GIFT OF THE ALIEN
(a one-act by Bob Zolnerzak)
NOTE TO DIRECTOR OF "GIFT OF THE ALIEN"
ALLEN should be as attractive as possible without being "weird" in any way. His diction should be precise without being unpleasant. Above all, he should appear to be telling the truth throughout the play.
BARRY should start out being very attracted to ALLEN, eager to get him into bed. He responds to every possible sexual reading of the most ordinary talk. As ALLEN's "alienness" increases, BARRY becomes of two minds: is he being "had"? Or might ALLEN be out of his mind? But the attraction is still there throughout the play. If the actor playing BARRY can do it well, the entire play could be treated as building to an orgasmic climax under the "mere" words.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: If adequate strobe-light controls are available, ALLEN could "fly" like dancer David Parsons in his piece "Caught." An "Earthquake"-like deep bass sound would be effective, or very muted harp-music that BARRY reacts to as if hallucinating. Perfumes may be used, if available.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BARRY: Middle-aged and slightly out of shape. He wears glasses.
ALLEN: Younger and quite attractive.
SCENE
Manhattan apartment living room. Ordinary furniture. ALLEN and BARRY sit facing each other.
TIME
The near future.
BARRY
Forgive the apartment, it's a mess.
ALLEN
That's OK.
BARRY
Would you like a drink, or something?
ALLEN
That's OK.
BARRY
Well, Allen, I---uh---
ALLEN
I---guess I should correct that.
BARRY
Correct---what?
ALLEN
My name. Allen.
BARRY (motions to HX magazine)
Isn't that what your ad in HX said?
ALLEN
Yes, but "Allen" is incorrect. I even spelled it for them, but it came out Allen, which is incorrect.
BARRY
What's it supposed to be?
ALLEN
Alien: a--l--i--e--n.
BARRY
Alien??
ALLEN
Yes, I am an alien.
BARRY
But---where are you from?
ALLEN (pause for thought)
There is no word for that in your language.
BARRY
Language? What language do you speak?
ALLEN (pause)
There is no word for that in your language.
BARRY (slow realization)
You're not from---here---at all?
ALLEN (smiling)
No, I am not now from this exact place.
BARRY (pause)
Uh---
ALLEN (smiling)
I am not out of my mind, either.
BARRY (pause)
Ah---
ALLEN (smiling)
You are not out of your mind, either.
BARRY (quickly)
At least you aren't able to read my mind!
ALLEN (smiling)
To be precise, I am able to read your mind, but I choose not to read your mind during this conversation.
BARRY (pause)
Er---
ALLEN
So what were you thinking?
BARRY (almost a mumble)
How I could get you out of here without offending you.
ALLEN (frowning)
That isn't precise. If you got me out of here before I told you what I came to offer you, you would be offended.
BARRY
What you came to offer me?
ALLEN
Yes. (pause) You would like to live forever.
BARRY
Ahhh---yes, I would like to live forever.
ALLEN
Then you would be offended if I did not offer you the chance to live forever.
BARRY (long pause)
Is this some kind of gimmick, with HX magazine?
ALLEN
No, I think I'm the only alien with an ad in HX magazine.
BARRY
You---must have had a lot of responses to your ad; it sounded great.
ALLEN
Yes, but I was waiting only for your response.
BARRY
Only my response? How did you know I was me? I mean, how did you know---
ALLEN
I watched you.
BARRY
You watched me? How?
ALLEN (pause)
There is no word for that in your language.
BARRY (angry)
Don't try that again. (pause) You tell me how you watched me.
ALLEN (pause)
I left my place---and I came to your place---and I watched you.
BARRY
Where is your place?
ALLEN
There is no word---
BARRY (angry)
Not that! WHERE is your place?
ALLEN (pause)
Well, to be absolutely truthful, "where" is "here," but not as you would use the word "here."
BARRY
You live in this apartment?
ALLEN (pause, looking around the apartment)
Well, yes, I live in this apartment, but I don't live now in this apartment---you live now in this apartment.
BARRY
Maybe you need a lesson in "my language." If it's in the past, you say, "I lived---liv-duh---in this apartment in the past." If it's now, you say, "I live---liv-uh---in this apartment now." If it's in the future, you say, "I will live---will live---in this apartment." OK? You follow?
ALLEN
Relax. I know about the tenses of your verbs. (smiles) Don't get tense about it.
BARRY
Great. You know my language well enough to make jokes in it, but not enough to make SENSE in it.
ALLEN
Please, Barry, take my word for it; "now" is too difficult to talk about---now.
