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2007 May thru September


7:25AM: What a fucking STUPID, RIDICULOUS thing to happen: I'd typed a section for this morning, and wanted to check something from the MEDICAL file, so I pressed the WINDOWS button to store the current WP51 with NOTEREPL on the bottom border, and then opened another WP51, getting the question: "Are there two running?" So I tried to say "Yes," and it said, "What directory do you want to use?" and I thought to try getting WP51/MC as my default, so I said WP51/MC, and it gave it to me, and I looked at what I wanted in the MEDICAL file and closed it and clicked on the WP51 on the bottom border, said it was the only one running, and started typing in NOTEREPL, but kept getting "default file error, press any key to continue," which I did three or four times, and then when I stored NOTEREPL, and looked at the directory, NOTEREPL HAD VANISHED! Looked at various directories, and it just wasn't there! NINETY-EIGHT PAGES LOST! DAMNDAMNDAMN!!! 7:37AM: Checked the MC file from 7/6/06 and it just has ELEVEN pages of NOTEREPL. LOST! FUCK!!!! Can only hope to EVENTUALLY scan all the typed pages in to reconstitute the file. This is what I'd typed on page 98, not yet printed: Called P.J. Clarke's again at 10:15 and they'd recorded the wrong phone number, had been trying to get me: they HAVE my Visa card! Get on the subway at 10:23PM, postponing dinner, and get there, they say they don't know who turned it in so I can't tip them for doing it, and I say, "This only happens once every twenty years," and get back to look at my watch after leaving the subway to see 11:22PM, so it took just about an hour. Have about my fourth hamburger in two days, with popcorn, and get to bed at 12:30 to be wakened at 2:30AM by Charles calling to say he's just going to bed and has no alarm clock, so can I phone him in the morning! Get up at 6AM and can't go back to sleep, so I update the MEDICAL file and destroy the NOTEREPL file. DAMNDAMNDAMN!!!

SHARON B. 29                                                  5/30/07

She's late, taking me about 5:25, and I start with the hundred pages lost. She sympathizes with me, telling of an experience she had like that. I moan about my physical limitations, but mention that my EKG and pulmonary test were normal. Still have blood test, stress test, and psychologist for memory test. Complained, but then said I said goodbye, maybe forever, to Mildred, though having to confess after "I didn't say anything," that I HAD said something that implied she wasn't the most important person in my life. Now I just don't feel like typing more. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 30)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 28)


Can't even think how to START this, except that I can't put NOTEBOOK - 1 for the titles on the previous page, so decide I have about four NOTEBOOK files before this and start numbering these 501. Find that I SAVED (on page 501) what would have been NOTEBOOK - 98 from the lost file, so I have 97 pages lost (not counting the title page at the back), and then THIS morning found a WP51 backup CD dated 9/16/06 that has a copy of the first 36 pages, so since the four missing pages 67, 69, 90, and 92 from the printed pages lowered the pages-to-be-scanned to 93, reducing that by 36 results in 57 pages to be scanned, almost bearable. To briefly summarize the page-crisis: I first thought, in shock, that there was nothing I could do about it. But then I phoned Owen, who suggested I use the SEARCH option on Windows, but I tried and tried all kinds of combinations, finally finding that SEARCH didn't even consider ANY files from WP51 AS files, and it couldn't even find data that I KNEW were in existing files. Left another message with him saying that, and [oh, THAT's a relief: had been observing a pigeon on a ledge on about the fifth floor of 75 Henry, moving a wing out so strangely that I assumed it was dying, and dreaded the thought of a body decaying on the ledge until it was somehow removed, or blown off, and just now it FLEW AWAY!] when I didn't get a return call from him, called him about a week later to say that HiTec found nothing, could he suggest anything more? And he called back in five minutes, apologizing, saying unless I wanted to spend maybe $1500 to get OnTrack to say it couldn't be retrieved, I'd better consider it lost. Phoned Geek Squad when Marj recommended it, but they couldn't come until June 18, even though I phoned them between 7AM and 8AM, as suggested, on Monday and Tuesday, June 4-5, but they said they had no cancellations. Then Ken recommended HiTec, I phoned them, Greg came out the next day, Wednesday the 6th, competently Polish, took the hard drive, said he'd call that afternoon, and didn't call until Friday morning, when he returned it, put it back, left a screwdriver, and said he'd tried TWO programs that didn't work, and probably OnTrack wouldn't find anything more, and to cancel Geek Squad because they're incompetent. So now I just accept it as something I'll have to do myself, maybe doing 4 pages an hour, or 14 hours if I'm very lucky with light-ribbon pages. Watched Ken's 5 tapes starting 5/31, SIXTEEN movies before returning the tapes to him on 6/4, then five movies from Spartacus's tapes on 6/7 and 6/8, along with other films I'd recorded. Then decided I had to read the books due 6/12: I'd read Milk, finished Under the Glacier on 6/7, and struggled mightily to get through The Cosmic Landscape by 6/10, nodding through much of it. Back to other duties: on Sunday morning 6/3 decided to try to fix things with Mildred, and actually did in about an hour and a half, then having lunch with her at Landmarc at Time Warner on Wednesday. Going back to the 5/12 do-list: 1) finally finished filing slides away 5/31, 2) numbered videotapes 5/12, 3) got DVD to test Spartacus's ability to copy file-protected DVDs (which he actually hasn't done yet) 5/18, 4) reserved library books 5/12, and sadly they all came in! 5) got vacuum belts 5/17, 6) processed Mir Russia-visa form 5/18 (which hasn't gotten back YET!), 7) index resume out to someone 5/12, 8) resend Loom/Luxury with corrections to Tris maybe TODAY, since I went through all the corrections (actually hadn't DONE about half of them!)(and still haven't corrected the right-justification of last half) yesterday, Sunday, 9) Scotch tape buy 5/16, 10) Shelley doesn't like National Geographic either on 5/12, and I gave Charles HIS form 6/8 if he wants to renew. As for the stuff due in: 1) stamps came in 5/25 and I just sorted by country, counted, and put them away for later, realizing that I could ENDLESSLY postpone getting to the website, which Carolyn ripped into me about in a message on Friday 6/8, 2) chair came in 5/16, permanently flawed because the backrest won't stay up, but it does support my lower back, looks better than the old, and the armrests are plastic and don't get soggy with sweat, 3) passport with pages came back 5/15, which I then sent out for Mir Russia visa, 4) laptop came 5/15, sat for a long time, and then I got to IT on Sunday, finding lots puzzling, and this morning I almost went BALLISTIC over the number of problems with it (see below), 5) Schwab stats came 5/14, and I could put everything in order, though with the 5/31 summaries came $14,000 to invest, with more thousands coming in the coming weeks, 6) Met single tickets resolved 5/17 when I phoned to be told the single-ticket order forms will be out in August, 7) Marj was sent disk on 5/12, and 8) SCRIE and 9) HIP pay have yet to come in. Then came a do-list on Sunday morning at 3:23: 1) backup MC on 2 CDs, which I did at 8:10AM, 2) Ken, which WORD do you have? (which he called back to say was 97SR1, whatever that means, but certainly NOT the Tris-specified 2007 for tracking capabilities), 3) LF to Tris, which I worked on a lot, but still didn't get done, 4) AlphaSmart to Dell, which went OK, 5) Laptop to Dell, which is STILL a pain, 6) finish Susskind book, which I did, 7) WHEN see Ken for returning his two VHSs, and it's Tuesday but he doesn't need tapes, and 8) check floppies for NOTEREPL, but they didn't have any, which I checked before 4:26AM, still trying Actualism to get to sleep, but at 4:26 I took Ambien and diazepam and slept quickly and woke at 8:10, OK. Then today, Monday, at 7:03AM, made another list after 6:40 sleep: 1) Carolyn, what WORD do YOU have, and it's 2003, so not good, 2) Microsoft: a) tracking in 97 (me), 97SR1 (Ken), 2003 (Carolyn)?, b) how much money for newest? c) IN Word 97, how to search for topless box? 3) burn Dell CD or ask Microsoft, which I'll have to do, because WPS is HORRIBLE with labels, responses, reflexes, junk, 4) check website, do WORD hyphens work, and they DO, and about Wolsey's death, both a bio and EB saying he died "on the way to London." 5) Make LFHD non-right-justified and send to Tris. BUT lots of today was taken by mollifying Carolyn, who thinks I'm OK now, and she'll check out Crave to see if they serve lunch; if so, I'll treat her; Tris, who lets me quickly return to day for brushing teeth after breakfast, gym, with lunch and more tooth-brushing before I go to G. for a checkup at 4PM. So now that's more or less up to date (WITHOUT Dell files, TK) now at 2:40PM, starting to watch Ken's fun South Park Go God Go.

SUNDAY, 6/3/07: 5:40AM: I just can't sleep, though I've only had a little over six hours sleep. Filing slides had led me to messing up my "pile of stacks" on the coffee table, and the slides had taken about two weeks, but finally yesterday I managed to sort through the "re-piled stacks" and came up with ten: 1) Pinnacle, 2) website, 3) proofreading, 4) resend Short Fiction file (which groups the first four into "Website" tasks); 5) retrieve the lost NOTEREPL file, 6) learn laptop (which groups these two into "Computer" tasks); 7) HIP-bill reply, 8) SCRIE reply (which groups these two into "Wait for it" tasks); 9) travel-in-June, 10) C. blood test. But there are others waiting in the wings: 11) credit-card control, involving a) canceling cards very much out of date, which don't offer insurance just because I still have them open, b) seeing which I've committed to a certain billing in the next few months, giving me my benefits but then allowing me to cancel after 6-12 months, c) whatever else may be involved. 12) talk to Mildred, which came up when I couldn't sleep this morning, involving a) making a list of topics, like the following: A) please NEVER say, "You always," or "You never," because even I don't know what I "always" or "never" do, and when YOU say it, I just get MAD because I've learned not to ARGUE with you because YOU get mad, and then we can't talk anymore, B) NEVER repeat what simply isn't true, like "You're not considerate" or "You've never respected me" or "You don't like me" or whatever you usually add to that list that simply drives me CRAZY, C) You have to permit me to "make mistakes" when I'm talking to you, not simply get mad and start screaming at me, D) If you can agree to these, or simply agree to THINK about my point of view on these, we can talk again; if you can't, we'll find life easier by staying out of contact. Well, now I can start watching Ken's movies until [hmm, just usefully proved a number of things: 1) when I mistyped "respected" as "respcted (leaving out the middle e)" it automatically added the e; 2) when I type a mistype it doesn't know how to correct, it underlines it and I can go back to hm (underlined in red) and correct it to hmm (which isn't underlined); 3) when I misread "You have 52 seconds left without charging your battery" as "You have 52 minutes left..." and the computer shut down, when I plugged it in, it automatically restarted, having saved my very last input; 4) when I want "I" italicized or underlined, I simply hit the "I" or the "U" above for the character, and then hit it again and it goes off after the single character; 5) I can hit setup, I guess, to correct the time. Time to stop this---and just found out how the new page looks---and now I can try "Hibernate" to see how THAT works! Yes, found that hitting F1 give me some menu, but the Hibernate is in BLUE, and look to see that Fn, below, is in blue, so when I hit Fn-F1, the screen went blank, but other lights kept on blinking, so I thought to come out of hibernation by hitting Fn-F1 again, but it shut the machine OFF, though it returned to this when I turned it on again. Let's see what "Stand by" does.]

