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1/6/00: 11:20AM: Off on another trip! With John talking about updating will and other "final" matters, inevitable thoughts of "never returning" show up. Bed at 11:10PM and AGAIN can't sleep, until at 1AM I get up to read EB articles about the caffeine in tea and I write myself a note: "Idiot! My cup of green tea has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee! No wonder I can't sleep! And it took me THREE days to figure it out: tried going to bed "early" at 10PM on Monday and don't get to sleep until after 2AM, recording "difficult sleeping with Nyquil." Tuesday tried later at lAM and was up past 3, recording "difficult sleeping with Nyquil." HA!!! Cleaned up the apartment pretty well last night, making up the Thursday do-list and organizing cash and payments and beginning to fill the dining-room table with stuff to pack, and left word with Rita to call me back when she didn't answer at 11AM. My fever of 99.0° at 9PM and 99.2° at 11PM seemed to have vanished by 1AM, so I'm still hoping that I won't have to use my emergency-insurance-premium return because I come down with debilitating flu in Angkor! Worry about coughing disturbing Fred, though. Just checked the crazy flights: though we GO northeast to North Vietnam, we still leave for NYC from BANGKOK on 1/31! Few things to pick up at the store, but decide to go through the packing-list recommendations sent by OAT to list anything ELSE that I might decide I want to take but don't yet have. Scotch tape for my camera-case, extra batteries and film, cash and credit cards already in place. Not taking ANY literature about the trip, which will cut down on weight CONSIDERABLY, I should think. Taking my blue shoulder bag, their green carryon with my A&K camera bag inside that for daily use, so I should be sufficiently compartmentalized for our "pre- and post-" trips outside Bangkok. TRAVEL:ANGKOR

2/3/00: 10:04AM: Having finished DREAMS:2/3/00, I want to record my activities from the past few days' return from my Asian trip with Fred, just for RECORD.

On 1/31/00: Take last notes on tablet-99, almost exactly 4 pages per day for the 25-day trip. Weigh the A&K bag at 12#, the blue bag at 26#, and the green bag at 18# for a total of 56#, more than double the 27# (in two loosely packed bags) I started with. Count $143 in cash (plus some small change) but must have packed the leaving-note of how much cash I took, because I can't find it in the stack on my calendar. Phone John, who says he camped out in my place (leaving the avocado leaves to die almost completely, leaving open the porno-cabinet door, and sliding the cutting board on the kitchen table to leave a brown mark [and the underside is MOLDY from the bathroom leak on 1/6], and leaving my video-screen BLACK while the green on-light is ON and the computer is OFF [and he couldn't turn OFF the screen, so he shut off the COMPUTER, which gives me a "check connection" message when I turn the SCREEN off and on, but which works OK when I turn the computer on and check 19 messages from Juno, replying briefly to Anne and Rita until 3:50]). 3:50-4:10 POPE calls, needing his winter coat and hat and gloves for a facial-melanoma test at LICH on Wednesday, later postponed to Thursday morning. Finish Juno at 4:15 and list of ten phone messages to 4:25: 1) Steve L. from Schwab to check my accounts (212)330-2824, 2) Ad, 3) Ken with Beard dates, 4) Julie M. from Watson-Guptill with an index, 5) Terry K. with an index, 6) Pope, 7), 9), and 10) from Shelley, who'd noted I was back 1/27 and was worried, 8) Carolyn. Talk to Shelley 4:25-4:40 ("Glad you didn't send the police to knock down MY door!"), left word with Terry at 4:41, 4:42 Julie M.'s index is gone, 4:43 left word with Carolyn, 4:44 talk to Arnold to 5:20, then make tuna and noodles since I'm getting HUNGRY. Check through television recordings, all seemingly too SHORT from what I'd wanted, though Arnold said he recorded things for me. 6:13 leave word with Mildred, 6:14 Charles doesn't answer at home. Eat and start watching a TV tape because I'm too tired to do anything else. Bed 7:25PM, get up to pee at 11:10PM, then decide to cum/bidi to tire myself and pee 12:15AM.

On 2/1/00: 1:58AM, nightmare recorded on DREAMS:2/1/00 to 2:10AM and pee AGAIN. 3:30 ANOTHER dream recorded a half-hour ago. Up 5:20AM, groggy but unable to sleep. Watch TV tapes because I have no energy for anything else, catching up on Ally McBeal and Ebert. Have buttered toast and a yogurt for breakfast because there's nothing else except apple juice. Get Charles at home 10:20-10:35 because he has to catch the train back to the Island, Bill still much improved and his mother stabilized; he phones her every day but hasn't been back to Akron. 10:35 phone Mildred since she phoned last night at 8:45 to confirm Blue Water Grill at 2PM today. Manage to get to the restaurant at 1:45 and sit eating breadsticks because they won't seat me at the table until 2PM, when I have a good sweet kir, an appetizer of crab-stock lobster soup while Mildred has the shrimp with sushi (both of which we turn back: I'd expected a SALAD while the menu's last word, in fact, was SOUP; Mildred has NOT expected sushi, though the menu's last word, in fact, was SUSHI). She has a pasta dish while I have a rather sizable slice of salmon and veggies; she takes the chocolate-cake dessert while I have the apple tart. Her martini and coffee makes her dinner much MORE than $30, while mine is just over $30 with the $6 kir and $20 special. Home 4PM exhausted (she said I seemed "distant") and nap from 4-7PM, not really SLEEPING, just resting my jet-lagged body and eyes. Watch more TV, recording two more hours, and cum with bidis and bed 11:59PM.

On 2/2/00: 2:10AM pee, AWFUL dream 4:10AM [DREAMS:2/2/00], up 5:43 having DONE Actualism and STILL not able to sleep. Tackle mail, going through all before leaving for "21," meeting her at 2, side-by-side table for her Caesar salad and my mozzarella, her bowties and shrimp and my sizable chicken cutlet and veggies, her mediocre chocolate cake and my intense-sweet caramel tart to 3:30. Lots of phone calls to make, but only called Beard to reserve 4/6 and wait-list 4/27 with Ken, then got back to ANOTHER Beard message "confirming" me for Friday NIGHT. Phone Siobhan, who says it was a MISTAKE when I canceled Friday NOON, and I AM on with Ken Saturday night. Go through one Sunday Times in the morning, complete with easy puzzles, and rather than nap at 4:30PM I do the puzzles from the SECOND Sunday Times. Eyes VERY sore but I finish skimming the New Yorks and the New Yorkers, Carolyn calls back, and AGAIN I don't do phone calls. John came over about noon to lament Pope's condition, saying HE'D rather DIE, and when I ask about India he refuses to get enthusiastic about it (as I put it, "dampening his upward capacity for pleasure") but he'll try getting information from the Indian Tourist Office to see if it'll pique his interest rather than just not going "because there's no compelling reason TO go." I feel livelier at lunch, and Mildred recognizes it, though I had a RIP in the back of my old black suit which I covered except to show her after lunch, throwing the trousers away and hoping the jacket will act as a sport coat over black trousers. Feel like going to sleep at 5PM, but keep finding little things to do to keep me awake, and finally jerk off for the THIRD time with bidis, putting the stuff away (which was all OUT when John came in yesterday to chat before I went over to check his paint-job; I wonder if he noted the fur and the rubber bands and the bidi package?) since cumming has reached "diminishing returns." 11:30-11:35PM I record DREAM [DREAMS:2/2/00] and pee, not recovering at ALL well from this 12-hour jet lag.

