel the urine come to the rubber bands and stop with an almost perceptible jolt. So the rubber bands had to come off. As I took off the first few loops, blood appeared at the tip of my penis, and as I took off more loops, blood and urine began flowing freely, until I took off all the bands and urinated for a LONG time, the stream of urine finally becoming blood-free, but after the flow stopped, something like pre-cum oozed out, heavily bloody. I wiped and wiped, but still the blood continued. I started worrying about my internal well-being and decided I had to cum to free THOSE passageways of blood: what would happen if the blood CLOTTED and blocked the passage of semen or urine? So I went back to the last recording, the three at the window, which I FINALLY got to, and jerked off WITHOUT rubber bands, the beginning bloody but at the end the semen was relatively free of blood, until after that flow stopped, and then the tip again began oozing blood. Urinated AGAIN, with a great pause, and AGAIN the urine started bloody, ended fairly blood-free, and then AGAIN started the final drips more and more mixed with blood until the exudate was again practically all blood. Decided to have breakfast, reading New York magazine, and before that drank two full glasses of water to AGAIN urinate, hoping to clear the urinary passages of blood and concomitantly to let the supposedly sterile urine "purify" whatever blood vessels had been broken by my stupidity. Had a glass of juice with breakfast, but still the tip of my cock oozed red until it practically covered my tissue. At least decided NOT to go to the gym today, but I've got to SHAVE before going to see Mildred at 1PM. Start typing this when I turn the power-board back on (having turned it off last night after repeated beeps left the red-light warning-signal on), without the red light, and the Dell hadn't been turned off at all, for whatever unknown reason. Reset the clock (after getting an initial jolt at seeing it at 12:05 before realizing that's when I STOPPED it last night) to 10:25AM before starting this, and now it's 10:35 and my cock is STILL seeping what seems to be PURE blood. Will now try to see if I can urinate again to clear some of it out and maybe stop the flow---maybe I should stop SITTING to let things hang looser to heal? At the pee, TWO tiny clots appear first (maybe TWO small vessels were broken, and had clotted?), then a CLEAR urine stream until the VERY end, but there's PAIN, as there was last time, along the lower edge of my urethra about midway down my cock, and the last few drops AGAIN get increasingly bloody as they decrease in frequency. As I sit and type, the tissue is dotted with urine-blood mixture, which turns bloodier drop by drop. Now to shave, standing, hoping to heal faster. It's 10:42AM. At 10:52AM, after shaving, it's still dotting totally red, though I think the frequency of the drops might be smaller. Decide to take a shower HERE, since my hair and my body are just so DIRTY! At 11:40 I've taken a LONG time to let the water go down, peed AGAIN, with LESSER pain along the bottom of my urethra, but STILL it started with two tiny clots and ended with increasingly bloody diminishing drops, and when the urine runs out it's just plain BLOOD. When will it STOP? For a few minutes it ACTUALLY stopped, but when I MOVED in my chair it started again at 11:45AM. Big bloody blob in my shorts when I got back from lunch at 4:10PM, and it's STILL seeping now at 5:10PM. Let's hope it stops before I go to BED! By 7PM I was ABOUT to say it had stopped, but there's a HUGE glob of blood on the end. Drink more water! Finally it seems to stop, but wear shorts and in the morning is one LAST stain on the front of shorts, but pee clearly.

THURSDAY, 6/9/05: 8AM: Wake about 7, pee clearly, though shorts and inserted toilet paper have red spots, but sheet remains clean. Find old Colyte receipt and prepare to take both to doctor tomorrow to plead for refund. Drink water and start to read to delay breakfast until hungry. From 11:30-12:40 I do the eBay Home Makeover index, a good time-occupier. Decide to get groceries on this last day of sales for particular items, and then decide to pick up two DVDs to help pass this solid-foodless evening. Take up groceries first about 3:15 and then get The Machinist, which I start watching at 4PM as I take the first glass of the Colyte mixture, which takes 2½ hours to drink, and the shits start about in the middle, bizarrely echoing Christian Bale's 1/3 weight-loss for the film. After the diarrhea relieves the pressure on my stomach, drinking is easier, and since I'm not eating, there's nothing to distract my attention from the extraordinary film. But then at 8PM I want to start taping the MTV Awards, so I stop watching TV and do the Watson-Guptill catalog index, then at 10PM still don't feel tired, so I play Spider until about 11:30, going to bed at 11:40, and doing a good Actualism session that doesn't succeed in letting me get to sleep, anxious about the colonoscopy tomorrow, having put a plastic protector under the sheet in case I shit during the night.

FRIDAY, 6/10/05: Shit at 12:50AM, sleep little, and shit again at 5:10AM, deciding it's time to get up and watch TV a bit before taking my first enema at 6AM, then watch TV (seeing Time Warner Cable reloading about 6:30AM) and take the second enema at 7AM, not that bad, shitting pretty clear, hoping I've done what I need for a good colonoscopy. Finish The Machinist's extras and start the first few minutes of Kinsey before meeting Spartacus, who was actually a minute EARLY, at 8:49AM, getting to Nostrand Avenue at 9:20, but not called into the inner room until 9:29. My blood pressure is 130 over 90, normal for this stressful time. But then given bag for clothes at 9:30, and undress and about 9:40 get a saline-drip line installed. Had taken off my watch, but when she comes in to get me at 9:56 she says I can keep my watch on. Lie on my side, draw my knees up, get the intravenous Demerol not as "an anesthetic" but as "a relaxer," and I vaguely feel the probe enter about 10:04AM, see some twists of pink colon on the TV above me, with dark areas that I think may be twists but are later called feces-filled pockets which my lack of fiber prevented from being removed for a clear look. The probe, with only one small twitch where I make a sound of discomfort, comes out at 10:14, and I get back to sit and read from 10:15-10:25, then am told to get dressed at 10:28. To D.'s office at 10:36 to be told that I need a higher-fiber diet, need next colonoscopy in ten years, and out at 10:39 to visit the administrators downstairs after the secretary referred me to the doctor, and the doctor referred me to her, who in turn gave me the number of the central administrator, in only on Monday. Home about 11:30 to have breakfast and lunch while going through Kinsey, and return that to pick up Suspect Zero, which has an alter ego who brings the hero to self-realization almost EXACTLY like The Machinist! Finish all that about 12:30, and still have diarrhea a few times through the evening, thankful I'm not out with Sherryl!

SATURDAY, 6/11/05: Up at 7:15 and shit and go to try to jerk off to find that I'm set up to TAPE The Journey of Man on Channel 13 from 7:30-10, so I end up WATCHING that, and recording it without pledge-break interruptions for future watching, and have breakfast during the last episode, and catch up with my notes from the previous days now at 10AM. Still want to jerk off, but make notes that I have to update my Actualism-date list from the trip, phone for a follow-up on my colonoscopy, as well as my yearly physical, with Dr. C. on Monday, as well as calling the administrator for my $23.27 refund, and getting someone to clean out my bathtub drain, though I hope to go to the gym tomorrow to start getting back into THAT groove. But even with videos, I'm catching UP!