BARRY (frustrated)
Do you mind if I have a drink?
ALLEN
Actually, I would. I would also mind if you had a smoke, or went to sleep, or stopped listening to me.
BARRY (pause)
I don't know what to say.
ALLEN
Then I'll start: do you believe I'm an alien?
BARRY (pause: thinking about it)
No.
ALLEN
Why?
BARRY
Well, since I've never met one---no, that's not quite right.
ALLEN
Start again.
BARRY
You haven't proved it to me, so I can't be sure.
ALLEN
Good start! How can I prove to you that I'm an alien?
BARRY (thinking, then laughing)
You could take me to where you've come from, then I could decide for myself if it was an alien place.
ALLEN
Bad start! We're already there. No---I can't do that. Sorry about that. Start again.
BARRY (thinking)
Can you---I don't know---change shapes, or fly, or disappear---and then come back?
ALLEN
I don't know enough about your point of view.
BARRY
What do you mean---my point of view?
ALLEN
I know quite a bit about---your people's---point of view, but I don't know specifics about your, Barry's, point of view. (BARRY stares. Pause) Do you dorble?
BARRY
Dorble?
ALLEN
Sorry. OK, you don't dorble. Do you dream?
BARRY
Sure, everybody dreams.
ALLEN (thoughtfully)
OK, so everyone dreams and you don't dorble---on the other hand, do you pradicate?
BARRY
Predicate?
ALLEN
No, "predicate" is verbal, "pradicate" is commensal.
BARRY (thinking)
Commensal---sharing the same table? But I've never heard of---pradication? What is it?
ALLEN (laughing)
That would be like explaining what a Thormian is to someone who's never seen a Blant!!
BARRY
A blant! I've never even bumped into a---a--- priblegast!
ALLEN (serious)
A priblegast? What's a priblegast?
BARRY (laughing)
It's just a word I made up, like you're making up words---tharmions and blants!
ALLEN (serious)
Thormians and Blants. Thormians don't like to be made fun of, so be careful!
BARRY (not laughing)
So you are----being serious?
ALLEN (patiently)
I have to find out where you are. I've pretty much got you boxed in now: you dream, but you don't pradicate---and you've obviously never seen a Blant.
BARRY
What is a blant?
ALLEN
It's a---wait a minute, we're going in the wrong direction. Let's see. (pause) You dream but you don't dorble---let me ask you this: what's real.
BARRY
Real?
ALLEN
What can you see, taste, touch, trig, smell---
BARRY
Trig?
ALLEN
Trig! (pause) Ah, what are you doing with these?
(ALLEN flips his ears with his fingertips.)
BARRY
My ears? I hear you with my ears.
ALLEN
You only hear me? You don't trig me?
BARRY
I don't know what you mean! How can I tell if I'm "only" hearing you and not "trigging" you if I don't know what "trigging" means!
ALLEN
This isn't easy. (pause) Did you hear me?
BARRY
Yes, you said, "This isn't easy."
ALLEN
No, after that.
BARRY
Then you asked if I heard you.
ALLEN
OK, so you don't trig me.
BARRY (exasperated)
I don't know what you're talking about.
ALLEN
Wait. Wait. Let me start again. (pauses, then stands up and assumes a typical muscle-book physique pose) Do you like what you see?
BARRY (embarrassed)
Uh, yeah, but---you don't have to try so hard.
ALLEN (sitting back down)
I'm not hard. Are you hard?
BARRY
Well, I was when you first came in, but, uh, this hasn't been the sexiest conversation.
ALLEN (absurdly seductively)
Would you like to have the sexiest conversation?
BARRY
S-s-s-sometimes you say the strangest things.
ALLEN
Is that sexy?
BARRY
Uh---not really.
ALLEN
Then tell me: how can I make you like me?
BARRY
But I do----uh----find you attractive.
ALLEN
Even though you don't like me.
BARRY
Well, I think you look great, but----but----
ALLEN
But?
BARRY
Well----you have this "thing" that you're an alien.
ALLEN
"Thing?"
BARRY
Yeah. You're cute enough; you don't need this--- this thing that you're an alien.
ALLEN
Thing!
BARRY
Act! --- Ploy! --- Game!
ALLEN
Ah, you think I'm playing a game with you.
BARRY
Yeah.
ALLEN
Do you like playing games?
BARRY
I do, but I don't like playing this game.
ALLEN (thinking a long time)
You wear glasses, so you know what an eye chart is.
BARRY
Yes, I know what an eye chart is.
ALLEN
How good is your vision.