On 2/3/00: 12:10AM pee. 12:50 take a Rohypnol since Actualism doesn't put me to sleep and I MUST get back onto SOME kind of schedule before Beard on Saturday evening. 1:40 I pee and just DON'T feel like getting to sleep, so I heat up the last of the tuna casserole, toast and butter two slices of bread, have a glass of Kahlua, and read New Yorker in bed until 2:45, when I feel tired enough to switch off the light and go to sleep. 6:30 pee, and since I went to bed at 10:20PM it's over 8 hours, except for the 65-minute reading period, but I lie back down and wake startled at 9:25AM! Might have been hold-over effect of the Rohypnol? Record the dreams [DREAMS:2/3/00], then these pages, since there are just too many notes around and too many things I want to remember. But NOW at 10:50AM I've just GOT to have breakfast so I'll have appetite for the lunch at 2PM with Charles and Mildred! MAINTENANCE is difficult: ran out of Tricor yesterday but have no refills left at Rite Aid so I called for a cheaper supply at AARP, but it'll take a few days to GET here, so I'm WITHOUT. Finally separated out the extra Vitamin C tablets from the pill bottle and the Pravachol bottle. Still a stack of kept-mail to process and LOTS of phone calls to make! Arnold calls, so I call him after breakfast and we talk till 11:45. Phone for LICH dental cleaning and appointment, and after waiting for a long time get connected to Dr. R.! GET those, and make a physical appointment with C., then call Fred for a pleasant chat. Called Tony yesterday but he's "on the phone," and he didn't call back: this is AT LEAST the third time he's not returned my call, so he MUST be off me and I'll take him off my do-list until HE phones ME. Call Bob R., but only leave a message. Call Terry but that index is gone. Leave a message with Richard S. about getting a copy of Grade 12 for the ASI competition, provided the book is copyright 1999! Fred's been sleeping THROUGH the day and HE hasn't been to the gym yet, which I wanted to do today but obviously am not going to get to. Feel better today than I had in the past (getting rid of all these pages and phone calls is certainly part of the relief)! Still have to get to unpacking, then reprinting all the 19XX lists, getting all the IRS stuff together and getting started on my returns, checking that I have enough money in my account (the first HIP check STILL seems to be lost!) for my February bills without writing another check, DO want to call Schwab for a portfolio evaluation, and I've GOT to clean out the desk drawer to allow more room for filing, AND check with my position on the Cadman Plaza waiting list. So much to do, so little time to do! Hudson River Club annoyed me by sending me to the bar when "my table wasn't complete," but enjoyed looking out at the ice drifting into the boat basin while waiting for 2:15 lunch of cauliflower puree {soup) with duck confit and disappointing potato-filled ravioli with truffle sauce that wasn't very truffly. Charles and Mildred had salads, but their salmon looked just great. Mildred continued with her chocolate-cake dessert with nut-coated vanilla ice cream and chocolate whipped cream which Charles had to avoid, and we had very tasty cassis, cherry, and grapefruit sorbets surrounded by bits of fresh berries. Since Charles had the sweet kir, I settled for an apricot sour that didn't last long enough through the meal. I'd noticed the Buenos Aires 1910 exhibit, and we looked at it a bit but they both had to leave, and I decided to stay around for the Julio Bocca and Ballet Argentino performance at 7PM free in the Wintergarden, looking around the exhibit till 5:15, Rizzoli to 5:30, then staking out a seat with rude interlopers squeezing in until a good sexy dance program from 7-8PM, then home hungry to roast the ham and have dinner with green beans and applesauce while watching the middle 2 hours of Touching Evil 2 with a less-sexy Robson Green, then tried to go to bed at 1:05AM, a "normal" time, but couldn't sleep so up to cum, pee, and bed 1:50AM.

2/4/00: Recorded 4:30 dream [DREAMS:2/4/00] but didn't print it, peed, and got up at 8:15AM, not quite enough sleep. Called Terry to hear I'd lost index, but Lawrence W. calls to say I'll be getting an Amsco one. Richard S. calls and puts me in touch with David S., who'll send me the Grade 12 book. Almost finish the last of the Times crosswords when I have to leave for my first gym day of 2000 (at last!) and meet Spartacus at 1:36PM for lunch in the REALLY SPECTACULAR second floor of the Russian Tea Room, Mildred and Spartacus having the tiny pelmeni, me the sturdy borscht, they the heaping beef stroganoff and me the smallish red snapper with mashed potatoes. They halved the cheesecake and chocolate mousse, I had the cheesecake and STRONG tea. Back to FINALLY get groceries, get a call from Paul N. that second-round readings will be delivered to me, and leave word with Bob R. at 9PM after finishing the LAST of the Times and finding Fred doesn't want, but John will think about, Vienna and Prague for 8 days for $749 before 3/31. Also checked the tasteof brooklyn/needsrev list this morning, and went through Rita's LOADED envelope this evening with other mail. Will watch VCR tapes to pass evening. Bed 11:32.

2/5/00: 2:35 dream-note jotted [DREAMS:2/5/00], pee, and then toss to 4:10AM, NOT able to sleep! Read to 5:25AM and just DON'T feel sleepy, so I watch Marie Galante on TV and then porno to cum to 7:40AM, which lets me get back to bed and sleep until 10:35AM, waking to find messages from Bob R., with whom I finally talk 10:50-11:45AM, and a message from Arnold whom I call back in time for him to order two tickets for Wrong Mountain. Type the dream and this till 6PM, wondering if I've had enough sleep to survive the Beard with Ken tonight.

2/6/00: Beard mediocre, drank too much wine. Bed 11:43PM without even looking at the Sunday Times. 3:30AM wake to pee with hangover, so take 2 aspirin and 2 grams vitamin C. 6:30 shit, 6:55 piss, and up at 7:15 to watch television and read the Times, then watch more TV until I'm bored with that and unpack at last, pleased with the tanka but think the "buffalo hide" might just be plastic! Suit very wrinkled, books gratifying again. Calculate the average expenditure and retype and print and average the Trip List Overall. Played FreeCell for the first time, but stopped after 6-7 games, type this at 8:30PM, tired, but have to have dinner to take pills and another Larium, having called Fred to do the same but only getting his machine. Reluctant to start transcribing tripbook and looking forward to having not much scheduled for the rest of this week so I can finish the stack of stuff on my desk, read the plays that Tom S. brought over this afternoon, and check my placement on the Cadman Plaza waiting list. Print this: clear printer of Trip List Overall. Bed 11:20PM, then all the rest is 2/7!

2/7/00: Pee 2:25AM. 3:25AM start Actualism. 3:45 decide to j/o, to 5:18. 5:50 start a do-list to 15 items, just to get the stuff off my MIND so I can get back to SLEEP! 6:23AM in desperation start counting backward from 100, telling myself that if I can GET to sleep within 5 cycles, sleep will be OK; if I CAN'T, getting up will be OK. Go through more like EIGHT, just to make SURE, but just CAN'T get back to sleep so I'm up at 7:45AM WITHOUT sleep. Seem to get a lot done in the day without doing much in the day: 1) started watching trip-video, 2) phoned Northwest to GET on their frequent-flyer plan, 3) phoned Beard for two dates in April with Fred, but they say the monthly calendar will be printed in greater quantities next month, so they won't send me one, since I can pick it up at the House, 4) Spartacus is busy today so I'll go over tomorrow, 5) Austrian Airlines refers me to Austrian Airlines Touring Services, which ups the $694 for 8 days to $2300+ for 10 days! 6) Sort through the souvenirs to separate out the countries and put more stuff away, 7) went to Juno again to find that the Madiba review was written by someone else, so I am only owed $100, which Anne acknowledges, 8) Try to download "free" Juno, but Juno 4.0 isn't on their Index of Advertisers, so I shoot off a note to their President in response to his 12/22 message. Later (in complication) in the day I get a response that says I can phone for the CD, which I do, which will come in 7-10 days, which STILL represents something to do in the future (see NOTEBOOK:2/9/00), 9) Phone C. at Atkins to find that he injects calcium gluconate in prolotherapy to "proliferate" better cells, so I make an appointment for a $150 (more than Mary's $100) consultation on Thursday with B., 10) Phone Bernice about "amber" as "releasing from the past" and she tells me about Traumeel at Wilner Pharmacy, so later I resolve that on Wednesday I'll get Traumeel while picking up a ticket for the 2/14 Ballet Gala at the State Theater and the 2/16 Mefistofele at the Met while using a day-pass on the subway three times in the afternoon and twice in the evening going to the Beard (which I decide to do in my new suit to show it oft to Fred and "get over" the first wearing while it may be still wrinkled from packing), BUT I'll have to phone B. to CANCEL my Thursday appointment (AGAIN see NOTEBOOK:2/9/00). Bed 11:15PM, after having felt VERY tired earlier in the evening, and I MUST get back to some "normal" schedule! Oh, DID get to the gym today, a very good thing after two days of soreness from the TWO-LEVEL-DOWN start just three days ago, so THAT feels VERY good to have done---a TOUCH of HAPPINESS??