SHARON B. 30                                                  6/7/07

I'd changed to Thursday because of my osteoarthritis (which turned out to be osteoporosis) talk on Wednesday, and then she phoned yesterday to see if I couldn't make it on Friday, which I couldn't, but I said she could cancel till next week if she wanted to, and then she phoned about 2:45PM, when I was at the gym, to say she'd not gotten a taxi, missed the train, and would be 15-20 minutes late. I got there at 4:45, having her co-worker say she wasn't in today, but I said she was coming in late, and Sharon arrived at 4:47 and took me in at 4:48. First I told her about convincing Mildred that I "cared" about her, and we had lunch on Wednesday which went well, but now she knows that I can cut off the relationship if she does things I don't like. Then described the expertise of the guy from HiTec who picked up my hard drive on Wednesday morning, said he'd call back that day, hadn't called back yet, and maybe I'll call him tomorrow, but I don't want to bug him (and increase my bill). THEN read my three dreams from this morning [DREAMS:6/7/07], which really impressed her, trying to get me to say something about the severed heads, but then she let that drop and I went right on to the sexy guy. Couldn't even get much of a rise out of my father's being in France, though I did say that I remember the ashtray from Metz, which is now in France. Talked about previous elevator dreams (she talked about my contentment in being in an elevator WITH NO CONTROL) which were actually DANGEROUS, which this one was not, and we agreed that no dream showed great anxiety. Then I went on about my good blood-test results from C., with improvement in some readings so good I feared there might have been something wrong with the test itself. Told of my blowing up waiting for SCRIE and HIP replies because I had nothing significant to occupy my mind otherwise. She talked about the hot floor in the kitchen in the dream as "Do you feel you're in a hot seat?" I suggested that I made fewer mistakes earlier in life because I was even more controlling and planned ahead even more ferociously, whereas now, realizing there are so many things about age and weight and attractiveness that I can't control, I'm relinquishing control without feeling threatened about it, even though, when something REALLY bad goes wrong, like the deleted 98 pages, I DO feel very bad and beat myself up for being stupid. She thanked me for being flexible in my time in seeing her, and talked about other people she was seeing this evening, and I expressed relief that she wasn't making the long trip into town JUST to see me (though she hastened, with a smile, to insist that just seeing ME made it worthwhile for her to come into town). Finished at 5:30, reaffirming that next week would be the usual time, and got home to find this easy enough to do before making another lovely artichoke snack. (RETURN TO SHARON B. 29)

SHARON B. 31                                                  6/13/07

She phoned earlier, while I was at the gym, that I should come in at 5:30, and I didn't bother calling her back, telling her when I got there that I assumed that would be OK with her, and she said, "Of course." Complained bitterly about having too many drinks and too much to eat at the Beard last night, saying that I suffered from much of a hangover most of today (even at the end saying I felt the evening dragged, though I managed to fill up most of the time), but the food and drink was just SO good, and particularly the dessert wines, which I made a point of clearing off the table even from the others' glasses! I said what just came into my mind: that I should probably COUNT the glasses that I drink, and that I didn't even take the blood test for the hematuria test because I figured the alcohol would still be in my blood, and she agreed with me. Told her that I saw Dr. E. this morning, and that she said she'd get a copy of the "Mini-Me" for next week, but that the answers were pretty trivial, and she insisted that "since you are so intelligent," I'd probably do well this time and next time as well. Sharon agreed, but was glad that I followed up on her suggestion to get it from someone else. I expressed disappointment that the Liberty Travel on Montague Street was closing, and that I'd definitely decided not to fill in with another trip, which would make people on my website-work very happy. Talked a little about my new thumb drive, though I'm not sure if I knew at that point whether it worked in transferring files from the laptop to the desktop, though I'm sure I complained about the number of questions that came up in learning how to use the laptop, though I was glad that my not using the desktop forced me to learn quickly about the details of the laptop. Told her that I was so caught up with things that I'd probably start scanning in the missing pages tomorrow, happy that I'd found 36 of them in a later backup file in the meantime, and placating an anxious Carolyn and Tris about my progress on the website. Moaned about having to take TWO sets of two aspirin when I couldn't get to sleep, and got up early because I couldn't sleep, and that's why I felt quite draggy, but then she looked at the clock and said the session was over anyway. Then, for whatever reason, forgot to type this page until Monday, 6/18, waiting for Abraham to come check on the light, which he hasn't yet at 1:10PM, so I'll go downstairs soon---maybe just have a bowl of soup now. And JUST as I type that, Abraham rings, IS the same guy from before, says a need-to-replace ballast would be HOT, gives me the number: R2232P/A, and when he takes the outer ring down it's CRIMPED, and when he straightens the wire, the light BRIGHTENS! Then he has trouble putting the shade back, but he does it and leaves at 1:20, and I do NOT tip him, and finish this at 1:22PM, HUNGRY! Then re-proof missing pages, reconstructed the never-printed 67, 69, 90, and 92, and type out this page, cheating, at 8:20PM. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 32)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 30)

MONDAY, 6/18/07: 11:46AM: SAVED DELL-LAPTOP TRIES: Try a journal page, to get another document to burn to DVD to transfer to desktop Dell from laptop Dell.

This is a test. This is another test. I can at least type to the end of the line to see what a turnover looks like. Now can I save it?

Now at 11:56AM I'm tired of waiting for Abraham L., or whomever, to come up and look at my light, sorry that I told Ron at 9:10AM: "I'll just wait for him."

SHARON B. 32                                                  6/20/07

6:30PM: A hyper-manic session summarizing a hyper-manic day. Said that I talked with Marj on the phone for THREE HOURS today, and it turned out that the total was somewhat more than 2:49, because I didn't keep track of the two SMALL times that we talked after the main 11:58-12:53 and 1:39-3:23 sessions that I knew she kept track of, and she dictated them to me. At the end I mentioned that I finally took the Mini-Mental test, failing on the name of the building as Dr. E. herself did, but she said that it was mainly meant for people with moderate to severe Alzheimer's already, say 5-8 on a continuum of 1-10, whereas I feel that I may be at a 2 fearing to go to a 3. Talked about the two nice telephone calls from Paul from Paris and Edgardo from Milan, how they made me feel wanted without impinging, which she said was the crux of my irritability: I'm being held down, cornered, intruded upon by people whistling in the gym locker room, people pointing across the street at the moment I pass, inadvertently extending their arm into my face: two of them actually recognizing this and said "Excuse me," but I was still mightily pissed, as I was NOT by Marj's conversation, since she didn't demand anything of me and I described the many ways in which we're similar, though she's even more obsessive than I am. Said that I'd intended to bring a printout of my dreams, but the day was so busy I didn't, but remembered one (and she said that that was the BEST way to bring in dreams: what I remembered; what stuck with me) of my telling my mother, as we rode east in China, that the eastern mountains would be more spectacular than those we're not seeing from the back of the car winding over hilly roads, and she responded with a grunt of non-appreciation, which made me feel excluded. Sharon asked where we were sitting, and I reported my mother on the right, though she wasn't IN the right, and that I was on the left, left out of her consideration, as Sharon said, "Those are the words that are important from dreams." She ventured that of course I would feel irritable if people cut me off, shut me into a corner, rebuffed me, but that I was feeling better today because I could be expansive on the phone with Marj, who appreciated me and appreciated my appreciation of her. Then got into the meeting last night on self-esteem, first by my getting the two sheets of paper that he'd run out of and couldn't give me himself, but which someone "left for me on the table as he left the room." Described the oddity of his NOT looking at me, which many leaders of small groups do, describing Village Playwrights where they'd look at ME to critique the story whose author might be sitting across the room from me. And the striking comment of the fellow to my left that "You don't like me," which I couldn't tell if it was just a stab, if I was giving out some negativity because I thought the class was stereotyped for the most part, or, as Sharon suggested, he was simply looking at the world running his OWN tapes that NO one likes him. I reported disappointment on the "fact" that everyone in the room was a loser, but felt good trying something new, saying that I might attend the Spanish and French classes, and other sessions at the Center, and one new restaurant a week, and reported my paradoxical realization that I might NOT want a relationship because it would take so much TIME, which Sharon rephrased into wanting someone like Marj, whom I ENJOY spending time with since I don't have to nurture her, or take care of what I say in front of her: she doesn't impinge on me, she gives the freedom to be even MORE me, and again praises me for having the nerve to put my entire self out on the Internet, so that OTHERS reading it wouldn't feel alone, and feel supported because I've been where THEY are, and I'd not thought of it in that light before. Drank lots of water during the talk because my mouth felt dry from so much phone-talk. She agreed that 5:30 seemed to be working out well, and praised me for the group I've gathered for the 7/12 Japan slide-show. Finish typing at 6:47, having fantasized that so much happened in the session that I could spend the same amount of time---45 minutes---describing it, but it only took 18 minutes. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 33)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 31)

FRIDAY, 6/22/07: 11:20PM: FINALLY get around to transcribing VERY old notes: A) From the 5/12/07 do-list, updated 6/11: 1) the Russian visa from MIR still hadn't come in, and was flabbergasted to see on my Visa bill that the check had been cashed on 5/21! Phoned the Passport Express (HA!) today, and was told that it wouldn't be back to me until JULY 7! Not their fault, they insist; it's a problem with the Russian Embassy. I retorted that it's a good thing my 6/18 trip to Central America was canceled, or else I'd be passport-less! 2) Was getting so impatient with SCRIE that I phoned THEM today, saying I'd sent it 5/2, and they say it will take SIX TO EIGHT MONTHS to process, assuring me, however, that any paperwork, if I'm approved, would include the 4/1 maintenance increase, since my papers would have been dated when they came in, certainly before the 120-day deadline. So THAT can go off the list! But put a note on the January page that if it's not back in 8 months, phone them again! 3) The HIP response to my complaint finally came back 6/14, apologizing because their statements were wrong! I checked and found they'd actually overpaid $40 through their own mistakes, so I can't complain and THAT'S finally settled. THROW CARD AWAY AT LAST!

B) Add this note to the website pile: Tris said to use Word 6,43 as code for ° rather than WP Alt-248.

C) 6/1: Piri's in rehab at 212-671-6174, but she says she SCANS color slides on a HP scanner that costs under $200. I try my scanner and it DOES color, but has no TOP-light for slides, but magnification can get great, up to 1200 dpi.

D) Never found out who told me that the American Folk Art Museum, across from MoMA, had a Tiffany exhibit (asked Sherryl 3 times, Mildred twice), but Mildred told me that the New-York Historical Society has a Tiffany exhibit through 7/22.

E) WEDNESDAY, 6/6/07: Yesterday's annuities sales meeting (from New Jersey, yet) at the Gay Center was trivial, except for seeing Ron C.'s name from 101 Clark Street, and he's in 5K from the list downstairs, so I see him today to see if I can put the air conditioners higher in the new windows, but it's clear that I can't. Today I thought to suggest a Sopranos finale party to Spartacus, and get there at 7:30 and bring pizza from Fascati's for dinner.

F) FRIDAY, 6/8/07: Check e-mail to see a $30 lunch today for "Beard in Film," and Charles goes, too, interesting enough with burgers and ribs and root beer, and then meet Sherryl at Neue Galerie for an exhibit, dinner at Demarchalier after, and then another mediocre NYC Ballet with Charles in the evening. Tris begs me to get a laser printer for about $100, and suggests maybe I can get information about my missing pages by phoning OnTrack, but I decide not to.

G) SUNDAY, 6/10/07: Sopranos ending, the blackout, was just "an end" until I read in the following Sunday's Times the article saying that Chase had wanted the blackout to be THIRTY seconds, which HBO nixed, which seemed to me to make it clear that Tony WAS killed at the end, which WAS the end, letting me have the satisfaction that he got his payback, but not dealing with what happens after with various members of the family---and probably excluding any sequels. That morning at 3:23AM I made another do-list. Then I STILL couldn't sleep and at 4:26 took an Ambien and a diazepam. Do-list: 1) Backup MC on 2 CDs, which I did when I got up at 8:10, 2) Ken, which Word do you have, and it's only 2004, Word 97SR1, so it wouldn't have an updated tracking program for any of us to test. 3) LF to Tris, he hasn't processed it as of yesterday. 4) AlphaSmart files to Dell, which I did that morning. 5) Laptop to Dell, which I finally did on 6/18. 6) Finish Susskind book to return to library, renewing Warped Passages to July 5. 7) WHEN see Ken for 2 VHS returns, which turned out to be Tuesday, and I'm still two tapes behind. 8) Check floppies for NOTEREPL, but I DID find a CD of the first 33 pages, finally.

H) MONDAY, 6/11/07: Yet another do-list: 1) Carolyn, what WORD do you have? 2003. 2) Microsoft, not done yet. 3) Burn Dell CD or ask Microsoft, but the thumb drive solved problem. 4) Check web-page that Word-hyphens work on site, and Wolsey's death on computer. 5) Make LFHD NON-right-justified and send.

I) TUESDAY, 6/12/07: Still yet another do-list: 1) Watch end of Ken's tape, 2) Books to library, renew last one, 3) Beard 7PM, 4) Try thumb drive---did later! Then watched my tape of the Tonys, recording that Spring Awakening won 8, Coast of Utopia won 7, and Grey Gardens got 3. Julie White won best actress for Little Dog Laughed, and Journey's End got best play revival award.

J) WEDNESDAY, 6/13/07: Even bigger do-list: 1) Paul---ballast for neon-ring in kitchen? But Abraham showed it was only a crimped wire. 2) Color scanner? Yes, but not for slides, for which I need to buy a new machine. 3) VHS tape from Classic Showcase to CD of Opera and Dance, very nicely. 4) When did I pay long-term-care insurance? 3/07. 5) Office: A/C-change in window: they say they didn't measure yet, and the upshot was it MUST be an 8000BTU slip-in case! They'll look at my setup August 24. 6) Charles: join me tomorrow for Taschen sale? Yes, and we walk and lunch at Perry Street.

K) THURSDAY, 6/14/07: Definitive do-list: 1) Set up Japan show, ending 7/12 with 9 people. 2) Questions for laptop, made moot by thumb drive. 3) Transfer laptop files to Dell, on 6/18. 4) Mildred, this week lunch? No, 6/18. 5) Sherryl or Charles for 6/15 Brooklyn Botanic Gardens? Didn't even ask, but went myself. 6) Susie: thanks for Serra MoMA tickets, e-mail 6/17/ 7) Susan: Tuesday, when Galapagos? 8/28. 8) Get blood tested, did 6/18. 9) Figure HIP figures, and they cheated themselves of about $40 while NOT overcharging me at the end of the year, having admitted to MANY mistakes through year's charges. 10) A/C held/delivered? After putting $40 deposit on 6000BTU at the corner place, which doesn't stock 8000 slide-ins, went three doors closer, paid for an 8000BTU Friedrich (with Visa), which they'll hold until I call for free delivery. 11) Word newest? Tried 6/25 to find information on website, ended up only with phone number to call. 12) MIR passport? They'll deliver it July 9! 13) Clear up desk stuff: I put down that I did it (sorted it into piles, anyway) 6/17, but typing the last of the cards NOW! 14) Finish pages: not quite done YET.

L) MONDAY, 6/18/07: Transferred all the laptop files, text only, via thumb drive and find how to delete: right mouse button on file name! Lots of useless notes.