SATURDAY, 6/18/05: 9:30AM: Finished two enormous indexes ($1100 Statistics for Spr-SBM and $2200 [about] for WT-GP A Fine Romance biggie) yesterday, giving me time to catch up with some videos. Only thing on the desk today is the Fort Greene Park day, which I might not get to at all. Looking out my window reminds me of the wonderful rain-turning-into-SNOWfall a few days ago, unless the light reflected off upward-moving RAINDROPS just made them LOOK like broad snowflakes, and the great dark swift-moving clouds before a rainstorm yesterday, and the white galleons sailing across the sky this morning, broken by the pile-driver sounds of the concrete breakup in the unused "park" between me and the next building, working even on Saturday! Lots of things still to attend to, but will get to the gym to make that regular, though the reconstruction of the basketball court, the Aiden Quinn-lookalike said, will take months. Have to prepare for the Games Group tomorrow, involving washing dishes, getting stuff out, buying groceries, and then for the Madagascar slides at 7:30 tomorrow night. Did some Spider ALMOST to the record this morning, so I hope that takes it out of my system for today. Recorded a dream [DREAMS:6/18/05], and now this, so it's time for breakfast at 9:35AM.

MONDAY, 6/27/05: 9:35AM: Typed out the two dreams [DREAMS:6/27/05] and sit in the semi-dark, feeling sorry for myself: woke at 6:30 with the light outside, and lay fuming in the light and finally got out the black plastic shower curtain that I blocked the light with at 167 Hicks, and that doesn't fit in any way, so I get out the navy blanket and hammer two nails into opposite wall to put up the hanging, but the light still comes in at the BOTTOM, reflecting off all the white surfaces, so I get out the travel bag and get an eye-mask, which I put on and actually fall asleep with to have the two dreams recorded on DREAMS:6/27/05, inadvertently hitting SHIFT-F3, which switches me to Doc 2, into which I can retrieve DREAMS to see the page number WITHOUT reducing this window and getting DREAMS into the bottom half of the window---so LONG to see such a SIMPLE solution. Happy that my nerve-touched tooth hasn't been troubling me yet, but don't look forward to another expensive root canal, for which I have to make an appointment for next week, unless an emergency is needed earlier. Two indexes to send out, gym to go to before meeting Spartacus and Paul M. at "21" at 1:30. But now? Play SPIDER!!

TUESDAY, 7/12/05: 2:30PM: Just boosted Spider average to a new high: 47.79037! Phoned 1) Fred to leave word this morning about free extensions to Go Ahead tours, 2) Shelley, who said I might as well KEEP the $1500 since I might need it at end of month, as I surely might because of the added $685 to my Visa bill when I called 3) Met Opera, tired of waiting for Fred to give HIS opera preferences, 4) Charles, to complain about Mildred's "handing me my head" and not accepting ME for ME while I must accept every thin-skinned whim of HERS, and to make an appointment for Botanic Garden THIS Friday, as I phoned 5) Carolyn to make a Botanic Garden appointment for NEXT Friday. Finally phoned 6) Schwab to invest my $44,000 "loose change" at 4.1% for two years starting 7/20/05. Phoned 7) IGT to cancel my membership once and for all, getting a $25 refund on my Visa, and just took the card out of my wallet and stashed the last listings on the shelf. Phoned 8) Sherryl to say we got tickets for Thom Pain after I 9) Internetted two tickets for Thursday, after 10) Internetting Schwab to see I couldn't cancel on-line documents that way, and 11) trying to Internet Adelaar and getting only a professor, finding Flores and Komodo tours with ALLIANCE, which might be what he meant. 12) Ken phoned ME to say NONE of the dates for Per Se worked out for his 11, and anyway they can only seat 10, and he'll start calling this evening to check dates. Phoned 13) John to say his Mutual Funds section was sitting here. Took Spartacus's $10 back and picked up a STASH of stuff to put away, before giving blood for my Friday C. appointment, and got phoned 14) by G. confirming my 9:30AM tomorrow. Breakfast just after noon, and will have lunch soon, getting to index LATER.

SATURDAY, 7/16/05: 8:25AM: Woke about 7AM and had a wonderful orgasm, boosted only by one rubber band (easily removed) and a new bidi which I smoked about halfway through. Recovered about 7:21AM when I peed and looked at the time on the cable box. Then lay in bed and thought about the tragedy in London, where second-generation Londoners acted as human bombs for the four explosions there on---when?---Thursday July 6? The Rodgers-Hammerstein line from South Pacific: "They've got/ to be/ carefully/ taught" repeated in my brain. The basic (base) criminals weren't the bombers themselves, they were the brainwashers (hardly teachers, since education "educes" from positive thoughts, whereas these fanatics "implanted" these horrible killing-motives into not normally deadly CHILDREN!) who TRAINED their dupes to kill themselves and others for "a higher purpose." Then, methinks, my thoughts expanded to a multiverse in which each individual is IN FACT a creator of his own universe, since each consciousness, in a very REAL way, DOES create its own universe in which every physical manifestation is FILTERED through the consciousness, ACTUALLY CREATING the good and evil in EACH INDIVIDUAL'S universe: these universes then INTERSECT in the conflagrations under the London streets, so that a PERFECT MANIPULATOR of the multiverse could travel in however-many-necessary dimensions of space and time and PERSONAL-UNIVERSE to that terrible INSTANT OF EXPLOSION (as in one of my prior short stories) to SEE the intersection of the lives of the killers and killed, so that each life could be identified, and then followed back, in the case of the bombers, to their teachers, who could appropriately be punished in whatever way the survivors of the killed might dictate. Then my thoughts shifted to all the things I want to do, centered around an eventual website which would contain "my life," embodied in writings, photographs of drawings, lists of trips and indexes and thoughts and doings. And those thoughts led me to a NEXUS-page of writing, which would serve as the BASIS for my "infinite to-do list" AND of the eventual website, which I expanded in minutes to include the file of my old indexes in C6, all my travel writings, and the yet-to-be-computerized contents-pages which would serve as a SUB-NEXUS for the rest of DIARY and NOTEREPL and other components, including stamp-lists, video-lists, slide-lists, and all my PLAYS (which I digressed to think I could get PUBLISHED in volumes which would then serve as manuscripts for subsequent stage productions). Then, in thinking of a central NEXUS-page, I reverted to the old idea of having that page totally visible on a computer screen, therefore limited to 20 lines, say, so that each page would be a self-contained unit, as the DIARY pages could never be since they vary from 20 to 60 (and sometimes even more, when I squeezed lines onto the bottom of the page) lines per page. Then I started hassling the difference between the actual home-page of the eventual website and the envisioned NEXUS page which would serve as my "infinite to-do list." That led me to the computer, where I now type at 8:47AM, ready to act on my final thought before starting to type: start a NEW directory in WP51 called NEXUS, into which I can actually transcribe the NEXUS pages themselves, making sure that each page DOES fit onto the screen, as this page, already, does not.