2/8/00: Pee at 4:30AM, a GREAT improvement: 5¼ hours! But then, bizarrely, pee again at 5:15! Pee again at 6:30, having tried AGAIN desperately to sleep, but without the counting backward, which was "really sick." Up because the prospect of sleep is remote. Watch more trip-video but it seems too BORING! Sort through the desk-stack and put LOTS MORE stuff away and into OTHER stacks and have a BIG pile for IRS. Reconcile my checkbook (they MUST have cashed SECOND HIP check, so I MUST get back to them)---also the HIP "payment recoup" form seems to be for PHYSICIANS' services, rather than LAB services, so I may have to get ANOTHER. Reconcile my VISA statement and Rite-Aid seems to be off by about $5, but I don't want to hassle it so just IGNORE it! Cancel C. by message early but then phone BACK to say I want my cancellation CONFIRMED, which it is, later, a three-step process for NOTHING! Phone Ken, who has NO travel agent started on Mauritius, so I leave word for Tina, who calls me back while I'm at Spartacus's, whom I call back and she'll research and call ME back in ANOTHER cycle for next page of NOTEBOOK [NOTEBOOK:2/9/00]. To Arnold's for AWFUL lunch 1:10-5:10, NOT time to check Cadman Plaza number-on-list, wondering why I feel so UNHAPPY (again, next page). Teach him how to move an item on list by click-and-drag, but can't help with his "no default printer/no memory for printing" multi-cycle problem with his Epson. FINISH trip-video VERY exhausted about 9:30PM, MUST eat sandwich for dinner and pills, and get to bed tired 10:50PM.

2/9/00: Write myself a note on my night table that I have an LICH cleaning at 10:30AM TODAY, so I won't FORGET. Pee at 3:46AM, a come-down to almost five hours from MORE than 5 hours yesterday. Then, again bizarrely, shit at 3:57AM. Start an extended Actualism session to a 6AM pee (so I MUST have dozed in that two hours, but I don't THINK so!). Up at 6:30, disgusted with not being able to fall asleep again, and my thumb REALLY HURTS when I write my note. Thoughts resolve into the following WHERE AM I NOW, with six points listed on my note.
7:20AM: WHERE AM I NOW? I MUST get my mind around the following FACTS:
1) Things CHANGE! Prime example in the area of stamps: when I was a kid I LOVED collecting stamps, trying to get (after an initial "full" page for early issues) a complete United States collection and a TRULY complete United Nations collection. But then things CHANGED: a) a closet leak DESTROYED some of my United Nations collection, so it could NEVER be complete, and I STOPPED keeping up with it---not to mention the growing realization it would NEVER be a great investment, so DROP it, b) the United States started putting out multiple-stamp sheets in VOLUME, and the stamp-rates went from 5¢ to 33¢, so it got very EXPENSIVE to collect, so DROP it, c) the world went CRAZY: i) the Communist countries started releasing HUNDREDS per year in Russia, China, and countries I'd never even HEARD of like Equatorial Guinea, ii) the catalogs began IGNORING some countries as "not being primarily stamps-for-postage but stamps-for-collectors," iii) some countries like North Korea and Cuba weren't even LISTED, which was REALLY reprehensible, iv) and ALL countries, even well-behaved ones like Great Britain, began issuing all kinds of special stamps, v) the LISTINGS got very complicated when countries like Britain issued the SAME stamp (QEII) in INNUMERABLE colors (and sometimes even different WATERMARKS and PERFORATIONS) over the course of years, which made the LISTINGS hard to read and the stamp-album problems ENDLESS. SO NOW I BARELY COLLECT STAMPS!!! 2) Things get COMPLICATED! a) Juno WAS simple: download "free." But it was GONE, so I i) responded to message, ii) phoned to order CD, iii) will have to install and test and use it in FUTURE, IF it works at all! b) C. WAS simple: phoned for consultation, but then i) Bernice recommends Traumeel, so I have to ii) cancel C., iii) get Traumeel today, iv) start USING it in ANOTHER cycle of complicatedness: if it works, blah-blah; if it FAILS, blahhh! 3) Tasks must be REPEATED: No sooner do I a) take out Times and papers on Tuesday night, b) brush teeth, c) go to gym, d) write Xmas cards, e) prepare for IRS filing, f) pay Visa bill, g) catch up on videotapes, h) take a trip--BUT I HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN TOO-SHORT A TIME, and IT NEVER ENDS!!!!! 4) PRIORITES change: a) started by COLLECTING complete runs of books, but i) the "tag ends" of my Heinlein, Chardin, Huxley lists were BORING, ii) someone like Heinlein turns into a fascistic homophobe in my adult realization, iii) Bradbury begins issuing $150 "special editions" I can't possibly keep up with, AND NOW I'M TRYING TO THROW OUT HALF OF THEM. b) "loved" National Geographics, but now they're all on CD, which means, i) I don't need to keep them, ii) there is no resale value for those I throw out, iii) I took the time to FILE them when I got them from Spartacus, now I have to LOOK THROUGH them to throw them out! c) kept ALL travel souvenirs when I feared I wouldn't travel MUCH, but now I'm OVERWHELMED with travel souvenirs, so I have to weed through and THROW OUT most of them. STILL can't increase priority for gym from 4-day to 2-day!! 5) Everything BREAKS DOWN: a) need NEW switches on i) TV lamp, ii) PC monitor, iii) kitchen ceiling fixture, b) thumb-arthritis: tried i) acupuncture, ii) moxibustion, iii) Chinese teas from Dr. L., iv) Chinese herbs from China trip, v) glucosamine (which didn't work, anyway at 350mg, but Bernice says 2 GRAMS!), vi) prolotherapy, currently replaced by vii) Traumeel, c) humidifier gets bad with inside-growth, using NEW one, which is getting growthy, d) MANY MORE!!!! 6) Things ALTERNATE: a) woolen blanket on/off, b) radiators on/off, c) humidifier out/away, d) refrigerator full/empty, e) clothes clean/dirty, f)UG! Then I sit at Arnold's, unhappy at lunch, no 1/10 New Yorker, poor food, FUG!! 7:40AM: So I realize 1) I HAVE made progress in MANY areas, 2) There are STILL areas to make progress in, now on STACKS ON COFFEE TABLE: a) trip-diary transcription, b) Rita-envelope response, a) Paul N.'s plays to read, d) Prague/Vienna "maybe" trip with John, e) Mauritius/Reunion trip with Ken. 3) Still on the do-list: a) check Cadman Plaza number, b) Bob R.: voice on palm-PC?, c) Carolyn, Cafe 41 WHEN?, d) buy three remote turn-on switches. 4) Yet to put on do-list: a) ophthalmologist appointment, b) indexes coming in through the week: i) Pisano's Acoustics, ii) AMSCO's something, iii) that math thing, iv) something else, I think. a) New Tasteofbrooklyn reviews, d) others. And I have to figure out whether 1) going to more of MY restaurant-list places or 2) finding a new friend or 3) coping with what's going on NOW is ever going to lead to some sense of HAPPINESS, or do I have to 1) take testosterone replacement to a) elevate mood, b) increase libido, c) decrease insomnia?? or 2) DEAL with the stuff I have to DO as it comes UP, so that I don't feel so PRESSURED to do stuff that I don't have TIME to do? 3) CHANGE MY POINT OF VIEW so that ALL the changes, complexities, repetitions, priorities, breakdowns, alternations, additions, doing, listings, typings ARE SATISFYING IN THEMSELVES so that I don't change DOING anything, I change MY VIEWPOINT on doing things. So I DID cut down the now-dead avocado (should I start more?). So I DID add the IRS-stack on the coffee table WITHOUT altering the list above. At least I've got THESE PAGES written and printed and saved. At least I've transcribed SOME of the notes I've written to myself and categorized others. At least I KNOW what has to be done and what should be ignored. I've STARTED. Now, at 7:51AM, I can STOP this exercise and have breakfast so I can brush my teeth and try to find Pope's mailbox number and take him some towels since I'll be across Atlantic Avenue ANYWAY today. Talked to Pope to 8:13AM and MY problems are NOTHING compared to his: 1) "What's the mailbox number?" comes up on his machine ONLY when the phone is OFF THE HOOK, and it's something that HE gives when HE checks his messages WITH the phone off the hook; so I can IGNORE that and just CALL BACK and hope the phone's back on the hook: he HASN'T changed his message system. 2) He TOTALLY wet his bed with fusses about people putting stuff in his bed, taking away his urinals, washing him when they shouldn't have, and making him miserable. It does me NO good to insist he TELL them what to do and not to do, because he has an elaborate scheme in his OWN mind of whom to tell what, and when, so that it's effective rather than just getting them MAD at him, therefore MORE uncooperative. 3) He wants Wet-Wipes AND a wash cloth AND a towel, which I'll have to find for him, and if I leave it when he's not there, I have to make sure to tell the girls at the desk that I'm leaving stuff for him: it seems incredible that they'll 1) throw things away of his that he NEEDS, 2) tear up papers and dismiss it saying, "They're only your papers," 3) remove clothing or articles that he's PURPOSELY set out for his OWN convenience, just because of some unwritten law in THEIR heads about how things should be for THEM, not for HIM, 4) ignore his requests for glucose tests at the PROPER time, medications in the PROPER order, NOT overmedicating him so that he thinks he's hallucinating and has to CHECK to find out that he WASN'T, 5) not LISTEN when he tells the doctor something that's IMPORTANT to his overall health, 6) will remove rehabilitative exercises when they're his ONLY HOPE of not getting MORE helpless, wetting his bed more, needing help to dress or eat or wash or go to the bathroom. He praises me (as he manipulates EVERYONE) for being so "rational" and not catering to his blathered repetition of problems, traumas, difficulties, and degenerations. So now at 8:20AM I've got to get to the end of this page, print it out, have breakfast, brush my teeth, gather the stuff for Pope, and get out so I can get there before 10AM and give him the stuff he needs. Then, later in the day, I can CONTINUE to clear off my desk, get things done, remove items from my do-list, add items TO my do-list, and get more control of the things that will EVENTUALLY enable me to think that I MIGHT POSSIBLY be happy with where I am AT THIS MOMENT, and not have to hassle all these lists and sub-lists in my notebook EVER AGAIN!!! 4PM: Do EVERYTHING I had to do today in WONDERFUL timing and style: DEMAND to see Pope at 9:45AM and the door-guard phones to say Pope's SON has to see him and they let me up. Sadly, later that afternoon, someone calls from "Cobble Hill" that gives me a moment's pause, and then HE in the background insists that he GAVE me the form for Republic Bank that I had to co-sign to share his checks, "giving" myself $1000 that I could siphon back to him when he needs it, and I know he DIDN'T. She ends up saying, "We'll find it here, or I can get another copy sent to me." Cleaning almost effortless, praised again for my good hygiene. Then talk to Jerry C. about the trip and get out at 12:15 to Maloney and Porcelli, which HAS a single seat for a FABULOUS filling crackling pork shank after a mediocre potato-peel soup. Walk to 41st to pick up Traumeel ointment and tablets, subway to Lincoln Center for tickets for me for the Ballet Gala on 2/14 and the Mefistofele on 2/16, subway home to go through the rest of today's and yesterday's mail, then dress in my new suit to see Fred off to Puerto Vallarta, needing to wake at 5AM for the 9AM flight, for a very filling (and alcoholic) meal from Thalia on the Upper East Side, with Fred talking lots to Raoul and his wife (who's stuck with brain-dead Bob across from me at this table for seven) and I chat up cute Eric, who changed jobs (with his wife) from medicine to finance and will change again if they decide to leave New York, and less-cute Stephen, who seems CONSTANTLY to be in a state of heat directed toward Eric. Home at 11PM and phone Spartacus till midnight and finish watching Lawn Dogs to 1:30AM. Tired but not exhausted.

