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2007 january thru may

MONDAY, 1/1/07: 11:44AM: Korean meal with Ken, finally putting something on my AmEx card since Palmyras has closed!, then sharing a Lambic at his place after listening to a boring half-hour of Howell's String Quartet, then home to play Spider and decide to go OUT for the fireworks, which was perfect, since they were duds that NYC decided to show halfway between Manhattan and New Jersey for some obscure reason, but the Promenade was uncrowded (except for raucous caws from New Year's Eve horns!) and it only lasted from 12:01-12:08AM. Back for more Spider, hitting a new record of 48.81419 at 2:30AM, getting to sleep after 3AM, lying comfortably until 11:07, getting up and watch my watch spell out 11:11:11 on 1/1, and am just combing my hair after that when the phone rings and it's Paul C., celebrating lots of champagne with his family and foie gras and his free phone calls, saying he'll surely be in NYC, which he dearly loves, this year. Great. Shave (leftover task from yesterday) and pluck ear-hairs, change the calendar to 2007, put away the AmEx stack, leaving just SIX: 1) website, 2) Pinnacle, 3) Budapest single-supplement insurance, 4) Schwab, 5) United frequent-flyer miles, and 6) replacing the note, the actual DATEBOOK to be transcribed. Now for breakfast, watching TV taped from last night, and then the gym and Fred's party at 6PM with my gift of the last of Paul's champagne gift to me. Now the new year starts as I finish this at 11:50AM.

TUESDAY, 1/2/07: 10:07AM: Should be feeling good, but having drunk at least five glasses of champagne and a small glass of wine at Fred's yesterday, I still feel that I'm recovering from too much alcohol. Day started poorly when I wanted to watch the 3 hours of Everest that I'd taped after the hour of Balanchine's troupe in Russia in 2003, but it cut off after two minutes. At first I was concerned that "something was wrong," but then I remembered that I'd first set up my recording for 62 minutes, then changed the settings on the cable box for four hours, but forget to increase the Panasonic schedule by the added three hours, so the machines did exactly what I erroneously told them to do. Thought I'd recorded details from the last few days, but just checked DREAMS and I didn't do it there, so I guess I just told Spartacus about them: having dinner at the Korean restaurant with Ken, drinking two half-bottles of herb-flavored and raspberry wine, then going to Ken's to listen to Howell's String Quartet (I'm SURE I typed this somewhere!) for 32 minutes and sharing a bottle of Lambic instead of a bottle of champagne, then coming home and playing Spider until 11:45PM, when I go out and greet the guy at the desk with a Happy New Year for the third time, to the Promenade, where the fireworks are between the tip of Manhattan and Liberty Island, so very distant and not too impressive visually, and they only last from 12:01AM to 12:08AM. Back to play more Spider, hearing individual shots from Pier 17 around 12:30AM, and establish a new record (I KNOW I typed this before!; check back to find I'd put 1/1/07 BEFORE 12/28/06, which is why I couldn't find it when I checked back just a bit before; so I move it here, maybe typing that twice; what a mess!). Fred's party was nice: I thought I was getting there late at 6:30 but there were only about six people there, and it only had about 25 at its peak, only two of the 14 or so women he'd invited showing up, and he appreciated my two bottles of Paul's champagne, I had a nice talk with Gregory and Michael from the Caribbean cruise, giving them both my cards since they joked I hadn't phoned them at all, nor had they phoned me, and I panic that Gregory and Fred are going to southern Chile, but with only one day at Puerto Chambuco, or a place like that, it hardly seems they're touring the Torres del Paine, and Fred DOES assure me that we'll take that trip together in 2008. So I don't have to worry about crowding in a cruise February 13-28, which would jeopardize my next Heights-Hill slide-show and starting my March 1 Japan trip. Michael drives me home, which is very nice, as was finding that the A-train gets me to the confusing neighborhood where I have to remember to get off the BACK of the train to be closer to Fred's. Take aspirin, sleep to 9:30AM today, and finish this at 10:25AM, ready to print page and start Ford's death-day.

SHARON B. 11     1/3/07

I leave early and get there early, not wanting to be late like last time, and she comes out probably before 5PM, and I start venting about the disappointment of asking FOURTEEN people to a slide-show at which only THREE showed up, including the "guest of honor," who said he hadn't seen the KENTANZ slides when he HAD. We laugh about it, she saying it's good I can say what I feel, and I quickly bring up the idea (before I forget it) that when I catch up with EVERYTHING, I sometimes get a COLD, and we conclude with the thought that since "everything I do, my Taskmaster says I should get something out of it" (which came up when I said I felt the usual frustrated sadness when copying movie titles from as little as a few WEEKS ago about which I remember absolutely NOTHING, so it was a "waste of time," and why would I bother to waste my time like that, though of course everyone admits that it would be impossible to PRE-JUDGE which movies [or ANYTHING] will be worthwhile and which won't), when I have a cold I can permit myself to do nothing and not castigate myself because of it. Also brought up the idea that the indexing business might REALLY be dead, admitting that the heavy-medical books to be indexed haven't been around for a number of years ALREADY, and Marj is down to one company and I'm down to two, though I was happy to get a Christmas greeting from Jenny W. of Springer, one of my two best companies. Tell her about talking with Marj about the reorganization of Watson-Guptill, without mentioning the name, who might not have any books to index in the future, and Sharon says, "How can they put out books without indexes?" And I completely agree. But I repeat our observation that we've thought for YEARS it might be the end of our careers, and my huge textbook series come in only every two or three years, so I know my name is still out there for THOSE, and maybe in the next two months we'll find that it's business as usual. But I DO insist that I'd said it was OK if I never get another job, and it's true, though I'll miss the structuring of my time. DO mention getting back to the website work, which can become all-encompassing if I let myself get into it, but that it represents another $1000 a month that I have to spend for Tris's help, which will mount up if nothing's coming in. Though last year seemed to mark a profit with only $18,000 income. Mention that it's still a long time before my next trip, and I don't build up anxiety about a coming trip if I've just HAD a lot of trips, since everything's gone OK to now, so there's no reason why that should change. Mentioned my thought about the possibility that Actualism did a BAD thing in separating the mental, emotional, and sensory bodies, but we both reassured each other that we DO put it back together at the end and integrate them. I'd admitted to ALWAYS being centered in the mental, but now I've started saying "Yes" to other people's restaurant choices (Ken), movie and play choices (Spartacus), and museum dates (Sherryl tomorrow) and feel good about THAT new freedom. Admitted that a number of times in the last few weeks I actually FELT GOOD, and it stemmed partly from these sessions and partly from "just getting things DONE," and that it felt good to be able to say that. She kept complimenting me on my insights and integrations as they are, and at one point I said that I USED to plan out what topics to talk about, but I've found that just "letting go" was good, reiterating my benefit of realizing I not so much feared REJECTION, but feared my NOT HAVING READ the person correctly. That applied to anything that "went wrong": had I not planned well enough in advance, or in enough detail? But working with Schwab, even with my "Schwab One check" goof, was heartening because they WORKED WITH me. Talked about the B.s possibly knowing her, and she took down the 2/13 date, saying it might be better if she showed up in the afternoon, on neutral turf, rather than in my apartment. Christine is "the other social worker,” whose job sometimes overlaps, and Sharon would probably recognize the B.s, and St. Charles could USE a good entertainment component, which I might be able to add. I said I even felt good getting all THIS off my chest: good session! (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 12)

THURSDAY, 1/4/07: 8:28AM: Did a DYNAMITE Actualism session in which, for over two hours, I played with the idea that not only could an orgasm be PHYSICAL, but it might be EMOTIONAL or even MENTAL, and I felt that with enough energy ANYTHING would be possible, even shifting ever-so-slightly out of THIS dimension into a PARTIAL dimension, or EXTRA dimension, vanishingly close to the four I now know, where extrasensory perception was housed, or where it WOULD be possible to have a breakthrough equivalent to the "brink" and "edge" of a physical orgasm, where I'd either emotionally or mentally get to ANOTHER, HIGHER, level of sensation and feeling and thought, maybe the dimension of out-of-body experience, where the marginally only-thought-possible would become ACTUALITY at a new level of experience. With discipline I finished the Actualism session, then got up to jerk off, in rather mediocre fashion I must admit, but I succeeded in HAVING a physical orgasm without wrecking my genital apparatus in a way that would show when I go to the gym early today before going to the Metropolitan Museum to meet Sherryl at noon. Lots of things on my desk "on the brink" of being handled: 1) the sale of EOP, where the COMPANY seems to have read my mind that I wanted to get rid of the 4% interest Internotes due 1/15/09, with a current yield of only 4.11914% compared with the 4.69% if the money were exclusively in Schwab Cash Reserves. And to handle it, I phone NOW at 8:34AM, just to see if I can DO it without charge by phone. Matthew B. in Indianapolis sounds VERY new at the job, but it seems by 8:57AM he's put my acceptance in, for a fee of $39, and I should get the $17000 at the LATEST in a few months, since he seemed to say EOP has to wait until FEBRUARY 8 to process the whole schmear. 2) CVS prescriptions, available at noon (assuming that's 12PM) today, OK by 9:02AM. 3) Now to breakfast. Remembered later my thought to TRY some of the food services for a month or so, as a means of reducing without cooking myself. Had breakfast, went to the gym after calling Sherryl and making our meeting ("Perfect," she exclaimed when I phoned about it) 12:30, and left right away to see the crappy Sean Scully Wall of Light before meeting Sherryl for German portraits, lunch, Tiffany, then the Amber display, and home to read the mail and play Spider to new record by 11:40PM, hungry for dinner.

FRIDAY, 1/5/07: 7:35PM: Waited until it started raining hard to go out and do my three errands of the day: 1) pick up my CVS prescription, to later find it was only ONE of the two and I was charged MORE than I should have been, so I now have TWO tasks to add rather than accomplishing anything, 2) took out my laundry, 3) paid my Visa bill at Citibank. 4) Phoned Trip-Mate and Sara said that NOW she'd put me on the rush-reply list. 5) Printed both the 2007 LIFELIST and the individual lists, now resigning myself to looking over THREE lists rather than printing out a cumulative 2000-2006 book. 6) Debated phoning the Mystic guy, but decided to wait for next week. 7) Cashed in $3885 for my Schwab One, finding that the Keogh distribution didn't get there yet, and phone Kevin M., who says that I have to fax the form a THIRD time: they don't have it from 1/3! So glad that I started this EARLY! And then reading the mail TODAY I find that the DWS quote of $6172.73 was my mistake: I'd rounded the REAL $6171.73 to $6172, and then used $6172.73 when I "added the cents." Oh well. Desk still loaded with stuff, 8) Phoned Fred to thank him for the great 3-day itinerary at the Torres del Paine, and they DO seem to be inland, at least the park is. 9) Got a Christmas card from Jean-Jacques which evened my 2006 cards at 36/36, still not having heard from the M.s or the S.s, or Bill, for that matter. 10) Go down for the mail after watching Prime Suspect 7, Spartacus says "only 5 minutes" for the final interview patently WRONG when I backspace TWENTY minutes and it was STILL cut off! Spartacus made five reservations for restaurant week, I never bothered to call Sherryl back about them though she said she wanted me to, and Susan will be here the last two days also. 60º today and Spartacus says it's supposed to go up to SEVENTY tomorrow. Global warming indeed! And finish this page at 7:47PM: I can print!

SUNDAY, 1/7/07: 6:15PM: Had a lovely day yesterday, despite qualms about going alone on such an adventure, but took Spartacus's advice (after he and Sherryl and Charles refused to join me) and looked at the Brooklyn bus map to see that I could go to the corner of Jay and Sands to get the B67 which would take me to the start of the B68 route to Stillwell Avenue at Coney Island. Just missed the 12:45PM bus, so I had to wait the full half-hour for the 1:15, which left a few minutes early, and then waited the full 8 minutes for the 1:48 B68, which left me off about 2:40 a block from Nathan's, where I waited on line until 3 for a frank with onions (which obliterated the frank), a small fries with cheese and bacon (which filled me up), and a medium lemonade that seemed pretty big, coming to $7.64, not cheap. Eat outside, pee inside, walk to the pier to look down on, and later pet, a year-old otter, then watch the sunset, which leaves at exactly 4:44:30 without a green flash, and continue down to Brighton Beach 2nd Place and pass Primorsky, and can't find any other, so go in about 5:30 and have chicken Kiev and a beer that mysteriously comes to $22 with tip, though the Kiev was only $12, butter just grand. Home to finish the two puzzles I couldn't finish in the morning, finish the rest of the Times, and get to bed about 12:40AM after Spider gets to new record of 48.86665 after 4 wins, falling into the pattern of NOT accepting the first 2-win but thinking the game is "ready" for better, and it usually IS. Up at 8, get the paper, have breakfast, water plants, go to desk to play Spider to a NEW record of 48.89006 after 4 wins at 12:50PM, just 12 hours and 10 minutes after last record. Start sorting through things on desk, filing AIDS in a printer-box in the closet when I can't find what I THINK is a huge stash of AIDS stuff somewhere or other, go to the gym, call Carolyn after e-mailing her the last of my New Year's letters, play a sudoku, record dreams [DREAMS:1/6/07], talk to Ken about India, which, when he buys books, turns out to be best in December-March, and he's NOW talking about the possibility of the Baltic States in June if he can't find someone to go to Barcelona with him then. Call Shelley to tell her about it, but her line's been busy. I'm weighing 206 on the gym scale but I'm always HUNGRY!! STILL no Keogh RMD in my Schwab One, and find that they didn't send me a new I401(k) from 12/20/06 yet. Two Schwab calls to make tomorrow, as well as picking up the Zetia prescription and getting groceries and calling Mystic guy. Always something, and STILL have gotten NO IRS forms in the mail, which Sherryl and Spartacus HAVE already. Make a note to nail up the two fallen shelves in the living room, always noticeable, never handled.

TUESDAY, 1/9/07: 10AM: Entered today with a WONDERFUL feeling that most things are happening RIGHT NOW, rather than a) waiting for a backlog to be finished, or b) being absorbed in ONE all-consuming activity. Many examples: 1) Travel, 2) Household tasks, 3) Schwab business. 1) Travel has two forms: a) the United letter opened 12/3/06 that says I'll lose 54,542 miles by 3/31/07 if I don't do something. Finally thought: i) Maybe Aruba-Bonaire-Curacao, but clerk in India could find only Aruba, via Philadelphia, for 35,000 miles and Dutch Antilles Express for inter-island touring. Complicated. ii) Maybe the Guianas, so I phoned Paul and he said primarily French, maybe January-end, but does United fly there? and can I quick-trip to other two in a week? iii) Do I really WANT frequent-flyer miles to dominate my life? Maybe GIVE them away? iv) Spartacus isn't going to Hawaii, maybe only England, may use them? v) Shelley can't use them, doesn't want to take so long for Baltic States. Which brings me to second form: b) Ken's waffling on his summer trip. Only one response from Sundowners (is THAT the name?), so maybe HE will want the Baltics with me in the summer, and HE phones this morning, when I tell him to bring his India book to the Beard tonight so I can skim it for three-star places before returning it to him Thursday at Rose of Persia, in preparation for our maybe-next-spring India trip. Ongoing. 2) Household tasks: A) Started day as usual i) straightening bedclothes; ii) eating breakfast while reading Scientific American (with great quotes from cancer-virus article: Evolution didn't aim for a long happy life, it emphasized new generations by a) making the fetus battle the mother for nutrients and resources, b) postponing cancer to the end of life, when the old can no longer reproduce); iii) finishing first National Geographic issue by a) ripping Dubai article entire from the bindings, b) noting new shortness of articles, c) article about guys going overland in dark to North Pole evaluating "doing" versus "thinking" about life, d) throwing most of magazine away; iv) thinking, "I've got to wash dishes, but first I've got to type day-page"; v) looking at piles denoting things to do. B) Wondered why isn't my Express Mail being billed? C) Still got to get groceries and pick up missing CVS prescription. D) The guy from Mystic actually phoned ME yesterday and said he'd call Wednesday to arrange coming here Thursday afternoon. E) Steve H. calls to talk about his great almost three-week vacation and says he won't be at Pool Party tomorrow. F) Ken mentions the optional-activity form also on my desk to be sent to High Country Passage. G) Should phone United again to find what PARTNER transaction might satisfy my save-miles requirement. H) Two DVDs and a tape on desk to return to Spartacus; maybe ask HIM to check my fax? I) Phone Gay Center for 1/17 walking tour. J) By finishing National Geographic and reading Scientific American with breakfast, my bathroom reading-stack is finally down to a manageable one New York and one New Yorker, to be increased today, probably, by one more of each. K) Set up TV for tonight and pee for the fourth time today! L) Spartacus doesn't have a working fax machine. M) Dust the black shelf-storage cabinet shelves for the first time in ages. N) While dishes are in water (and I cut my knuckle under microwave in cleaning shelf), Shelley calls, I fax, and she GETS it, with cover page that gives my name and phone number, at 11:40AM. O) Take out magazines, as I took out garbage, cans, and bottles yesterday. P) Phone High Country with three preferences. Q) Get call from Trip-Mate, my claim for insurance has been refused! Decide to just let it go. 3) Schwab business: a) Maybe my fax DOESN'T work: phone Shelley to test it, but she's not answering now, b) Maybe I should just MAIL form? c) Debate taking George H. at his word and WRITING check for $13,000, depending on him to cancel whatever interest charges a loan would produce. Most elaborate outline clarified above by making some a) b) c) into A) B) C). Decide to do dishes now at 10:50AM. Catch up at 5PM, having not YET written the $13,000 check, but figure retirement will get to me SOMETIME??

