COMEDY MONOLOGUE FOR DENNIS
"So they say I look like a kid onstage. That's just great---a 44-year-old kid! Don't look so surprised, though, I'm not 44 YET. But I figure it'll be at least 12 years before this act is appreciated, so I'd better think ahead. Actually, I'M not thinking ahead at all. My lover is. His name is Bob. I hope that doesn't bother you. I thought it might---mightn't. He's a great guy, except that he likes to control things a lot. When the chance came along to put words in my mouth, he jumped at it. The chance, that is. Not that he doesn't put OTHER things in my mouth too---well, he's not quite as good a cook as I am---what are you laughing at, I am SO a good cook. I'm probably the only one here who has the SECOND Alice B. Toklas cookbook. That was a personality for you. Talk about lovers---have you ever wondered what Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas did together in BED? And some people would have you think that gay-life emphasizes only the pretty people! I'm not so sure they'd do so well in [female gay bar], however. Where was I? Oh, I was talking about my looking like a kid onstage. It took so long for the Marx Brothers to be recognized as crazy comics that by the time they got into movies they couldn't do wild slapstick like they did when they were younger. Lots of times that Young Man Next Door in the movies had to sleep with so many directors before he got his Big Chance---I hope you can hear all those capital letters in this---Young Man Next Door?? Big Chance?? People in theater always seem to talk in capital letters. Maybe that's to make up for the lack of capital in their pockets. Capital! Cap-ital? It sounds like some poor slob who makes it when he gets a title. How awful it would be to be---Mister Ittle. But CAP-ittle! Whole difference. I love to work with words---they're so marvelous. Some of the best words don't even exist---yeah, I know we could get into philosophical matters now, but that's not my thing. Talk to my lover. Take the word "akistrone." That word doesn't exist---huh? Sorry, lady, I don't speak Turkish---in ENGLISH, but Sid Caesar used it on Your Show of Shows years ago---he was playing Scrabble and played "akistrone" for a 9-letter word. His opponents hated him until he followed it with "plell." Another marvelous word. Anyway, I've never forgotten those words, and they don't even EXIST. Actually, it's my LOVER who couldn't forget these words---blame it on him, don't blame it onto me!