2/10/00: Bed at 1:45AM, up at 4:15 to pee after dreaming, and again at 7:30 to pee after dreaming, then stay up to check through Daniel and Bolivar as possible lunch-places before seeing the Whitney Museum retrospective today before it closes on 2/13, and getting a 1995 restaurant, Lenox Room, off my list for dinner, if all works out well. Now 9AM and I hope Bolivar opens about 11AM so I don't have to wait TOO long for "breakfast." Get out to a renamed and then RE-renamed Arizona 206 for lunch 12:10-1, to Whitney for American Century, Part II, 1950-2000 for mostly old stuff but a few neat things like Tree of Knowledge and Matthew Barney and Nan Goldin, and then dine at an OK Lenox Room to 8PM, stuffed. Back to sort 13 boxes of trip-slides to 10:50, exhausted to bed, happy to have sorting out everything AT LAST and AM happy!

2/11/00: 5AM pee, a new length-record at 6:10, and when I write my note (having started Traumeel two days ago) my thumb is MUCH LESS SORE. Up 7:43 and read the second of four plays for Paul N.; type dream [DREAMS:2/10/00] and this to 9:30AM. [2/21/00: transcribe notes from bedside table]: Bed 11:20PM.

2/12/00: Up 7:35AM, NO pee: it HELPS to be DRUNK! Bed 10:35PM.

2/13/00: 3:20 pee, 6:30 shit and up. Bed 11:45.

2/14/00: Wake hard from erotic dream at 5:15, so j/o 5:25-6AM. Shit/piss. Up 6:45.

2/15/00: Bed 11:35PM, 5:20 pee, up 8:15.

2/17/00: Bed 12:35AM. Up 7:55 to shit.

2/18/00: Bed 1:10AM, 6:55 pee, get package 8:55AM, up at 9:20.

2/19/00: 12:50AM bed, up at 1, j/o, hooked on TV to 2:25AM. 7:45 & 9:15 pee.

2/20/00: Bed 1:05AM, up 9:15, at last not having to get up to pee at night.

2/21/00: Bed 12:50AM, type dream [DREAMS:2/21/00] 5:50-6:05 and pee, and get out of bed at 9:45. Decide there's no real good reason to continue keeping track of these bedtimes and waking, since I'm as time-changed as I'll ever get. Did the AMSCO index today in just 5 hours, over 800 lines. Finished the Cambodia Photo pages and the Cambodia Dream pages and now the last of the Notebook pages. Down to the last Spartacus tape (Death of a Salesman) and almost caught up on MY VCR tapes. Happy that John's planning for Prague April 17-27, and I got three guidebooks from the library when I thumbed through the January 10, 2000, New York magazine that I'd lost on the trip. Even applied "Traumeel" to my hands while watching The Thin Red Line, surely better than Saving Private Ryan. Taping Liar Liar and finish this by 8:25PM to watch Ally McBeal at 9AM. TIRED!

2/27/00: 7AM: Went to bed just after lAM, but my mind was racing with so many thoughts I figured it'd be easier to just get up, transcribe the dream I had before I forgot it [DREAMS:2/27/00], and write this page. The old thoughts still circle: 1) SLIDES: I want to PRESERVE my slide-shows, and now think maybe I should VIDEO myself presenting the slides, interspersing MY presentation with clips from my trip-videos, and eventually [how bizarre! glance out the window and FEATHERS float down from above---Judy must have somehow broken a PILLOW out the WINDOW??!--- which reminds me of the surprise a few days ago, talking on the phone with Spartacus, when I looked out to see a small HAWK sitting on the winter-bare ailanthus tree out that same window!] transferring THOSE video images to COMPUTER files which could be kept and transmitted and saved forever. 2) MUSIC: I want to re-listen to Aspects of Love and ask Arnold if it's ever been PRESENTED in video terms to be kept. Maybe make a "permanent" music video-tape with that, the male duet from Otello, bits of Mefistofele, some of Evita, "Mem'ries" from Cats, "the" melody from Les Miserables, the glorious parts of Turandot, and some of Tubular Bells and Beethoven's Seventh, and the Moody Blues. 3) WRITINGS: Again think of a website that would contain all the plays, books, and writings that I want to preserve [keep LOOKING at the copier I got and HARDLY used!]. 4) RESTAURANTS: Update my list and GO EACH NIGHT until I get it down to a manageable size! 5) TRAVEL: Go on trips. And suddenly my urge to write vanishes.