WEDNESDAY, 1/10/07: 11:35AM: Retirement didn't get to me. Picked up Zetia for $20, so have to phone HIP about Proscar at $46, unless---and I check the formulary and find that it'll go down to $10 if I change Proscar to finasteride, so I phone CVS, saying I thought I'd DONE that, and they ask if I opened the bottle, I said no, they said bring it back for exchange! They say to call them back to check when I can come in. Then try, getting nothing, try a phone round-robin that FINALLY lets me apply for a Mileage Plus Visa, which gives 20,000 miles with first purchase, if I keep it for 6 months, and $60/year fee is waived the first year! AND that will let me keep my miles! Call Arnold about using "translate" for the Russian Titof Google third site, and get back to this at 1:35PM---TWO HOURS for those small tasks!!! Before 11AM I'd had breakfast, finishing another magazine, and updated the 4 sorted trip-lists for the Atlas, now that I know what the Budapest trip cost, and came to this to print out the last trip-page, but never finished. Back now at 6:15PM after a busy day of taking in the $13,000 check and finding it'll take 5 business days to clear, by Thursday the 18th, and I make a snide remark about the bank getting all that good interest before it gets to my account, Raquel assuring me I'll have no trouble getting 130 $100 bills when I withdraw it in cash on Thursday. Before that; CVS put through a $21 bill for finasteride that I said should be $10, and the clerk said some kind of coding was off, and I got it for $10! Shelley called---about "Professor Will Jumper" that she wrote to Vicki M. about in 1987---just before my going to Sharon, a good session as below!

SHARON B. 12    1/10/07

She'd phoned yesterday to permanently change my appointment to 5:15PM, which I said was good because now I could go to the gym "at the latest" at 3:30 and still be out in time to get to her, not possible for a 5PM appointment. Started with irritability, and she said, "I'll have to write that word down," and I talk about irritability with Spartacus on the phone, remedied by my saying, "You think I'm boring," when he keeps talking about what meals he makes for himself; with Mildred so that I'm relieved we're not doing Restaurant Week this year for the first time in ages, though Sharon comes up with a good phrase (which of course I've forgotten!) like "Oh, let's talk about something else for a change." Talk more about Spartacus, what a GOOD friend he is: telling about events, buying tickets for me, sharing videos with me, and how he acknowledges his luck in being healthy and industrious at 77, but has even begun complimenting ME on things that I mention to him (couldn't think of it for Sharon; but now remember his congratulating me on taking off on my own on new bus routes to Coney Island and enjoying my two meals there on my own), and I say maybe some of my good points are rubbing off on him. The focus of this evening seems to be my childhood as a "co-parent" at 12, having to take care of my sister, housework, cooking, responsibilities that I couldn't get away from even though I might have wanted to, forcing me to not make mistakes, to think ahead, to control events and myself. I couldn't contradict my mother or the nuns or priests who taught me, and my father was largely absent. I cited my LSD sessions as a pivotal freeing point: I could be more free with my body, more free to say I loved someone and to hear someone say they loved me without getting uptight about it, and recalled some lonely times at the start in NYC when I thought I had few friends and had to read or go in movies to pass my time without being with someone. "Maybe I was too demanding, or too narrow, or too shy," but she insisted that it was part of what I was used to in my childhood: having to be in control and not being able to make a mistake. I talked about the times I "spoke very loudly" in a bank when too many tellers weren't helping the long line waiting for them, or the times I unfortunately cursed at someone on the phone, or had them say I should stop screaming at them when I was only asserting myself. She seemed to conclude that since I couldn't assert myself in Akron---and she praised me for leaving as early as I could---I found it hard to assert myself in NYC. I said that I always felt I had to smooth rocky places in relationships, excuse others for doing something wrong, citing Brideshead Revisited as Jeremy Irons would OBSERVE frictions among the Flyte family members but not ADVISING or BUTTING in as I felt I'd always had to do: I could CARE but I didn't have to EXCUSE them to themselves. She seemed impressed with this, saying what a relief it must have been to me to find I didn't have to control everyone in every relationship I encountered. Mentioned the smooth body of the guy in the steam room, the goodness of getting 20,000 miles for getting a Visa card to preserve my 55,000 frequent-flyer miles, and going to the MAN pool tonight, where Robert might not be there, Steve won't be there, but the pool will feel good in the coldness outside, and I'll be relating to other people, and how good that I feel comfortable in taking off my clothes, which I'd gotten accustomed to doing in the baths, then at Aureon's nude encounter workshops, and now at MAN, when I'm not as pretty as I used to be, but I can feel free---mentioning Shelley's description of her cousin's teaching pre-kindergarteners fingerpainting with their bare feet, or hands on bodies, undressing to diapers, hugging and kissing and bodywork to free their still-3-4-year-old bodies: progress! Sharon compliments me AGAIN on how she likes listening to me, how intelligent and observant I am of myself and people around me, as I AGAIN say how good it feels to able to TALK about all these things; and then it's 6:02PM and she has me sign a form from HIP for her to get paid, and compliments their promptness, and I take more of her Russian chocolates, 3 in all, on the way out. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 13) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 11)

SUNDAY, 1/14/07: 12:43PM: Getting lots of things done over the past few days: 1) Fixed two shelves, which found me the Pan Am trip-book that I'd looked for 1/9 and couldn't find (and the United pile is still there, waiting for my credit card to preserve my miles). 2) Sent a letter to Ombudsman at Condé Nast Traveler to try to get back my shared-supplement (and the Budapest pile is still there, waiting for that response). 3) Re-sent the memo re dashes to Tris again, and he hasn't called back yet about how it looks, so THAT's on the top of the website pile. 4) Watched videos and DVDs but still have much to watch, which I'll do after I finish this, while having lunch. 5) Started emptying my desk file-drawer, a) making new space next to the credit-card slips for 2006 and 2007 slips, b) leaving Souvenirs and Letters-save files on the floor for the emptying of the 4-drawer file cabinet, c) making a note to empty Schwab One/IRA/Keogh files, d) making my 2006 IRS listings of bills and expenses and leaving THAT stack on the table to handle as other forms come in, and e) listing my travel-files locations and noting them against the numbered-trip list, finding the old AIDS file and putting it all into a printer-box in the far-mirrored cabinet. 5) Talked to Spartacus who doesn't want my old Go-video with one slot that doesn't work, so I can throw it out, and put Bob L.'s Go-video with both slots that work in its place. Now hungry for lunch at 12:55PM, having eaten breakfast just before 8AM, finishing the Sunday Times.

MONDAY, 1/15/07: 11:20AM: Finished the last of the tapes and DVDs to be watched on my stack, filed the Letters-save file and the Souvenirs file before Carolyn showed up for steak dinner last night, bringing a CD of ZolnerZone that I can actually transfer between but can't change. Tris still hasn't called, so I don't feel like working on the website. Debate jerking off almost every morning but haven't gotten around to it yet. Ran out of T-shirts to wear and debated putting getting more on a list, but don't feel like it. Did Spider already this morning, bypassed the temptation to do sudoku after watching TV, as I resisted making popcorn during the last of the movie, which inexplicably got FIVE stars in Ken's movie book. Guess I just have to uproot the old files in the 4-drawer cabinet to see what I can get rid of. Ended up making popcorn while watching, intermittently, the Golden Globes and the much more interesting Jonestown: Paradise Lost. Get ready for bed early but get out of bed to brew a half-cup of "medium" ayahuasca tea at 11:47PM. Sit reading in bathrobe and no real reaction by 12:27AM, 40 minutes later. Back to bed and can't sleep, so I'm up at 1:33AM to try j/o, cumming mediocrely by 2:10 and watch Poker After Dark to 2:50, to no discernible effect, not even tired. To sleep after 3AM, when Actualism sends me off, having barely started it.

TUESDAY, 1/16/07: 1PM: Woke at 7:20AM, feeling unwell, and back to bed after shitting, up just before 10AM, feeling OK, put out what turned out to be only TWO feet of papers from the Black and the White filing cabinets, mostly material for the Indexing Handbook, some old cruising material, and lots of old indexing records, sending Sylvia W.'s resume to Marj, whom I called yesterday and with whom I talk for probably over an hour. Transcribe dream [DREAMS:1/16/07] and this note, ready to tackle updating Schwab account-papers both for filing and for tax purposes---and also have to mail estimated tax-forms today. Mail letters and get groceries and have lunch and COINCIDENCE! Mildred calls about Restaurant Week on the DAY I have "Fill Restaurant Week" on my daily list! She's willing to make the calls, and doesn't seem offended that Spartacus has dated me up on five slots. 6:20PM: ASTOUNDING figure: I totaled my Schwab and my HSBC checks for 2006 and came up with $81,074.92!!! But then thought about it: $30,000 for travel, $10,000 for housing, $10,000 for Tris roughly, $10,000 (actually, more) for taxes and estimated, so that's $20,000 for 164 non-travel days, or about $120/day, which sounds about right, which Mildred and Shelley, when I called them in panic, agreed with me. Beard $75 for $125!

WEDNESDAY, 1/17/07: [These three days reconstructed on 6/18/07, page somehow never printed!] SAGE walk-tour of Time Warner, the Art League on 57th, and the new Hearst waterfall-lobby starts at 10:30, ending with lunch at Old Castle Pub on 55th, across from the new London Hotel, and the guy whose name I’ve now forgotten sits across from me and I rather like him.

SHARON B. 13                         1/17/07

Forgotten now, lost with not-printed old pages. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 14) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 12) (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 14)

THURSDAY, 1/18/07: My $13,000 is ready for check-writing! 2:20PM first snow of season, but it stops at 2:30, then restarts at 2:40. How pleased I am to be able to watch this from my 20th floor aerie. Spider all day, and Beard #300 tonight, a lobster harvest with Ken for $125.

FRIDAY, 1/19/07: 8:30AM: Sent my Annie L. e-mail to Ken, with her response, and checked above to see that I DID mention my "not remembering ENT reason.” Checked two restaurants on my list for lunch after Taschen-meeting with Charles at 10:45AM. Feel SOMEWHAT rested today after 8.5 hours sleep, enjoying looking out at the SNOW scattered on car-tops and grass/dirt areas below. Desk still loaded with Schwab stuff, and should call IRS to order forms NOW.

TUESDAY, 1/23/07: 12:18PM: Weekend was depressing: didn't go to gym on Saturday, delayed it to Sunday. Watched lots of TV: Rome and Ken's movies, did lots of Spider, even when it wasn't much fun. Didn't call IRS, didn't even record dreams Saturday until this noon. Schwab One accounts sitting on desk the whole time, barely getting through mail-putaway. Went to mediocre The Little Dog Laughed with Charles for $48.75 when we could have gotten second-balcony seats for $26.25, dining early at not-bad Pigalle. Ken and I decided to take the August Mir trip to the Balkans, and I might have made a mistake by Visa-ing my $500 deposit before deciding on insurance, which I e-mailed New York Times Q&A to try to get website for annual travel insurance. While asking for the Internet-money book for proofing to get a free copy of it, as recommended by Carolyn, who has no idea when she'll start proofreading, and it'll be expensive. Tris called Sunday about my sending a memo with "seven kinds of hyphens to see which I like the look of on the site," and I haven't done it yet. Printed out the last Dream page [DREAMS:1/23/07], which I'd forgotten to, and want to have lunch before Norma Shearer slides at 2PM, Spartacus having canceled Metrazur because they had NO reservations for him when he checked whether it was this Wednesday or next Wednesday, but at least I won't be having a Restaurant Week lunch before Beard on Wednesday! Now, sadly, more Spider before lunch.


WEDNESDAY, 1/24/07: 9:20AM: Having written my elaborate dream [DREAMS:1/24/07], I lay back in bed with a stew/storm/fugue of ideas: 1) That was the type of dream I'd have during a trip which would keep me typing in foreign bathrooms for an hour. 2) I was reminded of the old idea of being "recorded" by aliens, so that a) my non-understanding readings of books like Gravitation and Kant would be "received" with gratitude by "beings not in form" who would appreciate my transmission with an understanding I didn't have, making it worthwhile for me to do it, b) all my "entertainments" would have a more-than-trivial importance and validity. 3) Remembered my LSD trip where I was everyone, everyone was me, I was God, God was each person. We were not only LIKE others in ways, we WERE others in multi-dimensional "reality." 4) My "supervising reconstruction" in the dream was my God-duty. 5) Many elaborate multi-dimensional multi-labeled "systems" lie (perforce) uncompleted in my website. 6) My website is obviously an attempt at SOME kind of immortality, as my alien-recordings would also live forever. 7) "I AM important" and multiple rebirths also seem significant from the first LSD experience, 8) Tonight's meeting with Sharon was "cause" of my dream---and this page: all as part of my "luck" that brings the proper opportunity at the right time to satisfy my megalomaniacal urges. 9) Reminded again of the "ultimate question" or "final divide" between a) a materialistic "This is all there is" and b) mystical i) parallel universes, ii) eternal life, iii) infinite-universe afterlife of "exactly what everyone would think of as heaven" with people created specifically at the age and attitude wanted to satisfy EACH PERSON'S idea of heaven---but only if they DID want it, otherwise they would get the nullity they requested. 10) At the very least, the opportunity to print out THIS page in order to release the dream-page to take to Sharon tonight, but then I have to think of how to release THIS page, also. 11) Made a do-list specifically for today: a), IRS-form requests, b) hyphen-memo sending. These with watching a movie, going to the gym, maybe more Schwab One page-sorting---oh, there’s an obvious dream-connection with "order" and my winning games of Spider.

More from WEDNESDAY, 1/24/07: [These eight days reconstructed on 6/18/07, that notebook page was somehow never printed!]

SHARON B. 14                         1/24/07

Forgotten now, lost with not-printed old NOTEBOOK-69. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 15) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 13)

THURSDAY, 1/25/07: Aureole with Spartacus for Restaurant Week at 2PM. Watch Dogfight on TV, and a two-hour holiday Magic Flute from the Met in English with Nathan Gunn.

FRIDAY, 1/26/07: Spice Market with Spartacus for Restaurant Week at 2PM, good. Petrossian with Mildred at 8PM, not very good.

SATURDAY, 1/27/07: Of course the Sunday Times puzzles. MAN at 3PM. Watch Rome episodes 6-8.