BARRY
Corrected, with glasses, it's twenty-twenty.
ALLEN
Twenty-twenty. But, you know, some people have ten-twenty vision, and some have thirty-twenty vision, uncorrected?
BARRY
I guess so, I don't know exactly how it goes. Do some people have one-twenty vision and some have, I don't know, five-thousand-twenty vision?
ALLEN (excited)
Yes, precisely! You've got it! There's a range of vision, and some people have one-twenty vision and some people have five-thousand-twenty vision. But now I can show you only things that you can see.
BARRY
But that's just the way---that's just the shape of my eyeball----
ALLEN
I know, I know, don't get me off the track. (Thinking) So in the audio sense you can hear but you can't trig. (Thinking) Tell me the colors in your rainbow.
BARRY
Uh, red, blue, yellow----
ALLEN (astounded)
Red, blue, yellow! In that order??
BARRY
No, not in that order. What is it---it's, uh, (pointing to a spectrum from side to side) red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet.
ALLEN (relieved)
OK. Anything beyond violet?
BARRY
Uh, we call it "ultraviolet," but we can't see it.
ALLEN
OK. Beyond red?
BARRY
That's infrared, but we can't see that, either.
ALLEN
OK, so you've got one octave.
BARRY
Octave, like in music?
ALLEN
Do you have one octave in music?
BARRY
No, we have----there are many octaves.
ALLEN
There are very many octaves, but I want to know how many you can hear.
BARRY
I don't know---what, there are about seven octaves on a piano.
ALLEN
And that's all you can hear?
BARRY
No, I-----most everyone can hear below and above those notes, and dogs can hear way above that.
ALLEN (surprised)
Dogs can trig?
BARRY (impatient)
There you go again: how do I know if dogs can do what you call "trigging!"
ALLEN
Sorry, let's go back to the color-octave. That's easier.
BARRY
Sure it's easier. There's only one.
ALLEN
Uh---no.
BARRY
Sure there's only one. We can make a color wheel, which has all kinds of colors between the ones I named.
ALLEN
Well, your color wheel is actually a limitation.
BARRY
A limitation?
ALLEN
It would be better if you thought of a color quadrisphere.
BARRY
A---quadrisphere?
ALLEN (thinking)
You might call it a four-dimensional sphere.
BARRY (thinking)
I---don't think so.
ALLEN (staring above Barry's head)
No, Einstein was a little off, there. There are six dimensions of space, two of time, and then there's one of----
BARRY (panicking)
Wait! Get out of my head! You said you weren't going to read my mind! (pause) You can read my mind!!
ALLEN (refocusing on Barry's eyes)
Sorry! I thought I'd help out! I know this isn't easy for you---it's not easy for me, either.
BARRY
You can read my mind!!
ALLEN
I said I'm sorry! I made a mistake! I promise not to do it again!
BARRY
But you did it!
ALLEN
Well, I did tell you that I could, but I chose not to because----
BARRY
But you can!
ALLEN
I told you I could!
BARRY
Yeah, but you also told me you were an alien!
ALLEN (long pause)
Do you want me to leave?
BARRY (long pause)
No.
ALLEN (pause)
Can we get back to the quadrisphere?
BARRY
A four-dimensional sphere isn't the sexiest thing in the world.
ALLEN
I guess not. I just wanted to describe----what the world is really like, even though you can't hear, or see, or feel----so much of it.
BARRY (pause, sheepishly)
I forget where we're going.
ALLEN
I'm proving to you that I'm an alien. I don't have to prove it to myself.
BARRY
I think my mind is going. Why do you have to prove you're an alien?
ALLEN
So you'll believe me when I offer you eternal life.
BARRY
Oh......that.
ALLEN
That.
BARRY
If I know you're an alien, I'll believe you if you offer me eternal life.
ALLEN
Not "if." "When."
BARRY
Ah.
ALLEN
Maybe I should interject here---
BARRY
Interject all you like---
ALLEN
That what I'm telling you is only from my point of view. I just want to open you to the possibility that I might be an alien, so that I can---
BARRY
So that you can---?
ALLEN
Well, not to get ahead of myself, but I guess I can tell you that there is a physical way I can prove to you that I'm an alien---
BARRY
A physical way---?
ALLEN
But you have to be prepared for it---I have to open you up a bit----
BARRY
You have to open me up a bit---??
ALLEN
Don't worry about it! I can see that I am getting ahead of myself. Everything will come out all right in the end.
BARRY
I presume you're aware of---ah---possible sexual overtones to what you're saying?
ALLEN (smiling)
Of course.
BARRY
Oh.