3/17/00: 9AM: Appropriately following the above material: AMAZON TRIP OR NOT?! I want to GO because 1) I want to be away from the noise of the people upstairs, 2) I want to be away from the hassles of Pope, 3) I want to be away from "all the things I want to do" in my apartment, 4) I want to be away from the gym, 5) I want to be away from the temptation of excessive FreeCell. I want to STAY because 1) I want to DO the things in my apartment: a) discard most of the "already discarded" slides, b) set up a "best" show from my "show" slide-sets, c) throw out books, d) fill newly empty bookshelves with OTHER stuff: i) recent-travel files, ii) programs-to-be-kept, iii) consolidated checks and Visa-bills, iv) consolidated slide-shows, v) lots of stuff as yet unlisted; 2) I want to DO things in NYC: a) eat-down my restaurant list, b) see-down my see-in-town list, c) show more slide-shows; 3) I'd like to save the Amazon trip to do with Ken, who said he'd like to do it. But then I'd like to GO because 1) it's cheaper NOW and 2) I COULD squeeze out the time between indexes-due if I really HAD to. If only I could GUARANTEE myself that I WOULD accomplish my DO-lists rather than chew myself to pieces with FreeCell and other time-wasters. Amazing the things that I DON'T do anymore: 1) read books, 2) do stamps (though when my $100 shipment comes THAT will change for a while), 3) write so much in NOTEBOOK. So at 9:15AM I phone Marj, leave word, start dishes, and she phoned at 9:25AM saying, "Five minutes," and says WONDERFUL things: 1) FIFTEEN MINUTES PER DAY for "clearing up stuff." If she MISSES for four days and gets a "free" hour, it makes up for it. 2) If things DON'T get done, just ACCEPT that "the catalogs will be thrown out when I die." 3) FORGET THE SHOULDS, if you want to do it, just DO it! "I love you" from her, and "You're a jewel" from me, and at 9:32 I finish this and get back to do dishes. Then I think of all the garbage bags piled up beside the stove and think: MY MAIN PROBLEM IS, I TRY TO DO TOO MUCH AT ONCE! Rather than hassle three or four five-foot stacks of books to get rid of, just FILL ONLY ONE GARBAGE BAG A DAY AND TAKE IT DOWNSTAIRS WHEN I GO OUT! Just as simple as that. Oh, sure, keep my running list of "Books thrown out," and maybe even start Marj's "15-minute-a-day list" to keep track of the days I do and the days I don't. AND I can do EVERYTHING ANYWAY! So decide to call and reserve for the trip! They still HAVE it, but I need to book my NYC-Miami round trip MYSELF, and they put me on a NUMBER of holds while they figure things out. Decide to phone Paul in Miami and see if he's available 4/14-4/16 to show me around pre-trip. Feel GOOD to have "gotten that off the stack"! Off, charged Visa, at 10:45AM! GOING!

4/2/00: 12:20PM: WHERE AM I NOW? Stayed up late after getting back from good dinner and Scrabble at Lina's until 11:30, then doing the Times puzzles until 2:20AM (3:20AM new time), watching start of Longest Day, which I record the end of. Then up feeling sexy and try for a great orgasm but it JUST ISN'T ON! Try to be philosophical about it: maybe the blood-drugs I'm taking ARE lowering my sexual feelings, maybe the worry about my knee is taking part of it away (though even two days on Naproxen sodium--paid $20 for 30 tablets when I could have gotten 200 for $12 from AARP, a bargain at even 1/3 strength caplets---seems to have made it SOMEWHAT better). Anyway, I cum and get out of bed to put on TV and see the end of the hokey Mac and Me, and I don't even get to watch the "TV-ad for McDonald's" that the books claim it actually IS. Then phone Sherryl, who tells me that it's supposed to RAIN today, which makes my knee-canceled walk today seem more acceptable. We chat about what to do, and she pushes the movie Beau Travail, which seems based on Melville's Billy Budd. So we're to meet at the Quad at 2:30 to buy tickets for the 3:05 show and eat afterward. I'm not hungry, so I read Masterplots for Billy Budd and continue typing this at 12:55PM. Haven't changed the clocks yet. Almost finished with the third-last index, next-last sitting on my table unopened as it was delivered yesterday, still no glossary from Tammy (which she said was coming on 3/24). Still no final decision on when I'm going to Florida, since Friday 4/14 seems to be a bad day to travel, as it's Spring Break and planes are already fully booked. Watch parts of The Lost World, which seems well-done with bodies and dinosaurs, then parts of Beastmaster, with a sexy body on the unknown who took over the Marc Singer beauty-part. I could contentedly vegetate in front of the TV set if I had to. Taxes ready to be sent out, money waiting in my account for checks, and I'll surely get a lot of money back from the IRS NEXT year. Still 2-3 years, at least, before moving to Cadman Plaza (and I sent away a postcard, which may not arrive, as Spartacus's birthday card has not, though Shelley verifies that it's still 20¢, for a lottery for a cheap apartment at 42nd Street and 11th Avenue), so I don't have to worry YET about throwing out stuff---and I STILL feel drawn to looking at MORE slides and throwing away poor duplicates as I did last weekend with the Antarctic trip. Times still to be read, breakfast still to be eaten, clocks to be changed, so I guess I've written myself out. I SHOULD be feeling better: the spot on my forehead seems content (except when it itches) under its Aquaphor, my knee isn't serious and may be getting better, I've got plans with Sherryl for this afternoon---in sum, I SHOULD feel happier, but my affect seems to be lower in EVERYTHING! What a pity age doesn't permit me the enthusiastic embrace of all that my youth afforded. DID delight in reading segments of my Morocco trip to a rapt Dorothy and Valerie H. and Rosemary F. at their dinner for me the day after my birthday. STILL want to get everything scanned onto the Internet before I die. Remaining problems: STILL haven't gotten the $103 of stamps that I sent for over a MONTH ago! And the lingering worry about WHEN I'll have to do the three Tammy indexes, fitted into my travel schedule. Just phoned Dick and he'll be going down to Florida "maybe the 9th, 10th, or 11th," so I could go earlier: just cancel the second dinner in three days at the Beard with Fred? Still to be determined. Now BREAKFAST!

4/10/00: 7:45PM: BUSY DAY: Took out the laundry, picked up laundry, finished BOTH the Springer "fill-in" chapter and MathQueue Math Matters 1, taking them to a long line in the post office to ensure they're delivered before NOON tomorrow! Got so much done that I actually VACUUMED, now needing new belts for the Hoover! Food going nicely from fridge, "calm" today thanks to Rohypnol I took at 2:10AM when I couldn't sleep? AMEX bill has to come tomorrow or I have to call to see what I owe; pay taxes and bills, shower, go to Beard, and call TAXI for Newark for Wednesday's 8AM flight! Hope Dick MacLean GETS there for me! Silly if he doesn't! Now to watch TV tapes, having serendipitously bought a pack of three 8-hour tapes to record on when I'm away while buying Naproxen! TRAVEL:AMAZON

5/5/00: 8:07AM: Slept 8:50 yesterday, 8:40 today, feeling pretty good except for my upper-respiratory infection, which Amoxicillin should help. Still lots to do: buy pants, send out films, get wine for Ken's dinner tonight, contact Carolyn about house-sitting Sunday, checking opera or ballet I might attend, putting stuff away---and I guess I better get to it RIGHT now and do this later.

5/9/00: 1:58PM: Still the sense of unreality (tempered by sheer panic!) about my trip to Prague, for which I have only to shower, phone Dr. C., and water the plants before answering the phone for the car at 3PM. Tried C. NOW, but there was NO answer. My diarrhea has been kept SOMEWHAT at bay, though I put six tablets in my bag. EVERYTHING (including wallet and keys and coin carrier) weighs just 21#. Felt slightly NAUSEOUS (I guess from the Amoxicillin?) as I triumphantly bought two pair of black 36x30 pants for not only a tax-free $39.99, but a 10% discount for being a senior ("63 or 65, but don't worry, I'll let you have it") brings it down to $35.98; and on the way back I glance at the post office and remember I need stamps, so I spend $43.45 on THAT, putting both of them on Visa so that my money-count remains correct as I wait for the car. Figure I SHOULD shit before taking the shower. GOT to C. at 2:05, and he said that diarrhea was not COMMON, but also not UNcommon, with Amoxicillln, and if the diarrhea "doesn't go away in two weeks, come in for a stool test." TWO WEEKS!!! I ask about Cipro, and he says, "Five days of that is all you would need." And "X-rays don't come to my console the next day, only lab results do that; it takes TEN days for x-rays to get to me, so call me then!" So much for SERVICE! Decide now at 2:10 to shower and finish this LATER! So I shit, and it's more solid than usual, and not so copious, but I take another Imodium: #13. Shower takes an AGE to warm up, but it does, and I'm out at 2:30 and water the plants.  Cross off the list; cross off the list. Put pants on and go downstairs to check the mail. New New Yorker that I add to the stack, now REALLY 21#. Put on the new phone message, ignore a slight pressure to shit, left the toilet full for a final piss, and now at 2:45PM I can't stand not being REALLY ready: expect John to drop in any moment to wait for the phone call that the car's downstairs. TRAVEL:PRAGUE