SUNDAY, 1/28/07: Rent films This Film Is Not Yet Rated and Word Play, enjoyable.

MONDAY, 1/29/07: Union Square Café with Spartacus for Restaurant Week at 2:15, very good, particularly since he knows Michael Romano from when they both lived at 50 Orange Street, and he treats us to an extra course and comes and chats with us. Watch Rome hours 9-12.

TUESDAY, 1/30/07: Eleven Madison Park with Mildred at noon. See Memoirs of a Geisha.

WEDNESDAY, 1/31/07: Aquavit 2:15 with Mildred; Beard #303 with Ken: Nantucket. Obviously stuffed.

[The following two days were printed out before.]

THURSDAY, 2/1/07: 12:30PM: Susan arrived at the dot of eight this morning, and it later comes out that she'd eaten breakfast at Clark's Corner to avoid getting to me BEFORE 8, her plane having arrived (she got no sleep on the four-hour flight) 30 minutes early. I'm over-warm, slightly tired, ever-so-slightly hung over from all the wine last night at the Beard, and phoned in the Finasteride renewal to see if they were serious about 2/1 offer. Called SAGE to get only messages that seemed not to fit what I wanted. Came across the Screen Actors Guild 2007 Awards note; they loved Helen Mirren on TV as Elizabeth I and in the movies as The Queen (Elizabeth II), and their best movie was Little Miss Sunshine, which Spartacus said was charming, but I hardly intend to see it. They liked Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls and Forest Whittaker in The Last King of Scotland, to make the blacks actors happy. What I considered the epitome of "populism" was to choose Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock and America Whoever in Ugly Betty, with ensembles from The Office and Grey's Anatomy. So I can throw THAT card away. Still feel stuffed from the 2:15 lunch at Aquavit and the 7PM stuffing at the Beard yesterday, so may have only SOUP for lunch, since Susan's in nightclothes after her shower and doesn't seem likely to want to go out for lunch.

SHARON B. 15      1/31/07

Started with the horrible tale of my "was it an orgasm?" this morning, saying THAT made me depressed, making me wonder if I should stop taking Proscar, but of course I won't. Went on to Spartacus's recommendation of a 130 cholesterol count. Then to stuffed feeling: 2:15 Aquavit and 7PM Beard. With news that "the less you eat, the longer you live." Great! Continue to kvetch and bitch through the entire session, but she essentially says that's what it's FOR: I can tell her the things I can't tell anyone else. Mentioned something about not getting compliments, and she sympathized even when I said SHE was very good about complimenting me. Complained about getting old, not having anyone to confide in, feeling my body's betrayed me, won't dream of offering time for charity work, though I appreciated it when my slides are appreciated. Berated myself a number of times for the awfulness of this session. Can't think of anything else I'd like to say! (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 16) (RETURN TO SHARON B.14)

MONDAY, 2/5/07: 8:07AM: Printing a dream-page [DREAMS:2/5/07], having finally gotten to a comfortable sleep after turning on the radiator to compensate for the 8° cold outside, where 18° is predicted as the high temperature for today. Yesterday was a total bomb. After the ENTIRE day of Saturday was spent going through the four Times puzzles from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, Saturday's not being finished until Bill P. called with the brilliant word "aphotic" (that just "popped into his head") for "Lacking light," that enabled me to see that "seers" were the "Ones with gifts who don't care about presents" and the amazing "asterisk" was the "Indication to look down," having nothing to do with the established "risk," making me concentrate on a sense of warning or danger, of the last four letters, since Bill had already translated the "Stretch in the 90's, say" as being temperature, rather than the 1990s as I'd thought all along. And then "It's in the neighborhood: Abbr." fell out as "est." Saturday finished off with watching hours of Spartacus's DVD from Nature on penguins, rhinos, and cows, Susan coming back too late to play Scrabble, as we'd done Friday night, my winning two to her one, and Sunday ended with her refusing to indulge me in Boggle, and we played to a one-one tie before I pooped out at 10:40PM, going to bed at 11PM in extreme cold, not being able to sleep until after midnight, Actualism seeming empty wordplay that led me to fear that I was really losing it mentally, putting me into a state of anxiety before sleep that came closest in a long time to leading me to an apathy in existence that made the cessation of it seem almost preferable. Peed at 12:30, 2:30, 5:15, and 7:30, much more than usual, fearing I might be coming down with something, as Susan said she might be last night, hastily adding that her "coming head cold" had "nothing to do with the cold temperature" in the apartment which led her to wrap her flannel blanket around her before I put on the second living-room radiator. Sunday started with an over-hour conversation with Marj about proofing the website, and now at 8:45AM, after talking for a half-hour with Susan about hyphens, I've got to make a diskette for Marj so I can mail it before 10AM and I go for groceries.

WEDNESDAY, 2/7/07: 7:32AM: Everything's coming together: A) Mildred called for information about quantum theory, and toward the end of our phone conversation yesterday I summarized the four alternate theories of my personal cosmology: 1) all time and space started with the Big Bang, and all will end at the end; 2) X (unspecified unknown) produced the Big Bang and may control the universe; 3) the current Big Bang succeeded a previous Big Crunch: infinite successions; 4) (my favored theory) concurrent parallel universes exist multidimensionally. That last alternate theory actually includes the first three, since one of its rich characteristics stipulates that each individual controls its individual universe: how it started, how it continues, how it ends (or even if it ends). B) Mildred and I then spoke of a possible afterlife: she doesn't believe in it; my favored theory includes each individual's possible (mostly unrealized) capability of determining its individual afterlife. A favored component of my favored theory allows each individual to create its own, totally controlled, personal afterlife with favorite people (relatives, friends, fantasy partners) at preferred ages with preferred characteristics (temperament, physical condition) created by each individual for as long as each individual desires. C) As a fillip (I didn't know its first meaning was "a blow or gesture made by the sudden forcible straightening of a finger curled up against the thumb"! but I intend its second meaning: "something tending to arouse or excite") detail, today would have been the FIRST day of the year I could have seen the sun from my window at its moment of rising to which I look forward all winter. D) Marj, with her proposed rate of 10 pages/hour, agrees (and LOVES!) proofing my website, and her efforts would "only" cost $30,000, well under what she'd get from my will (which I'll show Susan, now conveniently currently visiting), in case I'm not around to supervise the completion of my website. GOOD TIMING! E) I've reached the end of the page without having to blather extraneously!

Note: 11:30AM: Susan smiled at the page, above, and I finished the Monday and Tuesday Times puzzles and the TV Guide sudoku and most of the Times by 10:30AM after finishing breakfast about 9:15. Called Carolyn to give her Susan's information about and (her Bizbee young neighbors making thousands a day on them); called TV Guide because I got TWO issues yesterday, and Carol answered in 30 seconds and in another minute took charge of solving the problem! I reported the call to Susan "in shock!" Getting rid of notes, I see that at 12:40AM on 2/6 I "happen" to glance at the Visa bill which (for the last time, I think) I left for personal payment at Citibank and found it's due THAT DAY! Pay it. Note left to phone basis amounts to Schwab and HOPE that they're not ONLY sending quarterly statements, but will continue to send monthly statements. Phone, they'll send out statements even if they're duplicates now; basis amounts DO include fees! Then play Spider, having worked so well so long, until 1:15, when I update this. Susan bugs me for packing stuff, showers, and sits in living room. I go back to paperwork. She leaves, I have lunch and tackle cleaning bathroom and kitchen to 3:45PM. Can't think of anything but more Spider.

SHARON B. 16      2/7/07

Rush in and report on my most recent activity: trying to find someone else to take Leon B.'s offer of a $5 New York City Ballet ticket this evening, after Ken, Fred, Carolyn, Charles, and Steve H. couldn't attend, and Susan probably wouldn't return in time. Said that, with Susan around, I had HER to concentrate on rather than anything about the upcoming trip, mentioning the article in the Susan-bought Times about how the "talking therapeutic method" worked with 75% of panic-attack patients while the "meditation and relaxation method" worked with only 50% of those patients. Mentioned the "normal" results from my throat examination by the ENT specialist, thinking still that it might be more psychosomatic than physical. We got into what it actually felt like ON the plane: nothing to do, bored with reading and puzzles, unable to sleep, super-sensitive to any turbulence or plane-lurch, fearing to scream and shit and piss if something terrible happened, and then the I-don't-care embarrassment facing other travelers if I DID make a fool of myself by not wanting to die and then the plane-load survived and I continued to interface with them. Assured her it had nothing to do with claustrophobia, because I acted with perfect tranquility waiting for the termination of my 70-minute elevator stranding Monday. Everything to do with control, which became easier, seeing the parallel between fear of flying and fear of falling in love---loss of control, primarily---and when I COULD fall in love, after LSD, it became easier to fly, even though I insisted on watching all the Moments to Disaster programs with their graphic depictions of what DID go wrong with planes that had trouble, including memories of fliers knowing they were probably about to die. I said that I felt better KNOWING what the programs contained rather than making it worse through my imagination if I didn't watch them, another measure of control, which Sharon put as "knowing as much as you could about it." Putting my faith in the pilots and mechanics and plane-parts was easier, I repeated, after frequent flights, and got more difficult as the times between flights increased. Again talked about how the "repeat extensions" of trips, particularly Ngorongoro, turned out to be the best part of the trips to which they were added, so I had faith that the expensive add-on to Nikko and a ryokan would be enjoyable on its own. Said, "Well, I guess I can leave now" about fifteen minutes into the session, couldn't think of what to add, then had no trouble continuing, thinking of new things, some of which she wrote down again, like patterning myself after Grandma's "musts" and never being criticized by Dad and often by Mom in adult life for trivia like raising the pitch or volume of my voice, and then emphasized her insistence ALWAYS of turning down the TV or radio to which I happened to be listening. Quick end. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 17) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 15)

THURSDAY, 2/8/07: 9:36AM: Bed after a snack of tuna casserole and two madeleines from Jarnac, which Susan recommends---and now at 9:37AM the phone rings (with Susan drying her hair) regarding "car 109 downstairs at 10AM." Bed at 11:10 and sleep until 3:10, when I had a dream that I took a lengthy note on [DREAMS:2/8/07], and then could NOT get back to sleep (though I probably napped between times), looking at the clock at 3:55, 4:10, 5:05, 6:30, 7:16, when I got up to see the sun almost directly to the right, obviously in view this morning at sunrise, and 8:22, when I arose groggily and blamed "sleeping too much," and Susan blamed eating too much too late. During that time I tried a very long Actualism session, trying to lend credence to the hope that what I told Sharon was wrong: that Actualism was losing its power. But my awake-time seemed fruitful; I kept thinking about how life was being GIVEN to me: Ken makes plans for trips; now Steve H. has joined the list of companions by sending me a brochure for a boat-trip to Greenland, Labrador, and Nunuvit, including L'Anse Aux Meadows, which sounds good for September, having gotten up to see that the Baltic trip is early August and doesn't conflict; Mildred is willing to make reservations and contact Charles for various restaurants; Marj coming onto the website-crew as proofreader is a real coup: she just LOVED the erotic "Luxury"! Felt that I had no trip-anxiety yet, and tried to capitalize on the PINK of LOVE: the pilots love transporting people overseas, people love doing things for me, Tris and Marj love the website, which will induce people to love me if I could only get them to read it (Marj's sister still hasn't sent me an e-mail about her reading it; checked Friday at 1PM). I came up with the motto LIFE with LOVE and LIGHT to encompass a good feeling I had, though that feeling didn't last, as I felt dragged-out during the day. The rest of Thursday was effortful as I put her bedding in a bag to be taken out before I went to the gym after folding up her bed, vacuuming the carpets she'd littered, and leaving the toilet seat UP and the kitchen light OFF. Phoned CVS to find that my finasteride was indeed available for $10, and again talked long to Marj on the phone, then from the free packet I made some Diet-Rite which I took along with tuna and dates to stave off hunger at Death in Venice at BAM, ballet by Neumeier of the Hamburg ballet, abetted with a roast beef sandwich for $7. Put out the dental probe to remind myself to brush on Friday, getting weary to bed at 11:35PM.

FRIDAY, 2/9/07: 1:43PM: Made a do-list of ten items before going to sleep: 1) pick up Rx, 2) e-mail Susan on toothbrush, 3) mail GCT response, 4) start IRS, 5) send SF disk to Marj, 6) check annual insurance, 7) finish NOTEREPL, noting sunrise this morning VISIBLE outside at 7AM, up maybe 5-6 minutes earlier, 8) buy rain poncho for Japan, 9) call Sherryl, 10) call Springer for Sophie? Carla? Joan? and settle on JENNIE. Jerked off to 9:30, cumming to prove that I can still do it before wearing my cock raw, then watched The Queen at 80 and Billy Strayhorn to 12:30, leaving only Deliverance to be watched. Brushed my teeth, remember now to note that I made an appointment with Heather yesterday, finished puzzles and papers left over from Susan, and e-mailed Susan and re-read the "annual insurance" to find that it doesn't cover nearly enough, so cross two items off list by 1:30PM and by finishing this (not able to YET find the letter from Ombudsman, lost in the IRS/Schwab piles), ready to sort out piles and start on the rest of the 8 items on the list. Call Sherryl and make lunch reservations at Le Bernardin for her LAST year's birthday treat, and call Jennie W., who says "lots gone overseas," and "we don't know how long we'll be here, either." Not much! So now I'm caught up with this, too, at 2:35PM. Get Rx at 5, get mail, play Spider, and watch Deliverance.

SATURDAY, 2/10/07: Work on SF file for Marj and mail that and GCT response by 12:30PM for Monday delivery, do all three puzzles in the Times, then start on IRS, going and going and FINISHING even with Cadman forms, then pick up two DVDs and watch Tsotsi before going to bed, happy that I finished SO MUCH today, but tomorrow will be an "accomplishment disaster" to make up for it.

SUNDAY, 2/11/07: Jot note on dream at 5:30AM [DREAMS:2/11/07] but don't type it until Tuesday. Watch DVDs, go to brunch with Ken at 202 at 11:30AM that seems to ruin rest of day, so I watch DVDs, do Spider, and at least send e-mails to Susan for her birthday and Yama for Ken's concerns about "free" time and meals in Kyoto and Tokyo. Watch Giant Crocs and Dracula in real time on Channel 13, finish up Sunday Times, and leave things for tomorrow, including Tuesday's slide-show.