MONDAY, 8/1/05: 7:50AM: Went to bed VERY late Saturday night, fussing over puzzles until 2:30AM, but Sunday eating was odd since I had breakfast at 1:30PM after finishing puzzles and Times, then "lunch" at 7:30 that I decided to call DINNER and took evening pills for, and felt tired Sunday evening so I decided to take a sleeping pill at 10:20 after clearing up Australia/New Zealand slides after showing them Saturday night to Ken and Stephanie, later treating her to a good dinner at Chez Henry, and got to bed at 10:30, starting Actualism but going to sleep almost immediately. Woke at 5AM to pee, feeling groggy, and lay until 6AM, deciding 7.5 hours was enough to leave me tired tonight to get to bed even earlier for my damnable 6:19AM flight tomorrow! Made five-item do-list for today, breakfasted at 7:30, paid two monthly bills. TRAVEL:YELLOWSTONE

THURSDAY, 8/25/05: 7:45AM: Just finished recording my second dream of the morning [DREAMS:8/25/05] and felt to type SOMETHING here for the first time in 24 days. My right foot is still sore, my right eye is sore, I've still not finished my accounting for funds for the Yellowstone trip that ended over a week ago, and still have the HIP claim to be put in for my Yellowstone Clinic $855 bill, and a few other things to finish up before the slides come back (including making the slide-list, correcting the text, and printing the pages, which now number 20, as well as make the Summary page), and have the first of a few indexes due to arrive, as well as the sample Geometry index for Denise for the first three chapters I have. Glad to have tickets to Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf for Tuesday, which closes next week, and arrangements for Charles to look for Pillowman discounts at TKTS on 9/1, and news that Doubt will continue through January, which will catch me up with plays. Lots of tapes and DVDs of Arnold's to see yet, they still haven't finished DIGGING down before building up the "garden" next door, and since I can't go on Fred's boat to the Upper Amazon, I'm thinking of taking off two weeks sooner with Paul just to DO it this year, depending on when OAT calls back with the tidemarks, since I went when it was HIGH tide last time and would like to see it at LOW tide to compare it this time, not to mention wanting to avoid rain. Feel I might be walking PERMANENTLY more slowly due to my cellulitis and age, and don't even THINK of going to the Marriott to make up for the closing of the gym until 8/31, which isn't that far away already---just consider that I took a month's trip rather than a two week's trip, and shouldn't be hassling my right foot anyway. Getting two more index checks from last month means I can pay all my bills THIS month from my HSBC account, saving my $800+ in my Schwab One for maybe an overage NEXT month, and reminded that I still haven't gotten the forms for the IRA\Keogh required distributions from IRS, was it BEFORE or AFTER the trip that I asked for them? AND still not got the replacement part for the carousel projector, gone since APRIL! Audience Extras has NOTHING good these days, and Spartacus hasn't reported anything interesting from Theatermania. Mildred and I are talking, but that's about it, and this is now going into the last week of bargain restaurants for THIS August. DID go to bed at 11:50PM last night, and now at 7:55AM it's officially over 8 hours in bed, except for the twenty or so minutes transcribing last night's two dreams, but I think I'll go back to bed and rest some more. Hope my listlessness is just lack of gym work, rather than aging, which sure plays a part, though I've cum every other day since I've been back from the trip, feeling horny for some reason and at least producing SOME semen each time, rather than those dreadful perfectly dry cums from earlier this year. AND when will I get started on my scanner and website? And the video transfer program Pinnacle? And start reading again to pass time rather than playing Spider? And when will Susan call with my China-slide-show date, and when will I have the KenPac slide evening? Stephanie didn't phone last night, maybe she's on a trip again? At LEAST should finish the Yellowstone accounts so I can communicate with Ken tonight at the Beard. AND pluck my ear-hairs. Busy, busy, finishing at 8AM. Jerk off AGAIN (5 times in 8 days!), print photo-list, do a Summary page, trip almost up to date and I haven't breakfasted by 12:22PM!

SATURDAY, 9/10/05: 8:52AM: Just typed two lines on MEDICAL and DREAMS:9/10/05, and haven't typed HERE for 16 days! Lots of indexes to do, lots of health and mental worries, TV doesn't work at ALL, piles of stuff to take care of, and in three hours have to meet Ken at the Burger Joint in the Parker Meridien before going to see some play Ken's giving me free so he doesn't have to encounter his "friend" who just canceled out of Ken's painstakingly compiled Morocco tour in which he's trying desperately to interest ME, courting and blackmailing me into wanting to repeat the places I did in Jean-Jacques's car when I was 33, 36 years ago, and I'm thinking it IS possible to do.

SATURDAY, 9/17/05: 12:20AM: Just finished breaking another high on Spider: 48.17593%. Actually talked to someone at Westinghouse who said he KNEW how to wire my Go video to the monitor, but I have to get a new one, and can return the old one when the new one is delivered! But in three weeks! C.'s appointment deferred until Monday, so I have to wait for my blood-test results. Did three hours' work on HRW this evening, after finishing one of the two taken-against-protest Springer indexes. Read two McEwan novels this week, and will prepare tomorrow for 7 or 8 of us to watch the Ken/Pacific slides here and the video at Bill's, under protest. Maybe one of the women won't show up and we'll only be 7, as I'd told him today when I gave him a tape to record the Jodie Foster biography on his non-cable Channel 2. ASME hasn't come in yet, which gives me a chance to finish the 298-page Proteosome index for Springer tomorrow, getting THAT off the stack. HRW is sending a $4078 check in a week or so, very nice, and I even pleased Mildred by changing my mind about wanting to vote for privatization and giving her the name of a bank willing to give 6% on a 10-year CD. And Michael Zolnierzack's ashes and probate is still going through the mail, ANOTHER hearing in California scheduled for 9/29: will it NEVER end? My cellulitis appears to be FINALLY vanishing, though I still try to sleep as much as possible with the foot up on a pillow. Got a Beard special with John V. for next Tuesday, a benefit from going to Juno to send the index out. Reminds me of searching for a tiny brush to clean my camera lens early this week and finding three watercolor brushes on the sidewalk outside the St. George on the way to the gym, a benefit from going to the gym! And thank goodness the Indian from the "hookup service" in Brooklyn didn't show up the last two days: it would have been $75 wasted! So things look GOOD!

MONDAY, 9/19/05: 11:05AM: Woke this morning with a drive to DO things, and in the doing, successfully moved c:\olddri~1\cd\show to c:\show, so I can go DIRECTLY, and then did the same with C6 and AR, but when I tried to move OLDDRI~1 to the TOP of the list, I LOST it, and later found, looking into C6, that I'd inadvertently "lost the click" when it was ON C6, rather than IN FRONT OF IT, and it INSERTED it into C6, so that when I tried to copy C6 onto a CD, it was 1350 Megs, too big, and THEN I say it CONTAINED OLDDRI~1! Later moved it BACK, but I could use an OLD SAVED CD to retrieve it anyway. Made NEW saves on CDs of WP51 on one and C6 and JV on another, making me feel MUCH better. Called John to say he could have his computer storage back, and Spartacus to tell him the dangers of trying something new, but could only leave a message. Now to stack the HRW job in neat piles and go to C. at 11:30.

TUESDAY, 9/20/05: 6:11PM: Woke early, did a quick Actualism, and up at 8:30 to write out a 9-point list (expanding to 12) that I start with 1) Westinghouse at 9:05, saying they'll get back to me with tracking number, and I MAY have goosed them into starting earlier. 2) Mildred surprised about the 1099 for her gift, telling me about "will entered in probate" which can get me and Rita a copy, and "descriptive list," which they don't have yet. 3) Ken can come over Sunday, though I see I wanted to watch TV Sunday! 4) CURR for daily saves not done YET. 5) Dell will send a guy to put in my DVD writable-disk slot! 6) Shelley didn't have her key, but gave me $100 bill (for Rose) for my $20s from the 7) bank before I gave blood for my 8) Beard-rich tests. 9) Called Rita, then 10) the lawyer, telling her to send Rita a copy of the will, too. Then got a call from Susan and called her back 11) to say I'd be doing Russia-China train trip from 1981 on 11/22. 12) Left word with Spartacus, who called when I was at the 13) gym, and I picked up mail and 14) more HRW chapters and disks, cataloging and counting and putting them on coffee table for working on AFTER I send off the Proteasome index tomorrow and finish off the ASME. Breakfast only at 12:10, lunch 4:20-4:50 while reading, put stuff away to 5:55, and finish typing this at 6:16PM, depressed with the muggy weather outside, wearing just a shirt and trousers to the Beard for John Villa tonight at 7PM.