5/23/00: 1PM: Just doing this 1) to clear the printer so I can use the Amazon Summary Page to update my datebook, 2) to write SOMETHING between Prague and Mauritius! Prague beset with intestinal problems and one short-washing accident. AND FATIGUE! But my two-week's "vacation from vacations" has seemed to work: 1) got over remaining nausea and diarrhea that may have been from Amoxacillin, 2) got back to a normal sleep-wake cycle, WITHOUT getting up at night to pee, 3) actually felt sexy enough to cum this morning, followed by a sexy dream [DREAMS:5/23/00], and 4) my stack of things to do on the table (with the blessed relief of FINISHING the third math book for Tammy J.!) is down to a very few, and 5) I can begin thinking about packing for the Mauritius trip, having started a Before Trip list with two items (defrost fridge and tend plants) already. It feels so GOOD to get to bed, tired, with no twinges from my knee, or any sores, or my stomach, or my head, and just feel GOOD again. The relief yesterday at the restaurant, zoo, movie, Scrabble, and restaurant with Vicki was quite palpable, though my wooziness this morning from the bidi-aftermath wasn't the greatest---is EVERYTHING getting to be a hassle? Hope to get a LOT of the Prague notebook transcribed before I leave, but I've gone already to counting the days: today over half over, only Monday and Tuesday left as complete days, and leave on Wednesday. Tuesday is ridiculously busy, but it'll take my mind off the impending trip, I hope. Shopping to do, pills to get, credit-card hassles to iron out, money to figure, John to organize about the Times and watering my plants and mail. Hope to pack light, but still to take my snorkel stuff, adequate medications, though it's NOT a primitive island we're going to. London, Mauritius, Reunion, then FIVE weeks to catch up before the mere week in Santa Fe, actually giving time to the United States!!

5/31/00: 3:57PM: AT LAST finished with everything, and the phone should be ringing ANY MINUTE with the car service, with Ken having been picked up per schedule at 3:45, and we're due to get to JFK at 5PM for the 7PM flight. All the lights are off, the video is set up, the phone message is "away for a while" and this is the last thing on my mind. AARP did NOT deliver the Larium and Pravachol, but I can maybe HALVE the last few doses to make it last, and Ken will lend me HIS last ones for me to take on the trip. Had to spend $15 on Visa to get the replacement stuff, taking the full bottles because I'll essentially be USING all 100 of each on the 24-day trip at four/day. Left out the "pre" note card to transcribe, but I don't think there's TIME for that. Got capsular Rite Aid equivalent (EXACT same ingredients) of Nyquil, which Shelley recommended as an ADJUNCT to my Rohypnol, so maybe I'll REALLY go out! GOT to sleep on the plane tonight, or I'll REALLY be tired in London. Lots of stuff packed, lots of magazines (mainly New York magazines) taken along to catch up with, along with two Sunday puzzles. Sweating a lot: it MAY have gotten up to 70° today, and only tomorrow and the next few days is it really going to become SUMMER here. Recorded in my mind that full moon is 6/16, toward the end of the trip. VERY NERVOUS all day today, lunch going down like a lump. Tried watching TV but kept being preoccupied with the trip: thank goodness the meal last night was interesting enough to keep me occupied THEN. Can't REALLY think of anything else to add now at 4:02PM, maybe give the milk to John. Anyway, here we go AGAIN! TRAVEL:MARE2000

7/8/00: 10AM: Felt awful yesterday: did the unpacking after doing the index, did lots of other things, leaving me with only the videos to watch, and went through days and hours and hours of them, until I finished The Sopranos yesterday and did NOT feel like continuing with the trip-log OR going to the gym, both of which I REALLY MUST do, but finally got out to ship-view at 1:50PM, stopping at the Promenade to see that the day is finally PERFECTLY clear: the greenery in New Jersey looking preternaturally close and distinct across the harbor, and at 2:10 take photo #8 of the "Communications ship which is not open to the public." #9 is the Sponsor's sign. 2:20 #10 Mysore from India and a Ukrainian flagship. #11 is Governor's Island and ships. #12 is Manhattan. #13 IS tour of "Command Strike Fleet, Atlantic" Second Fleet, from 2:47-3:43, more than I really wanted to know. #14 their floormat. #15 chapel "Not on the usual tour". #16 from helicopter flight deck. #17 THE Joint Command Ship. #18 GATLING gun, firing HOT bullets to MELT metal at target. Maximum speed 23 knots. #19 on-board Mysore 3:45-3:53 and go back around for the Italian destroyer Durand de la Penne from 4:18-4:46, looking at all the tired kids and feeling weary and dragged-out myself. Debate going for groceries but get back at 5:07 to phone Audience Extras to find nothing, and then play FreeCell until 8:30, not wanting to do ANYTHING. Lie down because my under-right-top eyelid makes my eye sore (another cyst?), and then get up because I MUST start working on PEOPLE: 1) Phone Fred to find that his black lover had NOT told him I'd called a few days ago. He's groggy from too much food and wine at the Beard lunch, thinking it's 9AM rather than 9PM, but he DOES think he'd gotten my Visa number for his travel agent's ordering of my plane ticket to Santa Fe with him. He'll check. 2) Phone Mildred to find that SHE was waiting for ME to tell her when I wanted to go next to lunch when Monday was impossible, and I said I wanted THREE A WEEK until September! Then get her to agree to Saturday-Thursday-Saturday for three these TWO weeks if she can include China Grill, which I'm not looking forward to. She reserves for Tocqueville Thursday, but Saturdays aren't part of the $20 lunch system, and she wants to go to Mark (a hotel) Saturday for a regular lunch, which isn't my idea of greatness, though I like the place, but I've BEEN there sufficiently for my knowledge and liking of it. Then Fred calls back to say his schedule has MY seat-numbers on it, so he MUST have ordered mine, though my check of Visa bills from November (they billed in November) show NOTHING! 12:53PM: Recorded and finally watched the 2000 Tony Awards:
Copenhagen won for best play and best director Blakemore;
Contact won for best musical;
The Real Thing play revival, actor Stephan Dillane, actress Jennifer Ehie;
Aida for actress Heather Headley;
and Kiss Me, Kate musical revival, director Blakemore, actor Brian Mitchell.

7/11/00: 10:40AM: Turn on the computer after turning it off last night with the strange "intermittent beeps" on the battery, coupled with screen blinking, and thank goodness it takes my dreams [DREAMS:7/11/00] and this without repeating the warnings.

7/12/00: 10:15AM: Did "notebook"-type notations on DREAMS:7/12/00 while talking about my three dreams last night, but the printer's going with the dream-page printing and WP5.1 is going well DESPITE the fact that the farther red light on the battery is STILL on. It was on last night, panicking me, and I turned off the computer, but the red light stayed on, and then I turned off the BATTERY, but when I turned it on again this morning the red light AGAIN stayed on. I guess I'll have to get out the old MANUAL (I remember this happening before?) and see what I can do about grounding, or refreshing, or fixing whatever is causing the red light to remain on. Just hope it doesn't damage any files, as glitches are wont to do.

7/16/00: 8:40AM: GOT to get a haircut! Real troubles yesterday trying to swat two flies that had entered my apartment: sometimes my visual fragments would lead me to think I saw flies out of the corner of my eyes when they really weren't there. JUST NOW, printing out the dream-page which I just finished [DREAMS:7/16/00], I turned my head slightly and SWORE I SAW SOMEONE PASS FROM THE HALL INTO THE DINING ROOM, in a flash thinking, "It must be John, who used my key to come in when I had my earplugs still in and couldn't hear him," followed by the instant realization that a hanging lock of my very long hair had fallen at just the right spot in my peripheral vision when I turned my head (and I duplicated that look a few times to make sure that was the case!) that produced the INCREDIBLE shock I felt: I JOLTED in my seat, and a great CHILL ran through me as I sat in the coolish morning, with no clothes on, slightly damp from night-sweat, waiting for the page to finish printing so I could shut off the computer, and the JOLT was so great, and the chill so lasting, that I decided I HAD to type this note before turning off the computer for the day.

7/19/00: 6:30PM: New battery hasn't come yet; waiting for form 5500EZ (though I have MORE than $100,000 in my account!); still got to see Pope. But the bulk of the Lincoln Center performances (and all of the gifts) have been accomplished, I finally exhausted the available films at Marty's (though I still have titles to check at World of Video), and I even went through the water-soaked stamps and got MORE of them separated. STILL two piles to sort through: the "CRUISE" stack at the bottom and the "SOUVENIRS" stack on top of the shelves to the side. Then I DO want to get to stamps to SOME degree, and when I pick up the slides from Ken's place tonight I should be able to put together another slide-show, even though I'm 1eaving for Santa Fe next week. Vaguely wonder if I should call customers for more work, but I'll leave that for when I get back from Santa Fe. COULD transcribe the first half-year of the DATEBOOK, too. AND throw out more of the National Geographics. And throw out lots of OTHER stuff, too, like the "games-times" lists accumulated for no reason at the top of the desk-stack. AND cut down on the amount of papers held in the black bookcase, AND get rid of more souvenirs so I have some place to put my NEW souvenirs. AND try to get information about my South Pacific trip around the Marquesas tour with Fred next year. AND see about going to Angel Falls THIS fall to get THAT off my list. AND put these DREAM and NOTEBOOK pages in some sort of books so that the stack doesn't reach ENTIRELY to the sky!