M) TUESDAY, 6/19/07: APPENDED files in Word by clicking at bottom of page, hitting INSERT menu, and adding the name of the FILE. Another list: 1) OK to Ken for 7/19 Beard, 2) Susan: Galapagos date, 3) Get groceries, deposit Ken's check, and do final air-conditioner transaction, 4) Go to Gay Center for the Self-Esteem seminar, which was trivial, yet interesting, which I'll do on the next page, which makes no difference in the final file. 5) Contact P. for Schwab business, going for 5.6% and 6.5%; forget to ask things on NEXT note.


6:19PM: Started already when I got there, to take a chair in the corner, I'm #17 and two more come in after me. He runs out of information sheets, but I pick up two on my way out that someone left on the table.
Self-Esteem: feeling good about yourself.
Babies just are.
You can only change YOURSELF, not OTHERS.
Love is always WITHIN.
Self-Esteem: Thinking better thoughts, and then ACTING on them.
Only a SMALL part of life is CHALLENGING.
Steps: 1) Have awareness: a PLAN.
2) What's NOT working; what's WRONG? Self? Relationships?
Don't resent others' relationships. Comparison brings unhappiness.
Changing requires energy.
Rejection is just NOT being SELECTED.
3 Goals: to put ENERGY toward, to put in motion:
1) Go out more to meet more people.
2) I'd like to eat and drink LESS at Beard.
3) I'd like to be less NEGATIVELY self-conscious.
To get out of bad moods:
1) Change your FOCUS from what HURTS. If someone shits you, then YOU continue.
2) Think about something (do something) that feels good: GOOD thing RELIVED.
Smiling biochemically changes body and mind.
You create your life by what you think. If you KEEP bad energy, you LOWER self-esteem.
CHANGE thinking to support feeling GOOD.
3 Negative Thoughts:
1) I'm too old to start anew.
2) I'm too overweight to lose.
3) I'm too tired/lazy to exert energy. This all by 7:10PM.
The THOUGHT keeps the thought GOING. STOP the cycle.
3 Positive Thoughts to think INSTEAD:
1) MOST of my life works WONDERFULLY.
2) Let me try ONE NEW THING per WEEK.
3) Things OUTSIDE me don't HAVE to IRRITATE me.
Remember, you FEEL the way you THINK.
We take us WITH us EVERYWHERE.
WE do what others TAUGHT us to do.
Like attracts like---have HIGHER self-esteem to GET others like that.
What you BELIEVE will align your ACTIONS.
Don't keep can't-ing and nevering and not-ing.
Identify weak area and REVERSE it. What do I believe about myself?
"It was like a light went off in her head."
Me: A relationship will take too much of my TIME.
5 Action Steps to improve self-esteem in 2-4 weeks:
1) Go OUT to a new place each week.
2) Get "The little things" done NOW.
3) Do ONE NEW restaurant a week.
4) IMPROVE my mood JUST a LITTLE bit.
If you think of a tasty treat, you become happy.
Get SUPPORT to help things happen. We're all WORKS IN PROCESS.
He offers FREE initial consultation; says "give $5 (for session) to needy."
I put two sheets, his card, and my notes, into my Personal file.

Note: The New York Sun starts a free year of delivery, but that means I have two Sundokus and a puzzle to do Monday through Friday daily!

N. WEDNESDAY, 6/20/07: [Typed from old notes]: Talked with Marj AGES on the phone: I guessed 11:45-1:20, then 1:50-3:23, but she writes these times down, and it turned out to be, in reality, 11:58-12:53, and 1:39-3:23, way over two and a half hours with two more short chats afterward. We talked about Curt Dempster's death, which I thought was just a few weeks ago, but I looked through the last month's Times and couldn't find anything, so went to Google and found that he died on January 20, 2007! and on May 30, 2007, an Arts piece in the Times said that E.S.T. will endure following his suicide---he hung himself! In the recovered NOTEREPL I selected all for the following conversions: 1) b---b to ---, 2) b1b to bIb, and 3) ° sign handled somehow. Also saved the WP51 save to NOTEREPL 33, and scanned pages 34-36. Then tried the Canon Scanner for slides, "Easy acquire selected," and tried to save in JPEG format, but the image was almost colorless and the slides looked very blurry. Then phoned Piri and she said her slide scanner had a LIGHT FIXTURE in the top, so that the slides were illuminated, so if I want that, I'll have to buy a scanner that does it. Then stopped by 10 Clinton, left word for Yves M. of the windows project to call me, and he says that I MUST have a slide-out chassis and an 8000BTU air conditioner, which I get that very day. Tell him I'm on vacation August 3-17, so he says he'll look at my apartment August 24. Another task finished!

O. THURSDAY, 6/21/07: Met Charles at Taschen sale at 11AM, picked up books, stored them at his place, walked Hudson River waterfront in great heat and humidity, stopping at Perry Street for a great lunch, and was walking toward my subway when I realized I'd left my books at his place. He'll bring them to the slides on 7/12. Watch Forbidden Games from Ken's tape. 11:56PM: Take Ambien and Valium. Sleep OK. Pee 6AM, up 7:47AM.

P. FRIDAY, 6/22/07: Go to Doshi Diagnostics for test, recorded in MEDICAL! Buy air conditioner 10:25-10:39 and home at 10:50, HUNGRY for breakfast! Make note to add to NOTEREPL 90 or 92 that on 5/2 I sent SCRIE application. Call them and find that it'll take SIX TO EIGHT MONTHS! "We'll send a notice: 1) accepted, or 2) rejected, or 3) more information needed. Your application has been stamped with the date of receipt, so if you get it, the benefits are retroactive to the start of the increase." John HAS been with SCRIE for years, he just didn't know that the income possibility has been increased to $26,000. Put on TV for breakfast and watch the last hour of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. Then watch Young Frankenstein and Army of Darkness, with Bruce Campbell, and watch two hours of the National Geographic "Galapagos."

SATURDAY, 6/23/07: Spend the usual morning doing the puzzles and reading the Times. Go to MAN 2PM-6PM, Steve doesn't show, but have companionable dinner and talk with more people than usual. Home to watch The Mirror, by Tarkovsky.

SUNDAY, 6/24/07: Determined to see all of Ken's films by Monday's Beard dinner with him. After a quick read of Sunday's Times, I see Sacrifice, which I'd taped from CUNY and then lent to Ken, True Love, with Sciorra and Tarantino, who ended up "together" in Sopranos; Honeymoon Killers, with a sexy Tony LoBianco and a fat Shirley Stoller; The Story Lady with an impossibly kindly Jessica Tandy, and watch the Gay Fireworks 10:15-10:30 in the distance.

MONDAY, 6/25/07: See Furqa T. at 2:15: see MEDICAL:6/25/07. See Kameradshaft and Kid Glove Killer to finish Ken's tapes. Beard has table 1 for us $75 specials. I love the white wine to start; want a case, and eat and drink OK so I don't have a hangover the next day. Two new tapes from Ken to see by Friday. Shelley calls, says she has a new Word, and I can come tomorrow to look at it.

TUESDAY, 6/26/07: Pick up my fish-oil prescription, get the Times and two big bags of pretzels for Shelley and find she has Microsoft Works 8.5, Windows copyright 1996-2000, lots of forms to fill out, but Word has NO tracking! To "The Marx Brothers" slides, then watch Ken's Fond Kiss and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, not that good. Look at the Microsoft website, can't display the memo pages, can only get a phone number to call tomorrow morning.

WEDNESDAY, 6/27/07: Call Dell Tech Help at 7:25AM, talk to Shawn, who says I can call him anytime at 1-800-999-3355, ext 7237436, and refers me to Sales at 7:35AM, with case number 168029413. Call Microsoft at 1-866-452-4755 at 7:38AM and they say I have to call back between 5AM-9PM Pacific time. Call Dell back and they're selling Word 2007 for ONE machine for $209, without tax, but the whole Home Office suite is $139 plus $11.64 tax for $150.64 for THREE computers. Order number 723372549, and he says I'll get it by July 3. Call Marj to tell her and she SCREAMS with delight. Back to Doshi for "another picture," which takes literally 5 minutes after I sweat walking there and back for another hour, this one without barium AND without fasting. Sharon calls to say that the air conditioning is off and my appointment changes to Friday at 4:30. My cable is off, I call lousy number and go through "Manhattan outages," and curse the woman who answers, who ignores me. I give phone number and it instantly comes back on: "Low power; easy to restart." Watch Four Brothers, quite good, and Dead and Breakfast, just awful. At 7PM get Spider to second-highest score at 48.95004. Spend lots of time reading (and falling asleep over) Randall's Warped Passages so I can return it early next week. Also registered online for, and got a call at 7:35PM, saying I'll be called tomorrow 9-11 AM to choose my first three meals, and choose my expenses.

THURSDAY, 6/28/07: Call Mildred when I PROVE that the Sun's Sun-doku is "diabolical," but she refuses to admit I might be right, demanding to see the Scientific American article that I think I gave her, which she says she doesn't have, if she ever got it. On Spider 12:20-1:40 I get a new high: 48.95422. Watch Two Ninas, Mad Hot Ballroom, I Like It Like That, and Tarnation to finish Ken's tape. Choose the meals, charge 30 days for $759.60, and print out my welcome letter. Still not typing my final notes on my desktop---too hot!

FRIDAY, 6/29/07: Finish reading the Randall book, celebrate by playing Spider 11:25-2:15, getting a first new high at 12:25 after 4 wins of 48.96598, and a second new high at 2:15 after 2 wins of 48.96677. Then decide to get a haircut even though I'd had a shower only on Wednesday, pay $16, and get back to find another packet from Marj and a box from Dell with my Home Office! Install on my laptop 3:35-3:49, reboot 3:50-3:52, and configure 3:57-3:58, at which time Marj calls back and screams again that I got it. Find "Track Changes" under "Review" and look at it a bit, but get a sidebar that's somewhat unclear, but then have to leave at 4:15 for Sharon's, where the air conditioner is still off, but I'm ON!

SHARON B. 33                                                  6/29/07

Did nothing the whole time but dump on her: complained about 1) going to Shelley's to see if her new computer had Word 2007, but found it was only Works 8:5, which is what I have here, and had to set up her billing with a number of credit cards which she changed at least three times, and then I made some goofs that made me have to start over, which didn't make me happy, but she REALIZED that it was a pain for me, and kept thanking me---to the point of calling me the NEXT DAY to apologize again, which I bitched to Sharon about. 2) Finding that my passport won't be back until July 9, and then getting a call from the clearly incompetent Marisha saying that I didn't pay my bill, so I had to get out the date, amount, and check number, and then she sent me an e-mail apologizing for having to ask me for it, and then I had to print out the receipt. She also asked about our flight plans, and I said that they had to have been cleared with her by Ken, and so she should call HIM. 3) Made sure by calling Ken today that he knew how to get to the dinner tonight, and only when speaking to Sharon was it clear that I had HAD to give him the phone number so that he could call them to get directions from Manhattan to their place. 4) Complain that my passport isn't going to be back before July 9, so I couldn't have gone on a vacation even if I'd WANTED to without a passport, though I AM, maybe unfortunately, thinking about a two-week trip to Iceland and Greenland, hoping Steve will go along, which would leave only two weeks after the Balkans trip and two weeks before the Ukraine trip. 5) Describe how I said, "Finally, a voice after all those shitty byways that I wasn't interested in: I just want to report that my digital service is off my cable!" But the instant I gave my phone number, the picture came on, and since she didn't complain about my swearing, I didn't bother to apologize. 6) Also described my shortness with the Dell salesperson: "I only want Word 2007," I insisted, until he managed to get the information through to me that the Microsoft Home Office is on sale for THREE computers for $150.64 including tax, rather than the $209 without tax for a one-time, only Word 2007 sale. As Ken would say, "Never mind." 7) Said that I knew I was a real bitch when I was too hot, or when I was hungry, and I sure was a lot of that recently. "How does that make you feel?" she asked, as usual. I was reminded of the physicist who, when confronted with a new particle, said, "Who ordered that?" I didn't WANT to be told that 1) they needed to take another picture "just for five minutes" at the diagnostics center, 2) I had to serve on a jury even though I was over 70, though I still think I might drop by the building in case there IS a form, as Mildred says there is, that I'd have to fill out to NEVER be called again. Said that Sherryl was very disappointed when I said that there was a 70% chance of thunderstorms for Thursday's boat ride, but I didn't want to spend the morning in the heat anyway. Wasn't looking forward to Paul's visit at the end of July, because he was leaving the "plans" up to me, which will include the Serra at MoMA, and some fancy restaurant or other, in exchange for the two (or maybe even four) bottles of champagne he'll bring. It seemed to be all a matter of control: I didn't want to be hassled AGAIN for something I thought was finished. I didn't want choices; I wanted things when I wanted things, not when they wanted, for instance, to send the Office package early. But she complimented me on my haircut, which I said I was a bad boy for having gotten with not-clean hair, but I did it anyway, because Fred would have complained if my hair was too long for dinner tonight. The air conditioning was still not working, but the temperature wasn't that bad, though some phone machine kept ringing and ringing, "Just to drive Bob crazy," she laughed. She kept saying that I had a GREAT sense of humor, though I remarked that the part in the meditation that talked about "Higher Will, Good Will, and Good Humor," was sadly lacking in my life, though I laughed with Carolyn when she said the whole crowd waiting at the bus stop heard her enthusiasm about ordering Word 2007, and I said I probably laughed more with Sharon than anyone else. She kept agreeing that I was going through VERY trying times, that I had good REASON to be short-tempered with people who couldn't keep track of things, and I kept referring to my "prior programming" that made me want to ALWAYS be accomplishing something, though I did insist that I DID treat myself with puzzles and movies and programs when I wanted them. Now at 6:04PM I have to think about how I'm getting to dinner tonight. Decide the subway is much more certain than the bus, timing-wise, and get there at the dot of 7PM with awful Jack. Fred serves the Veuve Cliquot, which I have only three glasses of and stop halfway through good appetizers, to the table at 8PM next to vivacious Rosalind, married to a man in his late 70s that I resemble, have a filling meal with much too much wine, and I get home just after midnight REALLY drunk. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 34)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 32)

SATURDAY, 6/30/07: Have two aspirin at 4AM, another two at 8AM, and do all three puzzles and finish the Times, talking more ages with Marj, get another Spider high of 48.97465 after 3 wins, type some notes, get another Spider high of 49.97866 after 2 wins, type some more notes, get the last Sharon session from the laptop to the desktop, print out all pages with a new, very dark ribbon, and finally clear my desk of ALL notes by 11:20PM, having gotten egg foo yung from Great Wall to fill stomach before food plan starts Monday AM!