THURSDAY, 9/22/05: 12:35PM: Another busy morning: 1) Called bank to see where the money went so quickly---OK. 2) Got ASME answers, among which is that they no longer list IMechE books. 3) OAT said they'd check for Amazon low-tide. 4) C. gave "bad" triglyceride reading and gave me a new slip. 5) Met agreed to change Don Pasquale tickets. 6) Charles bought ABT tickets. 7) Sit on phone with Medcor billing office, who tells me the form will go back to HIP TOMORROW! "Then it'll probably be 30 days." Now to Visa bill and ASME Conference index before lunch and TV at Bill's at 2PM and then Union League Club for financial cheese and wine with Mildred, and then to Viaggio a Reims. WHEW!

THURSDAY, 9/29/05: 11:59PM: Absolutely deliriously messed-up day: after Tuesday's teeth-gritting wait for the UPS man to unexpectedly return at 5PM after trying to phone Westinghouse for another Tracking Number (rather than pay the $10 pickup charge) and getting a busy signal (which was after the Russian came and put in my DVD-write unit, or at least told me about SONIC, which may have been ABLE to write a DVD all along, but no one told me about it) I felt pretty GOOD: computer fixed, new monitor waiting to be installed. At least I got the ASME Catalog index off my desk on MONDAY. Then look at the NEWYORKOPENHOUSE brochure and find that the Skidmore, Owings, and Merrill tour is ALREADY filled, and try six times to turn on the JUNO computer to send out a request for the Croton Aqueduct tour, which comes back fulfilled, so I can call Charles and say we're going. Then bring up the trolley to throw away my RCA TV and turn it on ONE LAST TIME---and it WORKS! Try hooking up the Go video but get nowhere: can get the SOUND but not the PICTURE. Call Doctor Data, but then Spartacus reminds me I can hook up the remote turn-on at the PLUG, not at the internal switch, but when I try it, it just DOESN'T work, and eventually Owen calls today to say he's moving and won't be able to handle it for about ten days, but maybe I can just leave it on. Will try that. Then leave a message for the Woodlawn Cemetery tours, work on HRW today after HOURS spent the last week on Spider, and Spartacus comes over at 5PM to find we get NO picture on ANYTHING, and though he pooh-poohs my last desperate idea to phone Time Warner. I do, to find that the SERVICE HAS BEEN OUT since 3PM! Then think I can try my Go video, but after I plug it in after unplugging it to replace the defective extension-cord plug, it says "Hello," then "Please wait" for about a MINUTE, and then it SHUTS OFF! Try THAT a few times and finally Spartacus leaves after I phone Westinghouse and get a message saying THEIR system is down, and leave word and they'll get back to me. So I try to plug in the phone machine and the BATTERY IS LOW! Blinks repeatedly. Why it needs a battery when it's plugged in I've never been able to figure out. Play more Spider and have dinner, then more Spider and decide to type this at 12:30AM Friday, Shelley having phoned to meet her at 1:30 to get money for my Visa bill, hoping my check from HRW will finally come in. My camcorder actually WORKED on the Westinghouse monitor! Just SO depressed with EVERYTHING going wrong!!! Stop at 12:39AM and get to bed to try to start ANOTHER day fresh.

SUNDAY, 10/2/05: 12:04PM: Putting "older" Alg1, Geom, and Alg2 pages in black file with bottom slot for "outdated or save" sheets to that I can finally CLEAR UP the mess on my coffee table, started by putting the spare black-base lamp into the closet and the shade up out of reach. Printed out the memo to Denise, which I sent with the two index files this morning, dated yesterday, and then printed out the "final" file and ALREADY have five sets of corrections! Then decided I had to type this to print to finish the last page of the index untorn, and also decided to wash the BOTTOM part of the bedroom windows, since it seems the window replacement is taking FOREVER. Then will clear up the junk from the living room, too, glad that I shaved and pulled ear-hairs and washed the bathroom sink yesterday, washed dishes, too, and did laundry on Friday, happy to be working ONLY on the HRW project, determined to refuse ALL indexes to the end of the year, and maybe BEYOND that, for taxes!

WEDNESDAY, 10/5/05: 10:25AM: Just typed incredible dreams into DREAMS:10/5/05 and need to record the incredible jerk-off that preceded the dreams: I'd last cum on 9/23, so it was 12 days, a long time since the last orgasm, and got to bed about 12:05AM. Maybe dozed off, but woke feeling sexy and looked at the time to see that it was 1:55AM, and started very slowly playing with my semi-hard cock until it was very hard and teased so that I put on the light and got out the rubber bands, of which I used only one; the bidis, of which I smoked most of two; and the porno packet, which I didn't need to open. Continued playing very sensually with my cock, the bidi-smoke making it hard and very appealing, and it was only after a long while that I started building toward a climax, but that build was so successful that I paused at the brink to light the bidi once more and got to a wonderful stage 10 or even 11 that held for a long, glorious time, until the edge finally receded and with only a little effort came back to the edge and played with it gloriously, feeling amazingly young and strenuously sexy, until I eased up past the edge-feeling into an orgasm almost without any additional feeling, since the edge-feeling was so incredibly intense, even leading me to dazedly question whether I'd really cum, but there were two streams of semi-milky fluid down the side of my thumb that I licked off as I put the ashtray aside, and I started going down as I lay there dazedly contemplating the tip of my cock that had gotten becomingly moist, almost like wet labia, with pre-cum without ever actually producing a physical drop in the slit before the cum appeared and flowed, making the whole buildup very exciting. As I got to the peak I IMPLORED any "hungry ghosts" or sex-inclined out-of-body adventurers to come close and share in my sexual tension and help tease each other into new levels of pre-cum sensation, feeling unified with the sex-feelings of the guys captured in the photographs which I didn't need to get out of their envelope to refresh my memory of them, thinking how great this would be if I could get like this with Paul C. or Tony, and didn't want to lose the extreme hardness and edge-nearness that I'd achieved the first time so I went with the second build-up, feeling just wonderful, and when I looked at the clock after a maybe five-minute recovery period just lying there, dazed, with the rubber band off and the last wetness of cum seeping out my cock-slit to be rubbed onto my fingers and wiped on my thigh, it was 3AM, which amazed me into thinking maybe I'd misremembered starting over an hour ago at 1:55AM. Lay a bit longer, thinking how wonderful it was to be able to play so sexually for the first time past the age of 69½, wondering how, and how often, other old folks came so wonderfully, peed at 3:15, put the stuff away, and finally put the light out at 3:22, after which I had the two glorious dreams. Then started fantasizing about the MAN pool party, scheduled for tonight, for which I hadn't gotten an announcement, and then realized I could phone them from their number in the MAN directory and ASK if they're having a party, and waking-dreamed of their having scheduled a SEX party, but thought I wouldn't be interested, though I'd be accepted, and would go for a wonderfully sensuous party which I could watch or participate in as much as I liked, since they would sensibly make the rule that there'd be nothing anal going on, and everything would be as AIDS-safe as possible, and there'd be more attractive people there than not, and I'd find a new source of sexual pleasure after so much time being ALONE with it. Thought of some of the pleasant cuddlings with the people who show up there: the hosts being sweet enough to be pleasant without being threatening, and the younger might have a nice endowment if allowed to get hard, and the sexy large-eyed big-cocked guy might be participating as well. Got out of bed at 9:42, having fallen asleep again in the middle of an Actualism session (which I now go to record [ACTUALISM:10/5/05]) and get up to shit feeling very TIRED, but still able to read New Yorker as I sit on the pot. Look forward to making the call, along with lots of other things to do before getting back to HRW, glad they haven't called yet now at 10:43AM, and have to call Charles about the City Opera no longer honoring senior OR Channel 13 rush requests, which is a pity, and tell about Il Viaggio a Reims.