7/27/00: 1:05PM: Finally get the new APC Power-Protector installed, with all the computer-switches now in THAT and only extension cords and speakers on the power-strip. Got to think of PACKING for departure DAY AFTER TOMORROW: Santa Fe!

ALAIN DUCASSE AT ESSEX HOUSE MENU: For most-expensive $243 meal, $160 prix fixe.
1) Tuilles: thin and delicate (and tasteless): pepper, tomato, lemon, cornflower.
2) Amuse-bouche: Foie gras mousse and truffle cream absolutely fabulous first course.
3) Tomato appetizer: sweet tomato sorbet with shovel-spoon on fig compote in
separate dish from plate of tomato-roast, greens, and lovely tasty sauces.
4) Pasta: Bowtie pasta with fabulous intense-bacon strips, assorted veggies.
5) Fish: Firm sole roll in cream sauce with crayfish on the side and more sauce.
6) Main: Breast of squab, breaded, choice of knife for tiny dish, silver
holder for asparagus-like roll of eggplant and truffles, I think, good,
with two intensely sweet rounds of what could have been turnip or parsnip.
7) Dessert: Chocolate, raspberry, and gold: squares of chocolate supported by
Entire, enormous raspberries on two layers, with squiggled gold foil on top.
8) Dessert free: Vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberry sorbet in formed balls.
9) Dessert cart: Chocolate squares and round macaroons, with pistachio and
regular caramels, caramel and citron lollipops, nougats, and too-full cakelets.
10) Dessert more: Black currant, yellow, and red jellies. With my $10 kir and
$24 glass of Chilean reserve merlot, $194 plus $49 tip, for $243 topping list!
Pens for signing card-slips, benchlet for bags, free umbrella-check (for us).

1) $243.00 7/26/00: Alain Ducasse with Mildred and Charles, for LUNCH yet!
2) $225.00 10/31/95: Bocuse at CT with Ken and Charles, not quite worth it.
3) $206.87 7/5/97: Guy Savoy in Paris alone, tasting menu and two wines.
4) $196.00 7/18/97: La Grenouille with Paul, tasting and super desserts.
5) $190.00 7/7/97: Taillevent with Jean-Jacques in Paris (cost est.: he paid).
6) $182.67 8/10/99: Lespinasse with Paul, tasting not quite up to former par.
7) $177.25 8/6/99: Tonic food and wine tasting with Mildred, Helen and George.
8) $172.71 10/10/98: Ousteau de Baumaniere with Ken in France, should be ***.
9) $169.89 6/9/00: Spoon des Iles with Ken in Mauritius, just barely worth it.
10) $168.00 7/26/95: Lespinasse with 7-member Mensa group, lots of wines.
11) $165.40 10/18/98: Paul Bocuse with Ken outside Lyon in France, kitschy.
12) $161.00 7/23/97: Le Cirque with Mildred, Bernice, Charles, for champagne.
13) $141.41 8/9/99: Cello with Paul, extremely disappointing and overpriced.
14) $137.00 7/17/97: Le Bernardin with Paul: 20% Dining a la Card discount.
15) $124.79 7/10/89: Maurice with Marck, Senderens guest-chef, early-date big!
(10 in US, 5 outside US, some lower-priced should-be-includeds now forgotten.

8/11/00: Note from 8/8 at the Archives building with Mildred: my 167 Hicks Street address is lot 82 of block 236 in Brooklyn, which is microfilmed on file R5321, which I looked at and decided I could take as good a picture of it!
Note from 8/9 at the New-York Historical Society exhibit of the Stork Club: 1)
Billingsley called Charles Tolson "Mrs. Hoover," and 2) 18-year-old Oona O'Neill turned down "a lovelorn J.D. Salinger" before marrying Charlie Chaplin.
5:35PM: I guess the worst thing that could have happened was to have an extension of the deadline for the Nutrition index. I haven't started on it YET and felt MANY bouts of depression during the week when I wasn't recovering from the trip and getting useful things done. Based on Claudia B.'s conversation from Saturday, I wonder if I might not be bipolar: manic-depressive. I sure get manic and I sure get depressed! But got Mildred to make restaurant reservations for the next two weeks AND got Charles to pick up tickets for Avow tonight, so all is NOT lost. AND set up the fan, at last, in the bedroom so I won't sweat, not when I have to be at Grand Central 8AM TOMORROW!! TRAVEL:SANTAFE

8/25/00: 11:25AM: At least I caught up with the video-list and index last night, printing out the last of it this morning, along with three resumes to send to clients, the last of which was uncommonly messed up: printing parts of it a SECOND time on the final page, which was only a "paper-runoff" copy anyway! Maybe it KNEW it?? Haven't used the fan AGAIN since I set it up the first night. DID get the Nutrition index done well, and yesterday finally went through my Rolodex to phone ten people about jobs, necessitating the two resumes to be sent to Holt and to AMSCO, which sadly I don't even have on my resume!

8/26/00: 11:30AM: Decide to THROW OUT sheets from 11/19/92 to 5/3/98 on which I recorded the hours and wins on Commo, Minesweeper, Mahjongg, and others, including Solitaire, Dazel, Aquaman, Shotfoot, Tetris, SST, Taipei, Netscape, and start FreeCell playing on 3/21/97, which gradually takes over ALL my time! On sheet 1 I summarized Commo between 12/14/92 and 3/27/93, 84 days, as 44 times in 48 hours, or 1.05 hours/time, just marginally more than every-other-day. Minesweeper from 1/10/93 to 3/25/93 played 19 times for 3800 minutes, or two hours/time. Mahjongg from 11/19/92 to 3/25/93 25 times for about 25 hours. Sheet 2 from 3/29/93 to 4/21/93 added 14 times for Commo at 8:40, 12 times for Minesweeper at 6:00, 14 times for Mahjongg at 13:00, and untabulated others. Sheet 3 from 4/21/93 to 8/18/93 added 28 times, 12 hours, for Commo; 35 times for 36 hours for Minesweeper, 32 times for 31 hours for Mahjongg, and untabulated others. Sheet 4 had a summary-to-date: Commo 104 times about 82 hours, Minesweeper 85 times for 106 hours, Mahjongg 95 times for 97 hours, averaging ALMOST an hour every THREE days for ten months, not THAT bad! Transferring data from one machine to the other took 21 times with XFER for 156 hours, totaling 446 hours, which I say is OVER one hour/day. Try AOL on 7/27/94 and again on 3/16/95. Subscribe to INDEX-L on 3/13/95. Try Prodigy on 6/26/95, USENET on 9/10/95. Well, decide to KEEP pages in PERSONAL box! Sheet 17 summarizes 2/20/94-4/25/97: average of 41 minutes/day, though the ACTUAL time is OVER ONE SOLID MONTH! LOTS of figures. Sheet 18 stops Minesweeper on 11/23/97, Mahjongg at 4/16/98, and has FreeCell notes from 4/27/97 to 8/17/97 when I obviously stopped keeping track of my time with FreeCell, recording for future testing that "3580 and 29103 impossible," which I quickly proved untrue!