ALLEN
Yes.
BARRY
Oh.
ALLEN (after a pause)
To continue.
BARRY
Sure.
ALLEN
I want to expand your consciousness---and other things (he looks at Barry's crotch)---
BARRY (embarrassed)
Not in this universe do I feel like getting a hard-on now.
ALLEN (laughing)
You've just used the most difficult word we have to understand.
BARRY
Universe?
ALLEN (serious)
No. "Now."
BARRY
That again? "Now" is just "right now."
ALLEN
Watch very closely.
BARRY
OK.
ALLEN
What did you see.
BARRY
Is that a trick?
ALLEN (startled)
You saw that?
BARRY
I didn't see anything! I meant, "Is that a trick question?"
ALLEN (relieved)
Oh! I thought you saw that. Which would mean I'd misjudged your parameters.
BARRY
I see. You "did" something that I couldn't see.
ALLEN
Yes. I "did" something, "now," which isn't quite your "now."
BARRY (melodramatically)
Lost, lost! Totally lost!
ALLEN
No, no! We're doing very well. We just have a long way to go!
BARRY
By which you mean you have already gone a long way, and I have a lot to catch up with.
ALLEN
Please don't think that. I should have said this before. I'm not "better" or "more advanced" than you are; I'm just different. I come from a different "now" than you encounter---ordinarily. It's not a "better" "now," it's just different from any time in your "past" or "future."
BARRY (tentatively)
If you say so.
ALLEN (earnestly)
No, this is important!
BARRY (depressed)
OK, OK.
ALLEN
Let me try this from another angle.
BARRY (seductively)
You want me to turn over?
ALLEN (laughing)
Close! (serious): Try this. (speaking slowly) I can see the wall behind your head, but you can't. You don't have to move forward or backward in time to see the wall behind your head. You stay in the same time: you just---turn---your head.
BARRY (slowly looking behind him)
---And I change my entire field of vision.
ALLEN
Precisely.
BARRY
But that's not another dimension.
ALLEN
Don't get too complicated too quickly.
BARRY (petulantly)
But it's NOT another dimension.
ALLEN
No. OK? No: it's not another dimension, (in a loud whisper) if you don't want it to be.
BARRY
Want it to be? What does want have to do with it?
ALLEN
This is what I have to do---what we have to do---what you have to do---before I can---"touch" you.
BARRY
"Touch" me? I heard those quotes around that word.
ALLEN
That's one physical proof of my being an alien. But it's like the wall behind your head: you have to turn around before you can "feel" it when I "touch" you.
BARRY
You can touch me when I have my eyes closed, but I can still feel your touch.
ALLEN (laughing)
Not this touch. It will even taste good.
BARRY
As long as it's in good taste---ha-ha. But I wouldn't even mind a bit of bad taste now and again.
ALLEN
Let's stay with the visual dimension for awhile. Your eyes are still closed, but you don't know it.
BARRY (defensively)
I can see!
ALLEN
Think about night vision. Take a person sitting in a dark room---
BARRY (quickly, sexily)
Yes?
ALLEN (ignoring interruption)
---accustomed to a low level of light. He can see much more, in the dark room, than a person who enters from a bright room. It takes a while to let your eyes accommodate to the dimness.
BARRY
You want to take me into a dark room?
ALLEN
No, I'm taking you into a bright room. Visual accommodation works both ways, as you know.
BARRY
At least I know something!
ALLEN
You know---more than you think you know---or I wouldn't be here, now.
BARRY
Words, words, words. Are you sure you wouldn't like a drink?
ALLEN (pause, looking intently at BARRY)
Yes. (long pause) I'd like some water.
[BARRY and ALLEN treat this as a kind of ritual: BARRY, as if hypnotized, rises from his seat, exits, and returns with a glass of water, giving it to ALLEN. ALLEN takes it as if it were a precious gift and drinks it, gazing intently at BARRY, who returns his gaze. One minute is very intense.]
ALLEN (returning empty glass)
Thank you.
BARRY (as if jerking awake)
Was that it?
ALLEN (smiling)
Not yet.
BARRY
You mean---it'll be---more?
ALLEN
Yes.
BARRY (long pause)
Oh.
ALLEN (gradually widening grin)
We're getting there.
BARRY (sitting down)
I guess so.
ALLEN (after long pause)
We can look at it another way.
BARRY (still affected by the moment)
If you say so.
ALLEN
Let's imagine that one of mankind's fondest dreams comes true: we invent a time machine, enabling a person to go forward and backward in time.
BARRY
OK.