SATURDAY, 10/8/05: [Expansion note from 9/29]: It was SUCH a bad day that after I wrote this note it just SAT there until now: "Then look at clock and it BLINKS 1:15, having been disconnected at---well, at midnight! Well, to be exact, at 11:58PM! And my PILLOWCASE is short and my SHEET's too small (pinned at the corner, and I WONDERED how many days it would be before I'd change it and throw it away, and it's ALREADY been ten days!) and BLANKET tears at the FOLDS!! And I threw AWAY my non-working Tom's "natural" deodorant. And my SLEEP mask is loose!" [This I pinned once and then AGAIN to make it tighter as the band lost its elasticity.] Now THAT's finished at 8:20AM, Charles has been arm-twisted into maybe trying the Arsenal and Woodlawn Cemetery TODAY, since it's equally supposed to rain TOMORROW, and even I wouldn't go for a four-hour walk in the rain tomorrow. And two new chapters from Algebra 1 came in, but the Algebra pages are SO much easier to work with than the Geometry pages, which have only four more chapters to go, whereas I'm awaiting FOURTEEN more Algebra chapters. And STILL haven't started inquiring about my website, though I'm happy to have gotten JK off to Tristan, though I had to discard a couple dozen files, including his, from Juno, when I couldn't (without ANY message at ALL) e-mail index files to Denise yesterday because the Juno storage was completely full with the 600K JK file. Now 8:25 and have to have breakfast before meeting Charles (if he shows up, and if there's room on the tour) at the Arsenal at 9:45.

TUESDAY, 10/11/05: 8:50AM: [continuing for Saturday]: At 9:15AM, Saturday, go for the R train to find yellow ribbons blocking the entire entrance: DAMN! Go to get the 4 train, which takes a long time to get to 59th (I actually get off at 42nd, but don't see any signs to transfer to the R, then realize I really want 59th Street, so I get back on to 59th), and I walk to the Brooklyn-bound R track to see an empty train sitting in the station. It's now about 9:50AM; I'm hoping Charles will have the sense to go IN the Arsenal and reserve spaces for us on the tour, rather than just waiting blindly outside for me to arrive. But then the empty train just pulls out of the station, so I dash to the stairs and the street and walk in the gloom to Fifth and 60th and see no sign of the Arsenal, so I'm glad for the 830 Fifth Avenue address, and it's really at 64th Street, so I hope Charles finds it, but when I get to the Arsenal just before 10AM there's hardly anyone there, Charles hasn't arrived (yet, I think, but he tells a terrible tale of sitting long ages on the R train at 14th and at 23rd and finally he decides he has to take a cab, running into a customer-less street fair on lower Park Avenue which closes the street and causes traffic jams on surrounding streets, and at 9:45 he decides it's hopeless and just goes back home, totally wet and disgusted). Tour starts with a somewhat moronic Urban Park Ranger, with only 9 people, which is handy for fitting into elevators and going up stairs, though a woman with her husband is obviously incapacitated in some mental way and moves VERY slowly on stairs. Good tour, speaking of the Blockhouse in Central Park being at 106th on the WEST side, so I might find it again, and the Urban Park Rangers are coming back, so I take a brochure from them and sign up on a sheet for their mailings. The tour goes to 11:31, when he has to be back down starting the next tour, and I pee in the Septagon, with six windows numbered, and loved the two roof gardens, one available for public parties, and just go back to the 4 train for Woodlawn, figuring earlier tours won't be full, and long local ride up there takes from 11:40 to 12:10, boring scenery outside above 145th Street, and have a great bacon cheeseburger and root beer for $4.50 at the pizza joint and walk to see Vernon and Irene Castle's mourning bronze until 1:50, when I sit and look at the books on the cemetery, and rainy tour 2-3:35, many mausoleums looking the same inside, stories running together, but all in all I think it's richer looking and more luxuriantly laid out than Greenlawn, which is twice as big and holds maybe 550,000 people, compared to the 400,000 here, and room for more. Subway back, taking shuttle to Times Square, getting home tired and wet at 5. 9:05AM: Notes from Sunday, 10/9 tours: Charles doesn't call at 8AM, so I call him at 8:03AM and he says he's not coming, so I get to the 4 platform at 8:20, but the train doesn't come until 8:42! Get to Grand Central at 9AM, fearing to be late for the 9:30 start of tour, and count down the final stations: "12 minutes for last 9 stations, 11 minutes for last 8," and so forth down to "2 minutes for last 2 stations, 1 minute for last station," and get out at Lehman at the end at 9:30, with two other women, and there's no one there to meet us and we can't see any group gathering, so they fuss and I just sit on a dirty newspaper and read my New Yorker (wondering why I didn't remember the first part of McPhee's railroad article, and coming across the first part of it at breakfast today!), and the red-headed fireplug motions from down the block to the dark-haired woman between, who waves back at me, and when one of the guides comes smiley-faced up to me to ask how I am, I blurt out, "Awful, because there was no one at the station to tell us where to go," and he embarrasses me by pointing to the corner address right below the bold-faced tour-name in the brochure, so I apologize for not reading the article, being told I didn't miss much when I get to the talk about 9:50. About 19 on the tour, slightly misty but my jacket and hood keeps me dry enough without getting out my umbrella, and the Jerome Avenue reservoir has been emptied for the past twenty years or so, and we get a good view farther south, after taking good pictures of the enormous Kingsbridge Armory, maybe still the largest Armory in the world, and the guide keeps looking at ME when he talks, which is flattering. Long stretches along the culvert-top aside a street named Aqueduct Road, and we finally get to the Malls at 12:08 and I bitch because I hadn't gotten the e-mail telling us to bring lunch, but of course it was there yesterday when I e-mailed indexes to Denise. Into a McDonald's to stand in line for the john, wiping my ass to quantities of blood that concern me, but what can I do? Wipe it off and wash my hands and order a cheeseburger and a sweet roll for dessert, and leave at 12:25, eating as we go, getting stared at by black locals, and they all decide to eat on the walk, leaving more time for Highbridge Park and walking across Washington Bridge to climb the water tower. We get to go RIGHT up (LONG line when we come down for the final tour-guide address), and I get on line for the climb to the very top, dark, taking photos which probably won't come out (mailing them the next day, leaving the Yellowstone slides in the trays for the last of the photos on this roll), and leave tower at 2:45, totally exhausted, having gone into the woods to pee before getting on the subway. To the A train at 3PM, nowhere to sit, and on train at 3:05 and at 3:33 at West 4th Street they announce they're going to Jay Street, so take the C to get home, and IT announces IT is going to Jay Street. DAMN! Get to Jay at 3:54 and finish my magazine and start looking through the voluminous handouts, and get home at 4:10, completely exhausted. Play Spider, finish the Times puzzles, watch a bit of TV, and get to bed early. Monday I work 6:15, going over 86 hours, which is more than I'm due on the SECOND invoice for $4,078 mailed 10/4 and not yet GOTTEN in Texas on 10/10, though being Columbus Day there was no delivery that day, nor have I gotten the FIRST check, supposedly cut on 10/5, which they're checking on and I might get today. Shelley says she wants a check for the exact amount, waiting doesn't bother her. Talk to a weary Denise Monday (she'd been out Thursday and Friday) and "the bad news is that 10/17 is still the deadline for the Algebra 1 index," even though I'll be getting the last SIX chapters in TERRIBLE shape on WEDNESDAY at the earliest, so I WOULD have to do my vaunted "chapter a day" to get it in by Monday, which I just might be able to do anyway. Watch AWFUL Dungeons and Dragons and bed early. 9:23AM: Make a list for today: 1) Do 2 Algebra 1 chapters, 2) Empty souvenir tray, 3) Rx/Odor-Eaters/Groceries, 4) Rewire Go, 5) Check, 6) Get tape from Bill P., 7) Get pile off floor and do-shelf, 8) Record days (which I just did), 9) Felidia 7PM, 10) File to Tristan. End 9:25.