9/13/00: Schwab's "fee-based financial advisors" pretty much losers, though it IS better than "commission-based churning" would be (which it's opposed to). The more we HAVE the more they make: Avatar starting at 1.5% for $100,000 minimum to 3/4% over two million, AVERAGE holdings $550,000; Altfest starts at $500,000 and plans that 10% of the women will live to 98 and 10% of the men to 92! Pinnacle had the cutest guy (who kept looking at me as he responded) and a minimum of $100,000 for 1%. But I left at 7:30 without taking any cards and looked for a restaurant: Astra only open for lunch, Acacia good for $19.50 between 6-7PM, and Sono 7-course tasting starts with (Patrick the Parisian at Beard last night prefers "amuse guele," which Ken says translates as "maw" [not a very flattering word] and is considered rude in the US) amuse bouche of the asparagus soup that I'd wanted, with interesting tofu texture inside: all courses served in the chef's handmade ceramic Japanese-style platters, bowl, and dishes. 1) Yellowtail, uni (which I actually LIKED the sweet softness [even grittiness] of), raw tuna, octopus, and fluke; 2) crab cakes (delicious!) in squeezed tomato-water!; 3) seared toro on nut/bean base, all the above with most of a glass of Riesling; 4) foie gras wonderful with a small complementary/complimentary Sauterne, 5) ono (fish) in crushed corn that was salty and too much, so I ate only half, always eating the wonderful greens that came with it, like the "Chinese basil" in thick trefoil leaves; 6) filet mignon and inoki mushrooms with a glass of pinot noir, with spinach and almost untouched rice; 7) dessert of watermelon soup/tequila-lime sorbet, chocolate marquise, white peach mousse, and yazu (a kind of oriental citrus fruit) chibuste, (like a flan).


9/29/00: 7:55AM(!): Uncomfortable stomach (ulcer?) on sleeping after lamb shank at Layla alone last night: woke at 6AM to pee and couldn't sleep afterward, thinking "freed" by finishing the last index-due AND getting Internet back with Owen's replacing my (his, originally) Zoom V32 14.4K broken modem with an $80 V90 56K US Robotics modem. AND there was no leak from above the last two mornings, and I THOUGHT I heard "repairs" going on up there yesterday afternoon after I got back from the gym. Just now look through my restaurant list, finding I've reduced 1995 to only Four Seasons, which I'll go to if I have to go ALONE 10/4; 1996 to 4, two easy ones and two "Shelley's," of which I just might travel to Jade Plaza, an actual N-stop!, if it offers lunch today. 1997 has "only" 3, and 1998 reduced from 16 to 13 since March 1, my last list. So the "old" ones are FALLING! Now, with Internet, I think AGAIN of searching for the "last book and movie", leaving only Angel Falls and "publishing a book" on my do-list. Which reminds me that I figured to talk to Pope about my "responsibility" for his Living-Will-Power-of-Attorney duties that he gave me. Which reminds me to add Mack G. to my Mortality List. Naturally, freed of "immediate" desires (even went to the Rotunda Exhibit yesterday, which doesn't close till NEXT MONTH!), my mind goes to 1) "getting rid of National Geographics," wondering if the library couldn't give me a look at what the CD-ROM of the entire series looks like, so I can just BLINDLY chuck out all of them; 2) editing (at last) the African 24-hours of videotape and the New Year's (maybe I can watch it THIS year!) 48-hours of videotape; 3) getting a "super-best" slide-show together, along with a "super-best" personal videotape; 4) continuing (HA!) to throw out books for the upcoming move---talking to Pope about what it's ACTUALLY like to "get rid of an apartment." Sitting typing in a sweater, can't wait for the heat to come on on October 1, the day after tomorrow---SURE it will! 5) AND just going to J&R to LOOK at the cameras, one of which I might buy. 6) AND finish the "five/seven continent" slide-show and begin getting people to COME SEE IT! 7) ***AND*** writing something, like whom WOULDN'T you want to resuscitate when "everyone's" brought back to "enjoy" life near the Omega Point---murderers? babies who died at 2 days? the mentally retarded? And what AGE do you bring back John Doe: a) as a kid for his grandma to enjoy?, b) as a husband for his wife to enjoy?, c) as a grandpa for his offspring to enjoy? Or, as is more likely, ALL THE ABOVE, using those six or twelve curled-up dimensions to accommodate all the alternate universes where everyone IS “god in his own universe," CREATING the trials to "make life interesting" for himself ALONE! Now, at 8:40AM, I've written myself quite out.

9/30/00: Heard on street: "It'd be so much more sharper." SURE it'd be!

10/14/00: 12:50PM: Just checked: my last recorded dream was 9/8 [DREAMS:9/8/00], PRECISELY the dav I started Celexa---COULD there be a connection?? Decided NOT to continue it, even though Rite Aid PHONED to say that it's to be refilled! Told her to put my name on the "do not call" list. Nothing to see at Audience Extras, spent ALL of yesterday on FreeCell so there'll be NONE today. Somehow LOST my little shopping list. GOT to go to the gym today, though I don't WANT to. Came to record my "sleep evaluation," but decided that should go in MEDICAL. Have to check Juno for a response from Vicki on Fidelio tickets, and finally get a note to Anneka about my non-payment for the last Tasteofbrooklyn payment---AHA, just check, and she's not paid for just ONE: Cafe 41; 2/28, after her $100 check sent 2/9 and deposited 2/15! Guess I'll get started back at Heights Video, AND haven't had my "second restaurant from the old list" this week, which will get me finished with the OLDEST two years in MID-DECEMBER!! Unseasonably 70° weather today and tomorrow, where Lina's Games Group is the only thing on my calendar since Thursday's Alliance Française. My thought yesterday to TKTS for Friday evening and Saturday matinee for half-price SHOULD have been done, but it wasn't, as wasn't Mildred's try to Domingo lunch, so we STILL have nothing planned. Told Sherryl about Bill's Saki-plays Sunday and she's interested. Nothing much ON!

10/28/00: 2:15PM: CATASTROPHE! Went on Internet for a couple hours, did something with bookmarks, and CLOBBERED THE ENTIRE 42 PAGES of the current NOTEBOOK! RIDICULOUS!!! Will I have to re-enter ALL 42 pages through LogiTech, or whatever it is, to get it BACK??? So much for my recent impulse to copy WP51 onto a Bernoulli disk! Well, forget that for NOW and go to the note that I wanted to insert that FOUND the catastrophe! Note from 10/20/00: SAGE bus trip to Boscobel: left at 9:50AM, arrived at 11:50AM after taking almost an hour to get out of NYC! Leave Boscobel 1:50, OK lunch and FREE wine at Cathryn's until 3PM, bus leaves Cold Spring at 4:10, encounters traffic, not to mention getting LOST a number of times and turning AROUND in the enormous bus, and get off at 45th and Broadway to use the subway at 6:40 and get home at 7:10, in time to return the two tapes to Marty's. So much for keeping THAT note!

11/2/00: 8AM: Still frustration after recording my dream on DREAMS:11/2/00, to see that this is still page ONE and I still have to expend time and energy trying to scan the missing 43 pages, if Arnold ever responds with my question about his Norton Utilities package including file-search after it's been deleted, and I feel bad about indexing into new space that might be COVERING what's left in storage of my erased-by-Internet-bookmark NOTEBOOK pages. At least print THIS out to make sure there's SOME record, as there ISN'T of my last "Boscobel-trip" note on never-printed page 43. Note from 1/29/01: THIS becomes NOTEBOOK - 43 after I'd FREESCANNED the 42 "missing" pages.

12/13/00: 10:20AM: Go to add something to NOTEBOOK and find that my saving a bookmark CLOBBERED MY FILE again---somehow, by mistake, I REDESIGNATED which file bookmarks were to be stored on, so I have to change "NOTEBOOK" to my third-in-series designation of NOTEBOKC for this AND the pages I enter with FreeScan from the previous 40-page clobber! AND can't, at this moment, find my LAST printed page from NOTEBOOK on my cluttered desk! 10:23AM: Notes from 12/10 Met Museum visit: 1) Year One exhibit great from 11:40 (SHORT line at entry to coat-check on busy Sunday) to 12:20, when I meet Sherryl at the entrance for a quick look at 2) Eton Egypt from 12:25-12:45 after we pee in the new johns. Then Lina's gift-lecture 1-2PM, charming British Southworth on the Liverpool-Ince Blundell collection of classical sculpture: 20 life-size, 125 2-5-foot statues, 120 reliefs, and 70 "ash chests." Ince is near Liverpool, but EB says nothing about it. Nor about Charles Townley, another collector who "traveled with him," and only a line on Cardinal Albani, a first big collector of sculpture. Best line: "Pockets better furnished than their heads." Then lingered over lunch, as we were both tired, and she acceded to my not wanting to see the calligraphy and we went back (for her) to see the New York collection, a bit too much furniture for my taste, but by 5PM I was exhausted and got home at 6PM to actually lie down for a bit to rest my weary legs!

12/17/00: Bed 12:10AM, can't sleep. Up to j/o 1:15-2:30, can't sleep. Try a long Actualism session. Up 3:20, take AMBIEN. Bed 3:25AM. Wake 7AM, again at 8:45AM, again at 10:30. Feel groggy on just getting UP, but it passes quite rapidly. OK!