SUNDAY, 7/1/07: 9:40AM: Up to have breakfast before 8AM, finishing Sunday Times, watering plants, checking laundry room to find that it's JAMMED at 8:35AM, and try to install Word 2007 on desktop at 9:35AM to find that it needs a SERVICE PACK! Something more to do on Monday. Now type notes taken from Randall: Warped Passages (NYPL) read 6/18-6/29/07:
p.96: "Gravitational mass and the inertial mass that enters Newton's second force law turn out to be the principle they could have been different..." But could extra dimensions MAKE them different, and Einstein ERRED in "proving" them the same?
p.141: "is was roughly 1."
p.302: "Graviton...communicates...gravitational force," but gravity is NOT A FORCE!!
p.409: "A spin-2 particle...mass Tev...strong evidence for added dimensions."
No one wants to do anything with me today, after phoning Sherryl, Mildred, and Arnold, so I decide to do the Skyscraper Museum on the WORST possible day: city is JAMMED with tourists, and I decide that the #4 or #5 takes me closest, so I take the #2 back one stop---to find that the #4-5 aren't running! Take the #2 back THROUGH Clark Street and with VERY garbled announcements decide my best bet is to change for the #1 at Chambers Street. Fine, but the #1 isn't running; we transfer to a bus, which takes FOREVER to go ENTIRELY crosstown and lets everyone off EAST of the Ferry entrance, the whole island-tip away from the Skyscraper Museum. Very pissed, I walk back on crowded sunny sidewalks to the very small exhibit on the Burj Dubai, more videos than anything else, most of them animated rather than live-action, though one repeats the Discovery Channel hour from 2005. Take notes on the souvenirs: It's 5 million square feet, including the annex, and in 3/07 it went up to 100 stories. "All apartments sold in three days." Starts at the bottom with 39 floors of hotel, then 64 floors of residences, with "luxury residences" on top, and then 37 floors of office spaces, since the area is too small for actual apartments. Those add up to 140 floors, though it's said to be planned for 160 stories, at least 700 meters, or 2300 feet, "nearly twice the height of the Empire State Building." Level 12 is 33,607 square feet; Level 30 is 30,318, both in the hotel. Level 56 is 25,017 square feet for residences; Level 94 is 18,557 square feet, labeled "boutique"; and Level 128 is 10,788 square feet, an office. Another display gives the Empire State Building at 381 meters; a planned Moscow Russia tower is 600 meters; the Chicago Spire will be 610 meters, or 2000 feet; Doha Convention Center is planned for 550 meters; Busan Lotte Tower for 510 meters; Seoul Lotte Super Tower at 555 meters; and Taipei 101 is now 509 meters. lists cities with buildings over 12 stories: 1) Hong Kong at 7661, 2) New York at 5560. Top 5 cities are 1) Hong Kong, 2) New York, 3) Seoul, 4) Chicago, and 5) Singapore. They also note as keeping up with tallest. I'm in for about an hour, then sit at South Ferry for about an hour admiring a gorgeous clear day, skylines on Staten Island perfectly clear, clouds gliding majestically past, lots of sailboats, then back for a late lunch, doing a HUGE stack of laundry, and from 5:45-9:30 hit OVER 49% with Spider: 49.02153 with ten consecutive wins. Then try to install Word 2007 on desktop 9:35-9:36PM, but get "Must have MS Windows XP Service Pack 2 (SP2)"! Look at Windows, and it's from 2003, Windows 5.1 [build 2600.xpsp (020828-1920:SP1]. DAMN!

MONDAY, 7/2/07: Call Dell 8:10-8:55AM, talking to Navneet, 01143473, Case # 168385166, at 1-800-915-3355, and he says, "You should have had daily Microsoft updates---it's your fault you don't have Service Pack 2." I explode, and when we start talking about downloading on Juno, and I only have dial-up service, he says it's 266MB and will take ages. After screaming at him and asking for his supervisor, he says I have to BACK UP my desktop, and install a CD, that I will get in 2-3 days, WITH him. I try to copy system onto DVD at 9:09AM, and when I'm copying Windows I get "can't copy FP0000." NOW what. Send an e-mail to Navneet, complaining. Make a note for questions for Dell: 1) Support Pack 2, 2) why doesn't the Word 97 on YOUR computer have "Symbol" in "Insert" menu? 3) How to find the closed box that replaces °-symbol and the open box that's the odd dash in documents. Note my MS Word 97 has product ID 53691-805-0345441-61016. At 10:45AM I write another note: "Marj (and me): RESIGN myself to having Word 2007 ONLY on laptop!" Go for an echocardiogram on Schermerhorn St., but the doctor says T. will phone me ONLY if there's something wrong. Keep walking over the pile of laundry on the floor. Decide to FINALLY start proofing Marj's proofreading of the SF file. Do 4:35 from 2:45-7:20, only to page 40. Do Spider to a solid 49.0492 after 9 wins 7:30-10. Bed feeling VERY accomplished!!

TUESDAY, 7/3/07: Missed going to the gym yesterday, so I call Charles at 9:30AM to postpone our meeting at the New-York Historical Society from 11:30 to 1PM, talking to Bill for the first time in years, but he puts Charles on the phone. Gym, lunch, then TIRED as we see the Asher Durand, a bit of the slavery, and at last the wonderful Tiffany-by-Women exhibit, at which time we subway up to 136th Street, since Charles doesn't want to get off at 125th Street, wind from Broadway to Hudson River to apartment building to Broadway to Dinosaur BBQ, in the area that Columbia wants to replace with its new campus, and have good ribs with VERY good baked beans and tipsy-making white Zinfandel for $24 a bottle.

WEDNESDAY, 7/4/07: Jerked off wonderfully in the early morning. Proofread 5:20 from 11:45-2:45 and 3:40-6PM, tiring but satisfying. Clouds and some rain put me off going to the Promenade for the fireworks, so I do Spider 6:30-9:10, poorly. Fireworks, of course, are far to the south of the South Street Seaport, and I can see the four barges from 34th Street clearly but distantly. Not the most satisfying display from my balcony. Watched and recorded Ben Franklin and lots of The Revolution on the History Channel through the day.

THURSDAY, 7/5/07: Jerk off again. Just don't feel like doing anything constructive: laundry still piled up and now porno just sitting in a pile on the bedroom floor. Mail piling up, too. Watch six hours of The Revolution. From 8:30-9:45 manage to pull Spider up to 49.02861 after 3 wins.

FRIDAY, 7/6/07: Jerk off AGAIN, leaving phone off the hook after 9:30AM while watching Shallow Hal, just because I WANT to and don't want to be interrupted by the Dell call between 10-2PM. Navneet had e-mailed (and phoned twice), but I still had lots of questions. SAM called, listened patiently to all my questions, and decided the best would be to add a SECONDARY hard drive, an IDE PATA hard drive, about $60-$100 for 80 gigabytes, from a local shop with a new ribbon cable. "You have the spare slot," he said. I decide, as before, that the solution sounds nice, but I'll wait and see---mainly whether Marj and I want the Tracking facility. If I have more questions, reply to his e-mail. Talk to Marj and she says the Tracking evaluation is for ME to do. Oh! Leave word with Tris, who later calls to say he hasn't really done that much with Tracking. Talk to Spartacus from 1-1:30, he's off work for a while. Call C.: CAT scan showed no urinary problems; since P. scheduled my follow-up, I don't have to check with Special Services; and T. will get my Echo results. Don't ask about too much folic acid, osteoporosis, or another blood test. Do Spider 2PM-4:05 for 11 wins, taking me up to 49.0671! Schwab's P. calls back to say that my Quarterly Review Statement was a fluke: I need fee-based advice for .75% of my assets under control, or about $1000 a year! No way! Try to sell CINF online, but my Internet just doesn't even give me the summary it gave me before. GOT to update that SOMETIME! Phone a regular number, he asks if I "know" about Internet trades. I said I tried for half an hour and couldn't do it, so he waives my $25 phone-service charge! And charges $12.95 transaction fee, but I get $8730.90 to pay bills with---primarily the MIR trip, who phoned 7/2 to say my invoice for 7/27 should have been dated 6/27, so my $2882 is due NOW, with insurance and passport copy and registration form. Watch rest of The Revolution and feel like I've done a lot today, finishing with 2:25 from 7:35-10PM proofing to page 136.

SATURDAY, 7/7/07: Not quite taking note at 7:07AM on this 7/7/07! Do Times puzzles and get to gym at 11:45AM, early but not stopped, already a day late and smelly of crotch. Then Charles enjoys the Cinderella more than I do: I don't like the women's costumes, and Gomes is always in regular trousers, obscuring those fabulous legs and wonderful crotch, and only his four attendants get to show boxes. Kent just isn't exciting for me. Then Charles has chicken while I have not-the-best ribs at Dallas BBQ, then home to proofread 3:35 from 6:50-10:25PM, to page 201, hoping to finish SF to give to Tris when he comes for the slides on Thursday.

SUNDAY, 7/8/07: Jerk off AGAIN, satisfying "a certain itch." Watch Joy Ride because it gets good reviews, having breakfast and cleaning my long-overdue teeth during it. Spider jumps to a glorious 49.09801 after 8 wins from 12:35-2:35PM, but then goes down to 49.09486 before bed 9:48-11:20PM. Proof SF from 3:40-5:40, and maybe I left it on too long because when I came back at 7:15 and hit SOME button or other, the text VANISHED and I found that I had to REDO about 15 pages of proofing. DOUBLE DAMN! Finish that up by 9:35, finding that the last pages are duplicates of earlier files, so I'm finished before I thought. Total that it took 20:15 to proof 231 pages, about 11 pages/hour, including maybe an hour of redo.

MONDAY, 7/9/07: 8:33AM: Wonderful sense of NOW in my mind when I got up about 6:30AM and went down for the food, sad that they didn't take the previous box because it hadn't been set at the doorway. Put the warming foods in the refrigerator, did the Sun-doku and puzzle, had breakfast, and determined that TODAY I would look at Word 2007 Tracking ENOUGH to take my laptop to Marj tomorrow before the Beard and then pick it up on Wednesday before the Beard: perfect timing! Will characterize the first days of this month later this morning, but with "the solution" to putting Word 2007 on my desktop postponed to the indefinite future, and the SF file proofread at last, my tasks today are very simple: 1) clear up the desk and coffee-table stacks, 2) order food, 3) phone Marj about coming over, and 4) investigate Tracking. Air conditioners on with excessive heat due today. Finish this note at 8:38AM. Sort things out and add 5) e-mail to Tris about °-symbol as CTL-SHFT-Space, 6) back up WP51, 7) check with Charles about tomorrow. Steve H. calls with GREAT interest in the Iceland-Greenland trip, and is willing to phone to see if it's actually going; I say I can only do 9/1, but 9/4 is possible if that's the only way to see Greenland. Get ready to fill in DREAMS:7/9/07 and NOTEREPL notes now at 9:37AM. Finish that by 11:20AM, printing all the pages, throwing away all transcribed notes and saving website notes on the website pile. Now at 12:15PM I've finished talking to Charles (who thought Norwalk was Wednesday at 10AM---how wrong could he be from Tuesday at 8:45AM?) and Marj (who's delighted with my plan to bring her my laptop tomorrow before the Beard, but who INSISTS that I will NOT be in her apartment!). Order food and decide to keep all that material on the "tomorrow" table, so as not to clutter my coffee table, which has only FIVE stacks: 1) Pinnacle, 2) website, 3) Iceland trip, 4) restaurant-week lists, 5) passport copies from Spartacus---and the last three will definitely be handled sooner! Left with a DVD and two CDs to handle, and Tris's memo---and then the crazy computer "PLAYS" my DVD, slamming WP51 down onto the tool-bar! GOD! But at least I know that the DVD was what I started backing up the computer with, and it can now be used for my backup at 12:33PM. Now at 1:45PM I'm disgusted anew: wrote a note as to how to get to Symbols in Word 97, wrote a note to Tris on A-drive, then at 1:15PM the PC shuts down! Fuss with it, finally pushing in the plug at the top of the back, and it finally goes. BUT ENDLESS TROUBLE! Now to back up. Have lunch, then work on Tracking from 3-7:30, going through 25 pages, and then go back after dinner to try some balloons on areas. Marj will have plenty to look at, though when I phone her between 8 and 9:30 her line is always busy. And I wanted to get to bed early so I will be up early enough to get to Grand Central by 8:45AM! Play Spider to 10, watch Rembrandt to 11, then get to bed at 11:15PM.