THURSDAY, 10/13/05: 9:25AM: Typed DREAMS:10/13/05 from the note that I wrote at 1:51AM, then somehow remembered that my blank week should at least have had the notation to phone for and go to the third Sunday's Games Group. And then I wrote the note: "DID I take NIGHT pills?" Another Alzheimer's moment when I thought I might NOT have, but was reluctant to take them now in case I HAD taken them before, then remembered that I'd counted out 23 pills on Tuesday when I refilled the jar from the surplus after I'd gotten my new Proscar prescription, and counted (both, to be anal) pills in the jar to see that I had 21, which would have meant that I took one to reduce the count to 22 on Tuesday night, so must have taken one Wednesday night to reduce the count to 21. Felt better that I could check, worse that I felt I HAD to check. With my disgust at Glenn W.'s memo yesterday about the 25 new items to double-index on for the Algebra 2 index (thank goodness they're letting me go with my "impossible" deadline to get them Algebra 1), I obsessed and grumbled and bitched, not able to get to sleep even with Actualism and counting backward from 100, so I took an Ambien at 3:05 and took over 40 minutes to actually get to sleep, looking at the clock disgustedly at 3:42AM, and then woke at 7:30 to pee, woke again at 8:30 still feeling groggy, and out of bed at 8:45 to shit and throw away another broken (the second) blind-clip, which is really in tatters, fairly clear that we're not getting new windows THIS season but I STILL don't want to replace the blind until I'm sure what kind of window opening and window fixtures have to be accommodated by the blind. Phone to find that I have only $3272 in my checking balance, nothing from the $478 deposited on Tuesday yet cleared, not possible yet to write a $3300+ check to Shelley. Still raining out---obviously the heavens opened once I washed my windows on Sunday, October 2, though it waited until Charles and I were dining outside on Thursday, October 6, to really start, ruining much of the Open House New York weekend, and making me glad I don't have to go out much this week at all, having time to finish the Algebra 1 index by Monday as demanded.

SUNDAY, 10/16/05: 9AM: Finished the Algebra 1 index on Friday, then watched TV almost all day Saturday except for finishing my list of AR and JV files, and have the Games Group today. Thoughts of "What if I die before finishing this HRW project, what a blow to their schedule" repeat in my head after telling Jenny W. that I couldn't take her rush index, leaving her in a terrible quandary, until now NOT thinking the connecting thought that it's people DEPENDING on me that forms the link between the two, unexpressed until this moment. Relayed that thought to Mildred, who laughed at it, and said that I was only lying to myself when I said I was getting more feeble with work as time went on. Sherryl said that, too, probably to hearten me, but leading me to question it even more strongly. Went back and forth in my mind about searching the PDF files for Algebra 1 terms to expand my "actually tailored final index," which would be an enormous pain: either adding the page numbers to BOTH the WP file AND to the Cindex file, or taking Denise's word that "We know it will take all your time just to finish the REGULAR index by Monday, so we'll have to fill in what you just don't have time to do since Tom's memo came so late in the schedule, on Wednesday." Actually WILL leave it at that!

THURSDAY, 10/20/05: 10:15AM: Decide to get my blood taken today before my system has a chance to change out of the Zetia and back to the Gemfibrozil and Pravachol to FINISH them off, starting Tuesday, but Dr. C. doesn't come in until 11AM to change my stool test to O&P (which I presume means organisms and parasites) rather than the simple occult-blood test which Spartacus said was the ONLY thing they took the stool samples for, leading me to check the slip and see that C. had asked only for occult blood, which was NOT why I asked for it! Then sort out the HRW stuff, then start on the do-stack, e-mailing Sandy I., finding that my carousel CAN'T be repaired (have to call B&H to try to get a replacement), throw away old "busy day" note for 9/27, and do THIS!

FRIDAY, 10\21\05: 8:47AM: Ready to clear off my desk from the do-stack by finalizing my Yellowstone expenses and putting away my index-lists, having phoned C. and two Springer people about overdue bills last night about 4:45, getting all messages; and calling Visa about my duplicated Key Food bill, which they have to send a paper for me to sign anyway, though it's clearly not MY mistake. Then to sort the Geometry index by page number and e-mail both indexes to HRW by 9:30 so they can get them at the start of their work at 8:30AM in Texas, ready to take my stool sample for the yesterday-marked O&P (ova and parasites) after Ron calls to say that my final SIX chapters for Algebra 2 have arrived, though even with only ONE day per chapter and NONE for finishing up, that would put the delivery date at WEDNESDAY, not the Monday they desperately need since the whole BOOK has to go off to the printers on FRIDAY, so they say. But worried that I have less than 40 hours left to do all three Teacher's Editions! Though as I remember it's ONLY marking the cheat-sheets and then a lot of typing and then the final "adding T to every page" and merging, so maybe I WILL do it in the limit. Went through the go-list and find I've not only the Met but the Frick for Memling and the Guggenheim for Russia and maybe Odilon Redon at MoMA in November. Not to mention the Westchester excursion tomorrow if Vicki doesn't flake out!

FRIDAY, 10/28/05: ENDLESS things to do: 1) Call C. about bloodwork and stool sample for ova and parasites, 2) Meat-fast for occult-blood stool sample next week, 3) Call MTA, GOT my Senior card renewal yesterday, 4) Call Met for replacement date for Don Pasquale and mail that out, 5) Call Denise: a) more chapters, b) Can you just CUT-AND-PASTE my only NINETEEN entries (20 if Assessment is added) rather than my updating my ENTIRE indexes for incorporation? 6) Gather HIP-Idaho material and HANDLE it, 7) HANDLE the Westinghouse non-menu VCRs, 8) HANDLE the Ridgewood CD deposits, 9) PUT UP the Mylar screen for a temporary window shade now that my "temporary" for the past three years is now in tatters and we clearly won't be getting new windows for THIS winter, 10) E-mail Tristan my Home Page jottings, 11) Reserve seats for Kings of Dance, 12) Start museum-going---and my mind gives out so I finish and save this at 8:53AM, going to type more of COMPCHRO.