MONDAY, 2/12/07: Wake at 6:50AM feeling AWFUL. Went to bed at 12:30AM and got to sleep only about 12:50AM. Started taking notes to record panic attack.
1) On waking, go instantly from "normal" to "ELECTRIFIED" feeling through body.
2) PARTICULARLY hands and feet TINGLE, as if being RUBBED. Peed after waking.
3) Stomach feels uncomfortably full.
4) As in "normal winter," throat dry and slightly sore, nose dry and sore. Eyes puffy and sore-lidded.
5) Almost nausea deep in throat.
6) As if blood is POUNDING in extremities, particularly lower legs.
7) All mind and thought FILLED with SENSE of physical sensations.
8) Very faintly short of breath.
9) Summary feeling: I DON'T WANT TO FEEL all these sensations!
10) I want to get "out of my body" or "out of my head" or AWAY from all this!
11) Feelings have been MAGNIFIED to identify and describe them, but they're all absolutely present and unwanted! More notes at 6:57AM.
12) Tingle concentrated in skin of palms and soles of feet, which feel swollen, and joints and bones feel ARTHRITIC.
13) Top of stomach feels BLOATED UPWARD as if some excess of food is TOO MUCH. 7:01AM: I ask myself, "What is causing this?”
14) I think of dentist appointment on Wednesday; if that weren't there I'd feel better. The same goes for the yet-vague anticipation of trip on March 2.
15) It's not the dental visit or trip ITSELF, but fear that "something will be WRONG, something will happen (dental decay, trip disaster) that I don't WANT and CAN'T CONTROL." I start taking more notes as they occur to me to write.
7:06AM: What was the start of this: I feel (SENSE) bad PHYSICALLY, which makes me, on FEELING it, feel bad EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY.
7:09AM: It's like being in STRONGER gravity, or being PRESSED DOWN, or lack of AIR in room. LUNGS need to work harder to fill, or SIGH. Mental: I didn't CHOOSE this; I didn't WANT this. I don't have a cold or a disease--just LEAVE me ALONE! Stop BUGGING me!
Let me take a pill---go to SLEEP---STOP!
7:07AM: Decide to MEDITATE to try to "stop this"---ABSENT my mind and body from these FEELINGS.
7:14AM: Physical "envelope" sensations DIMINISHED by MORE than half. MENTAL component increased, as well as EMOTIONAL feeling of "STOP THIS.”
7:25AM: IN meditation, rise ABOVE body, get awareness ENLIGHTENED: lighter in "illumination," lighter in "weight," lighter in "oppression" and DOWN-feeling.
7:28AM: Yesterday a "waste of time": masturbate, DVDs, Sunday Times, Spider 3-hours, no "work," no gym, no phone calls or social interactions. Should have brushed teeth, gone to gym, not eaten so much---felt HUNGRY all day even after prosecco and heavy brunch. 7:32AM try to shit but nothing comes.
7:35AM: Pee and drink water. Mouth needs cleaning, scalp itchy, groin creases wet and smelly and getting sore. LIGHT out, not NIGHT anymore. Yet try for an hour's SLEEP with meditation.
8:30AM: Wake with dream of Akron University doorway. All sensations GONE but for the "full stomach-top." Maybe doze some more while trying not to think.
9:17AM: Up, feeling tired and slightly depressed. Play Spider; Marj calls. Watch DVDs: return them when going to gym. Fix slides for Tuesday. Bed 11:30PM.

TUESDAY, 2/13/07: To sleep just after midnight. Wake 6:30AM, try Actualism, no panic-attack feeling, up at 6:55AM to type notes (above) from Monday's panic attack. Print page for Sharon tomorrow. Lots of things to do today as I finish this at 7:53AM. Proofread Sharon's page to 7:59AM and HAMMERING starts above! Hammer stopped; proofread again to 8:05AM. Have breakfast after downloading Form 8880 from, which I wouldn't have had to do had I THOROUGHLY read the instructions that say I can't DEDUCT (though I can CONTRIBUTE) over 25% of my income to ANYTHING, which would have saved my call to the IRS, where she kept me on the line while "doing research" for about 45 minutes (stopped the whole thing at 11AM, called Spartacus, who is NOT coming at 2PM because he has a Korean film he wants to see). Getting the form let me download e-mails, Yama "helpfully" describing lunch at Kyoto-Kiccyou (kiss you or kick you?) for "only" US$350, not including tax, which Ken says he REFUSES to pay, and says he phoned High Country to ask for participant lists, which I'd read about but only barely registered that I didn't get. Papers all over the place, and I have to RECALCULATE my IRS and NYS forms! Pee and have lunch now at 11:46AM. But decided to phone for 30 rolls of film from Adorama for $337.42 and check for SCRIE, which says RENT increase, so I'll try 311, starting 12:19PM, "please hold." By 12:30 I find it DOES include maintenance, and NOT IRA and Keogh distributions, so I'll probably QUALIFY for income under $26,000! Called Bill P., who guiltily reported he's not going to be at the slides at 2PM, but that our OFFICE has the forms! And I might call Marj to get her input on it---after lunch.

WEDNESDAY, 2/14/07: 9:50IM: Such a productive start to yesterday that after coming home from the slide-show, which got GREAT positive audience feedback, and signing a check for a $1000 deposit on a September trip to Greenland with Steve H., I started playing Spider until dinner and didn't do much but watch the Westminster Dog Show from Madison Square Garden, interrupted by Bill's invitation down for watching his favorite episodes of Will and Grace, punctuated by his incredible ineptitude at finding a program where he thought it was, stopping the VCR when he wanted it, finding how to change the fine-tuning on a program that wasn't playing well, after which he berated me for calling him "poor" when he'd just said that he didn't want to spend his money the way I spend MY money. Only this morning I washed dishes, cleared up the mess in the living room, and plucked the hairs from my ears, after verifying with Heather's secretary that I was in fact coming in at 1PM despite the 20° sleet with high winds outside, making me debate putting plastic bags around my air conditioners to make it warm here for the NEXT half of this winter. But now at 11:28AM I don't feel like doing anything but more Spider.

SHARON B. 17      2/14/07

Talked about page, which she didn't read but had me describe. She concluded by proposing the possibility that the "electrification" was a RELEASE of pent-up pressure, and thus possibly a GOOD thing, and as usual I felt relief on telling her all about it. Talked about the alternating "wasted" days followed by very PRODUCTIVE days, which made both of us feel good. Again emphasis on what results of SUDDEN FEAR would be most dreaded: making a fool of myself by screaming or shitting or pissing. Told her the slide-show she missed was very good, and again she praised my doing it, saying this took COURAGE, as it took for these big trips I do, and I said I thought it was "normal" for me to be adventurous, but maybe I could benefit by THINKING that this WAS a big adventure, and I could feel GOOD about having feelings of anticipation for it; even anticipation of something going wrong, without feeling BAD about having those feelings. I felt an impulse to let HER talk for a while, which I might do next time, noting that I'm STILL not my usual "counting-day-obsessive" self about the coming trip, though I just lost one by Greenland being too expensive. Relief. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 18) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 16).

FRIDAY, 2/16/07: 8:20PM: So tired Wednesday after the anxiety in Heather's chair Wednesday 1-1:50PM (when she found a "slit" in my palate that might lead to my tooth-roots in the upper left, causing some of the pressure-pain I reported as happening a few times a month, but she probed and didn't think the "slit" went through, after giving me a topical anesthetic when I "ouched" for her), that when I went to bed I doubted going on the New Jersey tour Thursday, but when I woke early, feeling good, I took the subway to Park Place, figuring to find a PATH train to Newark Penn Station there, which I did, getting there a half-hour early, but the group was already gathering. Doug, from last time, with previous-leader Stan, showed up together at 10:30 just as we were about to leave, expanding our group of 10 to 12, later to 13 with a woman waiting for us at the Newark Museum. New Jersey Cultural Arts Center very impressive, beautiful, and had a nicely led tour that allowed us to see Chinese locals rehearsing a show by letting us sit in seats at the top of the gallery. Then good chicken with mushrooms at the Newark Museum restaurant, joined at my solo table by Doug and Stan, the former going to Tahiti after I leave for Japan, and Stan going to Australia! I took off during the dull docent for African Art to re-see the (mostly new) Tibet items, and LOVED the Ballentine house. Home, feeling tired again, watch TV, and bed about 11:30, waking at 5:30 feeling VERY anxious, so I took a Valium and went to sleep, feeling better when I woke. Made a list for Friday: 1) When was last C. blood/physical, and noted 9/6/06 at front of datebook for future reference. 2) Watch I Puritani, NOT a great opera, though Nebtrenko was good. 3) Wrote Sharon's page, 4) Went to the gym, having missed yesterday, and being greeted through the day with my "rotten crotch" intense stench, 5) Just recorded my Valium-taking, finishing five of the list of 8, leaving only 6) Clear desk, 7) SCRIE, special form for retired people? and 8) Taxes for tomorrow, along with play with Spartacus and Spotted Pig with Mildred and Charles, probably staying at library between times.

MONDAY, 2/19/07: 6:56AM: Sunrise reflecting brightly off Manhattan towers as I started typing my dream at 6:40AM [DREAMS:2/19/07], and I put on the radiator again to cope with the 11° chill outside. Depressed from the dream, yet clinging to my realization from watching I Puritani: it's silly to moan about the past or future when the PRESENT is pleasant enough, so think, "It's all OK now, so why worry about some OTHER worries at some OTHER time." It's worked pretty well so far, even playing Spider from 8:15-11:05PM last night, after dining on Fascati's pizza after loading on cheez doodles and pretzels and grapes and cream soda and root beer at Piri's Games Group, with only Caesar and Mark as partners in Boggle and Quiddler and one reluctant Scattergories with a not-feeling-well Mark. Now, with a sun-reflection INTENSE off a narrow tower just south of the new Number Seven, I stop to start watching TV before doing Marj's new SF file and going to the gym.

WEDNESDAY, 2/21/07: 9:45AM: TOTALLY wasted yesterday: cleared off some of the junk on my desk only, but spend HOURS on Spider, so much so that this morning I determined to keep a LIST of hours spent to see how much I DO spend. But then yesterday was also productive: actually got a tiny INDEX from Watson-Guptill, about which I had to phone Marj, which took another 45 minutes before breakfast; went to good (but not superb) short ribs at BLT Prime with Mildred, amazingly not having drinks, side dishes (except for her asparagus), appetizers, or desserts! Then got home to open my Visa bill and find that Grand Circle Travel credited my card for $418 on 2/8!! Extraordinary! Phoned Ken and Spartacus in my exuberance, and after Roger E. astounded me this morning by calling from his motor home in Florida, I called Mildred to fill her in on both pieces of outstanding news. Now ready for breakfast at 9:50AM.

SHARON B. 18     2/21/07

New title-style isn't working so well here (but will be OK, I then think, when the whole file appears, pageless, on the website). I start with the smallest "coincidence": I'd carried the cap of my L-arginine bottle in my hand on the subway returning from Le Bernardin to remind me to get off at Borough Hall to get to The Vitamin Shoppe, and at Chambers Street the conductor announces that this train's next stop will be Broadway-Nassau before stopping at Borough Hall: if I wanted Clark Street I would have had to get off and wait for the next train. How convenient! Talk about the goodness of the lunch, then about Roger E. calling that morning, bringing back memories of getting stoned with him, going to a Clint Eastwood movie that terrified me while high, and then Dick H.'s reunion of Service Bureau workers at which Mozelle D. insisted, "You can't be Bob Zolnerzak," in all seriousness, which disturbed me greatly. Sharon asked me how and why I felt that way, and again I quickly came to the component of control: I couldn't get her to explain WHY she thought that way, though I surmised aloud it may have been my added weight and age, since she hadn't changed much at all, though I came up with a new idea: since I hadn't been "out" at SBC, maybe the years had made me more clearly gay, and she saw what she hadn't seen before and couldn't accept that component of me. Then got to the crux revelation of the previous week: watching the heroine of I Puritani still lament her loverless past while actually reunited with him, I got STRONGLY the futility of living in the past OR the future when the present is perfectly good at the moment. How a cliché can be made solid by a random example: be here now! She agreed: I had a nice apartment, good playtimes, good enjoyment of food and entertainment, why not enjoy it rather than being oppressed by a possible disaster on an upcoming trip. I could control how I felt at the present time! Again asked her if IN FACT a panic attack was a sort of physical pressure-release of repressed emotions of fear or anxiety, and was the body's way of ridding itself from these pent-up feelings, and thus rather a GOOD thing, with a REASON for happening when they happened, and, knowing WHY they occurred, could in some way be UNDERSTOOD, which was the first step toward CONTROLLING them. She assured me this was the case, and she wasn't saying it just to make me feel good. I DID feel good, and went through more occasions of feeling good: the refund from Grand Circle Tours of the $418 single-supplement payment, Marj and my agreement on how to proofread the website---and I gave her my website's address so she could "have contact with me while I was away on my trip." Mentioned the "urination in a lousy storeroom" dream this morning, and how IT seemed to be related to travel, since so many times on travels (and I described in some detail the toilets in the hills of southern Morocco I had to use when I had diarrhea last year) I had to make do with slit-trenches at which I worried about my knees complaining in the stooping position, until I had to use them and the relief and completion of the shit passed without any knee discomfort whatsoever. Even talked of playing Spider without guilt: "After all, some people spend hours each night drinking in a bar," "---or sitting in front of a television set," she added. And I mentioned my controlling realization that I could RECORD exactly when and how many hours I spend at Spider, and it might be useful to see how much time I DO spend. Then mentioned the tiny index that I got in now, the first in a long time, with Marj's blessing, showing that work WAS still possible. Also recapitulated some of the SCRIE investigations, not mentioning how long it's been taking me to get back to recalculating my IRS taxes and to cleaning off the stack of stuff that seems to grow with 1) calculating foreign expenses on credit cards for a possible refund of finance charges, 2) sending forms for HIP prescription coverage at the end of last year, 3) another HIP registration form, 4) other things that I have to get to after the index, which I MUST do today. Even mentioned that I wasn't coughing so much anymore, nor was I concerned about hoarseness, which she said she never notices until I mention it. Talked of mistakes: I CAN make mistakes (like Bill and "poor") and SHE can make mistakes, she confesses, yet we tolerate those making them. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 19) (RETURN TO SHARON B. 17).

FRIDAY, 2/23/07: 8:18AM: Type three dreams [DREAMS:2/23/07] and decide to continue typing with the very busy day yesterday. Do the small Watson-Guptill Space Art index in precisely one hour for $140, after breakfast, having piled "the desk pile" onto the coffee table Wednesday night to prepare for the index Thursday morning. Get a week-old notice of a Beard frequent-diner dinner for Friday, and phone to find I can still reserve, phoning Ken to let him know I'm going and there's still space available. Spartacus calls at 11:20 to say that the opening night of Journey's End is available on Audience Extras, and I phone to get a single ticket that I have to pick up at their office on Lexington and 25th between 2-5PM for the 6:30 curtain. Then phone Marj at 12:10PM, saying we can only talk for half an hour, and manage to get off the phone in 40 minutes, after which I have lunch while watching an hour of Rome, phoning Spartacus to tell him that he's missed recording an hour, do some little chores before leaving for the gym about 2PM, wait a bit for a haircut afterward but get home by 4:10, time to change into "business attire" as requested by AudEx for the opening night, reported by Spartacus (which I hadn't seen), and get to their office at 4:50, then over to New York Burger Co. for a disappointing Seattle burger (too much lettuce, tomato, and fried onions, and the portabello mushrooms were only in mushy bits, though the burger was still top-notch), looking at the passing crowd and enjoying the final ice of a large Dr Pepper for $1.75, and then leave at 5:30 thinking I have lots of time to walk to the Belasco on 44th just west of 6th, but get there at 6:10 and look over the crowd and read the program until it starts at 6:40, sorry that Spartacus told me the climactic drama of the wall of names of thousands of dead on a memorial wall, and got home at 9:50 to phone Spartacus to report, play Spider from 10:30-11:35, recording it on my new obsession-list, and get to bed to have the dreams I mentioned transcribing above. Finish this at 8:30AM and go to more Spider.

SATURDAY, 2/24/07: 12:20PM: Finished the puzzles in good time, all three fairly easy, maybe spurred by my taking a Valium at 6:35 this morning when I woke to pee and felt vaguely uncomfortable, then up at 7:40AM to bring in the paper at the same time as a bathrobed Beverley across the hall, and jerked off to 9:20, then had breakfast, then the Times, now---well, I guess Spider.

SUNDAY, 2/25/07: 10:15AM: Almost took another Valium this morning, in addition to the one I took last night about 9PM, when I just felt that anxiety was about to mount to a state that I would find unpleasant. But then decided that activity would be best: got up at 8:08AM and picked up the Times, reading the News of the Week while shitting a shit still soft from my Diet-Rite milk run-shit yesterday. Moaned the Beard table last night with K. immersed in his cell phone or Game Boy or whatever, the Brazilian couple necking between themselves, and the unpleasant old man who never even introduced himself didn't say much; not to mention the boring food and even worse drinks with the meal. Hardly worth the "bargain" $75. Then watered the plants and got to my desk determined to clear off the IRS pile, phone Tris, and get to the gym and MAN before the Oscars tonight. Yesterday finished Ken's videotapes with Everything Is Illuminated, the last part of In the Bedroom, and a child-oriented Little Manhattan, finishing just after midnight with an unfinished Pandora's Box. Slightly warmer today than yesterday: turned off the second living-room radiator.