TUESDAY, 7/10/07: To Grand Central in plenty of time; crazy Charles thought I said we were to meet at 8:25AM instead of 8:45AM! Large Maritime Museum after an hour's ride 9:07-10:10AM to South Norfolk, round trip $13 for seniors, and the place is filled with kids looking at the seals, sharks, and sea turtles, but I'm about the only one looking behind the scenes at the less-than-inch-long seahorses, the incredible lionfish who stares at me and follows me as I move across his aquarium's glass front, and play areas in remote spaces of the huge space. Then to Brewmasters for lunch of fish and chips, not that great, and Linderman apple lambic (a fruit beer of which I could not think of the NAME then). Back home by 5PM, talk to Marj to find she does NOT want to see my laptop, so I leave for the Singapore dinner, starting with Singapore Slings, and Colonials, mangosteen with champagne, and a not-that-great $125 meal with interesting Victoria on my side and Penny on Ken's, answering two questions from Victoria ("Phaleonopsis?") and Ken ("Quetzal?", and said I was now waiting for an R-question. Home to phone Spartacus, bed late.

WEDNESDAY, 7/11/07: Up early to jerk off, finish the Sun's puzzles from two previous days, and talk over an hour to Marj, who's ORDERED her system from Dell! Then do the dishes, get asked to Spartacus's for Xeroxing my passport, which finally came in yesterday, and finish typing this, warm and nervous about SOMETHING, at 4:45, getting ready for Sharon at 5:30PM.

SHARON B. 34                                                  7/11/07

Guy's sleeping at desk and buzzer doesn't work, so I have to KNOCK to be let in. Woman leaves quickly after I re-read dreams, and go in at 5:30 to report my disappointment that I felt "free-floating anxiety," almost amounting to dread, today, and didn't like it at ALL. Said that it was probably connected to being quite CAUGHT UP with everything, since it didn't hit until I'd talked with Marj about her ordering her laptop and Word 2007 this morning, and I'd finished the Sun's puzzles, and ALL I had left to do was the WEBSITE, which, being my legacy, is ineluctably linked with my death. Read her some of my dreams, and she was impressed that the dream about my father involved my being LEFT ALONE, and said that must have been true a lot during my life: being denied a comfort that I really wanted, and I immediately identified that with my wanting a RELATIONSHIP, despite the fact that it would take a lot of my time and commitment, but THAT would supply the comfort that I want. She also noted that I comforted Sherryl, Mildred, and Marj (though I insisted that Marj supported me gratefully), but got little in return from them. Remarked about Doug's kindly face, reported by Charles, from the South Norwalk trip, told about my satisfaction with the food-supply menus, though I rather tricked them with two consecutive Beard evenings, and I told about the slides tomorrow night, and she praised my taking on projects that benefit others to keep my mind from dwelling on negative thoughts as it does when nothing else occupies it. VERY dark out about 6PM, and raining furiously when I leave at 6:15 and get home for Beard. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 35)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 33)

Note: 10:40PM: Hope I didn't drink too much, though I ate a lot and rather enjoyed Carla and Stuart and the new single Herb, but the food wasn't that great, though Someone Younger was a dynamite helper from Seviche. Type out previous page, and relieved that it's only 73° out and I won't need the air conditioner tonight as I did last night. Food didn't come yet.

THURSDAY, 7/12/07: Called Fred to say that Carla and Stuart said hello, and he says he assumes Ruth and Martin G. ARE coming to my slides, making eleven if everyone shows up. I scrub the bathroom sink and toilet, having washed the dishes yesterday. Found just at 11AM that I have a P. appointment at 2PM. Should go to the gym now at 11:55AM.

TUESDAY, 7/17/07: 8:45AM: Just don't FEEL that great! Eight stacks on the coffee table show things to do, but nothing is due NOW, except maybe the proofreading, which I decide to put on my desk now. Have another tape to watch from Ken, could possibly start on stamps, just now think to update my restaurant list with my obsessive visit to Carve Unique taken off the list, not to be repeated, as I probably knew from the start. Anxiety feelings surface again while doing sudoku, as if I were on a plane. Don't really FEEL like going to the Met tour at 10:45, maybe because Charles canceled out, but I guess I can look forward to people there. Still floored by the ugliness of attendees at the Prime Timers meeting on Saturday, and the number of parties and events they have scheduled, which I really don't want to go to, even though they tried their best to make me feel welcome, but I didn't WANT to welcome most of them! Debate taking Valium, just to jolt myself out of feeling vaguely apprehensive. Well, just eat breakfast while watching a tape and maybe phoning Schwab before I leave for the Met, hoping to get out in proper time to meet Mildred at Blue Smoke, at least on the East Side.

SHARON B. 35                                                  7/18/07

Started by saying that I succumbed last night: couldn't get to sleep after an hour and fifteen minutes, so I took an Ambien and Valium and fell INSTANTLY to sleep, later dwelling on how, during that waking period, I had NO THOUGHTS AT ALL in my mind! For maybe as long as 10 seconds at a time. That had VERY seldom happened before, and I really didn't know how to take it. Without words, she seemed to think it wasn't bad. I mentioned the fragment of the dream about the bread, which would be good toasted, and the "utility loaf" which would not be so great, and she said that "ordinary" dreams were a good sign: nothing was going actively wrong. I brought up Saturday's Prime Timers meeting, with the ugliest being freest with making approaches, but how I could simply say that I was taking Proscar, which was lowering my testosterone, so I had very little in the way of a sex life. But then I DID mention the total hunk I followed into the Clark Street elevator, a Greek god in body and face, and it just wasn't FAIR that someone should be so beautiful, but I didn't envy him because at the Prime Timers meeting I felt awful that I was the most attractive person there and didn't want to have anything to do with ANY of them. Mentioned that the website was moving into a new phase, what with Marj coming up to speed with the new program that would make proofreading paperless. Said how great the Japan slides went, 12 people reduced to the perfect 8, even to Fred's 140 India slides following to 11:30PM, a very successful evening. Told about coming off the diet with three lunches this week, the Beard barbecue tomorrow night, and then "nothing for the weekend---oh, no, I forgot the two Wagner operas on Friday and Saturday night," and she said it sounded like I had a very busy week. Told of my delight with just sitting in the Met watching people when I was filled up with art and standing, and also my trip to Iceland and Greenland with a new partner, Steve, in May, and contacting Tina for another trip this year, since I DO seem to be running out of steam. Two more meetings before trip. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 36)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 34)

WEDNESDAY, 7/18/07: Woke at 3AM, noted dream [DREAMS:7/18/07], and although I tried Actualism, I couldn't get back to sleep by 4:14AM, so I took Ambien and Valium, fell asleep immediately, and got up at 9:10AM, rested. Later, I called Tina, deposited $5000 from Schwab into HSBC, made a grocery list for tomorrow, lots of things to put away; in the middle of watching Ken's Munchhausen, and prior page printing away and will call Marj to see how she's doing, but the line's busy. Also invested $47,000 in a two-year CD at 5.25%, FDIC insured. AND transcribed next Wednesday's River Cafe lunch with Shelley from my CARD to my CALENDAR, so I wasn't TOTALLY off!

SHARON B. 36                                                  7/25/07

 "I've seldom felt so completely HOPELESS as I have today," I started, having more or less rehearsed it on the way there to explain why I'd thought of taking a Valium a number of times today, but didn't want to depend on it, yet felt that I was STILL anxious about the trip, NOT thinking of the good possibilities it offers, HATING the idea that things might go wrong, things that were not in my control! She sympathized and then asked when in the past I may have felt such equal hopelessness or anxiety, or who could have introjected such negative thoughts that were attacking me from inside myself, and immediately the answer sprang to mind: the Catholic Church! Everything that was pleasurable and life-affirming, like masturbation, meat-eating, pleasure at looking at men's bodies, jerking off with friends, was condemned by the Church and put me into the unforgiving depths of the deepest Hell. Never to be forgiven, immersed in endless pain, Hell was the destination of anyone who didn't do exactly what the Church commanded, every living moment of his life. It even put my mother in second place: though she was a bitch, she would always be there, always support me, while the Church would cast me off like a piece of garbage to be burned if I didn't do everything it wanted: daily Mass, confession of hideous sins, abstention from meat on Fridays, religion classes, maintenance of total chastity. I really got heated talking about it, and at one point Sharon, with a smile, knocked on the walls of the St. Charles Senior Center that surrounded us, and I again noted the Fordham University diploma on the wall, which I knew to be hers, but she again said, as I believe she had before, that she wasn't a Catholic. I mentioned that today even had a lot of good things about it: I was still basking in the first index in over a year, enjoyed lunch at the River Cafe with Shelley, who phoned just before I left this evening to say that she and I and the K.s and Paul will have dinner on Tuesday at Henry's End. But why couldn't I dwell on the coming adventures, the possible good people on the trip, good food and photographs, instead of only fearing the flight, the possibility of a plane-full of uncontrolled people screaming and shitting and pissing as something went wrong and we were all convinced that we were going to die. HORRIBLE! I also mentioned Actualism's Ego Disconnect, where I recognize the ego for being disruptive, maybe formerly useful as a survival mechanism, but now taking too much of my attention, to be lovingly released into the fires of the Burning Ground. I'd thought of the session a few times, but I definitely said I'd be trying it this evening. I said also that next week would be different, as this week was VERY different from the positivity of last week, because Paul would be here, and the trip would only be two days away. Didn't mention that I was in the midst of deciding whether to sign up for the fifth trip this year (for symmetry with the seven last year) from Santiago in December. Mentioned again my Aunt Helen's strictness, and my cousin Jimmy's equal visit, since for whatever Helen did, Jimmy had to have equal say and doing. Felt a great relief to have gotten all of that off my mind, saying that I may have actually started the Ego Disconnect HERE while identifying it and accusing it of messing up my life: masochistically pinching and tormenting me, a piece of me that I would very well do better without, maybe coming up because of age giving me so many FEWER things to be concerned about other than MYSELF myself. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 37)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 35)

WEDNESDAY, 7/25/07: 6:38PM: Finish a good page on my last meeting with Sharon, ready to return to proofing DREAMSA, getting ready to start the index tomorrow. But maybe a bit of Spider first?

SUNDAY, 7/29/07: 6:45AM: Feel much better anxiety-wise on Thursday and Friday, so my session with Sharon obviously helped a lot, but then do five hours and twenty minutes of Spider after coming back from Aureole on Friday afternoon and the anxiety starts to build. Always felt so STUFFED and SLEEPY after gorging myself on these Restaurant Week lunches that I tell myself I should stop eating so much, even though my weight hasn't significantly increased because I usually have very little for dinner those evenings. Finally get a call from T. on Friday afternoon that I continue with both fish oil and Zetia and don't have a blood test until after I get back from the Baltics, saying that taking the fish oil for 3-5 years should solve my problem. But at a cost of $130+ a month? Ken says I have the e-tickets for the flight and should get the limo to his place by 2:30PM on Friday. On Saturday I do the pipeline index from 2:40 to 8:10PM, minus fifteen minutes, which makes me feel good that I remember all the techniques for doing a very fast and complete index, amused that I got 883 lines for an index I roughly estimated at 900 lines, at a rate of $171.43/hour! Go out for "house special egg foo yung" at the Great Wall and get filled up on one huge pancake with rice, leaving two more for today. Paul calls, off quickly since I tell him I'm working, and I took a Valium yesterday and another when I peed at 3AM this morning, so that I don't have to worry about BECOMING worried about the trip. Also paid a Visa deposit of $1070 on a January 18-February 2 OAT trip to Patagonia with a probable roommate for something like $6000, sad that it's not the fifth trip this year---which may still come about. Woke at 6:30 this morning, just eight hours after going to bed early last night, but still feel zonked, also oppressed by the heat and humidity, which aren't that extreme, but the thermometer nearby reads 82° as usual during the summer, with high-feeling humidity. Used fan on bed last two nights, with clean sheets for Paul, who arrives this afternoon. Hope the Beard has at least four cancellations for the frequent-diner price of $75 for the tomato dinner of August 1 that I refused to reserve with Ken for $150, about which he reminds me I could say, "I told you so." Also FINISHED all the proofreading on Thursday, which makes me feel great, except what am I going to do during the week before the Baltics trip to keep my mind occupied? Of course there's jury duty starting Monday, which I hope doesn't become a problem. Still hope to pull together the four files (pages 1-25 of DREAMSA on the laptop, pages 26-75 in one file in desktop Word, pages 76-98 in DREAMSA3, and pages 1-20 of DREAMSB) to e-mail to Tris today. Three puzzles were rather hard on Saturday, taking to 2PM to finish the entire Saturday Times, but it'll be faster today along with watching the end of Around the World in 80 Days and La Belle et le Bete by Cocteau taped last night. Now 7:06AM but still don't quite feel ready for breakfast, having to remember to put out the food carton tomorrow night for my three-day supply Monday-Wednesday of next week before trip. Breakfast during last of 80 Days, and finish Times and start on Belle, when Paul calls at 2:30 from the taxi! I clean up minimal stuff, start putting files together for e-mailing, but Paul arrives before I can finish. We talk for a couple hours about our lives, then he unpacks while I send "sectionS" correction and 118 pages of DREAMSA to Tris, feeling great about it. We watch end of Belle to 7:30, then out to good dinner at Le Petite Marché with bottle of $24 wine, and bed about 10PM, early.