THURSDAY, 11/3/05: 11:37AM: Type out the LAST HRW form for THIS set of books, and decide to finish this page to print it to clear the form. NO one is calling me back from HRW, which gives me the excuse to continue as I have been doing REGARDLESS of whether they like it or not. They gotta TELL me if they want any CHANGES. Sort of egg-faced by having to e-mail Tom that I'd gotten the "for example" pages for Algebra 2 into the Algebra 1 index! Look out the window at the gloriously bright day, trees beginning (very late) to burst into autumnal colors. Some good things: 1) my new MetroCard WASN'T canceled, the very nice lady who phoned me from the MTA told me, as I'd PROVED for myself on the subway on Tuesday, 2) got the final HRW pages and can see the end in sight, 3) saw The Mines of Sulfur, which means I can wait for the spring season to see Lysistrata, and with vacation-time will probably have to miss Acis, 4) last stool sample tomorrow, even though I HAD ham in my eggs Benedict last night! Some bad things: 1) no $11,000 from my cashed-in annuity yet for Ridgewood 6% CD-buying, 2) no $4,000 (actually "due" on Monday, but I HAD hoped for a quicker turnaround) from HRW, 3) no progress on Westinghouse or HIP or Carousel-part endeavors. BUT 1) the museum-going will start soon, with the NY Public Library added for a fifth venue, 2) got two stamp catalogs and soaked the VERY few stamps I've accumulated in the past year, and 3) the next 13 days have only three small (if you can call dinner at Per Se small) events. No reply from Tristan on my draft Website Home Page, no Keogh-handling pamphlets from Schwab, no social calls from ANYONE recently. Did get the slides back OK. Have THREE trips to slide-caption? And WHERE are my PORN slides that I tore the place apart on Wednesday trying unsuccessfully to find?

THURSDAY, 11/10/05: 12:30PM: Turns out I HAD slide-captioned the two 2005 trips before Yellowstone, so finally finished THAT, going to print out this page to clear THAT from the printer. Found the porn slides the next day when I went methodically through every box in which they could be, and found they were in a box I'd ignored before because it simply had "617" slides on it, and after I found it I marked it (discretely) as "PORN." But they didn't work for self-stimulation at ALL, though I added the computer slides in SHOW to try to work up to a good thing. Sex is REALLY taking a back seat! Look out now at the bright day (after the cloudy and rainy day yesterday, which was still a triumph as I 1) got the Carousel part back, 2) tried three hardware stores on Court Street for the missing Sylvania part, 3) found the Ridgewood Bank right across from my third light-shop try and found to my delight that the deadline for the 6% CD is DECEMBER 31, so I can wait FOREVER for the annuity check (which STILL hasn't come!), though the "price" of the Toshiba laptop has risen from $2,000 to $2,200), 4) stopped in at the library to find that the color-photo 2006 stamp catalog only includes the still-missing years 1983-1986 for Korea, North, and 5) phoned Sylvania to find they still make the part, and there are two stores in Manhattan which may supply the part, which I'll take in so THEY can replace it, since I certainly can't) with northern New Jersey mountains quite clear on the horizon, fluffy clouds, and colorful autumn trees below. But still that repair task from April remains undone. Got the stool results from C. (negative), but my shorts were TERRIBLY shit-stained from yesterday so that I had to shower and put on clean ones before going to the hot-tub MAN group last night. Phoned Mildred back yesterday and today and she hasn't called back yet. Forgot? Happy to put the last three trips into the "recent travel" notebook and get the last slides away so I can store the screen and projector until the NEXT trip, though I have to load up my Carousel slides for the China show next Tuesday. Will check out the possible science show in the Vanderbilt room at Grand Central when I go see The Kiss and three early Garbo shorts at Scandinavia House at 5:30 this evening, which sadly will be totally dark. Still have to number the Yellowstone show-slides and squeeze them into three boxes, then store the Open House New York weekend slides in one of the metal boxes to empty my ten-tray array for the first time in ages. Still not got the third HRW check, though the NEXT phase of Middle School math will start TODAY when I get the first six chapters of book 1 of three books for six indexes, three for SE, three for TE, supposedly done by CHRISTMAS, when Edgardo and Marina will visit for seven days from December 27-January 3. Busy, busy, busy! Only twenty days in November to do the supposedly five museum visits, but when I tried phoning Charles to see if he's interested in tonight or in museums, his line is busy. Try again and he's in TERRIBLE shape from being jerked around by the phone company, who says they're not responsible for his non-working Verizon-furnished fire-alarm system, and he's waiting for another call about some housing-related matter, so will call me back at 4:30 if he's able to see the Garbo Kiss at 5:30. Watched the end of the Washington Gala and the 1.5 hour Verdi Defiant Requiem staged in Terezin Concentration Camp last night, then a one-hour comedy program this morning with breakfast, leaving the 1.5 hour Steve Martin tribute for later. Mildred calls and says this is the LAST day for the Science show in Grand Central, and she'd spend an hour or two there, so I try calling Charles and his phone just RINGS! Might at least catalog my North Korean stamps before lunch and going out after finishing this page. HIP papers still piling up while I debate writing one huge historical letter throwing EVERYTHING into it: Yellowstone helicopter flight charge, more money to Melanie? Why isn't this ALL payable by insurance since it was ALL ONE THING? How long do I have to wait for the dust to settle before RESOLVING this and getting my $885 back? Then the TV thing is still pending, Marty's changed his display so there are NO current VHSs available to view, only DVDs, which I can't play now! Got groceries yesterday, too, and picked up my prescription and I've still got FORMS to fill out---LOTS to do!