TUESDAY, 2/27/07: 10:35PM: Yesterday was a complete loss: A) Computer didn't do ANYTHING right: 1) stamp-order pages could not be displayed, though I tried again and again, and then when I tried printing out Troubleshooting directions, while having lunch, the paper spaced again and again, so I had about 26 pages to put through backward to save it, 2) old PC kept clicking off as I talked to Tris---and it turned out that the plug had been stretched again too tautly, 3) tried downloading Google Earth and it went for 55 minutes before cutting off with only 7 minutes and 15 seconds to go, then 4) got addicted to FreeCell and played for hours, stopping only in time to phone Charles to see the Morgan Library Wednesday and Tris to register his great disappointment that he had to wait for Marj to slowly proofread all files before I corrected them and forwarded them to him for the site. At least the dinner was much better than Friday's, but IS Danielle the Beard reservationist or just someone I recognize from before? Then get awful $2,325 fine for my late Form 5500, which I fall asleep rebuttal-wording, refusing to pay unless they REALLY tighten the screws: it's just not FAIR. Wake at 5:40AM with a dream and take a Valium because I fear not being able to get back to sleep. Up at 8 and watch Prison Break, which at first appeared to tape BLACK, which I might have suspected when I had to turn on the cable box this morning, but to my relief the episode WAS there, announcing only FOUR more episodes this season, with only four of the "breakers" still on the loose. Brush teeth, transcribe the dream [DREAMS:2/27/06], and finish this, printing the previous page on the back of the first of TWENTY-SEVEN wasted sheets, close to my estimate, above, of 26 pages wasted. Also noted that, at 34° this morning, I shut my radiator off in the bedroom, the last of them still on from the cold snap, hoping that Tokyo will be warmer, with at least a trace of cherry blossoms. Finish now at 10:50AM.

SHARON B. 19      2/28/07

First ask about Keith's assertion that Kevin "loses brain cells" when he has a manic-depressive episode, and Sharon agrees with Shelley that she's never heard of any such thing, Then I say that the past few days have been problematic: I feel that I'm "not myself," that I've so dissociated from my "old persona" of feeling extreme anxiety before a trip, particularly a trip that involves two days of flying maybe 17 hours, that I feel uncertain and "strange" about almost everything I do. I mention that I've taken Valium maybe three mornings (Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday), when I got up to pee, and she cautioned me that taking Valium will destroy any REM sleep, and I mention that usually I wake with dreams that I record, and usually, then, don't have dreams afterward, and she seems to think that's relatively OK, but I say that I DO go to sleep almost immediately on getting back into bed, and that's hardly the effect of the Valium, which hasn't yet had time to reach my system, and she agrees, but I say I'll wait until I get up in the morning from now on, which I do in fact do on the following (Thursday) morning. Say that my determination to "stay in the moment" has been remarkably successful, not wanting to go back to the "old me," but being still relatively uncertain about the "new old me.” Repeated that I'm not going on a third trip (to Greenland and Nunuvit) because of the expense, but have actually been thinking about taking another trip on my own (the Guatemala, El Salvador, Panama trip that just offers so many places I've NOT seen in countries I've already been in, and the remaining two Central American countries I've never been in), and she laughs and says, "You sure like to travel even though it may cause you temporary anxiety." Complain about lots of little things: the $2300 Form 5500 penalty, squaring away Schwab accounts, hassling HIP payments, Tris's difficulty with my slowing of proofread files to him, NOT remembering to mention constant annoying noise from construction in building that annoys me right now, computer hassles about getting stamps and downloading files. Had brought water in with me, which she said was fine, and I asked, "Are we about through?" after a long pause and she says we have five more minutes, and I think to ask, "So how am I doing?" She smiles and says I’m doing very well: have things under control, feel easier in my anxieties, taking acceptable, moderate amounts of Valium (adding that I should be sure to take Valium with me on the long flight to Japan when I can't look out the window at the views below), and I leave at 6PM feeling gratified. (CONTINUE SHARON B. 20) (RETURN SHARON B. 18).

THURSDAY, 3/1/07: 9:59AM: Typed the dream [DREAMS:3/1/07] from Wednesday morning, typed Sharon's page from yesterday, left word with Judy A. from HIP at 9:15AM: rehearsing all the arguments I'm going to give her that she should just ACCEPT what I've sent without needing to bother my doctor and the pharmacist for information that HIP already HAS and has agreed to pay me for. Made a list of things to do today, thinking this morning: tomorrow I'll be heading for San Francisco, the next day I'll be heading for Japan, and the next day my trip will have begun. List includes 1) John--water, 2) Bill--Times, 3) wash dishes, 4) pack, 5) gym, 6) Tris, 7) Fred--Maya tour?, 8) Arn--hello, 9) HIP--LW, 10) Steve--brochure print. Disappointed myself last night by not changing to Channel 65 for the two hour-long specials on volcanoes, which I may have seen already anyway. Finished the rest of the mediocre barbecued pork and see that I have one lunch and one dinner remaining in the fridge before the trip. Tris phoned last night with three suggestions for his work on my website: 1) getting slides and putting them one-by-one, or at best seven-by-seven, onto a CD for putting on the site, 2) looking at the file I sent him last night from Marj's "WP for DOS" file which may have glitches, like needing a global substitution of en-dashes for groups of three hyphens, 3) Vicki's doing proofreading, since she "graduated from Packer and has done proofing before." But he agreed that most of these would have to start after I get hack from my trip. But he'd phone me today so we could look at the "Loom" and "Luxury" corrections I sent him; refusing to think he could make all the needed changes AFTER the files are on the site---a truly impossible task! Phoned Marj yesterday to tell her what a good job she was doing, and also pointed out the three errors she missed, having to hang up at 10:15 to leave for the Morgan Library by 11:05, Charles not there yet, thinking maybe I made a mistake and our meeting was for 11:30, but he got there, apologizing, at 11:25 saying he took a taxi that the Pakistani driver was sure would get him to the Morgan Library on 26th Street; they got caught in traffic, and he had to walk from 26th to 36th. Good lunch in the noisy dining room, but expensive. Felt exhausted from the museum-going, alcoholic cocktail at lunch, and full lunch that left me feeling tired, which I also complained about to Sharon last night, whom I just managed to get to when I got back from the Morgan at 4:45PM! Bed at 12:05AM this morning, quickly to sleep, wake at 5 to pee and NOT take a Valium, quickly back to sleep, and up at 9, still feeling quite tired. Repressed anxiety? Which I also mentioned to Sharon. Stop now at 10:16AM to check my Spider score from last night, Judy A. not called back yet in the previous hour. TRAVEL:JAPAN

SHARON B. 20      3/28/07

Jabber ON and ON about trip: tired, emotionally exhausted by having to be with so many people that I don't feel I fit in with, walking off-balance even today, reflecting feeling of "off-balance" with the group on the trip, too rich for me, maybe assuring I'll never take such an expensive trip again. Not even fantastic DREAMS during the trip because of the energy taken reacting to the people I didn't care for, though Albert surprised at the end by paying for the drinks in Old Imperial Bar, and Carol made me think people might look at ME as I look at HER: avoiding conversation, not participating, sitting alone. At the end I asked, "Was this session OK?" and she said, "We had a lot to clear up, we may even have more, but then we'll get back to the central line of thought [which I don't know]." Then I say, "I know you'll stop me if I go off too much on the wrong track," but she keeps saying that my free-flowing association of thoughts is good for both of us. I tell about frustrations on phone, details about Sadahiro, release from $2300 Form 5500 penalty, sending postcards to people, piles of stuff yet to do, maybe checking with C, if I don't feel better in a few days: "It's better if you KNOW what's making you feel tired, so you can CONTROL it." Lots more; I'm bored. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 21)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 19)

THURSDAY; 3/29/07: 1:40PM: Talked with Marj TWO HOURS on the phone today, got a FEW things done; STILL tired, GOT to go back to gym today---maybe do that NOW and mail the five "US-Japan" postcards.

SHARON B. 21            4/5/07

Great session! She started by postponing 5:15 Wednesday to 4:30 Thursday, so I went to the gym early and got there early, saying I had to eat before meeting Ken at 7 to get on a waiting list for a concert, saying how I "rather surprised" him by agreeing to go EVEN THOUGH we might not get in, saying that our relationship was such that we could annoy each other, as we did, but still understood that the whole affair was worth it. Talked again about my emotional exhaustion, and even had the insight that I maybe DIDN'T approach people, because then I'd have to be NICE to them and figure out what they wanted from me, and how I could make our relationship work, which took a lot of energy. How much easier it was just to sit and listen to others talk. That, at the END, came to the memory (when I said, "Which I'd reported before," she said that now that she KNEW me, this was MUCH more relevant to my current situation, which, of course I have to admit, probably applies) of being the first grandchild for twelve years until my sister came along, and of sitting in a room of adults listening to THEM speak, because I had nothing of sufficient importance to say to them. I repeated that, though my mother was abrasive and abusive to me when we were alone, many times in public it would be SHE who brought up my accomplishments and brilliance, just as KEN now does at the Beard and on trips: "I couldn't PAY him enough to be such a good public-relations person." And I also repeated how I could do my own charm dance, so that Steve at MAN or Ken at the Beard could say, "Wow, you really CAME OUT with that person!” Repeated that, when I moved to New York, I was astounded that people didn't ARGUE all the time, as we did at home with Mom there (repeating that my sister and I NEVER argue, again "having learned from Mom"), and now I so treasure Carolyn and Marj because we can say ANYTHING to each other ("be so EVIL," as Marj would say), whereas with Mildred and Sherryl it's like "walking on eggs,” because the slightest slight could set them off. Repeated the irony of being promoted out of programming at IBM because I WAS good with people, and how I'd earlier been offered a sales job but "I said I couldn't possibly rely only on commissions; and then of course I ended up being totally freelance." Brought up Art O.'s "charm dance," which Sharon liked, describing how some people "make a relationship work" when they really want it to. Mildred has recently been SO demeaning: "You don't know ANYTHING about finances." "I'm so MUCH more sensitive to other people than you are," and how I've just learned to let these roll off my back: I KNOW it's not true, and it's not worth ARGUING about it. Also mentioned being happy I started keeping time with Spider, since in the last 14 days I played about 2 hours a day, just about the time of a good meal, and I at least DESERVE that much play. Even when I went to over five hours, I could just QUIT when I felt tired. "Oh, I’m such an ADULT now.” Sharon kept insisting how charming I COULD be, how intelligent, how self-knowing, and took MANY notes, obviously putting MANY things together and saying how great the session was, too, though I got up to leave at 5:15, thinking we'd started at 4:15, when it was really 4:30, and her next client (obviously an unlikable dyke)  said loudly, "Whose coat is this?" when she sat down to unwrap her dinner before being taken, clearly at 5:30, as Sharon's next client. "That's why I made sure the door was locked," she said, when the knocking started about 5PM, and Sharon even SAID something about her coming so early. Re-mentioned "You're wrong," with Ken's intonation, working with Mildred, but I'll have to tell her how to lay off saying she knows me so well and THEN how much I SURPRISE her by changing, or being different from what she expected. No, you DON'T know me that well! And now I'll have to find something like that for Sherryl, whom Charles meliorates, obviating any action from me! (CONTINUE SHARON B. 22)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 20)

Note:: 6PM: Been keeping track of most of "current events" still in the JAPAN TRIP file; but have to mention trying to phone G. at 9:20 this morning and being told he comes in about noon, so he won't be coming to Brooklyn today; and if he calls to say he's coming tomorrow I'll have to figure what to do about Charles and Sherryl and plans for the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for the obviously blooming magnolias tomorrow. Snowed big flakes when I was talking to Marj this morning, again in the session with Sharon about 5PM on Pierrepont Street, and then cooked and ate dinner while typing the above Sharon-page, and looking out couldn't resist phoning Marj to ask if it was snowing, since the cloud SO CLEARLY looked like it was over her; past the Municipal Building from my angle, and she said it HAD been about half an hour before. I was amazed, coming out only twenty minutes later after Sharon's session, to find the sidewalk wet with snow-spots, but the sky ALMOST COMPLETELY BLUE! And there was a WONDERFUL area of whiteness on the horizon over Queens just "to the right of the United Nations." Noticed I finished the last page with "meliorates, obviating," since I use both words, and actually went to check the definition of "obviate" to make sure I was using it right; and Sharon kept saying how good I was at reading people and making sure they're having a good time, or satisfied with me, and I didn't even mention the SHOULDS that I ignored by doing what I WANTED to do the past week: I'm doing what I'm doing, and I'm perfectly happy with it. Don't like the MAINTENANCE: putting on three lotions now after the visit to the dermatologist, don't like grocery or clothes-shopping, and didn't even bother to mention that I won't shower more than once every three days at the gym because a shower is just so MAINTENANCE-intensive. Nor do I brush my teeth as often as I should. Clouds glorious out the window, but now that it's 6:15 I really have to take the BMT to Carnegie Hall to meet Ken at 7.

FRIDAY, 4/6/07: VERY felt cum 5:05-5:42AM, starting in bed with a GREAT erection, playing until I got out the rubber bands, then had to work at it a bit, but finished cleaning up everything by 5:59AM, noting that it felt so good after not doing it for 13 days, but the previously noted record was 26 days during the Japan trip, between 2/24 and 3/21 (followed by 22, 22, and 24), and went back to bed.

SATURDAY, 4/7/07: 6:14PM: Transcribed Carolyn's message from yesterday, since it deserves to be preserved forever: "Hi, Bob, You're either at the gym or out eating something delicious. It's me, Carolyn. And, uh, it was an unfortunate scene earlier; because, without you getting me that one phone, I wouldn't have been able to find somebody with the local numbers that I needed to get me my cell phone. So I found somebody successfully. You know Suzanne, she used to be my roommate, and she has my keys already. So I found her home, because it's a holiday, she's a teacher; so everything is cool, and I would not have been able to do it, without you getting that phone, where her number was stored. So all was not lost at all, and I don't think I told you---I don't think I realized how much I needed that in order to do anything. And, uh, everything is cool. So thank you very much, and forgive me for acting snotty, and I forgive you for acting snotty, so how's that! I love you. Bye-bye." Recorded 3:37PM Friday. Took most of the day doing the three puzzles from the Times; Spartacus managed to get two Audience Extras tickets to Murder Uncensored, recommended by Bill P.; Ken called to say that it looked like Leon's piano-playing has been canceled for tonight, so I get off to a very unsatisfying La Donna del Lago, at New York City Opera, with chorus-work notoriously poor, soloists not very good, and the music hardly as lovely as the program intimated.

SUNDAY; 4/8/07: The Japan slides came yesterday; so after the Times and breakfast I spent most of the early afternoon sorting through them, gobbling down the rest of the pizza from Fiorello's for lunch, followed by joining Spartacus for two sexy bodies and a complicated (but seemingly solved) plot in Murder Uncensored, disappointed to find that Johnny Rockets didn't have any ice cream for a hot fudge sundae, though ironically my next-day blood-sugar check with Dr. C. revealed a count of 250, up substantially from last time, so I really don't need any more sweets, and then back to finish slides, eventually paring down the show-part to 198, manageable. The stack of stuff to be handled remained untouched on my desk in an enormous, menacing pile.

MONDAY, 4/9/07: Did at least a dozen things, many of them new to the list, like 1) faxing United's credit card to be billed to my checking account, 2) finally recording my 3/30 blood-test results when C. called before I went to the gym after four days because it was closed yesterday for Easter, yet having to add contacting the CDC website for Central America malaria warnings, 3) phoning for the cherry-blossom SAGE walk on April 18; 4) phoning for the next MAN pool party, 5) re-phoning G. and still getting no call back, 6) phoning Ken that the Japan slides are ready to be seen by him, 7) putting away programs, tickets, and receipts from last week, 8) adding Giulio Cesare to my see-list for tomorrow, 9) adding the Macy's flower show Wednesday with Sherryl, 10) cutting out the MIR registration form from the brochure and throwing away my flawed printing of it; 11) started the Japan Summary page but had been "done-out" by then, so resorted to Spider before 12) starting to fill out the final IRS forms, then still got early to the Beard at 6:56 though I left late at 6:40, not remembering Ken's friend Mike from Sundance AT ALL, though I got a better idea by sitting next to him this time, and then back to watch TV from 10 to 11:20, having forgotten to set it up for recording.