MONDAY, 7/30/07: Up at 6 to pick up food, jostling with Paul as he has breakfast with stuff he picked up at Gristede's last night when I shopped for Dulce de Leche ice cream and hot fudge for our desserts, and I get out to jury duty by 8:30AM with laptop in case New Yorker runs out. Get called to a case at 12:15, but let go to lunch at 12:25 when seated in position 10 with three quite-boring lawyers. Home for lunch, back late at 2:05PM to be next-last in after talking with Marj ENDLESSLY about her problems with medical excusal from jury duty. Lawyer mentions "executrix" of a traffic-pain victim and I zoom in on Pope's plight as my excuse for being prejudiced, and they believe me, only later coming up with the need for a simultaneous translation of some testimony, which turned me off LAST jury's task. Dismissed at 3:30 and home to crow to Marj (Paul calls at 5PM, and his clicks allow me to dismiss endless-talking Marj from the phone), not having to serve on a jury again for eight years. Also at noon got call from P. that my Keogh plan IS OK in wording so I won't be audited and fined; what a relief. No time to call Finnair, and play Spider until Paul gets in about 6:30, having to go to Grand Central to buy Acela train-ticket for DC on Friday, leaving about 1PM, what a PAIN, since I'm leaving about 3PM! Tried to think of a good restaurant, but can't find any from my list, and even the Cole Brothers Circus seems not to be a possibility for tonight. After seeing that Pete's Downtown is closed on Monday, Paul suggests duck at Teresa's, and they have two left for an enormous meal and an $18 bottle of Pink Zinfandel, filling us up tremendously. Walked a hazy Promenade, then back for Paul to watch more porn and me to do more Spider until 9:30, when I take evening pills and also decide to take a second consecutive Ambien to get to sleep with Paul in bed next to me at 10PM.

TUESDAY, 7/31/07: Again sleep through night without waking up to pee: great Ambien! He's up, then back to bed, and I'm up at 6:30AM, taking care to cover my shit-stain (should have been to the gym YESTERDAY!) on the sheet, which he wordlessly goes along with. He has breakfast on the balcony, enjoying the view and the almost perfect weather and only slightly high humidity, and I finish the Sun's puzzles and type this to 7:50AM before having breakfast and getting into the day of unplanned details, since he's now HERE and jury's OVER and I have no REAL plans for what to do this week. Go to the gym early, read the 7/30 New Yorker, and phone Marj about "birdies burning" from 9/11, how we feast and enjoy ourselves while others starve and suffer, and how Courbet's The Return from the Conference was bought, in 1909, by a pious Catholic, who destroyed it. Marj has NO recollection of "The Connoisseur," which leads me to a search of my files, showing that I didn't scan or retype many of the items I'd tried to have published, or wrote for various scientific publications, but the only items in a "save for Xeroxing" folder are sheets for my aborted "guru" position of advisor on est, Scientology, Actualism, and other mystic offerings. Look through some folders twice and three times, NOT locating a copy of the actual story. Frustrated and foiled, I search until 6:45, when I dress for dinner at Henry's End with the K.s and Shelley, with great Eroica wine, and lots of Dale's left-over, mediocre red wine, and then back to search more, making lists of "found" missing DIARY page-numbers, and take another Ambien and get to bed at 10:10PM, falling asleep with the air conditioner still on in 81° heat.

WEDNESDAY, 8/1/07: Wake at 5 to pee, and up at 7:10 to mope around apartment, finding no Sun in front of my door, take a big shit, try unsuccessfully to remember a dream, and type this to 7:33AM, scheduling day for MoMA, naked men, Sharon, and hopefully a Beard cancellation for the harvest dinner tonight. Do the Sun puzzles by taking Beverley's copy, breakfast of well-warmed on half-power scrambled eggs, out so early to the Modern that we're in back of long line, but our guest passes let us right in the front door and we get out to see one huge Serra in the garden, make a reservation for the Bar because the Restaurant is completely booked, see all the other floors, with an impressive Sequence actually seemingly endless on the second floor, then back to the garden to see the one we missed, have an egg salad and a refreshing frozen latte (for $11.83!) outside, then to Throckmorton, which we found by my going into a hair salon and having the luck to find the New York magazine with Spitzer on the cover and the address inside, and a glass of ice water with the sexy pictures, and then home to find we HAVE the cancellation tonight at the Beard, with the added remarkable coincidence (almost on a par with John's using Susie's complimentary Serra ticket the SAME MORNING we use ours!) that the wine with the second course is the Ste. Michelle Eroica Riesling! Talk endlessly to Marj, and call Dale and Shelley to tell of the wine coincidence, and type this to 4:42PM, having to keep reminding myself to go to Sharon by 5:30, whose building I've already been in today to renew my St. Charles membership and look at their new (still somewhat tacky) dining room, AND be told by Christine that they're still looking for a wall on which to project my slides, and she still has my phone number for when she has the right accommodations for me. How GREAT we have dinner, and at the same table with Ken.

SHARON B. 37                                                  8/1/07

Get in saying, "I feel WONDERFUL!" I tell her about getting the noon reservation from #3 and 4 on the Beard wait-list for tonight; the coincidence of John A.'s being at MoMA on the VERY MORNING we're using the same tickets gotten months ago from Susie; and finally came up with not being able to get lunch in the Modern Restaurant as the only negative thing. She smiled through the whole spiel, saying that I'd worked for all of it, prepared what I had to prepare, and deserved every bit of it, in good part because I was so good with everyone I came in contact with. She ended by saying I'd helped make HER day, too. Told about getting the address of the male nudes from a New York magazine picked up at a barbershop, but then at the end added that I was very aware that it was possible for me to come on TOO strong with certain people, causing them to hate me or not want to listen to me, or envy me, which she said was possible if they didn't realize the work I put into it. I mentioned those in the past who wanted to be indexers before I told them how long I had built up my reputation, and how hard the work was, and how many that I'd trained had dropped out. I said that it really started after last week's session, that the end of THAT week was good even BEFORE Paul arrived and all the good things (including the repeat of the Eroica wine tonight) started. I said I almost felt like a new person, freer and more spontaneous. She asked when I'd felt so good before, and I mentioned than often, in the middle of a trip, I'd find some place to sit and just SOAK in the fact that I was there, away from my normal place on the face of the earth, enjoying the place AT THE MOMENT for all that it was, and she emphasized the goodness of being happy IN THE MOMENT. She also said that sometimes people had little to talk about when everything was going well, so about 6:12PM I said, "I think I'll just float out of here," and got out to meet the black desk clerk coming back, asking if I was finished for the evening (I guess he thought I lived there), and smiled broadly when I said I wasn't coming back and he wished me a good evening that I wished right back at him, and couldn't help but think how Sharon insisted that people were good to me because I was good toward them. Did complain about the heat today; also told about taking three sleeping pills because of the unusualness of sleeping next to someone in the same bed, but she seemed to think that was perfectly OK, and that I wasn't about to get habituated to their use, as Ken has done. Also, I praised Paul for being non-pushy about sex, being amenable to plans, and being happy when things worked out. She did seem to emphasize the good luck of having people, like Marj, who knows when I want her to stop, and like Tris, whom I appreciate and who likes what I do for him, like my giving Marj Tris's phone number if she needed to ask any questions when I was away. Also mentioned to John at the museum that he had to water me a week from Friday, but I'll have to call him again. Also mentioned that I could give Shelley a name from a sheet on my desk of someone who could replace her windows. So it was just a blathering lovely session, and at one point I mentioned CRYING from feeling so great, and she said how good it was that ANYONE was able to do that, and I left before I started bawling right there, and she turned immediately to make notes. She said my anxiety was a SYMBOL of losing control, which I thought was better than thinking of it as a HABIT. TRAVEL:BALTICS  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 36)

SHARON B. 38                                  8/22/07

Put the films and two checks into the post office, tried the Senior Center but the door was locked, and got to her at 5:25 and she took me at 5:31. I started immediately on the trip: the heat, the fatigue, the awful couple with their stupid questions, the two dynamite guys traveling together, the good guide, the disappointment that the countries seemed much alike except for their currencies, but I was sure things would become more country-specific as I put together the slide-show. She re-noted the Galapagos slides at 2PM on Tuesday the 28th in the third Cadman Plaza Building, and I re-noted talking to Christine about the possibility of starting showing here. Then went to the dream, saying that I'd thought of bringing the whole page, but she agreed that the "general feeling I got from it" was the most important part, calling my Second Revision, or whatever the technical term was, as important as the dream itself, giving me a NEW aspect of the trip to look forward to: meeting an entirely unknown group of people from many different backgrounds, some of whom will be interesting, maybe even as interesting as Alex and Mitch on the Baltics trip. Then went to demand Ambien CR from Dr. L., who refused it at first, which I thought was strange, since my use of 14 capsules in a year was surely nothing to worry about, but I DID say it was the first time he'd seen me and maybe had nothing to trust me about, and that I’d been glad when he finally relented and prescribed seven. Then jumped to the incident in the hallway when I didn't say a word because I thought it would turn into a bitter argument with the guy at the end of the hall, who used it as a public playground for his screaming daughter. She complimented me on my honesty, thought it was a good idea to put my letter under his door, was amused by the coincidence of his wife LEAVING so I could make sure he'd get it, and I said I had no idea what the response would be, even thinking that the 10:30AM knock on the door from Paul (also went into all the trauma about THAT visit) might be him. I said I had no idea why the guy was like he was: maybe he was shy; maybe, I fantasized, he knew I was gay and had some problem with it, either with me or with himself, saying that he and his wife and another couple had come to my first New Year's Eve gathering in my apartment, but neglected to add that I'd never been invited to their apartment at all. Maybe he might not even say anything about my note until we met by chance in the hall, and I had no preconception whether he'd apologize, be belligerent in support of his behavior, or even ignore it completely. Talked of my confiding of my fears of weakness and fatigue on trips with Spartacus, saying I was gratified that he seemed to be sympathizing with me, and she even suggested that I might have been giving him an opportunity to feel good about my confiding in him. DID not resist remarking that others had praised ME for listening to THEIR troubles with sympathy. Kept moving from subject to subject, and at the end, when she suggested I seemed better now than I had at the beginning, I turned and asked directly, "Was that a good session?" She described it as a "catch-up" session, which was typical after a few weeks without a meeting, saying that everything I said was OK to be said, but did imply that we WERE catching up and jumping around, and maybe more concentration, though I may be misreading her, would be better. She dismissed me promptly at 6:20, and we rather both promised that next week would be more "normal," since we would have caught up. Remember dismissing any dreams I may have had during the trip as being "nothing different from the trip itself, as if everything good or bad that could happen was happening in real life and didn't need to be repeated in dreams." Told of the possibility of a future trip with Alex of the 305 countries, which would be interesting, and our flattering each other by noting our professionalism in the art of travel itself. Told her how I totally wasted time on Saturday and Sunday, just doing what I wanted to do with no thoughts of oughts, though today I did think I had to attend to things, particularly now since I know I'll be getting my new windows on FRIDAY, rather than in a few weeks as I'd thought before. Glad she thought session OK. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 39) 

WEDNESDAY, 8/22/07: 7:09PM: Came back from Sharon to type the above notes before reading the rest of the letter that the creep (from my impression on reading the first few paragraphs) down the hall slipped under my door during the VERY short time I wasn't here. Well, the letter wasn't THAT bad, but more mean-spirited than I would have thought, being PARTICULARLY annoyed at knowing it was more like 7:30AM, not 9AM, when his kid woke me! Pity I didn't include the time in my note. Will be curious to see if, as he says at the start of his last paragraph, "I hope we can now leave this issue behind." However, I will NOT "remember that kids bring joy and delight wherever they go." TALK ABOUT MISGUIDED OPINION! Daily journal continues AFTER Sharon B. 39-40.