ALLEN
Pretend that you're a volunteer for one of the first test-trips in the latest version of the machine. You're not the first, because you know many people
---that you have talked to---people who have been in the time machine. They've told you what happened to them, how they felt---how exciting and frightening it was.
BARRY
OK.
ALLEN
And there's quite a ritual surrounding your departure: you have to wear a special suit of clothing, you have to make sure your bladder and bowels are empty, your stomach must be neither empty nor full, you shouldn't feel physically uncomfortable in any way.
BARRY
OK.
ALLEN
You step into the machine. Ignore the thought that you may never return again. Close the door. Push the button. (pause)
BARRY
Yes?
ALLEN
And you wake up the next morning for another day.
BARRY
What?
ALLEN
You wake up, in your bed, in the morning, ready to start another ordinary day.
BARRY
It was a dream?
ALLEN
Not a dream. This is real. You do wake every morning from a time machine that takes you out of your night-mode---most of which passes without your slightest awareness, except for the fragments that remain as dreams.
BARRY
What happened to the time machine? The special suit? Pushing the button?
ALLEN
The special suit is your pajamas---whatever you wear---or don't wear---when you go to bed. Your bed is the time machine. Pushing the button is going to sleep.
BARRY
Sounds like you're making a big deal about nothing.
ALLEN
Sleep is more---well, it's just MORE---than you think it is.
BARRY
Well, nothing much happens in sleep, anyway.
ALLEN
But it does. You know that Sunday Times crossword puzzle that you couldn't finish Saturday night? Remember how easy it becomes on Sunday morning? How many answers just "pop into your head"? Where did they come from?
BARRY
I just---slept on it.
ALLEN
But you make "slept on it" sound so passive. You don't just "vanish" at night and "reappear" the next morning. Your mind, your body, your emotions, your grafleen, your---
BARRY
Grafleen??
ALLEN
Your---Oh, wait. [He closes his eyes.] Sorry, my mistake.
BARRY
So many lessons, so little time.
ALLEN
No problem---we have all the time we have.
BARRY (long pause)
Would you like to listen to some music?
ALLEN
You keep wanting to fill up my seven, [he pauses, counts slowly on his fingers: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven; shakes his head, folds back one finger], six, [he looks at "six," on his thumb, shakes his head again, puts his thumb down and looks at his five fingers] five senses.
BARRY
Huh?
ALLEN (holding up one finger)
You offer me a drink.
BARRY
Yeah.
ALLEN (holding up second finger)
You whivver---
BARRY
I what?
ALLEN (thinking hard)
Sorry---you fart.
BARRY (embarrassed)
I---hoped you hadn't noticed.
ALLEN (after a thoughtful pause, then laughing)
I'm sorry---I seem to be saying that a lot, don't I?---I keep forgetting precisely where I am.
BARRY
Yeah, it can be rough. (pause) OK: (counting one finger) I offer you something to taste----
ALLEN (counting two fingers)
You offer me something to smell-----
BARRY (still embarrassed)
Uh, yeah. (counting three fingers): I offer you something to hear.
ALLEN
Right. (counting four fingers) You offer me something to touch.
BARRY
I do?
ALLEN
Almost since I arrived.
BARRY
I offer you something to touch?
ALLEN (smiling)
You!
BARRY (confused)
Yes, I offer you something to touch?
ALLEN (laughing)
No, you offer me you to touch!
BARRY (still confused)
Huh?
ALLEN (laughing, standing, walking toward BARRY): Yes, you've been pleading with me to give you a hug, almost since I entered your apartment.
BARRY (shrinking back, then leaning forward)
I---guess you're right.
ALLEN (extending his arms)
Then---hug.
[They hug. For a long time. Both enjoy it.]
BARRY (muffled in hug)
I can't wait to get to taste.
[The hug continues. No movement. Then, slowly, ALLEN breaks away and sits back down. BARRY remains standing, dazed.]
BARRY
Was---was that---was that---
ALLEN
No, that wasn't---anything special.
BARRY
Don't knock it---it was pretty good.
ALLEN
Of course! Two people touching, rather completely, ---of course that's pretty good.
BARRY
Rather completely? [He touches his shirt.]
ALLEN
Clothes don't have anything to do with it. (Thoughtfully.) You're making good progress, but we still have a few---hurdles---to get over, before I can directly prove to you that I'm an alien.
BARRY (still dazed)
I'll take---[hugs himself] that---as a down payment.
ALLEN (smiling)
Sit down---relax.
BARRY (goes toward ALLEN, pauses, goes to chair)
That's easy for you to say.