TUESDAY, 4/10/07: STILL counted over 18 in the "over-10" stack, but hope to do a LOT today, starting by 1) clipping my toenails, 2) calling for a refill of Ertaczo but finding that the "30 twice a day" (which would be 16 from the fill-date of 4/3 to today) was "too early" to be filled, 3) transcribing dream, and 4) putting on the PC for checking my Schwab One balance AGAIN to see if my two 2006 contributions to Keogh and Roth IRA have been filled, which weren't yesterday, AND looking for the CDC page on malaria, now at 8:54AM.

SHARON B. 22      4/11/07

She's dressed in sweatpants, and I launch into a retelling of my "turning lemons into lemonade" of forgetting binoculars, mistaking 8PM start time, and buying a $175 ticket for Giulio Cesare at the Met yesterday. Also tell of my getting the wrong telephone for Carolyn and my recording her grateful final message, leading Sharon to Xerox the two-page Scientific American article on happiness, at which I FIRST forgot the term of optimism, and then, in telling Sharon, forgot the term of kindness, remembering only gratitude. I contrasted the expensive "not quite worth it" Japan trip (to satisfy Ken's request) and the "treat" of the opera. I recounted Crystal's telling me "not to operate at square corners, but to make it more flowing," and getting away from lists, though I repeat that my time-list for Spider makes my playing it MORE acceptable because I see that it's not THAT much time. Tell her about the mixed timings of the stamp dealers, too, and Schwab confusions, and my current fatigue, both today and Friday at the Botanic Garden, but think that since I now ADMIT to getting old, I might NOT live to 105, so I can treat myself BETTER now: my pain PAYS for my treats. Talked about the great progress made the LAST time, and she'd left a message on ANOTHER machine saying I could come at 4:10 Thursday the 19th, and could treat myself to the cherry-blossom SAGE (she knew ONE guy here who belonged) tour. AND she repeated she didn't want to see my apartment and learn about me from that, but only from my talking to her, so she wouldn't see the Japan slides "except on the neutral ground of a public space." Very productive session; took water when I wanted, left 6:10PM. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 23)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 21)

THURSDAY, 4/12/07: 11:35AM: Finished watching The Last Days of Pompeii, Italian from 1913, really AWFUL, filming ineffectual REAL lava rather than creating effects, and they had HUNDREDS for the arena scenes. Then typed Sharon's page from yesterday, but just feel LAZY, will now to Spider rather than finishing taxes, going to the gym, getting ready for ENT re-call, and filling out 101 Clark taxes form for Idella to notarize tonight.

MONDAY, 4/16/07: 10PM: This is NOT a journal, I won't catch up with stuff I did before, but TODAY I finally filled out the tax forms, put $6000 from Schwab into HSBC, wrote two estimated forms, and mailed four envelopes before going to the gym. Set up the TWO Japan-show slide-programs, too. And put the stamps away! And took the liberty of taping two hours of Iraq on one of Ken's tapes! And made more tuna casserole because I simply didn't feel like going to get groceries. And hoping for my $300 check tomorrow! And where is last week's New Yorker?


WEDNESDAY, 4/18/07: 6:28AM: MADDENING concentration on things to do, lists to keep up, items to be taken care of! Note that I leave on next trip in TWO months: Central America on June 18, and that I've been BACK from Japan for ALMOST a month: back 3/29, thus 12 days in March, plus 18 days now = 30 days of a SHORT month. AND I'M STILL NOT CAUGHT UP! True, I managed to mail the four pieces: 1) Federal 1040, 2) State form, 3) Federal estimated, 4) State estimated on Monday, and put two major pieces---1) Form 5500-EZ, 2) Tenant income affidavit---into envelopes to be mailed on Tuesday, while catching up on lots of Ken's movies on tape and lots of TV: 1) Art in the World series on DVD (third episode this morning), 2) Crossroads in America (will watch 3rd 2 hours this morning). Also did FIVE hours on Spider on Saturday, making me feel AWFUL for much of the weekend! AND pissed on the floor this morning, my "foreskin" deflecting a large sub-flow to my leg, sock, and floor. AND put on the second set of tooth-whitening strips from CVS at 6:19AM, watching for the 30-minute duration. Still putting the antifungal on feet, though it doesn't seem to be getting better after two weeks; still putting the lotion for "acne" on the back of my neck, making a note to change bedclothes and get a new winter coat; still putting Bacitracin on forehead and thumb-joint, though the freezing effect seems to be complete with detectable remnants in both places. Panicked yesterday on "losing" my pile-count card, KNOWING it couldn't DISAPPEAR, but going through STACK three times, wastebasket, other places, and FINALLY thinking, "It MUST be on the floor," and there it was under the bed! Even though it STILL has "exactly" 18 in the stack, plus 10 stacks on the table, plus NINE more on the desk right this moment, plus SIX more made this morning when I woke at 4:44 (having gone to bed at 11:14, that was only 5 1/2 hours), peed on my leg and floor, noted dream [DREAMS:4/18/07], started Actualism, and got up at 6:14 to start my day, wanting especially to get to THIS, encapsulating my depression, frustration, agony, self-castigation, list-compulsion, and mental gymnastics. COULD I have asthma? Was I STUPID to refuse the $339 Aciphex, or whatever P. prescribed for my "laryngopharyngeal reflux"? WAS it fungus for a number of months that made my footpad feel "expanded" before I slept? WHY can't I congratulate myself that FINALLY, since DECEMBER, my tax-pile is NOT on my coffee table? But other things are RIDICULOUSLY prolonged, like contacting HIP for my $77 (or whatever) 2006 prescription repayment; like my still not getting the $300 check from Michael; like still not sending in my MIR registration form; like still having Japan-trip tasks to do like 1) expenses, 2) slide-list, 3) slide-shows (two next week). And now at 6:42AM my tooth-whiteners can come off, knowing the rest of the five will be gone by the time of my first slide-show next week. And now at the bottom of the page I can get to the NEXT topic: the incredible richness and complexity of life itself!


A) Watched Nova on the "First Flower" and was astonished at FILES of things: 1) the movable space-saving storage cabinets for millions of fossils in Washington, DC, so vulnerable to anticipated terrorist attacks on our capital; 2) the archives of SEVEN MILLION plants and flowers in Kew Gardens in London, so vulnerable to atomic attack in THAT capital, as in ALL sad-world capitals; 3) the computer-list of the "Tree of Life" for the LIVING flowers generated on at least a dozen sheets of paper, yet to be correlated with the FOSSIL flowers, whose DNA can't be determined at this time.

B) Then watched Crossroads of America, finally affirming my rubric that "the Sunnis set with the downfall of Saddam, and the Shiites are rising in revenge” to keep the murderous sects’ names straight, and feeling EVER-THANKFUL that they have EACH OTHER to fight rather than UNITING to fight CHRISTIANS! And the Perle episode that managed to AVOID mentioning CRITICAL aspects of the war: 1) our troops still on Saudi Arabian soil, infuriating Muslims for that ALONE; 2) our support of Israel, with the Jewish cabal, also exasperating Allah.

C) Resisting the impulse to type out the FORTY-THREE item do-list waiting for me to accomplish before feeling like starting LIFE itself! With the proofreading and the website taking such a last place that I can't even CONTEMPLATE when I'll get to things like ordering a new laptop or using my blender for Pisco Sours (at least, I hope, by the summer, when they'll be more refreshing). WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?? Keeping track of hours spent on Spider helps determine the time there; now that I'm caught up with Ken's movies I can think of watching the two-week-old recording of Lawrence of Arabia's life on VHS, or getting more movies from across the street. Metropolitan Museum should be visited fairly soon, and Sherryl should be called for birthday plans THIS year. Sharon's delayed till tomorrow though the cherry-blossom viewing was postponed to next week. Beard coming up and I'm STILL not losing weight! Will I add MORE fish oil to try to bring down my STILL-increasing LDL? Why is my sugar up? DO I have asthma, explaining my cough and my weakness? Now at 7:05AM feel I've EXHAUSTED this impulse and can now have breakfast (later, while the hydrogen peroxide still works on my teeth?) while catching up on TV viewing! Back immediately, since I MUST add some of CURRENT complexities that I'm doing:

D) DID throw out my elbow-holed red shirt, DID put on torn blue jeans so I can take my "good" black pants to laundry, WILL take cough-causing very dirty flannel sheets to laundry even though it's not quite summer---then put them BACK on so I'll change sheets sooner when it DOES come to summer!

Note: 6:53PM: Type a note from a list of 4/16 DOs: 1) Check Schwab: a) Keogh IN, B) Schwab One has BIG cash, C) Value WAY up since 3/31. 2) Spider UP in a half-hour. 3) Watch taped TV from last night during breakfast. 4) Wash dishes.

SHARON B. 23      4/19/07

She phoned about 3:45 to change time to 4:45, and I waited, playing Spider, until 4:38, then got caught with a lot of people coming on and off the elevator, so I got there at 4:49 and went right in, dropping my jacket on the floor next to my chair. Started right in on how awful the first few days of this week were: worry about getting the $300 check for stamps, getting things done, maybe a reaction to FINALLY mailing off the IRS stuff that had been on my mind for 5 months, leaving a "What do I do NOW?” feeling. Talked about the TIGHTNESS I get talking to Spartacus, who INSISTS on having his stupid questions answered, and Sherryl, who INSISTS on letting me do all the work for her birthday dinner. Sharon and I agreed that I could FEEL it coming on, and think of a way of BREAKING it before I get to the PHYSICAL feelings of discomfort: say that I have to go to the john, or someone's at the door ("They'll know what's going on," she insists), or (and I said I'd forget it in the next three minutes, which I didn't) "Well, sorry, I just don't feel like being a saint with you at the moment." I had to be nicer than they were because I was more perfect than they were. But now I have an excuse for getting short with them: I'm getting to be an old codger! Back at the poor few days, I remembered being at IBM with the feeling that "SOMETHING'S WRONG," which led me to quit eventually. It didn't get QUITE to that point, but I couldn't control waking up at 4 or 5AM, and couldn't control getting back to sleep, once even getting up at 5:45AM, knowing I'd be tired in the evening, and then even once lying down for a nap at 5PM. But though I could doze off doing puzzles, or looking at TV, or reading a book or magazine, I NEVER doze off doing Spider! I even said I was considering STARTING working on the website, rather than getting EVERYTHING ELSE done and then "plunking" hard into the new thing: I'd supposedly learned how to "curve" from one thing to another to make the transitions easier. "Oh," I said, "and people are beginning to PASS me on the sidewalk!" That NEVER happened before, and I felt like I'd LOST at some important race, disliking them for being younger and more energetic than I. When I mentioned Spartacus's endless questions, Sharon actually said that sometimes her HUSBAND does that, and she wants to ask him why he keeps INTERROGATING her---something's wrong with HIM, not with her, for getting annoyed at the unnecessary questions. At a time I said "Maybe I said this before," she rather curtly said, "You have my permission to repeat as much as you want; if it's on your mind, it's important." THAT was good! At the end I also suggested the lousy weather for the past week might have been part of it, and she enthusiastically agreed. Next week verified to be at the same time as this week, and "Enjoy your dinner at the Beard tonight," was her final line. I also mentioned the nice things about phone calls today: my lip-synch problem with Cable was easily solved, as were my ticket orders for ABT at the Met, Charles actually answering and saying he'd come to the cherries with me next Wednesday, and would phone me on Monday or Tuesday to say which evening's slides he would be able to see. Said that I could never seat 14, but two evenings of 7 were going to be very nice. I also mentioned, "It NEVER took me a month to recover from a trip." "But three weeks is a long time," she countered, and I said that the next trip will be much easier, even mentioning (maybe again) that I didn't have to extend trip TWO because trip THREE was going to the Ukraine with even more intensity. My hoarseness was in full reign, talking about the "ridiculous" $339 prescription, but maybe I could ask for something cheaper. And got back at 5:50 and now it's 6:05 and I feel a good shit coming on (after a tiring gym today), and then to dress in new clothes for the Beard! (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 24(RETURN TO SHARON B. 22)

SUNDAY, 4/22/07: 2:09PM: I just can't get away from Spider! After playing for 2:30 yesterday I managed to leap from a previous high of 48.93871 to a surprising 48.95849 after 7 wins! Then going on for 1:10 today I even reached a higher level after 3 wins: 48.96305, and I have to restrain myself from going back. Tried finishing the Zagat survey, but Juno kicked me off at the start of the W's and then wouldn't connect. Switch computers to try again now at 2:12PM. But it still didn't work. Caught up on the many hours of TV, having watched all the 12 hours of America at the Crossroads [and for some reason, did I reboot THIS computer? the space-ahead is moving at normal fast speed now], DVDed 5 hours of How Art Made the World, and watched That's Entertainment III last night after finishing with the prerecorded Lawrence of Arabia at two hours with a pretty cast. Oh, just reminded myself that I taped 2.5 hours last night to watch today. But at last I freed up Ken's VHS tapes to return to him, and started watching some of Spartacus's The Barbarians on DVD. Debated cumming this morning, but just didn't feel like it, instead putting up black plastic to make the slides effective in the 7PM sunlight Wednesday and Thursday, thinking at first to leave it up, but then the plight of the plants without sun until Friday morning got through to me and I took them down before watering. Still have to put Tuesday's Spanish slides together! And SCRIE is still sitting on my desk. And have to get Ken's and my accounts for Japan settled so I can give him his check when he watches the slides on Thursday. At least it's turned into spring: windows open slightly for moderate breezes, forsythia going and fruit trees blooming on Cadman Plaza and two trees in the Heights are definitely GREEN, while others remain quite gray-brown. Sort of decided NOT to go to MAN tomorrow night---just don't FEEL like it, but got to do the gym today, and will finish the tooth-whiteners (which don't seem to be doing any good, though Arnold says "authoritatively" that "They don't work after a certain age") tomorrow, would that I could say the same for the foot-fungus, and the forehead seems to have retained a bit too much remnant for my desires. But the thumb seems headed for total normal. Yet I've got two PIMPLES on my face: is the neck-acne spreading? Am I contaminating myself while using the lotions? And why was I so snotty (have so much snot; I wasn't TALKING to anyone) this morning? OK, back to Juno at 2:21? Nope, and notice a small red dot that appears on the tiny TVs in the lower right just BEFORE the notice "Can't connect; try later" comes on. At least this'll keep me at my desk. Well, let's LOOK at SCRIE; maybe I can get something OFF, starting at 2:24PM. Lots of questions for SCRIE, and tried Juno again at 3:11 and still no go. Time for lunch. Gym, dinner, sign off 10PM.