SHARON B. 39                                                  8/29/07

First I handed her the written address of the slides, and she talked about court buildings and not knowing where she was going, and "too far to walk," and again regretted not seeing the Galapagos slides. Then I started dropping the bombs: I felt tired; I felt weak; I was constantly irritated: everything was going wrong and nothing was going right (though I DID praise my finding Porno 1 and going to the Beard last night without a hangover today, and going again tonight for only $75), starting with not really unpacking until AFTER the windows were replaced on Friday, which so messed up the computer wires that it was only THIS AFTERNOON that I finally figured out, after looking at it two or three times, how to route the AlphaSmart through the keyboard as it was before, rather than rewiring the "keyboard" outlet when I needed to. Then in the middle the crushing conversation with Edgardo came up, with "You didn't love me as much as I loved you," and she reasonably said that nothing could be done about it now, and I reminded even MYSELF that I was in a relationship, quite good at the time, with John, and Edgardo KNEW his father would demand that he marry and raise the children that he finally, in fact, did, but I did NOT recall that he broke off his relationship of five years (from 18-23, when he met me) with another man because of his greater love for ME. Talked about feeling tired all the time, though I do sleep, but I DID stay up till 2:30 this morning, which was stupid, but I'll certainly get through the Beard tonight OK. Then talked about, reluctantly and shamefacedly, about jerking off MORE with Porno 1, but didn't find it as exciting as before, and again rehashed the puzzlement I had about these older men taking testosterone injections to build up their muscle mass and energy that left them feeling younger, but what was it doing to their prostates? But Proscar, lowering testosterone, left me with little libido. I kept comparing how I felt twenty years ago with how I feel now, though she said that getting used to growing old was an ongoing project. I even said that on a trip I felt better when I woke to pee and type a dream, but she nicely suggested that THEN I was getting the input of the travel and the people and the experiences, where here I was just getting the duties of the money-wiring, the Word 7 code-getting not from Dell but from Microsoft, which I DID get, but I didn't mention the Visa problem, or its penalty resolution, and she just said that I felt good last week (yeah, I hadn't even sent the FIRST of two e-mails to Alex and Mitch), and now I was at a low point, and I even brought in the incoming index as another duty to tend to, as well as my dentist's appointment tomorrow, not even mentioning the APC battery blowout, for which I got the replacement just now, WITH THE SLIDES already! And lots of mail, and will get a call tomorrow about the new food orders, too. Complained endlessly, then apologized for complaining, but she kept insisting that it was HER job to hear me out, whom could I talk to, she knew that things would be better next week, and I mentioned not finalizing the CD for the Galapagos show, and burdened her with MY burdens of ordering a new shade for the bedroom and re-covering the air conditioner from raindrops, and she said she hoped I'd feel better, and I kept sighing and finally admitted that it WAS better, though I even told her about griping to Piri while calling her AGAIN about the scanner information she'd given me before, but I'd LOST! (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 40)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 38)


TUESDAY, 9/4/07: 7:40AM: Finish typing an elaborate dream [DREAMS:9/4/07] which recaps my current position perfectly: a LOT of things to do, littering my desk, my coffee table, my night table, and the dining-room table, with ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY to accomplish anything yesterday: played Spider for three hours, talked to Marj about a condition she finally described perfectly as MALAISE, and she, like Sharon, absolutely encouraged me in doing absolutely nothing, since there was nothing that I HAD to do at the moment, and "Anyway, it's Labor Day, for God's sake, and NO one's doing anything!" I'm beginning to think this is NOT the best advice for me! But, I console myself, I DO get things done: trips when I plan them (or when someone else plans them), followed by the documentation and slide-shows concerning them; indexes when they so rarely come in; long-term agonies like 1) replacing the rotary slide-projector bulb, 2) applying for the SCRIE program, 3) settling unpaid credit-card bills, 4) tending to my teeth, 5) some other project that took months and months until it was finally solved---or not solved, like putting Word 7 on my Dell desktop, and learning how to use Pinnacle. Ah, 6) getting HIP to pay for all my Yellowstone Park billings was the project I tried to think of but couldn't. So now, in briefest compilation, I have 1) all the notes I've scrawled through the past two weeks to gather and add to NOTEREPL, 2) all the credit-card papers I have to tend to, to tend to, 3) all the website tasks to properly stack in their probable order of accomplishment, 4) all the lists, including the "100 tasks" list, to maintain, 5) the slide scanner to set up and test, 6) the windows-change tasks for TODAY: a) getting the screws out of the windows so they CAN open perpendicularly, b) measuring the new rug for the living-room air conditioner and the new new rug for the bedroom air-conditioner drip-protection, c) checking to make sure the new door has glass to the FLOOR, so that none of my present view is removed from my favorite chair, lighted by the lamp for which I must get two replacement bulbs today. And then sort out all the OTHER mess into the OTHER stacks that I can organize on the coffee table so at least I can SEE what the next steps must be! And thank god for this present moment, I feel like I have SOME energy to accomplish SOME of these tasks, not like the awful "malaise" yesterday---and I sure had a stack of dreams to take to Sharon this evening! Finish this by 7:55AM, having done SOMETHING "of use," which of course reminds me of all the backups I should be doing TODAY!

WEDNESDAY, 9/5/07: 4:30PM: Having gotten up to item 78 on my list of 100 things-to-have-done before my next trip, I tried to find what DREAM pages to take to Sharon tonight and discover that I haven't yet proofed the dreams I added from my AlphaSmart from my Baltics trip! Get through that, disappointed at not being able to put a hard-page after the last of the Baltics dreams, since I'd already printed out pages 45-47 and didn't want to reprint them. Catch up with that and have to print another page to clear the printer of the last dream page, and when I come to "WHERE AM I NOW?" I decide the simplest thing is to finish that page and print it as a complete separate page. I'm managing to do what I MUST do, and lots of extra things, but still haven't sorted out the mess to isolate all the NOTEREPL additions, put them in order, and type them in, and then find out what else has to be handled, like my blood test tomorrow, the evaluation of the Baltics trip, ordering screens, contacting Paul, whom the fat worker obviously hadn't told of my wanting Paul to see me in 20K for my four questions. At least I can now tell Marj, if she asks, "The check is in the mail." Decided to keep the Baltics souvenirs in TWO folders, one for the small countries the other for Lithuania itself. Have to wait for the next Visa bill to get the conversion factors for currency for expenses. Beautiful days out, of which I'm not taking the slightest advantage. Less than three weeks to the next trip, and I certainly at least want to hook up and TRY the slide scanner, though Tris dismissed my "fantasy" of combining text and slides on same page.

SHARON B. 40                                                  9/5/07

Went declaring it was a dream session: I'd written out the following summary:
FRIDAY, 8/31: Hair out of the drain.
SATURDAY, 9/1: Actualism initiation with drugs.
SUNDAY, 9/2: Dusty clothes/Ocelot underfoot/Dry sand planter filled with water/ serving communion.
MONDAY, 9/3: Need my coat up ruined stairway/ ALZHEIMER'S in dream.
TUESDAY, 9/4: IBM: 2 tasks, totally lost and undone.
WEDNESDAY, 9/5: Index wrong/rotten $10 bill.
I said that most of them were just a puzzlement, but she chose to emphasize the strangeness of the ocelot---between a cat and a dog. I said the Alzheimer's in the dream seemed perfectly OK, and at the end she used it as a conclusion: the worst thing that you could think of to happen to you, happened to you, and it was still OK with you as you were. I had to admit that was true. I bitched and moaned about the stuff that I didn't do on Monday, thinking even that I was sick from the green-pepper pizza with Ken at Fascati's Sunday night, particularly when he called back about noon to say that he wasn't feeling very well. I phoned Marj, KNOWING that I would waste an hour on the phone with her, and she was somewhat in the same place, using what I thought was the perfect word---malaise---to describe how I felt. I felt better on Tuesday, doing lots of things, but I still hadn't attacked the central piles on my desk and my coffee table, almost FEARING what I might find that was already too late to handle. She kept talking about my fear of losing control, and at the end asked me to remember times when I felt that I was in a position of being out of control, and of course the things that came first to my mind were the airplane near-accidents: the pulling up of my first jet flight from Montreal on landing in JFK and almost running into a plane flying across its landing pattern; the return on the flight to Moscow with my mother, the return on the flight to Cairo with the IBM group, losing engines both times. Lesser times I didn't bother with: the BUMP onto the landing field in Yap, the WHUMP from the rear of the plane just after some other plane had lost control in its tail and came down in Japan (killing all aboard), the incredible instant dip flying into Los Angeles one time, the lightning that surrounded the plane as we were landing somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. But she thought the pivotal lack of control would have occurred early in childhood, as her training taught her was the case in most subjects, and would I mind if we went back to try to recapture these? I said that if she felt I was repeating myself, as I many times felt I was doing, she should feel perfectly free to cut me off and say we should go back to my childhood, at which point she said that I never repeated myself, each time I addressed my frustration, or lack of control, or fear of growing old, I expressed myself in different ways, each of which meant something to her. I said that I'd not been so frank with my previous therapist from HIP, but I did feel that freedom with her, and we congratulated ourselves on being so honest with each other. I truly could think of no good reason for NOT clearing up the mess confronting me, except that I was lazy, lacked determination, and that it was NOT a case of "doing everything," since I knew that even after I tackled the stacks, I'd be left with a number of long-range activities that I'd have no hope of finishing before the next trip, involving mainly the slide-scanner and the website in general, talking of it now in terms of a TEN-year project, rather than a five-year project as I used to do last October when I celebrated the FIRST anniversary of the project, coming up to the SECOND quite soon. We agreed that we had two sessions left before I left on my next trip, which I said made it seem closer than I'd actually thought of it being, so I really had a lot I wanted to do, at least to clear things away so I could work on the TWO INDEXES coming in without feeling an urge to do something else, as is usually the case, as I did NOT mention to her this time, but I have two times left and she seems determined to delve back into my childhood problems. (CONTINUE TO SHARON B. 41)  (RETURN TO SHARON B. 39)

CATCHING UP ON ALL THE NOTES                                       9/6/07
I figure the easiest way is to take them AS THEY COME and type them in ORDER before printing out ANY of them.

Note from FRIDAY, 8/3/07: This is NOT in previous pages, NOT in Baltics trip, so it must be HERE: my do-list for this day: 1) Keys to Bob L. 12:30-1PM, 2) Gym, 3) Try to Google medical conventions for Paul, 4) Water plants, and leave word with John to water and Bill P. to pick up Times, 5) Cancel the Sun with Sherri, 6) Pack, 7) C., refill Ambien, 8) Eat lunch. Then follow the notes in the Baltics trip. TRAVEL:BALTICS

Note from THURSDAY, 8/23/07: Bed 9:45PM. SEARCH for two Nocatmide to 10:25, finally take an Ambien CR.

Note from FRIDAY, 8/24/07: Type dream [DREAMS:8/24/07] at 6:21AM. Take Valium for window installation 6:39AM. Start putting things out of the way and Paul comes in at 7:20AM!! "We told you we start at 7AM," he says, which I didn't believe! He leaves at 7:55, my computer wires in a total mess, saying, "They'll be back at 8AM." At 8:05 they move LOTS of stuff in, putting up cardboard against my mirrors, but there's almost no dust, and they're done about 12:15PM, doing the finishing touches (including BLOCKING the window openings) by 1:35PM. I'd been sitting in the living room doing puzzles and reading old articles, putting in my two cents when needed. Place a total mess, but the windows look GOOD! And open all the way (I thought!) for cleaning. Decide to j/o, play Spider starting at 8:54PM, interrupted by a call from Paul M., and stop at 11:51, getting to the terrible score of 49.11455. Bed 11:55PM.

Note from SATURDAY, 8/25/07: Up at 7:13AM. A/C on 75°. Bed at 11:10PM.

Note from SUNDAY, 8/26/07: Up 7:14AM. Find Porno 1!!! Then j/o with glee! Bed 10:58PM.

Note from MONDAY, 8/27/07: Dream at 2:37AM. Pee at 6AM. Make do-list: 0) pick up food, 1) change dental appointment, 1.5) Wednesday Beard still available? 2) call bank and Darius, 3) finish Ken's videotapes, 4) gym, 5) Marj, did you SEND disk? No. 6) Set up slides for tomorrow, 7) call for food, 8) call PEOPLE for slides tomorrow! Up at 6:41AM, since I'm clearly not going back to sleep. Manage to do everything on list, so I can throw it away, having typed it, finally, 9/6!

Note from TUESDAY, 8/28/07: Bed at 12:15AM, having drunk LOTS of water, and NO pee and solid sleep to 8:22AM!! Check with HSBC: 1) Wire transfer of $215 already cleared. 2) Visa check in 8/27/ 3) Balance of $5992.49.

Note from WEDNESDAY, 8/29/07: Bed 2:31AM and up at 8:35AM. Make small list: 1) order slide-scanner to take AAdvantage card up to $750 by 9/1, which I later phone to find actually WORKED!, and 2) Find Word 7 disk and code for Carolyn, which takes a half-hour to do, but I do both 9:30-10:30AM, with triumph! Make note at 9:25AM for code: MS Works, Version 8.5, Product ID 77058-OEM-0400003-00000. They keep sending me to "Dell live support on the Web." I need a "product key." Call Microsoft at 1-800-642-7676 at 9:38 and get the new product key, ludicrous: JJK4DMT4VFWKPDCTGXX6W7KWB. J/o 11PM-1AM and FAIL.

Note from THURSDAY, 8/30/07: Bed 1:07AM and up at 8:43AM. Bed at 9:57PM to catch up.