SATURDAY, 12/3/05: 7:20AM: DID lots over the past few days, but first decide to catch up with notes from the PREVIOUS MONTH here: 1) Tuesday's Russia-China slides went well, and I've even gotten eight or nine people here to see them Wednesday night the 14th, so I'll be able to put THOSE away at last, the next show not until February 28! 2) GOT the Carousel part and took it in to Foto-Care, but they called in a few days to say I needed to get MORE of the part for them to be able to install it. Put the part that I got back on the "to-do top" near my bed, where it still rests, though I hope to call one of the hardware places and GET the connected piece and HAVE Foto-Care complete it AT LAST. 3) GOT all four $4000+ HRW checks but not yet the $1600 supplement, which I NEED to complete the $25,000 Ridgewood deposit sometime this month. 4) Spent a LOT of time with stamps, getting them nicely organized, FINDING the US #1 on Thanksgiving Day to my GREAT joy, but have to take two catalogs back on Monday and possibly re-get Volumes 1 and 4 (if they're there) to complete want-lists of prices I've made up for them, rather than taking the lists to the library and doing them there. 5) Saw The Kiss with Charles and sat through most of the "science" show at Grand Central, which wasn't much, but I DID it! 6) The museuming is going quite well: a) Went to the Met on Friday, the crowded day after Thanksgiving, and pigged out on 12 segments: i) Clouet to Seurat drawings from London 10:30-11:20, ii) Curator's Eye stumbled across 11:25-11:35, iii) Calatrava great 11:40-12:20, with good objects and VERY sexy guys I wanted to follow around for the rest of the day, iv) American Drawing 12:20-12:25 that I don't even remember now---yes, one of those mezzanine rooms at the sides of the Modern floors, v) Klee landscapes at the OTHER mezzanine room, and I DO like some of his stuff, 12:25-12:30, vi) Photos of Occult, a kick, 12:40-1:15, vii) Pearls of the Parrot on the third floor Indian section for great illumination-miniatures from Indian Boccaccio-like tales, viii) Lunch jammed but comfortable 1:40-2:10 in preparation for meeting Sherryl and going to the ix) Fra Angelico 2:30-3:20, exhaustive and exhausting, and x) Prague 3:30-4:30, which Sherryl complained about: "It's all RELIQUARIES, which I hadn't expected," xi) bus 4:54-5:36 past darkening park and bare Rockefeller Christmas tree, and xii) subway 5:40-6. b) Went alone to the Library on Tuesday for ANOTHER exhausting 3 hours, 11:30-2:30, broken by a one-hour tour 12:30-1:30, for colorful and detailed Bibles, Psalters, and Books of Hours and "science" books and illuminations, highly recommendable. c) Wednesday alone to the Frick for the Memling, 20 great portraits, a very RICH-looking crowd, a cruise through their somewhat dowdy permanent collection, and couldn't resist buying the $43.34 book (which they had to order for me to pick up later) of ALL his paintings and many of like-detailed contemporaries. d) Yesterday with Charles and Sherryl to the Russia exhibit at the Guggenheim, which I characterized as being the "Triumph of Publicity over Quality," since I kept rushing ahead of them from 12:30-3:30 for the mediocre display of icons, old portraits, Socialist Realism in the basement, and some nice gym-bods in the modernistic part, not to mention faggots in the Pirate TV that I watched after they left. Again bus and subway home, this time past the light-spangled tree dimmed by the tour bus that drew across my line of vision as our bus passed it. Today it's the Philadelphia nude production with a MAN-bus of Grin and Bare It, for which I have to shower and have breakfast in the next hour before meeting the bus at 34th and 7th at 9:30 for early obtaining of a hopefully single window seat. My call to HIP yesterday may actually bring RESULTS, and I sorted through the to-do pile to remind me that I GOT the Schwab IRA/Keogh handling forms, and lots of other things to catch up with now, as well as the Christmas cards (already updated my engagement calendar for 2006) and the dread of the NOTEBOOK-transcribing before 1/1/06. Now the only museums left (which Charles agreed to next week) are MoMA for the Redon and then the Dahesh, followed by the Met after 12/13 for the Antonella da Messina and others, and Tristan comes on Tuesday to talk about my website! Beard on Monday, my bills finally appearing balanced, so THAT's off my desk for now!

TUESDAY, 12/13/05, 9AM: Decide this will be "A Day of Doing," and start a note with 1) 8:40AM: Clean bathroom comb, 2) 8:50AM: Check e-mail (and get "thanks" from Edgardo), 3) 9AM: Type dream and notebook, with MANY more to come. Noted on dream note: got up to pee and looked at time/temperature outside to find three readings: "2:24, 24°F, -4°C." Yesterday I 1) worked on two indexes, 2) returned four stamp catalogs, 3) mailed 6 Xmas cards (though one "birthday card" to Rita), 4) threw out all iDine stuff to replace it with Ridgewood CD stuff, 5) got rid of piles of mail, 6) went to the gym, 7) returned the second HRW contract and first of four new invoices, 8) played Spider for a couple hours, but not as effectively as my TWELVE consecutive wins at 10:50PM on Sunday, 9) ate a late dinner while finishing the New York Times Magazine, the last thing to read, 10) tried a few more pages of The End of Time, which I think is VERY badly written, and 11) got to bed at 10PM. Started Actualism and got to sleep fairly quickly, but got up at 12:40AM to note a dream [DREAMS:12/13/05] and pee, and then got BACK into Actualism, but could NOT get back to sleep. Conjured up VERY fond memories of my greatest sex-tricks: 1) Louis L., 2) Al J., 3) Nye W., 4) firsts of John A., 5) firsts of Dennis S., 6) Jim A., 7) Rolf H., 8) Warren S. (mainly for oddness), 9) John C., 10) Arthur M., 11) Fitz in Camp Santa Maria, 12) CAN'T think of the IBM SRI guy's name (Carl S.!), 13) Barlow W., 14) Gerry G., 15) the Philadelphia guy who changed his name (Bruce T.), 16) the younger Paul C., 17) Edgardo C., 18) John B. (blond from 148 Willow), 19) Fred C., 20) Charles D., 21) Len E., 22) Gilles D., 23) HAVE address card for Randy M., on Washington Place, the dynamite guy CHARLES remembered and I DIDN'T (not that I had SEX with him!), 24) Rick W. from Ohio. Cull address book to get these, counting that I have 143 items in the book and 376 (including one page of the larger format) items removed from the book, and at 10:30 stop for BREAKFAST! Also thought of a "ZolnerVerse" way of organizing my website that I thought I'd print up and send to Tristan. Call Sylvania at 11AM, move the TV into the bedroom and find that the roof antenna works, though poorly, lemon-dust the table and plant stand, soaking the tin to clear off the crud, and change the toilet seat for the one I found in the garbage room, cleaning off two years of crud from the sides of the toilet bowl. Clean the east-side cabinet mirrors, eat lunch, and get back to this at 3:15, the "organized" day totally unorganized, as I phone the gym to get rates for John, and call Sylvania back at 2PM to get a part number for a RadioShack lead-pad that might help. Talk to Spartacus and Bill P. on the phone, say no to a Watson-Guptill index, stupidly order three years of New York magazine (which Visa insists it must honor because I ORDERED it, but might call back in 2-3 days to get a phone number to CANCEL the order) for $89.70, when I paid just over $35 for TWO years! Now figure I've GOT to finish and send the SE8 index! Do that until 4PM, feeling oddly dizzy and/or nauseous, which leads me to lie down until 5PM, when I go down for the mail, wash dishes, scour the bathroom sink, put the plants back, and finally finish all the rest (5) of the Christmas cards with the 37¢ stamps that will soon need 2¢ supplements for the price-rise sometime in January! Glad I didn't get 60¢ and 80¢ stamps to complicate matters. Lots done, but still lots to do, agreeing to meet Spartacus tomorrow at 1:35 for a matinee of King Kong before slides tonight, having also invited the opinionated Leigh, Stephanie's friend, who might make out number NINE for the slide show! Took a sleeping pill when I woke at 2:20AM and couldn't get back to sleep by 3:20, fuming over Visa's refusal to cancel my New York order. MUST call them BACK! Finish this 10AM Wednesday, ready for an early breakfast.

FRIDAY, 12/16/05: 8:26AM: Finish typing dream [DREAMS:12/16/05] with LOTS to do today: 1) go to gym, 2) see Met Museum for last "unbusy day" of Van Gogh drawings, 3) phone for Games Group if subways continue running, 4) phone Sherryl to see if she wants to come to Museum, or mail her Christmas card, 5) send off HIP form, 6) check phone number of New York renewal to cancel it, 7) send first HRW invoice, 8) and replace the drape which just fell with a clang, strewing CDs over the floor from the broken-open case holding the curtain-end down, and 9) lots of OTHER things I don't know now.