THURSDAY, 4/26/07: 9:05AM: LOTS to talk about: A) Questioned SCRIE and I seem to have everything together except for a notarized Letter of Retirement, which I do now until 9:30AM, Susie M. calling to say she can't come. B) Susie makes "cancellation" #10 for my slide-shows: 1) Piri has a back operation and can't do anything, 2) Judy had an angioplasty and has to rest for a week, 3) Charles said Bill had difficult oral surgery and so Charles has to stay with him on the Island until Saturday, 4) Fred said his aunt died, 5) Carolyn said her VCR broke down and she has to have it fixed, 6) and 7) Leon B. called to say he was 87 and she's soon to be 87 and they're just too tired, 8) Steve H. was out of town, 9) Sherryl is fatigued from chemotherapy, and 10) Susie. Only Spartacus and Stephanie showed up, and I managed to pull the projector down on my head AGAIN by sitting on the remote-control wire, thankfully not spilling my Amarula all over myself and the sofa, though I did manage to dislocate five or six aloes from their pot. Bill P. just didn't show up. Called HIM and he'd had a reading on Tuesday that he'd worked hard on and just FORGOT last night and can't make tonight, which at this point (optimistically!) includes 1) me, 2) Ken, 3) Mildred, and 4) Shelley, assuming that the B.s won't take my offer for tonight. C) Managed to finish the Zagat survey, taking THAT off the list. D) Managed, somehow, to misplace the Spider score-sheet! E) The Tuesday Spanish slides were a disaster: the projector kept "knocking" at slides, and finally wouldn’t re-adjust at ALL, and when I finally found how to take the tray out without returning it to zero I found that TWO of the plastic slides had managed to fall into the slot, which of course could in no way be returned to the narrow 140-slide reel opening. Will throw THAT carousel away, so I'll never have that problem again. Well, make a note that it has to be used to hold the narrower cardboard slides, anyway. Then some spilled out and I still haven't ordered them. F) Finally got to Newark Bound Brook Park for the cherry blossoms, some already finished, some not yet blossomed, and photoed a HAZMAT truck investigating a flow of fluorescent green fluid from a sewer pipe into Second River, spreading over Belgian blocks between cherries and forsythia. G) Finding typos above reminded me of how many typos I found in re-reading "The Old Old Man" which Marj said was so good---I really do make LOTS of errors! G) Have lots to say to Sharon this evening! Now to breakfast at 9:45AM and MUST do the gym today!

SHARON B. 24      4/26/07

First said that I felt EXHAUSTED after setting up for the slides again tonight and then going to the gym and getting back just in time to get to Sharon. Then went through a list of the "ups and downs" of the week: 1) The strangeness of having this "unknown" in the gym say to me, "All the women must love you; you have such beautiful legs," and then he shows up at Tuesday's slide-session: I'd SEEN him before but hadn't RECOGNIZED him at the gym! 2) The fact that all the old men in the SAGE group were coughing and hoarse and tired from the walk. 3) The B.s begging off the slide evenings because "I'm 87 and she's soon to be 87 and we're just tired." 4) The disappointment with the Midori concert (though Spartacus said she got great reviews), bolstering my argument that I just don't care for instrumental soloists. 5) Pleasure at getting a cheaper fare to the Balkans than Ken got. 6) The arguments with Mildred and Spartacus about who's right, which led Sharon to ask if I "had to know everything" when I was young, citing my "advancement into surrogate parenthood of my sister" taking away my childhood possibility of being wrong. I had to admit that there were very FEW times that I was actually WRONG in childhood, reminding me of my "teacher" talks to kids of 5 or 6 when I was 9 or 10, explaining how glass was made, what made the sun hot, etc. She said that thus I'd always demanded a lot of myself, and now feel disgusted with myself (at the end of a weekend, at which time I've felt bad now, during Sunday night-Monday morning, for two weeks) for "not having done enough." Though I admitted to the pleasure I felt when I did what I WANTED to do, and now, looking forward to the last set of slides tonight (having told her about the disastrous slide-show on Tuesday afternoon) (and my GREAT disappointment about having 7 people cancel from my Wednesday-night show, which she was at great pains to say that ANYONE would feel NORMAL disappointment at, even though I joked, "They just didn't want to see my slides!"), when I can just be "left alone," and in fact Friday I did almost NOTHING useful and watched Ken's tape and signed up for May 2 and May 3 $100 specials compared to the normal member's $150 price. She said she could understand all this, and I kept talking about balance: coming to the realization that I might be VENTING my anger with the people on the subway, which Spartacus said was only making it worse, and Carolyn said showed my sense of INFERIORITY and my need to assert myself (which Sharon said was just plain WRONG), to show myself that I'm NOT becoming the apathetic non-effector that my mother became as she was sinking into Alzheimer's, and Sharon noted at the top of her list that I again asked for the memory-retention test that I'd asked about a few weeks ago and which she hasn't yet found. She said I was only doing what the others on the subway wanted to do THEMSELVES, and I almost shouted, "Then they should support ME!" She ended it at 50 minutes, as usual, and I went to Key Food for everything I needed but oatmeal and raisins, next. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 25)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 23)

FRIDAY, 4/27/07: Put lots of things away, including the coffee table, last night before going to bed, quite drunk with Mildred's bottle of wonderful "Moscato: the gentle-sparkling wine," for $11 and one of Edgardo's reds with the pizza, to which Shelley added sushi and a can of Tab for herself, and Ken scarfed up much of the rest of Spartacus's chips and Steph's peas (when we all nixed his suggestion of adding red peppers or some vegetable to the mushroom and pepperoni pizza ordered for $15.50, tipped up to $18, for which Shelley contributed $8, Mildred $5, and Ken $4), the rest of which I threw out. Then somehow rubbed my cockhead raw at one edge trying to jerk off, but failing, and dreaming [DREAMS:4/27/07] to 10:10AM, making a late start in the day with Spider to 11:45AM and breakfast after noon, watching Ken's tape to take back tonight at the Beard, looking at Juno to forward the Finnair schedule to him, making the two Beard reservations and recording 4 charges from them on my Visa, one of which I hope is a duplicate. But still haven't washed the dishes or put Tuesday's slides away, but put on a recording of Eugene Onegin for tonight, and now have to get ready for the Beard at 6:25PM. 11:44PM: Which was WONDERFUL! The food was good (better than the appetizers: salmon tartare, crab cake, rice under veal under caviar, though the roasted oysters were FABULOUS, despite Ken's opinion to the contrary) and the table 7 was better than usual, with Bob and Barb and particularly Bob from Suffolk, whom I'd seen before, who was there alone, and left early to get a train home, but a wine expert, knowledgeable in travel, and a good table partner, with GREAT food, lots of good wine, people who shared with me (Ken gave me most of his "too fatty" Wagyu beef, which I thought was delicious), Barb gladly let me drink lots of her wine, and the "Yugoslavian twin" gave us more of the expensive red wine. Home feeling VERY good, lots of mail, decide to type this to 11:47PM, INDEED feeling VERY good.

SUNDAY, 4/29/07: 6:23PM: What a day! Wake and think, "WHAT did I want to see at the Met Museum in April?" and find that today's the LAST day of the exhibit with photos of the opening of Tut's tomb, so I have breakfast quickly and get out about 9:40AM to Tut at 10:20: not bothering to check coat, paying $1 entrance, and when I ask for the March-April Calendar they go below the desk to get it and charge me only $1 for both that AND the new May-June Calendar! I remark that I'll be coming in this day in two months for the same bargain, and she smiles the slightest acknowledging smile. To Tut, quite interesting, 10:20-10:53, blessedly almost empty, so I can page through the book at my leisure, and then peek in at the new Greek galleries 11-11:15AM, MUCH more extensive than the reviews would let on, and then out to the bus crosstown 11:28-11:38, the subway home 11:46-12:17, and have three pieces of buttered toast before getting out to the gym, having called Sherryl about phoning Landmarc to check with THEM if the construction next door, which she saw from a bus and is trying to make things difficult concerning, bothers the patrons. Gym goes quickly, and I'm out to put some very few things away before checking on the bus route to Fred's Goldstein's hosting of The Tourists reading, and get there just before 4PM to find Fred already the bartender with champagne, beer, and a very strong vodka cocktail, and an enormous table with sweet and incredibly pungent cheeses and five other kinds between, cold cuts of prosciutto and salami and pepperoni and ham, and plates of nuts (salted peanuts and pecans and almonds to be cracked, chocolate-coated many-sorts), a leek spread and a crab-cake spread, "Sugar" Goldstein's trademark deviled eggs, of which I had two (meaning four halves), and three champagnes, and talks with relatives and friends of the author, but I didn't buy the book. Nicely filled and chatted up, I say goodbye to everyone I know, including Madelyn, who shows up fairly late, and home at 6:15 to get messages from Ken about the trip (he got a hotel for 140€, found that the ferry is 30€ per person for a two-hour trip, and has booked most of the things that he hasn't tried bouncing off Mir) and Charles, who'll make our Heights House and Garden Tour reservations, and about 5/19 and 5/20 at the Met for good programs, and all the good things on TV tonight! Watch!

MONDAY, 4/30/07: [These three days reconstructed on 6/18/07, their page somehow never printed!] Finish reading Mayle: A Year in Provence. Watched two hours of The Mormons.

TUESDAY, 5/1/07: TV all day: First five hours of the last season of The Sopranos, third hour of The Impressionists, and the last three hours of Planet: Earth, all from DVDs from Spartacus. Then Beard #309 with Ken in the bedroom with two women besides Suzanne, dinner from the Mayan Riviera.

WEDNESDAY, 5/2/07: Beard #310 as a $100 special for a $150 meal, not really worth it, with Fred W. and Shanta, and their friends sexy Anthony and his wife Alla.

[The following session was printed out on an actual page.

SHARON B. 25      5/2/07

Got there a bit early and she took me a bit early: 6:13PM. Started by saying that thank goodness the start-week depression didn't take place this week, so I'm not making a habit of it. Said that things were going well, using Sunday as an example of "thinking of doing something," then doing it, being pleased with it, and pleased that it turned out well, instead of becoming something that I could just as well have done without. Early on, the question arose of "What should I be doing here? Is there some kind of progress report? Some kind of periodical summing up? She said in essence it was up to me: some people felt that they only wanted temporary help for a temporary crisis; others felt that they wanted to stop because they feared that the next step might lead to some kind of revelation, or insight, that they didn't want. She asked me about the good feeling that I'd reported coming to this session: did I feel that I wanted to stop? I said that, despite my early report of good feelings, there WAS a time when I remembered Sebastian Junger's graphic description of drowning from The Perfect Storm, and felt that it was a long time since I'd reveled in the thought of a horrible way of dying. She said that I'd come to a number of insights about my mother and my striving for perfection, and my fear of committing to a relationship, after she'd said something about how I could maybe concentrate more on my dreams, even though I said I seldom had any of the long, elaborate, seemingly mystical dreams that I often had on trips, but she insisted that the unmediated, un-thought-about dreams were possibly even more important. When we talked about my pushing away people that I thought might want to come inappropriately close, I thought about my dream this very morning, about the young woman who wanted to get closer to me than I'd wanted her to, and I kept pushing her away, and Sharon's and my talk changed to how I hold myself back from people, and I reminded her of my feelings of good in the past when I was IN a relationship that permitted me to be close, physically and emotionally and even intellectually, to some one person, how good that felt, and how bad it felt that I didn't have it now, but that it would take a risk for me to go out: risking rejection, to try to get a new person to fill that close position. I'd mentioned that I was disappointed at the last SAGE walk that the person that I'd liked talking to the first two times wasn't present at this third one, and there was no one I felt really like talking with. Talked again about how good I felt in the baths when I bargained with myself to be turned down by as many as I turned down, but never got to that number, but the rules had changed now, and New York was ALWAYS a very bad town to cruise in, and she admitted that she didn't know that, and it made it more understandable that I was reluctant to put myself out to be rejected in a city NOTED for its highly opinionated cruising. I said that there were places where older men went to meet younger men, sometimes for money, and I just couldn't think of the term "wrinkle room," though I knew there was a terribly disparaging term for such places, which still existed, but I was so out of practice that even the THOUGHT of going to such a place made me concerned and depressed about the ideas of failure. She kept saying that I was such a good person, and even though only 2% of the population might value those things that I'd developed since I'd gotten older, that I kept thinking that since the weather was getting nicer, and my list of things was getting smaller, that maybe I COULD take advantage of the spring, and my time, to go to some of these places and see if something MIGHT happen. I said that MAN was getting toward the summer, when I would go less since they concentrated on the beach, where I wasn't interested in the sand or the sun or the sea. If I got a foreign visitor, I'd have to pull out a two-month-old magazine and see where the new addresses were; it wasn't like it was before AIDS came along. I threw in a few more details of the week: the website breakthrough on Monday, Sunday's good feeling, the three Beards this week, and said that I probably SHOULD (not using that word!) try going out and meeting someone to love me. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 26)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 24)

THURSDAY, 5/3/07: [This day reconstructed on 6/18/07, the page was somehow never printed!] Beard #311, Britain, $100 special for a $150 meal, specializing in pudding, with a beautiful Darren, married, living in Dumbo, and I gave both him and the Brit next to me, who came out during dinner, my card, but neither got in touch with me. Damn!

[The following four days were printed out on an actual page.]

FRIDAY, 5/4/07: 4:05PM: Decide to bite the bullet and try settling the HIP bill. Find that the WINDOWS button reduced WP to get Spider while I dial!

SUNDAY, 5/6/07: 10:11AM: Well, a nondescript weekend: did the puzzles on Saturday, went to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden on Friday, went to Trestle on Tenth for dinner with Ken and saw an acceptable adaptation of an Oscar Wilde short story at the Hudson Guild on Friday. Disastrous scores on Spider led me to "just a small increase each morning" mode, and got the SLIGHTEST increase after just over an hour this morning, and Charles called about calling back at 11AM when the Tribeca Film Festival ticket office opens so he can find out WHERE our movie is this afternoon, and I've GOT to have breakfast now!

MONDAY, 5/7/07: 7:56AM: Woke at 5:30AM with abdominal pain that made me think of my appendix. Thought of what I'd have to take along if I called an ambulance to take me to LICH emergency. Then thought I might walk it. Shit, tried Actualism, but got up about 6:30AM to have breakfast, just in case, and charged my cell phone, which was completely dead, and put my earplugs in my pocket and my phonebook and facemask on my "to go out" shelf. Then it was just an occasional twinge and so I refilled my pill box, put Charles's check in a deposit envelope, put things (another twinge!) away from the weekend, and started watching Gertrud from Ken. For the moment, just decide to call C. at 9AM to see if he has the shingles shot, but go in anyway? Really feel in a quandary. No energy for completing the HIP grievance letter, so I guess I'll go back to TV now at 8:03AM. Phone C. at 9:03, Donna says, "11:45?" and I say I'll be in right away. Out at 9:09 and get there at 9:20, wait at the desk to be recognized, and at 9:24 get "Have a seat." C. calls me VERY quickly at 9:32, and I go through my list: 1) can't be appendicitis because there's no "mass," 2) my colonoscopy from 6/10/06 (I'd said 12-18 months ago) showed diverticulosis, and he called what I had "spastic colon"; wouldn't prescribe antibiotics yet, and said that if the pain didn't go away in 2-3 days, my diverticulosis (presence of diverticula) may have degenerated into diverticulitis (inflammation of diverticula); avoid alcohol (this attack may have stemmed from my "6 glasses of wine each evening Tuesday-Thursday" at the Beard), 3) the stool test was "negative on all three plates," 4) my feet didn't look fungal, but maybe "soak in Epsom salts," 5) he'll test for asthma with a spirometry, a pulmonary function test, 6) he'll have the shingles shot maybe later today, but not now. I'm out of his hectic office (phone rings twice, someone knocks on door for an emergency) at 9:45, to second-floor Special Services at 9:50, out at 10:24 with appointment for 5/29 at Brookdale, then to CVS for the Mefloquine prescription which "the guide" says I can only have for a month at a time, which is ludicrous for Mefloquine, but I brag and say, "I'm not going on the trip for 6 weeks, so I can renew it before I leave," and out of CVS at 10:40. Home at 10:45, phone Spartacus to complain, he phones back later to ask me for brunch and "25-30 minutes' help" on his new phone's manual, getting there at 12, which I'll start moving toward now at 11:50AM. Brunch there, he's got to charge his phone, so he doesn't need me now. Play Spider 1:40-2:30 and 5:35-8:35, just because I can, and I'm delighted that I'm down to NINE stacks, but add another to note to myself to pick up the CVS Mefloquine. So if I can only do ONE a day, this week, I'll be CAUGHT UP. Send Marj three dream files, if she wants them---nothing about Word-tracking, which I'll try NOW at 8:35PM!