Note from FRIDAY, 8/31/07: Pee at 6:45AM. 7:05AM need to pee AGAIN! 7:23AM: MIND-CLEARING (with yesterday behind): 1) Watch Ken's tapes (2). 2) RECORD stuff: a) Looked for bidis after Baltics trip and found NO spare box, which I'm SURE I had AT LEAST one of, and decided that Paul C. must have taken it! b) He also leaves porno tape P in the slot in the TOP VCR, which I'd WONDERED why it was inhabited, which he "didn't bother" to tell me about, and I have to hook it up to give it power to take it out. c) I look through CDs for a spare case for my Galapagos CD, and come across a DVD-RW on which I'd written "damaged?" Thinking maybe I could throw it out, I put the DVD into the slot and hit PLAY to get "Disk can only be read." I hit the Directory button and it TURNS OUT TO BE PORNO 1!!! I'm so delighted to re-meet old friends that I j/o many times during the next few weeks until its newfound power wears off. d) Look for the large stapler to attach the black plastic to the top of the new bedroom window, and it's not there! Remember that Paul wanted to borrow it for something, and I think he may have taken THAT, only to find it a number of days later ON TOP OF THE BOUND PAGES ON TOP OF THE BOOKCASE, where I'd never have thought to look unless I was looking for something ELSE (6). 3) Call ENT for blood test (31, finding that it's already ON the Lab computer waiting for me). 4) C.: Why am I TIRED? But since I'm not feeling that bad at this point, I'll cross that off today, too (6). 5) Check e-mails (3). 6) Finish and DVD Oprah (31). 7) Finalize Galapagos CD (31). 8) Tuesday: Susan: next show (4, deciding she was full already for October, I had to settle for November 27 for the Baltics slides). 9) Do Baltics Summary and print (2). 10) Edit slides BEFORE Ken? Yes (1). OK at 7:26AM, filling one card, and since I've done them ALL, I triumphantly throw ONE card into newly emptied wastebasket. Card 2: Start Actualism 7:28. And started NEXT list of 10: 1) Cover BEDROOM A/C top. 2) Change plant-water (2). 3) Schwab One Marj check (5). 4) Send Baltics to Tris. 5) Call Sun about intermittent papers. 6) Buy spare halogen tube, and thought to check CVS to find that they have TWO for $7, rather than the Court Street $5 for one, and take burnt-out one in this morning and find it's the right size and it WORKS (6). 7) Install APC battery. 8) Backups to Tris/Rita/Carolyn. 9) "All" files to Tris. 10) "Website history" memo. To 7:40, NOT starting Actualism yet. Card 3: Start Actualism 7:43. 1) Catch up on NOTEREPL. 2) Figure Baltics expenses. 3) Get new laser-pointer batteries (and add note: Check CVS!). Start Actualism 7:53. 4) Update Actualism file. 5) Stamps. 6) 9:01: Write Darius-fantasy, with conclusion: "He'll fill my fantasies and I'll fill HIS!" 7) LIST "100 things to do" (31). Finish this at 9:09AM. Bed 10:17PM. Start Actualism, no good. Take ONE screw out of window by 10:54PM. Take sleeping pill (Ambien), still awake at 11:09PM. WHERE are two NOCTAMIDES that I thought were left??

Note from SATURDAY, 9/1/07: Wake 7:35AM, up at 8:06AM. Make a big do-list: 1) new rug atop A/C, 2) bedroom blind, 3) Baltics expenses, 4) buy laser-pointer batteries. Bed at 10:37PM.

Note from SUNDAY, 9/2/07: Pee at 3:37AM, type dream [DREAMS:9/2/07], and pee again at 4AM. 5AM: Sudden urge (MENTAL urge, not PHYSICAL urge) to j/o, which I do to 6AM. Watch SUNRISE 6:17 (occurs at 6:24AM) to 6:38AM, and about 30 geese flying southEAST under my view of the rising sun. Up 9:40AM, after about 11 hours in bed, but taking off for the three hours up, still about 8 hours, or LESS, since I stayed awake after getting into bed both times. Bed 11PM.

Note from MONDAY, 9/3/07: Feel SICK early today; phone Ken to see if it might have been from shared pizza last night, but he said it was more likely I picked up a BUG that he'd been having the past few days. Then he phoned a few hours later to say that HE wasn't feeling well. Took my temperature about 1PM to find it a perfect 98.6°. Bed at 10:05PM.

Note from TUESDAY, 9/4/07: Pee at 4AM. Up at 7:11AM and type dreams [DREAMS:9/4/07] and NOTEREPL until 8AM. Bed 11:45PM, still awake 12:15AM! Note that I should add "Number Baltics slides" to my list. Note that I need FULL A/C covers for RAIN. Up Wednesday morning at 8:32, still tired!

Note from WEDNESDAY, 9/5/07: Make list for the day: 0) Mail Marj Schwab One check and pick up the mail that I didn't pick up yesterday, sure to be full (but it wasn't, since two magazines did double issues last week). 1) See Paul: a) take screws out so windows can be OPEN, b) turpentine? c) curb-cut plan? d) get letter THAT SAME morning about "hurricane" windows earning insurance discount from Allstate; do mine qualify? 2) Gym. 3) Sharon 5:30 (take DREAMS). 4) Put out TWO food boxes.

Note from THURSDAY, 9/6/07: List: 0) Pick up food (and STILL two boxes left!). 1) Get fasting blood test (which I finally do at 10:30AM, after phoning TWICE to make sure it's ON the Lab's computer, and it's been there since JUNE!!!). 2) Water John's plants (and his kitchen sink's drip has FINALLY stopped!). 3) Take lamp-tube and card to see if it's OK at CVS (and it IS!). 4) Arnold calls for my going over (but I call him, and he's too busy today, and we'll talk about tomorrow). 1:50PM: Have been typing last two weeks from various notes and came to Wednesday's list 1). Paul didn't come up yesterday, so I asked Ron what I should do, and he suggested I talk to John L., the new Property Manager. Introduce myself to him and tell him my problems, he phones Yves, who has a full message-box, but who then calls back to say, "Just take the screws out!" Why couldn't he have just told ME that, rather than going through Paul and Ron and John??? John also says there's something called "Glu-Off" or "Rub-Off" that the maintenance people have to remove acrylic remains. And the curb-cut plans have been cleared, so soon they'll be passing around a memo scheduling when it'll be done. So I leave a work order with Ron about 11AM for a) screws out and b) acrylic removal, and he phones me at 12:05 to apologize and say that two workmen will be up at 1:30PM for both tasks, and of course now at 1:53PM they're not here yet, but I've cleared the plants from the living-room window and verified that my typing wing will fold in enough to let them get to my bedroom window top and bottom with a ladder. CLEAR my desk of notes by 2:30PM, STILL no workmen! Type LIST OF 100 THINGS TO DO by 2:43PM. Fred calls, which leads me to call 13 people for the Galapagos evening here and puts me #2 on a waiting list for a $75 Mexico special at the Beard, thanks to Anita. But already timing conflicts mean I have to CHOOSE (or have TWO evenings!) who comes. Then at 6:30 Ken reports in that he can ONLY come on the 21st, just after I'd decided to show it TWO evenings: 14 and 23! DAMN! And Steph and Piri and Shelley have not yet voted! Channel 13 plays Pavarotti's Elixir of Love instead of program I wanted to watch. Watch awful end of I Want to Be a Superhero. Bed 11:30PM, feeling accomplished: 15! items on "100 list" today!

FRIDAY, 9/7/07: Pee at 4:47AM. Do Actualism to 6AM. Up 6:28AM, Actualism done, DOZENS (well, 13) things on list for today: 0) Pick up mail, re-ask Ron for screws, mail stuff by 10AM; 1) Arnold's today? 2) Wine reservations, 3) Cabin number? 4) Flight seats? 5) Consolidate lists (make each on a card), 6) Clip toenails, 7) Brooklyn Botanic today? 8) W.: Send last year's index NOW, 9) Give Tris and Tori 3 Galapagos dates, 10) Topic: people/friends (Charles, Spartacus, Mildred; well, Carolyn and Fred do) don't invite anyone to parties/gatherings; I DO, with slides. 11) Where are Japan expenses and note-cards? 12) Watch Ken's tape. Go to other tasks now at 9:05AM: for 3) cabin number by mail; for 8) he messengers it TODAY, so I have it; write Darius-fantasy from a prior list, then Sherryl calls and says we'll meet at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden gate at 12:45PM. Roses are still great, and crepe-myrtle looks very like lilac, but little else, except good quiche for lunch. Back at 2:45, see Crush and Personal Velocity, and bed at 10:07: TV Guide OFF!

SATURDAY, 9/8/07: Pee at 3:42AM and wake with an erection and play to j/o from 6:52 to 8AM, after breakfast do puzzles to noon, finish Apres Vous, gym, more Spider 3:53-5:23 to new high of 49.23256 (3 wins), then type this to 5:30PM, will record the two-second golden mympths in the appropriate file, and may do other helpful tasks to finish off the next page for printing after doing this!

LIST OF 100 THINGS TO DO (actually, things DONE!), started 8/31/07:
100) Start this list
99) Fill salt shaker
98) Watch 3 movies
     Done 8/31/07
97) Edit slides for Ken
96) Set up Sunday for Ken and Mildred
     Done 9/1/07
95) Type Baltics Summary
94) Print Baltics
93) Finish Ken's tapes
92) Wash dishes
91) Call B. in Manhattan, no relation of Dana, checking for Amy
90) Change plant-water
     Done 9/2/07
89) Call HH meals---guy LEFT box
88) Check e-mail
     Done 9/3/07 (miserable Labor Day)
87) AAdvantage HAS 20,000 miles bonus
86) United Mileage Plus HAS 85,333 miles
85) Throw out box of heavily mildewed index cards
84) Check papers: it IS an all-glass balcony door
83) Watch Baltics videotapes, mainly successful
82) Make CDs of my j/o
     Done 9/4/07
81) Mail Marj's check
80) Ask Paul Maintenance to 20K
79) Call Tris, whom I hung up on yesterday
78) Number Baltics slides
77) Proof Baltics dreams
76) Replace printer ribbon
75) Summarize last week's dreams for Sharon
     Done 9/5/07
74) Report HH meals goof: extra box still not picked up; no SNACKS
73) Get blood test: results back Tuesday
72) Water John's plants
71) Buy torchiere bulbs at CVS, cheaper than Court Street!
70) Request screws removed and acrylic removed from AC top
69) Type contents of, and throw away, all chronological notes on desk
68) Throw away typed card A of this list, now onto card B
67) Call 13 people for Galapagos here
66) Sort everything into 16 piles, at last: start something NOW!
65) Fill out MIR trip survey
64) Distribute opera tickets
63) Set up AAdvantage Autopay
62) Respond to Choice "Spirit" $16.50 bill
61) Try Shelley's "funwithwine" site, too pricey
60) Try Alex's "BestWayToursAndSafaris" and don't find it
     Done 9/6/07
59) Ron: "You should have called at 1:30"; will put in work-order again
58) Write "Friends don't invite people over"
57) Call smarTours: Cabin number by mail
56) W. will send old index by messenger today
55) Write Darius-fantasy page
54) Go to Brooklyn Botanic Garden with Sherryl
     Done 9/7/07
53) Finish Ken's tape and cheat to make the last line the last line
     Done 9/8/07, though some recorded for TOMORROW were done TODAY!
52) Update Actualism file
51) Clip toenails
50) Consolidate lists
49) Consolidate slide-groups of 14th and 21st---all above actually 9/8
48) Bundle newspapers to take out
     Done 9/9/07
47) Finish Ken's videotapes
46) Find Japan notes and bills: I DID charge $16.50 to Ken's side, paying $8.25
45) Make 9/20 wine/tapas reservations
44) Put two piles BACK on top of pages stacks
43) Re-file Baltics stuff and coins
42) Shelley calls and corrects my Ukraine cabin number
41) Figure most of Baltics expenses
     Done 9/10/07
40) Shave
39) Call HH: Throw extra box away
38) LW C.: Blood results?
37) Connect and test slide-scanner
36) A.: Ertazco again
     Done 9/11/07
35) C.: NO cotton in ear
34) ReMAKE abdominal CAT scan with Doshi
33) Get 2 stamp catalogs
32) Get 2 laser-pointer batteries for $8+!
31) Finish Ken's tape_________________________________Done 9/12/07
30) Paul and Julio "open" windows and "rug" A/Cs
29) Yves: No 2% window-qualification for Allstate discount
28) Swap telephone books______________________________Done 9/13/07
27) Clean and scrub and vacuum
26) Set up for slides_________________________________Done 9/14/07
25) Return stack to Spartacus
24) Pizza slices to Bob L.
23) Bigelow's is closed at 7PM Saturdays, no Quies____Done 9/15/07
22) Call Howard P. for grass: none
21) CVS Rx is closed at 7PM Saturdays: no prescriptions__Done 9/16/07
20) Leave word with Tris: WHY do I look at Glumbert? For dolphins
19) Mail two tax checks________________________________Done 9/17/07
18) Check Cambodia trip: NOT to Laos
17) OAT GIVES all windows on Maya trip!
16) Replace APC battery
15) Write and send TRISMEM8
14) Add name to Carter Burden's list, per Anita
13) Register at PopPhoto but can't continue
12) Soak stamps_________________________________________Done 9/18/07
11) Get Doshi CAT-scan of abdomen
10) Leave word with two Albright-Knox index people______Done 9/19/07
9) Finish Ken's tape____________________________________Done 9/21/07
8) Make three backup disks______________________________Done 9/22/07
7) Do stamps from Volumes 3 and 4_______________________Done 9/23/07
6) Re-send Workoff indexes: they look OK!
5) Cancel Sun till 10/7, today by 11AM? Yes!
4) E-mail Sandy re address and card
3) Bill P: pick up 4 Times
2) Phone Knox with questions
1) Fill HSBC account with Schwab One check
0) Finish this list!_____________________________________Done 9/24/07

Well, this list certainly succeeded in categorizing all the things I had to do between 8/31/07 and 9/24/07, in completing Baltics trip and preparing for Ukraine trip.