WEDNESDAY, 5/9/07: 6:15PM: Decide to write journal stuff before getting to Sharon's page for today. Monday: Word-tracking seemed inscrutable, watch The Tudors, and play 4:55 hours of Spider! Tuesday: get the letter out to HIP, bitching about 1) the letter, 2) the payment, 3) Mefloquine needing TWO times, 4) just don't say no. Then decide I MUST look at the Mir packet I got yesterday, and find that I have to have my passport to them by May 22! Spend almost an hour on the phone with passport people (and finally get a Friday appointment for pages!), spending over 3 hours playing Spider while waiting for all their messages, and even get another call from Rita, and I'm sort of wondering what she's calling me so much for? Getting the stacks down, so this morning I'm out to shop, and triumph with 9 T-shirts, 9 shorts, 4 belts, jock strap, bathrobe for $10, two candy bars, and 4 videotapes! Pick up Mefloquine before Sharon.

SHARON B. 26      5/9/07

Get there at 5:13PM and peek in to see her welcoming me. Start with my extreme IRRITABILITY this week: 1) with my sister, who seems to be calling for no good reason, 2) with Mildred, wanting me to order Fresh Direct food for her with my computer but not ASKING that, 3) with HIP for needing the Grievance and Appeal letter, 4) with the building for putting up scaffolding ALL DOWN PINEAPPLE WALK and in front for NO GOOD REASON, 5) with the passport people for taking all that time on messages, but at least at last getting me a Friday appointment. Then talk of the good things: 1) great dinners Wednesday and Thursday with sexy guys, the Bristol guy's easy coming out REALLY surprising me, 2) Spartacus's question "Why didn't you think of calling me to escort you on the ambulance?", 3) and getting all the things DONE. Then mentioned this morning's dream, which had her copying furiously as I told about my "judging panel" critiquing the "purity" of his movements, and saying how I was put in memory of my Catholic upbringing: masturbation a sin which will throw you into hell, which may contribute to my fear of death; being gay will send you to hell also. I retold of my "instant rejection of Catholicism" through Laird's remark about Jim's "sex on Saturday and church on Sunday." She definitely thought that was productive, praising my capturing even such a little dream and bringing up so much of the past. Then told of the bad things: 1) my "appendicitis" scare on Monday, 2) my hearing that my diverticulosis might advance to diverticulitis if I eat too much or have too much alcohol, 3) my penile trauma when I really didn't do THAT much to damage it, leading me to think that "it might be taken away." She very much sympathized with all of this, saying it surely MUST be worrying. I concluded with something like: "Even if Darren would call to see me, what would I do? Kiss him? Hold him? Surely not have sex with him. Just enjoy being around someone so attractive and pleasant?" She really looked forward to devoting more time to looking at my repression from school days: I couldn't be gay, I couldn't masturbate, and I mentioned my mother finding my autoerotic drawings which didn't flush down the toilet, but she managed to "not want to know" until I told her, after Rita said she probably knew but didn't want to admit it. And then she blamed herself, though I assured her that she had nothing to do with it, and anyway I was happy with it. Talked of leaving Ohio, since it seemed to be only a place of repression and non-sexuality, enjoying New York with its abundant gay life, even though revisits to Ohio showed me that the bar scene was MUCH more pleasant and accepting there, when I went back when Dad was dying, even though Mom didn't want me to enjoy myself because Dad WAS dying. Again mentioned Uncle Edward and Don O. being the only two people who said they wished I hadn't told them, though I'd had a crush on Edward and certainly was NOT attracted to Don. Two different cases, though they both remain in touch and friendly. Mentioned my coming out to the couple on the Morocco trip, and being surprised when Ken came out one evening at the Beard. I remarked how nice it was when I didn't have to entertain the table with my travel anecdotes: everyone can tell their own stories and have a good time. Summed up my irritability by saying I just wanted to be LEFT ALONE, to do things on my own, though I was concerned because Sherryl hasn't called back yet (though it's only been 29 hours) and Marj didn't call. When at the end she asked how I felt, I said I definitely didn't feel irritable, had gotten it out of my system, was looking forward to enjoying my evening and weekend, and she finished the session at 6PM, getting me out at 6:03PM, so it does definitely seem to be a fifty-minute hour for her! (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 27)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 25)

Note: 6:42PM: Glad to finish Sharon's page, and have to note how delighted I am to look out my window and see them planting trees all day in the garden below, with huge concrete cubes which will be planters, I guess, in the central area, and it looks like they'll be finishing up there fairly soon, after "only" about two years! Now to hope that our scaffolding isn't up much beyond September! Marj called with a message: the files won't open! Maybe I could try, now, opening "WP for DOS" files in my WP? Well, it worked. But not for her. She said to call at 8:30PM. I phoned Economy Foam and they said they'd fill the seat-form while I waited. Looked at the Dell laptop and debated more. Made another pile: get shingles shot from C.. Still 9 stacks! But maybe I'll bite the bullet and get the Schwab base prices now.

THURSDAY, 5/10/07: 7:28AM: It appears that TODAY is going to be a pivotal one: if I can complete the following tasks, I'll be CAUGHT UP with the things that have been preying on my mind to be done, not only since the pileup after my Japan trip, but from the beginning of the year: 1) get the shingles shot from C., which has been "on the way" for over a year, 2) phone in the Schwab cash-basis amounts that have been pending since my first quarterly report in September, 3) phone about the Dell laptop, the last from the pile after the Japan trip, 4) get a new foam filling for my TV chair, also "to be done" for about a year. That will leave the remaining stacks on my coffee table at a wonderfully manageable four: 1) Pinnacle, pending since I got the desktop Dell about four years ago, 2) website, started a year and a half ago, 3) proofreading, sitting there since before the Japan trip, and 4) Met Opera tickets---oh, well, THAT is the last from the pile after the Japan trip. But other tasks have been piling up "in the back of my mind," like 1) file the souvenir stack beside my desk, 2) soak the stamps and process the coming Kenmore 500, 3) find better storage for my past-trip slides, probably in the Kodak-empty-box box on top of that storage facility, 4) update my videos list, now that I have four empty tapes to luxuriate in recording. Not to mention the OTHER things to do today: 1) watch the two-hour Inquisition tape from last night, 2) watch the last DVDed Tudors and return DVDs to Spartacus, 3) get groceries, 4) type the dream from this morning. Nothing like four groups of four to "do" on this pivotal day! 1:35PM: Got the shingles shot, have to MAIL the Schwab cash-basis amounts to Kenneth, who's put me down for a gain-loss update, ORDER a Dell laptop from convincing Brian G. for $803, and the foam is in process. Then did "today's" list except for the two-hour Inquisition saved for tonight. HOORAY!! 4:20PM: Home with new cushion, and got AARP vitamins. Warm. Play more Spider, just to celebrate BEING CAUGHT UP! But from 4:20-8:05, when I FINALLY get two wins, my score has DROPPED hideously. UGH!! Then see that I should have been taping The Butterfly Effect, put it on, and it looks vaguely familiar, and it turns out I saw it in 2004, but it looks interesting, so I put in a luxurious new tape and set it up to record for four hours so I can space back to see the beginning of the second showing, then go back to see the rest from 8:20PM onward. Before that, I brushed the foam-dust off the chair seat and got out the vacuum to clean up the carpet, and, of course, the belt breaks. But where did I put the vacuum cleaner bags and extra belts? Look in the kitchen cabinets, not there; in the far mirrored cabinets, not there; maybe in the bedroom chests? No. In the file cabinet? No. In the hall closet? Above in the bedroom closet? Above my clothes? No, no, no. Really losing it! Disgusted, I read a New Yorker until 11PM and go to bed, but then get up again to try the kitchen lower cabinets, get a chair to look into the upper cabinet in detail, getting out the plastic bag filled with old stuff, but it's just knickknacks, Look in the mirrored cabinets again, move the stuff away from the far closet door and poke at the top and bottom--- nothing; nothing. Then search the linen cabinet more fully and THERE are the vacuum bags, half a dozen or more, and THERE is ONE spare vacuum belt, and NOW I have to add an item: buy more spare vacuum belts if the store even STOCKS them now!

FRIDAY, 5/11/07: 6:50PM: Went to bed, relieved that I'd found the vacuum belt, at 12:01AM. Woke ONLY at 4:30AM, great to know I'm only waking ONCE this morning, and get up at 8 to watch The Butterfly Effect, which I REALLY don't remember, which is VERY frightening! Write out all the cash-basis prices on a letter to P., and then mail it. Talk to Spartacus, get out at 12:35PM for the Passport Office, getting to end of LONG line at exactly 1PM, and wait with SCREAMING Muslim kid and impassive mother, and get to window at 2PM to be told to drop my application and passport in the mailbox; it'll be back in 7 days. It better be! Bizarrely hadn't taken a pen with me, so borrow one to make out the envelope and the $60 check, not noting what check number it was. Home at 2:30, tired, but on an impulse put on records (first in a LONG time) and put away the souvenir stack, just about filling the Temp File box. Next step will be a MAJOR one. Put on the belt and vacuum, then decide to continue with the good stuff by washing dishes, the powdered foam causing LOTS of messes around the sink (which I finally clear up), feeling great. Put the Metropolitan Opera brochure on the shelf, figuring I can't do anything until they accept single-opera orders, add the belt wrapper to get more, just put the passport and visa stuff on a pile until I get my passport back, getting LITTLE mail the past few days, though I also put away the AARP vitamins today. Now there are all of FIVE piles: 1) Pinnacle, 2) website, 3) proofreading, 4) visas, and 5) vacuum belt---VERY MANAGEABLE. Put on the radio but move out of the room, sorry that it didn't rain when it looked so promisingly gray to the north, feeling humid in only an undershirt (new, what added luxury, though I already sullied it with salad dressing from lunch) and shorts, and now that I'm totally caught up I can play some Spider at 7PM.

SATURDAY, 5/12/07: 7AM: Bed at 11:45PM and up only at 5:15AM to pee, start Actualism, but can't get back to sleep. Make 5/12/07 do-list: 1) file slides, 2) number videotapes, 3) get DVD to test Spartacus's copy non-protect, 4) reserve library books, 5) get vacuum belts, 6) process Mir Russia-visa, 7) index resume out, 8) re-send Loom/Luxury corrections to Tris, 9) Scotch tape? buy?, 10) Shelley: National Geographic opinion? Won't renew? And then, on the side, stuff due in: 1) stamps, 2) chair, 3) passport, 4) laptop, 5) Schwab statements, 6) Met single-ticket sales. Last night I felt so industrious that, after checking e-mail, I sent Tris memo 7, getting THAT off my mind. Just decide to get out of bed, since I can't sleep anymore, and type this to 7:07AM and start looking at what to do on my list. So the CRUX DAY has passed, and I'm now filling the usual vacuum of "few stacks left to handle" by making yet another do-list, taking many "gotta get to's" off my mind and onto paper.

SHARON B. 27      5/16/07

Should have taken the cell phone to call her from the Met when La Bayadere ran to 4:50PM and I only got there at 5:25, but she said I could go through to 6:15. Told of forgotten dream with "foreboding," and felt frightened and afraid but still couldn't remember details. I repeated lots of "retreating when I felt I couldn't be perfect," and that's why I don't try to meet new people, because I'm not competent, perfect, can't perform. I keep making demands on myself and others, yet still want someone who, as she says, "Will be with you, and have maybe some sex, but just be close and supporting," while not being the people who WANT to be supportive that I DON'T want closer to me because they're not who I want FOREVER. Lots of silence, lots of compliments from her about being a wonderful, attractive, caring person who's looking for the same. She insists I get the "memory test" from a psychologist because her contact won't be back from vacation for a long time. I repeat "no terrible plane dreams: one point FOR getting older is I can doze off, even on a long flight, or in a movie, like Spartacus." Looking forward to next trip, which is on my own, so maybe I can meet some adventures in "getting to know" by myself. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 28)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 26)

MONDAY, 5/21/07: 1:10PM: Catching up on everything, printing old DREAM page [DREAMS:5/21/07], and transcribing note from, I think, Saturday: 5:30AM: take Ambien (to sleep 4 hours) and diazepam (to perk up), and wake at 8:55, after 3:25 sleep, and up at 9:10 to start day. Now to go to Juno to finish message to Susan.

WEDNESDAY, 5/24/07: 10:05AM: Sift over past notes to find that my piles are somewhat the same and somewhat different: 1) Pinnacle, 2) website, 3) proofreading: these are from before. 4) LF file to Tris again, 5) slides, 6) laptop, 7) angiogram, 9) replacement trip are relatively new: slides have taken an ungodly amount of time because it's been so difficult sorting through the old lists and new slide-trays to come up with definitively numbered new lists, laptop is new but I have make sure I can transfer files out of it to my old Dell in 21 days or it’ll be of no use to me; angiogram will wait until after the results of my spirometry, though it seems more and more clear that something might be wrong OTHER than with my lungs (namely with my arteries), and the replacement trip comes up because on 5/18 I got a call from OAT saying, for the SECOND time, they didn't have enough people for my upcoming trip, and now it's moved to November, when they do have enough people already. Look through OAT brochures and Archaeological Tours brochures to see that nothing that I really want is going in the newly vacated late-June to early-July slot, so I think of going to Liberty Travel with fantasies of getting an all-encompassing Aruba-Bonaire-Curacao-Surinam-Guyana-French Guiana trip during that time using some of my frequent-flyer miles. Now note astounding progress on the park between 75 Henry and 101 Clark: not only have they finally filled the areas with dirt (having already cleared off the truckload of soil they got yesterday by blocking Cadman Plaza, unloading dirt onto blue tarpaulin on the sidewalk, and wheelbarrowing dirt up a ramp and through the building for some filling-in on the Henry Street side, but they erected trellis walks in a single day; put in a green-plastic kiddy playground yesterday afternoon, and are now starting to fill in the lower bites taken out of the concrete building struts, but they still have over a dozen chunks to be filled in all up and down the south facade facing me, and I can see at least one erosion on the east-facing facade just visible from my window. Hope I don't get a permanent component of screaming kids in the playground below. Getting things done, like mailing things off that I haven't gotten responses back for, like SCRIE and HIP repayment and Kenmore stamps, now almost three weeks out; using New York, like the two days at the Met for Papua New Guinea presentations, two ABT productions with sexy Marcelo Gomes, Sherryl's birthday restaurant Landmarc, last night's P.J. Clarke's meal OK with Charles; keeping up with Sharon, including tonight, and the gym, overdue by one day today; and the iris garden, about which I have to call Susie now at 10:30AM.

SHARON B. 28      5/23/07

"My life is falling apart" is how I started: described blood from penis, two sessions of nausea, forgetting names (couldn't remember Tony Soprano's WIFE), but said things had been good with museums, ballet, meals, and she said friends "really stirred the pot" when they mentioned possible angiograms, sarcoid, and other conditions. Described dreams [DREAMS:5/23/07] of "apotheosis" and "stamps"; detailing connections, ended saying, "I wish I didn't complain," but she said that complaining was a way of DEALING with it, so OK! My throat seized up at a point near the start, but it went, obviously psychological, telling of fear, but it was good to talk about it because I felt better afterward. I didn't want to call C. because I wanted to feel OK, not sick, which seemed so silly when I talked about it I checked his hours when I could phone him soonest. She kept complimenting me, took notes on dreams, sympathized about my canceled trip and thoughts of making a substitute, said I was still mainly cheerful, and saw me out at 6PM, when I'd made my list to go to Key Food and shop again. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 29)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 27)

This is what I'd typed on a page, not yet printed: Called P.J. Clarke's again at 10:15 and they'd recorded the wrong phone number, had been trying to get me: they HAVE my Visa card! Get on the subway at 10:23PM, postponing dinner, and get there, they say they don't know who turned it in, so I can't tip them for doing it, and I say, "This only happens once every twenty years," and get back to look at my watch after leaving the subway to see 11:22PM, so it took just about an hour. Have about my fourth hamburger in two days, with popcorn, and get to bed at 12:30, to be wakened at 2:30AM by Charles calling to say he's just going to bed and has no alarm clock, so can I phone him in the morning! Get up at 6AM and can't go back to sleep, so I update the MEDICAL file and destroy the NOTEREPL file. DAMNDAMNDAMN!!!